All language subtitles for Selfie.S01E12 - Stick in the Mud

The three
biggest geniuses are --

the slut who invented
Hollywood tape...

Hazard reported ahead.

In 800 feet, turn left on...

The psychic bitch
on waze...

And whatever dubious skank
invented caller I.D.

Good morning on this
very good morning, eliza.

Oh. What's so good
about it?

Saperstein is announcing

the company's
sixth annual 10k today.

Ugh. Still not seeing
the good.

I'm told by Henry

that Henry wins this competition
every year.

That Henry wins this competition
every year.

They even put his silhouette
on the poster.

Oh!
Let me tell you somehow, eliza.

All my life,
people have been telling me,

"you're too small, higgs.
You're not fast enough, higgs.

Give up your foolish dreams,
Steve."

Steve? Who's -- who's Steve?
What's happening?

He's reciting a monologue
from "prefontaine,"

a feature film
in which Jared leto plays...

A heavily mustachioed
long-distance runner.

The lead singer
from thirty seconds to Mars

was in a movie?

No, the guy from "prefontaine"
was in thirty seconds to Mars.

Okay, your sister has called
for the umpteenth time.

Okay, your sister has called
for the umpteenth time.

Your sister?

You told me your family
was lost at sea.

Well, somebody must have
tom Hanks'd her ass

back to civilization
and given her this number,

which she can be reached at.

My sister's not lost at sea.

Okay? She's found. On land.

My whole entire family is alive,
unfortunately.

Eliza, you should never
wish your family dead.

Oh, I have.

But only after my brother
stabbed me that one time.

You don't understand.
My sister is a monster.

I argued for the death penalty,

but since he was a minor,
my parents let him walk.

But since he was a minor,
my parents let him walk.

She can't be that bad.

He's grown now, went on to have
six kids of his own,

four of whom are evil.

Bethany tortured me
with her greatness

my whole childhood.

I was like
the redheaded stepchild,

only we both had red hair
and we're related.

There were never
any baby pictures of me around,

but stupid, stupid Bethany had
professional portraits

and brag books
and bronze booties.

And that's why you incessantly
document yourself.

Not as bad as getting shanked
over who gets the bottom bunk.

I could never live up
to my sister's glory.

I could never live up
to my sister's glory.

Straight a's, class president,
never farts,

flawless skin, pretty crier.

Eliza, all siblings
are competitive.

Maybe she's matured.
Huh.

You certainly have.

Remember, sometimes difficult
people surface in our lives

for a reason.
Think of it as a challenge.

You're not the kind of person
who's afraid of a challenge.

Well, I mean,

I was briefly hospitalized
after the cinnamon one, but...

Call your sister.
Stay away from your brother.

Call your sister.

♪ I'm looking at me ♪

♪ hey, look, it's me ♪

♪ hey, look, it's me ♪

♪ not to make it all me ♪

♪ funny thing about me ♪

♪ is while I'm looking at me ♪

♪ I'm hoping to find you ♪

Team,

what do we do when we see
a sick child who needs our help?

We run.

Amen.

For the past five years,
we've run

in the kinderkare
kares for kinders 10k,

raising money to help battle all
types of childhood illness.

Raising money to help battle all
types of childhood illness.

But...Like so many
of those sick kids,

the 10k, over time,

has become a real bummer.

And I think I speak for everyone
when I say...

I'm over it.

What? What'd he do?

So this year,
we're changing it up...

With the kinderkares
kares for kinders

mighty mud run.

♪ Turn down for what ♪

♪ turn down for what ♪

Wow! I rarely get riled up
over slideshows,

but that was electrifying.

Freddy, this is your brainchild.

Would you like to come up here
and join me

for the first annual ripping
of the 10k poster?

I'm sorry. We're gonna rip
the 10k poster every year?

You got that right.

Booyah!

As a 3-year veteran
of the mud run circuit,

I wanna welcome you
to this new and exciting world

I wanna welcome you
to this new and exciting world

that'll find its way
into your heart

and your butt crack.

