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'This programme contains
very strong language
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00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:07,200
from the outset and throughout.'
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00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:14,040
(SINGS QUIETLY TO HIMSELF)
4
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:26,320
Oi!
5
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:30,360
Little Lord Fauntleroy!
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Oi! Shirley Temple!
(DETECTOR HUMS)
7
00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:34,720
Oh, no, you don't!
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00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:36,280
These are BRITISH fields
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00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:40,280
and whatever's found on British
fields, stays in British hands.
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What?
I said,
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00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:45,400
what the fuck are you doing
scavenging on my field?!
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YOUR field?
Correction - this is no man's land.
13
00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:52,240
This is the unoccupied buffer
between our two fiefdoms.
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00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,120
Talk fucking normal!
15
00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:56,360
I'm just as entitled
to be on here as you.
16
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:57,880
And I'm not scavenging.
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00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:01,120
I'm looking for irreplaceable items
that have been stolen,
18
00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:03,880
in the dead of night, from my house.
19
00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:06,400
Oh, yeah. What items?
Never mind what items.
20
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:09,040
But the perpetrators
made their way across here,
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00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:12,440
and the beady eye of suspicion
points to your thieving friends.
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00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:16,280
Hey, that's fucking libel!
That's fucking slander...
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00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:19,120
I don't know what it fucking is
but it's something.
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00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,880
Imaginary line
right down the middle.
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00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:23,720
My half, your half.
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00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:25,720
Now fuck right off.
27
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,760
Well, I'm warning you -
so pass it on -
28
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,400
I'm going high tech, low tech,
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00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:31,760
and every fucking tech
in between over there.
30
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,120
It's gonna be like Alcatraz,
Fort Knox...
31
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,280
Bold Lane car park.
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00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:38,400
(DETECTOR BEEPS)
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00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:41,280
Ah, probably an old fucking tin can.
34
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:45,720
Hey. Hey.
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00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:50,000
This is still my land, so whatever
you find there is fucking mine!
36
00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:52,880
♪ The best things in life
are free...
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00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:55,440
Tom! You're being
fucking unreasonable.
38
00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:57,480
I'm not being unreasonable, right?
39
00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,880
I am the proprietor of Hawley's
premiere mobile erotic parlour -
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00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,200
Fuck truck.
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00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:05,840
Yeah... And as such...
I cannot be sharing
42
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:09,400
me storage-cum-office space with
my one-time co-assistant manager.
43
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,640
Excuse me! I'm trying to set up
a business for us, Tom, right?
44
00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:15,160
I need a proper desk.
Have you been downstairs, Erin?
45
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:16,760
Yeah.
It's a pub. It's full of 'em.
46
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:18,880
I can't run a business
off a sticky pub table!
47
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:22,400
May I introduce you to your friend
and mine, the humble wet wipe.
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00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,800
You are fucking sharing.
49
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,280
(PHONE RINGS)
(LAUGHS)
50
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,840
Oh! What do you want, Jimbo?
51
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,000
♪ DOVES: Black And White Town
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00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,120
(SINISTER MUSIC)
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00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:49,160
JIM: Hey, where do you think
it leads?
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00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:50,680
Yes, it's quite curious.
55
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:53,520
Maybe it leads UNDERGROUND,
you fucking lemon.
56
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:56,920
Well, obviously it leads
underground, but THEN where?
57
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,400
All right, come on, then.
Let's fucking see.
58
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,480
Right, here we go. Are we ready?
Yes. Come on.
59
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:06,600
Oh, yeah!
60
00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:09,160
Well, whatever it is,
it's been here for decades.
61
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,280
Hey. Maybe it's Roman.
It's not Roman!
62
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:13,920
It's not Roman, you plum.
It's a fucking padlock on it.
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00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,840
Heave it up.
(ALL GROAN WITH EFFORT)
64
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,240
(HINGES SQUEAK)
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00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:20,880
Oh, my giddy aunt's vagina!
66
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:23,680
Fuck dude, it's super big down here.
67
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:25,720
Come on, Shirley, come on, lad.
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00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,680
Hey, this goes right under my field.
SHIRLEY: It's in MY field.
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00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,640
ERIN: There's a light switch.
(DISAPPOINTED GROANS)
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00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:33,960
Come on, then.
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00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,600
SHIRLEY: I'm getting a vision
of a large circular table
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00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,400
and still seated,
six human skeletons.
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00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:40,640
Shut up.
ERIN: Stinks.
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00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,880
Come on, Jimbo.
Here we go. Here we go.
75
00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:44,480
Ready?
76
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,040
ERIN: Right, be careful.
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00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:49,000
(HINGES SQUEAK)
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00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:50,880
Yeah... Wow.
Easy, easy.
79
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,920
(FUNNY VOICE) Hello!
Fucking hell!
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00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,880
Me fucking heart! Bastard!
You could have fucking killed him.
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00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,200
Could've killed him,
but sadly he's still standing.
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00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:00,960
Fucking hell.
Ah.
83
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,960
What the fuck?
84
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,200
Are you joking me?
Are you twisting my fucking melon?
85
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:09,080
It's incredible.
ERIN: It's quite damp, isn't it?
86
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,200
(ERIN GASPS)
Oh, dude look at it!
87
00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:12,960
No way!
(VINNIE LAUGHS)
88
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,200
There's a fucking tea cups
and a teapot!
89
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:17,280
Jeez. Oh, my fucking God.
Oh, my God.
90
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,960
I'm telling you now, this is
a fucking war bunker, in't it?
91
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,960
It's from the Second World War
or summat.
92
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,960
Cables and wires run
all the way through here, yeah?
93
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:29,160
So, surely we could get fucking
leccy down here again, couldn't we?
94
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,000
Potentially, yeah.
Well, actually, in that case...
95
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:36,560
congratulations, Erin, we might
have just found... your new office.
96
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,240
How's about that?
Fuck right off.
97
00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:41,240
No, I mean fucking weed grow,
you dick ends, don't I?
98
00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:42,520
Oh.
Weed grow?
99
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,720
Look at it.
It's bloody perfecto, in't it?
100
00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,640
No-one's ever gonna find
this fucking place. Not one fold.
101
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:49,840
Never mind
your nefarious activities.
102
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,160
This is heritage, history -
Activities...
103
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,360
That is a good idea, Vin,
and as your new landlord,
104
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,840
I'll be wanting six months rent
in advance.
105
00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:59,360
Is that what you'd like?
Yes.
106
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,920
I'll give it you now, you gobshite.
Ah, you bastard!
107
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,840
This is MY land.
108
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,360
It's MY land!
109
00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:08,520
I can't fucking believe it.
I swear to God,
110
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,040
I've wanted to find summat like that
since I was a little lad.
111
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,640
I can't believe... a fucking bunker.
112
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,360
Shit.
Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie.
113
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:16,600
Who the hell are they?
114
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,560
Those are our old friends
the MacDonaghs.
115
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,400
Make sure they don't fucking see it.
Keep it out of sight.
116
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,760
Hello, Thomas... other people.
117
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:27,440
What the fuck do you two want?
118
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:30,200
That's not a very nice welcome,
is it, after all this time?
119
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:32,480
I've been away, Vincent,
having surgery.
120
00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:34,360
Oh, nothing minor, we hope.
121
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:39,480
I've had a testicle removed -
my left one - most undignified,
122
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,160
but they replaced it
with a marvellous artificial one.
123
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,320
You can barely feel the difference.
Nice.
124
00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:45,720
And now we're back.
125
00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:48,640
And I'm looking to reignite
our business relations.
126
00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:51,120
Nothing to do with Manolito.
No. No way.
127
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:54,000
We're not working with you again.
Why not, pretty cheeks?
128
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,640
I tell you why, cos since Dylan
went fucking missing,
129
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:59,480
we vowed we wanted nothing more
to do with you and we meant it.
130
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:01,640
And I told you,
after Dylan went missing,
131
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,120
that Barry and I
know nothing about it.
132
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:05,680
I'm rather fond of Dylan...
133
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,000
and despite our differences,
I wish him no harm.
134
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,640
Well, you're a sweetheart, but
the answer's still a very firm no!
