Original subtitles

It would be crazy for the Fed to raise rates right now.

Oh, totally agreed, bro.

I mean, it's basic supply-side economics.

Penis.

Um... I mean,

unless they want stagflation, in which case I think...

- Penis. - I-I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

Oh, my God, do you guys seriously not know this game?

All you got to do is say it louder than me,

and whoever says it the loudest...

- Who are you? - I'm Jeff,

Sauce's best friend and spit brother since the fifth grade.

Okay... who's Sauce?

Who's Sauce?

Are you guys even at the right birthday party?

Hey, guys.

- Hey, Michael. - Michael!

Sauce!

Why does he keep calling you that, dude?

Are you serious?

You never even told 'em this story?

No, no, Jeff... we don't need to

- get into that right now... - We're at the Freshy's

parking lot and he bought a Euro from this guy named Kaasib.

And I said, "Be careful.

You're gonna get the [bleep]."

Okay, okay, all right, that's enough...

He got the [bleep] so bad, from then on,

everybody started calling him "Sauce,"

even your mom, remember?

- Jeff, that's enough. - Heh, bang.

I gotta save some of this gold

for my special birthday spee-otch.

No, no, no, no. W-why would there be a speech?

Is there a... MC Noodles in the house?

Hells to the [bleep] yeah!

I'll be right back.

Michael, who... who is that man?

That's my best friend.

Uh, uh, yeah.

Turn it up, turn it up.

♪ Yo I've known Sauce for most of my life ♪

♪ We got a tighter bond than him and his wife ♪

♪ Sorry Whitney please don't hit me ♪

♪ But when it comes to Sauce stories I got a litany ♪

♪ Remember that time at the winter dance ♪

♪ He got so drunk he pissed his pants ♪

♪ But he still got Melissa to slop his lance ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ And every Friday after work ♪

♪ We would get so [bleep] torched ♪

♪ That we made up our own language ♪

♪ And pretended to be orcs ♪

♪ Screwby screwby snaggle ♪

♪ Screwby screwby snork ♪

What's that mean?

♪ It means "you're my best friend" ♪

♪ In Gorganese ♪

♪ Super best friends Sauce and me ♪

♪ How'd he get the name "Sauce"?

♪ You may have just thought it all started ♪

♪ With a Euro in a Freshy's parking lot ♪

Oh, come on!

And now for my speech.

♪ Three aliens came from the sky ♪

♪ The Galactic Council sent them ♪

♪ And here's the reason why ♪

♪ Their mission is to study ♪

♪ Earth's most average guy ♪

♪ To see if humans are worth saving ♪

♪ Or if everyone has to die ♪

Wait, what?

So then I absolutely murder the third verse,

and when it's all over, he doesn't even say "thank you."

He says, "Hey, man, that was inappropriate.

There are 'children' here."

- Oh! - Oh, what a jerk.

I've never seen you work that hard on anything.

I mean, the whole reason I even did a rap

is 'cause that was our thing, man.

Did I ever show you our old videos?

- Old videos? - Let me see if I can remember

our old band login info.

All right, here we go.

Look, look. Look at how much

more interesting and multi-faceted he used to be.

♪ Handjobs ♪

♪ We love handjobs ♪

♪ Well the only job I ever want to get is a handjob ♪

♪ You'll never see me doing some stupid old man job ♪

♪ And if you do please kick my ass ♪

I would I could, buddy.

I guess those days are over.

Is... is 38 million views a lot?

Are you serious?

What is this?

Why is all this written in gibberish?

It appears to be Swedish, Jeff.

Looks like you're a big hit over there.

- Really? - And look at this.

One of these guys is trying to offer you a gig.

- Holy [bleep]! - And look at this.

It says here you can get stiffer, girthier erections

with this one weird trick.

All right, well, we'll look into this for one second,

and then we're gonna call those Swedes.

I just can't believe we're finally talking to

the real MC Noodles.

