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1
00:00:06,065 --> 00:00:08,090
?
2
00:00:09,833 --> 00:00:11,100
[exclaims]
3
00:00:16,109 --> 00:00:18,243
[school bell rings]
4
00:00:24,966 --> 00:00:27,017
?
5
00:00:27,958 --> 00:00:30,067
[bicycle bell ringing]
6
00:00:31,893 --> 00:00:33,285
[tires screech]
7
00:00:45,841 --> 00:00:48,859
Okay, ladies, let's all
take out this month's book,
8
00:00:48,940 --> 00:00:50,182
then open it, close it
9
00:00:50,186 --> 00:00:52,186
and break out the wine.
10
00:00:52,192 --> 00:00:54,634
[uncertain noises]
11
00:00:54,715 --> 00:00:56,974
You're supposed to say "Woo."
[chuckles]
12
00:00:57,054 --> 00:01:00,039
Luann, we're not
feeling very "woo."
13
00:01:00,046 --> 00:01:02,897
What we're feeling is woo-ried.
14
00:01:02,904 --> 00:01:04,904
-Mm-hmm.
-This is an intervention.
15
00:01:04,984 --> 00:01:06,910
I don't have a problem
with drinking.
16
00:01:06,990 --> 00:01:08,232
It's not the wine.
17
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:11,012
Luann, you have an addiction
to wine merch.
18
00:01:11,093 --> 00:01:13,961
[sighs] And we say this
out of love,
19
00:01:13,968 --> 00:01:15,026
it's super annoying.
20
00:01:15,104 --> 00:01:17,238
[murmuring agreement]
21
00:01:18,706 --> 00:01:21,765
But it's such a fun way of
telling the world I like wine.
22
00:01:21,772 --> 00:01:25,107
"Mom Fuel,"
that "corks are for quitters."
23
00:01:25,115 --> 00:01:26,247
"Wine is the answer,
24
00:01:26,248 --> 00:01:27,879
what was the question?"
[laughs]
25
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:31,958
The question is do you want
to live your life like this?
26
00:01:31,967 --> 00:01:35,393
Oh! And I suppose all your
throw pillows just say nothing.
27
00:01:35,477 --> 00:01:38,235
Anyway, it's not like
it's hurting anyone.
28
00:01:38,318 --> 00:01:39,926
Isn't it?
29
00:01:39,931 --> 00:01:41,913
I'm the closing manager
at Mom Goods.
30
00:01:41,995 --> 00:01:45,939
I was injured when you got into
a fight with another customer
31
00:01:45,948 --> 00:01:47,281
over an apron that says
32
00:01:47,359 --> 00:01:50,010
"This is my wine bib."
33
00:01:50,017 --> 00:01:51,107
[ashamed groan]
34
00:01:51,129 --> 00:01:53,779
Luann, we're here for you.
35
00:01:53,861 --> 00:01:57,120
B-But being a funny wine mom
is my thing.
36
00:01:57,203 --> 00:02:01,038
I have absolutely nothing else
in my life.
37
00:02:01,047 --> 00:02:02,213
-[crying]
-[sighs]
38
00:02:02,217 --> 00:02:04,050
You like coffee, right?
39
00:02:04,055 --> 00:02:07,147
What if your new personality
was coffee?
40
00:02:07,231 --> 00:02:09,006
Coffee merch
doesn't get me there.
41
00:02:09,011 --> 00:02:10,061
Chocolate?
42
00:02:10,062 --> 00:02:12,093
"It's chocolate o'clock
somewhere"?
43
00:02:12,094 --> 00:02:14,019
That makes no sense, Bernice.
44
00:02:14,025 --> 00:02:16,025
How about "proud slut"?
45
00:02:16,180 --> 00:02:17,255
Hmm...
46
00:02:17,258 --> 00:02:18,308
mm...
47
00:02:18,352 --> 00:02:20,185
I love it!
48
00:02:20,191 --> 00:02:23,210
And here is
your very first merch.
49
00:02:24,369 --> 00:02:26,128
[cheering and laughing]
50
00:02:26,207 --> 00:02:27,282
[whooping]
51
00:02:27,302 --> 00:02:29,377
Goodbye, Malibu Stacy.
52
00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:31,216
Good luck, Malibu Stacy.
53
00:02:31,297 --> 00:02:33,130
Miss you already.
54
00:02:33,131 --> 00:02:35,900
Goodbye, all you think piece-
inspiring Malibu Stacys.
55
00:02:35,901 --> 00:02:38,239
I'm going to the real world
to find a little girl
56
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:40,316
who loves me the most.
57
00:02:40,322 --> 00:02:45,158
? Closer I am to fine, yeah ?
