Original subtitles

God's grace, brother. I'll come later, yeah?!

God's grace, brother, nothing for the convent?

What can I give you? I can shoe your mule.

It already is shoed. God's grace, brother.

Goodbye, father.

God's grace, sisters, anything for the convent?

- I don't have anything. - A few dimes for the poor?

- Always... Here. - Thank you.

- Take it - God's grace, sisters.

We'd have better given this money to Pasquale,..

.. he really need it! - Ah, but I don't understand,..

.. he slogs all day long, but can't feed his family.

What can I say, maybe he doesn't know how to treat his customers.

When his wife Provvidenza, may God rest her soul, was alive...

She helped him by doing the midwife.

Yeah, sure, she was more a midwife for herself!

- In 5 years, how many did she pour out? - 5 pairs of twins.

- Six pairs! - Six!

King Marzipan's cooks,..

.. trying to restore the sad Princess'apetite,..

.. brought her the most delicious courses.

The first cook made her a huge swallow liver pie,..

.. but the sad Princess didn't even cast it a single glance.

The second cook brought her a big cock with truffles,..

.. stuffed with sweet chestnuts,...

.. but the sad Princess threw it thourgh the window.

The third cook, brought her a big, enormous, roasted lamb..

.. covered in sweet peas, but the sad Princess gave it to the cat.

Sister Virginia! Don Manuel, your brother, has arrived.

Very well. At last, it's been a week I was waiting for him!

Go home, children, we'll finish the story tomorrow.

- When will we eat? - Let's go to daddy.

I'm hungry, daddy! I'm hungry, daddy!

And I, I'm not hungry?

If I deliver these shoes, we'll eat,..

.. otherwise we'll make another hole in the belt and strangle the belly.

Daddy, if you deliver the shoes, will you make us a liver pie?

- A what? - I want cock with truffles!

- I want the lamb! - The cake!

Who has taught all these dirty words?

- The sister from Monza. - So, the sister from Monza?

That dubious one!

How could she say such things to innocent souls?

Provvidenza, delightful wife,..

.. why have you left me alone in these valley of tears?

When you were alive, with your noble profession,..

.. you held the boat afloat! Now, it's I that must think about work.

Because, children, if you don't work, you don't eat!

- And the other way around... - ... you don't eat all the same.

How dare you, rotten son, to make such inuendos?

As punishment, you'll go to bed without eating.

- It's enough eating lunch... - O, so? Now, we have pretentions,..

.. eating twice a day, we want to have the bilunch.

Scram, go home! Go away, delinquents!

- My good man... - Your servant, your excellency.

- Are my shoes ready? - More than ready. We do them on the spot.

- Put my hat somewhere. - Wherever? - Yes. - There!

- So... - Well? Where are they?

Here. A little polish here and you can take them; a little polish...

Brilliant!

- Look. Smell the sole... - Yes, yes, they seem nice.

- You can mirror yourself! - Yes, it's not bad...

- Nobody works like me around here. - Yes, I've been told...

- It takes a whilw, but... - 5 scudi.

Hey, just a moment, just a moment! I want to try them first.

- Your Excellency doesn't trust me? - It's not that I don't trust you,..

.. but I want to see how they fit.

De gustibus...

Please, take these shoes off.

- Immediately. What shoes you're wearing... - What's the matter with them?

- If you permit me, it's a shame! - Why a shame?

A shame, upon my word of honour.

- These are not shoes, but deadwood. - But, mister,..

.. these are beautiful shoes, I've been wearing them for a year.

You should be ashamed by these shoes,..

.. it's I, a professional, telling you this. - Sure, sure. You're all the same.

Come on, take it off.

Ah, what rubbish, it nauseates me only to touch it.

- What are you doing, throwing them away? - Why, you want to keep it as a relic?

- But it's natural, not for throwing away. - For the name of God...

- All right, let's see this masterpiece... - A gentleman like yourself!

- Easy, easy. - You should go easy 'cause...

It won't come on?

The maestro's hand is needed...

- Please, let me work! - What do you mean?!

Every man has his job, I got my dignity. - But I...

It's me that can work in the square.

But... Ahi! - We're losing time?

I don't care, it's enough with that hammer.

I can't work like this.

Please, take my shoe off. Come on, it hurts terribly,..

.. I can't take it anymore. - Done.

- Ahi, ahi! What have you done? - Ah! What a foot!

- What does it mean? - It's a giant foot that you have!

- Let me look at it... - Well, look at it.

- It's a phenomenon! - What are you saying, it's normal!

- It's for the circus. - Are you joking!?

This here, sir, is a pig's foot.

I don't have to come here..

.. to be insulted by a cobbler.

And then, then... Don't you move!

- It doesn't come in. It doesn't come in. - It doesn't come in. It doesn't come in.

- It doesn't come in? - Of course not!

- The foot is bended. - No more hammer!

I have the dignity of a craftsman!

And I know what foot I have.

- I must finish the job. - Please, let the hammer alone!

- Aah! Not the hammer! - Grit your teeth, like this.

In your dreams! I didn't come to the dentist! Look here!

- Do you know you're handsome guy? - You're handsome!

Of course it didn't fit, don't you see this is a right one?

- It was the wrong foot. - No, shoe, you've made two right ones!

- O, yes? - Because you wanted two left one?

No, man, I wanted a left one, and a right one.

O, yes? And since they make two meters and two measurments?

What have you planned? You think you scare with the beard?

I got no beard, I depilate myself. Depilate yourself!

- Be patient... - But I'm wearing a beard beacause...

- I can't believe it! - Neither do I!

Hear me... you're not a clobber.

O, no, don't insult, be careful. I'm a specialized labourer!

- Specialized in what? - In making right shoes.

- Ah, the right one... - Have you understood?

I was partner with Mastro Nardo, then we quarrelled..

.. and he left with the left shoes lasts to Vigevano.

Then I have to go to Vigevano to have my left shoe made?

- If you want to, go. - Sure, I'll go like a cripple.

- No, go on hands and knees! - What are you rambling!

- Then shut up! Shut up! - You shut up!

- You must mend the shoe. - Freak!

- Who? - Who has his left foot at the right one. - Fag!

- How dare you? - Be a sport and scram.

Damn clobber! You'll pay for it! I'll denounce you

Daddy, there's a gentleman waiting for you at home.

- A regular? - No, never seen him!

A new client, then? Let's go!

- You are? - Good day.

Listen, if you've come for shoes, let's make it clear,..

.. 'cause I don't want no trouble. I only do right shoes.

If yoy like, fine, if not, leave! I...

- Easy, easy! - What do you mean 'easy'?

- Are you Pasquale Cicciacalda? - Cicciacalda, why?

Do you know you owe money to the entire county?

I know the ropes.

- You must pay: 5 scudi for the back pay of 2 years'rent... - I don't object.

...3 to the buthcer and 2 to the baker. 500 scudi in all.

How do you get 500 scudi? Five and two? Seven. Plus three? Ten.

- You get 500. 490 from what? - And the taxes? - What taxes?

- 490 is for one year of back pay taxes. - Oh, yes?

Who do you think you are? Ben Hur? Where will we end up?

It's about time to stop it, get it?

- Then, do you want to pay or not? - No.

- Why? - Why?

Two reasons: first: I don't have a lira,..

.. second: I'm dead in the water.

- Then you'll be banished from the county. - Me, banished?

Oh, yes? You're banishing a gentleman with 12 twins to feed?

The impost law is clear:

.. confiscation and selling of all property of the one in arrears.

- How did you call me? - In arrears.

Don't offend me, sir! I usually and by all laws..

.. am not in arrears, I'm a serious man, and a widower, got it, damn you?

Enough! No more talk. So,..

.. I, representative of the Impost etc...

.. I have gone to the house of one Pasquale Cicciacalda...

Why does Cicciacalda make you sick?

...and proceeded to the impoundment. I write and you dictate.

- Dictate what? - Describe the movables!

Vulture!

I begin with this, yes? Matrimonial bed for 12.

Historians assertit was used by Numa Pompilius in his youth.

- Value? - 100 scudi.

On this egyptian sommier for fornicating, the famous greek historian Esanofele,..

.. asserts in his works that the said sommier was used by Cleopatra..

.. at her first date with Marco and Antonio.

- Value? - 100 scudi.

This four legged stoll, made from the purest of coconuts,..

.. was the cause for many a heated argument among experts.

Some stubbornly argued that this stool was a Louis XVth,..

.. others agreed that it was a Louis XVIth.

I didn't follow neither of these, because for me..

.. this stool is an early Gaetano.

- Value? - 100 scudi.

Further, let's go further...

Murano chandelier, covered with bronzed gold, four sides, one light,..

.. unique. - Value? - 100 scudi.

Here we have..

.. bathroom fittings, toilet set for 12.

Exquisite Etruscan hand made china, IVth century..

- Value? - 200 scudi.

- Have you added up? How much is it? - According to your figures..

.. 600 scudi.

- 600? Then, I owe 500, isn't it? - Yes.

You owe me 100 scudi.

Are you making fun of me?

Remember I'm a public servant and I can arrest you!

Here everything stays impounded and you'll be banished from the county.

I? You jerk, you dimwitty,..

.. if you ever set foot again in this house I'll make you 2 eyes like this!

What have you said? What?

Say it again, if you have the guts! - Who has said what?

Look what happened...

Can I? God's grace, brother!

Anything for the poor?

When a mendicant friar comes begging you must give him something to eat..

.. for the poor.

Children, what was your poor mother's name?

Very good.

From this moment on you're Provvidenza's sons.

- Yes, father. - The hell, father!

I'm Fra' Pasquale..

.. and you should call me padre. - Yes, padre.

And remember...

- ... you must only open your mouth... - ... to eat.

Very good, let's go!

- God's grace, brother. - God's grace.

Do you want to give something for Provvidenza's sons?

- I'd like to, but I've nothing to give. - Not even a dime in your purse?

- You know, we accept anything. - No, not even a dime, my dear.

- Not even a dime? - No.

And you aren't ashamed to go around without a dime in your purse?

- And what if anything happens to you? - That's exactly what I was thinking.

When I saw you coming I said to myself: lucky he's coming,..

