All language subtitles for what.we.do.in.the.shadows.s06e06.2160p.web.h265-successfulcrab

One, two,

three, four pillows

- on couch.
- What are they doing now?

What did I miss?

- Hey! Okay.
- Get out of my way!

- Nothing, they are not home yet.
- Oh.

We recently discovered

besides our neighbors
Sean and Charmaine

on that side of the house,

we also have neighbors
on this side.

Can you imagine?!

More neighbors!

It was a stroke of blind luck

we discovered we even had

a window on this
side of the house.

This side of the house.

"Dear Guide, Every
time I call you

"I lose my nerve

"like a chicken
for the slaughter.

I was... "Oh.

Oh, shit.

We have a window!

It's a... it's a house.

Hey! Ooh, ooh! Shitting!

And now we
are using that window

to spy on the neighbors.

Why are they not home yet?

Have you guys seen
my phone anywhere?

Not now, Guillermo.

We are spying on the neighbors.

- Why?
- Look!

They're home!
Home, they're home!

What's this shit?

When did old bald guy grow hair?

What? They're not even
wearing the same clothes

they left in this morning.

- Are they in disguise?
- And somehow looking

30 years younger?

So, yeah,
the house next door

is very obviously an Airbnb.

I guess I never
taught them what a...

No, you know what, I did.

I did. They probably
weren't listening.

Oh, no!

That house belongs

to shapeshifters.

Fuck.

You're kidding me, right?

Shapeshifters are...

extremely freaky.

They are awful,
abhorrent creatures

that use the most
ancient of sorcery

to transform into
whatever murderous,

all-powerful shape their
wicked hearts desire.

And now, they have
infiltrated our street.

I have had horrible experiences
with shapeshifters in the past.

I was once in a relationship
with a woman for four years

who then transformed
into a possum.

I stayed with her
for six more months,

but then I just had to end it.

This is a fucking nightmare.

- It's just an Airbnb.
- Shut up, Guillermo.

♪ ♪ Don't sing if you
want to live long ♪

♪ ♪ They have no
use for your song ♪

♪ ♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ ♪ You're dead and
out of this world ♪

♪ ♪ Now your hope and
compassion is gone ♪

♪ ♪ You sold out your
dream to the world ♪

♪ ♪ Stay dead, stay
dead, stay dead ♪

♪ ♪ You're dead and
out of this world. ♪

Recently I've been beset
by the most strange...

and eerie feeling.

A chill down my spine.

A weight on my shoulders.

The most ethereal sounds

coming from absolutely nowhere.

Like that.

Did you hear that?

Actually, that was
just me breaking wind.

But these macabre
sounds are very similar.

My wife Nadja thinks
they might be ghosts,

but I'm not so sure.

E-'pay' k-elastero

apokatharet-eye.

Shit.

Did the summoning work?

- Oh!
- So it did.

Hello,

my son.

It's me, Papa.

Fuck off.

Laszlo, Laszlo!

- Oh...
- No fucking way!

I see the grumpy fellow
hasn't changed a lick.

- Oh.
- Well,

what a lovely sight you are.

Roderick Cravensworth.

Is it really you?

Laszlo's father?

Well, if the tit fits the cup...

Definitely family, then.

And you must be his
ethnic mistress.

Yes, that is how it started.

But I am actually now
very much his wife.

We have been married for
many hundreds of years.

How much I have missed.

What a divine pleasure it is

to make your acquaintance.

Oh.

Oh, um...

- trying to get to touch this.
- This is

a perennial ghost issue.

So,
I have to ask...

- what's your unfinished business?
- Oh, yes.

Well, my tiny lady,

I am here to repair

my long-troubled
relationship with Laszlo.

Yes, he may be a vampire,

and I a spirit, but
we will always be,

above all else, father and son.

- Aw!
- Yes, we love that.

- So sweet.
- Oh.

- Hello.
- Oh, yes.

What are these contraptions?

Oh, these are camera machines.

They take your portrait.

Ah, yes, you have
to keep very still.

Um...

Anyone else notice the ghost?

Or is it just me?

Come on, Laszlo.

- Just introduce him.
- All right.

Attention, everybody.

May I introduce you to a man

who has gone by many names.

- The Whispering Swordsman...
- Mm.

Scurrilous Bob,

- the Barkem Bone Digger...
- Oh.

The Marquess of Manchester,

- Nice.
- The Black Finger,

and, lastly,

- my father...
- Nice.

