Original subtitles

'This programme contains very strong language from the outset

and throughout.'

I said not cheese and pickle. I just heard "Cheese and pickle."

Ashley, when ordering an item of cuisine, the word "not"

is a vital component. Why are you smiling?

It's the sandwich man. He's gorgeous. I got his number.

I'm looking at him. "A BLT and a cheese and pickle."

Ashley, I don't know him, never met him, don't know him from Adam.

But I can tell you now, that bloke who works in a scabby sandwich shop

on a fucking industrial estate is not gorgeous.

You're doing it again.Yeah. I'd surmise, that distraction

is why I've now ended up with a fucking cheese and pickle sandwich.

In't it? It would be, yeah. It would be. I'm having yours.

Ohh. Don't defy me, Ashley...

You are not having that...

Targets one o'clock.

Hello, gentlemen...

Myself and, oh... Marcus. Hello.

Er, myself and my colleague here, Mr Jennings,

are conducting a short survey to ascertain whether workers

might enjoy a, er, a cafe-cum-bar being erected here on site

for your refreshments, you know, your luncheon...

Luncheon. Post work.

Post work. It's only five questions, multiple choice.

Would you be so obliged to get on board with it?

I'm getting fucked, like you did, Marcus, and it's amazing.

You cheating fucking bastard.

Question one, quick fire. (PHONE RINGS)

Do you like Caffrey's, yes, no, maybe?

Hello? Tommo, it's Liz here, Sugar's mum.

What? I'm with a client.

Sorry, it's just that there's someone in here,

at the pub, looking for Thomas Shaftner

and it turns out that's you.

What's he look like? Is he big? Does he look dangerous?

No, he's young and he knows that you own The Rat and Cutter.

But don't worry, I didn't tell him that duck had sailed. (QUACKS)

(LAUGHS)

Anyway, he says he wants to talk to you about something important.

Well, that's annoyingly fucking vague, in't it?

If it helps, he's German.

German, young, I mean... That's literally nobody I know...

I tell you what, right... tell him I'll be back in an hour.

If it's important, he can wait, can't he?

Oi, dickheads, come on. Mop up, we're off.

Ashley!

♪ The best things in life are free

♪ But you can give them to the birds and bees...

Here he is. Oi.

Thomas, come here. What?

Listen to this shit. Hmm.

I'm buying a fucking Mine Sweeper. Cheap as chips. Bloody Mine Sweeper.

You know the bunker? Yeah. Gonna turn it into a weed grow.

Deal with it. I will. Deal with it. Ashley.

Brandy and coke, mate. Deal with it more.

I'll tell you what... You're a piece of work.

So... I hear you're looking for me. Thomas?

Ah, technically, yeah, Tommo. Hans Fischer. Oh, alright, yeah.

Oh, sorry, erm... I'm overwhelmed.

Right, yes, I have that effect on people.

You're a bit young for me, though.

So, er... what can I do you for?

Thomas... I know this will come as a shock to you...

Alright... But...

I'm your son.

(LAUGHS)

What? You're my father.

I've imagined this moment for so many years.Oh. OK, alright.

What's going on over there? Yeah, alright, there we go.

Who's that? He's a big handsome cunt.

He'll have nowt to do with him. Yes, very good.

I think you might be confused

because I can't help but noticing that you are a fully grown man.

And significantly German.... German, right, yeah.

As much as I'm a man of the world, I've never had any dalliances...

Veronica Fischer is my mother. Foreign exchange student, 2004.

See?

Oh... my God.

Mum says one time there was no condom and you said,

"Risk it for a biscuit."

Well, here I am - the biscuit.

He's got a fucking rucksack. Thinks he's staying at my house.

He wants you in his life, Tommo.

Why? What the fuck is he playing at? Yeah?

With his fucking surprise surprise Cilla Black

from Dusseldorf mission to find your dad.

Eh? He's your boy, Tommo - there's nothing more likely to cause

a fucked up adult than an absent father. Look around you.

Him, her, her, you, all totally and utterly fucked up.

Thanks, Carol. Do you want that for your boy, do you?

Well, ob... obviously not, Carol, but it's not ideal. Yeah, exactly.

