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1
00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:07,298
"What are some of your
greatest contributions to the CIA?"
2
00:00:07,299 --> 00:00:08,425
Pass.
3
00:00:08,426 --> 00:00:10,260
- "Long-term goals?"
- Pass.
4
00:00:10,261 --> 00:00:12,095
- "Biggest strengths."
- Pass.
5
00:00:12,096 --> 00:00:14,848
- "Greatest weakness."
- Oh, man. Where to begin?
6
00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:18,101
I don't know how to
turn on my computer, for one. Actually, pass.
7
00:00:18,102 --> 00:00:21,688
I don't think you're gonna
be able to pass on every single question.
8
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:24,274
Well, how many passes
do you get in a performance review?
9
00:00:24,275 --> 00:00:27,444
I don't know.
I want to say, like, 12.
10
00:00:27,445 --> 00:00:28,529
[clattering]
11
00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:34,451
Explain me this.
12
00:00:34,452 --> 00:00:37,454
How is it that I absolutely
plaster this town with flyers,
13
00:00:37,455 --> 00:00:39,956
but still not a single person
shows up to see
14
00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:44,127
my Cherry Poppin' Daddies
tribute band, The Hymen Bustin' Fathers?
15
00:00:44,128 --> 00:00:47,464
Roger, please.
I'm practicing for my performance review at work,
16
00:00:47,465 --> 00:00:49,799
- and I really need to...
- [crunching]
17
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,343
Why do you need to practice
for a performance review?
18
00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:53,803
I'm not great off the cuff.
19
00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:56,139
I get all nervous and go blank
when I'm not prepared.
20
00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:57,891
Not me. I'm good on my feet.
21
00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,726
[both] And even better
on my knees.
22
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,978
I am so sick of that joke.
23
00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:03,688
Anyway, say no more, Stan.
24
00:01:03,689 --> 00:01:07,025
Really, say no more,
because all he ever does is complain.
25
00:01:07,026 --> 00:01:08,151
Don't involve me in this.
26
00:01:08,152 --> 00:01:10,320
- Okay, let's--
- Can't chat now anyway.
27
00:01:10,321 --> 00:01:14,657
Got to work on my tap-dancing
for my big community theater audition.
28
00:01:14,658 --> 00:01:16,367
Please,
if I could have some quiet...
29
00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:18,244
I got these fat little
kangaroo legs.
30
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,163
Not ideal for funk tap.
31
00:01:20,164 --> 00:01:23,500
I'm all knee.
Not like you, Stan. You've got dancer's legs.
32
00:01:23,501 --> 00:01:26,836
- Big muscular tree trunks.
Mighty oaks. - Shut up!
33
00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:28,838
Why do you always
have to be such a nuisance?
34
00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:31,174
You're not exactly
perfect yourself, Stan.
35
00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:34,010
You put my zoot suit
in the dryer, shrunk the hell out of it.
36
00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:36,054
- I look ridiculous.
- That's my zoot suit.
37
00:01:36,055 --> 00:01:38,181
Well, it fits me better.
38
00:01:38,182 --> 00:01:41,893
Ugh. Come on, Francine.
Let's go somewhere Roger can't bother us.
39
00:01:41,894 --> 00:01:45,605
Why didn't you come see
my Cherry Poppin' Daddies tribute band,
40
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:48,525
- The Hymen Bustin' Fathers?
- Please stop saying that.
41
00:01:48,526 --> 00:01:50,610
[? theme song playing]
42
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,028
[tapping]
43
00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:53,905
What's that sound?
44
00:01:53,906 --> 00:01:57,701
Check it out, Rogu.
I think these shoes are even louder than my old ones.
45
00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,119
[? upbeat music playing]
46
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:04,207
[slurping] Mmm, mmm, mmm.
47
00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,876
{\an8}I'm good on my feet,
but even better on my knees.
48
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:08,086
[laughing]
49
00:02:08,087 --> 00:02:09,171
[crunching]
50
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,093
[muffled yelling]
51
00:02:15,094 --> 00:02:17,971
He's so annoying
and he's always around.
52
00:02:17,972 --> 00:02:19,682
- It's like...
- Hold that thought.
53
00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:24,727
{\an8}? Good morning, USA ?
54
00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:26,062
{\an8}Okay, you were saying?
55
00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:27,772
{\an8}It's like I can't even
remember anymore
56
00:02:27,773 --> 00:02:29,732
{\an8}why we ever became friends
in the first place.
