Original subtitles

♪ I'll bet We've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

♪ And I'll bet We'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Ooh, it's like I started breathin' ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't No nothin' ♪

♪ We can't love Each other through ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la ♪

Thanks for dinner, Mrs. Keaton. Everything was delicious.

Yes, my, uh... My wife has a way with seaweed.

Oh.

What's this over here?

That's cooked lawn. Tsk.

I mow it. I rake it.

And I cook it.

Come on, Elyse. Uh, we better get going.

The car dealers close in an hour.

What kind of car you thinking of buying?

A sports car. A station wagon.

Mallory, the whole reason for buying a new car

is to have more room for the baby.

What would be the point of buying a sports car?

I'd look great in one.

Come on, Mallory, they'd be crazy to let you

drive the new car, anyway.

I happen to be a good driver, Alex.

I passed my road test on the third try,

and I almost passed on the second try.

And she could have if the examiner

hadn't been thrown from the car.

Personally, I don't care what kind of car we buy,

as long as it doesn't have those fake hangings

from the rear of new mirror.

What are you guys gonna do tonight?

Well, Alex and I are gonna interview

some students for our new business,

the Jarrett and Keaton Tutorial Service.

That's right... Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You mean, the, uh, Keaton and Jarrett Tutorial Service.

Keaton and Associates.

Why not just Keaton?

All right. Okay. Have it your way.

Who would come to you guys to be tutored anyway?

We could get rich off your friends alone, Mal.

Well, I think it's nice

to see you guys cooperating for a change.

Well, what does that mean, Mom?

Oh, come on.

You two are the most competitive guys I know.

Us? Compete? What do we ever compete over?

Okay, Elyse, you ready to go?

Yeah, I'm all set.

Uh, Jen, you'll look after the, uh... The baby?

I think Alex will be okay on his own, Mom.

Oh, you mean, the other baby.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll stay.

We'll see you later.

Yeah, hopefully, in a Maserati.

Bye-bye.

Good night.

Okay, let's get this place cleaned up.

We are professional tutors now.

We gotta make a good impression on our tutees.

We are gonna have a very successful business,

and we're gonna be providing a service

for the college community.

And we're gonna be rich!

Right.

And we're gonna split everything

down the middle: 54, 46.

Keaton, I recognize that look in your eye.

What look?

That competitive look,

like when we were teammates in that bicycle race

and you kept trying to ride away from me

off in your own direction.

Come on, Jarrett, I saw a shortcut.

We were on a tandem bike.

And so basically, what we offer is a biweekly tutorial

on those subjects you're not performing

up to your top standards in.

That's great, but what I really need

help in is my schoolwork.

Well, that's what "tutorial" means, William.

Oh.

Okay, well, I'll see you guys Tuesday, then, huh?

Hey, by the way, where do I go?

Uh, well, the tutorial will take place here, William.

I mean, where do I go now?

Go home.

Go home.

See you Tuesday, William.

Whoo! Okay.

Hey, we did it!

We bought the Wagonmaster. We pick it up next week.

Whoa! Congratulations.

Yeah, it's... It's economical,

it's well-built, it's roomy...

It's ugly. It looks like a refrigerator on wheels.

I wanted to get the Panther 4000 Turbo XK.

It does zero to 100 in two seconds.

Mallory, I don't like buying a car

that requires a parachute to slow down.

I heard the Wagonmaster's a real nice car, Mr. Keaton.

Oh, it is a beauty, James.

The salesman says it seats eight comfortably

and, uh, ten uncomfortably.

I'm gonna go check on Andy. It's time for his bath.

Oh, I'll come with you, Elyse. I, heh...

I want to show him these dice. Heh-heh.

Okay. So who's next?

Uh, just one more. Uh, Robin Green.

I spoke to her on the phone. She sounded pretty dull.

Hey, if we can tutor William, we can tutor anyone.

Hi. I'm, uh... I'm Alex Keaton.

Robin Green. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Uh, this is my partner, uh, uh, James Jarrett.

Hi.

Uh, come in, come in, come in.

Thank you.

Would you like something to drink?

No, thanks.

Can I take your coat?

All right.

Uh, please, sit down. Have a seat. Have a seat.

This is a beautiful coat.

Thank you.

Am I in the right house for the tutoring?

Well, uh, William,

that just about wraps up today's session.

How am I doing so far?

Not bad.

You'll do even better next time

if you bring your books.

Bring books! Bring books!

Okay, uh, we'll see you Thursday. Right, William?

Okay. Okay, now, remember,

that's this Thursday, the 31st.

Thirty days has Thursday, April...

It's a good thing we don't offer a money-back guarantee.

Okay, who's next on the schedule tonight?

Uh... gee.

Uh, who's next?

Uh, Eddie Fenton canceled,

so it's just, uh... Robin.

Robin.

Yeah. Robin.

Right! Robin!

Alex, let's be honest with each other.