58
00:02:45,185 --> 00:02:46,350
? Closer I am- ?
59
00:02:46,354 --> 00:02:48,095
[birds singing]
60
00:02:48,177 --> 00:02:49,687
-?
-[children gasp, murmur]
61
00:02:53,358 --> 00:02:55,282
[gasps] I knew
this day would co-
62
00:02:55,363 --> 00:02:57,213
And you're not here for me.
63
00:02:57,292 --> 00:02:58,517
Hi, Shauna!
64
00:02:59,390 --> 00:03:02,208
Um, who are you, freak?
65
00:03:02,232 --> 00:03:04,232
Besides a freaky freak,
you freak.
66
00:03:04,312 --> 00:03:07,146
I'm Malibu Stacy,
your Malibu Stacy.
67
00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:08,979
I came here
from Malibu Stacy Land
68
00:03:08,992 --> 00:03:12,085
because a real girl who
plays with me needs my help.
69
00:03:12,167 --> 00:03:13,351
And that's you, Shauna.
70
00:03:13,504 --> 00:03:16,171
You still play with dolls?
71
00:03:16,254 --> 00:03:17,436
[scoffs] No.
72
00:03:17,515 --> 00:03:19,274
It's okay to be complicated.
73
00:03:19,353 --> 00:03:22,430
As women, we can
encompass multitudes.
74
00:03:22,437 --> 00:03:24,194
Encompass my fist!
75
00:03:24,195 --> 00:03:25,294
[Stacy screams]
76
00:03:25,295 --> 00:03:26,539
-[grunts]
-Yeah, get her!
77
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,966
Get out of here
and leave me alone, loser.
78
00:03:29,047 --> 00:03:31,306
I'm so sorry.
Meet me at home after school.
79
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:34,146
We'll have a tea party.
I love you so much.
80
00:03:34,227 --> 00:03:36,245
[grunts] You're not fighting me.
81
00:03:36,326 --> 00:03:39,377
You're fighting your fears
of growing up.
82
00:03:44,255 --> 00:03:45,397
-[grunts]
-[pops]
83
00:03:48,284 --> 00:03:50,618
[screams]
84
00:03:51,292 --> 00:03:53,292
[yawning]
85
00:03:53,373 --> 00:03:55,356
All right, good night, Nelly.
86
00:03:55,361 --> 00:03:57,194
Mama, could you tell me a story?
87
00:03:57,199 --> 00:04:00,309
How about one from the Kingdom
of the Classy Ladies?
88
00:04:00,392 --> 00:04:02,058
[chuckling] Another one?
89
00:04:02,213 --> 00:04:05,990
Ah, please, I never get
tired of their adventures.
90
00:04:05,999 --> 00:04:10,410
Well, once upon a time,
there was a beautiful princess
91
00:04:10,570 --> 00:04:12,011
named Muntzeena.
92
00:04:12,090 --> 00:04:16,184
Oh, and she loved to dance
with all of her friends
93
00:04:16,269 --> 00:04:19,362
atop the glittery stage of...
94
00:04:19,444 --> 00:04:21,427
[Nelson]
Lord Tracksuit's Manor!
95
00:04:21,433 --> 00:04:23,116
[Mrs. Muntz]
One fine eve,
96
00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:26,047
a party of knights
of the Order of the Bachelor
97
00:04:26,054 --> 00:04:29,280
from the Valley of Silicon
were there,
98
00:04:29,287 --> 00:04:31,378
tossing much gold.
99
00:04:31,379 --> 00:04:32,462
Did they bring
a wizard with them
100
00:04:32,463 --> 00:04:34,146
who could control the weather?
101
00:04:34,301 --> 00:04:35,351
Oh, they sure did.
102
00:04:35,413 --> 00:04:39,323
And boy, oh, boy,
did he make it rain.
103
00:04:39,406 --> 00:04:41,073
But treachery was in the air.
104
00:04:41,153 --> 00:04:44,505
As the evil Princess Rylee
with two Es
105
00:04:44,587 --> 00:04:48,498
stepped onto the stage,
bidding the troubadour play
106
00:04:48,507 --> 00:04:51,599
"Poureth Some Sugar Unto Me."
107
00:04:51,683 --> 00:04:54,517
But that's Princess Muntzeena's
frolicking ditty.
108
00:04:54,524 --> 00:04:57,525
-Rylee stole it!
-Indeed.
109
00:04:57,532 --> 00:04:59,590
And filled with righteous fury,
110
00:04:59,628 --> 00:05:03,314
Muntzeena removed
her magical Lucite heel
111
00:05:03,472 --> 00:05:06,382
and chucked it at Rylee's
stupid face.
