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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:52,845 All right, Chevy. 2 00:00:53,763 --> 00:00:55,806 Chevy, you're very handsome. 3 00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,558 -Stop it. - How did you become so funny? 4 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,684 What was the first part? 5 00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:02,229 Lorne said if I just stared into the camera, 6 00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:03,898 that'd take a lot of guts. 7 00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:10,738 "There were bells on the hill, but I never heard them ringing." 8 00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:13,783 Action, Laraine. 9 00:01:21,332 --> 00:01:22,333 Hi. 10 00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:25,211 Did I spell your name right? 11 00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:30,341 I'm Garrett Morris talking to all you white Americans... 12 00:01:30,466 --> 00:01:33,010 about the way Black people have been treated in America. 13 00:01:33,469 --> 00:01:36,555 Now, I know a lot of you feel guilty, and you should. 14 00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:41,852 You see, um, having a catheter... 15 00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:43,938 a lot of people think it's funny. 16 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,732 And they like to see me dance. 17 00:01:48,526 --> 00:01:52,238 Now, I look up, and I see it coming down now, real quick... 18 00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:53,697 and I see discs. 19 00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,074 Whirlin' discs! 20 00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,034 - Really? - All right. 21 00:01:57,201 --> 00:01:58,494 Radney? 22 00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:00,538 I'm not gonna talk about... No. 23 00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,998 Whirlin'. Whirlin' around, whirlin' around. 24 00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,333 I see all kinds of lights. Then they just drop me. 25 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:06,961 In order to get that much iron, you probably have to overeat. 26 00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:10,840 Send your check or money order to White Guilt Relief Fund. 27 00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:13,008 We're ready? Should we go? 28 00:02:17,388 --> 00:02:18,597 Free show! 29 00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:22,268 Plenty of tickets left, guys! Free show! 30 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:23,811 No? 31 00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:26,272 Hey, free show, man. 32 00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:29,441 Hey, sir, free comedy show? Plenty of seats. 33 00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:31,360 Perfect for date night! 34 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:32,903 Um... 35 00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:36,365 "You are invited to a new variety spectacular... 36 00:02:36,532 --> 00:02:39,076 "featuring a parade of comedy... 37 00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:40,619 "and musical acts ripped from the charts." 38 00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,163 Jesus Christ. 39 00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:44,665 "Where did they unearth such a cavalcade of talent?" 40 00:02:47,126 --> 00:02:48,669 Hey, man! You okay? 41 00:02:50,004 --> 00:02:52,423 Maybe ask me again in 90 minutes. 42 00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:54,508 Why? What happens in 90 minutes? 43 00:02:54,967 --> 00:02:56,093 Uh, we go live. 44 00:02:56,427 --> 00:02:59,054 Oh, wow. Far out, man. Congrats. Miss? 45 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:00,973 - Thank you. -Hey, wait. If it's live, 46 00:03:01,140 --> 00:03:02,683 then why the hell are you down here? 47 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,643 - Free show. For fuck's sake. - I'm... 48 00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,186 -Mr. Michaels? - ...waiting for... 49 00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:07,229 Ah! 50 00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:09,773 It's 10 o'clock, Andy. Here. Come on. 51 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:11,817 Where do I park? 52 00:03:11,984 --> 00:03:14,320 "You are invited to a new variety spectacular..." 53 00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:15,863 Just pick him up at 1:00, Mrs. Kaufman. 54 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:16,947 Do you like my suit? 55 00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:18,157 - Very elegant, Andy. - Take care of my Andy! 56 00:03:18,324 --> 00:03:19,867 This is my favorite suit. 57 00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:21,952 "Where did they unearth such a cavalcade of talent?" 58 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,079 Bye. Bye, Mommy. 59 00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:25,080 Bye, honey. 60 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:25,998 - I love you! -Andy, come on. 61 00:03:32,630 --> 00:03:33,631 Andy, please, come on. 62 00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,382 This is beautiful. 63 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:36,550 Yeah. 64 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:37,801 You know, actually, down there 65 00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:38,886 is where Diego Rivera was hired... 66 00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:41,263 to paint a fresco for the American worker. 67 00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:42,473 I cannot see this. 68 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,558 Well, no one can because Diego was a commie... 69 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,226 and added Vladimir Lenin in the middle of the night... 70 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,603 so the Rockefellers had it plastered over. 71 00:03:47,603 --> 00:03:48,687 Deliveries use the back. 72 00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:49,980 - I'm producer of the show. - Where's your badge? 73 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:51,273 - My... - Where's his badge? 74 00:03:51,273 --> 00:03:52,358 Look, my name is Lorne Michaels. 75 00:03:52,358 --> 00:03:53,442 I'm the producer of Saturday Night. 76 00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:54,610 - The whole night? -Hey! Hey! He's good. 77 00:03:54,610 --> 00:03:56,320 - Yeah, I'm producing every show. - He's good. He's good. 78 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,696 - I'm good, you see? - Let him in. Let him in. 79 00:03:57,696 --> 00:03:58,781 Live on a Saturday night? Must be some show. 80 00:03:58,781 --> 00:03:59,865 I'm good. Andy, please. 81 00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,200 Hey, you're doing a great job. Really. Great stuff. 82 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,576 What kind of name is "Saturday Night"? 83 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,912 - Andy, come on. Please. - Okay. We rushing. 84 00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:06,372 Eighth floor, and book it. 85 00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:08,123 Put on your seat belts. 86 00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:12,294 So, big night. 87 00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:13,754 Oh, Andy, have you had dinner? 88 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,173 Huh. Yes, I had spaghetti. 89 00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:17,341 Oh, that sounds delicious. 90 00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:19,218 Hey, Lorne, I'm getting calls from upstairs. 91 00:04:19,218 --> 00:04:20,344 You ordered a llama? 92 00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:21,512 A llama? 93 00:04:21,679 --> 00:04:23,973 Yeah. We all decided it was much funnier than a donkey. 94 00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:25,391 Right. Just the guys down at the loading dock 95 00:04:25,391 --> 00:04:27,017 weren't expecting, you know, livestock. 96 00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,395 Well, NBC did ask for something fresh and unexpected. 97 00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:30,854 That is true. That's true. 98 00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:32,147 Uh, just, you know, they also weren't 99 00:04:32,147 --> 00:04:33,232 expecting you to demand... 100 00:04:33,399 --> 00:04:35,651 an overhaul in the entire lighting and sound package. 101 00:04:37,361 --> 00:04:39,571 Did anyone ask Edison what a light bulb was 102 00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:41,198 before he harnessed electricity? 103 00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:44,368 Who are you in the metaphor? 104 00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:46,578 The light bulb? 105 00:04:46,996 --> 00:04:48,539 We can't expect people to recognize 106 00:04:48,706 --> 00:04:49,832 something they've never seen before. 107 00:04:49,999 --> 00:04:51,375 Right. Okay. Yes. You're correct. 108 00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:52,793 But just, how about a final script? 109 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:53,961 It's not that kind of show. 110 00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:55,504 Okay. Well, what kind of show is it, Lorne? 111 00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:56,839 Do you even know what the show is? 112 00:04:57,006 --> 00:04:58,007 Of course. 113 00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:00,050 Are you gonna share it with the rest of us? 114 00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:02,011 Yes. 115 00:05:02,553 --> 00:05:03,554 In 88 minutes. 116 00:05:03,721 --> 00:05:05,389 Oh, my God. 117 00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:07,182 Uh, have you tested the quality of the sound system? 118 00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:08,434 - No, I haven't. - 'Cause the speakers... 119 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,394 look leftover from Arturo Toscanini. 120 00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:11,687 I mean, that's not really my job. 121 00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:13,063 Lorne, did you order more lights? 122 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:14,231 Of course. 123 00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:15,983 Is this your card? 124 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,067 How'd he do that? 125 00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:18,485 He's a fuckin' magician, numb nuts. 126 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,195 -Hey, Neil? - Oh, hey. 127 00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:22,531 You got to be right by my side, man. Locked to my hip. 128 00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:23,907 Remember, when you're here, you're not my cousin... 129 00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:25,200 you're my executive assistant. You're important. 130 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,368 Really? Like in the credits it will say that? 131 00:05:26,368 --> 00:05:27,578 Well, no, but you and I will know. 132 00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:28,662 They're looking for you in the control room. 133 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,539 Also, Belushi hasn't signed his contract yet? 134 00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,583 - Oh, and the llama has arrived. - Oh, great. Thanks, Barbara. 135 00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:34,835 Neil, memo. We need to reeducate the NBC Pages on the show. 136 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:35,919 You should've heard the guy outside. 137 00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,004 What the hell is this? 138 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,298 Saturday Night, it's a new kind of entertainment. 139 00:05:39,298 --> 00:05:42,509 It's abstract and defiant. Avant-garde yet blue collar... 140 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,392 Gilda, come on. We need you for rehearsal. 141 00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:54,229 Oh, be careful. They're still drying. 142 00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:55,981 This is monumental work, Edie. 143 00:05:56,148 --> 00:05:58,567 Mr. Gresner, would you please tell our studio audience... 144 00:05:58,734 --> 00:06:00,277 Jane, you're still attached. 145 00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:03,280 ...just how you became a victim of a shark bite? 146 00:06:04,156 --> 00:06:05,741 You are so fluffy. 147 00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,034 Hey, come on, Andy. 148 00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,369 You cut my Nazi Doctor Dolittle? 149 00:06:09,787 --> 00:06:11,663 He has ways of making the animals talk? 150 00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:13,040 I'll check with the run-of-show board. 151 00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:15,209 Package was addressed to Al Franken and Tom Davis. 152 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,752 I don't know what to tell you, fellas. 153 00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:17,961 How do you lose 28 gallons of blood? 154 00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,757 85 minutes till showtime. 155 00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:24,802 Come on, guys. These transitions need to be crisp. 156 00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:27,179 Pretend like there's a hooker holding a sandwich 157 00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:28,430 waiting for you stage right. 158 00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:30,224 We still need to rehearse five sketches. 159 00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:32,267 Are we any closer on lighting cues? 160 00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:34,144 Hey, Schiller. What are you up to? 161 00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:36,688 I'm burning sage. Removing demons. 162 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,107 Garrett don't do voodoo. 163 00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:39,942 Peter packed a peck of pickled peckers. 164 00:06:40,109 --> 00:06:42,486 Andy, this is Billy Crystal and Valri Bromfield. 165 00:06:42,653 --> 00:06:43,821 - They're both in the show. - Andy! 166 00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:46,031 They're both very nice. Please stay with them, okay? 167 00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:48,075 Listen, Andy is a certifiable comedic genius. 168 00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:49,243 - He is redefining the form. - Nice to meet you, Andy. 169 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,411 I mean, we are in the presence of greatness. 170 00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,123 Where is the bathroom? 171 00:06:54,123 --> 00:06:55,499 Neil, can you show Andy to the washroom? 172 00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:57,209 - Yeah. Yeah. - There you are. Lorne. I can't 173 00:06:57,209 --> 00:06:58,752 - authorize the purchase... - Dick. Dick. 174 00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,170 ...of an antique chandelier. 175 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,255 Jim has a question about something. 176 00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:02,548 - Here. Let's step over here. -He's out of control. 177 00:07:02,548 --> 00:07:04,299 - Okay. I understand. - This isn't a budget. 178 00:07:04,299 --> 00:07:05,384 It's a ransom note. 179 00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:06,510 Someone asked for last Friday's Johnny Carson? 180 00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:07,678 Where the fuck you been, Charlie? 181 00:07:07,678 --> 00:07:08,762 Sorry, I've been busy. 182 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:09,847 I'll be back in a little bit, okay? 183 00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:11,306 Hope I still have a job when he's gone next week. 184 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,016 Okey-dokes. So, as it stands... 185 00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:15,435 we have four host monologues, two stand-ups... 186 00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:17,521 two musical guests, each with two performances... 187 00:07:17,688 --> 00:07:18,981 a solo piece for Andy Kaufman... 188 00:07:19,148 --> 00:07:21,275 five parody commercials, Weekend Update... 189 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,484 a film by Albert Brooks... 190 00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:25,070 Jim Henson's Muppet... thing. 191 00:07:25,237 --> 00:07:27,239 Not to mention seven sketches. 192 00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:28,782 - Something for everybody. - Yeah, it's a lot of show. 193 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,284 - It won't fit. - We don't know that. 194 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,953 I know that. The dress rehearsal was three hours. 195 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,121 Audrey thinks we're tight. 196 00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:36,456 Audrey thinks it's time to make some tough decisions, actually. 197 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:37,624 Lorne, just cut some things. 198 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,251 - No. We will, but... -Am I still in the show? 199 00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:43,839 Jesus Christ. 200 00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,133 - Sorry. Tripped over my penis. - Still on the show, Chev. 201 00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,801 Oh, I know. Hey, you remember Jackie. 202 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,178 - My girlfriend. - Fiancée. 203 00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:50,387 It looks expensive. 204 00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:51,471 She is. 205 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,556 It is. 206 00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:53,724 I never know when you're kidding. 207 00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:54,808 Hey, Chev, can I... 208 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,393 Can you show a little goodwill to your co-star? 209 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:57,895 - Who? Belushi? - Mmm-hmm. 210 00:07:58,061 --> 00:08:00,397 God! God! What the fuck's the matter now? 211 00:08:00,564 --> 00:08:02,065 I think it's just a new dynamic and... 212 00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:03,442 there are a lot of expectations for every... 213 00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:04,526 I'll tell you what the issue is. 214 00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,361 We're not doing a radio hour anymore 215 00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:07,779 and he's built like an Albanian cheeseburger. 216 00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:10,199 Chevy can't help if people are responding to his face. 217 00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:11,491 I mean, I could, but I won't. 218 00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:12,993 Right. Well, no one's asking you 219 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,620 to deny your own magnetism, Chevy. 220 00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,413 Maybe there's other roles for John to play. 221 00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:18,415 Like a hobo. Or a troll. 222 00:08:18,582 --> 00:08:20,918 Or a fire hydrant. Or a Volkswagen. 223 00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:23,086 Or a hemorrhoid. 224 00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,797 - You're looking sharp, Patches. - What? 225 00:08:26,215 --> 00:08:27,424 You have to cut something. 226 00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,343 Yeah. Yeah. 227 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,388 - Neil? - Oh. Yeah! 228 00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:35,641 Get me a key to this door. In fact... 229 00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:37,476 I want keys to all the doors. 230 00:08:37,643 --> 00:08:38,977 In the building? 231 00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:40,854 - If you can. - Yeah. 232 00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:45,692 Frame up on the shot, okay, Cameron? 