Original subtitles

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la.

Mallory, that is two!

Break another, and we're down to service for one.

I don't know what's wrong with me tonight.

I seem so nervous.

Would the fact that it's parents night at school

have anything to do with it?

It's parents night? At school?

Already?

Yes, yes, it is, Mallory.

Your night of nights.

A chance for your parents and your teachers

to get together, review your grades,

and have a good laugh.

You're so smug, Alex.

You just love parents night, don't you?

Oh, you bet.

I put it right up there with Christmas Eve.

How are you coming with the dishes?

Um, there's one or two left.

All right. We should be back by 9:30.

Look, I know it's gonna be very hectic there tonight,

so if you have to skip seeing my algebra teacher,

I'll understand.

In fact,

as of yesterday,

Mrs. Stigney... She took a vow of silence.

We'll pass notes to each other.

What about you, Alex? Anyone you want us to avoid?

Au contraire!

You go anywhere you want to go.

I just hope you can contain your joy.

Oh, remember, make sure and see Mr. Tedesco.

You've reminded us every hour.

I don't mean to be a pest about this,

but it's really important.

His cousin is on the faculty at Dartmouth.

If he writes me a letter of recommendation, I'm in.

Okay, Alex.

Uh, s-so you'll see him? You'll, uh, butter him up?

Consider him buttered.

Okay, Elyse, you go to Alex's classes,

and I'll go to Mallory's.

Mr. Tedesco.

Good guess.

Who are you?

Elyse Keaton, Alex's mother.

Alex Keaton... Good man.

Thank you.

You must be very proud.

Alex is the best student in this class.

Of course, that's not saying much.

Half of them think "the hunchback of Notre Dame"

was a football player.

Well, this is one of his favorite classes.

He talks about you all the time.

No need to butter me up.

I wasn't buttering you up. That was the truth.

My husband and I were very anxious to meet you,

but he had to go to my daughter Mallory's algebra class.

Mallory?

I had a student named Mallory Keaton last year.

She's the one.

Really?

Which one of your children is adopted?

All right, everybody. Attention, please.

I'm... Ruben Tedesco.

Your children call me Mr. Tedesco.

I think you should, too.

I teach European literature.

If you don't belong in this classroom, don't worry.

Neither do most of your children.

I'd like to make this an open forum.

I'll answer any intelligent questions you may have.

Well, I was wondering I wanted to...

Hands, please.

Yes, the lady in the front row.

Mr. Tedesco...

Not you.

The one next to you, the old bag.

Why do you give out so much homework?

I said intelligent questions. Next.

Yes. You.

My son, he says you pick on him.

You call him names.

Who's your son?

Larry Morgan.

Larry the Loser?

Madam, your son is an insipid, pimple-faced liar!

Anyone else?

Please identify yourself.

I'm Mrs. Binney.

My daughter mindy so enjoyed reading "The Little Prince."

Is there anything else you'd recommend for her?

Yes. I'd recommend she lose 40 pounds.

You could lose 30 yourself. Next.

My, my. Such an inquisitive bunch.

I have something to say.

Mr. Tedesco, I-i think you owe Mrs. Binney

and everyone else in here an apology.

All: Yes!

Y-you've been terribly rude and insulting to us all.

Mrs. Keaton, it's clear that your son

does not get his intelligence from you.

If you feel I'm being insulting, fine.

I won't insult anyone anymore.

This little get-together is over. I'm leaving.

Sorry. The game is over. Let me through.

Don't push me!

Move it, grandma.

You can't do that!

Who's gonna stop me?

All right.

Mallory, you hold the plate, Jennifer, you hold that piece,

and I'll fit them together.

Okay, great, great.

We've just got to hold it like this for two minutes,

and it'll last for 2,000 years.

Hey, it says so right on the bottle.

What should we do?

All right, all right. Don't panic. Don't panic.

Hello?

Yeah, just a second.

It's for you... Linda.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, Linda?

I'm gonna take it in the other room.

Sorry about that.

Mom, dad. You're home early. What happened?

I-it's a long story.

You talked to Mrs. Stigney, didn't you?!

Y-yes, but that's not...

Oh, I knew it. Listen, I promise I'll work harder from now on.

Mallory, it's...

I'll do my homework every night, I swear.

Well, maybe not every night, but every other night...

Mallory!

We have other, more serious problems right now.

Thank god.

Hey. Mom and dad. How'd it go?

Alex, maybe you'd better sit down.

I can't sit down. I'm too excited.

Listen, did you see Mr. Tedesco?

Did you, uh, make an impression on him?

Very definitely.

Great. Tell me every detail.

I don't know exactly how to put this.

I punched Mr. Tedesco in the mouth.

What did you say?

I punched him.

Um... W-when you say "punched,"

d-do you mean an affectionate little tap, like, uh,

"way to go, Mr. Tedesco"?

I decked him.

Wow! Wow!

Any particular reason?

He shoved an elderly lady!

That's it?! How old?

Alex, your Mr. Tedesco is a rude, crass, vile human being!

I could have told you that!

What did you have to hit him for?!

He was being so rude and insulting that...

