Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language

from the outset and throughout.

OK, I've got it... he's a Rufus.

Can't call him Rufus, it's a dick's name.

Can't call him Rufus, it's a dick's name.

Rufus, they have fucking kayaks, and they have sex to jazz and that.

I shagged the life out of a Rufus once,

and he had a National Trust pass. It was a desperate scenario.

And he had a National Trust pass. It was a desperate scenario.

Y'know I don't think you should be giving him a name, now.

Because you're gonna have to be giving him away?

I'm terribly attached to the bastard.

I'm terribly attached to the bastard.

Like this knob head here, that never puts his phone down.

I'm just checking the baby monitor, alright,

because last time Liz babysit Sunny she let him watch the Exorcist!

Because last time Liz babysit Sunny she let him watch the Exorcist!

She is fucking... He was asleep though!

It all goes in Sugar. Via osmosis. I've got osmosis with him.

I wanna protect him

I wanna protect him

from the awfulness in this world, it can be a shocking place out there.

It is, it is bad... Hello everybody!

Oh my fucking... Wow. (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Oh my fucking... Wow. (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

♪ BARRETT STRONG: Money ♪

♪ The best things in life are free

♪ The best things in life are free

♪ But you can give them to the birds and bees

♪ I need money... ♪

TOMMO: Free fucking cocktails?

Clive?

Cheating fucking bastard wanker dickhead!

Clive! Clifford!

Clive! Clifford!

Where is he? Fucking hell.

Sorry mate, Clive! Clifford!

Why you here, eh? Why aren't you at the Rat & Cutter?

Why you here, eh? Why aren't you at the Rat & Cutter?

Sorry Tommo, this place is just a bit classier, innit?

Class-Classier? Into classy now, are ya?

They don't water down their drinks! Water down?!

They don't water down their drinks! Water down?!

Course they fucking water... Everyone waters down the drink.

Hmm. See?

Bloody hell. Look, Clive, you know full well,

Bloody hell. Look, Clive, you know full well,

that me son's invested in me club. I need it to thrive, Clive!

Come on, sweetheart. This place will be shut down in a couple of weeks.

Er, actually we won't! So, you're the owner then are ya?

Er, actually we won't! So, you're the owner then are ya?

I am. I am, yeah.

And you run that grotty little... Uh, what's it called?

Rat and Cutter. You know full well. It's two streets down, mate.

That's the bastard. So, what you doing? Checking out the competition?

That's the bastard. So, what you doing? Checking out the competition?

No. I-I was passing by, and I popped in for a piss.

Treat yourself, have a shit while you're here. There'll be a queue.

Treat yourself, have a shit while you're here. There'll be a queue.

Only been open a couple of weeks and we're already scouting

for a second location. Oh, are ya? You're not selling are ya?

Well, that'd be handy for me.

It's an extra quid in a taxi to get here.

It's an extra quid in a taxi to get here.

No, my club is not for sale.

Until I put you out of business, and then you won't have a choice.

(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Fucking say it one more time, mate, go on I dare-Uh, sorry.

Nigel, I'm getting a bit bored.

Who the fuck is Nigel? Alright!

Jesus Chri... Nice to meet ya.

Jesus Chri... Nice to meet ya.

(DRINK SPILLS) Sorry. Get off me ya dickhead!

Jesus Christ. What they paying you in? Fucking steroids?!

Honestly! D-D-Don't go in there!

Honestly! D-D-Don't go in there!

No, they-they're doing fucking cock fighting in the basement!

Not the good kind neither. And-And-And...

Not the good kind neither. And-And-And...

They're fucking selling kids.

Little tiny Sri Lankan orphans. Alright, dickhead!

Go on, fuck off...

Did you forget something this morning, Gid?

Did you forget something this morning, Gid?

Oh God, yeah! Silly me. My fungal cream.

I'll go get it from the... (OVERLAPPING SHOUTS)

Woah, woah, woah.

Woah, woah, woah.

She just means your fucking gear, man. Where are all your clothes?

Oh, no, no, no, this is intentional, Vinnie.Right.

We are eschewing the trappings of late stage capitalist society.

We are eschewing the trappings of late stage capitalist society.

And naturism, i.e, the practice of non-sexual nudity,

is an important tenant in the quest to live a more authentic life.

Is an important tenant in the quest to live a more authentic life.

So, can I just check, is this...

this is like a full-time situation now, in't it?

It's an integral part of the quest, Vin.

What if you go to the dentist, right? And he drops his drill?

Yes? He's gotta bend down, he comes eye to eye with your bellend.

No, lads. You're concentrating on the wrong things.

No, lads. You're concentrating on the wrong things.

Forget about clothes, focus on the freedom.

Gideon, your freedom's winking at me now, love!

Sorry, Carol. (CLEARS THROAT)

Sorry, Carol. (CLEARS THROAT)

We are eschewing late stage capitalism-

Yeah, it's a good speech, but you keep saying 'we'.

Who are these 'we' people? Jon and Judith and everyone else.

Who are these 'we' people? Jon and Judith and everyone else.

And Jon and Judith are...?

Our spiritual guides. I'm-I'm lost now.

You see, we live in a big community.

You see, we live in a big community.

Oh, it's so lovely, Vinnie.

We have no possessions, no phones,

no internet, no underpants.

♪ THE DELFONICS: Didn't I ♪

♪ THE DELFONICS: Didn't I ♪

Hans, dear boy!

How the devil are you? Sehr gut, and you?

How the devil are you? Sehr gut, and you?

Yeah, bloody never sehr gut-ter!

Yeah, the club's so busy in fact

I had to pop out for a quick breather.

Oh, that's fantastic, Dad! There you are!

Oh, that's fantastic, Dad! There you are!

I need a favour. Sorry, Hans.

It's a very demanding customer. I'll have to go.

Listen, whatever it is, the answer is a resounding fuck no.

Listen, whatever it is, the answer is a resounding fuck no.

I'm not doing you any more favours, mate.