233 00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:47,152 That's good. 234 00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:49,947 Ready camera 2. That looks okay. 235 00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:51,031 Hey, guys. 236 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,741 Hey, Lorne. Can you get down or around? 237 00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:54,368 Down in front. 238 00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:56,203 Dave, how're we looking? 239 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:57,454 Oh. Good, good, good. Good, good. 240 00:08:57,621 --> 00:09:00,040 Still working on the 47 notes you gave me on your last visit. 241 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,709 Okay. How's the morale looking out there? 242 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,211 -"Morale"? - Mm-hmm. 243 00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:07,339 Oh, I think I can speak for the entire crew... 244 00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:11,760 when I say this is exactly where we want to be on Saturday night. 245 00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:14,930 - Okay. Great. -Yeah. Yeah. 246 00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:17,766 Rocky! Wake up, will you? 247 00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:21,436 Give me lights 25B, 25C! 248 00:09:23,272 --> 00:09:25,440 Half down on 31! That's 32! 249 00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,276 You've done this before, right? 250 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:28,443 Man, that's a lot of lights. 251 00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:30,195 Charlie, you're gonna drop a testicle lifting that thing. 252 00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:31,405 Good job, Charlie. 253 00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:32,531 All right. Quiet, please! 254 00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:35,409 Here we go. Rehearsal's up. Actors on their marks. 255 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:36,868 All right. Hey, guys. 256 00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:39,288 We only have two minutes of commercials... 257 00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,832 to make it from stage right to stage left. 258 00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:43,583 Anybody know the load bearing on the booms? 259 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,669 - Hello, fellas. - What's up, Joe? 260 00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:47,462 Can I get you anything? Refreshment? 261 00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:48,922 - Mai Tai? -I'll take a Schaefer. 262 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,924 Try and at least act like you're fucking working, please. 263 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,384 John, thank you for your patience. 264 00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:53,468 Moments away, okay? 265 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:57,597 All right. Next card. "Al 'Bud' Franken." 266 00:09:58,265 --> 00:09:59,558 Next card. "Tom 'Bud' Davis." 267 00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:01,685 Okay. So, this is a bit? 268 00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:03,895 Look, I don't get half the shit that they do. 269 00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:06,023 Next card, "Rosie 'Bud'..." uh... 270 00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:09,276 Lorne, is Rosie going with Michaels or Shuster? 271 00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:12,571 - That's a good question. -Should I ask Rosie? 272 00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:14,239 No, no, no. I'll take care of it. 273 00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,158 -All right. -Stew, that's good. 274 00:10:16,325 --> 00:10:17,617 That's actually looking good. 275 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,578 A little more over. 276 00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:21,079 She's been at it for hours. 277 00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:22,539 She's simply doing her job. 278 00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:23,874 We have to comply with NBC standards. 279 00:10:23,874 --> 00:10:25,167 Well, I refuse to comply. 280 00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:27,002 - Uh, Mr. O'Donoghue. - Mmm-hmm? 281 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:31,214 On page 12, what is clam diving? 282 00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:36,011 I believe the act of harvesting mollusks. 283 00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:37,804 Stew! You're killing me here. 284 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,222 I just need the lights for Home Invasion. 285 00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:41,016 Talk to the wonder kid! He's trying to light 286 00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:42,934 - Jesus Christ Superstar! -Those are excuses. 287 00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:44,603 Four people up there, get them lit. 288 00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:47,564 I'm glad you're having fun, but this isn't helpful. 289 00:10:47,731 --> 00:10:49,900 If that piglet disfigures my work... 290 00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:52,694 I'm gonna turn her uterus into a sock puppet. 291 00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:54,988 What is "Zipper Dinner"? 292 00:11:00,118 --> 00:11:02,079 How many of these did you hide in the script? 293 00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:04,956 Maybe a dozen. It's like a scavenger hunt. 294 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,416 I know what blue balls are. 295 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:07,584 You don't say. 296 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,587 Come on, people, move with purpose. Let's do this. 297 00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:13,006 Al, is that your one? Come on, give it. 298 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,884 All right. Quiet, please! Rehearsal is up. 299 00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,260 Assault and burglary. 300 00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,137 Okay. Actors on your marks, please. 301 00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:20,389 Cameras on their marks. 302 00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:21,473 - Here we go. - Hey. 303 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,397 Okay! Let's see if we can get through one of these skits. 304 00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:30,065 Sketches! Davy, please. 305 00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:31,149 And action on rehearsals. 306 00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:32,776 Okay. Ready, Camera One? Take Camera One. 307 00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:37,322 Look, honey. Boeing Boeing with Jerry Lewis is on in 10 minutes. 308 00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:39,616 Ready, Camera Two? Take Camera Two. 309 00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:42,035 Uh, sweetheart, I'm tired. I think I'm just gonna... 310 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,287 have another glass of diet root beer 311 00:11:44,287 --> 00:11:45,956 and go to bed, okay? 312 00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,626 -Aykroyd! - Cue, Danny. 313 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,215 What's the problem? 314 00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:56,591 What's going on, Dan? 315 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,385 It's a little lodged. 316 00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:00,720 Hi, there! 317 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:01,972 Please do not be alarmed. 318 00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:03,890 This is only a simulated assault and burglary. 319 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,309 Repeat. This is a simulated assault and burglary. 320 00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:08,103 This could happen to you at any time. In fact... 321 00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:09,229 - it just has. -Call the police! 322 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,313 No, no! 323 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,399 Don't call the police. I am the police. 324 00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:13,525 Well, I might be, anyway. 325 00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,570 - Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer... -Hold! 326 00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:18,864 Aykroyd, one giant step to the right, please. 327 00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:20,198 Yeah. My right? 328 00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:21,241 - Yes. -Sure. 329 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,243 Uh, say, man, you want me to say anything in this? 330 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,204 Or am I the silent robber type? 331 00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:28,373 I think we're gonna stick to the script this time. 332 00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:29,833 - What script? -Thanks, Garrett. 333 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,252 Okay. Here we go. And action on rehearsal. 334 00:12:32,878 --> 00:12:34,629 Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer. 335 00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:35,922 My name is Kenny Vorstrather. 336 00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:38,467 I'm president of Trojan Horse Home Security. 337 00:12:38,717 --> 00:12:40,844 I have broken into your home tonight to illustrate to you... 338 00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:42,012 ...and your family just how... 339 00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:43,555 Watch out! 340 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:45,807 Shit! 341 00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:47,058 Have your girders been checked? 342 00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:48,393 Piece of shit! You fucking piece of shit! 343 00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:50,520 I'll fucking break your fucking jaw! 344 00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:53,815 Play the cameras back. Play the cameras back. Let's go. 345 00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:56,776 John, are you hurt? 346 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:57,861 Jesus Christ! 347 00:12:58,028 --> 00:12:59,070 You okay? 348 00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:01,156 Need a new gun. Where's props for me, please? 349 00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:02,449 Can somebody clear the children, please? 350 00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:03,575 Excuse me. Watch out, please. 351 00:13:03,742 --> 00:13:05,410 Why? You got any more fucking lights 352 00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,661 you want to drop on us? 353 00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:08,705 Yeah, maybe. Maybe, motherfucker! 354 00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,499 Want me to break your fucking jaw for you? 355 00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,625 Fucking amateur hour! 356 00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,710 I'll bust your fucking jaw for you, motherfucker! 357 00:13:13,877 --> 00:13:16,171 Hey! Hey! How dare you endanger my actors? 358 00:13:16,171 --> 00:13:17,255 Lorne. Lorne, it's not worth it. 359 00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:18,340 Really? Yeah. 360 00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:20,467 You're the one asking for 100 fucking light cues, pal! 361 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,719 Well, feel free to let me know when my expectations 362 00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:23,803 surpass your abilities. 363 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,055 There's a shit-ton of lights. It's not worth it. 364 00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:27,015 You know, I don't know, guys. It was kind of exciting. 365 00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:28,517 Like, it's probably good luck. 366 00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:30,602 Wallie. 367 00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:34,397 Uh. this thing's not gonna work. I need... 368 00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:35,482 Something with a little more heft. 369 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,317 It's got no stopping power. You know what I mean? 370 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,777 The script said pistol. 371 00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:40,779 Well, the script specifically called for... 372 00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:43,615 a Smith and Wesson K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum. 373 00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:44,824 Do we go again? 374 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,743 Uh, in this deathtrap? 375 00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:47,911 Well, we've worked out the kinks. 376 00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:50,330 You know, I still think it was kind of funny. 377 00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,249 How high will this thing go, Al? 378 00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:54,000 - Gilda. Gilda. - Say hello to the cameras, boys. 379 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,378 There's home base... 380 00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:57,754 Kid, this ain't an armory. 381 00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,589 No one's gonna notice the difference. 382 00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:00,757 I'll tell you who'll notice. 383 00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:01,925 A few of the fine folks at home... 384 00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,760 who lugged M16s through four feet of swamp juice 385 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:04,844 in Quang Nam. 386 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,304 Hey, boys! 387 00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:08,306 Guess I picked the wrong day to not wear underwear. 388 00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:09,391 Don't look too hard. 389 00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:10,475 Proud of yourself? 390 00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,185 I'll give you and this circus till the end of the week. 391 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,062 That's funny. 'Cause I give you till the end of the day. 392 00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:17,524 All right, everyone. Let's get this thing cleaned up. 393 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:18,441 Ah, ah, ah, ah... 394 00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:21,403 Grab a light, broom, dustpan. We'll get all this glass. 395 00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:22,529 Mmm-mmm. 396 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,532 Thank you, hermano. 397 00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:28,159 All right, Neil, not with the keys right now. 398 00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:37,085 Pow, pow! Pow, pow! 399 00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,087 Hey, come on, man. 400 00:14:39,254 --> 00:14:40,755 Violence? Really? 401 00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:44,009 Ha-ha! My main man, Jim! 402 00:14:44,175 --> 00:14:48,221 Say, sorry for shooting your Muppets, man. 403 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,931 They're not just... 404 00:14:50,307 --> 00:14:51,891 They're your co-stars. 405 00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:56,313 Is that you? You all right there, Jim? 406 00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:58,231 Yes. 407 00:14:59,608 --> 00:15:00,609 No. 408 00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:05,322 I don't think the writers on the 17th floor speak Muppet. 409 00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:07,657 They tied a belt around Big Bird's neck... 410 00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:10,619 and hung him from my dressing room door. 411 00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:13,163 Hey, I heard about Big Bird. I'm so sorry. 412 00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:15,415 Autoerotic asphyxiation. Who knew? 413 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,751 You're full of baloney. 414 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,419 - Uh-oh. Cursing. -Consider me... 415 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,588 the first rat off this sinkin' ship! 416 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,381 - Oh, really? - Don't jump to... 417 00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:26,426 Oh, wow, that's mature. Well, what can I say? Bon voyage. 418 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,595 Lorne, he was our lighting director. We need lights. 419 00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:29,846 I'm sure there's someone else in the building... 420 00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,431 - who can push a button, Dick. - Hey, he's the only one 421 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,725 who knows the location of the 200 lights you asked for. 422 00:15:34,851 --> 00:15:35,852 What is this? 423 00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:38,897 What's the meaning of this? Who did this? 424 00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:42,025 Hey, I thought we were making a comedy! 425 00:15:57,832 --> 00:16:01,086 Mmm... 426 00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:02,712 Sounding good, guys. 427 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,049 Yeah. Okay. 428 00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:08,551 - All right. - Say, uh... 429 00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:10,303 we actually worked together before. 430 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,889 I sang backup for Belafonte. 431 00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:16,184 Catch that? 432 00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:33,368 The guy is singing, too. 433 00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:36,121 How many people do they have playin' tonight? 434 00:16:36,705 --> 00:16:39,749 No. No, no. See, I am one of the comedic performers, man. 435 00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:41,418 - Yeah, I'm in the cast. - Uh-huh. 436 00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:44,546 You are a professional comedian? 437 00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,382 Uh... Well, uh... No, not... Not... Not... 438 00:16:47,382 --> 00:16:48,967 - Not by trade. - Okay. 439 00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:50,510 Uh... You see, I'm actually a playwright. 440 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,345 - All right. - Perhaps you saw my work... 441 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:55,432 at the Black Arts Repertory Theatre in Harlem. 442 00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:57,100 Yeah, I must have missed that. 443 00:16:58,977 --> 00:17:01,396 Yeah. I actually don't know why they hired me, man. 444 00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:05,066 Yeah, you seem a little tight. 445 00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:06,359 - A little... - Do I? 446 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,695 Yeah, you gotta kinda loosen it up for the show. 447 00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:10,029 Say, Alvin... 448 00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:11,573 Hook Mr... 449 00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,575 - What's your name? - Garrett Morris. 450 00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:15,869 Garrett Morris, y'all, the comedian. 451 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,537 Yeah, hook Mr. Garrett Morris up... 452 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,707 with a little bit of confidence. You know what I'm saying? 453 00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:23,418 - Yeah, come... - Okay. 454 00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:24,794 Go ahead and get it. 455 00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:25,962 Medical grade. 456 00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:28,465 Shit so light, air at the bottom of the bottle. 