All language subtitles for Selfie.S01E11 - Perestroika

♪ 1, 2 ♪

♪ 1, 2 ♪

♪ 1, 2 ♪

Good morning.

♪ 1, 2 ♪
Henry rejected you.

♪ Lost in the cracks
of the landslide ♪

Eliza, it's eliza.
Henry rejected you.

Reminder -- Henry rejected you.

♪ I'm feeling lost,
feeling tongue-tied ♪

♪ and now I'm frozen
in your headlights ♪
Henry had rejected me.

It was true.

And the worst part was,

i still had to see him
every day.

So, I decided to employ the
techniques of corynn mcwatters,

ambassador of bitchface.

Ambassador of bitchface.

As the most popular girl
in 7th grade,

corynn handled anyone
who threatened her status.

So, instead of crying
in the bathroom,

i asked myself,
"what would corynn do?"

Step one, pretend not to see
the individual in question.

Step two, pretend not to hear
the individual in question.

Ooh.

Pardon me.

What was that, Charlie?

That was Henry who --

that was Henry who --

come again, Charlie?

Um, I didn't --
I didn't say anything.

Oh, well. I must
be hearing things, Charlie.

I think she's mad.

You think?!

And if steps one and two
don't work,

screw the junior-high-school
tactics

and "gone girl" his ass.

Oh, he stabbed me!
He stabbed me!

Are you
out of your mind?

That's what
he wants you to think.

Joan, check my diary!

Okay,
how long do you two fools

plan on keeping this up?

Plan on keeping this up?

In the words
of the prepubescent new edition,

cool it now, please!

No matter what went down,

I know the two of you
still care about each other.

After you, eliza.

No, thanks!
I'll walk!

Oh, my god.

She snubbed me!

Did you see that?

She totally snubbed me,
did she not?!

She totally snubbed me,
did she not?!

It was a snub

because according
to corynn mcwatters,

whoever caves first
gets cankles,

and I am not getting cankles
because of Henry.

I'm trying to be
mature about this, you know?

I'm trying to foster
communication.

I'm trying to
make the best

of an admittedly
awkward situation.

Well, from now on, eliza dooley
can clean up her own messes.

Are you aware
that the building manager

was banging on your door
for 45 minutes this morning?

He finally gave up and started
knocking on bryn's door.

It pretty much ruined

her "breakfast at Tiffany's"
themed breakfast.

That she has been planning
for nine years.

Nine.
I did not chignon my hair
for this.

You guys,
this is not fair.

Mr. old man
is always picking on me.

Maybe it's because
you call him Mr. old man.

When it's Mr. oldman.

Or maybe it's because
you're personally responsible

or maybe it's because
you're personally responsible

for all of the building's
plumbing issues.

It wasn't untrue.

When I go out drinking,

i don't just flush money
down the toilet.

These are garbage!

I also flush hosiery.

And cheeseburgers.

Oldman wants an increase
on your security deposit.

Wha...?
Not just for the ongoing
plumbing issues,

but also for what you did
to your walls.

Uh, is that us?!

That was there
when I moved in.

He wants to be reimbursed
for the damages.

And your rent is due.

And that drawing of my bangs
is hurtful.

Whoa!

Whoa, that is a lot
to take in all at once.

Maybe it wouldn't be all at once
if you handled your bidness.

Um...

I handle my bidness.

It's just that Mr. old man
is super uptight.

And the electric company
is super uptight, too.

♪ I'm looking at me ♪

♪ hey, look, it's me ♪

♪ hey, look, it's me ♪

♪ not to make it all me ♪

♪ funny thing about me ♪

♪ is while I'm looking
at me-e-e-e-e ♪

♪ I'm hoping to find you ♪

Baby -- baby headaches, be gone.

Baby headaches, leave.

Baby headaches,
be...Be s...Befell --
sir?

Charlie, knock, please.

Were you raised
in a barn?

Yes.

What?
Yes, I was.

Well, not in a barn,
but near a barn.

Well, not in a barn,
but near a barn.

On a farm.

We grew wheat
and also...Hops.

Just knock.
What do you want?

Uh, saperstein's ready for
your annual performance review.

Yes!

Whoo!
Let's do this.

Good luck, sir.

No luck involved,
Chuck.

I've received the highest
review score five years running,

never less than a 98%.

Just call me
"Henry Potter."

Just call me
"Henry Potter."

Why?

Because I make magic
like a workplace wizard.

Actually,
don't call me "Henry Potter."

Hindsight, I really feel like
I would very much dislike it

if people actually
started calling me that.

89%?

That can't be right.
That's a "b."