This is super fresh, man!

I can't believe I'm talking to two Swedish people.

The festival is called Jekiel Fest.

It's a little bit like your Coachella, but bigger.

And we want you to play the main stage.

The main stage?

But I must apologize in advance.

Our government is being very stingy

with their funding of summer youth festivals.

We can only offer you 10,000 Euros and first-class tickets.

I am so sorry.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh...

Of course, there can be no Noodles

without Sauce.

Because that would suck, man!

But he will be there too, yes?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

He'll be there. Don't worry.

Going over the contracts and all the amendments,

and I haven't found any discrepancies...

in regard to the...

- Boom! - Oh!

This nightmare is over.

You're free.

Excuse me, one second, just for one second.

♪ I'm the fart professor class is in session ♪

♪ Here's the different types of farts in quick succession ♪

♪ You got the squeaker the howler... ♪

Didn't I ask you to take these videos down,

like, two years ago?

You're asking all the wrong questions, dude.

You should be asking stuff like,

"What's our set list gonna look like?

"Should we choreograph some dance moves?

What's it gonna feel like to be Swedish gods?"

Jeff, believe me,

deep down, I'd love to do something crazy like this.

But I might make partner soon.

I have stock options that are going to vest.

Stock options? Vests?

Listen to yourself, man.

You sound like my dad.

Let me tell you something, dude.

You get one life,

and one chance, to...

Jeff, I'm sorry, I've got a 4:00 I gotta get to,

but... not quitting my job.

[bleep], [bleep], [bleep].

I don't understand what's happening.

It's like he's been possessed by

some kind of demon or something.

No, he's probably just lost all his BX4-7.

- His what? - One of the first videos

we made here was all about it.

Check it out.

What the hell is this?

Ooh, ooh, sorry, sorry. Wrong video.

Humans are born

with a vast natural reservoir of BX4-7,

a complex chemical

that fuels joy, wonder,

and the curiosity needed to take risks.

But the people of Earth have structured their whole society

to destroy this wondrous chemical.

Just when the human mind is ready

to absorb the wonders of life,

it is forced into an internment camp

to cultivate stress, the only thing known

to destroy BX4-7.

And when they return home,

their forced labor continues well into the night.

These torturous rituals increase in intensity

into adulthood.

What the [bleep] do you mean "update driver"?

Aah!

Until stress successfully destroys all remaining BX4-7,

at which point the human experiences

depression, hair loss, and eventually death.

Jesus Christ, that was awful.

Hey, come on, go easy on us.

We hadn't found our style yet.

So that's what's going on?

Sauce lost all of his BX4-7?

But how... how does he get it back?

Easy. You just give him some of this.

Estrogen?

Oops. My bad.

This is the stuff you want. BX4-7.

Where do you guys get this stuff, anyway?

Uh...

And what you all call "recess,"

like everything else,

is just another step on the long march towards death.

- But it's Sunday. - I know, baby.

But these contracts going to amend themselves.

Look, I just need to power through

for another six months or so, and then we are...

That's what you've been saying for the last four years.

Our lives are going by, Michael.

And we're not even living them. Because...

No, no, no, no, no, no. I can't do this right now.

I don't have the strength for it.

Oh, but somehow you always have the strength...

These might be the documents

I'm expecting.

Hiya!

Any of that get in your mouth?

Jeff, what the [bleep] is the matter with you?

Is that childlike joy and whimsy I'm hearing?

W-what's happening?

Just a second, honey.

I'll take care of this.

I-I'm sorry, Sauce.

My aim is a little off. I was going for your mouth...

Stop calling me Sauce! Okay?

You think I want to be reminded that I had diarrhea

ten years ago every time I see you?

Well, I don't!

Well, I mean, it wasn't just diarrhea.

That's a little bit of an understatement.

- Who was right... - Shut up!

What is the matter with you?

It's like you're stuck in the seventh grade.

It's sad.

Let's face it, Jeff.

