Original subtitles

If that's another fucking Lithuanian living in my roof...

Honestly!

You lot love attics!

Kip in the barn and piss in the field.

It'll be a lot easier!

(MUSIC BUILDS)

(SCURRYING AND SQUEAKING)

(FRANTIC SQUEAKING)

(MENACING SQUEAK)

Aaaaaaaargh!

♪ THE BEATLES: Money (That's What I Want)

(SIGHS) Fucking hell! Who's died, then?

Oh, the Millers. They were in a cult.

You might have read about it. Dead messy!

But at least now they're with their Alien Overlord,

or whatever the fuck they thought would happen

when they blasted each other's brains out. RIP.

You're er... quite weird, you, aren't you?

Oh, thanks (!) 'Ey, if you ever wanna come over

and try your hand at embalming, just er... give us a bell.

(Be nice to hang out.)

Might do.

Fucking hell! I'm not ten. Jesus Christ!

Do you know what I mean... Did you do some sexy flirting up there?

No. Fuck off. I thought we were here to sort my loft out!

We are! Are you sure it's Cardi's fucking fault?

Vinnie, the rats have made a nest

out of pizza boxes, which didn't come from me,

cos I don't eat -Foreign food. - Foreign fucking food! All right.

All right. There's too many for traps, and poison - no chance.

My sheep might eat it.

Why would your sheep eat poison

in a fucking loft in a barn? Have you seen them goats that can climb mountains?

Er... Well, what's to stop a fucking sheep

going up a ladder? I couldn't help overhearing

that you've got a bad case of the Rattus Rattus.

(SILENCE) (It's Latin for rat.)

Given the scale of the problem, right,

there's only one man you can trust who can fix this.

(Unfortunately... he's a bit of a twat.)

(VINNIE GROANS) Fucking Rat Catcher?

But you lads...

..can call me Curtis.

Hey, fuck me, you never said it were Curtis Plum!

Curtis Plum the DJ? That's right, yeah.Ex-DJ.

Oh... I binned that hedonistic lifestyle 15 years ago.

I heard you had a breakdown. I had a fucking epiphany!

(His bird shacked up with another bloke

(and he smashed up a Londis with a cricket bat.)

I donated my decks to UNICEF

and realised what my true calling in life was. Killing rats?

Amen. How much do you want

for fuckin' murdering a ton of 'em in his loft?

I don't work for money.

Well, neither do we, most of the fucking time, do we?(CHUCKLES)

What do you want? I want my old manager Mickey's ashes.

In his wife's house, in the lounge, in an urn.

Here's the address.

Charming (!) 'Ere, don't lose it.

Once they're in my possession,

I'll get rid of your rats. How about that for a deal?

All right. We're gonna have to hurry up on this, Vin.

If the council get wind of this, I'm fucked.

All right. I'm already on a Section 1026 notice.Sound.

Cunts! It should've been a Section 1045, if anything...

All right, now. ..or a Section 1022.

I did have a Section 1009 once - Stop!- but that got overturned.

Shut the fucking... Stop saying numbers at me! Dickhead.

I'm gonna send our Ashley round to scope out the scene.

If it's clear, we'll get that shit for you tonight. Get gone. Go on.OK.

Buzzin'!

So I googled the wife, right? Her name is Gina Mead.

She was in a girl band in the '80s called Pink Ordeal

and has been on Top Of The Pops not once, not twice,

but, would you believe it, three times. Shut the fuck up.

Listen to me. We're robbing her fucking house,

not writing her autobiography, are we? Biography. Eh?

It'd be "biography". If we were writing it, it'd be a biography.

"Auto" means "oneself". Like "autofellate" - to nosh yourself off.

Can you do that? If I've been keeping up my Pilates, then yes.

I fucking... I swear to God, I'm gonna autofellate the lot of you, if you keep wittering on.

You're getting on my tits. Good evening, fellas.

Shit. Big fella, short fella,

chubby fella

and one with a hideous neck tattoo.

All right, weird... egg with a moustache (!)

I can have you for that - offensive language. You fucking started it!

I was just letting you know that I've clocked you... up here,

in the old grey jotter!

