Original subtitles

NARRATOR: And now, DreamWorks' "Kung Fu

Panda: Legends of Awesomeness."

THEME SONG: Hear the legends of the Kung Fu Panda.

Doo doo doo doo pom doo pom doo boom boom.

Raised in a noodle shop never seeking to glory or fame.

He climbed a mountain top and earned the Dragon Warrior name.

Ooh. Ah.

Ya! Kung Fu Panda!

Doo doo doo doo pom doo doo.

Master Shifu saw the warrior blossom

and master the skills of bodacious and awesome.

Kung Fu Panda!

Doo doo doo doo doo.

He lives and he trains and he fights with the Furious Five.

Protect the valley something, something,

something, something alive.

Legends of Awesomeness. Sweet.

Om.

TAOTIE: Open the door.

Uh oh.

Ow!

Lame.

TAOTIE: Bian Zao, open the door this instant.

I know what you're doing in there.

No you don't!

You're trying to master your magical lightening powers.

I am not.

I mean, lightening?

What-- What?

Oh, come on.

I know all about it.

Every time you use it you magnetise all my cogs.

So I magnetised your cogs.

Go away. -No!

Now come gaze in awe at my latest masterwork.

And praise my incredible brilliance.

Like that has ever happened, ever.

Then we can have a nice game of checkers.

Lame.

Behold my latest unstoppable war machine.

It has a mighty mechanical tentacle to slight my foes.

Impalement protuberances to spear

those who stand against me.

Sound amplifying flaps to listen in on my enemies' plans.

Terrifying percussive columns to pummelled my nemeses.

It's an elephant.

Woah.

Funny I never noticed that.

Well, behold my battle elephant of unreckonable malevolence.

And you're going to use it to beat the dragon warrior

and prove that machines are superior to Kung Fu.

Whatever.

This time I'm bringing a scroll to read.

Taotie!

Your clockwork toys are no match for my skills.

Also, this thing is offensive to elephants.

Now, my son, deploy the trunk.

I said now while he's down!

Let me finish this page.

Do it now. Now.

Now. Now.

Now. Now!

Do what I tell you!

Stop it!

You're not the boss of me, OK?

I'm not going to let you tell we what to do anymore.

Yes, you are.

Do you know why?

Because if I don't tell you what to do,

you don't do anything at all.

Look at you.

What have you done in your life?

Nothing.

You're not entitled to an opinion--

not until you actually do something.

I think you were a little hard on him.

I was not.

The boy needs discipline.

He needs guidance.

Look at you.

So smug with your smug little smug face.

What? This-- this is my regular face.

And-- and I'm just saying that--

You know what-- I can even fight

you when you're like this.

But I was about to--

It's not always about you.

I have needs, too.

Hi.

I've never done anything?

I do stuff all the time. All the time.

Like-- like that one time I stood by that plank

for a while.

You there!

Halt now or be frozen.

What?

Give us your money or-- oh!

[WHISTLING]

Oh.

Hey!

You're Taotie's kid aren't you?

Unfortunately.

Is he like the annoying-est dad ever?

Uh, he seems like he'd be lame.

Yes!

Lame is exactly what he is.

I know what you're going through, bro.

My dad is the biggest jerk of ever.

One time he grounded me for calling broccoli a vegetable.

Technically it's a flower.

Gahri!

Oh, you are on my last nerve.

My dad once grounded me for calling

his whirling cream pot of disproportionate agony

a big bag of bogus.

Dude, dads, huh?

Huh.

So, um, where did you get the uncanny lightning powers?

Stole 'em.

Oh my gosh, I love stealing.

Remember when my dad was auctioning

off those mystic secrets?

He had this machine that--

Oh, right you guys swiped them out of that Yao guy's head.

Uh, I was gonna tell the whole story.

Don't got to.

I was there.

Remember the whole thing.

Ah!

You and me should be buddies, guy.

Oh!

Tomorrow's my birthday.

You gotta come to my party.

It's gonna be so rad.

OK, buddy, guy.

Oh, wait.

Um.

We better clear it with my boss first.

He's way cool, though.

And you'll totally dig him.

Bian Zao.

You and I are going to do great things together.

We are?

Oh, most definitely.

With your power and your spunk, you're just who

I need to be my number one guy.

But I though I was your-- that's cool.

He's, um, number one!

Woo!

That sounds great.

Anything that doesn't involve my lame dad.

I, too, dislike things that are lame.

Wow!

We've got so much in common, it's scary.

Say, do you know what would be fun?

Using my lightning powers to steal stuff?

You read my mind homey, boy.

Do you have those little ginger cakes I like?

Ginger fennel?

Ginger mint? -I don't know.

The ones I like.

All right, everybody, give us your money

and no one gets hurt.

Gahri!

No one else gets hurt.

Ginger cakes.

Hey!

It's a good thing I never leave home without protection.

Flying fists of flagrant fury!

-Stop! -What?

Never done anything, huh?

Well, here's something.

See you at dinner, old man.

Until then, I'll be hanging out with my new buddy, Tong Fo.

And me.

I'm his buddy, too.

We have matching buddy hats.

Come on, it's my birthday.

Looks like your boy has fallen in with a bad crowd.

This is all just so sad.

[KNOCKING]

Taotie!

Relax, legs.

I just want to talk to Po.

But the battle machine. What?

I should walk up all those stairs?

Come on.

I have to see Po.

Magic lightning powers?

Not important.

The point is Bian Zao is spending time

with the croc bandits and Tong Fo.

He won't listen to me anymore.

Maybe he'll listen to you.

-I don't know. -Please.

I know we've had our disagreements.

You've tried to off me 16 times!

Because we disagreed.