457 00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:29,632 You're gonna float. 458 00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:31,593 Float? 459 00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:33,720 - I'm gonna put this away. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 460 00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:35,930 This is illegal. 461 00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:39,768 Yeah, well, you're gonna need it. For your comedy. 462 00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,603 - Right. Right. - Yeah. 463 00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:43,938 - Yeah. Yeah. - All right. 464 00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:46,232 - All right, y'all, let's get it. -Scotty, sound check. 465 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:47,942 All right, everyone, quiet for sound check. 466 00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:49,944 Sound check! 467 00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:50,987 This should be fun. 468 00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:02,332 Is this full volume? 469 00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:03,833 The whole enchilada. 470 00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:05,502 Sounds pretty adequate to me. 471 00:18:05,502 --> 00:18:06,795 Well, this isn't Wimbledon. 472 00:18:06,795 --> 00:18:09,130 It needs to feel like a rock concert for everyone at home. 473 00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:11,257 Lorne has such a deep appreciation for music. 474 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:12,675 Shouldn't we have more mics? 475 00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:14,052 One band, one mic. 476 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,932 Dick, this needs to be fixed for tonight. 477 00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:20,517 That's what I've been talking about. 478 00:18:20,683 --> 00:18:22,018 Three, four. 479 00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,486 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this for John? 480 00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:32,779 Yeah, I heard he's in makeup. 481 00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,572 Do you like being yelled at or something? 482 00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:35,782 Here, I've got you. 483 00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:38,201 Where are you going? 484 00:18:49,671 --> 00:18:52,590 Jimmy, do not bet on that hand, please. 485 00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:58,805 Can you hold the door? 486 00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:01,474 Yeah, I think so. 487 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:02,642 Ooh. 488 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,769 - Easy on the macaroni, Carmine. -All right. 489 00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,604 You don't want to hurt your stomach. 490 00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:07,689 All right, Rosie. 491 00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:14,612 There he is... 492 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:17,198 the star of the show. 493 00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:19,993 Come on, Rosie. Not the fucking bees! 494 00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:23,913 I'm not a dashboard ornament. 495 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:27,542 No, you're adorable, is what you are... 496 00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:31,754 and all that fur, every girl's gonna want to squeeze you. 497 00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:35,341 I am a trained professional. 498 00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:38,136 Well, you better watch where you point that stinger. 499 00:19:38,636 --> 00:19:41,472 Come on. You want a little cig? 500 00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:46,394 What happened to my reporter costume? Blaine Hotel? 501 00:19:46,561 --> 00:19:47,687 It's a five-second changeover 502 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,188 from the reporter to ancient Greece, okay? 503 00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,566 Lorne didn't think you'd have time to get into your toga. 504 00:19:52,317 --> 00:19:53,318 Okay. 505 00:19:58,489 --> 00:20:00,533 Excuse me, ma'am. 506 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:01,743 Don't be alarmed. 507 00:20:01,910 --> 00:20:05,288 You're dealing with a fully-qualified male strumpet. 508 00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:07,832 Hey, Rosie, I got the latest version of New Dad. 509 00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:09,000 Okay. 510 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:10,668 Behave. 511 00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:12,420 Bee-have. 512 00:20:14,088 --> 00:20:16,466 I can assure you professional hygiene... 513 00:20:17,175 --> 00:20:19,344 discretion, animal gratification... 514 00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:20,511 Listen, strumpet... 515 00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:22,639 It's Fred Garvin. Male prostitute. 516 00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:24,140 How much is this gonna cost me? 517 00:20:24,307 --> 00:20:25,975 Hey, need you in costumes. 518 00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:28,394 I told them to make those hot pants extra hot. 519 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:29,604 Yummy. 520 00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:31,940 Lorne, we're gonna go check out the cut on New Dad, 521 00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:33,024 you want to see? 522 00:20:35,652 --> 00:20:38,321 Holy shit, holy shit. Sorry, Lorne. Jesus. 523 00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:39,864 Hey, I heard John doesn't like the bee costume. 524 00:20:39,864 --> 00:20:40,949 You know anything about this? 525 00:20:41,115 --> 00:20:42,951 It's not a costume problem. He thinks he's Brando. 526 00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:44,202 - He's better than Brando. - Lorne, Lorne. 527 00:20:44,202 --> 00:20:45,411 I'm working on it, Dick. 528 00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:47,413 He's better than Brando. He's more important even. 529 00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,457 - He'll be studied. - They will study his liver. 530 00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:51,459 John is better when he's angry. 531 00:20:51,459 --> 00:20:53,044 Rose, you understand that in an hour, 532 00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:54,170 I owe a television program? 533 00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:55,296 I made a covenant with the National... 534 00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:56,381 - Broadcasting Company. - A covenant, huh? 535 00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:58,549 Yeah, a covenant, and I'm on the hook for 90 minutes... 536 00:20:58,549 --> 00:21:00,551 - of live television. - Okay, Abraham. 537 00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:05,556 Rose, must you turn him into a bee? 538 00:21:05,723 --> 00:21:06,933 I am not turning him into a bee. 539 00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:08,017 Thanks, Tom. 540 00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:10,228 He is a man in a bee costume. 541 00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:11,688 - There is a difference. - Hmm. 542 00:21:12,647 --> 00:21:14,691 It's an image you can't get out of your head. 543 00:21:14,857 --> 00:21:18,611 It's postmodern, it's Warhol, it's iconic. 544 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:19,862 Mmm-hmm. 545 00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:21,197 Where do these ideas even come from? 546 00:21:21,364 --> 00:21:23,992 I just send an imaginary dog to fetch an imaginary stick. 547 00:21:24,158 --> 00:21:25,493 Yeah? Must be some dog. 548 00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:27,370 He's very well trained. 549 00:21:27,870 --> 00:21:28,955 Honey, I'm home. 550 00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:30,206 Hey, pal. 551 00:21:30,915 --> 00:21:32,542 Hey. 552 00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:33,626 How are ya? 553 00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:35,545 Looks like Chevy's fiancée slipped and fell 554 00:21:35,545 --> 00:21:36,796 into another segment. 555 00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:39,090 Jacqueline's gonna be hosting the show if you're not careful. 556 00:21:39,257 --> 00:21:40,299 Jesus Christ. 557 00:21:40,675 --> 00:21:42,301 A wonderful family. 558 00:21:42,468 --> 00:21:43,636 Everything you need... 559 00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:44,595 ...for the future. 560 00:21:45,179 --> 00:21:46,556 - Danny's good in this. - Yeah, he is. 561 00:21:46,723 --> 00:21:49,726 What if you were suddenly out of the picture? 562 00:21:49,892 --> 00:21:51,686 Can we add sound there over the X? 563 00:21:51,853 --> 00:21:54,188 -Like a buzzer? - No, funny, like a bell. 564 00:21:54,355 --> 00:21:55,440 Good call. 565 00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:57,358 And if we could hold on the photo 566 00:21:57,358 --> 00:21:58,651 for another eight frames. 567 00:21:58,651 --> 00:21:59,986 Um, 16 frames. 568 00:22:02,572 --> 00:22:03,781 Were you... 569 00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:07,201 thinking of going home with him tonight? 570 00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:09,037 With Danny? Tonight? 571 00:22:09,454 --> 00:22:10,621 Yeah. I mean, I'm not suggesting that you weren't gonna tell me. 572 00:22:10,621 --> 00:22:11,706 If you need alone time, I can, I just... 573 00:22:11,706 --> 00:22:12,957 No, no, no. I just didn't know, like, if you were... 574 00:22:12,957 --> 00:22:14,876 It's opening night. So, I figured that it wasn't 575 00:22:14,876 --> 00:22:16,377 - the right time. - I mean, neither did I. 576 00:22:16,544 --> 00:22:17,712 Well, then why are you asking? 577 00:22:17,879 --> 00:22:19,797 Just avoiding surprises, Rose. 578 00:22:19,964 --> 00:22:21,799 - But you love surprises. - I love surprises. 579 00:22:21,966 --> 00:22:24,135 Like Anne Frank loved her drum set. 580 00:22:24,135 --> 00:22:26,262 Don't encourage her. 581 00:22:27,138 --> 00:22:28,139 Can you hold on the photo 582 00:22:28,139 --> 00:22:29,348 for another eight frames, please? 583 00:22:29,515 --> 00:22:30,516 It's always eight frames. 584 00:22:30,683 --> 00:22:32,685 Eight frames is a beat. So... 585 00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:36,564 Can you believe I need to cut an hour of the show? 586 00:22:36,731 --> 00:22:39,067 NBC doesn't want a three-hour sketch comedy review? 587 00:22:39,233 --> 00:22:40,943 Jesus, Rose, don't call it that, please. 588 00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:42,612 Well, what is it, then? 589 00:22:42,779 --> 00:22:44,030 Honey, I'm home. 590 00:22:44,197 --> 00:22:46,199 Yes, it's New Dad. 591 00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:47,825 I spent years collecting orphaned comedians 592 00:22:47,825 --> 00:22:48,910 off the street. 593 00:22:49,077 --> 00:22:50,203 I know. 594 00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:52,246 They sleep on our dinette and they whiz in our sink. 595 00:22:52,413 --> 00:22:53,581 By some miraculous accident... 596 00:22:53,748 --> 00:22:55,166 I found a place to call home 597 00:22:55,166 --> 00:22:56,667 for our little circus of rejects, 598 00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:58,086 on national television. 599 00:22:58,252 --> 00:22:59,712 Rose, this is our shot. 600 00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,339 It's a shot. 601 00:23:01,506 --> 00:23:02,507 Rose... 602 00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:06,219 You're actually nervous. 603 00:23:10,973 --> 00:23:11,974 Oh, uh... 604 00:23:12,683 --> 00:23:14,519 Barbara was asking about, um... 605 00:23:15,144 --> 00:23:18,314 your credit... on the show. 606 00:23:18,481 --> 00:23:20,316 I figured you'd go with Michaels. 607 00:23:20,483 --> 00:23:21,692 Is that what you want? 608 00:23:24,028 --> 00:23:26,864 I mean, you know, we're married and you're my wife. 609 00:23:27,031 --> 00:23:29,367 I figured it's the straightest line. 610 00:23:29,534 --> 00:23:31,452 Lorne, we're married, but I'm not your wife. 611 00:23:31,619 --> 00:23:33,704 Yeah, I don't think that'll fit on a crawl. 612 00:23:33,871 --> 00:23:35,373 Well, what would you prefer? 613 00:23:39,043 --> 00:23:40,378 Lorne, Lorne, NBC execs 614 00:23:40,378 --> 00:23:41,796 are waiting in the green room for you. 615 00:23:42,004 --> 00:23:43,881 - Fuck. - VTR needed this yesterday. 616 00:23:44,048 --> 00:23:45,216 Well, it looks great. 617 00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:50,012 - Tom, Al, what's this about? -Hey, Lorne. 618 00:23:50,179 --> 00:23:52,140 - A last-minute piece. - Just in case you need it. 619 00:23:52,306 --> 00:23:53,432 I don't. What's the gag? 620 00:23:53,599 --> 00:23:55,893 We're gonna dress Aykroyd up as Julia Childs. 621 00:23:56,060 --> 00:23:57,520 - America's favorite chef. - Okay. 622 00:23:57,687 --> 00:23:59,647 And right as she's carvin' up a turkey on live television... 623 00:23:59,814 --> 00:24:01,858 She slices open an artery. Blood everywhere. 624 00:24:02,024 --> 00:24:03,192 Everywhere. 625 00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:05,945 That's the whole pitch? 626 00:24:06,112 --> 00:24:07,113 Yeah, just America's favorite chef 627 00:24:07,113 --> 00:24:08,197 painting the walls with her insides. 628 00:24:08,197 --> 00:24:09,282 Total gore fest. 629 00:24:09,282 --> 00:24:10,658 It's gonna be utter carnage, boss. 630 00:24:10,658 --> 00:24:12,660 Oh, no, I'm Julia Childs 631 00:24:12,660 --> 00:24:14,871 and I've cut the dickens out of my finger. 632 00:24:14,871 --> 00:24:16,122 - Sounds promising. - Wait, wait, boss. 633 00:24:16,122 --> 00:24:17,248 I didn't even get to the good part yet. 634 00:24:17,248 --> 00:24:18,332 Just put down a tarp. 635 00:24:18,332 --> 00:24:19,876 Yeah, he doesn't like the Julia Childs bit. 636 00:24:19,876 --> 00:24:21,294 Uh, George... 637 00:24:23,421 --> 00:24:25,381 - How's Carlin? - Warming up the pipes. 638 00:24:25,381 --> 00:24:28,134 Okay, well, heard Belushi hasn't signed his contract yet. 639 00:24:28,134 --> 00:24:29,427 Eh. Formality. 640 00:24:29,427 --> 00:24:31,679 Uh, yeah, well, they're pretty formal here. 641 00:24:31,679 --> 00:24:34,056 Uh, speaking of, the folks in standards are a little uneasy... 642 00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:35,183 about the parody commercial 643 00:24:35,183 --> 00:24:36,684 playing right before the regular ads. 644 00:24:36,684 --> 00:24:38,519 I think they think the viewers might be a little confused. 645 00:24:38,519 --> 00:24:40,521 One might argue that's what makes it humorous, Dick. 646 00:24:40,521 --> 00:24:41,898 Yeah, but, Lorne, at what point are we 647 00:24:41,898 --> 00:24:43,232 not just making fun of the audience? 648 00:24:43,232 --> 00:24:45,067 Hardly. It's commedia dell'arte. If anything, 649 00:24:45,067 --> 00:24:47,153 it'll make the other commercials feel all the more real... 650 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,071 and the sponsors will probably thank you. 651 00:24:49,614 --> 00:24:50,740 Who's in there? Should I be concerned? 652 00:24:50,907 --> 00:24:52,533 No. Just try not to use words 653 00:24:52,533 --> 00:24:54,243 like "underground" or "revolutionary." 654 00:24:54,410 --> 00:24:55,494 I'm not exactly Che Guevara. 655 00:24:55,661 --> 00:24:56,662 Yeah. 656 00:24:58,414 --> 00:24:59,874 What the fuck? There's like a thousand people in there. 657 00:25:00,041 --> 00:25:02,293 Fifty. The affiliates, from across the country. 658 00:25:02,460 --> 00:25:03,544 Lorne, they're excited to see the show. 659 00:25:03,711 --> 00:25:04,795 I don't have time for this, Dick. 660 00:25:04,962 --> 00:25:06,631 Lorne, these are the people that will decide 661 00:25:06,631 --> 00:25:08,174 whether or not we have a hit. 662 00:25:08,341 --> 00:25:11,135 They choose whether we go on the air. We need them. 663 00:25:13,804 --> 00:25:15,389 - Three minutes? - Tops. 664 00:25:17,308 --> 00:25:19,185 Gentlemen. Hello. Lorne Michaels. 665 00:25:19,352 --> 00:25:20,686 Hi. Lorne Michaels. 666 00:25:20,853 --> 00:25:23,147 Hi. Lorne Michaels. Nice to meet you. Pleasure. 667 00:25:23,314 --> 00:25:25,066 Lorne Michaels. This is my show. 668 00:25:25,233 --> 00:25:27,610 Hi, where are we flying in from, gentlemen? Chicago and... 669 00:25:27,777 --> 00:25:29,737 - New Orleans. - New Orleans? Wow. Fantastic. 670 00:25:29,904 --> 00:25:32,365 Well, we're very lucky to have some Southerners here. 671 00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:33,783 Hi. Nice to meet you. 672 00:25:33,950 --> 00:25:36,827 Hi, gentlemen. Lorne Michaels. I'm the creator of the show. 673 00:25:36,994 --> 00:25:39,038 Hi. Wow. Firm handshake. Hi. 674 00:25:39,205 --> 00:25:41,624 I appreciate your support, gentlemen. Thank you. Hello. Hi. 675 00:25:41,791 --> 00:25:43,542 -Tallahassee. - Tallahassee? Wow. 676 00:25:43,709 --> 00:25:45,378 - Ladies and gentlemen. - Hi. 677 00:25:46,879 --> 00:25:47,880 Who am I kidding? Gentlemen... 678 00:25:50,675 --> 00:25:51,801 Can I see that? 679 00:25:52,510 --> 00:25:53,511 Thank you. 680 00:25:54,679 --> 00:25:55,846 Hope this isn't the only thing 681 00:25:55,846 --> 00:25:57,515 getting sucked on this weekend, boys. 682 00:25:58,516 --> 00:26:00,893 Jesus, you guys look like the cast of Godfather 683 00:26:00,893 --> 00:26:02,603 if it was shot in Alabama. 684 00:26:04,438 --> 00:26:06,315 I see some cowboys here. 685 00:26:06,482 --> 00:26:08,234 That's a hell of a 10-gallon hat. 686 00:26:08,401 --> 00:26:10,236 You look like you're ready for a date with a livestock. 687 00:26:12,947 --> 00:26:14,407 Welcome to New York. 688 00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:15,741 It's quite diverse. 689 00:26:16,075 --> 00:26:17,451 If you want to meet Black people, go to Harlem. 690 00:26:17,618 --> 00:26:19,662 If you want to meet Jews, come to our writer's room. 691 00:26:21,497 --> 00:26:23,499 Sir, you look like you're from Ohio. 692 00:26:23,666 --> 00:26:26,335 My favorite thing about Ohio... 693 00:26:29,046 --> 00:26:30,589 Let me introduce you to our head writer... 694 00:26:31,382 --> 00:26:34,218 our prince of darkness, Michael O'Donoghue. 695 00:26:35,011 --> 00:26:37,054 Thank you. Thank you, Chevy. 696 00:26:37,054 --> 00:26:39,807 Um, I'm certain you all know Mr. Rogers. 697 00:26:39,974 --> 00:26:42,184 Perhaps the most kind and gentle man 698 00:26:42,184 --> 00:26:43,394 in all of television. 699 00:26:43,561 --> 00:26:47,064 This is my impression of Mr. Rogers... 700 00:26:47,231 --> 00:26:50,401 plunging 18-inch steel sewing needles... 701 00:26:50,568 --> 00:26:51,569 into his eyes. 702 00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,792 Okay. Okay. Thank you, Michael. 703 00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:07,835 Um... 704 00:27:08,127 --> 00:27:10,296 Well, now you know why they put us on at midnight. 705 00:27:10,296 --> 00:27:11,339 Um... 706 00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:15,760 Uh, hello, everybody, my name is Lorne Michaels. 707 00:27:15,926 --> 00:27:19,722 I'm the producer and creator of Saturday Night. 708 00:27:21,682 --> 00:27:23,392 We have a wonderful show for you this evening. 709 00:27:23,559 --> 00:27:26,645 George Carlin, the great Billy Preston... 710 00:27:27,772 --> 00:27:28,898 a film by Albert Brooks. 711 00:27:29,357 --> 00:27:31,525 Jim Henson's Muppets. 712 00:27:32,526 --> 00:27:35,154 We're, uh, excited for tonight. 713 00:27:35,738 --> 00:27:36,947 Uh... 714 00:27:36,947 --> 00:27:39,325 Because there's never been a television show... 715 00:27:39,492 --> 00:27:42,703 made for or by the generation... 716 00:27:42,870 --> 00:27:45,664 that grew up watching television. So... 717 00:27:48,834 --> 00:27:52,588 In the words of my dear friend Che Guevara... 718 00:27:53,089 --> 00:27:54,965 this is the revolution. 719 00:27:54,965 --> 00:27:56,050 Yes. Yes. 720 00:27:57,593 --> 00:27:58,803 Who's with us? 721 00:27:58,969 --> 00:28:00,304 Heads on pikes! 722 00:28:00,971 --> 00:28:03,557 Blood will run in the streets! 723 00:28:05,059 --> 00:28:06,352 Gentlemen, behold... 724 00:28:06,977 --> 00:28:08,145 if you listen closely, you can hear... 725 00:28:08,312 --> 00:28:10,689 Buffalo Bob shuckin' the cob with Howdy Doody. 726 00:28:10,856 --> 00:28:11,941 Lorne can get a little passionate. 727 00:28:11,941 --> 00:28:13,401 And so can Chevy. 728 00:28:13,776 --> 00:28:14,902 - Blood in the streets? - Yeah. 729 00:28:15,069 --> 00:28:16,737 - Well, that sounds delightful. - Mmm-hmm 730 00:28:16,904 --> 00:28:19,240 How much are we spending on this insurrection? 731 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,492 Uh, about 250 an episode. 732 00:28:21,659 --> 00:28:23,702 Well, I guess revolutions aren't cheap. 