Fuck me... All fine. Carry on.

Bye, then. Officer.

Turd... Fucking hell.

(INDISTINCT MUMBLING) What an idiot. Fucking idiot...

I can't find me fucking eye hole!

(METALLIC CLANG) Shit! You fucking lemon. Don't drop it, you dick!

(OK, we're clear.) Just walk round.

You can just walk round, like this. Oh, bollocks.

Right, come on.

Take 'em off. What? Take the ballies off.

We look cool, though. Shh, quiet. She might be inside.

(CLATTER) Jesus... Crap!

What the fuck? (LOW GROWL)

You said there weren't any dogs here, Ashley. That's not a dog.

It's a meerkat, or something.

Looks like a wig. It's a fucking dog. Get it before it barks.

God, dude, it's a mutant.

(DOG WHINES) Hiya. His name's Tommo.

Look at his tag. What?

It's called fucking Little Tommo, in't it?

Get in the fucking house.

Ah, bingo. What are you doing? Let me go, dude.

Me first, you fucking lemon. Shh!

(LITTLE TOMMO WHINES) Oh, fuck.

There's four of them!

Shit, which one's Mickey's, then? Put that fucking dog down.

(READS) My beloved spouse. Love of my life. Darling husband.

I've got no fucking idea.Shit. Fuck it, let's just take any of 'em.

(FIERCE YELL)

Whoa! Fuckin' hell! You picked the wrong house this time!

What are you doing? Go and fight her! Yaaa!

(CRIES OUT) Ow! Fuck me...(BATTLE CRY)

Bloody hell!

(FRENZIED YELLING)

♪ DICK DALE: Misirlou

Argh! Fuckin' hell! She bit me, lads. Ow!

Oh...

Aaargh! (THUD) We're just here

for the urn that has Mickey in it.

You what? Who sent you?

Eh? It wasn't Curtis Plum, was it?

No, it weren't. No. (CLEARS THROAT) I'm gonna smash 'em all!

I'll punch your dog! You wouldn't. Oh!

Go! Go in that van!

(COMMOTION)

Curtis Plum's a fucking liar!

Tell him I hope he gets leprosy of the arsehole!

I swear, I thought she was gonna smash that fucking - Whoa!

Oof! Er...

Fuck, dude! I think I broke my nose again.

It's too big, Dad. It's not too big..

There you go. All right.Aww... (CHUCKLES)

Thanks for the bike, Vin. Oh, you're all right. I haven't nicked it off a kid.

(CHUCKLES)

How's therapy going? It's good.

Yeah? Yeah, it's all right.

Do you feel like it's helping? I don't know.

I don't know.

Yeah, it must be. Yeah.

(BIRDSONG)

What's going on between us, Vin?

How do you mean?

Oh, come on. You know what I mean.

(BICYCLE BELL RINGS) Erm...

Fucking hell, that seat's too high up. It's fine.

It's not, cos if he falls off... (TUTS) He won't fall off.

Just leave it. Just let me have a fiddle with it. Vin? I'll come back in a sec.

Come here to me. Show me a wheelie.

(SIGHS)

♪ SUPERTRAMP: Goodbye Stranger

I can't believe you sent this Curtis Plum guy your grandmother's ring!

Ah, I was 14 years old. It's not like I did it last week.

Yeah, but why? Oh, everybody knew him and wanted him...

..wanted to feel his body pressed up against theirs

in a night of explosive passion! Rumour had it...

..that he was a big lad... (TUTS) Oh!

..and that he could ride you till sunrise

and still have enough left in the tank

to smash the gee out of you and your best friend... Oh, God!

..after a light breakfast. (CACKLES)

You know? (CAR HORN HONKS)

All right!

Peep, peep, motherfucker!

Someone's told me that you wanna meet a decrepit old DJ.

CAROL: I'm getting the ring back.

(KNOCKS AT DOOR) Fucking hell, here we go.

Oh, God...

Fellas! Mm. Ladies...

Are we sorted, or what? Did you get 'em? Been a bit of a mishap.

Mishap, how?