.. he'll give me somthing. - Don't say nonsense.

- What's your name, my son? - Mamozio!

Beautiful name Mamozio... Nice, nice.

- And what's your trade? - I'm a shepherd... Grazing!

- Shepherd? - And where's your flock?

The flock, I had it...

I had ten sheep, they were wonderful,..

.. but, you know how it is, hunger... I've eaten all ten.

How well I understand you, brother!

- And now, what are you doing? - Don't you see? I'm shepherding!

- You're shepherding? - Yes.

What are you shepherding? My dog.

- But it's no sheep. - Yes, but being with sheep,..

.. it got used to grazing! - Oh, yes?

And it'as really fat, isn't it? Nice legs.

Well, who can say how dog meat will taste?

Intelligent animal!

Padre, my dog ran away! What shall I do from now on?

- He was my only support. - Non dispair, my son!

The Providence provides everything. But, just a second,..

.. the dog was your support? - Yes, because, now and again,..

.. a hen would take care of my... - Be ashamed for telling me this!

Aren't you ashame of having a chicken-stealing dog? It's a crime!

A felony, a sin!

Then take me with you to the convent, padre.

- Do you want to redeem yourself, my son? - Yes.

Just a moment, I belong to no convent..

.. because I'm a wandering friar, a seeking friar, I seek.

- And I'll help you seek, I'm clever. - You're clever? - Yes.

- Upon your word? - Eh...

All right, I'm goin'to take you with me; I make you a tertiary,..

.. got it? I'll apoint you,..

.. my assistant. Satisfied? - Thank you.

We are 13, and 13 is unlucky for me.

With you we are 14, and 14 means bad luck to me all the same,..

.. and so does 15, 16, etc, it can't get worse than this.

Let's go! Battalion, forward... march!

We're hungry! We're hungry!

Silence! How shameful to say you're hungry, that would be the last straw.

At your age, hunger is an opinion,..

.. you need to fast, fast does you good.

Come, go and play.

And don't eat the poppies..

.. they make you sleep.

But tell me, is it possible that you, who says you were born around here,..

.. in this country, don't know a hospitable house...

...where they could water us, fodder us, provision us, etc...?

You see, this is a poor county. You know where we could try?

- At the cursed castle. - What did you say?

- Cursed castle. - Cursed castle?

The De Lattanzis castle...

I've heard there is a good, charitable Marchioness...

- Oh, is it? - But the Marquis is mean.

- Who's the Marquis, the husband? - No, the husband is dead.

And if he's dead, how can he be mean?

No, it's not the dead that's mean, it's the living one.

But is he alive or dead? He's half dead and half alive?

- No, that one- - Are you going to explain yourself?

- That's the brother-in-law. - Ah, the brother-in-law Marquis!

- The husband's brother? - Yes. - At last.

- And where's this castle? - Eh, it's far away from here.

- Far away? - Eh, yes. - It's a long walk?

I have to tell you. Ab torto collo, but I must say it.

I resent that you've hidden from me for too many months your condition.

Nine months almost, nine! And I can count, I'm a Marquis!

At this point, there's nothing that can be done, dear Fiorenzina,..

...it's time to settle our problems. - Prove it if you can!

I? The bastard you're close to giving birth to will...

.. and the, I don't know if you follow me, my dear I...

If it's for the wealth of your brother,..

...I'm ready to give you everything. - Thank you for the sweet concessions!

But when I'll have the proof of your tabgible guilt,..

.. that wealt will be mine by right.

But don't you understand I don't want the fortune?

It's not the fortune! It's not the fortune that I want!

Then what is it that you want?

Ah, we haven't understood nothing here.

Then all my courting was in vain?

Is it possible you've never noticed me?

Who, who was teasing you during your walks on the m ain tower? I!

Who was looking at you at table with concupiscent eyes,..

.. you on one side, I on the other and said:"Fiore'! Fiore'!". Who? I!

And when you exhibited yourself at night to feel the cold breeze...

...whom did you find outside, hanging on the ivy like a spider, three storey high?

Who was that spider? I, a spider in love.

It's your love that I want, Fiorenza, it's your love that I want!

Never!

My hatred, Don Egidio, all my hatred.

Eh... fine Fiore', don't be like that, I love you.

And I know it's hatred for now,..

.. but when you'll have known me completely, intimately...

.. then I'm sure that your hatred will become love for me!

Don't you understand? I wante you, I have always wanted you...

...since you've married that quel potty brother of mine.

And now, if you want, I can save you from shame and dishonour.

- At what price? - Well, marrying you.

- Never! - Careful, now you like a pig!

I'm a Marquis, but only up to a certain point.

If I lose it, I drop the title..

.. and reveal my entire vulgarity!

Do you want me vulgar? No, it's not true that you want me vulgar.

Come here, convince yourself, but understand that by marrying me

...you'll be master here again and your son will be my son?

Where'd you find a fool who'd burden himself with another man's son?

Come on, honey, tell me yes. Well, what do you say? Say yes.

I say I'd rather kill myself,..

.. then be touched by your filthy hands! - Filthy?

Hey, I wash myself in the morning!

Not only am I a Marquis, but I also wash myself.

I wash and I feel you. I feel you were I want and like, where I -

- How dare you?! Let me go! - All right,..

.. I let you go because you've mortified me. But I'll force to say yes.

You should know I still have my servants, and they love me and will help me.

The servants! But you don't know, my little doll, you don't know:

.. I fired them all, the servants, they didn't serve me at nothing.

You're alone now, in my power. You'll not be able to communicate with anyone.

In fact, you know what I'll do? watch what I'm doing:

.. I'm taking everything away, paper, inkpot and feather.

With what will you communicate now? Eh? With what?

You can communicate with Checco... Well, I've fired him also.

That one really didn't wash, lecherous servant. And I fired him.

I'll manage to let someone know that I'm held here,..

.. your prisoner. - Whom? The bastard's father?

Yes, himself, and you'll pay the retribution for your evil deeds.

Retribution! Listen, let's not mention retribution... it's better I don't speak.

I'm Egidio De Lattanzis and I accuse!

The retribution! Retribution of a... The retribution...

Come on, get moving, out, out!

I don't want to leave, I can't abandon my Lady.

Don't make us use force. Go away on your will...

- Oh, yes? - I must be calm...

Jerk, now you're getting beaten even by women!

Please, don't send me away! The Marchioness needs me,..

.. she needs my services.

What services does the Marchioness need?

There are my men to serve the Marchioness.

But what can men do in her condition?

In what condition? An expectant condition, isn't it?

- I didn't say that. - Yes, you did. - No!

She's going to have a child, my sister-in-law, and I know it.

But when the moment will come,..

.. no one wil hide the fruit of her sin because she'll be alone!

- Why are you eavesdropping, moron, why? - Ah, what hit on the head!

- Take care of getting her out! - Yes. - Get her out! - No, Marquis!

She has busted my foot, this two-bit servant!

- Brother Mamozio! - Si?

- This is the castle! - Are you sure?

What do you mean?

This is the the castle we are looking for, understand?

The Marquis De Lattanzis' castle.

Wait:

.. Oh, Provvidenza, to knock or not to knock?

Will they greet us open-hearted, or with kicks in our butts?

Give me a sign, enlighten me! Only one sign!

- Good, good. - How come good?

- Rejoice! - How come rejoice?

- This is a sign from Provvidenza! - Rather a hit from Provvidenza!

- No, a sign. - Damn it, look at this!

- It's silver. - Yes? - Damn it, this is silver!

What does it say? You read it, I don't see to well.

I have a short-sighted eye and the other one is borrowed. You read!

- "I'm the prisoner of my brother-in-law. Help me, good soul... - That's me?

"... free me and you'll receive 1000 gold fiorini. The castle Lady. "

- And who's the castle Lady? - She must be the castle Lord's wife.

Eh, sure. "Sure", my foot! The castle Lady should be the master of the castle.

- The master of the castle, the castle Lady... - Yes.

Know what? I'll free her!

- Free who? - The castle Lady.

Yes? And the mean Marquis, what do we do with him?

Big deal. And the 1000 fiorini, where do you put it?

I, for 1000 fiorini, I free ten good Marchionesses..

.. from twenty bad Marquises. - And how do you get in?

Well... We need an idea.

- I know! - Yes.

- As soon as it dusks... - Yes.

Who can be at this hour?

because he doesn't know where to go.

Virgola, go see who's there!

Satan, Satan, when I come, From my path you must be gone;..

.. If I come and you don't go, Curse on you for evermore!

Satan, Satan, when I come, From my path you must be gone;..

.. If I come and you don't go, Curse on you for evermore!

Satan, Satan, when I come, From my path you must be gone;..

.. If I come and you don't go, Curse on you for evermore!

Satan, Satan, when I come, From my path you must be gone;..

.. If I come and you don't go, Curse on you for evermore!

In piatto cupo poco pepe cape.

- Liberamus castello spiriti maligni. - Liberamus!

Enough!? What do you want? Where are you going?

- Excuse me, brother, do you know latin? - No.

Then don't interrupt, and afterwards I'll explain everything.

- Acqua, acqua cupa... - Oh, come on, scram!

With those hands! You do not touch me!

Understood?

I don't allow to be laid hands upon.

I'm a saint monk in his performing his duty.

- No one can enter the castle. - Says who?

- Say we. - And who might you be?

- We are the soldiers! - What are they?

- He said they are the soldiers. - And we, we are what, the suckers?

- All in all - - Whar are you doing? Stop it, fools!

Is this the way to treat guests?

You've been in my service for years, will you never learn?

- Leave them holy monks alone. - Your Excellency, they were trying -

- Shut it! - Shut it! - Shut it!

- No, I say shut it. - And what should we say? - Nothing.

- No problem. - I'll... - What are you doing?

These holy monks arrived at the right moment,..

.. that's why I grant them free access.

- I didn't understand. - Free access.

- Thank you. Do you need it? - Not I. - Me neither, after, if needed...

I'm really mortified, brother,..

.. by the dmnaed beast has received you!

Know that you are welcome in Marquis' De Lattanzis castle.

- Thank you, Marshal. - I'm no Marshal, I'm a Marquis!

- Oh, I'm sorry... - Just ask, brothers,..

