Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language

from the outset and throughout.

McCann got life. (LAUGHS)

(ALL SINGING) He's definitely gone down, McCann?

It is safe now.

Between us, we rule the area, agreed?

(TOMMO SNIFFS) The answer's a no.

Tell me you're not getting involved with the MacDonaghs.

Du... (SIGHS) One of us is gonna get killed.

Dylan? Yeah.

Such a lovely name.

# In The House, In a Heartbeat #

Here's to calmer times. Mm.(CUPS CLINK)

You Davey's guy? Yeah, I am.

Vin, help me, dude. (ERIN GASPS, SCREAMS)

You fucking bastard!

DAVEY: If you wanted out of our business arrangement,

let's just end it now.

No hard feelings.

No hard feelings at all.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

(KEYS JINGLE)

(ECHOING) No. No. Help! Help!

# TWO FEET: I Feel Like I'm Drowning #

(TRAFFIC RUMBLES)

# Yeah, ah-ha

# You keep dreaming and dark scheming

# Yeah, you do

# You're a poison

# And I know that is the truth

# All my friends think you're vicious

# And they say you're suspicious

# You keep dreaming and dark scheming

# Yeah, you do

# I feel like I'm drowning

# I am drowning

# You're holding me down and

# Holding me down

# You're killing me slow

# So slow, oh, no

# I feel like I'm drowning #

(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)

(BIRD SQUAWKS)

(SIGHS) Fucking hell.

# I feel like I'm drowning

# I am drowning

# You're holding me down and

# Holding me down

# You're killing me slow

# So- # Fucking hell!

(SOFTLY) Motherucker.

(SPRAY PAINT CAN RATTLES, HISSES)

# BARRET STRONG: Money #

Because it's out-fucking-rageous. That's why I'm stressing,

if I had the money, I'd sue the shite

out of which ever twats doing this. I don't think you need to sue,

it's hardly slander.No, I mean also it is, you know, true, in't it.

Shut up! It's not fucking true. It's true. Eh...

Every-Everyone...Everyone says

you have an extremely average penis, Vin.

Everyone?Well the fucking one's that have seen it have, yeah.

I mean, it's not winning any fucking prizes.

It's not that bloody anaconda over there, but-

We've all seen your penis, Vin. Have you?

There's a WhatsApp group. Don't tell him. What the fuck.

Who do you think's doing it? Well I... Shut up, you little...

Well, I don't know, do I? For fucks sake.

Maybe it's Carl Slater getting you back for the dog bumming rumour.

No. No. No. No. No, that's not a rumour, no, no.

Carl Slater has been hilts deep in a canine on more than one occasion.

He has.. Mark my words. Elizabeth?

Yeah?Five of your finest pints, please and you know what,

a cheeky little half for your good self.

Why thank you, Tommo.

Aww, are you all right, sweetheart?

Listen, us women, we don't care, do we?No.

I mean, my ex husband he had a three-incher

and we had two lovely daughters. (INHALES DEEPLY)

Mind you, I did have a very passionate fling

with Sugar's uncle, but that is its own story. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, yeah? Families. Families.

I'm irritated. I'll tell you what it is?

Solation! TOMMO: It's not even a word?

It's not really. It's a very slight exaggeration if anything.

Just... Fucking hell, I swear to God, I'll pull my shit out

right fucking now.ALL: No! LIZ: Look, if it's any help,

Adyan Khan was in here last night and he had silver paint on his hands.

Ah. Adyan fucking Khan?

Yeah. Pick him up.

Vinnie! Get the fucker. Pick him up!

(WHIMPERS)Put him against the fucking wall. Oi. Oi, oi, oi, oi.

Why are you spraying outrageous lies

about the size of my dick in silver fucking paint on bridges, man?

What makes you think it was me?

Because you fucking... Look at your hand. You stupid...(WHIMPERS)

You haven't even fucking cleaned 'em, you tit.

Not my teeth, not my teeth. I've just had my teeth done.

(NASAL) Look. They're pearly white! TOMMO: One more time.

Why have you been spraying...

Egh...I am gonna say minor untruths...Dude!

..about his manhood all over town?

Cos I wanted to get his attention. Why couldn't you

have just fucking belled me up? Because you would've said,

"Fuck off, you boss-eyed cunt".

Get the fuck in there, put the kettle on, right now.

Do you like my teeth. They're overwhelming.

They make you look unapproachable. There's a job come my way.

Big money, low risk.

(LISPING) But I'm essentially a one-man band, I move fast and loose.

Take the teeth out. Your spitting everywhere.

We want the news, not the bloody weather.Are they fake?

Know what I mean? Yeah, they're fucking clip in's look!

(LAUGHS) Fucking hell. Just tell us about the fucking job!

Car transporter.

Six brand new cars, estimated value 70K each.

I've got an inside man, details on route,

how to release the cars, how to turn off the trackers,

the works, BUT...

it has to happen this weekend. Why's it got to happen this weekend?