(MUMBLES)

Per-fucking-fecto.

You happy? Mm. Fabulous!

See? Do you fancy coming in for a brew, or what?

Oh, yes, we would! I can't... Can of worms, love.

Fuck... Come on, then, Sugar. (MOUTHS)Is that cheese in there?

Yeah, and pickle (!) Dude, it is a shit hole

in here. What's the deal? Come in, come in. We'll look around

as soon as he fuckin' fucks off.

You just moved in, Curtis? Well, yeah, sort of,

but it was about 2015... (GASPS)

..just after my Auntie Moira died. Yeah.

She used to like things neat.

Actually, guys, can you just give me a minute?

I'm just gonna have a little... tidy-up. Yeah, yeah.

You do that. Thanks for having us. (Let's start over there.)

(What the fuck?)Jesus, lads, this place is like a murderer lives here.

Hey! I swear to God. Keep your fucking voice down.

(CHUCKLES) He's not a murderer.

He's an oddly topless, sensual DJ.

Vincent, he's got hooks on the fucking ceiling and he kills rats.

Serial-killer shit, in't it? Yeah, and he never wears a top.

Jeffrey Dahmer never wore a top. Yes, he did.

Fred West wore tops. Ted Bundy wore tops.

I've got a Ted Bundy top. You've got a Ted BAKER top.

Stop talking about what serial killers wore bloody tops!

He's a fucking DJ - that's it. He's a nice fella. He's sensitive.

He's a DJ - right,

cos they're all nice lads, them (!)

Way-hay! Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.

Thanks for having us.

Come in. Make yourself at home. Right, yeah, just... Hey!

Sorry. Do you have any chairs, or...

Jeez, chairs! Look, I'm so used to not having any,

that I didn't even notice that the...

(CLATTER)

There you are, love. You're up the duff, aren't you?

It's not quite the phrase I'd use, but... thanks.

I don't really have many visitors.

Just thinking out loud, but do you reckon you don't have any visitors

cos you don't have any chairs?

Maybe I got rid of the chairs cos nobody came round.

Yeah, I suppose so, yeah. (SNIFFS)

Jeez, I forgot Mickey! (CELLOPHANE RUSTLES)

Mickey... Hm!

Can you just excuse me a minute?

Actually, it would mean a lot...

..if you could all be there.

♪ THE HEAVY: Short Change Hero

Thanks. Thanks, guys.

Thanks for being here.

Pissing on him...

So long, you fucking prick!

(SNIFFS)

Ooh! Hello!

Brew? (GROANS)

Sorry about the er... eclectic array of cups,

but there is a lot of you, in't there?

Dude, what's all this shit in here? What do you mean?

What do you mean? It's madness. It's madness, innit?

This can't all be from rat catching, love. Well, you'd be surprised.

But yeah, you know, once I had my er...

Mental breakdown?

(TUTS) Epiphany...

(Epiphany.)

..I couldn't bear to be parted from objects of great beauty.

Mm, I can see that,

but all this shit now, dude,

it's anxiety-inducing, the gaff. (Just so much stuff, Erin. It's unnatural.)

I'm riddled with anxiety. I've been here ten minutes.

I can't imagine how you feel!

There you go. What can I say, brother?

Tidying just isn't my thing. Mm.

I've thought about getting someone in once,

but they just want money. Unbelievable, eh? Some people!

Well, we can... we can clean the house, can't we?

Yeah, yeah. Let us help you out, get rid of all this mess.

I suppose a spring clean might be good idea,

although a lot of this stuff is very precious to me!

Valuable.

I've got some unopened nappies somewhere in the house.

You can have them as payment. Aww, thank you.

Well, that sorts that right out,

don't it? 'Ey, listen,

I want you up at Jim's farm tomorrow morning, 9am.

Three, two, one.

He's two fucking hours late, Vin!

For the love of Christ! Listen, Rentokil give you an 'alf-day window, didn't they?

So you're still up on the fucking deal. Stop whining!

(GRUMBLES) Here he is, look.

Finally!

Morning.

Oh, here he is.

Efficient, I see (!)

The right fucking season, at least (!)I overslept.