112
00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:08,647
Oh, Princess Muntzeena
didn't get
113
00:05:08,648 --> 00:05:10,658
docked two weeks' pay
again, did she?
114
00:05:10,659 --> 00:05:14,328
No. Because the keeper
of the door,
115
00:05:14,411 --> 00:05:16,353
Sir Gordo of the Latin Kings,
116
00:05:16,359 --> 00:05:17,433
is fair and wise
117
00:05:17,511 --> 00:05:19,228
and kind of into older broads.
118
00:05:19,308 --> 00:05:22,610
So he banished Princess Rylee
to the shift of the morn,
119
00:05:22,618 --> 00:05:24,618
when all the princes
are sleeping off
120
00:05:24,773 --> 00:05:26,214
last night's potions.
121
00:05:26,294 --> 00:05:29,462
[Nelson]
Then King Nelson came in, stole all the ducats
122
00:05:29,544 --> 00:05:32,545
and treated Muntzeena to lunch
at Krusty Burger.
123
00:05:32,628 --> 00:05:35,387
Oh, my hero.
124
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,560
No, Mom, you're mine.
125
00:05:37,642 --> 00:05:39,400
Ah, shut up.
126
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:40,980
[both grunt affectionately]
127
00:05:42,370 --> 00:05:46,256
Fun fact about Jennifer Garner,
Marge:
128
00:05:46,257 --> 00:05:48,262
She'll take a night at home
with the kids
129
00:05:48,263 --> 00:05:50,614
over a Hollywood premiere
any day of the week.
130
00:05:50,695 --> 00:05:53,529
I told you that!
131
00:05:53,536 --> 00:05:55,444
Oh, I forgot the tampons.
132
00:05:55,524 --> 00:05:56,632
Can you go grab a box?
133
00:05:56,711 --> 00:06:00,546
Shh, the checkout stranger
can hear.
134
00:06:00,629 --> 00:06:02,221
They don't care what you buy.
135
00:06:02,301 --> 00:06:04,777
Just get the tampons.
We're in a hurry.
136
00:06:06,555 --> 00:06:09,573
That's a happy graduation card.
137
00:06:09,654 --> 00:06:12,731
Oh, it's not those things?
138
00:06:12,738 --> 00:06:14,588
I guess I'm bad at shopping.
139
00:06:14,744 --> 00:06:17,595
So you'll have to go get
those things.
140
00:06:17,676 --> 00:06:19,510
[groans] Fine.
141
00:06:19,511 --> 00:06:20,701
Stop right there, Marge.
142
00:06:20,702 --> 00:06:22,535
Don't play dumb, Homer.
143
00:06:22,536 --> 00:06:24,770
Do you even realize
all the embarrassing stuff
144
00:06:24,771 --> 00:06:26,921
your wife buys for you?
145
00:06:28,298 --> 00:06:31,558
? Incompetent husband,
you weak little punk ?
146
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:33,310
? Your selfless wife
buys creams ?
147
00:06:33,311 --> 00:06:35,070
? To soothe the rash
on your junk ?
148
00:06:35,150 --> 00:06:38,393
? Incompetent husband,
just be a grown man ?
149
00:06:38,417 --> 00:06:41,585
? She didn't flinch when she
bought you an XL bedpan ?
150
00:06:41,668 --> 00:06:43,651
? You weren't even injured ?
151
00:06:43,656 --> 00:06:45,339
? You weren't even sick ?
152
00:06:45,495 --> 00:06:48,513
? Just too drunk
to make it to the can ?
153
00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:49,760
? To the can, to the can ?
154
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:51,615
? To the can, can, can... ?
155
00:06:51,695 --> 00:06:54,621
Stop shaming me
in front of Hans Moleman.
156
00:06:54,704 --> 00:06:56,537
Oh, we're just getting started.
157
00:06:56,692 --> 00:06:58,300
? Your fungus has infections ?
158
00:06:58,301 --> 00:06:59,717
? Your infections
have the runs ?
159
00:06:59,718 --> 00:07:01,309
? Gassy nipples, crotch foot ?
160
00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:03,480
? Massive hemorrhoids
on your buns ?
161
00:07:03,486 --> 00:07:06,712
? You said they don't remember
or care what we buy ?
162
00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,328
? It's a little disconcerting ?
163
00:07:08,333 --> 00:07:10,483
? But I'm glad
they're on my side ?
164
00:07:10,484 --> 00:07:12,735
? She gets you meds
for blood pressure ?
165
00:07:12,736 --> 00:07:14,494
? Cholesterol and gout ?
166
00:07:14,575 --> 00:07:17,668
? I want to get the tampons,
but I can't figure it out ?
