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♪ The Simpsons ♪
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{\an8}Okay, ladies.
Let's all take out this month's book.
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{\an8}Then open it, close it,
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{\an8}and break out the wine!
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{\an8}You're supposed to say "Whoo."
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{\an8}Luann, we're not feeling very "Whoo."
What we're feeling is "woo-oried."
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{\an8}This is an intervention.
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{\an8}I don't have a problem with drinking.
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{\an8}It's not the wine.
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{\an8}Luann, you have an addiction
to wine merch.
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{\an8}And we say this out of love.
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{\an8}It's super annoying.
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{\an8}But it's such a fun way
of telling the world, "I like wine."
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{\an8}"Mom Fuel."
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"Corks are for quitters."
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{\an8}"Wine is the answer."
"What was the question?"
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{\an8}The questions is:
Do you want to live your life like this?
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{\an8}Oh, and I suppose all your throw pillows
just say nothing?
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{\an8}Anyway, it's not like it's hurting anyone.
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{\an8}Isn't it?
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{\an8}I'm the closing manager at Mom Goods.
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{\an8}I was injured
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{\an8}when you got into a fight
with another customer over an apron
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{\an8}that says "This is my wine bib."
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{\an8}Luann, we're here for you.
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{\an8}But being a funny wine mom is my thing.
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{\an8}I have absolutely nothing else in my life.
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{\an8}You like coffee, right?
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{\an8}What if your new personality was coffee?
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Coffee merch doesn't get me there!
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- Chocolate?
- "It's chocolate o'clock somewhere"?
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That makes no sense, Bernice.
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How about "proud slut"?
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I love it.
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And here is your very first merch.
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{\an8}Yay!
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Good bye, Malibu Stacy!
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- Good luck, Malibu Stacy!
- Miss you already!
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Good bye, all you
think-piece-inspiring Malibu Stacys!
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I'm going to the real world to find
the little girl who loves me the most.
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I knew this day would co...
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And you're not here for me.
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Hi, Shauna!
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Um. Who are you, freak?
Besides a freaky freak, you freak.
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I'm Malibu Stacy. You're Malibu Stacy.
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I came here from Malibu Stacy Land,
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00:03:09,229 --> 00:03:12,148
because a real girl
who plays with me needs my help.
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And that's you, Shauna.
49
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You still play with dolls?
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No.
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It's okay to be complicated.
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As women, we can encompass multitudes.
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Encompass my fist.
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Yeah! Get her!
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Get outta here and leave me alone, loser.
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I'm so sorry.
Meet me at home after school.
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We'll have a tea party.
I love you so much.
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You're not fighting me.
You're fighting your fears of growing up.
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Ah. Good night, Nelly.
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00:03:55,692 --> 00:03:57,693
Mama, could you tell me a story?
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How about one
from the Kingdom of the Classy Ladies?
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Another one?
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Aw, please!
I never get tired of their adventures.
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Well, once upon a time,
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00:04:08,580 --> 00:04:12,625
there was a beautiful princess
named Muntzeena.
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Oh, and she loved to dance with all
of her friends atop the glittery stage of...
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Lord Tracksuit's Manor!
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One fine eve, a party of Knights
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of the Order of the Bachelor
from the Valley of Silicon were there,
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tossing much gold.
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Did they bring a wizard with them
who could control the weather?
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Oh, they sure did.
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And boy, oh boy, did he make it rain.
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But treachery was in the air,
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as the evil princess, Rylee, with two E's,
stepped onto the stage
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bidding the troubadour play
Poureth Some Sugar Unto Me.
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But that's Princess Muntzeena's
frolicking ditty. Rylee stole it!
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Indeed.
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And, filled with righteous fury,
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Muntzeena removed her magical lucite heel
and chucked it at Rylee's stupid face.
81
00:05:06,471 --> 00:05:11,475
Ooh. Princess Muntzeena didn't get
docked two weeks' pay again, did she?
