All language subtitles for Poppas House s01e04 School Days.eng

Okay. Here's my advice
when it comes to marriage:

Never marry someone you love
more than they love you.

That is so cynical.
You were married for 20 years.

It had to have been nice
for some time.

Nice? (scoffs)

The last nice thing
my ex-wife said to me was,

"I do," and then she didn't

for the rest of
the marriage.

Go ahead, give me
your feminist rebuttal.

I don't have one,

P. Bear.

P. Bear? What the hell is that?

It's my new nickname for you.

I don't like it.

It sounds like
I get up five times

in the middle of the night
to use the bathroom.

Go back to "Poppa."

Okay... P. Bear.

See? Now I got to go
use the bathroom.

How about a word
from our sponsors?

Hey, Trey.

Okay, this was a
good conversation,

but we got to figure out

new ways to market our show.

How about T-shirts?

How about you go
back outside and play?

(sniffs) And that smell

better not be
coming off your shoe.

It's not.
Hey!

(laughs)
What was that?

Go wash your hands.

(laughs)
(groans)

He is so cute.

You didn't smell his fingers.

All right, P. Bear, we got to
get back to the marketing.

I got an idea.
Why don't we get

one of those things
at the dealership

that does this?

Guess what!

Hey, Junior.
Hi-vy, Ivy.

(fingers snap)

My feral son Trey,

who is currently peeing
in your petunias,

is a genius.

Yeah, he just took an IQ test,
and apparently he's gifted.

Really? The same boy

that brought all the
bees in my house? Yep.

The one that likes
to sniff the seats? Yep.

The one that like
to take a... Yep.

...in top of the...
Yep.

Upper decker, yep.

But here's the best part.

He got accepted
into Buckingham.

The palace?

No, not the palace.
The school.

It's one of the top schools
in the country.

Congratulations,
Junior.

You know, they don't
just take anybody.

Let me guess.
That's where you went?

It is. (laughs, snorts)

You see,
Buckingham is a place

that teaches kids
really important things

like kindness and compassion,
happiness...

Aw, these private schools
are nothing but

a big money racket.

You got your tuitions
and your uniforms,

the mandatory donations.

By the time
your kid finishes school,

you're broke,
living underneath a bridge.

JUNIOR:
Gosh, Dad. Again with this?

I went
to private school.

Yeah, and I don't
hold that against you, son.

I hold it against your mother.

See, public school teaches
you grit and street smarts.

Getting locked in a locker
for the whole day,

it prepares you
for working a nine-to-five.

I am the man
I am today

courtesy of public school.

And I am the woman I am today
courtesy of private school.

And I rest my case.

And I am having
dinner tomorrow night

to celebrate
Trey's brilliance

and would love
for you to be there.

And I have to go pee right now.
How bad you got to pee?

Are you gonna come?
Are you gonna come? I got to pee, son.

I'll-I'll be there.
I'll be there!

? Poppa's ?

? House ?

? Yeah. ?

Now, I just want to say
how proud we are of Trey

for getting into
such a prestigious school.

Clearly, he gets his brains

from his mother.

Thank you, Daddy.

TREY:
They say you can't

lick your own elbow.

My dad also says
you can't lick your own...

All right.

(giggles)

Anyways... (clears throat)

Where was I?
Yes, our generous...

Look, cut the crap.

You need money for
tuition, right?

"Need" is such
a strong word.

I-I prefer "yearning..."

To answer your question, yes.

We would like for you to help us
pay for Trey's education.

Help? So, that means you
have some of the money?

We've raised almost $5,000,
but that's not enough.

(laughing):
No, not at all.

Not for Buckingham.

Well, why don't you
take out a loan?

Ooh, tried and denied.

Why don't you ask
shortstop over there?

Also tried, also denied.

Hey, I paid for this house.

Helped pay for this hou--

No, no, you paid for it.

Yeah, you paid.
You did that.

Whole house.

Look, I already told you

that I don't like these--

What is--
Who's that for?

What?
What?

Hello.

Grandma!

Grandma!
Mommy!

I thought I smelled
half my money.

Hello, Catherine.

Hello, tightwad.

Hello, Catherine.

Hello, little one.

Are we having your lasagna

again? (laughs)

(quietly):
Little one. You hear that?

Having your mom here
better work.

Look, if anyone can get
money out of my dad,

it's my mom.
Trust me.

I have a plan.

Grandma, do you have
presents for us?

Do you remember the magic words?

BOTH:
We love you more than Poppa!

Ooh! Presents
for the babies.

Now, go open them in a place
where I can't see you.

Catherine, are you
aging backwards?

