Original subtitles

'This programme contains very strong language

from the outset and throughout.'

♪ I've been waiting a long time

♪ For this moment to come

♪ I'm destined... No!

♪ For anything at all... Wait!

(MUSIC CONTINUES IN SHOP)

Jesus Christ, Cardi. Just pick a packet, will you?

There's no thought goes into this. There's no skill.

Look...

Three golden tickets out of a possible five have been found -

one in a cheese and onion, one in a W-Worcester sauce,

and one in a s-salt and vinegar.

So smoky bacon and ready salted are odds-on for the golden ticket.

Exactly. Ah, Meena.

What's the crack with you? Fuck all.

Bored. Not enough people are dying.

Business slow, then, is it? It's like a morgue.

Ah. (LAUGHS) It's not funny.

Mm. Could you hurry up, knobhead?

There's people waiting. Sorry. Can you fuck off, knobhead?

I'm looking at the crisps. I'll take as long as I need.

Do you understand? Yeah? Cool!

Hey, Cardi, relax. Sorry about him. (PHONE BUZZES)

Hi, Carol?

Yeah, er, yeah, he's with me now.

Yeah, all six foot two of him.

Erm... Yeah, listen. Do you think ready salted or smoky -

You what?

No way!

Ah! Please wait.

What did I do in a past life to deserve you here today, eh?

Sorry, Carol. You what?

Oh... No, no, it's not a problem. Not a problem at all. Yeah.

Fuck. All right, we're on our way.

All right. Love you, baby. Bye. Yeah?

Well, smoky bacon.

Let's do this. No. As in, what's the story, like?

Which story?

The phone call, Cardi, that you just had.

Oh, yeah. Er, Carol said that...

What did she say?

She said that you've had your... Your Yoda's had her caravan nicked.

She what? Was she in it?

Was she? Was she?

You're asking me? Was she in it when it happened?

Yoda? Yeah!

I didn't ask. My goodness.

We need to get over there now. I've got my car, if you want a lift.

Good woman. Shotgun! C'mon, Cardi!

Fuck!

You haven't?

♪ The best things in life are free

♪ But you can give them to the birds and bees

♪ I need money... ♪ That's what I want... ♪

I just, I don't see how this is even a little bit necessary, man?

Believe me, there's plenty of things I'D rather be doing.

Fuck me.

So, how have you been? We're not doing THAT!

We're not having small talk while you try and fist me back there.

It tends to relax everyone if we have a little conversation.

What do you mean EVERYONE? Why do YOU have to relax?

(LUBE SQUELCHES) Ooh.

Don't worry, that wasn't you. Ha-ha.

(WHISPERS) Fuckin' dickhead.

Right, just gonna... (SQUELCHING)

(STIFLES A MOAN) No. Just point your toes inwards.

(GRUNTS)

Dude. You have to give me something.

I... I feel like that's generous. That's a good amount of finger.

All right, deep breath.

Oh, fucking hell.

Haven't seen you for a while.

Maybe you don't need me so much since you've been seeing Fiona.

The new therapist?

Yeah, she's lo... She's lovely, actually.

She's helping. She is helping, making a difference.

Bet. (CHUCKLES) What you fucking laughing at?

Oh, is that a bit of professional jealousy

or something? You fucker! Fuck me!

Both hands or summat back there? What's going on.

Right, perfect. (SQUELCHING)

(REMOVES GLOVES) Nice smooth prostate.

Ooh. Armful of dicks.

Nothing to report down there. Thank God!

Well, all that's left to do now,

is go and cut that enormous wheel of cheese

you put that fucking coat on for.

Dude. Fucking hell.

Right...

How's your... hernia?

What are you on about, bloody hernia?

Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. What?

God, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. What?

You're "O'Neil", aren't you? Yeah.

I have Vince "O'Malley". I'll get your records.

Dickhead.

You fingered me for no reason? Fucking hell, man.

You wouldn't believe how often this happens.

I fucking WOULD believe how often that happens!

(PHONE RINGS) Fucking Carol. You all right, love?

You all right? Oh, eh, it's Meena, innit?

How's me hair? Is it all right? It's all right.

What about the front? Best it's ever been.

You all right? How the man?

Is that where Yoda's caravan was, down yonder?

