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The Barrandov Film Studio presents

The Second Part of Jaroslav Hašek's THE GOOD SOLDIER SCHWEIK

BEG TO REPORT

I AM

HERE

AGAIN!

Hurry up, Schweik! We're leaving presently!

Film Adaptation

Music

Played by Conducted by

Set design Designer

Costume Designer Make-up

Sound Engineer Editor

Assistant Director, Assistant Camera Script, Assistant Architect

Assistant Editor Deputy-Chief of Production

Production Chief

Featuring

Camera

Directed by

Produced by the Barrandov Film Studio

We've lost a suitcase!

And you say it just like that, you nincompoop?

Beg to report, Sir, it was stolen!

There've always been and will be thieves galore at railway stations.

Take the Northwestern railway station, for instance.

One lady had a pram stolen with a teeny little girl right inside it.

Shut up!

I never know if you just play stupid or whether you were born so.

It would take another man a thousand years to perform

as many tomfooleries as you've managed in my service.

Haven't you noticed this as well?

Beg to report, I indeed have.

I'm a keen observer, Sir.

But usually when it's too late and there's a bad moon on the rise.

I'm just as unlucky as a certain Nechleba from Nekázanka.

He'd frequent the "Dog's Kennel" pub...

Gimme a break with your reminiscences.

-What was in that suitcase? -Nothing much, Sir.

The hall mirror and coat-hanger,

which belonged to the landlord anyway.

As soon as we conquer some town,

we'll get hold of another coat-hanger.

Shut up! As soon as we get to Budèjovice, we'll get this settled.

You know, Schweik, that I'm going to have you arrested?

Beg to report, that I do not, you forgot to mention it before.

With your permission, Sir,

aren't you a certain Mr Purkrábek, an agent of the Slavia Bank?

Beg to report, Lieutenant, I've read in the paper

that every decent human being should have 60 to 70000 hair on his head.

That black hair tends to be thinner, as can be seen from many cases.

And a medic told me once at the Špirka Café that hair loss

is due to emotional turbulence during the postpartum period.

-Du Schweinkerl! Du verfluchter... -I meant no offence to you, Sir.

When you don't know how to behave on a train, you should stay...

-Lieutenant! Where did you graduate from the Cadet School? -In Prague.

And you don't know that an officer is responsible for his subordinate?

That's a nice thing, indeed!

Second: you speak to your batman as if he were a friend of yours!

And you permit him to speak without being asked to!

And third: you also permit him to offend your superiors!

That's the nicest of it all! You'll soon feel the consequences of this!

-What's your name? -Lukáš, Sir.

-Where are you stationed? -I was...

I'm not asking where you've been! I want to know where you are now!

I've just been posted from Prague to Budèjovice!

So, you've been posted! Good on you!

It won't do you any harm to inspect some battlefield soon!

-That's been decided some time ago. -Hmm.

Schweik, the moment has finally come for you

to get your face slapped in a way the world has never seen!

Why did you attack that bald-headed gentleman?

Do you know he's Major-General von Schwarzburg?

That I didn't know, but he's the spitting image of Mr Purkrábek!

Shut your trap! Your stupidity's landed me in trouble many times!

-But, Lieutenant... -And don't follow me around all the time!

-With your permission, Sir... -Yes, yes.

-Could I ask you something? -Ask away.

I used to know a fellow called Hofman,

He always insisted emergency signals are ineffective and never work.

So, I'd like to know if that's true...

That fellow was lying, of course they work. Look, if you pull this...

-Downwards, you mean? -Of course downwards, not upwards.

...the train will stop.

The brakes are connected through all the cars with the engine.

The emergency brakes must work, see?

It was here, engine-driver!

The soldier pulled the emergency cord!

Shouldn't we move on, chaps?

It's not good for a train to be late.

If it was in peacetimes, it wouldn't matter,

but now there's a war on, and everybody should know

the train might be carrying military personnel.

Generals, lieutenants, batmen...

Such delays are awkward things.

At Waterloo, Napoleon was only five minutes late

and went down in flames with all his glory! -Schweik!

Beg to report, they're blaming me for stopping the train!

Get in, will you! Immediately!

Get in, get in! We're going! I'll show you!

I'd have never believed a train could stop just like this...

This'll cost you twenty crowns...

I didn't do it, look at me, you can see I'm no urchin, am I?

I'm not going to argue with you!

The stationmaster at Tábor will explain it to you properly!

As you please. I always enjoy talking to educated folks.

Folks, I'm innocent! Upon my soul!

Pardon me, what's happening?

They're just bothering a poor little soldier here!

Folks, help me explain to this gent here that I'm innocent!

You're keeping us from work! Either you pay 20 crowns, or...

A man going to war

to offer his life for the Emperor doesn't take money...

Listen, stationmaster, it's nothing to fuss over.

Give me a receipt and I'll pay the fine for the soldier.

-What a decent gent. -You can see he's a good-hearted soul.

Waiter, the bill!

I've had two beers, and this soldier two sausages, a goulash,

four rolls and five beers! Keep the change.

The fact you've lost your Lieutenant with the papers needn't worry you!

Here's a fiver for your ticket. Don't be silly, take it!

Everybody seems to be off to Russia!

You need to be smart and not stay on the front for too long.

We're Czechs after all, aren't we?

As soon as you're in Russia, as a P.O.W.,

give my greetings to innkeeper Zeman, in Zdolbunov.

All you need to tell him is: Greetings from Tábor, he'll know.

And drink, man, drink!

The express for Veseli, Horni Dvořištè, Vienna, ready to leave!

Magyarúl?

I'm a Czech, my lad!

-Would you like a drop? -Nem tudom, barátom.

No matter, just have a drink!

Drink it up, man, drink it up!

-Köszönöm szivesen. -Don't mind it, man!

Waiter, bring us some more, will you?

Train for Sobèslav, Mezimosti, and České Budèjovice, all aboard!

-Front, nix? -No way, my lad! Nothing for me.

Moskali, pif, paf, puf!

You... Du...

Angriff?

Vorwärts?

Ah, Rückzug...

Laufschritt...

