Original subtitles

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Mom, I still don't think

that a woman in your condition

should be traveling alone.

Alex, you know, if you had it your way,

Mom would be locked in her room for nine months

wearing a veil.

Oh, come on. That is not true.

I see no need for a veil.

Mom, what if you have the baby on the plane?

Well, then we name her Amelia Earhart Keaton.

Don't worry, honey, I'm not gonna

have the baby on the plane.

Elyse, are you sure

you don't want me to come with you?

Oh, no, honey. The kids need you here.

Anyway, what would you do at a convention

with 200 women architects?

Arm wrestle for money?

Hi, there, folks.

Oh, my God. It's time.

You're going to the hospital, right?

You're gonna have...

I... I had a feeling it was gonna be today.

No, no, Skippy. I...

I'm not having the baby today.

I'm going to Michigan.

Oh, I see.

You want the baby to have dual citizenship.

No, Skippy, I'm... Never mind, Elyse.

Mallory, try and explain it to him.

Elyse, come on. You're gonna miss your plane.

Oh! Oh, yes, yes. Goodbye, sweetheart.

Come on, walk me to the car. Be good.

Don't forget this. Oh, thank you, love.

Bye.

So, uh...

I'm free for the afternoon.

Why are you telling me?

Because I thought we might do something together.

Oh, Skippy, I've got a friend coming over.

We're gonna try on new makeup and set each other's hair.

What's his name?

Jane.

Jane?

Funny name for a guy.

Hey, Mal?

Found this girl wandering around outside.

She claims she's a friend of yours.

I have a name.

Oh, congratulations.

It's Jane.

Oh, and you know it too.

You're brighter than most of Mal's friends.

Hi, Mallory.

Hi, Jane.

That's my brother. I apologize.

Uh, what's this?

Oh, that's Skippy.

Just think of him as a lamp.

Oh, Skip?

What's wrong with him?

I don't know.

Yo, Skippy.

Alex.

What happened to you, Skip?

What happened?

Suddenly my life has meaning.

Suddenly...

I- I know why I was put here on planet Earth.

Suddenly I feel alive!

Is he about to sing?

I just met the girl of my dreams, right...

Right here in this very room.

Look, Skippy, we all know how you feel about Mallory.

No. No, I'm not talking about Mallory.

I'm talking about the other one.

The one with the funny name.

Jane?

I better write it down.

Jane.

Jane.

J- A-N-E.

Isn't this a little sudden, Skip?

I mean, you just met this girl.

Alex, it was love at first sight.

I will not rest until I have made that girl mine.

How are you planning to do that?

Well, I was kinda hoping you'd talk to her for me.

No way, Skip. Oh!

Just keep me out of this, all right? Alex, please?

You've gotta help me.

You know I can't talk to girls.

I- I...

I get too nervous.

I... I get all tongue-tied.

I try to speak, but I...

I... I just freeze up.

I... I don't know what to say.

Well, uh, tell her about yourself, you know?

Discuss your good qualities.

Okay.

What are they?

Well, uh, you...

have never been convicted of a federal offense.

Okay.

You, uh...

You buy your clothes right off the rack.

And you don't spit when you talk.

I better write these down.

I'll get a notebook.

Skippy, you don't need a notebook.

You're not gonna have any trouble talking to her.

She's just a girl, right?

You're gonna be okay.

We're gonna get something to eat.

You guys want anything?

Uh, no. No, not... Not... Not right now.

Um...

Yes?

Well, I haven't heard anyone comment

on my soybeans Rockefeller yet.

It's not that bad.

No, I saw a mouse! There he goes!

Over there by Alex!

Oh!

There he goes!

He went into the pantry!

Alex, help Dad!

I'm checking the light fixture.

Alex, mice can't fly.

Ohhh. Oh, yeah, you ever hear of Mighty Mouse, Jen?

Was he wearing a cape, Dad?

There it goes, into the dining room!

No problem!

I'll help you, Dad.

Hi, Alex.

Hi, Skippy.

Hi, Skippy. Oh, hi.

Uh, Alex, did you get a chance to talk to her yet?

Skippy, didn't you hear me?

I just said hi to you.

Yeah, yeah, I heard you.

Hi. Uh, Alex, did you get a chance to talk to Jane yet?

Uh, no. No, not yet.

Why do you want Alex to talk to Jane?

Actually, Skippy's got a bit of a crush on her.

Oh, really?

Actually,

he's crazy about her.

Oh, really?

This is kinda sudden, Skippy.

I mean, you never even talked to the girl.

You don't know anything about her.

Anyway, I thought we had some sort of understanding.

You worship me, and I reject you.

Mallory, those were wonderful years.

But... it's over.

Try to be strong.

By the way, does Jane talk about me much?

She doesn't even know you exist.

That's good.

Because once they know I exist,

that's when I run into trouble.

If she means that much to you,

I'll talk to her.

I don't know how that mouse got away.

I was sure I had him cornered.

Face it, Dad:

he was toying with you.

I'll get him, Jennifer.

