Original subtitles

OLDER TED: This is the story of two blind dates. One in 2009,

and one seven years earlier.

In all that time, my dating routine remained more or less the same.

Until the fall of 2009, when I finally had a date that was different

because it was exactly the same.

I was on a blind date with the same woman

I went on a blind date with seven years earlier.

- Ted? - Jen?

It's nice to meet you.

OLDER TED: And she didn't remember it. But then again...

It's nice to meet you, too.

OLDER TED: ... neither did I.

- Do you want to? - Yeah.

Guess who just got four tickets to the Origins of Chewbacca Star Wars exhibit?

- Why? - No, I said, "Guess who?"

I heard you.

Yeah, isn't it a little early in our relationship

to do something that would end our relationship?

What? No, what are you talking about?

It can be our first double date as couples!

And plus, it sounds awesome!

Is the original Chewbacca going to be there?

Peter Mayhew, in the fur. Who's with me?

Hey, do you think they'll have Wookiee-to-English dictionaries there?

I mean, even just an everyday phrase book would be helpful.

We're not going to the Origins of Chewbacca exhibit, Marshall.

It's in Houston this year. Everyone knows that.

I just wanted to get rid of the girls.

Where are you taking me, Barney?

OLDER TED: This wasn't the first time your Uncle Barney had kidnapped one of us.

Wait a second. The Origins of Chewbacca exhibit's in Montreal this year.

Everyone knows that.

Where are you taking me?

My guy in the DA's office scored us front row seats to a lethal injection.

But we're still stopping for chili dogs first.

Stop the cab.

Where are you taking me?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Barney, why are we here?

Marshall, now that Robin and I are together,

I've learned a lot about relationships by watching you and Lily.

- Thanks, man. - You're a terrible couple.

Lily has taken all the man out of you.

I used to think that's just every relationship.

But what I've got with Robin proves that you can have a girlfriend

and fully functioning male genitalia all at the same time.

Okay, right. So, if Robin knew that you were here,

she would be completely fine with it?

Are you kidding? She'd sprint down here with a purse full of singles

and a poncho for the 10:30 Jell-O show.

B t dub, I called ahead, it's lime.

OLDER TED: Meanwhile, Jen and I were in my favorite first date restaurant

for the second time.

- So, Jen, what do you do? - I'm between jobs. Banking crisis.

I'm between jobs. Internet bubble burst.

Makes me realize I should go into something more stable, like banking.

- So, what about you? - I'm an architect.

Hopefully, one day, I can use my own humble brush

on the masterpiece that is Manhattan's skyline.

I teach architecture.

Get 50% off at the bookstore, so that's pretty sweet.

Married!

What is wrong with you?

You're just looking. It's like fantasizing about other women.

It's harmless. Wait.

Don't tell me you don't fantasize about other women.

I do!

- It's just not that easy. - False.

I once fantasized about that silhouette chick you see on a truck's mud flaps.

Took me less than a mile.

Not everyone is you, okay, Barney?

Even when I do start to have a dirty thought like that,

it seems so much like cheating on Lily, that I feel guilty.

So, first, I need to have a different fantasy.

(HICCUPS)

Bad news. Lily has a rare and fatal hiccup disorder

that's apparently medically legitimate.

What? How could this be?

Beats me, but it says it right here on this doctor clipboard that doctors have.

(HICCUPS)

(CRYING SOFTLY)

(HICCUPS)

It's time, baby.

(CRYING) I will never love again.

No, Marshall, you must.

And after an appropriate number of years,

you should find someone else,

someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time,

and plow her like a cornfield.

(HICCUPS RAPIDLY)

(MARSHALL MOANING)

And so, Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find

that busty delivery girl from that one time

and plow her like a cornfield.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.

This one's for you, Lil.

Where do I sign?

And then watch out, because it is on!

That is the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Dude, Lily gets you in real life.

- She has no business in your fantasies. - It's all I know, okay?

- I can't help it. - I accept your invitation. Marshall Eriksen,

from this day forward, I will be the wingman of your mind.

Now, focus on the next dancer. Put Lily completely out of your mind.

ANNOUNCER: Gentlemen, say hello to (STAMMERING) Jasmine.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Barney?

Is it just me or does that stripper look exactly like...

Ted, we found a stripper who looks exactly like Lily!

- Uh, yeah, I can't talk right now. - I'm speechless, too.

Everything's as perky as we've always imagined!

Stop looking at her.

Look, I gotta go. (WHISPERING) Take a picture.

Oh, I will.

But first, I'm going to make Marshall watch as I wedge Ulysses S. Grant

- between his wife's tatas. - I'll kill you!

(BARNEY YELLING)

- Sorry about that. - So, any thoughts on food?

Yeah, do you wanna share the oysters?

I would love to share the oysters.

Good. 'Cause if you didn't, that would be mighty shellfish.

Wow, that's bad.

That's why it's funny!

- We've been on this date before. - We've been on this date before.

We've been on this exact blind date before.

In this exact same restaurant.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't remember that date going that well.

