Original subtitles

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Okay, Andy. You ready?

Okay.

This is him.

This is the guy I've been telling you about.

74 years old, he still has his own teeth.

I mean, this is everything you'd want in a president.

Alex.

Put this away. You'll frighten him.

Well, there you go again, dad.

Republican.

Waiting for Adam?

Adam who?

Adam Galardner, the boy you've been walking to school with

every day for the past week.

Oh, him. Yeah.

I think Adam's a wonderful boy.

Yeah, well, he's really nice and smart and funny.

And he likes baseball as much as I do.

He's the boy I've been looking for my whole life.

Only shorter.

We're going to the sixth-grade dance together.

That's terrific, honey.

Yeah, well, it was really romantic how it happened.

We were playing softball, and he was catcher for the other team,

and I was on third.

I tried to score on a ground ball,

but he was blocking the plate.

I barreled into him, and I asked him to the dance

as soon as he regained consciousness.

That's how I met your dad.

Come on, Alex, stop. Mallory.

Come on, just help me out here, will you?

Mom, dad, make Alex leave me alone.

What's the problem?

There's no problem.

Look, I have to write a paper on I.Q. tests

for my Psych class.

Now, I have to submit two examples.

Now, I got a smart example,

and now I need another one for contrast.

I don't understand.

See? You'd be perfect.

Alex, I.Q. tests are not an accurate measure

of a person's intelligence.

Elyse, you and I took I.Q. tests in college, remember?

I vaguely recall I scored...

7 1/2 points higher than you did.

As I said, they're not accurate.

Mom, I, uh - I sincerely beg to differ.

Statistics show that this new Cosgrove-Roget I.Q. test

is accurate to within five points.

I myself scored 137,

which is within a few points of genius level.

This being an example of the five-point variability.

Alex, I don't want to take your stupid test.

It's not a stupid test, Mallory.

It's an intelligence test.

if it were a stupid test, you'd do well on it.

Look, there's no way I'm gonna do this.

All right, I'll give you 10 bucks.

Well, okay. All right.

Give you the test after school, Mallory.

Where is he?

Waiting for Adam?

Adam who?

Jen, come on, we all know he's your boyfriend.

You got nothing to hide from us.

We're family. We support one another.

It's not - it's not like we're gonna make fun of you

or anything.

Okay, I guess he's sort of my boyfriend.

Okay.

♪ Jennifer's got a boyfriend ♪ Mom.

♪ Jennifer's got a boyfriend ♪

Alex, stop tormenting your sister.

Mom, I just started.

Hi, Adam. Come on in. Hey, Adam.

Hi, Adam. Hi, everybody.

Uh, I got you this new reds hat.

Oh, thanks. That was very nice of you.

Alex.

You ready to go, Jennifer?

Yep. Come on.

Pardon me. Just, uh, drop by anytime, Adam.

Have fun. Bye.

Bye-bye.

Whoa.

Okay, get it out of your systems.

Together: Aww!

He's so cute. He's nice. Great height.

Yeah. He's a perfect...

So, who do you think is the best first baseman?

Uh, Steve Garvey.

Well, who do you think is the best shortstop?

Shortstop.

Jennifer Keaton.

In the Major Leagues.

Any league.

You excited about the dance, Jennifer?

Yeah. Are you?

I guess so.

Well, what's the matter?

I'm just not a very good dancer, that's all.

Neither am I.

What are we gonna do?

Let's bring our baseball mitts, just in case.

Okay. But we have to take them off before we dance.

Hey, kiddy.

I have a great idea.

Let's finish eating our lunches outside.

We can't eat outside.

Well, then let's just skip lunch.

Adam, what's wrong with you?

I've just suddenly lost my appetite.

Adam.

Hey, Galardner.

Just leave me alone, Rick.

Knock it off, Rick.

Hey, who's this, Galardner? Your mother?

Very funny.

Let's go, Jennifer.

Where're you going, Galardner?

Not scared of me, are you?

Is that why you're never in the same places I am, Galardner?

Hey, I asked you a question.

Oh, nice hat.

Let me see it.

All right, yeah?

Together: yeah.

I'm warning you, Rick. Leave him alone.

Ooh.

Hey, tell your girlfriend to get out of my way, Galardner.

Hold it right there.

Come on, Alex.

That's the fifth time you've gone over my test.

I couldn't have done that bad.

Mal - Mallory, look, I'm -

I just got to go over these figures one more time, okay?

Something must be wrong here. My calculator must be broken.

All right, okay, I'm gonna go upstairs

and go over these one more time.

