Original subtitles

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

GOOD EVENING. GOOD EVENING. GOOD EVENING.

GOOD EVENING. GOOD EVENING. GOOD EVENING.

GOOD EVENING. GOOD EVENING. GOOD EVENING.

GOOD EVENING. GOOD EVENING. WELL, LET'S BEGIN.

GOOD EVENING. WELL, LET'S BEGIN. REPEAT AFTER ME.

WELL, LET'S BEGIN. REPEAT AFTER ME. "I WOULD LIKE..."

REPEAT AFTER ME. "I WOULD LIKE..." I WOULD LIKE...

"I WOULD LIKE..." I WOULD LIKE... "TO FEED YOUR

I WOULD LIKE... "TO FEED YOUR FINGERTIPS..."

"TO FEED YOUR FINGERTIPS..." TO FEED YOUR FINGERTIPS...

FINGERTIPS..." TO FEED YOUR FINGERTIPS... "TO THE WOLVERINES."

TO FEED YOUR FINGERTIPS... "TO THE WOLVERINES." TO THE WOLVERINES.

"TO THE WOLVERINES." TO THE WOLVERINES. NEXT... "I AM AFRAID..."

TO THE WOLVERINES. NEXT... "I AM AFRAID..." I AM AFRAID...

NEXT... "I AM AFRAID..." I AM AFRAID... "WE ARE OUT..."

I AM AFRAID... "WE ARE OUT..." WE ARE OUT...

"WE ARE OUT..." WE ARE OUT... "OF BADGERS."

WE ARE OUT... "OF BADGERS." OF BADGERS.

"OF BADGERS." OF BADGERS. "WOULD YOU ACCEPT..."

OF BADGERS. "WOULD YOU ACCEPT..." WOULD YOU ACCEPT...

"WOULD YOU ACCEPT..." WOULD YOU ACCEPT... "A WOLVERINE..."

WOULD YOU ACCEPT... "A WOLVERINE..." A WOLVERINE...

"A WOLVERINE..." A WOLVERINE... "IN ITS PLACE?"

A WOLVERINE... "IN ITS PLACE?" IN ITS PLACE?

"IN ITS PLACE?" IN ITS PLACE? NEXT... "'HEY!, ' NED EXCLAIMED."

IN ITS PLACE? NEXT... "'HEY!, ' NED EXCLAIMED." "HEY!, " NED EXCLAIMED.

NEXT... "'HEY!, ' NED EXCLAIMED." "HEY!, " NED EXCLAIMED. "'LET'S BOIL...'"

"HEY!," NED EXCLAIMED. "'LET'S BOIL...'" "LET'S BOIL..."

"'LET'S BOIL...'" "LET'S BOIL..." "'...THE WOLVERINES.'"

"LET'S BOIL..." "'...THE WOLVERINES.'" "THE WOLVERINES."

"'...THE WOLVERINES.'" "THE WOLVERINES." NEXT... [GASPS]

"THE WOLVERINES." NEXT... [GASPS] [GASPS]

NEXT... [GASPS] [GASPS] [LAUGHTER]

[GASPS] [LAUGHTER] LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

[LAUGHTER] LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: STARRING...

THE NOT-FOR-READY-PRIMETIME

PLAYERS...

AND COMEDIANS... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GEORGE CARLIN!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GEORGE CARLIN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TALK ABOUT A LIVE SHOW. WOW. NICE TO SEE YOU.

WOW. NICE TO SEE YOU. WELCOME, AND THANKS FOR JOINING

NICE TO SEE YOU. WELCOME, AND THANKS FOR JOINING US LIVE.

WELCOME, AND THANKS FOR JOINING US LIVE. KIND OF GLAD THAT WE'RE ON AT

US LIVE. KIND OF GLAD THAT WE'RE ON AT NIGHT SO THAT WE'RE NOT

KIND OF GLAD THAT WE'RE ON AT NIGHT SO THAT WE'RE NOT COMPETING WITH ALL THE FOOTBALL

NIGHT SO THAT WE'RE NOT COMPETING WITH ALL THE FOOTBALL AND BASEBALL GAMES.

COMPETING WITH ALL THE FOOTBALL AND BASEBALL GAMES. SO MANY, MAN.

AND BASEBALL GAMES. SO MANY, MAN. ALL THE TIME.

SO MANY, MAN. ALL THE TIME. AND THIS IS THE TIME OF YEAR

ALL THE TIME. AND THIS IS THE TIME OF YEAR WHEN THERE'S BOTH, YOU KNOW?

AND THIS IS THE TIME OF YEAR WHEN THERE'S BOTH, YOU KNOW? FOOTBALL'S KIND OF NICE.

WHEN THERE'S BOTH, YOU KNOW? FOOTBALL'S KIND OF NICE. THEY CHANGED IT A LITTLE BIT.

FOOTBALL'S KIND OF NICE. THEY CHANGED IT A LITTLE BIT. THEY MOVED THE HASH MARKS IN.

THEY CHANGED IT A LITTLE BIT. THEY MOVED THE HASH MARKS IN. GUYS FOUND THEM AND SMOKED THEM

THEY MOVED THE HASH MARKS IN. GUYS FOUND THEM AND SMOKED THEM ANYWAY.

GUYS FOUND THEM AND SMOKED THEM ANYWAY. [LAUGHTER]

ANYWAY. [LAUGHTER] BUT, YOU KNOW, FOOTBALL WANTS TO

[LAUGHTER] BUT, YOU KNOW, FOOTBALL WANTS TO BE THE NUMBER-ONE SPORT,

BUT, YOU KNOW, FOOTBALL WANTS TO BE THE NUMBER-ONE SPORT, NATIONAL PASTIME, AND I THINK IT

BE THE NUMBER-ONE SPORT, NATIONAL PASTIME, AND I THINK IT ALREADY IS, REALLY, BECAUSE

NATIONAL PASTIME, AND I THINK IT ALREADY IS, REALLY, BECAUSE FOOTBALL REPRESENTS SOMETHING WE

ALREADY IS, REALLY, BECAUSE FOOTBALL REPRESENTS SOMETHING WE ARE.

FOOTBALL REPRESENTS SOMETHING WE ARE. WE ARE EUROPE JR.

ARE. WE ARE EUROPE JR. WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT,

WE ARE EUROPE JR. WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT, WE'RE EUROPE JR.

WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT, WE'RE EUROPE JR. WE PLAY THE EUROPE GAME.

WE'RE EUROPE JR. WE PLAY THE EUROPE GAME. WHAT WAS THE EUROPE GAME?

WE PLAY THE EUROPE GAME. WHAT WAS THE EUROPE GAME? "LET'S TAKE THEIR LAND AWAY FROM

WHAT WAS THE EUROPE GAME? "LET'S TAKE THEIR LAND AWAY FROM THEM!

"LET'S TAKE THEIR LAND AWAY FROM THEM! YOU'LL BE THE PINK, WE'LL BE

THEM! YOU'LL BE THE PINK, WE'LL BE BLUE, AND THEY'LL BE THE GREEN."

YOU'LL BE THE PINK, WE'LL BE BLUE, AND THEY'LL BE THE GREEN." GROUND ACQUISITION.

BLUE, AND THEY'LL BE THE GREEN." GROUND ACQUISITION. AND THAT'S WHAT FOOTBALL IS.

GROUND ACQUISITION. AND THAT'S WHAT FOOTBALL IS. FOOTBALL IS A GROUND-ACQUISITION

AND THAT'S WHAT FOOTBALL IS. FOOTBALL IS A GROUND-ACQUISITION GAME.

FOOTBALL IS A GROUND-ACQUISITION GAME. YOU KNOCK THE CRAP OUT OF 11

GAME. YOU KNOCK THE CRAP OUT OF 11 GUYS AND TAKE THEIR LAND AWAY

YOU KNOCK THE CRAP OUT OF 11 GUYS AND TAKE THEIR LAND AWAY FROM THEM.

GUYS AND TAKE THEIR LAND AWAY FROM THEM. COURSE, WE ONLY DO IT 10 YARDS

FROM THEM. COURSE, WE ONLY DO IT 10 YARDS AT A TIME.

COURSE, WE ONLY DO IT 10 YARDS AT A TIME. THAT'S THE WAY WE DID IT WITH

AT A TIME. THAT'S THE WAY WE DID IT WITH THE INDIANS... LITTLE BY LITTLE.

THAT'S THE WAY WE DID IT WITH THE INDIANS... LITTLE BY LITTLE. "FIRST DOWN IN OHIO... MIDWEST

THE INDIANS... LITTLE BY LITTLE. "FIRST DOWN IN OHIO... MIDWEST TO GO!"

"FIRST DOWN IN OHIO... MIDWEST TO GO!" I THINK IT'S NOT SURPRISING THAT

TO GO!" I THINK IT'S NOT SURPRISING THAT FOOTBALL VIES AND...

I THINK IT'S NOT SURPRISING THAT FOOTBALL VIES AND... LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY.

FOOTBALL VIES AND... LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY. THERE ARE THINGS ABOUT THE WORDS

LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY. THERE ARE THINGS ABOUT THE WORDS SURROUNDING FOOTBALL AND

THERE ARE THINGS ABOUT THE WORDS SURROUNDING FOOTBALL AND BASEBALL WHICH GIVE IT ALL AWAY.

SURROUNDING FOOTBALL AND BASEBALL WHICH GIVE IT ALL AWAY. FOOTBALL IS TECHNOLOGICAL.

BASEBALL WHICH GIVE IT ALL AWAY. FOOTBALL IS TECHNOLOGICAL. BASEBALL IS PASTORAL.

FOOTBALL IS TECHNOLOGICAL. BASEBALL IS PASTORAL. [LAUGHTER]

BASEBALL IS PASTORAL. [LAUGHTER] FOOTBALL IS PLAYED IN A STADIUM.

[LAUGHTER] FOOTBALL IS PLAYED IN A STADIUM. BASEBALL IS PLAYED IN A PARK.

FOOTBALL IS PLAYED IN A STADIUM. BASEBALL IS PLAYED IN A PARK. [LAUGHTER]

BASEBALL IS PLAYED IN A PARK. [LAUGHTER] IN FOOTBALL, YOU WEAR A HELMET.

[LAUGHTER] IN FOOTBALL, YOU WEAR A HELMET. IN BASEBALL, YOU WEAR A CAP.

IN FOOTBALL, YOU WEAR A HELMET. IN BASEBALL, YOU WEAR A CAP. [LAUGHTER]

IN BASEBALL, YOU WEAR A CAP. [LAUGHTER] FOOTBALL IS PLAYED ON AN

[LAUGHTER] FOOTBALL IS PLAYED ON AN ENCLOSED, RECTANGULAR GRID, AND

FOOTBALL IS PLAYED ON AN ENCLOSED, RECTANGULAR GRID, AND EVERY ONE OF THEM IS THE SAME

ENCLOSED, RECTANGULAR GRID, AND EVERY ONE OF THEM IS THE SAME SIZE.

EVERY ONE OF THEM IS THE SAME SIZE. BASEBALL IS PLAYED ON AN

SIZE. BASEBALL IS PLAYED ON AN EVER-WIDENING ANGLE THAT REACHES

BASEBALL IS PLAYED ON AN EVER-WIDENING ANGLE THAT REACHES TO INFINITY, AND EVERY PARK IS

EVER-WIDENING ANGLE THAT REACHES TO INFINITY, AND EVERY PARK IS DIFFERENT!

TO INFINITY, AND EVERY PARK IS DIFFERENT! FOOTBALL IS RIGIDLY TIMED.

DIFFERENT! FOOTBALL IS RIGIDLY TIMED. BASEBALL HAS NO TIME LIMIT.

FOOTBALL IS RIGIDLY TIMED. BASEBALL HAS NO TIME LIMIT. WE DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S GONNA

BASEBALL HAS NO TIME LIMIT. WE DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S GONNA END!

WE DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S GONNA END! [LAUGHTER]

END! [LAUGHTER] WE MIGHT EVEN HAVE EXTRA

[LAUGHTER] WE MIGHT EVEN HAVE EXTRA INNINGS!

WE MIGHT EVEN HAVE EXTRA INNINGS! IN FOOTBALL, YOU GET A PENALTY.

INNINGS! IN FOOTBALL, YOU GET A PENALTY. IN BASEBALL, YOU MAKE AN

IN FOOTBALL, YOU GET A PENALTY. IN BASEBALL, YOU MAKE AN ERROR... WHOOPS!

IN BASEBALL, YOU MAKE AN ERROR... WHOOPS! [LAUGHTER]

ERROR... WHOOPS! [LAUGHTER] THE OBJECT IN FOOTBALL IS TO

[LAUGHTER] THE OBJECT IN FOOTBALL IS TO MARCH DOWNFIELD AND PENETRATE

THE OBJECT IN FOOTBALL IS TO MARCH DOWNFIELD AND PENETRATE ENEMY TERRITORY AND GET INTO

MARCH DOWNFIELD AND PENETRATE ENEMY TERRITORY AND GET INTO THE END ZONE.

ENEMY TERRITORY AND GET INTO THE END ZONE. IN BASEBALL, THE OBJECT IS TO GO

THE END ZONE. IN BASEBALL, THE OBJECT IS TO GO HOME!

IN BASEBALL, THE OBJECT IS TO GO HOME! "I'M GOING HOME!"

HOME! "I'M GOING HOME!" AND IN FOOTBALL, THEY HAVE THE

"I'M GOING HOME!" AND IN FOOTBALL, THEY HAVE THE CLIP, THE HIT, THE BLOCK, THE

AND IN FOOTBALL, THEY HAVE THE CLIP, THE HIT, THE BLOCK, THE TACKLE, THE BLITZ, THE BOMB, THE

CLIP, THE HIT, THE BLOCK, THE TACKLE, THE BLITZ, THE BOMB, THE OFFENSE AND THE DEFENSE.

TACKLE, THE BLITZ, THE BOMB, THE OFFENSE AND THE DEFENSE. IN BASEBALL, THEY HAVE...

OFFENSE AND THE DEFENSE. IN BASEBALL, THEY HAVE... THE SACRIFICE.

IN BASEBALL, THEY HAVE... THE SACRIFICE. [LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS] HONEY, I'M HOME! DADDY!

HONEY, I'M HOME! DADDY! HEY, PAL!

DADDY! HEY, PAL! [LAUGHING]

HEY, PAL! [LAUGHING] HOW YOU DOING?

[LAUGHING] HOW YOU DOING? Announcer: YOU HAVE A LOVELY

HOW YOU DOING? Announcer: YOU HAVE A LOVELY HOME, A GOOD JOB, SOLID

Announcer: YOU HAVE A LOVELY HOME, A GOOD JOB, SOLID INVESTMENTS, A WONDERFUL

HOME, A GOOD JOB, SOLID INVESTMENTS, A WONDERFUL FAMILY... EVERYTHING YOU NEED

INVESTMENTS, A WONDERFUL FAMILY... EVERYTHING YOU NEED FOR THE FUTURE.

FAMILY... EVERYTHING YOU NEED FOR THE FUTURE. OR IS IT?

FOR THE FUTURE. OR IS IT? WHAT IF YOU WERE SUDDENLY OUT OF

OR IS IT? WHAT IF YOU WERE SUDDENLY OUT OF THE PICTURE?

WHAT IF YOU WERE SUDDENLY OUT OF THE PICTURE? [DING!]

THE PICTURE? [DING!] SHOULD TRAGEDY STRIKE, WHAT

[DING!] SHOULD TRAGEDY STRIKE, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THEM?

SHOULD TRAGEDY STRIKE, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THEM? SURE, YOU'VE PROVIDED FOR THEM

WOULD HAPPEN TO THEM? SURE, YOU'VE PROVIDED FOR THEM FINANCIALLY, BUT WHAT ABOUT

SURE, YOU'VE PROVIDED FOR THEM FINANCIALLY, BUT WHAT ABOUT THEIR EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL

FINANCIALLY, BUT WHAT ABOUT THEIR EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL NEEDS?

THEIR EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL NEEDS? [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

NEEDS? [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS]

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS] HONEY, I'M HOME!

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS] HONEY, I'M HOME! DADDY!

HONEY, I'M HOME! DADDY! Announcer: YES, IT'S

DADDY! Announcer: YES, IT'S "NEW DAD"... A RADICALLY NEW

Announcer: YES, IT'S "NEW DAD"... A RADICALLY NEW CONCEPT IN FAMILY INSURANCE

"NEW DAD"... A RADICALLY NEW CONCEPT IN FAMILY INSURANCE COVERAGE.

CONCEPT IN FAMILY INSURANCE COVERAGE. WITHIN SECONDS AFTER "OLD DAD"

COVERAGE. WITHIN SECONDS AFTER "OLD DAD" IS OUT, WE'LL HAVE "NEW DAD"

WITHIN SECONDS AFTER "OLD DAD" IS OUT, WE'LL HAVE "NEW DAD" THERE TO TAKE HIS PLACE.

IS OUT, WE'LL HAVE "NEW DAD" THERE TO TAKE HIS PLACE. IS YOUR FAMILY COMPLETELY

THERE TO TAKE HIS PLACE. IS YOUR FAMILY COMPLETELY COVERED, NOT JUST FINANCIALLY,

IS YOUR FAMILY COMPLETELY COVERED, NOT JUST FINANCIALLY, BUT IN EVERY WAY?

COVERED, NOT JUST FINANCIALLY, BUT IN EVERY WAY? WHY NOT CALL YOUR LOCAL

BUT IN EVERY WAY? WHY NOT CALL YOUR LOCAL INDEPENDENT INSURANCE AGENT

WHY NOT CALL YOUR LOCAL INDEPENDENT INSURANCE AGENT TODAY AND ASK HIM ABOUT OUR

INDEPENDENT INSURANCE AGENT TODAY AND ASK HIM ABOUT OUR "NEW DAD" POLICY...

TODAY AND ASK HIM ABOUT OUR "NEW DAD" POLICY... BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE?

"NEW DAD" POLICY... BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE? THAT'S "NEW DAD"... THE ONLY

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE? THAT'S "NEW DAD"... THE ONLY INSURANCE THAT COVERS ALL OF

THAT'S "NEW DAD"... THE ONLY INSURANCE THAT COVERS ALL OF THEIR NEEDS.

INSURANCE THAT COVERS ALL OF THEIR NEEDS. [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [BILLY PRESTON'S "NOTHING FROM NOTHING" PLAYS]

[BILLY PRESTON'S "NOTHING FROM NOTHING" PLAYS] Announcer: AND NOW

[NOTHING" PLAYS] Announcer: AND NOW BILLY PRESTON WITH

Announcer: AND NOW BILLY PRESTON WITH "NOTHING FROM NOTHING."

BILLY PRESTON WITH "NOTHING FROM NOTHING." [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"NOTHING FROM NOTHING." [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES NOTHING ♪

♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES NOTHING ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪

NOTHING ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪ ♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪ ♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪ ♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES

♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪ ♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES NOTHING ♪

♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES NOTHING ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪

NOTHING ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪ ♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪ ♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH! ♪

♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH! ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT, BABY ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH! ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT, BABY ♪ ♪ YEAH, BABY ♪

♪ THAT'S RIGHT, BABY ♪ ♪ YEAH, BABY ♪ ♪ YEAH! ♪

♪ YEAH, BABY ♪ ♪ YEAH! ♪ ♪ I'M NOT TRYIN' TO BE YOUR

♪ YEAH! ♪ ♪ I'M NOT TRYIN' TO BE YOUR HERO ♪

♪ I'M NOT TRYIN' TO BE YOUR HERO ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THAT ZERO IS TOO COLD

HERO ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THAT ZERO IS TOO COLD FOR ME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THAT ZERO IS TOO COLD FOR ME ♪ BRRR!

FOR ME ♪ BRRR! ♪ I'M NOT TRYIN' TO BE YOUR

BRRR! ♪ I'M NOT TRYIN' TO BE YOUR HIGHNESS ♪

♪ I'M NOT TRYIN' TO BE YOUR HIGHNESS ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THAT MINUS IS TOO LOW

HIGHNESS ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THAT MINUS IS TOO LOW TO SEE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THAT MINUS IS TOO LOW TO SEE ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

TO SEE ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH! ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH! ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH! ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH! ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH! ♪ ♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES

♪ YEAH! ♪ ♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES NOTHING ♪

♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES NOTHING ♪ ♪ AND I'M NOT STUFFIN' ♪

NOTHING ♪ ♪ AND I'M NOT STUFFIN' ♪ ♪ BELIEVE YOU ME ♪

♪ AND I'M NOT STUFFIN' ♪ ♪ BELIEVE YOU ME ♪ ♪ DON'T YOU REMEMBER I TOLD YA ♪

♪ BELIEVE YOU ME ♪ ♪ DON'T YOU REMEMBER I TOLD YA ♪ ♪ I'M A SOLDIER IN THE WAR ON

♪ DON'T YOU REMEMBER I TOLD YA ♪ ♪ I'M A SOLDIER IN THE WAR ON POVERTY? ♪

♪ I'M A SOLDIER IN THE WAR ON POVERTY? ♪ ♪ YES, I AM ♪

POVERTY? ♪ ♪ YES, I AM ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ YES, I AM ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH! ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH! ♪ ♪ YEAH, BABY ♪

♪ YEAH! ♪ ♪ YEAH, BABY ♪ [ORGAN SOLO]

♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES NOTHING ♪ ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

NOTHING ♪ ISN'T THAT RIGHT? ♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪

ISN'T THAT RIGHT? ♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪ ♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪ ♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪ OH, BABY!

♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪ OH, BABY! ♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES

OH, BABY! ♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES NOTHING ♪

♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES NOTHING ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪

NOTHING ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪ ♪ IF YOU'RE GONNA BE WITH ME ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪ ♪ IF YOU'RE GONNA BE WITH ME ♪ ♪ YEAH, BABY ♪

♪ IF YOU'RE GONNA BE WITH ME ♪ ♪ YEAH, BABY ♪ ♪ YEAH! ♪

♪ YEAH, BABY ♪ ♪ YEAH! ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT! ♪

♪ YEAH! ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT! ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪

♪ THAT'S RIGHT! ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH, BABY ♪

♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH, BABY ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪

♪ YEAH, BABY ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪ ♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪ ♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO BRING ME SOMETHING,

♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO BRING ME SOMETHING, GIRL... HA! IF YOU WANT TO BE

♪ YOU GOT TO BRING ME SOMETHING, GIRL... HA! IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪

GIRL... HA! IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO KNOW HOW TO PARTY ♪

WITH ME ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO KNOW HOW TO PARTY ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO KNOW HOW TO PARTY ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO KNOW HOW TO PARTY ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO KNOW HOW TO PARTY ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO KNOW HOW TO PARTY ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO KNOW HOW TO PARTY ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO KNOW HOW TO PARTY ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT!

♪ YOU GOT TO KNOW HOW TO PARTY ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT! ♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪

IT'S ALL RIGHT! ♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪ [FINALE PLAYS]

♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪ [FINALE PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[GAVEL BANGING] NOW I MUST HAVE ORDER, PLEASE, OR I'LL BE FORCED TO CLEAR THIS

NOW I MUST HAVE ORDER, PLEASE, OR I'LL BE FORCED TO CLEAR THIS COURTROOM.

OR I'LL BE FORCED TO CLEAR THIS COURTROOM. MISS DAVIS, WOULD YOU KINDLY

COURTROOM. MISS DAVIS, WOULD YOU KINDLY TELL THE COURT, IN YOUR OWN

MISS DAVIS, WOULD YOU KINDLY TELL THE COURT, IN YOUR OWN WORDS, WHAT THE DEFENDANT

TELL THE COURT, IN YOUR OWN WORDS, WHAT THE DEFENDANT ALLEGEDLY SAID TO YOU WHEN HE

WORDS, WHAT THE DEFENDANT ALLEGEDLY SAID TO YOU WHEN HE PULLED YOU INTO THE ALLEYWAY?

ALLEGEDLY SAID TO YOU WHEN HE PULLED YOU INTO THE ALLEYWAY? HE SAID, "HEY...

PULLED YOU INTO THE ALLEYWAY? HE SAID, "HEY... HEY, BABY, H-HOW'D YOU LIKE TO,

HE SAID, "HEY... HEY, BABY, H-HOW'D YOU LIKE TO, UH..."

HEY, BABY, H-HOW'D YOU LIKE TO, UH..." I CAN'T.

