Original subtitles

Good evening, I'm Bret Baier, and to clear the air, yes,

I do look like someone made a businessman in Minecraft.

Tonight I am speaking to Vice President Kamala Harris.

Let's welcome her now to Fox News.

Well, thank you, Bret.

Pleasure to have you here with us.

Thank you, Bret.

The pleasure is neither about us.

Well, thank you, Madam Vice President.

Now, when I interviewed President Trump, my first question was, what do you think

is the most important issue facing our nation?

So my first question for you is, give me the exact

number of murderers you let loose in this country.

Well, Bret, I'm glad you brought up the topic of immigration.

A million?

Two million?

Okay, the first thing we did in office was to introduce a bill.

Ten million?

Give me a number.

Bret, we came up with a bipartisan bill.

But did it have a number, though?

May I please finish?

I'm asking you to.

Well, then you have to listen.

Well, I can't because I'm talking.

Well, when will you stop?

Maybe when I go to bed.

Okay.

Bret, look.

I am the only candidate who has prosecuted transnational criminal organizations.

I brought down the Sinaloa cartel.

I brought down the Guadalajara cartel.

If I was in Breaking Bad, it would have ended in three episodes.

Madam Vice President, are you here to answer

questions, or are you just looking for a viral moment?

Oh, please.

I am not looking for a viral moment.

See how I don't let men interrupt my answers?

Very demure, very mindful.

Okay, now you're just throwing out memes.

That is not true.

I am here to reach across the aisle.

Hundreds of Republicans have endorsed me because in da clurb, we all fam.

I'm not familiar with the clurb, but are we all fam?

Ma 'am, you've been pretty divisive.

You've called Donald Trump unfit.

Yes.

Unstable.

Yep.

Not able to lead.

Period.

Unchecked.

Did I stutter?

Look, Donald Trump talks about the enemy within.

He said he would turn the military on the American people.

We actually asked the former president about this today.

Take a look.

Mr. President, thank you for coming to this women's town hall full of undecided

women voters, who we found at a Trump rally.

Now, Kamala Harris has called you unhinged and a danger.

What do you say to that?

You know, I heard about that.

They said I was threatening.

Not true.

I would never threaten anything except perhaps violence.

But they do phony investigations.

Okay, I've been investigated more than Alphonse

Capone, who famously did nothing wrong.

Scarface!

Al Pacino.

Pacino, you know, he said he briefly died from COVID, one of the great hoaxes.

You know, that was started by Joe Biden.

The Biden crime family, right?

Families are disappearing.

You know, kids are... Kids are going back to school.

And they're coming back a different gender.

You know, they're going to Zoltar's and they're coming back big.

Swilly and Shane.

You know, they're switching bodies.

They're doing Freaky Fridays and Hannah Montana's.

You know, we're a failing country.

America is a terrible place full of jerks and idiots.

But we love it.

It's really bad.

With all due respect, that is not the right clip.

Well, actually, it was.

No, no, no.

Well, he answered.

He who?

Look.

No.

You.

Are.

Going.

To.

Like.

The.

Way.

You.

Look.

I guarantee it.

Okay.

Okay.

Enough, Lego man.

Just... Just play the correct clip of Donald Trump.

Fine.

Roll it.

YMCA.

Oh!

YMCA.

Oh!

YMCA.

Oh!

We're doing a music.

We're doing a music.

I think you have to admit, he makes a pretty compelling argument.

Look.

He can dance all he wants.

To YMCA.

Or to any other music.

Is there another song he doesn't realize is a gay anthem?

See, this election is about contrast.

At my rallies, there's Beyoncé and joy and bathrooms.

At his rallies, he won't pay for the buses.

And hundreds of elderly people got to walk back to their cars six miles through the

desert like an Old Testament fire festival.

So are you saying Trump voters are misguided?

Are they stupid?

Oh, no, I would never say that.

Are they idiots who can't think for themselves?

Are they morons?

Slack jaws?

Stump humpers?

Cross-eyed meatheads?

Brett, Brett, you're trying real hard to make me say something bad.

But they're at least fat, right?

Some of them are very fat.

Okay, Brett, let's move on.

Okay, fine.

So you're not denying that they're fat?

Oh, my dear God!

You're very sexy when you're angry, you know that?

Yes, I do.

Next question.

I want to ask you about Joe Biden.

Here's what he recently said about you and your candidacy.

Okay, look.

Here's the deal.

It's a total tragedy.

I'm not kidding around.

Everything she touches will be destroyed.

No joke.

Watch out, Florida.

Brett, Brett, he's clearly talking about the hurricane.

He said, watch out, Florida.

Why do you keep playing these misleading clips?

I don't, but here's some more.

Folks, we have other problems on our hands.

I'm being serious.

Come on.

Four years ago, it was amazing.

It was the guy you wanted.

But now they got this girl.

And people are going, what's she doing here?

Come on.

Okay.

Brett, you and I both know he's talking about the new Joker movie with Lady Gaga.

Can you keep rolling it, please?

And why is she singing?

What's a foley do?

What's a gaga gaga guga?

What is it?

Come on.

No Joker.

No joke.

Okay.

Maybe you're right, but while...

While we're on the topic, when did you first notice

that Joe Biden's mental faculties were diminished?

Brett, I have watched Joe Biden from the Oval Office to the Situation Room.

And Joe Biden is Joe bright.

He is Joe brilliant.

But my presidency will Joe basically Joe be.

Joe billion times Joe better.

So your presidency would be different than Biden's?

Of course.