733 00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:24,787 Right. 734 00:28:24,954 --> 00:28:27,373 What is this? Absolutely not. 735 00:28:27,540 --> 00:28:29,542 No. No, no, no. We're not gonna beg for their approval. 736 00:28:29,542 --> 00:28:30,668 No, take it down, we don't need this. 737 00:28:30,668 --> 00:28:31,752 Well, you know... 738 00:28:31,752 --> 00:28:33,295 Lorne Michaels is a special bird, you know. 739 00:28:33,295 --> 00:28:34,380 He believes in his vision. 740 00:28:35,214 --> 00:28:36,799 Well, that's nice. 741 00:28:37,716 --> 00:28:38,551 Mmm... 742 00:28:39,969 --> 00:28:41,387 And he doesn't really bend. 743 00:28:43,180 --> 00:28:45,349 We know how that story goes. 744 00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:48,352 Mmm-hmm. 745 00:28:49,645 --> 00:28:51,772 Des Moines. How'd you escape? 746 00:28:51,939 --> 00:28:53,691 Well, I appreciate you saying that. 747 00:28:54,275 --> 00:28:56,694 My father had good taste and my mom was an alcoholic. 748 00:28:56,861 --> 00:29:00,448 Excuse me, gentlemen. Can I borrow him for a moment? 749 00:29:00,865 --> 00:29:02,324 Enjoy the show, gentlemen. 750 00:29:03,451 --> 00:29:05,035 You held that room like a pro. 751 00:29:05,035 --> 00:29:07,079 - Thank you. - I mean it. 752 00:29:07,496 --> 00:29:09,540 I'm Dave Tebet, head of talent. 753 00:29:09,707 --> 00:29:11,750 You know, I handle The Tonight Show. 754 00:29:12,084 --> 00:29:13,335 I didn't know that. 755 00:29:14,295 --> 00:29:15,296 Between us... 756 00:29:15,463 --> 00:29:17,756 Johnny Carson isn't gonna be around forever. 757 00:29:19,341 --> 00:29:20,509 Think about it. 758 00:29:22,303 --> 00:29:24,472 You're a handsome, funny gentile. 759 00:29:26,557 --> 00:29:27,892 That means something. 760 00:29:40,070 --> 00:29:42,323 Uh, Lorne, you remember Dave Tebet. 761 00:29:43,073 --> 00:29:44,116 Oh, of course. 762 00:29:44,283 --> 00:29:45,451 I remember everyone who gives me a job, Dick. 763 00:29:45,618 --> 00:29:46,785 Smart kid. 764 00:29:46,952 --> 00:29:48,496 Quite a lineup this evening. 765 00:29:48,662 --> 00:29:50,206 You know, while I have you, I do understand 766 00:29:50,206 --> 00:29:51,624 that we are bending some of the rules... 767 00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:54,084 Lorne, this is NBC. There is a way things are done. 768 00:29:54,251 --> 00:29:55,628 - The Peacock way. - Right. 769 00:29:55,794 --> 00:29:56,837 Well, we are thinking a little differently. 770 00:29:56,837 --> 00:29:57,922 We just, you know... 771 00:29:57,922 --> 00:29:59,256 You know, maybe an emu. 772 00:29:59,256 --> 00:30:00,382 Hey, that's... Well, I just... 773 00:30:00,549 --> 00:30:01,592 Dick, shut the fuck up. 774 00:30:03,385 --> 00:30:06,722 Can't you see talent when it's standing inches from your face? 775 00:30:06,722 --> 00:30:08,349 -Mmm-hmm. - What do you think he's gonna do? 776 00:30:08,516 --> 00:30:10,768 Embarrass us with some half-assed, 777 00:30:10,768 --> 00:30:12,269 rat-fuck donkey show? 778 00:30:12,436 --> 00:30:14,021 Frankly, that's exactly what I signed up for. 779 00:30:14,188 --> 00:30:15,898 - Michael. - I expect you... 780 00:30:16,065 --> 00:30:19,610 to be an unbending force of seismic disturbance. 781 00:30:19,985 --> 00:30:23,697 Light up that NBC switchboard like a bomb went off. 782 00:30:23,697 --> 00:30:26,242 Well, I promise not to play the music too loud. 783 00:30:26,242 --> 00:30:29,495 Oh, fuck that. This isn't the Moose Jaw Jazz Festival. 784 00:30:29,662 --> 00:30:30,829 It's Saturday fucking Night. 785 00:30:30,996 --> 00:30:32,998 I want you to be thunderous and deafening. 786 00:30:33,165 --> 00:30:35,960 If my ears don't bleed, I'll be asking for a refund. 787 00:30:36,126 --> 00:30:37,920 Great. I mean, I've always seen this 788 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:39,046 as a collision that erupts... 789 00:30:39,213 --> 00:30:40,714 - from every screen in America. - Yes. Yes. 790 00:30:40,881 --> 00:30:43,217 A prism that captures the light of an emerging generation. 791 00:30:43,384 --> 00:30:45,511 Stop! Don't say another word. 792 00:30:45,678 --> 00:30:49,139 Don't question another instinct. 793 00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:50,975 - Ebersol? - Yes? 794 00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:54,311 We're standing in the presence of a prophet. 795 00:30:54,478 --> 00:30:55,479 Yeah, he certainly talks like a... 796 00:30:55,646 --> 00:30:58,732 A man with a vision. 797 00:30:59,149 --> 00:31:01,318 And I want you to take that vision... 798 00:31:01,819 --> 00:31:03,445 like a Sherman Tank... 799 00:31:03,612 --> 00:31:07,032 and plow through any fuck that gets in your way. 800 00:31:07,199 --> 00:31:08,576 Even me. 801 00:31:09,910 --> 00:31:12,621 "Use emotion for the many and reserve reason for the few." 802 00:31:13,038 --> 00:31:14,123 I like that. 803 00:31:14,707 --> 00:31:16,417 I'm putting it on my wall. 804 00:31:19,503 --> 00:31:21,005 Was that a Hitler quote? 805 00:31:21,005 --> 00:31:22,673 Atrocities aside, the man was a wordsmith. 806 00:31:22,673 --> 00:31:24,174 You missed a call from Johnny Carson. 807 00:31:24,174 --> 00:31:25,426 I picked up the phone 'cause it was ringing. 808 00:31:25,426 --> 00:31:26,510 What did you tell him? 809 00:31:26,510 --> 00:31:28,262 I told... I don't remember. He hung up on me. 810 00:31:28,262 --> 00:31:29,680 Lorne, Lorne. Is that a bunk bed? 811 00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:31,181 I did have a UFO encounter experience once. 812 00:31:31,348 --> 00:31:32,349 Danny ordered it for his office. 813 00:31:32,516 --> 00:31:34,685 That's confidence. Can you find me something to eat? 814 00:31:34,852 --> 00:31:36,937 Neil, why would he order a bunk bed? 815 00:31:38,522 --> 00:31:39,898 Could you get that hippie shit out of my face? 816 00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:41,442 And I am actually very strong. 817 00:31:41,442 --> 00:31:42,526 Thinking that he can do the voice? 818 00:31:42,526 --> 00:31:44,278 - It's Aykroyd. Of course he can. - It's Aykroyd. 819 00:31:44,278 --> 00:31:45,404 But that doesn't necessarily mean anything. 820 00:31:45,571 --> 00:31:46,572 Hello, boys. 821 00:31:46,739 --> 00:31:48,365 - Hey, Mike. Are you nervous? - Hey, Mike. 822 00:31:48,532 --> 00:31:50,284 - Nervous about what? - Performing on live TV. 823 00:31:50,451 --> 00:31:51,660 I'd be shitting bricks. 824 00:31:51,827 --> 00:31:55,456 Television is merely a lava lamp with slightly better audio. 825 00:31:56,123 --> 00:31:58,167 Colored beads to fascinate the animal. 826 00:31:58,334 --> 00:31:59,960 I could do it in a narcoleptic coma. 827 00:32:00,127 --> 00:32:02,129 Hello, Herb. How's Update coming? 828 00:32:02,296 --> 00:32:04,715 South Vietnam has seized and burned 829 00:32:04,715 --> 00:32:06,967 100,000 Playboy magazines. 830 00:32:07,134 --> 00:32:08,427 I'm still working on the punch line. 831 00:32:09,845 --> 00:32:12,723 For miles, all anyone could smell was roast bunny. 832 00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,686 That's the one. Grab it, boys. We need that couch. 833 00:32:18,604 --> 00:32:20,022 - Rise and shine. - Oh, God. 834 00:32:20,648 --> 00:32:22,191 - Coming through, coming through. - Whoo! Okay. 835 00:32:23,651 --> 00:32:24,735 Oh, pages. 836 00:32:24,735 --> 00:32:25,819 - Watch your back. -Coming through. 837 00:32:25,819 --> 00:32:27,821 Oh. Here we are. 838 00:32:29,865 --> 00:32:30,991 You all right there, Chev? 839 00:32:32,493 --> 00:32:33,702 Things are... 840 00:32:34,495 --> 00:32:35,829 kooper kippy, Herb. 841 00:32:36,497 --> 00:32:37,790 I think it just happened. 842 00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:40,125 Think I got the old shoulder tap. 843 00:32:41,210 --> 00:32:42,419 - The what? - You know... 844 00:32:43,087 --> 00:32:44,588 from the guys upstairs. 845 00:32:45,798 --> 00:32:48,258 What's gonna happen to me? I mean, Herb... 846 00:32:49,510 --> 00:32:52,596 you've been around the block. Where am I going from here? 847 00:32:52,763 --> 00:32:53,847 Well, I don't know, Chevy. 848 00:32:54,223 --> 00:32:55,891 I never got a shoulder tap. 849 00:32:56,642 --> 00:32:58,185 I just made a fortune... 850 00:32:58,352 --> 00:33:00,187 and won a few Emmys... 851 00:33:00,354 --> 00:33:01,522 and slept with Gloria Steinem. 852 00:33:01,980 --> 00:33:02,981 Two out of three ain't bad. 853 00:33:03,315 --> 00:33:04,316 Here we are. 854 00:33:04,900 --> 00:33:06,485 Oh, wow, you're in so many scenes. 855 00:33:06,652 --> 00:33:10,197 Well... Yeah, but I'm always everyone's kid sister. 856 00:33:10,364 --> 00:33:11,365 You're the hot one. 857 00:33:11,532 --> 00:33:13,117 I think Jane's the hot one. 858 00:33:13,283 --> 00:33:16,453 No, I'm the mom. The still-fuckable mom. 859 00:33:18,205 --> 00:33:20,124 My instinct is that the American people 860 00:33:20,124 --> 00:33:22,084 are gonna fall in love with you. 861 00:33:22,751 --> 00:33:26,338 You'll be obscenely overpaid for pratfalls and cute jokes. 862 00:33:26,505 --> 00:33:28,549 You'll waste away most of your life... 863 00:33:29,216 --> 00:33:31,009 with purchased company. 864 00:33:31,635 --> 00:33:33,220 And then eventually you'll self-medicate... 865 00:33:33,387 --> 00:33:36,223 with booze and hookers and heroin. 866 00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:38,809 I imagine you'll die alone. 867 00:33:39,810 --> 00:33:41,979 Falling out of a hotel room window in Stockholm. 868 00:33:42,146 --> 00:33:43,147 Jesus. 869 00:33:44,022 --> 00:33:45,023 I can't wait. 870 00:33:45,524 --> 00:33:47,151 Well, you're everyone's favorite, Gilda. 871 00:33:47,443 --> 00:33:49,653 I'm just a bagel looking for lox. 872 00:33:49,820 --> 00:33:52,740 I'm a parrot with nothing to squawk. 873 00:33:52,906 --> 00:33:54,116 Well, I keep feeling like any minute, 874 00:33:54,116 --> 00:33:56,076 Lorne's just gonna ship me back. 875 00:33:56,076 --> 00:33:58,912 Oh. No. On this budget, we can't afford the postage. 876 00:33:59,079 --> 00:34:00,247 There's a reason you're here. 877 00:34:00,247 --> 00:34:01,665 You may not know it, but Lorne does. 878 00:34:01,665 --> 00:34:03,292 - Oh, God! - You're dealing here with... 879 00:34:03,292 --> 00:34:04,793 a fully-qualified male strumpet. 880 00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:06,503 I'm not a prop, mister. 881 00:34:06,670 --> 00:34:08,839 You know, I can assure you professional hygiene... 882 00:34:09,339 --> 00:34:12,092 discretion, animal gratification. 883 00:34:12,259 --> 00:34:14,511 Why don't you assure me a little peace and quiet? 884 00:34:14,678 --> 00:34:15,679 You rang? 885 00:34:15,846 --> 00:34:17,473 Yeah. I need the Muppet pages. 886 00:34:17,639 --> 00:34:18,891 I already turned in that one script. 887 00:34:19,057 --> 00:34:20,267 Was Henson uncomfortable 888 00:34:20,267 --> 00:34:22,019 with the Muppets on a plantation? 889 00:34:22,019 --> 00:34:23,103 It was a musical number. 890 00:34:23,103 --> 00:34:24,480 I don't think that's the problem. 891 00:34:25,272 --> 00:34:27,649 I just can't write for those little hairy facecloths. 892 00:34:27,816 --> 00:34:28,817 Well, I need something for Henson. 893 00:34:28,817 --> 00:34:29,985 We go live in an hour. 894 00:34:30,569 --> 00:34:33,572 You cannot say "horny" on NBC. 895 00:34:34,114 --> 00:34:35,824 Did you see what that evangelical cunt 896 00:34:35,824 --> 00:34:37,117 did to our pages? 897 00:34:40,662 --> 00:34:41,955 I'll be right back. 898 00:34:42,122 --> 00:34:44,124 So you want us to say sexy instead of horny? 899 00:34:44,291 --> 00:34:45,584 And sexy and horny just don't mean the same thing. 900 00:34:45,751 --> 00:34:47,669 I struggle to see the difference. 901 00:34:47,836 --> 00:34:50,047 Well, if a dog is humping your leg, it's horny. 902 00:34:50,214 --> 00:34:51,340 It's certainly not sexy. 903 00:34:51,507 --> 00:34:53,091 What on earth are you doing? 904 00:34:54,718 --> 00:34:57,846 I'd rather butt-fuck cancer than make these changes. 905 00:35:06,355 --> 00:35:09,107 Your words don't scare me, Mr. O'Donoghue. 906 00:35:09,274 --> 00:35:11,401 I am a woman of God. 907 00:35:11,568 --> 00:35:14,363 I'd heard that God's love is blind. Now I know why. 908 00:35:14,363 --> 00:35:16,031 You see this? 909 00:35:16,240 --> 00:35:17,241 I do. 910 00:35:17,407 --> 00:35:20,244 I know it looks like an ordinary red marker... 911 00:35:20,410 --> 00:35:22,204 but this one is special. 912 00:35:22,371 --> 00:35:25,499 It has kept America safe for the better part of a decade. 913 00:35:25,666 --> 00:35:26,667 It is a weapon... 914 00:35:26,834 --> 00:35:29,670 against vulgarity, sex... 915 00:35:29,837 --> 00:35:33,131 communism, and hedonism. 916 00:35:33,340 --> 00:35:37,594 Oh. What about violence? Does it protect America from violence? 917 00:35:37,761 --> 00:35:38,804 Yes, that too. 918 00:35:38,971 --> 00:35:40,514 How about infanticide? 919 00:35:41,139 --> 00:35:42,140 Excuse me? 920 00:35:42,307 --> 00:35:43,725 Apologies. Just a... 921 00:35:44,142 --> 00:35:46,770 $2 word for a parent who kills their own child. 922 00:35:48,772 --> 00:35:50,399 The mere thought makes me nauseous. 923 00:35:50,399 --> 00:35:52,317 Oh, understandably. Me too, by the way. 924 00:35:52,317 --> 00:35:53,819 It's just I had this idea for a sketch, 925 00:35:53,819 --> 00:35:54,945 and I'm not sure if it's funny. 926 00:35:54,945 --> 00:35:56,029 You can be the judge. 927 00:35:56,196 --> 00:35:57,322 It's about this... 928 00:35:57,865 --> 00:35:59,074 powerful, temperamental guy 929 00:35:59,074 --> 00:36:00,951 who rapes this virgin in the middle of the night. 930 00:36:00,951 --> 00:36:02,119 I know, awful. 931 00:36:02,286 --> 00:36:04,329 Knocks her up without ever saying "Hello..." 932 00:36:04,496 --> 00:36:05,873 buying her flowers, whatever. 933 00:36:05,873 --> 00:36:07,416 And then... 934 00:36:07,583 --> 00:36:08,750 here's the funny part. 935 00:36:09,251 --> 00:36:10,836 He has their bastard son... 936 00:36:11,003 --> 00:36:13,797 publicly mutilated and tortured to death on a cross. 937 00:36:16,133 --> 00:36:18,218 You are a vile human. 938 00:36:18,927 --> 00:36:20,429 Ah, fuck. You've heard this before. 939 00:36:22,639 --> 00:36:23,640 Mr. O'Donoghue. 940 00:36:23,807 --> 00:36:26,476 Are we still being formal? Please, just call me Satan. 941 00:36:26,476 --> 00:36:27,561 No, I am Satan. 942 00:36:28,103 --> 00:36:29,521 - I am Satan. - I am Satan. 943 00:36:29,688 --> 00:36:30,898 - I am Satan. - I'm Satan. 944 00:36:31,064 --> 00:36:32,441 -No. I am Satan. -We're Satan. 945 00:36:32,608 --> 00:36:36,904 You will be forgotten. I am gonna make sure of it. 946 00:36:37,529 --> 00:36:38,822 Bye. 947 00:36:41,450 --> 00:36:42,659 Are you out of your mind? 948 00:36:42,659 --> 00:36:44,161 Look, for better or worse, I call it like I see it. 949 00:36:44,161 --> 00:36:45,287 Well, that was worse. 950 00:36:45,287 --> 00:36:46,538 Lorne, they need you at the loading dock. 951 00:36:46,538 --> 00:36:47,623 I'm sure someone can sign for whatever. 952 00:36:47,623 --> 00:36:48,707 You're back on the Muppets. 953 00:36:48,707 --> 00:36:50,208 -Fuck you, I'll quit. - Yeah, I doubt that. 954 00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:51,376 It's Leo. He's been fighting 955 00:36:51,376 --> 00:36:52,669 with security, and there's blood. 956 00:36:53,211 --> 00:36:54,630 Oh, my God. Dick. 957 00:36:55,047 --> 00:36:56,048 Oh, shit. 958 00:37:00,052 --> 00:37:00,886 Ah! 959 00:37:00,886 --> 00:37:03,096 - Hey! - Hey, Dick. Is this turkey? 960 00:37:03,096 --> 00:37:04,723 -While I have... - There wasn't a sign, so I... 961 00:37:04,723 --> 00:37:05,807 - Great. - Lorne, Lorne. 962 00:37:05,807 --> 00:37:06,850 While I have you... 963 00:37:06,850 --> 00:37:09,102 Uh, I know you always want to be on the cutting edge. 964 00:37:09,603 --> 00:37:10,604 Check this out. 965 00:37:11,188 --> 00:37:12,356 Polaroid. 966 00:37:14,524 --> 00:37:15,525 Okay. 967 00:37:16,693 --> 00:37:18,862 Uh, we can have the actors demo it live. 968 00:37:19,029 --> 00:37:21,448 Write it into sketches, do live commercials. 969 00:37:21,615 --> 00:37:23,033 Funny ones. The payout is bonkers. 970 00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:24,993 Dick, the cast didn't sign up to do live commercials. 971 00:37:25,202 --> 00:37:26,203 Neither did I. 972 00:37:26,370 --> 00:37:28,330 Some of the cast might find that very unseemly. 973 00:37:28,330 --> 00:37:29,790 I completely understand. 974 00:37:29,790 --> 00:37:31,792 But television's driven by advertising. 975 00:37:31,792 --> 00:37:33,251 It's what makes the motor run. 976 00:37:33,251 --> 00:37:34,586 It's really not a big deal at all. 977 00:37:34,586 --> 00:37:36,254 Just please don't show this to the talent. 978 00:37:36,254 --> 00:37:37,631 I don't want them thinking 979 00:37:37,631 --> 00:37:38,924 they're back on the Kraft Macaroni Hour. 980 00:37:39,675 --> 00:37:41,593 You know, what, are we going kayaking? What is this? 981 00:37:42,302 --> 00:37:43,595 Lorne, we're over budget. 982 00:37:44,221 --> 00:37:45,263 Dick, you don't need to tell me that. 983 00:37:45,430 --> 00:37:46,682 Someone needs to tell you that. 984 00:37:46,682 --> 00:37:48,016 We don't even know what the show is yet. 985 00:37:48,016 --> 00:37:49,559 How could we possibly know the budget? 986 00:37:49,559 --> 00:37:50,644 That's true. That's a good point. 987 00:37:50,644 --> 00:37:51,770 Neil, please. 988 00:37:51,770 --> 00:37:53,271 If we don't know what the show is, 989 00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:54,815 Lorne, what the fuck are we doing here? 990 00:37:54,982 --> 00:37:56,608 I know the ingredients. 991 00:37:57,401 --> 00:37:58,443 Just not the amounts. 992 00:37:58,443 --> 00:37:59,528 Lorne, what does that mean? 993 00:37:59,695 --> 00:38:01,405 We just have to make it to 11:30. 994 00:38:01,405 --> 00:38:03,073 Hey! 995 00:38:03,073 --> 00:38:04,533 Ah! 996 00:38:04,533 --> 00:38:05,784 Fuck! You fascist. 997 00:38:05,951 --> 00:38:07,953 - You want to lose your job? - You want to lose your teeth? 998 00:38:07,953 --> 00:38:09,663 I'm the producer of NBC'S Saturday Night 999 00:38:09,663 --> 00:38:11,248 and you just hit a man with a Tony. 1000 00:38:11,248 --> 00:38:13,333 - I've hit plenty of Tony's. - All right. Hey, that's enough. 1001 00:38:13,750 --> 00:38:16,169 Tell your friends, no deliveries after 6:00 p.m. 1002 00:38:16,420 --> 00:38:18,255 -Shove it up your ass. -Fuck you. 1003 00:38:18,255 --> 00:38:19,715 All right. Keep going with the bricks. 1004 00:38:19,715 --> 00:38:21,425 You took that punch like a champ. 1005 00:38:21,425 --> 00:38:22,843 I'm actually not sure you're supposed 1006 00:38:22,843 --> 00:38:24,344 to be pinching the bottom of the nostrils. 1007 00:38:24,344 --> 00:38:25,429 If you pinch a little higher... 1008 00:38:25,429 --> 00:38:28,515 Hey, guys, I'm so sorry. Am I missing something? 1009 00:38:28,682 --> 00:38:30,976 Why are we using real brick? Can't we just roll out linoleum? 1010 00:38:31,143 --> 00:38:33,854 - Hey! Fuck you! - Okay. Jesus. Just relax. 1011 00:38:33,854 --> 00:38:35,772 Dick, our vision for home base is a street corner... 1012 00:38:35,772 --> 00:38:37,733 with all the grit and texture of New York City. 1013 00:38:37,733 --> 00:38:39,901 Yeah, okay. I mean, are we gonna use real blood and vomit, too? 1014 00:38:39,901 --> 00:38:41,028 I'll give you some real fucking blood. 1015 00:38:41,028 --> 00:38:42,112 Hey, hey, whoa, no more fighting. 1016 00:38:42,112 --> 00:38:43,447 No more fighting. He doesn't know. 1017 00:38:43,447 --> 00:38:44,656 He doesn't know. It's okay. 1018 00:38:46,992 --> 00:38:48,660 Why are we stopping? 1019 00:38:54,499 --> 00:38:56,251 - Hello, everybody. -Andy. 1020 00:38:56,251 --> 00:38:58,170 What are you... You can't keep wandering off like that. 1021 00:38:58,170 --> 00:38:59,713 I had to go to the bathroom. 1022 00:38:59,713 --> 00:39:00,964 That's very good. That's very good. 1023 00:39:00,964 --> 00:39:02,049 Lorne... 1024 00:39:02,049 --> 00:39:03,050 Barbara, what time do you have? 1025 00:39:03,050 --> 00:39:04,634 Uh, 10:39. 1026 00:39:04,801 --> 00:39:06,178 - Lorne. -Hmm? 1027 00:39:07,220 --> 00:39:08,221 The brick. 1028 00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:09,681 It's... 1029 00:39:14,519 --> 00:39:16,521 It's got its pockets out. It's workmanlike. 1030 00:39:16,688 --> 00:39:18,065 It's honest. 1031 00:39:18,231 --> 00:39:19,900 Dick, it's critical for the success of the show. 1032 00:39:20,067 --> 00:39:22,110 Okay, but what is the show? 1033 00:39:27,783 --> 00:39:29,785 I mean, honestly, Dick, if you don't know by now... 1034 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:33,622 Chevy Chase. 1035 00:39:34,039 --> 00:39:35,874 Gilda Radner. 1036 00:39:36,333 --> 00:39:37,918 Dan Ayk-a... 1037 00:39:38,085 --> 00:39:40,087 How the fuck do you pronounce this? 1038 00:39:40,253 --> 00:39:41,254 Aykroyd. 1039 00:39:41,588 --> 00:39:42,672 Dan Aykroyd. 1040 00:39:42,839 --> 00:39:44,216 50 minutes, everybody! 1041 00:39:44,382 --> 00:39:46,093 Laraine Newman. 1042 00:39:46,426 --> 00:39:47,677 You nervous? 1043 00:39:48,220 --> 00:39:50,138 Uh, no. No, not really. 