135
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,280
She said you'd say that.
Who the fuck's "she"?
136
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:14,840
Our sister, Donna.
137
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:16,200
Donna MacDonagh?
138
00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:20,000
During my absence, she's got more
involved in the family business.
139
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:23,280
And she requests a quiet word
with you, Vincent, in person.
140
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:25,440
Sound.
All right, well, do us a solid.
141
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:28,600
You go and tell your Donna
to stick a quiet word up her arse.
142
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,800
Hey, hey! Baz, Baz!
Leave him, Bazzy!
143
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:33,720
(EXPLOSION BOOMS)
144
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,760
(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)
145
00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:41,120
(MUFFLED GROANS AND SCREAMS)
146
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,200
Wow!
JIM: Fucking hell!
147
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:53,680
Argh!
148
00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:55,240
(ERIN GROANS)
149
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:57,360
Barry?
150
00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:00,080
No, no, no, no.
Barry?! Where's me Barry?
151
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,960
JIM: No-one knew it was there.
Unexploded mine.
152
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,120
What are the chances?
153
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,640
It was an unused field.
A buffer between our fiefdoms.
154
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:16,360
Not really owned by anyone,
especially not me.
155
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:18,280
Or me.
Stop waffling!
156
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,280
My brother's dead...
157
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:23,480
..in five fucking pieces.
158
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,160
Six.
Oh.
159
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,600
Just being accurate.
What's wrong with you?
160
00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,520
Davey, listen to me, man.
161
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,920
I'm gonna be honest with you
when I say this.
162
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,240
There have been times
over the last few months,
163
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:38,800
I have wished harm on you
and your brother Baz.
164
00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,920
And I fucking mean that,
but I swear to God,
165
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:45,040
nobody would ever want
summat like this, man.
166
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,680
It's fucked. It's awful, mate.
167
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:50,320
Well, thank you,
for those kind words, Vincent.
168
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:51,720
I mean it.
169
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,680
Donna's not gonna be too happy
with this.
170
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:57,800
Fuck, no.
She'll rightly want to find blame.
171
00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:00,160
Fucking hell "blame"!
Hang fire a minute.
172
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:01,760
Davey, listen to me.
173
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,880
You saw what went down
on that field today.
174
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:06,160
I ran in the same direction
as Barry.
175
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,080
I jumped right over
the fucking thing.
176
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:11,840
It could have easily have been me
that was in... five pieces.
177
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:14,360
Again... six.
Oh, for fuck sake.
178
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,960
Why do you keep doing that?
It just feels important.
179
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:22,080
We know a very good undertaker who
will give Barry a lovely funeral.
180
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:23,600
We do.
We do and, you know,
181
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,640
now is not the time
to be finding blame.
182
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,560
Certainly not.
It's just, such a sad, terrible...
183
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,600
It is sad.
Horrible... horrible...
184
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,520
Accident.
..accident that's happened.
185
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:34,280
It's... awful.
Awful.
186
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,296
When we were children, Barry used
to massage my shoulders in the bath.
187
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,880
Aww. That's nice.
Brotherly love.
188
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,360
I'd place a wet flannel
over my face,
189
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,400
pretend I was in a Swedish sauna.
190
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:51,080
He'd do the accent, too, sometimes.
Would he?
191
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,360
Sometimes we'd be in there
for hours...
192
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,760
splashing about... windows steamy.
193
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,040
All right, mate.
Barry's big hands.
194
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:02,440
Sweat...
195
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:07,040
..dripping.
Right. He's in shock.
196
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,240
He's in shock with it all.
He is.
197
00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,920
Drinks are on the house!
198
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,080
Barry MacDonagh's dead!
What?
199
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:21,880
He's dead!
200
00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:24,040
Barry MacDonagh's dead!
201
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,320
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
202
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,560
Which one's Barry again?
203
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,560
(GROANS)
Put this down, dude.
204
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:38,320
Oh, fuck me, dude.
This fucking... Eurgh!
205
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,400
Fucking torso, for fuck's sake.
206
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,200
Full torso!
PARTIAL torso.
207
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,080
I need to wash me hands.
I feel gross.
208
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:47,680
Why do you have to be
so fucking pedantic? Gary!
209
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:51,280
♪ BACH: Toccata And Fugue in D Minor
Oh, what the fuck is this?
210
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,840
What are you even doing here?
211
00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:55,840
I'm Gary's new assistant.
Learning the ropes.
212
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:57,280
Found him on Insta.
213
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,080
How the fuck have you ended up...
214
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,920
That's bloody bridezilla -
215
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,440
the lunatic who got married
to one of JJ's cousins.
216
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,360
Do you remember?
I'm getting married in three days
217
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,960
and I don't need this
kind of fucking stress!
218
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,400
Yeah, well it didn't last -
the money-squandering,
219
00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,800
limp-dicked twat went to retrain
as a Reiki therapist.
220
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,440
I think he might've dodged a bullet,
to be honest, Satan.
221
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,880
Where the fuck is Gary?
'No, we don't bury gangsters.'
222
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,920
That is just nonsense. You do!
223
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,800
You buried Pretty Boy Patel.
224
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,440
'He was a friend of my aunt.'
225
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:27,400
And Colin Callawalla.
Good memory.
226
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,720
'He was a minor criminal,
mostly extortion.
227
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,440
Have you reported the death yet?'
No.Yes.
228
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:36,320
I didn't want the cops
snooping around, pointing blame.
229
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,920
'No, listen. You need
a death certificate from a doctor.'
230
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:42,440
Dude, I'll fucking get you one.
I'll get you one off Christoph.
231
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:44,160
Listen, I need fucking help here.
232
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:47,520
These fuckers, they're the reason
Dyldo's gone missing, right?
233
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:50,080
I mean, Davey's unhinged
at the best of fucking times,
234
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:51,360
you know full well.
235
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,440
And now he's lost his brother,
he's capable of...
236
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,080
Jesus Christ,
he's capable of anything, in't he?
237
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,600
'Fine, fine, fine!
238
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:02,080
But I'm in Vegas until next
Thursday, so get Meena to do it.'
239
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,960
Are yer? What you doing there?
240
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,880
'It's none of your business
what I'm doing.
241
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,840
But if you must know,
I'm at an embalming expo...
242
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,640
..and golfing weekend.'
The mind boggles, honestly.
243
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,760
Hey, Gary, does your laptop do this?
244
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,760
(LAPTOP BLEEPS)
Can you sew a body back together?
245
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,600
I'll do my best.
'I'm still here, you cunts.'
246
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,960
Oh!
(LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)
247
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,920
I think, seeing death...
that close up,
248
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,600
it just makes my brain wonder,
that's all.
249
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:34,480
Do you know it's happening,
or do you welcome it in?
250
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,680
The peace... letting go?
251
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,560
You don't have to fucking
bother any more, do you?
252
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,520
Shall I give you
a prescription for Viagra?
253
00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:45,880
Why would you?
Why would you, after what I've said?
254
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,680
That's quite the leap, in't it?
What leap?
255
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:52,280
I'm talking about sadness
and you've gone to hard dicks.
256
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:55,200
You wouldn't be thinking about death
if you had a five-hour boner.
257
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:59,120
Knob head.
I'm worried that I'm spending
too much time by myself again.
258
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:01,320
What about... what's her name,
your friend?
259
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:04,120
Erin? Well, yeah,
she's great, but I...
260
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,920
..I don't know whether...
261
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,960
Fuck, I don't know.
262
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:11,920
Well, maybe you need
to talk to somebody.
263
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,720
What the fuck
are WE doing right now?
264
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:15,720
Actually, I DO know
a good therapist.
265
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,200
Mmm.
266
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:20,760
A friend from uni.
Got a long waiting list, though.
267
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:23,040
They always do.
Does owe me a favour.
268
00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:24,760
Maybe I can get you
an urgent referral.
269
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,840
No, don't. Listen...
270
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:29,680
I'll be jumping the queue
of a load of sad people, won't I?
271
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:32,280
That's not fair.
Here you are, Fiona Frank.
272
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,440
I'll get her to call you,
set up a time.
273
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,120
You can pay me back in weed.