Just that plot there, yeah. Who's "Yoda"?

My great gran.

It's a nickname - cos her name's Rhoda.

Is it fuck! It's because she looks exactly like Yoda.

What the fuck have I told you lot?

My great gran looks NOTHING like fucking Yoda. Right?

No, all I'm saying is, George Lucas has got a law suit out on her.

Shut your fucking mouth, Tommo.

She looks NOTHING like fucking Yoda! No.

No, she doesn't, but she sounds the fucking spit of him, you know?

Come here! I warned you, Tommo!

Does she? Yeah, honestly.

Swear to fucking God. Oh, here they come!

The Red Hand Gang on the Case Of The Mysterious Disappearing Caravan.

The big mystery is why would anyone nick that rotten old thing

when there's all these decent ones around. Makes no sense.

I agree. I think... Just... J-J-J-Just... Fuck me!

Oi! Give over. Pair of cunts.

Ashley, where the fucking hell's Doolan?

I thought he were living with fucking Yoda?

No! He went back to Ireland.

Get out of it. He's in hiding.

Fucking... Or...

Or has he kidnapped himself again? No, he took himself off -

after the McGuigans put a bounty on his head

because he called off the engagement with their eldest, Dervla.

Daddy, he's done it again!

So, who's Doolan? It's er...

It's Ashley's uncle.

He's got a pathological desire

to get engaged to every woman that he meets.

He's weird. What's your problem today?

Look, it's not his fault he's got an animal magnetism, all right?

He's a hopeless romantic.

He's catnip to a certain type of female caravan-dweller.

He is. Wow.

All right, for Christ's sake. Bloody Francis.

What the fuck does he want with us?

I mean, we know fuck all about missing caravans, do we?

He's just trying to get anyone he can to find it.

He's even offering a reward. (FRANCIS RANTS NEARBY)

Now he's after going nuclear on someone over.

You fucking pricks! You fucking arseholes!

Keep your head down when this happens.

Right, yous, fuck off out!

Go on, fuck off out!

That's not ideal, is it.

And yous... Hey, Francis.

Hey, Francis. Fuck off in!

All right, then.

He did a full 360 then. CAROL: Oh, here we fucking go.

Last night, an elderly woman

coming home from bingo

was shocked to discover her caravan...

..had been brutally abducted from her.

May I ask, how Rhoda is with everything now?

Have you not FUCKING heard me?!

She's fucking shocked!

Her home of 20 years robbed away.

So, erm, where is Granny? Are we gonna get to see her?

She's inside in the toilet.

And what d'you mean, are you going to get to see her?

No...

No reason.

(RHODA STRAINS AND WHEEZES) Ooh.

There she blows.

(GROANS)

Now, then, Rhoda, how's it going love?

I'm... I'm super sorry to hear about this...

caravan... stealery.

It's a rum do, innit? It's rum.

(YODA-LIKE VOICE) Shocking business this is.

Oh, it is that, Rhoda. It is. Stolen me caravan, they have.

Yes, we know. Shocking, Great Gran. It really is.

Shocked. Were all very shocked, aren't we?

Terribly so. Oh, no, it's awful. It was...

(MIMICS) Shocked about it, we are. (LAUGHS) Sorry.

So, erm, do you have you any idea who might have... abducted it?

Well, my thinking right now is it's the type of people who erm...

who like erm....

stealing caravans.

"The type of people who like stealing caravans."

Mm. I mean, who's that?

Well, whoever it is, they'll be dealt with fairly lively.

But first thing's first.

That caravan needs returning - immediately!

Well, it... Yeah, Franny it's just that...

I worry we won't find it. Only cos there's thousands of 'em.

I just wouldn't know where to start. Yeah.

Would it not be easier, Francis, just to buy her a brand-new one?

(RAISES VOICE) Would you like a new caravan, Rhoda?

It's just that the old one was very falling apart

and decrepit very much so. It's fucked.

Fucked very much so. I'm not fucking deaf!

Wouldn't mind a new one. She doesn't want a new one!

She wants the old one. Let the rain in, the roof did.

It has to be THAT one. She's an emotional attachment to it.

That's understandable.

Which is why I'm going to offer ten grand...

What the fuck?

..for its return. Big Daddy.