1044 00:39:50,305 --> 00:39:51,973 I mean, I've only got a couple bits. 1045 00:39:52,140 --> 00:39:54,142 The jury thing and a TV host. 1046 00:39:55,060 --> 00:39:56,645 Uh-huh... 1047 00:39:58,021 --> 00:40:02,025 Say, you ever wonder exactly what it is you are doing here? 1048 00:40:02,901 --> 00:40:04,778 Yeah, and I think I've got a pretty good idea. 1049 00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:06,321 And what is that? 1050 00:40:06,905 --> 00:40:08,365 Well, Garrett, I'll tell ya, 1051 00:40:08,365 --> 00:40:10,992 I like to give 100% in everything I do. 1052 00:40:12,077 --> 00:40:14,579 And I like a dish soap that does that too. 1053 00:40:15,831 --> 00:40:18,834 So alive, so young, so alluring... 1054 00:40:19,376 --> 00:40:22,003 so exotic, so hypnotic... 1055 00:40:22,462 --> 00:40:23,713 so manipulative... 1056 00:40:24,047 --> 00:40:27,342 so sadistically abusive... 1057 00:40:27,509 --> 00:40:29,594 so cartoonishly abhorrent... 1058 00:40:30,095 --> 00:40:31,555 You see, when it comes to my skin 1059 00:40:31,555 --> 00:40:33,014 and my sensitive parts... 1060 00:40:33,223 --> 00:40:36,476 I only trust 100% American-made steel wool. 1061 00:40:36,476 --> 00:40:38,478 Strong enough for a man... 1062 00:40:38,645 --> 00:40:41,523 but whimsical and helpless enough for a woman. 1063 00:40:42,023 --> 00:40:43,900 And don't wait. Act now. 1064 00:40:44,317 --> 00:40:46,319 Act like your very life depends on it. 1065 00:40:46,486 --> 00:40:48,196 Act like your children's lives depend on it. 1066 00:40:48,363 --> 00:40:52,659 Act like the children in Africa's lives depend on it. 1067 00:40:54,619 --> 00:40:56,538 Man, what the fuck 1068 00:40:56,538 --> 00:40:58,456 - was all of that? - That was my 20s, Garrett. 1069 00:40:58,623 --> 00:41:00,584 And that is exactly what I'm doing here. 1070 00:41:01,001 --> 00:41:02,002 Well, shit... 1071 00:41:02,169 --> 00:41:05,255 I'm just here to play the butler... 1072 00:41:05,589 --> 00:41:08,592 the shoeshine guy, and the pimp. 1073 00:41:09,634 --> 00:41:11,303 Think you seem a little nice for a pimp. 1074 00:41:12,012 --> 00:41:14,055 You're a little pretty for a comedienne. 1075 00:41:14,306 --> 00:41:16,099 Well, cheers to staying out of the spotlight. 1076 00:41:16,099 --> 00:41:17,058 Hmm. 1077 00:41:17,058 --> 00:41:21,479 Ladies and gentlemen, your host, George Carlin! 1078 00:41:21,646 --> 00:41:23,940 You can't just let me come out from behind a goddamn curtain? 1079 00:41:24,107 --> 00:41:26,193 I have to descend like Norma fuckin' Desmond. 1080 00:41:26,359 --> 00:41:28,486 All right. Fuck you, everyone. 1081 00:41:28,653 --> 00:41:30,655 Fuck you, fuck you. 1082 00:41:30,822 --> 00:41:32,115 I've definitely fucked you. 1083 00:41:32,282 --> 00:41:33,742 -Fuck you. - Yeah. 1084 00:41:33,909 --> 00:41:35,827 -Fuck you. - Fuck all of you. 1085 00:41:35,994 --> 00:41:37,078 You have to distract her. 1086 00:41:37,245 --> 00:41:38,371 How? 1087 00:41:38,538 --> 00:41:39,873 With your sparkling wit. 1088 00:41:42,250 --> 00:41:43,335 Excuse me, miss. 1089 00:41:43,335 --> 00:41:45,212 Could you confirm that this is a normal deck of cards? 1090 00:41:45,378 --> 00:41:46,838 No marks, no folds, no blemishes? 1091 00:41:47,005 --> 00:41:49,966 -George! - Yeah. All right. 1092 00:41:49,966 --> 00:41:52,135 Welcome to the show. I have some musics and laughs. 1093 00:41:52,302 --> 00:41:54,554 I plug the record, blah-blah-blah. 1094 00:41:54,554 --> 00:41:57,515 Regular old deck, 52 cards. I am going to make... 1095 00:41:57,515 --> 00:41:59,309 -George, keep going, please. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1096 00:41:59,309 --> 00:42:00,769 You ever look at the crowds in old movies 1097 00:42:00,769 --> 00:42:02,145 and wonder if they're dead yet? 1098 00:42:02,312 --> 00:42:03,438 Slow, slow, slow! 1099 00:42:05,398 --> 00:42:07,525 Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? 1100 00:42:07,943 --> 00:42:09,402 And throw to Janis. 1101 00:42:09,819 --> 00:42:10,820 What? 1102 00:42:10,987 --> 00:42:13,323 Yeah, throw it to Janis. Introduce her, please. 1103 00:42:13,949 --> 00:42:15,992 - Keep going. - Ladies and gentlemen... 1104 00:42:16,159 --> 00:42:17,452 Janis Ian. 1105 00:42:35,303 --> 00:42:36,388 - Mr. Carlin? - Yeah? 1106 00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:38,890 I am Joan Carbunkle, NBC standards. 1107 00:42:39,057 --> 00:42:40,725 - Oh, I didn't know they had any. - Joan, he's very busy. 1108 00:42:40,892 --> 00:42:42,269 Just please share your concerns with me, all right? 1109 00:42:42,435 --> 00:42:44,646 No, no, no. I'd like to hear her concerns personally, 1110 00:42:44,646 --> 00:42:45,730 if you don't mind. 1111 00:42:45,897 --> 00:42:47,565 I know you have a propensity for the obscene... 1112 00:42:47,732 --> 00:42:50,402 and a lurid interest in colorful language. 1113 00:42:50,568 --> 00:42:51,903 - Thank you very much. - Mr. Carlin... 1114 00:42:52,070 --> 00:42:53,363 you'll be happy to know that there is... 1115 00:42:54,489 --> 00:42:56,283 one delay button... 1116 00:42:56,449 --> 00:42:58,868 and my finger is on it. 1117 00:43:01,579 --> 00:43:03,581 I'm surprised you even found the button... 1118 00:43:03,748 --> 00:43:05,208 let alone touched it. 1119 00:43:07,544 --> 00:43:09,045 Is this your eight of diamonds? 1120 00:43:15,510 --> 00:43:16,511 Are you gonna help? 1121 00:43:16,678 --> 00:43:19,848 I really wish we could, but, uh, we don't do bricks. 1122 00:43:20,015 --> 00:43:21,474 What guild is it that does the bricks? 1123 00:43:21,641 --> 00:43:22,934 Is that 422? 1124 00:43:23,101 --> 00:43:25,020 No, that's carpenters. How about 303? 1125 00:43:25,186 --> 00:43:27,564 Nah, that's the pipefitters. 1126 00:43:28,565 --> 00:43:30,191 I don't know why you're laying brick. 1127 00:43:30,358 --> 00:43:31,943 You're gonna be gone in two weeks. 1128 00:43:35,655 --> 00:43:37,949 So, it's gonna be like one of those 1950s safari flicks. 1129 00:43:38,116 --> 00:43:39,743 You know, the ones with Rhonda Fleming, Susan Hayward. 1130 00:43:39,909 --> 00:43:41,494 That's a prop. 1131 00:43:44,164 --> 00:43:46,291 So, I want you to take this bowl of potato chips here. 1132 00:43:46,291 --> 00:43:47,459 - Me? - Yes, you. 1133 00:43:47,459 --> 00:43:48,585 I want you to reach into them. 1134 00:43:48,752 --> 00:43:49,753 Every time I take a step, 1135 00:43:49,753 --> 00:43:50,879 give 'em a little crunch, all right? 1136 00:43:50,879 --> 00:43:52,756 It's like we're in the safari. Ready? 1137 00:43:53,131 --> 00:43:54,215 Give it a try. 1138 00:43:58,178 --> 00:44:00,055 Early. 1139 00:44:00,221 --> 00:44:02,015 I just got this job. 1140 00:44:02,349 --> 00:44:04,142 Now we're getting it. 1141 00:44:05,602 --> 00:44:08,188 You piece of shit. 1142 00:44:08,188 --> 00:44:10,315 That was nice. Not bad. 1143 00:44:16,279 --> 00:44:17,697 Caw! Caw! 1144 00:44:17,989 --> 00:44:19,240 Don't shoot me. 1145 00:44:22,827 --> 00:44:23,953 I know that noise. 1146 00:44:25,038 --> 00:44:27,040 That's a monkey being run over by the C-train. 1147 00:44:28,708 --> 00:44:30,085 My archnemesis. 1148 00:44:30,377 --> 00:44:31,503 Here he comes. 1149 00:44:38,385 --> 00:44:40,053 There's no way they're gonna fit all that show. 1150 00:44:41,638 --> 00:44:42,639 You think? 1151 00:44:43,848 --> 00:44:45,850 Yeah, something's got to go. Hey, Lorne, can we talk minutes? 1152 00:44:46,017 --> 00:44:47,060 You're doing great, Billy. 1153 00:44:47,227 --> 00:44:48,978 -That was weird. - Yep. We're fucked. 1154 00:45:00,156 --> 00:45:02,992 Excuse me, "ociffer," have I done somethin' wrong? 1155 00:45:03,952 --> 00:45:05,787 What do we have here? 1156 00:45:05,954 --> 00:45:08,373 Why, that would be my ass. 1157 00:45:10,917 --> 00:45:13,753 Mmm-hmm. Billy Preston's band hooked it up. 1158 00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:15,505 Medical grade, baby. 1159 00:45:15,672 --> 00:45:17,799 Floats in the bottle and then you... 1160 00:45:21,344 --> 00:45:22,345 Checks out. 1161 00:45:22,971 --> 00:45:24,139 Medical grade. 1162 00:45:25,014 --> 00:45:25,849 Uh... 1163 00:45:25,849 --> 00:45:27,642 So, tell me how you fit into this ensemble. 1164 00:45:27,976 --> 00:45:29,436 Is this an ensemble? 1165 00:45:29,436 --> 00:45:32,856 Uh, no, we have many talented, talented improvisers... 1166 00:45:33,022 --> 00:45:34,899 from Chicago and Toronto and... 1167 00:45:35,066 --> 00:45:36,067 And Boston. 1168 00:45:36,234 --> 00:45:38,403 And Boston. Yes, Jane Curtin is from Boston. 1169 00:45:38,570 --> 00:45:39,571 You've met my fiancée? 1170 00:45:40,196 --> 00:45:41,197 Missed a little there. 1171 00:45:42,365 --> 00:45:43,491 But to answer your question... 1172 00:45:43,658 --> 00:45:44,617 While I've got you captive. 1173 00:45:44,617 --> 00:45:45,702 They want to shave me. 1174 00:45:45,869 --> 00:45:47,704 Careful. There's no jaw under that beard, 1175 00:45:47,871 --> 00:45:48,955 just 10 pounds of neck. 1176 00:45:49,122 --> 00:45:50,290 Chevy. 1177 00:45:51,958 --> 00:45:55,003 Jesus Christ, you psycho, you son of a bitch! 1178 00:45:55,378 --> 00:45:57,088 Shove it up your fucking ass! 1179 00:45:58,506 --> 00:46:00,758 Hey, hey, hey, stop right now! 1180 00:46:01,634 --> 00:46:04,846 Guys! Goddamn it! Stop! Stop! Chevy, out! 1181 00:46:05,013 --> 00:46:06,973 - Don't feed coke to the animals! -Out! Chev! 1182 00:46:08,308 --> 00:46:10,185 Take a seat. 1183 00:46:11,769 --> 00:46:12,770 Yeah. 1184 00:46:12,937 --> 00:46:14,314 You okay, John? 1185 00:46:14,481 --> 00:46:15,523 So, we're throwing things now? 1186 00:46:15,690 --> 00:46:16,858 He started it. 1187 00:46:17,317 --> 00:46:18,526 It's just a shave, John. 1188 00:46:18,693 --> 00:46:20,195 So, NBC owns my fucking face? 1189 00:46:20,361 --> 00:46:21,404 - No. - Yeah, a little bit. 1190 00:46:21,571 --> 00:46:23,281 But would Jimi Hendrix play in mittens? 1191 00:46:23,448 --> 00:46:24,616 That's a good point. 1192 00:46:25,825 --> 00:46:28,077 John, you're going to go down as one of the giants 1193 00:46:28,077 --> 00:46:29,245 of character expressionism... 1194 00:46:29,245 --> 00:46:30,788 from Chaplin to Brando. 1195 00:46:30,955 --> 00:46:31,956 Belushi... 1196 00:46:32,373 --> 00:46:33,374 Why hide your gift? 1197 00:46:33,541 --> 00:46:35,001 Beards are for pussies. 1198 00:46:36,419 --> 00:46:37,629 And the bees are bullshit. 1199 00:46:37,795 --> 00:46:38,963 You think I don't know that? Of course, they are. 1200 00:46:39,130 --> 00:46:40,798 They're stupid, they're postmodern... 1201 00:46:40,965 --> 00:46:43,301 they're Warhol, they're iconic, they're Sergeant Pepper. 1202 00:46:43,468 --> 00:46:45,136 -So well said. -I'm glad you get it. 1203 00:46:46,304 --> 00:46:47,305 John... 1204 00:46:47,472 --> 00:46:48,723 we go live in less than an hour. 1205 00:46:48,890 --> 00:46:50,099 45 minutes. 1206 00:46:54,020 --> 00:46:55,939 I need you to sign your contract. 1207 00:47:04,239 --> 00:47:05,490 Oh, yeah. 1208 00:47:06,699 --> 00:47:07,784 What? 1209 00:47:07,951 --> 00:47:08,952 What's happening? 1210 00:47:09,369 --> 00:47:10,620 What happened to the music? 1211 00:47:11,829 --> 00:47:13,581 Hey! Why did you stop playing? 1212 00:47:13,748 --> 00:47:15,083 The speakers went out. 1213 00:47:15,458 --> 00:47:16,459 - All of them? - All of them. 1214 00:47:16,626 --> 00:47:18,294 What the hell is happening? What... Dick? 1215 00:47:18,461 --> 00:47:20,338 I'm on with the outfit that supplied speakers at... 1216 00:47:20,505 --> 00:47:21,506 - Yeah, Rockefeller Plaza. - Toscanini! 1217 00:47:21,673 --> 00:47:23,841 Height of audio fidelity! What can we be doing? 1218 00:47:24,008 --> 00:47:25,343 Yeah, what can we be doing? 1219 00:47:25,510 --> 00:47:26,719 We got no sound. 1220 00:47:26,886 --> 00:47:29,722 Idiot on the light board, and we go live in 45. 1221 00:47:30,139 --> 00:47:31,432 What do you want to rehearse? 1222 00:47:32,559 --> 00:47:33,393 Uh... 1223 00:47:34,477 --> 00:47:35,562 We could pull up... 1224 00:47:35,562 --> 00:47:36,646 Weekend Update? 1225 00:47:36,646 --> 00:47:38,314 Do you want to do Weekend Update? Yeah. 1226 00:47:38,314 --> 00:47:40,149 All right, everyone, we're moving to Weekend Update. 1227 00:47:40,316 --> 00:47:42,652 - Okay, great, great. - Don, stand by for your intro. 1228 00:47:44,237 --> 00:47:45,989 Here we go. Move it, people. 1229 00:47:56,874 --> 00:47:58,001 Let's go. Let's go. 1230 00:47:58,501 --> 00:47:59,502 I'm good. Fine. 1231 00:48:03,006 --> 00:48:06,259 From Saturday Night News headquarters. 1232 00:48:06,426 --> 00:48:08,344 This is Weekend Update... 1233 00:48:08,511 --> 00:48:10,471 with Lorne Michaels. 1234 00:48:18,479 --> 00:48:19,981 Our top story tonight... 1235 00:48:20,148 --> 00:48:21,190 some world news. 1236 00:48:21,357 --> 00:48:23,568 Japanese Emperor Hirohito met Mickey Mouse 1237 00:48:23,568 --> 00:48:24,986 at Disneyland this week. 1238 00:48:25,153 --> 00:48:28,239 The emperor presented Mickey with a Hirohito wristwatch. 1239 00:48:32,994 --> 00:48:34,078 How was that? 1240 00:48:34,245 --> 00:48:35,330 It was horrible. 1241 00:48:36,289 --> 00:48:37,832 Right. Um... 1242 00:48:39,542 --> 00:48:42,587 And now with a weather report... 1243 00:48:42,754 --> 00:48:45,965 we turn it over to meteorologist John Belushi. 1244 00:48:46,132 --> 00:48:47,759 What's it looking like out there, John? 1245 00:48:47,925 --> 00:48:49,218 Thank you, Lorne. 1246 00:48:49,218 --> 00:48:50,470 It's often said, 1247 00:48:50,470 --> 00:48:53,681 "March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb." 1248 00:48:53,890 --> 00:48:56,434 But did you know March behaves differently in other countries? 1249 00:48:57,018 --> 00:48:58,311 In Norway, for example, 1250 00:48:58,311 --> 00:49:01,230 March comes in like a polar bear and goes out like a walrus. 1251 00:49:01,648 --> 00:49:03,608 Or consider the Republic of South Africa... 1252 00:49:03,775 --> 00:49:05,234 where March comes in like a lion 1253 00:49:05,234 --> 00:49:06,569 and goes out like a different lion. 1254 00:49:06,736 --> 00:49:08,154 Like one has a mane 1255 00:49:08,154 --> 00:49:10,281 and the other doesn't have a mane. 1256 00:49:10,448 --> 00:49:13,242 And there's a country where March hops in like a kangaroo... 1257 00:49:13,409 --> 00:49:14,911 and stays a kangaroo for a while. 1258 00:49:15,078 --> 00:49:16,120 Australia. 1259 00:49:16,287 --> 00:49:18,122 Then for a couple of days, it's sort of a cross between... 1260 00:49:18,289 --> 00:49:20,375 a frilled lizard and a common house cat. 1261 00:49:20,792 --> 00:49:23,211 Then it changes back into a smaller kangaroo... 1262 00:49:23,378 --> 00:49:25,505 and then it goes out like a wild dingo! 1263 00:49:25,755 --> 00:49:27,298 No, no, and it's not Australia! 1264 00:49:27,632 --> 00:49:29,634 You'd think it'd be Australia, but it's not! 1265 00:49:29,801 --> 00:49:30,927 Oh! 1266 00:49:30,927 --> 00:49:32,845 And there are nine different countries... 1267 00:49:32,845 --> 00:49:34,472 where March comes in like a frog 1268 00:49:34,472 --> 00:49:36,349 and goes out like a golden retriever. 1269 00:49:36,349 --> 00:49:38,142 But that's not the weird part. No, no, no. 1270 00:49:38,309 --> 00:49:40,478 The weird part is the frog. The frog. 1271 00:49:40,645 --> 00:49:41,771 The weird part is the... 1272 00:49:43,314 --> 00:49:46,693 Okay. 1273 00:49:47,777 --> 00:49:48,861 John. 1274 00:49:50,238 --> 00:49:51,948 Are you all right? Are you okay? 1275 00:49:52,365 --> 00:49:53,366 I give in. 1276 00:49:53,866 --> 00:49:54,867 That was brilliant. 1277 00:49:55,034 --> 00:49:57,078 Now I need you to sign your contract. 1278 00:50:00,623 --> 00:50:01,958 - Was that a yes? - That was a yes. 1279 00:50:02,125 --> 00:50:03,668 - Was that a yes? Okay. - That was a yes. 1280 00:50:03,835 --> 00:50:05,128 - Neil, can I get the contract? -Yeah. 1281 00:50:06,003 --> 00:50:08,047 - Okay. Do you have a pen? -Uh... 1282 00:50:08,047 --> 00:50:09,173 Lorne, Lorne, Lorne, 1283 00:50:09,173 --> 00:50:11,175 there's a call from Burbank waiting in your office. 1284 00:50:12,009 --> 00:50:13,219 Burbank? 1285 00:50:13,386 --> 00:50:14,387 Carson. 1286 00:50:14,721 --> 00:50:16,597 Uh, okay. Um, Someone get him a pen. 1287 00:50:16,764 --> 00:50:18,182 Don't let him use it as a straw. 1288 00:50:18,182 --> 00:50:21,144 Uh, rehearse something. Anything. 1289 00:50:21,310 --> 00:50:23,438 All right, Bee Hospital stage left. 1290 00:50:23,604 --> 00:50:25,148 Let's go. We're moving. Here we go. 1291 00:50:26,232 --> 00:50:27,859 - Great work, guys. -Excuse me. 1292 00:50:28,025 --> 00:50:29,986 Hey, Mr. Michaels. 1293 00:50:29,986 --> 00:50:31,237 - Oh, Mr. Henson. - Hey. 1294 00:50:31,237 --> 00:50:33,531 I'm excited to see what you and your merry band of creatures 1295 00:50:33,531 --> 00:50:34,949 have in store for us tonight. 1296 00:50:34,949 --> 00:50:37,452 Well, Lorne, we don't have any script pages yet... 1297 00:50:37,452 --> 00:50:40,246 so, the Muppets are flyin' blind here. 1298 00:50:40,246 --> 00:50:41,664 Well, this is the first I'm hearing of it. 1299 00:50:41,664 --> 00:50:42,957 Neil, Jim needs his pages. 1300 00:50:42,957 --> 00:50:45,084 Thank you. Thank you. And please, sorry, Lorne... 1301 00:50:46,002 --> 00:50:48,045 can you please remind your crew... 1302 00:50:48,212 --> 00:50:51,841 not to leave the Muppets in compromising positions? 1303 00:50:53,301 --> 00:50:54,802 That doesn't sound like them. 1304 00:50:55,178 --> 00:50:57,263 Well, they left a note. 1305 00:50:58,014 --> 00:50:59,015 They didn't. 1306 00:50:59,182 --> 00:51:00,183 They did. 1307 00:51:00,767 --> 00:51:01,768 It said... 1308 00:51:04,479 --> 00:51:06,647 "Fuck-Rags for rent." 1309 00:51:07,690 --> 00:51:09,066 - Mmm... - Okay? 1310 00:51:09,233 --> 00:51:10,902 I know what that means, so... 1311 00:51:11,944 --> 00:51:13,613 I'll talk to Michael. Immediately. 1312 00:51:13,780 --> 00:51:14,864 Thank you. 1313 00:51:17,617 --> 00:51:18,618 All right. Thank you. 1314 00:51:19,535 --> 00:51:20,745 Oh. Hey, Bernie. 1315 00:51:20,745 --> 00:51:22,163 Oh, no, you're good. 1316 00:51:28,044 --> 00:51:29,295 Hello, this is Lorne. 1317 00:51:29,587 --> 00:51:31,923 I was beginning to think you didn't like me. 1318 00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:33,341 Of course not, Mr. Carson. 1319 00:51:33,341 --> 00:51:35,134 You're the voice of a generation. 1320 00:51:35,301 --> 00:51:37,428 I just wanted to reach out and say, 1321 00:51:37,428 --> 00:51:38,638 "Good luck tonight." 1322 00:51:38,805 --> 00:51:40,014 Oh, that's very kind. 1323 00:51:40,181 --> 00:51:41,849 And also, I suppose I wanted to make sure... 1324 00:51:42,016 --> 00:51:44,852 we don't end up stepping on each other's dicks. 1325 00:51:45,019 --> 00:51:46,020 Right. 1326 00:51:46,020 --> 00:51:47,271 You know how this all started, don't you? 1327 00:51:47,271 --> 00:51:48,356 Just sign it, John. 1328 00:51:49,232 --> 00:51:50,441 Just sign it, John. 1329 00:51:50,608 --> 00:51:52,151 With a kite and a key, I'm sure. 1330 00:51:52,318 --> 00:51:53,820 Don't be a dipshit for a second, kid. 1331 00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:55,530 I'm sure you've heard by now 1332 00:51:55,530 --> 00:51:57,532 that Mommy and Daddy are fighting... 1333 00:51:57,698 --> 00:52:00,451 and that's why you got the house to yourself tonight. 1334 00:52:00,451 --> 00:52:01,911 Frankly, it's the only reason 1335 00:52:01,911 --> 00:52:04,664 they ever greenlight your little talent show. 1336 00:52:05,373 --> 00:52:07,333 Look, these things always go the same way. 1337 00:52:07,667 --> 00:52:09,919 First, they try to fuck you, and then they buy you dinner. 1338 00:52:10,461 --> 00:52:12,255 I'm not opposed to Saturday Night... 1339 00:52:12,255 --> 00:52:13,673 even if it is a dumping ground... 1340 00:52:13,673 --> 00:52:14,757 No. No. 1341 00:52:14,757 --> 00:52:16,551 ...for the deadbeats and bagheads. 1342 00:52:16,551 --> 00:52:17,468 Dick, no. 1343 00:52:17,468 --> 00:52:18,386 In the meantime, you get to... 1344 00:52:18,386 --> 00:52:19,720 play dress-up on national television. 1345 00:52:19,720 --> 00:52:20,847 Don't let him hold the camera. 1346 00:52:20,847 --> 00:52:21,931 Good for you. 1347 00:52:22,348 --> 00:52:24,058 So, here's some friendly advice. 1348 00:52:24,892 --> 00:52:26,185 Enjoy your little show... 1349 00:52:26,352 --> 00:52:27,895 but don't get too comfortable. 1350 00:52:28,563 --> 00:52:30,731 You're a benchwarmer, a stalking horse. 1351 00:52:30,898 --> 00:52:33,651 It's my fucking network. It's my fucking night. 1352 00:52:34,569 --> 00:52:35,945 No hard feelings, though. 1353 00:52:36,112 --> 00:52:38,114 Fuck the bees and fuck this show! 1354 00:52:38,281 --> 00:52:39,866 John. Hey, where are you going? 1355 00:52:40,032 --> 00:52:41,409 I go where I'm kicked! 1356 00:52:41,784 --> 00:52:43,744 Heard you are a halfway decent writer. 1357 00:52:44,662 --> 00:52:46,163 Send me some samples sometime. 1358 00:52:46,330 --> 00:52:47,790 We're always looking for a bunch of 'em. 1359 00:52:49,750 --> 00:52:50,918 How'd the call go? 1360 00:52:51,085 --> 00:52:52,420 Tremendous. Thank you for asking. 1361 00:52:52,587 --> 00:52:54,422 - Great. - Belushi walked. 1362 00:52:54,589 --> 00:52:56,465 - What? He quit? - No, well, technically... 1363 00:52:56,632 --> 00:52:58,426 he would need a fucking job to quit! But, yes, he walked. 1364 00:52:58,593 --> 00:53:00,052 We need to find him. I'll take the eighth floor. 1365 00:53:00,219 --> 00:53:01,637 - You take the ninth, okay? - Uh. Oh... 1366 00:53:02,013 --> 00:53:03,014 Okay. 1367 00:53:03,681 --> 00:53:05,683 Uh, hey, have you seen John Belushi? 1368 00:53:05,683 --> 00:53:06,767 No. 1369 00:53:08,352 --> 00:53:09,604 There's a reason they call it master control. 