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00:05:11,476 --> 00:05:16,522
No. Because the Keeper of the Door,
Sir Gordo of the Latin Kings,
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00:05:16,523 --> 00:05:19,817
is fair, and wise
and kinda into older broads.
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00:05:19,818 --> 00:05:23,154
So he banished Princess Rylee
to the Shift of the Morn',
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when all the princes
are sleeping off last night's potions.
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Then King Nelson came in,
stole all the ducats,
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00:05:29,786 --> 00:05:32,955
and treated Muntzeena to lunch
at Krustyburger.
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Oh, my hero.
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No, Mom. You're mine.
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Ah, shut up.
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00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:46,385
Fun fact about Jennifer Garner, Marge.
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She'll take a night at home with the kids
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00:05:48,263 --> 00:05:51,265
over a Hollywood premiere
any day of the week.
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I told you that.
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00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:57,104
Oh, I forgot the tampons.
Can you go grab a box?
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Shh!
The checkout stranger can hear.
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They don't care what you buy.
Just get the tampons. We're in a hurry.
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{\an8}That's a "Happy Graduation" card.
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00:06:09,951 --> 00:06:13,204
Oh! It's not... [whispers] ...those things?
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I guess I'm bad at shopping,
so you'll have to go get...
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00:06:16,500 --> 00:06:19,710
- ...those things.
- Ugh. Fine.
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00:06:19,711 --> 00:06:21,337
Stop right there, Marge.
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00:06:21,338 --> 00:06:22,797
Don't play dumb, Homer.
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Do you even realize all the
embarrassing stuff your wife buys for you?
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♪ Incompetent husband,
You weak little punk ♪
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♪ Your selfless wife buys creams
To soothe the rash on your junk ♪
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♪ Incompetent husband,
Just be a grown man ♪
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♪ She didn't flinch
When she bought you an XL bed pan ♪
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♪ You weren't even injured ♪
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♪ You weren't even sick ♪
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♪ Just too drunk
To make it to the can ♪
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♪ To the can, to the can
To the can, can, can ♪
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00:06:51,952 --> 00:06:54,870
♪ Stop shaming me
In front of Hans Moleman ♪
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Oh, we're just getting started.
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{\an8}♪ Your fungus has infections
Your infections have the runs ♪
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{\an8}♪ Gassy nipples, crotch foot
Massive hemorrhoids on your buns ♪
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♪ You said they don't remember
Or care what we buy ♪
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♪ It's a little disconcerting
But I'm glad they're on my side ♪
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♪ She gets you meds for blood pressure
Cholesterol and gout ♪
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00:07:14,808 --> 00:07:17,935
♪ I wanna get the tampons
But I can't figure it out ♪
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♪ Yes, you can, yes, you can
Yes, you can, can, can ♪
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♪ She texted you a photo of the brand ♪
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♪ Incompetent husband, we're so onto you ♪
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♪ You're only bad at doing things
You don't want to do ♪
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♪ You can't be this stupid
It's all just a ruse ♪
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Okay, okay. I'll do it.
I'll buy my wife tampons.
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Just tell me where they are.
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♪ Incompetent husband, aisle two ♪
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Breaking news. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
130
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A ship carrying America's
entire supply of cigarettes
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has become lodged in the Panama Canal.
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00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:04,859
R. D. R. D. R. D.
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00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:11,697
Do you think the honking is helping?
'Cause I don't.
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00:08:11,698 --> 00:08:14,366
Experts say the cigarette shortage
could mean months
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00:08:14,367 --> 00:08:17,788
before shelves are restocked
and lungs re-blackened.
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00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:23,667
{\an8}I hope we have enough smokes
to last until this is over.
137
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{\an8}I'm sure we'll be okay
if we just pool all our cigarettes.
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{\an8}You know, share.
139
00:08:30,259 --> 00:08:33,846
{\an8}Yeah. Share. Share the cigarettes.