(CARDI WHISTLES)

Would like to get my Aloysius back.

Who's that, then? CAROL: Aloysius is her stuffed cat.

It was in the caravan at the time of abduction.

Stuffed cats. What is it with old ladies loving stuffed cats?

Stuffed cats and the smell of piss.

Oh, sorry.

Come on. What the fuck, dude?

Fucking listen to me. Listen to me.

Yeah. Ten fucking grand.

Ten grand for a fucked-up, fucking caravan.

What the fuck does that all mean?

Look, for that sort of money, it's worth a fucking go.

The amount of cash that stingy bastard has squirreled away all over the place,

I'd say he could buy her a new caravan ten times over.

Something's not sitting right with me.

Francis doesn't give a shite about anything that doesn't benefit him.

So why is he interested in that shag of an old caravan?

Yeah. He probably stashed all his fortune in it.

And that's why he's so desperate to get it back.

Bloody hell, Cardi, you're a genius.

That's what it is, in't it?

Jesus Fucking Christ, the lads got it!

No. You've fucking got it, mate.

He's always tinkering under Rhoda's caravan.

It's probably where he's keeping all his cash.

Nice one. Right, so, listen.

So we find that caravan, as requested.

We take the fucking money from out of it.

He's gonna think the guys that stole the caravan took the cash.

We say, "We just found this caravan dumped in a field."

Doesn't have to know, does he? (ALL CHUCKLE)

So he... he's just gonna assume that we've done our job.

Right? You know what I mean? We keep the fucking cash.

He's gonna be none the wiser. By the way...

we have a fucking reward of ten fucking grand.

(EXCITED CHATTER)

Madam. Please, madam. Oh, madam!

Oh, madam! Oh, shit, dude. (PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

What's up, love?

All right, sweetheart, just slow down a little bit.

All right. Listen, I'm on my way right now.

I'm on my way.

The police are on their way. Just try to remain calm.

Don't fucking tell me to calm down. Erin.

What's going on? Tyler's gone missing.

He not arrived at school, Vin. All right, sweetheart.

Where's the fucking police?! They're on their way.

Just calm down a little bit. What do we know?

He... He forgot his lunch box

and when I came in t'school to drop it off, he wasn't here.

He could've bunked off, could he? No.

A voice message had been left on the school phone.

It appears a man claiming to be Tyler's grandad left a message on our voicemail

to say that Tyler wouldn't be in today due to him being ill.

He hasn't got a fucking grandad! We realise that now.

Did you recognise his voice? Do you know who it is?

We don't know. Christ on a bike,

it's a fucking joke this, in't it? The police are on their way.

They'll be able to trace the voicemail.

I wanna hear the voicemail fucking now!

(BEEP) 'Message received Friday at 8:47am.'

JIM: 'This is Tyler Croft's Grandad.'

BOTH: Jim. 'I'm calling to report Tyler absent.'

I'll stop that there. That's Jim. Yeah.

Thanks for your time. Sorry. OK. Sorry.

Where is he? Eh? Who?

What do you mean who? Fucking Tyler.

Tyler? (GROANS) Jim!

I'm not fucking about. Where is he? There.

(HORN TOOTS)

(ENGINE HUMS)

Is he driving that juggernaut? Jim!

Fucking hell. You're in some shit, dude.

Tyler, we thought something terrible might have happened to you.

What were you thinking? Why are you not at school?

I don't like school. Excuse me? Since when?

You were fine last week. What's the matter with you?

Just forget it, Mum. We'll talk about this at home.

I am fuming with you. Absolutely fuming with you.

Right, so you tell me how it's dangerous.

I showed him where the brakes are.

What are they gonna do at school except fill his head

with a load of woke bollocks about the world being round?

It fucking IS round. Jesus Christ, Jim.

Look, the lad's doing good here.

He's my best worker. Is he?

Are you paying him for it all? Well, it's like an apprenticeship.

Yeah, I'll bet it is. Yeah. Invaluable life skills.

He's the perfect size to climb in and clear any jams in the baler.

Right, Tyler? It's a bad story to tell.

We're going. Vinnie, keep him away from me.

I'm gonna murder you, Jim. I am gonna fucking murder you.

I understand. No, I get it. Shut up, man.

I'm not the totally insensitive Neanderthal you think I am.