274
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:40,240
Hello, Vincent.
Myself and Donna have been talking
275
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:43,720
and we would like to honour
Barry's life with a cocktail party,
276
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:46,560
tomorrow afternoon, 12:30.
277
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,200
Well, 12:30 for one.
278
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:53,800
She wants you and all your
strange friends to attend.
279
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,480
Dress code: Marvellous.
280
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,240
Oh, and by the way, Vincent,
281
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,960
we need Barry there.
282
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,840
He always loved a cocktail.
283
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,560
'Toodle-oo.'
284
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,880
Jesus. "Dress code: Marvellous"?
285
00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:13,200
What does it even mean?
Flamboyant shirts, bold colours.
286
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,760
Dress code: Tommo. Sold.
(LAUGHTER)
287
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:17,400
I don't mind. Yeah, yeah.
288
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,600
JJ working?
Yeah, he's always working.
289
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,440
Trying to earn for the baby,
in't he?
290
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,880
Shame. I would've loved to see him
dress marvellous.
291
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:26,320
I'll be your plus one.
292
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,400
I don't like it.
I don't mind telling you
293
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:31,160
right fucking now, it's a trap,
is what it might be.
294
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,440
I think they're gonna lure us
into the house, right,
295
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:37,080
and then Donna MacDonagh, with her
heathenous fucking hook-like claws,
296
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,760
will stick 'em in my fucking spine,
in't she, the lunatic.
297
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,720
Why would that happen?
Is she mad or something?
298
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,440
Yes!
Donna...? Put it this way.
299
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,240
Rumour has it she got put away,
three years in prison,
300
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,560
for chopping off a man's finger
with a rusty chisel.
301
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,120
Right, why don't we just go,
drop Barry off and make our excuses?
302
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:56,200
Well, I'M going! I mean, if she
wants to find you, she'll find you.
303
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,160
Besides, I love a cocktail.
304
00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:00,160
Fuck. She's got a good point there.
305
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:03,520
We can't walk away from
the MacDonaghs. We've learned that!
306
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:05,160
Shit!
Shit.
307
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:06,920
Marvellous! It said "marvellous".
308
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,640
Couldn't you put like
a fucking rainbow headband on?
309
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:12,120
You're all dark.
Everything's black on you.
310
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:13,440
I'm an undertaker.
311
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,360
I have to project an air
of undiluted dignity at all times.
312
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,880
I'm starving.
I'm doing these 16-hour fasts.
313
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,000
Right, let's stop en route.
Fuck, no.
314
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,960
We'll get something
when we're there.
315
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,280
At a cocktail party?
That's nibbles, Vinnie.
316
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:29,240
I need carbs.
Unless you wanna witness me hangry!
317
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,880
Oh, heaven forbid.
318
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:32,680
A hangry undertaker.
319
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,600
Right, do you want anything?
Need a shit.
320
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:40,080
Think they've got a toilet?
In a restaurant?
321
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:43,040
It's hardly a fucking restaurant,
is it? It's a shit hole.
322
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:44,840
Customers only.
323
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,960
I AM a customer.
He's with me.
324
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:50,680
YOU'RE a customer - you've ordered.
He's not eating.
325
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:54,080
What? Dude, come on.
What difference does it make?
326
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:55,200
Rules.
327
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:58,440
So, say I go in and drop my guts -
that's the same as him doing it.
328
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,320
And it wouldn't even
be as bad as that,
329
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,320
cos I hardly eat anything,
be a little poo.
330
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,440
Sorry. Customers only.
331
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:10,160
F-F-F-Fucking... you and your
fucking unblinking lizard eyes,
332
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,720
holding up ludicrous fucking rules,
333
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,600
about who can poo,
from who can't poo.
334
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:19,240
I mean, there's not even a fucking
boss here, no-one of authority.
335
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:22,360
Only us three would know
I've had a shit!
336
00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:24,760
Sorry for shouting.
337
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,120
(CLEARS THROAT)
338
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:30,240
It's getting urgent. I'm starting
to fucking crown, dude. All right?
339
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:33,520
OK, actually, erm, you know what?
I need to go.
340
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:34,960
Give me the key.
341
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,560
You're just gonna give it to him.
No. No.
342
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:42,000
I don't trust you.
Hey, I'm a customer. Key, please.
343
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,960
Thank you.
344
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:50,560
There you go.
Hiyah!
345
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,360
Dickhead!
346
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,880
Well, you should be
ashamed of yourself.
347
00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,760
Spiteful pizza.
Shit!
348
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,760
The coffin's gone.
Oh, fuck me!
349
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,520
Who the fuck steals a coffin?
350
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,360
Gary'll kill me! He'll fire me.
351
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,680
Know how much they cost?
And that glass!
352
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,000
Never mind the fucking cost.
Where's sewn-together Barry now?
353
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,880
We have to get it back.
Someone must have seen something.
354
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:16,800
There's fucking no-one here!
355
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,840
I can't lose this job, Vinnie.
356
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:23,320
I'm supporting myself now.
I need the fucking income.
357
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,760
And besides, I actually like
being round dead people.
358
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,880
Christ. Look, can we just...
Let's just...
359
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,200
Are you serious with that chomping?
360
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,960
Stop doing it.
Are you doing it on purpose?
361
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,560
I'm fucking starving!
You're doing me in.
362
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:45,120
I can't think straight with you
chomping like a fucking oxen!
363
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,040
(CHOMPS)
364
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:52,480
Don't eat more of it.
365
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,760
(THEY MUTTER)
366
00:16:57,840 --> 00:16:59,360
Oh, well done, dickhead!
367
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,880
Now it's all over the floor
of a sacred vehicle.
368
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,720
I just can't go back
to Davey MacDonagh's house
369
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:07,760
without his sewn-together brother.
Fuck, dude!
370
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:10,720
We have to come up with a plan
and really fucking quick.
371
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:13,480
What's all this "we" shit?
This is your problem.
372
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,320
I just need
that fucking coffin back.
373
00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:18,760
We! We share the same
fucking problem, don't we, you twit!
374
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:20,240
Christ!
375
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:22,680
What if...
376
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:25,880
we go back to Abracadaver,
get another coffin,
377
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,960
weigh it down to Barry weight
and take it to the cocktail party?
378
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,520
No. They might open it.
379
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,960
Why would they open it?
380
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,000
Because he's a fucking lunatic!
381
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:38,760
They're having a cocktail party
for a wake, you know what I mean?
382
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,880
We have to prep
for every eventuality.
383
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:45,000
OK, what if... we put a body
in there, cover the face
384
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:48,000
and tell them that Gary's still
working on the colouration.
385
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:50,480
They won't wanna see him
look all fucking deformed.
386
00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:54,560
Fuck me, that could work. I mean,
no options, have we, fuck sake.
387
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:57,040
There's only one problem.
388
00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:58,880
We only have females in right now.
389
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,320
Why the fuck
would you suggest it, then?!
390
00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:03,400
What's wrong with you?
Oh.
391
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,720
Unless...
392
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:09,240
Can we not just get the fucking
old beard man to do it?
393
00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,880
Jim?
Can we get Jim to get in the box?
394
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,960
He's almost dead for real.
He wouldn't cope. It's too hot.
395
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,840
Listen, all you have to do
is lie there
396
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,720
and pretend to be fucking dead.
397
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:20,880
Listen, if it kicks off,
anything happens,
398
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:24,600
they wanna check you for any reason,
we'll bang on t'coffin three times.
399
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,400
Now you know it's kicking off,
400
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,760
put your fucking gauze mask on
and they're none the wiser.
401
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,240
Do you understand?
Yeah. Put the fucking lid on.
402
00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,600
You behave yourself in there.
I'm serious.
403
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,600
You be dead as fuck.
404
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,200
Right, for the love of God,
let's have it.
405
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:47,760
Now you lot... Oi.
406
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,560
..sombre as fuck.
407
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:55,720
MEENA: Fucking hell.
That must be Donna.
408
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,520
Is this our Barry?
409
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,680
It is, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
410
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,640
Why's he in ONE coffin?
411
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,320
Sorry, how do you...
How do you mean?
412
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:07,760
He blew into five pieces.