Oi, hang on a minute. When have you ever done a favour for me?

Oi, hang on a minute. When have you ever done a favour for me?

You ungrateful cunt. How's about lending you my beard trimmer.

Eh? Oh, this again. Yes, this again.

Yeah, under the strict proviso that you'll not use it

on your scrotal regions. And what did you do Jim?

On your scrotal regions. And what did you do Jim?

What did you... Go on, eh? Shaved my ballbag beard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dirty little old man pubes, gumming up the mechanism.

Listen right, my nephew's staying with me...

Listen right, my nephew's staying with me...

Didn't know you had a nephew.

There's lots you don't know about me,

I'm an enigma. You're not an enigma, Jim,

I'm an enigma. You're not an enigma, Jim,

you're just a man who smells very strongly of corned beef.

Look, he's lost his job and his self respect.

Stop following me. I thought it could be...

Stop following me. I thought it could be...

mutually beneficial, I help snap him out of his funk

and he helps me around the farm.

But he needs a proper job, and that's where you come in.

But he needs a proper job, and that's where you come in.

Oi, soppy cunt!

Get over here and meet your new boss!

(QUIETLY) Fucking hell mate.

Hang on, is that who I think it is?

(MELLOW, SENSUAL MUSIC) (MOANING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Who's that interrupting my decompression time, Carlos?

Who's that interrupting my decompression time, Carlos?

It says 'MC Cann'.

Is it a rapper?

MC Cann...?

MC Cann...?

Terence McCann. Shit!

From what I hear...

You've moved in on Manolito's operation, and into his home!

You've moved in on Manolito's operation, and into his home!

You're sleeping in his fucking bed!

Beds plural, we don't share.

Let's cut the shit.

Let's cut the shit.

You killed him, and now you're tryna take over his turf.

Am I fucking warm? Warmer than he is.

We have weed to sell, Mr McCann.

We have weed to sell, Mr McCann.

Lots of it. I don't do business with nobodies.

I think you're forgetting that you're stuck in a tiny box

I think you're forgetting that you're stuck in a tiny box

while we're here, in a mansion.

You're still nobodies.

A whole family of useless fucking scumbags.

Now, you listen to me-

Now, you listen to me-

No, you fucking listen!

If you want me to even contemplate allowing you to sell drugs for me,

you're gonna need to understand who's in charge.

You're gonna need to understand who's in charge.

And I want my statue back.

What statue?

The one I sent Manolito!

The one I sent Manolito!

The one that's very fucking precious to me!

(DISCONNECT TONE) What statue?

(SHOUTS) What fucking statue?! I don't know, Donna.

(SHOUTS) What fucking statue?! I don't know, Donna.

Well, fucking find out!

Giddy? (SLOT MACHINE BEEPING)

Yeah? Can I be honest with you, sweetheart?

Yeah, what?

Yeah, what?

I'm worried about you a little bit.

Oh, Vinnie.

I've told you, don't worry, it's not a cult I've joined.

I've told you, don't worry, it's not a cult I've joined.

We're a community.

We're all people who are... lost somehow.

After Mum died,

After Mum died,

I just stayed in bed all day eating biscuits,

and that's not a good place to be.

And you end up covered in crumbs.

And you end up covered in crumbs.

Dude, why couldn't you have rang me!

Oh, Vinnie, you're me first friend,

and you'll always be me best friend.

You and the gang were amazing with mum's funeral and all,

You and the gang were amazing with mum's funeral and all,

but you had to go back to your own lives, you had to.

And then I were just...

And then I were just...

stuck on me own with Mr Mittens.

I got really down, Vin.

But then I met John and Judith and rest of' gang,

But then I met John and Judith and rest of' gang,

and we just have a brilliant time. We do loads of great activities.

We meditate together.

We meditate together.

They even had me playing the didgeridoo! (CHUCKLES)

Well, till I hyperventilated and had to put me head between me knees.

Did they let you put your pants on for that?

Did they let you put your pants on for that?

(CHUCKLES)

Are they... Are they nice to you?

Jon and Judith? Oh, they're the best.

They're so wise, and kind, and protective.

They're so wise, and kind, and protective.

Protective, hey?

Yeah. I mean they do have a lot of rules.

I shouldn't really be in here.

I shouldn't really be in here.

I told them I was just popping into town to get my fungal cream.

But I'm really glad I did.

It's good to see you, Vin.

It's good to see you, Vin.

It's fucking good to see you too, dude.

Every last bit of you, you bugger.

(QUIETLY) Alright, I mean...

..I've got to go to Dr Chris in the morning.

Can we all meet at that 'commune' thing

and try and figure out what's what?

He's vulnerable in't he?!

He's vulnerable in't he?!

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) Just to make sure he is alright.

TOMMO: Jim, why the fuck did you never tell me

you were related to an actual fucking celebrity!!

You were related to an actual fucking celebrity!!

Celebrity is going a bit far.

Hey dickhead, no, no, this is S-Bomb!

The arcade dancing kid! BTB British champ!

The arcade dancing kid! BTB British champ!

What the fuck is 'BTB'? BOTH: Beat that Beat.

Oh, that gamey thing you used to mince around on.

Oh, that gamey thing you used to mince around on.

When this was an arcade.

It wasn't a game, it was a competitive dance simulator.

(LAUGHS) You tell him S-Bomb.

Actually it's just Scott these days. Right...

Actually it's just Scott these days. Right...

I'm tryna picture it how it was before. Alright, yeah.

I think all the game machines were across here.

I think all the game machines were across here.

And the grabbers, they were over there.

They still are on a good night.

And the air hockey table was here.

No, here.

Which means my machine were...

(ANGELIC MUSIC)

(ANGELIC MUSIC)

And I were over there, in the change booth,

uh, where the bar area is now.

Uh, where the bar area is now.

What? You used to work here, back in the day?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We never actually met, but, uh,

I were a big fan. You know, every fucker were. Jesus Christ.

I were a big fan. You know, every fucker were. Jesus Christ.

