Original subtitles

♪ I'll bet We've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

♪ And I'll bet We'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Ooh, it's like I started breathin' ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't No nothin' ♪

♪ We can't love Each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-lahhh ♪

Okay, Jennifer, ask me one from the geometry category.

Alex, I'm tired of doing this.

I need a break.

Aw, come on, Jennifer!

You can't let me down now.

You've helped me through the first four rounds

of the high school quiz off.

The championships are only three days away!

It's gonna be on television.

I've got to be prepared.

Now, come on, just one more.

Alex, you're violating child labor laws.

Please!

I love it when you beg.

Hi, guys.

Hey, clear those books off the table.

We've got to get dinner going.

Uh, Mom, I really don't want to break my concentration.

Wh... Why don't you guys go out for dinner?

Here's a couple of bucks.

Alex!

Sorry, Mom, I'm just excited about the quiz off, that's all.

Oh, me too.

In fact, this morning, I dropped off my plans

for the set at the station. How did Daddy like 'em?

Well, he didn't have a chance to see them yet,

but I know he's gonna love my ideas.

All right, Jennifer, hit me with a literature question, please.

Okay, but this is the last one.

In Act Five, Scene Five, of Macbeth,

Macbeth reflects on the nature of life.

Quote the passage exactly.

Uh, that's a tough one.

Give me... Give me a second.

Oh, hi gang.

Hi, Dad. Hi, honey.

Hi, Dad. Hey, Alex.

How're you doing today?

Life's but a walking shadow. A poor player who struts and

frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more.

It is a tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing.

He seems a little depressed.

He's practicing for the tournament finals.

So, what'd you think of my set designs?

Well, uh, it's a little elaborate, isn't it?

I was thinking more along the lines of the kind

of set we used last year.

Well, last year's set was so dull!

Well, maybe. I...

It's hard for me to talk about the plans without

having them in front of me.

Uh, too bad I left them at the office.

Good luck! I happen to have an extra copy right here!

What a break.

Uh, I'll... I'll get that.

Hello.

Uh, uh, just a second.

Alex, it's for you.

Yello.

Oh, hi, Ted.

What?

What do you mean you can't make it Sunday?

A hundred and four temperature.

So what?

It's not even life-threatening until it gets up to 105.

You can make it, Ted.

Come on!

Ted!

Oh, I'm sorry, doctor.

No, I didn't mean to excite him.

Listen, if Ted regains consciousness,

could you have him... Hello?

Great! Just great!

Ted Quinn can't make the finals on Sunday.

Why not?

Oh, I don't know.

Some gibberish about infectious pneumonia.

And now our team is a man short.

What about your friend, Susan Aronson?

She's very bright.

No good, Dad. She's in the 11th grade.

Each team must consist of one player

from the 10th, 11th and 12th grades.

Where am I gonna find an incredibly bright, informed,

quick thinking 10th grader by Sunday?

Alex?

I know we don't usually get along,

but it hurts me to see you in a desperate situation like this.

I'm in 10th grade.

I'm willing to be on your team.

Maybe if we set Ted up in a glass booth,

he wouldn't infect anyone.

Come on, Alex, I'd be good!

You? Yes, her!

Alex, what is it, do you think you're the only one in

this house who's interested in academic challenge?

Yeah, I love academic challenges.

Besides, it's gonna be on television!

There's an exchange student from Brazil who's pretty bright.

Dad, by any chance could you ask some of the questions

in Portuguese? I'll adapt.

Okay. Okay.

Petey, one more question.

Grover Cleveland was elected to the presidency twice,

in 1884 and again in 1892.

Who was Cleveland's Secretary of the Treasury,

during his second term?

Uh, Petey,

I don't... I don't think this is gonna work out.

I mean, let's face it, most of the questions

are gonna be in English.

Nice try, pal.

Hey, que sera, sera.

Ciao.

Ciao.

Jennifer!

Yes?

Bring in the next guy, please.

Uh, he was the last one, Alex.

Oh, he can't be!

There's gotta be at least one qualified kid

in the 10th grade!

There are plenty of smart kids,

but none of them wanted to be on the team with you.