Waiter! Another round!

Ihre Dokumente! Militärpolizei!

Három gyermek... Három!

I understand. You've got three kids?

-Elhén, Elhén! -Go on, drink up, My Hungarian friend!

-You wouldn't treat us like this, would you? -Ihre Dokumente!

So, also... Your documents, schnell!

I don't have any, miláčku/darling!

Was ist das, "miláčku"?

Miláčku, das ist wie Herr Feldwebel!

What are you saying, darling?

You're all alone?

Of course I'll be with you in a jiffy, I'm on my way. Bye bye!

-Herein. -...and all this on Christmas Eve.

Beg to report, Lieutenant,

this man has been found at the station with no papers!

It must be at this very moment! Come here!

What were you doing at the station?

Beg to report, I was waiting for a train to České Budèjovice,

to join up with the 91st Battalion, where I'm for It. Lukáš,

whom I had to leave as I was brought here to be fined,

under the suspicion of having stopped the express

by means of the emergency cord!

I don't understand any of this!

Give it to me straight, no more gibberish!

Sir, ever since we got onto the express, we've had bad luck.

You mean with the emergency cord?

No, at the start we lost a suitcase.

-And then a major-general, quite bald-headed... -Come to the point!

Before the whole matter was settled, the train left and I was left behind

like an orphan, without any sort of documents.

Why didn't you follow with the next train?

Beg to report, while I was waiting for this next train,

the misfortune befell me of drinking one beer after another.

Do you know what it means, to call somebody a degenerate?

Beg to report, Sir, in our street there once lived a degenerate,

his father was a Polish nobleman and his mother a midwife.

He cleaned the street and wanted to be called "Your Excellency"!

I've had enough of you!

You're now going to the counter to buy a ticket for Budèjovice

and will leave immediately, understood?

Beg to report, Sir, I've understood, but I've got no money at all!

I spent all I had on beer.

In that case, you rogue, you'll have to walk.

As far as I'm concerned,

they can put you in gaol at your regiment, for being late!

Take this man out of here and show him the way to Budèjovice!

Caught you by surprise, didn't I?

You're no gendarmes, but policemen!

Instead of raising watchfulness by 1000%, you're becoming beastly!

Don't sneeze when you're reporting to me!

All you ever do is lie about at home,

thinking this damned war can go to hell! -Sir...

Wait a minute, you! Come here!

That's our charwoman, Sir.

Tell me where they had that pig slaughtered!

At the mill, Sir! The pig was over 180 kg net weight!

-If you wouldn't take offence, Sir, I would... -Take it away!

-We also have nice pickled meat. -Shut up, man!

-The weight of a dead pig, that you know... -Captain, Sir...

That the woods teem with deserters, that doesn't concern you at all!

Every day, I send you circulars, instructions, questionnaires,

secret dispatches...! Don't I? And where are they?

Got them all, Captain, everything!

Everything in perfect order, Captain.

Captain, I've locked all the papers up in the wardrobe.

Where are those keys again... Here they are...

That's a nice thing! You haven't removed the seals at all, have you?

An official seal, Captain...

So you're not interested in what's going on at the battlefield?

Our victorious armies march forward!

Yeah, um, of course... -Yes, Sir.

But the transfer of our armies in East Galicia has caused

parts of the Russian armies to cross the Carpathians...

The Russians are sending spies across the front, over to our side.

There's many a special trained Czech among those spies.

These are the most dangerous ones, as they speak Czech very well.

Therefore everybody who's in the least suspicious

must be apprehended and questioned thoroughly.

You must also send a report every week

regarding the mood of the local inhabitants.

The local people are much too dumb to be spies.

In a time of war, we must be especially observant and careful!

You have to find a way to get the people's confidence!

Besides, you'll have some money granted to you,

to pay out to a local informer

who'll bring you all the news in time, still warm!

Good day, soldier! Where are you going?

To join my regiment at Budèjovice, grandma, to go to the war!

You're going the wrong way, my lad, you'll never get there!

This way you'll get to Klatovy...

I can get to Budèjovice from there too.

Look, my lad, wait for me behind that barn over there...

I'll bring you some potato soup, to warm you up!

Thanks, grandma, you're kind to me!

Eat it up, my boy, eat it up, it'll do you good!

Thanks, grandma.

Don't show yourself much in our village.

And try to avoid Ražice, too.

The gendarmes are as hard as nails, always on the lookout for deserters!

Cross the meadows to get directly to Heřman,

there's a very kind-hearted chief of police, he lets everybody pass.

-Do you have any papers? -I don't, grandma!

Than avoid Heřman too, and cross the wood to get to Protivin.

Where in the lower street you'll find an old Melichárek,

he's my brother, give him my very best.

And he'll show you the way to Budèjovice!

Thanks, grandma, now I have to go!

God be with you, my boy.

I've got two grandsons in the war!

And buy something to warm you up, it's a long way yet to Protivin!

-Goodbye, then... -Goodbye, soldier.

-Get on with you, Rampa! -Please...

Open the envelopes, sofort!

And you too, can't you stop sneezing?

I can't help it, I'm coming down with something.

-I'll have to lie down. -Of course!

The place's full of spies and you're gonna be ill!

That'd suit you... There'll be arrests!

Listen...

-Have you ever seen a spy? -Who, me? No... have you?

Well, I haven't seen one, but I would surely know him!

It's easy to say, "Get the favour of the local people," but how?

-I'd know how... -You would? Out with it.

I'm afraid...

-You'll say I'm talking out of my arse again... -Go on, say it!

Well... but I'd rather not, maybe it's just a silly idea.

You don't know a thing anyway and are just trying to pull my leg!

-If you insist, I'll tell you then. -I don't want to hear anything!

If Rampa over there was worth a penny, and if he wanted to,

he could learn a few songs on his bugle,

and get to be a member of the local band.

That's an idea...

Rampa!

-Leave everything and go practice! -But yesterday you told me to quit!

What was yesterday needn't be today.

An order is an order, do you hear? Take your bugle and go practice!

What about getting a paid informer?

I think right, I think left, and I can't make it out...