I remember the first time I ever saw you in action. Fucking hell.

You were like a young John Travolta...

if Travolta were from Hawley and could dance in a tiny little square.

If Travolta were from Hawley and could dance in a tiny little square.

(SHOES SQUEAKING) (UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC)

While other lads were out fingering anything that moved

and nicking pick n' mix, this one were in here,

and nicking pick n' mix, this one were in here,

putting in some serious graft to overcome the odds

and become an actual fucking legend!

(MUSIC FADES)

Almost a legend.

Almost a legend.

So, you're gonna fucking hire him then, or what?

You bet your nasty, shaved, little scrotum I am, Jimothy!

Because you sir, are exactly what this place needs.

Because you sir, are exactly what this place needs.

(CHUCKLES)

(PHONE CHIMES)

(PHONE CHIMES)

Bollocks. Sandwich Man's cancelling on me again.

I didn't know we were getting food, I'd have ordered a panini!

Can I have a panini-No, no, not food Cardi! The Sandwich man,

Can I have a panini-No, no, not food Cardi! The Sandwich man,

the lad I've been dating. He's been off with me ever since...

I left the used condom in his parents' bedroom.

What is wrong with me, like? Why can't I keep a fella?

What is wrong with me, like? Why can't I keep a fella?

There's nothing wrong with you. Yeah, it's his loss.

Are we even sure this is the r-r-right house?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. I'd say so.

Fuck this lads, I'm not staying in here forever!

What're you doing? Gid's one of us.

I'm gonna go in undercover,

to see if they're ripping him off or not, yeah?

To see if they're ripping him off or not, yeah?

Avert your eyes.

♪ NANCY SINATRA: These Boots Are Made For Walkin' ♪

A-ha-ha!

There he is. The North's answer to Michael Jackson.

Except without the kids n' that.

You ready for your big day? Oh, I guess so.

You ready for your big day? Oh, I guess so.

But, I should probably flag that I've never actually pulled a pint before.

No, you dickhead, you're gonna be dancing!

Ha-ha! Get that.

Ha-ha! Get that.

Right, um... You want me to-

Do what you do best, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, I got in touch with the newspapers,

Listen, I got in touch with the newspapers,

and they were reluctant at first, but I drew them in

with the human interest angle, you know.

'A moonwalk down memory lane', all that gubbings.

Hey, come right this way. How's about this?

Hey, come right this way. How's about this?

There she blows! (CHUCKLES) Your old flame.

Hey, it cost a bit extra for the overnight delivery,

Hey, it cost a bit extra for the overnight delivery,

but, uh, I think it's worth it, you know?

You've got to speculate to... whatever the fuck it is.

Tommo. You don't understand, I-I...

Tommo. You don't understand, I-I...

I don't dance anymore.

Right, well, I say you've about two and a half hours to get your eye in.

So, bon chance. (STUTTERING) No, I-I'm not saying

So, bon chance. (STUTTERING) No, I-I'm not saying

I can't dance, I'm saying I don't.

I've retired.

(SPLUTTERING)

(SPLUTTERING)

It's your fucking job, mate, so. (CHUCKLES)

I'm really sorry.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Dickhead! (DOOR SLAMS)

What the fuck am I supposed to do with a dance machine?!

Well, this is a bit of a surprise, Ash.

I mean, yesterday at the pub it sounded like

I mean, yesterday at the pub it sounded like

you all thought that this place was some sort of scam.

Scam? Wha-a-a-t? No, no, no.

Scam? Wha-a-a-t? No, no, no.

I was very taken by everything you said.

Thought it was very profound, you know? Who's this, Gideon?

Oh, hello Judith, John.

Oh, hello Judith, John.

This is Ashley. I bumped into him yesterday,

while I was having a bee-eer-big think.Think.

On the way to the chemist. Chemist.

On the way to the chemist. Chemist.

About the endless and exhausting grind for material wealth

and possessions. Mm, yeah.

Yeah, he told me all about it, and I reckoned, you know,

Yeah, he told me all about it, and I reckoned, you know,

I should probably come down here myself

and investigate... integrate. How lovely.

Yeah. Congratulations on taking the first step

Yeah. Congratulations on taking the first step

towards liberation of the soul. Soul.

We're huggers, is that OK?

(CHUCKLES) There is no need for th-

(CHUCKLES) There is no need for th-

Oh!

OK. Loads. Loads.

That's that done.

Did you see it, Jon? Oh. The second he walked in.

Did you see it, Jon? Oh. The second he walked in.

What? His massive penis? No, Gideon.

His aura. Oh!

You have a pink aura, Ashley.

You have a pink aura, Ashley.

Really, yeah? (CHUCKLES)

Is that... Is that good?

Is that... Is that good?

Oh, it's beautiful.

It means you're a caring, compassionate person. Hey, he is.

I'm so glad you found us, Ashley.

I'm so glad you found us, Ashley.

You belong here...

I can feel it. Oh...

Shall we show you around our little sanctuary?

Shall we show you around our little sanctuary?

Yes. Now!

And then another hug. Yeah.(ALL CHUCKLE)

(GENTLE GUITAR STRUMMING) We've tried to create a haven.

(GENTLE GUITAR STRUMMING) We've tried to create a haven.

A place where people can strip away

the pressures of the outside world...

..expose themselves to a more natural way of being.

..expose themselves to a more natural way of being.

Careful with the baking though Ash,

Maria burnt her areola on a muffin tin.

Guys, if you don't mind me asking, out of interest,

how do you pay for all this?

How do you pay for all this?

Well, we're a family, families help each other.

Huh.

This is our table of transcendence.

This is our table of transcendence.

These are some of the people we've helped.

Wow. They look ever so happy.

Happy and thriving. I can see that, yeah.

Happy and thriving. I can see that, yeah.

(DISTANT GONG)

Time for a group session.

Why don't you join us?

Yeah, join us Ash.

Yeah, join us Ash.

Yes Ashley, join us.

Oh...