57
00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:35,071
{\an8}Well, when you first met
all those years ago at Area 51, he saved...
58
00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:36,906
{\an8}No, no need for that.
59
00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:38,908
{\an8}He saved my life at Area 51,
60
00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:41,828
{\an8}so we escaped together
in a laundry truck, drove back to Virginia
61
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:44,581
{\an8}in a stolen PT Cruiser,
and I let him live with us.
62
00:02:44,582 --> 00:02:47,417
{\an8}Eventually repaid
my life debt by saving his.
63
00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:49,460
{\an8}Yada, yada, yada.
Because we were really friends.
64
00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:52,589
{\an8}But why, Franny, my baby?
Why are we friends?
65
00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:55,425
{\an8}That's what I just
can't remember after all these years together.
66
00:02:55,426 --> 00:02:57,677
{\an8}Everything he does
gets on my nerves these days.
67
00:02:57,678 --> 00:03:00,972
{\an8}The way he eats,
the way he walks. Scratch that. Waddles.
68
00:03:00,973 --> 00:03:02,807
{\an8}Oh, my God, that voice.
69
00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:05,351
{\an8}Wow. This is
devastating stuff.
70
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:08,813
{\an8}He's rude, he's selfish,
he's clumsy and he's always snooping.
71
00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:10,440
{\an8}Okay. Those last two
are not--
72
00:03:10,441 --> 00:03:11,692
{\an8}[screams]
73
00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:15,278
{\an8}[groans]
74
00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:17,530
{\an8}You can't remember
why we're friends anymore?
75
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:20,116
{\an8}- Well, same here.
- Are we even friends?
76
00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:21,784
{\an8}Friends do things
for each other.
77
00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:23,828
{\an8}What do you ever do for me
besides annoy me?
78
00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:25,371
{\an8}What do you ever do for me?
79
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,625
{\an8}Maybe what you two need
is some time alone together
80
00:03:28,626 --> 00:03:31,044
{\an8}to rediscover
why you're friends.
81
00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:33,171
{\an8}A desert island situation.
82
00:03:33,172 --> 00:03:36,466
{\an8}Please don't take offense
at this, but, Francine, you absolute fool.
83
00:03:36,467 --> 00:03:38,051
{\an8}More time together?
84
00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:40,637
{\an8}What I need is to get him
as far away from me as possible.
85
00:03:40,638 --> 00:03:43,348
{\an8}Well, for once, I actually
agree with this piece of shit.
86
00:03:43,349 --> 00:03:44,974
{\an8}You're the piece of shit.
87
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:47,143
{\an8}So, how about I go ahead
and check myself into a hotel, then?
88
00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:50,355
{\an8}- Perfect. I'll even
drive you there. - Well, thank you so very much.
89
00:03:50,356 --> 00:03:52,315
{\an8}We should swing by
Arby's on the way.
90
00:03:52,316 --> 00:03:55,319
{\an8}Great idea.
I think it's five for five Beef 'n Cheddars.
91
00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:58,572
{\an8}I feel like I should
do something funny.
92
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:00,990
{\an8}[squeaking softly]
93
00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,076
Is this it?
94
00:04:05,788 --> 00:04:07,246
[sighs]
95
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:11,000
Maybe all I really can do
is just give it some time.
96
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:13,002
Hey, thanks for
listening, Klaus.
97
00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:18,049
{\an8}Steve, are you talking
to the paper-mache sculpture of me
98
00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:21,177
{\an8}Jurgen made for his
court-mandated art therapy class?
99
00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:22,262
Sculpture?
100
00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:24,555
Wow.
101
00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,432
I guess I was just
so preoccupied with...
102
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:27,892
{\an8}Oh, something weighing on you?
103
00:04:27,893 --> 00:04:30,728
{\an8}You know I'm this family's
sounding board.
104
00:04:30,729 --> 00:04:34,607
{\an8}- Lay it on me, bro.
- Well, I could use a sympathetic ear.
105
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,025
So, there's this girl.
106
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:38,027
Oh...
107
00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:39,989
Nice. Pound it.
108
00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:44,784
And I'm confused
about where we...
109
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,411
{\an8}- What's her name?
- Kelsey.
110
00:04:46,412 --> 00:04:48,037
{\an8}Oh...