413
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:09,440
Six.
Don't say that. Give over.
414
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,600
So if that was his final state,
415
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,440
if that's what the Lord Almighty
wanted for him,
416
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,680
why isn't he in FIVE coffins?
417
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,040
Six Oh, fuck.
418
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,720
Erm, well, we don't
really do mini coffins.
419
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,560
They've sewn him
back together, Donna.
420
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:24,800
We have.
421
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,560
Well, they better UN-sew him.
Right, then.
422
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,080
Cos I want to see him.
Hmm...
423
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:32,840
Before the funeral.
Oh.
424
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,760
In pieces.
That's unusual, in't it?
425
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:39,120
Laid out
on a tasteful sheet of silk.
426
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,880
Right, then.
OK, of course.
427
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,280
Come on, then.
428
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:51,600
Oh, come on, then.
Let just go and have a...
429
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,360
have a nice time.
430
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,480
OK, Vincent.
431
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,520
♪ MARVIN GAYE: Let's Get It On
432
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,680
See, dickhead? Nibbles.
Yeah, fuck the nibbles, dude.
433
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,040
How are we gonna get him
laid out on silk
434
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,720
if we've one fucking body?
Do you know what I mean?
435
00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,080
And six tiny coffins.
How much is that gonna cost?
436
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:17,280
It'll be fucking dear, won't it?
I'm telling you.
437
00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:19,160
We're fucked.
Hey, WE'RE not fucked.
438
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,320
I'm an innocent bystander.
Listen to you.
439
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:22,880
Fucking giving it big licks.
440
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,680
You're the one who wanted to stop
and get a pizza, aren't you?
441
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:29,560
Cheeky bastard!
It was YOU that needed a shit,
with your filthy arse crack.
442
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:30,800
Yeah.
Yeah.
443
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,200
Filthy arse crack?
Vincent.
444
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:35,320
How would you know that?
Vincent. Lady of death.
445
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:38,000
Donna would like an audience
with you now, Vincent,
446
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,720
in the downstairs lavatory.
447
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,960
Well, that's a fucking
weird location, innit?
448
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,080
Hmm. Come along, handsome.
(COUGHS)
449
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,360
Same an' all.
Bring your cocktail.
450
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,080
I had a poo
cos we stopped for pizza.
451
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:49,840
Fuck off!
452
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,440
You all right?
Vincent O'Neil.
453
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:57,880
Hmm.
454
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,600
Step inside.
I'll come inside.
455
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,760
I'll leave you two to chat.
(LOCK CLICKS)
456
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,120
Ooh... (LAUGHS)
457
00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:08,920
Tight.
458
00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:14,120
This won't take long, Vinnie.
459
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,720
We're all devastated about Barry,
460
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,480
but he were thick as horse shit.
461
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,360
So it comes as no surprise to me,
462
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,840
he kicked an unexploded bomb
and blew himself all over a field.
463
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:29,040
It's sad and it's a crying shame.
464
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,040
Now that I'm out of prison...
465
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,320
..I'm taking control
of the business...
466
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:41,680
..and the word on the street is...
467
00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:44,680
you grow the very best leaf
in town, so...
468
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,040
I know Davey was a...
469
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:55,000
less than considerate partner
on your previous endeavour...
470
00:21:57,160 --> 00:22:00,480
..but I will promise you,
as a woman of my word,
471
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:02,680
that if you get into bed with me...
472
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,240
..you won't end up
fucked up the arse.
473
00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:08,240
Nice. That would be nice.
474
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:13,000
Unfortunately...
and I'm sorry to say this...
475
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,200
Look, let me put it like this.
476
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:21,400
My mate Dylan - very close to -
he's gone missing...
477
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:25,280
..under really suspicious
circumstances.
478
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:29,240
Now, I have it on good authority
that it was your brother, Davey,
479
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:31,160
and he's fucking denying it.
480
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,600
I'd love to work with you,
but I can't, can I?
481
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,640
I can't work with people
if I can't trust
482
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:38,520
what's coming out of their mouth.
Do you know what I'm saying?
483
00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,200
And I AM sorry.
484
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,760
(GLASSES CLINK)
Hmm.
485
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:47,720
You want the truth?
486
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,320
He didn't hurt Dylan.
487
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:56,440
In fact, if anything -
from what Barry told me -
488
00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:00,320
he was a little bit
in love with him.
489
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,920
I just fucking...
I find it really hard to believe.
490
00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:20,280
Strawberry daiquiri.
Mmm.
491
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,960
You tried this?
No. Would you like me to?
492
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,720
Mm. I'm doing it.
493
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:26,960
Delish.
494
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,840
It's the nicest thing
that's ever passed my lips.
495
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:31,480
Mm.
496
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,400
I don't take "no"
for an answer, Vinnie.
497
00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:38,440
So, we'll pause this chat...
498
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,240
Si.
499
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,520
To be continued.
Oh...
500
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,480
Excited for it. I'm just gonna...
501
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,000
(DOOR UNLOCKS)
502
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:49,840
Shit!
503
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:51,880
♪ QUINCY JONES: Soul Bossa Nova
504
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,600
What's up with him?
He's not texting me back.
505
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:07,720
Well, maybe his hand's restricted.
Maybe he's not seen his messages.
506
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,560
Yes. Maybe he's dead.
Maybe he couldn't breathe after all.
507
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,800
Carol, it's for an hour, in a box,
with holes in, all right?
508
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,240
He's not gonna die
that quickly, is he?
509
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:20,040
Ladies.
Sorry.
510
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:22,960
(TAPS GLASS AGAIN)
511
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,800
I would like very much
to thank you for coming.
512
00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:31,360
It's so nice to see so many
friendly faces... here at an event
513
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:34,320
that our Barry
would have absolutely loved.
514
00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,160
(A SNORE FROM COFFIN)
515
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:37,800
(SNORING STOPS)
516
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:44,440
No cocktail party would have been
complete without our Barry's...
517
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:46,600
(SNORING)
What is that noise?
518
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,520
(SNORING CONTINUES)
It's like snoring.
519
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:52,080
No, no, that will be the...
gas that's produced...
520
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,840
You were telling me about that.
..as the microbes break down acids.
521
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,400
Don't think so.
It's definitely snoring. Listen.
522
00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,480
She's right. Yes, it's the gasses.
523
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,440
Oh, this is a lovely one, in't it?
524
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:03,280
We'll get YOU that one.
Shush.
525
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:05,120
Wow! How about that? Sorry.
526
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,880
(WHISPERING)
527
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,240
It seems to have gone away.
528
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:14,560
Maybe it WAS the erm...
Gas.
529
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,160
Gases.
Science, in't it?
530
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:17,680
Gases and science.
531
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:19,320
I thought it would be a nice idea
532
00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:21,680
if we all sang
Barry's favourite song.
533
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:24,880
And I would like everybody
to join in.
534
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:26,760
Mm.
535
00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:28,920
DJ.
536
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:30,920
♪ SHIRLEY BASSEY: Big Spender
537
00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:34,560
Oh, God, she loves this one.
538
00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:38,840
♪ The minute you walked in the joint
539
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:42,600
♪ I could tell
you was a man of distinction
540
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,520
♪ A real big spender Vin.
541
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,400
I've found the body.
♪ Good lookin'
542
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:48,560
Fuck me!
♪ So refined...
543
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:50,960
Come on. Who's got it?
544
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,480
Business email.
Subject: "I have your body."
545
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:55,840
When you open the email,
there's this guy.
546
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,200
Well, that's fucked up.
Someone's fucking with us.
547
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:00,800
I'm not happy about this.
Who sent that?
548
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:02,880
Some fucking joker
called Phil Brilliance.
549
00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:05,680
Phil shagging Brilliance?
It's from his work email.
550
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:08,120
Phil Brilliance
Waste Removal Services.
551
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,640
There's a phone number and address.
552
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,400
Oh, there's an address!
Quickly, go get the lads!
553
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:14,920
(TYRES SCREECH)
554
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,960
Fuck me, it's like the Bates Motel.
555
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,000
He's fucked it, this fella.
556
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:32,600
Oh, God.
557
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,560
So glad you could come.