Because it's when my inside man delivers.

Don't worry, he won't put up a fight,

because he's my uncle's brother.

'It'll just be like a normal run. Cars being taken from the factory

'to the depot. We'll have some Damsels in distress.

'My uncle's bruv, decent type, he'll pull over to help.

'We pretend to grab him, slap him about a bit,

'just for effect. He'll give us the encrypted fobs

'to release the cars. And we fuck off into the sunset.

(TYRES SCREECH) 'Well, to your mate JJ's anyway.'

Your Uncle's brother?

That's your dad, you fucking eejit.

Yeah, hang on, hang on. What's his cut then?

Ten percent.Never mind his shagging cut. What's your cut?

Fifty. Fifty!(LAUGHS)

Fuck me. All right. Name your price.

Seventy percent. Fifty-fifty.

But the brother's taking ten.

All right, fifty-fifty of the ninety.

Sixty-five, thirty-five and I'm not pissing around.

You can ask any of these, I don't fucking budge on this kind of shit.

Sixty-two, thirty-eight.

Oh, that's a complicated sum. Can't work that out.

Oh, just fuck it. All right. Just-Just-Just-Just...

By the way, where's Dylan?

(DUBIOUS MUSIC) He's on holiday.

Adyan Khan, Vin? Yeah.

Oh, that boss eyed, c- Jim!

Sausage. Yeah, he's had 'em fixed.

Well, he tried to have 'em fixed, they're still fucked.

Your mam want to sex him up, you know.Oh, God.

I don't want involving, because if I go to jail at my age,

they'll have me as someone's fucking bitch.

Go on. I've got this far in life...

Right, go on. ..without taking it up the wrongun.

Quick. I have no intention of starting now.

Right, Jim! You can't say things like that anymore.

Oh, that's right, cancel me.

It's got so you can't say fucking anything these days. (INHALES)

Bloody Woke Wendy and the Snowflake Brigade.

Wanting us all to moisturise... (SIGHS)

(VOICE QUIVERS) ..and-and-and-and cry...

(SNIFFLES) ..at films.

(PRETENDS TO SOB) Liking breasts is not a crime

and I'm getting that on a fucking T-shirt.

OK. (COCKEREL CROWS)

Oi, you fucking cunt. Get the fuck out of my barn.

(LAUGHS) If it isn't Tiny Dick.

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha. You all right, Goldie locks,

with your stupid fucking hair. Shagging pigs at night

and sleeping with sex dolls. You're a fuckwit, dude. Fuck off.

Has your friend turned up yet?

No. Got in over his head, apparently.

Dead, I'm hearing. Buried under that new build on Cringle Common.

Why don't you shut your stupid face, you stupid blonde prick.

Yeah, go on. Fuck off out of here.

Sorry...hormones.

Oi, don't listen to a fucking word he says.

He was in a dangerous place, but a mate of ours

got there in time.

(DYLAN PANTS) MANOLITO: 'The McDonagh's took him.'

They might have killed him, Vinnie. They are psychopaths.

And he's all right now. I mean, he's only staying away

cos he has to, love. Yeah.

Right, tell us about this robbery. What do you want us to do?

# THE HEAVY: What Makes A Good Man #

And...there she blows. Let Vinnie know.

T-Transporter in vision - over. (RADIO CLICKS)

Oh, that's a kestrel that, in't it? Kestrel, there we go. Yeah.

(TRANSPORTER ROARS) A fine bird.

Go on, run!

Ooh. All right, ladies, there a problem?

You know, to be honest with you, I didn't expect your uncle's brother

to be an old white bloke. Didn't expect it.Kulvinder?

Mm.He's not. Ooh...

Then, Houston, we have a problem. You fucking what?

What? (GRUNTS)

Oh, fucking fuck. Wrrrong personage, over.

Fucking nose, dude. Whoa! Oh!

(WOMEN GROAN) Give us the key fobs now?

What's this? What's this? Oh, that was hard.Ow, that hurt.

Fobs! Encrypted fobs. (ERIN LAUGHS)

Good actor, isn't he? Is this a robbery?

Yes, it is, it's a... Yeah. Oi!That's not me uncle's brother.

What are they saying? What are they saying?Wrong dude.

That's not him. It's not his uncle's fucking brother.

Who's uncle's brother? That's not him.

I told you, you cannot trust the boss-eyed.

Who the fuck are you? I'm Eddie Braithwaite.

Where's Kulvinder? He's got gut rot,

doubled over, I filled in last minute.ERIN: Oh, God.

ASHLEY: Shut up! Shut up, you!

Adyan, you fucked us right up the arse.

For crying out loud. Why did I get punished?

Listen, we're not bad people, we really don't wanna hurt you,

we need the fucking fobs, right now!!

Yeah. And then we can get on our way.

Give us the key fobs! OK. Just...

Give us the fucking key fobs. Now.Release my hand.

Oh. Thank you. (GRUNTS)

Are you three in on this? ALL: Yes.