111
00:04:48,038 --> 00:04:50,540
{\an8}- Does she have big ones?
- You know, maybe I should talk to...
112
00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:53,209
{\an8}So here's what we do.
Fake mugging.
113
00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:55,545
Then you swoop in
and be the hero.
114
00:04:55,546 --> 00:04:57,880
Worked like a charm
for my boy Squirts.
115
00:04:57,881 --> 00:04:59,799
I mean, he actually
went to jail for a while,
116
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,927
but there's all these
crazy chicks who write to inmates and stuff.
117
00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:04,637
Crazy hot chicks.
118
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:07,391
I'll reach out to Squirts
and see if he has any pointers.
119
00:05:10,853 --> 00:05:13,479
God, you drive so bad.
You drive so stupid.
120
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,398
I cannot wait
to be rid of you.
121
00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:17,400
Everything about you,
just yuck.
122
00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:19,152
All your stupid
little characters.
123
00:05:19,153 --> 00:05:21,779
"Francine, I realize now
I was wrong."
124
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:24,741
Stupido McDumbass,
Douche Inspector.
125
00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:26,409
That's actually not a bad
character idea.
126
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,244
Ugh. You're the
absolute worst.
127
00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:31,247
You are so loathsome.
How I loathe you.
128
00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:32,582
I despise you.
129
00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:35,084
Your name should be
Lindsay Loathe-han.
130
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:38,629
If you were a movie,
your name should be Despise Like Us.
131
00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:40,339
That is so dumb,
132
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:43,259
which is why it just makes
so much sense that you would say it.
133
00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:44,969
- [groans]
- [? rock music playing on radio]
134
00:05:44,970 --> 00:05:47,346
{\an8}- Oh, sweet.
- Ugh. I'm so sick of this song.
135
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:51,517
{\an8}"Two Princes"
by the Spin Doctors? You have the worst taste.
136
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,853
{\an8}- [song switches]
- "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" by the Spin Doctors.
137
00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:56,814
- Now that's music.
- My car, my song.
138
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:59,401
[song switching back
and forth on radio]
139
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:07,283
? Princes who adore you... ?
140
00:06:07,284 --> 00:06:08,826
? Little Miss,
Little Miss... ?
141
00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:10,453
Aargh! I can't stand you!
142
00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:11,788
[horn honking]
143
00:06:11,789 --> 00:06:13,248
[tires squealing]
144
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,969
Wow. Not a scratch on us.
145
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:29,223
[train horn blaring]
146
00:06:29,765 --> 00:06:31,058
[groaning]
147
00:06:32,768 --> 00:06:36,229
[Stan weakly] Is Roger okay?
148
00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:38,397
- Kind of.
- [Stan] Shit.
149
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:42,193
Those asshats
at the regular hospital pronounced you both dead,
150
00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:43,653
so I brought you here.
151
00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:46,197
Now, I did have to employ
152
00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:49,158
some unorthodox measures,
153
00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:52,328
but it was the only way
I could save you.
154
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:53,955
[Stan] Mirror.
155
00:06:53,956 --> 00:06:56,874
Just know that it may
take some time for you to adjust to.
156
00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:57,960
[Stan] Mirror.
157
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:04,006
Oh, I look fine.
And you gave me a haircut.
158
00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:05,926
- Nice.
- [Roger] Down here, Stan.
159
00:07:07,261 --> 00:07:11,431
[all screaming]
160
00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:15,268
[? theme song playing]
161
00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:17,603
- ? Good morning, USA ?
- [screams]
162
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:20,523
Oh, God. Aah!
I thought it was all just a nightmare.
163
00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:21,858
[breathing heavily]
164
00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:22,943
No.
165
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:25,278
{\an8}- [spits]
- Aah!
166
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,780
{\an8}Watch it. You splashed me,
you brute.
167
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,907
{\an8}Hey, can't quite reach
my Acqua Di Gio.
168
00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:31,200
{\an8}You already put some on.
169
00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:32,828
{\an8}Yeah, but I like to use a lot.
170
00:07:33,829 --> 00:07:35,204
I'm happy right here.
171
00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:36,707
[straining]
172
00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:40,294
[groans]
173
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,045
No bacon. I'm a pescatarian.
174
00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:46,299
Plus, I just can't have you
putting that kind of garbage in our body, Stan.
175
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,384
Oh, my God.
I can't live like...
