Original subtitles

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

How do I look?

Oh...

You look great.

Well...

It's important, mom.

You look fine. I promise.

Yeah.

You look, uh...

Keep in touch!

Don't take it personally, honey.

Jennifer is turning into a teenage girl.

You know, an exciting, wonderful being...

from another planet.

Elyse, this isn't the first time she's walked into a room

and acted like I wasn't there.

We just don't seem to connect anymore.

We used to have so much in common.

Well, you still have a lot of things in common.

She's just not interested in them anymore.

All right, Mallory.

I am never, ever getting in a car with you again.

All I did was tell The truth, Alex.

You did not tell the truth.

I came to a complete stop, a complete and total stop.

Yeah, you stopped.

What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

My so-called sister and I are driving downtown

on South High Street.

Right in front of Lazarus, there.

And for some crazy reason, I don't know why,

a police officer, one of Columbus' finest

and least sighted, pulls me over.

He says I did not come to a complete stop.

"Officer," I said, "I did come to a complete stop."

And Mallory says,

"Don't lie, Alex."

Can you believe it?

Can you possibly comprehend it? "Don't lie, Alex"?

I felt it was my duty as a citizen of Columbus.

You're gonna be a citizen of Saturn.

Ah!

I'm gonna fight this. I don't care.

I'm gonna see that I am vindicated.

I believe in our judicial system.

I'll bribe someone if I have to.

Does this scarf make it work?

Oh, I like it.

Mom?

I think it's great. Very nice.

Uh, say, Jen, I was thinking maybe you and I could go over

to Darby Creek Park later, shoot some baskets.

Oh, no, I can't today, dad.

Chuck's coming over, and I promised

we'd spend the afternoon together.

Oh. Chuck.

Well, that's okay. I understand.

Can I talk to you? Chuck will be here any minute.

Oh, sure, honey. Yeah, what is it?

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Mom, can you...?

Thank you.

Uh, maybe, uh, tonight we'll shoot some baskets. Or tomorrow!

Hey, you don't have to let me know now!

Think it over!

Don't feel bad, honey. She's been looking forward

to being with Chuckie all week.

I don't feel bad about it. don't be silly.

If she'd rather be with a boy her own age

than with her dad, that's fine.

Seems a little unnatural to me.

Just relax, Steven.

I'm relaxed.

What were you two whispering about?

Oh, nothing really.

Just, there are some times a girl feels more comfortable

talking to her mom, that's all.

What were you whispering about? Please. Tell me.

I don't want to tell you.

Why not?

Because last time this happened,

you didn't react normally.

Now I have to know. Come on, tell me.

I can't stand it. Please, tell me.

Okay.

Today, Jennifer is wearing a bra for the first time.

Why do you tell me these things?

No, dad, listen to me. I know policemen.

This guy was not gonna give me that ticket.

I could feel it. I could see it in his eyes.

I could see it through his glasses.

His thick, thick glasses.

Then why did he stop you in the first place?

He wanted to get to know me.

I don't know.

I do know that he believed me

when I said I came to a complete stop.

He believed me.

Until Mallory said, "Don't lie, Alex."

Oh, and, dad, listen to this.

When he took out his notebook

to write me the ticket, his pen...

You're not gonna believe this.

His pen is dry.

He can't write the ticket.

I mean, he's laughing. He is gonna let me go.

Mallory lent him her pen.

Then I helped him spell your name right.

What have you got there?

Oh, some old father's day cards from Jennifer,

when I was still her father.

I just don't get it, Elyse.

Steven, really, you know, you're acting like

this is the first time one of our children has grown up.

Jen and I have always had something special.

I mean, Mallory - Mallory was shopping by herself

by the time she was 6 months old.

And Alex...

Well, you can only get so close to Alex

in a non-financial relationship.

But...

Jennifer...

Jennifer used to come to me.

I remember she used to call you her buddy.

Yeah. I used to call her my buddy.