UH..." I CAN'T. [GAVEL BANGS]

I CAN'T. [GAVEL BANGS] NOW, PLEASE, MISS DAVIS, I

[GAVEL BANGS] NOW, PLEASE, MISS DAVIS, I KNOW THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR

NOW, PLEASE, MISS DAVIS, I KNOW THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR YOU, BUT THIS IS EXTREMELY

KNOW THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR YOU, BUT THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT EVIDENCE.

YOU, BUT THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT EVIDENCE. HE SAID, "H-HOW'D YOU LIKE

IMPORTANT EVIDENCE. HE SAID, "H-HOW'D YOU LIKE TO, UH..."

HE SAID, "H-HOW'D YOU LIKE TO, UH..." OH, DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT.

TO, UH..." OH, DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT. [Jamaican accent] OBJECTION!

OH, DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT. [Jamaican accent] OBJECTION! THE WITNESS IS NOT ON TRIAL

[Jamaican accent] OBJECTION! THE WITNESS IS NOT ON TRIAL HERE.

THE WITNESS IS NOT ON TRIAL HERE. NOW, OBVIOUSLY, WHAT HE SAID WAS

HERE. NOW, OBVIOUSLY, WHAT HE SAID WAS TOO UPSETTING FOR HER TO REPEAT.

NOW, OBVIOUSLY, WHAT HE SAID WAS TOO UPSETTING FOR HER TO REPEAT. OBJECTION! HEARSAY.

TOO UPSETTING FOR HER TO REPEAT. OBJECTION! HEARSAY. GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN.

OBJECTION! HEARSAY. GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN. NOW, SINCE THIS EVIDENCE IS SO

GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN. NOW, SINCE THIS EVIDENCE IS SO EXTREMELY IMPORTANT, PERHAPS

NOW, SINCE THIS EVIDENCE IS SO EXTREMELY IMPORTANT, PERHAPS MISS DAVIS MIGHT WRITE DOWN THE

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT, PERHAPS MISS DAVIS MIGHT WRITE DOWN THE DEFENDANT'S REMARKS ON A PIECE

MISS DAVIS MIGHT WRITE DOWN THE DEFENDANT'S REMARKS ON A PIECE OF PAPER?

DEFENDANT'S REMARKS ON A PIECE OF PAPER? [CLEARS THROAT]

Announcer: AND NOW HERE'S ANDY KAUFMAN! [APPLAUSE]

[STATIC HISSING] [THEME FROM "MIGHTY MOUSE" PLAYS]

[THEME FROM "MIGHTY MOUSE" PLAYS] ♪ MR. TROUBLE NEVER HANGS

[PLAYS] ♪ MR. TROUBLE NEVER HANGS AROUND ♪

♪ MR. TROUBLE NEVER HANGS AROUND ♪ ♪ WHEN HE HEARS THIS MIGHTY

AROUND ♪ ♪ WHEN HE HEARS THIS MIGHTY SOUND ♪

♪ WHEN HE HEARS THIS MIGHTY SOUND ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ HERE I

SOUND ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! ♪ ♪ THAT MEANS THAT

COME TO SAVE THE DAY! ♪ ♪ THAT MEANS THAT MIGHTY MOUSE IS ON THE WAY ♪

♪ THAT MEANS THAT MIGHTY MOUSE IS ON THE WAY ♪ ♪ YES, SIR, WHEN THERE IS A

MIGHTY MOUSE IS ON THE WAY ♪ ♪ YES, SIR, WHEN THERE IS A WRONG TO RIGHT ♪

♪ YES, SIR, WHEN THERE IS A WRONG TO RIGHT ♪ ♪ MIGHTY MOUSE WILL JOIN THE

WRONG TO RIGHT ♪ ♪ MIGHTY MOUSE WILL JOIN THE FIGHT ♪

♪ MIGHTY MOUSE WILL JOIN THE FIGHT ♪ ♪ ON THE SEA OR ON THE LAND ♪

FIGHT ♪ ♪ ON THE SEA OR ON THE LAND ♪ ♪ HE GETS THE SITUATION WELL IN

♪ ON THE SEA OR ON THE LAND ♪ ♪ HE GETS THE SITUATION WELL IN HAND ♪

♪ HE GETS THE SITUATION WELL IN HAND ♪ ♪ SO THOUGH WE ARE IN

HAND ♪ ♪ SO THOUGH WE ARE IN DANGER ♪

♪ SO THOUGH WE ARE IN DANGER ♪ ♪ WE NEVER DESPAIR ♪

DANGER ♪ ♪ WE NEVER DESPAIR ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE WE KNOW THAT WHERE

♪ WE NEVER DESPAIR ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE WE KNOW THAT WHERE THERE'S DANGER, HE IS THERE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE KNOW THAT WHERE THERE'S DANGER, HE IS THERE ♪ ♪ HE IS THERE!

THERE'S DANGER, HE IS THERE ♪ ♪ HE IS THERE! ♪ ON THE LAND, ON THE SEA, IN

♪ HE IS THERE! ♪ ON THE LAND, ON THE SEA, IN THE AIR! ♪

♪ ON THE LAND, ON THE SEA, IN THE AIR! ♪ ♪ WE'RE NOT WORRYIN' AT ALL ♪

THE AIR! ♪ ♪ WE'RE NOT WORRYIN' AT ALL ♪ ♪ WE'RE JUST LISTENIN' FOR HIS

♪ WE'RE NOT WORRYIN' AT ALL ♪ ♪ WE'RE JUST LISTENIN' FOR HIS CALL ♪

♪ WE'RE JUST LISTENIN' FOR HIS CALL ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ HERE I

CALL ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! ♪ ♪ THAT MEANS THAT

COME TO SAVE THE DAY! ♪ ♪ THAT MEANS THAT MIGHTY MOUSE IS ON THE WAY ♪

♪ THAT MEANS THAT MIGHTY MOUSE IS ON THE WAY ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

♪ WE'RE NOT WORRYIN' AT ALL ♪ ♪ WE'RE JUST LISTENIN' FOR HIS CALL ♪

♪ WE'RE JUST LISTENIN' FOR HIS CALL ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ HERE I

CALL ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! ♪ ♪ THAT MEANS THAT

COME TO SAVE THE DAY! ♪ ♪ THAT MEANS THAT MIGHTY MOUSE IS ON THE WAY! ♪

♪ THAT MEANS THAT MIGHTY MOUSE IS ON THE WAY! ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYS]

THANK YOU. HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE HEARD THIS IN YOUR HOME?

HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE HEARD THIS IN YOUR HOME? "WHERE'S THE GOOD SCISSORS?"

IN YOUR HOME? "WHERE'S THE GOOD SCISSORS?" [LAUGHTER]

"WHERE'S THE GOOD SCISSORS?" [LAUGHTER] "I CAN'T KEEP ANYTHING NICE IN

[LAUGHTER] "I CAN'T KEEP ANYTHING NICE IN THIS HOUSE."

"I CAN'T KEEP ANYTHING NICE IN THIS HOUSE." HERE'S ANOTHER THING YOU'LL HEAR

THIS HOUSE." HERE'S ANOTHER THING YOU'LL HEAR AT HOME.

HERE'S ANOTHER THING YOU'LL HEAR AT HOME. MOSTLY GUYS SAY THIS.

AT HOME. MOSTLY GUYS SAY THIS. "HEY, WHO STOLE MY UNDERWEAR?!

MOSTLY GUYS SAY THIS. "HEY, WHO STOLE MY UNDERWEAR?! SOMEBODY STOLE MY UNDERWEAR!"

"HEY, WHO STOLE MY UNDERWEAR?! SOMEBODY STOLE MY UNDERWEAR!" "WHICH ONE?"

SOMEBODY STOLE MY UNDERWEAR!" "WHICH ONE?" "THIS WEEK'S UNDERWEAR."

"WHICH ONE?" "THIS WEEK'S UNDERWEAR." DO YOU EVER LOOK AT THE CROWDS

"THIS WEEK'S UNDERWEAR." DO YOU EVER LOOK AT THE CROWDS IN OLD MOVIES AND WONDER IF

DO YOU EVER LOOK AT THE CROWDS IN OLD MOVIES AND WONDER IF THEY'RE DEAD YET?

IN OLD MOVIES AND WONDER IF THEY'RE DEAD YET? [LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE DEAD YET? [LAUGHTER] THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER] THANK YOU. I CAN'T HELP IT.

THANK YOU. I CAN'T HELP IT. I DO.

I CAN'T HELP IT. I DO. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO THROW

I DO. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO THROW AWAY AN OLD WASTEBASKET?

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO THROW AWAY AN OLD WASTEBASKET? YOU CAN'T DO IT.

AWAY AN OLD WASTEBASKET? YOU CAN'T DO IT. PEOPLE KEEP BRINGING IT BACK TO

YOU CAN'T DO IT. PEOPLE KEEP BRINGING IT BACK TO YOU, MAN.

PEOPLE KEEP BRINGING IT BACK TO YOU, MAN. "HEY, UH, YOUR WASTEBASKET WAS

YOU, MAN. "HEY, UH, YOUR WASTEBASKET WAS IN THE GARBAGE HERE!"

"HEY, UH, YOUR WASTEBASKET WAS IN THE GARBAGE HERE!" [LAUGHTER]

IN THE GARBAGE HERE!" [LAUGHTER] CHECK THIS OUT... WHEN YOU HAVE

[LAUGHTER] CHECK THIS OUT... WHEN YOU HAVE A PACKAGE OF BACON, UNDERNEATH

CHECK THIS OUT... WHEN YOU HAVE A PACKAGE OF BACON, UNDERNEATH ALL THE NEAT, HORIZONTAL STRIPS,

A PACKAGE OF BACON, UNDERNEATH ALL THE NEAT, HORIZONTAL STRIPS, THERE'S ALWAYS ONE WEIRD PIECE

ALL THE NEAT, HORIZONTAL STRIPS, THERE'S ALWAYS ONE WEIRD PIECE OF BACON.

WHAT DO DOGS DO ON THEIR DAY OFF? THEY CAN'T LIE AROUND.

OFF? THEY CAN'T LIE AROUND. THAT'S THEIR JOB, MAN.

THEY CAN'T LIE AROUND. THAT'S THEIR JOB, MAN. AS YOU KNOW, THEY SEARCH YOU

THAT'S THEIR JOB, MAN. AS YOU KNOW, THEY SEARCH YOU PRETTY WELL AT THE AIRPORT.

AS YOU KNOW, THEY SEARCH YOU PRETTY WELL AT THE AIRPORT. THERE'LL BE LOTS OF PLACES LATER

PRETTY WELL AT THE AIRPORT. THERE'LL BE LOTS OF PLACES LATER THEY'LL BE SEARCHING US, BUT THE

THERE'LL BE LOTS OF PLACES LATER THEY'LL BE SEARCHING US, BUT THE AIRPORT IS WHERE THEY'RE KIND OF

THEY'LL BE SEARCHING US, BUT THE AIRPORT IS WHERE THEY'RE KIND OF TRYING IT OUT.

AIRPORT IS WHERE THEY'RE KIND OF TRYING IT OUT. AND, AS YOU KNOW, THEY SEND YOUR

TRYING IT OUT. AND, AS YOU KNOW, THEY SEND YOUR BAGS THROUGH TO MAKE SURE

AND, AS YOU KNOW, THEY SEND YOUR BAGS THROUGH TO MAKE SURE THERE ARE NO WEAPONS.

BAGS THROUGH TO MAKE SURE THERE ARE NO WEAPONS. "DON'T WANT ANY WEAPONS ON THE

THERE ARE NO WEAPONS. "DON'T WANT ANY WEAPONS ON THE PLANE, YOU KNOW!"

"DON'T WANT ANY WEAPONS ON THE PLANE, YOU KNOW!" THE LITTLE FLUOROSCOPE JOB, AND

PLANE, YOU KNOW!" THE LITTLE FLUOROSCOPE JOB, AND THEY RUN YOU THROUGH THE MODEL

THE LITTLE FLUOROSCOPE JOB, AND THEY RUN YOU THROUGH THE MODEL HOME, AND, "NO WEAPONS!

THEY RUN YOU THROUGH THE MODEL HOME, AND, "NO WEAPONS! LET THEM ON!"

HOME, AND, "NO WEAPONS! LET THEM ON!" YOU GET ON THE PLANE, AND YOU'RE

LET THEM ON!" YOU GET ON THE PLANE, AND YOU'RE CLEAN!

YOU GET ON THE PLANE, AND YOU'RE CLEAN! WHAT DO THEY DO?

CLEAN! WHAT DO THEY DO? THEY GIVE YOU A KNIFE AND A

WHAT DO THEY DO? THEY GIVE YOU A KNIFE AND A FORK AND ALL THE WINE YOU CAN

THEY GIVE YOU A KNIFE AND A FORK AND ALL THE WINE YOU CAN DRINK, MAN.

FORK AND ALL THE WINE YOU CAN DRINK, MAN. I MEAN, I COULD TAKE OVER A

DRINK, MAN. I MEAN, I COULD TAKE OVER A PLANE WITH A PIECE OF LOOSE-LEAF

I MEAN, I COULD TAKE OVER A PLANE WITH A PIECE OF LOOSE-LEAF PAPER, RIGHT?

PLANE WITH A PIECE OF LOOSE-LEAF PAPER, RIGHT? JUST HOLD IT AT THE STEWARDESS'S

PAPER, RIGHT? JUST HOLD IT AT THE STEWARDESS'S NECK AND THREATEN PAPER CUTS!

JUST HOLD IT AT THE STEWARDESS'S NECK AND THREATEN PAPER CUTS! "DO WHAT HE SAYS!

NECK AND THREATEN PAPER CUTS! "DO WHAT HE SAYS! DO WHAT HE SAYS!"

"DO WHAT HE SAYS! DO WHAT HE SAYS!" OH!

DO WHAT HE SAYS!" OH! THERE'S A MOMENT COMING...

OH! THERE'S A MOMENT COMING... THERE'S A MOMENT COMING.

THERE'S A MOMENT COMING... THERE'S A MOMENT COMING. IT'S... IT'S NOT HERE YET.

THERE'S A MOMENT COMING. IT'S... IT'S NOT HERE YET. IT'S ON THE WAY.

IT'S... IT'S NOT HERE YET. IT'S ON THE WAY. IT'S STILL IN THE FUTURE.

IT'S ON THE WAY. IT'S STILL IN THE FUTURE. HERE... HERE IT IS!

IT'S STILL IN THE FUTURE. HERE... HERE IT IS! OH, IT'S GONE, MAN.

HERE... HERE IT IS! OH, IT'S GONE, MAN. THERE'S NO PRESENT.

OH, IT'S GONE, MAN. THERE'S NO PRESENT. EVERYTHING IS THE NEAR FUTURE

THERE'S NO PRESENT. EVERYTHING IS THE NEAR FUTURE AND THE RECENT PAST.

EVERYTHING IS THE NEAR FUTURE AND THE RECENT PAST. NO WONDER WE CAN'T GET ANYTHING

AND THE RECENT PAST. NO WONDER WE CAN'T GET ANYTHING TOGETHER.

NO WONDER WE CAN'T GET ANYTHING TOGETHER. WE'VE GOT NO TIME, MAN.

TOGETHER. WE'VE GOT NO TIME, MAN. WE WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE TO

WE'VE GOT NO TIME, MAN. WE WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE TO YOU JANIS IAN.

WE WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE TO YOU JANIS IAN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU JANIS IAN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [JANIS IAN'S "AT SEVENTEEN"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [JANIS IAN'S "AT SEVENTEEN" PLAYS]

[JANIS IAN'S "AT SEVENTEEN" PLAYS] ♪ I LEARNED THE TRUTH AT

[PLAYS] ♪ I LEARNED THE TRUTH AT SEVENTEEN ♪

♪ I LEARNED THE TRUTH AT SEVENTEEN ♪ ♪ THAT LOVE WAS MEANT FOR BEAUTY

SEVENTEEN ♪ ♪ THAT LOVE WAS MEANT FOR BEAUTY QUEENS ♪

♪ THAT LOVE WAS MEANT FOR BEAUTY QUEENS ♪ ♪ AND HIGH-SCHOOL GIRLS WITH

QUEENS ♪ ♪ AND HIGH-SCHOOL GIRLS WITH CLEAR-SKINNED SMILES ♪

♪ AND HIGH-SCHOOL GIRLS WITH CLEAR-SKINNED SMILES ♪ ♪ WHO MARRIED YOUNG AND THEN

CLEAR-SKINNED SMILES ♪ ♪ WHO MARRIED YOUNG AND THEN RETIRED ♪

♪ WHO MARRIED YOUNG AND THEN RETIRED ♪ ♪ THE VALENTINES I NEVER KNEW ♪

RETIRED ♪ ♪ THE VALENTINES I NEVER KNEW ♪ ♪ THE FRIDAY NIGHT CHARADES OF

♪ THE VALENTINES I NEVER KNEW ♪ ♪ THE FRIDAY NIGHT CHARADES OF YOUTH ♪

♪ THE FRIDAY NIGHT CHARADES OF YOUTH ♪ ♪ WERE SPENT ON ONE MORE

YOUTH ♪ ♪ WERE SPENT ON ONE MORE BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ WERE SPENT ON ONE MORE BEAUTIFUL ♪ ♪ AT SEVENTEEN, I LEARNED THE

BEAUTIFUL ♪ ♪ AT SEVENTEEN, I LEARNED THE TRUTH ♪

♪ AT SEVENTEEN, I LEARNED THE TRUTH ♪ ♪ AND THOSE OF US WITH RAVAGED

TRUTH ♪ ♪ AND THOSE OF US WITH RAVAGED FACES ♪

♪ AND THOSE OF US WITH RAVAGED FACES ♪ ♪ LACKING IN THE SOCIAL GRACES ♪

FACES ♪ ♪ LACKING IN THE SOCIAL GRACES ♪ ♪ DESPERATELY REMAINED AT HOME ♪

♪ LACKING IN THE SOCIAL GRACES ♪ ♪ DESPERATELY REMAINED AT HOME ♪ ♪ INVENTING LOVERS ON THE

♪ DESPERATELY REMAINED AT HOME ♪ ♪ INVENTING LOVERS ON THE PHONE ♪

♪ INVENTING LOVERS ON THE PHONE ♪ ♪ WHO CALLED TO SAY, "COME DANCE

PHONE ♪ ♪ WHO CALLED TO SAY, "COME DANCE WITH ME" ♪

♪ WHO CALLED TO SAY, "COME DANCE WITH ME" ♪ ♪ AND MURMURED VAGUE

WITH ME" ♪ ♪ AND MURMURED VAGUE OBSCENITIES ♪

♪ AND MURMURED VAGUE OBSCENITIES ♪ ♪ IT ISN'T ALL IT SEEMS, AT

OBSCENITIES ♪ ♪ IT ISN'T ALL IT SEEMS, AT SEVENTEEN ♪

♪ IT ISN'T ALL IT SEEMS, AT SEVENTEEN ♪ ♪ A BROWN-EYED GIRL IN

SEVENTEEN ♪ ♪ A BROWN-EYED GIRL IN HAND-ME-DOWNS ♪

♪ A BROWN-EYED GIRL IN HAND-ME-DOWNS ♪ ♪ WHOSE NAME I NEVER COULD

HAND-ME-DOWNS ♪ ♪ WHOSE NAME I NEVER COULD PRONOUNCE ♪

♪ WHOSE NAME I NEVER COULD PRONOUNCE ♪ ♪ SAID, "PITY, PLEASE, THE ONES

PRONOUNCE ♪ ♪ SAID, "PITY, PLEASE, THE ONES WHO SERVE ♪

♪ SAID, "PITY, PLEASE, THE ONES WHO SERVE ♪ ♪ THEY ONLY GET WHAT THEY

WHO SERVE ♪ ♪ THEY ONLY GET WHAT THEY DESERVE" ♪

♪ THEY ONLY GET WHAT THEY DESERVE" ♪ ♪ AND THE RICH-RELATIONED

DESERVE" ♪ ♪ AND THE RICH-RELATIONED HOMETOWN QUEEN ♪

♪ AND THE RICH-RELATIONED HOMETOWN QUEEN ♪ ♪ MARRIES INTO WHAT SHE NEEDS ♪

HOMETOWN QUEEN ♪ ♪ MARRIES INTO WHAT SHE NEEDS ♪ ♪ WITH A GUARANTEE OF COMPANY ♪

♪ MARRIES INTO WHAT SHE NEEDS ♪ ♪ WITH A GUARANTEE OF COMPANY ♪ ♪ AND HAVEN FOR THE ELDERLY ♪

♪ WITH A GUARANTEE OF COMPANY ♪ ♪ AND HAVEN FOR THE ELDERLY ♪ ♪ REMEMBER THOSE WHO WIN THE

♪ AND HAVEN FOR THE ELDERLY ♪ ♪ REMEMBER THOSE WHO WIN THE GAME LOSE THE LOVE THEY SOUGHT

♪ REMEMBER THOSE WHO WIN THE GAME LOSE THE LOVE THEY SOUGHT TO GAIN ♪

GAME LOSE THE LOVE THEY SOUGHT TO GAIN ♪ ♪ IN DEBENTURES OF QUALITY ♪

TO GAIN ♪ ♪ IN DEBENTURES OF QUALITY ♪ ♪ AND DUBIOUS INTEGRITY ♪

♪ IN DEBENTURES OF QUALITY ♪ ♪ AND DUBIOUS INTEGRITY ♪ ♪ THEIR SMALL-TOWN EYES WILL

♪ AND DUBIOUS INTEGRITY ♪ ♪ THEIR SMALL-TOWN EYES WILL GAPE AT YOU IN DULL SURPRISE ♪

♪ THEIR SMALL-TOWN EYES WILL GAPE AT YOU IN DULL SURPRISE ♪ ♪ WHEN PAYMENT DUE EXCEEDS

GAPE AT YOU IN DULL SURPRISE ♪ ♪ WHEN PAYMENT DUE EXCEEDS ACCOUNTS RECEIVED, AT

♪ WHEN PAYMENT DUE EXCEEDS ACCOUNTS RECEIVED, AT SEVENTEEN ♪

♪ TO THOSE OF US WHO KNEW THE PAIN OF VALENTINES THAT NEVER CAME ♪

PAIN OF VALENTINES THAT NEVER CAME ♪ ♪ AND THOSE WHOSE NAMES WERE

CAME ♪ ♪ AND THOSE WHOSE NAMES WERE NEVER CALLED ♪

♪ AND THOSE WHOSE NAMES WERE NEVER CALLED ♪ ♪ WHEN CHOOSING SIDES FOR

NEVER CALLED ♪ ♪ WHEN CHOOSING SIDES FOR BASKETBALL ♪

♪ WHEN CHOOSING SIDES FOR BASKETBALL ♪ ♪ IT WAS LONG AGO AND FAR AWAY ♪

BASKETBALL ♪ ♪ IT WAS LONG AGO AND FAR AWAY ♪ ♪ THE WORLD WAS YOUNGER THAN

♪ IT WAS LONG AGO AND FAR AWAY ♪ ♪ THE WORLD WAS YOUNGER THAN TODAY ♪

♪ THE WORLD WAS YOUNGER THAN TODAY ♪ ♪ WHEN DREAMS WERE ALL THEY GAVE

TODAY ♪ ♪ WHEN DREAMS WERE ALL THEY GAVE FOR FREE ♪

♪ WHEN DREAMS WERE ALL THEY GAVE FOR FREE ♪ ♪ TO UGLY-DUCKLING GIRLS LIKE

FOR FREE ♪ ♪ TO UGLY-DUCKLING GIRLS LIKE ME ♪

♪ TO UGLY-DUCKLING GIRLS LIKE ME ♪ ♪ WE ALL PLAY THE GAME, AND WHEN

ME ♪ ♪ WE ALL PLAY THE GAME, AND WHEN WE DARE TO CHEAT OURSELVES AT

♪ WE ALL PLAY THE GAME, AND WHEN WE DARE TO CHEAT OURSELVES AT SOLITAIRE ♪

WE DARE TO CHEAT OURSELVES AT SOLITAIRE ♪ ♪ INVENTING LOVERS ON THE

SOLITAIRE ♪ ♪ INVENTING LOVERS ON THE PHONE ♪

♪ INVENTING LOVERS ON THE PHONE ♪ ♪ REPENTING OTHER LIVES

PHONE ♪ ♪ REPENTING OTHER LIVES UNKNOWN ♪

♪ REPENTING OTHER LIVES UNKNOWN ♪ ♪ THAT CALL AND SAY, "COME DANCE

UNKNOWN ♪ ♪ THAT CALL AND SAY, "COME DANCE WITH ME" AND MURMUR VAGUE

♪ THAT CALL AND SAY, "COME DANCE WITH ME" AND MURMUR VAGUE OBSCENITIES ♪

WITH ME" AND MURMUR VAGUE OBSCENITIES ♪ ♪ AT UGLY GIRLS LIKE ME, AT

OBSCENITIES ♪ ♪ AT UGLY GIRLS LIKE ME, AT SEVENTEEN ♪

♪ AT UGLY GIRLS LIKE ME, AT SEVENTEEN ♪ [FINALE PLAYS]

SEVENTEEN ♪ [FINALE PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[BOBBY DARIN'S "MACK THE KNIFE" PLAYS] ♪ OH, THE SHARK HAS ♪

[PLAYS] ♪ OH, THE SHARK HAS ♪ ♪ HAS SUCH PRETTY TEETH ♪

♪ OH, THE SHARK HAS ♪ ♪ HAS SUCH PRETTY TEETH ♪ ♪ AND HE SHOWS THEM ♪

♪ HAS SUCH PRETTY TEETH ♪ ♪ AND HE SHOWS THEM ♪ ♪ PEARLY WHITE ♪

♪ AND HE SHOWS THEM ♪ ♪ PEARLY WHITE ♪ HI, I'M PHYLLIS CRAWFORD, AND

♪ PEARLY WHITE ♪ HI, I'M PHYLLIS CRAWFORD, AND WELCOME TO

HI, I'M PHYLLIS CRAWFORD, AND WELCOME TO "VICTIMS OF SHARK BITE."