We're very different.

For example, I am comfortable saying the word abortion.

Gah!

You can't handle that, Brett?

Abortion.

Gah!

Uterus.

No!

Menstruation.

You're lying!

I've got to hit her back with the male equivalent balls.

Okay, Brett.

I can handle that.

I am here doing an interview with an openly hostile

network, and Trump has canceled all of his interviews.

That's not true.

Donald Trump just did a town hall with his sworn enemy Univision.

Let's take a look.

Mr. President.

I want to give you the opportunity to win back my vote.

After what happened on January 6th, why would I support you?

I'm just going to make it crystal clear, okay?

January 6th was a day of love, all right?

Love and peace.

It was basically Woodstock.

People were being peaceful.

No one died, except for the few that did.

And so, now that I got your vote, let's dance.

Does he not listen to the lyrics?

Before we wrap up, tell us why the American people should vote for you.

Because I have a plan.

Oh, what is it?

Well, I'm trying to tell you.

I'm trying to listen.

Then stop talking.

I don't know how.

Just shut your mouth.

I don't think it does.

Okay.

May I finish?

Go ahead.

The American people... Not now, though.

The American people... Are you excited for Wicked?

The American people are... That was fun, right?

I had fun.

We're out of time.

Thanks for joining me.

Okay.

Before I go, can I just say the thing I've been trying to say this whole time?

Fine.

Go ahead.

Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

It's Saturday Night Live...

by CharadaBR

with...

Featuring...

A film by Please Don't Destroy...

Musical Guest...

Billy Eilish

And your host...

Michael Keaton...

Ladies and gentlemen... Michael Keaton!

Thank you.

That's very nice.

Man, I am excited to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live 50th season.

50 years.

Man, that's amazing.

You know, when this show first premiered in 1975,

I was working on a different show in Pittsburgh.

I was a P.A.

on Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood at WQED.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And in the 70s, you know, actually, SNL and Mr. Rogers

had a lot more similarities than you'd think.

A lot of puppets.

Tons of cocaine.

Yeah, anyway...

Fred was a great guy.

He's everything you thought he was.

But right now, I want to talk about this movie I have coming

out right now, which is called Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.

And you know, with Halloween coming up, I know I'm going to see a lot of those

little kids out there dressed just like Beetlejuice, which is adorable.

And I'll also see a lot of grown men dressed up like Beetlejuice, too.

Usually guys in their 40s, which is less adorable.

The juice is loose.

There you go.

Okay, Mikey Day.

Hey, how you doing, man?

Yeah, that's good.

Woo!

Come on!

Come on!

Hey, this is Mike.

How's it going, Mike?

Sure.

I love Beetlejuice.

It's my favorite.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

Can you say, it's showtime?

Look, to be honest, I don't even remember how I said it.

Well, I do.

Okay, okay.

Andy Samberg, you, too.

Oh, yeah.

That's right, Mike.

Mike, here's the thing.

I used to work here.

And during my story tenure, I tried and failed many times to get my B.J.

into the show.

Hey, hey, hey.

Please don't say B.J.

Just call him Beetlejuice.

Don't say the name.

Three times and I'm gone.

Remember?

Yeah.

From the film.

So good.

So good.

But in all seriousness, Mike.

Saying words.

You hate him, right?

I hate him myself.

Save that for later.

Yeah, that's really great.

That's really great.

Let me ask you a question, though.

Don't you normally play Doug Emhoff in the cold open?

No.

Yeah.

The writers couldn't jam him in this week.

So here we find ourselves.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got you.

I got you.

Hi.

Oh, man.

Oh, boy.

Okay.

I see Sherman lurking in the wings.

Sarah, really.

Look.

We don't have time for another Beetlejuice.

So... Oh, no.

This is just how I dress.

But thank you so much.

Know what I mean?

You know, you guys are quoting a lot of lines from the first movie.

Did you see the second?

Not yet.

Yeah.

It's on the list.

All right.

All right.

Yeah.

Great.

Okay.

How long do you guys think you're gonna stand up here with me?

Until you do the voice.

We'd really like to hear the voice.

Come on.

Come on.

Not gonna happen.

Uh-uh.

Please?

We got a great show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Guilty.

No, she's a nut.

Hey, Shop TV shoppers.

Rhett and Lindy here.

And it's spooktober in the Shop TV studio.

And everybody's getting silly.

We got a minion running our dang camera over there.

Look at that.

Hey.

Minion.

Hey, does Drew know you got a second job there, Roy?

Banana.

Oh.

Banana?

Wow.

Well, in the next hour, we've got spooktacular

savings so good, even the ghosts will be howling.

You're supposed to play a sound effect, Odell.

Odell.

Of a ghost moaning.

What the heck are you up to, Odell?

Oh, it is spooktober.

Yes.

Well, our first item for sale today comes from Toby, the cookie guy.

Wallet.

Hey, Rhett, Lindy.

Happy cookie-ween.

And happy Halloween.

Thank you.

Oh, you're too much.

Yes.

But what do you got for us today?

Well, now, I don't normally like to scare my

customers, but I'll make an exception on Halloween.

Uh-oh.

I'm selling a jumbo cookie that looks like a zombie eyeball.

Oh.

Well, yuck and yum.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it comes in this fun souvenir box right here.

Oh, look at that.

Yeah.

For a low price of guess how much?

$14.99.

Oh, my God.

What?

Yeah, that's right.

That's all it is.

Okay.

Well, do you have one of these cookies unwrapped?

We can show the shoppers.

I sure do.