So, you need to make a bond with him

and learn how to bring him into your life. We'll help,

but you cannot be shirking your responsibilities...

You should take him to Tinsley tonight.

Oh, great idea, Erin, yes, a regional pub hypnotist.

A lovely way to increase a family bonding.

Police, don't move! (LAUGHS)

Fucking Three-Eyed Pete. Dickhead. What?

Mine Sweeper, and I'll chuck in the megaphone for 20 quid.

Get in shagging pub! What would I need a bloody megaphone for?

Come here, you scruffy cunt. You're fucking late.

Better work that. I swear to fucking giddy Aunt. Get in here...

I want to know everything about you. There is so much to catch up on.

Tell me all, start to finish. Like what?

Are your parents still alive, my grandparents? Er, foster parents.

Er, Leo and Margaret. Over in Crossley Mere.

Perfectly nice people in their own way,

but, alas, their way is not my way, so we don't speak.

I would love to meet them.

Unless you're into Westerns or The Daily Mail,

there's very little to discover.

Oh, I love Westerns. Do you have any other children?

My brothers and sisters? Well, er... Not that I know of.

Wife, girlfriend? No, no, no, I am currently, as they say, celibataire.

Which is French for single. Like me.

You into all that then? Fitness game.

Oh, it's my life. Me and my friends at home,

we have the saying... Don't wish for it, work for it.

You probably got that from me... Yeah, I'm very driven,

more in a business sense than exercise. Go on, dig in.

But, er, you are looking at this region's premier entertainment guru.

I keep a modest home, obviously, but, er, most funds get folded

back into the empire, so, erm, mind them black bits.

Mum is good with money too, so I should have good genes.

Oh, yeah... She's a financial advisor - in Hanover.

"Han over your cash..."

No, no, that's, er...

that's actually what first attracted me to her, a very clever girl.

And of course - horny.

So..

At least you can say you were born of good sex.

Yes, a cowgirl as I remember.

Which should be of interest to you as a Western fan.

It's good to know.

Do you... like... pub hypnotists?

Show me that finger.

You know what that finger can do.

That finger is a magic finger...

You touch anyone here and they will fall into hypnosis...

OK, give it a whirl.

Come on, how about that?

German, is it? Right, Jim.

I'm not gonna start on him about the fucking war. Right, shush then!

It's not his fault his ancestors were all fucking Nazis.

Forgive and forget is what I say.

Well, not forgive. Or forget.

He alone who owns the youth gains the future.

Sorry. He's a... He's a mad cunt.

Fucking arsehole.

But what happens if you touch your own head with the finger?

Silly bugger's done it.

What are we gonna do now?

Not bad, is it? You should hire this guy, for one of your clubs.

I should, should absolutely, yeah.

What clubs are them, Tommo? You know which clubs those are, Erin.

Those are the many clubs, bars and dining establishments

which I own and manage, Right, on that note, I'm going for a piss.

I need a strapping man from the audience

to come up and help lift these poor hypnotised souls... Me.

He's handsome, yeah, come on. Come up.

Go on, Hans!

Wrong bathroom. Why fucking lie to him?

How am I lying to him, Erin?

Saying you're successful, run The Rat and Cutter.

Well, the last time I checked, I was quite successful.

More so than someone who let her dickhead brother...

Here we fucking go! Run off with McCann's money

and had to do a moonlight flit to fucking deepest darkest Wales.

You fucking wanker, you fucking wanker. He's your fucking son!

You're already fucking lying to him. I'm trying to impress him.

Aren't I, eh?

So telling a few white lies, about how high-flying his dad is,

he goes all warm and fuzzy inside and then in a few days,

he fucks off back to Frankfurt or wherever

and it's happily ever after for all of us, in't it? No.

You tell him the truth and you tell him what you are.

And what am I, Erin?

A dickhead with a fuck truck.

That is a mobile erotic parlour. Get your finger out of my fucking face.

And if you hadn't have thrown me out of my own club,

by now I would be Hawley's answer to Hugh fucking Hefner.

He's my son, Erin, and I'll tell him what he wants to hear.

Quack quack duck. Quack quack duck.

They are doing it!

How the fuck can he be mine? Quack quack duck.