.. and you'll get everything you want. - After, if needed...

Ask!

Well, before anything else, we'd like to accommodate for the night..

.. the little sons of Provvidenza. - Of course, poor wretches.

They're right, of course! The castle is so big!

I'll put an entire wing at their disposal.

- At least a chicken thigh - - Moron, you understood nothing!

Oh, I'm sorry. What have you understood?

Who's talking about a chicken's wing? He was talking about an arm of the castle!

- Right arm and left arm. - This castle has two arms.

- Then a thigh is better. - What thigh? - It has more meat!

- Shut up! - What kind of a monk is this one?

He's a novice..

.. and a tertiary. - Ah, he's half monk.

- Well said! - All right...

Diego, Alfonso, take care of it immediately!

And, don't forget, Diego and Alfonso, caffellatte in the morning..

.. and pee before bed. - Granted.

There's no need for it, a small pot will do.

- Funny man! - Mamozio, see to it.

- Goodnight, padre. - Mamozio, you go away like this?

Mamozio, Mamozio, you default your foremost duties...

One has to pity him, he's a novice.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

Please, I'd like to know to what I owe the honour of your visit?

- A good question... - A little heat was needed, no?

But what are you doing, brother?

- I don't know, I thought you were joking. - No, there's no joke.

- I was going along... - I was moving the heat from one hand to the other.

- I'm sorry. - Don't mention it.

- So, I'll be precise. - Yes. - Dear Marshal...

What Marshal? I'm a Marquis!

Marquis, Marshall, they all start with'M'...

So, as I've said I'll be precise:

.. I and my tertiary assitant, brother Mamozio and the 12 sons..

.. of Provvidenza were conducting an inspection round in this area...

.. so that we'd flush out evil spirits and daemons from ancestral castles.

Good, good. A highly commendable enterprise...

- Yes, yes. - But I, I'm sorry disappointing you,..

.. most reverend brother... brother...? - Pasquale da Casoria.

- Pasquale da Casoria? - Yes.

- You're from the South? - Native,..

.. and the I settled in Monza. - Bravo. I was saying,..

...I'm sure that in this castle...

.. there has never exsited a spirit nor a daemon.

- Are you sure? - Very sure. - Sometimes, you know...

- No, I can assure you. - Some sisters-in-law?

- No sisters-in-law. - Some rebel sisters-in-law?

- Never-ever! - All right, then I'll be leaving.

I don't assume any responsibility.

Yes, because if after I go away a spirit pops out,..

.. what will the peple say?

"How come, brother Pasquale what has he done at the castle? Shit has he done!"

So, I go away, suits you, but the responsibilty is all yours.

But why go away? Nobody's telling you to go away.

- It's you... - I'm not letting you go!

Not only I like you,..

...but you bring back memories of my ancestors' land.

- But, then, you're also a native? - Of course! - Oh, yes?

- How else? I came from the Borboni. - From? - Borboni!

I thought your face was familiar. Then we're almost related!

- The two of us? - How come?

Because in my home, when an infant, we had a poodle, so cute...

A poodle? A dog! A dog!

The Marquis has said "a dog"!

What a laugh! - That's enough! Brother,..

.. what are you doing? - Excuse me, Marquis.

- You've gone over the line. - I was playing along...

- Remember you're a monk, and I a Marquis. - Signorsi.

- Don't forget it. - No.

- Please, sit down. - Thank you. I'm sorry, Marquis.

It's true that I've told you to stay,..

.. but try not to cross over the caste limits!

I humbly apologize, Marquis, I made a mistake.

I'd slap myself in the face.

- Don't. - I'd slap myself. - No, it upsets me.

Be patient. For your sake, I postpone it. But I should slap myself.

No, please.

I'm here, at your disposal.

Tell me, in what way I could be of service?

All right, that's how I like you, brother.

- I wanted to ask you a question. - Please do, please do!

- Have you ever married? - Marquis, I'm a widower.

- A widower monk? - No, what I mean...

- And what order is this? - It's the widower's order.

- A new one? - Yes, the "Barefeet Widowers".

I'm wearing shoes, but don't you mind it,..

.. I'm just transferring. - Why not...

So...

What is it?

- o, God, is there any danger? - No, no.

- If there is... - I don't want them to hear us.

- In confidence, brother... - Yes. - Look at me.

Would you marry me?

- I? - Yes.

- With whom? - With me.

- But what's wrong with you? - What's abnormal here?

I to marry you? Marquis, are you mad?

Be patient,..

.. if needed I'd marry brother Mamozio who's younger.

- Oh, no, what have you understood? - Am I wrong?

You must celebrate my wedding.

- I was wrong. - Yes. - Humblest of apologies, Marquis.

- No harm done. - Let me slap myself.

- No. - Please, do me this favor.

- I don't want - - Grant it.

Marquis, I must slap myself.

- No! - I did it. Now...

- No, no, that's it... - So... - Bravo, brother.

If it's lawful, Marquis, you want to marry,..

.. that is you want to straighten your life. - Exactly!

- Well done, my son. - Thank you.

Tell me, Marquis, who's the bride to be?

My sister-in-law!

- Why are you laughing? - And what does your brother have to say?

- The wretched speaks no more! - Oh, I'm very sorry. A mute?

- No, what mute? He bit! - He bit? - Yes.

All poodles have this flaw of biting...

The poodles? Dogs again?

- No. I said "bit" meaning dead.

Wrong again!

- I'd slap myself again... - No!

- Please, allow - - No, it upsets me!

- I'll do it afterwards. - Bravo. When I'm not around.

Tell me the truth: is it you who killed him?

Brother Pasquale, what are you saying? How dare you?

- I'm sorry. - My brother died of natural causes.

- Oh, so! - Yes. - Strawberry tree!

And you want to marry the widdow so that everything stays within the family.

No...

No...

- Marquis, the pacifier, the pa - - What pacifier? How dare you?

I thought you wanted to fall asleep, that you wanted to take a nap.

What nap? Would I have fallen asleep on the armchair..

...rocked by you? In this way soldiers would have seen me...

.. pacifier in mouth. That's not possible! - It's no problem, it can happen.

Anyway, dear Marquis, you have said you wanted to get married.

- Yes, brother. - All right. But I should meet the bride.

I agree. You'll meet her in the morning, at the altar.

- Why, are celebrating Mass? - Who's celebrating Mass?

When you'll celebrate our marriage.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, distinguished Marquis,..

...the procedure demands the celebrant to know the marrying couple...

.. one day before the wedding. - All right. Do as you wish.

- Thank you. - Cecco! Smilzo! Bring the Marchioness down. Quickly!

- Quickly. - If you don't mind, I say "quickly".

You may say everything! So, the Marchioness...

- Eh? - The Marchioness... - Yes. - The Marchioness is hot...

- Eh... she is hot, the Marchioness. - How do you know it?

- By now everyone says it. - And who told you?

Me? A peasant from Anzio, has told me that the Marchioness...

- He says: "Oh, you'll see!" - They know my sister-in-law in Anzio?

- I don't know, I don't know. - So far away?

No, it's not that. Right now, a little while ago, just before coming here,..

.. a peasant... - Ah! A little while ago, a peasant -

- Did I sau anything else? - You have said "from Anzio".

Must have been a slip of the tongue.

- Oh, yes. - Yes, yes. - The peasant was right.

- You know peasants. - My sister-in-law really is hot.

- She's hot the sister-in-law. - Very hot. - Hottest.

- Quis vetat dicere verum? - Oh, yes!

- I didn't understand, Marquis. - Quis vetat dicere verum?

- What does it mean? - Who forbids telling the truth?

- Ah, no one. What language is it? - What do you mean? It's latin.

- You don't speak latin? - Ah, I don't.

- Then what kind of monk are you? - You know, latin has been abolished.

- Can't be! - Oh, yes. - They've abolished even latin?

La Marchesa Fiorenza Del Giglio, widow De Lattanzis.

Fiorenza, my sweet betrothed,..

.. I want to introduce you to this holy monk.

Tomorrow he'll celebrate our wedding.

- Brother Pasquale da... - ... da Casoria.

- Ah, da Casoria. - Presently a monk in Monza.

- Yes. - Yes.

- You? - What is it? - No, it's not possible! Never!

- What happened? Fiorenza! - Your Ladyship!

All right, take her to her room!

Lock the room, bastards!

- That's it! - I have a slight impression,..

.. may I'm wrong, I don't know, that the Marchioness is not too enthusiast.

- She'll be enthused by force, I want it! - Ignorant!

- Ignorant. - What are you saying?

Do you want to hear my advice?

I'm a monk of the world. Don't marry her.

I don't care for your advices.

- Celebrate the wedding, is all I want. - Oh, no!

- Oh, no? - The way things are, I won't celebrate.

- We'll see! - We'll see? - We'll see!

Brother Mamozio, you tell the Marquis: am I going to celebrate in this case?

- What happened? - Have you heard? Even he has said it.

- Oh, yeah? - By the way, Mamozio, tell me:

.. the sons of Provvidenza are well? - All in bed.

- Did they have go to the pot? - All of them.

Aren't you going to stop confabbing?

It's this beast that always confabs.

- You must stop it, understood? - I don't allow jokes.

Neither do I. Here we're not joking!

And tomorrow morning, want it or not,..

.. you'll celebrate my wedding. - But I can't, Marquis.

- Do you refuse? - It's not that; I don't have the power.

- But are you or not a monk? - Very monk.

I'm in the order of the "Barefeet Widowers".

- And they don't celebrate weddings? - No.

We can only give the extreme onction.

If you want to be extremeonctioned, I'll extremeonction you on the spot.

Thank you, but there isn't yet the need for that.

And still, you could be cautious, you can never know!

Life and death are in our hands.

- Exactly. - And you could die any moment.

- Sure. - You won't die 'cause you're a Marquis?

I've seen Marquises die like flies!

You're right.

I hadn't thought at death.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry.

Always your fault! I'd slap you...

Reverend brothers, I'd like to tell you that in this castle..

.. the forefather of my forefathers, Federico Barbanera,..

.. wanted to build this crypt, designed for the torture of prisoners,..

.. and for entombing the dead and burrying the living.