Yeah.

Yummy.

Yes, sir.

Yummy.

Let's see.

All right.

Ooh, there we go.

Look at that.

Oh, look at that.

Oh.

And that eyeball.

Oh, that is so pink.

I don't... In the middle there.

Yeah.

That is so pink.

Well, it's a zombie eye.

It's a zombie eye, so it's bloodshot.

Yeah.

I might have gone with a blue eye myself, but tell us about the flavors,

a little tip.

Yeah.

Tell us about the flavors, a little bit.

Well, classic vanilla sponge cake, and look how soft and squishy it is.

Oh, no.

Oh.

No, no, no.

Get off of that.

Yeah.

Let's get off that close-up.

Get off that.

Widen out, Odell.

Widen out.

You know, I always say squishy is delishy.

Oh.

That's fun.

Yeah.

And I think everybody at home knows how soft

it is, so you can stop feeling it like that.

Okay.

And you know what?

I want to also say I used all organic ingredients.

I mean, they look so good.

People think they're fake, but they're not.

They're all natural.

Oh.

No.

I'm a big naturals guy.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, don't say it like that.

Yeah.

Well, you know what?

Let's go to the phones.

How about that?

Caller, are you excited to order one of these zombie eyes?

Zombie eyes?

I thought that cookie was supposed to be like a delicious white woman's tit.

Hang up on him.

Oh, baby.

That's gross.

Shame on you, sir.

Oh.

Shame on you.

Oh.

Icky.

Icky.

Oh.

Oh.

Look, I just want to add that it's not just vanilla sponge.

This part here is actually red velvet.

Oh.

-Oh, it's so hard. -It's so...

-No, no. People can't...

The people can't... look, feel that.

-I know it's so nice. -You're just being so delicate with it.

-Well, I'll be a little darker.

I'll be a little darker.

-Not now. Oh, no. -Camera. -Camera, stop going close.

Okay, Toby, why don't you go ahead and tell us

about the special offer you have for our ShopTV viewers?

Oh.

If you order the next hour, I'll throw in a second...

Look at that.

Look at that.

Look at that.

Right there.

Yeah.

I want to get these things out of my mouth right now.

Okay.

Do that.

Let's not do that.

Okay.

Let's go to a caller.

How about that?

Caller?

You on Shop TV?

Hi, there.

Do those cookies come in different ethnicities?

Hang up.

Oh, Icky.

Icky.

Icky. Gross.

Shame on you.

Icky.

Well, Toby, your cookies are already a hit.

It says here you just got an order for 500 cookies.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

That order comes from Pelican Bay State Prison in California.

Oh.

Thanks, fellas.

Mm-hmm.

Well, $14.99 for two zombie eyeball cookies.

Oh, boy.

Here.

Hold that for me, would you?

Of course.

Okay.

Be delicate with it if you can.

All right.

And if you order in the next five minutes,

I'm going to throw in an extra sweet treat.

And this is my cookie guide.

Oh, I don't... Okay.

Oh, my God.

Blur it.

Blur it.

Blur it.

Blur it.

Blur it.

Don't

put TVMA on the screen, Odell.

That makes it seem worse, Odell.

Get rid of that.

No.

Okay.

All natural.

Everything natural.

Okay.

Well, that was fun, Toby.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks, guys.

Thank you.

All right.

Okay.

Okay.

Well.

Yep.

We'll be back with more Shock TV spooktober deals.

Yeah.

You know, those cookies kind of look like yours.

I know.

Right?

Yeah.

That's the thing.

That's hard.

That's hard?

Yeah.

Let's go.

I can't believe we're doing this, man.

I know.

This is insane.

This is the craziest birthday present ever, dude.

All right.

First time divers.

We are approaching 10,000 feet, which is our jumping altitude.

You're each going to be strapped to an

instructor, just like we practiced at base camp.

And, hey, don't forget to enjoy the view.

Now, how are you guys feeling?

Feeling pumped.

Dude, honestly, I'm kind of nervous.

Me, too.

Me, too.

What's that?

I'm just... I'm feeling nervous, too.

I just have, like, a weird feeling in my stomach.

I guess that feeling never goes away, huh?

No.

I'm usually never nervous.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I just woke up feeling off today.

Just like luck's not on my side.

I hate to hear that.

Who is with which instructor?

I'm with you.

And glasses, you'll be with my guy, Dirk, over there.

-So, uh,

I don't even get them on the weekends, huh?

You all good, D?

Eh, my lawyer.

I just lost the kids.

Should we maybe head back?

Yo, are you guys talking vibes?

Something's weird, right?

Why is he wearing AirPods?

Yeah, but maybe this was my first day of jitters, you know?

Oh, my God, dude.

Maybe we should jump.

I don't trust my guy to pull the cord.

So, this was my life, huh?

OK.

Sir, you need to land the plane now.

Now!

You guys are going to be fine.

These guys are pros.

They got into this business because they love it, right?

Maybe.

Maybe there's just a small part of me that always wanted to die.

Okay.

Let's jump.

Dude, F that!

F that!

You want to take a selfie before we go?

What?

No!

Alright.

Last words.

What?

I mean, smile!

Dude, is that my grandfather?

What do you mean?

Dude, he's been dead for like ten years.

What? Oh my God!

Like an apparition, I think.

I don't know.

Hey, man, if this is it, I want you to know I love you.

I love you too, man.

No, like romantically.

I've always been in love with you.

Your smile, I just think you're absolutely gorgeous.

Alright, thank you, man.

I want to jump now.