Come on, you lot.

This is gonna blow your fucking mind, sweetheart.

I want to show you my club, right, because there's a feeling,

amongst some there this evening,

that I might have been misleading you about its current status...

It's closed, right? Yeah.

So... did it... fail? Fail?

Fucking hell, you're joking, aren't you?

No, this... this is what you might call a renovation project.

Hundreds of thousands of pounds of investor funding

are being funnelled into the place before you now.

Avanti.

Let me show you my vision.

I wouldn't touch that. Want hepatitis?

Fucking hell... A-hah! Voila.

So, as you can see, at present it's very much an empty shell

but - with a bit of vision - it will morph from this caterpillar

into a sexy butterfly of fun and debauchery.

You should make it a gig venue. Hmm.

The music from England, I've always loved it, Smiths, The Stone Roses...

Maybe cos Mum said you were from here, I've always been drawn to it.

Mani, from the Stone Roses, made me pick up a guitar for the first time.

Well, Three-Eyed Pete actually used to be his roadie, so...

Three-Eyed... Pete?

Three-Eyed Pete, he's a sort of friend.

I say friend, he's a pe-nis.

Is someone here? Shouldn't be, should they!

On my premises, unless it's the cleaner, so that might be the case.

We should look. Er... no. Yes. Yes. Yeah, alright.

Well, you stay here - I don't want you getting hurt, you know.

No way. I've only just found you. I'm not having you killed.

Just stay behind me.

Come on. This is my blue rooms, by the way,

for exclusive clientele and that.

It's nice.

Ahahargh.

Someone's sleeping here. No. No.

Let's go... Someone's sleeping here.

Get back cos I'm gonna deal wi' it.

Excuse... Excuse me, excuse me..

Wake up, we're not gonna hurt yer.

What the fuck are you doing in my club! Argh! Your, your club?

No, it used to be your club, Glen.

But now it's my club. Poor deluded bastard, he is a drinker.

My club, Tommo - ask Kenny Diamond. I'll tell you what, you go upstairs.

Get him a whisky. I do not need a whisky.

Right, the optics are open, he'll enjoy it. Won't you, love, eh?

It's fine, we'll sort this, eh? What are you staring at, sweetheart?

What the fuck's this Kenny Diamond shit? The council closed this down.

And now they're allowing it open again. Kenny greased palms.

He's the licensee and he's promised me the lease. You, you?

Glen Glenson is back, Tommo,

and all those who wrote him off can... Shut up, you fucking turd.

And I want your fucking keys back. Agh.

It's so sad, that boy's had to grow up, all his childhood,

not knowing his father. And when he finds him, it's fucking Tommo.

(BOTH LAUGH)

No, but, seriously, boys need their dads,

like if this little guy was to come out

and you weren't in his life, that'd break my heart.

You know he'd be fine.

What? Look, I'm just saying, right, if I wasn't in this boy's life,

wouldn't know the difference. No, in this podcast,

they were saying that evolutionary theory believes that babies

come out looking like their dad so the father takes responsibility

instead of pissing off and running away.

Yeah. You'd better not do that.

That hurt, actually. Oh, Jesus.

That even more. You.

Listen to me, if you don't look like me,

I am gonna piss off.

Don't tell him that, he might get upset.

He's in bloody amniotic fluid in the womb,

with no concept of language, you know.

(CLUB MUSIC)

This is Kenny. Leave a message.Kenny.

It's Tommo. We need to speak, mate.

Urgent.

'Good morning.' Give over.

It's got a repeat. 'Good morning.'

Glenson's back and he thinks he's opening that club.

I've got three words for him, Vin, over my dead, four, in't it, body.

Why are you here? You're meant to be bonding with your boy.

How? He's into fucking lifting weights and taking protein powder.

The mind boggles. How did you bond with Tyler when you found out?

He was seven when I found out, so it were easy.

We played crocodiles and fucking snuggling on t'couch.

I can't do that. 'Sky diving.'

You what?'Germans love sky diving. I watched a documentary about it.

They put on Lederhosen, drink beer and...'Put it down!

They drink beer and they do sky diving. Right, very good, Cardi.