1370 00:53:09,770 --> 00:53:10,771 Sorry, Jim, have you seen John Belushi? 1371 00:53:10,938 --> 00:53:13,232 You want to hand the airwaves over to that maniac? 1372 00:53:13,399 --> 00:53:15,818 - Have you seen Belushi? - I'm not an animal wrangler. 1373 00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:17,361 Belushi? Belushi? 1374 00:53:17,528 --> 00:53:18,696 - Belushi? - Belushi? 1375 00:53:18,863 --> 00:53:20,197 -Belushi? - Belushi? 1376 00:53:20,364 --> 00:53:23,075 Hey, have you guys seen John Belushi? John? 1377 00:53:28,331 --> 00:53:29,582 Hey, guys, sorry to bother you. 1378 00:53:29,582 --> 00:53:31,417 Have you seen John Belushi anywhere? 1379 00:53:31,584 --> 00:53:34,086 Oh. Yeah, sure. He was hangin' out with us yesterday. 1380 00:53:34,086 --> 00:53:35,254 Right, Howard? 1381 00:53:35,421 --> 00:53:36,923 No, sorry. I meant in the last few minutes. 1382 00:53:37,089 --> 00:53:38,257 - Did he... - Oh, no. 1383 00:53:39,467 --> 00:53:41,177 Well, you seem stressed. You okay, buddy? 1384 00:53:41,344 --> 00:53:43,262 - Yeah, I'm okay. - You need a hit? 1385 00:53:43,971 --> 00:53:46,974 Uh, oh! No, no, no, that's fine. That's okay. 1386 00:53:46,974 --> 00:53:48,017 Oh. 1387 00:53:48,017 --> 00:53:49,185 I think it'd help. 1388 00:53:50,561 --> 00:53:51,562 That makes sense. 1389 00:53:54,273 --> 00:53:55,274 There we go. 1390 00:53:58,110 --> 00:53:59,820 Oh, look at him. 1391 00:53:59,987 --> 00:54:01,864 Attaboy. 1392 00:54:02,031 --> 00:54:03,824 Good luck on your quest, amigo. 1393 00:54:07,203 --> 00:54:09,080 Have you seen John Belushi? 1394 00:54:09,789 --> 00:54:10,957 Have you guys seen John? 1395 00:54:11,123 --> 00:54:13,626 Neil, who do you think I am? 1396 00:54:14,335 --> 00:54:15,628 Human bumblebee. 1397 00:54:15,795 --> 00:54:17,171 No, man. I am talking about... 1398 00:54:17,338 --> 00:54:20,341 what is my identity on the show? 1399 00:54:20,508 --> 00:54:21,926 Don't ask me that right now. 1400 00:54:22,843 --> 00:54:25,221 I can't answer that right now. Oh. 1401 00:54:28,975 --> 00:54:31,227 - Oh. - What the hell are you doing? 1402 00:54:34,313 --> 00:54:36,232 Thank you. 1403 00:54:39,860 --> 00:54:41,112 Has anybody seen John? 1404 00:54:41,278 --> 00:54:43,280 - I'm John. -I'm John. 1405 00:54:43,447 --> 00:54:44,448 - No. No. -I'm John. 1406 00:54:44,615 --> 00:54:46,283 - I'm John. - No. No. 1407 00:54:46,450 --> 00:54:48,202 - I'm John. - I'm John. 1408 00:54:48,369 --> 00:54:49,370 Hold this, please. 1409 00:54:52,957 --> 00:54:54,041 One of them is mine. 1410 00:54:54,041 --> 00:54:55,209 Hey, have you guys seen John Belushi? 1411 00:54:55,209 --> 00:54:56,919 Hey, you're... Kid, why are you holding your face like that? 1412 00:54:56,919 --> 00:54:58,504 - Why are you shouting? - Sweetie, are you okay? 1413 00:54:58,504 --> 00:55:01,632 I don't know. I can hear my own blood. 1414 00:55:02,550 --> 00:55:03,551 Am I gonna be okay? 1415 00:55:03,718 --> 00:55:05,720 Don't ask her. She's a nymph, not a nurse, kid. 1416 00:55:05,886 --> 00:55:07,346 I know that! 1417 00:55:07,847 --> 00:55:09,640 - Look, should I be worried? - About Neil? 1418 00:55:09,807 --> 00:55:11,142 No. Fuck Neil. About my act. 1419 00:55:11,308 --> 00:55:13,352 I can't get a straight answer out of Lorne. 1420 00:55:13,519 --> 00:55:15,855 Billy, you're family. 1421 00:55:17,189 --> 00:55:18,274 - Neil... - Neil... 1422 00:55:21,944 --> 00:55:23,571 This week on The Rumpus Hour. 1423 00:55:23,738 --> 00:55:25,114 Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1424 00:55:25,114 --> 00:55:27,241 Shields and Yarnell, the Domingo Brothers... 1425 00:55:27,241 --> 00:55:29,869 and your favorite juggling barbershop quartet, 1426 00:55:29,869 --> 00:55:31,203 Macho Quatro. 1427 00:55:31,203 --> 00:55:33,748 Lorne. You know Milton Berle? 1428 00:55:33,914 --> 00:55:36,625 Absolutely. Big fan. I grew up on your work. 1429 00:55:36,792 --> 00:55:38,335 Who didn't? Hear it's your big night. 1430 00:55:38,502 --> 00:55:40,588 Planning on it. How's it all coming? 1431 00:55:41,297 --> 00:55:42,757 Just perfect. 1432 00:55:42,923 --> 00:55:44,633 - You never hear that. - You certainly don't. 1433 00:55:45,885 --> 00:55:48,596 Yep. Being here must bring back all kinds of memories, I'm sure. 1434 00:55:48,763 --> 00:55:49,930 Sure, sure. Yeah. 1435 00:55:50,097 --> 00:55:52,141 Used to call this the RCA Radio Tower. 1436 00:55:52,308 --> 00:55:53,934 Radio, that wonderful invention 1437 00:55:53,934 --> 00:55:55,603 by which I could reach a million people. 1438 00:55:55,770 --> 00:55:57,521 Who fortunately couldn't reach me. 1439 00:55:57,688 --> 00:56:01,859 You know, Milt's TV show once pulled a 97 share. 1440 00:56:02,026 --> 00:56:06,322 97% of the American audience was watching Uncle Miltie. 1441 00:56:06,489 --> 00:56:08,491 Do you ever miss being Mr. Television? 1442 00:56:09,825 --> 00:56:11,243 What is he talking about? 1443 00:56:11,410 --> 00:56:12,411 Lorne... 1444 00:56:12,578 --> 00:56:14,955 Milton remains one of the Peacock's 1445 00:56:14,955 --> 00:56:16,582 most colorful feathers. 1446 00:56:16,749 --> 00:56:18,375 - It's quite a feather. - Of course, of course. 1447 00:56:18,542 --> 00:56:20,586 And I'm looking forward to hosting your show. 1448 00:56:21,295 --> 00:56:23,089 Well, we'd be honored. 1449 00:56:23,380 --> 00:56:25,091 I think there's still so many decisions we'd have to make. 1450 00:56:25,257 --> 00:56:26,383 I'm hearing episode five. 1451 00:56:26,550 --> 00:56:29,637 The boys upstairs love it and the affiliates ate it up. 1452 00:56:29,804 --> 00:56:30,971 Well, they're the real boss. 1453 00:56:31,138 --> 00:56:32,932 Right. Well, it is a late show. 1454 00:56:32,932 --> 00:56:34,350 Are you suited for midnight? 1455 00:56:34,809 --> 00:56:38,312 At 67, I still feel like a 20-year-old. 1456 00:56:38,479 --> 00:56:40,397 Unfortunately, there's never one around. 1457 00:56:40,397 --> 00:56:42,066 Your reputation precedes you. 1458 00:56:42,233 --> 00:56:44,944 Yeah, by about 11 inches. Excuse me a second. 1459 00:56:47,488 --> 00:56:49,156 Any sign of Belushi? 1460 00:56:49,782 --> 00:56:50,825 John? 1461 00:56:50,991 --> 00:56:52,409 I believe he's in wardrobe. Why? 1462 00:56:52,576 --> 00:56:54,620 Legal is frantic for his paperwork. 1463 00:56:54,787 --> 00:56:55,913 That's strange. I'll look into it. 1464 00:56:56,080 --> 00:56:57,540 Lorne, I can only imagine... 1465 00:56:57,706 --> 00:56:59,291 what must be running through your mind. 1466 00:56:59,458 --> 00:57:01,794 The thought, no matter how improbable... 1467 00:57:01,961 --> 00:57:03,629 that you might not make it to air. 1468 00:57:03,796 --> 00:57:05,631 - Hadn't even occurred to me. - Really? 1469 00:57:05,798 --> 00:57:08,843 I heard that you were having some technical difficulties. 1470 00:57:09,009 --> 00:57:10,010 None that I know of. 1471 00:57:10,511 --> 00:57:11,512 What the fuck? 1472 00:57:11,679 --> 00:57:12,763 I just heard that... 1473 00:57:12,930 --> 00:57:14,515 your writers were stoned... 1474 00:57:14,682 --> 00:57:16,684 your actors were physically assaulting each other. 1475 00:57:17,685 --> 00:57:18,769 The sound system was down. 1476 00:57:18,936 --> 00:57:20,062 What the hell is happening? What... 1477 00:57:20,229 --> 00:57:21,564 And a fire broke out earlier. 1478 00:57:24,900 --> 00:57:27,611 I've been doing this job a long time. I've seen it all. 1479 00:57:29,572 --> 00:57:31,782 I'm sure you have it all under control. 1480 00:57:33,367 --> 00:57:35,161 Minor issues, already addressed. 1481 00:57:35,703 --> 00:57:36,704 That's reassuring. 1482 00:57:36,871 --> 00:57:39,165 This whole conversation is a soothing shower of relief. 1483 00:57:39,331 --> 00:57:41,000 Hey, good, good. Look. 1484 00:57:41,167 --> 00:57:43,586 If for some reason you can't lock your script... 1485 00:57:44,587 --> 00:57:47,423 or commit your cast to legally binding contracts... 1486 00:57:47,590 --> 00:57:48,841 rest assured... 1487 00:57:49,341 --> 00:57:52,178 the country will be happy to watch Johnny Carson. 1488 00:57:53,554 --> 00:57:56,056 Well, we could always play the tape of dress rehearsal. 1489 00:57:56,223 --> 00:57:57,892 Worst-case scenario. 1490 00:57:59,143 --> 00:58:00,561 That's not the worst case. 1491 00:58:17,119 --> 00:58:19,163 Fuck me. That's a lot of cards. 1492 00:58:19,747 --> 00:58:21,874 Yeah. What's the fastest you can do your set? Top to bottom. 1493 00:58:22,041 --> 00:58:23,209 - Five minutes. - Yeah, me too. 1494 00:58:23,375 --> 00:58:24,835 - Could you do it in four? - Probably. 1495 00:58:25,002 --> 00:58:26,003 Yeah, me too. 1496 00:58:27,796 --> 00:58:29,548 So, look, they're gonna offer us three... 1497 00:58:30,132 --> 00:58:31,717 but we got to draw the line at four. All right? 1498 00:58:32,468 --> 00:58:34,595 Okay. I want to do the show. 1499 00:58:34,762 --> 00:58:36,555 Yeah, we're doing the show. We just can't get jerked around. 1500 00:58:36,722 --> 00:58:37,723 - That's all. - But we're doing the show? 1501 00:58:37,890 --> 00:58:39,350 Of course, we're doing the show. We just got to be 1502 00:58:39,350 --> 00:58:40,976 - in this together. - Okay. 1503 00:58:42,645 --> 00:58:43,771 Neil, sweetie. 1504 00:58:43,938 --> 00:58:45,564 - Is everything okay in there? -Hello? 1505 00:58:45,731 --> 00:58:47,983 Special delivery for Neil Levy. Flowers. 1506 00:58:48,150 --> 00:58:49,401 - Candygram. -What's with the convention? 1507 00:58:49,568 --> 00:58:51,153 Neil, it's your mother. Open the door! 1508 00:58:51,320 --> 00:58:53,697 Don't say that. He's gonna believe you if you say that. 1509 00:58:53,864 --> 00:58:56,242 Hey, Neil. Buddy. You freaking out in there? 1510 00:58:56,408 --> 00:58:58,452 I took a hit in the departure lounge. 1511 00:58:58,619 --> 00:59:00,246 All right. Whose grass was it? 1512 00:59:00,412 --> 00:59:01,830 One of the horn players. 1513 00:59:01,997 --> 00:59:03,082 Oh, degenerates. 1514 00:59:03,249 --> 00:59:04,917 That's a potent dragon you're riding there, kid. 1515 00:59:04,917 --> 00:59:06,627 What you smoked was a sacred strain from... 1516 00:59:06,627 --> 00:59:08,128 the Isaan plateau in Thailand, I believe. 1517 00:59:08,128 --> 00:59:09,213 The best plateau. 1518 00:59:09,213 --> 00:59:10,297 Make no mistake about it, 1519 00:59:10,297 --> 00:59:12,007 that stick's probably stronger than a bull elephant. 1520 00:59:12,007 --> 00:59:14,468 But, listen, we're all a little freaked out so... 1521 00:59:14,468 --> 00:59:15,594 -I'm freaked out. - Why don't you come out... 1522 00:59:15,594 --> 00:59:17,054 and we can check on your face... 1523 00:59:17,054 --> 00:59:18,305 make sure it's not inside out, okay? 1524 00:59:18,305 --> 00:59:19,932 -Come on, Neil. - Show us your face, Neil! 1525 00:59:19,932 --> 00:59:21,308 Come on, there's nothing to be afraid of. 1526 00:59:21,308 --> 00:59:23,185 - Come on. - Come on out, Neil. 1527 00:59:24,478 --> 00:59:26,230 Oh, God! 1528 00:59:26,897 --> 00:59:28,774 No. I'm just kidding. Look. You're gonna be fine. 1529 00:59:28,774 --> 00:59:30,109 We'll fix you up with some amphetamines. 1530 00:59:30,109 --> 00:59:31,193 You'll be fit as a flea. 1531 00:59:31,193 --> 00:59:33,028 You might even like the stuff. Cocaine. 1532 00:59:33,028 --> 00:59:34,405 Robert Louis Stevenson actually did 1533 00:59:34,405 --> 00:59:35,572 some of his best writing on the nose candy. 1534 00:59:35,572 --> 00:59:37,408 - Oh, Bobby. - Not a lot of people know that. 1535 00:59:37,574 --> 00:59:38,742 Yeah, he was a big freak... 1536 00:59:38,742 --> 00:59:39,827 - for the Peruvian Lady. -Hey! 1537 00:59:39,827 --> 00:59:40,911 We need everyone in togas! 1538 00:59:40,911 --> 00:59:42,788 Everyone down to the eighth floor now! 1539 00:59:47,001 --> 00:59:48,335 I'm not in a toga! 1540 01:00:02,474 --> 01:00:05,144 Okay, okay. But why are we yelling? 1541 01:00:07,730 --> 01:00:10,107 Rocky, there's no way these kids are gonna hit their marks. 1542 01:00:10,274 --> 01:00:12,943 So you better be wide enough to catch 'em all. We got that? 1543 01:00:13,110 --> 01:00:15,195 Hey, did Rosie tell you what she wants for her credit? 1544 01:00:15,779 --> 01:00:17,489 Oh. Uh... 1545 01:00:17,489 --> 01:00:19,700 She was of two minds... 1546 01:00:23,203 --> 01:00:24,830 What is this? Why are you cueing up Carson? Who is that? 1547 01:00:25,581 --> 01:00:26,915 I think that's Tony Curtis. 1548 01:00:27,082 --> 01:00:29,335 That's pretty normal right before a live show, right, Dave? 1549 01:00:29,501 --> 01:00:31,462 Yeah. If anything goes wrong, we bump to tape. 1550 01:00:31,628 --> 01:00:32,755 - See? - Right. 1551 01:00:32,921 --> 01:00:34,590 Lorne! Lorne. We found a lighting director. 1552 01:00:34,923 --> 01:00:35,924 Great. Go get him. 1553 01:00:36,091 --> 01:00:37,634 No, he's lighting a show right now. 1554 01:00:37,634 --> 01:00:39,011 This will take some massaging. 1555 01:00:39,178 --> 01:00:40,179 We don't have... 1556 01:00:42,097 --> 01:00:43,098 What floor? 1557 01:00:44,016 --> 01:00:46,518 It's down on the sixth floor. Some variety show. 1558 01:00:46,685 --> 01:00:48,562 - And he knows I'm coming? - Uh... 1559 01:00:49,855 --> 01:00:52,232 - Say, Lorne. This a bad time? -Perfect time, Garrett. 1560 01:00:52,399 --> 01:00:53,901 Okay, I've been thinkin'. 1561 01:00:54,068 --> 01:00:56,111 Why did you hire me? 1562 01:00:56,278 --> 01:00:57,321 You were cheap. 1563 01:00:57,321 --> 01:00:58,405 Really? 1564 01:00:58,572 --> 01:01:00,115 I'm being ironical, Garrett. 1565 01:01:00,949 --> 01:01:01,950 The fuck? 1566 01:01:06,205 --> 01:01:07,206 Hey, Garrett. 1567 01:01:07,831 --> 01:01:08,832 What's wrong? 1568 01:01:09,124 --> 01:01:11,293 Nothin'. I'm just... 1569 01:01:12,252 --> 01:01:14,338 Just trying to figure out exactly what it is 1570 01:01:14,338 --> 01:01:15,547 I am doing here. 1571 01:01:15,714 --> 01:01:16,965 Aw, what do you mean? 1572 01:01:17,383 --> 01:01:18,634 You know... 1573 01:01:18,801 --> 01:01:21,512 I just can't help but feeling a little bit like an outsider. 1574 01:01:21,678 --> 01:01:23,097 Because you're so much older? 1575 01:01:23,263 --> 01:01:24,264 What? 1576 01:01:25,099 --> 01:01:27,267 I went to Juilliard. 1577 01:01:27,684 --> 01:01:29,645 I've been on Broadway. I'm a published playwright. 1578 01:01:29,812 --> 01:01:33,399 Man, they got me buzzin' around here in a goddamn bee suit... 1579 01:01:33,565 --> 01:01:35,442 and wavin' a gun around like I'm some kind of hoodlum. 1580 01:01:35,609 --> 01:01:37,653 These are not my strengths, man. 1581 01:01:37,820 --> 01:01:39,780 I am being under-utilized... 1582 01:01:39,947 --> 01:01:41,073 which makes me ponder... 1583 01:01:41,240 --> 01:01:43,242 what am I doing here? 1584 01:01:43,992 --> 01:01:45,244 You know how many operas I've done? 1585 01:01:45,619 --> 01:01:47,079 - I have no idea, Garrett. - Shit... 1586 01:01:47,246 --> 01:01:48,747 while Danny and Laraine were eatin' Froot Loops... 1587 01:01:48,914 --> 01:01:53,627 I was performing La Traviata in Italian. 1588 01:01:53,794 --> 01:01:54,795 Ya dig? 1589 01:01:54,962 --> 01:01:57,172 Of course, I dig, Garrett. 1590 01:01:57,923 --> 01:01:58,757 But, uh... 1591 01:01:59,800 --> 01:02:02,219 no one is saying you can't sing on the show. 1592 01:02:02,386 --> 01:02:03,387 Right? 1593 01:02:10,144 --> 01:02:11,186 Where's the Rumpus room? 1594 01:02:16,692 --> 01:02:18,277 Oh. Whoa. Pardon me. 1595 01:02:26,118 --> 01:02:28,454 - Whoa, whoa, whoa. -And three, two... 1596 01:02:36,628 --> 01:02:40,215 And we... Seven, eight, and blocking! 1597 01:02:41,592 --> 01:02:44,678 Five, six... Uh-oh! 1598 01:02:45,262 --> 01:02:46,263 Smile! 1599 01:03:31,767 --> 01:03:33,977 Hey! You little fucker. 1600 01:03:34,561 --> 01:03:36,104 Get your head out of your ass. 1601 01:03:36,271 --> 01:03:39,191 Prep the cupcake lights and bring up the glitter, Carl. 1602 01:03:40,108 --> 01:03:41,109 Carl? 1603 01:03:41,777 --> 01:03:42,903 I have a job offer. 1604 01:03:43,487 --> 01:03:45,989 Comes with no guarantees, no perks, and no weekends. 1605 01:03:47,533 --> 01:03:48,534 How's the pay? 1606 01:03:50,285 --> 01:03:51,537 That's the worst part. 1607 01:03:56,083 --> 01:03:57,084 What the fuck? 1608 01:03:57,251 --> 01:03:58,293 - When do you start? -Right now. 1609 01:03:58,460 --> 01:04:01,380 Send me a postcard from the gutter, you little shit. 1610 01:04:13,225 --> 01:04:14,309 Rosie, you seen Jackie? 1611 01:04:14,476 --> 01:04:15,852 No. Sorry. 1612 01:04:16,019 --> 01:04:17,563 Knock, knock. 1613 01:04:18,105 --> 01:04:20,232 - Hi. - Hi, stud. Can I see? 1614 01:04:20,399 --> 01:04:21,775 Can you get Chevy to do this one? 1615 01:04:21,942 --> 01:04:23,986 No way. You look so sexy. 1616 01:04:24,152 --> 01:04:26,446 Hey. These can't be the right size. 1617 01:04:26,613 --> 01:04:28,782 Yeah, you're right. They should be a little bit smaller. 1618 01:04:29,700 --> 01:04:31,118 This feels like it's a lot of leg. 1619 01:04:31,285 --> 01:04:32,578 You kidding, hot stuff? 1620 01:04:32,744 --> 01:04:33,912 You're gonna melt every TV in America. 1621 01:04:33,912 --> 01:04:35,038 -Oh, yeah? - Uh, yeah. 1622 01:04:35,038 --> 01:04:36,748 You know, ma'am, you are dealing 1623 01:04:36,748 --> 01:04:38,083 with a fully-qualified male strumpet here. 1624 01:04:38,083 --> 01:04:39,167 Oh. Male? 1625 01:04:39,167 --> 01:04:40,419 I've actually got a work order... 1626 01:04:40,419 --> 01:04:44,006 stating I should be rogering you roundly right now! 1627 01:04:44,172 --> 01:04:45,591 Hey, have you guys seen John? 1628 01:04:46,425 --> 01:04:48,885 No, I haven't seen him. Danny? 1629 01:04:49,052 --> 01:04:50,512 - Have you seen John? - Yeah? John. 1630 01:04:50,679 --> 01:04:53,599 Well, John's an anarchist and an Illinois alpha male. 1631 01:04:54,266 --> 01:04:55,350 What does that mean? 1632 01:04:55,767 --> 01:04:57,853 Oh. Uh, well, see, boss, you and I, 1633 01:04:57,853 --> 01:04:59,229 if we were to enter this space... 1634 01:04:59,396 --> 01:05:01,231 we'd be like 15th century peasants 1635 01:05:01,231 --> 01:05:02,357 walking into the Vatican... 1636 01:05:02,357 --> 01:05:04,067 but Belushi's a whole other animal. 1637 01:05:04,234 --> 01:05:05,986 He's a skeptic and a sinner. 1638 01:05:06,153 --> 01:05:07,613 I'd give O'Houlihans a recce. 1639 01:05:07,988 --> 01:05:09,615 - He's at the bar next door. -Ah. 1640 01:05:09,948 --> 01:05:12,909 Um, Barbara's still asking about your credit on the show. 1641 01:05:13,076 --> 01:05:14,119 Whatever you think. 1642 01:05:14,286 --> 01:05:15,495 It's your name, Rose. 1643 01:05:17,539 --> 01:05:18,665 Has he only gotten that far? 1644 01:05:19,082 --> 01:05:21,418 We'd like to help, but we're rootin' for the guy. 1645 01:05:21,585 --> 01:05:23,211 Well, at least your heart's in it. 1646 01:05:23,378 --> 01:05:25,047 Hey, you seen Jacqueline, my fiancée? 1647 01:05:25,213 --> 01:05:26,882 No, I haven't seen shit! 1648 01:05:27,633 --> 01:05:29,551 Ladies, have you seen Jackie? 1649 01:05:29,718 --> 01:05:30,719 -No. Sorry. -All right, change of plans. 1650 01:05:30,886 --> 01:05:32,179 We're skippin' Ancient Greece 1651 01:05:32,179 --> 01:05:33,972 and we're movin' into the break room. 1652 01:05:34,139 --> 01:05:35,265 Ladies, I need you in your hard hats. 1653 01:05:35,432 --> 01:05:36,767 Okay? Right now. Come on. 1654 01:05:36,933 --> 01:05:39,061 I don't want to change. 1655 01:05:39,227 --> 01:05:40,812 Are we good? Is he all right? 1656 01:05:40,979 --> 01:05:42,689 Yeah. Yeah. Danny, I mean... 1657 01:05:42,689 --> 01:05:44,107 whatever's going on between you and me 1658 01:05:44,107 --> 01:05:45,817 is the last thing on his mind right now. 1659 01:05:45,984 --> 01:05:48,028 So the man doesn't wrestle with the green-eyed monster? 1660 01:05:48,195 --> 01:05:50,113 Hardly. I mean, look, I've known Lorne 1661 01:05:50,113 --> 01:05:51,782 since I had toilet paper tits. 1662 01:05:52,616 --> 01:05:54,242 One day, he just followed me home from school 1663 01:05:54,242 --> 01:05:56,036 - and I never shook him. - Pretty sure 1664 01:05:56,036 --> 01:05:57,746 - you can be arrested for that. -Look out, Rosie! 1665 01:05:57,746 --> 01:05:59,081 Sorry, Moose. 1666 01:05:59,956 --> 01:06:01,208 Anyways, I don't know, 1667 01:06:01,208 --> 01:06:03,877 Lorne lost his dad when he was 14... 1668 01:06:04,044 --> 01:06:05,629 and his mom sold everything... 1669 01:06:05,796 --> 01:06:08,215 and so he spent a whole year without furniture. 1670 01:06:08,382 --> 01:06:09,966 So when I first met him, I thought... 1671 01:06:10,133 --> 01:06:13,804 he's just a stray looking for a spare piece of carpet... 1672 01:06:14,513 --> 01:06:16,223 like, he wants to be a part of my family... 1673 01:06:16,390 --> 01:06:18,892 and I'm the kid sister or something. 1674 01:06:19,643 --> 01:06:21,645 But then, hormones. 1675 01:06:21,812 --> 01:06:23,772 Turns out, I'm not the kid sister... 1676 01:06:24,272 --> 01:06:27,442 and so we start dating and I think... 1677 01:06:28,151 --> 01:06:30,987 "Okay, he wants to build a family with me." 1678 01:06:31,405 --> 01:06:33,699 And we get married, we buy a house. 1679 01:06:33,865 --> 01:06:35,742 I mean, no ring. I think those are pretty stupid. 1680 01:06:35,909 --> 01:06:38,245 But linens and china. 1681 01:06:39,621 --> 01:06:42,124 And then it turns out... 1682 01:06:42,290 --> 01:06:44,626 I'm not the kid sister or the wife. 1683 01:06:45,252 --> 01:06:46,253 So who are ya? 1684 01:06:46,712 --> 01:06:48,004 I'm the writer. 