167
00:07:17,750 --> 00:07:19,675
? Yes, you can,
yes, you can ?
168
00:07:19,676 --> 00:07:20,867
? Yes, you can, can, can ?
169
00:07:20,868 --> 00:07:23,952
? She texted you
a photo of the brand ?
170
00:07:25,530 --> 00:07:30,366
? Incompetent husband,
we're so on to you ?
171
00:07:30,376 --> 00:07:34,712
? You're only bad at doing
things you don't want to do ?
172
00:07:34,797 --> 00:07:37,631
? You can't be this stupid ?
173
00:07:37,638 --> 00:07:40,564
? It's all just a ruse... ?
174
00:07:40,646 --> 00:07:43,739
Okay, okay, I'll do it!
I'll buy my wife tampons!
175
00:07:43,822 --> 00:07:45,413
Just tell me where they are.
176
00:07:45,434 --> 00:07:50,562
? Incompetent husband,
aisle two. ?
177
00:07:55,797 --> 00:07:58,280
Breaking news.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
178
00:07:58,281 --> 00:07:59,306
A ship carrying America's
entire supply of cigarettes
179
00:07:59,307 --> 00:08:01,790
has become lodged
in the Panama Canal.
180
00:08:01,796 --> 00:08:04,722
R, D, R, D, R, D.
181
00:08:04,804 --> 00:08:07,638
[horns blaring]
182
00:08:07,645 --> 00:08:09,812
Do you think
the honking is helping?
183
00:08:09,835 --> 00:08:11,409
'Cause I don't!
184
00:08:11,410 --> 00:08:14,071
Experts say the cigarette
shortage could mean months
185
00:08:14,072 --> 00:08:17,757
before are restocked
and lungs re-blackened.
186
00:08:19,009 --> 00:08:23,679
Mm. I hope we have enough smokes
to last until this is over.
187
00:08:23,689 --> 00:08:24,780
I'm sure we'll be okay
188
00:08:24,784 --> 00:08:26,934
if we just pool
all our cigarettes.
189
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,049
You know, share.
190
00:08:29,965 --> 00:08:31,723
Yeah. Share.
191
00:08:31,804 --> 00:08:33,854
Share the cigarettes.
192
00:08:34,812 --> 00:08:36,962
Thing is, I don't have any.
193
00:08:36,968 --> 00:08:38,952
Yeah, me neither.
194
00:08:45,675 --> 00:08:46,975
[Patty and Selma growl]
195
00:08:47,998 --> 00:08:50,107
[both grunting]
196
00:08:54,775 --> 00:08:56,000
Liar!
197
00:08:57,708 --> 00:08:59,008
Busted!
198
00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,014
Addict!
199
00:09:01,811 --> 00:09:04,103
J'accuse!
200
00:09:05,730 --> 00:09:08,031
J'accuse you!
201
00:09:09,845 --> 00:09:11,896
-Aha!
-Aha!
202
00:09:11,897 --> 00:09:14,048
[coughing, sputtering]
203
00:09:15,757 --> 00:09:17,849
[coughing]
204
00:09:17,930 --> 00:09:20,689
-[beeping]
-[coughing]
205
00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,864
Oh, hey there, handsome.
What's your name?
206
00:09:29,946 --> 00:09:31,796
Dr. Julius Hibbert.
207
00:09:31,877 --> 00:09:33,209
No, it's not.
208
00:09:33,231 --> 00:09:36,882
Ugh. Remember, tonight we're
roleplaying as strangers,
209
00:09:36,883 --> 00:09:38,762
meeting for
a tawdry one-night stand
210
00:09:38,763 --> 00:09:42,973
that my therapist says will
reinvigorate our marriage.
211
00:09:42,982 --> 00:09:44,999
I'm a man of science,
not improv.
212
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:46,988
Mm. Hmph.
213
00:09:46,993 --> 00:09:49,828
Okay, okay, I'll give it a try.
214
00:09:49,835 --> 00:09:50,885
[clears throat]
215
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,340
Hello, stranger.
216
00:09:53,344 --> 00:09:56,937
Got any sexually-transmitted
diseases I should know about?
217
00:09:57,021 --> 00:10:00,857
Ugh. My name is Laverne McCray.
218
00:10:00,865 --> 00:10:02,030
I'm a lingerie model.
219
00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:03,809
Well, we have that in common.
220
00:10:03,965 --> 00:10:05,965
You're a lingerie model?
221
00:10:06,045 --> 00:10:09,881
No, um, my name is also
Laverne McCray.
222
00:10:09,890 --> 00:10:13,057
I-I mean Maverne MacDoolittle?