WELCOME TO "VICTIMS OF SHARK BITE." MY FIRST GUEST...

"VICTIMS OF SHARK BITE." MY FIRST GUEST... MR. MARTIN GRESNER FROM

MY FIRST GUEST... MR. MARTIN GRESNER FROM LONG ISLAND, NEW YORK.

MR. MARTIN GRESNER FROM LONG ISLAND, NEW YORK. MR. GRESNER, WOULD YOU TELL OUR

LONG ISLAND, NEW YORK. MR. GRESNER, WOULD YOU TELL OUR AUDIENCE JUST HOW YOU BECAME A

MR. GRESNER, WOULD YOU TELL OUR AUDIENCE JUST HOW YOU BECAME A VICTIM OF SHARK BITE?

AUDIENCE JUST HOW YOU BECAME A VICTIM OF SHARK BITE? I'D BE HAPPY TO, PHYLLIS.

VICTIM OF SHARK BITE? I'D BE HAPPY TO, PHYLLIS. I WAS SWIMMING ABOUT 50 YARDS

I'D BE HAPPY TO, PHYLLIS. I WAS SWIMMING ABOUT 50 YARDS OFFSHORE FROM MY SUMMER HOME IN

I WAS SWIMMING ABOUT 50 YARDS OFFSHORE FROM MY SUMMER HOME IN MATTATUCK, LONG ISLAND.

OFFSHORE FROM MY SUMMER HOME IN MATTATUCK, LONG ISLAND. IT WAS HIGH TIDE, AND ALL OF A

MATTATUCK, LONG ISLAND. IT WAS HIGH TIDE, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I FELT THIS SHARP,

IT WAS HIGH TIDE, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I FELT THIS SHARP, PIERCING PAIN IN MY LEFT

SUDDEN, I FELT THIS SHARP, PIERCING PAIN IN MY LEFT SHOULDER.

PIERCING PAIN IN MY LEFT SHOULDER. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS AT

SHOULDER. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS AT FIRST.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS AT FIRST. MY LEFT ARM FELT NUMB.

FIRST. MY LEFT ARM FELT NUMB. WELL, MY ARM WAS GONE.

MY LEFT ARM FELT NUMB. WELL, MY ARM WAS GONE. SINCE THEN, I'VE HAD TO LEARN

WELL, MY ARM WAS GONE. SINCE THEN, I'VE HAD TO LEARN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING WITH MY

SINCE THEN, I'VE HAD TO LEARN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING WITH MY RIGHT HAND.

HOW TO DO EVERYTHING WITH MY RIGHT HAND. JUST WHEN DID THIS INCIDENT

RIGHT HAND. JUST WHEN DID THIS INCIDENT TAKE PLACE?

JUST WHEN DID THIS INCIDENT TAKE PLACE? OH, I'D SAY MAYBE...

TAKE PLACE? OH, I'D SAY MAYBE... THREE, FOUR MONTHS AGO.

OH, I'D SAY MAYBE... THREE, FOUR MONTHS AGO. I'VE HAD, UH...

THREE, FOUR MONTHS AGO. I'VE HAD, UH... I'VE LEARNED HOW TO SHAVE WITH

I'VE HAD, UH... I'VE LEARNED HOW TO SHAVE WITH MY RIGHT HAND AND EAT WITH ONE

I'VE LEARNED HOW TO SHAVE WITH MY RIGHT HAND AND EAT WITH ONE HAND...

MY RIGHT HAND AND EAT WITH ONE HAND... EXCUSE ME, MR. GRESNER, BUT

HAND... EXCUSE ME, MR. GRESNER, BUT IT APPEARS TO ME AS THOUGH YOU

EXCUSE ME, MR. GRESNER, BUT IT APPEARS TO ME AS THOUGH YOU DO HAVE A LEFT ARM THERE.

IT APPEARS TO ME AS THOUGH YOU DO HAVE A LEFT ARM THERE. NOPE, IT'S GONE, SEE?

DO HAVE A LEFT ARM THERE. NOPE, IT'S GONE, SEE? SHARK BIT IT OFF.

NOPE, IT'S GONE, SEE? SHARK BIT IT OFF. NOTHING THERE.

SHARK BIT IT OFF. NOTHING THERE. NO, MR. GRESNER, THAT'S YOUR

NOTHING THERE. NO, MR. GRESNER, THAT'S YOUR SLEEVE.

NO, MR. GRESNER, THAT'S YOUR SLEEVE. YOU DO HAVE A LEFT ARM, AND IT

SLEEVE. YOU DO HAVE A LEFT ARM, AND IT LOOKS PERFECTLY NORMAL TO ME.

YOU DO HAVE A LEFT ARM, AND IT LOOKS PERFECTLY NORMAL TO ME. IT DOES, HUH?

LOOKS PERFECTLY NORMAL TO ME. IT DOES, HUH? YES.

IT DOES, HUH? YES. OH, IT WAS MY LEG!

YES. OH, IT WAS MY LEG! MY LEG!

OH, IT WAS MY LEG! MY LEG! HE BIT MY LEG OFF, SEE?

MY LEG! HE BIT MY LEG OFF, SEE? I HAVE TO HOP AROUND ON ONE

HE BIT MY LEG OFF, SEE? I HAVE TO HOP AROUND ON ONE FOOT.

I HAVE TO HOP AROUND ON ONE FOOT. I'M AN INVALID.

FOOT. I'M AN INVALID. NO, MR. GRESNER, YOU DO HAVE

I'M AN INVALID. NO, MR. GRESNER, YOU DO HAVE A LEG THERE.

NO, MR. GRESNER, YOU DO HAVE A LEG THERE. IT'S TUCKED UNDER YOUR OTHER

A LEG THERE. IT'S TUCKED UNDER YOUR OTHER LEG.

IT'S TUCKED UNDER YOUR OTHER LEG. YOU SEE? YOU'RE FINE.

LEG. YOU SEE? YOU'RE FINE. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

YOU SEE? YOU'RE FINE. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. WELL, I SAW THAT MOVIE WHERE

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. WELL, I SAW THAT MOVIE WHERE THAT GUY HAD HIS LEG BIT OFF...

WELL, I SAW THAT MOVIE WHERE THAT GUY HAD HIS LEG BIT OFF... WE'LL BE BACK WITH ANOTHER

THAT GUY HAD HIS LEG BIT OFF... WE'LL BE BACK WITH ANOTHER VICTIM OF SHARK BITE AFTER THIS

WE'LL BE BACK WITH ANOTHER VICTIM OF SHARK BITE AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL MESSAGE.

VICTIM OF SHARK BITE AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL MESSAGE. GOT A SCAR HERE WHEN MY

COMMERCIAL MESSAGE. GOT A SCAR HERE WHEN MY SISTER PUSHED ME OFF A PORCH,

GOT A SCAR HERE WHEN MY SISTER PUSHED ME OFF A PORCH, AND...

SISTER PUSHED ME OFF A PORCH, AND... [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND... [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND, MY

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND, MY BUSINESS PARTNER, MY ADVISOR, MY

THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND, MY BUSINESS PARTNER, MY ADVISOR, MY COMPANION...

BUSINESS PARTNER, MY ADVISOR, MY COMPANION... MY WIFE.

COMPANION... MY WIFE. AND I LOVE HER.

MY WIFE. AND I LOVE HER. SHE'S QUITE A GAL, YOU KNOW?

AND I LOVE HER. SHE'S QUITE A GAL, YOU KNOW? SHE TAKES CARE OF THE HOUSE,

SHE'S QUITE A GAL, YOU KNOW? SHE TAKES CARE OF THE HOUSE, COOKS GREAT MEALS, MAKES STUDDED

SHE TAKES CARE OF THE HOUSE, COOKS GREAT MEALS, MAKES STUDDED LEATHER VESTS AT OUR OWN

COOKS GREAT MEALS, MAKES STUDDED LEATHER VESTS AT OUR OWN BOUTIQUE, AND STILL HAS ENOUGH

LEATHER VESTS AT OUR OWN BOUTIQUE, AND STILL HAS ENOUGH ENERGY TO GIVE ME THE ATTENTION

BOUTIQUE, AND STILL HAS ENOUGH ENERGY TO GIVE ME THE ATTENTION AND AFFECTION I NEED AT THE END

ENERGY TO GIVE ME THE ATTENTION AND AFFECTION I NEED AT THE END OF A LONG DAY.

AND AFFECTION I NEED AT THE END OF A LONG DAY. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT.

OF A LONG DAY. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT. WELL, I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT. WELL, I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I GET PLENTY OF REST, GO TO THE

WELL, I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I GET PLENTY OF REST, GO TO THE "Y," EAT RIGHT.

I GET PLENTY OF REST, GO TO THE "Y," EAT RIGHT. TO MAKE SURE I GET ENOUGH IRON

"Y," EAT RIGHT. TO MAKE SURE I GET ENOUGH IRON AND VITAMINS, I TAKE JAMITOL

TO MAKE SURE I GET ENOUGH IRON AND VITAMINS, I TAKE JAMITOL EVERY DAY.

AND VITAMINS, I TAKE JAMITOL EVERY DAY. MAKES ME TAKE IT, TOO.

EVERY DAY. MAKES ME TAKE IT, TOO. Announcer: JAMITOL.

MAKES ME TAKE IT, TOO. Announcer: JAMITOL. MORE THAN TWICE THE IRON AND

Announcer: JAMITOL. MORE THAN TWICE THE IRON AND HIGH-POTENCY VITAMINS FOUND IN

MORE THAN TWICE THE IRON AND HIGH-POTENCY VITAMINS FOUND IN OTHER SUPPLEMENTS.

HIGH-POTENCY VITAMINS FOUND IN OTHER SUPPLEMENTS. TABLET OR LIQUID.

OTHER SUPPLEMENTS. TABLET OR LIQUID. MY WIFE... SHE'S QUITE A GAL.

TABLET OR LIQUID. MY WIFE... SHE'S QUITE A GAL. AND I LOVE HER FOR IT.

MY WIFE... SHE'S QUITE A GAL. AND I LOVE HER FOR IT. I'M PAUL SIMON, AND I'LL BE

AND I LOVE HER FOR IT. I'M PAUL SIMON, AND I'LL BE HOSTING THE NBC "SATURDAY NIGHT"

I'M PAUL SIMON, AND I'LL BE HOSTING THE NBC "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW NEXT WEEK.

HOSTING THE NBC "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW NEXT WEEK. I'LL BE JOINED BY RANDY NEWMAN,

SHOW NEXT WEEK. I'LL BE JOINED BY RANDY NEWMAN, PHOEBE SNOW, AND MY EX-PARTNER

I'LL BE JOINED BY RANDY NEWMAN, PHOEBE SNOW, AND MY EX-PARTNER ART GARFUNKEL FOR A LITTLE

PHOEBE SNOW, AND MY EX-PARTNER ART GARFUNKEL FOR A LITTLE SIMON & GARFUNKEL REUNION.

ART GARFUNKEL FOR A LITTLE SIMON & GARFUNKEL REUNION. I HOPE YOU'LL WATCH.

SIMON & GARFUNKEL REUNION. I HOPE YOU'LL WATCH. [TICKER TICKING]

I HOPE YOU'LL WATCH. [TICKER TICKING] Announcer: AND NOW

[TICKER TICKING] Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE. GOOD EVENING, I'M

CHEVY CHASE. GOOD EVENING, I'M CHEVY CHASE.

GOOD EVENING, I'M CHEVY CHASE. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

CHEVY CHASE. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... DEDICATION CEREMONIES FOR THE

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... DEDICATION CEREMONIES FOR THE NEW TEAMSTERS UNION HEADQUARTERS

DEDICATION CEREMONIES FOR THE NEW TEAMSTERS UNION HEADQUARTERS BUILDING TOOK PLACE TODAY IN

NEW TEAMSTERS UNION HEADQUARTERS BUILDING TOOK PLACE TODAY IN DETROIT, WHERE UNION PRESIDENT

BUILDING TOOK PLACE TODAY IN DETROIT, WHERE UNION PRESIDENT FITZSIMMONS IS REPORTED TO HAVE

DETROIT, WHERE UNION PRESIDENT FITZSIMMONS IS REPORTED TO HAVE SAID THAT FORMER PRESIDENT

FITZSIMMONS IS REPORTED TO HAVE SAID THAT FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY HOFFA WILL ALWAYS BE A

SAID THAT FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY HOFFA WILL ALWAYS BE A CORNERSTONE IN THE ORGANIZATION.

JIMMY HOFFA WILL ALWAYS BE A CORNERSTONE IN THE ORGANIZATION. NOW WORLD LEADERS IN THE NEWS.

CORNERSTONE IN THE ORGANIZATION. NOW WORLD LEADERS IN THE NEWS. JAPAN EMPEROR HIROHITO MET

NOW WORLD LEADERS IN THE NEWS. JAPAN EMPEROR HIROHITO MET MICKEY MOUSE AT DISNEYLAND THIS

JAPAN EMPEROR HIROHITO MET MICKEY MOUSE AT DISNEYLAND THIS WEEK.

MICKEY MOUSE AT DISNEYLAND THIS WEEK. THE EMPEROR PRESENTED MICKEY

WEEK. THE EMPEROR PRESENTED MICKEY WITH A HIROHITO WRISTWATCH.

THE EMPEROR PRESENTED MICKEY WITH A HIROHITO WRISTWATCH. DATELINE WASHINGTON... AT A

WITH A HIROHITO WRISTWATCH. DATELINE WASHINGTON... AT A PRESS CONFERENCE THURSDAY NIGHT,

DATELINE WASHINGTON... AT A PRESS CONFERENCE THURSDAY NIGHT, PRESIDENT FORD BLEW HIS NOSE.

PRESS CONFERENCE THURSDAY NIGHT, PRESIDENT FORD BLEW HIS NOSE. ALERT SECRET SERVICE AGENTS

PRESIDENT FORD BLEW HIS NOSE. ALERT SECRET SERVICE AGENTS SEIZED HIS HANDKERCHIEF AND

ALERT SECRET SERVICE AGENTS SEIZED HIS HANDKERCHIEF AND WRESTLED IT TO THE GROUND.

SEIZED HIS HANDKERCHIEF AND WRESTLED IT TO THE GROUND. AND YESTERDAY IN WASHINGTON,

WRESTLED IT TO THE GROUND. AND YESTERDAY IN WASHINGTON, PRESIDENT FORD BUMPED HIS HEAD

AND YESTERDAY IN WASHINGTON, PRESIDENT FORD BUMPED HIS HEAD THREE TIMES GETTING INTO HIS

PRESIDENT FORD BUMPED HIS HEAD THREE TIMES GETTING INTO HIS HELICOPTER.

THREE TIMES GETTING INTO HIS HELICOPTER. THE CIA IMMEDIATELY DENIED

HELICOPTER. THE CIA IMMEDIATELY DENIED REPORTS THAT IT HAD DELIBERATELY

THE CIA IMMEDIATELY DENIED REPORTS THAT IT HAD DELIBERATELY LOWERED THE TOP OF THE DOORWAY.

REPORTS THAT IT HAD DELIBERATELY LOWERED THE TOP OF THE DOORWAY. MR. FORD WAS ON THE CAMPAIGN

LOWERED THE TOP OF THE DOORWAY. MR. FORD WAS ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, ANNOUNCING IN DETROIT

MR. FORD WAS ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, ANNOUNCING IN DETROIT THAT HE HAS WRITTEN HIS OWN

TRAIL, ANNOUNCING IN DETROIT THAT HE HAS WRITTEN HIS OWN CAMPAIGN SLOGAN.

THAT HE HAS WRITTEN HIS OWN CAMPAIGN SLOGAN. THE SLOGAN?

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN. THE SLOGAN? "IF HE'S SO DUMB, HOW COME HE'S

THE SLOGAN? "IF HE'S SO DUMB, HOW COME HE'S PRESIDENT?"

"IF HE'S SO DUMB, HOW COME HE'S PRESIDENT?" THE POST OFFICE ANNOUNCED

PRESIDENT?" THE POST OFFICE ANNOUNCED TODAY...

THE POST OFFICE ANNOUNCED TODAY... JUST A SECOND.

TODAY... JUST A SECOND. I LOST MY PLACE.

JUST A SECOND. I LOST MY PLACE. OH, THE POST OFFICE ANNOUNCED

I LOST MY PLACE. OH, THE POST OFFICE ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT IT IS GOING TO ISSUE

OH, THE POST OFFICE ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT IT IS GOING TO ISSUE A STAMP COMMEMORATING

TODAY THAT IT IS GOING TO ISSUE A STAMP COMMEMORATING PROSTITUTION IN THE

A STAMP COMMEMORATING PROSTITUTION IN THE UNITED STATES.

PROSTITUTION IN THE UNITED STATES. IT'S A 10-CENT STAMP, BUT IF YOU

UNITED STATES. IT'S A 10-CENT STAMP, BUT IF YOU WANT TO LICK IT, IT'S A QUARTER.

MURDER AT THE BLAINE HOTEL AGAIN. FOR A LIVE REPORT, LET'S GO TO

AGAIN. FOR A LIVE REPORT, LET'S GO TO LARAINE NEWMAN IN MIDTOWN

FOR A LIVE REPORT, LET'S GO TO LARAINE NEWMAN IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN AT THE BLAINE HOTEL.

LARAINE NEWMAN IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN AT THE BLAINE HOTEL. LARAINE?

MANHATTAN AT THE BLAINE HOTEL. LARAINE? CHEVY, I'M STANDING OUTSIDE A

LARAINE? CHEVY, I'M STANDING OUTSIDE A ROOM ON THE 15th FLOOR OF THE

CHEVY, I'M STANDING OUTSIDE A ROOM ON THE 15th FLOOR OF THE BLAINE HOTEL, WHERE NUMBER 38 IN

ROOM ON THE 15th FLOOR OF THE BLAINE HOTEL, WHERE NUMBER 38 IN A SERIES OF GRISLY AND BIZARRE

BLAINE HOTEL, WHERE NUMBER 38 IN A SERIES OF GRISLY AND BIZARRE MURDERS HAS OCCURRED JUST OVER

A SERIES OF GRISLY AND BIZARRE MURDERS HAS OCCURRED JUST OVER AN HOUR AGO.

THE MOTIVE, AGAIN... MURDER, AS

IT HAS BEEN IN THE PREVIOUS 37

SLASHINGS.

IN A FIT OF PIQUE, THE MAYOR HAS

CALLED THE BLAINE HOTEL A

POCKMARK ON THE NECK OF MIDTOWN

MANHATTAN.

ONCE AGAIN, GRISLY DEATH AND MURDER IN THE BLAINE HOTEL. LARAINE NEWMAN REPORTING.

MURDER IN THE BLAINE HOTEL. LARAINE NEWMAN REPORTING. STILL TO COME... EARTHQUAKE

LARAINE NEWMAN REPORTING. STILL TO COME... EARTHQUAKE CLAIMS SAN DIEGO, 4 MILLION DIE

STILL TO COME... EARTHQUAKE CLAIMS SAN DIEGO, 4 MILLION DIE IN TURKEY, AND ARLENE VISITS AN

CLAIMS SAN DIEGO, 4 MILLION DIE IN TURKEY, AND ARLENE VISITS AN ART MUSEUM.

IN TURKEY, AND ARLENE VISITS AN ART MUSEUM. Announcer: ARTHRITIS IN THE

ART MUSEUM. Announcer: ARTHRITIS IN THE ADULT IS PAINFUL, LONELY, AND

Announcer: ARTHRITIS IN THE ADULT IS PAINFUL, LONELY, AND SOMETIMES DIFFICULT TO MANAGE.

ADULT IS PAINFUL, LONELY, AND SOMETIMES DIFFICULT TO MANAGE. ARTHRITIS IS PARTICULARLY

SOMETIMES DIFFICULT TO MANAGE. ARTHRITIS IS PARTICULARLY ANNOYING WHEN COUPLED WITH

ARTHRITIS IS PARTICULARLY ANNOYING WHEN COUPLED WITH NEURALGIA AND SEVERE MUSCULAR

ANNOYING WHEN COUPLED WITH NEURALGIA AND SEVERE MUSCULAR TENSION.

NEURALGIA AND SEVERE MUSCULAR TENSION. ABRUPT WEATHER CHANGES CAN ADD

TENSION. ABRUPT WEATHER CHANGES CAN ADD DISCOMFORT.

ABRUPT WEATHER CHANGES CAN ADD DISCOMFORT. INFLAMED TISSUES CAN CAUSE LOCAL

DISCOMFORT. INFLAMED TISSUES CAN CAUSE LOCAL SWELLING, CALLING FOR SPECIAL

INFLAMED TISSUES CAN CAUSE LOCAL SWELLING, CALLING FOR SPECIAL RELIEF.

SWELLING, CALLING FOR SPECIAL RELIEF. [DING!]

RELIEF. [DING!] TRIOPENIN, A COMPOUND OF

[DING!] TRIOPENIN, A COMPOUND OF POWERFUL ANTIARTHRITIC SPANSULES

TRIOPENIN, A COMPOUND OF POWERFUL ANTIARTHRITIC SPANSULES AND ANTIHISTAMINES, SPEEDS

POWERFUL ANTIARTHRITIC SPANSULES AND ANTIHISTAMINES, SPEEDS SOOTHING RELIEF WHERE NEEDED.

AND ANTIHISTAMINES, SPEEDS SOOTHING RELIEF WHERE NEEDED. TRIOPENIN IS GENTLE,

SOOTHING RELIEF WHERE NEEDED. TRIOPENIN IS GENTLE, NON-HABIT-FORMING, AIDS IN

TRIOPENIN IS GENTLE, NON-HABIT-FORMING, AIDS IN SOOTHING MUSCLES AND LIBERATING

NON-HABIT-FORMING, AIDS IN SOOTHING MUSCLES AND LIBERATING STIFF, PAINFUL JOINTS.

SOOTHING MUSCLES AND LIBERATING STIFF, PAINFUL JOINTS. SOON, YOU'RE HANDLING LIFE

STIFF, PAINFUL JOINTS. SOON, YOU'RE HANDLING LIFE AGAIN, FEELING BETTER, AND

SOON, YOU'RE HANDLING LIFE AGAIN, FEELING BETTER, AND GETTING A FIRM GRASP ON THE

AGAIN, FEELING BETTER, AND GETTING A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION.

TRIOPENIN... GET YOUR HANDS

WORKING AGAIN.

NOW WITH A NEW CHILDPROOF SAFETY

CAP.

[DING!]

Announcer: GUESTS ON NBC's "SATURDAY NIGHT" STAY AT THE FABULOUS BLAINE HOTEL IN MIDTOWN

"SATURDAY NIGHT" STAY AT THE FABULOUS BLAINE HOTEL IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN.