Very good. I'll do that.

In Hawley on a Thursday afternoon! Look where the fuck we are!

Your boy, he's into sport, yeah? Yeah, sadly.

I've got just the thing. I have recently obtained

exclusive membership to the extremely hard to join...

Northern Lawn Tennis. How the fuck did you get that?

Know what they say when you walk in?

'Good morning.'I fucking swear. Oh, fuck off. Fucking therapy session.

Sweep for mines. Don't let anyone end up like sewn together Barry.

'Good morning.'

(TICKING)

Would you... It's a big clock that, innit?

Do you know what you call a clever clock?

Clockwise.

Would you like to tell me

about what's brought you here today, Vincent?

Well, it's my fucking head, innit? That's why I'm here.

Do you collect feathers, you?

I bet I know every one of these fucking birds, here.

Christ...

Is that expensive? It is.

Looks expensive. Fuck, it'd do me a lot of good that.

I bet you wouldn't even know it were gone.

I might. It's my grandmother's.

I don't believe you.

My dad's a pisshead, my mum didn't want me when I were little,

I found her recently and she still don't fucking want me. So...

Yeah, I guess that's it, really.

That's just the end of that story, is it?

For fuck's sake. Me... (TUTS)

Dad didn't know how to be a Dad. Mum didn't know how to be a mum.

They had me too young, they fucked up. And they fucked me up.

I've got bipolar. I can't keep hold of my friends... the girl I adore,

I can't be with, cos I'm just not good enough.

Everyone I've ever cared about just...

they have to leave me in the end.

Everything's changing. I just...

I want it to go back to the way it was, that's all,

even if it was all just a pile of shite.

That sounds like a lot. Mm.

Sign off? Ticked your box.

Blame it all on my mum and dad, and feel like you've earned your money

and I get to go home and feel like a fucking piece of shit.

You seem to be telling me like it's my fault.

No, I'm fucking, I'm painting you a picture, aren't I?

That's what I'm doing! We've had different lives, you and me!

You're arranging birds' nests, I'm growing weed,

trying to not get my dick cut off.

Right. It sounds like you think you can read me very well.

What makes you think that I don't have the capacity to understand?

What makes you think I've always come

from this wonderful background?

Can I ask you who you're angry with when you say all this?

At the moment, you're angry with me.

But it isn't me who's made things the way they are.

Everything you've told me, all your feelings are valid,

but your anger, your sadness, need directing in the right places.

We need to decipher between what's your illness

and what's a genuine crisis.

The experiences would bring anyone to their knees.

So it's no wonder to me you struggle the way you do.

And just to say, Vincent, you don't have to get better today.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm here for you. That's the deal.

So, maybe you can leave the snuff box that's in your pocket

and steal it next time if that's more convenient.

MUSIC: "Golden Retriever" by Super Furry Animals

Yours!

♪ Hey said the devil

♪ When I met her at the roundabout

♪ She's got powers

♪ Magnetic devours you of everything you've got

♪ She's a golden retriever

♪ Retrieves your oldest coin

♪ Leads you blindly down every dark alley

♪ Then she'll...

Hello, boys.

Daphne. Magenta.

Should have known you'd be members.

And, er, who's this? I'm Thomas' son.

Whose? Tommo.

It's me fucking name. Jesus Christ, Daffne.

Can you not see the family likeness? He's German.

He's... he is German, yes. Very good, Magenta.

Yeah, grade A student, very sharp.

Well... Guten Morgen. Guten Tag, Madame.

Wie geht es dir? I am doing very well.

Wo ist das Rathaus?

You know that means "Where is the town hall?"

(GIGGLES) I'm Daffne. Hans.

Charmed, I'm sure. You're fucking not charmed, love.

Daffne, do not flirt with my fucking progeny. It's beyond obscene.

We're retiring to the Deuce Bar for Pimm's,

if anybody fancies joining us - Great, I love to meet Dad's friends.

Well... Magenta.

Fuck sake. What's Pimm's?

You need a semi-Western grip.

If you drop the racquet on the ground, bend down and pick it up.

OK. Strings facing to the ground.

Argh! Saw her knickers...

Like holding a frying pan...