Alright, let's do this thing.

No, no, no, no.

And if anyone's having second thoughts, now is the time to speak up.

- I've been speaking up, man.

I know you're scared.

Why wouldn't you be?

We're jumping into the unknown.

That's why we do this.

To figure out who we really are.

My whole life...

What do you think?

Want to jump?

On November 2nd, John Mulaney with musical guest, Chappell Roan

Please, Daddy, please.

Okay, okay, enough.

Everyone sit down.

Sit down.

Please.

Mom and Dad, Janie and I are in love.

And we intend to wed.

Son.

Janie is a lovely girl, but a white man married to a black woman.

That's just dangerous.

What will people say?

Well, we don't care what they say, ma'am.

Our love is stronger than their hate.

Well, I cannot consent to this marriage.

I'm sorry for both of your sakes.

Well, hold on now.

Let's not speak for my daughter now.

If she says that your son is the man for her, then I say God bless.

Love is love, and that's how it should be.

I just don't understand why you two would want to do this.

Nor do I.

Well, maybe this will help.

I've written a song.

You wrote a song about me, baby?

About us.

About what it's like to be married to a beautiful black woman.

Maybe when people hear it, things will start to change.

Oh.

Amen.

Play a song, young man.

Play a song.

Thank you, sir.

I will.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Your lipstick stains ♪

♪ On the front lobe of my left side brain ♪

♪ I knew I wouldn't forget you ♪

♪ And so I went and let you blow my mind ♪

♪ Hey, soul sister ♪

♪ Hey, dentist, a mister on the radio ♪

♪ Stare you the way your move ain't fair enough ♪ -Okay.

♪ Hey, soul sister ♪

♪ I don't want to miss a single thing you do ♪ 710 ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪ -Come on.

♪ Hey ♪

Okay, I think they get it.

♪ Who you can't cuddle up, watching you is the only drug I need ♪

♪ You're so gangster, I'm so thug, you're the only one I'm dreaming of ♪

I'ma wait outside.

♪ Hey! So sister, ain't that mister, mister on the radio ♪

♪ Stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know ♪

♪ Hey! So sister ♪

♪ I don't want to miss a single thing you do... ♪

tonight.

Wow.

Son, just wow.

I get it.

I get it.

You have my blessing.

Mine too.

Now that I hear how my son feels about his beloved soul sister, I can't object.

Hmm.

Uh, young man, did you say that my daughter was so gangster?

Yes, sir.

And I am so thug.

Okay.

Okay.

Uh, I think I'm gonna retract my blessing.

And, uh, I think I'm gonna go a step further and

say that maybe we should, uh, stick to our own kind.

Dad!

You know, that is such a good point.

I agree.

Yep.

Oh, does that... wait, are we over?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, probably for the best.

Okay, goodbye everybody.

We're just gonna exit through the kitchen.

Wait, no!

Don't go!

Please!

Oh, Jesus.

I can't believe this.

What did I do wrong?

You don't think it was the song, right?

No.

No, the song was incredible.

In fact, your father and I think it was only missing one thing.

What?

Just a little bit of stank.

Two, three, four!

♪ Hey! So sister, ain't that mister, mister on the radio ♪

♪ Stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know ♪

♪ Hey! So sister... ♪

Guys, tiktok shop 30% off!

My cortisol has dropped!

Woo!

Okay, so, today I am trying the Hennessy Habanero Fruity

Pebble chicken sandwich from Lisa's Soul Food in Atlanta.

I'm not gonna lie, y'all.

That's nasty.

This way had to explain direct from Domingo.

Today my husband asked for beef tacos and I didn't want to let him down.

So I slaughtered our cow and picked the corn myself.

♪ We bring the boom! ♪

♪ That's what we do ♪

♪ We bring the boom! ♪

♪ We bring the boom! boom, boom! ♪

Thank you for the roses.

Yum!

Thank you for the roses.

Yum!

My black brothers, we must protect the bloodline.

Resist the temptation of the snow bunny.

You don't want it.

See how I'm vibrating off my cellulite?

Very demure, very mindful.

Hey, baby, you want... Oh, damned!

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father.

Today's topic is when to put a finger in.

Our guest today is Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas.

Kamala, Miss VP, can I sing to you?

Making my way downtown, walking past faces, passing homebound, period.

Thank you.

That was singing.

Look, what the...

Look at this crab meat.

It's sick.

It's insane.

Looks nice.

Yo, come on, chat.

Chill.

I'm not going to light the fireworks in my frickin' basement, brah!

Thank you for being here, Mr. President.

Yes, well, they tell me you're a tremendous success

in terms of views, and with regard to virgins.

So it's a great honor.

There's an evacuation order in place.

So this is part 55 of my beef with the chilis on Jefferson Avenue.

See, they know they're wrong because they're little...

Oh, you guys are at the wrong rally.

I think you meant to go to the smaller one down the street.

Excuse me, I'm speaking.

Mr. President, can I sing to you?

Uh, yes.

Where are you?

And I'm so sorry for you.

Well, it was terrible.

That was really bad.

Didn't like that at all.

That was really bad.

Well, yes.

Part 71.

They gave me placebo chili sticks.

As a 22-year-old mother of 10, I like to do everything by hand.

Today my kids wanted a color, but we were all out of paper.

So I mashed up my law degree to make more paper for my kids.

My cortisol is dropping.

It's the thing vibrating.

The legs are getting fed strongly.

Excuse me, Ms. Eilish, can I sing to you?

Can you pretend that airplane is the night?