JIM: (DISTANT) Oi, twat, he doesn't wanna see ya!

He is getting on that machine and dancing,

if I have to tie strings to his limbs and go full fucking Geppetto!

If I have to tie strings to his limbs and go full fucking Geppetto!

Right you, come on, sweetheart.

What? I told you I don't dance anymore.

Mate, come on it's a piece of piss.

Just get on the machine and move your limbs

Just get on the machine and move your limbs

to the fucking stupid lights and that, you know.

Well, if it's so easy, why don't you just do it?!

Look I'll be honest with ya, right? (CLEARS THROAT)

Look I'll be honest with ya, right? (CLEARS THROAT)

I really fucking need this. So, hows about for old time sake,

one last dance? Yeah, come on. No, it's not happening.

One last dance? Yeah, come on. No, it's not happening.

Fuck! That's rude. Jesus!

You have screwed me right over.

You have screwed me right over.

Sweetheart, yeah. I'm meant to have a full house tonight.

Full of paying customers. First time in weeks!

I might as well just tie a big fucking bow around the place

I might as well just tie a big fucking bow around the place

and hand the keys to that smug, weasel-faced cunt!

(SCREAMS)

Here, I've got some sheep to castrate.

Give me a shout if you need anything.

Give me a shout if you need anything.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

Look I know you're disappointed, but I haven't danced

in nearly ten years. Not even a toe tap.

And what, ya really think people will just turn up to watch me?

And what, ya really think people will just turn up to watch me?

I don't fucking know.

But it were worth a try, weren't it. I mean fucking hell,

But it were worth a try, weren't it. I mean fucking hell,

I've tried every else, believe me. You were my last go.

You know, last stab at the nostalgia crowd.

All the patrons have been drawn away to a pretentious new gaff

All the patrons have been drawn away to a pretentious new gaff

with a fucking prick of an owner. Yeah. The smugly weasel-faced cunt?

Who apparently he has a bottomless budget but no fucking taste, so.

Who apparently he has a bottomless budget but no fucking taste, so.

I can't compete can I?

Sounds like Slick Sam.

Hm? Oh, he's this end of level boss,

on BTB, when you play the story mode.

He was a right weasel too.

He was a right weasel too.

I mean, it took me ages to figure out how to defeat him. But when you do,

it's great cause this big bucket of manure gets dumped over his head

and all his little minions scurry away screaming, it's mint.

And all his little minions scurry away screaming, it's mint.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDING)

Why you looking at me like that?

Why you looking at me like that?

That's... That's it, innit?

What?

I don't need... to win the patrons back over,

I don't need... to win the patrons back over,

I just need to scare them off from his place.

I need to defeat Slick Sam!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(DOG BARKING)

So, you got a dog. Oh, for fuck's sake.

If, honestly, that's the level of intuition I'm dealing with,

then it's no wonder my head's fucked, is it?

Then it's no wonder my head's fucked, is it?

You know they lick their own arseholes, don't you?

You've done fucking worse. Haven't ya?

Dirty bastard. What have you named him?

Dirty bastard. What have you named him?

I haven't yet. Oh, that's interesting.

That's not interesting, is it? Maybe subconsciously,

you don't really believe he's yours. That is quite interesting actually.

You don't really believe he's yours. That is quite interesting actually.

You like spending time with him, he's always pleased to see you

and you have this unspoken, cosmic connection, right?

Why don't you just call him Dylan?

Why don't you just call him Dylan?

Dylan.

See, nothing wrong with my intuition.

Ashley, this is 'Bag of Emotions'.

You just pick out an emotion and share a time

You just pick out an emotion and share a time

when you've felt that way. Maria would you care to start?

(GENTLE GONG)

'Joyous'. Easy.

I feel this way every time I wake up here.

Aw! (APPLAUSE)

Aw! (APPLAUSE)

Maria, you're so clever.

Thank you.

Ashley, why don't you have a go?

Ashley, why don't you have a go?

It's a bit of fun, go on... do one.

You'll enjoy it. (GENTLE GONG)

Since I'm here, you know. Yeah.

Since I'm here, you know. Yeah.

'Misunderstood'.

Yeah, I can probably think of a couple of times when, uh...

when I was misunderstood.

(DRAMATIC GUITAR MUSIC)

He's judging me like I did it on purpose! Like, it was one moment.

If you cut me, do I not bleed?

That's a very vulnerable thing to be going through.

That's a very vulnerable thing to be going through.

Especially from your boyfriend.

"Oh, there goes Ashley, big lug, he doesn't have any emotions."

I deserve to be loved, just like anyone else, you know.

I deserve to be loved, just like anyone else, you know.

A few year ago...

Oh, we see you, Ashley.

We see you.

And you're beautiful, inside... and out.

And you're beautiful, inside... and out.

Yeah?

(APPLAUSE)

Go Ashley.

Let's see what I get next, maybe bravery! No! No... no.

Other people need a go.

Right, I'll just pass it on.

Right, I'll just pass it on.

Really good Ash. I'm dead proud of you.

CARDI: I think they've rumbled Ash.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

I should go in after him. Don't be daft!

I should go in after him. Don't be daft!

Jesus like the feckin' woman eatin' the spider!

Who's eating spiders? The woman that eats the fuckin' spider,

and then they have to send a feckin' bird in after that.

And then they have to send a feckin' bird in after that.

Then a feckin' dog get's sent in. It's a cat after the bird, innit?

Doesn't matter, it's fuckin' madness.

What you on about, going in there, if front of all them nudey people?

What you on about, going in there, if front of all them nudey people?

You won't even take your fucking top off at the beach!

Well, people change, Carol. I need to save my friend's life.

If I've been over an hour, send JJ in.

If I've been over an hour, send JJ in.

Yeah, that's not happening. For fuck's sake...

Gideon!

Gideon!

We started with a bunch, now there's two left!

I'm sorry, Jon, they're just so sweet and juicy!

Jon, how's my posture? How's my posture, Jon?

Jon, how's my posture? How's my posture, Jon?