223
00:10:13,082 --> 00:10:15,916
-Uh, I'm a doc-
-[grumbles]
224
00:10:15,998 --> 00:10:17,907
Documentarian.
225
00:10:17,912 --> 00:10:20,003
Of motorcycles.
Which I race.
226
00:10:20,084 --> 00:10:21,751
For, uh, pleasure.
227
00:10:21,756 --> 00:10:25,182
Oh, Maverne, you're just
full of surprises.
228
00:10:25,265 --> 00:10:27,023
Help! This man is choking!
229
00:10:27,103 --> 00:10:29,938
Is anyone here a doctor?
230
00:10:29,945 --> 00:10:31,702
Me, I'm a...
231
00:10:31,707 --> 00:10:34,800
Uh, I'm a-hoping you find
a doctor before it's too late.
232
00:10:34,883 --> 00:10:38,051
You want me to let a man die
to give our marriage a boost?
233
00:10:38,134 --> 00:10:39,892
It would be a start.
234
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:42,231
Oh, my God, he's turning blue.
235
00:10:42,312 --> 00:10:44,980
I can help.
I-I'm a French neurosurgeon.
236
00:10:45,003 --> 00:10:46,873
No, he's not.
We're just roleplaying.
237
00:10:46,992 --> 00:10:50,101
You said if I stayed
in character, we could have sex.
238
00:10:50,184 --> 00:10:52,001
I took an oath, woman.
239
00:10:52,022 --> 00:10:53,930
I deserve passion!
240
00:10:53,935 --> 00:10:55,026
A sad scene.
241
00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:57,140
Remember, if you're
going to role-play,
242
00:10:57,203 --> 00:10:58,702
play it safe.
243
00:10:58,703 --> 00:11:00,043
This has been a message from
244
00:11:00,044 --> 00:11:02,804
the President's Council
on Marital Role-play,
245
00:11:02,805 --> 00:11:04,889
which does not exist
because I'm only pretending
246
00:11:04,890 --> 00:11:08,150
to be a spokesperson
to turn on the men in this bar.
247
00:11:08,158 --> 00:11:10,975
Role-play, baby. I dig it.
248
00:11:10,982 --> 00:11:12,999
Fireman Stu is hot for you.
249
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:16,006
I caught one.
250
00:11:16,088 --> 00:11:17,680
We caught you, Luigi.
251
00:11:17,759 --> 00:11:21,761
You've been smuggling diamonds
inside your four-cheese gnocchi.
252
00:11:21,845 --> 00:11:26,240
Being caught with loaded
gnocchi is no "gn-jokey."
253
00:11:27,118 --> 00:11:29,043
I want-a my mamma!
254
00:11:29,124 --> 00:11:31,958
Eh, what you
should want is a lawyer.
255
00:11:31,965 --> 00:11:34,874
How's about-a both?
256
00:11:34,881 --> 00:11:38,734
? She was making antipasto
with a chop, chop, chop-a ?
257
00:11:38,735 --> 00:11:41,140
? When her baby boy was taken
by the cop, cop, cop-a ?
258
00:11:41,141 --> 00:11:43,981
? With-a-out her son, she knew
her heart would-a stop-a ?
259
00:11:43,982 --> 00:11:48,176
? Life had given her
a sock in the jaw ?
260
00:11:48,177 --> 00:11:50,331
? So she headed up to Harvard ?
261
00:11:50,332 --> 00:11:52,019
? Where they have
a law school-a ?
262
00:11:52,020 --> 00:11:53,339
? Her homespun wisdom made ?
263
00:11:53,340 --> 00:11:54,434
? The stuffed shirts drool-a ?
264
00:11:54,435 --> 00:11:56,118
? Well, she no speak-a so good ?
265
00:11:56,273 --> 00:11:57,957
? But she's nobody's fool-a ?
266
00:11:57,958 --> 00:11:59,130
? That's how she became ?
267
00:11:59,131 --> 00:12:01,215
? Mamma-at-law. ?
268
00:12:02,335 --> 00:12:06,057
It's-a not-a
looking a-good, Mamma.
269
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:07,808
They gonna
send-a me away forever.
270
00:12:09,828 --> 00:12:12,328
Counselor Mamma,
your closing argument?
271
00:12:14,173 --> 00:12:16,465
[clears throat]
272
00:12:22,254 --> 00:12:26,089
Don't you dare
take-a my sweet, sweet, sweet
273
00:12:26,097 --> 00:12:27,263
baby boy to jail.
274
00:12:27,267 --> 00:12:30,043
You want to kill an old woman?
275
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:32,050
Uh, no?
276
00:12:32,130 --> 00:12:33,280
Aw, thank you.