Here's 10 grand.

Please stop following me.

Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Eilish.

Birds of a feather (2024)

♪ I want you to stay ♪

♪ 'Til I'm in the grave ♪

♪ 'Til I ride away, dead and buried ♪

♪ 'Til I'm in the casket you carried ♪

♪ If you go, I'm going too, oh ♪

♪ 'Cause it was always you, oh ♪

♪ And if I'm turning blue, please don't save me ♪

♪ Nothing left to lose without my baby ♪

♪ Birds of a feather, we should stick together I know ♪

♪ I said I'd never think I wasn't better alone ♪

♪ Can't change the weather, might not be forever, but if ♪

♪ it's forever, it's even better ♪

♪ I don't know what I'm crying for ♪

♪ I don't think I could love you more ♪

♪ It might not be long, but, baby, I ♪

♪ I'll love you 'til the day that I die ♪

♪ 'Til the day that I die ♪

♪ 'Til the light leaves my eyes ♪

♪ 'Til the day that I die ♪

♪ I want you to see, hm ♪

♪ How you look to me, hm ♪

♪ You wouldn't believe if I told ya ♪

♪ You would keep the compliments I throw ya ♪

♪ But you're so full of shit, uh ♪

♪ Tell me it's a bit, oh ♪

♪ Say you don't see it, your mind's polluted ♪

♪ Say you wanna quit, don't be stupid and... ♪

♪ I don't know what I'm crying for ♪

♪ I don't think I could love you more ♪

♪ Might not be long, but baby, I ♪

♪ Don't wanna say goodbye ♪

♪ Birds of a feather, we should stick together, (I know) ♪

♪ I said I'd never think I wasn't better alone ('til the light leaves my eyes) ♪

♪ Can't change the weather, might not be forever ('til the day that I die) ♪

♪ But if it's forever, it's even better I knew you in another life ♪

♪ You had that same look in your eyes I love you, don't act so surprised ♪

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, the election is just 16 days away, and the candidates are striking very

different tones trying to get out the vote.

For example, here's Kamala Harris.

Your vote is your voice, and your voice is your power.

Nice.

And here's Trump.

Get that fat pig off the couch.

Tell him to go and vote.

Vote for Trump, he's going to save our country.

Also nice.

Direct.

Subtle differences you'll notice in their styles,

you know, like here's Kamala's message to women.

And when Congress passes a bill to restore

reproductive freedom, I will proudly sign it into law!

Okay.

And here's Trump's closing message to women.

So amazed that Harvey Weinstein got schlonged.

He got picked before he even got hit.

So in that story, he thinks Harvey Weinstein's the one who got schlonged.

By the way, I never need to hear anyone ever say schlonged again.

But then this week, Trump did strike a positive tone when he

stopped questions at a town hall to just dance for 40 minutes.

Please enjoy these somehow... 100% real clips.

Special.

Like really special.

And you can find all those incredible songs on... now that's what I call dementia.

Donald Trump appeared at a town hall hosted by Univision where he was asked

questions in both English and Spanish, which

he answered in both English and louder English.

During a rally in Atlanta, Donald Trump said that any black person who votes for

Kamala Harris should have their head examined.

But no matter who we vote for, I promise you I am not going to therapy.

That guy gets me.

At an all-female Fox News town hall, Trump declared himself the father of IVF.

Which stands for Ivanka and various freaks.

Trump also appeared on Fox in France and said that Abraham Lincoln was probably a

great president, but wanted to know why the Civil War wasn't settled.

Well, it was settled until you showed up.

Insiders say that during a campaign stop in Pennsylvania tomorrow, Donald Trump

will work the fry cooker at a McDonald's

where he plans to deep fry the tip of his tie.

Kamala Harris responded to Trump calling January

6th a day of love, saying that he is gaslighting us.

But Kamala, you're just imagining things, baby.

That's my... that's called gaslighting.

That's my... that's called gaslighting.

Yeah, that seems very real.

I'm a good actor.

At a rally in a Pennsylvania high school, Elon Musk promoted the debunked theory

that Dominion voting systems rigged the 2020 election, saying, quote, the last

thing I would do is trust a computer program.

You know, like the ones driving all of his cars.

President Biden also said that he hopes that the death

of the leader of Hamas will be a path to peace in Gaza.

Path to peace is also the name of the home Biden's moving into in about three months.

The Archdiocese of Los Angeles has reached a settlement in hundreds of child sex

abuse cases and will pay out $880 million, an amount that priests called worth it.

It's the 90s, come on.

Candidates are now doing everything they can to get young people to the polls,

and they're doing everything they can to get young people to the polls.

Here with his thoughts is new Saturday Night Live cast member Emil Wakim.

Hi, Emil, welcome.

So how are you feeling going into the election?

I feel good.

I know who I'm voting for, but I don't know who my dad is voting for, you know?

Because my dad's an immigrant.

But he, like, you know, he made it in this country.

Like, he made it against all odds.

Like, he made it so hard that he's a Republican now.

Like, that's the real American dream, dude.

To go from, like, village in Lebanon to being, like, no.

No, no, don't let more in.

No, sorry about that.

No, sorry.

Sorry.

White guys only.

Come on, Kyle.

Let's go play pickleball.

Like, that's what I want.

I guess that is a dream, yes.

Do you still have family in Lebanon?

Yeah, I do.

And, you know, it's very scary now.

But, you know, my dad always worries about me because I talk about being Arab.

And he's like, you know, you don't have to say we're Arab.

We're not Arab.

