Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: And now, DreamWorks' "Kung Fu Panda--

Legends of Awesomeness."

THEME SONG: Hear the legends of the Kung Fu Panda!

Raised in a noodle shop, never seeking glory or fame.

He climbed the mountain top and earned the Dragon Warrior name.

Ooh, ah, ya!

Kung Fu Panda!

Master Shifu saw the warrior blossom

and master the skills of bodacious and awesome.

Kung Fu Panda!

He lives and he trains and he fights with the Furious Five.

Protect the valley something, something,

something, something alive.

Ooh, ah, oh!

Kung Fu Panda-- Legends of Awesomeness.

Sweet.

MONKEY: OK, Po.

The name of the game is Who Hit Me.

All you do is go--

Silence.

My other senses are reaching out,

expanding my mind to anticipate every possible-- ya!

Ugh!

Uh!

Whoa!

Ugh!

Ow.

Maybe we should go over the rules.

Gather around.

Ow.

Ugh!

General Tsin is out at the grain mill

on one of his delusional rampages.

General Tsin?

We got to help him.

Help him?

The man is a menace.

Yeah, one big steaming cup of cray cray.

Maybe, but he's still one of China's most legendary heroes.

He defeated the barbarian horde at He Man Ren.

He rescued the Crimson Princess from her captors

atop Shan Yu mountain.

He destroyed half of Beijing searching for a pair

of comfortable slippers.

Which he then married at a private ceremony

in a ginkgo tree.

Which he then burned to the ground.

So he's a tad eccentric.

Po, the general was a great man, but now he's dangerous.

You need to put your admiration aside and stop his rampage.

--[SIGH] OK, but let's take it easy on him.

The general's getting on in years

and has a frail constitution.

GENERAL TSIN: Hya!

Hya!

[INAUDIBLE] I step over bugs tougher than you on my way

to a fight. -Oh, yeah.

Real frail.

Hya!

Ha! Ha!

Hot pagodas.

Prepare to face the cleansing face cream of justice.

ALL: Ah! ALL: Ah!

Guys, give me a minute.

I can talk him down off the crazy train.

Good luck with that.

Hya!

Ha!

Ha, ha, ha.

PO: General Tsin.

Stop.

Well, I'll be dipped in stuff that you dip stuff in.

Dragon Warrior.

Good to see, boy.

-Ya! -Yeah.

Hey, General. Uh, quick question.

Hya! Ugh!

What the heck are you doing?

No time for chitter chatter.

You gotta help me destroy this reeking

den of agricultural evil.

Oh, sure.

And why?

It's the wiggling skull crack vibratories.

We got to stop them from sucking out

our precious freewill fluids and brain juice, right?

Uh.

Well said.

Lock and load, panda.

He's reloading.

Take him down.

For freedom and brain juice.

General, wait!

Look out!

Guys!

Regrettable, but they were asking for it.

No!

Stand down, panda.

This is exactly what the skull crackers want.

Enough, General.

No one else gets hurt.

Ugh!

Ugh.

Except maybe you.

Ugh. Skull crackers.

Ice cream.

Mother. -Huh.

It looks like his crazy train jumped

the tracks sometimes ago.

Yes, we agree.

His story is far fetched and laughable.

[LAUGHTER]

Ah!

Please accept this gift of rice for saving our mill.

Oh, that's not really necessary.

But you were so brave, and your ears are so soft and inviting.

My ears?

A guy could curl up in one of those wonderful ears and just--

Hong. Desist.

I beg forgiveness, Hong.

Look, it's OK.

Weird, but-- OK.

Thanks, Hong and other Hong.

[GRUNTING]

Do we have to keep him tied up like that?

ALL: Yes.

So you attacked the mill because--

The alien rice weevils.

Or as I call them wiggling skull crack vibratories.

They're fuzzy and come from the moon.

They got 100 tiny legs, and they're all named Hong.

They crawl into folk's ears and redecorate

their brains, turning them into helpless, dancing meat puppets.

Their goal is dominate the planet,

and the only way to stop them is to slap a copper pot

on your head, splash tea in your face,

and sing the water lily song.

(SINGING) I'm a pretty water lily.

Watch me float right on by the old riverboat.

I'm not a rabbit and you're not a goat.

Water lily, water lily grab your coat.

Everybody!

Whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle--

Thank you, General.

I think we understand the situation.