No. No, listen. Hey, Alex.

I appreciate you trying to spare my feelings.

But I want to know my score.

Well, Mallory, you know,

I really don't think you should torture yourself.

Mallory.

Oh!

I got a 139! You got a 137!

I'm two points smarter than you are.

Now, Mallory, don't jump to -

I mean, you can't possib...

♪ I'm smarter than Alex

Mallory, give me… No! What's the matter, Alex?

Afraid of my being your intellectual superior?

Who wouldn't be, Mallory?

Mallory, give me that.

Hey, what's going on?

Look, mom, my I.Q. is two points higher than Alex's.

Alex: No, it's not.

Don't pay any attention to that.

I got to get to a phone.

No, not the phone!

No! Mallory.

Mallory, um, I just…

I just didn't add up the figures correctly.

Aha. Poor math skills.

Mallory scored two points higher than Alex on an I.Q. test.

Whoa.

What do you make of this, Elyse?

Well, I guess Mallory's brighter

than her grades at school would indicate.

I always knew she had my brain.

What do you mean, your brain?

I-I meant our brain.

Our brain?

Yes, our collective brain.

Of which you have custody.

Hi, mom. Hi, dad.

Hi, darling. Sweetheart.

Listen, I have something to tell you guys.

Hm? What is it?

I sort of got in trouble at school today.

I sort of punched a guy in the stomach.

And that's when you sort of got into trouble?

Sort of.

Uh, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

The principal gave me this note to take home.

He was in a bad mood when he wrote that,

so take it with a grain of salt.

Why did you hit this boy?

Because he was a big creep.

And because he was about to beat up Adam.

Well, you should've known better, Jen.

You should have called a teacher.

There weren't any around.

Honest.

It says here you'll have to stay a half an hour

after school every day this week.

Why don't you go up to your room?

We'll talk about this later.

Okay. And I'm sorry.

But he was a big jerk.

He had it coming.

Well - hm.

I hope she understands

the extreme gravity of this situation.

Oh, I'm sure she does. Yeah.

I wish I'd been there to see it.

Hope she really decked that creep.

It was wrong. Oh, yeah.

All of that. Yeah. Yeah.

Quite wrong.

Adam. Come on in.

I can't stay, Mrs. Keaton.

May I speak with Jennifer?

Yeah - Jennifer! Come on down.

Hi, Adam. Adam: Hi.

Hi, Adam.

Listen, you don't have to thank me or anything.

I mean, it's over.

Let's just put this thing behind us.

I just came by to tell you

to get someone else to go to the dance with you,

'cause I never want to see you again.

Y-yes, yes, I am quite sure I administered

your Cosgrove-Roget test correctly, sir.

Well, no, the purpose of my call, sir, is this...

My sister...

Is a moron.

Yet your test labels her as a genius.

Now, I would like to speak to the head of your company.

Hello?

Hello?

Idiots.

The intelligence business is full of idiots.

How you doing? Just, uh, one more to go.

There.

Okay.

Now, if you do well on this,

it'll prove the test has no credibility.

All right. Let's prove it.

According to this, Skip,

you have no I.Q.

Well, it's better than I did the last time.

I don't know. Maybe I'm making too much of this.

I mean, the test is obviously incorrect, right?

I mean, Mallory must realize that.

She's probably forgotten about the whole thing by now.

Where'd you get that stuff, Mallory, brains 'r' us?

Oh, Alexander.

Your, uh, quasi-clever remarks are simply wasted

on someone of my smartitude.

Mallory?

I need your advice. I have boy troubles.

Adam still won't converse with you?

Yeah.

Look, Jennifer, maybe if you acted

more like the girl he expects you to be,

he'd get over it sooner.

Well, how do I do that?

Well, here.

Oh, no.

You dropped your book.

Thank you.

Aw, don't mention it.

See, Jennifer.

That's all you have to do to get Adam's attention.

Uh...

The male species is enamored by this kind of behavior.

It gives them an exaggerated sense

of their own... Importacity.

I've always felt that way.

Jennifer, Mallory is totally wrong.

Now, perhaps her methods of obvious manipulation

would work on somebody of Skippy's intelligence.

Thank you.

But they won't work on Adam.

Now, guys like Adam and I -

"Adam and me."

Adam and me...

Know all about these silly games that women play,

and we just humor them to keep them happy.

Now, my advice to you

is just don't play games and be yourself.

Jennifer, what you have here

are a couple of conflicting opinions.

And I suggest you take the one which emanated

from the more intelligent individual.