1685 01:06:48,171 --> 01:06:50,215 All right, rehearsal's moments away. 1686 01:06:50,382 --> 01:06:51,717 And who's he? 1687 01:06:51,883 --> 01:06:54,511 We take you now to Ancient Greece. 1688 01:06:54,511 --> 01:06:56,012 Not yet, Don. It's the wrong sketch, buddy. 1689 01:06:56,012 --> 01:06:57,472 Can I get you behind the lockers? 1690 01:06:57,639 --> 01:06:58,974 Yeah. 1691 01:07:00,434 --> 01:07:01,977 And try sitting like men. 1692 01:07:02,477 --> 01:07:03,478 - Oh, yeah. -Perfect. 1693 01:07:03,645 --> 01:07:05,856 Okay. Hair and makeup, clear. 1694 01:07:06,148 --> 01:07:07,274 Clearing. 1695 01:07:07,441 --> 01:07:09,109 Please get the fuck out. Thank you. 1696 01:07:09,276 --> 01:07:11,445 Okay, and action! 1697 01:07:13,238 --> 01:07:16,241 Now that you've mastered all the technical know-how... 1698 01:07:16,408 --> 01:07:19,578 I think it's time we work on your sidewalk skills. 1699 01:07:19,745 --> 01:07:20,871 All right. 1700 01:07:21,371 --> 01:07:23,665 Daniel over here has kindly offered... 1701 01:07:23,832 --> 01:07:26,918 to aid us in a live demonstration. 1702 01:07:27,085 --> 01:07:28,754 Come on out, Danny. 1703 01:07:29,921 --> 01:07:31,381 Danny, enter. 1704 01:07:35,427 --> 01:07:37,429 No, you got to take off the robe. 1705 01:07:37,429 --> 01:07:39,222 I can lose it on the day. I figured I'd rehearse with... 1706 01:07:39,222 --> 01:07:41,141 No. You can lose the robe right now. 1707 01:07:47,355 --> 01:07:48,857 The shorts are too short. 1708 01:07:50,484 --> 01:07:52,694 Now, when a little piece-a heaven 1709 01:07:52,694 --> 01:07:55,363 - like Danny walks by... - Now strut. 1710 01:07:56,615 --> 01:07:58,074 - Here's how you make him feel... - Right. 1711 01:07:58,074 --> 01:07:59,284 ...right at home. 1712 01:08:00,243 --> 01:08:03,163 Voom, va-va voom! Va-va voom! 1713 01:08:03,330 --> 01:08:04,915 Show him how to do it, Gilda! 1714 01:08:05,165 --> 01:08:06,291 - Yeah! -Come on, Jane. 1715 01:08:06,458 --> 01:08:08,210 - Give it to him. - All right. 1716 01:08:09,377 --> 01:08:10,587 Hey, dreamboat. 1717 01:08:11,129 --> 01:08:13,965 What's the matter? Why don't you give me a little twirl? 1718 01:08:14,132 --> 01:08:17,135 Show me what you're workin' with. 1719 01:08:20,597 --> 01:08:21,807 Okay, give it to him, Laraine. 1720 01:08:26,228 --> 01:08:28,855 Hey, stud muffins, want to make bouncy bouncy? 1721 01:08:30,273 --> 01:08:31,399 Are we still doing the scene? Or... 1722 01:08:31,399 --> 01:08:32,526 What are ya talkin' to her for? 1723 01:08:32,526 --> 01:08:33,819 You're talkin' to me, joy chunks. 1724 01:08:33,819 --> 01:08:35,153 Stay in character, please. 1725 01:08:35,320 --> 01:08:37,072 - Hey. -Come on, baby. 1726 01:08:37,239 --> 01:08:39,032 Ya dropped somethin'. 1727 01:08:39,032 --> 01:08:40,659 Whoa! 1728 01:08:41,660 --> 01:08:43,161 Well, I guess I should just pick this up. 1729 01:08:49,125 --> 01:08:50,836 All right, all right. All right. 1730 01:08:51,002 --> 01:08:52,003 They are so cute 1731 01:08:52,003 --> 01:08:53,547 - when they're mad! - All right, thank you. 1732 01:08:53,547 --> 01:08:54,881 Okay, cut. 1733 01:08:57,384 --> 01:08:59,010 The shorts are too short. I told ya. 1734 01:08:59,761 --> 01:09:02,556 Here you go. It was a great scene. 1735 01:09:03,056 --> 01:09:04,057 - Yeah, strumpet. - Thanks. 1736 01:09:04,224 --> 01:09:05,892 All right, and we're movin' on. 1737 01:09:05,892 --> 01:09:07,060 Great rehearsal. Here we go. 1738 01:09:07,227 --> 01:09:09,896 We take you now to Ancient Greece... 1739 01:09:10,063 --> 01:09:11,439 as Alexander the Great... 1740 01:09:11,606 --> 01:09:14,025 attends his ten-year high school reunion. 1741 01:09:14,192 --> 01:09:15,777 Hey, boys, have you seen Jackie? 1742 01:09:17,362 --> 01:09:18,405 Gentlemen, you seen Jackie? 1743 01:09:21,616 --> 01:09:23,201 Look at that. My goodness. 1744 01:09:23,368 --> 01:09:24,786 Hey, hon. They need us in Athens. 1745 01:09:24,953 --> 01:09:26,037 Jesus, who's this guy? 1746 01:09:26,204 --> 01:09:27,706 Chevy, Milton taped a show here... 1747 01:09:27,873 --> 01:09:30,208 - back in 1956, isn't that neat? - Ooh! 1748 01:09:30,375 --> 01:09:31,418 She's taken. 1749 01:09:31,585 --> 01:09:33,461 What hours? I'll take the rest of the evening. 1750 01:09:33,628 --> 01:09:34,838 - Excuse me? -He's kidding. 1751 01:09:35,005 --> 01:09:36,089 Yeah, buddy, I'm kidding. 1752 01:09:36,256 --> 01:09:37,257 Oh, that's cute. 1753 01:09:37,424 --> 01:09:38,967 I remember when you used to do comedy. 1754 01:09:39,134 --> 01:09:40,552 Funny, 'cause I never heard of you. 1755 01:09:40,719 --> 01:09:42,345 That's probably the Alzheimer's. 1756 01:09:43,179 --> 01:09:44,639 What's the matter, did you wander off 1757 01:09:44,639 --> 01:09:46,975 onto an actual TV set? 1758 01:09:47,434 --> 01:09:48,560 Hey, darling, you're sitting 1759 01:09:48,560 --> 01:09:50,353 in front of the Ghost of Television Past. 1760 01:09:50,520 --> 01:09:51,521 This old man... 1761 01:09:51,688 --> 01:09:53,481 he used to be an institution. Now he needs one. 1762 01:09:55,358 --> 01:09:57,235 If you want my comeback, you're gonna have to scrape it 1763 01:09:57,235 --> 01:09:59,070 off the back of your mom's teeth. 1764 01:09:59,237 --> 01:10:00,405 Jesus. 1765 01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:03,241 You're gonna laugh at that? 1766 01:10:03,241 --> 01:10:04,409 Listen, sweetheart. 1767 01:10:04,576 --> 01:10:06,369 There's plenty more where that came from. 1768 01:10:07,829 --> 01:10:08,830 God. 1769 01:10:10,457 --> 01:10:11,291 Oh. 1770 01:10:11,875 --> 01:10:13,293 Do I have your attention? 1771 01:10:19,215 --> 01:10:21,134 I have two stars on the Walk of Fame. 1772 01:10:21,134 --> 01:10:22,761 - Oh. - Oh, yeah. Who gives a shit? 1773 01:10:22,761 --> 01:10:23,803 Hmm. 1774 01:10:23,803 --> 01:10:25,013 I once held 97%... 1775 01:10:25,180 --> 01:10:27,599 of America's television viewing audience. 1776 01:10:29,893 --> 01:10:31,478 That's not what they're gonna remember. 1777 01:10:32,479 --> 01:10:34,689 They're gonna remember Mr. Television. 1778 01:10:35,649 --> 01:10:37,108 Their Uncle Miltie. 1779 01:10:39,069 --> 01:10:40,362 Who the fuck are you, kid? 1780 01:10:42,113 --> 01:10:43,198 You're not a star. 1781 01:10:45,075 --> 01:10:47,077 You're barely in the fucking building. 1782 01:10:50,580 --> 01:10:52,165 You're not even a swingin' dick. 1783 01:10:55,210 --> 01:10:56,795 Call me after he's done crying. 1784 01:10:56,962 --> 01:10:59,339 Are you shitting me? 1785 01:10:59,506 --> 01:11:01,091 Are you shitting me with this costume? 1786 01:11:01,257 --> 01:11:02,258 Can you make a path? 1787 01:11:02,258 --> 01:11:03,969 There's an actual comedian coming through. 1788 01:11:04,135 --> 01:11:05,595 Wow. Look at these columns. 1789 01:11:05,762 --> 01:11:07,347 I feel transported. Oh! 1790 01:11:07,931 --> 01:11:09,641 Hey, George. How can I help? 1791 01:11:10,225 --> 01:11:12,185 So, what is this? 1792 01:11:12,352 --> 01:11:14,896 Why am I dressed like a fuckin' towel boy from Caesar's? 1793 01:11:15,063 --> 01:11:17,399 Well, I believe you're Alexander the Great at his... 1794 01:11:17,565 --> 01:11:19,025 Ten-year high school reunion. 1795 01:11:19,192 --> 01:11:20,193 - Thank you, Don. - Exactly. 1796 01:11:20,360 --> 01:11:21,528 So, when Chevy asks what you've been up to... 1797 01:11:21,695 --> 01:11:22,946 your response is, "You know... 1798 01:11:23,113 --> 01:11:25,615 "mostly conquering the known universe." 1799 01:11:26,741 --> 01:11:28,493 Right. And this is for television. 1800 01:11:28,493 --> 01:11:29,995 - Right. - What's your concern, George? 1801 01:11:30,161 --> 01:11:31,287 My real concern is why I let my agent 1802 01:11:31,287 --> 01:11:32,372 convince me to do your show. 1803 01:11:32,372 --> 01:11:33,456 Do you need some help with the script? 1804 01:11:33,623 --> 01:11:35,291 I'd just love to know where the humor is. 1805 01:11:35,458 --> 01:11:37,419 It's like a Spruce Goose. It's a lot of wood, no lift off. 1806 01:11:37,419 --> 01:11:38,545 Well, we can rewrite. I mean, we have... 1807 01:11:38,545 --> 01:11:39,629 Is that right? 1808 01:11:39,629 --> 01:11:40,797 - Jesus Christ. - Great. 1809 01:11:40,964 --> 01:11:42,507 - We could find... - No, no, no. George, I hear you. 1810 01:11:42,507 --> 01:11:44,092 -We want to make it work. - I think I understand 1811 01:11:44,092 --> 01:11:45,927 the reason you might be struggling. 1812 01:11:46,636 --> 01:11:48,013 You see, these are scenes. 1813 01:11:48,179 --> 01:11:49,180 Well, sketches. 1814 01:11:49,180 --> 01:11:51,057 - They revolve around acting. - Michael... 1815 01:11:51,224 --> 01:11:52,225 And that must feel foreign 1816 01:11:52,225 --> 01:11:53,309 when you're a ponytailed vulture... 1817 01:11:53,309 --> 01:11:55,145 feeding off the corpse of Lenny Bruce. 1818 01:12:00,984 --> 01:12:02,736 It's okay. He's right. You're right. 1819 01:12:06,448 --> 01:12:08,074 Because I wouldn't want to make these skits 1820 01:12:08,074 --> 01:12:09,993 any worse than they actually are. 1821 01:12:10,452 --> 01:12:13,496 It's a great thing no one will be watching. 1822 01:12:13,663 --> 01:12:15,832 Enjoy your fucking little circle jerk. 1823 01:12:15,999 --> 01:12:17,959 - We already are. -Oh, your mom's here? 1824 01:12:22,047 --> 01:12:23,298 Well, he's in character. 1825 01:12:46,529 --> 01:12:47,530 It's shit. 1826 01:13:04,798 --> 01:13:06,132 Lorne, Lorne. 1827 01:13:06,966 --> 01:13:07,967 Lorne. 1828 01:13:08,635 --> 01:13:09,719 Lorne, great news. 1829 01:13:09,886 --> 01:13:11,888 We figured it out. Ready? 1830 01:13:17,477 --> 01:13:18,478 Ta-da. 1831 01:13:19,187 --> 01:13:21,231 - We cut the toga sketch. - Oh. 1832 01:13:21,898 --> 01:13:23,525 Even without Alexander, we're still 30 over. 1833 01:13:23,691 --> 01:13:25,777 Maybe we don't need four musical performances? 1834 01:13:25,944 --> 01:13:27,821 Or maybe we could trim one of the Carlin monologues. 1835 01:13:27,987 --> 01:13:28,988 Okay. 1836 01:13:36,371 --> 01:13:37,956 What about now? Are we under now? 1837 01:13:39,124 --> 01:13:40,250 We can make it work. 1838 01:13:45,880 --> 01:13:47,090 Hey, hey, Lorne, Lorne. 1839 01:13:47,257 --> 01:13:50,510 Look, I know it's probably a bad time and all, but, um... 1840 01:13:51,469 --> 01:13:52,470 but Valri and I have been talking... 1841 01:13:52,470 --> 01:13:53,555 Yeah. 1842 01:13:53,555 --> 01:13:55,640 ...and we can't accept anything less than four minutes a piece. 1843 01:13:55,640 --> 01:13:57,350 So, that's four minutes for me, four minutes for Valri. 1844 01:13:57,517 --> 01:13:58,726 Look, we've just been... 1845 01:13:59,144 --> 01:14:00,603 working too hard on our material 1846 01:14:00,603 --> 01:14:02,230 to accept anything less so it's... 1847 01:14:02,939 --> 01:14:04,065 four minutes or nothin'. 1848 01:14:04,315 --> 01:14:05,733 Well, I need two minutes. 1849 01:14:06,109 --> 01:14:07,485 You need me to cut two minutes of my sketch? 1850 01:14:07,485 --> 01:14:08,570 I could do that, Lorne. 1851 01:14:08,570 --> 01:14:10,113 I mean, that's six minutes only, you know. I can make that... 1852 01:14:10,280 --> 01:14:11,573 No, I need two minutes of material. 1853 01:14:12,323 --> 01:14:13,408 It's two minutes or nothing. 1854 01:14:13,825 --> 01:14:15,076 Is this for real? 'Cause... 1855 01:14:15,827 --> 01:14:17,579 Okay, I killed at dress, right? 1856 01:14:17,579 --> 01:14:18,997 I'm the only good act that killed at dress. 1857 01:14:18,997 --> 01:14:20,081 I can do the show, so... 1858 01:14:20,081 --> 01:14:21,374 Billy, can you make it work in two minutes? 1859 01:14:21,541 --> 01:14:23,751 - I can't even set it up in two. - Then I don't know what to say. 1860 01:14:23,918 --> 01:14:25,086 I'm sorry it didn't work out. 1861 01:14:25,545 --> 01:14:26,546 Can you make it in two? 1862 01:14:27,547 --> 01:14:28,882 - Yes. - Great. 1863 01:14:36,598 --> 01:14:38,016 Lorne, Lorne. 1864 01:14:38,933 --> 01:14:39,767 Uh... 1865 01:14:41,227 --> 01:14:42,228 I was thinking... 1866 01:14:42,937 --> 01:14:44,147 why don't we punt? 1867 01:14:46,149 --> 01:14:48,860 Come back stronger next week, debut with Paul Simon. 1868 01:14:49,277 --> 01:14:50,361 That's what you've been thinking? 1869 01:14:50,528 --> 01:14:53,072 Listen, no one wants this show to succeed more than I do. 1870 01:14:53,239 --> 01:14:54,240 Is that so? 1871 01:14:54,949 --> 01:14:56,993 I mean, yeah, I hired you, Lorne. 1872 01:14:57,493 --> 01:14:58,912 I take it up the ass from this network every day... 1873 01:14:59,078 --> 01:15:00,496 because I believe in this show. 1874 01:15:00,663 --> 01:15:02,665 And I'm telling you, we should run the dress rehearsal... 1875 01:15:02,832 --> 01:15:04,417 and claw back a win next Saturday. 1876 01:15:04,584 --> 01:15:05,960 It's in everyone's best interest. 1877 01:15:05,960 --> 01:15:07,212 Mainly yours. 1878 01:15:07,212 --> 01:15:08,588 Sorry. Was that a threat? 1879 01:15:08,755 --> 01:15:10,590 No. What? No. 1880 01:15:10,965 --> 01:15:13,218 Lorne, all I'm trying to do is give you advice. 1881 01:15:13,384 --> 01:15:14,552 25 minutes! 1882 01:15:15,887 --> 01:15:17,555 Thanks for the advice, but we can't, Dick. 1883 01:15:17,555 --> 01:15:18,640 It's a live show. 1884 01:15:18,640 --> 01:15:19,724 No one's gonna know the difference. 1885 01:15:19,724 --> 01:15:21,309 - We just can't. - Lorne, you need to start 1886 01:15:21,309 --> 01:15:23,311 adjusting your concept of what you can and cannot do. 1887 01:15:23,311 --> 01:15:24,896 We can't because there is no tape. 1888 01:15:25,063 --> 01:15:26,773 I didn't record the dress rehearsal. 1889 01:15:27,440 --> 01:15:29,150 So, we don't have to argue about it. 1890 01:15:30,526 --> 01:15:31,527 You didn't what? 1891 01:15:32,028 --> 01:15:33,029 We just have to make it to air. 1892 01:15:33,196 --> 01:15:35,031 Lorne, I'm not gonna be able to protect you. 1893 01:15:35,198 --> 01:15:37,659 - I'm used to that. - Oh, screw you. 1894 01:15:37,825 --> 01:15:40,203 Do you know how much bullshit never makes it to your ears? 1895 01:15:40,370 --> 01:15:41,704 Because I'm the wall they hit. 1896 01:15:41,871 --> 01:15:43,665 Tell that to your Polaroid rep. She's cute. 1897 01:15:43,831 --> 01:15:46,125 I'm sorry you need a sponsor for a show 1898 01:15:46,125 --> 01:15:47,835 that can't pull a single advertiser. 1899 01:15:48,002 --> 01:15:49,754 You know they're giving out the ads for free? 1900 01:15:49,921 --> 01:15:53,258 NBC is lucky to have something as relevant as this show. 1901 01:15:53,258 --> 01:15:54,592 Lorne, they don't even want it. 1902 01:15:54,592 --> 01:15:55,677 That's logical, Dick. That's why 1903 01:15:55,677 --> 01:15:56,886 they're paying us all to be here. 1904 01:16:00,682 --> 01:16:02,183 They want you to fail. 1905 01:16:02,600 --> 01:16:03,643 They're betting on it. 1906 01:16:03,643 --> 01:16:04,769 Really? 1907 01:16:04,769 --> 01:16:06,020 NBC makes more money 1908 01:16:06,020 --> 01:16:07,981 playing reruns of The Tonight Show. 1909 01:16:08,147 --> 01:16:10,316 - So, why don't they? - It's a contract dispute, Lorne. 1910 01:16:10,483 --> 01:16:12,235 I mean, they're trying to prove to Johnny Carson 1911 01:16:12,235 --> 01:16:13,820 that the reruns are inevitable. 1912 01:16:13,987 --> 01:16:17,031 So, they built a show that was guaranteed to fail. 1913 01:16:17,198 --> 01:16:19,242 I mean, Lorne, 90 minutes of live television 1914 01:16:19,242 --> 01:16:20,576 by a group of 20-year-olds... 1915 01:16:20,743 --> 01:16:21,911 who've never made anything. 1916 01:16:22,161 --> 01:16:24,539 Do you ever stop and wonder why they said yes? 1917 01:16:24,706 --> 01:16:27,625 A counterculture show starring total unknowns... 1918 01:16:27,792 --> 01:16:30,253 with zero narrative and even less structure? 1919 01:16:30,420 --> 01:16:32,547 Are you that fucking arrogant... 1920 01:16:33,006 --> 01:16:35,091 that you never even questioned this? 1921 01:16:38,011 --> 01:16:39,554 Now, look, you want to know what's gonna happen 1922 01:16:39,554 --> 01:16:41,431 at 11:30 tonight? Okay. 1923 01:16:42,015 --> 01:16:43,308 Your actors will be on their marks. 1924 01:16:43,474 --> 01:16:45,226 Band's tuned up, all ready to go. 1925 01:16:45,393 --> 01:16:46,853 Joe will be hollering out the countdown... 1926 01:16:47,020 --> 01:16:48,229 and you'll be in the control room... 1927 01:16:48,396 --> 01:16:50,690 and Dave Tebet will be standing probably right next to you. 1928 01:16:50,857 --> 01:16:52,317 And when those screens go black... 1929 01:16:52,483 --> 01:16:53,860 he will raise his big-ass, 1930 01:16:53,860 --> 01:16:55,486 jeweled-up index finger and say... 1931 01:16:55,653 --> 01:16:56,696 "Go to Carson." 1932 01:16:57,071 --> 01:16:58,406 And that will be that. 1933 01:16:59,782 --> 01:17:00,825 You blew it. 1934 01:17:05,288 --> 01:17:07,749 And listen, I know you all make fun of me... 1935 01:17:07,915 --> 01:17:09,292 and my clothes behind my back. 1936 01:17:10,168 --> 01:17:12,170 But, Lorne, I'm killing myself for this show. 1937 01:17:14,505 --> 01:17:16,007 Also, Polaroid is cool. 1938 01:17:36,527 --> 01:17:38,654 - Oh, shit! Lorne. - It worked! 1939 01:17:44,160 --> 01:17:45,453 Nice work, fellas. 1940 01:17:46,704 --> 01:17:48,206 A little heavy on the flow, but very funny. 1941 01:17:49,332 --> 01:17:50,333 Sorry about the clothes. 1942 01:17:50,500 --> 01:17:51,793 And your face. 1943 01:17:53,711 --> 01:17:58,132 Art is but a measure of sacrifice and tears. 1944 01:17:59,634 --> 01:18:00,676 Not quite ready for tonight, 1945 01:18:00,676 --> 01:18:02,512 but I'll keep it on a special list. 1946 01:18:04,305 --> 01:18:06,015 "Special list"? 1947 01:18:19,904 --> 01:18:20,905 Lobby. 1948 01:18:25,326 --> 01:18:26,994 This an okay time? 1949 01:18:28,037 --> 01:18:29,038 Ideal. 1950 01:18:29,372 --> 01:18:30,373 Look... 1951 01:18:32,125 --> 01:18:33,584 I know what people say... 1952 01:18:33,751 --> 01:18:36,629 when they see a man with his arm up a Muppet. 1953 01:18:37,839 --> 01:18:38,673 But... 1954 01:18:39,173 --> 01:18:41,509 this isn't just kid's stuff. 1955 01:18:42,343 --> 01:18:44,220 I believe, deep in my heart... 1956 01:18:44,387 --> 01:18:47,598 that there is room for high-stakes puppetry... 1957 01:18:47,765 --> 01:18:49,392 on grown-up TV. 1958 01:18:49,642 --> 01:18:52,645 And... I get the sense that... 1959 01:18:52,812 --> 01:18:54,981 some of the writers on the 17th floor 1960 01:18:54,981 --> 01:18:56,941 don't share that dream. 1961 01:18:59,277 --> 01:19:01,028 You didn't like the pages? 1962 01:19:04,198 --> 01:19:05,616 There were no pages. 1963 01:19:06,451 --> 01:19:08,870 That's fair criticism. 1964 01:19:11,080 --> 01:19:12,290 Free show! 1965 01:19:12,874 --> 01:19:14,000 Free show, sir? 1966 01:19:14,792 --> 01:19:15,793 Free show. 1967 01:19:17,628 --> 01:19:19,714 Plenty of tickets left, guys. Free show. 1968 01:19:20,131 --> 01:19:21,466 The night's still young. 1969 01:19:22,258 --> 01:19:23,342 Hey, man! How's it going? 1970 01:19:29,098 --> 01:19:31,142 Thank you. Long Island. 1971 01:19:31,601 --> 01:19:32,810 Massapequa Park. 1972 01:19:33,269 --> 01:19:34,270 Hello? 1973 01:20:04,967 --> 01:20:06,511 My family had trouble fittin' in 1974 01:20:06,511 --> 01:20:08,095 when they got to America. 1975 01:20:08,262 --> 01:20:09,722 Even though my great-grandfather 1976 01:20:09,722 --> 01:20:11,974 actually fought in the Civil War... 1977 01:20:12,308 --> 01:20:14,227 he fought for the West. 1978 01:20:14,227 --> 01:20:16,479 - Jesus Christ. -Okay. 1979 01:20:16,646 --> 01:20:18,564 This drunk, he's in front of the bench. 1980 01:20:18,731 --> 01:20:21,025 The judge says, "Hey, we brought you in for drinking." 1981 01:20:21,192 --> 01:20:23,236 And the drunk goes, "Great. What are we havin'?" 1982 01:20:24,946 --> 01:20:28,366 That's not the punch line. Jesus, fucking bullshit! 1983 01:20:28,533 --> 01:20:29,784 What's happening here? 1984 01:20:30,535 --> 01:20:33,955 I get paid seven bucks a joke, if it gets a laugh. Which... 1985 01:20:34,330 --> 01:20:35,998 This putz is taking bulletproof material 1986 01:20:35,998 --> 01:20:37,083 and filling it with lead. 1987 01:20:37,083 --> 01:20:38,292 You wrote his jokes? 1988 01:20:38,292 --> 01:20:40,419 Yeah. I wrote things that vaguely resemble 1989 01:20:40,419 --> 01:20:41,754 the things that he's saying. 1990 01:20:42,463 --> 01:20:44,715 Why don't you just perform them yourself? 1991 01:20:45,383 --> 01:20:47,426 Look at me. This is how much I sweat off-stage. 1992 01:20:47,802 --> 01:20:49,595 I get home from work the other night... 1993 01:20:49,971 --> 01:20:52,557 I see my wife in bed with my best friend. 1994 01:20:52,723 --> 01:20:55,560 I say to him, I go, "I have to, but you?" 1995 01:20:55,726 --> 01:20:57,436 - Oh, my God. - How many do you have in here? 1996 01:20:57,603 --> 01:21:00,106 About 1,100. They're single-spaced. 1997 01:21:00,523 --> 01:21:01,857 Sorry, do you mind if I go through them? 1998 01:21:02,024 --> 01:21:04,193 - Bring up the next comedian! - Yeah. Go for it. 1999 01:21:04,360 --> 01:21:05,403 I'm sure you'll hate him, too. 2000 01:21:09,323 --> 01:21:10,324 Move. 2001 01:21:14,036 --> 01:21:16,372 God. That was fuckin' rough. Shit crowd. 2002 01:21:16,539 --> 01:21:17,873 Yeah, that was it. 2003 01:21:19,542 --> 01:21:20,543 Hey, come on. What's with the quarters? 2004 01:21:20,710 --> 01:21:23,796 Well, I changed the punch line from 46 to 49... 2005 01:21:23,963 --> 01:21:25,798 for the line about the Buick. 