I'd say, "Hi, buddy," and she'd say, "Hi, buddy.

Sometimes we'd get confused. We wouldn't know who was who.

I'm being ridiculous, aren't I?

No, you're not being ridiculous.

You're being a daddy.

Sometimes the two are identical twins.

Hi. Oh, hey, guys.

How was your walk? It was very nice, dad.

Sorry we're late. We, uh, stopped and shot some baskets.

Really? I hardly know this boy.

How about a snack?

Oh, no, thanks, mom. We're going upstairs.

I want to show Chuckie something.

Well, there's nothing you can show him upstairs

that you can't show him down here.

I want to show him the upstairs.

Wait, Jen. If going upstairs makes your dad uptight,

what's the point? Why put him through it?

What would you like to do, Mr. Keaton?

Well, I don't know.

We could, uh, set up the ping-pong table

downstairs in the basement,

uh, play a couple of games. Hey, that sounds good.

Well, listen.

Ping-pong's really a two-person game,

so, uh, catch you later, Chuck.

Dad!

Yeah.

I'll call you back on the other phone, okay, Debbie?

Bye.

Hi, dad.

Uh, Jen, could we, uh, talk for a minute?

I've got to call Debbie right back. It's crucial.

Maybe it could wait for just a second.

We, uh, we haven't really done much talking lately.

I miss you.

I miss you, too, dad.

Can I call Debbie back now?

Come on, let's sit down. sit down.

Let's talk, buddy to buddy.

Okay.

You know, you used to call me buddy all the time.

You never call me buddy anymore.

Buddy is so babyish, dad.

You didn't think that when you were 3.

What are you reading there? Seventeen.

Uh, you're only 13. You shouldn't be reading that.

You shouldn't be reading that for another four years, Jen.

Well, let's see. What have we got here? Ah.

"Twelve ways to shape up in time for the prom."

Too late for me now, huh?

- Why don't you go and call Debbie back? - I'll go and call Debbie back.

Hey, dad.

Where are you off to?

Going downtown.

Take some photographs of the scene of the crime.

Gonna need some visual evidence so I'll have proof

of my innocence for my day in court.

I like your thinking.

You know, dad, did I tell you that, uh,

after that cop gave me the ticket,

Mallory gave him a donation for the policeman's ball?

Try to forget all that, Alex.

Put your faith in the legal system.

She should be in jail, dad.

Mom, can you go with me

to the Sunflower girls troop meeting

after school on Thursday?

On Thursday? Oh, honey, I can't.

I've got a meeting at the office.

The Kramers want me to go over the plans for their new house.

Can't you make that for another day?

Honey, I've already canceled it twice.

And if I don't get started on their plans for their home,

they're gonna want to move in here with us.

All right.

All right, I'll reschedule it.

Thanks, mom.

Hm.

"Sunflower girls tea.

"Come one, come all. Come join the fun.

Tea. Talk. Treats."

No, Steven. It's not for you. It's for girls.

Not so fast. It says, "Come one, come all."

Honey, I know how much you want a shared experience

with Jennifer, but this is not it.

You won't fit in.

Oh, really? Well, what do they do there?

What's so special about the Sunflowers girls tea

that I can't be a part of it? What goes on there, Elyse.

What do they do?

They sing songs.

Are you implying that I can't sing songs?

What songs? What songs do they sing?

"I've got a mule, and her name is Sal."

♪ I've got a mule, And her name is Sal ♪

♪ 15 miles on the Erie Canal ♪

What else do they do?

They talk about things.

What kind of things?

Well, things, Steven.

Uh, hobbies, school, current events.

Things that go on in their life.

Girls' talk!

And then they eat cookies.

Are you implying that I can't...?

Steven, it's a girls' club. It's not for you.

You'd be putting yourself in a place

where you have no place.

What place do I have in her life now, Elyse?

I'm the invisible man!

At least this gives me a shot.

This gives me an identity.

I'm a Sunflower girl.

I don't want dad to take me. I just don't want him to.