I can't understand that.

I merely asked them to comply with a few simple rules.

Alex, you wanted them to salute you.

I'm the captain of the team, Jennifer!

These kids have got to learn to respect authority.

So, what are you gonna do now?

I don't know. I don't know. I gotta think.

Hey, I'm sorry, Elyse.

Steven, I've been revising these plans all day!

Now, why are you so resistant to my ideas?

I'm not resistant to your ideas, Elyse.

But I just don't think theater in the round

is what we want to do here.

Are you saying you don't like it?

Well, I'm not saying that.

You do like it?

I'm not saying that.

I'm saying this is a high school quiz show not My Fair Lady.

My Fair Lady!

That's it! The quiz will be like My Fair Lady!

Well, we've got the set for it.

No, no, no, you don't understand.

What I've got to do is find my Eliza Doolittle.

A 10th grader who knows virtually

nothing about anything!

An empty vessel that I can fill with my knowledge

my insight, my wisdom.

Someone whose mind is a total blank.

A clean slate.

Mom!

Could you help me in the kitchen?

I'm trying to make a snack.

I forgot how the blender works.

Mallory.

All right, Mallory, let's turn to the next question.

Alex, we've been doing this for hours!

I'm getting tired!

She needs her rest.

Jennifer, I don't think you fully appreciate what an

enormous task I've undertaken here.

I'm taking a simple peasant girl,

whose greatest prior achievement was coordinating

her eye shadow with her sweater,

and I'm turning her into someone...

Someone who could have a conversation with me.

You're gonna have to give her more incentive than that, Alex.

Alex, let's just get this over with.

You're getting a little too pompous even for you.

Okay.

Now, we went over this one yesterday.

It's a geography question.

At the Southern tip of Chile, lies a body of water,

named for a famous explorer.

Name this body of water.

Uh, a body of water, right?

Named for the famous explorer.

Come on, now.

Southern tip of Chile?

The Hudson River.

Aw!

That's not right?

No, it's the Straits of Magellan!

Oh! You guys are still at it? It's so late.

I'm glad you're here.

We need your help with another dry run.

We've had five dry runs in the last two days, Alex.

Just one more. We're at a turning point here.

Mallory actually named all the cabinet members.

That was me, Alex.

Okay, okay. Well, we need to work.

Please, Mom, Dad, do it for Mallory.

Well, maybe for a few minutes.

Great!

Okay, Elyse, and uh, Jennifer, sit over there, representing

one team. Mallory and Alex sit here.

And I'll stand here.

Uh, maybe you should stand on the chair.

Why?

Because according to my revised, revised plan,

the moderator's podium is elevated.

Uh, yeah, well, look, I'm not quite sure we're going to

be doing it that way, Elyse.

Why not?

Well, there are a variety of factors involved.

Could you guys discuss this later, please?

I mean, it's getting late.

It's very important that Mallory get some sense of what the

actual tournament will be like. Okay, Dad? Go ahead.

Okay.

First question, in the area of mythology.

You're good at this. Remember, I showed you the pictures?

The guy with the wings on his feet?

I remember.

Okay. Who was Romulus' twin brother?

I don't know that one, Mom. Do you?

Yes.

Would you like to share it with us?

I'm not answering.

I have designed six perfectly good sets for this show, and I

don't understand why your father refuses to use any of them.

Elyse, I thought you were going to design a very simple set!

Most of our viewers will not have 3-D glasses!

Mom, Mom. Dad!

Please. We're on television here.

The question now goes over to Harding High.

Who was Romulus' twin brother?

Uh, Uncle Remus.

Not Uncle Remus. Just Remus.

Well, I'll bet he was somebody's uncle.

I mean, if Romulus had kids,

then Remus would be an uncle, wouldn't he?

I suppose he would have. Yes.

All right, then he was Uncle Remus.

Maybe we practiced enough for one day.

Anyway, I have some other plans we can look over, Steven.

Uh, actually, you can never practice too much.

Steven!

Uh, okay.

Okay. How about interlocking Plexiglas platforms.

They can be powered hydraulically.

Okay, we'll talk Plexiglas.

Okay, Mallory, let's drill a little more.