2006 01:21:25,965 --> 01:21:27,091 Much bigger laugh, by the way. 2007 01:21:27,258 --> 01:21:29,510 So, that means I only owe you $3.50. 2008 01:21:29,677 --> 01:21:30,678 You want a job? 2009 01:21:30,845 --> 01:21:31,971 That would be great. 2010 01:21:32,138 --> 01:21:33,681 I want a length of rope and a sturdy beam. 2011 01:21:33,848 --> 01:21:35,766 How much do you need to live? 2012 01:21:35,933 --> 01:21:38,144 I make three bucks an hour at my day job. Match it. 2013 01:21:38,311 --> 01:21:40,021 Tell him what you really do. Tell him. 2014 01:21:40,187 --> 01:21:41,439 He's a deli boy. 2015 01:21:41,606 --> 01:21:44,191 Okay? He's a schmuck in a little paper hat... 2016 01:21:44,191 --> 01:21:46,861 who slices the pastrami behind the counter. 2017 01:21:46,861 --> 01:21:48,404 And he can barely do that. 2018 01:21:48,404 --> 01:21:49,697 Tell him what you did to your finger. 2019 01:21:49,947 --> 01:21:51,532 You're hired. Lorne Michaels. 2020 01:21:51,699 --> 01:21:54,493 - Alan. Zweibel. - Are you fucking kidding me? 2021 01:21:54,660 --> 01:21:56,037 You'd be better off buying the pastrami. 2022 01:21:56,203 --> 01:21:57,204 Let's go. 2023 01:21:57,371 --> 01:21:58,581 Wait, what? When do we start? 2024 01:21:58,581 --> 01:22:00,916 Um... Jesus Christ. 2025 01:22:02,418 --> 01:22:04,503 You can't... You better not leave. 2026 01:22:05,004 --> 01:22:06,547 This is not gonna be good for you. 2027 01:22:06,547 --> 01:22:08,633 I was gonna take you to Reno. 2028 01:22:16,641 --> 01:22:18,017 Look at that form. 2029 01:22:18,684 --> 01:22:19,894 Beautiful. 2030 01:22:31,030 --> 01:22:32,823 You ever have nostalgia for a moment 2031 01:22:32,823 --> 01:22:34,116 while you're still in it? 2032 01:22:36,494 --> 01:22:38,245 I mean, like... 2033 01:22:39,205 --> 01:22:41,248 You're in the moment, but you're also... 2034 01:22:41,707 --> 01:22:43,709 looking back on it. Like... 2035 01:22:44,794 --> 01:22:47,463 Right now, I'm here, but I'm also... 2036 01:22:47,963 --> 01:22:50,675 thinking about this moment 20 years from now. 2037 01:22:50,841 --> 01:22:52,426 We're walking by this ice rink. 2038 01:22:53,511 --> 01:22:54,762 Maybe it's Christmas... 2039 01:22:54,929 --> 01:22:57,973 and our kids are draggin' us by our pinkies... 2040 01:22:58,432 --> 01:23:01,769 and we got presents loaded on our shoulders... 2041 01:23:02,687 --> 01:23:04,605 and all we can think about is this moment, 2042 01:23:04,605 --> 01:23:06,691 right before we went on TV. 2043 01:23:14,031 --> 01:23:15,408 You know, the NBC liability act 2044 01:23:15,408 --> 01:23:16,951 forbids you from ice skating. 2045 01:23:18,285 --> 01:23:19,286 I found John. 2046 01:23:19,453 --> 01:23:20,454 Oh, excellent work, Gilda. 2047 01:23:20,621 --> 01:23:22,665 Good thing I didn't sign my contract. 2048 01:23:25,918 --> 01:23:27,128 What's the deal, John? 2049 01:23:29,046 --> 01:23:30,297 You on the show or not? 2050 01:23:35,219 --> 01:23:38,264 The one where I get to dress up like a giant, grotesque bee? 2051 01:23:39,140 --> 01:23:41,267 I don't know. Let me ask my childhood dreams. 2052 01:23:46,230 --> 01:23:48,023 I want to try a triple axel. 2053 01:23:48,566 --> 01:23:50,192 Now we're talkin'. 2054 01:23:50,359 --> 01:23:51,819 How about a single axel? 2055 01:23:52,236 --> 01:23:53,237 Nah. 2056 01:23:54,113 --> 01:23:56,407 I figure I can either pull off the triple... 2057 01:23:57,825 --> 01:23:58,909 or die trying. 2058 01:24:00,035 --> 01:24:01,245 Those are the options? 2059 01:24:10,129 --> 01:24:12,757 Okay, John. I... I... 2060 01:24:12,757 --> 01:24:14,300 I support it. 2061 01:24:21,682 --> 01:24:22,683 Oh, God. 2062 01:24:34,862 --> 01:24:36,697 - He's gonna break something. - Oh, God. 2063 01:24:39,992 --> 01:24:41,076 - Oh, fuck! - Shit. John! 2064 01:24:41,076 --> 01:24:42,161 John? 2065 01:24:42,578 --> 01:24:43,954 -John! -Fuck! 2066 01:24:44,121 --> 01:24:45,122 Are you okay? 2067 01:24:49,710 --> 01:24:51,253 You all right? I yield. 2068 01:24:52,588 --> 01:24:54,131 I accept your surrender. 2069 01:24:54,298 --> 01:24:56,675 Do you want me to help you up? 2070 01:24:56,842 --> 01:24:57,843 No. 2071 01:24:58,928 --> 01:25:00,763 I'm just gonna lie here for a minute. 2072 01:25:02,431 --> 01:25:04,350 Okay, sure. Yeah. 2073 01:25:05,142 --> 01:25:06,769 We have all the time in the world. 2074 01:25:12,024 --> 01:25:14,068 Who is that asshole, anyway? 2075 01:25:15,319 --> 01:25:16,695 It's Prometheus. 2076 01:25:17,780 --> 01:25:19,406 He stole fire from the cauldron of the gods... 2077 01:25:19,573 --> 01:25:22,535 gave it to man, so we could have science and the arts. 2078 01:25:26,455 --> 01:25:28,040 All right. I'm gonna head back up. 2079 01:25:29,250 --> 01:25:30,960 We have a show to put on... 2080 01:25:31,126 --> 01:25:33,087 and I'd like to be there when I get fired. 2081 01:25:34,880 --> 01:25:36,298 I'd hope to see you there, too, John. 2082 01:25:57,695 --> 01:25:58,737 - Hey! -Hey. 2083 01:25:58,904 --> 01:26:00,739 Heard you needed a quick change for the last act? 2084 01:26:00,906 --> 01:26:01,907 Thank you. 2085 01:26:09,582 --> 01:26:10,916 What should I say when I get up there? 2086 01:26:11,083 --> 01:26:12,626 - How should I know? - You're the writer. 2087 01:26:12,793 --> 01:26:14,211 - You're the talker. - I'm the talker? 2088 01:26:14,378 --> 01:26:16,422 Yeah, you talk the peel off a grape. 2089 01:26:17,506 --> 01:26:18,507 That was funny. 2090 01:26:26,515 --> 01:26:27,558 Rose, I won't be offended 2091 01:26:27,558 --> 01:26:29,184 if you don't want to use my last name. 2092 01:26:29,935 --> 01:26:31,979 It's not your last name, Lipowitz. 2093 01:26:36,233 --> 01:26:37,276 Whoa! 2094 01:26:37,276 --> 01:26:38,652 Check it out! Full house, right? 2095 01:26:38,819 --> 01:26:39,820 What did you tell them? 2096 01:26:39,987 --> 01:26:41,196 Well, I kind of had to lie a little bit, 2097 01:26:41,196 --> 01:26:42,281 but the vibes are really good. 2098 01:26:42,448 --> 01:26:43,616 Can we start to let them in? 2099 01:26:43,616 --> 01:26:45,618 - Uh... Almost. - All right. 2100 01:26:45,784 --> 01:26:47,369 Five minutes, guys. 10 minutes tops. 2101 01:26:47,369 --> 01:26:48,829 Let's keep these vibes going! 2102 01:26:55,169 --> 01:26:56,670 - Adequate? - Adequate. 2103 01:27:00,674 --> 01:27:03,052 - Can you imagine being first up? - Opening the show and all. 2104 01:27:03,218 --> 01:27:04,219 Millions of people trying to decide... 2105 01:27:04,386 --> 01:27:06,555 How they want to spend their Saturday night. 2106 01:27:06,722 --> 01:27:08,807 What's the first thing they see? No logo, no intro. 2107 01:27:08,807 --> 01:27:10,267 Nope. Just a close up of your pretty face. 2108 01:27:10,267 --> 01:27:11,644 - Nah. - Nah. Who gives a fuck, right? 2109 01:27:11,644 --> 01:27:12,728 Yeah. It's just a bunch of animals 2110 01:27:12,728 --> 01:27:13,812 watching their lava lamps. 2111 01:27:13,812 --> 01:27:14,897 You're gonna do great. 2112 01:27:14,897 --> 01:27:15,981 -Yeah. - Fuck off. 2113 01:27:15,981 --> 01:27:17,191 -We're pullin' for you. -Break a leg! 2114 01:27:20,152 --> 01:27:22,488 You the writer Lorne found in a bar? 2115 01:27:23,238 --> 01:27:24,698 That's a slightly romantic read of the story, 2116 01:27:24,698 --> 01:27:25,866 but, yeah, I guess so. 2117 01:27:26,033 --> 01:27:28,410 All right. Well, jump on in. Water's warm. 2118 01:27:28,577 --> 01:27:29,578 Okay. 2119 01:27:29,745 --> 01:27:31,288 Okay. Quiet, please! 2120 01:27:31,455 --> 01:27:34,291 Work stops now. We're holding for a sound check. 2121 01:27:34,458 --> 01:27:35,459 Who wants to do the sound check? 2122 01:27:35,626 --> 01:27:37,586 Garrett! Don't you know a song? 2123 01:27:38,712 --> 01:27:39,546 Hmm? 2124 01:27:43,759 --> 01:27:45,511 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 2125 01:28:37,771 --> 01:28:39,815 Bravo! Garrett! 2126 01:28:40,274 --> 01:28:42,359 - That was fantastic. -Thank you. 2127 01:28:42,985 --> 01:28:43,986 Thank you. 2128 01:28:44,862 --> 01:28:45,863 That was perfect. 2129 01:28:45,863 --> 01:28:47,406 - You have an incredible voice. -You're still not 2130 01:28:47,406 --> 01:28:49,450 - gonna give me no lines. - It was beautiful. 2131 01:28:51,285 --> 01:28:54,163 Uh, gentlemen, how long have you been standing there? 2132 01:28:54,621 --> 01:28:55,748 Long enough. 2133 01:28:55,914 --> 01:28:57,041 Lorne, we need to let the audience in. 2134 01:28:57,499 --> 01:28:58,542 No, you don't. 2135 01:29:01,503 --> 01:29:04,006 Perhaps you kids aren't quite ready for prime time. 2136 01:29:04,173 --> 01:29:05,507 What are you talking about? 2137 01:29:05,841 --> 01:29:07,009 Look around, Lorne. 2138 01:29:07,801 --> 01:29:09,344 You haven't locked a script. 2139 01:29:09,928 --> 01:29:10,929 Your actors are missing. 2140 01:29:11,096 --> 01:29:12,431 Your crew is... 2141 01:29:12,806 --> 01:29:14,308 in open rebellion. 2142 01:29:18,729 --> 01:29:20,647 They'd be laughing at you in Burbank. 2143 01:29:22,107 --> 01:29:24,193 Burbank? Excuse me? This is New York fucking City. 2144 01:29:24,359 --> 01:29:25,360 Who's she? 2145 01:29:25,527 --> 01:29:26,653 - She... It's... - It's... I... 2146 01:29:26,820 --> 01:29:29,364 It's complicated. We have a hell of a show. 2147 01:29:29,531 --> 01:29:30,908 We have two bands. 2148 01:29:31,075 --> 01:29:33,118 We have seven of the brightest comedy minds alive. 2149 01:29:33,285 --> 01:29:34,703 You even know where they are? 2150 01:29:34,870 --> 01:29:36,288 Most of them. Yes. 2151 01:29:36,914 --> 01:29:39,541 Maybe we'll just try again next Saturday. 2152 01:29:39,708 --> 01:29:41,251 No. No, no, no. Don't do that. Come on. No. 2153 01:29:41,418 --> 01:29:43,670 Everybody in this room has been killing themselves... 2154 01:29:43,837 --> 01:29:45,172 - to make something special. - I know. 2155 01:29:45,339 --> 01:29:46,673 To make something innovative and actually good... 2156 01:29:46,840 --> 01:29:48,133 - for a change. -"For a change"? 2157 01:29:48,300 --> 01:29:49,676 Don't tell me that you've been doing this so long... 2158 01:29:49,843 --> 01:29:52,721 that you can't even recognize the potential for greatness... 2159 01:29:52,888 --> 01:29:54,640 when it's right in front of your face. 2160 01:29:56,225 --> 01:29:59,019 Do you even know what this show is? Tell me. 2161 01:30:09,071 --> 01:30:10,572 It's an all-nighter in the city. 2162 01:30:12,157 --> 01:30:15,077 It's catching Richard Pryor at a drop-in... 2163 01:30:15,244 --> 01:30:18,622 or finding Paul Simon strumming in the back of a dive bar. 2164 01:30:18,789 --> 01:30:20,999 It's meeting a girl outside of a bodega... 2165 01:30:21,166 --> 01:30:23,127 and getting lucky in a phone booth. 2166 01:30:24,211 --> 01:30:25,629 It's everything you think is going to happen 2167 01:30:25,629 --> 01:30:27,589 when you move to the city. That's our show. 2168 01:30:28,048 --> 01:30:29,383 That's Saturday Night. 2169 01:30:29,550 --> 01:30:30,551 Show me. 2170 01:30:31,009 --> 01:30:32,010 Show you what? 2171 01:30:32,177 --> 01:30:33,595 Show me Saturday Night. 2172 01:30:33,595 --> 01:30:34,763 We go live in less than 10 minutes. 2173 01:30:34,763 --> 01:30:35,848 10 minutes! 2174 01:30:35,848 --> 01:30:37,307 No, you don't! 2175 01:30:39,810 --> 01:30:40,936 Show me. 2176 01:31:42,414 --> 01:31:44,875 Andy, you're a genius. Now save your voice. 2177 01:31:47,211 --> 01:31:48,420 Pull up Weekend Update. 2178 01:31:48,587 --> 01:31:51,006 We're movin' to Weekend Update, let's go! 2179 01:31:51,506 --> 01:31:52,841 - Hey. - You take it. 2180 01:31:53,467 --> 01:31:54,927 - What do you mean? - The show needs a face. 2181 01:31:55,093 --> 01:31:56,094 Are you sure? 2182 01:31:56,470 --> 01:31:58,472 You were born for this. Trust me. 2183 01:31:59,264 --> 01:32:00,766 Should I make up a name for the news anchor? 2184 01:32:00,933 --> 01:32:02,976 Use Chevy Chase. No one will believe it. 2185 01:32:05,812 --> 01:32:07,898 Hey, remember this. When you... 2186 01:32:08,065 --> 01:32:09,441 look into the lens... 2187 01:32:09,608 --> 01:32:11,693 you're making eye contact with America. 2188 01:32:12,986 --> 01:32:14,446 And now... 2189 01:32:14,613 --> 01:32:17,366 Weekend Update with Chevy Chase! 2190 01:32:25,082 --> 01:32:26,083 Hey, doll. 2191 01:32:26,583 --> 01:32:27,584 What are you wearing? 2192 01:32:29,044 --> 01:32:30,671 Is that why I hear purring? 2193 01:32:32,005 --> 01:32:33,382 What do you got for me? 2194 01:32:33,548 --> 01:32:34,549 It's my favorite. 2195 01:32:36,969 --> 01:32:37,970 Okay, great. 2196 01:32:40,055 --> 01:32:41,056 Good... 2197 01:32:41,223 --> 01:32:42,933 Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase. 2198 01:32:43,267 --> 01:32:44,351 The Post Office announced today... 2199 01:32:44,518 --> 01:32:47,062 that it's going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution... 2200 01:32:47,229 --> 01:32:48,438 in the United States. 2201 01:32:48,605 --> 01:32:49,606 It's a 10-cent stamp... 2202 01:32:49,898 --> 01:32:51,817 but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter. 2203 01:32:56,738 --> 01:32:58,699 All right, everyone. Eight minutes till showtime! 2204 01:33:00,784 --> 01:33:01,785 Open the doors! 2205 01:33:01,952 --> 01:33:02,953 Oh, thank God. 2206 01:33:03,954 --> 01:33:06,206 Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Preston. 2207 01:33:08,709 --> 01:33:11,044 Right this way, folks. You're in for a real treat. 2208 01:33:11,753 --> 01:33:12,754 Yeah! 2209 01:33:21,722 --> 01:33:22,973 Lorne, remember Carl? 2210 01:33:23,140 --> 01:33:25,600 Carl? Ooh, Carl! Have you ever used one of these before? 2211 01:33:25,767 --> 01:33:26,852 Not-a once. 2212 01:33:27,019 --> 01:33:28,395 You'll pick it up in no time. 2213 01:33:39,781 --> 01:33:41,450 Come on, guys. Grab a brick! 2214 01:33:53,086 --> 01:33:54,296 Heard you needed pages. 2215 01:33:55,047 --> 01:33:56,256 Oh, thanks, Mike. 2216 01:34:01,887 --> 01:34:02,888 Oh, no. 2217 01:34:07,559 --> 01:34:09,728 Dick, question. What is a "golden shower"? 2218 01:34:10,437 --> 01:34:13,190 - Oh. Uh... It's a yoga ritual... - Mmm... 2219 01:34:13,357 --> 01:34:14,441 ...in which practitioners... 2220 01:34:14,608 --> 01:34:18,320 greet the new day by allowing the golden rays of sun to... 2221 01:34:18,320 --> 01:34:19,738 - Shower. - Over their skin 2222 01:34:19,738 --> 01:34:20,822 - and warm their chakras. - Mmm. 2223 01:34:20,822 --> 01:34:22,407 - It's a California thing. - Mmm. 2224 01:34:22,407 --> 01:34:24,242 I've had at least 50 golden showers. 2225 01:34:24,701 --> 01:34:25,744 You heard him, Joan. 2226 01:34:25,744 --> 01:34:27,162 Sign the damn script. We're going to air. 2227 01:34:48,100 --> 01:34:50,477 Smith and Wesson K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum. 2228 01:34:50,644 --> 01:34:52,646 - Wallie, you son of a bitch! - Hey, you asked. 2229 01:34:52,813 --> 01:34:54,773 Wallie, my man. You got something for me? 2230 01:34:55,690 --> 01:34:56,775 Yes, you do. 2231 01:34:57,275 --> 01:34:59,277 George, I wanted to apologize for how you were treated... 2232 01:34:59,277 --> 01:35:00,362 Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! 2233 01:35:01,154 --> 01:35:02,239 Are you having a stroke? 2234 01:35:02,239 --> 01:35:03,698 You need more coke? 2235 01:35:05,200 --> 01:35:06,201 Danny! 2236 01:35:14,918 --> 01:35:16,753 Hurry up. Come on, faster. 2237 01:35:17,546 --> 01:35:18,547 Watch your fingers. 2238 01:35:26,680 --> 01:35:28,140 Oh, boy. Lockjaw! 2239 01:35:28,682 --> 01:35:29,808 It's too much cocaine, 2240 01:35:29,808 --> 01:35:31,101 it's seizing up the old mandibulars. 2241 01:35:31,101 --> 01:35:32,936 Let's get some finger love in there, huh? 2242 01:35:33,103 --> 01:35:34,938 Yep. Just a little bit of this, you'll be fine. 2243 01:35:35,105 --> 01:35:36,273 - Okay, great. - There we go. 2244 01:35:38,233 --> 01:35:39,317 Hey! 2245 01:35:46,450 --> 01:35:47,659 Here we go! 2246 01:35:58,587 --> 01:35:59,880 Can you get in that wig in 30 seconds? 2247 01:35:59,880 --> 01:36:01,548 -You got it, boss. - Has Henson got his pages? 2248 01:36:01,548 --> 01:36:02,632 He loves them. 2249 01:36:02,632 --> 01:36:04,092 - And will that crane get there? - It'll happen. 2250 01:36:04,092 --> 01:36:06,178 - Did you trim the fat on that? - Already on cue cards. 2251 01:36:06,595 --> 01:36:08,472 Laraine, I don't think you can make the change in... 2252 01:36:11,808 --> 01:36:13,018 Whoa. 2253 01:36:13,018 --> 01:36:14,227 I stand corrected. 2254 01:36:14,436 --> 01:36:15,645 Is that our show? 2255 01:36:16,188 --> 01:36:18,190 - That's our show. -Three minutes! 2256 01:36:18,565 --> 01:36:19,566 Yeah. 2257 01:36:22,777 --> 01:36:23,778 Last one. 2258 01:36:23,945 --> 01:36:26,823 - Last one. Get it in. Finally! - Yes! Come on! 2259 01:36:31,286 --> 01:36:34,748 Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Preston! 2260 01:37:00,315 --> 01:37:02,984 Photo! Photo! I want a photo! Come on, family photo! 2261 01:37:02,984 --> 01:37:04,778 No, no, no. We're at two minutes. There's no time! 2262 01:37:04,778 --> 01:37:06,363 No, come on. It'll never be the same 2263 01:37:06,363 --> 01:37:07,948 - after this. Come on. -Fuck! 2264 01:37:07,948 --> 01:37:10,450 I'm not leaving until I get my photo. Come on. 2265 01:37:10,617 --> 01:37:12,327 I guess everybody go ahead then. 2266 01:37:13,537 --> 01:37:14,913 Do we have a camera? 2267 01:37:16,831 --> 01:37:17,832 - I have a camera. -Just quickly. 2268 01:37:17,999 --> 01:37:19,376 Great. Yes! Come here. 2269 01:37:27,926 --> 01:37:30,136 All right. 60 seconds. Come on, everyone. 2270 01:37:30,303 --> 01:37:32,222 - Let's go, please. -After you, after you. 2271 01:37:32,222 --> 01:37:33,431 One minute. Let's go to work. 2272 01:37:39,271 --> 01:37:40,772 What are we using him for again? 2273 01:37:40,939 --> 01:37:42,816 -I don't really remember. -Sorry. 2274 01:37:43,692 --> 01:37:44,693 Thanks. 2275 01:37:44,859 --> 01:37:47,237 - Mmm, mmm, mmm. - Rocky, wake up. 2276 01:37:47,487 --> 01:37:48,655 Hey, hey, name. 2277 01:37:50,657 --> 01:37:52,617 Rosie, we need your last name for the credits. 2278 01:37:53,618 --> 01:37:54,869 - Shuster. - Shuster. 2279 01:38:00,333 --> 01:38:02,043 30 seconds! 2280 01:38:02,210 --> 01:38:04,087 Hey, can we get a mic check, please? 2281 01:38:05,672 --> 01:38:07,424 One, two... 2282 01:38:08,300 --> 01:38:09,301 three. 2283 01:38:09,467 --> 01:38:10,885 Somebody's got the yips. 2284 01:38:11,052 --> 01:38:12,470 -20 seconds. -Is Carlin in costume? 2285 01:38:12,762 --> 01:38:14,514 Yep, they settled on a T-shirt and jacket. 2286 01:38:14,681 --> 01:38:16,474 Mr. Carlin, may we get a mic check? 2287 01:38:16,641 --> 01:38:17,684 One, two, fuck you. 2288 01:38:17,851 --> 01:38:18,852 Subtle. 2289 01:38:19,019 --> 01:38:20,228 Carson's still cued for dead roll? 2290 01:38:20,395 --> 01:38:21,646 Are we going live or going to tape? 2291 01:38:26,526 --> 01:38:28,320 Pre-roll on VTR-14. 2292 01:38:29,654 --> 01:38:30,655 10 seconds. 2293 01:38:32,741 --> 01:38:33,908 Ready camera two. 2294 01:38:34,367 --> 01:38:35,452 Ready on the fade. 2295 01:38:35,785 --> 01:38:36,953 Five, four... 2296 01:38:37,120 --> 01:38:38,705 Are we going live or going to tape? 2297 01:38:38,705 --> 01:38:40,123 ...three, two... 2298 01:38:41,708 --> 01:38:42,709 Go live. 2299 01:38:42,876 --> 01:38:44,294 - Okay, go live. - Go live. Live, live. Go live. 2300 01:38:44,461 --> 01:38:47,047 Fade up. And we are live. 2301 01:38:52,510 --> 01:38:54,095 Ready camera one. Take camera one. 2302 01:38:54,262 --> 01:38:55,263 Cue Belushi. 2303 01:38:58,308 --> 01:38:59,351 Cue John. 2304 01:38:59,517 --> 01:39:01,102 - Where's John? -Where the hell is he? 2305 01:39:01,269 --> 01:39:02,520 Cue John. 2306 01:39:37,681 --> 01:39:38,682 Good evening. 2307 01:39:38,848 --> 01:39:39,849 Good evening. 2308 01:39:40,392 --> 01:39:41,726 Hey, get closer. 2309 01:39:44,229 --> 01:39:46,231 Good evening. 2310 01:39:47,607 --> 01:39:49,901 Good evening. 2311 01:39:51,695 --> 01:39:53,780 Good evening. 2312 01:39:55,490 --> 01:39:56,616 Let us begin. 2313 01:39:57,200 --> 01:39:59,244 Repeat after me. 2314 01:40:01,413 --> 01:40:03,415 -"I would like... - I would like... 2315 01:40:04,416 --> 01:40:05,792 "...to feed your fingertips... 2316 01:40:05,959 --> 01:40:08,044 ...to feed your fingertips... 2317 01:40:09,379 --> 01:40:10,422 "...to the wolverines." 2318 01:40:10,588 --> 01:40:12,048 ...to the wolverines. 2319 01:40:13,508 --> 01:40:16,636 -Next, "I am afraid... - I am afraid... 2320 01:40:17,178 --> 01:40:18,179 "...we are out... 2321 01:40:18,346 --> 01:40:19,347 ...we are out... 2322 01:40:19,931 --> 01:40:21,808 -"...of badgers." - ...of badgers. 2323 01:40:23,393 --> 01:40:24,477 "Would you accept... 2324 01:40:25,103 --> 01:40:26,354 Would you accept... 2325 01:40:26,521 --> 01:40:28,398 -"...a wolverine... - ...a wolverine... 2326 01:40:29,524 --> 01:40:31,526 -"...in its place?" - ...in its place? 2327 01:40:33,903 --> 01:40:36,030 Next. "'Hey!' Ned exclaimed." 2328 01:40:36,531 --> 01:40:37,907 "Hey!" Ned exclaimed. 2329 01:40:41,202 --> 01:40:42,245 "Let's boil... 2330 01:40:42,412 --> 01:40:43,872 Let's boil... 2331 01:40:44,038 --> 01:40:46,499 -"...the wolverines." - ...the wolverines. 2332 01:40:47,959 --> 01:40:49,502 Next... 2333 01:41:19,574 --> 01:41:22,327 Live from New York. It's Saturday Night! 2334 01:48:55,279 --> 01:48:56,614 Ah! 2335 01:48:56,614 --> 01:48:57,907 All right, we're going to do it again. 2336 01:48:58,074 --> 01:49:00,576 Now we got it. Now we got it. Go back. Go back. 170731