I can tell when you're on a period. It's no problem.

What did you say? Eh? No, no.

What the fuck did you say, Jim?! I didn't say anything!

Say it again! I didn't say anything!

You fucking did, Jim. Say it again now!

Vinnie. You're a dickhead.

You misheard me. Keep her going, Vin.

I might have the panini.

(PHONE CHIMES)

I have to see a man about a rabbit in half an hour.

They're short-staffed.

Shouldn't take much longer.

What do you mean you have to see a man about a rabbit?

It means I have to see a man... about a rabbit.

Lola's gonna turn four. She really wants a rabbit for her birthday.

Wow. Four already? Time flies.

Yep.

I heard you've had some issues when you took over the Benson Street lot.

That's a whole load more plates to keep spinning.

I'm not losing any sleep.

Yeah?

You need to tell me your secret.

No secret. Just no caffeine after noon,

a bit of yoga nidra...

and people who can be depended on.

And how IS Vincent?

Triple espresso...

and two hot chocolates.

Er... two hot chocolates with marshmallows.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

We were running low and only had enough for the one?

Shall we let our guest...

have some of the marshmallows,

Davey?

Friends share, don't they?

There's more than enough to go round for everybody.

In't that right, Manolito?

No need for anyone to get upset, is there?

It's not always so simple, though. Oh?

People DO get upset.

Sometimes you have friends who upset other friends.

And those other friends, they don't want to share with them any more.

Well, maybe in such a scenario...

..you'll be well placed to make the case to this... "friend"...

..that such an arrangement would be beneficial for all.

We're friends.

We can be trusted.

You know we've honoured our agreement

not to circulate certain... pictures.

Unfortunately, I very much doubt I would have any success

in persuading this particular friend.

You're being modest.

We both know you can be very persuasive if you want to.

(CHUCKLES) That's flattering...

but this friend I'm thinking of...

is quite discerning about the company he keeps...

and was adamant about not doing business

with anybody who's unpleasant to his friends.

Mm.

I swear on our Barry's grave, we didn't kidnap Dylan.

We've been nowhere near him.

So why would Dylan tell Vinnie that you DID?

I do not know, Donna.

If he was here, I'd ask him.

When you've finished sucking on that, I'll wait in t'car.

(SNORE-LIKE SOUNDS)

That goes in t'recycling.

Then you should put it there, if it means that much to you.

(BELL AT DOOR RINGS)

You know, Tyler, I'm so upset with you.

I really am. I can't...

Honestly, I can't believe that you lied to me.

I'm in two minds to not let you go to this barbecue later on.

Good.

Excuse me, what do you mean "good"? DRIVER: What the fuck?!

I said "good". I don't wanna go.

Why don't you wanna go, man?

Cos Seb will be there - and he picks on me.

Seb? What you talking about? You two are friends.

You've known each other since nursery.

He's not my friend. He still goes on about

when I wet myself in nursery - and tells everyone.

Oh, God. Right.

This is the kid that's bullied you before, is it?

No, it's, erm, it's another one. No, it's a little shit in his class.

His mum's one of the PTA cake stall Nazis.

All right, well, listen, don't worry about Seb.

If I see him, I'll pull his arse - We'll resolve it with words.

We'll have a chat with him. That's what grown-ups do.

Right, I'll talk to Seb's mum later.

What, at the barbecue thing? Yeah.

What is it, like, a kids-and-parentsy type deal?

It is, yeah. So why the bloody hell

haven't you asked ME to come? Vin, you would've said no.

I might not have done. Might've wanted it.

No, you hate things like that.

Like what? Things with lots of people there.

Like a big, you know... gathering... people.

I DO avoid people. (HORN BEEPS)

Well, fuck! That's the abducted caravan!

Shit! What?

Fucking ring Ashley! Bloody caravan!

Fuck!

(PEOPLE ARGUING)

ASHLEY: I can see Rhoda's caravan hidden away up that hill there.

It's definitely the McGuigans. They got moved on last week.

Looks like they're fixing for a celebration.

The two of them sisters there fighting... (LAUGHS)

..they've both had the misfortune to be engaged to Doolan before.

Why would they bother taking a shite caravan?

Well, I mean, happen that's where he DOES keep his bloody cash.

