Original subtitles

"what are some of your greatest contributions to the cia?"

Pass.

Long-term goals? Pass.

Biggest strengths.

Pass. Greatest weakness.

Oh, man. Where to begin?

I don't know how to turn on my computer, for one.

Actually, pass.

I don't think you're gonna be able to pass

On every single question.

Well, how many passes do you get in a performance review?

I don't know. I want to say like...12?

[ thud, string stretching ]

Explain me this.

How is it that I absolutely plaster this town with flyers,

But still not a single person shows up

To see my cherry poppin' daddies tribute band,

The hymen bustin' fathers?

Roger, please.

I'm practicing for my performance review at work,

And I really need to concent-- [ apple skin cracks ]

Why do you need to practice for a performance review?

I'm not great off the cuff.

I get all nervous and go blank when I'm not prepared.

Not me. I'm good on my feet.

And even better on my knees. "and even better on my knees."

I am so sick of that joke.

Anyway, say no more, stan.

Really -- say no more,

Because all he ever does is complain.

Don't involve me in this.

Okay. Let's-- can't chat now anyway.

Got to work on my tap dancing

For my big community-theater audition.

Please. If I could just have some quiet so --

I got these fat little kangaroo legs.

Not ideal for funk tap. I'm all knee!

Not like you, stan. You've got dancer's legs.

Big, muscular tree trunks.

Mighty oaks. Shut up!

Why do you always have to be such a nuisance?!

Well, you're not exactly perfect yourself, stan.

You put my zoot suit in the dryer.

Shrunk the hell out of it. I look ridiculous!

That's my zoot suit.

Well, it fits me better. [ apple crunching ]

Come on, francine. Let's go somewhere roger can't bother us.

Why didn't you come see

My cherry poppin' daddies tribute band,

The hymen bustin' fathers? Please stop saying that.

[ theme music plays ]

[ music stops, shoes tapping ]

What's that sound?

Check it out, rogu.

I think these shoes are even louder than my old ones!

[ up-tempo music plays ] [ slurping ]

Mmm! Mm-mm-mmm!

I'm good on my feet... But even better on my knees.

[ laughs ] [ apple crunches ]

♪♪

[ muffled screaming ]

He's so annoying, and he's always around.

It's like -- hold that thought.

[ theme music continues ]

♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪

Okay. You were saying?

It's like I can't even remember anymore

Why we ever became friends in the first place.

Well, when you first met all those years ago at area 51,

He saved your -- nope. No, no, no, no.

No need for that.

He saved my life at area 51,

So we escaped together in a laundry truck,

Drove back to virginia in a stolen pt cruiser

And I let him live with us,

Eventually repaid my life debt by saving his,

Yada, yada, yada, because we were really friends.

But why, franny-my-baby? Why are we friends?

That's what I just can't remember

After all these years together.

Everything he does gets on my nerves these days.

The way he eats, the way he walks --

Scratch that -- waddles.

Oh, my god. That voice!

Wow. This is devastating stuff.

He's rude, he's selfish,

He's clumsy, and he's always snooping!

Okay. Those last two are not -- waah!

Ugh.

Aah!

You can't remember why we're friends anymore?!

Well, same here!

Are we even friends?

Friends do things for each other.

What do you ever do for me besides annoy me?

What do you ever do for me?!

Maybe what you two need is some time alone together

To rediscover why you're friends.

A desert-island situation.

Please don't take offense at this,

But, francine, you absolute fool.

More time together?

What I need is to get him as far away from me as possible!

Well, for once I actually agree with this piece of shit.

You're the piece of shit.

So how about I go ahead and check myself into a hotel, then?

Perfect! I'll even drive you there!

Well, thank you so very much!

Should we swing by arby's on the way!

Great idea!

I think it's five for five beef 'n cheddars!

I feel like I should do something funny.

[ chicken squeaking ]

Is this it?

[ sighs ]

Maybe all I really can do is just give it some time.

Hey, thanks for listening, klaus.

Steve? Are you...

Talking to the paper-mache sculpture of me jurgen made

For his court-mandated art-therapy class?

Sculpture?

Wow. I guess I was just so preoccupied with --

Oh, is something weighing on you?

You know I'm this family's sounding board.

Lay it on me, bro.

Well, I-I could use a sympathetic ear.

So there's this girl.

Ohh! Nice.

Pound it.

And I'm confused about where we --

What's her name? Kelsey.

Ohh! Does she have big ones?

You know, maybe I should talk to --

So here's what we do -- fake mugging.