That's a --
that's a "b."

What am I, hufflepuff?

don't get hysterical.
It's a high "b."

In some state schools,

that might even be
considered a b-plus.

That might even be
considered a b-plus.

I've never gotten less than
an "a" in my entire life.

Yeah. Yeah.

"A," "b,"

"c," "w"...

..."x."
Sir?

They're just letters,
Henry.

And if I were you,

I'd be more concerned about
the negative peer evaluations

that dragged down your score
in the first place.

Negative
peer evaluati...

Uh, sir, would you mind
if I took this file home

to review the comments?

I'm sure I can learn
a lot from my...Peers.

I'm sure I can learn
a lot from my...Peers.

Charmonique.

It's me, eliza.

I'm wearing
a trucker hat.

I can see that.

Do you have a key
to the executive gym?

I had to vacate my premises
unexpectedly this morning.

Vacate your premises?

Mm-hmm. Listen.

My electric's off
and my rent's due,

along with an unforeseen
security deposit

and a "probably should have
foreseen" plumbing bill.

I know you've been there,
#teamcharmonique.

Oh! don't drag
team charmonique into this.

Team charmonique
pays her bills on time.

Therefore,
team charmonique

therefore,
team charmonique

does not wish to be associated
with some broke-ass --

hey, I'm not broke.
I am not broke.

I just find
certain things stressful,

like, bills,
invoices, payments,

debits, deposits, withdraws,
transfers,

checks, money orders,
money market, savings,

interest, account numbers,
pin numbers, and prime numbers?

Maybe?
What are those, again?

Numbers greater than 1

that are divisible
only by themselves and 1.

#teamcharmonique.

Those are fine, but
the rest of that stuff
freaks me the freak out.

You know what doesn't seem
to freak you the freak out?

Spending money,

'cause those boots
look brand-new.
Oh.

'Cause those boots
look brand-new.
Oh.

They are.

You are not wrong.

I really do
like spending money,

but now my credit cards
are maxed,

I've got not cash,
and, plus...

I'm homeless.

Mm.

You know
whose help you need?

don't say Steve Harvey.
Please, don't say Steve Harvey.

What? Girl, no!

I'm talking about
your boy Henry Potter.

Are people
calling him that now?

Spread like wildfire
this very morning.

See?

I didn't even know that because
Henry's not my boy anymore.

Things got weird
between us,

things got weird
between us,

and so my only recourse is to
ignore him until one of us dies.

Or you could try
being a grown woman.

I am a grown woman!

Then go wash your ass
and talk to Henry.

#hygienefirst,
#teamcharmonique.

Look at this.
"A born leader."

"The consummate
professional."

"Stone-cold stud."

I'm guessing
this one is Larry.

Where is it?
Come on.

Ah! Aha!

Ah! Aha!

I knew it. I knew --

it's not my peers who
brought down my average.

It's my peer.

One anonymous peer,

one bitter, "hell hath no fury
like a woman scorned" peer

who gave me an "f"
and called me a bit of a poop.

Who, I ask,

do you suppose would resort
to something so infantine?

I have no idea.

Well, I do.

This stinks of eliza.

I couldn't go to Henry,

who was convinced
i tanked his peer review,

and I couldn't go home, so,
that left me no other choice

than to check into
a five-star hotel.

Oh. Declined.
Have another?

Okay.

Why don't we try,
uh, $10 on a green visa,

$15 on the blue visa, maybe
5 bucks on the mastercard.

Hold on.

Ma'am,
you didn't mention

that you're
a double dollar rewards member.
I am?

You have more rewards points
than anyone I've ever seen.
I do?

You could book the presidential
suite with all these points.

Then I will.

Then I will.

Look at me, the first
female president-ial suite.

Whoo!
Whoo! Yeah!

Yeah!
Baby! Champagne!

♪ You are so bull-bullshit ♪

♪ we are so wimbledon ♪

♪ martina navratilova ♪

After hard-core stressing out
over money I didn't have,

it was time
to blow off some steam

using money I didn't have.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

♪ Champagne supernova ♪

Shit.

Oh, see? Now, this is
why I don't look at mail.

So much for hotel living.

Much like Lindsay Lohan

when she finally got kicked out
of chateau marmont,

it was time for me to make
a terrible Liz Taylor biopic

or find some other,
less embarrassing way

to raise some cash
for Mr. old man.

For just $75 cash,

this lightly used
sephora gift card can be yours.

That's a $50 gift card.

Yes, but I had to
factor in labor.

It took me an hour to scrape
this off my car's upholstery

it took me an hour to scrape
this off my car's upholstery

thanks to the pumpkin-spice
latte I spilled on the seat.
Ew!