That hitting him was an automatic reflexive response!

I was seized by an uncontrollable impulse!

Can't you understand?!

No!

It was just...

one of those things.

Now, I-i-I'm sure we can all understand it.

Could you explain it to me one more time, Elyse?

Maybe if you showed us how it happened, mom.

Alex, you be Mr. tedes...

Steven, I'm so ashamed of myself...

Striking another human being.

Well, look, Elyse, I'm sure that this can all be cleared up...

cleared up very easily.

Now, why don't you just call him up and apologize?

Good idea, good idea. I'll get the number.

Everything is going to be fine.

You just had a bad night, that's all.

Yeah.

Champ.

That's right, mom.

And anyways, Mr. Tedesco's been asking for it

for a long time now.

It's time somebody put him in his place.

Mallory, I don't want you to interpret this in any way

as meaning that I condone violence.

I don't. It was a freak occurrence.

Mmm.

Okay, mom.

Here you go.

Say anything you have to say.

But get me that recommendation.

Don't worry, Alex. I think I know how to handle this.

Hello. Mr. Tedesco?

Hi. This is Elyse Keaton.

Please, please! Hear me out!

Mr. Tedesco, I-i feel terribly about what happened,

and... and I want to apologize.

Now, see here!

What? Where do you live?

W-w...

Uh, m-m-Mr. Tedesco?

Uh, yeah, pay no attention to her.

S-she's been on medication lately, and...

Hello?

Hello?

Uh, Mr. Tedesco?

What is it?

May I have a word with you?

You've already had seven.

I'm Steven Keaton, Alex's father.

Huh?

One of the dueling keatons.

No, I-i don't...

Don't come any closer.

Mr. Tedesco, I came to apologize for my wife's behavior.

She feels terrible about the whole thing.

She's really sorry. We both are.

I could sue, you know.

Look, uh, look, l-l-let's... let's try to gain

some perspective on the situation here.

Uh, haven't you ever done something without thinking...

Something you regretted later?

Yes. I showed up for parents night.

Look, look, I know you're upset,

and you have every right to be,

but you're obviously a very intelligent, civilized person

who can recognize this incident for what it is.

An aberration.

And, uh, I hope you'll forgive and forget.

Fortunately, Mr. Keaton,

your son inherited your rational temperament.

For his sake, I will allow myself

to be appeased by your words.

I am nothing if not civilized.

Well...

I can see that.

Your wife, however, is an Amazon.

Part Irish, part French. No Amazon.

You know what I mean, Keaton.

She's primal!

Not fully evolved.

You must have a tough time keeping her in line.

Tell me...

Do whips ever enter the picture?

I think I'll be going now.

No, I'm curious... What's it like

to live with that kind of unbridled she-devil?

Goodbye, Mr. Tedesco.

No, wait. Just one more question.

Does she ever, uh...?

Why, you...

You're in a good mood, Alex.

Hey, why shouldn't I be in a good mood?

Right now, dad and Mr. Tedesco are probably shaking hands.

They're probably deciding

whether or not to go out for a beer.

My problems are over.

Hey, mom,

want to go for a few rounds, just for old times' sake?

Alex!

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee?

Alex, I'm getting angry!

Whoa! Kids, she's mad! Hit the deck!

Aah!

Will you stop it?!

Just get the table set for dinner.

Ah, come on, mom. It's over now. We can laugh about it.

Can't we?

She's not laughing, Alex.

Okay, okay.

What's this?

It's a plate.

It use to be a plate. Now it's art.

There's lots more art in the cupboard, mom.

Well, dad, how'd it go?

Will he write me the recommendation?

Well, we didn't exactly discuss the recommendation.

Well, what did you talk about?

Well, um...

First, I introduced myself.

Then, I-i told him how sorry we were.

I convinced him to forgive and forget.

Then we made a little bit of small talk, idle chatter.

Then I punched him in the face.

I'm sorry, Alex. The man is slime.

Elyse, if you'd heard the things he'd said...

I can't believe this!

I can't let you two out of the house!

Alex, that man would have made a killer out of Gandhi.

That man held the key to my future in his hands.

That... that letter of recommendation

w-was my passport to the Ivy league,

t-to penny loafers, raccoon coats...

Girls named Muffy.

Alex, there's always trade school.

Ohh!

How did all this happen, Elyse?

For all these years,

we've lived by the doctrine of non-violence,

of sympathy and love towards our fellow man,

peace and harmony.

The man is a rodent.

Listen, my geography teacher has been wising off lately.

Could one of you rough her up a bit?

We've got to put a stop to this.

Steven, I know this may sound crazy,

but I think we ought to invite Mr. Tedesco

to dinner tomorrow night.

What for? To finish him off?

I don't want that man in my home, Elyse.

Neither do I, Steven,

but until we can sit down in peace with him,

we'll never be able to sit down in peace with ourselves.

You're right.

And I think we owe it to Alex to smooth this thing over.

Well... Now you're talking some sense.

It's settled. We'll invite him for dinner tomorrow night.

Girls, you got to help me out tonight.