Lord Roderick Cravensworth.

- You forgot one sobriquet.
- Oh?

The Night Dog of Tresco.

But that was most of them.

I'm delighted to meet

all of my beloved
son's roommates.

Although I did think perhaps

he would have his own place

by now, but what do I know?

Let me ask you, sir.

How did you get all
those dope nicknames?

The finest man I ever knew

bestowed most of those
monikers upon me,

very soon after he saved my life

in deepest Sumatra.

Oh, wow. A-And
what was his name?

Ah, I can't remember.

I think it was
Glen or something.

- Glen.
- And who might

- this, uh, taciturn fellow be?
- Get up.

This, Father, is my
greatest creation to date.

I call him
Cravensworth's Monster.

And as you can see, I've created

a man by reanimating
dead human flesh.

Surpassing any of your own
scientific experiments.

Yeah, I tried it,
but it didn't work.

I just ended up with a dead body

with lots of bits
stuck together.

I didn't reanimate it.

I sewed the body bits together,

but I didn't do the
reanima... So, well done.

Yes.

Although, not the most
comely of fellows.

Perhaps he takes after his creator.

Very good.

I would love a tour

of Chateau De Cravensworth.

Really? Well,
it's a pity, that,

because we're very
busy right now.

Actually, Night Dog of Tresco,

I would love to show you
around our humble abode.

Fantastico. Lead on, squire.

Out here is
what we call the foyer.

- Very good.
- What a fun guy.

- So charming.
- Love him.

What? He's not fun!

He's pretty fun.

You've been beguiled
by his wicked charms.

The only reason he
has come back here

is to make amends with you.

Why don't you give him a chance?

My darling, that man
is never to be trusted.

Never.

His silver tongue is as sharp
as the ivory paddle that he used

to bring down across
my bare backside.

He would spank me in
front of the polo horses.

He'd give them a right show.

My bare backside out in
the wind for all to see.

How everyone would laugh

as that paddle would come down
hard across my bare backside.

Arms out, head
forward, be a good boy.

It would come down again,

again and again

and again.

Are you okay?

Forgive me, I'm
not quite myself.

I-I thought you quite liked

- being spanked.
- Oh, yeah.

I used to keep these in my room,

but I ran out of space.

So I had to move them up here.

You'll see why in a second.

Ta-da!

What an impressive collection
of detailed maquettes.

Really? Most people don't give

a flying F to the moon
about my Funko army.

No, I think they're enchanting.

And who is this
bewitching Bonita?

Oh, well, you have
really good taste.

That is Lizzo, and
it's a rare one,

because she's holding the flute.

This one's also Lizzo.

This one, she's
holding her purse,

but this one, she's
holding the flute.

Geez, I'm sorry,
I'm-I'm probably

- boring you...
- No, no, please. Please.

I could listen to
you extemporize

on these plastic things

for hours, my boy.

Get your ghost hand
off him, Father.

Enough of the soft-shoe.

Reveal your game or
suffer the consequences.

Now, now.

Calm down, my bubbly boy.

Yeah?

What's that you
have in your hands?

- What, this?
- Yes.

It's a spirit catcher
of my own invention.

From the last time we
had a ghost infestation.

Yeah, it also coincided with
me showing him Ghostbusters II

and a week later he "came
up" with that device.

It was a parallel thought.

Well, I, for one,
am fascinated by it.

Do tell me about
this divine device,

my cherubic Fibonacci.

Well, it is quite interesting.

It's a, uh, atomic vacuum.

- Atomic?
- Modified by myself.

I added the blunderbuss.

Blunderbuss.

Yeah. And as you can see,

I've housed everything into
a large carriage clock.

That is stupendous.

Isn't it just?

And, uh, I use this from
one of Nadja's old...

Mm. Yes.

Dresses. You can get fucked.

I'm onto you. You only flatter
when you want something.

Well, you've got five seconds

before I suck you
to kingdom come.

The last time I heard that was

on my penultimate
visit to the Cunny Pot.

I didn't even hear it,
but I know it was funny.

It was really funny.
It's good.

Ah! Fleet of foot.

Yes, his usual trick.

Show yourself, you bastard!

Look at these two.

- Cooking dinner. Please. As if.
- Bullshit.

What are these shape-shifting
sons of bitches planning?

Um, Airbnb shouldn't even be

that hard of a concept to
wrap your head around...