Come on, Jen. Keep it down.

You don't want dad to hear, do you?

Maybe I do.

You've got to let him go, Jen.

It's part of growing up female in this house.

He came to Sunflower girls with you, too?

No. He came on a date with me.

I was, uh, 13 1/2,

and Brian Madigan took me to the movies.

Brian sat on one side of me and, well, dad sat on the other.

When Brian put his arm around me,

dad put his arm around me, too,

and, uh... well, they shook hands.

Good morning, everybody.

Except Mallory.

Where are you going?

I'm going down to traffic court.

Good luck.

Wouldn't need luck if it weren't for you, Mal.

You would not be going to court, Alex,

if you had just allowed me to keep driving.

Is that it, Mallory?

That is it. That's it isn't it?

That's right.

The reason that I wouldn't let you drive anymore

is that my life was in sudden and immediate peril.

I mean, you're driving,

and people are leaping off the street into the bushes.

You drive like you're playing tag.

Don't lie, Alex.

No.

No, violence has no place here.

I put my faith in our system of jurisprudence,

and it shall vindicate me.

I have photographs of the intersection,

of the stop sign, and I have photographs of you.

As well...

...as a report card...

And a recent I.Q. test.

I think the judge will understand.

No. He won't.

Because I'm gonna call him up and tell him you're lying.

Mom!

Mom!

Hey!

I'm ready for the meeting, buddy.

Great, dad.

And I've been practicing the Sunflower salute.

Dad, I told you...

Dad, I told you, we don't do that salute anymore.

It's in the handbook, Jennifer.

We just shake hands now.

Okay.

Look, I'll be, uh,

back downstairs in about 15 minutes

to take you to the meeting.

That's fine, dad, but just don't do the...

Sunflower goodbye?

I think dad needs to be watered.

I'm in big trouble here, Alex. Help me out.

Well, I could tell you what I'd do if I were you.

What?

Well, dad wants to spend time with you, right?

Right.

And time is money, right?

Right.

So, if dad wants to spend time with you

and time is money,

then he'll spend money to be with you.

See?

So what you do is you charge him by the hour.

Like, uh...

...five bucks for a walk in the park,

eight bucks for a game of basketball.

Now, be a sport and give him half off

on father's day.

That's a beautiful thought, Alex,

but no, thanks.

Well, you can do what you want, buddy.

I got to go down to court.

Girls: ♪ low bridge, everybody down

♪ low bridge for we're comin' to a town ♪

♪ and you'll always know your neighbor ♪

♪ you'll always know your pal

♪ if you've ever navigated on the Erie Canal ♪

Woman: All right!

Well, what do you say, dad? Do you want to go now?

We've been here three minutes, Jennifer.

All right. That was very nice singing, girls.

And now on to the new business.

I would like to welcome all the moms

and...the dad.

Mr. Keaton, nice that you could come, sir.

Thank you, Mrs. Carpenter. I feel very much at home.

In fact, I'd like to, uh,

give you all a warm Sunflower...

Dad!

Well, now it's time

for the roundtable.

Oh, what's that?

Well, once a month, we discuss some topic of interest

to the Sunflower girls.

Oh, great. I'm all ready. Camping? Boating? Hiking?

Today we're gonna talk about sex.

I'm your guy.

Did you say "sex"?

Mm-hmm.

Dad, maybe you should go. Really.

Nonsense, Jennifer. I'm a Sunflower dad.

I think I can handle

a mature discussion about, uh, what she said.

Now, we're going to discuss our bodies

as they blossom into womanhood,

and about boys and their bodies as they burst into manhood.

I know that some of you have already gone out

on dates with boys,

and I want to talk about first experiences.

And I want the younger girls to benefit from you older girls,

so we're gonna go around the room,

starting with you, Shelley.

Well, on my first date,

I went out with a guy in my class.

I'm not gonna name names...

Was it Larry Parker?

That's right.