277
00:12:33,284 --> 00:12:36,060
You too skinny. Have some ziti.
278
00:12:36,141 --> 00:12:39,293
We find the defendant
not guilty.
279
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,241
[applause]
280
00:12:41,397 --> 00:12:43,973
[Mamma] Next week,
on the Mamma-At-Law...
281
00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:48,091
Civil forfeitures laws unfairly
discriminate against
282
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:50,158
low income communities.
283
00:12:50,163 --> 00:12:52,163
You too skinny!
284
00:12:52,169 --> 00:12:53,401
? Mamma-at-law. ?
285
00:12:58,034 --> 00:13:01,878
["Serenade No. 13 for strings
in G major" by Mozart playing]
286
00:13:04,645 --> 00:13:09,797
[Dora]
I believe every great dish is born of dreams.
287
00:13:09,826 --> 00:13:12,660
I'll often awaken
with a new creation
288
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:14,625
fully formed in my head.
289
00:13:15,918 --> 00:13:19,160
Every morning,
I go to the farmer's market
290
00:13:19,243 --> 00:13:20,684
to get inspired.
291
00:13:20,838 --> 00:13:23,857
Each ingredient
becomes a character
292
00:13:23,940 --> 00:13:25,847
in the story of lunch.
293
00:13:25,928 --> 00:13:29,187
Today's story is I have 14 bucks
294
00:13:29,271 --> 00:13:32,196
and 500 kids to feed.
295
00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:34,054
Salt.
296
00:13:34,209 --> 00:13:35,259
Fat.
297
00:13:35,260 --> 00:13:36,289
Acid.
298
00:13:36,290 --> 00:13:37,956
Heat.
299
00:13:37,961 --> 00:13:39,218
No, thanks.
300
00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:40,985
I've eaten in restaurants
all over the world,
301
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:42,986
and Lunch Lady Dora's
doing things
302
00:13:42,992 --> 00:13:46,159
I never thought
were possible... or legal.
303
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:47,926
Someone needs to stop her.
304
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:49,220
Maybe the government?
305
00:13:50,921 --> 00:13:53,831
[Dora]
When I present my food,
306
00:13:53,838 --> 00:13:55,947
I want it to evoke an emotion.
307
00:13:57,105 --> 00:13:58,205
-Panic.
-Ah!
308
00:14:01,969 --> 00:14:06,054
["The Four Seasons: Summer"
by Antonio Vivaldi]
309
00:14:12,907 --> 00:14:16,149
[Dora]
If I wasn't a cook, I'd probably be a painter
310
00:14:16,157 --> 00:14:17,248
or a novelist.
311
00:14:17,252 --> 00:14:18,919
Some other job where I could
312
00:14:19,074 --> 00:14:21,244
drink vodka from a mug
and knock off by 2:00.
313
00:14:28,190 --> 00:14:31,000
?
314
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,874
Narnia.
315
00:14:36,881 --> 00:14:39,123
All hail!
Our queen has returned!
316
00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:41,980
Woodland friends,
it is good to see you.
317
00:14:42,137 --> 00:14:45,155
How has the kingdom fared
in my absence?
318
00:14:45,237 --> 00:14:46,921
The realm is troubled, milady,
319
00:14:47,001 --> 00:14:48,909
and your wisdom
is much required.
320
00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:51,156
By royal decree, we command
321
00:14:51,162 --> 00:14:54,087
that the roads
of our kingdom be improved
322
00:14:54,170 --> 00:14:56,261
so that all may benefit.
323
00:14:56,285 --> 00:14:59,101
Whoa, who's gonna pay for that?
324
00:14:59,184 --> 00:15:01,108
Oh... hmm.
325
00:15:01,190 --> 00:15:02,280
Ooh, what about this?
326
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:04,193
For every spell cast,
327
00:15:04,215 --> 00:15:08,124
we impose a tariff
of one gold piece.
328
00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:13,214
You're aware that that
unfairly targets witches, right?
329
00:15:13,223 --> 00:15:16,074
This is why so many of us
are moving to other kingdoms.
330
00:15:16,231 --> 00:15:18,915
Well, you want
better roads, right?
331
00:15:18,997 --> 00:15:23,091
And affordable housing?
So you can live closer to work?
332
00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:24,358
Yes, give it to us now.
333
00:15:24,436 --> 00:15:28,230
So, the money for all that
334
00:15:28,239 --> 00:15:30,281
has to come from somewhere.
335
00:15:30,437 --> 00:15:32,103
That's the kingdom's job.
336
00:15:32,108 --> 00:15:35,385
What about
a property tax on moats?
337
00:15:35,392 --> 00:15:37,207
Oh, yeah, soak the rich.