Will you shut the
fuck up, Guillermo!

- Yes.
- Okay.

Nandor, I'll say it:

we need to capture and
destroy the shape-shifters.

Yes. I'm in full
agreement, Nadja.

So maybe I just go over there

and I kill and mince
them with my bare hands?

Fuck, that's really good.

Mm.

I think you should

give your dad another
chance, Laszlo.

I mean, he's really nice.

And he knows a hell of a
lot about the spice trade.

With all the due
respect, Colin Robinson,

you haven't got a fucking clue

who the shit you're
fucking with.

Look. We're getting
closer. And closer.

He's in here. Show
yourself, padre.

Meet thy maker!

Leslie, please. Wait.

I know I haven't
been the best father.

But I felt this pull to return

to be the father
you've always needed.

And to learn about
this incredible

modern vampire life you lead.

You expect me to
believe that shoeshine?

No, I-I-I think he means it.

I think he's really
interested in learning

about our lives.

- Yes.
- Besides,

it's been really nice

having an older male
figure in the house.

Yeah, it has.

I sure wish I had one
when I was growing up.

What? You fucking
did. It was me!

I raised you from a
baby, Colin Robinson.

You keep saying that, people
are gonna think you're...

- My son.
- Huh?

You may well choose to
use that apparatus on me,

but know that I care
about you deeply,

my rotten little soldier.

And I would give anything
for a second chance.

Please don't cry, Father.

Please don't cry.

All right, then.

All right, I'll give
you a second chance.

But if you fuck up,
I will suck you dry.

As the maître d' at the
Hellfire Club said to me

whilst getting my peacoat.

You are, literally,

the funniest man ever.

- I like him.
- All right.

So Mr. Cravensworth asked
us to show him our New York,

and I get to choose
where we go first.

Times Square M&M
Store, here we come.

Wait, Laszlo.

You're not just going out
into the world unattended?

I presume a gentleman
of your station has

a manservant of some kind.

I do have a manservant.

I just choose not to let
him stay in the house.

Ah.

If you'll excuse me.

I shall be a moment.

My grandma
is also a ghost.

Hey, knock first.

I need you
to come with me,

pretend to be my manservant,
and do not ask me why.

You know, it's okay

if you're trying to
impress your dad's ghost.

- Well, I'm not.
- You know, I would want

to impress my dad, too.

Hypothetically. He
left when I was three,

- so I never got to meet him.
- Right. Okay.

That makes you the
luckiest man in the world.

Come on, Gizmo.

Now!

Coming.

Give me a minute.

You sure you don't need
me to look under the hood?

No, I don't
need anything. I'm fine.

Fucker!

I'm gonna go give him a
hand and sort this out.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

You're very lucky to serve a
man as wonderful as my son.

If you're anything
like my butler, Cecil,

you know how to
anticipate his every need.

And I do mean his every need.

The G-spot.

- The erotic zone.
- Oh...

No, I'm sorry. It's not like
that with your son and I.

Cecil worked my
whirligigs like a maypole.

He was something of a
psychosexual chess master.

Can we talk about
something else, maybe?

Have you ever kissed a ghost?

Now it's go-time.

Lancer to Rawhide,

do you read me? Over.

Rawhide to Lancer, I can
read you loud and clear.

Why, hello, my sweet
gooseberry jam,

how much for a go-round?

Miss Nadja.

My sincerest apologies.

I briefly mistook you
for a lady of the night.

You thought I was a little
fucking whore, did you?

- Yes.
- You charmer.

Cut the
crosstalk, Rawhide.

Stay on mission.

Shit, that's why...

Get a rag, Colin Robinson.

- Get a rag!
- Okay.

Rawhide, make
your way through the side gate.

Be very quiet.

If they sense you coming,
they'll rip you apart

before you can even
bare your fangs.

But you got this.

You will soon see a mat.

On it is written "Welcome."

Counts as an invitation.

It
would be easier to hide

if you stopped talking.

Okay. That's smart.

I'll stop talking.

She's in.

Now she must hide and
catch them unawares.

Look at them.

The shape-shifters. They
don't suspect a thing.

They're too busy playing with
their combat training blocks.

Oh, shit.

Shit, they've heard
her. They've heard her.

She's fucked.

Rawhide, Shape-shifter One

has picked up a knife.

He's approaching you.

He could shapeshift
at any moment!

Can you hear me? Over.

Don't engage alone.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Rawhide, do you need backup?