Oh, Joseph, Joseph.

You always know
what to say.

Unlike some people
sitting here,

right over there.

You look good,
too, Joseph.

Thank you.

You still have some hair.

You sure were the one
that got away.

(sniffs)

Yeah, and I sure wish
you would stay away.

What are you doing here,

wallet whisperer?

You already got half.

I don't want
your money, tightwad.

It's for our grandson.

I told you years ago,

I don't believe in
these kinds of schools.

I thought you'd say that,
but have you told this guy?

(gentle piano music playing)

JUNIOR (over laptop):
There are so many kids

who don't get to go
to private school.

What's two plus two,
little guy?

I can't afford
to know that.

(voice breaking):
He can't afford to know that.

These kids didn't have
the opportunity to learn

because they couldn't
get the money

from their rich grandfather
who claims to love them.

(goofy voice):
Mm! I don't want to be that grandpa.

You sure don't.

And all you have to do
is show up

with $22,740 and 15 cents.

That's it? What a deal.

A deal indeed.

And then your grandchild
can live happily ever after.

What's two plus two, honey?

Money!

Yes, it is.

ALL:
Thank you, Poppa!

(sighs) So...

cash or check?

Tried and denied.

Damon, a word.

(sighs)

What, woman?

"Some hair."

My plan's coming together
like butt cheeks.

How dare you
not even consider...

Don't start with
the "how dare you's."

That's all I ever hear from you.

"How dare you this.
How dare you that."

Like, "How dare you
sleep with that slut?"

She wasn't a slut.

She was a ballet dancer working
her way through law school.

Yeah, like a slut.

She was moonlighting at NASA.

Oh, like a slut on the moon.

Why you always
bring her up?

You're the one
who cheated first.

No, I had a fling.

You fell in love.
I never gave him my heart.

Yeah, but you gave
him everything else,

including what you only gave me
on my birthday.

You know I have bad knees.

Okay, now, look,
do not make this conversation

about you, all right?

This is about what is best
for our grandson.

Catherine, I'm
standing on principle.

The only thing
you are standing on

is that pile of crap that is
coming out of your mouth.

Hey, don't you dare with that...

Don't you "don't you dare" me.
That's my thing.

You know what, Catherine?
What?

You're not winning
this argument.

You know, this is not
about winning anything.

This is about you being selfish.

Now, you don't mind
wasting your money

on your fancy cars.
Collectibles.

Music collection.
Vintage.

Your stupid fancy sneakers.

I have a club foot

and fallen arches.

And you never bring up the
real waste of my money,

which is you
and your alimony payment.

Well, I earned
every single dollar.

Cooking the meals,
raising the kids,

putting up with your tiny head
and your even tinier...

Hey, hey, watch your mouth.

I was gonna say heart,
but if the condom fits, then...

You know the
condom didn't fit.

You'd bring home
those Magnums.

Why? Oh. Oh, real--
It's like a body bag.

Yes.
Oh, so now it's a body bag?

It's that bad?
Yes.

Quiet!

Both of you.

Oh, quite a big bark
coming from such a little pup.

The little jokes are
getting old, just like you.

Ooh.

Thank you.

Junior, are you gonna let her
talk to your mother like that?

Did you hear that? I think
someone's at the door.

I'll get it.

Poppa, before you make
a decision,

please come see
the school tomorrow,

see what your dollar buys.

Just keep an open mind.

Ha! Open mind?

I can be open-minded.

You couldn't be open-minded

if someone
cracked your head open.

And by "someone," I mean me.

Nina, I will be there.

And my mind is open.

However, my wallet
remains closed.

Uh, Dad, you should
take your hat off.

For who?
Is the pope in town?

(school bell rings)
? And here's your gold star ?

? For brightest smile ?

? And here's
your gold star ?

? For one good day
in a row ?

? And here's
your gold star ?

? For last place ?

? Way to never
give up. ?

Look at this.
Everybody here gets a gold star?

JUNIOR:
Isn't it great?

See, this is
what I'm talking about

with these types of schools.

(British accent):
Hello, Fulton family.

Welcome to Buckingham.

It's a pleasure to have you.

(British accent):
Oh, the pleasure is ours,

Your Majesty.

Mwah! (chuckles)

NINA:
I am so sorry.

He does this when he's nervous.
It's a tic.

JUNIOR (normal voice):
Yeah, yeah.

Whenever I hear an accent,
I have to imitate it.

Remember Jamaica?

(Jamaican accent):
Me can't get rid of me accent

for three weeks.

(Jamaican accent):
Or your ganja habit.

(laughs) Lord have mercy.