558
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:37,440
Dude, don't fuck about.
Open this fucking door right now.
559
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:42,160
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Well, what
bad manners your mother taught YOU!
560
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,280
Open the fucking door, please.
561
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:48,600
Er, one moment, please,
while I consult with Mr Brilliance.
562
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,440
Who shall I say is calling?
563
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:52,480
Why would you consult with Brilli...
564
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,480
Fuck, I'm not talking
to this puppet.
565
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:57,520
Take your hand out the arse
of this thing, unlock the door
566
00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,720
and tell us what you've done
with sewn-together Barry.
567
00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:01,960
I'm gonna fucking snap
in a minute, dude.
568
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:05,240
Oh, right, yeah, you've
upset his puppet now, haven't you?
569
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:06,560
Well done.
What do you mean?
570
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,800
It's a kiddy thing.
Clearly not mentally stable.
571
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,840
He's nicked a fucking coffin.
He's speaking through a puppet.
572
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,680
I hate to say it, but on this
occasion, she is correct. Thank you.
573
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:17,960
How to go about this is very much
softly-softly catchy monkey...
574
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,760
Ah-ha-ha! Good afternoon!
575
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:23,640
Good afternoon.
My name's Phil Brilliance.
576
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:26,400
And this is my good friend Russell.
577
00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:28,600
What? Oh, yes.
578
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:30,480
Shake your hand.
Why me?
579
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:32,240
Shake his hand, for fuck sake.
580
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,320
Yeah, nice one, Russell.
Fucking ace.
581
00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:36,880
Well, Russell,
aren't you gonna invite them in?
582
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:38,960
No. YOU invite them in.
583
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,040
Fuck me.
I don't like the look of them.
584
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:44,640
Especially the child
dressed like Miami Vice.
585
00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:46,400
Russell...
It's party wear, innit.
586
00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:49,880
I am sorry about him,
ladies and gentlemen.
587
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:52,360
Please do come in.
I got snacks.
588
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:56,560
You're fucking exhausting, Philip.
589
00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,600
Good fucking Lord God.
590
00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:03,440
Thank you, Russell. Please
help yourself to food and drinks.
591
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:05,640
(CHUCKLES) We've poisoned them.
592
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:08,800
No, we haven't.
Yeah, we're jo.. He's joking.
593
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:11,640
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Or AM I?
594
00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:13,880
All right. Fucking hell.
595
00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:15,880
Ha-ha, what's he like?
596
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:18,280
He's just a fucking right one.
597
00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:20,200
Why don't we put him down
for a minute?
598
00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:23,680
Us humans beings have a very serious
business conversation
599
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:26,560
about the whereabouts
of that bloody corpse, eh?
600
00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:28,680
(CRUNCHES)
601
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,000
And coffin.
And the fucking coffin as well.
602
00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,440
Well, Russell,
what do you think about that?
603
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,200
Oh, whoo-hoo! Ahh!
604
00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:38,080
(CHUCKLES)
Can I have a word in your ear?
605
00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:39,600
Yeah, of course you can.
606
00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:43,800
Excuse me, could we just have
a moment alone while we have a chat?
607
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:48,240
What is it?
(TALKS GIBBERISH)
608
00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:50,600
Fucking hell. Bloody idiot.
Stay calm.
609
00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:53,240
You dirty bastard.
(GIBBERISH)
610
00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:55,960
He's doing my head in.
Philip! Phil, Phil.
611
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,440
Nearly finished.
Argh.
612
00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:04,240
Phil has, er, asked me
to negotiate on his behalf.
613
00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:06,400
(GIBBERS)
No! Fuck off!
614
00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:08,680
Vin.
Fuck, no! For fucking hell!
615
00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:11,680
I have been very patient indeed.
Give me that fucking doll.
616
00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:13,680
No!
The time for farting around
617
00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:15,440
is very much over!
618
00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:17,560
Were in dire-fucking-straits, dude.
No.
619
00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:20,720
Dire straits. We need to know
the location of the fucking body.
620
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:23,000
I'm not pissing around here, dude.
621
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:24,680
Here. Fuck me, I'm sorry.
622
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:26,520
(WHIMPERS)
623
00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:30,440
Where's our fucking coffin?
624
00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:32,560
Right, stop!
There's a lot going on here.
625
00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:36,400
Fucking hell, you're scaring him.
Phil, hi.
626
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:40,520
Listen, YOU messaged us. Remember?
627
00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:41,640
Yeah.
628
00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:44,520
We've come to find out
what that reason was.
629
00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:46,080
OK.
630
00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:49,560
Barry MacDonagh was a very scary man
631
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:53,960
and his family are...
very scary people,
632
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:57,680
so we need it back... quite urgently.
633
00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:00,840
OK.
OK.
634
00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:02,920
I'll talk.
OK.
635
00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:05,160
I want my lawyer present.
636
00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:07,040
You want your lawyer?
Yeah.
637
00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:09,480
And he... he's in that box?
Yeah.
638
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:11,720
I just can't imagine
where this is gonna go.
639
00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:14,040
All right, you can get your lawyer.
640
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:17,560
You sit here - out of harm's way.
641
00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:23,160
Come on. Come on, out you come.
642
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:26,160
We've got business.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
643
00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:27,320
Wow.
644
00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:29,200
Top legal mind.
645
00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:32,840
This is St John Moseley.
646
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,520
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
647
00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:37,640
AND ladies.
648
00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:40,440
You all right, Sinj... Sinjun?
649
00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:43,480
Listen, is there any chance
you could ask your client
650
00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:47,880
the whereabouts of the fucking
corpse he's stolen? I mean...
651
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:52,360
The gentleman
with the horrendous neck tattoo
652
00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:57,440
wishes to know the location
of, I quote, "A stolen body".
653
00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,960
I advise caution in your response.
654
00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:03,000
Right, tell the gentleman
655
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:05,280
the body's stored
in a safe location.
656
00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:08,240
But unless I get
a full and frank apology
657
00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:11,280
from that monster Davey MacDonagh,
658
00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:13,760
I will not reveal
the location of the body.
659
00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:16,760
My client says...
No, dude!
660
00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:18,840
We fucking heard
what the client said.
661
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:20,960
You said it.
I can see your lips move.
662
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:23,040
At least drink some water
at t'same time.
663
00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:26,000
It's very underwhelming.
What apology?
664
00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:29,480
The lady asks
what is the nature of the apology?
665
00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:31,440
Well, it's simple, in't it?
666
00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:34,240
That man - Davey MacDonagh...
667
00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:39,080
..he ruined my life.
668
00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:45,120
Can we take a moment
for my client, please?
669
00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:46,800
(SIFFLES) Thank you.
670
00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:48,600
(SOBS)
671
00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:50,720
Fucking hell.
672
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:55,320
Mr Brilliance would like me
to recount his story to you
673
00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:56,960
on his behalf.
674
00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:59,960
Would you mind
making yourselves comfortable?
675
00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:02,800
Go on, then.
676
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:06,640
It all started several years ago,
when Mr Brilliance ran
677
00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:10,760
a hugely successful
children's entertainment business.
678
00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:12,720
(CHILDREN CHEER)
679
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:19,840
'Phil's business was
the most successful in the region.
680
00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:22,680
There was so much work,
he couldn't fit it all in.
681
00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:25,720
Parents would recommend him
to other parents.
682
00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:29,320
Word spread and the kids adored him.
683
00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:32,400
Especially when he brought out
the star of the show -
684
00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:34,960
Virgil the cheeky monkey.'
685
00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:38,040
Boys and girls, it's Virgil!
Virgil, how are you?
686
00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:40,920
'Then, one fateful day,
687
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:44,520
Phil got hired by Davey MacDonagh,
688
00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:47,520
to throw a party
for his niece, Mabel.'
689
00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:49,480
That's Donna's daughter.
690
00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:51,320
Correct.
691
00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:54,320
My best friend's a monkey.
He's called Virgil.
692
00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:57,520
'Unaware of the MacDonaghs'
fearsome reputation,
693
00:32:57,560 --> 00:33:01,280
Phil did his usual routine
and the party went well...