It's a good job you've been "paid" already,

because I'd be docking your wages now.

I don't like your harsh attitude, brother.

I'll come back when you're full of peace and love. You'll have a long fucking wait, pal!

Hang on a minute! I'm sorry about him. Just listen!

He's always been this way and he has got a load of rats

shagging the life out of his loft, so we need it sorting.

Council's pecking his head now, aren't they?

So be fucking nice.

Pretty please.

Hmm...

You prick. Pillock!

So what's the sleeping bag for - dead rat overflow (?)

I like to nest in with them, you know, till t'job's done.

And Mrs Ratcatcher's happy with that, is she?

Mrs? No.

I'm young, free and single, brother.

It's not gonna be a problem, me staying, is it, Vin?

Cos I think, you know, it's best I'm out the way

while the girls clear the house and you know...

it's gonna be tough for me watching my life's work disappear in the back of a van.

Absolutely. I get it, man. I get it.

(POINTEDLY) It is no fucking problem whatsoever, is it?

(Gobshite...) Join the club!

Why not?

There's more knob ends slept in that attic recently

than the fucking Hilton (!)

What do you want? Fucking room service (?)

That'd be lovely.

SUGAR: Oh, Jesus Christ!

We'd better start. (COUGHING) Eurgh! Bleurgh!

Whoa... Ah, maybe we just forget about the ring.

It's not as if my gran was that happily married.

No way! No! Are you up for this, you?

Anything to take my mind off JJ.

Anyway, I'll need them gross nappies that Curtis mentioned,

if I'm gonna be a single mum.

Listen, you are gonna be everything what that baby needs, all right?

Anyway, you're not single -

you can stay at my house for as long as you like.Mm. Right...

Where do we start? Cousin Fergal will be over later in his dead-nan van

and he will rid this place in no time

and he will give us £200 for the pleasure.

All we have to do is find that fecking ring.

No! Hey! Do I look like fucking Basil Fawlty?

It's in preparation. Preparation. Preparation.

Is this a fucking bed and breakfast? Stop pestering me, will you?

Even the bloke with the terriers

said he could get the job done in two days!

Still getting on, then (?) 'Ere, lazy prick.

I'm not fucking doing that shit for you again. Don't get used to that!

Mate, I wasn't gonna leave this tosser in my house by himself, Vin.

In fact, I've changed my mind on those rats.

Lets just nuke the fucking lot of 'em!

OI!

Stop shouting, all right?

What is your fucking beef with him? He's a sweetheart.

He don't even wear tops, Vin...

and that's a black-belt wanker move.

I need to give the rats full access to my pheromones.Right.

He wants to be up there a week.

A whole fucking week! He just don't respect my methods, brother.

I heard him in the attic reciting poetry to 'em!

Rats are highly intelligent mammals.

Rats are cunts!

You've gotta gain their trust, you see.

Gain their trust, then... bam!

What do you mean? You just twat 'em with a stick? Pretty much. Fuck me!

How do you think I maintain 12% body fat?

Well, it's... it's twatting rats to death, in it?

I'm the Rat Master.

You need to trust what I'm doing,

trust my methods.

I actually invite them to leave first, "mano a rato".

Then, if they don't...

(SIGHS)

♪ WET LEG: Chaise Longue

Aargh... Aaargh!

(CACKLES) Oh, put them down!

Ooh!

Oh, heck...

♪ On the chaise longue

♪ On the chaise longue On the chaise longue

♪ All day long On the chaise longue

♪ On the chaise longue On the chaise longue

♪ On the chaise longue

♪ All day long On the chaise longue

♪ On the chaise longue

♪ On the chaise longue On the chaise longue

♪ All day long On the chaise longue

♪ On the chaise longue

♪ On the chaise longue On the chaise longue

♪ All day long On the chaise longue (THEY SCREAM)

♪ All day long All day long on the chaise longue

We're never gonna get that smell out of our nostrils.

♪ All day long On the chaise longue ♪

I am in so much pain. My neck...

All right, tell Fergal it's the recycling next...

and then this is the stuff that wants fixing...

and then this stuff is good for resale, yeah?