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{\an8}Thing is, I don't have any.
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{\an8}Yeah, me neither.
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Liar.
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Busted.
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Addict.
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"J'accuse."
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"J'accuse" you.
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- Aha!
- Aha!
148
00:09:27,191 --> 00:09:29,942
Ooh. Hey there, handsome.
What's your name?
149
00:09:29,943 --> 00:09:31,610
Dr. Julius Hibbert.
150
00:09:31,611 --> 00:09:33,070
No, it's not.
151
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Remember?
Tonight we're role-playing as strangers
152
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meeting for a tawdry one-night stand
153
00:09:39,369 --> 00:09:43,163
that my therapist says
will reinvigorate our marriage.
154
00:09:43,164 --> 00:09:45,418
I'm a man of science, not improv.
155
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:50,298
Okay, okay. I'll give it a try.
156
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,132
Hello, stranger.
157
00:09:53,133 --> 00:09:57,136
Got any sexually transmitted
diseases I should know about?
158
00:09:57,137 --> 00:10:00,472
My name is Lavern McCray.
159
00:10:00,473 --> 00:10:02,349
I'm a lingerie model.
160
00:10:02,350 --> 00:10:03,976
Well, we have that in common.
161
00:10:03,977 --> 00:10:05,978
You're a lingerie model?
162
00:10:05,979 --> 00:10:09,857
No. Uh, my name is also Lavern McCray.
163
00:10:09,858 --> 00:10:12,860
I mean, Mavern "McDoLittle"?
164
00:10:12,861 --> 00:10:15,406
Uh, I'm a doc...
165
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:21,785
...documentarian of motorcycles
which I race for, uh, pleasure.
166
00:10:21,786 --> 00:10:24,872
Oh, Mavern, you're just full of surprises.
167
00:10:24,873 --> 00:10:27,249
Help! This man is choking!
168
00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:29,918
Is anyone here a doctor?
169
00:10:29,919 --> 00:10:31,670
Me. I'm a...
170
00:10:31,671 --> 00:10:35,257
I'ma hoping you find a doctor
before it's too late.
171
00:10:35,258 --> 00:10:38,260
You want me to let a man die
to give our marriage a boost?
172
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It would be a start.
173
00:10:39,596 --> 00:10:42,431
Oh, my God. He's turning blue.
174
00:10:42,432 --> 00:10:44,933
I can help. I'm a French neurosurgeon.
175
00:10:44,934 --> 00:10:47,229
No, he's not. We're just role-playing.
176
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You said if I stayed in character,
we could have sex.
177
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:51,857
I took an oath, woman.
178
00:10:51,858 --> 00:10:53,776
I deserve passion!
179
00:10:53,777 --> 00:10:55,235
A sad scene.
180
00:10:55,236 --> 00:10:58,989
Remember, if you're going to role-play,
play it safe.
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00:10:58,990 --> 00:11:02,951
This has been a message from the
President's Council on Marital Role-Play,
182
00:11:02,952 --> 00:11:06,580
which does not exist because I'm only
pretending to be a spokesperson
183
00:11:06,581 --> 00:11:08,999
to turn on the men in this bar.
184
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,793
Role-play, baby. I dig it.
185
00:11:10,794 --> 00:11:13,379
Fireman Stu is hot for you.
186
00:11:13,380 --> 00:11:14,548
I caught one.
187
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:17,633
We caught you, Luigi.
188
00:11:17,634 --> 00:11:21,804
You've been smuggling diamonds
inside your four-cheese gnocchi.
189
00:11:21,805 --> 00:11:26,060
Being caught with loaded gnocchi
is no "gn-jokey."
190
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,228
I want-a my mama.
191
00:11:29,229 --> 00:11:31,855
What you should want is a lawyer.
192
00:11:31,856 --> 00:11:34,360
How's about both?