(THUMPS LORRY) Encrypted fobs. All right, no need for the song

and dance, if you want the key fobs then you can...

(SCREAMS) No, no, no, no.

(GRUNTING AND GURGLING)

Oh, fuck!

Now we can't get the fucking cars off the back of the shagging wagon,

what we meant to do now? Let's just go home, forget about it.

What goes in, must come out. You're gonna crap them fobs out.

TOMMO: Fuck! Ah...hang on.Fuck sake.

Why do we have to fuck every single thing up.

Someone get in the vehicle, a vehicle of any kind.

You are coming with us. Let's take it to Chinese Dan's.

(CASH REGISTER DINGS) Ten percent.

(EXCLAIMS) Ten for fuck...

I'm only asking you keep 'em for 24 hours.

Mm...Maybe 48. 48?

Six hot motors. I'm taking a tall risk here, Vincent.

Fifteen. Five is what you can have.

Five? That hurts. (SIGHS) Ah, fucking does my head in.

Twelve and that's me going out on a limb.

Look at lobster hand on him. Listen, you started off

with fucking ten. Didn't you, eh? All right, ten then.

Yes. Done.

Very good negotiation there, well done.

Yeah, back to square one, in't it. Oh, you've fucking done me again,

you cunt. Can I interest you in some togas?

Fancy dress shop went bump, I've got all sorts.

Got pirates, scooby doos, Snowy White, seven dwarfs.

What the fucks he looking at me for?

Have you any bloody swag bags and a dark mask,

cos it'd fucking suit you, you robbing cunt.

(LAUGHS) Ooh.

Get out of it. Fuck's sake.

You knob. (PHONE RINGS OUT)

(SUCKS ON VAPE PEN) JJ?

(ON PHONE) 'Them cars are in-situ, ready to go now, love.'

Yeah. How long's it gonna take him to shit out them fobs?

Don't worry about it, I'm a man with a plan. See you in a bit.

Right, now give over shagging that wagon. Get down!

DR CHRIS: Super strength laxatives? VINNIE: For fucks... Yes!

For unblocking your bum when you need a- I know what they're for,

but what's he doing here?

You're incriminating me in some illegal, fucking-

Oh, give over. Like you've never been and fucking committed a crime.

Look, I'll give you free weed for a month.

And that is a lot of cannabis.

Two. You are a fucking piece of work.

Done. Fucker!

Put that down.I can't hear my heart, has it stopped?

Probably, you look clinically dead.

Listen, those fobs that you've eaten.

They've gone down your oesophagus, into your stomach

where strong acids are battling to dissolve them.

Now, what it can't dissolve, it'll push it down

and try and expel it through your stool.

The problem is, if there's a snag. Snag?

It often gets snagged.

I had a coffee enema once, there was stuff coming out of that

I hadn't eaten since the late '80s.

How long is it gonna be before we're reunited

with these bloody fobs, here, man? 24 hours, minimum.

Fuck me. Fucking hell. Right, well listen,

we're keeping a fucking eye on this knobhead.

You don't leave our sight, you! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I've got to be places. (PANTS)

I'm a good judge of character and you seem like a kind man.Mm.

You've picked the worst possible weekend to kidnap me.

Right. I've made all sorts of commitments,

I'm gonna let everybody down. He's a worrier. You're a worrier.

Give over worrying now. Listen, we'll look after you.

I need you to go and stick that up your bum, dead quick...

(SIGHS)..and tell us what you're meant to be doing.

First things first, I've got me twins birthday tomorrow.

Nine years old and I oof... and I'm sorting the whole thing-

Your twins' birthday, 9 years old? What? Do you think

we were born yesterday. Trying to play the fucking sympathy card.

(PHONE CLICKING)Oi, how the fuck has he still got this?

(ON VOICEMAIL)'I can't wait for our birthday party.' 'Dad, when are you home?'

There we go, got kids. How have you got that? Get off it.

Here. Right. So we've got Birthdays.

What else have we got? Charity darts match, tonight.

(SCOFFS) You can forget that your fucking missing it.

It's for kids with spina bifida. (TUTS, GROANS)

Bullseye theme, 7 o'clock, Coach and Horses.

What the fuck is bulls eye?

Jim Bowen, you know, "Smashing, great, superb".

Fucking darts! Fat-wristed men and women, playing fucking darts,

that was entertainment back then. (AS BOWEN) "One hundred and eighty."

"Let's have a look at what you would've won."Well, I'm Bully.

Star of the show. TOMMO: The star of the show.

Oh, lovely, get the fuck on with it, what else you got?

I've got to move my cousin's barge. Oh, barge, me bollocks.

That's not urgent like? Not urgent?

He's in Marbella, he's lent us the boat,

I've left it on a temporary mooring. If I don't shift it by tonight,

one thousand pounds fine. That's fucking dear, in't it.

We'll accompany you to all these different events.

(SIGHS) For fuck sake. We have to, don't we.