We're Christian Lebanese.

It's different.

We're European.

We're like the French.

And I'm, like, ask the French.

If they think we're the French.

They're like, we're good.

Thanks.

Because Christian Arabs are a very funny part of all this.

You know, like, any time stuff starts going

down over there, they always like to pop out.

To just be like, eh, not us.

It's just like a bunch of, like, Lebanese dudes with unibrows being like, bonjour.

We are the white ones.

So you're saying that the Christian part helps?

Yes, for sure.

You know, I've lived all over the country.

No matter how liberal or conservative of an area I'm in, when people find out I was

raised Christian, I can feel them just relax a little bit.

You know?

Even in this room.

Like, I feel people's shoulders drop when they

find out that your family are Christian Arabs.

They're just like, oh, he's cool.

Like, oh.

They're just like a little less afraid of you.

You know?

Christian Arabs, we're kind of like, we're like black dudes with anime backpacks.

You know what I mean?

Like, racist guys are like, I don't love it,

but I'm not going to cross the street anymore.

It's fine.

He skateboards.

Okay, whatever.

I guess I see that.

Yeah, see?

You know, we're not that different than other groups.

You know, Arabs are not just like violent people by nature.

We're really just like another group of like hairy, sweaty, passionate guys.

You know?

Like, what is an Arab but a Greek that you're kind of afraid of?

You know what I mean?

Like, we're right there.

We're Italian guys.

We talk with our hands.

We kiss our buddies on the mouth.

We're just like, hey, I love my mother.

But then we bombed the Middle East forever.

So then they went from being like, I love my mother, to like, I love,

I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love.

Like, that's how we got there, you know?

Colin wrote that joke for me.

Yeah, we're good.

We're good.

Yeah.

I...

I just... I don't think people are being honest with stuff over there, you know?

Like, a lot of young people now that are like for, like, gay rights and women's

rights will be like, free Palestine, free Gaza.

And then people on the other side are being like, oh, oh, gays for Gaza, huh?

Oh, go be gay in Gaza.

You can see how they like it over there.

That's why we're going over there.

As if that's why America goes to war.

Because we love women and gay people so much.

Also, if you want to be gay, just stop bombing them.

They'll get to gay.

They're busy.

They don't have time to be like, who am I in the deepest parts of my soul?

You can't watch your village get blown up and be like, I think I'm bisexual,

actually.

That's not... Emil Wakim, everybody.

We're spicy greeks!

DiGiorno...

DiGiorno announced they are bringing back their

frozen Thanksgiving pizza for the holidays.

The pizzas are topped with turkey gravy, green beans,

and the number for the National Suicide Hotline.

Tom Brady has officially become a part owner of the Las Vegas Raiders,

although Brady himself is still fully owned by the Giants.

Wow.

That got so intense.

This week was National No Bra Day, and it was a huge flop.

Don't clap at that.

The 90s are back, Colin.

The winner of the annual America's Best Restroom

Contest is a service station in Salt Lake City.

Though keep in mind, the contest is run by Trucker Sex Magazine.

Bath and Body Works has stopped selling a candle

with a design that people said resembled KKK hoods.

They've replaced it with a design where the hoods are completely removed.

I don't appreciate that response.

According to nutritionists, the healthiest Halloween candy is peanut M&Ms,

with the tiny exception of kids that die from touching them.

Researchers in Britain have discovered the first ever adult man with three penises.

And after a long and complicated surgery, doctors

were able to successfully give him a third hand.

Yeah.

Yeah, baby.

This year, the Victoria's Secret fashion show returned for the first time in four

years and was praised for its inclusivity and body positivity.

Here to comment is our very own Sarah Sherman.

Did I miss you?

Of course I missed you.

Okay, psycho.

Listen... Victoria... Listen...

Victoria's Secret said their new show is inclusive.

And in many ways it was.

Look, it's cool that they had a lot of diverse body types represented.

But here's the problem.

Where are my perfect tens, okay?

Where are my midwest fours at?

You know what I mean?

Where are my normal girlies at?

Where are my girls with anxiety hives and infected belly button rings?

Okay?

Oh, it's so inclusive, really?

Well, it's not inclusiviating me.

Someone with resting rabbi face.

Show me someone with a happy trail that wraps

all the way around their back like a gorilla.

Or someone with, like, Pangea nipples.

Pangea nipples?

Yeah, you know, nipples that cover the whole boob and touch together in the

middle to form a super nipple supercontinent.

It sounds like you might need medical attention.

For the last time, Colin I will not play that tour with you

I want to see women on the runway wearing my type of underwear.

What type of underwear is that?

Look at him.

Oh, my God.

He's so excited.

Yeah, like you don't already know from rifling through my dressing room.

Yeah, come on.

Whenever I take my underwear off, you float

in like a cartoon mouse following the scent.

It's not what I sniff like.

Yes, it is, queen.

Listen.

Listen.

I want to see those models wearing underwear like mine.

A diaper, a sports bra, and a giant T -shirt

I got in New Orleans that says New Orleans.

You wear a diaper?

Why did you lick your lips when you said that?

I want to see tired, cranky, busted bitches in real underwear.

The kind you buy in packs of 12 at CVS.

The kind the hospital gives you after a C -section.

Okay?

I want to see underwear that's been through hell and back, Colin.

The kind that looks like a flag at the end of a war.

The kind where when you throw it on the ground at the end of a long day,

it's like dropping an everything bagel cream cheese side down.

That is so, so gross.

Oh, that's gross, Colin?