193
00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:38,696
♪ She was making antipasto
With a chop-chop-chop-a ♪
194
00:11:38,697 --> 00:11:41,490
♪ When her baby boy was taken
By the cop-cop-cop-a ♪
195
00:11:41,491 --> 00:11:44,243
♪ With-a-out her son
She knew her heart would-a stop-a ♪
196
00:11:44,244 --> 00:11:47,957
♪ Life had given her a sock in the jaw ♪
197
00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:51,750
{\an8}♪ So she headed up to Harvard
Where they have a law school-a ♪
198
00:11:51,751 --> 00:11:54,712
♪ Her homespun wisdom
Made the stuffed shirts drool-a ♪
199
00:11:54,713 --> 00:11:57,631
♪ She no speak-a so good
But she's nobody's fool-a ♪
200
00:11:57,632 --> 00:12:00,803
♪ That's how she became "Mamma-at-Law" ♪
201
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:07,518
It's-a not looking good, Mamma.
They gonna send me away forever.
202
00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:12,273
Counselor Mamma, your closing argument.
203
00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:27,286
Don't you dare take-a
my sweet, sweet, sweet baby boy to jail.
204
00:12:27,287 --> 00:12:30,372
You want to kill an old woman?
205
00:12:30,373 --> 00:12:33,584
- Uh, no.
- Oh, thank you.
206
00:12:33,585 --> 00:12:35,961
You're too skinny. Have some ziti.
207
00:12:35,962 --> 00:12:39,299
We find the defendant not guilty.
208
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:43,969
Next week on the Mamma-at-Law.
209
00:12:43,970 --> 00:12:47,347
Civil forfeitures laws
unfairly discriminate
210
00:12:47,348 --> 00:12:49,975
against low-income communities.
211
00:12:49,976 --> 00:12:51,602
You're too skinny.
212
00:12:51,603 --> 00:12:53,105
♪ Mamma-at-Law ♪
213
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:08,537
I believe
every great dish is born of dreams.
214
00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:13,834
I'll often awaken with a new creation
fully formed in my head.
215
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:20,005
Every morning, I go to the farmer's market
to get inspired.
216
00:13:20,006 --> 00:13:24,927
Each ingredient becomes a character
in the story of lunch.
217
00:13:24,928 --> 00:13:31,685
Today's story is, I have 14 bucks
and 500 kids to feed.
218
00:13:32,603 --> 00:13:38,025
Salt. Fat. Acid. Heat. No, thanks.
219
00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:40,651
{\an8}I've eaten in restaurants
all over the world,
220
00:13:40,652 --> 00:13:44,363
{\an8}and Lunchlady Dora is doing things
I never thought were possible.
221
00:13:44,364 --> 00:13:45,447
{\an8}Or legal.
222
00:13:45,448 --> 00:13:47,241
{\an8}Someone needs to stop her.
223
00:13:47,242 --> 00:13:48,369
Maybe the government?
224
00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:52,788
When I present my food,
225
00:13:52,789 --> 00:13:54,875
{\an8}I want it to evoke an emotion.
226
00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:57,211
Panic.
227
00:14:12,142 --> 00:14:15,227
If I wasn't a cook,
I'd probably be a painter
228
00:14:15,228 --> 00:14:16,645
or a novelist.
229
00:14:16,646 --> 00:14:20,526
Some other job where I could drink vodka
from a mug and knock off by two.
230
00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:35,249
Narnia.
231
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,584
All hail! Our queen has returned.
232
00:14:38,585 --> 00:14:41,420
Woodland friends, it is good to see you.
233
00:14:41,421 --> 00:14:44,339
How has the kingdom fared in my absence?
234
00:14:44,340 --> 00:14:48,093
The realm is troubled, milady.
And your wisdom is much required.
235
00:14:48,094 --> 00:14:49,720
By royal decree,
236
00:14:49,721 --> 00:14:53,223
we command that the roads
of our kingdom be improved,
237
00:14:53,224 --> 00:14:55,475
so that all may benefit.
