Original subtitles

-All right. -All right.

We're a bit early, gates are shut.

Do you want to play a game?

-Yeah. -Tell you what we'll do, all right?

You can be-- You can be Uncle Paul, the driver, and I'll be you, okay?

-Yeah. -All right, let's do that.

There you go, all right, ready?

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Let's go!

[Paul grunts]

Okay, so I'm you, yeah?

[Paul whines]

Move out the way!

I want some chocolate, can I have your phone?

Can I have your phone?

Can I have your phone?

Can I have some chocolate?

Who taught you to drive?

All right.

[sighs] It's a bloody-- Bloody child lock.

All right, I'm gonna come in.

[grunts]

Oh, God.

Let's try--

Okay.

Hey, what I need you to do, I need you to get out...

[Joshie] Yeah?

...and go around and let me out.

No.

[Paul] Could you get out the car and go around?

-I can't. -Hello?

[Joshie] We’re locked in.

I know, yeah, I know, I know and I need you to get out and help me.

Will you get out?

-[Joshie] Um, I can't, we’re locked in. -Ugh!

Hello? Hi... anyone?

Hello, hi, hi.

-Let me out. Let me out! -Let me out!

Hello?

Hey, hey, hey!

-Hello? [laughing] -Hello, hello?

Hey!

Come back. Can you open the door?

Hi, hi, hi, yeah.

Could you-- Could you open the door? Open. Oh!

Run, run, run, run, run!

Okay, go, go, have a good day.

I'll see you later.

-Oh, sorry. -Yes?

Do you work here?

I'm the deputy head. Who are you?

Oh, I'm Joshie Isaacs' uncle.

Do you have a minute?

Well, not really, I'm on the phone.

Oh, but it's quite important, so...

Oh, I'll call you back.

Great, I was locked in my car a minute ago

and this lovely lady came past and she let me out,

and I didn't get a chance to say thank you.

Um, chestnut hair, purple coat?

Um... I don't know, maybe 5'4.

Quite fat?

Sorry?

Mm?

That's exactly the word he used, Mrs Isaacs.

If she'd been slim, I would have said she was slim.

That would have been fine.

It may not be your fault, but he dropped off your son.

Slim is descriptive, you know, like tall.

A tall woman, that's all right.

Okay, thank you, I'll be in touch.

You know a tall, slim woman. No problems there.

I mean, what if she'd had flaming red hair,

freckles, and an eye patch, or a stocky bald man

with a tattoo of Mt. Vesuvius on his neck?

[knock on door]

You asked to see me?

I believe you two have met.

-Oh, yeah, I opened your car door. -Yep, that's me.

Sorry, I had to dash.

Well, I should have thought about that bloody child lock.

Well, it was pretty stupid.

-Mm... -[both laugh]

Mrs Brady, June?

Mm.

We've got an issue here.

I just wanted to say thank you. So...

You're welcome.

[clicks tongue]

So, I was trying to find you, so that I could

thank you personally, and the only word that I could use

to describe you was to say that you were...

quite fat.

-Fat? -Well, quite fat.

I mean, you could have said I was wearing a purple coat.

Yeah, well, I did, but apparently that wasn't enough.

Or I was attractive, with kind eyes?

I mean, you could have said that.

I could have done, but I was just trying

to conjure your essence in as few words as possible.

Fat.

Did you just call me stupid?

No, I said you acted stupidly.

What I should have said is that you're an offensive,

bigoted, fattist cunt.

Well, I guess that evens things up.

[mischievous music]

The lengths you go to for a story.

Who even makes this stuff?

It's to train nurses, so they know what it feels like

to be old.

How do I look?

Like Lewis Hamilton.

[groans]

What does it feel like?

Honestly, if this is what 80 feels like, you can kill me when I'm 79.

Watch this. This is 20 years,

[groans] 40 years.

20 years, 40 years. [groans]

Right.

Give me something to do.

Uh... pick up my phone and go to the Meals on Wheels website.

-What? -Pick up my phone!

God, a sixth of the population have to function like this.

Ugh.

What's this?

It's my screensaver.

Why?

It's a good context picture!

What?

Take off the fucking headphones!

Oh, God! Ugh, I can't be wearing those all day.

Why the fuck is Piers Morgan your screensaver?

I switch it on in the morning, and then I think, you know,

whoever I am, at least I'm not him.

It places life in context way better than mountains at sunrise.

It used to be Saddam Hussein, and then he died,

and then it was Gaddafi, and he died, and Thatcher

and she died, and now it's Piers.

Yeah. Well, fingers crossed for Piers.

[phone ringing]

Do you mind?

Sure.

-It's Naomi. -Ah!

Hiya.

Fuck you, where's the idiot?