338
00:15:37,289 --> 00:15:39,231
That's your answer
to everything.
339
00:15:39,311 --> 00:15:41,294
Calm down, my good people.
340
00:15:41,317 --> 00:15:43,317
You hear that?
She called us people!
341
00:15:43,473 --> 00:15:45,230
That's racist!
342
00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:46,919
Death to the tyrant!
343
00:15:46,924 --> 00:15:49,316
Sorry, people!
I mean subjects!
344
00:15:49,322 --> 00:15:51,172
I mean... citizens?
345
00:15:51,173 --> 00:15:52,012
[screams]
346
00:15:52,013 --> 00:15:54,272
Ugh. I can't even have fun
347
00:15:54,427 --> 00:15:56,361
in my dreams anymore.
348
00:16:04,138 --> 00:16:06,363
So, hi.
349
00:16:06,369 --> 00:16:08,978
This is my first time
on one of these sites.
350
00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:11,209
I'm not really sure
how this works,
351
00:16:11,232 --> 00:16:15,050
but it's time to admit
that I'm lonely.
352
00:16:15,059 --> 00:16:17,226
Janice passed away
six months ago,
353
00:16:17,249 --> 00:16:20,342
and I'm finally ready
to open my heart
354
00:16:20,498 --> 00:16:22,165
to a new enemy.
355
00:16:22,187 --> 00:16:25,430
We were at war for 50 years.
356
00:16:25,512 --> 00:16:28,180
Oh, God, what a nemesis she was.
357
00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:32,448
The most loathsome,
sorry excuse for a human being
358
00:16:32,531 --> 00:16:34,531
you ever met.
359
00:16:34,537 --> 00:16:36,204
May she burn in Hell.
360
00:16:36,209 --> 00:16:39,118
I know you're not supposed
to talk about your ex,
361
00:16:39,125 --> 00:16:42,176
but that relationship
is a part of me.
362
00:16:42,259 --> 00:16:46,393
Anyway, ever since
I spit on her ugly grave,
363
00:16:46,479 --> 00:16:48,145
I've been alone.
364
00:16:48,150 --> 00:16:50,651
I'm looking for someone
in my rage bracket.
365
00:16:50,657 --> 00:16:52,081
I'm not young.
366
00:16:52,082 --> 00:16:53,347
I don't have time to waste
367
00:16:53,348 --> 00:16:56,182
exchanging
passive-aggressive emails,
368
00:16:56,264 --> 00:16:59,190
or shooting hostile stares
across a supermarket.
369
00:16:59,272 --> 00:17:01,272
I'm looking for
a real commitment.
370
00:17:01,295 --> 00:17:04,129
If you think that could be you,
reach out.
371
00:17:04,211 --> 00:17:06,303
I just want
to make someone miserable
372
00:17:06,384 --> 00:17:08,534
for the rest of
their worthless life.
373
00:17:08,535 --> 00:17:09,483
Hmph.
374
00:17:09,484 --> 00:17:11,400
[chiming]
375
00:17:13,236 --> 00:17:17,238
[playing over radio]
? Jesus hates your Prius ?
376
00:17:17,247 --> 00:17:21,299
? The Lord loves his V8 Ford ?
377
00:17:22,168 --> 00:17:24,577
[klaxon blares over radio]
378
00:17:24,578 --> 00:17:26,438
[announcer] We interrupt this
program for an emergency broadcast.
379
00:17:26,439 --> 00:17:29,273
A massive tsunami
is headed for Springfield.
380
00:17:29,274 --> 00:17:31,434
-You have ten minutes
left to live... -[gasps]
381
00:17:31,435 --> 00:17:34,361
...so if there's anything you
still need to do on this Earth,
382
00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:35,552
now is the time.
383
00:17:41,417 --> 00:17:43,501
Howdy, Helen.
384
00:17:43,502 --> 00:17:46,412
-Thought you didn't see-
-[grunts]
385
00:17:48,257 --> 00:17:50,424
Oh, hey, there, Mrs. Lovej-
386
00:17:51,658 --> 00:17:53,508
Ooh!
387
00:17:53,513 --> 00:17:55,480
[train whistle blows]
388
00:17:57,524 --> 00:17:59,357
Helen, are you okay?
389
00:17:59,437 --> 00:18:01,371
[panting]
390
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:09,644
[panting]
391
00:18:12,473 --> 00:18:14,532
Did I do someth-
392
00:18:16,409 --> 00:18:18,559
[sighs] I can die now.
393
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:20,565
[klaxon blares over radio]
394
00:18:20,570 --> 00:18:23,404
We have a clarification
to our previous warning.
