Original subtitles

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

All packed up.

Everything going according to plan here?

Yep. Pretty much under control.

You know, I think it's a shame

that you're gonna be in Washington on Alex's birthday.

Well, at least I was with Alex on Washington's birthday.

You know, now, I'm not one to pat myself on the back,

but I think it's a pretty good idea

having a pre-birthday party for Alex.

Too bad it couldn't be for someone else.

He's here!

Oh! Okay, okay, uh, everybody hide!

Come on, right there.

Shh.

Here he comes. Shh. Shh.

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

Where'd he go?

I don't know.

Alex?

Oh, Alex?

Oh, there you all are.

Elyse: Oh!

What's going on?

Surprise.Surprise. Surprise.Surprise.

Oh.

A surprise party for me?

Yeah.

Yeah, but I... But I don't get it.

This went off without a hitch.

Your mom thought it'd be a good idea

to have a little birthday party for you now,

since I won't be back from the PBS conference

until Saturday night.

Here, Alex. We got you a cake.

"Happy bar mitzvah, Martin."

Oh, the bakery made a mistake.

It was the thought that counts.

This is really nice. Thank you.

Well, now, this isn't all.

Saturday night, the girls and I are gonna take you out

for a very special dinner,

and we'll give you your gifts then.

Mm-hmm. For now, you just get mine.

Happy bar mitzvah, Martin.

Whoa.

State of the art in radios.

A nine-band compact receiver

with slide-rule LED Tuning.

Picks up any station in the world.

Man: This is radio Switzerland.

Yodel-lay-ho-ho! Whoa.

These are the prices of precious metals.

Gold closed at 408, silver at 27,

copper was down.

Yodel-lay-ho...

Dad, do you realize

I am getting this information

six hours before the rest of the free world?

Oh, thank you!

He seems to like it.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, mom. Hi, mom.

Hello, Elyse.

Well...

I-I-i figured that since I am virtually an adult now,

I-I could call you Elyse...

Mom.

Mommy.

I'll get dinner started.

Alex, I asked you this morning

to take the garbage out before you went to school.

Yeah, listen. Mom, uh, I've been thinking.

You know, I have been taking out the garbage

for many years now,

and, uh, I think I've gotten all I can

out of the experience.

I've been grooming the minors to take over for me.

So, now is the time...

♪ da da da-da

for the ceremonial handing down of the trash.

Mallory?

Jennifer.

Nice try, Alex.

Yeah, okay. Uh, I'll do it later, mom.

I got to put this stuff away.

So, what did you do today?

Ah, school, some other stuff.

What other stuff?

This, that.

How does it feel,

day before your 18th birthday?

Fine. It was... it was fine. Nothing special.

Pleasant chatting with you.

I'll get that. Mom! Mom, I'll get that.

I'll get that.

Hello?

Hey, Ted. How you doing, pal?

Yeah. Yeah, 18 tomorrow.

How does it feel?

Come on, Ted. It feels great.

I have had the most incredible day.

I can't even begin to tell you about it.

Well, all right.

Why don't I just come over now?

Yeah, okay. I'll tell you all about it.

All right. See you later.

Uh, see you later, mom.

But, Alex, where are you going?

I'm going over to Ted's.

But we're... It's almost time for dinner.

Oh, come on, mom. I'm excited.

What? It's the day before my 18th birthday.

I-I feel like talking to someone.

Oh.

Well, before you go,

I want to ask you about your birthday dinner.

Now, I made reservations at Facudo's. Is that okay?

Mom, ah... I can't make it.

Uh, Neil and Doug are gonna take me out for my birthday.

But the girls and I already planned this.

We're really looking forward to it.

Well, come on, mom.

I mean, I can go out with you and the girls anytime.

Well, where are they gonna take you?

It's gonna be a big night, mom.

We're going down to wheeling, West Virginia.

Neil...

Neil knows this bar down there, the Camelot inn.

Whoa! We're gonna go there,

then afterwards we're gonna stay at Neil's brother's apartment

down in West Virginia.

Well, I-i don't know if I like this idea.

Well, why not?

Well, for one thing,

wheeling is 100 miles away.

Well, what does that have to do with anything?

You let dad go to Washington.

That's 431 miles away.

Alex...

I don't like the idea of you going to a bar.

I mean, I don't think it's appropriate

for someone your age.

Mom, I'm gonna be 18.

Look, the... the West Virginia state legislature

spent a lot of time and effort deciding

that 18 is the appropriate age for this sort of thing.

I don't think you should be second-guessing them.

I don't care about the West Virginia state legislature.

I mean, Alex, I'm your mother,

and I have veto power over them.

It's part of our system of checks and balances.

My answer's no.

Mom, you know as well as I do,

if dad were here, he'd let me go.

I'm here.

I have made my decision.