Me, neither.

I remember thinking that you were a little snobby.

Wait, you dress your cats up in weird costumes.

They're not weird. See, you're being snobby again.

Oh, my God. Do you realize what this means?

Since our first date, we've done a complete lap

of all the single people in New York

only to end up back here, with each other.

Whoa.

We're going to die alone, aren't we?

Well, you've got your cats.

This is insane.

Wait, I gotta ask. Why did you think I was snobby?

Wait, okay, yeah, we were sitting over there.

(TED LAUGHING)

"Main Lobster." They spelled Maine without the "e."

Good to know we're not getting the crappy understudy lobsters, right?

Tonight, the role of pound-and-a-half lobster will be played by...

I get it, Ted.

Pointing out spelling errors in a menu makes you seem kind of snooty.

Huh.

I had no idea.

Okay, well, what about me? Aside from the cats,

how did I come across?

That's right, the check.

The check came and, of course, I was going to pay,

but you didn't do the check dance.

Guys want to wave the girl off and, you know, look like a big shot.

Huh.

I had no idea.

This is good. We're learning stuff.

You know what we should do? We should retrace the rest of that night

and figure out what else we do wrong on first dates.

'Cause let's be honest. We are scaring people off, Jen.

- We really are. Okay, I'm in. - Great.

Where'd we go next?

- I think we went to MacLaren's. - Okay.

Hey, I didn't really talk about my cats that much, did I?

And then, there's Tabby-Gail Adams, the jester of the group.

Tone down the kitty talk. Check.

You will not believe who we saw tonight.

- Dude... - We saw the third doppelganger!

(GASPING)

OLDER TED: I should explain. Over the years, we had spotted two strangers

who looked exactly like members of our group.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Hey, hey, hey!

OLDER TED: Lesbian Robin.

(SPITTING)

(LILY LAUGHING)

OLDER TED: And Mustache Marshall.

By the following summer, we would find the remaining two doppelgangers,

but I'll get to that.

Ladies, meet Stripper Lily.

Oh!

- Okay. - Yeah, I couldn't get her face in it,

but she looks just like you.

- So you went to a strip club? - (CHUCKLING) Busted.

And there was a stripper who looked exactly like me?

Okay, babe, look, before you get mad, let me...

Awesome! I bet the guys were going crazy.

I bet they wanted to touch her so bad, but all you can do is look,

unless you go into the back room, but, honey, you gotta pay for that.

So, strip club.

(VOICE SHAKING) Marshall made me go.

All right, so what did I do wrong next? Let me have it. I'm here to learn.

Well, I kept dropping hints that I was cold, but you didn't offer me your jacket.

- It's a little brisk out tonight, huh? - Not really.

Really? I can't feel my fingers.

I'm pretty impervious to stuff like that.

I couldn't admit I was cold. I didn't want to seem like a wimp

compared to your action hero ex-boyfriend who you wouldn't stop talking about.

After a day of fighting fires,

Jim would love to come home and unwind working on his '68 Camaro.

That or bare-knuckle boxing, which he learned in the Marine Corps.

I had an aunt in the Coast Guard.

Okay, so no talking about the ex.

Not even about his shockingly small wiener?

See? Why didn't you lead off with that?

(JEN LAUGHING)

Was there a shower on stage? Sometimes there's a shower on stage.

I bet stripper me would get in there with another girl and just go bananas.

See, Marshall? We got to have a bros' night at a strip club

and both of our ladies are totally cool with it.

I'm not cool with it.

Because they understand that it's healthy for us to do that from time to time.

- It's disgusting. - Because it's harmless.

Did one of your whores tell you that?

And, Lil, Marshall shouldn't have to go to so much trouble

just to have an innocent fantasy.

- Trouble? What trouble? - It's... No, it's nothing.

- Marshall, tell her. We're all friends here. - (LAUGHING) No, we're not.

Lily, sometimes I think about other women. Okay, it happens.

But even when I do, I feel so guilty

that I... I have to imagine you passing away first

because even in a fantasy world, I could never cheat on you.

You're just my life, baby, and I love you.

You kill me off?

I mean, fantasize about other girls all you want,

but could you maybe not murder me?

Murder? No! I... Baby, no. You develop a chronic illness!

I spare no expense for your care! I even set up a foundation in your name.

We're, like, this close to a cure.

- Remember? - Oh, yeah! I do remember.

We went in here for a drink with your friends, who I loved.

Or hated, depending on whether you're still friends with them.

- You love them. - They're family, Ted.

Let's go in and see what they remember.

And they are my best friends,

so don't be surprised if they suddenly can't think of anything I do wrong.

Did he juggle? Bad puns?

Expect a standing ovation for picking up a $19 check?

Let's not forget the menu typo gold mine.

Keep panning that river, buddy.

Well, it is a lot cheaper than buying a condom.

(EX CLAIMS)

Actually, you know what it was?

I remember him coming across as kind of a player.

- Me? - ALL: Ted?

Yeah. We were all sitting over there.

And here's a picture of my cats dressed up like Batman villains.