(chuckles, clears throat)

You must be Trey.

I'm Headmistress Pierce,

but the students call me Susan.

Hey, Susan,
want to see me lick my...

Hey.
No, hey. No.

Why don't you go and explore
our Leadership Lounge,

and I'll talk to your
parents and grandparents?

See, Buckingham is
all about family.

We think of children as
trees that we nurture,

but the family is the roots.

Well, all this talk about trees
makes me want to leaves.

Susan, get it? (chuckles)

(chuckles) I prefer the parents
call me Headmistress.

Oh, my ex-husband
had a head mistress.

Oh, and she was
good at her job.

Are you smelling my hair?

Uh, yes.

(British accent):
Enough with all this tiddlysquat and collywobble.

I would love to have a look-see
at your learnatorium.

Are you mocking me?

Mocking you? No!

God save the Queen, no!

(normal voice):
I can't stop. I'm sorry.

Neither can I. (chuckles)

(British accent):
Dr. Reed?!

What in the Daniel Radcliffe
are you doing here?

Nina invited me.

She wrote such a lovely
recommendation for Trey.

And she insisted on coming.

Oh, so this must be your
little radio girlfriend.

And you must be
the bitter ex-wife.

(chuckles)
Maybe you are funny.

I told you.
(laughs, snorts)

I take it back.

Well, what you probably
don't know

is that I had the privilege

of writing the Buckingham cheer
20 years ago.

20 years ago, my ass.
(laughing)

? Hey, Poppa, yeah,
hey, Poppa, yeah ?

? Introduce yourself, okay ?

? Introduce yourself ?

? Right on,
my name is Poppa, yeah ?

? And I'm a Buckster, yeah ?

? I cheer for Ivy,
all right, all right. ?

Oh.

Ow! I'm stuck.

And here's your gold star...

? For finally making me laugh. ?

(holds note)

What is wrong with you?

This reminds me
of high school.

You know, you-you actually
could still be in high school.

High school, my ass.

Really? (chuckles)

Well, thank you, Joseph Joseph.

You know what?
And you could be the hot jock

(trilling):
in a letterman's jacket.

(trilling):
With the receding hairline.

Hey, I'll take a half a 'fro
over a no-'fro anytime.

And besides, what I have left
is very soft.

I think they make
a blue pill for that.

Perhaps we should spend some
time in the wellness room.

(British accent):
The wellness room?

What in the Meghan Markle
is that?

(normal voice):
I'm sorry. I-I can't stop.

(playing soft melody)

Children today are told

to keep their negative emotions
locked away,

but at Buckingham, we believe
that there's just no such thing

as a negative emotion.

Well, what's this thing
I'm feeling right now?

Cynicism? Inferiority?

(British accent):
I was thinking more of contempt.

Well, perhaps you should
take this class.

See, the children here learn
to turn suppression

into expression,
with aggression.

All right, children.
Time to let it all out.

Three, two, one.

And rage!

(kids screaming)
(Poppa exclaims)

(screaming continues)

(grunting):
You're not the boss of me, Dad!

This is money down the drain.

Dad, wait.

I am not spending
my hard-earned money

on this place.

And there it is.

Just admit it.

The only reason
you don't want Trey to come here

is because of money.

No, because of my money.

See, I don't see you chipping in
to send him

to this obnoxious, gold-star
touchy-feely-obsessed school.

The only joke
I see here is you

and your pompous, ignorant view
of this institution.

Look, lady, let me
tell you something...

No, I will be doing the telling.

I've had to stand here listening

to your disparagingly
snide remarks

about something
I have dedicated my life to.

Yeah, but...
You, sir, are a dinosaur.

And I, for one, will not cry
when you become extinct.

I feel sorry for Trey.

There. I dressed you down.

Hold up.

You bargain basement
Mary Poppins.

Nobody dresses
this man down but me.

Now, sure,
he's pigheaded.

You're damn right he is.

And cheap.
Than a mug.

And always thinks
he's right about everything.

Which he is not.
But...

And here comes my mom's "but."

Junior,
I think I got this.

But you can search
this world over

and you will never find
another man

who is more dedicated
and loving towards his family,

and especially
his grandson.

Now, he may not
be perfect...

...but he's the best man
that I've ever known.

Hey, what about me, Cat?

Uh-- "Cat"? We not like that.

Each to their own, dear.

(sighs)

Wow, you meant that?

Don't you make me regret
saying it.

But yes.

I know you only want
the best for Trey.

I do. I just don't
want him to grow up

to be a soft, spoiled,
entitled mooch.

Like me.

That's what
you're afraid of, right?