I think it's safe to say

that Robin is a girl that one might consider to be...

attractive.

Really?

Yeah, okay, now that you mention it,

I... I can see how one might find her attractive...

Sensuous...

Incredibly erotic.

Though, personally, I hadn't noticed.

I hadn't either,

but, you know, if two guys are trying to run a business

and they were to compete over something like, say, a girl...

Oh, pfft!

It could destroy

the whole foundation of their partnership.

Of course it could, so, uh... So they shouldn't compete.

Right. So let's not.

Right. Let's, uh... Let's remain cool.

Detached.

Professional.

Professional. Right.

Professional.

Right.

Hello.

Robin! Gee, I had completely forgotten

it was your night tonight.

Enter. Enter.

Well, I brought my economics and my poetry books.

Who's gonna tutor me first?

I am.

Well, it doesn't matter to me.

All I know is that when I study,

whatever I do last stays with me best.

Then, uh... Then do poetry first.

Do poetry, take your time.

I'll be, uh, back in, what, roughly 40 minutes.

James, that is really funny.

See, I bet you never thought

that Aleksandr Pushkin was such an amusing poet.

Ooh, but I always suspected it.

Forty minutes. Time's up.

Alex, that could not have been 40 minutes.

You guys run a tight ship here.

Evidently, though we seem to be a little lacking

in professional courtesy.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm professional, buddy.

I don't giggle when I tutor.

You know, James is really wonderful.

He is?

He is one of the brightest and most interesting people

I've met since I've been at Leland.

Yeah, well, uh... Yeah.

He does make a good first impression,

in a superficial sort of way.

Although I-I think you'll find

that I'm pretty bright and amusing

in my own right,

only with more depth.

I'm sure I will.

Uh, uh, Robin,

uh...

would you like to go out with me tomorrow night?

That's really nice of you to ask, Alex,

but James already invited me

to a poetry reading tomorrow night.

I can't believe him!

Great! Great.

Excuse me. Alex, can I use the phone in the other room?

Sure. Go... Go ahead.

Forgot a book.

How could you?

I just forgot it, that's all.

Nah, nah, nah. You forgot more than a book.

You forgot our agreement. You asked her out!

And so did you!

How did you know?

I was listening at the door.

Oh. How dare you.

That's it, Jarrett. That's it.

Our partnership is over.

Suits me just fine.

Ah...

It was an ant.

"And make certain to unfasten your seat belt

before getting out of the car. "

Dad, how much longer do we have to do this?

There's only one more section to go.

Ah. "Your trunk and welcome to it. "

Oh, Steven! Dad! Dad!

That's it. I cannot handle it anymore.

Now, where are you going?

Thought I'd drive the new car over to Chrissie's house.

Oh, she's kidding.

It's Mrs. Olbeck!

She got the new Panther Turbo.

I can't believe it.

I specifically set aside this time

to play with the baby, and he's asleep.

Hey, Mom, I love that kid,

but he's inconsiderate.

Alex, you've been in a bad mood all day.

What's your problem?

It's you, Mallory.

Nah, I'm sorry. It's not you.

It was just a reflex.

It's James.

What happened?

Oh, Dad, you're not gonna believe this when you hear it.

I mean, are you ready for this?

He invited Robin Green to a poetry reading.

And he always seemed so nice.

No, no, Dad, you don't understand.

You see, she's one of our tutees.

Who's your other T?

Ah...

Anyway...

You see, James and I are both attracted to this girl.

So we made a gentleman's agreement

not to ask her out.

Why?

It's obvious, Elyse, without such a contract,

they might compete for her

and destroy their friendship in the process.

That's ridiculous.

They should be stronger than that.

Well, Elyse, the male ego is a very fragile thing.

Oh, that's stupid.

I'm hurt.

Alex, I'm surprised that James would do such a thing.

Yeah, me too, but he did.

Well, now, how did you find out about this?

Well, because, uh, she told me...

when I asked her out for tonight.

Well, if you asked her out,

then you are just as guilty as James.

No, no. That's not true, Mom.

You see, I only asked her out because I suspected

that James had asked her out, which he had.

I- it was entirely a defensive move on my part.

And had we gone out, it... It would have been purely a...

A preemptive tactical date.

How romantic.

Hey, hey, no way! I'm tired. I don't wanna play now.

Coming, Andy.

Wait. Mom, Mom. Dad.

Mallory, uh, Mallory, listen.

You gotta help me out with something.

You're, uh, sort of a girl.

James and I are both attracted to the same girl.

Now, what would you do

if you had two good-looking, intelligent guys

interested in you?

What's that got to do with you and James?

Come on, Mallory.

All right.

Look, if a guy was interested in me,

I'd wanna know about it.

Really?

Look, all you can do is express how you feel.

And if you and Robin are meant to be together,

it'll happen naturally.

Just be yourself.

Okay.

See, that's a... That's a very sensitive,

perceptive point, Mallory.