Johnny, come at the right moment, once in your life!

Come in, come in. I'm telling you.

Rampa, you're disturbing me during an official act!

But you just told me...

Go practice in the gaol for now, it's empty anyway.

Do you see that picture over there?

Do you know who it is? That's the Emperor.

Do you understand?

All right, here's 20 halers.

And if you hear that the Emperor's a beast

or that we won't win the war,

you'll come here and tell me who said it, understood?

Good. Now jump up!

Good then.

And we've got an informer!

Now I'll make out the report.

Where's the inkpot? Donnerwetter, you've lost it again!

-Here it is... -About time. Let's write.

Bribe...

...to local...

...informer.

Let's say fifty crowns, shall we?

Fifty crowns, then.

Have you got a light, pal?

You shouldn't walk about in this.

There's many a policeman around now.

And you can't go begging in it either.

Where are you headed?

-To Budèjovice... -For God's sake, man!

There they'll get you within within the hour.

Gotta wear civvies, dirty old ones, and pretend to be a cripple...

Don't worry, I'll sort you out.

Come with me to the old shepherd for the night,

we'll get you some civvies.

Come along, just come along.

My grandpa also deserted...

But that was during the war with old Napoleon.

Got him at Vodnany.

Beat up his arse so fierce he couldn't sit for weeks.

And he could count himself lucky.

The grandpa of Jaroš from Ražice

was executed at Pisek!

And when did you abscond?

Right after the draft! As soon as they took us to the barracks.

Did you climb the fence?

Of course, grandpa, I had no other choice!

And the guards... did they shoot?

-Yes, grandpa. -And where are you headed now?

He's crazy, he's off to Budèjovice!

A young chap, got no sense, cruising for his own destruction.

Help yourself, boys, you're welcome!

If this war lasts much longer,

people will have to eat roots and grass again.

They didn't appreciate the good life!

Even mutton wasn't good enough for them,

stuffing themselves with greasy pork and poultry all the time...

-Open up, grandpa! -A policeman! You've gotta hide!

Come on, quickly!

-Good evening. -Good evening, grandpa!

Don't tell me you've lost your way, my lad!

Of course not, we're looking for deserters.

-Here, at a sheep barn? -No, in the woods.

All I want from you is to warm up a little here.

That's a different matter, then!

The inhabitants of the village of Putim are absolutely loyal

and according to the instructions and grades

issued by the Emperor's ministry of interior,

the mood they are in can be labelled A1.

A paid informer has been recruited...

What's that damn fellow's name anyway?

I don't know, everybody calls him Johnny-Jump-Up.

What? Johnny... Jump... Up?

Excellent, write: John Jumper.

Chief, you've got a head...

That's why I'm chief at Putim, right?

You'll never be more than a corporal,

having a coconut for a head!

Right.

"The above-mentioned informer is a hard-working, diligent citizen,

loving His Majesty and the throne."

God, that hag added so many dill to the cucumber as if...

Where are we?

"loving His Majesty and the throne."

Yes, and his throne, quite all right!

Have a look outside, some tramp is hanging about there!

Come in, come in...

-Wishing you all a good afternoon! -You're welcome, soldier, sit down!

You must be tired anyways. Tell us, where are you going?

To Budèjovice, to join my regiment.

If that's the case, you're going the wrong way!

Look here, soldier.

That's us, Putim.

South from here, Protivin.

And south from there, Budèjovice.

So you can see you're not going to, but from Budèjovice!

And still I'm going to Budèjovice!

-Well, and where did you start from, to get to Budèjovice? -From Tábor.

-And what were you doing in Tábor? -Waiting for a train to Budèjovice!

And why didn't you take the train to Budèjovice?

Because I didn't have any money to buy a ticket with!

And why didn't they give you an army ticket for free?

Because I didn't have any papers!

There's many a Czech among those spies

and they've all been trained in special staff-schools.

And these are the most dangerous ones,

as they speak Czech very well.

Corporal! Search him!

I'll take my clothes off.

Get off me!

Why have you got nothing, absolutely nothing on you?

Because I don't need anything.

And what were you doing at the station in Tábor?

I just talked to soldiers,

asked them what regiment they served in, where they were going.

Just talked to soldiers, hm.

You didn't by any chance ask them how many men there're in a regiment?

I've known that by heart for a long time now!

-Do you speak Russian? -No.

He doesn't. No matter, we'll keep you here anyways.

Why not. It's nice and warm here, and the stove's in perfect order.

Close the door!

Come here!

Did you hear that? Doesn't speak Russian!

But I plastered him with questions, didn't I?

He's sure to be a superior officer. Of course!

The Russians are not gonna send a common private to spy for them!

Chief, I was flabbergasted! You're as clever as Sherlock Holmes!

Criminal investigation is based on brains and gentleness.

Go and get something to eat now!

Send the charwoman to the pub

and then tell her to make loads of tea with rum! Get out!

No, wait! Not a word to anybody!

It's a military secret! Go on!

Leave those classics alone

and get on with learning some folk songs!

Here we are!

Address: to the esteemed Bez... Bezirks... what am I doing?

The highly esteemed Bezirksgendarmerie Kommando, Pisek.

-Well, what do you say? It's good, isn't it? -Quite good, yes!

Just tell me, man,

how you can play a hunter's song when wearing a gendarme's uniform?

Stop it right away, before we get in trouble!

Well, according to all the signs,

the man must be a clever Russian spy,

who speaks the Czech language fluently and attempted...

...and attempted...

What was it he attempted to do...

Corporal! Come here!

He attempted to...

Why did you come in? Oh, did he get his dinner?

Pork, with sauerkraut and dumplings.

And what's he doing now?

He's drinking tea with rum and looks quite satisfied.

That's what I call cheek!

The fella must be fully aware he's facing certain death.

Must have nerves of steel.

If we had people like that in... Stop nodding your head!

Go question him again! If I don't do everything myself...

-Did you like your dinner? -Well, it was quite decent.

Pity there wasn't more sauerkraut.

The tea with rum was very good, too.

They drink a lot of tea in Russia.

-Do they have rum, too? -Well, rum's all over the world.