176
00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,886
[belches]
177
00:07:49,887 --> 00:07:51,637
What the hell are you doing?
178
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:54,390
You think this is a
walk in the park for me? I'm taking the edge off.
179
00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:55,474
[hiccups] Damn it, Roger.
180
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,268
I've got my
performance review today.
181
00:07:57,269 --> 00:07:59,645
- I can't show up
to work drunk. - Whatever.
182
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,398
- That's it.
I'm cutting you out. - Stan, stop.
183
00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:05,735
Listen. Maybe this is
just what you two need.
184
00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:07,987
Your desert island situation.
185
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:11,657
A chance to rediscover
why you're friends.
186
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:14,577
I guess maybe I could feed you
some good answers
187
00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,495
at your performance review.
188
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:19,832
And then we could use
those big, burly legs of yours to nail my audition.
189
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:23,586
I suppose we have, at times,
made a pretty good team in the past.
190
00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:26,172
Maybe this could all be
for the best?
191
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,757
Best friends?
192
00:08:27,758 --> 00:08:30,301
- The best of friends?
- The very best.
193
00:08:30,302 --> 00:08:31,844
- Are we doing this?
- I think so.
194
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:34,513
- Are we [bleep] doing this?
- Hell, yeah, we're doing this.
195
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,182
[both] Oi, oi, oi, oi!
196
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,600
Whoo!
197
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:40,436
Hey, look what I can do.
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
198
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:41,938
[laughs]
199
00:08:41,939 --> 00:08:43,023
Stop.
200
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,692
Okay, Steve,
small kink in your plan
201
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:49,946
to have my boy Squirts
help you get that girl with the big ones.
202
00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:52,782
He apparently died
seven years ago.
203
00:08:52,783 --> 00:08:55,368
{\an8}- What do you have
behind your back? - Nothing.
204
00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:59,372
Telescoping-driving-cane-
with-articulating- grabber-attachment.
205
00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:01,791
Whoa! Were you talking
to that thing?
206
00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:06,671
I'm sorry, but honestly,
it's kind of a better listener than you.
207
00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:08,339
[gasps]
208
00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:12,635
You just always butt in
or miss the point or make that sound.
209
00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:15,972
- What sound?
- If anyone even mentions a woman...
210
00:09:15,973 --> 00:09:17,807
Oh...
211
00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:20,559
{\an8}- Hey, Steve, you done
with Good Klaus? - Good Klaus?
212
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,229
{\an8}Ooh, it's Bad Klaus.
213
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:24,897
{\an8}Well, cat's out of the bag,
I guess.
214
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:27,149
{\an8}I... What?
You talk to it too?
215
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:29,485
Yeah, and I really need
to vent right now.
216
00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:31,821
Jeff's home sick today,
and he's driving me crazy.
217
00:09:31,822 --> 00:09:33,322
Home sick from what?
218
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,366
You know,
following that turtle around the neighborhood.
219
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:37,159
I got dibs after Hayley.
220
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:41,163
And, guys, please don't leave
Good Klaus just lying around.
221
00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:44,333
I found Rogu being
inappropriate with it.
222
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:47,545
And we don't want it
to end up like that old teddy bear of his.
223
00:09:47,546 --> 00:09:50,172
He literally tore that thing
a new A-hole.
224
00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,091
Okay. I'll put him
in his room when I'm done.
225
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,592
His room?
226
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,053
Yeah, we kinda gave him
the spare guest room.
227
00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:58,264
Shares a Jack-and-Jill bath
with Dad's office.
228
00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:01,100
{\an8}What? There's a...
Okay, never mind that.
229
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:04,562
{\an8}Just talk to me, though,
not that thing.
230
00:10:04,563 --> 00:10:06,522
{\an8}I'm this family's
sounding board.
231
00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:09,026
Talk to me!
232
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,320
Now, where were we?
233
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,700
- How you feeling, bud?
- Feeling good.
234
00:10:17,701 --> 00:10:19,368
Feeling good 'cause
you're here, buddy.
235
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:22,204
{\an8}I got you, pal.
I know how to chop it up with Bullock.
236
00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:25,416
- [Bullock] Smith.
- [both] Go time.
237
00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:28,085
My records indicate
that you missed
238
00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:31,047
112 days of work last year.
239
00:10:31,048 --> 00:10:33,924
- Where were you all that time?
- [Roger] Mostly with your mom.