We've not even a third way through the house yet, are we?

You know, let's just call them dickheads so they can help.

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah, we need help. We need help.

Eight hours' manual labour

and all we've got to show for it is some old boxes of cassettes

and this lot, which I can only assume

is an old bit of acid. (CAROL CHUCKLES)

You have that. No, no, no. I'm on the straight and narrow, mate.

Fucking hell!

Let's look at that.

Red Balloons. Huh? 99 Red Balloons.

It's fucking legendary, that stuff. Jesus Christ!

All right. Straight and narrow. All I'm saying is...

I'm not gonna take it, am I? It's just....

It's a collector's item. It's vintage, yeah.

Hang on... Cardi, you angel, did you find it?

No, but... what's this?

Oh, that IS vintage! Oh...

It looks pagan.

Oh, what's it made of?

That doesn't feel like paper, that.

One way to find out.

Aaaargh! (SCREAMS) What, what?

It's a... (CLEARS THROAT) ..a "mammary papilla".

ALL: What? It's a nipple! It's a fucking nipple.

Is it the first dead nipple you've had in your mouth?(LAUGHS)

It's some sort of animal skin with tattoos.

Oh, my God, it's human. BOTH: Waaaa!

(BOTH SHRIEK) I can still fucking taste it! I can taste it in my mouth!

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, TOMMO! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Very nice, yes. Well done. (CLEARS THROAT)

You, you - follow me.

Where? The one place where I've seen this symbol before.

Closed, my arse (!)

WOMAN: I'm closed! See what I mean? Unnecessary, that.

(WIND CHIMES TINKLE / DREAMLIKE MUSIC PLAYS)

(CLEARS THROAT) I said I'm closed!

I'm closed!

Right, yes, well, er... it is quite important, so...

And I'm talking to dead people. Ooh!

Anyway... (CLEARS THROAT) ..do you know what this is?

Rings a bell.

It's an occult symbol I had drawn on the wall to jazz the place up a bit.

No idea how it got on your map, however. Hmm...

Map? However, interesting.

Vellum. Mm-hm.

Human. Oh? Oh? Yeah...

Give you twenty quid for it. Great.

'Ey, 'ey, 'ey, 'ey, Ashley... No.

Let's get out of here. £30.

Woo! 'Ey, sticky fingers!

Huh!

(DREAMLIKE MUSIC CONTINUES / CLOCK TICKING)

Mmm... ♪ (HUMS)

OK. Yeah, I'll ask him.

£100.

The spirits are very keen for me to have it. Tommo?

Yeah, but crucially, what you're saying is,

you're not gonna give us any information?(SNIFFS)Right.

Very good, lads. Onwards.

It's cursed! The map is cursed!

(MAKES WHOOSHING NOISES)

I curse it - and I curse you, too, you little wanker.

Yeah, when you're 5'5" and you hang around with these cunts,

you're pretty much cursed as it is, so I'll take my chances.

Erm, please, please can I buy some crystals while I'm here? Sure.

Yes!

(SIGHS)

(SHOP BELL DINGS) Why didn't we take the hundred quid?

That's more than anyone else will pay for a soggy old bit of skin we found in Plum's gaff.

Because, Ashley, you saw the look on the woman's face.

Whatever this map leads to

is clearly worth more than whatever she was offering.

You mean like a treasure? No, not fucking...

Well, yeah, treasure! (CHUCKLES) Treasure!

(HYPNOTIC TICKING)

This is weird, right?

I just hate my fucking hands!

They... they... they're odd to me.

My fucking face is the same. I'll look in the mirror.

Every now and then, it... it feels like... it's not my face.

Like it doesn't belong to me.

I mean, I could just be a bloody narcissist.

You know... thinks he's fucking ugly, or summat of that kind,

you know. Hmm...

Well, we're all narcissists to some degree, Vinnie.

Hmm... (CHUCKLES)

We used to have this...

..fancy-dress thing once a year at school.

'Because Dad was always drunk, it was, like, last minute.

Everything was last minute, so we'd have to pull together

some sort of a fucking outfit from around the house...