No, he's reciprocating. Don't fucking reciprocate, lad.

And continue your natural swing, like this... What the fuck?

Yeah. She's definitely keen on him, mate.

She can be keen. She's old enough to be his gran.

Peachy. Also, he shall not jizz where his father hath jizzed.

It's practically incest, in't it?

If he's gonna jizz on anyone, Magenta.

She's like 12, man. She's 16, Cardi. I'm 15.

You're 15, love? Well done. Are yer?

Grip the racquet...

Fuck this. Right, right, drink up, we're going.

Are you insane? I'm not leaving, look at this place.

All these are on Mrs Bishop's tab. Alright, fine.

Fine... Stay. Yeah, have fun.

Hans. (PHONE RINGS)

Hang on. Hang on. It's Kenny Diamond! Kenny Diamond?

Kenny Diamond. Kenny Diamond.

Kenny. Kenny. (LAUGHS)

Kenneth... Tommo.

Vincent says you wanna speak with me.

Correct, Kenny, correct, er, it is about the future ownership

of The Rat and Cutter. Have you signed anything with Glen Glenson?

Nothing official. We have a, a gentleman's agreement.

Alright, OK, ah, well, listen, I'm a gentleman, you're a gentleman.

Right? So how would you like to meet up,

to discuss a better gentleman's agreement.

Go back on my word? Is that what you're asking me? Yeah.

Crow's Nest, 30 minutes. Thank you, Kenny, very good. Right.

Gotta go. Hans. Oh, no, Tommo.

Let him stay here with me, I won't bite.

No, he's coming with his dad. I'm fine, I'm having fun.

Honestly, I'll just come back with the others.

Don't you leave her with him. Roger that.

Tommo. Kenneth. Have a seat.

Thank you.

Management lease, two years minimum.

Glen's offered 20 grand but as a favour to you

I'll allow you to outbid him.

I want an offer in excess of 20

otherwise I give this back to Glenson.

Right, Kenny, I am a man, as you know,

with a great many financial commitments.

And consequently liquidity is not always... fluid.

When do you need the money? By Friday.

By Friday? By Friday.

Friday it is then. (LAUGHS)

Ha-ha!

Vinnie? Vin. Erin?! Hiya, where's Vinnie?

In the back room... with Manolito. Very good.

Why? Oh, it's fine.

Vinnie, Vinnie... Vinnie, I... Thomas.Hello.

I love the war room, perfect new business HQ. Inspired.

Hey, we make a good team, huh, you, me... Hey.Vincent.

Shame your, er, best friend couldn't be here.

I think he like this... He's not even texted me back yet.

Bastard. I think he doesn't want to be found,

the MacDonaghs come after him again, safer that way.

Which reminds me, now Davey is back, you do not tell the MacDonaghs

it was me who rescued your friend from the car. Best this way.

Vinnie. Sorry. I need over 20 grand, to buy back The Rat and Cutter.

Listen to you. Throwing it out. "I need 20 grand."

Not happening. We're doing a weed grow this year,

not spending money on a fucking club

so you can wreck it again... Thank you very much.

Blaming me for the loss of my own club,

which I'm still grieving by the way.

Not all men are cut out for greatness, Thomas.

Where can a man take a leak? A bucket in the listening room.

A red one, round there. For weeing in.

We've just moved in, ain't we, you know what I mean. Sort it out.

Listen... I need to show him myself in my former glory,

proprietor of Hawley's premier entertainment venue.

But you're not, Tom.

You're not this man that you keep pretending to be.

Look at the state you're in!

There is shit in bucket.

It's Carol! God's sake!

Hey, hey, where is he? Who?

Fuck sake!

Where's your mum, eh? She went home.

Where's my lad, then? Went with her.

Why are you here if she's gone? I have a match at four. Match at four.

Right, right. Do you know what, right,

I feel fucking sorry for you, growing up with that woman

as a role model, eh? Loose morals.

Dickheads!

What?! Tommo.

Daffne? Daffne!

Open this fucking door, right now.

Daffne, Daffne.

Daffne. Daffne.

I swear to God...

You're a liar. You're not a businessman.No. No.

You own a dungeon and a fuck truck. Listen to me.