Then you swoop in and be the hero.

Worked like a charm for my boy squirts.

I mean, he actually went to jail for a while,

But there's all these crazy chicks

Who write to inmates and stuff.

Crazy hot chicks.

I'll reach out to squirts to see if he has any pointers.

[ birds chirping ]

God. You drive so bad. You drive so stupid.

I cannot wait to be rid of you.

Everything about you -- just yuck!

All your stupid little characters.

"francine, I realize now I was wrong."

"stupido mcdumbass, douche inspector."

That's actually not a bad character idea.

Ugh! You're the absolute worst!

You are so loathsome. How I loathe you.

I despise you.

Your name should be linsday loathe-han.

If you were a movie, your name should be "despise like us."

That is so dumb -- which is why it just makes so much sense

That you would say it. Ugh!

[ the spin doctors' "two princes" plays ]

Oh, sweet! Ugh!

I'm so sick of this song.

"two princes" by the spin doctors?

You have the worst taste.

"little miss can't be wrong" by the spin doctors.

Now, that's music.

My car. My song. ♪ yeah -- ♪

♪ little miss, little miss, little miss -- ♪

♪ one, two -- ♪ ♪ ...Wrong -- ♪

♪ ...Kneel be-- two... ♪ ♪ what you g-- thoughts... ♪

♪ ...Princes, princes who adore you... ♪

♪ little miss, little miss, little miss -- ♪

Aah! I can't stand you!

[ horn blares, tires screech ]

[ engine revs, glass breaking ]

[ thudding ]

[ frame rattles, birds chirping ]

Wow. Not a scratch on us.

[ horn blares ]

Stan: [ groaning ]

Is...Roger...Okay?

Kind of. Shit.

Those asshats at the regular hospital

Pronounced you both dead, so I brought you here.

Now, I did have to employ some...Unorthodox measures.

But it was the only way I could save you.

Mirror.

Just know that it may take some time

For you to adjust to --

Mirror!

Oh. I look fine.

And you gave me a haircut. Nice.

Roger: Down here, stan.

[ both screaming ]

[ screaming ]

[ theme music plays ]

♪ good morning, u.S.A. -- ♪

Aah! Oh, god! Ugh!

I thought it was all just a nightmare!

[ breathing heavily ]

Nope.

Aah! Watch it! You splashed me, you brute!

[ grunts ] hey. Can't quite reach my acqua di gio.

You already put some on.

Yeah, but I like to use a lot.

I'm happy right here.

[ both grunting ]

Aah!

No bacon. I'm a pescatarian.

Plus I just can't have you

Putting that kind of garbage in our body, stan.

Oh, my god. I can't live like -- [ burps ]

What the hell are you doing?

You think this is a walk in the park for me?

I'm taking the edge off.

[ hiccups ] damn it, roger!

I've got my performance review today!

I can't show up to work drunk!

Whatever.

That's it. I'm cutting you out.

Stan, stop! Listen.

Maybe this is just what you two need.

Your desert-island situation!

A chance to rediscover why you're friends.

I guess...Maybe I could feed you some good answers

At your performance review?

And then we could use those big, burly legs of yours

To nail my audition?

I suppose we have -- at times --

Made a pretty good team in the past.

Maybe this could all be for the...Best?

Best...Friends?

The best of friends?

The very best? Are we doin' this?

I think so! We [bleep] doin' this?

Hell yeah, we're doin' this!

Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy!

Whoo!

Hey. Look what I can do.

Tickle, tickle, tickle!

[ laughing ] stop!

[ birds chirping ]

Okay, steve.

Small kink in your plan to have my boy squirts

Help you get that girl with the big ones.

He apparently died seven years ago.

What do you have behind your back?

Nothing.

Telescoping driving cane

With articulating grabber attachment!

[ gasps ] were you talking to that thing?

I'm sorry.

But honestly, it's kind of a... Better listener than you.

[ gasps ]

You just always butt in or -- or miss the point

Or make that sound. What sound?

If anyone even mentions a woman.

Ohh!

Hey, steve, you done with good klaus?

"good klaus"?!

Ooh. It's bad klaus.

Well, cat's out of the bag, I guess.

I -- w-- you talk to it, too?

Yeah, and I really need to vent right now.

Jeff's home sick today, and he's driving me crazy.

Home sick from what?

You know, following that turtle around the neighborhood.

I got dibs after hayley.

And, guys, please don't leave good klaus just lying around.

I found rogu being inappropriate with it,

And we don't want it to end up like that old teddy bear of his.