You're a natural, Ashley. Sorry to interrupt.

Ashley, this chap says he's a friend of yours?

Oh right, does he?

Oh right, does he?

Cardi! Oh, Cardi!

Judith, sorry, Cardi was present when...

Judith, sorry, Cardi was present when...

Gideon spoke so eloquently, about the commune in the pub...

(SMACKS)..lic chemist, the public chemist.

Cardi's a very interesting name.

Cardi's a very interesting name.

Yeah, my name's actually L-Lesley.

Oh, so Cardi's your surname then?

No, no, my surname's, um, Tit.

Lunch is ready. (GONG)

Lunch is ready. (GONG)

(WHISPERS) What are you doing? I'm...

Got to hand it to Gideon,

Got to hand it to Gideon,

this is the first time we've ever had two walk-ins on the same day!

Oh, Jon, you cheeky boy.

Oh, Ashley. Yeah?

Oh, Ashley. Yeah?

Why don't you show Lesley round?

Oh, a wonderful idea, Judith. Thank you. Mamaste.

Ma... Na... Nam-a-ste.

What are you doing? You've been ages!

I'm trying to win them over. It's been going well, actually.

They painted my portrait, invited me to a badminton tournament.

This place is the real deal right? If you strip it all back,

take your clothes off, what's left underneath is who you really are.

And who I am is popular. They could be brainwashing you.

They're not, I'm trying to tell you! It's not a scam.

They're not, I'm trying to tell you! It's not a scam.

It's a solace of simplicity in a complicated world.

Alright, if it's not a scam, then wh-why are you still here?

I told you about the badminton- No, I'm talking about Gideon?

I told you about the badminton- No, I'm talking about Gideon?

He doesn't want to play. Dude, we're meant to be checking he's alright?

He is alright, Cardi. You can see, he's fine, he's happy.

He's thriving Then let's get out of here! No!

He's thriving Then let's get out of here! No!

If you wanna go, you can.

We're having a roast for lunch.

Maria's Yorkshire puds, they're supposed to be sensational.

Maria's Yorkshire puds, they're supposed to be sensational.

(SIGHS)

♪ LOUIS ARMSTRONG: La Vie En Rose ♪

Shit.

Willow? (DOG SQUEALS)

Fuck!

What kind of shite are you after?

What have you got a choice of poo, have you?!

What have you got a choice of poo, have you?!

You're in my world now, pal.

Is it for horticulture or pleasure?

Jim you mad old bastard, it's for revenge, love.

Jim you mad old bastard, it's for revenge, love.

I'm gonna spray my competitor's bar with faeces,

and drive the patrons back to the loving the arms

of the Rat and Cutter. In that case, you want fox.

Of the Rat and Cutter. In that case, you want fox.

BOTH: Right. Fucking stinks to high heaven

and is a nightmare to get out of pleather.

Lovely! Now, I'd go for a...

seven to three, shit to piss ratio,

for optimum spray consistency.

Very specific, I like it. I get it on the dark web.

Jim, I've gotta ask, love, why are you stock piling fox shit?

There's a gang of feral cats that roam these fucking hills at night.

There's a gang of feral cats that roam these fucking hills at night.

They're fucking vermin.

Fox shite's the only thing that scares 'em off.

What? You don't like cats? No, I don't!

What? You don't like cats? No, I don't!

Why? Because I'm not an Egyptian,

a witch, or a fucking spinster!

Right, yeah... Right, now check this out.

Right, yeah... Right, now check this out.

(FLIES BUZZING) Have a look at that... eh?

(BOTH GAGGING, CHOKING)

Fucking lovely.

Fucking lovely.

Oh, yes that one. That one.

Bag it up, love.

Yes? Hiya mate,

do you recognise that bugger there. Willow!

(CHUCKLES) Oh! Oh!

(CHUCKLES) Oh! Oh!

I thought I'd lost you!

Where did you...? He were on the bloody park,

just wandering about. I've been looking after him, he's been alright.

Just wandering about. I've been looking after him, he's been alright.

He's everything to me. I...

I don't know if you've ever lost a good friend,

I don't know if you've ever lost a good friend,

but, oh, it's an indescribable pain.

It is.

Do you want to come in for a cuppa? I can't.

Do you want to come in for a cuppa? I can't.

One of my mate's has joined this naked, sort of,

sex culty type of thing.

Rest of 'em have gone in to help... Thanks for the offer.

You look after him now. Just keep your bloody eye on him...

You look after him now. Just keep your bloody eye on him...

They don't always come back, do they?

Come on. Give us a love. Nice to meet you, man.

Thank you. See you later, dude, have a good day.

Bye.

Yeah, fuck me, Carol, no, listen to me now.

Yeah, fuck me, Carol, no, listen to me now.

Don't be letting anymore of 'em in there!

Fucking end up losing the whole gang. Oh shit! Vincent?

Now then, Davey, you alright? What a serendipitous turn of events.

Now then, Davey, you alright? What a serendipitous turn of events.

I was just on route to come and pick you up.

Hop in the car. I've got a busy day.

I can't be jumping in car- Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

I can't be jumping in car- Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

(SHOUTS) Just get in the fucking car, Vincent.

Oh, shit.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Are you ready?

Oh, sweet of you to help, Lesley.

Oh, sweet of you to help, Lesley.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) No worries.

Y'know, you have a stunning aura.

(CHUCKLES) Almost rainbow-like.

(CHUCKLES) Almost rainbow-like.

Oh, well rainbow's a bit wishy-washy isn't it, Jon?

Enjoying your rainbow. (INAUDIBLE)

Enjoying your rainbow. (INAUDIBLE)

These peas are crying out for some mint.

I'll fetch some from the garden. I'll go, Judith!

Oh, thank you, Lesley.

Oh, thank you, Lesley.

Y'know, I am so happy you found us.

H-H-Happy to have found ya.

You know, anywhere he goes, I go. Oh!

You know, anywhere he goes, I go. Oh!