We got to keep things in an up mood

when Mr. Tedesco comes... Happiness, gaiety.

Laugh and giggle as much as possible.

In fact, let's practice, okay?

Go ahead... laugh.

Heh.

That's not bad, not bad,

but try it with a little more enthusiasm.

Hee hee hee hee hee. Hee hee hee hee hee.

Better.

Okay, look, uh...

If he starts getting into it with mom and dad,

talk about something else, okay?

Like... Like the weather.

Okay, Alex, now, the chicken's in the oven,

and the table is set.

Uh, chicken? Chicken?

Is that the best you could do, mom?

What's wrong with chicken?

You do not appease a man with poultry.

Beef! We need beef!

We're having chicken, Alex.

Okay, look, I've given some thought

a-as to what you might say to Mr. Tedesco.

"Never has so cruel an attack been perpetrated

on so innocent a victim."

"Would that I could reverse the hands of time, I would.

I beg your forgiveness with all my heart and soul"?

Alex, we're not gonna say these things.

We had no right to hit him. We know that.

But we're not going to beg his forgiveness.

Begging's out?

Afraid so.

We're not gonna grovel, either.

No groveling, either?

Why are we having the guy over?

I'll get it.

Mr. Tedesco.

Hello, Alex.

Come on in.

Please... sit down.

Thank you.

Hee hee hee hee hee! Hee hee hee hee hee!

I'm glad you could accept our invitation, Mr. Tedesco.

Well, of course he accepted, mom.

He's a very forgiving man.

Before you sits a human being

who thinks and acts on the highest plane imaginable.

I came for the free dinner.

Hee hee. Hee hee.

Mr. Tedesco, why don't we start with a clean slate here?

Now, we're all reasonable, intelligent human beings

who have just behaved poorly over the past few days.

Now, I know my husband and I are sorry for hitting you,

and I'm sure that you're sorry for saying the things you said.

What's for dinner?

Chicken. But before we eat, I was hoping that...

I had chicken for lunch.

Mom, there's got to be something else in the fridge.

Maybe we can go out and eat.

Uh, no, Alex. We are staying here.

And we're eating chicken.

I said I had chicken for lunch.

Um...

They say it might rain.

Yeah.

Rain's good.

Now, that's the Mallory I remember.

Mr. Tedesco...

Steven!

I-I think I need some help in the kitchen...

With the chicken.

We'll help too, mom.

Good! It's a big chicken.

Sorry about that, Mr. Tedesco.

It's about what I expected.

Look, uh... There's no point

in going on with this charade any longer.

You're not gonna write that letter of recommendation

for me, are you?

Uh... Are you?

You know, Keaton...

This is one of those moments when I prize being a teacher...

When I can watch a student squirm

because I hold his fate in my hands.

You like that, huh?

I do. I do.

There's something very appealing about... Playing god.

That's how we think of you.

I love having power.

And it's inspiring to see that you don't abuse it.

Uh, look...

I really need that recommendation.

I know.

Okay, okay, okay!

You've suffered long enough.

You got the recommendation.

Uh... I-i do?

Yeah... wrote it the day you asked me for it.

It's right here.

I don't usually show letters of recommendation to students,

but this one's exceptionally well-written, and...

Well...

Here you go.

Ohh!

Oh, Mr. Tedesco.

Oh, this is beautiful. This is beautiful. Thank you.

I admit that I thought about not giving you a recommendation.

Then I realized that wouldn't be fair.

It wasn't you that hit me.

Uh, no, no, no, it wasn't.

It's not your fault your parents are the way they are.

You know, in fact, considering what your parents are like,

you're a remarkable fellow.

Yeah.

Now, when they came into the classroom,

I realized that evolution sometimes takes a detour.

We're all descended from apes,

but not quite as directly as you.

Mr. Tedesco...

Sorry about flying off the handle earlier.

My, uh, my wife and I were talking out there,

and we reminded each other what this evening is all about

and how much it means to this family.

Yes. We're defrosting some steaks.

Should be ready in about 20 minutes.

Yummy.

No, mom. No steaks tonight.

Tonight...

We're having chicken.

No, Alex, remember? Mr. Tedesco had chicken for lunch.

Yeah, well, I don't care what Mr. Tedesco had for lunch,

and, uh, this is what I think of his recommendation.

Alex, what are you doing?!

I'm keeping my self-respect.

I overrated you, Alex.

I thought you were better than your parents.

I was wrong.

Look, Mr. Tedesco,

I-I don't feel like I'm better than my parents.

As a matter of fact,

if I grow up to be as good as they are,

I'll be very proud.

How conventionally sweet.

Ooh.

I think we'd all appreciate it

if you left our house now, Mr. Tedesco.

My pleasure.

Whoa.

Nice going, Alex.

You should've punched him.

No, he shouldn't have.

I think you handled the situation just right.

Look, I know it wasn't easy for you guys

to invite him over here for dinner tonight,

and I know you did it for me.

Thank you.

The evening didn't end up the way we thought it would,

but at least nobody got hit.

Alex, you're hard to figure.

Right when I think I know you, you go and do something nice.

All right. I'll have the chicken.