Do you know how difficult it is for me to be nice

to these cretinous teachers, but I do it!

And in one morning you have basically blown

Joshie’s entire education.

-Well, that's an overstatement. -Oh, you think?

That deputy head killed off

Michael Sylvester OBE's chance of getting his son

into Haberdashers, because his wife forgot to buy her

a fucking Hanukkah present, so you go back and apologise.

What do you want me to say?

Oh, I'm sorry, I now decided you're a size eight?

If that's what it takes.

Can’t you just home-school him?

Oh, yeah, I'll just throw in my job and spend

the next six years repeating the eight fucking times table.

No, I pay my taxes so some other poor sod can do that.

All right, I'll go pick him up and I'll bring her some flowers.

Not some flowers, a bouquet, a huge bouquet,

the most expensive bouquet North London has to offer.

-Fine. Love you. -Fuck you--

All right, ready?

[upbeat music]

Ready?

Did I hit it?

God.

[people chattering]

-[Paul] Ugh. -Okay.

Where--

-There you go. -[Simon] I'm gonna jump on that.

I'm going, ugh.

There it is.

-Okay, all right, now you're in trouble. -[Simon] Oh, yeah.

-Now you're in trouble. -[Simon] Now you're gonna bring it.

20 years off.

Ugh.

Oh, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Oh, no.

[Simon] We gonna do this?

Oh, no.

Oh, you'll have to give me a head start.

-Like what? -Five points?

Ooh, too steep.

[sighs] What are you talking about? I can barely hold the racket.

Two points.

Two points and I get to use the doubles court.

No way.

No, I'm not just about to hand you a game so you can crow about it.

Three points and use singles.

-No, no, no! -Come on!

-You are such a pussy. -You're a prick.

Yeah, I feel right at home here.

-[Simon] You fit in. -Hmm. My people.

All right, okay.

-Aw, look at that. -Not bad.

That's good, that's good, okay.

Check this out.

-Oh, shit. -[Paul] Oh no, no.

[Simon] Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, sorry.

Yeah.

-But you have an advantage. -Well.

The weight is sort of dragging you down.

The problem with me is that I'm too strong, it goes too far.

Too much upper body strength, that's what they all say.

For this game, yeah, absolutely.

Less talking, more bowling.

All right, I'm gonna... do as weak as I can.

Here we go.

[grunts]

[playful music]

[doorbell rings]

Why?

[shouting] Seeing what it's like to be you!

[shouting] What do you mean?

This suit is supposed to add 20 years onto your age!

I'm not deaf!

No!

If I were deaf, I'd get a hearing aid!

Yeah, that's a good point, good point.

You remember Louis from our poker game.

Oh, yeah, hi, Louis.

Hi, Paul.

[Ronnie] You may be able to help.

Paul works for that Jewish paper.

Oh, The Chronicle?

No, not even, The Examiner.

-Enquirer. -Enquirer.

-Tell him what you told me. -[scoffs]

I'm LGBTQ.

Oh, wow, really so which one are you?

Obviously not L...

So, are you GBT or Q?

-Q. -Q, you're questioning?

That's right.

Unsure what gender you are.

Well, no, but I'm just questioning.

What are you questioning?

Meaning of life, price of milk?

Tell him.

Well, I think I may be Japanese.

You think you may be Japanese?

Well, yes, but in a Jewish man's body.

In an old Jewish man's body.

He's at the Lenton Bayfield Home.

And you know, every Friday night, they torment me.

-They give him chicken soup. -And, what do you want?

Miso.

Mm.

They don't even let him have chopsticks.

Or Kobe beef.

They massage the cows with beer.

You see, questioning, within LGBTQ communities

usually relates to gender, not food.

-Let me try it. -What for?

-I want to see what it's like to be 95. -What, seriously?

Yeah, come on give us a go.

-[groans] Oh, God. -Here. Give it here.

[Paul grunts]

If Taylor Swift had expressed support

for Jewish people questioning

whether they were Japanese, then you'd be more interested.

Yeah, well when she does, I will.

Look, it's my right. My right! To be taken seriously,

just the same as anybody else, irrespective of age.

I may be Japanese.

I may not be, but I may be.

That's exactly what I'm questioning!

All right, calm down.

So, what do you know about Japan?

Hiroshima.

They're prone to Tsunamis.

Anything else?

Well, I saw You Only Live Twice on TV.

That was about two years ago, after my wife died.

Well, that's not much, is it?

[shouting] I can't move!

[shouting] Well, now you know how it feels.

I can't move my arms and legs.

Just-- Just try.

-I'll try. -Yeah.

[screams]

Shit!

Do you wanna go, Louis?

Fukazaruna.

[playful music]

-Hi. Hi. Sorry, can I get-- -Excuse me?