He literally tore that thing a new a-hole.

Okay. I'll just put him in his room when I'm done.

His room?!

Yeah. We kind of gave him the spare guest room.

Shares a jack-and-jill bath with dad's office?

What?! There's a --

Uh, okay. Never mind that.

Just talk to me, though. Not that thing.

I'm this family's sounding board.

Talk to me!

Now, where were we?

♪♪

How you feeling, bud?

Feeling good.

Feeling good 'cause you're here, buddy.

I got you, pal.

I know how to chop it up with bullock.

Bullock: Smith?

Go time. Go time.

My records indicate that you missed...

112 days of work last year.

Where were you all that time?

Roger: [ whispering ] mostly with your mom.

Mostly with your mom. What?

What? Y-your mom...Bo.

Teacher. M-most -- mostly with your mambo teacher.

My mambo teacher is a saint!

How dare you!

[ exhales deeply ]

Now, what do you consider your biggest strength?

Say, "I'm good on my feet but even better on my knees."

What? No. Say it!

He'll think it's funny. No!

No what?

No...One's better than me at --

[ apple crunching, loud chewing ]

Excuse me.

Be quiet in there!

Why are you ignoring my suggestions?

Because your suggestions suck.

You suck!

I what?!

Nothing!

H-how about I tell you some of my greatest weaknesses?

[ burps loudly ]

A little liquid lunch, just like in the old days, huh?

Are you, uh, offering me a beer?

Yes. Roger: No.

One moment, please.

[ indistinct whispering ]

You can have a pumpkin ale?

Get the hell out of my office, you bastard!

You totally screwed me in there!

Oh, relax.

I'll help you smooth things over after my audition.

I'm not leaving work now to go to your stupid audition!

But you promised!

What are you gonna do about it, belly boy?

Aah!

[ clank, body thuds ]

Uh-oh.

Well, would you look at this?

I can control stan's legs now.

And would you look at this?

Bicentennial quarter!

[ down-tempo music plays ]

Look at you. So smug.

You may think you've replaced me,

But I'm gonna make it so the family will talk to me again.

Wow. You really are a good listener.

[ thinking ] and now we wait.

[ up-tempo music plays ]

Okay!

And you're sure you want to go ahead with the audition

Like this, with your... Son in tow?

Oh, yeah. Little guy's all tuckered out.

Couldn't find a sitter. Won't slow me down a bit.

Now, I've prepared a little tap-dance number for you.

These are auditions for "the vagina monologues."

Well, a little razzle-dazzle couldn't hurt, right?

Certainly not!

[ up-tempo introduction plays ]

[ scott joplin's "the entertainer" playing ]

[ moaning weakly ]

♪♪

[ grunts ]

♪♪

[ groans ]

[ thud, stan grunts, bat clatters ]

[ groans softly ]

[ mumbling indistinctly ]

Psst! Old man.

You seen a baseball bat around here?

Baseball bat's been sent out for cleanin'.

What?

Roger, where...

You knocked me out and left work to come here?!

Stan, if you'll please just let me --

Hit you in the face with a hammer!

Ow!

You promised we would come here,

You selfish piece of -- ow!

Me? Selfish?

I knew being stuck with you would be a disaster!

Aah! Ow!

Aah! Aah!

[ "the entertainer" continues ]

♪♪

Aah!

Crotch punch!

Aah! Aah!

[ both grunting ]

Ooh.

[ both groan ]

[ horn blares ]

Good news!

You survived your latest train accident intact.

And I gave you a faux-hawk!

Thanks, doc. But listen.

Is there any way...

...That you could separate us?

[ sighs ]

To be honest,

He didn't actually need to fuse you two together

In the first place.

Then why did you?!

She told me you needed a desert-island situation.

So I gave you a body buddy to rekindle your relationship.

It's worked wonders for me and billy!

No, it hasn't. I hate you more than ever!

Quiet, body billy!

So yes, I can separate you.

But why would you want me to?

Because, well, we've had our desert-island situation...

...And we still can't seem to remember why we're friends...

...What we even do for each other...

...So maybe...

...Maybe we're not friends.

Then I suppose what is needed is...

[ sniffs ]

...A bestfriendectomy.

[ down-tempo music plays ]

[ thinking ] okay.

Maybe I should've thought this through a little better.

No one's come to talk to me yet.

Getting pretty hungry.

Good klaus? We need to talk.

Ooh! Here we go!

Gentleman -- singular -- start your listenin'!

It's about bad klaus.

Real klaus.

As much of an improvement as you are over him

And as much as we like you...