That's where Franny's money is. He wouldn't know that. WE didn't.

And we're flesh and blood. It's deeper and thicker than water.

Shut up! For crying out wittering.

Look, the fucking caravan's got a ten-grand reward on it, right,

and if we all find Franny's money,

that's just a fucking massive bonus, innit?

Now listen to me now. Hey. Hey!

I'm pondering, aren't I! Give over pondering.

I'm speculating. I need you lot

to scope that shit out after dark. Eh? Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

"You lot"? I've gotta go to a fucking barbecue.

Do you know that? Shit. There's loads of bloody spaces.

We could've parked up here. Oh, yeah.

You all right? Me?

Yeah. Yeah.

Are YOU all right? How you feeling? Fine.

Good? Listen, I wouldn't blame you if you weren't fine.

You're not going in there on your own.

You're going in there with a very exclusive properly hard gang.

We're not a gang! We're a family. Yes, well, it's the same, innit?

It's the same, only we never leave each other.

You know, always have each other's back.

Never not be there. Do you understand?

Yeah. Right, you.

OK. What? Better have my back in there.

I'm terrified. I've got your back.

Hi! Erin, Tyler. Oh, I'm so glad you came.

Mm.

I'm Vinnie. I'm Tyl... Tyler's...

I'm Tyler's dad. Yeah.

You're welcome. Come in, come in.

Come on. All right!

♪ EMPIRE OF THE SUN: We Are The People

Oh, there you go. He's happy. There's his mates, look.

Got some friends over there. Yeah.

Help yourself to drinks. Thank you.

Erin. Yeah?

Are you OK? Oh, hiya. You all right?

No...

No.

Hubby!

Introducing Vinnie. Hiya. You all right?

Vinnie. Now, then.

Good to finally meet you. Heard a lot about you from Tyler.

Have you? Little bugger. Combination there. (LAUGHS)

Do you know Greg, Craig, Adrian, Toby?

You all right, lads? How's it going? Adrian's Eva's dad. Toby's Harry's.

And Greg and Craig are Freddy's dads.

So welcome to the dad gang. It's not got a uniform, has it?

There's a lot of beige pants.

In't there? And the Hawaiian Shirts.

You look like a calypso group. Look at you.

(LAUGHS) No, it's just a...

happy coincidence, you know, can't go wrong.

Well, you CAN go wrong, cos you've all worn the same shit.

You look...

Uh... Mm.

Well, we're flying back again next half term.

What'll that be? Your fourth trip abroad this year?

Yeah! I mean... I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it

if we weren't already taking steps to reduce our carbon footprint.

Oh, we put in a wood burner. Oh.

Lorraine. Yeah?

Can I have a word? Oh, sorry.

If it's about the cake stall, my hands are tied.

Oh -There's still a waiting list for helpers.

No, no, no, it's about your Seb. Erm, so he's been...

He's been saying things about Tyler, to the other kids and -

Oh, God, Erin. Boys! What are they like?

All as bad as one another. Uh... don't know about that.

What are we gonna do, eh? They're doomed to turn into men!

(LAUGHS)

Katherine, what's going on with these mojitos?

I don't want yous going home sober.

Coming up. Listen. Maybe....

(MUSIC CHANGES) Oh, yes, this is my jam! Wooh!

♪ JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: Rock Your Body

(EXCITED CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

Go and have a look. Is it a new barbie?

Brand-new. It's bonnie.

Yeah, have a look a that. Very nice.

How are you getting on, lad? I'm good, thanks. All right.

Can I have a go with your tongs? Yeah, go for it.

Fucking range on them. You know they're good, don't you?

Just gonna have a go at one of these sau-sarges.

It's harder than it looks, innit?

They're very thi... quite thin sau-sarges.

Oh, it's fucking dropped in.

Gone right down there, hasn't it? (TONGS RATTLE)

Oh, no, it's gone.

Take that off me, cos honestly I'm just fucking use...

Lads, listen. I'm sorry. I don't socialise well.

I thought... I thought I could fucking handle it.

But there's just too much going on.

You're fine, man. No, it's not fine.

I'm fucking rude and I'm weird. You're all in this Hawaiian shit.

I don't understand. It's freaking... You're fine, mate.