694
00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:04,920
right up to the point
where Virgil made his appearance.'
695
00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:07,840
You want to go over and say hello
to the grown-ups? All right.
696
00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:10,400
Here, let's go and say hello
to the grown-ups.
697
00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:14,080
(SLIDE WHISTLE)
(CHUCKLES) Ooh!
698
00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:16,520
(CHILDREN LAUGH)
699
00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:20,120
(LAUGHTER STOPS)
700
00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:23,200
'It was an innocent mistake,
701
00:33:23,240 --> 00:33:25,680
and Phil tried
to apologise afterwards
702
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:28,200
but things turned nasty.'
Argh!
703
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,680
Made a monkey out of me back there,
puppet boy!
704
00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:33,320
I apologise! I'll do the show
for free to say sorry.
705
00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:35,680
I think some compensation
might be in order.
706
00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:37,680
Compensation?
For my hurt feelings
707
00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:39,440
and for the distress and trauma
708
00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:42,400
caused to innocent eight year olds
who have now been exposed -
709
00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:43,920
at far too early an age -
710
00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:47,280
to the sight of an unfeasibly large
male phallus.
711
00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:50,240
Yeah, but it wasn't
THAT unfeasibly large, was it?
712
00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:53,240
(FORCED LAUGHTER) Oh, no!
713
00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:55,080
Go on. Then what happened?
714
00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:58,040
Say goodbye
cos he's going in the fucking river!
715
00:33:58,080 --> 00:34:00,680
(MOANS)
Bye-bye!
716
00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:05,000
Not so fucking BRILLIANT now,
are you, Phil?!
717
00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:07,400
Fucking hell, that is brutal, mate.
718
00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:10,680
But that wasn't the end of it.
719
00:34:10,720 --> 00:34:12,560
(FIRE ROARS)
(SMOKE ALARM BEEPS)
720
00:34:16,240 --> 00:34:18,400
(PHIL COUGHS)
721
00:34:22,720 --> 00:34:25,080
'Threats, intimidation.'
722
00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:27,840
Every time he turned up
to a children's party,
723
00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:29,720
there they were.
724
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:35,560
Not today, puppet boy.
725
00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:39,800
They started spreading rumours
that he was a paedophile,
726
00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:43,080
that he'd touched up a little girl
at a children's party,
727
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:45,560
with his hand inside a monkey.
728
00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:49,120
And DID he..?
NO!
729
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:51,720
They ruined me.
They ruined my business.
730
00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:54,440
My wife left me.
I was sick with stress.
731
00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:56,280
Everyone thought I was a nonce -
732
00:34:56,320 --> 00:34:59,120
and all because
HE didn't wear boxer shorts!
733
00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:01,920
Oh, dear God. It's a bloody shame.
734
00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:04,680
Phil, do you know what?
Honestly, man, I can see
735
00:35:04,720 --> 00:35:07,040
that they've really, really
hurt you, there.
736
00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:08,560
Wankers, the pair of 'em.
737
00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:11,280
But you're never gonna get
an apology off 'em, dude. Never.
738
00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:13,120
Never in a million fucking years.
739
00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:15,240
Then, he's never gonna get
his brother back!
740
00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:17,280
Argh!
He'll fucking kill you, you non...
741
00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:19,880
you prick.
They've ALREADY killed me!
742
00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:23,400
The day they killed Virgil.
743
00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:27,720
That monkey... he was my best friend.
744
00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:30,960
But not only that,
it was my livelihood.
745
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:34,160
They tore my world apart. (SOBS)
746
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:41,400
There, there.
747
00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:43,600
Now that, that's talent.
748
00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:45,240
Put that in your act.
Mm.
749
00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:46,840
Right? Yeah.
Good.
750
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:50,520
What are the chances
of getting Davey to apologise?
Fucking zero.
751
00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:52,720
We'd have to fess up
to losing his brother.
752
00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:54,960
It won't go down well.
Wait. I've got an idea.
753
00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:56,840
Some places have started
doing this thing
754
00:35:56,880 --> 00:36:00,240
where a family member
records themselves
talking about their lost loved one,
755
00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:02,000
like summat funny,
a rude anecdote.
756
00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:05,880
To warm people up,
the undertaker writes something
and gets them to say it to camera.
757
00:36:05,920 --> 00:36:07,720
What if we convince Davey to do one,
758
00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:10,040
write up some sentences
as his warm up,
759
00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:12,880
and we edit them into an apology?
Fah!
760
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:14,760
It's a shit idea.
Yeah.
761
00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:16,280
I think it's a great idea.
762
00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:18,480
Why don't we just stand up
and tell a story?
763
00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:20,400
I'll tell you for why.
764
00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:23,640
So, on the day, there is gonna be
a lot of emotion. All right?
765
00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:25,560
You know what,
you've lost your brother.
766
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:29,000
I don't think it matters how
many times you rehearse that speech,
767
00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:30,720
emotion could creep in and ruin it.
768
00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:33,880
And what tends to happen now -
it's very, very popular, isn't it?
769
00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:35,680
Yeah, it's modern a trend.
Modern trend.
770
00:36:35,720 --> 00:36:37,440
Especially with the rich folks.
Yeah.
771
00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:40,240
They record it.
They put on a big old screen there.
772
00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:43,160
People gather round
and it becomes more of an event.
773
00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:45,280
Do you know what I mean?
Makes sense.
774
00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:48,480
OK, I'm sold.
775
00:36:49,360 --> 00:36:52,840
I'll tell the wheelbarrow pig story.
It's hilarious.
776
00:36:52,880 --> 00:36:56,360
It's just that Davey...
Oh, I am brilliant at anecdotes.
777
00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:58,640
I tell you what...
778
00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:00,680
why don't you BOTH do one?
779
00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:03,640
Thank God for this one.
780
00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:07,280
'I'd just like to say a few words.
781
00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:09,880
I am very sorry...
..to you... feel...
782
00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:11,680
..for all the pain...
783
00:37:11,720 --> 00:37:13,320
..and furthermore...'
784
00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:15,680
And that'll be that, Phil.
I mean, er, "feel".
785
00:37:15,720 --> 00:37:17,480
It's good stuff. I mean, that's...
786
00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:20,720
That has been edited.
It's not been edit...
787
00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:24,000
Yeah, a little bit. Cos he pauses.
He's a fucking pauser.
788
00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:27,600
That is a full-throttle apology
you just heard there.
789
00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:29,320
No.
Yeah, it's fucking rare, that.
790
00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:31,240
To get an apology
off someone like...
791
00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:34,800
Davey MacDonagh giving an apology -
rare as fucking...
792
00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:36,960
Hen's teeth. That's a saying.
Hen's teeth.
793
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:38,600
We've got 20 fucking hours, dude.
794
00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:41,400
20 hours, that's it,
and then the funeral starts.
795
00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:45,240
And for reasons only known
to his fucking psychopath sister,
796
00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:48,280
she wants to have a look at him -
Barry in bits.
797
00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:50,400
So fucking time's of the essence.
798
00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:55,840
My client says he is NOT prepared to
reveal the whereabouts of the body.
799
00:37:55,880 --> 00:37:58,200
Fuck you, Sideon,
or whatever the fucking...
800
00:37:58,240 --> 00:38:00,360
Vin!
No, no, no.
801
00:38:00,400 --> 00:38:02,120
Ahh!
Eurgh!
802
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:05,920
Dude, you're fucking putting our
lives at risk, is what you're doing.
803
00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:08,280
I want a face-to-face apology.
804
00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:12,200
You are never ever,
in a thousand fucking years,
805
00:38:12,240 --> 00:38:14,840
ever gonna get an apology
out of them sociopaths.
806
00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:17,120
It's just not happening.
No body.
807
00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:20,080
No. Oh, fuck my arse.
808
00:38:20,120 --> 00:38:22,800
Right. Bodies are really
fucking heavy, yeah?
809
00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:25,240
(So, A) it's gonna be hard
to hide one.
810
00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:27,920
(B) he's a weirdo, so chances are
he's gonna want it close to him.
811
00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:29,920
What you suggesting?
Wait till he goes out,
812
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:33,560
break in, have a look around -
loft, attic, garden, everywhere.