Sorry, mate, I didn't see you there.

What, you didn't see the Black man in the queue, no?

[clicks tongue]

Can I get a dozen white roses, please?

Hang on. I didn't see you

not because you're Black, but because these goggles

restrict my vision.

-You've got racist goggles, yeah? -I'm a journalist.

I'm just testing, testing the suit out.

It's supposed to add 20 years onto your age.

20 years, 40 years, 20 years.

Right.

Do you know, it's actually quite offensive to be accused of racism.

-Is it? -Yes!

I take great pride in my support of BAME rights.

I'm sure you do.

Yeah. Earlier today, I could have described a woman as Black.

Didn't.

How did you describe her then?

I said she was quite fat.

Well, that's a good call.

So, what's it stand for?

What?

BAME.

Black...

African, Middle Eastern.

-[laughs] You're full of shit! -All right, all right.

-Black... -Mm.

Asian, Middle Eastern.

Still full of shit.

Black, Asian, Minority Ethnic.

Yeah, well, that must include Jewish people!

I'm Jewish!

You're not BAME.

I'm a minority.

I must be BAME.

No, it's meant to protect the underprivileged.

You can't tell me that Phil Green

and Harvey Weinstein are BAME.

Strictly speaking, you know, look if you want to lose the Jews,

you've got to ditch the ME.

-Lose the ME? -Ditch the ME.

And just be BA.

But then again how many Asians get stopped and searched?

Yeah, like fuck.

You'd just be left with B.

Excuse me, we get stopped and searched all the time.

Yeah, for explosives and child brides.

We still get searched!

Yeah, and I get searched

for class A drugs and kitchen knives!

What do Jews get stopped and searched for?

Not a competition.

Minority ethnic bank fraud.

Oh, now that is racist.

See, you're a bit racist, she's a bit racist, and I am too.

No one's going anywhere.

Don't sweat it.

Just gotta get by, man.

-That's 45 pounds. -45? Motherfucker!

Copyright the Black man, yeah?

[playful music]

[sighs]

You're not Japanese.

No, but I'm still questioning.

There's a Caribbean takeaway opened up in Holloway,

and apparently, the jerk chicken's to die for.

Maybe I'm Black.

No, Louis, you're not Black.

You're minority ethnic.

Typical racist answer.

Now, look, you are going to eat up

all this lovely sushi that I have bought you.

Otherwise, I am going to go out there and I'm going

to tell everybody that you're nonbinary.

But I can count?

Genderfluid, Louis.

It's going to ruin any chance you've ever had

of having a snog, never mind sex, for as long as you are

in here or on this planet.

So, your call.

[stuttering] What's this green stuff?

Yum yums, is what that is.

[Louis groans]

[Paul laughs]

You bastard! [groans]

[playful music]

[groans]

-[Louis screams] -Oh, God, oh, God.

[dramatic drum music]

[Paul panting]

[Louis] I'm getting you.

[heavy breathing]

[Louis] Stop, stop, stop, I'm going to get you.

I'm going to get you.

[Paul groans] Oh, yes.

-Sorry, sorry, sorry I'm late. -[Joshie] Dad!

These are for you.

Aww, now you're a fattist cunt that brings me flowers.

Yes. Come on.

[groans] All right.

-[Paul sighs] Okay. -Mm.

-Hey! -Hey, here he is.

What'd she say?

-Oh, she's fine. -Really?

Yeah, really fine. So much so, I'm giving her a lift home.

She's outside, you left her in the car?

-[Paul] Mhm. -Hey, hey, come in!

Yeah, come in!

What's going on?

Oh, I needed a new mattress.

Yeah, but you've got three!

Yeah, well, it's a hundred day trial and then you send back

the ones you don't want, no questions asked.

Yes, but most people get one and keep it if they like it.

-I'm not most people. -I know.

-Neither are you. -Mm.

So, you're going to stay like this for 100 days?

No, I'm gonna test them all out today

and then pick the best one.

-Hi, Naomi. -Hey, come on in!

I am so sorry about my brother.

Oh, that's all right, we’re sorted.

You know, I've been thinking about getting one of these foamy things.

Are they any good?

Why don't you try it?

-Nah, you're right. -Probably best.

Come on, Naomi won't mind.

-Of course not. -That might be useful.

Great, go ahead.

-Here. -Oh.

Oh!

-Yeah? Yeah. -Yeah!

-Oh, this is comfy. -Hmm.

-Hey, Paul, can you do me a favour? -Sure.

-Come lie next to me, right here. -Okay.

[Naomi] Joshie, where are the chocolate fingers?

-Right so, this is the acid test. -Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna close my eyes and you choose a moment to get off.