But this is my son and Tong Fo is, well--

He's a bad dude.

I don't want my boy to turn into a common thug, Po.

A scheming evil genius, sure.

But this?

You've got to help me.

I don't know where else to turn.

There you are.

Your father and I have been worried sick about you.

Po, what are you doing here?

I want you to know that, no matter what,

we care very much about you.

Just tell me him he can't hang out with Tong Fo anymore.

That's what this is about?

You're here to tell me what to do?

No, no, no.

We just want to make suggestions--

mandatory suggestions.

I don't need this.

You listen to me, young man.

Tong Fo is not your friend.

At least he doesn't boss me around.

Don't you walk out.

Don't you walk out that door, young man.

I'm your father.

I own you!

You own him?

I mean, it's like my dad thinks I'm

just another one of his tools that he

can just use like a tool.

Yeah, it's just so lame.

It's worse than lame.

Ugh.

I just wish I could like show him he can't control me.

You have been wronged, chum.

Terribly wronged.

How fortunate that I am here to help.

For I have in mind a way to prove

to your father once and for all that you are no one's tool.

Why are you whispering?

Are you planning me a birthday surprise?

Yes, these will do.

For me?

Oh my gosh, you guys.

This is such a surprise. Wait.

No. This is just Taotie's junk.

There's no birthday surprise, you imbecile.

Sure, there isn't.

Don't worry, boss.

I promise I'll be really surprised.

Like--

Hey, do we need to crank these things up or something?

Not anymore.

Buddy, we're going to make your point very forcefully.

We've got to get him away from Tong Fo.

And yelling isn't going to do it.

What should I say?

Pretty please, don't ruin your life?

He wouldn't be acting out if you didn't let

him stay up until all hours.

Hey, I'm the one who is there day in and day out.

You only see him when you feel like it.

Enough!

Taotie, first, you need to stop talking.

Second-- actually there is no second.

Just stop talking.

You want to tell Bian Zao how to live his life and you can't.

You have to let him find his own way.

And Po, you-- wait, why are you even involved in this?

More importantly, why am I even involved in this?

So you're saying, just let Bian Zao hang out

with Tong Fo and his hoodlums?

-For the time being, yes. -No way.

-Not going to happen. -Not a chance.

What else you got?

You asked my advice, I gave it.

Bian Zao is like this dough.

If you handle it gently, all is well.

But if you put too much pressure on it,

you won't like what happens.

Oh, man.

This was going to be lunch.

We've got a problem.

-I know-- my son! -Exactly.

[SCREAMS]

CROWD: Not again!

[SCREAMS]

Wait, a surprise party at the Jade Palace?

It's going to be a surprise, all right-- for my dad and Po.

They're going to see.

They're going to see that no one is Bian Zao's boss!

Clearly, he takes after your side of the family.

Bian Zao I forbid you to hang out with these lowlifes.

Don't tell me what I--

He doesn't take orders from you or anyone else.

Now, take him out!

-Forbid this. -Now!

How are we supposed to fight these things

if we can't touch them?

Use a weapon.

Don't use a weapon.

Happy birthday to me.

Bian Zao!

I know you didn't want your dad bossing you around,

but isn't that better than Tong Fo bossing you around?

I am not.

-You are, too. -Am not.

Are, too.

-Am not! -You are, too.

-Am not. -Yes, you are!

--[INAUDIBLE] You know, it wounds me that you would suggest this.

Bian Zao knows that I'm his friend, not his boss.

Isn't that correct, buddy?

I don't know.

Maybe Po is right.

No, he's not!

He's wrong!

Now, take him out.

Do you hear me?

You take orders from me.

I own you.

Don't need that guy, anyway.

Hey, crocs, you work for me now.

Um. Sure thing.

Sounds good!

Now I have my father's machines, an army of crocs,

and mystical lightning powers.

If I can't wipe out the Jade Palace with all of this,

I'm just not trying.

Son!

The water.

Bian Zao, you can't do this.

Ah!

Don't tell me what I can't do.

Oh, so much hurt.

Son, you have to give up this nonsense.

Nonsense?

I learned it by watching you, dad.

My pretty machines are superior to Kung Fu.

Look!

I'm doing exactly what you've been trying to do for years.

Why would you have a problem with that?

Because you're doing it without me.

Look, I don't care about Tong Fo.

The truth is, I miss you.

I don't feel like doing anything.

I don't even want to fight Po.

It's just no fun without you.

I miss you too, dad.

Without you around, I don't know who to call lame.

Woo!

Check out the birthday boy!

Although there are some excellent candidates.

Son, if I promise not to try to control you,

do you think maybe you and I could

beat Po senseless together?

Sure thing, dad.

It's just so great to see the two of you reunited.

[CRYING]

Let's get him!

And now not so great.

Sorry, bud.

Commandeering the vehicle!

You know, this has been a really emotional day.

So maybe we should just all chill out a little

before we do anything we might regret.

Look at him jump.

Water!

I'm real happy that you guys have worked things out.

It just makes it harder to do this!

-To do what? -Give it a minute.

Seriously what?

It just-- I mean, I didn't time that very well.

Oh, dang.

Lame.

Let's take him out, dad.

You said it, son!

Oh.

Well guys, I just thought of another father-son activity

for you two.

Ow.

I believe he was going to say-- prison.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Well at least I'll get a little time to myself in here.

Bian Zao!

Hey!

It's Gahri's birthday!

Bian Zao, you and I got something to discuss, chum.

You lay one finger on my son and I will devote my life

to making you regret it. Understood?

Understood.

Thanks, dad.

You're welcome, son.

Now, how about a nice game of checkers?

Lame.

Yes it is, son.

Yes it is.