Those have been out of season
for like three months.

How about any of these? Dsw?

Amazon?
Mnh-mnh.

Chili's? Amc theaters?
Mm.

Two pinkberrys away
from getting a free pinkberry...

At participating stores?
No!

Look, if you're trying to get
some action on these cards,

you need to offer
a discount.

I'll give you 30 bucks
for that $50 chili's.

Done.

Yes!

What up, sexies?

Hi.

Hi.

How would you two
sexy sexies

like to buy a talbots gift card
for half its value?

I gave you
that talbots gift card

as a secret Santa gift
last Christmas.

Spoiler alert.
Linda?

Mnh-mnh. No.
No?

Well, then, uh,
d-does anyone want to buy

a hot...New,
still-in-style trucker hat?

No? Fine.

Well, um,
swing by my desk later.

I'm having a bake sale.
Whoa. Bake sale.

I'm having a bake sale.
Whoa. Bake sale.

Bake sale?
Is that a euphemism?

I'm not sure.

Raj, I just
need you to confirm.

It was eliza dooley
who wrote that remark about me,

was it not?

Henry, I'm sorry.
I would like to help you.

But the evaluation
must remain anonymous.

Come on, raj.

It's just you and me here.
You're a smart man.

I know you'll do
the right thing.

Henry, I believe
you're trying to intimidate me.

I would report you
to h.R.

I would report you
to h.R.

But unfortunately,
in this case, that is me.

Raj...

If it was eliza,
you just say it's eliza.

You are very persuasive,

but I cannot break the tenets
of the human-resources oath.

There's
a human-resources oath?

On my honor,
as a human-resources officer,

do I promise to provide
an equal-opportunity workplace,

free of discrimination,
harassment,

and the divulgement

of confidential
personal information.

Of confidential
personal information.

If I should breaketh
such laws,

may my lips
wither and turn to dust.

Well, it sounds like
there's some wiggle room.

Never mind.

'Twasn't her.

What was that?

'Twas not eliza.

Damn it.

Eliza?

Hmm?
What are you doing
in my office?

Are you
wearing pajamas?

Are you
wearing pajamas?

Are you drinking
peaches?

Are you living here now?
No!

I'm not.

These aren't pajamas.
This is lounge wear.

I'm lounging....

...before I head off
to the lounge,

which is a new club/lounge
where everyone, like...

Brings their own
canned goods.

Okay, I live here now.

This bill
is in collections.

Sorry.

It's for $20.

Oh!

I have $20. I have that.
Look, eliza,

the late fees are triple
the original cost of the bill.

You sullied your credit

not because
you didn't have the money --

but because I didn't
open my mail.

Right.

Your grandmother wishes you
a merry Christmas,

with $20 inside.
Hmm.

Too little, too late,
grandma.

Okay.

We're gonna have to set you up
with a proper budget.

Where would you say
the bulk of your income goes?

Just, like...

Just, like...

Uh, zappos,
Amazon, gilt...

All right.
...Net-a-Porter,
stylebop, shopbop...

Eliza.
...Piperlime,
fab.Com, justfab.Com...

Good god.
...Sephora, bluefly,

as well as cupping,
leeching, elbow bleaching,

and that procedure
where little fish eat dead skin

from all over my body.

What am I gonna do
with you?

You're not
mad at me anymore.

I would say I'm --
I'm, um...

I'm disappointed.
Yes,

but in the normal way that
you're always disappointed.

I can tell
you're not mad at me anymore.

I can tell
you're not mad at me anymore.

Oh, I know you didn't
write that review,

and I'm sorry for assuming
it was you because...

...because we, uh...

Because I...

Apology accepted.

Right,
so we will deal with

your building manager and your
lack of electricity tomorrow.

Mm-hmm.
Uh for tonight,
you can stay at my place.

Your place?

I'll s--
be staying at Julia's.

Of course.
That's great.

Of course.
That's great.

I get your place
all to myself.

Which means I can just
walk around naked

and put my butt on every single
piece of furniture you own.

J.K.

I won't put my butt
on all your stuff. don't worry.

That's very kind
of you.

You're a real
class act.

I'm sure you'll be
quite comfortable.

I'm sure you'll
be quite comfortable.

All right.
Thank you very much.

All right.
Thank you very much.

Hi.

Stop snooping
through my things.

Okay. Sorry.

Do you have hidden cameras
in here or something?
Stop waving.

Do you have hidden cameras
in here or something?
Stop waving.

There are no hidden cameras.
I just know you.

Turndown service?