And if it's well made, I shouldn't even notice.

Okay!

[June laughs]

[June sighs]

Whenever you're ready.

I'm off.

Oh my gosh, I didn't even feel a thing!

Wow, this is a good mattress.

All right, let's try it the other way around.

You lie down, I'll get off and see if you notice.

-Really? -[June] Yeah, why not?

Oh, no reason.

I'm just gonna go and read Joshie a book.

Yeah, good idea. He's a bit behind.

Oh, well, thanks for the out-of-hours feedback.

Yeah.

Okay, you tell me when I get off.

Hopefully, your side won't move.

-Okay. -Close your eyes!

Oh, I felt, I felt something.

Did you get off?

-No. -I felt something.

Felt something!

-Oh, maybe you imagined it. -Yeah.

Shall we try another one?

Yeah!

Okay.

Ah, felt you.

-Can you lie, please? -What?

Can you just lie, say that you can't feel me?

Please?

Okay.

-What? -You're such a dolt!

Well, better than being a fattist cunt.

[both laugh]

Why is Joshie talking to me about Istanbul and drugs?

Oh, funny, June was playing the soundtrack

to Midnight Express in the car and he just wanted

to know the story.

Yeah, and we only told him up to going to jail.

So, you didn't get as far as the male rape scene.

That's a relief.

Are you fucking nuts? You're his teacher!

I'm off duty.

Oh! Oh, you're off duty?

Oh, okay, why don't we have an off duty family showing

of The Human Centipede?

Joshie, come down now!

[sighs]

Okay, Joshie ignore everything you heard in the car, okay?

Now, where are the chocolate fingers?

Am I going to jail?

Take it all off and give it to Ms Brady.

She won't notice a few thousand calories.

[Paul] And there we go.

-Thanks for the lift. -You're more than welcome.

Yeah, I'm probably a bit too sensitive.

Oh, don't be silly.

You're an adult, you know, with beautiful, beautiful eyes.

Oh, and a big, beaming smile!

Oh, shit, I forgot my coat!

Oh, I'll go back and get it.

Thanks.

[knocking on door]

-Hey. -[Naomi] Hi.

Yeah, I've come for June's coat.

She left it here. I said I'd drop it off.

-Come on in. -Yeah.

[Naomi] Shouldn't be too hard to find.

[door closes]

-Where did I put it? -[Simon] Put what?

The purple tent.

Oh, tell her we tried them all out and this one's definitely the best.

I still think this one's great.

It's firm.

Oh, my God, I did love that one.

And they definitely take it back with stains?

They have to, it's contractual.

You hate him!

I mean, they're all good, really.

Ugh! Every time you mention him, it's always

fucking Simon this, and fucking Simon that.

You wouldn't even let him in the house!

Oh, yeah, it's a one-off.

Well, a three-off.

She's-- She's using you.

She's using you as a bed tester.

And I don't mind being used.

[Naomi] Here it is, found it.

Please give it to her with my best wishes

-for a lovely weekend, okay? -Yes.

Go again?

Okay, I want to write a story on me.

Will you-- Will you help?

Okay.

[owl hooting]

Today, I have been racist, sexist, fattist,

possibly transphobic, and misanthropic,

and I don't think that's even a particularly unusual day.

Big deal.

I mean, how did I get like this?

Was I like this growing up?

Oh, yeah, Naomi too.

Great, great, so it's genetic.

Yeah, it's genetic.

I'm a little prejudiced,

but so are the Chinese guys who hang out in Chinatown, right?

Gays hang out with gays in Soho, Jews in Golders Green.

But that's not, that's not prejudiced, that's just sticking with your mates.

Well, you can call it what you want,

but I'm a little bit racist, and Frenchist,

and transist, but sshh.

We're all pretending to be incredibly open-minded.

-Pretending? -Mm.

I'm always reading about how sexy Helen Mirren is in her 70s.

But, God, you should have seen her in her 30s.

Any woman in her 30s is objectively more beautiful

than one in her 70s. Fact.

Can't say it though, because you can't tell 70-year-olds

they're all a little bit on the ugly side.

Hm.

[clicks tongue] Do you know, I think I should do the article on you.

You don't wanna kill off your hardly successful career.

Hmm.

You're an idiot a lot of the time, but I love you.

You're my boy, always.

[both] L'chaim.

[playful music]

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump in the air for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump in the air for Ghana ♪

♪ Ghana Ghana, feel the beat ♪

♪ Move your body in the street ♪

♪ Kwasi Modo bringing the heat ♪

♪ The Ghanaian with the magic feet ♪

♪ Holler, holler ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Make some big noise For the black stars ♪

♪ Trama na-ma-ne ♪

♪ Jump For Ghana, yeah ♪