And are there pretty gals in Russia?

Pretty gals are also all over the world, chief!

Oh, come on, tell us how you like it here in Bohemia!

I like Bohemia very much.

I've met some very nice folks on my journey.

The folks here are decent.

A petty theft or brawl here and there... No matter.

Well, what were you gonna do at Budèjovice?

I was supposed to serve in the 91st Regiment and follow them to the front.

The easiest way to get to Russia.

Do you know how to take photographs?

Yes, I do.

-And why don't you carry a camera? -Because I haven't got one.

And if you had one, you'd take pics?

If I had one... That's not worth considering.

Tell me, is it difficult to make a picture of a railway-station?

Easier than most! It doesn't move all the time.

And you don't have to tell it to look pleasant!

We'll take you to Pisek tomorrow.

Have you been to Pisek before?

In 1910, as part of the Emperor's manoeuvres.

-The whole manoeuvres? -Sure, as a private of the infantry.

Corporal! Give him some more tea with rum

And for me too! And put more rum in it!

Slavic brothers, our nation's alive!

Slavic brothers, our nation's alive!

Thunder and hell, and all your power,

manage nothing against us!

My dear Slavic brother!

Come on, my little spy!

Don't worry!

The Cossacks will be in Moravia any minute now...

Long live the Russian Tsar!

-Let's make him King of Bohemia! -Sure!

They have to keep Franz Josef locked up in the lavatory anyways,

otherwise he'd dirty the whole castle of Schönbrunn!

Cut it out, fellas, we're in a police-station!

Grandma!

Come here! Go to the pub and tell them

to send me another bottle of aniseed brandy!

Please, master, give me some money.

You owe me for three years' cleaning...

Shut up, grandma, or I'll have you arrested!

We know for a fact your son's a poacher! Get out!

-Corporal! Where're you going? -Gotta go outside!

Tell me that even in Russia they have no better brandy than here!

-Come on, admit it, be a man! -They don't!

You don't know how pleased I am you've admitted it!

That's how it should be at a questioning! Come here, my lad!

Gimme a kiss... gimme...

Well, haven't you misbehaved again! You sure showed your true colours!

In front of the charwoman you shouted: "Long live Russia!"

You didn't exactly hold back either, chief.

You said our Emperor's due to kick the bucket any day now,

and Emperor Wilhelm is but a beast!

-What... I said that? -You did. And you also shouted...

-Shut up! -I'm only telling the truth.

How can you recall anything! You were drunk as a skunk,

your eyes were as small as a pig's and you tried to climb the stove

when you wanted to get out of the door!

Been always telling that alcohol's a destructive element.

You can't take it and still you keep on drinking!

Get hold of yourself! You gotta take that spy over to Pisek,

to hand him over to the captain. He'll be very pleased with us!

-I'll go and get him, yes? -Go!

Listen, corporal. Rampa, call our charwoman to come and see me!

Come and see the chief, come on...

-Good morning! -Good morning!

-Did you sleep well? -So, so... and you?

Thanks for asking, but I can sleep anywhere.

Only the pillow under my head, you should have it changed,

I think it must be made from duck feathers.

Well! Now the corporal is going to take you to Pisek,

to the Bezirksgendarmeriekommando.

You don't know how pleased I am.

I was almost afraid you'd keep me here till the end of the war!

According to the regulations, I should have you handcuffed.

But as you are an otherwise decent human being,

we shall not handcuff you. Corporal, take him away!

So, good luck for the journey, and remember me!

God be with you, chief, thanks a lot for everything you've done for me.

As soon as I'll have the chance, I'm going to write to you.

If I ever pass this way again, I shall look you up.

For heaven's sake, what does the chief want with me?

That I don't know, I only know he's terribly cross,

you must've done something horrible last night!

For heaven's sake, that isn't true!

Come here, Mrs Pejzlar!

Listen, woman,

yesterday you had the chance to witness a major event.

Maybe your stupid brain can't grasp it,

but that man was a spy!

-For heaven's sake! -Indeed, and that's not all!

To get some evidence out of him, we had to say various things

-in front of him, you heard us, didn't you? -I did, chief.

Now, woman, you've got to remember, you're part of an official secret.

Not a word about it to anyone, not even on your deathbed.

Otherwise you won't be given a Christian burial!

For heaven's sake!

Why did I, unfortunate person, ever come here?! For heaven's sake!

Don't cry, step closer to the cross.

Lift two fingers of your right hand and repeat after me:

-I swear... -I swear...

-by God Almighty... -by God Almighty...

-and by you, chief of police... -and by you, chief of police...

...that I won't mention anything till my dying day.

...that I won't mention anything till my dying day.

Well and now, kiss the crucifix! Here.

Mr Flanderka!

Praised be the name of Jesus Christ!

Forever. My good woman, leave me alone with the chief of police.

Anything I can do for you, parson?

Chief, I met the village shepherd,

Johny Jump-Up, and he told me...

Don't take it the wrong way,

I'm just going to repeat what he said.

He said, "Master, the chief of police told me yesterday

that the Emperor is a beast and that we won't win the war!"

I'm surprised at you, discussing such things with him,

knowing well that he's an idiot, God forgive me.

-Whenever you want to talk... -What?

-Whenever you want to talk... -I can't hear you!

Whenever you want to talk, so that nobody else overhears you,

you have to start some music! -All right.

Look, he's watching us with curiosity!

He mustn't know who you are!

-Hello, innkeeper! -Yes?

If he knew who you were, he could cause a panic,

during the war forbidden! -I'm not going to cause a panic!

Leave it here, what's the use anyway...

My brother here's telling me we'll be in Pisek in a hour.

You're brothers?

-So your brother is on leave, eh? -His leave's over today.

-I see. -See how we fooled him?

-I think we should go now. -We'll go... of course we'll go.

Look, it's lunchtime.

Captain König will be having his lunch now anyways.

And if we get to Pisek at 4 o'clock, we'll still have plenty of time.

Go on, tell me, will the town of Pisek run away from us?

Of course it won't,

but I should like to be with my Lieutenant again.

Have a drink, he won't run away either.