Come with me.

GENERAL TSIN: Po. Look, son.

I-- I know I'm one-- one time short

of a pu pu platter but you-- you have to believe me.

They're real. They're here.

You could be next.

Ha, ha, ha.

[GENERAL TSIN SINGING]

Poor guy.

[SNIFFING]

Um.

This rice Hong gave me smells like old feet.

Wait.

Hong?

[GASP]

Master Shifu!

The general might not be crazy!

I mean, he is, but maybe only 97% crazy.

That's nearly 5% sane.

Wait a second.

That's the gizmo the general used to put his captives

into suspended animation.

And it should work just as well on him.

We don't have a choice.

If he gets loose again no one will be safe.

No. You have to listen.

There were these two weird guys at the mill.

They were both named Hong, and they were

way too interested in my ears. -Ugh.

Two weird guys at the mill interested in my ears.

Give it a rest, dude.

I know it sounds nuts, but shouldn't we

at least check it out?

MASTER SHIFU: Po, enough.

You're wasting our time with this nonsense.

Nonsen-- hang on.

I get you down on the general and all,

but why won't you believe me?

Clearly your idol worship of General Tsin

is clouding your judgement.

This is for the best.

Perhaps one day we could revive him when

we find a cure for his madness.

Until then.

I can't let them do this.

If any part of the general's story is true

I got to find out now.

Uh, hello?

Uh, Hongs?

Panda sneaky styles.

Panda sneaky styles.

Sneaky styles.

Sneaky.

Ah, whatever.

Hmm. Ah!

HONG: Hello, Mr. Panda.

Aah!

What have you done?

I'm so sorry.

It was an accident.

He's OK.

Ah, thank goodness. I--

Don't worry, Hong.

We'll find another nice, warm ear for you to re-infest.

[GASP]

The general was right.

Wiggling skull crack vibratory invasion!

Ah!

Ow!

Ow!

Prepare him for ear-festation.

You wiggly skull cracking-- my friends

will come looking for me.

Your friends will be dealt with shortly thanks to you.

MASTER SHIFU: We're ready.

I'm glad Po will be here to see this.

Ugh. Ugh.

[GASP]

Do not struggle.

It will only make the ear-festation more unpleasant.

You may call me Supervisor Hong.

General Tsin was right.

You Weevil guys do exist.

General Tsin.

Only he was able to uncover out plan

of worldwide Weevil domination.

We live to conquer.

ALL: Conquest.

Conquest.

Conquest.

Conquest. Conqu--

Leave us.

I'd like to be alone with his ears.

The time has come, Dragon Warrior.

Hi-ya!

With your power under my control we will truly be invincible.

Grr.

No, no.

No-- [LAUGHS] That tickles.

No!

No!

Aah!

[HONG LAUGHS]

HONG: Your mind is mine, dragon warrior.

Mind cloudy.

Must fight. Ugh.

Copper wok.

Tea.

General said it's their only weakness.

Aah!

[HONG LAUGHS]

Aah!

HONG: No!

Ugly, nasty copper blocking my mind control powers.

Tea. Aah!

Making everything dim and unpleasant.

Gotta keep fighting and singing.

(SINGING) I'm a pretty water lily--

HONG: Aah!

That melody.

--riding on the old riverboat.

Second verse!

I'm not a rabbit and you're not a goat.

No!

Wrap your-- ugh!

Thanks, General.

You have made a grave mistake, Dragon Warrior.

Those whom we cannot control we destroy--

Got hurry.

There may still be time to save Shifu and the guys

and the general and the world.

Ugh.

Master Shifu. Guys.

You were wrong big time, and I was right bigger time.

This is an insidious plot and I uncovered it.

What plot is that, my good friend.

My good-- ah!

Uh, uh, you know.

The plot thing.

Yes?

The plot to-- to-- to ear infest this panda,

which has been done by me, Hong.

It went really great.

Hail Weevil guys.

Uh, look.

I control the panda's every move.

Ya! All right!

Ow!

Ha, ha, ow!

Hysterical, is it not?

Dance helpless panda.

Dance.

La, la, la.

Dance, dance, dance.

Ta da!

Welcome, brother.

Ah, great to be here.

GENERAL TSIN (SINGING): I'm a pretty water lily.

Watch me float right on by the old riverboat.

Now just the ladies in the house.