Oi! Ash won't fucking leave, he's been indoctrinated.

Have you found anything yet? No, cos we're just having lunch.

Have you found anything yet? No, cos we're just having lunch.

Well, you get your head back in the game. You're here for Gideon,

not to fill your fucking stomach! Alright, can you not snap at me!

Is that mint? I said... I said I'd get some mint.

Is that mint? I said... I said I'd get some mint.

That's a tree, Cardi.

But is it a mint tree? This is mint here. I think!

Yeah!

Yeah!

There you go. Now, get back in there and figure the fuck out

what's going on! Alright.

(KEYBOARD CLICKING)

You alright, Donna?

Vincent.

(CLEARS THROAT) What's going on?

Where is it?

Where's what?

McCann sent a little terracotta figurine... here.

Worth 100,000 euro. You signed for it.

Worth 100,000 euro. You signed for it.

I didn't fucking sign for it.

I'd have remembered if I'd have signed for it.

I believe that is your tattoo, Vincent.

I believe that is your tattoo, Vincent.

Shit!

Fucking should've worn gloves.

Fucking should've worn gloves.

Alright, I signed for it.

We had an accident. Smashed the shit out of the bastard.

And we are very sorry. Extremely!

And we are very sorry. Extremely!

When McCann finds out...

Yeah?..you'll be the one having the fucking accident.

Yeah?..you'll be the one having the fucking accident.

Donna, why don't you and I go and have a private little chinwag.

Donna, why don't you and I go and have a private little chinwag.

Vincent, be a good boy and stay put.

Oh, God. I dunno how much longer I can take this smell. (GAGS)

When his cleaners fuck off, we'll get in there and redecorate

the whole place in a fetching shade of brown.

The whole place in a fetching shade of brown.

Well, thanks for letting me stick around.

I've been going out of my head stuck in that house.

Jim said you lost your job, so.

Jim said you lost your job, so.

Yeah.

I was working at a factory, just punching holes in doors.

Not a lot of transferable skills from dancing, I suppose.

Not a lot of transferable skills from dancing, I suppose.

Well, you'd be surprised actually. When I concentrate,

I can go into this, sort of, zone. It's like this hyperfocus and...

and, you know, the world just kind of narrows.

And, you know, the world just kind of narrows.

Hey, I've not told you this.

Do you know, I were on national news cos of you?

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They sent a crew down

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They sent a crew down

when you, uh... when you did championships in Las Vegas.

It were a big crowd. You can only see top of my head.Right.

Due to my, uh, diminutive statue. But, you know, thankfully,

Due to my, uh, diminutive statue. But, you know, thankfully,

I do have a very distinctive crown.

Then, I went and lost in the final.

One false move, and our dream were over.

What... is that why you retired?

You came second in the fucking world!

You came second in the fucking world!

Second place is just first loser in arcade dancing, that's...

Hey, hey, hey, hey dickhead. Hey!

If Rocky Balboa had thrown in the towel

If Rocky Balboa had thrown in the towel

after he got knocked out once, there'd be no second Rocky film,

and that'd be a fucking cinematic travesty, mate! Honest to God.

I swear down, if you were my kid,

I wouldn't let you waste your talent like that.

I wouldn't let you waste your talent like that.

Right, cos you're an expert on parenting, are you? Steady on now.

Uncle Jim said you didn't even know you had a son.

Yeah, well I do now, don't I? Right? And I'm here,

Yeah, well I do now, don't I? Right? And I'm here,

like any good Dad, armed with a vat of liquid fox shite

ready to make sure I never fail him again! Fuck sake.

Oh, hello, they're on the move.

Oh, hello, they're on the move.

Get ready, sunshine.

Well, mask up then. Mask up, right, mask the fuck up.

(MUFFLED) Listen to me. Leave this up to me.

(MUFFLED) Listen to me. Leave this up to me.

DONNA: We need to fucking- I'm gonna give him one more chance.

No, just shop him now. We're better than that!

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Right Vincent, we've discussed the matter.

I was in favour of shopping you to McCann,

but Davey persuaded me that

but Davey persuaded me that

you are worth marginally more alive than dead.

So, what're you gonna tell McCann?

That we can't find it.

It'll buy us some time,

It'll buy us some time,

and you'll continue to grow weed for us,

while you work out how to make this right.

Oh, fucking hell. 'Make it right'.

How the fuck am I gonna make it right?

How the fuck am I gonna make it right?

The bloody statue's gone

and I can't just fucking conjure

100,000 fucking euros!

That's your problem. If you wanna stay alive that is.

That's your problem. If you wanna stay alive that is.

Because if we do tell McCann

you smashed his precious trinket...

you smashed his precious trinket...

you're a dead man.

Yeah.

A pebble drops into a still lake.

A pebble drops into a still lake.

The water warm and comforting.

And as the pebbles drift down further and further...

..the more free you feel...

..the more free you feel...

..free and open...

Cardi, where are you off too?!

Cardi, where are you off too?!

To find out if this place is s-s-safe for Gid.

Oh, you're gonna ruin this for me...

For Gideon, because these people...

they respect him, they appreciate him

they respect him, they appreciate him

for who he actually is, right? Or... Or they pretend to

so they can keep him in their cult. Oh Cardi, it's not a cult, OK!

It's not a cult, it's a commune! (THUDS)

It's not a cult, it's a commune! (THUDS)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Now, don't say it. No.

No, that proves nothing.

That proves nothing.

Cardi!

JON: (QUIETLY) Hiya, yeah it's me, yeah.

So, let's meet at Tonkers to discuss...

Yeah, look, we've got a new one for you.

Yeah, look, we've got a new one for you.

We've completely done it up, new paint job, the lot.

Yeah, we wanna get it on the market ASAP.

And there's a couple of new recruits to look into.

And there's a couple of new recruits to look into.

♪ LIAM GALLAGHER: Diamond In The Dark ♪

♪ I left L.A today

♪ I'm on another plane

♪ I'm on another plane

♪ I spent too much time... ♪

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Oh, bloody thing.