I hate to partake in the use
of slang contractions,

but would this not be

an "if it ain't broke,
don't fix it" type situation?

Uh, I think it's more of

a "sounds hella cool,
let's do it" type situation.

Huh? Am I right?

But if you don't wanna
brave the course,

there are a number of other ways
you can help out.

Now linda has the, uh, waivers
and the sign-up sheets.

Thank you, all, very much.

Good job.
I am so doing refreshments.

They give you 300 bucks,

and then I just steal food
from the breakroom

and then I just steal food
from the breakroom

and pocket the cash.

She said proudly.

don't judge me, Henry.

It's a victimless crime.

Gimme.

Hey, bad girl.
Hey, Freddy.

You being good

or you being a naughty,
naughty little sex face?

I don't know.
What's wrong?

Freddy! Look, I just thought
we were getting more serious.

And serious couples
are supposed to do more

than just...Dirty talk.

Yeah, I know.

That's why I got us
matinee tickets to "pippin."

What the...

What the...

It's a musical.

Look, is this another one
of Henry's assignments?

Because I don't know how
our relationship is supposed

to survive with Henry always
just sticking his big stu--
b-believe it or not,

Henry does not control
everything I say and do.

Ah, but that's
my sister calling...

And Henry says
I have to take it.

Hello?

Right. Yeah.

Henry!
Aah!

See that? It's my mud run
trainin', son.

Came in quick
with the side lunge.

Came in quick
with the side lunge.

Whoo! How bomb is this race
gonna be, huh?

Quite bomb, I'm certain.

Hope you're not too bummed out
about me bagging your 10k.

Not at all. No.
Good, because I hear
some of the ladies

got their panties in a bunch
over the change of plans.

That's -- that's weird.

What are they gonna do
next year? Throw us in a pit?

Have us claw our way out?

I have no upper body strength.
It's all in my legs.

Sir.
Oh.

In this corner,
the Asian import --

in this corner,
the Asian import --

actually, sir,
I was born in van nuys.

Fast as he is sexy. A study
of superior engineering.

And in...

Actually, Freddy, could you just
move to your left slightly?

Sure.
That's great.

And in this corner,
the adonis

carved out of
Italian-Canadian marble,

not an ounce of wasted mass
on his exquisite frame.

Who will be the Victor?

We may never know,

as Henry has yet to nut up.

Dude, nut up.

I'm sorry, but I was
conditioning my body

for the rigors
of 10 kilometers.

For the rigors
of 10 kilometers.

Oh!
Come on, gramps. Change it up.

"Gramps"?
Yeah. It'll keep you young,
you know?

Shock your system.

He's right.
I surprise my body every day,

which is not easy because
my body knows me so --

boo! Aha!
Whoa!

Push-ups! Ha ha!

My body didn't
see that coming.

Bam! Joke's on you, quads!

Thought you were having a nice
leisurely chat with Henry? Nope.

20 reps, 4 sets. Let's go.

Come on, Henry. Get it!
Come on!

Bonjour, bloodstream!

Let's get you oxygenated,
shall we?

Dude, did you just speak French
to your bloodstream?

Oui.

Oui.

"Oui"? What?

As I prepared
for my sister's arrival,

i was determined to show her

how responsible and successful
I'd become.

Even though we'd barely spoken
since we were teenagers,

i knew everything I needed
to know about Bethany

from her instagram.

With her perfect brunches
and homemade lunches

and her adorable husband Peter

and the handwritten notes
he leaves her

and her identical friends
on a 7-day cleanse

and her certified pre-owned
2013 basic bitch beemer.

Eliza? It's me! Hello?

Eliza? It's me! Hello?

Eliza?

Every time I hear
Bethany's voice...

It's like
I'm 5 years old again.

Hi!

Hello!
Oh!

Oh!

Eliza, look at your place.
It's so you.

What's that supposed to mean?

Uh, nothing?

Have a seat.
Oh, my god. Here.