Innkeeper, bring us a pack of cards, we'll have a game.

-Be sensible. -I'd like you to win all my money.

Talk to your brother, please!

He got drunk for the sheer joy at seeing me alive again.

Brother...

Did you hear that cannonade during the night?

Leave me alone with such...

Corporal, we'll have to go... It'll be dark soon!

Don't panic! Stay seated!

That's what instructions are for!

Do you know what instructions are for?

Instructions summarise regulations!

Come outside to get a breath of air. It will do you good!

Leave me alone, I'm glad we're in a warm place.

Those in the trenches now aren't as comfortable as we are!

-Now, don't you cause a panic! -Of course, panics are forbidden!

-Stop acting like such a fool! -What are you worrying about?

Brother, be sensible... take this.

Here, don't leave your cap behind!

Follow me! You'll regret having ever agreed to be a spy!

For sure!

Where are you going?

To Pisek! Just follow your nose!

And you'll get to Pisek!

I can't go on... Someone's holding me!

This won't do, fellow!

Where're your handcuffs? Hand them over!

-Do you like folk songs? -Come along, come on, I tell you...

Hello, uncle, wait a minute.

Follow me! Stop! Wait, till I'm across.

-Let's go back! -Come on, before I slap your face!

Behave yourself!

-Which regiment have you deserted? -None, Sir!

I'm following my Lieutenant, Mr Lukas, over to Budèjovice.

And why didn't you tell the constable at Putim

that it was all a mistake?

Because I saw it would be in vain.

I used to know an innkeeper at home,

who always said to people who owed him that some folks have moments

when they're just deaf to every sensible word!

Get up! Open your mouth!

Rum, cherry brandy, aniseed brandy,

nut liquor, eggnog and vanilla liquor!

To come here drunk,

to let yourself be wheeled in on a cart like a beast!

Well, no doubt Captain König will be pleased about you!

Lock him up! Till he's black in the face!

Come here, Captain, I'd like to ask you something!

Of course, with great pleasure, Colonel!

-Just go on playing, gentlemen... -Please, Lieutenant.

Tell me, why does Lieutenant Lukáš never spend his evenings with us?

It looks as if he were avoiding our company...

And he's a funny chap.

He's always preferred the company of women to a soldier's friendship.

Of course, the times of knights and round tables are over now!

In the old days, every officer tried to do his share in entertainment.

One fellow, a Lieutenant Denkl, he even undressed

and played the little mermaid for us...

But that fellow Lukáš must be a melancholic.

He's only embittered. He expected a promotion a long time ago...

-But surely his commander capacity is diminutive... -What do you mean?

That's proven by the fact he's got no idea where his batman's got to...

America clearly can't enter the war, it's wholly isolated by the ocean.

Sure, but the history of sea-battles teaches us... Take Trafalgar...

Cadet Biegler, German U-boats are in all the oceans,

as I mentioned to our district commander

already before the war! Isn't that right.

Do you hear the tripe Lieutenant Dub is spewing again?

Yesterday he was nothing but a stupid little professor of Czech,

and today he'd like to be equal to us, active officers!

Excuse me, Colonel, I'm taking this opportunity and dare to mention

-the fact that I need a new batman. -Do you know, Lieutenant,

such a curiosity as having a batman desert us can only occur to you.

-Listen, I've heard you can sing. -That isn't worth mentioning.

-Who told you, Colonel? -Don't be too modest, Lieutenant!

As far as the batman's concerned, speak to Sergeant Vanèk,

he'll find you a private. So, that's that.

Have you by any chance chosen someone from our company?

-I'm relying on you, Sergeant... -As you wish, Sir.

I'm not very lucky in choosing a batman,

as has been proved in the case of Schweik. -Did he steal?

By no means, he was an honest soul, but a terrific chatterbox.

He would yackety-yak so much he almost drove me nuts!

Thank God he's gone... I would've lost my mind!

Listen, man, don't keep me from my duty and come along!

I could give you a certain Baloun, but he's very clumsy...

Put a gun in his hand, he'll cause a mishap.

But in all other respects, a decent chap.

-Don't knock on the door! -There's a notice on the door:

"Nicht klopfen! Don't knock!" Damn you, come in you fool!

-Beg to report, Sir, I'm here again! -Schweik... oh...

Lieutenant, what's happening to you?

Beg to report, an official letter!

Take the lieutenant to the gate!

Well, Schweik, welcome to Budéjovice.

Those to be hanged will never drown!

They've put out a warrant on you!

I'm not going to bother myself with you again!

I've lost my patience!

When I imagine I've had to put up with such an idiot for so long!

I'm surprised at myself for not having you shot long ago!

What would've happened to me? The charge would be dismissed!

-Do you understand? -Beg to report, I do understand!

Don't start your foolishness again, or something will really go down!

I'm finished with you.

Quartermaster, take him to gaol!

Lieutenant, if you by any chance went looking for the stuff you use

to dye your gray hair with... -Out, you swine!

Beg to report, I'm getting out!

I must say you've got me an awesome batman, indeed!

He's been driving me insane for a month now! And today,

I send him off to get my lunch, and he eats half of it underway!

-Please, Sir, it got spilled... -Soup perhaps, but not the joint!

-What did you do with the strudel? -Please, I'm not to blame...

Speak, you twerp, what have you done with the strudel?

When I was walking across the yard, it fell into the mud...

Come and show me the place you dropped it!

It's not there anymore! A big, huge mutt came along...

Don't you lie to me, git! I saw you stuffing yourself in the yard!

-Lieutenant...! -Have you no control over yourself, man?

-You gotta eat your master's lunch? -Beg to report, I'm always hungry.

That's the way I'm built.

As soon as I smell food, I forget myself...

Have him tied up outside the kitchen.

And tell the cook to give his ration to the others!

Come along, Baloun!

Hallo! Lieutenant Lukáš!

Yes, yes. I understand.

Wait, Lieutenant, I'm going to send for your lunch!

Thank you, but I'm called to attend a Besprechung with the Colonel.

Damn! Think it might be marching orders?

Nah, it's not so hot.