- Where're you going? The visit isn't over yet!

- This the second part? - Come.

I told there was something important for you.

I'm a little upset. Yes, yes.

- Here it is. - Mamma mia, what's this?

This is brother's Marmidone burial niche.

Do you see him?

- This monk has 200 years. - How much? - 200!

- He seems in shape... - He doesn't show them.

- Isn't it? - He's a little thin. - He has glasses.

- Oh, no. - He looks like someone that...

- You're right. - Are you speaking the truth?

- There face resembles. - To whom?

I'm sorry, Marquis, to you!

Joke, joke on... He who jokes the last, jokes best.

Who was this brother Marmidone?

- He was my grandfather's spiritual father. - Oh, yes?

The poor, he died on the day of his death.

- The pain, maybe. - No. - The regrets! - No!

Shut up, why do you open your mouth?

He was killed by my grandfather because he didn't give him absolution.

Here, as you can observe,...

...we have the trained seal. - Don't joke.

Marcquis, I did to alleviate the atmosphere..

.. because it's bleak. - Don't joke!

A I was saying, this way, as I you can notice,...

.. we have brother Terenzio.

- Eh, he's stark naked! - No, he has his overcoat.

This here brother Terenzio wouldn't be understanding with my uncle..

.. who had a virgin hanging over his head. - Oh, yes?

- What did he have? - A virgin.

Yes, those small things you put in your hair...

- You'd grab a comb and you'd comb... - No!

- What have you understood? - What have you understood so you open your mouth?

- He had lost his head over a woman... - You hear?

...he wanted to marry, but as he already was married...

- Yes. - ... the holy monk wouldn't celebrate the wewdding.

And my uncly, cooll as hell, with only one stroke... zac!

Ah! Help!

...left him without a head, as you can see. - We can see...

But you, you have your heads on your shoulders, don't you?

No, my head is in my head.

- Mine is on the neck. All right, on the neck.

- But you care for your heads? - Of course!

Well, then it's very simple, you only, have to be reasonable, understanding.

And you're reasonable, you're understanding?

Very reasonable, Marquis,..

.. but even if I did celebrate your wedding, it wouldn't be valid 'cause...

Brother Pasqua', brother Pasquale, unbutton!

How should I do that? I have no buttons!

Brother Pasqua', you're not one of those monks, are you?!

Marquis, I'm one of this monks.

So you're not a monk like brother Guglielmo?

- And who's this brother Guglielmo? - Come, I'll show him to you.

He has paid dearly his fault, brother Guglielmo.

This is brother Guglielmo.

This brother, came to the castle one day..

.. saying he was a mendicant friar. - Mamma!

My late father blessed be his soul, who was a magnanimous man, very magnanimous...

- Oh, yes? - What did he eat?

- He ate the souls, a lot of them. - Cannibal!

I didn't say "eat", but magnanimous, generous!

- Generous, have you understood? - ... he gave all the goods he could want.

On the other hand, when he realized he wasn't a real monk, he burried him alive.

Now, you, brother Pasquale,..

.. are a monk like brother Guglielmo, or a regular one?

Your Lordship, I'm a regular one,..

.. I'm in the union! - Well done, brother, better like this.

However, you should know that in this castle...

- Yes. - ... there's another niche available.

- This one? - This one, yes, this one.

Well, if you're still refusing to celebrate my wedding,..

.. this niche will host your worm eaten carcass.

- Mamma mia! - What did he say?

He said that my drum is eaten by worms.

No, I didn't say that!? I said drum.

- And what did I say? - No, I said carcass!

- No, you said drum. - Carcass.

- You said drum, I herd it distinctly. - Carcass, skeleton, cadaver!

- Fink! - I?

- Your worm eaten carcass! - Mamma!

Well? Do you still refuse to celebrate the wedding?

Not even in my dreams. I'll celebrate the wedding,..

.. the anti-wedding, the super-wedding,..

.. I'll annul the marriage, I'll conjugate you,..

.. I'll give you the Extreme Unction, the First Communion...

You want to get married? Get married.

You want to marry Mamozio? Marry him.

What do I care about Mamozio? I want to marry Fiorenza!

Thought you should know, Marquis.

It's because a little while ago you beat around the bush?

- I beat around the bush? - Yes, you beat around the bush.

- What dog? - No, the dog ran away! - Yours.

Your Lordship?

No, this time he's talking to you.

- Yes, to him, I'm telling him. - Me?

- You want to end up in the niche? - Sorry, I was lost in thoughts...

- Tell me: you want to end up in the niche? - Not even in my dreams.

- Then we can have this marriage right away! - Yes.

- Your Lordshihp? - What?

- The Marchioness wants her cappuccino. - Oh, blessed Iddio!

- Did you hear? A cappuccino for me too. What do yo want? - Coffee.

- So 2 cappuccini and 1 coffee. - What have you undrstood?

- What does the Marchioness want? - The confessor.

Ah, she wants the confessor, the Marchioness.

- She wants a confessor, and I a cappuccino. - And I a coffee.

We can't even have a cappuccino after all the fright we went through.

I know why she has asked for you.

She wants to set herself free from the sin she can no longer hide.

She wants to confess to you that she has been the spaniard's mistress.

- Take it easy, Marquis, don't get angry. - No?

I go upstairs, confess her, and turn back to make a report.

- To whom? - To you! - And the Seal of the Confessional?

What secret, we are free, transparent,..

.. we do everything in full sight. - Then you're not a real monk!

How come I'm not a real monk? How dare you?

Just look into the Monk's "Who's Who" and you'll find me there!

All right, go and come back immediately.

On the spot! More, I leave Mamozio as a pledge. Take him.

No!

You want to joke and I don't feel like it.

- Remember the niche! - Ah, the niche!

God's grace, sister.

- Then, it really ws you? - Of course it's me..

.. who should it be, a Joe someone?

You, if I'mnot wrong have asked for me.

Yes. For a moment I thought you were...

...a cappuccino? But no, I'm a monk.

Macchiato, buut still a monk.

- "Ecce homo", sister, here's the man. - Let me look at you.

From the front, in profile, from dis...

- Pardon? - Disgusting, that would be three quarters.

- The neck, you allow me? - Oh, dear. - The neck is important.

- Oh! No! The finger is cold! - Oh, no! You don't have the birthmark!

- No. I have the birthmark my dear. - Yes, but on the neck.

What does it matter? The neck or in another place, I'm full of birthmarks.

- It doesn't matter, anyway. - It matters greatly to me.

- Oh, yes? - Were you born in Spain, by any chance?

No, I was born in Monza, as a matter of fact I'm the monk from Monza.

Napolitan by birth: half napolitan and half from Casoria.

At home we were bilingual.

And I'm here because, passing by the castle,..

.. a silver plate fell on the head of my tertiary fellow,..

.. brother Mamozio, and weakened him!

Then it's you that got my message!

Well, yes! Damn it! It was a silver plate!

It's true I'm in cassock, but silver is silver...

Oh, help me, father, I'm in his power!

- Let's not exagerate with "father". - Oh, help, please!

- Yes, I'll help you, you're good! - No, I'm not good!

- No, father, I'm bad! - No, you're good, don't tell lies.

Because with lies you go to hell, with fire balls in your mouth,..

.. my dear! You're good,..

.. I'm telling you, one who knows about goodness!

So, come to your monk, my daughter, come to your monk.

Tell me, was it true what was written on the silver plate?

- Yes. - Yes? - It's true,..

.. I'm the prisoner of my brother-in-law. - Really?

- Yes. - Are saying it for real? - Yes!

Oh, my God!

- And the 1,000 part? - Eh? - The 1,000 fiorini?

- Yes, I'll give you everything you want! - Not for me my sister,..

.. for the sons of Provvidenza who are poor and in need.

let's get to the heart of the matter:

.. how can he help you this poor maniac,..

.. this maniac of mink, this monk from Monza?

- How can I help you? - For the beginning:

.. you must refuse to unite me in marriage with Don Egidio!

No, dear daughter, first thing in the morning I'll celebrate your wedding.

You've taken my brother-in-law's side.

No, my daughter, I'm on my side.

I don't want to end up in the crypt.

How do they say? One who goes into the crypt learns to encrypt!

And I don't want it. Follow my advice, Marchioness,...

.. marry him! He's a little ugly, but just close your eye on it.

- I hate him! - From hate to love it's a short road.

- Father, I love someone else. - Ah!

- Who? - Capitan Emanuel,..

.. Grande of Spain. - Grande of Spain? May he drop dead!

Very well, go on loving him and marry the Marquis.

You kill two stones with one pi... I mean, with one stone you kill 2 pigeons.

- You see, father, it's something else, it isn't so simple... - Ah, no?

What is it? Some hidden mess?

Some hidden mess? Tell me!

Well... I'm expecting a baby.

Ah, you see there was a mess somewhere?

I've understood. And this baby you're expecting..

.. is the son of the late Marquis? - No. - Nein.

Don Emanuel de Leyva..

.. y Alicante y Cordoba y Alcazar y Medina y Lopez y Vazquez.

Pasquale, Francesco, Nicola... how many fathers does he have?

It's a public limited company, he's the son of a co-operative!

You see, father, in his last letter..

.. Emanuel says he'll ben back in Italy by the end of winter,..

.. he can't be long. If you can postpone the marriage,..

.. then Emanuel will take care of my brother-in-law.

I've understood. We must create another mess that...

Yes, yes...

Marchioness! I've found! The Provvidenza has enlightened me!

We are strong!

An ingenious solution, magnifique!

Understood? Tomorrow I'll celebrate your wedding with pompa magna.

- And is this that magnificent idea? - Ah, you wretch!

You don't know what's hidden in the pompa! It's magna!

Oh, blondy, come to your little brother!

Celebramus 'sto matrimonio e che Dios ce la mandi buonam.

- Liberamus. - Liberamus domini.

Do you, Don Egidio Filiberto Nicoletta...

- What does it say here? - Nicoletta. - Nicoletta? Who's that?

- Yes, the ancestor. - Eh? - The ancestor, my grandmother.

- Nicoletta... washes grandmother? - Nicoletta, the ancestor, grandmother.

Because she had stumps, she couldn't wash herself?