Erin? (LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)

♪ BIG COUNTRY: In A Big Country

No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

This is giving me fucking bad jujus.

It's giving me Wrong Turn vibes.

Why would they park a caravan right up here...

unless they've got something to hide?

Who's going in, then? Who's going in?

Who's going in? Ashley, get gone.

CAROL: Come on, we want to know what's in there.

Why's it always me first? I don't take orders from you.

You fucking will. Carol, tell Ashley to go inside

and make sure no-one's in there. Go and have a look in there.

What's gonna be in there? It's not anything scary?

Go on. I'm right behind you.

Let's go. Come on.

Where do you reckon the money's hidden? Can't be too many places.

Look, let's just get in and out.

There's Aloysius there. Look. Err. It's fucking weird.

Why is this chain locked to the fridge?

Shh, shh, shh. Shut the fuck up, lads. Shh.

Oh, wait, guys. What's that?

What is in there that needs chaining up?

(ALL SCREAM AND YELL)

What the fuck?!

Doolan! Fuck sake, you terrible cunt!

You scared Ashley half to death.

Why the fuck are you chained to a fridge?

Are you not supposed to be in Ireland, hiding out?

The McGuigans burst in just as I was about to leave for the ferry.

I managed to barricade myself into the jacks pretty good,

so's they couldn't get at me.

Next thing I know, they're taking the whole caravan with me in it.

Why? What are they gonna do to you? They want revenge.

They're forcing me to marry Dervla McGuigan in the morning.

Ah, right. Yeah. Dervla McGuigan. I've been so scared.

I don't want to have to get married. I'm too young.

I just get caught up in the whole romance of it all, you know?

Oh, er. Yeah, no, we HAVE heard.

I'm so relieved you've come to rescue me.

Ah, right. Man up there, Doolan.

Which one is it? Him.

The one in the glasses? Yeah. And terrible shirt.

All right, lads? Seb, hiya.

Can I have a quick word? What about?

Er, well, listen.

I think you might not be aware that some of the things

you're saying about Tyler is making him really sad.

Oh, really? Yeah.

You know, I don't think you realise that bringing certain things up from people's past

can be embarrassing for that person. What? About him wetting himself?

Yeah, but it was a long time ago. It was in nursery!

I mean, everyone's had accidents growing up.

It's not my fault, though, is it? Sorry?

It's not my fault that HE wet himself and people call him Little Miss Piss Pants.

Well, I'm not saying that.

But you're the one bringing it up and telling people.

All I'm doing is telling the truth, right?

Am I not allowed to tell the truth? Well, I'm not suggesting that, am I?

Good, cos you can't stop my right to free speech.

It's a free country. I can tell whoever I want that he pissed his pants.

Well, yeah. Yeah, you could but I don't understand why you'd want to.

Cos it's funny. It's funny?

Yeah. Yeah. It's not funny to Tyler.

It is to a lot of other people. People have a right to know

that he might piss his pants on them at any moment.

OK.

Oh, Seb!

Oh, no, he's had an accident!

Oh. Er, Lorraine?

Lorraine, Seb - he's had an accident!

He's peed in his chinos. I didn't do it.

Are you Seb? He's peed...

He's pissed his trousers. Your mum's coming.

Your mum's coming. ♪ Little Sebby piss pants!

♪ Little Sebby piss pants!

♪ Little Sebby piss pants! Little Sebby piss pants!

Sick! ♪ One of these days, these boots...

I didn't do it. ♪ ..are gonna walk all over you ♪

(SIGHS) Oh, bugger.

They make it look so easy in films, don't they?

I told you. What would the world be like

if every lock could be picked by a fucking fork or a nail file?

Should we just put some butter on your wrist or something?

Fuck sake, you're the brains of the op, eh?

Is there no-one better could help?

(VOICES AND THUMPS OUTSIDE) What are they up to?

Nothing. Just... nothing.

(MUFFLED VOICES AND GENTLE THUDS)

TOMMO: I can't see anything. Oh! Hang on! There's something.

There's something! What?

CAROL: A safe? It's here, I've got it.

It's a handle. It's a... And are you pulling it?

Yep, I'm pulling it. I'm pulling it. (GROANS)

Ah, come on, Tommo. Put your shoulder into it, will you?