Until he craps out these shagging fobs.

Let them laxatives kick in. (SUGAR AND CAROL GROAN)

Go with the flow of things and everything's gonna be all right.

(PHONE RINGS)I promise. Oh, guys... It's Brian Kennerley.

Brian Kennerley, why does that ring a bell, that?

# LINK RAY: Rumble #

(ECHOING) What the fuck?

What the fuck?!

We nicked his mother's coffin. Oh, yeah, we did, didn't we.

How do you know him? He's my boss. Terrible man.

He'll know the cars haven't been delivered

and probably call the police. Shit, you'd better answer.

Tell him you've been fucking delayed and that.

Ey up, Brian, everything OK?

No, everything's not fucking OK.

Why aren't the motors there? There's been a d-delay.

Funny story actually.

(HUSHED) Why'd I say funny story? What's the funny story?

Cows on the motorway.Cows on the- I had to stop to help a nun.

Oh, my God. 'I don't give a shit about a nun.'

What your ETA? Vague, very vague, very vague.

Yeah, good, thank you.

Very close now.Yeah. Making good headway.

Well, I'm fucking off home, cause it's my fucking anniversary

but Carlton's waiting at the depot,

he's going to tell me when you get there.

'Comprende, bellend?'

Yes, comprende. Parlez vous.

No code. Fuck, that's a problem.

That's a fucking problem. Shit.

Can-Can we get to this bloody Carlton?

Not a chance. He's in a secure compound

and they don't open the gates until I arrive.

We'll need to get to one of them or we're fucked.

Right, fuck it. Kennerley's it is, then. Yeah?

Right, split up. Come on. It's all right.

# THE SPENCER DAVIS GROUP: Gimme Some Lovin' #

(ENGINE REVS)

(TYRES SCREECH) (HAND BRAKE CRANKS)

What you stopping for? Because Brian Kennerley's house

is gonna have CCTV, fucking doorbell cameras,

the works. So, you gaff the licence plates

and you, sir, go and grab the masks. Onwards!

# Well, my temperature's rising And my feet on the floor

# Crazy people knocking... # Right, here's what where gonna do.

We'll look round the back, check out the occupants,

work out their location and make an informed plan of attack.

Or we can go through the front door, I brought pepper spray.

What have I said about pepper spray? I can't be trusted with it.

Right. Get on. (TYRES SCREECH)

EDDIE: State of this outfit. There's nowt wrong with it.

It's got holes in the gusset. Shut up and put your lid on.

How many people have been wearing this? Stinks of BO.

(CRIES OUT)

SUGAR: I don't like this, it feels creepy.Bat Boy.

Is it fuck creepy. Fuck's sake lads.

There's an Ocado box out front, it's as middle class as fuck.

Yeah. But what if he catches us?

Him and his wife won Cunt Couple Of The Year 3 years running.

You know that's not a real thing, don't you?(ASHLEY CAWS)

Just as well, be a fucking tight competition.

Jesus, I hope that Brian doesn't know

my Cardi fell on his dead mother's boob.

CARDI: (GRUNTS) Jesus, I think one of her boobs just popped.

And he's been frigging himself off to it ever since.(ASHLEY LAUGHS)

Right then, Patrick, what category?

Places please, Jim. Places, right.

Brenda, Places.

Take your time.

Where's my money, Eddie? (MUFFLED) Oh, Benny... (CHUCKLES)

Moo. Never mind fucking "Moo",

I want that 500. Tonight.

I'm doing this, aren't I. Tonight. No bullshit.

Yeah, yeah, I promise. Promise.

Bully. Oh...

D-I-S-C...

This is great.

I wonder if you can get old episodes on YouTube?

(MIMICS) "This is great". Let's get fuck...

Do not YouTube that kind of boring shit.

(ERIN LAUGHS)Who the fuck would YouTube sommat like that?

EDDIE: Hello, Arthur, um... I've got a favour to ask you, mate.

Come with me for a sec. BOWEN: Carol, your turn coming up.

What you hoping for? Books?

(CRIME DRAMA MUSIC)

SUGAR: I hope he's making her a nice anniversary dinner.

Maybe's it's take out, you know. No, they're most likely upstairs,

togs on, taxi ordered. CAROL: Ah, very romantic.

I feel bad we have to restrain and incarcerate them.

I know, I love anniversaries.

Flowers, presents, cards with lovely words in 'em.

You know, just like being in love. ASHLEY: It's romantic.

It's a celebration, in't it? All right, Chatty Cathy,

is the doors open?

(EROTIC MUSIC) (MOANING)

Bad Brian. Bad, bad Brian.

Bad...

Brian?! Hey!

(SCREAMS) Who the fuck are you fuckers?

Get him! (TOMMO CRIES OUT)

Get the woman. She's pregnant.

Get her gently. (SPRAY HISSING)

Right. (BRIAN COUGHS)

(SCREAMS, CHOKES) Ah, not my eyes.