..so I remember once, I wore a snorkel with the bloody goggles...

..and them fucking flipper things.

When we got to school,

my dad sort of announced me as fucking Snorkel Boy,

or some shit like that. He found it hilarious...

but I suddenly got really fucking embarrassed.

No-one laughed at it.

They just...

stared.'

(INHALES AND EXHALES)

(DREAMLIKE MUSIC)

Oh, that must have been hard.

Do you remember how it affected that little boy?

I wanted to get away from it all, wanted to disappear,

become invisible.

Invisible? Mm. Why?

Just how much of a fucking ugly little weirdo must I be

to be stared at like that,

by the teachers and by the kids...

Do you think that's why you constantly change your appearance?

You know, the tattoos and stuff...

Rather than to be noticed, you become unrecognisable

and therefore invisible?

Maybe, actually, yeah.

I just... I don't...

..feel like it's bloody vanity, do you know what I mean?

I've just... I've never liked the way I looked - never.

(ALARM CHIMES) Bloody hell!

Sometimes, when that goes off, I'm furious

and the rest of the fucking time I'm just relieved.

Homework.

"I must not call myself an ugly cunt,"

and I have to write it down a hundred times - is that it?

No, I want you to be more aware of other people's feelings.

Seek first to understand,

then be understood.

Hmm.

It didn't work, by the way. What's that?

You're not invisible. I can see you.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

All these are from my loft? Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Good job you don't charge by the kilo (!)

What did I tell you, Jim?

Trust me. Trust you?

I know your type: ex-pretty boy,

never done an 'ard day's work in your life!

Spraying it about all around town,

but can't turn your hand to anything manual.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

One, I'm highly trained. I'm the best.

Then why haven't you finished the fucking job yet?

Two, I don't go fucking "spraying it around town".(SCOFFS)

Not any more, anyway.

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC) Not since er... Gina.

(SHEEP BLEAT IN DISTANCE) Is that the ex who battered the lads?

Fantastic woman, Jim.

Sounds like a total fucking nightmare.

Spirited...

Strong thighs...

Hey...

We've all had women who make us cry.

(THROUGH TEARS) Yeah.

Whether they break our hearts or run off...

..with our new and very fucking expensive milking equipment.

(SNIFFLES)Just... make sure you're finished by tonight.

When you said Tommo sounded weird on the phone... I don't know.

Well, what did he say?

He said he was at "The Lady" pub - where the map leads, apparently.

(GRUNTS)

Found any treasure yet, Tom? Treasure?

(LAUGHS HEARTILY, THEN COUGHS) No, no, no.

I'm looking for bones.

Yeah, she's er...

helped me realise what's going on. Obvious, when you think about it!

The garden of The Lady...

is bones. Sorry, who's this - Clara Marie?

No, you fucking idiot - the fucking ghost lady from the Rat and Cutter!

She hmm...

Oh! Gotta fill you, hadn't I?

I've had... a vision.

(SILKY, SING-SONG VOICE) Help me, Tommo...

Find me, Tommo...

(BLOODCURDLING SCREAM)

She wants me to put her flesh and her bones back together.

This was a dream? More of a sort of waking nightmare sort of situation, yeah.

Tommo, sorry, you haven't had any of that old acid, by any chance?

I did, because it were vintage, right?

But you promised Hans you wouldn't. How about we don't tell Hans that I've had it, then?

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Go on, then, how was it?

It was... piquant, yet... intense.

Yeah.

Anyway, she wants me to get her bones back,

otherwise she's gonna have to come and kill us all, so...

..better get on with it!

Bones? Bones!

(INTREPID MUSIC)

(GRUNTS) (SQUEAK)

(SQUEAK)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

Aww...

(Shit. Oh, fuck it...)

Vincent? All right, Davey?

I've been better. Hmm.

All right. (CLEARS THROAT)

Never did get to thank you properly for the funeral.

It was really very lovely... till it all went tits up.

Ah, it was my pleasure man. Honestly.

I mean, it wasn't a fucking pleasure, was it?

It was a shagging nightmare, but you know what I mean.

It's fine. I'm glad I could help.