FABULOUS BLAINE HOTEL IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN. THE BLAINE... A TRADITION FOR

MANHATTAN. THE BLAINE... A TRADITION FOR MORE THAN HALF A CENTURY.

THE BLAINE... A TRADITION FOR MORE THAN HALF A CENTURY. OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT

MORE THAN HALF A CENTURY. OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS THE BIRTH OF A BABY

OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS THE BIRTH OF A BABY SANDPIPER AT THE WASHINGTON ZOO.

CONCERNS THE BIRTH OF A BABY SANDPIPER AT THE WASHINGTON ZOO. IT'S THE FIRST SUCH BIRTH IN

SANDPIPER AT THE WASHINGTON ZOO. IT'S THE FIRST SUCH BIRTH IN CAPTIVITY ON RECORD.

IT'S THE FIRST SUCH BIRTH IN CAPTIVITY ON RECORD. THE BABY CHICK MADE ITS DEBUT AT

CAPTIVITY ON RECORD. THE BABY CHICK MADE ITS DEBUT AT 9:18 THIS MORNING, WEIGHING IN

THE BABY CHICK MADE ITS DEBUT AT 9:18 THIS MORNING, WEIGHING IN AT JUST UNDER 14 GRAMS AND,

9:18 THIS MORNING, WEIGHING IN AT JUST UNDER 14 GRAMS AND, ACCORDING TO ZOO OFFICIALS,

AT JUST UNDER 14 GRAMS AND, ACCORDING TO ZOO OFFICIALS, RESEMBLED ITS MOTHER QUITE

ACCORDING TO ZOO OFFICIALS, RESEMBLED ITS MOTHER QUITE CLOSELY.

RESEMBLED ITS MOTHER QUITE CLOSELY. AND THE NAME GIVEN OUR FUZZY

CLOSELY. AND THE NAME GIVEN OUR FUZZY LITTLE FRIEND?

AND THE NAME GIVEN OUR FUZZY LITTLE FRIEND? SIMPLY "PIP."

LITTLE FRIEND? SIMPLY "PIP." ONE HUMOROUS NOTE... THE BIRD

SIMPLY "PIP." ONE HUMOROUS NOTE... THE BIRD WAS STEPPED ON AND CRUSHED TO

ONE HUMOROUS NOTE... THE BIRD WAS STEPPED ON AND CRUSHED TO DEATH THIS AFTERNOON BY GOGGLES,

WAS STEPPED ON AND CRUSHED TO DEATH THIS AFTERNOON BY GOGGLES, THE BABY HIPPO BORN IN CAPTIVITY

DEATH THIS AFTERNOON BY GOGGLES, THE BABY HIPPO BORN IN CAPTIVITY LAST WEDNESDAY.

THE BABY HIPPO BORN IN CAPTIVITY LAST WEDNESDAY. WELL, THAT'S NEWS THIS EVENING.

LAST WEDNESDAY. WELL, THAT'S NEWS THIS EVENING. THIS IS CHEVY CHASE.

WELL, THAT'S NEWS THIS EVENING. THIS IS CHEVY CHASE. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THIS IS CHEVY CHASE. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

TOMORROW. [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] Announcer: COME WITH US NOW

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] Announcer: COME WITH US NOW FROM THE BUBBLING CARCASS TO THE

Announcer: COME WITH US NOW FROM THE BUBBLING CARCASS TO THE SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM THE

FROM THE BUBBLING CARCASS TO THE SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM THE ROTTING FOREST TO THE STAGNANT

SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM THE ROTTING FOREST TO THE STAGNANT MUD FLATS.

ROTTING FOREST TO THE STAGNANT MUD FLATS. FROM THE BUBBLING TAR PITS TO

MUD FLATS. FROM THE BUBBLING TAR PITS TO THE SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM

FROM THE BUBBLING TAR PITS TO THE SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM THE ROTTING FORESTS TO THE

THE SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM THE ROTTING FORESTS TO THE STAGNANT MUD FLATS, THIS LAND

THE ROTTING FORESTS TO THE STAGNANT MUD FLATS, THIS LAND WAS MADE FOR ME AND ME ONLY,

STAGNANT MUD FLATS, THIS LAND WAS MADE FOR ME AND ME ONLY, SINCE I AM PLOOBIS, KING OF ALL

WAS MADE FOR ME AND ME ONLY, SINCE I AM PLOOBIS, KING OF ALL I SURVEY.

SINCE I AM PLOOBIS, KING OF ALL I SURVEY. HMM. OH.

I SURVEY. HMM. OH. SCRED?! SCRED!

HMM. OH. SCRED?! SCRED! YES, OH, HIGH SUPREME

SCRED?! SCRED! YES, OH, HIGH SUPREME MUCKY-MUCK, SIR?

YES, OH, HIGH SUPREME MUCKY-MUCK, SIR? SCRED, I'M HUNGRY.

MUCKY-MUCK, SIR? SCRED, I'M HUNGRY. OH. WHAT WOULD PLEASE

SCRED, I'M HUNGRY. OH. WHAT WOULD PLEASE YOUR FLATULENCE?

OH. WHAT WOULD PLEASE YOUR FLATULENCE? [CHOKING]

YOUR FLATULENCE? [CHOKING] FOOD! SEE, I'M HUNGRY, AND

[CHOKING] FOOD! SEE, I'M HUNGRY, AND WHEN I'M HUNGRY, I GET A

FOOD! SEE, I'M HUNGRY, AND WHEN I'M HUNGRY, I GET A HEADACHE.

WHEN I'M HUNGRY, I GET A HEADACHE. AND WHEN I GET A HEADACHE, I

HEADACHE. AND WHEN I GET A HEADACHE, I GET, UH...

AND WHEN I GET A HEADACHE, I GET, UH... FURIOUS?

GET, UH... FURIOUS? NO!

FURIOUS? NO! UH, ANGRY?

NO! UH, ANGRY? NO!

UH, ANGRY? NO! CRANKY?

NO! CRANKY? NO!

CRANKY? NO! PEEVISH?

NO! PEEVISH? NO!

PEEVISH? NO! IRKED?

NO! IRKED? NO!

IRKED? NO! MILDLY ANNOYED?

NO! MILDLY ANNOYED? THAT'S IT!

MILDLY ANNOYED? THAT'S IT! OH, THANK YOU, SIRE.

THAT'S IT! OH, THANK YOU, SIRE. I GET MILDLY ANNOYED WHEN I

OH, THANK YOU, SIRE. I GET MILDLY ANNOYED WHEN I DON'T HAVE FOOD.

I GET MILDLY ANNOYED WHEN I DON'T HAVE FOOD. I'LL SEE TO IT IMMEDIATELY,

DON'T HAVE FOOD. I'LL SEE TO IT IMMEDIATELY, YOUR GROSSNESS.

I'LL SEE TO IT IMMEDIATELY, YOUR GROSSNESS. HMM.

YOUR GROSSNESS. HMM. WELL, THIS IS SOMETHING THAT

HMM. WELL, THIS IS SOMETHING THAT PEUTA SHOULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF.

WELL, THIS IS SOMETHING THAT PEUTA SHOULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF. I HEARD THAT!

PEUTA SHOULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF. I HEARD THAT! I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT

I HEARD THAT! I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR FOOD, ESPECIALLY IN MY

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR FOOD, ESPECIALLY IN MY CONDITION.

YOUR FOOD, ESPECIALLY IN MY CONDITION. HMM. [SNORTS]

CONDITION. HMM. [SNORTS] I SAID, "ESPECIALLY IN MY

HMM. [SNORTS] I SAID, "ESPECIALLY IN MY CONDITION."

I SAID, "ESPECIALLY IN MY CONDITION." ESPECIALLY IN YOUR CONDITION.

CONDITION." ESPECIALLY IN YOUR CONDITION. YES.

ESPECIALLY IN YOUR CONDITION. YES. WELL, AND WHAT DO YOU EXPECT

YES. WELL, AND WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?

WELL, AND WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO ABOUT IT? YOU'RE TOO OLD TO MOLT.

ME TO DO ABOUT IT? YOU'RE TOO OLD TO MOLT. AAH! OH, PLOOBIS, I DON'T

YOU'RE TOO OLD TO MOLT. AAH! OH, PLOOBIS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS.

AAH! OH, PLOOBIS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS. I'M JUST NOT IN THE SWING OF

KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS. I'M JUST NOT IN THE SWING OF THINGS.

I'M JUST NOT IN THE SWING OF THINGS. I... YOU SEE... I'M HAVING

THINGS. I... YOU SEE... I'M HAVING TREMENDOUS DIFFICULTY RELEASING

I... YOU SEE... I'M HAVING TREMENDOUS DIFFICULTY RELEASING MY DARTS.

TREMENDOUS DIFFICULTY RELEASING MY DARTS. RELEASING YOUR DARTS? UGH.

MY DARTS. RELEASING YOUR DARTS? UGH. WHAT... WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT

RELEASING YOUR DARTS? UGH. WHAT... WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT THAT?

WHAT... WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT THAT? WELL, GO TO THE MIGHTY FAVOG.

THAT? WELL, GO TO THE MIGHTY FAVOG. HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN

WELL, GO TO THE MIGHTY FAVOG. HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN RELIEVE MY PAIN.

HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN RELIEVE MY PAIN. MM-HMM.

RELIEVE MY PAIN. MM-HMM. YOUR PAIN IS MY PAIN, MY DEAR.

MM-HMM. YOUR PAIN IS MY PAIN, MY DEAR. [CHUCKLES]

YOUR PAIN IS MY PAIN, MY DEAR. [CHUCKLES] WELL, I'M GOING TO LIE DOWN NOW.

[CHUCKLES] WELL, I'M GOING TO LIE DOWN NOW. PERHAPS THE DARTS WILL LOOSEN.

WELL, I'M GOING TO LIE DOWN NOW. PERHAPS THE DARTS WILL LOOSEN. AH.

PERHAPS THE DARTS WILL LOOSEN. AH. UH, WOULD IT HELP IF I

AH. UH, WOULD IT HELP IF I MASSAGED YOUR MOOGIES?

UH, WOULD IT HELP IF I MASSAGED YOUR MOOGIES? OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

MASSAGED YOUR MOOGIES? OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! ONLY JOKING, ONLY KIDDING,

OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! ONLY JOKING, ONLY KIDDING, YOUR MAJESTY!

ONLY JOKING, ONLY KIDDING, YOUR MAJESTY! DON'T SAY THAT IF YOU DON'T

YOUR MAJESTY! DON'T SAY THAT IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT.

DON'T SAY THAT IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT. YES, SIRE.

MEAN IT. YES, SIRE. AH, THERE WE ARE.

YES, SIRE. AH, THERE WE ARE. WELL, HERE'S YOUR FOOD,

AH, THERE WE ARE. WELL, HERE'S YOUR FOOD, PLOOBIS.

WELL, HERE'S YOUR FOOD, PLOOBIS. WELL, THANK YOU, VAZH.

PLOOBIS. WELL, THANK YOU, VAZH. OH, WHAT YOU GOT HERE?

WELL, THANK YOU, VAZH. OH, WHAT YOU GOT HERE? OKAY.

OH, WHAT YOU GOT HERE? OKAY. LET GO OF IT, WOULD YOU?

OKAY. LET GO OF IT, WOULD YOU? MM-MMM!

LET GO OF IT, WOULD YOU? MM-MMM! [SMACKING LIPS]

MM-MMM! [SMACKING LIPS] AH, MM-MMM!

[SMACKING LIPS] AH, MM-MMM! WELL, IT TASTES LIKE BOILED

AH, MM-MMM! WELL, IT TASTES LIKE BOILED KLEENEX.

WELL, IT TASTES LIKE BOILED KLEENEX. MM-MMM.

KLEENEX. MM-MMM. THIS TASTES FAMILIAR.

MM-MMM. THIS TASTES FAMILIAR. IS THIS ANYBODY I KNOW?

THIS TASTES FAMILIAR. IS THIS ANYBODY I KNOW? WILL YOU WANT DESSERT,

IS THIS ANYBODY I KNOW? WILL YOU WANT DESSERT, PLOOBIS?

WILL YOU WANT DESSERT, PLOOBIS? UH...

PLOOBIS? UH... WHAT I WANT, ANGEL BUNS, IS NOT

UH... WHAT I WANT, ANGEL BUNS, IS NOT ON THE MENU.

WHAT I WANT, ANGEL BUNS, IS NOT ON THE MENU. COME HERE, YOU.

ON THE MENU. COME HERE, YOU. MMM, YEAH. OH, SWEETHEART.

COME HERE, YOU. MMM, YEAH. OH, SWEETHEART. MM-MMM.

MMM, YEAH. OH, SWEETHEART. MM-MMM. PLOOBIS!

MM-MMM. PLOOBIS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

PLOOBIS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! UH, WELL, UH...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! UH, WELL, UH... [THUD]

UH, WELL, UH... [THUD] EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

[THUD] EXCUSE ME, MA'AM. UH. I WAS JUST ON MY WAY TO

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM. UH. I WAS JUST ON MY WAY TO THE MIGHTY FAVOG, YOU SEE.

UH. I WAS JUST ON MY WAY TO THE MIGHTY FAVOG, YOU SEE. [GONG BANGS]

THE MIGHTY FAVOG, YOU SEE. [GONG BANGS] THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG.

[GONG BANGS] THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. HOW MANY IN YOUR PARTY?

THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. HOW MANY IN YOUR PARTY? UH... UH... ONE...

HOW MANY IN YOUR PARTY? UH... UH... ONE... ME AND SCRED.

UH... UH... ONE... ME AND SCRED. TALK TO ME.

ME AND SCRED. TALK TO ME. OH, MIGHTY FAVOG, I GOT A

TALK TO ME. OH, MIGHTY FAVOG, I GOT A PROBLEM.

OH, MIGHTY FAVOG, I GOT A PROBLEM. BUSINESS, SPORTS, OR

PROBLEM. BUSINESS, SPORTS, OR PERSONAL?

BUSINESS, SPORTS, OR PERSONAL? UH... SCRED?

PERSONAL? UH... SCRED? MEDICAL, YOUR GROSSNESS.

UH... SCRED? MEDICAL, YOUR GROSSNESS. MMM.

MEDICAL, YOUR GROSSNESS. MMM. OH, MIGHTY FAVOG, IT'S MEDICAL.

MMM. OH, MIGHTY FAVOG, IT'S MEDICAL. MEDICAL.

OH, MIGHTY FAVOG, IT'S MEDICAL. MEDICAL. MMM.

MEDICAL. MMM. IT'S GONNA COST YOU...

MMM. IT'S GONNA COST YOU... THREE CHICKENS, TWO SWANS, AND A

IT'S GONNA COST YOU... THREE CHICKENS, TWO SWANS, AND A DUCK.

THREE CHICKENS, TWO SWANS, AND A DUCK. HOLY GUACAMOLE.

DUCK. HOLY GUACAMOLE. WHAT YOU GOT ON YOU, SCRED?

HOLY GUACAMOLE. WHAT YOU GOT ON YOU, SCRED? JUST TWO CHICKENS, BUT THAT'S

WHAT YOU GOT ON YOU, SCRED? JUST TWO CHICKENS, BUT THAT'S CARFARE HOME.

JUST TWO CHICKENS, BUT THAT'S CARFARE HOME. OH, FAVOG, I OFFER YOU TWO

CARFARE HOME. OH, FAVOG, I OFFER YOU TWO CHICKENS... IT'S ALL I GOT.

OH, FAVOG, I OFFER YOU TWO CHICKENS... IT'S ALL I GOT. [SNIFFLES]

CHICKENS... IT'S ALL I GOT. [SNIFFLES] BUSINESS IS SLOW.

[SNIFFLES] BUSINESS IS SLOW. I'LL TAKE 'EM.

BUSINESS IS SLOW. I'LL TAKE 'EM. PAY HIM THE CHICKENS.

I'LL TAKE 'EM. PAY HIM THE CHICKENS. OH, OKAY, BUT, PHOOEY,

PAY HIM THE CHICKENS. OH, OKAY, BUT, PHOOEY, ANYWAY.

OH, OKAY, BUT, PHOOEY, ANYWAY. ARE YOU READY?

ANYWAY. ARE YOU READY? LAY 'EM ON YOUR GOD.

ARE YOU READY? LAY 'EM ON YOUR GOD. HERE THEY COME.

LAY 'EM ON YOUR GOD. HERE THEY COME. [LIQUID SPLASHES]

HERE THEY COME. [LIQUID SPLASHES] [FLUSHING]

[LIQUID SPLASHES] [FLUSHING] [BELCHES]

[FLUSHING] [BELCHES] [RUMBLING]

[BELCHES] [RUMBLING] ALL RIGHT.

[RUMBLING] ALL RIGHT. STATE YOUR PROBLEM.

ALL RIGHT. STATE YOUR PROBLEM. OH, FAVOG, MY CHARMING WIFE,

STATE YOUR PROBLEM. OH, FAVOG, MY CHARMING WIFE, PEUTA, CAN'T RELEASE HER DARTS.

OH, FAVOG, MY CHARMING WIFE, PEUTA, CAN'T RELEASE HER DARTS. HMM. ALL RIGHT.

PEUTA, CAN'T RELEASE HER DARTS. HMM. ALL RIGHT. YOU READY?

HMM. ALL RIGHT. YOU READY? Both: WE ARE READY, OH,

YOU READY? Both: WE ARE READY, OH, MIGHTY FAVOG!

Both: WE ARE READY, OH, MIGHTY FAVOG! [THUNDER RUMBLES]

MIGHTY FAVOG! [THUNDER RUMBLES] HERE IS THE ANSWER!

[THUNDER RUMBLES] HERE IS THE ANSWER! YEAH?

HERE IS THE ANSWER! YEAH? CHEER UP.

YEAH? CHEER UP. THINGS COULD BE WORSE.

CHEER UP. THINGS COULD BE WORSE. [GONG BANGS]

THINGS COULD BE WORSE. [GONG BANGS] FOR THAT, I PAID TWO

[GONG BANGS] FOR THAT, I PAID TWO CHICKENS?

FOR THAT, I PAID TWO CHICKENS? LIKE I SAID... CHEER UP.

CHICKENS? LIKE I SAID... CHEER UP. THINGS COULD BE WORSE.

LIKE I SAID... CHEER UP. THINGS COULD BE WORSE. YOU COULD HAVE PAID FOUR

THINGS COULD BE WORSE. YOU COULD HAVE PAID FOUR CHICKENS.

YOU COULD HAVE PAID FOUR CHICKENS. NEXT!

CHICKENS. NEXT! WELL, YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.

NEXT! WELL, YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT. YEAH, BUT...

WELL, YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT. YEAH, BUT... I'M HERE EVERY DAY.

YEAH, BUT... I'M HERE EVERY DAY. TELL YOUR FRIENDS.

I'M HERE EVERY DAY. TELL YOUR FRIENDS. [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[BAND PLAYS]

DID YOU EVER DIAL THE PHONE AND FORGET WHO YOU'RE CALLING? [LAUGHTER]

AND FORGET WHO YOU'RE CALLING? [LAUGHTER] DON'T YOU FEEL DUMB?

[LAUGHTER] DON'T YOU FEEL DUMB? YOU DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO HANG

DON'T YOU FEEL DUMB? YOU DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO HANG ON AND HOPE YOU RECOGNIZE THE

YOU DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO HANG ON AND HOPE YOU RECOGNIZE THE VOICE OR NOT.

ON AND HOPE YOU RECOGNIZE THE VOICE OR NOT. THEN, WHEN YOU REMEMBER WHO IT

VOICE OR NOT. THEN, WHEN YOU REMEMBER WHO IT WAS, YOU HAVE TO CALL BACK, SO

THEN, WHEN YOU REMEMBER WHO IT WAS, YOU HAVE TO CALL BACK, SO YOU CHANGE YOUR VOICE SO THEY

WAS, YOU HAVE TO CALL BACK, SO YOU CHANGE YOUR VOICE SO THEY DON'T THINK YOU'RE A MORON,

YOU CHANGE YOUR VOICE SO THEY DON'T THINK YOU'RE A MORON, RIGHT?

DON'T THINK YOU'RE A MORON, RIGHT? [LAUGHTER]

RIGHT? [LAUGHTER] DID YOU EVER LOOK AT YOURSELF IN

[LAUGHTER] DID YOU EVER LOOK AT YOURSELF IN STORE WINDOWS WHEN YOU'RE

DID YOU EVER LOOK AT YOURSELF IN STORE WINDOWS WHEN YOU'RE WALKING PAST THE STORES?

STORE WINDOWS WHEN YOU'RE WALKING PAST THE STORES? "HEY, I LOOK COOL IN THE STORE

WALKING PAST THE STORES? "HEY, I LOOK COOL IN THE STORE WINDOW, MAN!"

"HEY, I LOOK COOL IN THE STORE WINDOW, MAN!" [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

WINDOW, MAN!" [SCATTERED LAUGHTER] HAVE I DONE THESE JOKES BEFORE

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER] HAVE I DONE THESE JOKES BEFORE TONIGHT?

HAVE I DONE THESE JOKES BEFORE TONIGHT? [LAUGHTER]

TONIGHT? [LAUGHTER] PLEASE, TELL ME.

[LAUGHTER] PLEASE, TELL ME. WHY IS THERE NO BLUE FOOD?

PLEASE, TELL ME. WHY IS THERE NO BLUE FOOD? I CAN'T FIND BLUE FOOD.

WHY IS THERE NO BLUE FOOD? I CAN'T FIND BLUE FOOD. I CAN'T FIND THE FLAVOR OF BLUE.

I CAN'T FIND BLUE FOOD. I CAN'T FIND THE FLAVOR OF BLUE. I MEAN, GREEN IS LIME.

I CAN'T FIND THE FLAVOR OF BLUE. I MEAN, GREEN IS LIME. YELLOW IS LEMON.

I MEAN, GREEN IS LIME. YELLOW IS LEMON. ORANGE IS ORANGE.

YELLOW IS LEMON. ORANGE IS ORANGE. RED IS CHERRY.

ORANGE IS ORANGE. RED IS CHERRY. WHAT'S BLUE? THERE'S NO BLUE!

RED IS CHERRY. WHAT'S BLUE? THERE'S NO BLUE! OH, THEY SAY, "BLUEBERRIES!"

WHAT'S BLUE? THERE'S NO BLUE! OH, THEY SAY, "BLUEBERRIES!" UNH-UNH. BLUE ON THE VINE...

OH, THEY SAY, "BLUEBERRIES!" UNH-UNH. BLUE ON THE VINE... PURPLE ON THE PLATE.

UNH-UNH. BLUE ON THE VINE... PURPLE ON THE PLATE. THERE'S NO BLUE FOOD, MAN.

PURPLE ON THE PLATE. THERE'S NO BLUE FOOD, MAN. [LAUGHTER]

THERE'S NO BLUE FOOD, MAN. [LAUGHTER] WHERE IS THE BLUE FOOD?

[LAUGHTER] WHERE IS THE BLUE FOOD? WE WANT THE BLUE FOOD!

WHERE IS THE BLUE FOOD? WE WANT THE BLUE FOOD! PROBABLY, IT RESTORES

WE WANT THE BLUE FOOD! PROBABLY, IT RESTORES IMMORTALITY.

PROBABLY, IT RESTORES IMMORTALITY. THEY'RE KEEPING IT FROM US.

IMMORTALITY. THEY'RE KEEPING IT FROM US. "CAN I HAVE THE BLUE FOOD,

THEY'RE KEEPING IT FROM US. "CAN I HAVE THE BLUE FOOD, PLEASE?"

"CAN I HAVE THE BLUE FOOD, PLEASE?" I'LL TAKE MY VITAMIN.

PLEASE?" I'LL TAKE MY VITAMIN. DO YOU TAKE VITAMINS?

I'LL TAKE MY VITAMIN. DO YOU TAKE VITAMINS? DID YOU EVER TRAVEL WITH

DO YOU TAKE VITAMINS? DID YOU EVER TRAVEL WITH VITAMINS?