395
00:18:23,411 --> 00:18:26,412
A tsunami of savings
is approaching Springfield
396
00:18:26,420 --> 00:18:29,421
at Costington's
Red Tag Clearance.
397
00:18:29,428 --> 00:18:31,412
All is well, and on sale.
398
00:18:32,453 --> 00:18:33,669
It's a great hobby.
399
00:18:34,776 --> 00:18:37,610
Very, uh, manly?
400
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:38,783
I don't know...
401
00:18:38,787 --> 00:18:40,711
Thanks. Yeah.
402
00:18:40,793 --> 00:18:41,942
I enjoy it.
403
00:18:46,324 --> 00:18:48,641
[children laughing, chattering]
404
00:18:48,647 --> 00:18:51,315
Oh, Milhouse fell down.
405
00:18:51,322 --> 00:18:52,487
I think he's okay,
406
00:18:52,488 --> 00:18:54,513
but it looks like
the poor guy's about to...
407
00:18:54,514 --> 00:18:56,664
[Milhouse wailing]
408
00:18:56,670 --> 00:18:59,571
Yes, sweet music to my wallet.
409
00:19:02,686 --> 00:19:04,611
Aw, I was so sure
it was gonna be Janey.
410
00:19:04,692 --> 00:19:07,301
She's coming off
a two-sleepover weekend.
411
00:19:07,302 --> 00:19:09,795
Doesn't betting on bad things
happening to children
412
00:19:09,796 --> 00:19:12,373
feel just a bit wrong?
413
00:19:12,380 --> 00:19:14,396
I feel nothing,
and I'm fine with that.
414
00:19:14,477 --> 00:19:16,719
Someone just fell off
the monkey bars.
415
00:19:16,742 --> 00:19:18,408
[all gasp]
416
00:19:18,409 --> 00:19:19,749
Willie, we need
an ID on the faller.
417
00:19:19,750 --> 00:19:21,508
[Willie]
It's Sheri.
418
00:19:21,513 --> 00:19:22,563
[groaning]
419
00:19:22,591 --> 00:19:24,408
Oh, yes! Yes!
420
00:19:24,409 --> 00:19:25,581
[Willie]
Correction,
421
00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,524
the faller is Teri.
422
00:19:27,530 --> 00:19:29,422
Repeat, Teri.
423
00:19:29,443 --> 00:19:31,427
-[groaning]
-Come to papa.
424
00:19:31,432 --> 00:19:33,523
I-I can't be a part of this.
425
00:19:33,604 --> 00:19:34,654
[Willie]
Oy,
426
00:19:34,699 --> 00:19:37,533
shut up, you debt-ridden
chalk-sniffers.
427
00:19:37,540 --> 00:19:40,450
We have a middle finger
on the playground.
428
00:19:40,473 --> 00:19:41,553
Who flipped the bird?
429
00:19:41,554 --> 00:19:43,648
Come on, weird
foreign exchange student.
430
00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:46,391
I cannot believe
I'm saying this.
431
00:19:46,398 --> 00:19:49,825
The bird-flipper
is Lisa Simpson.
432
00:19:49,833 --> 00:19:51,499
[gasping]
433
00:19:51,503 --> 00:19:53,653
Impossible. What were the odds?
434
00:19:53,659 --> 00:19:54,842
500 to one.
435
00:19:54,846 --> 00:19:56,754
I'm so disappointed in you guys.
436
00:19:56,777 --> 00:19:59,669
Or should I say, for you guys.
437
00:19:59,676 --> 00:20:00,826
Yoink.
438
00:20:01,635 --> 00:20:03,686
Nice work.
439
00:20:03,687 --> 00:20:06,688
Pleasure doing business
with you.
440
00:20:06,712 --> 00:20:08,721
?
441
00:20:13,823 --> 00:20:15,740
[bicycle bell rings]
442
00:20:19,748 --> 00:20:20,881
[bicycle bell rings]
443
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,554
[rings]
444
00:20:28,773 --> 00:20:30,531
?
445
00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:44,902
[narrator]
Every story needs a hero.
446
00:20:44,909 --> 00:20:46,634
Every hero has a beginning.
447
00:20:46,655 --> 00:20:48,831
Witness the rise of a legend.
448
00:20:49,923 --> 00:20:52,832
You know, that
Jake from State Farm
449
00:20:52,989 --> 00:20:54,822
kind of does it for me.
450
00:20:54,844 --> 00:20:56,844
You want to go upstairs?
451
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,758
Yeah, all right.
452
00:20:58,777 --> 00:21:00,694
?
453
00:21:07,953 --> 00:21:09,953
?
454
00:21:30,577 --> 00:21:32,608
Shh!
455
00:21:32,609 --> 00:21:37,159
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