You got the Joker, the Riddler, Mr. Freeze...

Well, what about Catwoman?

Yeah, that would've been good.

Psst. Ted.

Nice.

Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no! I remember that.

I was not checking out a girl.

Psst. Ted.

(MAN CHATTERING)

Nice.

We were checking out Mustache Marshall.

ALL: Oh!

Gosh, I thought you were such a jerk. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well, it's nice to know "past me" wasn't a total jackass, huh?

"Present you" isn't so bad, either.

- Thank you very much. Yes. - You got it?

Oh, yeah! I remember this.

And there's the Chrysler Building. And the Empire State Building.

And at twelve o' clock, a rotund couple going at it against the glass.

Oh!

That's kind of sweet.

Oh, look, snack break.

Good for them.

Letting a guy eat pizza off your back, that's love.

(JEN GIGGLING)

So, I know this wasn't the best first date of all time,

but I'm glad we stuck it out.

Me, too.

That was really great. What went wrong?

I remember now.

- Wow. - Yeah.

So, would you maybe want to go out again?

Yeah, I... I would.

- Will you call me? - Absolutely.

- Promise? - Promise.

I have been so busy.

Good night, Ted.

(CAT MEOWING OPERA)

- Hello? - Jen, I'm sorry.

Look, I know I'm seven years late with this call,

but I was an idiot back then.

You saw the goatee.

The truth is, I had a great time tonight, and I'd love to see you again.

Ted, there are two kinds of guys.

The guys that you want to call you, who don't,

and the guys you don't want to call you, who always do.

And somehow, right now, you're both.

Baby, you should be able to fantasize about another woman

without feeling guilty, or, you know, killing me off.

I wish that I could, but I've been doing this for so long,

I'm all confused about death and sex.

It's gotten to the point where every time I drive past a cemetery,

I'm sporting a partial.

All right, we gotta fix this.

Okay, when Stripper Lily gets out here,

you have my permission to fantasize about her.

And since she's basically me, maybe you won't feel guilty.

Thanks, baby. I'm so lucky to have you. And stripper you.

Bring out Stripper Lily!

You know, I don't come here that much.

Hey, Barney. Here's the usual

and I'll send over the other usual as soon as she's done stretching.

Thank you, kindly stranger.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen...

Oh! Hey, Barney. I didn't see you come in.

I'll load up some AC/DC for you, buddy.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together for (STAMMERING) Jasmine.

(CROWD CHEERING)

- I am hot! - Yeah.

Crawl for it, stripper me. This is awesome, baby.

- Can I get another $100? - That was $100?

Wow, she crawls fast.

Look, Jen, I wish I could go back and talk some sense into 2002 Ted,

but that guy's a lost cause.

He's 24. He thinks a little facial hair makes him look like Johnny Depp.

And he has no idea what a great girl he's missing out on.

But I've learned a lot since then. I've learned a lot tonight.

The only thing that we've learned is that

seven years ago, it was a mistake for us to go out.

And I guess it was a mistake for us to go out tonight.

No, it wasn't.

I had a great time tonight. And seven years ago,

if you think about it, we didn't miss by that much.

I mean, if a couple of things had gone a little bit differently,

who knows what would have happened?

(REWIND PLAYING)

(SINGING) Asking you to stay The words are finally here

Let's rewind and rewind

You see, you're the only star in the film I never made

Would you rewind it all the time Rewind it all the time

- Wow. - Wow.

You are the best, you are the best.

My girlfriend is at a strip club with me and she couldn't care less.

I do care, Barney. Look, we're dating now, okay?

That changes things. We need to have a serious talk about this.

- Just the best. - Hey, girlfriend trouble?

I wish I could help, but my unbelievably cool wife

just bought us a private dance with her stripper body double.

So, if you need me, I'll be getting grinded like some pepper in the champagne room.

Just the best.

(SIGHS)

Now what?

I just remembered why I didn't call you.

Why?

(SIGHING) I can't believe I'm gonna screw this up again.

- But I like finding typos in menus. - What?

And I know my shellfish pun is stupid, but the truth is,

I'm not suddenly gonna stop making stupid jokes.

Now that you mention it,

I'm never going to stop talking about my cats.

They're funny and adorable and totally worth having to take six Benadryl a day.

(TED LAUGHS)

Shouldn't we hold out for the person

who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks, but actually kind of likes them?

Even if it means finding ourselves on another blind date with each other

- seven years from now? - Oh, dear God, I hope that doesn't happen.

Well, good luck out there, Jen.

You, too, Ted.

You'll find your shellfish lady.

OLDER TED: And kids, when I told your mother that shellfish joke,

she did laugh.

And I swear, it was only, like, 30% pity.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Lil. Looks like Jasmine's having a hard time getting out of those boots.

(IN FOREIGN ACCENT) What did you say, buddy?

- Lily? - Who?

Oh, yes, I am this Lily.

We married long time.

May I have monies for shopping?

(LILY SCREAMING)

Lily!

ENGLISH - US - SDH