Alex, I'm tired.

Just a couple more questions.

Now, what do the letters in the acronym "SCUBA" stand for?

Well, it's kind of like skin-diving, isn't it?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Now, what do the letters stand for?

We've gone over this before.

Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus.

What did you say?

Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus.

Again?

Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus!

By George, she's got it!

Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus!

And who invented it?

Magellan.

Five minutes to air, everybody!

Hi!

Hi!

You're on one of the teams, aren't you?

Uh-huh, the Harding Team.

Great. Good luck!

Ha-ha. Thanks.

Uh, we're the guys who won the tournament last year.

Really? How exciting.

This year, we're the judges.

Really? Yeah.

I'm sort of the head judge.

Well, I'm the co-head judge.

Well, I'm the alternate head judge.

Well, it's nice to meet you all.

I'm so nervous.

Uh, hey, don't worry. You'll do fine.

I hope so.

Mallory, Mallory. I've been looking all over for you.

What are you doing talking to these clowns?

Alex, these clowns are the judges.

Hi. How're you doing.

I'm Alex Keaton.

Nice jacket!

Like the tie too.

It'll probably be back in style again real soon.

Huh.

Why didn't you tell me they were the judges?

You didn't give me a chance.

Yeah, well forget it. Forget it.

We've got a couple minutes.

Let's go over a few things here.

Uh, have you memorized the Greek alphabet yet?

No. Never mind. Never mind.

Name the four galaxies closest to the Milky Way.

Alex, stop it! You're making me more nervous.

I've been studying as hard as I can.

Just leave me alone now.

Alex. Mallory. Come on, take your places.

We're about to start.

Come on, girls. Get over here and take your places.

Hurry up there.

Yeah, great.

Get Harding High! Fight!

Okay, everybody. Just relax

and try to forget you're on TV.

Make believe nobody's watching. You'll be fine.

Okay, let's go. Count it Andy.

Five. Four. Three. Two.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Steven Keaton the station manager here at WKS,

and I'd like to welcome you to the final round

of WKS High School Quiz Off.

Let's meet our two teams.

On my right, we have the finest minds

of St. Mary's High School

Mary Catherine Robbins, Mary Beth McAllister

and Mary Margaret Dunne.

And, uh, to my left, the top minds of Harding High School

Grover Garver, Mallory Keaton, and Alex Keaton.

Uh, our judges are the champions from last year

from East High School.

Now let me remind you that, uh,

the decision of the judges is final.

And now let us begin. The first question...

It... It's easier to answer the question

when you know what the question is.

I'm quite certain I'll know it, Mr. Keaton.

Let's begin again.

Who was the last U.S. President

to be born in a log...

Cabin.

St. Mary's.

James A. Garfield.

Correct!

Now...

Born November 19th, 1831,

in Cayahoga County, Ohio. Fine.

He was shot by Charles J. Guiteau

July 2nd, 1881.

It was a Wednesday.

Very good. Mr. Guiteau was wearing.

Uh, that'll be enough Mary Margaret.

Okay, next question.

There's a body of water at the tip of southern Chile,

that's named for the first man

to circumnavigate the globe.

What is this body of water?

Alex Keaton, Harding High.

The body... To... To the camera.

Right. To the camera.

The body of water...

Five seconds, Harding.

The straits of Ma-a-a

Ma-a-a uh, Ma-a-a.

Uh, anyone else

on the Harding team?

Mallory Keaton.

Straits of Massachusetts.

No, no, I'm sorry.

The correct answer was the Straits of Magellan.

Straits of Massachusetts is incorrect.

Wait a minute, what's... The judges say "close enough."

"Wait, wait, wait. I, uh, sorry, wait a minute, that's...

That's the wrong answer.

But... But as I said before,

the decision of the judges is final.

Uh, Harding will get credit for that answer.

Uh, the score is tied, five-all.

Uh, the... The next question.

What is the name of the military alliance between

the Soviet Union and the Eastern Bloc nations?

Mary Margaret of St. Mary's.

The Treaty of Moscow?

No, I'm sorry. The question now goes

over to Harding High.

Alex Keaton.