We're not friends, anymore.

You don't mean that.

That's just the stress talking.

Take it. Take your medicine.

Take your medicine.

Sauce! Oh, my God.

What have I done? What have I...

- Ball slap! - Oh!

Oh, man, I got you!

Hey, Noodles, man, check it out!

It looks like your mom's snatch!

You... haven't called me "Noodles" in years.

Definitely bringing these.

It's... hey, where are my stink bombs?

Michael, I-I really don't understand.

I mean, we didn't even have time for a honeymoon,

and now you're gonna go to Sweden for a week with Jeff?

Hey, Whitney, you don't have an extra neck pillow

by any chance, do ya?

Yeah, no, Jeff, I don't.

Babe, we're not just going to Sweden, okay?

We're gonna rock

10,000 peoples' faces off.

I mean, I'll be honest.

My feelings are a little hurt.

And... oh, will you please stop looking at my breasts?

I'm sorry, they're just so luscious and juicy, okay?

Michael, what is even happening here?

- I... - Whitney, if I may?

I know this whole thing is a little unorthodox,

but I think you and I both know

that Sauce here needs something to shake up his life.

And I personally guarantee that this trip

is going to make him a better husband,

a more generous man,

and probably a better lover.

Okay, look, Michael,

if you really want to go to Sweden,

obviously you should.

But I really want...

Okay, great, thanks, honey. Bye, a-whoo!

- Sweden, yeah! - Whoo-hoo!

Come on, Jeff, seriously,

let's go! Jeff, come on, man!

Thanks so much, guys.

That BX4-7 really did the trick.

Oh, I'm glad we were able to help, buddy.

And now I finally got somebody in my life I can have fun with,

that I can go on adventures with,

because without Sauce, I-I really have nobody.

Well, what about us?

Oh... yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.

You guys. But that's different.

Come on, Jeff!

Coming! Whoo!

Sweden! Yeah!

I'm not offended.

Yeah. Me neither.

Well, I am!

What the [bleep] was that?

Penis.

Penis.

Penis!

Penis!

This is seriously the best game of my life.

What's going on, Sweden?

- Noodles! Sauce! - Hey, what's up, groovy dudes?

What's up?

Here are all your Euros in cash.

Ka-ching.

Ho, ho, nice.

Here is a traditional Swedish welcome pastry

made of liver and lingonberries.

It's good for digestion.

Sweet!

Are you ready to go

to the greatest summer youth festival of all time?

Sweden, yeah!

Sweden!

- Sweden! - Sweden, yeah... oh.

Oh, man, what a fun night.

Hey, Sauce...

you about ready to head back?

What are you talking about, man?

Gustaf said the best DJ hasn't even spun yet!

Yeah!

After the next five DJs,

the really good DJ is coming.

Guys, come on, let's get real here.

All this [bleep] sounds the same, you know?

I'm just getting a little tired, and I need...

Sounds like someone needs a shot!

- Yeah, he does! - No, thank you.

No, the jetlag's starting to kick in.

Come on, don't be a pussy boy.

Yeah, Jeff, don't be a pussy boy, man.

Okay, just one more, though. Okay?

I-I'm just a little concerned

that tomorrow morning I might not feel, you know,

a hundred per...

Oh... oh...

Dude, you got to keep drinking the Schnapps.

Hair of the dog, man.

Aah, what's happening?

I feel like there's bugs under my skin.

That's six packets of

itching powder, dude, right in your face!

Why would you do that?

That's just mean.

What the hell, man?

When did you turn into a lame, old loser?

Look, Sauce, I-I think I made a mistake here.

- I need to tell you that I... - Hello?

Sauce, we're gonna be late for the bubble party.

Oh, Jeff, got to go, man.

I think Ingrid wants it, dude.

What are you talking about? You're married.

It's funny. My wife used to be

the most important thing in the world to me,

but suddenly I just feel so young and free.

I don't know

what I was thinking, tying myself down like that.