Whoa! Who the fuck are you?!

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Honestly, there's nothing to fear.

Come any closer and someone gets fucking whacked.

Don't be scared, please. Look, I'm pregnant too.

We don't want that baby getting stressed.Settle, petal.

We're just here for a little tete-a-tete

with you and your husband. Husband? He's not my husband.

I live next door. ASHLEY: (FAINTLY) My arm!

What? Where the fuck's his wife then?

(PANTING) With her sister, she'll be back about eleven.

(GASPS) Spicy. Oh...yeah.

Right, Geography.

(MIC WHINES) That's your subject. Are you enjoying yourself?

All the Is... Reminds me of my dad, this.

Used to watch it with him when we were kids.

Useless wanker.

Reminds me of Dylan, we used to get stoned and laugh

at Jim Bowen's Farahs. (BOTH LAUGH)

BOWEN: Right. Right, Carol. You nervous?

I fucking blame myself, you know.

For all that shit with the McDonaghs and Dylan.

It's my bloody fault. It's not your fault, Vin.

Right, Dylan has got a brilliant mind,

he could've done a million things,

but he decided to stay with you and dick around.

It's not your fault.

Perhaps, he thought he could do better somewhere else.

(SIGHS) Well, at least we know he's alive, eh.

Mm.

All them fucking posters,

you know and just a couple of vague texts...Mm.

What's that all about, where the fuck is he?

He's probably scared, Vin? I mean...

I know what that's like.

I just want me friend back. BOWEN: Right, so...

here's the geography question:

in which country

is the Orinoco River located?

Mozambique?

I'm afraid not, no.

Bully.

Bully? What's he doing?

Bully! It's incorrect, Bully!

What's going on? Summat's not right.

What the bloody... His shoes.

He's got different fucking shoes on. Never mind his shoes.

Size of Frodo Shaggings. Get over here.

Who the fuck are you? You're not Eddie?

Arthur. He shot out the back door.

(MUFFLED) He offered me a pint. (ENERGETIC MUSIC)

Fucker! (HIGH-PITCHED) Eddie?!

Shit!

(MAN GRUNTS IN PAIN)

Evening.

Anyone win the speed boat? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

# DUSTY SPRINGFIELD: The Look Of Love #

So, let me just get this straight, right. You...

(CLEARS THROAT) Have a bit of respect.

All right, fucking hell. Uh...You, right,

you live next door, with your- My husband.

Husband, your husband, right. And you, sir, happily married,

yet you are ploughing this particular field,

despite the fact, or-or because of the fact,

that she is eight months pregnant. Eight and a half.

Eight and half.Do you know what you're having?A boy.

Oh, my God, me too, congrats... (ASHLEY CLEARS THROAT)

We thought it was your anniversary. It is. Mine and hers.

Ah, babe. Hang on...

how long's that been going on? Tell her fuck all.

Two years. TOMMO: Right, so that baby,

in there, which you are yet to...

evacuate from yon womb,

uh...that could very well belong to either of these men.

What the fuck's it got to do with you?

Just interesting. It's interesting. Could be, yes.

You should be ashamed of yourselves, the pair of youse, so you should be.

Bringing a baby into this scenario.

This is worse than what happened to Aunt Dedra.Dedra.

And that was her colonoscopy doctor. Colonoscopy doctor

Hang on a minute. You fuckers break in here,

into my house, you tie us up

and then you fucking stand there fucking moralising?!

I mean, who the fuck are you, eh? What do you want? Money?

(AS BATMAN) Hey, keep your goddamn voice down.

Ashley don't do the voice, love, you sound unhinged.

All we want is your phone, which we already have.

So, open it, please.

(GRUNTING) Open it. Open it.

Open it. (PHONE BEEPS)

Oh, fuck.

I'll stand down Carlton.

Right, can we-can we all just take a deep breath.

We're here simply to keep you two company.

And then-And then, we will uh...disappear,

like puffs of smoke, into the night from wence we came.

Help! Help! Shush!

Help! Shut up!

We're triple glazed, it's state of the art glass.

Please, let me free, for the sake of the baby.

I can't be here when his wife gets home.

ALL: Oh! Fucking shite.

Yeah. (SIGHS)

Uh... She ha-She has...She has... got a point though, hasn't she?

If the wife comes home, it'll be a like a fucking episode

of Jerry Springer or sommat. Hell hath no fury

like a woman who comes home to find out that her husband's knocked up

the younger, fitter, hotter next door neighbour. (LAUGHS)

So, so, so...here's my plan. Mm.

We put them both in my fuck truck, we take 'em out for a spin

then when we get the signal, we drop 'em off and leave them

with their own fucking emotional car crash.Emotional car crash.

Yeah!Yeah. I agree. Nice one.

VINNIE: Fuck me, this was meant to be a piece of piss job

now we are moving a fucking barge. When is he gonna need a poo?

You know what I mean. You lot been on a barging holiday?

No. No, looks shit.