Do it! I got it moving a little bit.

Yes! Yes. Come on, Tommo! Go, man!

It's coming loose! Ah! (SPLATTERING)

Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck is the smell?

He's released the toilet tank. Yeah.

I never knew there was such a thing in there.

Jesus Christ. You don't use the toilet?

Never in the caravan. That's fucking disgusting.

That's unhygienic.

Oh. Hi, Tommo. You OK?

So, Cardi says Francis has his cash under the caravan?

Oh, Jesus. There's no cash under there, Doolan.

What the fuck happened to him? Oh, Jesus.

Toilet emptied on him.

You all right, Tommo? Mmm.

I'm... sort of processing.

Maybes Francis left money somewhere else in the caravan.

Yeah, probably. Yeah.

(UTENSILS RATTLE)

Cardi, what are you supposed to be doing?

I j-j-just...

Put the fucking crisps down and look for the money!

All these years of trying to get my own back on that tight bastard brother of mine,

and his cash was here somewhere. You're not getting a cut of it.

What? I fucking deserve a cut after the shit he put me through.

What are you on about? You've just been rescued.

You don't get a cut if you've been rescued.

I don't make the rules. I just implement them.

There's no money here, anyway. We've searched every inch.

Aw, shit, I was so sure it was here.

Nah, Francis would never leave it somewhere where we can easily just stumble upon it.

We have to go and get the tools and come back for Doolan.

What?! You can't leave me here.

They're coming for me in the morning.

They're gonna forcibly marry me. Please don't leave me!

OK, Doolan. All right, Uncle. Breath now. Relax.

Don't forget your breathing. Doolan, will you fucking man up?

Come on. See you.

Oh, see you, then.

Love you loads.

You're my precious sweet peach.

He's fucking cheered up. Gum.

You're a badass mum, you know? You're my Brandy...

Brandy Vermouth.Vermouth. I can't say it.

Well, you're a badass dad, Vincent O'Neil.

Flirting. Mmm-hmm.

You coming in?

Yeah, definitely.

(CHUCKLES) (PHONE RINGS)

You know what?

It's Ashley.

Course it is.

Go on. Shit.

What do you want, you?

'We need a tow. Soon as possible, please.'

Course.

You need to go. OK? Sorry.

It's OK. I'm so sorry.

I'll see you tomorrow. All right.

I fancy you loads. Night.

Loads and loads.

Fucking... Where are you, then?

ASHLEY: Excuse me. Can you stay back please, Tommo?

You stink bad. Carol, tell him.

Stay back, you're fucking rancid.

Doolan, can you push a bit harder?

We're after fucking saving you! (DOOLAN'S CHAIN RATTLES)

Right, Vin's gonna meet us with Jim and his tractor...

on Steep Lane. CAROL: Where the fuck is Steep Lane?

Steep lane, that's fucking two fields away.

This is stupid. We're gonna get caught.

We're gonna get caught if you don't stop your fucking griping.

DERVLA: Doolan! I love you! I want you!

I can't wait until, tomorrow. Oh, shit.

Dervla, don't. It's bad luck before the wedding.

I want him to see how beautiful I look.

I just love him so much.

Wait.

They're taking the caravan!

Fucking bastard! Leg it!

Oh! (TOMMO SCREAMS)

He's trying to escape!

Push! Push!

(SHOUTING)

♪ DAVID BOWIE: Suffragette City

CAROL: They're shooting at us!

Just get it rolling down the hill!

That's right. Shut up! Ow!

That's it! That's it. Push!

(THEY GROAN) CARDI: It's moving. Keep moving!

Kill them! ASHLEY: Push!

Sorry, Uncle! You're on your own!

(URGENT CHATTER) Get in! Get in!

(CHAIN RATTLES) Oh, no, no, no, no!

Come on, run!

Run, Doolan! Run, boy!

Hold on there, boy. Run, Doolan, run! Run!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

(PANICKED SHOUTS)

(ANGRY SHOUTS)

♪ When you're smiling

♪ When you're smiling

♪ The whole world smiles with you

Oh, no, you fuckin' stink! (GAGS)

Eurgh! Fucking eurgh!

Bastards! You!

You fucked us anyway.

Oh, no! (SHOUTING AND SWEARING)

Oh! The golden ticket!