He's in this house somewhere.

And I'll find him.

I'm not so sure, Dad.

This is one smart mouse.

Not smarter than you and I put together.

Come on, write this down.

All right, we're gonna need some, uh...

Some plywood. A couple of hinges.

Some nails.

Uhhh... Chicken wire.

A bell.

A quart of varnish.

And some cheese.

You know, Mr. Keaton,

my dad, uh, once built a mousetrap.

But it never worked.

Maybe he didn't use the right kind of bait.

No. No, no. The bait was fine.

I know because I used to eat it

before the mouse could get to it.

Come on, Jen, let's work on these plans upstairs.

Oh, uh, can I come?

I... I might be of some use.

Sure, Skip.

Yeah, coming.

Hi, uh, Jane.

What a... What a pleasant surprise.

Sorry to bother you, Alex.

I'm just here to study with Mallory.

Oh, well, no...

No bother.

No bother at all, Jane.

Uh, come on in. Sit down. Sit down.

So, uh, what are you studying there?

Medieval English poetry.

Oh, really? Uh...

Do you know who is a real expert

on medieval English poetry?

Skippy.

Skippy?

Uh, yeah. Skippy, uh, Handleman.

Remember the, uh...

The... The tall, good-looking fella

who was here yesterday?

You mean the lamp?

Uh, Jane, can I...?

Can I ask you a personal question?

Go ahead.

Are you seeing anybody right now?

I mean, do you have a boyfriend?

No one special.

Oh, so in other words, you are not dating anyone

on a regular basis?

No. That's great news.

That is great news. I'm very glad to hear that.

Really? Oh, yeah.

I can't think of anything

that would make me happier.

I can't think of anything that would make me happier

than hearing you say that, Alex.

What do you mean, Jane?

Alex, I've had a desperate, passionate yearning for you

ever since I was a little kid.

Oh.

Oh, that's what you mean.

I didn't know you then, Jane.

But I knew you.

I used to watch you across the playground

when you were playing with the big kids.

And in high school when you ran

for student council president,

I voted for you...

300 times.

I'm sorry you didn't win.

Well, you did all you could.

Alex, I've waited for this all my life.

That was a terrific kiss, Alex.

Thank you.

You know who's also a terrific kisser?

Skippy.

How do you know?

We went to kissing school together.

You sure you wanna talk about Skippy?

Who?

Alex, you've been telling Jane about me

for three days.

When am I gonna get to go out with her?

Well, I'm... I'm not through

telling her about you yet, Skip.

How much is there to tell?

Your life is not easy to explain.

You're a...

You're a very, very complicated guy.

Now, why don't you just go home and be patient, and...

And I'll let you know how it's going.

All right, I'm gonna go home and practice

for when I get to talk to her.

Good idea. Good idea.

Hello, Jane. I'm Skippy.

Skippy sounds so babyish.

Hello, Jane. I'm Ricardo Montalban.

That's it.

Hey, Alex. Dad, are you sure

this mousetrap won't hurt the mouse?

I'm positive.

It'll just, uh, trap him in the box.

Then we'll just set him loose in a field somewhere.

Poor mouse.

We'll be taking him far from his home.

To a place where he doesn't have any friends.

Maybe doesn't even speak the language.

He'll be lost,

homesick, lonely.

What kind of life is that? Oh, but...

But on the other hand, it'll open up new,

exciting opportunities for him.

E- Expand his horizons.

Give him the kind of life he's always dreamed of having.

He's a mouse, Dad, not an exchange student.

I'll go put another coat of varnish on this.

All right.

Ahem. Hello.

Uh, hi, Jane.

Uh, just thinking about me, huh?

What a coincidence.

I was just thinking about me too.

Uh... no.

No, no, no, no.

Not... Not... Not on the phone, Jane.

No. No, come on, please. Just not on the ph...

All right.

All... All right. Okay, uh...

B- Bye-bye.

Who was that?

Skippy's girlfriend.

How are they getting along?

Dad, this has gotten completely out of hand.

You see, Skippy saw Jane,

and he fell instantly in love with her.

And he tried to talk to her,

but all he could get out was

mlaaaah.

So he asked me to try and talk to her, which I did.

Only to find out that she's been in love with me

since the first grade.

So Skippy thinks I've been telling her

about him for three days,

but every time I- I bring up his name,

she cuts me off with a kiss.

Whew.

How much of this does Skippy know?

Uh, everything up to the mlaaaah.

I see.

What am I gonna do, Dad?

Well, let's face it, Alex.

If you wanted to,

you could've put a stop to this.

Yeah, but...

I'm attracted to her, Dad.

And she's attracted to me.

We're beginning to develop a very significant,

very meaningful lust...

for each other.

Well, look.

Alex, obviously this girl

is a lot more important to Skippy

than she is to you.

I think you know what you should do.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Dad.

I should've put a stop to this

a long time ago.

And I'm going to right now.

Or at the very least next week.

Alex. All right, I'll call her.

Hi, Jane.