Is it gross that my underwear looks

like a tuberculosis patient's handkerchief?

Papa! There's blood! Papa! There's blood!

Sarah, come on.

So listen up, Victoria's Secret.

Yeah, that's right.

You're getting serious.

I am serious.

Listen up, Victoria's Secret.

Don't cut to him.

You've made me feel insecure long enough.

And I've got one thing to say to you.

Please let me be in your show.

I'll change everything about myself.

I'll wax.

I'll bleach.

I'll power sand my back knee right off.

I'll do anything, Colin.

I'll even make new holes.

Or I'll get that BBL you've been offering to pay for.

I offered to split it.

Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Can we get up there?

I'm Colin Jost.

I'm Michael Che.

Good night.

Hi, Uber for Trish.

That's right.

For Trish, going to JFK, right?

Yeah.

I can't wait to get to Miami.

It's going to be so fun.

Oh, y'all going to Miami?

I've heard some things about Miami.

Oh, yeah, totally.

Miami got them baby cartels.

Sorry, what's that?

They use babies to sling rock.

Think about it.

Because babies can't go to jail.

They slip right through the bars.

Think about it.

Uh, yeah, I guess I never thought about that.

Well, now's the perfect time because you won't think about it.

Live from this Chevy Malibu, it is Think About It.

The game show where it's my Uber, my opinions, and you stuck.

We're on a game show?

We need to ride to the airport.

Well, lucky for me, I don't pick up on social cues.

Okay.

First question.

Who have they already picked to be president?

Who have they picked?

Who is they?

You know exactly who they is.

Your options are A.

My man, Donald Trump.

B.

Kamala Cabello.

Or 3.

Jiggy Lane Maxwell.

Who is Jiggy Lane Maxwell?

He means Ghislaine.

He's just a crazy conspiracy theorist.

Let's just not engage.

Totally.

I guess my answer is B.

Kamala Cabello.

Correct!

How is that right?

You just got to think about it.

Here, watch this YouTube video that has 8 views.

Oh, watch that!

We're on the sidewalk!

Oh, that's because we're picking up my friend.

Hey, what's up, brother?

Hey, bud.

How you doing, babe?

Hit that.

He's Anthony

He's the smartest man I know.

Hey, if you don't mind, I'm gonna scoot my seat back.

Ow, my kneecaps!

Anthony, you go on and do the next question.

Okay, next question.

Who did they kill with the vaccine?

A.

O.J.

Simpson.

2.

Free speech.

Or 1.

Jiggy Lane Maxwell's husband.

You mean Jeffrey Epstein?

I'm gonna go with Jiggy Lane.

That's correct, young lady.

Yay!

We got it right!

Trish, I know you're from Nebraska, but stop.

Is this even a real game show?

Oh, yeah.

We streaming right now on WhatsApp Live.

And we even got prizes.

They in.

Tell them what they won.

Tiny hot water bottle.

It's not sealed, but it's full.

Tiny hot water bottle.

Why is this water so hot?

Cause I keep them between my legs.

And the sound of my check engine light means you've made it to our speed round.

This one's called Real or Fake.

Yeah.

Let me ask you something.

And you this round, you tell us if they're real or they're fake.

Right.

Real or fake.

Ready?

First one.

Birds.

Birds?

Real.

Contrary to what you may have read, birds are real.

Next one.

Pigeons.

Fake.

What?

Think about it.

You ever see a pigeon outside of New York City?

You are fully turned around, sir.

I'll think about it.

Alright, time's almost up.

Real or fake?

The media, the Pope, a driver's license.

All fake.

I'm sorry, do you not have a driver's license?

You think Jesus had a driver's license?

Not my lord and savior.

Okay, the app says that we're somehow two hours away.

Hey, you going to Newark, right?

No, JFK.

Well, you should have thought about that. Yeah.

Once again, Billie Eilish.

Wildflower (2024)

♪ Things fall apart and time breaks your heart ♪

♪ I wasn't there, but I know ♪

♪ She was your girl, you showed her the world ♪

♪ You fell out of love and you both let go ♪

♪ She was cryin' on my shoulder, all I could do was hold her ♪

♪ Only made us closer until July ♪

♪ Now I know that you love me, you don't need to remind me ♪

♪ I should put it all behind me, shouldn't I? ♪

♪ But I see her in the back of my mind ♪

♪ All the time ♪

♪ Like a fever, like I'm burning alive ♪

♪ Like a sign ♪

♪ Did I cross the line? ♪

♪ Mm, hm ♪

♪ Well, good things don't last And life moves so fast ♪

♪ I'd never ask who was better 'Cause she couldn't be ♪

♪ More different from me Happy and free in leather ♪

♪ And I know that you love me You don't need to remind me ♪

♪ Wanna put it all behind me, but baby... ♪

♪ I see her in the back of my mind All the time ♪

♪ Feels like a fever, like I'm burning alive ♪

♪ Like a sign ♪

♪ Did I cross the line? ♪

♪ Do you see her in the back of your mind? ♪

♪ In my eyes? ♪

♪ You say no one knows you so well ♪

♪ But every time you touch me, I just wonder how she felt ♪

♪ Valentine's Day, cryin' in the hotel ♪

♪ I know you didn't mean to hurt me, so I kept it to myself ♪

Thanks for letting me crash here this weekend.

Hey, that's what friends are for.

And cut!

Okay, we're moving on.

Now, everybody knows today's a big day because

we're about to shoot our first kill scene.

So clap those hands, Halloween Rises family!

Yeah!