Let me just move the pay stub
from the bonus check I received

let me just move the pay stub
from the bonus check I received

for being my company's
top performing sales rep

and put it next to
the crystal champagne flutes

I received for
the exact same reason.

Whoa, sounds like someone's
great at their job.

That's amazing, eliza.

It's amazing? You're amazed
that I can do a job?

Not really.
You were doing a great job

of avoiding talking to me
for the past week.

Oh, well, let's just say, um,
I didn't want to.

Eliza, I did not come here
to fight.

I just wanted to connect

and talk about
what's been going on.

Oh, what has been going on?
Well, let me see.

I'm pretty great.
Super-hot boyfriend.

Befriended a working mom.

She's a little bit
of a maxxinista,

she's a little bit
of a maxxinista,

but we make it work --
I'm pregnant!

Eliza, I'm gonna be a mom!

You're gonna be an aunt!

To the baby
that I am the mom of!

Aah!

Sorry. I couldn't keep it in
any longer.

The news, not the baby.

What a surprise.

Bethany didn't come
to catch up with me.

She came to catch me up
on her.

Can we use your champagne flutes
to toast my good news?

The sole purpose of her visit

was to take the spotlight
from me

and shine it
directly upon herself

and her big, stupid uterus.

And her big, stupid uterus.

I think maybe we'll just
rinse these out first.

And if she could make me
feel bad about myself...

While doing it?

Bonus points.

This must be c.G.I.'D.

This is fake!

I'm gonna die out there.

I never should have listened
to you.

W-what are you talking about?

Now my sister is in my house,
pregnant.

She's pregnant?!

You're gonna be an aunt!
Eliza, congratulations!

Yippee!
The greatest thing

that ever happened to me
didn't happen to me.

It happened to her.
What are you talking about?

This whole pregnancy
is Bethany's way

of trying to make me feel like
my own life is insignificant.

Eliza, you don't actually think
that your sister decided

eliza, you don't actually think
that your sister decided

to have a baby
just to spite you?

Well, how else
do you explain the fact

that she is due
on October 18th?

That is the week before
my birthday.

It's like her baby is trying
to bogart October for me.

Eliza, that is insane.
Can't you just be happy for her?

Mm...

No.
No.

Hey, are you stalking Freddy?

don't...Ugh!

I'm not stalking Freddy.
I'm studying him. Sizing him up.

Researching what he does to
prepare for these competitions.

It's no secret that
the two of us are frenemies.

don't ever use that word.

don't ever use that word.

I don't wanna embarrass myself
out there.

Then just ask Freddy for help.
He would love to help you train.

Please. He can't stand me.

Only because he thinks
you can't stand him.

Oh, come on.
That's why he can't stand me?

So if he thought
I could stand him,

then we'd be able to
stand each other?
Maybe.

I've always thought you guys
might like each other

if you didn't hate each other.

And besides, aren't you
the one who told me

"sometimes challenging people
come into our lives

for a reason?"

So I agreed to squash it
with Rosemary's baby mama,

and Henry agreed to squat it
with Freddy.

It's kinda weird, huh?

It's kinda weird, huh?

It's like a whole weird, uh,
role reversal.

In what sense?

Well, I mean, normally,
you're telling eliza what to do,

and now I'm here telling you
what to do. You know?

Right, but in
a true role reversal...

Yeah, whatever, dude.

don't be so literal, okay?

Literal people can suck it.

But not literally.

Okay. Let's start with
a simple salutation

that will open our minds so that
we can challenge our bodies.

Sounds good. Yeah.

Kneel down.

Oh, right here?
In the...Dirt?

Oh, right here?
In the...Dirt?

Now...Repeat after me.

Mm.

"Freddy, help me.
Help me, please.

"Without you, I'm nothing.

I'm down on my knees."

All right, I'm not sure
that's really --

"Freddy, you're strong,

"and I'm so weak.

"My spirit is old,

but yours is at its peak."

All right.