Uh, no, thank you.

Who was that?

That was Julia...

Pretending to be
a hotel maid....

Huh.

...asking if I wanted
turndown service.

Um...

She's into role-playing...

Kind of a super freak.

Anyhoo,
time to start having sex.

Sounds good.

I'll see you
at work tomorrow.

Whoo!

Huh? What?
Are you doing here?

I could ask you
the same thing.

I don't know
why I'm surprised.

I should have known
Henry would move on

to your coltish,
titian-haired delights.

What?
Here.

Please see that he gets
his waterpik.

I wouldn't want Henry's gums
to be any...

...less tight.

- Ahh.
- Whoa!

Ahh.

Wow!
My bills are so beautiful!

It's like an office-supply store
meets a magical rainbow.

Nothing magical here.
It's just office supplies.

But what about this...

Sparkling bag
of treasure?

These are brads.

These are brads.

Now, I've spoken
to Mr. old man,

who incidentally
is 43 years of age,

and he has agreed to
a monthly-installment plan

that is far less than what you
spend on eye-makeup remover.

Also, you spent too much
on eye-makeup remover.

Thank you, Henry.

I guess you really
know what a mess I am now.

Nah, you're just
in your 20s.

It wasn't that long ago

that I was subject
to my own fiscal foibles.
Really?

Let's just say
there's a blockbuster

let's just say
there's a blockbuster

in Ann arbor, Michigan,
that is still wondering

what happened to their
only copy of "scream 2."

Well, uh, thank you.

Thank you.

This means...

A lot.

You're most welcome.

Spread the word around
the office, would you?

I'm not really a bit of a poop,
after all.

"Bit of a poop."
That's what Charlie calls you.

He does?

Well, yeah,
but not a full poop,

just, like,
a bit of a poop.

Just, like,
a bit of a poop.

That piece of shit.

Isn't it pretty?

And Mr. middle-aged man is on
automatic debit thanks to Henry,

so I won't forget to pay
and be homeless again.

Hey, homeless eliza
was hot.

Mm.

Um...

...why didn't you offer
to let me stay with you?

What?

When I was homeless

and staying
at the presidential suite,

and staying
at the presidential suite,

why didn't you offer
for me to come stay with you?

You wanted to
stay with me?

Well, I mean,
it would have been nice

not to use up
all my rewards points.

Hey, I would have been happy
for you to stay with me, okay?

But I guarantee you,
if I offered,

you would have just
freaked out and dumped me.

Anytime I try to
get serious with you,

y-you pull away from me.

I do?

♪ Well, I have been searching
all of my days ♪
you do.

Look,
if it were up to me,

you'd be staying at my place
every night of the week.

♪ All of my days ♪

♪ all of my days ♪

Like...Permanently.

Like "boxing Helena" style?

No.

don't want to
cut off your limbs

and put you in a box
under my bed.

♪ All of my days ♪

I just want to be around you
as much as possible.

♪ Soon I'll smile, I know I'll
feel this loneliness no more ♪

Did I just
scare you off?

♪ All of my days ♪

♪ yes, even breathing ♪

♪ yes, even breathing ♪

#teamfreddy.

♪ Feels all right ♪

Good morning,
Charlie.

Mini marshmallows.
Your favorite, right?

Go ahead. Drink up.

Huh?
Anything else you need?

Would you like
a breakfast pastry?

How about
a back rub?

Sir, I'm sorry
about the "f."

I was having a bad day.
I'm better now.

Can you stop
being so nice to me?

I hate it.

Yeah, I hate it, too.

It's not right.

It's not right.

Clean up these filthy
marshmallows, would you?

I'm not the one
who spilled them.

Charlie, I entreat!

He's back.

So...

What are you and midge
up to this weekend?

Midge?

Your pocket pal.
Your tiny dancer.

Julia.

Oh. Um...

I don't know. We're probably
just gonna play it by ear.

Why don't the two of you
come over to my place?

Oh, no, no.
I think she's on call.
But we could watch a movie

like "the break-up," or
"he's...Just not that into you."

Like "the break-up," or
"he's...Just not that into you."

How did you find out?

I read your journal.

What?! That's a clear violation
of my personal --
j.K., Henry. J.K.

Now I know you journal.

Journal's not a verb.

I don't journal.
I keep a journal.

I'm sorry things
didn't work out with Julia.

Thank you.

Well, I mean, it is
completely understandable.

Let me guess --
more height jokes?

No.

No.

No, I would never
want to belittle Julia.

Because she already
"be little" herself?

Would you say
she has a short temper?

You are 7 years old.
You do know that, don't you?