No, the ancestor, the ancestor! My grandmother's mother!

- Oh, sorry, sorry. - Celebrate, celebrate! - Sorry.

Do you Don Egidio Filiberto Nicoletta, Marquis De Lattanzis...

- Marquis, hmmm! - Why, are you doubting it?

- No, just saying hmmm... - Celebrate! - Right now!

...take as your wedded wife donna Fiorenza Gioconda Angelica..

.. here present from the Marquises of Giglio? - Yes.

- Yes. - I should have said yes.

One moment, he has said it. Let's put things in order.

- Why have you said yes? - I said for him, he should...

- He knows it, knows it... - I know he knows he knows it,..

.. but what have you to say? - Silence, brother Mamozio.

Why do you always open your mouth?

Isn't it enough the Marquis has to say yes?

Be careful or I evict you!

- Excuse me, gentlemen. So... - Celebrate, celebrate quickly!

Want to take as your lawfull wedded wife donna Fiorenza here present?

- Yes. - Again yes?

Don't you want to stop it? You always open your mouth..

.. you marry her and so long! - Aah!

- We go on or what? - Sorry, but his getting on my nerves!

Brother Pasquale! Where do you think you are?

- Sorry, Marquiss. - What manners!

This "yes", we want it said freely or not?

But of course I say it: yes!?

- From the heart? - Yes.

- Afterwards you'll not say... - Yes!?!

...if that monk wouldn't have married me...

I'm saying yes, brother Pasquale. Don't joke.

- Remember the crypt! - The tripe?

- The crypt, the crypt! - Ah, the crypt! I had understood tripe.

Sorry. It's a small lapsus. So...

And you donna Fiorenza Angelica Gioconda, take for your lawfull wedded husband..

.. the washer's nephew - - What washer's nephew?

- I'm the Marquis De Lattanzis! - So what? Maybe Federico Barbarossa...

- How dare you? - Do you know I'm fed up?

- Do you let do me let or not? - Yes. - Look here...

- Celebrate, I'm telling you, celebrate. - One moment:

.. do you want to take him for your lawfull wedded husband, yes or no?

She's fainting!

- Assia Noris. - Ora pro nobis.

- Doris Durante. - Ora pro nobis.

- Maria Denis. - Ora pro nobis.

- Sofia Loren. - Ora pro nobis.

- Anna Maria Pierangeli. - Ora pro nobis.

- Brigitte Lebrum. - Ora pro nobis.

- Tony Curtis. - Ora pro nobis.

- Kurt Jurgens. - Ora pro nobis.

- Brigitte Bardot. - Bardot.

- Brigitte Bardot... - Bardot. - Brigitte Bardot...

Enough of this litany! It gets on my nerves!

Let's pray for the Marchioness.

If my wedding has not been celebrated, is your fault.

You have confused her with your bullshit!

Take care of it immediately, I want it celebrated as soon as possible!

Don Egidio, verbi gratia, as long as this situation goes on it's not possible.

We must wait for her to recover and say that blessed "yes".

I don't want to wait, I won't wait!

But what's your haste? I don't understand.

I don't undestand your haste. Your wedding is already half lawfull.

Because yo have said the "yes"; go in a nice honeymoon trip.

But how can I if she hasn't said "yes"?

Go alone, this way you'll dupe her, you understand?

Then, when the Marchioness recovers, she repairs with you,..

.. or better still if you send a letter..

.. I'll give it to her. - Friar, are you making fun of me?

- Yes, yes. How come, "yes"?

Yes, because it looks like, but do you think we're making fun of you?

A holy monk and a little saint? Oh no, Don Egidio!

But my wedding is not valid, don't you understand?

Let us not say big words: not valid...

It only has to be partially improved, I've even got an idea.

Listen to it, and I think you'll like as I like it,...

...because I like it. If you like it, I'll like it.

- Allow me to be the one to like it? - That's, we're doing for him.

I'd say: we don't we freshen it up?

What refresh? My wedding is halfway stuck.

- Then "half freshen it up"! - Great idea! - Enough!?

Nobody exits this castle before the "yes" is said.

- Correct. Well said. - Oh, bravo.

- Lock all the gates! - Good.

- Let no one out! - That's it.

With our exception, who must go to the Prior.

- To the Prior? - Yes sir. - What for?

To inquire from him about this half marriage..

.. so that we'll know fom him how to manage things.

Ah, there's no need for it!

Soon the Marchioness will be fine and the wedding celebrated.

- He doesn't know. - What don't I know?

- You happy-go-lucky, you! - Who's a happy-go-lucky? - You!

These faintings are terrible, diabolical.

I remember the case of a lady, who fainted in similar circumstances.

- And? - And after four days,..

.. when she recovered, the poor, had already been dead for two days.

And that's not all!

When in such a case there's no death, as I hope will be for the Marchioness,..

.. you remain mute. True, Mamozio? - It's true?

Yes, yes. When... I speak no more. I was there.

- He was there. - So what?

There's nothing else but the hope in don Prior.

- All right, have it your way. - Amen.

Go to the Prior,..

.. but remember, monks,...

...I'll keep the sons of Provvidenza as hostages.

If you try not to return to the castle,..

.. I'll make a massacre!

The massacre of the innocents!

- Are we going to the Prior? - To the Prior Egypt!

- We're going in Egypt by horse? - Yes, we're going in Egypt by horse!

But is it possible that you be beyond the boundaries of moron?

We're going to Monza, at the Red Moon tavern, at Don Emanuel.

- Who said Don Emanuel is there? - The Marchioness!

- But if she's mute? - Imbecil, the Marchioness can speak.

- She pretends she's mute because I told her to! - But she can speak?

- She speaks, the mute. - The mute from Portici?

- No, the blind from Sorrento! - Ah. And if there's no tavern?

What do you mean there's no tavern? Who could have taken it away?

- And if there's no Don Emanuel? - Then we'll go to the camp.

- And if he's not at the camp? - Hey, you're my friend..

.. or the Marquis'? Come on, blondy!

Brothers, we haven't come here to remind you of your sins,..

.. and not for preaching, but for entertaining you with a song..

.. hoping for your charity. Ready, brother? - Ready.

Give us...

Give us...

Give us a little charity!

Give us, give us a little charity!

Two litlle brothers now we are, Around the world we walk afar,

We only ask a litlle charity for us.

The night before to sleep we go Happiness be brought

to you we'll pray.

Give us, give us a little charity!

With barren feet we go the way Streching our hands to all that may,

And so you can't refuse us two

who are so poor and without

- It must be that one. - It must be that one.

- The tavern... - The tavern...

- of the Red Moon. - of the Red Moon.

- Oh? - Eh? - What are you playing at, the parrot? - No, I'm talking to myself.

Shut up. Come, let's see.

Take a peek, who's inside?

- I can't make it. - I'll help you. Now, up!

- What are you seeing? - I see two monks..

.. who sing and dance. Have they got a dispensation?

- Let's go away, let's go! - What should we do?

I'll think about it, come with me.

Give us, give us a little charity!

Two litlle brothers now we are, Around the world we walk afar,

We only ask a litlle charity for us.

The night before to sleep we go Happiness be brought

to you we'll pray.

Give us, give us a little charity!

With barren feet we go the way Streching our hands to all that may,

And so you can't refuse us two

Who are so poor and without until you mighty

Giv'us your charity.

Give us, give us a little charity!

All of you, silence!

What goes on in this place of perdition?

Enough, enough! Ashame yourself, devils!

What's with this scandal?

Where have ever been seen two monks abandon themselves..

.. to such a mellifluous and infernal orgy?

I'll denounce you to the Holy Inquisition,..

.. don't call me brother Pasquale da Casoria anymore.

But we did it for a good cause, brother.

Enough brother here and brother there, I'm an only son! Go away!

Sacrilege, don't - Mamozio, bite him!

Adriano, that was a real monk!

But what is it to you? We are no real monks,..

.. and you know what I say? - Yes?

The system works. Tomorrow we come back dresses as sans-culottes...

.. and make so much dough we'll be millionaires.

And you, people prone to idleness and the tavern,..

.. you indulge in listening, with your dog ears,..

.. such indecencies and do not avert your eyes..

.. from epileptic gestures that have nothing to do with dance.

I, a holy monk, and the little saint, here present..

.. throw upon your sinful heads the most terrible of all anathemas..

...from the bottom of our hearts and with the most sincere wishes..

.. that from now on you shall become the best of christians,..

.. magnanimous and generous. - Enough!

Silence! I'm talking now. You, get out!

Go preach somewhere else, here they've already collected.

- People want to have fun. Come on, out! - Don't touch me!

You, jerk, I'll punch and break your nose!

- What nose? - Yours.

- You call ithis a nose? - Yours it's a great one!

- How dare you? - Come on!

Hey, you, leave the monk alone. The monk is right.

Hey, monk, come here, and drink with us.

Thank you, brothers. Mamozio, come.

Sit down, wine makes the blood thick. - Thank you, thank you.

I'm a Spaniard and for a Spaniard...

.. e sempre un onore avere un monaco al suo tavolo.

- A Spaniard? - Spaniard!

A Spaniard? Ask if he knows Emanuel.

You're right. Please, are you really a Spaniard from Spain?

- Of course! - Not from the periphery, the Pirenei...

Listen, you, being a Spaniard, a Captain della manovella?

- Emanuel! - Emanuel, yes.

Friar!

There more than one million Don Emanuel in Spain.

- It's one of them. - But this one is a Capitain,..

.. here, from the arquebuses. - An officer?

- Officer. - Yes, he hit it on the spot.

Ah, maybe it's Don Emanuel..

.. de Alcazar, Mendoza, Cordoba, y Medina y Velazquez!

Exactly, one of these seven.

Handsome monk,..

.. do you want me to read your destiny? - The Magus from Monza is here!

Why don't you read where is the Capitain Emanuel, whom we are looking for?

How do you want me to know about your Don Emanuel?

Stop it.

Monk! - What do you want with me?

Leave the gypsy alone and come here.

Immediately, my son. Here I am, my son. What is it?

Listen, monk, tell me a spiced story.

If you give me her adress, I'll tell it to your sister.