DID YOU EVER TRAVEL WITH VITAMINS? [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

VITAMINS? [SCATTERED LAUGHTER] OH, WELL, I MEAN, IF YOU TAKE A

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER] OH, WELL, I MEAN, IF YOU TAKE A LOT OF VITAMINS AND THEY'RE NOT

OH, WELL, I MEAN, IF YOU TAKE A LOT OF VITAMINS AND THEY'RE NOT THE KIND THAT SAYS,

LOT OF VITAMINS AND THEY'RE NOT THE KIND THAT SAYS, "JOE'S VITAMIN" ON THE SIDE BUT

THE KIND THAT SAYS, "JOE'S VITAMIN" ON THE SIDE BUT PLAIN-LOOKING VITAMINS... AND

"JOE'S VITAMIN" ON THE SIDE BUT PLAIN-LOOKING VITAMINS... AND YOU HAVE A WHOLE LOT, AND YOU

PLAIN-LOOKING VITAMINS... AND YOU HAVE A WHOLE LOT, AND YOU DON'T TAKE THE WHOLE BIG JUMBO

YOU HAVE A WHOLE LOT, AND YOU DON'T TAKE THE WHOLE BIG JUMBO THING ON THE ROAD... YOU TAKE AS

DON'T TAKE THE WHOLE BIG JUMBO THING ON THE ROAD... YOU TAKE AS MANY AS YOU NEED, AND THEY'RE

THING ON THE ROAD... YOU TAKE AS MANY AS YOU NEED, AND THEY'RE NOT MARKED.

MANY AS YOU NEED, AND THEY'RE NOT MARKED. AND THE JAR YOU PUT THEM IN

NOT MARKED. AND THE JAR YOU PUT THEM IN ISN'T MARKED.

AND THE JAR YOU PUT THEM IN ISN'T MARKED. AND IF A POLICEMAN REALLY WANTS

ISN'T MARKED. AND IF A POLICEMAN REALLY WANTS TO GIVE YOU A HARD TIME, HE CAN

AND IF A POLICEMAN REALLY WANTS TO GIVE YOU A HARD TIME, HE CAN HOLD YOU OVERNIGHT WHILE THEY

TO GIVE YOU A HARD TIME, HE CAN HOLD YOU OVERNIGHT WHILE THEY CHECK THE VITAMINS.

HOLD YOU OVERNIGHT WHILE THEY CHECK THE VITAMINS. THAT'S WHY I TRAVEL WITH

CHECK THE VITAMINS. THAT'S WHY I TRAVEL WITH FLINTSTONES VITAMINS!

THAT'S WHY I TRAVEL WITH FLINTSTONES VITAMINS! [LAUGHTER]

FLINTSTONES VITAMINS! [LAUGHTER] THE TERM "JUMBO SHRIMP" HAS

[LAUGHTER] THE TERM "JUMBO SHRIMP" HAS ALWAYS AMAZED ME.

THE TERM "JUMBO SHRIMP" HAS ALWAYS AMAZED ME. WHAT IS A JUMBO SHRIMP?

ALWAYS AMAZED ME. WHAT IS A JUMBO SHRIMP? I MEAN, IT'S LIKE "MILITARY

WHAT IS A JUMBO SHRIMP? I MEAN, IT'S LIKE "MILITARY INTELLIGENCE"... THE WORDS DON'T

I MEAN, IT'S LIKE "MILITARY INTELLIGENCE"... THE WORDS DON'T GO TOGETHER, MAN.

INTELLIGENCE"... THE WORDS DON'T GO TOGETHER, MAN. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS] Announcer: NEW YORK CAB DRIVER, TEMPORARILY BLINDED,

Announcer: NEW YORK CAB DRIVER, TEMPORARILY BLINDED, STILL PUTS IN 45-HOUR WEEK.

DRIVER, TEMPORARILY BLINDED, STILL PUTS IN 45-HOUR WEEK. EXCUSE ME.

STILL PUTS IN 45-HOUR WEEK. EXCUSE ME. HMM?

EXCUSE ME. HMM? SIR?

HMM? SIR? YES, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO YOU?

SIR? YES, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO YOU? WELL, I WAS TAKING A FARE TO

YES, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO YOU? WELL, I WAS TAKING A FARE TO ONE OF THOSE MOVIE PREMIERES,

WELL, I WAS TAKING A FARE TO ONE OF THOSE MOVIE PREMIERES, YOU KNOW.

ONE OF THOSE MOVIE PREMIERES, YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW THEM BIG SPOTLIGHTS?

YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW THEM BIG SPOTLIGHTS? WHERE THEY HAVE THE LIGHTS IN

YOU KNOW THEM BIG SPOTLIGHTS? WHERE THEY HAVE THE LIGHTS IN THE SKY?

WHERE THEY HAVE THE LIGHTS IN THE SKY? YEAH.

THE SKY? YEAH. YEAH, RIGHT.

YEAH. YEAH, RIGHT. I ALWAYS WONDERED HOW THEY

YEAH, RIGHT. I ALWAYS WONDERED HOW THEY GET 'EM SO BRIGHT, SO I WENT AND

I ALWAYS WONDERED HOW THEY GET 'EM SO BRIGHT, SO I WENT AND STARED INTO IT.

GET 'EM SO BRIGHT, SO I WENT AND STARED INTO IT. YEAH? STARED INTO THE LIGHT?

STARED INTO IT. YEAH? STARED INTO THE LIGHT? YEAH.

YEAH? STARED INTO THE LIGHT? YEAH. FOR HOW LONG?

YEAH. FOR HOW LONG? ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR.

FOR HOW LONG? ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR. YEAH?

ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR. YEAH? THE DOCTOR SAYS IT'S ONLY

YEAH? THE DOCTOR SAYS IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY.

THE DOCTOR SAYS IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY. MY SIGHT WILL PROBABLY COME

TEMPORARY. MY SIGHT WILL PROBABLY COME BACK.

MY SIGHT WILL PROBABLY COME BACK. OH, THAT'S GOOD.

BACK. OH, THAT'S GOOD. AND YET YOU STILL DRIVE?

OH, THAT'S GOOD. AND YET YOU STILL DRIVE? DAMN RIGHT I STILL DRIVE!

AND YET YOU STILL DRIVE? DAMN RIGHT I STILL DRIVE! WHAT SHOULD I DO... SIT HOME AND

DAMN RIGHT I STILL DRIVE! WHAT SHOULD I DO... SIT HOME AND COLLECT WELFARE?

WHAT SHOULD I DO... SIT HOME AND COLLECT WELFARE? I KNOW THESE STREETS LIKE THE

COLLECT WELFARE? I KNOW THESE STREETS LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND.

I KNOW THESE STREETS LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND. YEAH?

BACK OF MY HAND. YEAH? THAT'S RIGHT.

YEAH? THAT'S RIGHT. WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

THAT'S RIGHT. WELL, CONGRATULATIONS. THANK YOU.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS. THANK YOU. YEAH.

THANK YOU. YEAH. 56th AND MADISON.

YEAH. 56th AND MADISON. GOT TO GO NOW, PAL.

56th AND MADISON. GOT TO GO NOW, PAL. GOT A FARE.

GOT TO GO NOW, PAL. GOT A FARE. OKAY.

GOT A FARE. OKAY. ANY CARS IN FRONT OF US?

OKAY. ANY CARS IN FRONT OF US? NO.

ANY CARS IN FRONT OF US? NO. [HORN HONKS]

NO. [HORN HONKS] [MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

Announcer: IN AN UNPRECEDENTED MOVE TO EASE WORLD TENSION, THE COUNTRY OF ISRAEL

UNPRECEDENTED MOVE TO EASE WORLD TENSION, THE COUNTRY OF ISRAEL AND THE STATE OF GEORGIA HAVE

TENSION, THE COUNTRY OF ISRAEL AND THE STATE OF GEORGIA HAVE AGREED TO CHANGE PLACES.

AND THE STATE OF GEORGIA HAVE AGREED TO CHANGE PLACES. THE ENTIRE STATE OF GEORGIA...

AGREED TO CHANGE PLACES. THE ENTIRE STATE OF GEORGIA... RESIDENTS, BUSINESSES, ALL FORMS

THE ENTIRE STATE OF GEORGIA... RESIDENTS, BUSINESSES, ALL FORMS OF COMMERCE... WILL RELOCATE IN

RESIDENTS, BUSINESSES, ALL FORMS OF COMMERCE... WILL RELOCATE IN THE MIDDLE EAST ON JANUARY 1,

OF COMMERCE... WILL RELOCATE IN THE MIDDLE EAST ON JANUARY 1, 1977.

THE MIDDLE EAST ON JANUARY 1, 1977. NO BUILDINGS WILL BE MOVED.

1977. NO BUILDINGS WILL BE MOVED. IT WILL BE AN EVEN PROPERTY

NO BUILDINGS WILL BE MOVED. IT WILL BE AN EVEN PROPERTY EXCHANGE.

IT WILL BE AN EVEN PROPERTY EXCHANGE. THIS IS INDEED AN AUSPICIOUS

EXCHANGE. THIS IS INDEED AN AUSPICIOUS OCCASION OF THE 20th CENTURY,

THIS IS INDEED AN AUSPICIOUS OCCASION OF THE 20th CENTURY, AND I HOPE THAT NEW ORLEANS WILL

OCCASION OF THE 20th CENTURY, AND I HOPE THAT NEW ORLEANS WILL BE EASIER TO DEAL WITH THAN

AND I HOPE THAT NEW ORLEANS WILL BE EASIER TO DEAL WITH THAN CAIRO.

BE EASIER TO DEAL WITH THAN CAIRO. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

CAIRO. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] I KNOW... I KNOW THAT MY

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] I KNOW... I KNOW THAT MY ENTIRE STATE IS LOOKING FORWARD

I KNOW... I KNOW THAT MY ENTIRE STATE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO HEAT WITHOUT HUMIDITY.

ENTIRE STATE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO HEAT WITHOUT HUMIDITY. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TO HEAT WITHOUT HUMIDITY. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] [MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

Announcer: IN A SWEEPING MAJORITY VOTE, THIS PROGRESSIVE STATE HAS DECIDED TO LOWER THE

MAJORITY VOTE, THIS PROGRESSIVE STATE HAS DECIDED TO LOWER THE AGE OF CONSENT FROM 18 TO 7.

STATE HAS DECIDED TO LOWER THE AGE OF CONSENT FROM 18 TO 7. BUSINESSES OF ALL TYPES REPORT A

AGE OF CONSENT FROM 18 TO 7. BUSINESSES OF ALL TYPES REPORT A SURGE IN ACTIVITY.

BUSINESSES OF ALL TYPES REPORT A SURGE IN ACTIVITY. ACTUALLY, UH, I'M IN... I'M

SURGE IN ACTIVITY. ACTUALLY, UH, I'M IN... I'M IN ADVERTISING.

ACTUALLY, UH, I'M IN... I'M IN ADVERTISING. HERE. I'LL SHOW YOU.

IN ADVERTISING. HERE. I'LL SHOW YOU. THIS IS MY COMPANY HERE.

HERE. I'LL SHOW YOU. THIS IS MY COMPANY HERE. I CAN'T READ YET.

THIS IS MY COMPANY HERE. I CAN'T READ YET. OH, WELL, THIS SAYS THAT I'M

I CAN'T READ YET. OH, WELL, THIS SAYS THAT I'M IN CHARGE OF CASTING.

OH, WELL, THIS SAYS THAT I'M IN CHARGE OF CASTING. I CAST A LOT OF PEOPLE, YOU

IN CHARGE OF CASTING. I CAST A LOT OF PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, LIKE YOURSELF.

I CAST A LOT OF PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, LIKE YOURSELF. MM-HMM.

KNOW, LIKE YOURSELF. MM-HMM. YOU HAVE VERY NICE

MM-HMM. YOU HAVE VERY NICE CHEEKBONES.

YOU HAVE VERY NICE CHEEKBONES. EXCUSE ME, SIR.

CHEEKBONES. EXCUSE ME, SIR. I'M WITH "THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH."

EXCUSE ME, SIR. I'M WITH "THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH." DO YOU LIVE UP IN THIS AREA?

I'M WITH "THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH." DO YOU LIVE UP IN THIS AREA? NO, I'M FROM L.A.

DO YOU LIVE UP IN THIS AREA? NO, I'M FROM L.A. AH. WHO'S YOUR DATE?

NO, I'M FROM L.A. AH. WHO'S YOUR DATE? IT'S JUST SOMEONE I'M TALKING

AH. WHO'S YOUR DATE? IT'S JUST SOMEONE I'M TALKING TO HERE.

IT'S JUST SOMEONE I'M TALKING TO HERE. UH, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

TO HERE. UH, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE US

UH, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE US FOR A LITTLE WHILE, HUH?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE US FOR A LITTLE WHILE, HUH? ALL RIGHT.

FOR A LITTLE WHILE, HUH? ALL RIGHT. UH, I'M STAYING, UH, AT THE

ALL RIGHT. UH, I'M STAYING, UH, AT THE INN, YOU KNOW, OUT BY THE

UH, I'M STAYING, UH, AT THE INN, YOU KNOW, OUT BY THE AIRPORT THERE.

INN, YOU KNOW, OUT BY THE AIRPORT THERE. YEAH?

AIRPORT THERE. YEAH? MAYBE... I DON'T KNOW IF YOU

YEAH? MAYBE... I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE TIME...

MAYBE... I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE TIME... Announcer: ALTHOUGH

HAVE TIME... Announcer: ALTHOUGH "THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH" AIRS WHAT

Announcer: ALTHOUGH "THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH" AIRS WHAT IT MUST, SOME THINGS IT AIRS

"THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH" AIRS WHAT IT MUST, SOME THINGS IT AIRS DISGUSTS IT.

IT MUST, SOME THINGS IT AIRS DISGUSTS IT. [MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

DISGUSTS IT. [MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] WHILE YOU ARE VIEWING THIS,

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] WHILE YOU ARE VIEWING THIS, "THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH" CONTINUES

WHILE YOU ARE VIEWING THIS, "THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH" CONTINUES TO INVESTIGATE NEW LEADS, LIKE

"THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH" CONTINUES TO INVESTIGATE NEW LEADS, LIKE THE WOMAN WHO SWIMS 24 HOURS A

TO INVESTIGATE NEW LEADS, LIKE THE WOMAN WHO SWIMS 24 HOURS A DAY EVERY DAY OF HER LIFE...

THE WOMAN WHO SWIMS 24 HOURS A DAY EVERY DAY OF HER LIFE... OR THE MAN WHO CAN EAT A

DAY EVERY DAY OF HER LIFE... OR THE MAN WHO CAN EAT A THOUSAND EGGS...

OR THE MAN WHO CAN EAT A THOUSAND EGGS... OR THE GENIUS, WITH AN I.Q. OF

THOUSAND EGGS... OR THE GENIUS, WITH AN I.Q. OF OVER 240.

Announcer: AND NOW WE RETURN TO "BEE HOSPITAL." [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

TO "BEE HOSPITAL." [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] MR. BEE.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] MR. BEE. YES?

MR. BEE. YES? CONGRATULATIONS.

YES? CONGRATULATIONS. IT'S A DRONE.

CONGRATULATIONS. IT'S A DRONE. IT'S A DRONE!

IT'S A DRONE. IT'S A DRONE! IT'S A DRONE!

IT'S A DRONE! IT'S A DRONE! CONGRATULATIONS, MAN!

IT'S A DRONE! CONGRATULATIONS, MAN! CONGRATULATIONS.

CONGRATULATIONS, MAN! CONGRATULATIONS. IT'S A DRONE.

CONGRATULATIONS. IT'S A DRONE. OH!

IT'S A DRONE. OH! [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

OH! [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] MR. BEE?

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] MR. BEE? YES?

MR. BEE? YES? CONGRATULATIONS.

YES? CONGRATULATIONS. IT'S A DRONE.

CONGRATULATIONS. IT'S A DRONE. YEAH!

IT'S A DRONE. YEAH! IT'S A DRONE!

YEAH! IT'S A DRONE! IT'S A DRONE!

IT'S A DRONE! IT'S A DRONE! [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

IT'S A DRONE! [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] MR. BEE?

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] MR. BEE? YES?

MR. BEE? YES? CONGRATULATIONS.

YES? CONGRATULATIONS. IT'S A WORKER!

CONGRATULATIONS. IT'S A WORKER! IT'S A WORKER?

IT'S A WORKER! IT'S A WORKER? HEY, IT'S A WORKER.

IT'S A WORKER? HEY, IT'S A WORKER. IT'S A WORKER.

HEY, IT'S A WORKER. IT'S A WORKER. A WORKER.

IT'S A WORKER. A WORKER. AW, IT'S A WORKER!

A WORKER. AW, IT'S A WORKER! CONGRATULATIONS.

AW, IT'S A WORKER! CONGRATULATIONS. IT'S A WORKER.

CONGRATULATIONS. IT'S A WORKER. Announcer: THUS CONCLUDES

IT'S A WORKER. Announcer: THUS CONCLUDES THIS WEEK'S CHAPTER OF

Announcer: THUS CONCLUDES THIS WEEK'S CHAPTER OF "BEE HOSPITAL."

THIS WEEK'S CHAPTER OF "BEE HOSPITAL." AND NOW A SCENE FROM NEXT WEEK'S

"BEE HOSPITAL." AND NOW A SCENE FROM NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE OF "BEE HOSPITAL."

AND NOW A SCENE FROM NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE OF "BEE HOSPITAL." [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

EPISODE OF "BEE HOSPITAL." [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] MR. BEE?

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] MR. BEE? YES?

MR. BEE? YES? CONGRATULATIONS, MR. BEE.

YES? CONGRATULATIONS, MR. BEE. IT'S A QUEEN.

CONGRATULATIONS, MR. BEE. IT'S A QUEEN. OH, AAH!

IT'S A QUEEN. OH, AAH! HEY, HEY, HEY, HUH?

OH, AAH! HEY, HEY, HEY, HUH? IT'S A QUEEN!

HEY, HEY, HEY, HUH? IT'S A QUEEN! IT'S A QUEEN!

IT'S A QUEEN! IT'S A QUEEN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S A QUEEN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [RINGS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [RINGS] HELLO?

[RINGS] HELLO? HELLO! BY JUST ANSWERING THIS

HELLO? HELLO! BY JUST ANSWERING THIS PHONE CALL, YOU HAVE QUALIFIED

HELLO! BY JUST ANSWERING THIS PHONE CALL, YOU HAVE QUALIFIED FOR A CHALLENGING NEW CAREER

PHONE CALL, YOU HAVE QUALIFIED FOR A CHALLENGING NEW CAREER THAT COULD EARN YOU UP TO $80 A

FOR A CHALLENGING NEW CAREER THAT COULD EARN YOU UP TO $80 A DAY.

THAT COULD EARN YOU UP TO $80 A DAY. TELL ME MORE.

DAY. TELL ME MORE. DID YOU KNOW THAT THE RECENT

TELL ME MORE. DID YOU KNOW THAT THE RECENT GLUT OF LATE-NIGHT TV ADS FOR

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE RECENT GLUT OF LATE-NIGHT TV ADS FOR SO-CALLED TRAINING SCHOOLS HAS

GLUT OF LATE-NIGHT TV ADS FOR SO-CALLED TRAINING SCHOOLS HAS CREATED A DEMAND FOR SKILLED

SO-CALLED TRAINING SCHOOLS HAS CREATED A DEMAND FOR SKILLED PHONE ANSWERERS TO TAKE CALLS

CREATED A DEMAND FOR SKILLED PHONE ANSWERERS TO TAKE CALLS AND WRITE DOWN MESSAGES?

PHONE ANSWERERS TO TAKE CALLS AND WRITE DOWN MESSAGES? IT'S TRUE.

AND WRITE DOWN MESSAGES? IT'S TRUE. THE COUNTLESS SCHOOLS AND

IT'S TRUE. THE COUNTLESS SCHOOLS AND INSTITUTIONS THAT TEACH YOU

THE COUNTLESS SCHOOLS AND INSTITUTIONS THAT TEACH YOU COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, MOTEL

INSTITUTIONS THAT TEACH YOU COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, MOTEL MANAGEMENT, AIRPORT

COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, MOTEL MANAGEMENT, AIRPORT SURVEILLANCE, AND DIESEL

MANAGEMENT, AIRPORT SURVEILLANCE, AND DIESEL MECHANICS, TO NAME BUT A FEW,

SURVEILLANCE, AND DIESEL MECHANICS, TO NAME BUT A FEW, DESPERATELY NEED OPERATORS TO

MECHANICS, TO NAME BUT A FEW, DESPERATELY NEED OPERATORS TO STAND BY AT THE END OF THEIR TV

DESPERATELY NEED OPERATORS TO STAND BY AT THE END OF THEIR TV ADS.

NOW ABC, THE ACADEMY OF BETTER

CAREERS, OFFERS YOU THE CHANCE

TO BECOME ONE OF THESE

SOUGHT-AFTER, HIGH-PAID STANDBY

OPERATORS.

YOU'LL LEARN THE LATEST UP-TO-THE-MINUTE PHONE-ANSWERING TECHNIQUES FROM OUR STAFF OF

UP-TO-THE-MINUTE PHONE-ANSWERING TECHNIQUES FROM OUR STAFF OF EXPERIENCED INSTRUCTORS.

TECHNIQUES FROM OUR STAFF OF EXPERIENCED INSTRUCTORS. HELLO?

EXPERIENCED INSTRUCTORS. HELLO? HELLO?

HELLO? HELLO? HELLO.

HELLO? HELLO. > YOU'LL EXPLORE THE

HELLO. > YOU'LL EXPLORE THE TELEPHONE... ITS PAST, ITS

> YOU'LL EXPLORE THE TELEPHONE... ITS PAST, ITS PRESENT, AND EVEN THE AMAZING

TELEPHONE... ITS PAST, ITS PRESENT, AND EVEN THE AMAZING PICTURE PHONES OF THE FUTURE.

PRESENT, AND EVEN THE AMAZING PICTURE PHONES OF THE FUTURE. NOW, THESE ARE THE AREA

PICTURE PHONES OF THE FUTURE. NOW, THESE ARE THE AREA CODES...

NOW, THESE ARE THE AREA CODES... IN ONLY SIX WEEKS, OUR

CODES... IN ONLY SIX WEEKS, OUR EXPERTS WILL SHOW YOU EVERYTHING

IN ONLY SIX WEEKS, OUR EXPERTS WILL SHOW YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW TO ANSWER

EXPERTS WILL SHOW YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW TO ANSWER PHONES PROFESSIONALLY.

YOU NEED TO KNOW TO ANSWER PHONES PROFESSIONALLY. 9-4.

PHONES PROFESSIONALLY. 9-4. CHAD...

ABC IS VETERAN-APPROVED BY

THE FEDERAL BOARD OF PUBLIC

INSTRUCTION AND IS ELIGIBLE

UNDER THE STUDENT...

EXCUSE ME, MISTER. I HAVE TO GET OFF. BUT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I HAVE TO GET OFF. BUT WHERE ARE YOU GOING? TO CALL ABC AND START MY NEW

BUT WHERE ARE YOU GOING? TO CALL ABC AND START MY NEW CAREER AS A SOUGHT-AFTER,

TO CALL ABC AND START MY NEW CAREER AS A SOUGHT-AFTER, HIGH-PAID STANDBY OPERATOR.

CAREER AS A SOUGHT-AFTER, HIGH-PAID STANDBY OPERATOR. HEY, DON'T LET LIFE PUT YOU

HIGH-PAID STANDBY OPERATOR. HEY, DON'T LET LIFE PUT YOU ON HOLD.

HEY, DON'T LET LIFE PUT YOU ON HOLD. BECOME A STANDBY OPERATOR.

CALL NOW FOR A FREE BOOKLET!

CALL 311-555-4425.

THAT'S 311-555-4425.

OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY TO

TAKE YOUR CALL.

Announcer: AND NOW, COMEDIENNE VALRI BROMFIELD!

THANK YOU. I DON'T LOOK LIKE A COMEDIAN, DO I?

I DON'T LOOK LIKE A COMEDIAN, DO I? THAT'S BECAUSE I'M NOT.

I? THAT'S BECAUSE I'M NOT. I'M A SCHOOLTEACHER, AND,

THAT'S BECAUSE I'M NOT. I'M A SCHOOLTEACHER, AND, PEOPLE, I NEED A LOT OF SILENCE

I'M A SCHOOLTEACHER, AND, PEOPLE, I NEED A LOT OF SILENCE IN THIS ROOM IF I'M GOING TO

PEOPLE, I NEED A LOT OF SILENCE IN THIS ROOM IF I'M GOING TO TALK.