The golden ticket! I've won 50 grand, lads!

The ticket! The golden ticket!

What the fuck?

Doolan, grab the ticket! It's worth 50 grand.

Get the ticket! Get the ticket!

50 grand!

(MUSIC AND SHOUTING)

It's the ticket off the crisps! The golden ticket!

50 grand! Give it here! Give it to me!

Doolan, grab the fridge door!

(SHOUTING)

I can't believe you've let Tyler drive that fucking death trap.

F-Fucking death trap?

Hey, it wasn't a death trap when YOU was his age, was it?

Hey? It was all right then.

Can you just shut up wittering, you old... Oh, what the fuck?

There's Doolan holding a fridge door.

Hi, there, Doolan.

Oh, you fucking stink, Tommo. Oh.

What the fuck? We found the golden ticket, man,

but now the McGuigans have got it.

We couldn't find any hidden money. We found Doolan.

He got hit in the face with a fridge door

and now we all stink of old poo! Gross.

Because Tommo was deliberately rubbing up against us.

Fucking get it together! We've got to get the fuck out of here!

(SHOUTING)

All right. Style it out. Style it out.

(SHOUTING)

We're just on a walk with t'dogs.

It's fuckin ruined.

Well, you know, I mean, Christ.

She's been through the bloody mill,

but that is still a very good workhorse, that.

I wouldn't say it's ruined. Do you know what I mean?

I would. You trashed it, so you won't be getting ten grand.

Bit of gaffer tape.

It never were worth ten grand.

Eh. Shut your hole, you. Yep.

Very angry, in't he? Angry old man.

Shall we fuck off? He's depressed. That's what it is.

Can we leave him? Trapped rage.

(LIVELY CHATTER)

♪ THE SPENCER DAVIS GROUP: Gimme Some Lovin'

♪ Let me in, baby, I don't know what you got

♪ But you better take it easy, this place is hot

♪ And I'm so glad we made it

♪ So glad we made it

♪ You gotta gimme some lovin'

♪ Gimme, gimme some lovin'

♪ Gimme some lovin' ♪ Gimme, gimme some lovin'

♪ Gimme some lovin' ♪ Every day... ♪

You all right, Fran. Are you happy?

You'll have to buy her a new fridge is all I knows.

You're putting her back in that shit hole?

That woman is very fond of her wagon.

Stomp, stomp, Hagrid. Fucking hell.

(LAUGHS) Hagrid. Never mind fucking Hagrid.

I reckon we should feel good there.

We've done a really good thing there.

Fucking hero stuff.

Now, then, come here to me, you. She's the apple of me eye.

Gorgeous woman, are you happy you've got your wagon back?

Fucking state it is.

Want an 'and with your bullshit? No, I don't, and it's not shit!

You all right, Granny?

Sit down, love. OK, Great Gran.

She's got her home back, hasn't she? Yes, thank you.

Oh, that's nice.

Now... Wrecking the gaff.

Hey, what's the petrol for, Great Gran?

Oh... shit. (FIRE ROARS)

Oh... (LAUGHS)

CAROL: After all that! (LAUGHS) Fucking hell!

What the fuck?

What the fuck?!

TOMMO: She's only gone and done it! No! The caravan!

My fucking money! No!

Fuck!

No!

Oh, Christ, he loved that caravan.

Fuck!

I've never seen him so fuckin' upset.

Well, that's summat at least.

Fuck!

No! No! Fuck!

No!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Aarghh!

(CLOCK TICKS)

It's nice to meet you, Erin.

Yeah, you too.

I've heard a lot about you.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure. (BOTH LAUGH)

Why do you think Vinnie wanted you to come today?

I guess he wants you to explain why he's such a monstrous fuck up.

(LAUGHS) Now, there's a challenge.

Mr Rabbit Man here took my money for a snow-white bunny rabbit

and on the day of my Lola's birthday, he says there is problem.

I'll get you a white bunny.

(ALARM BELL RINGS)

Oh, fucking hell!

What the fuck were you thinking, driving so recklessly?

Look at the size of this bastard! Can I have him back now?

You don't have to do this if you don't want to.

No, I do. I have to do it for me and for Carol.

(CRIES)

(GASPING AND SHOUTING)

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