I don't want a dad who's a selfish liar!

Hans, I...

It's a mobile erotic parlour.

Fuck you. Hello.

Nice one, yeah.

I'm trying to make him proud of me!

Thank you very much.

MUSIC: "Train Song" by Vashti Bunyan

♪ Travelling north, travelling north to find you

♪ Train wheels beating, the wind in my eyes

♪ Don't even know what I'll say when I find you

♪ Call out your name, love, don't be surprised

♪ It's so many miles and so long since I've met you

♪ Don't even know what I'll find when I get to you

♪ But suddenly now, I know where I belong

♪ It's many hundred miles... Shit.

♪ And it won't be long

♪ Nothing at all in my head to say to you

♪ Only the beat of the train I'm on

♪ Nothing I've learnt all my life on the way to you

♪ One day our love... ♪

When did you last see them? 15 years ago?

Why you sweating? Are you nervous to see them?

I'm warm, aren't I, Cardi.

I'm wearing nonbreathable fabrics. Fuck me.

Looks exactly the same. Wagon wheel, that's handy.

Don't jangle the danglers.

Right. Here's the plan, we go in, retrieve the boy child,

then fuck the fuck out of this place to the local hostelry

and we'll smooth over this mess.

(DOORBELL) Oh, and, er, be warned. Leo, he's a bit of a close talker.

What's a close talker?

Tommy. Leo.

You can call me Dad, you know.

You're looking... looking well. And this is, er...? Ashley.

Ashley. Hmm. Nice work shirt.

Thanks, it's sustainable, 100% biodegradable, the eco choice.

That's Cardi. Nice to meet you, D-D-Dad.

"Cardi," what's that short for? It's short for Leslie Titt.

This is turning into quite the day. Is he in there then?

He certainly is, yes, you'd better come inside.

Margaret, it's our Tommy.

Better come inside. (LAUGHS)

JJ. You alright?

Hey. What are you holding?

This is our child. Jesus.

And she looks nothing like you.

Are you leaving...? Have you lost your mind?

And why the fuck have you wrapped it in a bloody blanket, Sugar.

This is your baby, JJ.OK, well, it's very white and ginger.

(SPEAKS MANDARIN) And Chinese.

Daddy was a mechanic, before he left.

He was into fish and very boring podcasts. I am doing this...

Woah.

Hey, listen, come here.

Now, there's only one thing that would ever drive me

out of your life, right,

and that is pretending to be a dad to a fucking carrot top doll, Sugar.

OK. Yeah.

Do you want a greasy kiss? Yeah.

(CRIES OUT) (LAUGHS)

Er, Rooster Cogburn, sequel to True Grit, not a classic,

but it stars Katharine Hepburn. So worth checking out. No. No. No.

Clearly wrong, that's red and that's blue.

We thought it was a prank when Hans arrived at the door, didn't we?

I said to Leo, this is a prank.

And he said, "Prank, no way, Margaret, he's our grandson,

I can feel it, inside."

Are you happy to be grandparents? No, technically, though...

Oh, yes, never thought we'd see the day, did we, Leo?

Never thought we'd see the day. And such a strapping lad.

Not like Tommy. He was a sickly youth.

Always had problems, with his... Not there.

Problems with his? Pardon?

You said he always had problems with his... With his -No. No. No.

Wrong shape. Oh, sorry now. And such a lovely looking boy.

You know, you can't mind that he's German when he has a face like that.

As the big man says, "A horse is a horse,

it ain't make a difference what colour it is."

Right. I'm going for a whazz.

Is it still in the same place?

Yeah, course it fucking is.

Do you not like Germans then?

MUSIC: Cowboys Ain't Easy To Love by Chris LeDoux

(SNIFFING)

(SNIFFS)

(SONG CONTINUES, DISTORTED)

Alright? Alright?

How are you?

Better than you, by the looks of things.

You high? Off my tits, mate, yeah.

You're getting blasted in your foster parents' house.

Leo won't approve of that, will he?

Long way past caring what Leo thinks.

If I ever did...

Did I? No, not really.

How've I ended up like this, eh?

What, what, what was, erm...

what were going through me head, when I was you?