IN THIS ROOM IF I'M GOING TO TALK. PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PLEASE, PLEASE,

TALK. PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PEOPLE, AM I IN

PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PEOPLE, AM I IN A ZOO?!

PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PEOPLE, AM I IN A ZOO?! ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE.

A ZOO?! ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE. PLEASE, LET'S BRING YOU OUT OF

ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE. PLEASE, LET'S BRING YOU OUT OF THE SUBURBS AND INTO THE CITY.

PLEASE, LET'S BRING YOU OUT OF THE SUBURBS AND INTO THE CITY. I'D LIKE TO HAVE A FEW WORDS

THE SUBURBS AND INTO THE CITY. I'D LIKE TO HAVE A FEW WORDS WITH YOU.

I'D LIKE TO HAVE A FEW WORDS WITH YOU. OKAY, OKAY, PEOPLE.

WITH YOU. OKAY, OKAY, PEOPLE. NOW, TODAY, WE HAVE A BIG

OKAY, OKAY, PEOPLE. NOW, TODAY, WE HAVE A BIG VOLLEYBALL GAME AHEAD OF US,

NOW, TODAY, WE HAVE A BIG VOLLEYBALL GAME AHEAD OF US, PEOPLE, AND AS YOU KNOW, THE

VOLLEYBALL GAME AHEAD OF US, PEOPLE, AND AS YOU KNOW, THE PRINCIPAL IS COUNTING ON WINNING

PEOPLE, AND AS YOU KNOW, THE PRINCIPAL IS COUNTING ON WINNING THE CUP.

PRINCIPAL IS COUNTING ON WINNING THE CUP. THE PRINCIPAL IS A WHAT?

THE CUP. THE PRINCIPAL IS A WHAT? IS THIS A FRENCH FILM I'M LIVING

THE PRINCIPAL IS A WHAT? IS THIS A FRENCH FILM I'M LIVING IN, PEOPLE?!

IS THIS A FRENCH FILM I'M LIVING IN, PEOPLE?! PLEASE, I HAVE A FEW POINTS TO

IN, PEOPLE?! PLEASE, I HAVE A FEW POINTS TO MAKE.

PLEASE, I HAVE A FEW POINTS TO MAKE. I'D LIKE TO MAKE THEM.

MAKE. I'D LIKE TO MAKE THEM. OKAY, PEOPLE, NOW, FIRST OF ALL,

I'D LIKE TO MAKE THEM. OKAY, PEOPLE, NOW, FIRST OF ALL, WE'RE IN OUR LOVELY GYM TOGS,

OKAY, PEOPLE, NOW, FIRST OF ALL, WE'RE IN OUR LOVELY GYM TOGS, AND I'D LIKE TO KEEP THEM

WE'RE IN OUR LOVELY GYM TOGS, AND I'D LIKE TO KEEP THEM LOOKING LOVELY AND CRISP.

AND I'D LIKE TO KEEP THEM LOOKING LOVELY AND CRISP. TURQUOISE AND WHITE... A VERY

LOOKING LOVELY AND CRISP. TURQUOISE AND WHITE... A VERY GOOD COMBINATION, OKAY, BUT,

TURQUOISE AND WHITE... A VERY GOOD COMBINATION, OKAY, BUT, KEEP THE BOX PLEAT NICE AND

GOOD COMBINATION, OKAY, BUT, KEEP THE BOX PLEAT NICE AND NEAT.

KEEP THE BOX PLEAT NICE AND NEAT. DON'T SIT DOWN DURING THE GAME.

NEAT. DON'T SIT DOWN DURING THE GAME. OKAY, AND ANOTHER THING, PEOPLE,

DON'T SIT DOWN DURING THE GAME. OKAY, AND ANOTHER THING, PEOPLE, PLEASE, TWO POINTS I'D LIKE TO

OKAY, AND ANOTHER THING, PEOPLE, PLEASE, TWO POINTS I'D LIKE TO MAKE HERE... DRESS SHIELDS.

PLEASE, TWO POINTS I'D LIKE TO MAKE HERE... DRESS SHIELDS. DRESS SHIELDS, GIRLS, OKAY?

MAKE HERE... DRESS SHIELDS. DRESS SHIELDS, GIRLS, OKAY? JUST FOR THAT EXTRA NEATNESS.

DRESS SHIELDS, GIRLS, OKAY? JUST FOR THAT EXTRA NEATNESS. OH, AND, PEOPLE, THE HAIRSTYLES

JUST FOR THAT EXTRA NEATNESS. OH, AND, PEOPLE, THE HAIRSTYLES ARE VERY, VERY NICE, INDEED, BUT

OH, AND, PEOPLE, THE HAIRSTYLES ARE VERY, VERY NICE, INDEED, BUT LET'S KEEP THEM BACK OFF THE

ARE VERY, VERY NICE, INDEED, BUT LET'S KEEP THEM BACK OFF THE EYES, PEOPLE, OKAY?

LET'S KEEP THEM BACK OFF THE EYES, PEOPLE, OKAY? I'VE GOT SOME HAIRNETS HERE.

EYES, PEOPLE, OKAY? I'VE GOT SOME HAIRNETS HERE. "OOH!" YOURSELVES!

I'VE GOT SOME HAIRNETS HERE. "OOH!" YOURSELVES! NOW, PEOPLE...

"OOH!" YOURSELVES! NOW, PEOPLE... OH, I'VE GOT... YOUR TEAM

NOW, PEOPLE... OH, I'VE GOT... YOUR TEAM CAPTAIN DEBBIE HERE WOULD LIKE

OH, I'VE GOT... YOUR TEAM CAPTAIN DEBBIE HERE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A FEW WORDS WITH YOU

CAPTAIN DEBBIE HERE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A FEW WORDS WITH YOU BEFORE YOUR GAME, OKAY?

TO HAVE A FEW WORDS WITH YOU BEFORE YOUR GAME, OKAY? OKAY, DEBBIE?

BEFORE YOUR GAME, OKAY? OKAY, DEBBIE? THANKS. [SIGHS]

OKAY, DEBBIE? THANKS. [SIGHS] OKAY, SHUT UP.

THANKS. [SIGHS] OKAY, SHUT UP. OKAY.

OKAY, SHUT UP. OKAY. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] OKAY, SO WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GAME

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] OKAY, SO WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GAME AND EVERYTHING, I GUESS, OR I

OKAY, SO WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GAME AND EVERYTHING, I GUESS, OR I WOULDN'T BE WEARING THESE

AND EVERYTHING, I GUESS, OR I WOULDN'T BE WEARING THESE THINGS!

WOULDN'T BE WEARING THESE THINGS! UGH! [LAUGHS]

THINGS! UGH! [LAUGHS] OKAY, SO THE MOST IMPORTANT

UGH! [LAUGHS] OKAY, SO THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WE HAVE TO DO IS TO GO OUT

OKAY, SO THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WE HAVE TO DO IS TO GO OUT THERE AND BE REALLY, REALLY

THING WE HAVE TO DO IS TO GO OUT THERE AND BE REALLY, REALLY CUTE, OKAY?

THERE AND BE REALLY, REALLY CUTE, OKAY? 'CAUSE WE ARE REALLY PRETTY

CUTE, OKAY? 'CAUSE WE ARE REALLY PRETTY CUTE.

'CAUSE WE ARE REALLY PRETTY CUTE. AND LISTEN TO ME... SOMETHING

CUTE. AND LISTEN TO ME... SOMETHING REALLY GREAT... THERE'S SOME

AND LISTEN TO ME... SOMETHING REALLY GREAT... THERE'S SOME GUYS OUT THERE WHO ARE SUCH

REALLY GREAT... THERE'S SOME GUYS OUT THERE WHO ARE SUCH DUHs, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE!

GUYS OUT THERE WHO ARE SUCH DUHs, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE! THERE'S JIMMY AND MARK AND

DUHs, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE! THERE'S JIMMY AND MARK AND CONNOR.

THERE'S JIMMY AND MARK AND CONNOR. AND WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE GUYS,

CONNOR. AND WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE GUYS, I CAN'T GO OUT THERE!

AND WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE GUYS, I CAN'T GO OUT THERE! HAVE A GOOD GAME.

I CAN'T GO OUT THERE! HAVE A GOOD GAME. [BAND PLAYS]

WE AT "SATURDAY NIGHT" WANTED TO SEE WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE CARRY GUNS, SO WE TOOK OUR CAMERA CREW

TO SEE WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE CARRY GUNS, SO WE TOOK OUR CAMERA CREW INTO THE STREETS TO FIND OUT.

GUNS, SO WE TOOK OUR CAMERA CREW INTO THE STREETS TO FIND OUT. [ROSSINI'S "WILLIAM TELL

INTO THE STREETS TO FIND OUT. [ROSSINI'S "WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE" PLAYS]

WHEN YOU SEE OUR "SATURDAY NIGHT" TRUCK IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD, SHOW US YOUR GUNS.

"SATURDAY NIGHT" TRUCK IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD, SHOW US YOUR GUNS. [FINALE PLAYS]

NEIGHBORHOOD, SHOW US YOUR GUNS. [FINALE PLAYS] [APPLAUSE]

IT'S ALREADY SUNDAY, AND IT'S GOD'S DAY OFF. THAT'S WHAT IT SAID IN

GOD'S DAY OFF. THAT'S WHAT IT SAID IN THE BIBLE... HE WORKED SIX DAYS,

THAT'S WHAT IT SAID IN THE BIBLE... HE WORKED SIX DAYS, AND HE TOOK SUNDAY OFF.

THE BIBLE... HE WORKED SIX DAYS, AND HE TOOK SUNDAY OFF. IT'S HIS ONE DAY OFF, AND THAT'S

AND HE TOOK SUNDAY OFF. IT'S HIS ONE DAY OFF, AND THAT'S THE DAY WE ALL GO AND CROWD INTO

IT'S HIS ONE DAY OFF, AND THAT'S THE DAY WE ALL GO AND CROWD INTO CHURCH AND ASK HIM...

THE DAY WE ALL GO AND CROWD INTO CHURCH AND ASK HIM... [MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

CHURCH AND ASK HIM... [MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY] "MY DAY OFF, MAN."

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY] "MY DAY OFF, MAN." WELL, WE CREATED GOD IN OUR OWN

"MY DAY OFF, MAN." WELL, WE CREATED GOD IN OUR OWN IMAGE AND LIKENESS... NO

WELL, WE CREATED GOD IN OUR OWN IMAGE AND LIKENESS... NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT.

IMAGE AND LIKENESS... NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT. EVERY TIME I SEE A PICTURE OF

QUESTION ABOUT THAT. EVERY TIME I SEE A PICTURE OF GOD, I MEAN, HE HAS KNEES AND

EVERY TIME I SEE A PICTURE OF GOD, I MEAN, HE HAS KNEES AND TOENAILS, RIGHT?

GOD, I MEAN, HE HAS KNEES AND TOENAILS, RIGHT? THERE'S A GOOD EXAMPLE... A

TOENAILS, RIGHT? THERE'S A GOOD EXAMPLE... A BETTER EXAMPLE OF OUR KIND OF

THERE'S A GOOD EXAMPLE... A BETTER EXAMPLE OF OUR KIND OF SELF-CENTEREDNESS WHEN IT COMES

BETTER EXAMPLE OF OUR KIND OF SELF-CENTEREDNESS WHEN IT COMES TO GOD.

SELF-CENTEREDNESS WHEN IT COMES TO GOD. WHEN WE PUT A STATUE OF JESUS ON

TO GOD. WHEN WE PUT A STATUE OF JESUS ON THE DASHBOARD, INSTEAD OF HAVING

WHEN WE PUT A STATUE OF JESUS ON THE DASHBOARD, INSTEAD OF HAVING HIM LOOKING OUT AND WATCHING FOR

THE DASHBOARD, INSTEAD OF HAVING HIM LOOKING OUT AND WATCHING FOR TRAFFIC, WHICH IS WHAT HE SHOULD

HIM LOOKING OUT AND WATCHING FOR TRAFFIC, WHICH IS WHAT HE SHOULD BE DOING... WE HAVE HIM WATCHING

TRAFFIC, WHICH IS WHAT HE SHOULD BE DOING... WE HAVE HIM WATCHING US DRIVE.

BE DOING... WE HAVE HIM WATCHING US DRIVE. "HEY! WATCH THIS, JESUS!

US DRIVE. "HEY! WATCH THIS, JESUS! LEFT TURN!"

"HEY! WATCH THIS, JESUS! LEFT TURN!" AHHHHH!

LEFT TURN!" AHHHHH! YOU EVER SEE A STATUE LEAP?

AHHHHH! YOU EVER SEE A STATUE LEAP? JUMPED RIGHT UP INTO THE BABY

YOU EVER SEE A STATUE LEAP? JUMPED RIGHT UP INTO THE BABY SHOES THAT TIME.

JUMPED RIGHT UP INTO THE BABY SHOES THAT TIME. [LAUGHTER]

SHOES THAT TIME. [LAUGHTER] DON'T WORRY. DON'T WORRY.

[LAUGHTER] DON'T WORRY. DON'T WORRY. THE UNIVERSE IS IN BALANCE,

DON'T WORRY. DON'T WORRY. THE UNIVERSE IS IN BALANCE, BECAUSE JESUS HAS A STATUE OF A

THE UNIVERSE IS IN BALANCE, BECAUSE JESUS HAS A STATUE OF A MIDDLE-CLASS AMERICAN HYPOCRITE

BECAUSE JESUS HAS A STATUE OF A MIDDLE-CLASS AMERICAN HYPOCRITE ON HIS DASHBOARD, SO IT'S NICE,

MIDDLE-CLASS AMERICAN HYPOCRITE ON HIS DASHBOARD, SO IT'S NICE, YEAH.

ON HIS DASHBOARD, SO IT'S NICE, YEAH. THINGS WORK OUT WELL.

YEAH. THINGS WORK OUT WELL. BUT WE ARE SO CONCEITED ABOUT

THINGS WORK OUT WELL. BUT WE ARE SO CONCEITED ABOUT THIS GOD CONCEPT THAT WE'LL GO

BUT WE ARE SO CONCEITED ABOUT THIS GOD CONCEPT THAT WE'LL GO AROUND DESCRIBING HIM TO EACH

THIS GOD CONCEPT THAT WE'LL GO AROUND DESCRIBING HIM TO EACH OTHER.

AROUND DESCRIBING HIM TO EACH OTHER. I MEAN, WE SAY, "HE'S INFINITE,

OTHER. I MEAN, WE SAY, "HE'S INFINITE, AND WE CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND HIM,

I MEAN, WE SAY, "HE'S INFINITE, AND WE CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND HIM, BUT I'LL DESCRIBE HIM FOR YOU."

AND WE CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND HIM, BUT I'LL DESCRIBE HIM FOR YOU." "WHAT?"

BUT I'LL DESCRIBE HIM FOR YOU." "WHAT?" "WELL, HERE'S WHAT HE'S LIKE.

"WHAT?" "WELL, HERE'S WHAT HE'S LIKE. FIRST OF ALL... FIRST OF ALL, HE

"WELL, HERE'S WHAT HE'S LIKE. FIRST OF ALL... FIRST OF ALL, HE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

FIRST OF ALL... FIRST OF ALL, HE KNOWS EVERYTHING. HE KNOWS ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

KNOWS EVERYTHING. HE KNOWS ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M

HE KNOWS ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT... HE KNOWS WHAT I

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT... HE KNOWS WHAT I MEAN.

TALKING ABOUT... HE KNOWS WHAT I MEAN. SECONDLY, HE NEVER STARTED, AND

MEAN. SECONDLY, HE NEVER STARTED, AND HE'S NEVER GONNA END.

SECONDLY, HE NEVER STARTED, AND HE'S NEVER GONNA END. AND THIRD, HE IS ALL-POWERFUL.

HE'S NEVER GONNA END. AND THIRD, HE IS ALL-POWERFUL. HE CAN DO ANYTHING.

AND THIRD, HE IS ALL-POWERFUL. HE CAN DO ANYTHING. HE CAN THROW A CAR RIGHT OVER A

HE CAN DO ANYTHING. HE CAN THROW A CAR RIGHT OVER A WALL.

HE CAN THROW A CAR RIGHT OVER A WALL. HE'S JUST LIKE US.

WALL. HE'S JUST LIKE US. HE'S A COOL GUY.

HE'S JUST LIKE US. HE'S A COOL GUY. THAT'S ALL GOD... HE'S A COOL

HE'S A COOL GUY. THAT'S ALL GOD... HE'S A COOL GUY."

THAT'S ALL GOD... HE'S A COOL GUY." THAT'S WHAT ALL THE RELIGIONS

GUY." THAT'S WHAT ALL THE RELIGIONS TOLD US... HE'S LIKE US.

THAT'S WHAT ALL THE RELIGIONS TOLD US... HE'S LIKE US. HE'S US.

TOLD US... HE'S LIKE US. HE'S US. THAT'S WHAT ALL THE BIG ONES...

HE'S US. THAT'S WHAT ALL THE BIG ONES... ALL THE BIG RELIGIONS SAID,

THAT'S WHAT ALL THE BIG ONES... ALL THE BIG RELIGIONS SAID, "LOVE YOURSELF, LOVE YOUR GOD,

ALL THE BIG RELIGIONS SAID, "LOVE YOURSELF, LOVE YOUR GOD, LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR, BECAUSE

"LOVE YOURSELF, LOVE YOUR GOD, LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR, BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL BASICALLY THE SAME

LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR, BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL BASICALLY THE SAME PERSON.

YOU'RE ALL BASICALLY THE SAME PERSON. WE JUST DON'T HAVE UNIFORMS

PERSON. WE JUST DON'T HAVE UNIFORMS YET... THAT'S ALL."

WE JUST DON'T HAVE UNIFORMS YET... THAT'S ALL." [LAUGHTER]

YET... THAT'S ALL." [LAUGHTER] AND WE DO GO FOR THAT, DON'T WE?

[LAUGHTER] AND WE DO GO FOR THAT, DON'T WE? WE KIND OF BUY THAT.

AND WE DO GO FOR THAT, DON'T WE? WE KIND OF BUY THAT. "OH, YEAH, I'M GOD.

WE KIND OF BUY THAT. "OH, YEAH, I'M GOD. SURE, I'M GOD.

"OH, YEAH, I'M GOD. SURE, I'M GOD. STANLEY IS GOD.

SURE, I'M GOD. STANLEY IS GOD. ARLENE IS GOD.

STANLEY IS GOD. ARLENE IS GOD. GOD AND ME ARE ARLENE AND

ARLENE IS GOD. GOD AND ME ARE ARLENE AND STANLEY."

GOD AND ME ARE ARLENE AND STANLEY." I MEAN, IT'S A LITTLE

STANLEY." I MEAN, IT'S A LITTLE COMPLICATED, BUT WE DO KIND OF

I MEAN, IT'S A LITTLE COMPLICATED, BUT WE DO KIND OF BELIEVE THAT.

COMPLICATED, BUT WE DO KIND OF BELIEVE THAT. AND IF GOD IS LIKE US, I THINK,

BELIEVE THAT. AND IF GOD IS LIKE US, I THINK, PERHAPS, HE MIGHT BE SUBJECT TO

AND IF GOD IS LIKE US, I THINK, PERHAPS, HE MIGHT BE SUBJECT TO PHYSICAL LAWS.

PERHAPS, HE MIGHT BE SUBJECT TO PHYSICAL LAWS. I MEAN, SUPERNATURAL, BUT

PHYSICAL LAWS. I MEAN, SUPERNATURAL, BUT SUBJECT TO PHYSICAL LAWS,

I MEAN, SUPERNATURAL, BUT SUBJECT TO PHYSICAL LAWS, POSSIBLY.

SUBJECT TO PHYSICAL LAWS, POSSIBLY. IT WOULD EXPLAIN A LOT OF

POSSIBLY. IT WOULD EXPLAIN A LOT OF THINGS.

IT WOULD EXPLAIN A LOT OF THINGS. IT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY HE ALWAYS

THINGS. IT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY HE ALWAYS HAS TO SEND AN ANGEL AS A

IT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY HE ALWAYS HAS TO SEND AN ANGEL AS A MESSENGER.

HAS TO SEND AN ANGEL AS A MESSENGER. I MEAN, IF HE'S GOD, WHY DOESN'T

MESSENGER. I MEAN, IF HE'S GOD, WHY DOESN'T HE SHOW UP?

I MEAN, IF HE'S GOD, WHY DOESN'T HE SHOW UP? "HEY, I GOT A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

HE SHOW UP? "HEY, I GOT A MESSAGE FOR YOU. HERE YOU GO."

"HEY, I GOT A MESSAGE FOR YOU. HERE YOU GO." [LAUGHTER]

HERE YOU GO." [LAUGHTER] SENDS AN ANGEL.

[LAUGHTER] SENDS AN ANGEL. AND THE ANGEL ALWAYS FLIES IN

SENDS AN ANGEL. AND THE ANGEL ALWAYS FLIES IN OVER A MOUNTAIN.

AND THE ANGEL ALWAYS FLIES IN OVER A MOUNTAIN. I MEAN, THAT IMPLIES THE

OVER A MOUNTAIN. I MEAN, THAT IMPLIES THE TRAVERSING OF PHYSICAL SPACE.

I MEAN, THAT IMPLIES THE TRAVERSING OF PHYSICAL SPACE. SO, POSSIBLY, GOD IS SUBJECT TO

TRAVERSING OF PHYSICAL SPACE. SO, POSSIBLY, GOD IS SUBJECT TO PHYSICAL LAWS.

SO, POSSIBLY, GOD IS SUBJECT TO PHYSICAL LAWS. PEOPLE SAY, "WELL, IF GOD IS SO

PHYSICAL LAWS. PEOPLE SAY, "WELL, IF GOD IS SO BENEVOLENT, HOW CAN HE LET

PEOPLE SAY, "WELL, IF GOD IS SO BENEVOLENT, HOW CAN HE LET PEOPLE SUFFER?"

BENEVOLENT, HOW CAN HE LET PEOPLE SUFFER?" HE CAN'T HELP IT, LADY...

PEOPLE SUFFER?" HE CAN'T HELP IT, LADY... SUBJECT TO PHYSICAL LAWS.

HE CAN'T HELP IT, LADY... SUBJECT TO PHYSICAL LAWS. MAYBE HE'S ONLY A SEMI-SUPREME

SUBJECT TO PHYSICAL LAWS. MAYBE HE'S ONLY A SEMI-SUPREME BEING, BECAUSE HE'S LIKE US, AND

MAYBE HE'S ONLY A SEMI-SUPREME BEING, BECAUSE HE'S LIKE US, AND WE'RE NOT PERFECT.

BEING, BECAUSE HE'S LIKE US, AND WE'RE NOT PERFECT. I THINK GOD MAY NOT BE PERFECT.

WE'RE NOT PERFECT. I THINK GOD MAY NOT BE PERFECT. I THINK HIS WORK SHOWS THAT.

I THINK GOD MAY NOT BE PERFECT. I THINK HIS WORK SHOWS THAT. [LAUGHTER]

I THINK HIS WORK SHOWS THAT. [LAUGHTER] TAKE A LOOK AT A MOUNTAIN RANGE.

[LAUGHTER] TAKE A LOOK AT A MOUNTAIN RANGE. THEY'RE ALL CROOKED.

TAKE A LOOK AT A MOUNTAIN RANGE. THEY'RE ALL CROOKED. THEY'RE NEVER IN LINE, ALL

THEY'RE ALL CROOKED. THEY'RE NEVER IN LINE, ALL DIFFERENT SIZES.

THEY'RE NEVER IN LINE, ALL DIFFERENT SIZES. THERE ARE NO TWO LEAVES THE

DIFFERENT SIZES. THERE ARE NO TWO LEAVES THE SAME.

THERE ARE NO TWO LEAVES THE SAME. HE CAN'T EVEN GIVE TWO PEOPLE

SAME. HE CAN'T EVEN GIVE TWO PEOPLE THE SAME FINGERPRINTS.

HE CAN'T EVEN GIVE TWO PEOPLE THE SAME FINGERPRINTS. HE'S HAD BILLIONS OF YEARS TO

THE SAME FINGERPRINTS. HE'S HAD BILLIONS OF YEARS TO WORK ON THIS STUFF.