I've had my marching orders thrice, and the last company I was with,

went over to the Ruskis with all the officers, commander included!

I was only spared because I'd been sent behind

the lines to get rum for the lads, what a sweet copout, ha-ha.

Next time there's an attack on, you won't be behind the lines

getting rum, I can assure you! -Of course, but...

It's been pointed out to me you're an old boozer, with your red nose...

My nose got frost-bitten in the Carpathians!

Look!

That's a nice bone, innit?

I think you should have the sect of the Hesychasts,

they looked at their tummies all day long,

till they thought it had a halo.

Well, have a bite, come on... Have a bite.

You know me, I don't like doing such things.

But it can't be helped. The army is the army!

Beg to report, Sir, I've just been released from gaol!

Schweik...

I was told to hand these papers over to you, Sergeant,

to get pay and food of course. Beg to report, Sir...

Schweik, shut your trap!

You'd do well to leave us alone.

You dumb beast! Shall I never get rid of you?

Which nitwit sent you here again?

Beg to report, Sir, the Colonel!

First, he called me on the carpet,

then he told me to report to you as orderly.

You, an orderly? That Colonel must have gone insane!

I wouldn't know about that, but he was telling me very sensibly

to try to avoid all further trouble and not to bring any shame to you.

-As if I'd ever done that. -Yes, hmmm.

If I've ever done anything wrong, it was just an accident.

I've done nothing intentionally...

I always meant well...

Butt if it turned out to bring trouble for both us,

it was just because I was clumsy...

Now don't you start weeping here.

Beg to report, I'm not weeping.

I only suddenly felt sorry for both of us,

as we're the two most unfortunate men in this war and under the Sun...

and neither of us really to blame.

Schweik, calm yourself!

Beg to report, that if it wasn't against regulations,

I'd have to say that I can't get over it, but as it is,

I've got to say, that according to your orders, I'm quite calm...

Yes, speaking... Coming...

You wait here till I return.

Look, get out of my way, will you?

Quartermaster, I'm very sorry.

I can't oblige you, as I got my orders from high up.

-It happens I'm here as orderly! -You don't say!

What's your civilian profession, Quartermaster?

Well, I'm Vanèk, and I keep a drugstore in Kralupy.

That's good. I've been apprenticed in a drugstore too!

-You don't say? -With a certain Kokoška on the Pernštejn in Prague.

He was a funny bloke.

When I set fire to a tin with gas in his cellar once,

he chased me away.

Yes, I'm coming...

I've got to go to the office. I don't like that, seems so sudden.

It could be marching-orders. Damn that life!

To hell with you!

Captain Sagner,

you've been appointed commander of the unit to be sent off,

get everything ready now!

Judging by all the signs, you'll be on the battlefield in a fortnight.

-Hallo, what do you want? -ls Vanèk anywhere around?

I'm coming back, then I'll settle the matter with you!

If Vanèk is not there, listen carefully to what I'm going to say.

Immediately, once you put the receiver down...

Hallo!

You told me to put the receiver down.

You lout, you tramp, you...

I'll be back in an hour, and you can look forward to my coming!

You go get the corporal right away, tell him to take the handyman

and start drawing canned provisions from the store...

Did you understand?

But, Sir, what do you think of me? Of course.

Yes, I'm gonna look after it all.

I'm no duffer, am I?

Gents, at the last two stations we passed, I received two wires.

Both are signed by the brigade- commander, Knight von Herbert.

"Cook your food quickly and march towards Sokal.

Include your cars into the Eastern group.

Field security to be abolished. Build a bridge over the river Bug."

-That's... -Wait! "Further instruction in the papers."

Signed Knight von Herbert, brigade-commander.

Permit me, Sir, I have a map here. Excuse me, but just like yours...

I find some of the general's instructions somewhat...

Cadet Biegler, do you want to argue with the brigade-commander's orders?

-You're just an officer embryo! -Of course!

I've decided to get fame on the battlefield of honour and glory!

As every infantry-soldier can become a field-marshall...

You'll have the opportunity... During the first night attack!

The second wire reads:

"lmmediately start cannon-training according to the news

of yesterday's Neue Freie Presse.

Pay every man 6 crowns for conquering our fortress, Přemyšl."

Soldiers shouldn't get any money at all!

The true arms in war are patriotism, fidelity to one's duty,

self-denial and similar sentiments.

I mentioned that already before the war to our local authorities!

Look, that girl we saw dancing at Budèjovice, is now in Budapest,

with the "Small Theatre" Company!

I think, Kunert, your Lieutenant is a very nice chap!

-Like a real father to the soldiers. -That's your opinion, he's a swine!

You don't say! Nice way to talk about your Lieutenant!

-He's not a regular, is he? -No.

-And what's his civilian profession? -He's a teacher of Czech.

I envy you, man.

You've a chance to learn some real Czech language during the war,

and speak like a writer!

Schweik! What're you doing here?

Beg to report, Sir, Kunert and I have just discussed Lieutenant Dub.

-What a nice character he has... -All right. Now, Schweik...

Go and tell Baloun to bring me a roll with liver pâté.

-It's in my suitcase, packed in tinfoil. -Orders, Sir!

Kunert,

I've already told you not to speak to that rascal Schweik!

He's a good-for-nothing and a subversive element.

Why did you talk to him?

Don't you know how to answer, you beast?

Beg to report, Sir, I wasn't speaking to him, he spoke to me!

You lout, you don't know me yet!

But when you get to know me, I'll make you cry! Ha!

Baloun! You're supposed to bring the Lieutenant a roll with pâté!

I ain't got it! I ain't got it!

I just unwrapped it...

To see whether it's not spoiled...

I just smelled it... I just tasted it...

And then you swallowed it whole, tinfoil and all!

You, Baloun, should keep control over yourself.

Anytime you face such a problem, which you've just gorged on,

just ask yourself: What relation is that pâté to me?

Only thanks to my intervention have you remained batman.

They wanted to transfer you to the medical corps,

to transport the wounded from the battlefield, during the battle.

Aren't you ashamed? You, a soldier?

I wasn't built for the war...