The Wa-a-a.

Wa-a-a-a.

Mallory Keaton, Harding High.

The Warsaw Pact.

You're right! The correct answer

is The Warsaw Pact!

What is the longest suspension bridge in the United States?

Grover.

The Verrazano Narrows Bridge.

Correct! Five points for Harding!

Ah, the... The question was already answered, Mallory.

Yes. I thought you might like to know

what the 2nd longest suspension bridge

in the United States is.

No, not really.

But...

But apparently the judges do.

The Golden Gate Bridge.

Now, it's all tied.

Here's another five point bonus question.

How many bones in the human body?

Uh, that... That was... That was very close.

I... I don't think I can call it. Judges?

Mallory.

Okay, Mallory.

How many bones are in the human body?

206.

27 in each hand, 26 in each foot.

That's correct.

Now, the final question.

For 10 points,

which will decide the match.

Consider your answer carefully.

Masters and Johnson

are known for their research in what area?

Mary Catherine.

That's correct!

St. Mary's wins 145 to 140!

Thank you very much for being with us.

Good night, everybody.

Alex, Alex, are you okay?

Hey, hey Alex.

Alex, come on.

Alex!

Straits of Magellan!

Honey, are you okay?

Mom?

Dad? Is that you?

Yeah.

What happened?

Nothing serious.

You just had an attack of stage fright.

Alex, you should have seen yourself.

You looked like a zombie!

You couldn't move. You couldn't talk.

I can't believe it.

This must be a nightmare.

It's all on video tape, Alex.

You can see it for yourself.

Alex, she's exaggerating.

It wasn't that bad.

How did the team do?

Well, you lost.

But not by much.

Mallory was fantastic.

She answered questions in history, literature, biology.

You should be very proud of her.

We lost, huh?

Well, yeah, but... But Mallory...

Okay, okay. If I'm not mistaken

we have 26 days to file a complaint with the commissioner.

We can say that the captain of the team was incapacitated...

Alex! It's over!

It can't be over, we didn't win!

Excuse me.

Mr. Keaton.

Uh.

My teacher said my answer to the Crusade question is correct.

What's the difference, Mary Beth, your team won.

We want to win by more.

Isn't it possible that your teacher is wrong?

I don't think so.

She really knows her Crusades.

She'd like to talk to you.

Uh, I'll be right back.

Oh.

I was so ready for this contest, Mom.

I knew everything there was to know!

Ask me any question.

Why are you like this?

No, no, general knowledge stuff. History, literature.

Alex, can't you see what happened?

This quiz-off was supposed to be fun!

Well, maybe not on this set.

But you turned it into the Spanish Inquisition!

Spanish Inquisition. 1478 to 1834.

Pope???

See what you're doing?

I'm sorry, Mom.

Honey, you're pushing yourself too hard.

There is a limit to how much a human being can accomplish.

You've got to slow down.

Mom! Dad needs your help.

Those St. Mary's girls really have him on the ropes.

Okay. Well, I will deal with this mother to mother.

You don't look so good, Alex.

Excuse me.

I've been comatose for the past 2 hours.

I didn't have a chance to freshen up!

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

On a scale of one to ten, how obnoxious have I been to you?

Alex, I've tired of quizzes.

Just talk to me in normal sentences for a change, okay?

Okay.

I guess this has been a pretty rough week for you, huh?

Uh, it's good training.

If I ever have to stand up for questioning by the

secret police, I'm ready.

I was only doing it because I wanted our team

to win the contest.

You know, Alex, sometimes I worry about you.

You take everything so seriously.

You've gotta learn to relax more.

Have you ever thought of spending a few weeks

at a dude ranch?

Not really.

Well, why don't you just kick me or something,

every time I get out of hand?

Every time? There wouldn't be enough places to kick!

I'm sorry.

Eh. Come on, Alex. Let's go home.

Oh, this has been one of the worst days of my life.

Yeah.

Why are you smiling?

I knew the answers, Alex.

Maybe I'm smarter than I thought.

Maybe so.

What was the fifth amendment to the U.S. Constitution?

I'd answer that, but I have the right to remain silent.

Not bad. Not bad.