I've got to sow my wild oats, dude!

No, no, no, no, no, no. Y-y-you don't need to

sow any oats.

Sauce, let's go.

What are you doing?

This girl is, like, 16.

I'm 15, you silly billy.

But that's the legal age of consent here in Sweden.

Dude, thank you.

None of this would have ever happened

if it wasn't for you.

Now let's go

to the bubble party!

- Yeah! - No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Wait! - Sweden!

I mean, is it just me, or does it feel like

sometimes Jeff doesn't actually care

about our feelings?

He just uses us when he needs help with things and when he...

Definitely not just you.

Remember what happened on Thanksgiving?

- Oh, yeah. - Exactly.

Exactly the...

Hello, Jeff.

Guys, I think I gave Sauce too much BX4-7.

How... how do I undo this?

Oh, what a surprise.

Jeff's calling when he needs something.

And by the way, Jeff,

we're doing fine. Thanks for asking.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where is this coming from?

You really want to know, Jeff?

Well, I think I speak for all the guys

when I say we're a little tired

of being used as pawns in a chess game...

Guys, I'm really sorry, okay. This is an international call.

Can you just tell me

how the BX4-7 works,

and we'll deal with this

when I get back?

Stress, Jeff. Okay?

Stress eats away at BX4-7.

The more stressed-out he gets,

the faster it'll happen.

It's obvious you didn't pay attention

to the video we worked so hard on.

But you know what? That's fine.

Stress, of course!

Thanks, guys. And... and look,

whatever's going on here,

I'll make it up to you, okay?

I'll bring you back some souvenirs.

Souvenirs?

Yoo-whoo!

Oh, you're like a big, soft board.

Oh... my... God.

Whoo-hoo!

I need more glitter.

Want to be like a walking prism.

Sauce, listen to what this man has to say.

He's a retirement specialist.

- What? - Well, I think you should know

that it's harder than ever for young people to save

for their retirement, because of headwinds

in the global stock market

and runaway inflation.

Whoa. Holy [bleep].

And tell him what you said about the international markets.

There are no longer any safe havens, not even treasury bonds.

Volatility is at an all-time high.

Whoa, that is some heavy stuff.

I bet that stresses you out.

Stresses me out.

Jeff, what is happening, dude?

You're being so lame.

Wait. So, like...

what percentage of my paycheck

should I be putting into stocks versus bonds?

Well, that depends on your appetite for risk.

Okay, hi.

Can you take me to... Jekiel Fest, please?

Isn't that the festival

where all the teenagers just screw in the woods?

Yeah, okay, you know what?

I'm not really in the mood for a conversation.

It's like, when I look at the color blue,

and you look at the color blue,

how do we know we're seeing the same thing?

- Whoa! - That is so deep.

I know, it's a mind-[bleep], right?

- Freeze! - Whoa!

We got a tip there were people doing drugs

at a music festival, and we came immediately.

No! Aah!

Wait, Sauce!

They're just actors!

Oh! Whoa!

Sauce!

Oh, that's so whack, bro.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, dude!

I got ya.

Noodles, you okay?

Wake up!

Noodles, God damn it, wake up, man!

One, two, three, four.

You're not gonna die on me, man!

Don't die on me, man!

Help!

Help!

Oh, man, I'm too young for this [bleep].

Mm... hmm.

Hey, do you want to buy some acid?

No, thank you.

You haven't happened to have seen this man, have you?

Oh, what is that, like some kind of dragon with three faces?

No, his name is Michael Jenkins.

Come on, Jeff. Jeff.

Oh, Jeff! You're alive.

Oh, my God, Jeff, I'm so sorry.

I've been acting like such a moron.

And I... oh!

Stupid glitter. Why the hell did I put this crap

all over myself?

Sauce, you're back.

We don't have much time.

We have to keep our body temperatures up

before hyperthermia kicks in.

Skin to skin

is the best way to keep warm.