Just a shame our Barry didn't get to see for himself just how loved he was.

Fucking did get to see, though.

That fucking lunatic! Jesus Christ.

I still can't believe he's gone. Mm.

Miss him terribly.

I fucking bet you do. I bet you do.

Look, you're not on your own, man.

You know, you've got your sister Donna. Donna's a cunt.

Right. Right, then.

I mean, that's fucking news to me, dude.

Do not fuck with her, Vincent.

I'm telling you this as a friend.

I'm glad I could help you with your brother's funeral,

but you're not a friend. I can't trust you after that Dylan fiasco.

What makes you so sure that I had anything to do with Dylan going missing?

I was extremely fond of Dylan.

Manolito has told me...

that he rescued him from the back of that fucking car boot!

And you believe him? Yes!

(TUTTING) How very naive of you, Vincent.

I've had a fucking text from Dylan himself!

I fucking know it was you, Davey.

(CAR HORN HONKS)

Do not fuck with her.

Fucking... Fuck's sake...

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

I hope you were trying to make him see sense

and not just poncing about.

Slowly, slowly, catchee monkey.

What the fuck does that mean?

I've got some intel... about the pretty one.

Still fucking here?

Heartbroken or not, I've fucking had enough of this!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Oh, yeah?

Oh, fuck...

If you got rid of them all,

why are you still in my fucking loft?

I like it up here. It stinks of rat piss!

You lot, you've... you've been so good to me.

You know, cleaning my house, and that, you know, and...

and our little chats. You mean me shouting at you?

It's been a long time since I've had this kind of connection with someone.

Hey, we do not have a connection!

And you know, my house, it's just..

It's too much, innit?

You know, it's noisy and it's chaotic and...

Well, up here in your little attic, I've...

..I've found peace.

I'm not ready to let it go just yet.

She really did a number on you, didn't she?

Hey, peace is up here.

What you need is some closure. Mm... Maybe...

..post a turd through her letterbox

and tell her how much of a whore she was for ruining your life!

I always hope one day that I'll, you know, win her back.

Maybe not the turd thing then, 'ey? I never stopped loving her, Jim.

It's her face I see in every single rat that I kill.

Don't tell her that, either.

(No.)Hey, the girls have probably cleared your house by now.

Yeah. You should go home.

Aye. Have a shower...

..and put a fucking shirt on...

..and see how you feel.

Come here.

♪ T REX: Cosmic Dancer

♪ I was dancing when I was 12

BFF, bro.

BFF.

♪ I was dancing when I was 12 ♪

Ha, ha! I knew it. I fucking knew it!

Bones! CLARA MARIE: You know nothing, you fucking idiot.

What's she doing here? We asked her to come.

She's got something to tell you about the map.

Whatever you think is going on, it isn't.

What I think is going on is,

I need to reunite this bit of flesh with these bones,

so the poor lost soul they belonged to won't wreak revenge from beyond the grave.

Obvious, in't it?

Well, if not, why have I found a load of bones here, then?

It's a pub garden - probably chicken bones from a barbecue.

No, no, no, no, no. That could be her foot bone, mate!

Ha, ha, ha! I'm doing it. I'm doing it.

No, no, no! Stop burying my map. Stop it! What do you mean, "your map"?

My map. Moira Plum was my lover.

Moira? What, the Rat Catcher's auntie?

(TOMMO PROTESTING)Why was she drawing nipples on maps for you?

She was my lover and my teacher.

We've all been there.

I used to have a fella came round and teach me maths - Mr Mackintosh.

He taught me a fair few more things than maths, I tell you that much!

No, not a schoolteacher!

She was a clairvoyant - my mentor.

That map was a gift for me...

..but we had a huge row and never spoke again so... (CHUCKLES)

Hang on. So your clairvoyant ex-lover...

drew you a map on human skin?

Yeah, we were always doing fun stuff like that.

It's esoteric, innit? I mean, it also a bit weird.

Parking all that, where's the treasure? Treasure?

"X marks the spot"? Coins, and all that?

No, that's not treasure!

The "X" marks Moira's favourite erogenous zone on my body.