I'm not a beach man myself. Went to Benalmadena once,

got bit by a jellyfish. You mean stung?

No, no, bit, took a chunk out of my arm.

(SIGHS) I said to the kids "Me and abroad we're finished". (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, you'll be hard pressed to find a more relaxing holiday, than this.

Ah, see! She's a beauty, isn't she.

Right, you lot have a look downstairs and I'll er...

I'll sort out the ropes. Hey, keep your fucking eye on him.

It's like a little house. Only t-t-tiny.

(LAUGHS) Fucking hell. Look at the size.

It's big when you get inside, in't it.Yeah.

Do you know what I'm thinking. What?

This'd be a bloody good location for the Manolito weed grow, wouldn't it.

On a barge? Yeah. On a bar...

I mean, Christ it's inconspicuous, you know what I mean?

It's fucking big enough, every other week, we could just shift it.

No-one's gonna catch us on this. Vin...

Mm-hm. You're not thinking big enough.

Ah-ha? Why don't we expanded our business.

Online: resins, edibles, fucking...

micro-dosing. What's that mean?

Little capsules with magic mushrooms or LSD.

Yeah. Like a f-f-fun sized Mars bar.

Yes. Fucking hell, they're good fun, but you've gotta get 'em right.

Listen, I can't screw over Manolito,

all right, not after saving Dylan from the MacDonaghs.

No, I'm not-I'm not saying screw him over, I'm saying

grow for him, yeah, but do our own sideline thing.

And at college I learned how to set up web pages, secure links.

Did you? Yes.

(BARGE CREAKS) (TUTS)

How long have you been thinking about all this?

A while. And obviously, cos of what happened with Dylan,

we'd need to keep everything... Zipped!

Agreed? Mm-hm.Agreed.

Mm-hm. (SIGHS)

Agreed. You get on my nerves, you.

(ENGINE STARTING) EDDIE: All crew to starboard.

That's it, don't be shy.

Give it a good hard push and away we go.

That's it, one more. Go on, one more.

That's it. Right, get yourself down here and undo them now.

(ENGINE CHUGGING) What you like at knots, Vinnie?

Yeah, uh...I don't know. Just... That's it.

Undo the thing.

Get that one undone, there. That's it.This?

That's the one, through the hole. We going round-

Throw that on the side. It's a fucking disaster

down here, man. (ENGINE REVS)

Here you are. Here you are. It's getting tighter.

It's this bit here. You're making it tighter.

It's this... Whoa, whoa.

Oi, oi, oi! Fuck! Won't be a sec.

What? Just gonna get this round here.

Are you fucking running away? Turning it round.

Are you? They need to come onto the-

That's it. Ooh, watch the cap! What cap?

(SCREAMS) (WATER SPLASHES)

(SOFTLY) Shit! I'm drowning.

Help! Well, fucking swim then.

I'm drowning. (SHUDDERS) Ah, he'll be all right.

Come on. Cardi, it's shallow. Stand up.

What? Stand up!

Stand up! Oh, yeah. (LAUGHS)

Oi. What the fuck?

Eddie? You fucking promised you wouldn't do this.

Yeah, well, you underestimated Eddie Braithwaite.

I'm smarter than the average bear.

(TUTS) Edward?!

Right, come on, get up. Let's get your hands, get you out.

Help! I mean, I can't...I won't...

Save yourselves. Pull him up.

Eh, now who's the idiot? You're a fucking idiot!

Dude, you're making a low-speed getaway on a fucking barge,

we're neck and neck.Yeah, but you can't reach me, can you.

I'm free. (MUFFLED) Fuck's sake.

I'm gonna get blamed for this, I know I am.

I was the driver in charge of that truck, and I had the motive.

What motive?

You shouldn't steal, you know, did your parents never tell you?

No, and as a result, I'm now an extremely professional thief.

Edward, listen to me, man.

There's no way we're gonna let you get in trouble for any of this shit.

Why me? Why today?

I try and help out, try and do the right thing.

I try and earn extra money when Kulvinder gets gut rot

and where does it get me? I know, dude, listen,

Eddie, I'm fucking sorry, man. It does, it sucks.

(TEARFULLY) I'm such a failure. No, you're not.

Everything keeps going wrong. Dude, you're not a failure, man.

I try and bring the kids up right, I try and do the right thing,

but life keeps shitting all over me.

All right, now, now, listen to me, now.

That's enough. You're over getting yourself.

Just pull in,

let's put a cup of tea on, right,

and-and we'll sort out the party.

Put it in neutral. Come on, pull in, love.

Here you go, pal. Ah.Get warmed up, you.

EDDIE: I've messed up, Vinnie.

I'm ashamed to admit it.

I... (SIGHS)

I've got a problem.

It's these apps.

(SIGHS) They're just too easy.

Every bored minute I'm on 'em,

horseracing, roulette, football.

I've... (EXHALES)

I haven't picked the right Christmas number one for 17 years running

and it hasn't fucking snowed. (TUTS) Christ.