What your father would or wouldn't do is irrelevant.

I'll tell you what's irrelevant...

This whole discussion is irrelevant!

Look, 18 is the legal age of adulthood,

which means I now have the right to live my own life

without having to clear it with you!

No, sir!

Not while you're living under this roof!

Now, birthday or no birthday,

you are not leaving this house tomorrow night,

and that is final!

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah?

Well, uh, let me tell you something.

I am not...

Taking that trash out...

until I am good and ready.

Ohh!

How you doing, Alex?

Great.

Just, uh, just great.

Happy birthday.

Yeah. Yeah, some birthday.

I'm stuck in the house

because of some arbitrary edict

handed down by a ruthless dictator

who has no appreciation for the concept of adulthood.

Many happy returns.

Why is she doing this, Mallory?

I don't know all the facts, Alex,

but she must have good reason.

I never heard you say that when you were grounded.

Well, since it's you, I can be more objective.

Uh, girls, could I have a few minutes

alone with Alex, please?

Sure, mom.

Uh, were you able to get in touch with Neil?

No. No, he was out all day.

On top of everything else now,

I have to face the guys in person

and tell them I can't go to the bar

because my mommy won't let me.

Well, if... if you'd like,

you can ask the boys if they would like to stay

and celebrate your birthday with you.

I mean, I made this cake, and I have ice cream.

Are there gonna be pony rides, too?

I'll let you handle this.

Hey! Hey!

Happy birthday, Keaton!

Well, welcome to the big leagues, guy.

Well, let's get a move on, Alex.

The Camelot inn beckons us.

Jousting, wenches.

I called this girl I met last time I went down there...

Roxanne.

She's meeting us and bringing a couple of friends.

I can't go.

What?

I had a big fight with my mom,

and she's making me stay home.

On your birthday?

Unbelievable, isn't it?

Alex, come on.

Talk to her. Do something.

There's a beautiful girl in wheeling with your name on her.

No. Forget it, guys. Forget it.

She's not gonna change her mind.

Just, uh... Just go ahead.

Have a good time.

I hate to go without you... But okay.

Kind of ironic, isn't it?

What?

Well, I mean, your not being able to go with us tonight.

I mean, after all,

this was supposed to be your big night.

Your 18th birthday, your coming of age.

Oh, well.

No, wait a minute. Wait a minute, guys.

Not so fast.

I'm coming with you.

Hey, I'm 18. I can do what I want.

Uh, what about your mommy, Alex?

Let me deal with her.

Hey, unfair rules are made to be broken.

That's the American way.

Now you're talking.

Let's get out of here.

So...

is this a classy place or what?

It's really elegant.

Those are our dates.

This is the greatest place I have ever been.

Hey, Roxanne!

I'm glad you remembered me when I called.

How could I forget?

It's not every day I meet someone

in your line of work.

Uh, yeah. I guess that's true.

So, how did your Space Shuttle flight go?

It was very enjoyable.

These are my friends, Buffy and Christy.

Hi. Hello.

Uh, please, sit down. Sit down.

Two more Excaliburs and a Dragon's Breath.

I'd like you girls to meet

a couple of young air force cadets under my charge.

This is lieutenant Lippman.

Ladies.

And this is colonel Keaton.

Uh, how you doing?

This is a big night for colonel Keaton, girls.

Tomorrow morning at 0500 hours,

he flies his first mission into hostile enemy territory.

Really?

Come on, Neil.

Well, he's exaggerating.

Hmm.

A little.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, I-it's... it's... It's not my first mission.

It's... It's my first solo mission.

Yeah, and I'm going with him.

Oh.

What country are you attacking?

Oh, uh...

Canada.

We're not at war with Canada.

Wait, are we?

Are you scared?

Tell me, Buffy,

what place is there for fear

in a struggle whose ultimate goal

is nothing less than the survival of Liberty?

I don't know.

So, are you scared?

Let me tell you a little story about fear, Buff.

Uh, about a year ago,

I'm... I'm up in my F-14 doing a test flight.

I'm about 70,000 feet up.

I had that puppy going mach 2.

All of a sudden,

the fan belt goes out on me.

And you know something?

Any other pilot in that situation

might have felt fear.

But, uh, not this guy. No, sir.

Doug: Uh, Alex.

That's colonel Keaton.

Uh, I'm... I'm sorry. Colonel Keaton, I mean.

What is it?

Your mother's here.

I want you to come home with me.

Excuse me...

but the colonel happens to be my date.

The colonel?

Uh, yeah. Maybe some other time.

Tonight is a big night for him.

Tomorrow morning, he's invading Canada.

Oh, I see!

May I have a word with you, please,

colonel Keaton?

Your orders have been radically changed.

Um, Mrs. Keaton?

Would you please not tell my mom

that you saw me here?