Thanks.

I read it in Cosmopolitan.

Well, well! Robin, James.

What a surprise.

Hi, Alex. It's good to see you.

Yeah, well, I never miss a poetry reading.

I have season tickets.

May I have your attention, please.

This evening, the poetry club

is pleased to have with us

the Horace Newton award-winner for poetry,

Zane Axelrod.

Mr. Axelrod is one of the best,

the most incomprehensible poets of his generation.

Where are the chairs?

Just sit on the floor, Alex.

Right. The floor.

Bohemians.

Mr. Axelrod.

"The Nuclear Holocaust and You," a Christmas poem.

Intercontinental ballistic

missiles,

assembled in the silos of our soul,

multiple warheads.

The fragments of our unfulfillment.

Boom! Boom! Boom!

Bomb shelters...

Whatever happened to "Hickory Dickory Dock"?

Shh!

This is art, Alex,

something you obviously know nothing about.

Oh, hey, hey, hey. Don't, uh...

Don't...

Don't pretend to be Mr. Culture.

You're only here for one reason, and you know it.

Born pure and tarnished by distrust,

or...

born tarnished, searching for a shine?

Boom. Boom. Sha-boom.

I can't believe you'd be so low

as to just barge in on my date.

Ah! A date! A date. So you admit it's a date.

I admit nothing.

Why don't you get lost, Keaton.

Oh, yeah? Who's gonna make me?

I am!

No, I am.

Hey, this is a private discussion,

so, uh, you want to just stick to your stupid poetry?

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm rubber and you're glue.

Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

This guy's good.

What is it with you two?

A few weeks ago, you seemed so mature.

And now you've turned into a couple of third graders.

He did first! Oh, did not!

Look, Robin, we both obviously like you a lot,

and I think the ball is in your court now.

Look, Robin, you can settle this whole thing right now

by just saying which one of us you like better.

I never had the chance to find out!

I hardly know either of you, and... And all of a sudden

I'm in the middle of some kind of tug of war.

I don't enjoy being the object

of some adolescent competition,

and until the two of you grow up,

I don't want to spend any more time

with either of you.

I still haven't got the baby seat in.

I wanna swing by the hardware store

and get an acetylene torch and a power wrench.

I have to take out the back seat.

Steven, that's ridiculous.

Bet we wouldn't have this problem

with the Maserati.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Alex, I'm glad you're here.

We need the Volvo to go shopping.

Oh, Dad, uh, still hasn't figured out

the new car yet, huh?

You got it.

All set, let's go.

Oh, Alex, he, uh... Andrew needs to be changed.

All right. Wa... No! Mom, Mom, wait a minute.

Don't do this to me, Mom! I've only had one lesson, Mom...

All right. Okay.

Andy, it's just you and me.

Bear with me.

Okay. I know this seems like

a great deal to you, but, uh...

you know, you're gonna have to give it up sooner or later.

Yeah, hold on.

Just... try and stay in that position.

Oh, it's you. What do you want?

I just came by to pick up some of my books.

Well, come in and get 'em.

What are you doing?

I'm gardening.

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm changing Andrew.

Oh. Need any help?

No, I don't need any help.

I am perfectly capable...

Could you, uh, hold this leg

and, uh, grab a diaper?

How could you bust up my date like that?

Aw, hey! You shouldn't have been on that date in the first place.

Gimme the powder.

Here's the powder, and you shouldn't

have asked her out either.

Hey, I only asked her out

because I knew you were gonna ask her out, which you did.

Pins.

And I only asked her out because I knew you were going to.

And you did. Here are the pins.

Yeah, well, uh, thanks to you, I made a fool of myself.

I made a fool out of myself too.

Okay, uh...

all done here.

There you go.

That doesn't look right.

No, let's try again.

You know, Alex, when I left the poetry reading,

I took a walk down Foxwood Road

past the Little League field.

Remember that team we used to play on?

Wilson's House of Fine Lingerie?

We had the nicest uniforms in the league.

Lace cuffs.

See-through jerseys.

When I was standing there,

I thought of all the stuff

we've been through together:

all the Cub Scout meetings, the camping trips,

the low-interest loans you've given me.

We're supposed to be friends, Alex.

Why are we always competing?

Competition is the backbone of our relationship, James.

I mean, we just push each other to do better.

Whoa, okay. Moment of truth.

You want to put your finger right there?

Here? Yeah. Right. And... got it.

Oh... Okay. All right.

Okay. There you go. All right!

Mwah.

There you go.

Well, we're still a great team.

Yeah, you know, this could be our new business:

uh, Keaton and Jarrett, Tutoring and Diapering.

No, you mean, Jarrett and Keaton,

Diapering and Tutoring.

No, that's not what I said. I said...

That's what I meant to say.

And I meant to say what you said.

It's gonna be a great business.

"We'll keep your grades high... "

"And your babies dry. "