- How dare you? - Keep cool!

Leave the holy monk alone, or I'll punch you!

If you're a holy monk, let me see a miracle.

That I can do. I can show you a miracle.

Tell me: has it ever happened to you to want something in life..

.. and never to be able to get it? Yes.

Then, take this! Now!

Oh, the poor bastard, look how he took it!

Don't trust her, Cecco, that woman is a simulant! She feigns!

I assure she has lost her speach.

I tried frightening her, menacing her... to no avail!

- She hasn't opened her mouth. - She has duped you, moron.

- My sister-in-law is a fox. - And do you think I'm a fool?

Upon Cecco's word, she does not speak!

She moves her mouth like this, but doesn't utter a sound!

- Can I trust you, Cecco? - You must trust me, Your Excellency.

Your Excellency, the two friars..

.. have come back from the Ma... Ma... - From their mothers?

- No, from the Marchioness. - And how is she?

- She speaks. - She speaks!

Have you heard, Cecco? The Marchioness has spoken.

- I was wrong to trust her. - And I to trust you.

Moron!

Disappear from my sight!

Most illustrious and most noble Lady Marchioness,..

.. I and the reverend brother Mamozio here present..

.. we have been at the Halfmoon tavern:

.. there were italians, english, french,..

.. portugueses who didn't pay their tab,..

.. but Don Emanuel, Spanish Capitain, not a trace.

- Is it true, Mamozio? - None.

Then for me there's no ho-

- Why? - Marchioness... - Undress, undress, undress her!

- What are you doing imbecile? - You told me to undress.

The Marchiones, not yourself, moron; undress, unveil the Marchioness.

- And now, what are you doing? - I have to undress her, no?

- But you're putting her naked. - Now, if I've started...

What's that "now, if I've started"?

You must unwrap her throat, to lighten her breathing.

- Oh, she's not breathing anymore. - No!

- She's not breathing anymore. - O, my God.

Auscultate her heart, auscultate.

- On the right side for the heart? - Here. - Imbecile, on the right side? - Why?

- The heart is on the left. - Is she left-handed?

Anatomically the heart is on the left side!

Drop dead!

Silence, she's coming back. She ressurects... Let's raise her!

One, two, now!

- How are you feeling? - Oh, bad. - Bad?

- Worse. - Worse?

I'm delivering. Oh, I'm damned!

- A lost woman! - Lost woman my foot!

From this moment on you're a merry widow.

And don't worry about the baby's birth.

The baby's born when he wants it.

- Yes, but how? - How?

- I'm so alone! - You're not alone! Don't say that,..

.. it's a blasphemy. The Providence has never abandoned anyone.

- And what if the Marquis finds about it? - We'll keep him in the dark.

- Why, you have a plan? - II don't; have you?

- I don't why? What plan? - We'd need a plan..

.. of some degree of consistency, of some power...

- A piano forte! - A pianoforte? What the-

- An organ? - What organ!

A drum?

- I've found. - You've found? - Cymbals!

I'd sound them on your head, the cymbals!

Don't worry, Marchioness, we'll find that plan.

- At this hour? - You can find a plan at any hour.

- And if the plan doesn't work? Then, that's it!

You'll m arry the Marquis. - Oh, no. Never!

Marchiones! - I prefer death. - Marchioness, what are you doing?

- Poison! I want to kill myself! - No suicide!

- Poison... Let go! Let go! - Ahh! - Poison? Taste it!

- It's bitter! - Of course, it's poison!

Imbecile!

No, Marchioness, no, please, why kill yourself?

You who are so good... She really is good this Marchionoess...

Better to suicide the Marcquis, who's bad.

Then, what did that Prior have to say?

The holy Prior, extremely saddened,..

.. has told me that until the Marchioness doesn't speak again,..

.. nothing can be done! - Beh, then is alreasy solved.

Smilzo has reported to me he has witnessed the Marchioness speaking with you.

Most illustrious and most noble don Egidio,..

.. magnanimous sire of this castle and neighbouring lands,..

.. do not give credit to what Smilzo has said.

It's true, yes, we have spoken to the Marchioness..

.. but she, poor soul, doesn't speak, she only answers by gestures.

Bad! She has to say it loud and clear.

I don't want a speech, only that blessed "yes".

All right, as soon as she says it, I'll give you my blessing.

- Oh thank you. - Don't mention it.

- Thank you, brother Pasquale. - My pleasure.

- Have I stuffed myself! - I'm glad.

- This lamb leg was delicious. - Thanks God.

I'm full, satiated...

- Brother Pasqua'! - Do say.

- Stinky! - What have you said? - I said: How powerful! Powerful!

Bravo, you have got it at last. Powerful, pextremely powerful!

That's why make her say yes, or the crypt is waiting.

- Remember it: the crypt! - But, don Egidio,..

.. you really are cryptomaniac!

- Coughing? - A piece of la...

Up, up, the little bird, look at the little birdy, up!

The birdy, the birdy... Don't make yourself, don't make yourself...

That's it. Drink, drink, drink.

- Drink, come, drink. - GThank you.

Please, drink, drink!

- How are you feeling now? - Good, good.

Good? Let's not joke about it. Then drink a little more, drink!

- But I'm well. - Drink it all, to the last drop.

Drink, drink! - Brother Pasquale!

- There isn't anymore. To the last drop!

Almost ready, almost ready!

Three, two...

- I'm choking. Water, water! - Water, water...

- It burns me here. - Fire, fire...

- Water, water! - Water, water...

- There's nothing here. - Water!

- Well done, well done! - Thank you.

No! I want my soldiers!

- He's calling us! - Let's go.

Do something!

Smilzo! Cecco! Help me!

- Do something for me. I'm sick. - Drink.

- I feel like dying. - Drink, drink.

I don't want to drink anymore, I feel like dying.

Do something...

My Lady puerpera, have we done it already? - Yes.

Let's not lose our courage, sursum corda, up with the rope!

- Warm water. - Warm water. Now!

- Damn it! - It burns? - It burns, yes.

- Cold water! - Cold water. Towels...

- Marchioness, towels are always useful. - Always.

In such cases towels are the only useful thing..

.. because we wrap him up immediately.

Who has taken the towels from here? Let's not do it again. Oh, my God!

- Stai calm, my dear. - Let's do it. Everything will be fine,..

.. you're in good hands, and in... Towels!

- Talcum powder! - Talcum powder!

Air! Air! Here's the talcum.

- Here. - This is the talcum powder? - Yes, solid; there isn't liquid.

- You mean powder. - Powder.

- But is it talcum? - It is talcum! - Same thing.

- What's that? - Talcum powder, talcum powder!

We need talcum powder!

- Here. What's this? - Salt.

- Salt? What should I do with it? - It disinfects.

Ah, sure. The salt is disinfectant.

- Salt? Why salt? - It comes out better with salt.

And then, it's wisdom. The salt of wisdom..

.. and then it's a disinfectant. Anyway...

- Bonnet! - Bonnet.

Stay calm, Stay calm, don't be afraid, don't be afraid.

Where's the bonnet? It's better to have it ready.

Here it is. I've put it.

Moron, you are putting on the bonnet? It's for the baby.

- Take it thing off, you're infecting it! - But I...

- But I thought, maybe for the hair... - What did you think!

Sorry, Marchioness. Come, come, the bandage, the bandage.

Roll the bandage up. Turn, turn. I want to have everything at hand..

.. so that as soon as he comes out... Za! I do it!

We have wraped the baby!

- You said "turn". - Turn, turn.

- But you know these things? - My wife was midwife!

I've taken part at 6 births of twins.

I deliver a baby with closed eyes!

Yes, close them, father. I'm so ashamed.

You're not wrong. She's right, we'll need a blindfold.

- A blindfold? - A blindfold

Know what I'll do? I'll do it eyes closed.

- Where are you going? - Eyes closed.

- When? - Now! - And you leave me alone?

How shall I leave you alone when I'm staying here!

- I'll do it randomly, gropingly. - I thought eyes closed.

- What eyes closed. - Blindly.

- Blindly. - Oh, yes? - Blindly, like this.

Must I also blindfold myself?

No, you're a tertiary, there's no need.

- Now guide me? - Yes.

- Guidi. I'm ready. - Make haste, it's coming!

This baby is in such a hurry to get out!

What the hell! He has a lot of time, a life time!

- So, guide me. - Forward, forward, up, there.

Is it here? Is it here?

Damn it! It's two of them! Can it be..

.. that every time I get involved twins are always born?

Look there!

- Look, those are not twin heads! What are they?

Excuse me, my Lady, I made a mistake.

We all can make mistakes, no one's infallible.

Provvidenza, you help me, show me where to put my hands.

Patience, Marchioness, patience. Patience is a woman..

.. and who knows if you're not having a beautiful boy! Brother Mamozio!

and hammer. Quickly!

My part is without pain.

He drank it all! The gastric lavage worked!

For now it's enough because I was going to puke -

Oh, what toil!

By the soul of my forefathers!

Oh, that cursed monk, has poisoned me.

- He did it, I'm sure. - Yes, yes.

Now think about getting better, 'cause we'll take care of the friar.

No, no. Leave him to me, I want to kill him, cursed be his name!

But at first I want to gather some strength and then I must have some proof.

You take care of something else. Go upstairs, to my sister-in-law.

- The other one, what's his name, the half monk? - Mamozio.

Mamozio. He made signs the baby was on his way.

- Are you sure? - Sure as if having seen it with my own eyes.

Take this flask away, I don't want to see it anymore.

Go, go there..

.. and catch them with the offspring in their hands. - The cheese?

The offspring, the offspring! The foetus! Damn you!

- Can we leave you alone? - I'm not alone,..

.. I've got my stomach pain.

It's not convenient to stay close to me. Go, go, I'll wait for you there.

- Again? - What have you understood?

I'll wait for you in the crypt. Go, move it! Cursed soldiers!

And whoever asks you about me, tell him I'm dead. Dead!

My revenge is about to begin.

Here we go again!

.. he's so beautiful, no?

What do you think it's easier, delivering lamb or a baby?

- I know. I, with the sheep... - But what have the sheep to do with it?

You always bring up the sheep.