HE'S HAD BILLIONS OF YEARS TO WORK ON THIS STUFF. AND EVERYTHING HE HAS EVER MADE

WORK ON THIS STUFF. AND EVERYTHING HE HAS EVER MADE DIED!

AND EVERYTHING HE HAS EVER MADE DIED! [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DIED! [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] EVERYTHING SO FAR... SO FAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] EVERYTHING SO FAR... SO FAR. WHOA.

EVERYTHING SO FAR... SO FAR. WHOA. WHERE DID HE GET THIS GREAT

WHOA. WHERE DID HE GET THIS GREAT REPUTATION?

WHERE DID HE GET THIS GREAT REPUTATION? HE'S BATTING .000.

REPUTATION? HE'S BATTING .000. NOW, SOME RELIGIONS... WHICH ARE

HE'S BATTING .000. NOW, SOME RELIGIONS... WHICH ARE NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH GOD...

NOW, SOME RELIGIONS... WHICH ARE NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH GOD... SOME RELIGIONS WILL TELL YOU

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH GOD... SOME RELIGIONS WILL TELL YOU THAT IT'S QUITE OKAY NOT TO

SOME RELIGIONS WILL TELL YOU THAT IT'S QUITE OKAY NOT TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.

THAT IT'S QUITE OKAY NOT TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE. RELIGION IS A WAY OF RELIEVING

WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE. RELIGION IS A WAY OF RELIEVING YOURSELF OF ANY RESPONSIBILITY

RELIGION IS A WAY OF RELIEVING YOURSELF OF ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTS.

YOURSELF OF ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTS. "IT WAS GOD'S WILL.

FOR YOUR ACTS. "IT WAS GOD'S WILL. YES, GOD'S WILL.

"IT WAS GOD'S WILL. YES, GOD'S WILL. OH, I RAN OVER THE KID IN THE

YES, GOD'S WILL. OH, I RAN OVER THE KID IN THE DRIVEWAY, YES, BUT DON'T LOOK AT

OH, I RAN OVER THE KID IN THE DRIVEWAY, YES, BUT DON'T LOOK AT ME.

DRIVEWAY, YES, BUT DON'T LOOK AT ME. [CHUCKLES]

ME. [CHUCKLES] GOD'S WILL."

[CHUCKLES] GOD'S WILL." [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GOD'S WILL." [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] CAN YOU SEE A LYNCH MOB GOING,

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] CAN YOU SEE A LYNCH MOB GOING, "NOW, LET'S GET THIS GUY... GOD.

CAN YOU SEE A LYNCH MOB GOING, "NOW, LET'S GET THIS GUY... GOD. THAT'S THE FOURTH KID HE'S

"NOW, LET'S GET THIS GUY... GOD. THAT'S THE FOURTH KID HE'S KILLED THIS WEEK."

THAT'S THE FOURTH KID HE'S KILLED THIS WEEK." RELIGION... RELIGION AT BEST...

KILLED THIS WEEK." RELIGION... RELIGION AT BEST... AT BEST... IS LIKE A LIFT IN

RELIGION... RELIGION AT BEST... AT BEST... IS LIKE A LIFT IN YOUR SHOE.

AT BEST... IS LIKE A LIFT IN YOUR SHOE. IF YOU NEED IT FOR A WHILE AND

YOUR SHOE. IF YOU NEED IT FOR A WHILE AND IT MAKES YOU WALK STRAIGHT AND

IF YOU NEED IT FOR A WHILE AND IT MAKES YOU WALK STRAIGHT AND FEEL BETTER, FINE, BUT YOU DON'T

IT MAKES YOU WALK STRAIGHT AND FEEL BETTER, FINE, BUT YOU DON'T NEED IT FOREVER, OR YOU CAN

FEEL BETTER, FINE, BUT YOU DON'T NEED IT FOREVER, OR YOU CAN BECOME PERMANENTLY DISABLED.

NEED IT FOREVER, OR YOU CAN BECOME PERMANENTLY DISABLED. RELIGION IS LIKE A LIFT IN THE

BECOME PERMANENTLY DISABLED. RELIGION IS LIKE A LIFT IN THE SHOE.

RELIGION IS LIKE A LIFT IN THE SHOE. AND I SAY, JUST DON'T ASK ME TO

SHOE. AND I SAY, JUST DON'T ASK ME TO WEAR YOUR SHOES, AND LET'S NOT

AND I SAY, JUST DON'T ASK ME TO WEAR YOUR SHOES, AND LET'S NOT GO DOWN AND NAIL LIFTS ONTO THE

WEAR YOUR SHOES, AND LET'S NOT GO DOWN AND NAIL LIFTS ONTO THE NATIVES' FEET.

GO DOWN AND NAIL LIFTS ONTO THE NATIVES' FEET. THANK YOU.

NATIVES' FEET. THANK YOU. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S BILLY PRESTON WITH HIS NEW HIT

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S BILLY PRESTON WITH HIS NEW HIT "FANCY LADY."

BILLY PRESTON WITH HIS NEW HIT "FANCY LADY." [BILLY PRESTON'S "FANCY LADY"

"FANCY LADY." [BILLY PRESTON'S "FANCY LADY" PLAYS]

♪ FANCY LADY IS MASQUERADING ♪ ♪ WITH A HEART THAT NOBODY CAN

IS MASQUERADING ♪ ♪ WITH A HEART THAT NOBODY CAN SEE ♪

♪ WITH A HEART THAT NOBODY CAN SEE ♪ ♪ TIME IS WASTING THERE ♪

SEE ♪ ♪ TIME IS WASTING THERE ♪ ♪ THERE'S NO ESCAPING ♪

♪ TIME IS WASTING THERE ♪ ♪ THERE'S NO ESCAPING ♪ ♪ HOW LONG WILL YOUR SWEET

♪ THERE'S NO ESCAPING ♪ ♪ HOW LONG WILL YOUR SWEET PLEASURE BE? ♪

♪ HOW LONG WILL YOUR SWEET PLEASURE BE? ♪ ♪ FANCY LADY,

PLEASURE BE? ♪ ♪ FANCY LADY, YOU ARE JUST A STRANGER

♪ FANCY LADY, YOU ARE JUST A STRANGER TO ALL THE LOVERS YOU DON'T GET

YOU ARE JUST A STRANGER TO ALL THE LOVERS YOU DON'T GET TO KNOW ♪

TO ALL THE LOVERS YOU DON'T GET TO KNOW ♪ ♪ YOU TRY HIDING ALL THE BROKEN

TO KNOW ♪ ♪ YOU TRY HIDING ALL THE BROKEN TRACES ♪

♪ YOU TRY HIDING ALL THE BROKEN TRACES ♪ ♪ OF THE ONE LOVE YOU HAD TO

TRACES ♪ ♪ OF THE ONE LOVE YOU HAD TO LET GO ♪

♪ OF THE ONE LOVE YOU HAD TO LET GO ♪ ♪ OH, I GOT LOVE ♪

LET GO ♪ ♪ OH, I GOT LOVE ♪ ♪ YOU CAN SAMPLE MY WARES ♪

♪ OH, I GOT LOVE ♪ ♪ YOU CAN SAMPLE MY WARES ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE ♪

♪ YOU CAN SAMPLE MY WARES ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE ♪ ♪ YOU GOT LOVE ♪

♪ I GOT LOVE ♪ ♪ YOU GOT LOVE ♪ ♪ COME ON AND TRY IF YOU

♪ YOU GOT LOVE ♪ ♪ COME ON AND TRY IF YOU DARE ♪

♪ COME ON AND TRY IF YOU DARE ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE ♪

DARE ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE ♪ ♪ YOU GOT LOVE ♪

♪ I GOT LOVE ♪ ♪ YOU GOT LOVE ♪ ♪ SAMPLE MY WA-A-A-RES ♪

♪ YOU GOT LOVE ♪ ♪ SAMPLE MY WA-A-A-RES ♪ ♪ SAMPLE YOUR WARES, BABY ♪

♪ SAMPLE MY WA-A-A-RES ♪ ♪ SAMPLE YOUR WARES, BABY ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE, HONEY ♪

♪ SAMPLE YOUR WARES, BABY ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE, HONEY ♪ ♪ YOU GOT REAL GOOD LOVE FOR

♪ I GOT LOVE, HONEY ♪ ♪ YOU GOT REAL GOOD LOVE FOR SALE ♪

♪ YOU GOT REAL GOOD LOVE FOR SALE ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

SALE ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ FANCY LADY,

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ FANCY LADY, WHERE ARE ALL YOUR CHILDREN,

♪ FANCY LADY, WHERE ARE ALL YOUR CHILDREN, GIRL ♪

WHERE ARE ALL YOUR CHILDREN, GIRL ♪ ♪ WHO WERE BORN TO YOU, SO SWEET

GIRL ♪ ♪ WHO WERE BORN TO YOU, SO SWEET AND TRUE? ♪

♪ WHO WERE BORN TO YOU, SO SWEET AND TRUE? ♪ ♪ WILL YOU GIVE THEM ALL YOUR

AND TRUE? ♪ ♪ WILL YOU GIVE THEM ALL YOUR SAD PARADING ♪

♪ WILL YOU GIVE THEM ALL YOUR SAD PARADING ♪ ♪ HAVE THEM DOING THE SAME

SAD PARADING ♪ ♪ HAVE THEM DOING THE SAME THINGS YOU DO? ♪

♪ HAVE THEM DOING THE SAME THINGS YOU DO? ♪ ♪ THE GREAT CREATOR, HE'S A

THINGS YOU DO? ♪ ♪ THE GREAT CREATOR, HE'S A LIBERATOR, YES, HE IS ♪

♪ THE GREAT CREATOR, HE'S A LIBERATOR, YES, HE IS ♪ ♪ HE ALWAYS LENDS A HELPING

LIBERATOR, YES, HE IS ♪ ♪ HE ALWAYS LENDS A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ HE ALWAYS LENDS A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ FANCY LADY,

HAND ♪ ♪ FANCY LADY, TIME IS NO WAITER ♪

♪ FANCY LADY, TIME IS NO WAITER ♪ ♪ IT WILL RUN OUT ON YOU BEFORE

TIME IS NO WAITER ♪ ♪ IT WILL RUN OUT ON YOU BEFORE YOU CAN SAY ♪

♪ IT WILL RUN OUT ON YOU BEFORE YOU CAN SAY ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

♪ FANCY LADY, AH, YOU'RE JUST A STRANGER, GIRL, TO ALL THE LOVERS YOU DON'T GET

YOU'RE JUST A STRANGER, GIRL, TO ALL THE LOVERS YOU DON'T GET TO KNOW ♪

TO ALL THE LOVERS YOU DON'T GET TO KNOW ♪ ♪ YOU TRY HIDING ALL YOUR BROKEN

TO KNOW ♪ ♪ YOU TRY HIDING ALL YOUR BROKEN TRACES ♪

♪ YOU TRY HIDING ALL YOUR BROKEN TRACES ♪ ♪ OF THAT ONE LOVE YOU HAD TO

TRACES ♪ ♪ OF THAT ONE LOVE YOU HAD TO LET GO ♪

♪ OF THAT ONE LOVE YOU HAD TO LET GO ♪ ♪ FANCY LADY,

LET GO ♪ ♪ FANCY LADY, HE'S A GREAT CREATOR, GIRL ♪

♪ FANCY LADY, HE'S A GREAT CREATOR, GIRL ♪ ♪ THE LORD IS ALWAYS LENDING A

HE'S A GREAT CREATOR, GIRL ♪ ♪ THE LORD IS ALWAYS LENDING A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ THE LORD IS ALWAYS LENDING A HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ FANCY LADY,

HELPING HAND ♪ ♪ FANCY LADY, TIME IS NO WAITER ♪

♪ FANCY LADY, TIME IS NO WAITER ♪ ♪ IT WILL RUN OUT ON YOU BEFORE

TIME IS NO WAITER ♪ ♪ IT WILL RUN OUT ON YOU BEFORE YOU CAN SAY ♪

♪ IT WILL RUN OUT ON YOU BEFORE YOU CAN SAY ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE ♪

YOU CAN SAY ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE ♪ [DRUM SOLO]

♪ I GOT LOVE ♪ [DRUM SOLO] ♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪

[DRUM SOLO] ♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪ ♪ SAMPLE MY WARES ♪

♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪ ♪ SAMPLE MY WARES ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪

♪ SAMPLE MY WARES ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪ ♪ YEAH, TRY IT IF YOU DARE ♪

♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪ ♪ YEAH, TRY IT IF YOU DARE ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪

♪ YEAH, TRY IT IF YOU DARE ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪ ♪ YOU GOT LOVE ♪

♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪ ♪ YOU GOT LOVE ♪ ♪ SAMPLE MY WA-A-A-RES ♪

♪ YOU GOT LOVE ♪ ♪ SAMPLE MY WA-A-A-RES ♪ ♪ SAMPLE YOUR WARES ♪

♪ SAMPLE MY WA-A-A-RES ♪ ♪ SAMPLE YOUR WARES ♪ ♪ I GOT TO LOVE, BOY ♪

♪ SAMPLE YOUR WARES ♪ ♪ I GOT TO LOVE, BOY ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO LOVE ♪

♪ I GOT TO LOVE, BOY ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO LOVE ♪ ♪ TRY IT IF YOU DARE ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO LOVE ♪ ♪ TRY IT IF YOU DARE ♪ ♪ I'M A MAN ♪

♪ TRY IT IF YOU DARE ♪ ♪ I'M A MAN ♪ ♪ GIVE IT TO ME ♪

♪ I'M A MAN ♪ ♪ GIVE IT TO ME ♪ ♪ GIVE IT TO ME ♪

♪ GIVE IT TO ME ♪ ♪ GIVE IT TO ME ♪ ♪ SAMPLE MY WARES, BOY ♪

♪ GIVE IT TO ME ♪ ♪ SAMPLE MY WARES, BOY ♪ ♪ I WANT YOUR LOVE, BABY,

♪ SAMPLE MY WARES, BOY ♪ ♪ I WANT YOUR LOVE, BABY, YEAH ♪

♪ I WANT YOUR LOVE, BABY, YEAH ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE ♪

YEAH ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE ♪ ♪ YOU CAN TRY IT IF YOU DARE ♪

♪ I GOT LOVE ♪ ♪ YOU CAN TRY IT IF YOU DARE ♪ ♪ GIVE IT TO ME, BABY ♪

♪ YOU CAN TRY IT IF YOU DARE ♪ ♪ GIVE IT TO ME, BABY ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ GIVE IT TO ME, BABY ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ WHOO-OOH-OOH ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ WHOO-OOH-OOH ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪

♪ WHOO-OOH-OOH ♪ ♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪ ♪ I GOT IT ♪

♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪ ♪ I GOT IT ♪ ♪ SAMPLE MY WARES! ♪

♪ I GOT IT ♪ ♪ SAMPLE MY WARES! ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

♪ AH! ♪ ♪ AH ♪

♪ ALL RIGHT ♪ [FINALE PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH, HONEY, "BOEING BOEING" WITH JERRY LEWIS IS ON IN 10 MINUTES.

WITH JERRY LEWIS IS ON IN 10 MINUTES. AW, SWEETHEART, I'M TIRED.

MINUTES. AW, SWEETHEART, I'M TIRED. I THINK I'M JUST GONNA HAVE

AW, SWEETHEART, I'M TIRED. I THINK I'M JUST GONNA HAVE ANOTHER GLASS OF DIET ROOT BEER

I THINK I'M JUST GONNA HAVE ANOTHER GLASS OF DIET ROOT BEER AND GO TO BED, OKAY?

ANOTHER GLASS OF DIET ROOT BEER AND GO TO BED, OKAY? [GLASS SHATTERS]

AND GO TO BED, OKAY? [GLASS SHATTERS] ALL RIGHT.

[GLASS SHATTERS] ALL RIGHT. WHAT WAS THAT?!

ALL RIGHT. WHAT WAS THAT?! WHAT'S GOING...

WHAT WAS THAT?! WHAT'S GOING... HI, THERE!

WHAT'S GOING... HI, THERE! PLEASE DO NOT BE ALARMED.

HI, THERE! PLEASE DO NOT BE ALARMED. THIS IS ONLY A SIMULATED ASSAULT

PLEASE DO NOT BE ALARMED. THIS IS ONLY A SIMULATED ASSAULT AND BURGLARY.

THIS IS ONLY A SIMULATED ASSAULT AND BURGLARY. REPEAT... THIS IS A SIMULATED

AND BURGLARY. REPEAT... THIS IS A SIMULATED ASSAULT AND BURGLARY.

REPEAT... THIS IS A SIMULATED ASSAULT AND BURGLARY. THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU AT ANY

ASSAULT AND BURGLARY. THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU AT ANY TIME.

THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU AT ANY TIME. IN FACT, IT JUST HAS.

TIME. IN FACT, IT JUST HAS. HONEY, CALL THE POLICE!

IN FACT, IT JUST HAS. HONEY, CALL THE POLICE! DO SOMETHING!

HONEY, CALL THE POLICE! DO SOMETHING! NO, NO, NO, NO.

DO SOMETHING! NO, NO, NO, NO. DON'T CALL THE POLICE.

NO, NO, NO, NO. DON'T CALL THE POLICE. I AM THE POLICE.

DON'T CALL THE POLICE. I AM THE POLICE. I MIGHT BE, ANYWAY.

I AM THE POLICE. I MIGHT BE, ANYWAY. HI, MR. AND MRS. KROMER.

I MIGHT BE, ANYWAY. HI, MR. AND MRS. KROMER. MY NAME IS KENNY VORSTRATHER.

HI, MR. AND MRS. KROMER. MY NAME IS KENNY VORSTRATHER. I'M PRESIDENT OF TROJAN HORSE

MY NAME IS KENNY VORSTRATHER. I'M PRESIDENT OF TROJAN HORSE HOME SECURITY.

I'M PRESIDENT OF TROJAN HORSE HOME SECURITY. I BROKE INTO YOUR HOME TONIGHT

HOME SECURITY. I BROKE INTO YOUR HOME TONIGHT TO SHOW YOU JUST HOW VULNERABLE

I BROKE INTO YOUR HOME TONIGHT TO SHOW YOU JUST HOW VULNERABLE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE TO

TO SHOW YOU JUST HOW VULNERABLE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE TO CRIME.

YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE TO CRIME. I SELL A COMPLETE RANGE OF

CRIME. I SELL A COMPLETE RANGE OF HOME-AND-GARDEN SECURITY

I SELL A COMPLETE RANGE OF HOME-AND-GARDEN SECURITY DEVICES.

HOME-AND-GARDEN SECURITY DEVICES. YOU MIGHT SAY SECURITY IS MY

DEVICES. YOU MIGHT SAY SECURITY IS MY LIFE.

YOU MIGHT SAY SECURITY IS MY LIFE. I'M FULLY QUALIFIED TO MAKE YOU

LIFE. I'M FULLY QUALIFIED TO MAKE YOU FEEL SECURE.

I'M FULLY QUALIFIED TO MAKE YOU FEEL SECURE. I USED TO BE AN ARMORED-TRUCK

FEEL SECURE. I USED TO BE AN ARMORED-TRUCK MECHANIC IN LEEBER CITY,

I USED TO BE AN ARMORED-TRUCK MECHANIC IN LEEBER CITY, ARIZONA.

MECHANIC IN LEEBER CITY, ARIZONA. AND, YOU, MR. KROMER, HAVE THE

ARIZONA. AND, YOU, MR. KROMER, HAVE THE PERFECT RIGHT TO THROW ME OUT OF

AND, YOU, MR. KROMER, HAVE THE PERFECT RIGHT TO THROW ME OUT OF YOUR HOUSE, IF YOU THINK YOU

PERFECT RIGHT TO THROW ME OUT OF YOUR HOUSE, IF YOU THINK YOU CAN.

YOUR HOUSE, IF YOU THINK YOU CAN. IF I THINK I CAN?!

CAN. IF I THINK I CAN?! YOU'RE A PRETTY HEFTY GUY,

IF I THINK I CAN?! YOU'RE A PRETTY HEFTY GUY, AREN'T YOU?

YOU'RE A PRETTY HEFTY GUY, AREN'T YOU? FREEZE, MR. KROMER, OR ELSE

AREN'T YOU? FREEZE, MR. KROMER, OR ELSE THE LITTLE LADY GETS CRIPPLED!

FREEZE, MR. KROMER, OR ELSE THE LITTLE LADY GETS CRIPPLED! [LAUGHS]

THE LITTLE LADY GETS CRIPPLED! [LAUGHS] DON'T WORRY, FOLKS.

[LAUGHS] DON'T WORRY, FOLKS. HE WON'T HURT YOU.

DON'T WORRY, FOLKS. HE WON'T HURT YOU. THIS IS MY ASSISTANT.

HE WON'T HURT YOU. THIS IS MY ASSISTANT. HE'S VICE PRESIDENT OF

THIS IS MY ASSISTANT. HE'S VICE PRESIDENT OF TROJAN HORSE SECURITY.

HE'S VICE PRESIDENT OF TROJAN HORSE SECURITY. HIS NAME IS HARVEY MORGOMASTER.

TROJAN HORSE SECURITY. HIS NAME IS HARVEY MORGOMASTER. AND HARVEY, LIKE MYSELF, IS A

HIS NAME IS HARVEY MORGOMASTER. AND HARVEY, LIKE MYSELF, IS A SECURITY EXPERT.

AND HARVEY, LIKE MYSELF, IS A SECURITY EXPERT. HE WORKED IN THE ARMY AS A

SECURITY EXPERT. HE WORKED IN THE ARMY AS A CAMOUFLAGE ARTIST, PAINTING THE

HE WORKED IN THE ARMY AS A CAMOUFLAGE ARTIST, PAINTING THE INSIDE OF PAYROLL VAULTS.

CAMOUFLAGE ARTIST, PAINTING THE INSIDE OF PAYROLL VAULTS. MR. AND MRS. KROMER, WE OFFER A

INSIDE OF PAYROLL VAULTS. MR. AND MRS. KROMER, WE OFFER A TOTAL-SECURITY PROTECTION PLAN

MR. AND MRS. KROMER, WE OFFER A TOTAL-SECURITY PROTECTION PLAN FOR YOUR FAMILY AND HOME... FOR

TOTAL-SECURITY PROTECTION PLAN FOR YOUR FAMILY AND HOME... FOR INSTANCE, THE TPFLM SYSTEM.

FOR YOUR FAMILY AND HOME... FOR INSTANCE, THE TPFLM SYSTEM. TPFLM?

INSTANCE, THE TPFLM SYSTEM. TPFLM? TACTICALLY POSITIONED

TPFLM? TACTICALLY POSITIONED FRONT-LAWN MINES.

TACTICALLY POSITIONED FRONT-LAWN MINES. OR... HOW ABOUT THESE REC-ROOM

FRONT-LAWN MINES. OR... HOW ABOUT THESE REC-ROOM SEARCHLIGHTS, COLOR-COORDINATED

OR... HOW ABOUT THESE REC-ROOM SEARCHLIGHTS, COLOR-COORDINATED FOR FASHIONABLE SURVEILLANCE?

SEARCHLIGHTS, COLOR-COORDINATED FOR FASHIONABLE SURVEILLANCE? AND... FOR TOTAL PROTECTION IN

FOR FASHIONABLE SURVEILLANCE? AND... FOR TOTAL PROTECTION IN THE BATHROOM, TOILET-BOWL

AND... FOR TOTAL PROTECTION IN THE BATHROOM, TOILET-BOWL PIRANHA.

THE BATHROOM, TOILET-BOWL PIRANHA. IT'S A TOOTHY SURPRISE FOR THE

PIRANHA. IT'S A TOOTHY SURPRISE FOR THE THIEF WHO CRAVES RELIEF,

IT'S A TOOTHY SURPRISE FOR THE THIEF WHO CRAVES RELIEF, MR. KROMER.

THIEF WHO CRAVES RELIEF, MR. KROMER. WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.

MR. KROMER. WELL, WAIT A MINUTE. IF WE HAVE OUR... OUR LAWN

WELL, WAIT A MINUTE. IF WE HAVE OUR... OUR LAWN MINED, WHAT DO WE NEED THIS

IF WE HAVE OUR... OUR LAWN MINED, WHAT DO WE NEED THIS STUFF INSIDE THE HOUSE FOR?

MINED, WHAT DO WE NEED THIS STUFF INSIDE THE HOUSE FOR? OKAY. OKAY.