Yeah. Yeah, it's me again.

Uh, listen, I was wondering,

how would you like to have dinner at Guido's?

Oh, that much, huh?

All right. Uh, okay. Yeah, oh, it'll...

It'll be great.

Uh, candlelight and...

quiet music.

And Skippy.

I'm very nervous. I'm more than nervous.

I'm petrified.

What if I...? If I say the wrong thing?

What if I do the wrong thing?

Look, Skippy, just...

trust your instincts, okay?

You can't go wrong. All right.

I, uh...

I brought along $10.

I thought I might give it to Jane as a gift.

On second thought, ignore your instincts. Okay?

I can do that.

Do that. Sure.

Hello, guys. Oh, Jane, uh...

Won't you join us?

Uhhh...

You'll have to excuse Skippy.

He's just feeling a little, uh,

peppy tonight.

Why don't we all just sit down and...

And get to know each other a little better.

I'm all for that.

So...

So, Skippy, uh,

why don't you tell Jane

a little bit about yourself, huh?

Tell her about that time

you saved your little sister's life.

Well, it was nothing, really.

It was, uh...

just a matter of simple reflexes, that's all.

I'm gonna go wash my hands, okay?

Uh, you two get to know each other

a little better while I'm gone.

Please don't leave me.

Uh, Skippy.

We're very close.

Skippy, I'll be right back, okay?

So how long have you known Alex?

I can't remember. Do you live next door

or across the street from Alex?

Are you all right?

You're not having some kind of attack, are you?

No!

Good.

I'm really glad we had this opportunity to talk.

Great. Hi.

I hope I gave you two enough time alone together.

I think so.

Excuse me.

Uh...

I'm gonna go wash my hair.

Skippy, you mean your hands.

Right. I mean, I'm gonna wash the hair on my hands.

He's quite a guy, isn't he?

I'll say.

I missed you while you were gone, Alex.

Uhhh...

I... I was only gone for two minutes, Jane.

I don't know what it is about you, Alex.

but you bring out the animal in me.

Hope I'm not being too forward.

I understand.

Hi, we're here to pick up a pizza for Keaton, please.

Mallory, look.

Jennifer and Mallory.

What are you...? What are you guys doing here?

Um, we're...

Come on over and say hello to Alex and Jane.

Uh, no, Skippy, don't go over there.

Why not?

Um...

I'm sorry, Mallory, but I'm spoken for.

Better be getting back to my date.

Uh, Skippy, don't.

Uh...

I... I can explain this. No, Alex.

Don't bother explaining.

I... I think I can see what's going on here.

And so I-I... I turn around,

and there's Alex kissing Jane.

He was kissing her.

Hey.

Look at me when I'm talking to you.

Now... Now, pay attention.

Move over here to the glass.

March!

Hi, uh, can I come in?

This is Alex.

Hide your women.

Come on, Skippy.

I owe you an apology.

Alex, you ruined the whole evening.

The date was going so well up until then.

I mean, she was really starting to warm up to me.

Look, you gotta understand,

she has been in love with me since the first grade.

She idolizes me.

Wh... When I ran for student council president,

she voted for me 300 times.

So did I.

Sorry you didn't win.

Skippy, we just... We gotta talk this thing out.

No. No, Alex. I- I don't wanna talk.

Skippy, we've been friends for too long

for you to just...

bounce out of my life.

You stabbed me in the back, Alex.

I know I did, Skippy, and I'm sorry.

I was wrong, I...

Look, this is ridiculous, Skippy.

Will you stop doing that?

I can't stop, Alex.

Skippy, listen to me.

I'm sorry about everything.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

But you did, Alex.

I've always trusted you.

I know you have, Skip, and...

I'm, uh... I'm gonna stand up.

Alex, why did you do it?

You could you out with any girl you want.

Why couldn't you just say no?

Come on, Skippy, it is not that simple.

It's like there's two Alexes, you know?

There's, uh... There's a good Alex.

And there's a bad Alex.

The good Alex said, "Leave her alone.

She's Skippy's girl. "

What did the bad Alex say?

"Shut up, good Alex. Take her, she's yours. "

Shut up, bad Alex.

Don't worry, Skippy, I'm, uh...

I'm not listening to him anymore.

Look, you're my friend. You know?

And that's the important thing.

I just wanna be worthy of your friendship.

All right.

You know, it's... It's partially my fault, Alex.

Maybe next time you'll speak for yourself.

You know, you really gotta

give yourself more credit, Skippy.

You know, you are a wonderful guy.

If I'm such a...

A... A wonderful guy,

why aren't there any girls that like me?

You have to be patient, Skip.

I mean, somewhere out there

is a girl who is gonna love you.

A very special girl.

Maybe that's her now.

Hi, Skip, I just wanted to see if you were all right.

Yeah. Yeah, I, uh...

I guess I am.

You know, Mallory, there are two Skippys.

A good Skippy and a bad Skippy.

Would you like to go out

with either of us on Friday night?

No.

No.

Great to be back, guys.