You couldn't really understand normality,

them lot downstairs, anyone, really.

They seemed to have loads and loads of pointless rules... Yeah.

They do. Everyone's so worried about what everyone else thinks,

like it matters anyway. I mean, that's fucking right.

Get married, lock themselves to one other person,

trap themselves in a little house, job they hate,

and all in the name of security and respectability.

Yes, fucking spontaneity out the window,

have to ask permission to go for a pint with their mates at the pub,

can't stay out too late because the alarm goes off at seven.

Daren't even look at another woman, or man,

because I've got this ring on your finger,

like a fucking sheep in a field, branded,

letting all the world know I'm taken. Don't even look at me

because I've committed myself by the rules of the land

to a lifetime of, at best, mediocre sex.

I was right. We, we were right.

Yeah, and now it's those same people, the same teachers, doctors,

businessmen, in their fucking suits and shirts and what have you.

They're the ones paying for my services, and why?

Because ever since Adam and Eve

traipsed into the fucking Garden of Eden,

human beings have wanted their bits playing with

and that will never change. Exactly.

Everything I thought, when I was you, was right.

Yeah. Go on.

Off You fuck. Alright.

Oh, and, er...

just a bit of advice, if anyone asks you to engage in Spicy Gringo,

just, er, just refuse, it's too much.

MUSIC: "Disco 2000" by Pulp

FYI, John Wayne were a racist and a homophobe.

Sit down, Leonard.

Oi, you. Pub, now.

You can't tell me what to do. This is your father speaking.

Pub.

(PHONE RINGS) Hello.

Vinnie... have you thought any more after our little bathroom chat?

Look, Donna... We're being very tolerant.

But our patience is wearing thin.

Where's Dylan, Donna?

I've told you, we're nothing to do with Dylan.

Right. And I've told you

that I can only be in business with people that I trust. Alright?

I don't really drink. Shut the fuck up and get it down yer.

Right. First things first, did you fuck her?

Who? Who do you think I mean? My fucking elderly foster mum?

Mrs Bishop? Mrs Bishop, yes.

The lovely Daffne. No.

No?

Right, I were expecting something different.

Why? I don't know...

She got my trousers off and she really wanted to...

When it came to it... I... I didn't want her to be my first.

Yeah. Wh... wh... what? What?

You mean you...? Yes. I'm saving myself.

Right, well, yes, OK, so fine.

Why? I want the first time to be special.

Hmm. Wow, your mamma's brought you up with some funny ideas.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm sorry I lied.

Right, strictly speaking none of it was untrue.

There were just some, y'know, significant omissions.

But why? Why? Hans, you came fucking waltzing into my life,

saying where's my dad, obviously in a... in a German accent.

You wanna know about my life...

Right, well, I'll tell you about my life, right.

Picture the scene. Born to two shitty parents

that didn't give a crap about me. Er, not one, but two broken arms

by the time social services took me away

at the grand old age of 12 months, ladies and gentlemen.

Shunted about from one care home to the next,

with a load of other kids who no-one gave a shit about.

Leo and Margaret were the first people who ever cared about me...

and, er, boring as they were, fuck me,

I didn't want their life, Jesus Christ,

this fucking claustrophobic little box.

I couldn't understand how they were happy

but bless 'em, they wanted what was best for me.

So... I got out.

Not very far, obviously, but, er, but the way I live my life,

it... it could be a million miles away from all that, couldn't it?

What I do is a public service.

You know, the world, Hans... is so fucking repressed, right,

and people, they have kinks, desires,

these perversions, these fucking dreams.

Right, and, and, and they push 'em so far down inside,

and that's why they come to me.

They come to me and the fantasies burst out

and for an hour of their miserable fucking lives

they're in ecstasy.

Sometimes also on ecstasy.

You... you... you seem like a good lad... I don't feel things

like how other people do... maybe, you know, like love.

Maybe I love you, maybe that's what...

maybe that's what that is. Maybe, yeah, yeah, I do.

I mean... yes, I... I... I love you.

And then that's why I lied.

Listen, I am who I am, I'm not ashamed of it,

but if you don't like it, you're very welcome to pack up your things

and head back to Deutschland

and we'll say no more about it.