I'm not a rabbit and you're not a goat.

Stop that awful screeching.

Who's going to make me, you ear-loving polypod?

-I will. -Po.

Oh, no.

You've been skull cracked.

Yes, and it means your end, old one.

-You got an allergy, boy? -Wink.

Wink, wink.

I'll take it from here.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Seriously, I'll take it from here.

General, you were right about everything.

Don't worry.

Aah!

Take that you skull cracker.

General, wait.

You don't understand.

No, I understand.

You crawled into the dragon warrior's ear

and sucked out his precious freewill fluids.

Just for a second, but then-- ah!

Po was my friend.

He was courageous and only punched me in the face

when he absolutely had to.

And you're going to pay for what you did do

his soft, smooth brain parts.

General, no!

Ah, bean dip.

Good thing that wasn't one of those exploding arrows.

[EXPLOSION]

General, I'm not one of them.

I'm me. Ow!

Two rickshaws leave Beijing at 9 o'clock.

If one's carrying coconuts and the other

one's carrying my aunt Lin, then what's my favourite colour?

Uh, blue? GENERAL TSIN: Wrong.

Uh!

Ah!

Phew!

Do your worst skull cracker.

General.

All I have to say to you is duck.

Hya.

Shifu and the five have been taken over.

Quick, we'll escape through the catacombs.

Po, I was wrong.

It is you.

Can you ever forgive me? -Ah.

How can I stay mad at my favourite

semi-delusional war hero?

Come on.

Those two must be dealt with permanently.

Forget it.

You're both out of your tiny, little minds.

I resent that, sir.

I'm not out of my mind.

Dad, this is a matter of life and death.

The evil moon weevils are here.

They love conquest and soft, warm ears.

Let me put it another way.

(SINGING) I'm a pretty water lily--

Dad, we need all your copper woks.

All my copper woks?

Listen, you stay away from my son

here and stop filling his head with your twisted, crazy person

fantasies. [SIGH]

I understand.

I guess I'll just take my giant sack of gold somewhere else.

Ah, oh.

I'm so happy that you found a positive male role model.

Let's face it.

I've been kind of a bust.

Dad, get the woks.

Right.

I'll have a quick look outside.

Good thinking, soldier.

No sign of any weevil infested-- hey, there.

The whole town's been weevilised.

We're in deep dim sum, General.

The name's Hong.

No!

Oh!

Ah!

Eeh!

Resistance is futile, dragon warrior.

It's time you became one of us.

ALL (CHANTING): One us.

One of us.

One of us.

One of us.

One of us.

One of us.

HONG: One of us.

Ah!

Ah!

You wanna go?

Let's go.

But I'm warning you.

I may go down, but I'm taking a bunch of you with me.

The panda is too dangerous for ear-festation.

He must be immobilised instead.

Let's put him out of commission forever.

Excellent idea.

General Hong, will you do the honours?

It will be my pleasure.

Wah!

Ah! Ugh!

Wah!

Ow! Ah!

Ugh! Ugh!

Waa! Ugh!

Ugh!

Leave my son's brain alone.

It's already over taxed. -Dad!

Wok me!

Fool.

You don't have enough woks for all of us.

I kind of think I do. Wa!

Bring it.

Wa!

Hya!

Ugh!

Hiya!

Ugh!

Stop him.

Stop him!

Ha!

Ya!

Aah!

Whoa!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh.

Ugh.

You did it, son. You did it.

We're free. We're free.

Po.

You saved us.

I'm sorry we didn't believe you.

You can thank me later.

A lot.

Right now it's time to clean out the weevils.

Po?

You may have won this battle, but we

weevils will win the war.

We will fight.

We will conquer.

We will--

That felt good.

I think these guys are ready for a permanent visit

to Chorh-Gom Prison, maybe on a shelf

with tschotchkes or commemorative bamboo wood

burnings.

It's all thanks to you, Po.

You believed in me when everyone else thought

I was loopier than tofu.

You can stay here and rest if you want.

We'd be honoured to have you.

Thanks, but I think getting weevilised

straightened my brain out.

I feel sane for the first time in years.

Heeyah hooey!

See, guys.

It pays to have faith.

The world is saved and the General's not crazy anyway.

Well, I'm off to Korea for a little holiday.

It looks like a beautiful day to fly.

He-ya!

Yip, yip, yip!

[MUSIC PLAYING]