813
00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:36,280
No. What...
What if he stays in all night?
814
00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:39,200
Everyone leaves eventually, Vincent.
Even ventriloquists.
815
00:38:39,240 --> 00:38:41,200
I know how to get him
out of the house.
816
00:38:41,240 --> 00:38:44,200
Book a waste removal tonight.
False address, miles away.
817
00:38:44,240 --> 00:38:46,280
Fucking sick! Punch the air.
818
00:38:46,320 --> 00:38:48,000
There we go.
Fucking finally!
819
00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:51,440
Any sign?
820
00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:53,240
Yeah, Erin,
he came out ten minutes ago.
821
00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:56,280
I just didn't say anything about it.
Stop being a dickhead, Tommo.
822
00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:59,080
I booked that job for 7:15.
Why hasn't he left?
823
00:38:59,120 --> 00:39:01,480
Christ. What have you said to him?
You put a voice on?
824
00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:05,240
I did, yeah. I went... (POSHLY)
Hello. Is this garden removal?
825
00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:07,160
You didn't, did you?
I did, yeah. Why?
826
00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:09,160
Fuck. That's the voice
people do when trying
827
00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:11,480
to sound like a posh person,
not an actual posh person.
828
00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:13,720
Oh, is it fuck!
It is, Erin. You had one job.
829
00:39:13,760 --> 00:39:16,640
I'm over here, meanwhile,
fucking master of impersonations,
830
00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:18,440
could do any accent.
Was I called upon?
831
00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:20,160
Oh, yeah.
No. No, I wasn't.
832
00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:22,760
Fucking sound like Jimmy Savile
and Vin Diesel mixed.
833
00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:24,320
That's my own voice, in't it?
834
00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:26,960
That's my natural-born voice.
You're so annoying!
835
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:29,240
Shut up! Shut up,
you pair of fucking lemons.
836
00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:31,480
Dickhead!
Christ, fucking glasses.
837
00:39:31,520 --> 00:39:33,800
Fucking annoys me, he does.
838
00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:37,600
Well, look at the fu...
Of fucking course. Look at him.
839
00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:40,560
Fucking hell.
Fucking Ronnie!
840
00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:52,960
(SCREAMS)
841
00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:54,880
Give over.
OK.
842
00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:57,080
How do you know Phil Brilliance?
843
00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:00,000
Depends on who's asking.
Oh, God, dude. WE'RE asking you.
844
00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:01,800
Oh, right, you just asked.
Right, OK.
845
00:40:01,840 --> 00:40:03,280
Can I ask summat?
Yes.
846
00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:06,200
Why are you slamming me against here
like Who Dares Wills,
847
00:40:06,240 --> 00:40:10,320
interrogating me
about legitimate friendships
that are going on in Hawley Town?
848
00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:13,200
Because he's nicked a dead body.
Barry MacDonagh.Yeah.
849
00:40:13,240 --> 00:40:15,120
And there's no way
he's moved it on his own.
850
00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:18,080
So tell us what you know
because I need that coffin back!
851
00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:19,960
All right. OK, yeah, sure.
852
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:23,200
So what, summat goes off, so who
do you blame? Ronnie Croft, right?
853
00:40:23,240 --> 00:40:25,440
Do me a favour,
stick this in your kettle
854
00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:28,000
and do you know what, smoke it -
cos I work for him.
855
00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:33,120
You fucking work for him?
Yeah. W-U-R-R-K. "Wurrk". OK?
856
00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:34,920
Ronnie croft is clocking on,
857
00:40:34,960 --> 00:40:37,120
he's paying his taxes...
I ain't paying taxes.
858
00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:40,680
Shut up! You move garden shit
for Phil Brilliance, yeah?
859
00:40:40,720 --> 00:40:42,840
Yeah, I've got a gig tonight.
That's what I call it.
860
00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:45,160
"I'm just nipping out...
Just nipping out to do a gig."
861
00:40:45,200 --> 00:40:48,480
Do you know what I mean?
Let me off here. I can just... split.
862
00:40:48,520 --> 00:40:51,280
Ronnie, sweetheart,
do you expect us to believe, right,
863
00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:55,640
that you work for the bloke,
but you've no idea about this
fucking missing corpse?
864
00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:57,080
And coffin.
And coffin.
865
00:40:57,120 --> 00:41:00,360
Look, I swear to Jah,
on Erin's life.
866
00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:01,920
Ronnie!
867
00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:04,560
Right, do you not think -
come on, guys, it's me -
868
00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:07,920
I'd have noticed a stolen coffin?
They're massive, Vin.
869
00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:11,280
You are gonna help us find out
what he's fucking done with it.
870
00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:13,240
OK. Oh, me?
871
00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:16,440
God, all right, come on.
Yes! Fucking you. Yes. Fucking hell!
872
00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:18,280
Cos we can't go back in, can we?
873
00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:20,280
For some reason,
he clearly trusts you.
874
00:41:20,320 --> 00:41:22,760
Don't know why.
So you need to go back in
875
00:41:22,800 --> 00:41:24,960
and find out where that body is -
And coffin.
876
00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:26,680
And coffin.
And coffin? Yes.
877
00:41:26,720 --> 00:41:28,720
Both.
Both! Don't fucking run off!
878
00:41:28,760 --> 00:41:30,640
Yes. He's not running off.
Right, OK.
879
00:41:30,680 --> 00:41:32,640
You're fucking staying here, you.
880
00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:35,280
Would you not agree,
that man is a fucking bellend?
881
00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:37,440
Dude.
Innit? Right, can't be trusted.
882
00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:41,360
So, how's about me and you come up
with a little a backup plan?
883
00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:44,240
Knock, knock,
knock-knock-knock, knock-nock.
884
00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:46,560
All right. You're late.
Yes, you ARE late.
885
00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:48,360
All right, Arnold, don't start.
886
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:50,680
I just got lost
en route-a-toot-toot. All right?
887
00:41:50,720 --> 00:41:53,360
We need to have a word.
We need to have a chat, man.
888
00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:58,960
'We're late for the job. What do you
wanna speak to me about, Ronnie?'
889
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:02,720
'Cos we've got problemo magnificio.'
'Meaning what?'
890
00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:04,920
'Come on, Phil,
stick the dummy down.'
891
00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:06,480
I am not a dummy.
892
00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:09,080
Well, yeah,
you ARE a fucking dummy, dummy.
893
00:42:09,120 --> 00:42:10,920
I'm less of a dummy than you,
aren't I?
894
00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:13,640
'At least I've got GCSEs.'
He's arguing with a fucking doll.
895
00:42:13,680 --> 00:42:16,040
Look at your legs! They're cloth.
Get off my legs.
896
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:17,960
Stop kicking yourself
in the fucking head.
897
00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:20,800
Well, at least I've got some hair.
You're like an ugly boiled egg.
898
00:42:20,840 --> 00:42:22,320
Ooh, a bit fucking personal!
899
00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:25,200
I'd sort him out, man, cos I'll
put him into another fucking realm.
900
00:42:25,240 --> 00:42:26,800
Know what I mean?
Ronnie, listen -
901
00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:29,840
Have a word with him.
He gets above himself.
What do you want, Ronnie?
902
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:31,760
It's a fucking heavy heat
scenario going on.
903
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:35,080
People - can't specify who -
but they're heavy, right?
904
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,400
They found out
about the fucking body.
905
00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:41,120
So I'm gonna need
some serious compensation, OK,
906
00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:43,600
to keep a zipper-mouth situation.
907
00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:48,120
You blackmailing me, Ronnie?
(LAUGHS) Am I blackmailing you?!
908
00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:51,200
'Yeah! Absolutely.'
Motherfucker!
909
00:42:52,240 --> 00:42:56,040
Yeah... No. Erin, I tried my best.
910
00:42:56,080 --> 00:42:58,080
Oh!
911
00:42:59,080 --> 00:43:02,040
(SHOUTS)
Give over, you fucking lemon.
912
00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:03,720
I can't see fuck all.
Shut up!
913
00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:06,040
Erin, it's getting
a little bit stupid.
914
00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:09,840
Listen, honest to God,
it's the last time I'm asking.