Anyway, I went out with Larry,

and all he wanted to do was fool around.

What do you mean by "fool around?"

I mean, he wanted to touch my body

as it blossomed into womanhood.

Boys are only interested in one thing - sex.

Right, Mr. Keaton?

Well...well, uh... What's your name?

Alice.

Well, Alice,

some boys are very interested in sex.

Were you?

Well, uh, when I was a boy,

I was interested in a lot of things.

Was sex one of them?

Well, I was interested in, uh, baseball, basketball, football.

You're not answering the question.

Get off my back, will you?

I don't want to lie to you, uh, Alice.

I admit, there were some girls, uh...

That...

I remember Marjorie McCracken.

Boy, she had a body on her.

Dad, I can't believe you're talking about this stuff.

What can I do? She was hounding me.

Dad, you're really embarrassing me.

This is not the place for you to be.

Why do you say that?

Look around you, dad!

Do you see anyone else here who shaves?

Jennifer, I just want to spend some time with you.

I'm sorry, dad, but this isn't the right place.

If you don't leave, I will.

Would anyone like to know how I did in court today?

Well, let's see. Not good?

I won.

The judge loved me.

Commended me on my thoroughness,

commiserated with me about Mallory.

He has a sister...

Not quite as aggravating, but close.

Anyway, I won. Tore up the ticket.

That's not good news?

When I went out to the car...

...I found a parking ticket.

When I went inside to complain,

I got a jaywalking ticket.

Don't you just love justice?

It's so fair.

Aah!

Mom!

It wasn't a good idea.

You tried to stop me, but I wouldn't listen.

I was wrong. Wrong again.

I'm always wrong.

Want to tell me what happened?

Maybe in a couple of years.

Oh...

It was really something.

I was talking about my sex life to the Sunflower girls.

I'm sorry I missed that.

Jennifer was so embarrassed.

She must think I'm the most ridiculous excuse

for a father in the world.

Oh. Do you know what Mark Twain said?

Was he a Sunflower dad?

No.

He said that when he was 14,

his father was so ignorant,

he couldn't stand to have him around.

But by the time he turned 21,

he was astonished at how much the old man

had learned in just seven years.

Hmm.

She'll come back to you, Steven.

It may take seven years, but she'll come back.

I heard it didn't go so well.

Let's just say that most of the Sunflower girls

are still in shock.

Honey...

He only went because he cares so much about you.

That's hard to believe.

Well, it's true.

And the day will come when you'll look back on this fondly,

and... and you'll realize

what a wonderful father you have.

I guess you don't want to see the Sunflower salute, huh?

Not at the moment, no.

I made a mistake, Jen.

I tried to force myself in somewhere where I, uh...

I didn't belong.

But I only did it because I missed you.

I...

I miss talking to you, walking in the park with you,

throwing the ball back and forth.

You mean, if I would have gone to the park with you,

none of this would have happened?

Well, it's not as simple as that, Jen.

You know, when you were born, when I picked you up

for the first time and our eyes met,

right then, I signed on for life.

I knew that I would...

I would care for you, protect you,

teach you...

Love you.

And you've done all those things.

All of a sudden, it seemed like you didn't need me anymore.

You didn't want to be with me.

Well, it hurt.

I didn't mean to hurt you, dad.

It's just that I've changed. I can't help it.

Look at me, dad.

I'm 13 years old now. I'm not a little girl anymore.

I know that. I'm just trying to find ways

that I can still fit into your life.

Well, it's not as a Sunflower girl.

I learned that the hard way.

Look, dad, this is a hard time for me.

So much is changing at school and with my friends.

It's just so hard to keep up with everything.

Well, I only wish I was able to help you through this.

I think the easiest thing for you to do

is to not push too hard.

Not a little girl anymore.

I guess I'd better get used to that, huh?

You've got no choice.

I can't help it. I just keep growing.

I'm really gonna miss the old times.

It's not gonna be like that anymore, huh?

Maybe it'll be better...

Buddy.