Look how pretty he is. Spit image of his father

- How can you say if you don't know him? - What do you mean?

Sons ressemble fathers, don't they?

- Eh? What is it? - Do you know he really ressembles you?

Flatterer! No way I'm the father.

Here he is, Marchioness. Look how beautiful he is.

- Ah, I don't know how to thank you! - You don't have to thank me,..

.. thank Provvidenza who was taught me how to be a midfather.

A big kiss. Don't forget me, father,

Let me do it, let me do it.

- Make him disappear, quickly! - Yes, I'll do him in.

Do him in? Have you gone mad?

- Yes, I'll be quick. I'll I'll... - What I'll... I'll...

We did the Marquis in, we can d -

What's that to do? The Marquis is one thing, this one is different.

I was saying we should hide him so that the soldiers don't see him.

- I'd have done him in. - What would you have done outside?

- Let it go! - Let it go? - Take him!

- We must catch him cheese in hand. - Proof in hand.

Have you herd the Marquis? The baby, the new born child!

- Have heard the whimper? Someone's coming! - Let's hide! - Yes.

- Stop! - Give me hte cheese! - Give me the baby!

- The baby? - But these are rags!

Yes, I put them on my belly to keep me warm..

.. because my pylorus is sick. - Smilzo, come with me.

Laudate...

Where is it? Where is it?

Damn it!

- Father... father! - Occupied.

- Father! - Young man, I've said occupied!

Occupied means occupied.

Have patience, if you insist you'll end up pecking us.

Don't play dumb, father, where's the fruit of sin?

Young man, here's no greengrocery.

Don't play it slow, father,..

.. we've heard the whimper with our own ears.

But what whimpers, the whimpers of Egypt!

Have patience, it was my assistant, brother Mamozio..

.. who is still childish and sometimes he whimpers. He likes whimpering.

- Talk clearly! - I should talk clearly?

And he, with that tongue, what's he talking in, japanese?

Is it possible that in this damn castle,..

.. a holy monk from Monza, that's to say a Monzambico,..

.. can not say his prayers?

I was thanking the Providence..

.. for restoring speech to the Marchioness.

- She can speak? - Yessir.

But this is good news,..

.. and now the Marchioness will tell us...

Say something, say!

- Tell us a little something. - Moron!

- What has she said? I didn't hear. - I've heard.

Marchioness, you'll pay for this!

But what are you doing, getting up? No, you can't get up, I of beg you!

- You don't frighten me anymore. But what are you doing, what -

Thanks to this holy monk I am again the master in here!

And I'll chase you like scabby dogs.

- Go! Go! - Out! Out!

Go! Anathema on your heads!

Don't cry, little Marquis. Don't cry because if they hear you...

Poor you, you're right, they got you down from the third floor,..

.. because if they didn't throw you out, he would have done you in!

Now I'll take you to the tertiaries and you'll be just fine..

She said that now she nothing to be afraid of..

.. and she'll chase us away like dogs! - He laid the anathema on our heads.

Of course.

Now that she has hidden the baby she feels stronger, the delinquent!

Once the proof of her guilt has been suppressed,..

.. she's not afraid anymore to lose her rights upon the castle.

But she has forgotten me!

The last word has not yet been said, dear Cecco.

If I'm to lose the name of Marquis De Lattanzis..

.. I'll make her pay for it!

What are your plans? You want to torture them both?

No, there'll be no need for that, there'll be no need for that.

I want to have fun

Only I am to have fun! Only I should have fun.

The holy monk will confess everything to me without laying a finger on him.

He'll do it spontaneously.

He thinks he has poisoned me? He thinks I'm dead?

I'll give him this satisfaction.

No, Your Lordship, you mustn't kill yourself.

- But what have you understood? - Don't slap him!

Why are you slapping him? My poor Cecco!

He's faithful to me and thought I wanted to poison myself.

- I didn't like it. - No, Cecchino, I won't poison myself,..

.. I want to live for 100 more years, richer and more powerful than before.

Understood?

Idiot!

Listen to me:

.. clear everything up and prepare me a box.

- What? - You explain it!

- A coffin. - Now we're laughing!

Have you done everuthig I've asked you to?

- The baby is safe. - The Marquis is also safe.

Listen, now go to donna Fiorenza and make her give you the 1000 fiorini..

.. as we've talked? Like this, we'll be safe, too.

- 1000. - Go! - Don't accept even a dime less!

Brother Pasquale! - Eh? Who is it? Anyone calling?

Brother Pasquale! - I'm here, who is it, who is it?

It's me! - Oh, I'm sorry, brothers, I'm sorry.

- What's the news? - A big misfortune.

- Not the Marcquis? - Himself.

The Marquis don Egidio has suddenly died.

- Ah, yes? I, I knew it. - How's that?

I knew it, and everyone knows it. Death comes! Death comes, boys!

Live to the full, live to the full because death comes!

- Your Ladyship, everything's settled. - And the baby?

- Everything settled. - Oh, thank you.

The baby's poisoned and the Marquis is in the craddle.

- What? - Eh, the Maequis is poisoned..

.. and the baby's in the craddle with the little tertiaries.

One moment: I don't understand. Who's been poisoned?

The Marquis, the Marquis. It was brother Pasquale;..

.. he's good, he poisoned him; had it been be, he'd have got a stick.

That's what I do withthe sheep: I put a stick in their mouth and...!

1000 fiorini!

- You have poisoned the Marquis? - Brother Pasquale.

But I have asked you to help me, not to kill him.

Let's not start all over, 1000 fiorini here.

What's been said is said, the moment has come.

We have expenses, damn it. I've already lost 7 sheep..

.. and he took the painless part. The other one got poisoned,..

.. so 1000 fiorini, come on! If not brother Pasquale will take it from me

But you're assassins. Go, get put of here!

- It was terrible. - I understand!

- She didn't give me anything. - Silence! You don't know what has happened!

- What? - A great misfortune. - Another one?

I don't have the courage to tell him. You tell him!

- I can't. - You tell him.

- I ca... - He's stammering. If he tells you...

- I don't have the copurage to tell you. - What? - The Marquis is dead.

- Again him... - What do yo mean? - Yes, I say...

- It's the first he's been dead! - No, not the first, the fir -

See?

You see how upset this tertiary is?

He has a golden heart this one. He had taken to the Marquis.

He's a little pigeon, so dear to me, I bless, my darling, I bless you.

I should offer my condolences, to someone, but I don't know to whom,..

.. I'll offer them to you, you do with them as you like. Let's go!

One moment, where are you going?

Praying for the holy Marquis'soul.

- No, you should wake. - How come wake?

And you want to abandon him without any solace?

He's dead. What does he care about solace?

This is not a reason to leave him alone.

Alone... There even are others, mat least they're acquainted...

- Are you monks? - Yes sir.

- Then wake. - Then let him wake, he's old.

- No, both of you must wake him! - Do you take us for party goers?

Enough! Let's go! Come, move!

Come!

- Go! - Easy, easy. What's the hurry?

- He died without religion's solace. - Solace or no solace,..

.. he'd have wound up in hell anyway.

Let's make it snappy, may he's soul rest in peace.

Yes, so... Pace all'anima sua, de profundis, autobus, nominis, eis,..

.. de anima liberamus. - Liberamus.

- Let's go! - Where? You must wake him the hole night.

- All the night alongside this one? - This is lack of education.

- If this one, during the night... - ... needs something?

- No, no, you must wake him! - If you won't do it alive, then dead.

Why do you want to leave? What have tou to do? Nothing, no?

You see what the gentlemen are saying? That we must wake!

- Go. - I'd say we do it like this. - Yes?

- Now he's waking. - Then we'll change.

No, no, no, both! Go!

Come, and don't press.

Confined! What a lock, boys.

Why are you shaking, why are you shaking? What, you're afraid?

- I've never been to a wake. - This animal is afraid of the dead.

You must be afraid of the living, I don't care about the dead!

Here he is.

My God, I can't look at him. It upsets me.

- Easy, easy, don't run... - No, no.

- And don't be afraid. - I? - Don't be afraid!

Ignore him. - I'm not looking.

Don't look at him, feign you don't know him.

And then the dead are no cause for fear.

No cause for fear.

No cause for fear.

Here he is, the coward.

- His covered. We should unveil him... - Yes.

...so we can pray. Go unveil him, go.

- No, you go, you're... - Don't say you're afraid?

At your age, aren't you ashamed? Go unveil him.

- No, no, no! - And don't think you'll frighten me,'cause I fear no one.

- I'm going, I'm going. - That's it.

- What is it? What do you want? - I didn't say anything.

- You called me, what do you want? - I didn't call you.

You've interrupted my duties, what do you want?

- I dind't say anything! - You're a liar and a fool.

And I'll take out one of your eyes.

Let's go together, all right? You'll have more courage like this. Come!

Let's go together.

And don't push. Don't push, there's a dead man, have a little respect!

We must unveil him...

- His face is covered. Uncover him. - No, not I. You do it!

- Are you afraid of uncovering him? - You uncover him.

- You're so courageous and you send me? - And who'd you want to unveil him?

- Enough doing this, and he's uncovered! - Then do it. - That's what I'll do.

- I do like this! - Yes, yes.

- And what if he's infected? - Why?

What do you mean? It's a corpse...

Could be infected, something gets on my hand,

.. I could die.

We'd be needing a stick, find a stick, come, come, quickly.

Quickly, Mamozio! Quickly, Mamozio, a stick.

- Is this good? - A pole? very good. Yes, excellent.

- So: what time is it? - Who knows? Should be midnight...

You never know anything, you don't. You're... the unknown!

And again... nothing!

- What have you caught? - A dried cod as big as you!

Am I fishing or what? Am I fishing for corpses, maybe?

- Don't you see how big it is? - A salmon!

Ah, please,let me work.

- Mamma mia, he's so ugly. - Disgusting! I can't look at him.

- I can't look at him. - No... no...

It nauseates me.

- Help! What is it? - The dead... The dead has saluted me.

The dead has saluted you? It's logical: you're acquainted!

What? You make even me say stupid things. The dead saluted him...

It's your overstrung fantasy that makes you see double.

It's a mirage, got it?

The dead has made a mirage.

Go to sleep! Nice, fresh dead.