240
00:10:33,925 --> 00:10:35,760
Mostly with your mom. What?
241
00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:38,721
- What?
- Your mambo teacher.
242
00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:40,931
Mostly with your
mambo teacher.
243
00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:45,978
My mambo teacher is a saint.
How dare you?
244
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:50,066
[sighs] Now,
what do you consider your biggest strength?
245
00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:53,069
[Roger] Say,
"I'm good on my feet, but even better on my knees."
246
00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:54,403
What? No.
247
00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:55,821
- [Roger] Say it.
He'll think it's funny. - No.
248
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,783
- No what?
- No one's better than me at--
249
00:10:58,784 --> 00:11:00,076
[apple crunching]
250
00:11:00,077 --> 00:11:01,994
Excuse me.
251
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,747
{\an8}- Be quiet in there.
- Why are you ignoring my suggestions?
252
00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:06,457
Because your suggestions suck.
253
00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:09,251
- [Roger] You suck.
- I what?
254
00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:12,588
Nothing. How about I tell you
some of my greatest weaknesses?
255
00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:14,257
[Roger belches]
256
00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:17,760
A little liquid lunch.
257
00:11:17,761 --> 00:11:20,429
Just like
in the old days, huh?
258
00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:23,140
Are you offering me a beer?
259
00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:24,433
- Yes.
- [Roger] No.
260
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,602
One moment, please.
261
00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,356
[Stan and Roger whispering]
262
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,193
You can have a pumpkin ale.
263
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:37,947
Get the hell out of my office,
you bastard!
264
00:11:37,948 --> 00:11:40,366
- You totally
screwed me in there. - Oh, relax.
265
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,660
I'll help you
smooth things over after my audition.
266
00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:45,329
I'm not leaving work now
to go to your stupid audition.
267
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:46,539
But you promised.
268
00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:48,624
What are you gonna do
about it, belly boy?
269
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,085
[yelling]
270
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:52,879
{\an8}Uh-oh.
271
00:11:56,466 --> 00:12:00,970
Well, would you look at this?
I can control Stan's legs now.
272
00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:04,266
And would you look at this?
Bicentennial quarter.
273
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,647
Look at you. So smug.
274
00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:13,649
You may think
you've replaced me,
275
00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:16,903
but I'm gonna make it
so the family will talk to me again.
276
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,657
Wow. You really are
a good listener.
277
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,668
And now we wait.
278
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,422
Okay.
279
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:39,508
And you're sure
you want to go ahead with the audition like this,
280
00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:42,178
with your son in tow?
281
00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:45,598
Oh, yeah. Little guy's
all tuckered out. Couldn't find a sitter.
282
00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:47,016
Won't slow me down a bit.
283
00:12:47,017 --> 00:12:49,560
Now, I've prepared a little
tap-dance number for you.
284
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:52,688
These are auditions
for The Vagina Monologues.
285
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:55,274
Well, a little razzle-dazzle
couldn't hurt, right?
286
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,026
Certainly not.
287
00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:58,778
[? upbeat music playing]
288
00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:04,951
[groaning]
289
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,371
[grunts]
290
00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:14,710
[groaning]
291
00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:15,962
- [thud]
- [Stan grunts]
292
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:18,840
[groaning]
293
00:13:20,634 --> 00:13:22,760
- [mumbling]
- Psst.
294
00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:25,804
Old man, you seen
a baseball bat around here?
295
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,641
Baseball bat's been
sent out for cleaning.
296
00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:32,102
- What?
- Uh, Roger, where...
297
00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:34,647
You knocked me out
and left work to come here?
298
00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:36,482
Stan, if you'll please
just let me
299
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,651
{\an8}- hit you in the face
with a hammer. - [both] Ow!
300
00:13:38,652 --> 00:13:41,237
You promised we'd come here,
you selfish piece of--
301
00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:42,905
- [both] Ow!
- [all gasp],
302
00:13:42,906 --> 00:13:47,160
Me, selfish? I knew
being stuck with you would be a disaster.
303
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,664
[both yelling] Ow!
304
00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,041
[both exclaiming]
305
00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:55,001
[choking]
306
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:01,674
Aah!
307
00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:03,927
- Crotch punch.
- [both groaning]
308
00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:07,180
[both exclaiming]
309
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,099
[both grunting]
310
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,184
Oh.
311
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:15,063
[train horn blaring]
312
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,523
{\an8}Good news.