Shit!

Shit!

(ALL HUMMING)

(GENTLE GONG)

(GENTLE GONG)

(ALL HUM)

The more willingly you give,

the more the universe will ultimately give back to you.

The more the universe will ultimately give back to you.

(ALL HUMMING)

(WHISPERING) Gid's house!

That's his house!

(ALL HUMMING)

(ALL HUMMING)

Mm! That's Gid's...

TOMMO: Right, we need to get it everywhere.

Yeah? The DJ booth, the bar area, the fucking Japanese-inspired

Yeah? The DJ booth, the bar area, the fucking Japanese-inspired

smoking pergola. What about the alarm?

What? The alarm.

What fucking... You're joking.

Oh fucking Christ!

Oh fucking Christ!

What, you didn't see them before? Fuck!

It's alright, it's alright. Tommo, it's alright.

We can just think of a Plan B, another way to bring this place down.

We can just think of a Plan B, another way to bring this place down.

What's the fucking point, honestly? What do you mean what's the point?

(GRUMBLING) Tommo, stop!

Tommo? Right, so, what? Are you just gonna give up? Huh?

Look, you know when you said to me, about how if you were my Dad

Look, you know when you said to me, about how if you were my Dad

you wouldn't let me quit dancing? I were being a knobhead. No!

Well, yeah.

You were a bit.

You were a bit.

But you were right too.

My Dad was the reason I started competing in the first place.

I was this annoying,

I was this annoying,

hyper kid, with, like...

no mates.

But Dad never gave up on me.

He used to say that all I needed to do was just find my thing,

He used to say that all I needed to do was just find my thing,

just a way to channel my energy.

Then one holiday...

there it was.

There it was.

Beat That Beat.

From the moment I stepped foot on those arrows I felt...

I felt like that's where I was meant to be.

I felt like that's where I was meant to be.

Every morning, Dad would hand me a bag of 50p's

and he'd say go and do what you do best.

It was when I cocked up... in Vegas...

..and I were calling to tell him,

..and I were calling to tell him,

it was the worst thing I've ever had to do.

Right.

Did-Did he react badly?

No.

No, he told me he loved me, said he couldn't have been prouder.

When I got home...

When I got home...

..my neighbour was waiting for me.

Sometime after we spoke, Dad had a massive heart attack.

Sometime after we spoke, Dad had a massive heart attack.

I don't know, maybe if I'd have given him some good news...

Maybe he'd still be here, you know? No, no, no, no.

Maybe he'd still be here, you know? No, no, no, no.

Sorry, hang on, hang on, no.

Listen, I didn't know your old man, but if Hans called me,

said he was second best in the world at summat', I'd die of pride!

Said he was second best in the world at summat', I'd die of pride!

I mean, obviously, that's...

I'm not suggesting that's what happened with your Dad.No.

The heart thing, that's a very cruel coincidence and all that.

What I'm saying is, take it from a father...

What I'm saying is, take it from a father...

You'd have been the best thing in his fucking life, mate.

Right.

Where you going? I'm not gonna let you give up on saving your club.

Where you going? I'm not gonna let you give up on saving your club.

No chance. I can get past the alarms.

I told you it's-it's impossible! No, it's not.

It's just like Beat That Beat. It looks impenetrable,

but there'll be a pattern to it, a rhythm.

But there'll be a pattern to it, a rhythm.

Alright.

(GENTLE JAZZ MUSIC)

(MUSIC DISTORTING)

(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)

(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)

♪ TONE-LOC: Funky Cold Medina ♪

Fucking, yes!

Nice.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTS)

Go on mate!

(LAUGHS)

Come on, they'll be heading into town soon enough!

Why can't we show Gid this fucking flyer? No, because Jon and Judith

Why can't we show Gid this fucking flyer? No, because Jon and Judith

will always talk themselves out of it. That's what they do.

JON: (DISTANT) We'll be back in a few hours, then it's Boggle time!

Get in. Get in!

Get in. Get in!

♪ PRIMAL SCREAM: Rocks ♪

Cardi. Stop moving!

(ENGINE STARTS UP) Ow!

Can you hear something?

No.

No.

Come on. Let's go.

What the fuck is that?

Not what, who!

Argh!

Is that...? That's Cardi's arse!

Follow that crack! JJ, start the engine!

Follow that crack! JJ, start the engine!

Donna's out of control, Vincent.

I wasn't about to let her shop

one of my friends to McCann. (TUTS) Fucking friends?

One of my friends to McCann. (TUTS) Fucking friends?

I wouldn't mind, you're forever threatening to fucking murder me,

aren't you? You bastard. Hmm. (CHUCKLES)

But have I? Eh?

But have I? Eh?

No, I haven't.

That feels important, somehow.

That feels important, somehow.

Fucking does to me.

What the fuck am I gonna do about this money, Davey?

Hmm.

We'll figure something out.

We'll figure something out.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Fuck me.

Where's Yonkers Chinese restaurant?

Tonkers. I know it. (TYRES SCREECHING)

Tonkers. I know it. (TYRES SCREECHING)

Fuck me, that was fucking incredible!

Honest to God. You had the...

the rhythm of Fred Astaire, you had the grace of...

I don't know, Michael Flatly, you had, crucially,

the shit spraying prowess of, I don't know,

the shit spraying prowess of, I don't know,

a horticultural Ghostbuster. (LAUGHTER)

No one's gonna wanna go in there for months

Cheers, Tommo.

Me? What for? Yeah. I don't know,

Me? What for? Yeah. I don't know,

I just think it's been a while since anyone's believed in me.

Oh, fuck!

(LAUGHS, PANTING)

(DOOR BUZZES)

What've you got for me?

What've you got for me?

The MacDonagh's have worked out what happened to your statue.

I see.

Go on...

Cardi, Ashley, what's going on?

You know Jon and Judith don't like us leaving without permission,

You know Jon and Judith don't like us leaving without permission,

and you're wearing clothes!