I mean, how deep in are you?

Thousands. Christ.

I owe people money and I'm borrowing from Peter to pay Paul,

but now Peter wants his 500 quid.

Well, it's...Benny Buckley, actually.

He was the fella in the pub, that's why I had to run.

(TUTS) Oh. (SIGHS)

And so, you can't go home because...

I've promised the wife I've sorted the kids' birthday parties.

We've got 40 kids turning up tomorrow,

twenty each, I've told them it's all sorted

and organised and paid for.

How the fuck did you think you'd get away with all this shit?

Kilimanjaro's Bucket, 3:30 at Aintree.

Dirty Barry at work gave me a tip.

Said it was a dead cert, knows the trainer.

Right, and let me guess... it's fucking lost, hasn't it.

Well I don't know, do I. Because I was about to pull over

and put the bet on, when you lot flagged me down.

I'll tell you what I'll do, save you a fucking job, hang fire.

It'll have lost, won't it.

Eh, your fucking track record. It'll have lost.

And so would your money have been. Here we go.

Mm.

Did very well. It won, didn't it.

Yeah. Fucking hell.

You see this is the thing about being a gambler.

You rely on these occasional wins to cancel out some of your losses.

Look, man, you need to get help for this gambling.

It's fucking insane. All this bullshit we've been through.

I swear to God, if you carry on the way you have been doing,

your gonna lose everything? Oh, come on. What am I gonna do?

My kids are gonna know I've let 'em down and...

I'm on a final warning with Maria.

You said "parties". Plural.

Have you promised them one each?

Me son wants a football party with goals

and a referee and corner flags, and the little princess wants

a ghosts and ghouls party. I've said there was gonna be food

and goody bags, the whole shebang.

I mean, we can sort this out, I think.

I mean, honestly, mate, I feel as responsible as you do.

I'm gonna see to it, me and this lot,

that them kids have the best fucking birthday party

they've ever had in their lives.

(DUBIOUS MUSIC) Yeah.

Have you ever robbed owt?

Right.

WAIT until I get to the van,

I'll give you a signal, then dash 'em over.

(SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT)

(UNDER BREATH) Get back in your box, that's it. Fuck the fuck off.

I've got a 10" inch dildo in here with your name on it, Maureen,

go back to your Chianti.

And... (KEYS JINGLE)

(HUSHED) Go. Go. Go. Go.

Go. (GRUNTS)

Shh. Get your fucking hands off me.

(ALL SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER) You are dead, you fuckers!

(HUSHES) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Mrs Manford!

(PLASTIC BAG RUSTLES)

Mrs Manford!

Superior sound proofing. Mrs Man-

Mrs Man... (WATER SPLASHES, TRICKLES)

(GASPS) It's a brand new rug that, and all.

# CAPTAIN BEEFHEART & HIS MAGIC BAND: Zig-Zag Wanderer #

(HANDBRAKE CRANKS)

I've got it.

Go. You go.

Oh, God.

Your fucking lights on strobe.

Cunt.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Ah...shit.

There you go. ERIN: What you on about?

Toga. That's yoga, Calvin.

We want togas. Fancy dress.

Oh... Oh, that's aisle three.

So...you there. There.

Two, one, go. (GRUNTS)

(ALL GRUNTING)

(ANDREA SCREAMING) CAROL: How long?

Sixty-six seconds. Oh shit, that's short.

This is very quick now, for a first child.

It's coming, I need the hospital.

OK. Let me down the business front.

I need to see how far she's dilated. (WHIMPERING)

It's OK, it's OK, no worries, I used to be a nurse.

In a porno. A fucking porno?

Eager beavers, Vol- Don't TELL him!

It's unavailable. I wouldn't even try it.

I had the devil's own job trying to get hold of a copy. (LAUGHS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS) Christ, it's heavy this? Dude, roll it.

It's on fucking rollers, it's on wheels.

You having fun? Yeah, lads, it's great, in't it.

(LAUGHS) (ENGINE REVS)

(SEWING MACHINE WHIRS)

(SCREAMING DROWNS SPEECH)

(SUGAR SCREAMS) Something's happening down there.

Jesus Christ. Lads, go on... huh, huh.Force it out.

My twins aren't getting married, Vin. Get that in there.

Come on, you pig!

(ANDREA SCREAMS) CAROL: Push down!

Good girl, keep it going for now. That's excellent, go on.

(RETCHES) (LAUGHS) Are you all right, there?

Vaginas are mystic, complex creatures.(SCREAMS)

You should get down here, Sugar, see what's coming towards you

in the next few months. No, thank you.

Come on, you too, Tommo. He's not looking!

No, no, no, no... Listen, no offence or anything,

you know, I'm all for the start of the process,

but this end of things... (LAUGHS) I leave it to the professionals, me.

Oh, Christ Almighty, there's a fucking head!

(ALL SCREAM) (CHAINS JINGLE)

Fucking help her then, you bellend.