313
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,943
{\an8}You survived your latest
train accident intact,
314
00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:22,987
and I gave you a faux-hawk.
315
00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:25,948
- Thanks, Doc. But listen.
- Is there any way...
316
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,534
...that you could separate us?
317
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:29,451
[sighs]
318
00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:32,788
To be honest,
he didn't actually need
319
00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:35,207
to fuse you two together
in the first place.
320
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,542
Then why did you?
321
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:39,128
She told me you needed
a desert island situation.
322
00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:44,008
So I gave you a body buddy
to rekindle your relationship.
323
00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:47,052
It's worked wonders
for me and Billy.
324
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:50,806
No, it hasn't.
I hate you more than ever.
325
00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,474
Quiet, Body-Billy.
326
00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:56,812
So, yes, I can separate you.
But why would you want me to?
327
00:14:56,813 --> 00:15:00,691
Because, well, we've had
our desert island situation.
328
00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:03,402
And we still can't seem
to remember why we're friends.
329
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,321
What we even do
for each other.
330
00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:06,905
So maybe...
331
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,241
Maybe we're not friends.
332
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:12,369
Then I suppose
what is needed is...
333
00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:13,663
[sniffles]
334
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,082
...a best-friend-ectomy.
335
00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:22,254
[Klaus] Okay. Maybe I should
have thought this through a little better.
336
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,673
No one's come
to talk to me yet.
337
00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:26,593
Getting pretty hungry.
338
00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:32,348
Good Klaus, we need to talk.
339
00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:37,019
[Klaus] Ooh, here we go.
Gentleman, singular, start your listening.
340
00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:40,773
- It's about Bad Klaus.
- Real Klaus.
341
00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:43,108
As much of an improvement
as you are over him
342
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:45,277
and as much as we like you...
343
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:48,364
- So much more than Bad Klaus.
- Much, much more than him.
344
00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:50,699
[Klaus] Okay, not loving this.
345
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,493
He's still family.
346
00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:56,455
And we decided
that keeping you around is just too hurtful to him.
347
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,539
[Klaus] Oh, hell, yeah.
348
00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:00,084
Okay, we'd better
destroy this thing.
349
00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:02,711
Otherwise it'll be too
tempting to go back to it.
350
00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,213
- [Klaus] What now?
- Right.
351
00:16:04,214 --> 00:16:07,257
Let's just toss it to Rogu.
He'll make short work of it.
352
00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:10,219
[Klaus] No, wait.
It's me, Bad Klaus.
353
00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:14,307
Can't even grunt.
Swallowed too much glue.
354
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,143
Wait! Help!
355
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:19,478
Oh, God.
356
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,105
Ooh!
357
00:16:21,106 --> 00:16:23,649
Orangey, orangey.
358
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:25,401
[Klaus] No, no!
359
00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:29,321
[screaming] No!
360
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:32,825
Okay, then.
Best of luck to you. Have a nice eternity.
361
00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:34,743
You too.
362
00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:37,746
And tell the family,
I don't know, goodbye forever from me, or whatever.
363
00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:38,832
It's been real.
364
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:45,087
? If you want to
buy me flowers ?
365
00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:48,007
? Just go ahead now
And if you... ?
366
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,011
? And that's some bread now
This one... ?
367
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,782
All clear.
You can come out now. Sit up front if you want.
368
00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:14,950
I'm good back here.
369
00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:17,202
So you're really gonna
let me live with you?
370
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:20,122
I'm a man of my word.
We've got a bomb shelter out back.
371
00:17:20,123 --> 00:17:22,332
I can leave groceries for you
once a month.
372
00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:23,793
Cool, cool.
373
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,716
So, what's space like?
374
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,801
It's all right.
A lot of hydrogen.
375
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:36,138
And what kind of things
do you like to get up to out there?
376
00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:37,222
[sighs]
377
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:40,143
Glorxnars. I like glorxnars.
378
00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:43,979
We don't have to do this,
you know.
379
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:48,066
I appreciate you
putting me up and all, but silence is fine too.
380
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,693
Well, excuse me, baldy.
381
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:53,572
Whoa. Easy there, buckaroo.
You're wound pretty tight, huh?
382
00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:57,701
Sorry. I just...
Yes, I tend to be a somewhat rigid person.
383
00:17:57,702 --> 00:18:00,037
Is that your finger
poking around my anus?