I would like to see them,

the dungeon, your fuck truck.

I want you to tell me everything about you.

Over another pint.

I mean, drink that one first, fucking hell.

So, what's the truth about The Rat and Cutter?

The truth about The Rat and Cutter is, right,

I ran it and it were a fucking roaring success.

But, er, alas, paperwork is not my forte

and, er, in a petty act of revenge a certain detective, Carl Slater...

Carl Slater bums dogs? Fuck me. How do you know that?

(BARKING)

It were his nan's poodle actually.

Well, he shut us down. And, er, in so doing he toppled my empire.

So who was the guy sleeping there? That's a, a long story.

But the short version is that, er...

I'm now 21 grand shy of being reinstated as the owner

of Hawley's premier entertainment venue.

You need 21 grand. Mm. By Friday.

By Friday? (WHISTLES)

That's a lot of money. I know, you don't have to rub it in.

Peter.

Yeah? What the... are you not up?

What if I am? I'm not with a hooker.

Look, we need a favour. Favour? What favour?

Put some clothes on.

You're about to do a nice thing for another human being.

You look like shit. Get gone. Go on. Get out of it. Go on then.

This is it, Mani's house.

Wow, he's probably got gold records in there.

The guitars he played Made Of Stone on.

Oh, yeah. Original artwork from album covers.

Hans, that's not even the best bit.

The best bit is that our friend Peter of the Third Eye,

over here, yeah, he's not only their ex-roadie.

No, no, no he also happens to be a close personal friend, yeah.

Of The Stone Roses, and so for a small remuneration,

he is going to introduce you, son, to your guitar hero.

How's that? What, today? Right now.Noooo.

Right now.Nooo.Yes! (TOOTS HORN)

Avanti.

Ooh, here we go. You alright, love?

Go on then. Alright, yeah. Is Mani around, please?

You remember Three-Eye'd Pete the roadie.

You're the cunt that stole lan's jacket.

No, hang on a minute, that's a false allegation.

Fucking allegation, is it? Here y'are...

If it's false, how come we've seen it for sale on eBay?

You're barking up the wrong... Listen, you better fucking...

Sling it. And you lot fucking do one.

Mani. Mani. Mani, before we go... What?

Hans. Mani. Mani. Hans. Hans. Huge fan.

You German? Yes. Oh, my fucking giddy aunt.

The worst gig I ever played was Munich '99. What a bag of shit.

Sling your fucking hook. Come on, lovey.

Twats!

That was the best surprise ever.

And now, I have a surprise for you.

Come on.

OK, let him see.

Ta-da.

It's all yours.

What? How? Mum set up a trust fund for me

when I was born and it matured when I turned 18.

Fifty-five thousand euros.

So, after you told me about Kenny Diamond... By Friday.

I went to see him.

I want a three-year contract, signed and official.

By Friday. By Friday? By Friday.

My lad... why'd you do something like that for me, eh?

Because you're my dad.

I want you to do two things for me.

One, apologise to Leo and Margaret.

It might be OK to let them in just a little.

And second, promise me you'll sort out your drug habit.

I need you to be around for a long time.

(LAUGHS) Drug habit?

He thinks I've got a drug habit this one.Dude. You have.

I mean, Christ.

Alright. Alright, yeah, I swear...

(TEXT ALERT)

MUSIC: "Spread Your Love" by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

(SIREN)

(BARKING)

♪ Spread your love like a fever

♪ And don't you ever come down

♪ Spread your love like a fever

♪ And don't you ever come down

♪ I spread my love like a fever... ♪

Jehan Jevani.

I'm arresting you for possession with intent to supply.

You do not need to say anything but it may harm your defence...

Her dad's just fucking died.

He wanted me to have the flat?

He owed a lot of people money.

It's so weird being back here. (CHEERING)

(KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh, that's not a good knock.

We're the bailiffs. Ten grand by tomorrow.

How are we gonna find ten grand tomorrow?

I am gonna get you, Erin Croft.

Oi! Shit! Run! Run!

(SCREAMS)

MUSIC: "(I Got) So Much Trouble In My Mind" by Sir Joe Quarterman

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ Give me the strength to carry on

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪

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