Can you hear me? Rawhide!

Do you copy? Over.

Ha! You beauty!

Bravo, my mechanical maestros!

I fixed it. It was
the exhaust manifold.

I just had to get
in there a little.

It wasn't the fucking
exhaust manifold.

The spark ignition.
And I fixed it.

Trust me. I fixed it
all on my own, Daddy.

I meant, uh...

Um...

Meant to say, uh,
Mr. Cravensworth...

Fuck's sake!

Rawhide,

the shape-shifters
took out the jalopy!

I've got your back, Rawhide!

Oh, fuck. Sorry, Nate.

They're
shooting! Fuck this!

Rawhide!

All good.

She made it out.

I thought I was fucking
dead. What's this?

They got Nate?

Yes. Nate got got.

Oh, no.

Wait. Wait a minute.

What?

I was not watching you

the entire time that
you were over there.

How do I know that
you are actually you,

and haven't been replaced

by a shape-shifter?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Really.

All right. The truth is,
Sir Colin of Robinson,

that I never knew my own father.

Hmm. Me, neither.

It's a terrible
thing, and leaves a man

ill-equipped when it comes to
his own turn at parenthood.

Oh, I-I think you're
the coolest guy ever.

Well, you know, you're not
half bad yourself, young man.

Do you think...

N-Nah, it's kind of stupid.

No, please, tell me.

I-I was going to ask if I
could maybe give you a hug.

I don't know that you'll be able

to feel these translucent
arms of mine, but...

I think we should
have a go, don't you?

All right.

I don't know, maybe I
have been too harsh on my father.

After all, he is showing
kindness to Colin Robinson.

A Herculean task if
ever there was one.

You're fucking kidding.

Remind me again, Nadja, if that
is, in fact, who you really are,

what is my favorite film?

I don't fucking know!

The captive did not know that
the captor's favorite film

is The Incredible
Burt Wonderstone.

Enough of this. Just
because I ignore

all of the bullshit that you say

does not prove that
I am a shape-shifter.

If anything, it
proves that it is me,

someone who doesn't care
about anything you say.

- Now will you just untie me?
- Okay, fine.

You're not a shape-shifter.

Okay? I apologize.

I can admit when I'm wrong.

- Done.
- Ah.

Sorry, I just... just a
little paranoid, that's all.

It is odd, though.

I, myself, was away
from you for a while

while I was in the house.

So?

Admit it, you are just a snaky,

tricky little
shape-shifting bitch.

- Ah.
- Oh!

- Yeah, he is.
- We must not let them

tear us apart like this.

- - Oh.
- Oh, shit.

Nadja? Nandor?

The lady from next door is here to see you guys.

Shape-shifters are here.

The shape-shifters are
here! What are we gonna do?

- Oh!
- Pull yourself together.

- Thank you.
- Yes, thank you.

- I feel much better now.
- Please come down.

I've
lived here 15 years,

and no one by that description

- comes to mind.
- Really, not of those two?

- Who?
- My guests said they were in the house.

They also said that an
old-timey car exploded?

Your guests? Hmm.

Perhaps
she is their leader.

No,
she is the host

of the Airbnb and
owner of the house.

- Silence, Guillermo.
- My guests

also said you were
spying on them.

With a telescope?

Listen here, shifty.

We are on to your little games.

What you have
going on over there

violates all of the
laws of nature.

Okay, fine.

Technically, the unit
isn't zoned for an Airbnb.

- Okay?
- Oh.

I'm just trying to make
some passive income.

- Is that such a crime?
- What the fuck is she talking about?

Guillermo?
What is passive income?

Yes, and what is air-P-P-P?

Yeah, that's what's going on.

We figured out that that
was an illegal unit.

Shit. Okay, listen.

Can we just keep
this between us?

- Maybe we can work out some kind of deal.
- Hmm.

Great Britain.

Yes, the British
Empire. We plundered the world,

but our museums
are fucking great.

What are you
doing down here, father?

Just having a bit of chitchat

with your curious creation.

Right.

Well, uh...

not easy for me to
say this, but...

I know you have paternal
affection for me,

and that affection
is reciprocal...

- Mm-hmm.
- Though not often displayed

due to a fear that it might
not be returned in kind.

Very well put, my boy.

But what I'd like to
do is begin a, uh,

a more free-flowing
communication

between the two of us.

That would gladden my
heart, my bonny lad.