- He has saluted me again! - What salute?

- He has saluted me again! - The hell he did!

Come on, stop it; what's going on?

I'm not staying close to you anymore.

He moves, he salutes... This what your overstrung fantasy..

.. makes you see... That is a mirageous dead!

Look at him how stiff he is, look. Don't you see he doesn't move?

He has c - He has cr - Cro -

- He has crossed his feet. - He has crossed his feet?

- Sure, it's logical! He has to, pure physiology. - Why?

After so many hours, the dead's nerves move, twist..

.. and then... Hop! His feet cross!

- Go uncross them! - No, no, I, no, I no...

You're even afraid to uncross his feet? I'll go. Watch me, I go.

I'll touch his feet without looking at him, that's how trained I am.

- Are you afraid? - Why did you hit me?

I? I didn't... I didn't even move...

Yes, yes, I must do it, I must do it.

- It's the nerves. - The nerves?

- Pull them down, pull them down. - It's the nerves...

It's the nerves, it's the nerves, pull him down, quickly. Nerves?

No, no. Here, here, here.

The teeth. His wisdom teeth have come out.

The wisdom teeth are coming out...

When the dead's gums recede, the teeth stand out.

I must take them out from this bastard's mouth.

I saw a pincer yesterday, go fetch it.

God you're ugly! I can't look at you, it upsets me.

It upsets me, I don't want to look at you.

This dead disgusts me, and nauseates me!

I confess, it's a sin, it nauseates me. It must be the hatred!

- I found this. Satisfied? - Very good, very good.

We'll catch his teeth with all our strength...

...and we pull. - Bastard! - This is it.

Ah, I can't take it anymore. What a night! Oh my, what a night!

- A gloomy night. - Yes. - Funereal.

- You're happy not to know... - What? - You don't know what this is...

O God, how your hands are cold!

Take your hands of me, it upsets me!

I have... Have... 1, 2, 3, 4... 1, 2, 3...

I have four... I have four hands!

- What happened? - The dead! - What happened? - The dead is sitting...

- What dead? - I'll crash your skull, I'll kill you!

There is no dead here, don't you see he isn't here?

Where is he, I've put him under my tunic?

You see where he lays? See? See? Serene... Look, convince yourself.

- You see that... Eh? - Ah! Eh... - What is it?

The head is here, and the feet there.

- So? - At first the head was here and the feet there.

- And this surprises you? It's only natural. - Why?

It wouldn't have been natural had he not turned.

I've explained this a thousand times:

.. after so many hours, the dead moves because the nerves move.

Now, it was the big sympathetic.

The big sympathetic is the main nerve..

.. that commands all other nerves. So, the big sympathetic...

I find him antipathetic, alive and dead alike,..

.. but the big sympathetic mad him do this movement.

So it's the big sympathetic that made the antipathetic turn.

Exactly. You see you know? You see you begin to learn?

I want to look at this animal from close range.

Careful, you're setting his hair on fire, you're setting his hair on fire!

I don't care, I set everything on fire!

- Do you want me to cremate him? - No! - Damn it!

Come here, come here! Look how ugly he is. Swine!

- Open his eyes. - Open his eyes.

Open his right eye! What are you doing? With both hands!

Open it wide, spread it well. I'm taking aim, eh?

- Did I make it? - I got him? - Yes.

Look here how ugly he is:

.. he already was ugly alive, death worsened him, this animal.

Take this! Take it! Hit him! Hit!

- Whatare you doing? - I gave him a pinch.

What pinch, you should hit him like this!?

I can... I've bitten his hand.

- You bite him! - I? - You bite him also! - I bi -

Bite his hand!

- What are you doing? - He bit my hand!

It's the nerves, it's the sympathetic moving him.

The nerves, only at me?

Look, he's even got a beard, looks like a goat, look.

A hair from his beard, here, keep it, it brings bad luck.

See how ugly he is?

You wanted to marry the Marchioness? Blondy?

You liked that bloomed flower, you wanted to fool around...

And if you want to know I even liked myself, and a little even he did.

You wanted to kill the baby.

Ah, yes, you wanted to kill the baby? Tell him somthing.

- Naughty! - Naughty,..

.. he's a regular son of a bitch, and we must deal with him like with one!?

And he wanted to put us for ever in the crypt, but we've poisoned him

Oh, yes. And I poured poson in your wine so you'd croak..

.. and you died, and now you go to hell. In hell, with all the fire!

And worms will eat your drum, not mine!

Yours also, because you're coming with me!

- What did you say? - I... - I'm coming with you? And where to?

- To hell with me. - To hell with me, I?

- No way. - Come with me to hell. - What are you saying? - I've said it.

- Who said it? - I've said it!

- Mamozio! Help! Help! - I'm not dead!

Cecco! Smilzo! Soldiers! Where are you, soldiers?

Bravissimi! Fuori! Bis! The movement! Help!

I'll go look for don Emanuel!

- I was kidding. - You think I've forgotten?

Aah, my ear! I got mumps!

I don't like it. Hold him!

Go and bring the fiance.

- Forgive a poor monk! - A poor monk? Delinquent.

- You liked the Marchioness? - No, no, I didn't like her.

You liked the bloomed floor!

- You wanted to fool around! - I didn't want to fool around.

- Well, you'll embrace her in a deadly embrace! - No.

- Smilzo, prepare the torture! - No, not the sawdust.

What sawdust? Torture! I must torture you!

Look who's here? The miracle brother!

No, I'm not the onw with the miracles, it's brother Pasquale.

In fact, now it's him that needs a miracle!

I must find thing... Capitain Emanuel!

Oh, yes. Capitain Emanuel, the one living in the convent in Monza?

- He became a monk? - No, he has a sister who's a nun.

- Thge sister from Monza? - Yes. - Ah, I've found him!

- One monent! - What is it? - I must give something back to you.

- What? - You know, the miracle!

- What miracle? - The jug in my head!

- And would yous smash it in my head? - Of course!

- And how will you do it, how? - Like this. - No, no!

Hold with both hands. Better with only one hand, delicately.

- The turn your head like this, then you do like this... - Oh! - Sorry!

- Put him in chains. - No. - In chains!

Not in chains, it makes me sick!

Now, it's your turn, Fiorenza.

Now you'll pay your sin. - No.

You didn't want to marry me, did you? You've fainted on our wedding day!

Well, let's see how you like..

.. this new ceremony I've prepared for you!

And you, cursed monk, you won't be a widower anymore.

You liked Fiorenza, no? Now you'll marry her in a blood marriage.

- I can't! - No? - I've taken a pledge.

I'll release you from your pledges...

In Hell! In Hell will the both of yo go!

That's why I'll slowly bring your bodies closer..

.. until they'll be united in a sacrilegious embrace!

My brother Emanuel has been here,..

.. in retreat for almost a week,..

.. but now he hasleft for his camp.

Oh, poor Marchioness, poor brother Pasquale,..

.. they are done for, there's no more hope.

- Don Egidio will kill them. - Don Egidio... - Yes.

- ... De Lattanzis? - Yes, himself.

Good, it's been ten years since I've been waiating for this instant.

Payback time has come!

The vile Marquis who trying to seduce us, young and inexperienced,..

.. forced us to retire in this abbey,..

.. will finally pay for his deeds. - But how, without don Emanuel?

If my brother is not here, my sisters are.

- Isn't it true,sisters? - Yes!

- Pull down the lever! - Not the call to arms, it's not my turn!

Swine! Be cursed in all eternity!

I want to taste to the last my revenge!

Don Egidio, to pardon is the best revenge!

My revenge will be fulfilled when they'll bump!

- O my God, they bump in here. - Yes.

Stop it, I want to get down!

Push on with the lever, push on!

I've got prority, I want to go down!

Don Egidio De Lattanzis doesn't forgive.

I want to watch your slow agony.

Why don't you ask your Don Emanuel for help?

Now you'll die accursed! Accursed!

Come, my soldiers, make them crash. I want to enjoy the crash!

You have won again? - It's my lucky day, today.

Even not being present at the torture,..

.. was lucky. I don't know, but violence males me sick.

Bravo, and you're a soldier!

Eh, us meridionals, we are sentimental!

I have always liked to watch torture.

All those scenes with bones and skulls,..

.. the burial niche and tombs, the coffin with the hand that...

To me always the... the monks, the monks make me...

Forward, sisters, charge!

Help, the sisters!

How are you feeling, Smilzo? As if I'm missing something.

- Marchioness! - Come on, push!

- It's not my fault! - I'll be revenged, damn you.

Don Emanuel will revenge me! And if not he, then my son will!

Have mercy! Mercy for Pasquale Cicciacalda. I'm a father of 12 sons, 6 twins.

Oh, father! Father, pray for our souls!

Marchioness, harden your stomach! Harden your stomach!

Our people are coming!

Smilzo, what's happening?

The sisters, the sisters!

Charge them, soldiers! Virginia!

Attack, sisters!

Now, to the two of us, don Egidio!

Come that I pierce you!

How well you're fighting!

Take this! And this!

- You're like a penguin! - I'll show you!

I've always wanted to fight a woman!

But what are you doing? With the chain? Delinquent!

I'll pierce you!

You're so beautiful, Virginia, I like you more than before!

But I hate you more than before, don Egidio, and you know it!

- We're here, Pasquale, we're here! - Mamozio!

- Pasquale! - Mamozio!

get me down, quickly. I'll show you.

Give me the club!

God gave it to me, awe on who touches it.

Drop dead, coward!

- Well done monk, nice strike! - If we monks don't help each other...

- Stop everyone! - What is it?

- My brother,late as usually! - Oh, shit!

- Fiorenza! - Emanuel, at last!

- Where's our son? - Safe. - God be praised.

Yes, thanks to your sister and to these brave monks.

Thank you, Ittle sister. These two monks I couldn't care less!

Where's don Egidio? Where's this... Criminal!

Don Egidio, damned pig, you're at last into my hands!

O, God, even the firemen.

- You became a fireman? - How do you know?

I'll take care of it.

Mister, mister!

Yes, the monk has...

Mamma mia bella, my head... The hit on the head...

Ah, how it hurts this head, how it hurts!

My head hurts!