You know, just inside the "lady garden". (GIGGLES)

Yeah, so the treasure she wanted me to find was my own...

you know... No, I don't know.

She means her G-spot, Cardi! Oh.

Give her that. Give me it.

I tell you what, Ashley, Cardi...

I'm just gonna say this and I'm gonna say it out loud, right?

If I go and do any drugs again, just stop me.

Just fucking stop me.

(CAR DOOR OPENS) Right. (SIGHS)

Thank you, Jim.

Don't you fucking dare tell them that I was nice to you.

Now fuck off! (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(ENGINE STARTS UP)

Sorry we didn't find the ring, Carol.

Ah, do you know what, Erin? Doesn't matter.

She would have been very proud of us now, with this deep clean. Yeah!

(FRONT DOOR OPENS) Shit... There he is.

(Come, come, come. Quick, quick, quick!)

Good deeds are repaid.Hmm... Here we go.

ALL: ♪ Ta-daa! ♪

(THEY GIGGLE) What the fuck!

Oh, my God!

Sweet Auntie Moira.

It's amazing.

(SNIFFS)

What's that smell? Citrus detergent.Fresh.

The smell of clean, innit? ALL: Mm-hm.

Bloody hell, I could get used to this.

(ALL CHUCKLE) How can I ever repay you? Ah, don't worry about it.

And after finding this box of cock rings, we're sorted.

I'm happy. I were looking everywhere for them the other day.

'Ere...

A fan sent me this years ago with a letter.

It meant a lot at the time.

(Bloody hell...)

You have it... as a "thank you".

(SOFTLY) Thank you. Thanks very much.

(Oh, my God, it's my granny's ring!) I know it is.

It's been on his hand the whole fucking time!

Oh, pardon fucking me for not inspecting the man's hands!

For fuck's sake, Carol. Oh, shut up, the pair of you. Ladies? Ladies...

Can we have a group hug?

OK....

Oh... Is that rat piss? Yeah.

Mmm, it's nice. Just breathe in.

(THEY INHALE, THEN COUGH) Bugger...

Thank the girls for me again, will you?

They didn't just clear my house, they cleared my head.

Mm!

A wise man once said that peace is up there, man.

Yeah, well, he's fucking right.

I think it also involves not having a shitload of crap in your house

driving you insane, do you know what I mean? Mm.

Good lad. One love, bruv.

'Ey, 'ey, 'ey, 'ey, 'ey. Listen.

I'm gonna be thinking about you.

Go on, get gone.

♪ JEFF BUCKLEY: Lover, You Should've Come Over

Fucking handsome!

(CLEARS THROAT)

♪ Looking out the door

♪ I see the rain

♪ Fall upon the funeral mourners

Curtis Plum.

I'm sorry, Gina... for everything.

They're real.

♪ Maybe I'm too young

♪ To keep good love from going wrong Wait.

Curtis...

♪ Too deaf, dumb and blind to see

♪ The damage I've done (MOANS PLEASURABLY) Oh, God!

♪ Sweet lover

Oh, fuckin' hell. Fuck me...

Oh! What? Get in... Fuck! Get in the house!

Christ, I wish I had a libido like that.

♪ Lover, lover, lover

♪ Lover, love, love

♪ Love, love, love, love, love

♪ Lo-o-o-o-over ♪ (TUTS)

(RINGING TONE)

AUTOMATED VOICE: "The person you are calling has..."

(ENDS CALL) Fuck!

For fuck's sake... (STARTS UP ENGINE)

CARDI: Yoda's had her caravan nicked. Shit!

Shocking business, this is!

I want to offer ten grand for its return.(WHISTLES)

He probably stashed all his fortune in it. That's what it is!

It's definitely the McGuigans. They must've hid it up behind that hill there.

♪ (MERRY SINGING) WOMAN: Bastard!

(COMMOTION) What the fuck?

(GROANS)

♪ SIR JOE QUARTERMAN: (I Got) So Much Trouble In My Mind

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ Give me the strength to carry on

♪ Give me the strength to carry on

♪ Cos everything I got is just about gone ♪

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