Hug Daddy.

- Hug Daddy...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Explain to me why the
Book Of Souls is open

on my workbench
right behind you.

And on that particular spell.

Yes, I thought as much.

I know exactly what you're doing
and the answer is a big fat no.

I forbid you to use my monster

as your vessel on
this earthly plane.

I have absolutely no idea

- what you're talking about.
- Really?

Soon as my back's turned,
you'd be up that bastard

like a frankfurter
sausage in a bun.

- Coward!
- But son, you don't understand what it's like.

The place where I come from,
where my-my spirit resides,

it's fucking awful.

All the classes
are mixed together.

I have to talk to poor people.

I have to feign
interest in the Welsh.

I can't touch myself.

It's hell.

But if-if my ghost could
inhabit a human body,

I-I could begin life anew

and have an orgasm again

for the first time
in 200 fucking years.

It's all about you, isn't it?

Always about Lord
Roderick Cravensworth.

No one else matters.

Ruining my life from day one.

Like when you humiliated me

- at Wimbledon.
- You can't play

power tennis. There's
no shame in that.

You fucked my Latin tutor.

Veni, vidi, veni.

- You got into Eton.
- Hiring Rasputin

- to be my babysitter.
- That was last-minute.

And who can forget when
you murdered Mother?

- Oh, not this again.
- Good grief.

Prove it.

Well, I'll tell you something.

You are not getting your
hands on my monster,

my greatest creation to date.

You will not be using
him as your meat puppet.

You think I'd want this
wretched homunculus for a body?

- I right here.
- Oh, no, you have me all wrong.

You see, the divine human
vessel I wish to inhabit

is your own.

- Huh?
- I beg your pardon?

Oh, come on, son,
you've had your turn.

Be a good boy and let your
daddy inhabit your flesh.

The Father of the Fatherless...

- No!
- Shammash.

- No!
- Oh...

This must stop.

- Fuck.
- O Ancient Ones.

- Shut your mouth.
- Gods of the Night.

Spirit catcher!

Get me my spirit catcher!

Ah!

Prepare to get sucked, Daddy.

No! Not like this!

No!

Farewell, Father.

So, yeah, after I
spent another two hours

explaining to Nadja and
Nandor that our neighbor

wasn't a shape-shifter...

I told you what it is. It's her
space, she's renting it out.

Remember, I went to
Airbnb on vacation for...

What has it got to
do with the air?

we made
a deal with her.

We wouldn't report Nancy's

illegal Airbnb

if she will let us
stay for a free weekend

- once a month.
- I mean, look at this sign.

It says, "Bye, Felicia,
and take Karen with you."

I'm gonna start saying that.

- Oh.
- Hi.

- Come on in.
- I just wanted

to drop off some
fresh-baked cookies...

- Ooh.
- to say thank you for your discretion.

- Zip. - Couldn't possibly.
- Thank you, Nancy.

Anything you need,
you let me know, okay?

- Bye, Felicia.
- And take Karen with you.

Oh, you guys are
so crazy. Have the best night.

- Amazing.
- She's really nice.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Bananagrams, anyone?

Ooh, yes, why not?

Help me
turn the tiles.

So sorry.

- All right, old chap.
- Oh. Where's Mr. Cravensworth?

I-I got him this Pop!
Yourself that looks like him.

I know it's kind of stupid,
but I thought maybe...

Sit down, Colin.

Okay.

My father has gone.

On a very long trip.

He has gone on a ghost mission.

That's-that's weird.

He wanted to say goodbye
to you in person,

but he was too afraid he
might miss his ghost train.

Well, that-that's...

That's okay.

He also told me that he
cared for you very much.

So much so that he
wanted you to have this.

- What is it?
- No idea.

But he said you must
keep that somewhere safe.

Somewhere locked up where
no one can get to it.

- Ooh. Why?
- Because he's going to need it someday,

when he comes back.

You really have an
amazing father, you know.

I do, Colin. I really do.

There's just some shit
that I need to sort out,

- over that way...
- I need to take a dump.

♪ ♪ I was born to haunt you ♪

♪ ♪ Like a shadow from above ♪

♪ ♪ I was born to haunt you ♪

♪ ♪ Terrorize ♪

♪ ♪ Terrorize you
through and through ♪

♪ ♪ I... ♪

♪ ♪ Was born to haunt you ♪

♪ ♪ And you were born
to haunt me, too. ♪

Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org