Please, I'm always hungry because I miss the ordinary routine.

Ask the Captain at the Division HQ. About 500 yards from here.

Captain Tayerle.

I'm telling you in confidence, you can throw those wires away.

The brigade commander has gone mad.

You know - paralysis!

-He's sending out such crazy wires all over the place. -But why...

Well, it takes some time before the ministry finds out...

Such things cause errors, chaos...

War is a chaotic enterprise anyway.

Calm yourself, even chaotic orders get you to the trenches in the end.

This is where your train ends, from here you march.

But don't worry about tomorrow...

Tonight we'll have a dance.

There're some pretty tarts here, sogennante Engelhuren.

There's even a general's daughter, she used to be a lesbian.

And a young Lieutenant... he likes to dress up in women's drags.

-Just wait, you'll see. -All right.

Hab Acht!

You think I am stuffing you here like pigs for a slaughter?

Less gobbling, more running!

When are you going to split your seams, you pigs?

Orders, Sir!

That's what I call discipline!

Remember, the enemy uses cunning weaponry!

He founds brothels in deserted towns and in these, he implants...

women with uh, STD's, to cause losses in our ranks!

I'm warning you, I'll punish all I find there!

Beg to report, we should be told where such enemy brothels are.

-As it could happen... -Do you know me?

-I know you, Sir. -Perhaps you know my good points.

But you get to know my bad points, and I'll surely make you cry!

-So, you say you know me, or don't you? -I do know you!

I'm telling you for the last time you don't know me yet, you moron!

-Do you have any brothers? -Beg to report, I've got one.

And is he as much of a nincompoop as you? What's he do for a living?

He's a professor, a soldier as well, he, too, passed the officer tests...

Abtreten!

Gents, I've just been to the Brigade HO. This is where our train ends.

Tomorrow we start marching towards our positions.

All the officers will have to... Where's Lieutenant Dub?

Heinrich, be so kind and send an orderly to fetch him...

-Captain, may I remark... -Cadet Biegler!

-Schweik! -I'm here, Sir!

You don't happen to know where we could find It. Dub?

Right now he's in the coffeehouse opposite the railway-station.

He announced to the whole unit he'd search all of the brothels in town

and that all those found there would be punished severely!

Take Kunert along and go get him!

It's very nice there, but your It. doesn't seem to be here.

We've got to go upstairs.

-Haben Sie Geld, mein Held? -Was?

-Drei Kronen für einen Mann... -Három korona, három...

It's very nice of you to welcome us as heroes,

but we've got no time to be playing hanky-panky...

Well, either start it up, or hinaus! The lady isn't here for fun.

Don't shout at me, Madame, or I'll slap your face for you!

-Hilfe! Hilfe! -Halt! Entry for officers only!

Keep your filthy hands off me, you dunce!

We're here in the interests of the entire army!

Wait...

-Well, what do you want? -I'm afraid.

Keep it together!

Halt! Hab acht!

Quit fooling around!

Come here, Kunert! Pour me another one!

Here you go, drink. Besetzt, besetzt!

Come in, come in!

If it's the schoolroom key you want, just ask the attendant downstairs!

Beg to report, you've got to dress now and go attend a conference!

Ah, so you're the urchin who damaged the globe!

Remember!

In wartime, such behaviour just won't get excused!

But, Lieutenant...

Ah, it's you, Schweik?

So I've found you out, you lout! I'll show you... Ouch.

Lieutenant... Come and help me!

-Where am I? -You happen to be at a brothel.

Inscrutable are the ways of the Lord.

It's interesting, not even in winter have I sweated as much as this.

Lieutenant...

You don't know me...

But when you get to know me, I'll make you weep!

You don't know me, but when...

Schweik! What're you doing here?

Beg to report, we're playing cards!

An innocent game, one played on Christmas Eves,

when there's peace and love in everybody's heart...

Quit fooling!

Well, come here!

Take this soap, but don't forget to give it back!

Did you see that? He's lent me his soap!

You know, we're out in the lines. The officers get much nicer.

You ever-hungry fellow,

I'm surprised you haven't eaten us yet!

Go away, wait till the food's ready!

What sort of life is this!

At home, I'd make my own sausages,

and I'd eat so much stuffing I'd almost burst!

And afterwards, the beer!

That makes a fellow feel happy!

And all this the war's taken away from us!

Are you on the lookout for the enemy, Schweik?

I'm wondering if there's a fire-brigade over there.

When Odkolek's mills were on fire in Prague,

fire-brigades came from all over the town...

Are you playing the fool again?

Tell me, Schweik, are you really this daft?

Not everybody can be clever, the daft ones must be the exception,

cause if everyone was to be clever, there'd be so many brains around,

that every other person would go completely daft!

You know, Schweik,

I'm surprised at myself I'm still talking to you...

That's caused by the fact we've known each other for so long,

and that we've suffered through a lot.

And always got blamed for things that we shouldn't have been blamed for.

That's our fate, you know.

What the Emperor orders, he orders well...

It's funny how you tend to speak triflingly of the officer corps.

-And even of illustrious personages. -That never even entered my head!

I think that's caused by the fact that human life is so complicated,

that the life of one person is quite irrelevant in comparison.

Beg to report, Sir, orders from the Brigade HQ!

What the devil! A change of marching orders again!

Instead of Sambor, we're to go to Feldstein.

Are they crazy at the Brigade HO, or what? Schweik!

Find Vanèk, you'll go to Feldstein as quartermasters.

And take Baloun along, I've had quite enough of him!

According to the map, there should be a chapel here...

Wait. Over there!

It's all the same, as there's none both here nor there!

But the chapel must be here somewhere, it's the official map...

-I think we should ask someone... -But whom? -That's the question.

This thing drives me insane... Such funny names all over the place.

Friends!

They've sent us ahead as reconnaissance patrol!

They've given us up already! They'll be shooting at us!

In that case, we'll give our lives for the Emperor!

But what about my farm at home!

Wait a sec, we need to consider where to go from here...

-I'd go along this little brook... -Don't be silly!

There's no brook on this map!

Let's go back, pals!