384
00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:03,707
Oh, you ain't lying, brother.
You are as tight as a pencil sharpener.
385
00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:07,002
Okay. If we're gonna
do this, though, none of this inane small talk.
386
00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:08,504
All right.
Tell me something real.
387
00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,339
Tell me, like,
a deep, dark secret.
388
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,049
But my rigidity...
389
00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:13,884
- Come on, come on.
- No, not happening.
390
00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:16,512
Well, I guess
there is something, but...
391
00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:20,224
- No, I can't. You'll laugh.
- Probably. Okay, I'll go first.
392
00:18:20,225 --> 00:18:22,851
Something personal
about me? No genitals.
393
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,770
Check it out. Smooth.
394
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:28,857
There is a complicated
system of cartilage that can pop out in a way, but...
395
00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:32,821
Okay, one thing
I've never told anyone is...
396
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,825
that I... I...
397
00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,830
I've always wanted to try
growing a chinstrap beard.
398
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:44,873
- You should do it.
- Really?
399
00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:46,458
Yeah, you got the chin for it.
400
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:49,211
Yeah, I'm picturing it,
and it looks awesome.
401
00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:50,921
Yeah?
402
00:18:50,922 --> 00:18:53,382
Also, I saw my grandfather
kill a man with an axe when I was nine.
403
00:18:53,383 --> 00:18:56,927
And here I'd always heard
that it never hurts to axe.
404
00:18:56,928 --> 00:18:58,262
[laughing]
405
00:18:58,263 --> 00:19:00,597
You're funny. Did you
just come up with that?
406
00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:03,559
I'm good on my feet,
but even better on my knees.
407
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:04,977
Oh! [laughs]
408
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:09,147
- Can you even say that?
- [chuckles] You're adorable.
409
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,607
? Princes who adore you... ?
410
00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:13,068
- Oh, I love this song.
- Oh, me too.
411
00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:14,778
? This one got a pepper
in his pockets ?
412
00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,238
? He's gonna buy you flowers ?
413
00:19:16,239 --> 00:19:17,698
- ? That's all red now ?
- ? Go ahead ?
414
00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:19,157
? This one gotta rock
and gonna rock it ?
415
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,742
? Said he's gonna
try a pocket ?
416
00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:22,244
- ? Go to bed now ?
- ? Is what it said ?
417
00:19:22,245 --> 00:19:23,830
[both laughing]
418
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:25,497
[sighs]
419
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,583
Well, this is it.
420
00:19:27,584 --> 00:19:29,751
All right. Well,
guess I'll go get
421
00:19:29,752 --> 00:19:31,670
set up in the bomb shelter.
422
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:35,257
You know, we do also
have some space in the attic,
423
00:19:35,258 --> 00:19:38,511
if you'd, I don't know,
rather stay in the house.
424
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:44,183
That happens sometimes
when I'm happy.
425
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:47,686
[horn honks]
426
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:50,064
[multiple horns honking]
427
00:19:56,905 --> 00:19:58,655
- Stan?
- Roger?
428
00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:01,700
Oh, thank God. Listen,
I remembered something.
429
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:05,120
Our friendship, it's not about
anything we do for each other,
430
00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:07,289
it's about how it feels
when we're together.
431
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:10,626
Sounds like somebody
had a flashback to our first road trip.
432
00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:12,169
I did.
433
00:20:12,170 --> 00:20:15,130
I'm sorry I'd lost sight
of how special our friendship is.
434
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:19,468
It was only because
I'd gotten really, really, really, really sick of you.
435
00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:21,638
Oh, Stan, me too.
436
00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:25,140
I'm glad you got off
that bus, Roger.
437
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:26,808
I had to, Stan.
438
00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:29,771
The bus driver caught me
jerking off under a blanket.
439
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:33,315
{\an8}Come on, pal. Let's go home.
440
00:20:33,316 --> 00:20:36,818
{\an8}[? sweeping instrumental
music playing]
441
00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:38,905
{\an8}[train horn blaring]
442
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:46,161
{\an8}I'm afraid this time
I actually did have to fuse you together.
443
00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:49,665
{\an8}Oh, well. There's no one else
I'd rather be stuck with.
444
00:20:49,666 --> 00:20:51,166
{\an8}[Roger] Uh, Stan?
445
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:53,294
{\an8}[all screaming]
446
00:20:53,344 --> 00:20:57,894
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