238
00:14:55,476 --> 00:14:57,978
Whoa! Who's gonna pay for that?
239
00:14:57,979 --> 00:15:01,648
Oh. Hmm. [gasps] Ooh. What about this?
240
00:15:01,649 --> 00:15:07,323
For every spell cast,
we impose a tariff of one gold piece.
241
00:15:08,782 --> 00:15:12,200
You're aware that
that unfairly targets witches, right?
242
00:15:12,201 --> 00:15:15,454
This is why so many of us
are moving to other kingdoms.
243
00:15:15,455 --> 00:15:17,956
Well, you want better roads, right?
244
00:15:17,957 --> 00:15:22,002
And affordable housing
so you can live closer to work?
245
00:15:22,003 --> 00:15:23,670
Yes. Give it to us now.
246
00:15:23,671 --> 00:15:29,593
So the money for all that
has to come from somewhere.
247
00:15:29,594 --> 00:15:31,428
That's the kingdom's job.
248
00:15:31,429 --> 00:15:34,681
What about a property tax on moats?
249
00:15:34,682 --> 00:15:36,600
Oh, yeah. Soak the rich.
250
00:15:36,601 --> 00:15:38,435
That's your answer to everything.
251
00:15:38,436 --> 00:15:40,604
Calm down, my good people.
252
00:15:40,605 --> 00:15:42,648
You hear that? She called us "people."
253
00:15:42,649 --> 00:15:44,066
That's racist!
254
00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:45,859
Death to the tyrant!
255
00:15:45,860 --> 00:15:47,986
Sorry, people! I mean, subjects.
256
00:15:47,987 --> 00:15:51,073
I mean, citizens?
257
00:15:51,074 --> 00:15:55,621
Ugh! I can't even have fun
in my dreams anymore.
258
00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:04,922
So, hi.
259
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:08,340
This is my first time
on one of these sites.
260
00:16:08,341 --> 00:16:13,971
I'm not really sure how this works,
but it's time to admit that I'm lonely.
261
00:16:13,972 --> 00:16:16,473
Janice passed away six months ago,
262
00:16:16,474 --> 00:16:21,186
and I'm finally ready
to open my heart to a new enemy.
263
00:16:21,187 --> 00:16:24,648
{\an8}We were at war for 50 years.
264
00:16:24,649 --> 00:16:27,401
Oh, God. What a nemesis she was.
265
00:16:27,402 --> 00:16:33,448
The most loathsome, sorry excuse
for a human being you ever met.
266
00:16:33,449 --> 00:16:35,367
May she burn in hell.
267
00:16:35,368 --> 00:16:38,161
I know you're not supposed
to talk about your ex,
268
00:16:38,162 --> 00:16:41,248
but that relationship is a part of me.
269
00:16:41,249 --> 00:16:45,502
{\an8}Anyway. Ever since I spit
on her ugly grave,
270
00:16:45,503 --> 00:16:46,920
I've been alone.
271
00:16:46,921 --> 00:16:50,007
I'm looking for someone
in my rage bracket.
272
00:16:50,008 --> 00:16:51,091
I'm not young.
273
00:16:51,092 --> 00:16:55,512
I don't have time to waste
exchanging passive-aggressive emails
274
00:16:55,513 --> 00:16:58,473
or shooting hostile stares
across the supermarket.
275
00:16:58,474 --> 00:17:00,559
I'm looking for a real commitment.
276
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:03,353
If you think that could be you, reach out.
277
00:17:03,354 --> 00:17:07,735
{\an8}I just wanna make someone miserable
for the rest of their worthless life.
278
00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:16,285
{\an8}♪ Jesus hates your Prius ♪
279
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:20,913
{\an8}♪ The Lord loves his V-8 Ford ♪
280
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:25,917
We interrupt this program
for an emergency broadcast.