915
00:43:09,880 --> 00:43:11,760
Where's that fucking body?
And coffin.
916
00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:14,440
And the fucking....
For fuck sake! The coffin as well.
917
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:16,000
Listen, Ronnie, honestly, dude,
918
00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:17,960
I'll leave you down here
with the rats -
919
00:43:18,000 --> 00:43:21,120
OK, YOU might but Erin wouldn't,
and do you wanna know why, Vin?
920
00:43:21,160 --> 00:43:25,080
It's because family is very,
very thicker than water. That's why.
921
00:43:25,120 --> 00:43:28,840
Try me. Ronnie, I know for a fact
you're scared of the dark.
922
00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:30,480
Oh.
Right, OK.
923
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:34,040
Phil offered me two large, OK?
Aka 200.
924
00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:36,040
If yous go to say, five...
925
00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:39,000
How the fuck am I gonna pay you
500 quid, you cunt?!
926
00:43:39,040 --> 00:43:43,840
What? You're not gonna pay me?
In that case, Whitney Houston,
we got a problem.
927
00:43:43,880 --> 00:43:45,960
You don't know Whitney Houston,
dude.
928
00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:48,320
He means Houston, don't he?
He means Houston.
929
00:43:48,360 --> 00:43:50,560
Guys, the jokes on fucking you!
930
00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:54,440
No, no, no, not the dark!
OK, I'll give you what you want!
931
00:43:55,240 --> 00:43:57,600
Check it out. Follow the light.
932
00:43:57,640 --> 00:43:59,840
♪ RIVAL SONS: Do Your Worst
933
00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:09,120
Thank fuck for that.
934
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:12,160
He's all there.
935
00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:14,280
Ronnie Croft saves the day.
Nice one.
936
00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:16,120
Hold on.
937
00:44:16,160 --> 00:44:18,920
Where are his eyes?
Oh...
938
00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:22,200
His fucking eyes are missing.
The fuck, who nicks eyes?
939
00:44:23,640 --> 00:44:26,240
♪ Oh, my, oh, my baby
940
00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:29,560
♪ Devil's gonna get you
if I don't first
941
00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:32,320
♪ Take my, take my body
942
00:44:32,360 --> 00:44:35,240
♪ Take my body and do your worst
943
00:44:35,280 --> 00:44:38,080
♪ Oh, my, oh, my baby
944
00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:41,200
♪ Devil's gonna get you
if I don't first
945
00:44:41,240 --> 00:44:44,080
♪ Take my, take my body
946
00:44:44,120 --> 00:44:47,080
♪ Take my body and do your worst ♪
947
00:44:53,080 --> 00:44:55,080
He's ready for you now.
948
00:45:12,720 --> 00:45:13,960
They're fine.
949
00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:17,080
Gentlemen...
I think we've got away with it.
950
00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:18,720
(MUTED EXCITED CHATTER)
951
00:45:19,560 --> 00:45:24,640
♪ ..over the rainbow
952
00:45:25,360 --> 00:45:30,520
♪ Way up high
953
00:45:32,160 --> 00:45:37,760
♪ There's a land that I heard of
954
00:45:38,480 --> 00:45:43,640
♪ Once in a lullaby
955
00:45:45,440 --> 00:45:47,440
(DOORS SQUEAK OPEN)
956
00:45:47,480 --> 00:45:55,000
♪ Somewhere over the rainbow
957
00:45:55,840 --> 00:46:00,120
♪ Skies are blue
958
00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:04,160
(MUSIC FADES)
Thank you.
959
00:46:04,200 --> 00:46:08,360
And before we move Barry on
to his final rest,
960
00:46:08,400 --> 00:46:10,760
his brother Davey
would like to read...
961
00:46:10,800 --> 00:46:13,040
David.
..a few words from the Good Book.
962
00:46:16,800 --> 00:46:18,640
CARDI: Ash coffin.
963
00:46:20,280 --> 00:46:23,440
What if he starts "coughing"?
Do you get it?
964
00:46:23,480 --> 00:46:26,040
Shut up, you fucking... Shut up.
965
00:46:26,800 --> 00:46:28,800
(AMPLIFIED TAPS)
966
00:46:32,600 --> 00:46:35,040
"The righteous perish...
967
00:46:35,080 --> 00:46:37,160
and no man layeth it to heart;
968
00:46:38,400 --> 00:46:41,200
the merciful men are taken away,
969
00:46:41,240 --> 00:46:43,440
none considering
970
00:46:43,480 --> 00:46:47,920
that the righteous are taken away
from the evil to come."
971
00:46:50,320 --> 00:46:52,320
(DOORS BURST OPEN)
972
00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:54,960
Oh, shit.
973
00:46:57,000 --> 00:47:00,080
I want an apology!
974
00:47:00,120 --> 00:47:01,560
(MURMURING)
975
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:04,160
(WHISPERS) Fuck.
976
00:47:06,280 --> 00:47:08,360
You remember me, Davey?
977
00:47:08,400 --> 00:47:12,960
If you know what is good for you,
you will leave right now.
978
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:15,920
Phil Brilliance.
Children's entertainer.
979
00:47:16,840 --> 00:47:18,320
Get rid of him.
980
00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:20,240
Would anybody like to meet
my new friend?
981
00:47:20,280 --> 00:47:22,200
Stay where the fuck you are. Stay.
No.
982
00:47:22,240 --> 00:47:25,040
His name... is Barry.
983
00:47:25,080 --> 00:47:28,560
You want to shut the fuck up,
you disrespectful cunt.
984
00:47:28,600 --> 00:47:31,360
Otherwise,
you'll end up in a coffin yourself.
985
00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:34,360
Davey, well, he killed
my last friend, Virgil,
986
00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:37,160
but I don't think
he's gonna hurt this one.
987
00:47:37,200 --> 00:47:39,640
No, no, no.
988
00:47:39,680 --> 00:47:41,480
I don't think he'll hurt this one.
989
00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:44,800
Especially as he's got
such beautiful...
990
00:47:44,840 --> 00:47:46,480
eyes.
991
00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:48,760
(SCREAMS)
Oh, fuck!
992
00:47:48,800 --> 00:47:51,120
Ahh! Fuck!
993
00:47:51,160 --> 00:47:55,240
An eye for an eye, Davey!
You little piece of piss!
994
00:47:55,280 --> 00:47:57,800
Run away! Run away!
Run away! Run away!
995
00:47:57,840 --> 00:48:00,200
Cheeky little bastard!
996
00:48:01,640 --> 00:48:04,080
(PHONE RINGS)
Fucking phone!
997
00:48:04,120 --> 00:48:05,480
Hello?
998
00:48:05,520 --> 00:48:07,600
Hello, Vincent.
This is Fiona Frank.
999
00:48:07,640 --> 00:48:11,080
You were referred to me
by Dr Christopher Cox,
for psychotherapy.
1000
00:48:11,120 --> 00:48:14,080
No, no, no, no!
Yep, yep, yep, yep! Go on.
1001
00:48:14,120 --> 00:48:17,080
I'm sorry. Is this a bad time?
No, it's a good time.
1002
00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:21,040
It's a good time.
I need you more than ever, actually.
1003
00:48:35,480 --> 00:48:38,760
I know this will come as a shock
to you, but... I'm your son.
1004
00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:41,640
What?
(SQUEAKY COMEDY VOICE)
1005
00:48:41,680 --> 00:48:43,280
How the fuck can he be mine?
1006
00:48:43,320 --> 00:48:45,240
(QUACKS)
1007
00:48:45,280 --> 00:48:47,920
Don't wish for it - work for it.
1008
00:48:47,960 --> 00:48:49,680
He wants you in his life, Tommo.
1009
00:48:51,640 --> 00:48:53,080
Hello, boys.
1010
00:48:53,120 --> 00:48:54,360
Charmed.
1011
00:48:54,400 --> 00:48:56,760
Do not flirt
with my fucking progeny.
1012
00:48:56,800 --> 00:48:58,600
Bend down and pick it up.
1013
00:48:58,640 --> 00:49:00,400
Argh!
1014
00:49:20,200 --> 00:49:23,160
AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk
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