(ALL SCREAM) Oh, my God.

The things I get roped into. Very well done. Good.

All right. You've got uh...

It's all right, it's... (RETCHES) (SCREAMING)

(ASHLEY CRIES OUT) Breathe. Brea... Oh.

Breathe. Push. Push! (SPLASHING)

(CRIES OUT) (LAUGHS)

It's all right, Tommo, it's all natural.

It's no worse than bull jizz.

Oh. (SOFT MUSIC)

A beautiful boy! (BABY FUSSING)

He's absolutely gorgeous.

(ASHLEY GASPS)

It's in my mouth. (GURGLES)

How we gonna cut the umbiblical cord?

(SPLUTTERS)Could someone not have brought the scissors to me?

I want you to know, I was born from an illicit affair

and I never knew my real father, so I want you to stay

in that boy's life, always show him love and care, OK?

I will. Course I will.

# SNOW PATROL: You Could Be Happy #

Now what do we do with this?

Clamp a two-finger width from the baby's body.

Push the blood out.

(GRUNTS) That's it. Then another two fingers,

place the second clamp. There we go.

Now cut in between.

(FLESHY SQUELCH) (GASPS)

I do think now though, she needs go to the hospital, Carol.

Ah, nonsense. In Ireland, I've known babies be born in the pub

then the mother gets up and has another pint.It's true.

Look at him Brian. He's so gorgeous.

I love him already. (CHUCKLES)

We made that.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

What the fuck's going on here?!

# GNARLS BARKLEY: Run (I'm A Natural Disaster) #

# Yeah, it's still the same, Can't you feel the pain?

# When the needle hits the vein, ain't nothing like the real thing

# Run! #

CHILDREN: Mum, Dad! Wake up!

Wake up! Wake Up! (EDDIE AND MARIA GROAN)

Happy birthday, darlings.

# Who were you To ask for anything more?

(SNORING)

# Do you wait For your dancing lessons

# To be sent from God?

# You'd like His light To shine on you... #

(PHONE RINGS)

# You've really missed a trick... #

What...the...

(GRUNTS) Fuck.

(GRUNTS) Hello.

EDDIE: (ON PHONE) 'We're coming out. I want you to see their faces.'

OK. He-Hey...Hey...

Where the hell are you taking us? Eh.

Who are all these people? Don't worry.

Stop judging by their looks. They're with me.

ALL: Whoa... Here we go!

There you go! (CHEERING)

For Darren, a football party.

And for the little princess, ghosts and ghouls!

Eddie, you've done amazing. I'm so proud of you.

DARREN: Ah, Dad! Come here.

You're the best! ALL: Woo!

(LAUGHTER)

Ooh... (GUT GURGLES)

(GROANS) I'm gonna shit myself.

Yes. Go on, Ed. Yes, go and get it done, dude.

(FARTS) I am not gonna make it. You crap the shite

out of them fobs, dude. Come on. Sick.

(FARTING)

(FARTING, GROANING)

(SPLATTERING) Oh...

so unfortunate. (MACHINE BEEPS)

(MACHINE CHIMES) (ALL CHEERING)

# BAND OF SKULLS: I Know What I Am # # High, ho, triple salchow

# I got a feeling like a tidal flow

# But I know what I am, They know what they are

# So let me be Gasoline, Saccharine

# I got no reason For the state I'm in... #

Oh, you beauty.

# Hotel, Taco Bell

# I got the hit That you know damn well

# But I know what I am, They know what they are

# So let me be Cut teeth, better believe

# I got a feeling That I'm underneath

# But I know what I am, They know what they are

# So let me be... #

(TYRES SCREECH)

(BOTH SCREAM HAPPILY) Come on!

Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

(KEYS JINGLE)

(TEARFULLY) Police? I've been kidnapped and robbed.

Help me!

# THE STAPLE SINGERS: The Weight #

# I pulled into Nazareth

# I was feelin' about half past dead

# I just needed some place

# Where I could lay my head

# "Hey, mister, can you tell me

# "Where I can might find a bed?"

# He just grinned and shook my hand

# And, "No" was all he said

# Take a load off, Fanny... #

Now then, Dyldo...

just finished a job. That didn't go well.

(CHUCKLES) As per the usual.

I just fucking miss you, man, wherever you are.

Just look after yourself.

(EERIE MUSIC) (MIC WHINES)

If you know what is good for you,

you will leave right now.

TOMMO: Mm...

So glad you could come.

Who the fuck steals a coffin?

Not mentally stable, is he? Correct.

Oh, well done, dickhead, now it's all over the floor

of a sacred vehicle. Fuck off!

Yeah, pfft...no.

(GRUNTING)

Where's that fucking body? The time for farting around

is very much over. Whitney Houston, we got a problem.

(ALL SHOUTING) Oh, fuck.

# SIR JOE QUARTERMAN & FREE SOUL: I've Got So Much Trouble In My Mind #

Cheers.

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