So much more than bad klaus.

Much, much more than him.

Okay. Not loving this.

...He's still family.

And we decided that keeping you around

Is just too hurtful to him.

Oh, hell yeah!

Okay. We'd better destroy this thing.

Otherwise it'll be too tempting to go back to it.

What, now?

Right. Let's just toss it to rogu.

He'll make short work of it.

No. Wait. It's me! Bad klaus!

Can't even grunt!

Swallowed...Too much...Glue!

Wait!

Help!

Oh, god.

Ooh. Orangey orangey.

No! No! [ dramatic music plays ]

[ screaming ] no!

Okay, then. Best of luck to you.

Have a nice... Eternity.

You too. And tell the family --

I don't know -- goodbye forever for me or -- or whatever.

It's been real.

[ engine idling ]

♪ if you want to call me flowers ♪

♪ just go ahead now ♪

♪ and if you... ♪

♪ ...Diamonds in his pockets ♪

♪ that's some bread, now ♪

♪ this one said... ♪

[ brakes squeak, hiss ]

[ engine idling ]

[ insects chirping ]

All clear. You can come out now. Sit up front if you want.

I'm good back here.

So you're really gonna let me live with you?

I'm a man of my word.

We've got a bomb shelter out back.

I can leave groceries for you once a month.

Cool, cool.

So, what's...Space like?

S'all right. Lot of hydrogen.

And...What kind of things do you like to get up to out there?

[ exhales deeply ] glorxnars. I like glorxnars.

You know, we -- we don't have to do this, you know.

I appreciate you putting me up and all,

But silence is fine, too.

Well, excuse me, baldy.

Whoa! Easy there, buckaroo.

You're wound pretty tight, huh?

Sorry. I just...

Yes, I tend to be a-a somewhat rigid person.

Is that your finger poking around my anus?

Oh, you ain't lyin', brother.

You're as tight as a pencil sharpener. Okay.

If we're gonna do this, though,

None of this inane small talk, all right?

Tell me something real.

Tell me, like, a deep, dark secret.

But...My rigidity. Come on!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. No. Not happening. Nope.

Well, I-I guess there is something, but...

No, I-I can't. You'll laugh.

Probably. Okay. I'll go first.

Something personal about me? No genitals.

Check it out. Smooth.

There is a complicated system of cartilage

That can pop out in a way, but --

Okay. One thing I've never told anyone is...

[ inhales deeply ] ...That I...

I... [ breathing heavily ]

I've always wanted to try growing a chinstrap beard.

You should do it.

Really?

Yeah. You got the chin for it.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm picturing it, and it looks awesome.

Yeah?

Also I saw my grandfather kill a man with an ax when I was 9.

And here I'd always heard that it never hurts to ax.

[ laughs ] y-you're funny!

Did you just come up with that?

I'm good on my feet -- but even better on my knees.

Oh! Oh! Can you even say that?!

Oh! You're adorable!

♪ ...Princes, princes who adore you... ♪

Oh! Ooh, I love this song! Oh, me too!

♪ this one said he's gonna buy you flowers ♪ ♪ this one got a pepper in his pocket ♪

♪ well, go ahead, girl ♪ ♪ well, that's all red now ♪

[ music continues, both singing indistinctly ]

[ both laughing ]

[ exhales deeply ]

Well, this is it.

All right. Welp.

Guess I'll go get set up in the bomb shelter.

You know, we do also have some space in the attic,

If you'd...I don't know... Rather stay in the house?

[ down-tempo music plays ]

[ liquid splashes ]

That happens sometimes when I'm happy.

[ music continues ]

[ horns honking ]

[ music builds ]

[ tires screech ]

♪♪

[ brakes hiss, engine revs ]

Stan?

Roger. Oh, thank god!

Listen. I remembered something.

Our friendship --

It's not about anything we do for each other.

It's about how it feels when we're together.

Sounds like somebody had a flashback

To our first road trip.

I did.

I'm sorry I'd lost sight of how special our friendship is.

It was only because I'd gotten really, really, really,

Really, really, really sick of you.

Oh, stan! Me too!

[ down-tempo music plays ]

I'm glad you got off that bus, roger.

I had to, stan.

The bus driver caught me jerking off under a blanket.

Come on, pal. Let's go home.

[ down-tempo music plays ]

[ horn blares ]

I'm afraid this time,

I actually did have to fuse you together.

Oh, well. There's no one else I'd rather be stuck with.

Uh, stan?

[ both screaming ]

[ screaming ]

Have a great night!