I-I can't believe I just
hyped up my mom to defend you.

Junior, listen...
No. No, Dad.

I get it, all right?

I'm a complete disappointment
to you.

Junior.

Not complete.

Go fix it.

Go fix it, and
I'll fix things

(British accent):
with Mary Poppins.

Junior.
You ever heard of knocking?

You ever heard of not slamming
the door in your father's face?

You ever heard
of not being a jerk?

You ever heard of
not calling your father a jerk?

Only when
he's not a jerk!

Which is rare.

Look, Dad, I don't even know
why you're here.

It's obvious that
you're embarrassed by me.

I'm not embarrassed by you, son.

Well, you don't think
I have fire or grit.

You know, and maybe
you're right, you know?

Maybe I'm just a guy with
amazing arms, abs and chest

that likes to play
in the bathtub with toy boats.

But that's who I am, Dad,
all right?

Whether you like it or not.

You play with boats in the bath?

Yeah, it's fun.

Look, Jun--

(sighs)

Look.

Do I wish you were tougher? Yes.

But you know what, son?

In a lot of ways,
I look up to you.

You're smart.

You're kind.

And your relationship
with Nina, I envy.

You are a much better father
and husband than I ever was.

Well, do you ever think

that's because
I went to private school?

And didn't get shoved in
a locker like you every day?

Well...

to be honest, I never got
shoved in the locker.

I did the shoving. (laughs)

But seriously, son,
if-if I hurt your feelings,

I'm sorry.

Wh-What was that?

You said sorry.
Those are kissing words.

I'm trying to apologize...

Synonym.

I don't make the rules.
I just enforce them.

You think I want
to do this? No.

So, listen, you kiss everybody
that says "I'm sorry"?

Mm.

Yes.

Okay, Junior, listen,
this is not about you and me.

This is about Trey and
what's best for him.

And to be honest, I didn't
see anything at Buckingham

to make me change my mind.

Well, maybe this will
change your mind.

Trey, show him.

Check it out.

POPPA:
Whoa! Look at that cool T-shirt.

Where'd you
get that from?

I made it at school.
Try the QR code.

What's that?

Take your phone and point it
at the little box.

I do that every night.
(chuckles)

It's not working.

Is that a phone or a Life Alert?

Whoa, look,
the podcast came up.

This kid is smart.

You-You did this
all at Buckingham?

Duh.

(chuckling)

Wow.

I'm impressed.

Thank you, Poppa.
You're the best grandpa ever.

Aw.
Aw.

You hear that, Damon?
And you see that face?

Now, if that doesn't melt
the ice on your wallet,

then you really are the Grinch.

(grumbles) You always
know what to say.

Trey, I would be

honored to help pay

for your tuition.
JUNIOR: Yes.

Joseph Joseph, now, I know
you're not gonna let Damon

come in and steal
your glory again.

What? Of course not.

I'll split it with you, 50/50.

Mm-mm. Too late
for that, Jack.

Okay, fine.
You don't want my 50%?

I'll go 60.
Ooh.

(auctioneer voice):
I've got 60%. Do we have 75?

Do we have 75?

Seventy-five.
JUNIOR: 75% from Baldy.

We got Tiny, Bald Head with 75,
back in the game.

Do I hear 80?
Do we have 80?

Ninety.

90. Soft-Bottom Baby Shoes
with 90.

Baby Shoes taking baby steps
to 90. Do I hear...

Ninety-five!
JUNIOR: 95!

Ninety-eight!
JUNIOR: 98!

Going once, going twice...

Sold to the sexy man
with two first names.

That would be me. (chuckles)

In your face, Damon.

Nope, in your wallet.
That's right.

In my... In...

Wait a minute.

I've been had.

Oh, Joseph Joseph,
my silly little puppet.

Welcome to my web.

? Hey, Junior? ?

? Yeah? ?

? Hey, Junior?
? Yeah? ?

? Introduce yourself
? Okay ?

? Introduce yourself ?

? My name is Junior
? Yeah ?

? My son is Trey
? Yeah ?

? And he's a Buckster ?

BOTH:
? Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah! ?

(squealing)
(laughing)

You kiss everybody
who says sorry?

(laughing)

(goofy voice):
Mm. That's all?

Oh, well... (grunting)

(laughing)

How's the petting?

(laughs)
Is that good?

No, you're petting him
like a dog.

How many times
do you have to do this?

I think seven more.
(chuckles)

Like 70,000.
Yeah.

Um...
But you guys are crushing it.

Mm-hmm.

Just like a baby's diaper.

Let's get through this
so these kids stop roasting me.

(laughing)

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