Let's get this over with,
all right?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm just
messing with you, dude.

Look, truth is,
with these races,

you can never really be ready.

Okay? That's the most important
thing for you to understand.

You're not ready.

All you can do is
just show up,

take what the mud run
throws at ya,

take what the mud run
throws at ya,

which is, you know, usually --

mud.
Ah! You see?

Literal.

But not incorrect.

Booyah! Let's get it!

Whoo!

Come on! Whoo!

Yeah! Let's...Get it.

Oh, I think it'll give her life
a whole new purpose.

It has to.

Okay. Hold on.

Dada wants to talk to you!

Dada wants to say hello!

Does your fetus
even have ears yet?

Because I don't think it does.

I should probably hop.
Eliza's getting cranky.

I should probably hop.
Eliza's getting cranky.

No, nothing exciting.

I'm just gonna meet
all the people she works with.

I love you.

I love you more.

Okay, so technically,
this isn't work.

It is a work event,

so I need you to not do
Bethany things.

What are "Bethany things"?

You know, "everyone, look at me.
No one look at eliza."

I don't do that.
See?

There you go again,
making it all about you.

I really don't wanna fight.

I promise I will just
follow your lead today.

Thank you.

Which means I will not
point out that if

you don't change now before
we leave, we're gonna be late.

You don't change now before
we leave, we're gonna be late.

Not according to waze.

It was killing her.

She can never let me have
the last word.

Sometimes waze is wrong.

Get out of my house!

Hey. Eliza. You need any help?
Is this it?

Nope. My sister's
wheeling the keg over now.

The -- the keg?
I went all out.

I got a keg of beer,
a deli ring,

some assorted pastries,
a gallon bag of hot cheetos,

a couple of coffee boxes,
and, like, a --

babe, you -- you can't have
any of that during a race.

It's Miller lite.

It's Miller lite.

Should I send somebody
out on a run?

I'm really concerned
people are gonna be dehydrated.

Hey. Hey! don't get all tense
and uptight on me, okay?

You get uptight, it's gonna seep
into your muscles.

You're gonna cramp up.

Great advice, Freddy.
Henry's always uptight.

Yeah, keep it loose, okay?
Loosen up. Come on.

Let me see you get loose.

Like this?
Perfect. Yeah.

Now repeat after me.

"Freddy, help me, please --"

okay, I am done
repeating after you.

Eliza, do you want me
to set everything up over here,

in the shade?

See? She wants to keep
my refreshments

on the sidelines,
where no one can see them!

I also grabbed
some water and bananas

just in case anyone didn't feel
like day-drinking

just in case anyone didn't feel
like day-drinking

before the big race.

I don't think anybody's gonna
want those. We've got...

Bananas?
Whoo!

So much stuff.

You're gonna kill me
if I grab a banana, huh?

don't even think about it.
Yeah.

You good?
Yeah. I'm good.

Oh.
You?

What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing.

You're so busy
instructing all of us,

I'm afraid you're
neglecting yourself.

For example, is your right knee
bothering you?

'Cause I've noticed

you've been favoring
your left all morning.

Trying to get in my head...
Through my knee?

Me trying
getting in your head?

What was all that stuff
up in the mountain, huh?

Telling me
I'll never be ready,

making me kneel down
and beg you for help?

Making me kneel down
and beg you for help?

I was breaking you down
so I could build you back up.

Okay? It's a very common,
uh...

Raj, come on.
Help me out here.

Please don't rope me
into conflict.
Fine.

You don't want my help?
That's fine.

You just added another obstacle
to your race, buddy.

And that's me.
It's on, bro!

Bro,
don't call me "bro," bro.

I'm not your bro.
I mean, non-bro.

Here in my hand --
the starter's pistol.

But before I fire it,

I'd just like to say...Boo!

Oh! Baby girl,
I would be so honored

if you used charmonique
as a middle name.

Now...I don't know how
the time went by,

but I best be on my way.

I know you can do it!

I can do it!