STUFF INSIDE THE HOUSE FOR? OKAY. OKAY. THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION.

OKAY. OKAY. THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION. I'M GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION

THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION. I'M GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION NOW.

I'M GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION NOW. IN THE EVENT OF A RADIOACTIVE

NOW. IN THE EVENT OF A RADIOACTIVE FIRESTORM, HOW SECURE ARE YOUR

IN THE EVENT OF A RADIOACTIVE FIRESTORM, HOW SECURE ARE YOUR FOODSTUFFS?

FIRESTORM, HOW SECURE ARE YOUR FOODSTUFFS? OH, WE HAVE A FRIDGE.

FOODSTUFFS? OH, WE HAVE A FRIDGE. OKAY. I'M GONNA ASK YOU TO

OH, WE HAVE A FRIDGE. OKAY. I'M GONNA ASK YOU TO HELP ME IN A SMALL

OKAY. I'M GONNA ASK YOU TO HELP ME IN A SMALL DEMONSTRATION OF SECURITY

HELP ME IN A SMALL DEMONSTRATION OF SECURITY TECHNIQUE.

DEMONSTRATION OF SECURITY TECHNIQUE. IF YOU COULD GO INTO YOUR

TECHNIQUE. IF YOU COULD GO INTO YOUR KITCHEN NOW AND GET ME A TOMATO.

IF YOU COULD GO INTO YOUR KITCHEN NOW AND GET ME A TOMATO. TOMATO?

KITCHEN NOW AND GET ME A TOMATO. TOMATO? YEAH, JUST A COMMON HOUSEHOLD

TOMATO? YEAH, JUST A COMMON HOUSEHOLD TOMATO... GREEN, RED... I DON'T

YEAH, JUST A COMMON HOUSEHOLD TOMATO... GREEN, RED... I DON'T CARE... RIPE, UNRIPE...

TOMATO... GREEN, RED... I DON'T CARE... RIPE, UNRIPE... OKAY.

CARE... RIPE, UNRIPE... OKAY. AAH! AAH! AAH!

OKAY. AAH! AAH! AAH! SEE HOW FRIGHTENING THAT WAS,

AAH! AAH! AAH! SEE HOW FRIGHTENING THAT WAS, HOW EFFECTIVE THAT WAS IN

SEE HOW FRIGHTENING THAT WAS, HOW EFFECTIVE THAT WAS IN STOPPING YOU?

HOW EFFECTIVE THAT WAS IN STOPPING YOU? RELAX. JUST BLANKS.

STOPPING YOU? RELAX. JUST BLANKS. JUST A DEMONSTRATION.

RELAX. JUST BLANKS. JUST A DEMONSTRATION. SIT DOWN.

JUST A DEMONSTRATION. SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN. HERE. HANG ONTO THIS CHUNK.

SIT DOWN. HERE. HANG ONTO THIS CHUNK. FEELS GOOD, DOESN'T IT?

HERE. HANG ONTO THIS CHUNK. FEELS GOOD, DOESN'T IT? I WANT TO TALK TO YOU,

FEELS GOOD, DOESN'T IT? I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, MRS. KROMER.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, MRS. KROMER. MY BRIEFCASE, PLEASE, HARVEY.

MRS. KROMER. MY BRIEFCASE, PLEASE, HARVEY. MRS. KROMER, SAY A CRIMINAL

MY BRIEFCASE, PLEASE, HARVEY. MRS. KROMER, SAY A CRIMINAL ENTERED YOUR KITCHEN WITH THE

MRS. KROMER, SAY A CRIMINAL ENTERED YOUR KITCHEN WITH THE INTENT OF PREPARING AN ILLICIT

ENTERED YOUR KITCHEN WITH THE INTENT OF PREPARING AN ILLICIT PIECE OF TOAST.

INTENT OF PREPARING AN ILLICIT PIECE OF TOAST. TOAST?

PIECE OF TOAST. TOAST? TOAST.

TOAST? TOAST. ONLY WE OFFER THE CRISPO-CRUST

TOAST. ONLY WE OFFER THE CRISPO-CRUST SELF-DETONATING FRAGMENTATION

ONLY WE OFFER THE CRISPO-CRUST SELF-DETONATING FRAGMENTATION TOASTER...

SELF-DETONATING FRAGMENTATION TOASTER... OR THIS HANDY .357 MAGNUM

TOASTER... OR THIS HANDY .357 MAGNUM MIXMASTER.

OR THIS HANDY .357 MAGNUM MIXMASTER. COMES IN THE AVOCADO GREEN?

MIXMASTER. COMES IN THE AVOCADO GREEN? YES, AND HARVEST GOLD.

COMES IN THE AVOCADO GREEN? YES, AND HARVEST GOLD. LOVELY.

YES, AND HARVEST GOLD. LOVELY. HERE WE HAVE THE

LOVELY. HERE WE HAVE THE SANDWICH-SENSITIVE HOT-PLATE

HERE WE HAVE THE SANDWICH-SENSITIVE HOT-PLATE LASER.

SANDWICH-SENSITIVE HOT-PLATE LASER. OH, VERY NICE.

LASER. OH, VERY NICE. I'M GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION,

OH, VERY NICE. I'M GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION, MR. KROMER.

I'M GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION, MR. KROMER. I WANT YOU TO ANSWER ME QUITE

MR. KROMER. I WANT YOU TO ANSWER ME QUITE HONESTLY.

I WANT YOU TO ANSWER ME QUITE HONESTLY. WOULD YOU WANT YOUR WIFE TO BE

HONESTLY. WOULD YOU WANT YOUR WIFE TO BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED IN HER OWN

WOULD YOU WANT YOUR WIFE TO BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED IN HER OWN KITCHEN?

SEXUALLY ASSAULTED IN HER OWN KITCHEN? WHY, NO, OF COURSE NOT.

KITCHEN? WHY, NO, OF COURSE NOT. MRS. KROMER, WOULD YOU WANT

WHY, NO, OF COURSE NOT. MRS. KROMER, WOULD YOU WANT TO BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED IN YOUR

MRS. KROMER, WOULD YOU WANT TO BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED IN YOUR OWN KITCHEN?

TO BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED IN YOUR OWN KITCHEN? WELL, IT WOULD DEPEND ON WHO

OWN KITCHEN? WELL, IT WOULD DEPEND ON WHO THE PERSON...

WELL, IT WOULD DEPEND ON WHO THE PERSON... UH, LOOK, MR. KROMER, HOW

THE PERSON... UH, LOOK, MR. KROMER, HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY TO KEEP YOUR

UH, LOOK, MR. KROMER, HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY TO KEEP YOUR FAMILY SAFE?

MUCH WOULD YOU PAY TO KEEP YOUR FAMILY SAFE? WOULD YOU PAY, SAY, $2 MILLION

FAMILY SAFE? WOULD YOU PAY, SAY, $2 MILLION IF YOU HAD IT?

WOULD YOU PAY, SAY, $2 MILLION IF YOU HAD IT? WELL, YEAH.

IF YOU HAD IT? WELL, YEAH. IF I HAD IT, YEAH.

WELL, YEAH. IF I HAD IT, YEAH. OR $1 MILLION IF YOU HAD IT?

IF I HAD IT, YEAH. OR $1 MILLION IF YOU HAD IT? SURE. IF I HAD A MILLION,

OR $1 MILLION IF YOU HAD IT? SURE. IF I HAD A MILLION, YEAH, SURE.

SURE. IF I HAD A MILLION, YEAH, SURE. HAVE YOU GOT $499.99?

YEAH, SURE. HAVE YOU GOT $499.99? HONEY, WE WERE SAVING THAT

HAVE YOU GOT $499.99? HONEY, WE WERE SAVING THAT MONEY.

HONEY, WE WERE SAVING THAT MONEY. WE WERE?

MONEY. WE WERE? I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW HOW

WE WERE? I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW HOW UNSAFE YOUR FAMILY REALLY IS.

I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW HOW UNSAFE YOUR FAMILY REALLY IS. FOR INSTANCE, WHERE'S YOUR

UNSAFE YOUR FAMILY REALLY IS. FOR INSTANCE, WHERE'S YOUR SON, UH...

FOR INSTANCE, WHERE'S YOUR SON, UH... RONNIE.

SON, UH... RONNIE. RONNIE RIGHT NOW?

RONNIE. RONNIE RIGHT NOW? WELL, HE'S OUTSIDE, PLAYING

RONNIE RIGHT NOW? WELL, HE'S OUTSIDE, PLAYING IN THE YARD.

WELL, HE'S OUTSIDE, PLAYING IN THE YARD. HELLO.

IN THE YARD. HELLO. FRANK, PUT THE KID ON, WILL YOU?

HELLO. FRANK, PUT THE KID ON, WILL YOU? WE'LL TAKE IT!

FRANK, PUT THE KID ON, WILL YOU? WE'LL TAKE IT! WE'LL TAKE IT!

WE'LL TAKE IT! WE'LL TAKE IT! OKAY, LET THE KID GO.

WE'LL TAKE IT! OKAY, LET THE KID GO. I'M GLAD YOU DECIDED TO.

OKAY, LET THE KID GO. I'M GLAD YOU DECIDED TO. YOU'RE GONNA SIGN RIGHT HERE.

I'M GLAD YOU DECIDED TO. YOU'RE GONNA SIGN RIGHT HERE. WE HAVE THE CONTRACTS DRAWN UP.

YOU'RE GONNA SIGN RIGHT HERE. WE HAVE THE CONTRACTS DRAWN UP. AS A BONUS TO YOU HERE, WE HAVE

WE HAVE THE CONTRACTS DRAWN UP. AS A BONUS TO YOU HERE, WE HAVE THE...

AS A BONUS TO YOU HERE, WE HAVE THE... [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IN THE DAWN OF CIVILIZATION, LONG BEFORE THE BRONZE AGE, MAN FIRST BEGAN HIS SEARCH FOR THE

LONG BEFORE THE BRONZE AGE, MAN FIRST BEGAN HIS SEARCH FOR THE CLOSE SHAVE.

FIRST BEGAN HIS SEARCH FOR THE CLOSE SHAVE. [DOINK!]

CLOSE SHAVE. [DOINK!] SINCE THEN, MAN HAS BEEN

[DOINK!] SINCE THEN, MAN HAS BEEN ARDENTLY STRIVING TO DESIGN THE

SINCE THEN, MAN HAS BEEN ARDENTLY STRIVING TO DESIGN THE PERFECT SHAVING INSTRUMENT, FROM

ARDENTLY STRIVING TO DESIGN THE PERFECT SHAVING INSTRUMENT, FROM THE STRAIGHT RAZOR TO THE SAFETY

PERFECT SHAVING INSTRUMENT, FROM THE STRAIGHT RAZOR TO THE SAFETY RAZOR TO THE INJECTOR SYSTEM,

THE STRAIGHT RAZOR TO THE SAFETY RAZOR TO THE INJECTOR SYSTEM, AND, FINALLY, THE HIGHLY

RAZOR TO THE INJECTOR SYSTEM, AND, FINALLY, THE HIGHLY ACCLAIMED TWIN-BLADE CARTRIDGE.

AND, FINALLY, THE HIGHLY ACCLAIMED TWIN-BLADE CARTRIDGE. ALMOST PERFECT, YET NOT QUITE

ACCLAIMED TWIN-BLADE CARTRIDGE. ALMOST PERFECT, YET NOT QUITE THE SUPERLATIVE GROOM.

ALMOST PERFECT, YET NOT QUITE THE SUPERLATIVE GROOM. INTRODUCING... THE TRIPLE-TRAC.

THE SUPERLATIVE GROOM. INTRODUCING... THE TRIPLE-TRAC. [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

INTRODUCING... THE TRIPLE-TRAC. [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] NOT JUST TWO BLADES IN ONE

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] NOT JUST TWO BLADES IN ONE SYSTEM, BUT THREE

NOT JUST TWO BLADES IN ONE SYSTEM, BUT THREE STAINLESS-PLATINUM,

SYSTEM, BUT THREE STAINLESS-PLATINUM, TEFLEX-COATED BLADES MELDED

STAINLESS-PLATINUM, TEFLEX-COATED BLADES MELDED TOGETHER TO FORM ONE INCREDIBLE

TEFLEX-COATED BLADES MELDED TOGETHER TO FORM ONE INCREDIBLE SHAVING CARTRIDGE, EASILY FITTED

TOGETHER TO FORM ONE INCREDIBLE SHAVING CARTRIDGE, EASILY FITTED INTO YOUR OLD TWIN-BLADE HOLDER.

SHAVING CARTRIDGE, EASILY FITTED INTO YOUR OLD TWIN-BLADE HOLDER. TRIPLE-TRAC'S TRIPLE-THREAT

INTO YOUR OLD TWIN-BLADE HOLDER. TRIPLE-TRAC'S TRIPLE-THREAT CARTRIDGE, WITH MORE CLOSE

TRIPLE-TRAC'S TRIPLE-THREAT CARTRIDGE, WITH MORE CLOSE SHAVES THAN EVER BEFORE.

CARTRIDGE, WITH MORE CLOSE SHAVES THAN EVER BEFORE. HERE'S HOW IT WORKS... THE FIRST

SHAVES THAN EVER BEFORE. HERE'S HOW IT WORKS... THE FIRST BLADE GRABS AT THE WHISKER,

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS... THE FIRST BLADE GRABS AT THE WHISKER, TUGGING IT AWAY FROM YOUR FACE

BLADE GRABS AT THE WHISKER, TUGGING IT AWAY FROM YOUR FACE TO PROTECT IT FROM THE SECOND

TUGGING IT AWAY FROM YOUR FACE TO PROTECT IT FROM THE SECOND BLADE.

TO PROTECT IT FROM THE SECOND BLADE. BLADE NUMBER TWO CATCHES AND

BLADE. BLADE NUMBER TWO CATCHES AND DIGS INTO THE STUBBLE BEFORE IT

BLADE NUMBER TWO CATCHES AND DIGS INTO THE STUBBLE BEFORE IT HAS THE CHANCE TO SNAP BACK AND

DIGS INTO THE STUBBLE BEFORE IT HAS THE CHANCE TO SNAP BACK AND INJURE YOU, PULLING IT FARTHER

HAS THE CHANCE TO SNAP BACK AND INJURE YOU, PULLING IT FARTHER OUT SO THAT IT IS NOW READY FOR

INJURE YOU, PULLING IT FARTHER OUT SO THAT IT IS NOW READY FOR SHEARING.

OUT SO THAT IT IS NOW READY FOR SHEARING. TRIPLE-TRAC'S THIRD BLADE, A

SHEARING. TRIPLE-TRAC'S THIRD BLADE, A FINELY HONED BONDED-PLATINUM

TRIPLE-TRAC'S THIRD BLADE, A FINELY HONED BONDED-PLATINUM INSTRUMENT, CUTS CLEANLY THROUGH

FINELY HONED BONDED-PLATINUM INSTRUMENT, CUTS CLEANLY THROUGH THE WHISKER AT ITS BASE, LEAVING

INSTRUMENT, CUTS CLEANLY THROUGH THE WHISKER AT ITS BASE, LEAVING YOUR FACE AS SMOOTH AS A

THE WHISKER AT ITS BASE, LEAVING YOUR FACE AS SMOOTH AS A BILLIARD BALL.

YOUR FACE AS SMOOTH AS A BILLIARD BALL. THE TRIPLE-TRAC... BECAUSE

BILLIARD BALL. THE TRIPLE-TRAC... BECAUSE YOU'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING.

THE TRIPLE-TRAC... BECAUSE YOU'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] YEAH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] YEAH. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I

YEAH. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I SURE COULD LISTEN TO JANIS IAN

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I SURE COULD LISTEN TO JANIS IAN ONE MORE TIME, HUH?

SURE COULD LISTEN TO JANIS IAN ONE MORE TIME, HUH? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ONE MORE TIME, HUH? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [JANIS IAN'S "IN THE WINTER"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [JANIS IAN'S "IN THE WINTER" PLAYS]

[JANIS IAN'S "IN THE WINTER" PLAYS] ♪ THE DAYS ARE OKAY ♪

[PLAYS] ♪ THE DAYS ARE OKAY ♪ ♪ I WATCH THE TV IN THE

♪ THE DAYS ARE OKAY ♪ ♪ I WATCH THE TV IN THE AFTERNOONS ♪

♪ I WATCH THE TV IN THE AFTERNOONS ♪ ♪ IF I GET LONELY,

AFTERNOONS ♪ ♪ IF I GET LONELY, THE SOUND OF OTHER VOICES, OTHER

♪ IF I GET LONELY, THE SOUND OF OTHER VOICES, OTHER ROOMS, ARE NEAR TO ME ♪

THE SOUND OF OTHER VOICES, OTHER ROOMS, ARE NEAR TO ME ♪ ♪ I'M NOT AFRAID ♪

ROOMS, ARE NEAR TO ME ♪ ♪ I'M NOT AFRAID ♪ ♪ THE OPERATOR ♪

♪ I'M NOT AFRAID ♪ ♪ THE OPERATOR ♪ ♪ SHE TELLS THE TIME ♪

♪ THE OPERATOR ♪ ♪ SHE TELLS THE TIME ♪ ♪ IT'S GOOD FOR A LAUGH ♪

♪ SHE TELLS THE TIME ♪ ♪ IT'S GOOD FOR A LAUGH ♪ ♪ THERE'S ALWAYS RADIO ♪

♪ IT'S GOOD FOR A LAUGH ♪ ♪ THERE'S ALWAYS RADIO ♪ ♪ AND FOR A DIME, I CAN TALK TO

♪ THERE'S ALWAYS RADIO ♪ ♪ AND FOR A DIME, I CAN TALK TO GOD ♪

♪ AND FOR A DIME, I CAN TALK TO GOD ♪ ♪ DIAL-A-PRAYER ♪

GOD ♪ ♪ DIAL-A-PRAYER ♪ ♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪

♪ DIAL-A-PRAYER ♪ ♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪ ♪ DO YOU CARE? ♪

♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪ ♪ DO YOU CARE? ♪ ♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪

♪ DO YOU CARE? ♪ ♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪ ♪ AND IN THE WINTER, EXTRA

♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪ ♪ AND IN THE WINTER, EXTRA BLANKETS FOR THE COLD ♪

♪ AND IN THE WINTER, EXTRA BLANKETS FOR THE COLD ♪ ♪ FIX THE HEATER, GETTING OLD ♪

BLANKETS FOR THE COLD ♪ ♪ FIX THE HEATER, GETTING OLD ♪ ♪ I AM WISER NOW, YOU KNOW,

♪ FIX THE HEATER, GETTING OLD ♪ ♪ I AM WISER NOW, YOU KNOW, AND STILL AS BIG A FOOL

♪ I AM WISER NOW, YOU KNOW, AND STILL AS BIG A FOOL CONCERNING YOU ♪

AND STILL AS BIG A FOOL CONCERNING YOU ♪ ♪ I MET YOUR FRIEND ♪

CONCERNING YOU ♪ ♪ I MET YOUR FRIEND ♪ ♪ SHE'S VERY NICE ♪

♪ I MET YOUR FRIEND ♪ ♪ SHE'S VERY NICE ♪ ♪ WHAT CAN I SAY? ♪

♪ IT WAS AN ACCIDENT ♪ ♪ I NEVER DREAMED WE'D MEET AGAIN THIS WAY ♪

♪ I NEVER DREAMED WE'D MEET AGAIN THIS WAY ♪ ♪ YOU'RE LOOKING WELL ♪

AGAIN THIS WAY ♪ ♪ YOU'RE LOOKING WELL ♪ ♪ I'M NOT AFRAID ♪

♪ YOU'RE LOOKING WELL ♪ ♪ I'M NOT AFRAID ♪ ♪ YOU HAVE A LOVELY HOME,

♪ I'M NOT AFRAID ♪ ♪ YOU HAVE A LOVELY HOME, JUST LIKE A PICTURE ♪

♪ YOU HAVE A LOVELY HOME, JUST LIKE A PICTURE ♪ ♪ NO, I LIVE ALONE ♪

JUST LIKE A PICTURE ♪ ♪ NO, I LIVE ALONE ♪ ♪ I FOUND IT EASIER ♪

♪ NO, I LIVE ALONE ♪ ♪ I FOUND IT EASIER ♪ ♪ YOU MUST REMEMBER HOW I NEVER

♪ I FOUND IT EASIER ♪ ♪ YOU MUST REMEMBER HOW I NEVER LIKED THE PARTY LIFE ♪

♪ YOU MUST REMEMBER HOW I NEVER LIKED THE PARTY LIFE ♪ ♪ UP ALL NIGHT ♪

LIKED THE PARTY LIFE ♪ ♪ UP ALL NIGHT ♪ ♪ LOVELY WIFE ♪

♪ UP ALL NIGHT ♪ ♪ LOVELY WIFE ♪ ♪ YOU HAVE A LOVELY WIFE ♪

♪ LOVELY WIFE ♪ ♪ YOU HAVE A LOVELY WIFE ♪ ♪ AND IN THE WINTER, EXTRA

♪ YOU HAVE A LOVELY WIFE ♪ ♪ AND IN THE WINTER, EXTRA BLANKETS FOR THE COLD ♪

♪ AND IN THE WINTER, EXTRA BLANKETS FOR THE COLD ♪ ♪ FIX THE HEATER, GETTING OLD ♪

BLANKETS FOR THE COLD ♪ ♪ FIX THE HEATER, GETTING OLD ♪ ♪ YOU ARE WITH HER NOW, I KNOW ♪

♪ FIX THE HEATER, GETTING OLD ♪ ♪ YOU ARE WITH HER NOW, I KNOW ♪ ♪ I'LL LIVE ALONE FOREVER ♪

♪ YOU ARE WITH HER NOW, I KNOW ♪ ♪ I'LL LIVE ALONE FOREVER ♪ ♪ NOT TOGETHER NOW ♪

♪ I'LL LIVE ALONE FOREVER ♪ ♪ NOT TOGETHER NOW ♪ ♪ OOOH-OOOOOOH ♪

♪ NOT TOGETHER NOW ♪ ♪ OOOH-OOOOOOH ♪ [FINALE PLAYS]

♪ OOOH-OOOOOOH ♪ [FINALE PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU ALL FOR HAVING SOME LIVE FUN WITH US... YOU AT HOME AND EVERYBODY

FOR HAVING SOME LIVE FUN WITH US... YOU AT HOME AND EVERYBODY HERE... AND WANT TO THANK ALL

US... YOU AT HOME AND EVERYBODY HERE... AND WANT TO THANK ALL THE GUESTS, OF COURSE...

HERE... AND WANT TO THANK ALL THE GUESTS, OF COURSE... JANIS IAN, BILLY PRESTON,

THE GUESTS, OF COURSE... JANIS IAN, BILLY PRESTON, ALBERT BROOKS, THE MUPPETS,

JANIS IAN, BILLY PRESTON, ALBERT BROOKS, THE MUPPETS, VALRI BROMFIELD,

ALBERT BROOKS, THE MUPPETS, VALRI BROMFIELD, ANDY KAUFMAN, THE

VALRI BROMFIELD, ANDY KAUFMAN, THE NOT-QUITE-READY-FOR-PRIMETIME

ANDY KAUFMAN, THE NOT-QUITE-READY-FOR-PRIMETIME PLAYERS, AND EVERYONE WHO TOOK

NOT-QUITE-READY-FOR-PRIMETIME PLAYERS, AND EVERYONE WHO TOOK PART IN THIS.

PLAYERS, AND EVERYONE WHO TOOK PART IN THIS. AND I WOULD NOT BE SENSIBLE AND

PART IN THIS. AND I WOULD NOT BE SENSIBLE AND SANE IF I DIDN'T TELL YOU I GOT

AND I WOULD NOT BE SENSIBLE AND SANE IF I DIDN'T TELL YOU I GOT A BRAND-NEW ALBUM THIS WEEK.

SANE IF I DIDN'T TELL YOU I GOT A BRAND-NEW ALBUM THIS WEEK. I HOPE YOU'LL SEE IT.

A BRAND-NEW ALBUM THIS WEEK. I HOPE YOU'LL SEE IT. THANK YOU. BYE-BYE.

I HOPE YOU'LL SEE IT. THANK YOU. BYE-BYE. [BAND PLAYS]

THANK YOU. BYE-BYE. [BAND PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]