We are. Jon and Judith are here, Gideon. They're inside.

We found this in the back of their van. Mr Mittens?!

Yeah, man. What was he doing in the back of their van?

Yeah, man. What was he doing in the back of their van?

Let's go and fucking find out, shall we? Come on you lot...

Hey, any skid marks on these seats, there'll be a surcharge!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(ALL GASP) Oh, look, there they are.

(ALL GASP) Oh, look, there they are.

Brothers, sisters, uh,

what are you doing here?! You're wearing clothes!

Yes, uh, that's right, and there's a good reason for that.

Yes, uh, that's right, and there's a good reason for that.

Yes, uh, y'see Gideon,

in certain circumstances,

it's necessary for us to comply with societal norms

it's necessary for us to comply with societal norms

to get things done.

This is our business manager.

He helps us keep the commune running.

He helps us keep the commune running.

And how about Mr Mittens,

wh... what were he doing in your car? He was...

going to be a surprise.

We knew you weren't ready to let go yet,

We knew you weren't ready to let go yet,

but all that stuff at your house,

it-it's just a weight around your neck.

What, so you nicked it all?

We cleared it out. And we kept Mr Mittens,

because we knew how special he was to you.

Because we knew how special he was to you.

You can't possibly believe this, Gid. They're having you on.

No, Ashley. No, they're guiding me...

They're good spiritual people, Jon and Judith. And now with that.

They're good spiritual people, Jon and Judith. And now with that.

So, why are they're renting your house out without permission? Hey?

And not just yours either.

Looks like they've got a bloody empire here, haven't ya?

Looks like they've got a bloody empire here, haven't ya?

My beautiful pink aura is turning red with rage!

I've got another appointment.

Jon, Judith, wha-what is this?

Jon, Judith, wha-what is this?

They're fucking scammers is what it is!

Actually, I think you'll find it's all above board.

Gideon signed his house over to us, legally. They all did.

Gideon signed his house over to us, legally. They all did.

I never! I wouldn't. This were my Mum's house!

So, they didn't give you anything to sign? No!

Well... except me declaration of loyalty to commune.

Well... except me declaration of loyalty to commune.

Oh, shit.

But I don't understand... Oh, fuck! Yeah.

But I don't understand... Oh, fuck! Yeah.

The house belongs to us now, Gideon, and everything in it.

Including this. Hey!

Give that back to him!

Give that back to him!

Right! Back up, simpletons!

Go on, the lot of you. Go on get back.

Get back. All of you, go on!

I want my cat back! Go on, I'll have you all, go on.

I want my cat back! Go on, I'll have you all, go on.

Give him his dead cat back, you miserable old cow.

Oh, come and get it.

Oh, come and get it.

(LAUGHS) What the fuck is Davey doing here?

What the fuck is all this shite? Nay mind, Christ.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

I have several antique blades myself, you know.

My sister Donna says they're too gauche to have out on display.

But, she has no flare for interior design.

There's one particularly impressive sword

that's over 100-years-old,

that's over 100-years-old,

and it could still slice the tit off a fly.

Or open up your stomach so neatly you'd be gawping down

at your intestines before you even knew you were cut.

At your intestines before you even knew you were cut.

Alright now, you're scaring the shit out of everyone,

for fuck sake, Davey. I could nip home and get it,

for fuck sake, Davey. I could nip home and get it,

if you like. It would be my pleasure.

Listen to me. FYI, this guy's a fucking psychopath.

There's none of us can control him, you know.

There's none of us can control him, you know.

Eenie, meenie, miney- We'll sign the houses back

and disappear. You'll never see us again.

Please. That's very wise.

Gideon, are you alright with that, love?

Hey...

is that real cashmere?

(OVERLAPPING SHOUTS)

Do want to borrow a jumper, Jon?

HANS: Hey! You just caught me

on my way to my indoor rock climbing class.

Oh, really? What a coincidence, mine's this afternoon.

Oh, really? What a coincidence, mine's this afternoon.

You're being sarcastic, and it is very funny.

Yeah, uh, listen, uh, Hans...

There's summat' I've got to talk to ya about...

There's summat' I've got to talk to ya about...

I've tried and I-I-I might've even have got a temporary fix,

but the truth is, um...

the club is-is struggling.

The club is-is struggling.

Oh, dear. How bad is it?

Um, honestly it's, uh...

Actually fucking terrible. Yeah. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Actually fucking terrible. Yeah. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(CLEARS THROAT) You shouldn't have invested your money in me,

I'm so sorry, I'm-I'm an absolute failure.

I don't care if you make the club a success or not.

I don't care if you make the club a success or not.

You're still my inspiration.

You're a very strange lad, but thank you for saying that.

You're a very strange lad, but thank you for saying that.

Why don't you come to Berlin for a while?

We could spend some father and son time together?

♪ RAY CHARLES: I'm A Fool To Care ♪

♪ RAY CHARLES: I'm A Fool To Care ♪

♪ ..When you treat me this way

♪ Whoa, I love you so

♪ But, darling, I know

♪ But, darling, I know

♪ I'm a fool to care

♪ I'm a fool to cry

♪ I'm a fool to cry

♪ Since you told me goodbye

♪ Since you told me goodbye

♪ Oh, you can't be true

♪ Oh, you can't be true

♪ So, what can I do?

♪ I'm a fool to care... ♪

♪ I'm a fool to care... ♪

CAROL: Oh, fuck!

CAROL: Oh, fuck!

Do you think we should call the police!?

We need to spread out and search Hawley. Have you seen Carol?

We need to spread out and search Hawley. Have you seen Carol?

Carol? Shit.

Why have you got a gun!? (GUNSHOT)

Stop! It's me! It's Keith!

It's your husband! It's alright!

It's your husband! It's alright!

It's just a squirrel. Oh, thank God.

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ Give me the strength to carry on

♪ Give me the strength to carry on

♪ Give me the strength to carry on

♪ Cos everything I got is just about gone... ♪

♪ Cos everything I got is just about gone... ♪

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