Okay, all right. That's it.

That is the last straw, Mallory.

I challenge you to an I.Q.-test rematch tomorrow

after school, right here, 5:00.

I accept.

You know, I could beat you

with one brain tied behind my back.

Yeah, you and what army?

I want you, Mallory.

I want you!

Hi, Adam.

Long time no speak.

Whoops.

You dropped your books.

Thanks.

Come on, Adam. This is ridiculous.

How could you do that to me, Jennifer?

Everyone in the school thinks I need a girl

to do my fighting for me.

Look, Adam, I know how you feel.

But I wasn't trying to make you look bad.

I just wanted to help you.

I mean, just because I'm a fighter and you're not

doesn't mean you should feel embarrassed.

I admire you for being above violence.

I wish I was.

Hey, Galardner.

I see you got your bodyguard with you.

She's not so tough now that you're ready for her, Rick.

You said it.

Did I say you could go anywhere, Galardner?

See, I don't like wimps who have their girlfriends

do their fighting for them.

I think you need somebody to teach you a lesson.

You're not gonna hit me.

Oh? And why is that?

Because if you hit me, you'll get in trouble

with the school and your parents.

That'll make you real mad,

and you'll probably beat me up again

and get suspended,

maybe even sent to reform school.

While you're there, you'll probably try to escape.

They'll catch you and put you away for life.

You could throw your whole life away with just one punch.

You could still hit me.

But I don't think you will.

You creep.

You'd better hold her back.

I'm ready for her now, and I'll kill her.

I'm not holding her back for you.

I'm holding her back for me.

This is my fight.

Okay with me. Let's go.

You're pretty tough, aren't you, Rick?

Beating up girls and kids that are smaller than you.

Kick any puppies on your way to school?

A couple.

Go ahead. Beat me up.

And if that doesn't satisfy you, you can beat me up tomorrow

and the next day and the day after that

till you get it out of your stupid system.

Come on. That's what you want, isn't it?

Aw, leave him alone, Rick.

Boy: come on, he doesn't want to fight.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's not worth my time.

Let's go, boys.

Finished.

Just a minute. Just a minute.

Okay. There.

Well, add up the scores.

With pleasure.

Okay, Mallory, I assure you this will prove to you,

once and for all, who is the smartest.

Smarter.

I knew that.

Me knew that.

I knew that.

Okay.

So?

138 for me.

And...

A hundred...and...

Oh!

I got 140!

Hey, look. We took the test again, and I did better again.

Well.

This can't be possible.

My world is crumbling around me.

It's no big deal, Alex.

You can adjust.

A person of, uh, your intelligence

can still lead a normal life.

He doesn't look good, Elyse.

Lucky thing he's not smart enough to know it.

Mom, dad.

I'm not...

Dumb, am I?

You're...

You're a nice boy, Alex.

Hi.

Oh. Oh, cheer up, Jennifer.

What's there to cheer up about?

I mean, Adam's still not talking to me,

which means we're not going

to the sixth-grade dance together.

Well, I'm sorry about that, honey,

but even so, you should be happy for Adam.

He stood up to those bullies.

Well, I guess so.

Okay, I'm not gonna worry about it anymore.

I'm putting Adam Galardner out of my mind once and for all.

It's Adam.

Hi, Adam. Come on in. Hi.

It's Adam. It's Adam.

Come on in, Adam.

Uh, Mrs. Keaton and I were just going upstairs to, uh...

Install solar panels on the roof.

The - the - the roof.

Right. Right.

Uh, they didn't work very well in the basement. Uh...

How you doing? Oh, my, my, my.

Adam. Jennifer.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Look. Look.

Listen, I never got to thank you

for sticking up for me the other day.

I mean, I know you only did it because...

You didn't want my face to get smashed in.

But you stuck up for me today, too.

I mean, weren't you scared?

Nah.

Yeah, a lot,

but I didn't want you to know I was scared.

Well, I couldn't tell.

Really?

Really.

Okay, I could tell.

But I don't care.

I...

I like you, Adam.

Even if I'm not a tough guy?

That's why I like you.

Look, if we're gonna be friends,

we've got to get over this boy-girl thing.

We can't get hung up on this old-fashioned idea

of what a boy is supposed to do

and what a girl is supposed to do.

I agree.

Good.

Well...

I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

Adam?

As - as long as we're speaking to each other,

maybe we should celebrate by going somewhere together.

You mean like the dance?

The dance - what a nice idea.

That was so nice of you to ask.

You always know just what to say.