Why is his mother here?

Uh, she probably came down to wish him luck

on his mission tomorrow.

You had no right to defy me, Alex!

I want you to leave with me right now!

No. Mom, this is crazy.

Look, we can talk about this later.

Tomorrow morning.

You're invading Canada tomorrow morning.

Mom, I'm not leaving with you. No way.

You are coming home with me right now, young man,

and that is final!

Hi.

Uh...

Neil, Doug, ladies,

I got to go.

Have a safe mission.

Mom.

Bye. Bye. Bye-bye.

He's still out there, mom.

Is he gonna stay in the car all night?

Well, he'll have to come in for breakfast.

Can't we just put a bowl out by the back door?

You know, this is ridiculous.

He didn't talk to me the whole way home,

and now he won't even get out of the car.

It's gonna lower the resale value.

M...

Jen, why don't we...

I'm with you.

I'm with you.

Mom...

I made a pact with myself never to speak to you again.

But I've given myself permission to suspend it.

Briefly.

Because frankly, mom,

the curiosity is killing me.

How on earth can you possibly justify doing

what you did to me tonight?

Go ahead. I'm listening.

Oh, I know!

I know.

You're mad because I disobeyed you.

Well, let me tell you something, mom...

I only disobeyed you because you were wrong.

Without just cause or provocation,

you denied me permission

to do something I have every right in the world to do.

Oh, sure.

Sure, this is your house.

And as long as it's your house, I got to live by your rules.

Well, that used to be true.

Not anymore, mom. I'm an adult now.

I got 18 years under this belt...

And my life is in my own hands.

Have you anything else to say?

I thought not.

All right, mom. Okay.

I think I've refuted all your arguments.

Until you are ready to apologize to me,

I am done speaking with you.

Oh! I didn't realize you'd started speaking with me.

What is that supposed to mean?

For the past two days, Alex,

you have complained to me,

grunted at me, lectured to me,

and presented me with ultimatums,

but not once... not... not once have you even come close

to talking with me.

Semantics.

Okay, mom. All right.

Okay, okay.

I haven't been very "chatty" lately.

I haven't been a million laughs.

That is not the issue here.

The issue here is my right to live my own life

without having you try and control it!

You have every right to live your own life.

I'm not trying to deny you that.

Oh, no?!

Oh, no?!

Okay, then why did you drive 100 miles and humiliate me

in front of half the state of West Virginia?

You had a few hours to kill?

No, Alex. I did it because you defied me.

And even more important than that,

I did it because I was hurt and angry and fed up!

About what?

I've tried starting conversations with you,

only to be politely dismissed.

I've asked for you to help around the house

and been ignored.

You canceled out dinner plans that I had made

without a moment's thought to m concern in the matter.

I do not enjoy being made to feel like

an intrusion and an annoyance in my own son's life!

Okay. Look, mom.

I'm... I'm sorry that I wasn't more sensitive.

Okay, I guess I should have been.

But I'm not used to thinking that way

when it pertains to you.

I mean, I-i-i think of you as my mother,

not... not as a person.

You know what I mean.

Surprise, Alex. I am a real person.

Flesh and blood, real feelings!

And maybe in... In one sense,

I was wrong not to let you go out with your friends.

But if you want me to respect your rights as an adult,

then you better start respecting mine!

Okay, I didn't respect your rights,

and you didn't respect mine.

So, uh...

How do we figure out who's right and who's wrong here?

There is no absolute right or wrong.

It's my job as a parent to... to set boundaries,

and it's your job to negotiate to change them.

When you were 7 years old, we got in an argument

because you wanted to walk to school by yourself.

I remember.

I remember, and, uh...

I was right.

And you let me go.

Yes. But I followed you.

And I hid behind trees and mailboxes

to make sure you looked both ways

and you crossed on the green.

Did I?

Yes.

In fact, when another kid

tried to cross in the middle of the block,

you made a citizen's arrest.

Yeah, that was little Timmy Dugan.

I let him off with a warning.

It's unbelievable to me, Alex...

That 18 years ago tonight, I had a baby boy.

Me, right?

Ever since that night,

you've been trying so hard to grow up,

and I've been trying so hard not to let it happen.

Well, considering, uh...

We have been at cross purposes, uh...

I think we're doing all right.

Mom, um...

I'm sorry that I've been treating you so rotten lately.

Accepted.

Sorry I ruined your dinner.

Ah, don't worry about it.

I had to go to bed early anyway.

I'm attacking Canada in the morning.

Good luck.

Thank you.

And happy birthday.

Thank you.

I love you, honey. I-i...

Aw, mom. Don't start that stuff.

I love you too, mom.

Oh.

Ah, it's getting pretty late. You coming up?

Yeah. In a second.

Uh, there's something I got to do first.

I just want to take this garbage out.

Elyse.