How?
How what?

How do you know
she can do it?

If you know the first thing
about charmonique,

you know that she probably
can't do it,

and she's going to
hurt herself trying.

I was just trying
to be positive.

No, you were just
trying to help her walk away,

no, you were just
trying to help her walk away,

thinking, "oh, wow,
what a great person,"

but you and I both
know the truth.
What truth?

That you're not
a great person.

Every single thing
you've ever done

is designed
to make me feel like crap.

I mean, isn't that why you
really came here this weekend?

I came here this weekend
to tell you I'm having a baby.

Well...

Congratulations

on making yet another
human being who will think

you're better than me!

Wow, you really stuck it

to that kind and generous
pregnant woman.

To that kind and generous
pregnant woman.

Go.

Oh, yeah!

Damn.

Oh, Freddy, huh? Running behind
that inspirational man-god

makes all the pain go away!

Aah! Uhh!

Aah! Uhh!

Do I get a participant ribbon
for this?

Gone. Is he really that fast?

It ends now!
Whoa!

U!

U!

What is your problem?!

You're my problem!

With -- you're talking down
to me,

you're trying to make me
feel stupid.

Forcing eliza to question
our relaysh --

it's like you live
to undermine me!

Make me feel inferior!
Who's inferior now?!

You tell me!

See, that's the knee
I was worried about.

Aah!

Uhh!

Uhh!
Aah!

And for the record,

you're the one
who's undermining.

You challenge
everything I say!

You challenge
everything I say!

You're constantly making cracks
about my age,

and you often besmirch
my neckties!

Uhh!

Admit it.
You're insanely jealous

of my youth, my girl,
of my kick-ass hair!

Oh, beg pardon. My hair
kicks ass in its own right.

Your hair dreams
about being my hair.

Hair is not sentient,
and thus cannot dream!

Literally!

You know what
I can't dream about?

How many stupid Bow ties
you must own.

What...

Bethany, what are you doing?!

I'm putting your apartment
back to the way it was

before I tidied up
this morning.

Hey! Hey!

No, these go over here.

Someday, when you have
a new life

swelling inside your belly...
Oh, here we go.

You might wanna reach out
to your only sister

so your baby knows
who its family is,

so your baby knows
who its family is,

and when that day comes,
I will be there for you, eliza.

Because you're perfect.

Because I will understand.
What do you understand?

You have no idea what it was
like growing up invisible.

Bethany's first haircut,

Bethany's first tooth,

Bethany's first poo-poo
in the potty.

Nobody gave a crap
when I crapped.

Good lord! Our parents were
going through a divorce, eliza.

Mom was completely overwhelmed
and doing it alone,

so, yeah, you didn't get
the same amount of attention

that I did, and I'm sorry.

It wasn't fair,
but it wasn't my fault,

it wasn't fair,
but it wasn't my fault,

and it wasn't yours, either.

I always felt like
from the moment I was born,

our family fell apart.

Huh. Never really thought
about it that way, but...

I'm serious. I always thought
you blamed me, and...

And that was why
you moved away.

I didn't move away.
I went to college.

Yeah, for four years.

Yes, eliza, that's how long
college takes.

I guess I took everything
too personally.

And that's what kids do.

But we're not kids anymore.

I know.

Maybe Bethany and I were
finally done

beating each other up.

A little bit of rivalry
can be healthy,

and if you don't let it
destroy you...

We tied...

Like in "rocky 1."

Maybe we should
bury the hatchet,

like in "rocky 3."

It can actually bring you
closer.

And tying for second place,

Freddy and Henry,

whose petty rivalry paved
the way for an upset.

Our first-placed winner

is...

Charmonique!
Ha ha!

It just goes to show,

sometimes people
can surprise you.

Sometimes people
can surprise you.

After a lifetime of following
my sister around...

...she was finally
following me back,

and she was right.

We weren't kids anymore.

So it was time to start acting
like an adult.

Mom!

It's eliza.

So...

How are you?

How are you?