281
00:17:25,918 --> 00:17:28,670
A massive tsunami is headed
for Springfield.
282
00:17:28,671 --> 00:17:30,422
You have ten minutes left to live.
283
00:17:30,423 --> 00:17:34,386
So if there's anything you still need
to do on this Earth, now is the time.
284
00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:43,310
{\an8}Howdy, Helen.
285
00:17:43,311 --> 00:17:45,314
{\an8}Thought you didn't see--
286
00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:49,943
Oh, hey there, Mrs. Lovej--
287
00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:58,202
Helen, are you okay?
288
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,550
Did I do something--
289
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,428
I can die now.
290
00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:22,390
We have a clarification
to our previous warning.
291
00:18:22,391 --> 00:18:25,602
A tsunami of savings
is approaching Springfield
292
00:18:25,603 --> 00:18:27,854
at Costington's Red Tag Clearance.
293
00:18:27,855 --> 00:18:30,109
All is well and on sale.
294
00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:32,903
It's a great hobby.
295
00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:37,616
Very, uh, manly. Uh, I don't know.
296
00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:40,869
Thanks. Yeah. I enjoy it.
297
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,586
Oh, Milhouse fell down.
298
00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:53,297
I think he's okay, but it looks like
the poor guy is about to--
299
00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:58,428
Yes. Sweet music to my wallet.
300
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:04,141
Oh, I was so sure it was gonna be Janey.
301
00:19:04,142 --> 00:19:06,393
She's coming off a two-sleepover weekend.
302
00:19:06,394 --> 00:19:11,189
Doesn't betting on bad things happening
to children feel just a bit wrong?
303
00:19:11,190 --> 00:19:13,233
I feel nothing and I'm fine with that.
304
00:19:13,234 --> 00:19:15,735
Someone just fell off the monkey bars.
305
00:19:15,736 --> 00:19:18,738
Willie, we need an ID on the faller.
306
00:19:18,739 --> 00:19:21,032
It's Sherri.
307
00:19:21,033 --> 00:19:23,410
Oh, yes! Yes!
308
00:19:23,411 --> 00:19:26,329
Correction. The faller is Terri.
309
00:19:26,330 --> 00:19:28,331
Repeat. Terri.
310
00:19:28,332 --> 00:19:30,167
Come to Papa.
311
00:19:30,168 --> 00:19:32,919
I... I can't be a part of this.
312
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:36,631
Oi! Shut up,
ya debt-ridden chalk-sniffers!
313
00:19:36,632 --> 00:19:39,384
We have a middle finger on the playground.
314
00:19:39,385 --> 00:19:40,886
Who flipped the bird?
315
00:19:40,887 --> 00:19:42,971
Come on, weird foreign exchange student.
316
00:19:42,972 --> 00:19:45,098
I cannot believe I'm seeing this.
317
00:19:45,099 --> 00:19:48,977
The bird-flipper is Lisa Simpson.
318
00:19:48,978 --> 00:19:52,189
Impossible. What were the odds?
319
00:19:52,190 --> 00:19:53,732
{\an8}500 to one.
320
00:19:53,733 --> 00:19:55,942
I'm so disappointed in you guys.
321
00:19:55,943 --> 00:19:58,153
Or should I say, for you guys.
322
00:19:58,154 --> 00:19:59,489
Yoink.
323
00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:02,949
Nice work.
324
00:20:02,950 --> 00:20:04,703
Pleasure doing business with you.
325
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:45,242
Every story needs a hero,
every hero has a beginning.
326
00:20:45,243 --> 00:20:47,663
Witness the rise of a legend.
327
00:20:49,873 --> 00:20:53,625
{\an8}You know that Jake from State Farm
kinda does it for me?
328
00:20:53,626 --> 00:20:55,295
{\an8}You wanna go upstairs?
329
00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:57,421
{\an8}Yeah. All right.
330
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,081
Shh!
26313
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