So, so tired.

No, no, no, no. Don't you go to sleep.

You could slip into a coma.

I just sleep for a little bit.

No, no, no, no, Jeff, Jeff.

Hey, hey. Tell me the Freshy's story.

But I thought you hated that story?

No, I don't, I don't.

It's my absolute favorite story.

You ate a Euro.

And then you got the [bleep].

And then what else happened? Give me some details.

You [bleep] yourself, like, six times that day,

and it was hilarious.

If we die out here, the worst part is,

I'll never be able to apologize to Whitney.

I've been taking her for granted.

Do you know what it's like to come home to somebody

who loves you day in, day out?

Hey, buddy.

Made you some stew.

Yeah, I think I do.

Hey, Sauce.

Scrap snoff, snip snaff.

I love you too, Jeff.

I love you too.

Found them.

You know, in Sweden, we embrace homosexual lifestyles.

There's no need to run off to the woods in shame.

Doctor, is... is he going to be okay?

We are very lucky to have got you here in time.

It will require a few complex surgeries,

but I think with the right...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.

I'm not getting ripped off

by some greasy, foreign doctor, all right?

I'm going to wait until I'm back

at a good, honest American hospital.

Hey, Jeff, I think they've got

really great socialized medicine here.

Sauce, I don't need surgery.

I'm not some kind of pussy boy, okay?

All I need to do is rock.

- Thank you! - Thank you!

Excuse me... oh, sorry.

You know, we wrote all our songs about ten years ago,

and the truth is, we've changed a lot since then.

So, tonight, we're real excited

to play you all a new song

we just wrote.

Is that okay?

Hit it.

♪ All of us are young one day ♪

♪ And we smoke and drink and [bleep] ♪

- Yeah! - Whoo-hoo!

♪ But being young forever ♪

♪ Would really really suck ♪

- Huh? - What?

♪ 'Cause if you fetishize your youth ♪

♪ To the point that it stunts your development ♪

♪ You might find that your friends move on ♪

♪ To have successful lives ♪

♪ Leaving you alienated ♪

♪ And alone ♪

♪ At the same time you don't want to sacrifice ♪

♪ The joy and freedom of youth ♪

♪ By taking the responsible route ♪

♪ 'Cause you think that's what adults do ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ Or you'll live your life ♪

♪ In a downward spiral of self-hatred ♪

♪ And shame ♪

Bro, this sucks, man.

Shh, please, I'm trying to listen to the lyrics.

Thank you.

♪ And I realize now ♪

♪ That the only thing that matters ♪

♪ Isn't my job or status or wealth ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ I really love my wife, man ♪

♪ I really really love her ♪

♪ She's my friend, my hero ♪

♪ My rock, my lover ♪

Michael! It's me!

- Whitney! - Baby!

What are you doing here?

Everybody, this is my wife.

I love her so much!

Baby, baby, what is this place?

I don't know what was going through my mind,

but baby, I'm never going to take your for granted again.

You're my rock. You're my hero.

- You're my... - Yeah, I know, baby.

I heard the song.

Jeff, where you going?

There's something I gotta do.

Wow!

A shot glass with the Swedish flag on it.

I love it!

How'd you know I love scarves?

My neck feels so warm.

I'll be honest, Jeff.

I really wasn't expecting much from these souvenirs,

but I didn't know you meant the best souvenirs of all time!

I love you guys.

And may these souvenirs be a constant reminder.

- Hello? Jeff? - Sorry, just a second.

What do you mean the surgery's gonna cost $200,000?

Well, Jeff's sure being a lot nicer.

Looks like that estrogen we've been giving him

is finally starting to work.

We should double the dose.

Cut.

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com

Come on, don't be a pussy boy.

Yeah, Jeff, don't be a pussy boy, man.

Okay, just one more, though. Okay?

I-I'm just a little concerned

that tomorrow morning I might not feel, you know,

a hundred per...

Oh... oh...