Let's say there's no Feldstein, that the HQ's made a mistake.

You keep your trap shut!

Look here, you've got a compass?

A map can be wrong.

The lieutenant said we can't lose our way!

-So why should I climb a hill? -Schweik, be reasonable!

If you insist, you go your way, and I'll go mine!

Hey there, pal!

Wait for me!

Do you know how to build a railway? Are you a Tatar?

No Tatar, Cherkessk!

Beg to report, Sir, I'm no engineer.

I'm the orderly of the 11th Company of the 91st Regiment!

I've fallen into captivity with our own forces.

-I know it's funny, but this is how it happened... -You're a Czech?

-From Prague. -Send him to gaol! And in isolation!

-But gents, I'm really no engineer! -Have him court-martialled!

Such a comic story's happened to me a short while ago.

I sentenced a teacher to death, and issued the order

that he should be hanged on the first tree in sight.

I'd quite forgotten we were amid the steppe, not one tree anywhere.

But an order is an order.

So they took that teacher and went to look for a tree.

They came back in the evening...

With the teacher!

Fortunately, this can't happen here, there're trees under our windows.

Well, major-prosecutor, let's start with the proceedings!

We've put one of our informers in with the imprisoned Schweik.

It was quite easy for him to get the information he's been to Kiev

and so we've got reliable material at our disposal.

A clear case, prosecutor!

Congrats, you're lucky, another execution!

Bring the convict in! I mean... the accused!

And be quick about it!

The cook's sent me a message

that a kidney pie would be ready at half past eleven.

You've betrayed our Emperor!

For heaven's sake, when?

I, a traitor of our grand Emperor for whom I've suffered so much?

Stop the shenanigans! Here's the proof of your guilt!

I'm asking you for the last time!

Did you dress in a Russian uniform of your own will or under duress?

-Of my own free will! -No duress? -None at all!

Are you aware you're damned?

All I'm aware of is they're looking for me at the 91st Regiment.

And if you allow me, Major, I'd like to make a minor remark

about what happens when people put on somebody else's clothes.

I knew a book-binder, a certain Božetèch from Prague...

-What name did you say? -Božetèch.

Božetèch, Josef. 16, Pricna Street, Prague.

But I'm not sure he's still there,

because what I'm about to relate to you happened in... 1908, I'd say.

The Prague police will surely find him.

Enough, take him outside!

The court will consider the case.

I suggest we wait with the judgement

till we hear from the 11th Company of the 91st Regiment,

as the accused claims to be a member of that Company.

I say, why wait? The case is crystal clear.

Execute him, on my responsibility! Auf meine eigene Verantwortung!

General, a conviction is the result of certain investigations,

which attempt to connect the threads of certain ties,

and it's these certain ties which might lead us

to uncovering nets of spies...

No matter! Before the report from the Brigade comes in,

the priest can prepare him anyways. He's sure to hang!

Hurry up, gentlemen, a kidney pie must be eaten while fresh...

Beg to report, Sir, a wire from the Brigade!

Infantry private, Josef Schweik, orderly of the 11th Company,

got lost on the 16th of this month, while crossing to Chyrow-Feldstein.

-Didn't I tell you he's a rascal?! -Get private Schweik to his unit!

You see? That's the result of those "certain threads" of yours!

There's been many a trouble because of such antlers.

Even the Archduke Ferdinand, the one that got shot at Sarajevo...

Come in!

Man, what got into you?

To change into a Russian uniform on the banks of some lake,

to let yourself get caught and join a party of prisoners,

only an utter moron can do that!

Beg to report, Sir, I've noticed sometimes I really am weak-minded.

Especially towards the evening...

Shut up, you lout! Abtreten!

For all I care, they can hang him at the Brigade!

-Well, have you slaughtered him yet? -He's hanging already, captain!

Will there be liver-sausages, too?

Everything as it should be, Sir! Jurajda's mixing the stuffing!

Just wait and see!

-Jurajda, here're the casings! -Have you washed them properly?

-Baloun, keep your fingers away! -Let me just have a taste, friend!

A taste? I'll show you!

For heaven's sake, friends, have a heart!

Take him away, but far, otherwise he'll eat the whole officer's pig!

-Take him away! -Quartermaster, let me just smell the stuffing!

-You can eat the skins, you rascal! -For god's sake, let me, friends...

I say, Henry, you're unlucky with your batman!

-They've already issued an order to arrest Schweik! -You don't say!

I'm quite pleased. That'll help me to get rid of him.

Gentlemen!

Beg to report, Sir, I'm here again!

Lord, he's here again!

Where've you been, you scoundrel?

Do you know that the battalion has issued an order to arrest you?

Of course, they've proceeded quite correctly, that was their duty,

it's no small matter when one of the Emperor's soldiers goes missing.

I'll have to kick you, you beast!

Tell me, comprehensively, what you've been up to again!

Beg to report, they wanted to shoot me as a traitor to the Emperor!

For God's sake, what are you saying?

Beg to report, that wasn't the worst.

I didn't get my pay the whole time!

You goddamned rascal!

You're lucky I don't want to spoil my mood for the pig-slaughter feast!

Gents, let's go!

Schweik, you misbehave one more time,

and that'll be the end of you!

Beg to report, when you're at war, you've got to be prepared.

You should never be surprised.

Only yesterday, some general wanted to have me executed!

-Why on earth didn't he? -That's what I call fate, Sir!

What would you do without me? And I without you?

Get out of my sight!

-Hey, look, he's alive! -Hallo, lads!

-Where've you been wandering? -Hey, Fatty! I've missed you!

A coffee with a shot of rum will do you good!

And there'll be liver-sausages and pork, you've come right on time!

I'm truly happy to be with my own people again.

I don't know what you'd've done if they'd held me up somewhere

and the war would've lasted a couple more years longer.

Say, Schweik, how long do you think this war is going to last?

-Fifteen years. -How'd you figure that out?

It's obvious.

We've had a Thirty Years War, today folks have twice more brains,

that means divide 30 by 2 and you'll get 15.

Halt! Get back!

Are you insane! There're people here!

Follow me, gents!

Mother, help!