Mr. Myers, you ready to kill some teens?

Yes, sir!

Anyway, so like we discussed this morning, Haley

and Lily, you two are on the couch chatting.

And remember, between the last scene and this one, you French kissed and grinded.

So that's in the air.

Michael Myers enters through the patio doors,

then walks up behind you and stabs Haley.

Let's take our places.

Everybody ready?

Yeah.

All right, rolling.

And let's slate, please.

Halloween Rises, scene four, take one.

Okay, and action!

I don't know, Sasha.

I just feel like I'm being watched lately.

Okay, paranoid.

Just relax and watch the movie.

Okay.

Okay, let's cut.

Let's cut.

Hey, my guy, say your name for me again.

Oh, it's Jackson, J-A-X-S-O-N.

Okay, so Jackson, your movements are just a little too theatrical.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

It's just how I worked on it with the stunt movement coordinator, Bo.

Oh, okay.

Is Bo close by?

Yeah, very close by, actually.

Hey, Prince.

Oh.

Hey, Bo.

So when we met, I said that Michael Myers, you know, he moves slow.

Like a molasses.

Right.

Well, molasses has a kind of sensuality to it.

No.

No, I don't think it does.

He should actually be more, like, stiff and just grounded.

Really?

Okay.

Of course, we'll fix it.

Jackson, you hear that?

Sharpen it up.

You got it?

Go get it.

Fabulous.

Let's try it again from your entrance, Jackson.

Okay, everybody get set, ready, and action!

Stop. Stop. Stop.

No.

No.

That's perfect.

That's beautiful.

Thank you.

No, actually, not perfect.

Not beautiful.

We're gonna do no spin this time, Jackson.

Just walk in the room.

All right, still rolling.

Let's go again.

Action.

Yeah, okay.

Let's cut.

Let's cut.

Delicious.

Moving on.

Moving on.

Great.

No.

No.

Good job.

Not moving on.

Not moving on, actually.

The murder was too... how do I put this?

Sassy and flirty?

It was very JoJo Siwa backup dancer.

Look, we just need the movement to be simple, very deliberate.

Okay, so now I finally get some direction.

Let me try some new choreo.

Oh, okay.

You want this?

Yeah, thanks.

All right, let's shoot this rehearsal for framing.

Guys, let's get set.

And action, Bo!

Okay.

A five, six, seven, eight.

And a hip, and a hip, and a body roll.

And a hip tuck, and a shoulder thrust, and a spin.

Great.

And you...

girl's not worth it.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

No.

No.

No.

No, cut.

Cut.

She is worth it.

You do have to kill her.

You guys actually are fired.

Tom, can we get, like, anybody from the crew to put on the mask and try a take?

Oh, my God.

Success is when preparation meets opportunity.

Kiai!

Well, it is just great to meet the other half that's paying for this wedding.

Hear, hear.

We're family now.

I'm into that.

Boy, you two are a hoot.

Babe!

Our parents are really vibing.

I know.

It feels like they're going to start a group chat without us.

Hello.

Did you guys order the table-side guac?

Oh, we sure did.

And did you want that mild, medium, or hot?

Jonathan, mild, medium, or hoté?

Your name's not... I don't know.

Beth, is it?

Oh, me?

No.

It's Maggie.

Morristown, Massachusetts, 1987.

Doesn't mean anything to you at all?

No.

In 87, I would have been two.

Right.

Sorry.

Right.

Sorry.

You just... you remind me of Beth, is all.

Okay.

First I'm hearing a Beth.

Yeah.

Well, it was a long time ago.

You know.

Sorry.

Just do your guac.

Sorry.

So what was Beth like?

Oh, man.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Man.

How much time you got?

I was in Morristown doing a little summer stock production.

Beth worked at the box office.

She had hair like yours.

Smile like yours, too.

Best damn laugh in the world.

Final answer.

Yeah... What about mine?

Yeah.

Well, my name's not Beth.

And I certainly don't know what Bob has done.

I don't know where the box office is, but I do know

a thing or two about leaving things in shambles.

Mine's name was Benny.

Okay, wonderful story time.

Thank you.

And can we get some waters, please?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Wait, wait, wait.

What was Benny like?

Honey!

What wasn't Benny like?

Benny was everything you thought you wanted

when you were too young to know what you want.

Long hair, thin, really defined gums.

The type of guy you could break.

What I wouldn't give to not know what I didn't know then but know now.

That Benny would break me.

What?

I was Benny.

Like, I was... Like, I was Benny to Beth, really.

She was too good.

She was kind.

Too kind, really.

I would love to get out of here.

You know, when no one came to our production of Cyrano, she bought all the

tickets and she'd hand them out to the homeless people in the area.

Guess what?

Every single one of them showed up.

And they gave me that Cyrano de Bergerac standing ovation, by the way.

It was beautiful.

Beautiful.

Until the fist fight broke out and a 70 -year-old woman got stabbed.

But, you know, before I could ask Beth to marry me, I kissed her sister.

You what?

Yeah.

You know, it's what we do with what we're given that gives us what we get.

Wow.

Tell me you write.

I want to.

I want to write.

But she confines me.

Excuse me?

You say I'm not a writer.

No, I say you need income.

That's your opinion!

Look, okay, yeah.

See?

Beth probably wouldn't have said it like that.

So, uh, check, please.

All right! Thanks to Billie Eilish.

Maya Rudolph, Alec Baldwin, Dana Carvey, Andy Samberg

How great are these guys?

Thank you very much.

And don't forget, too... thank you very much!

by CharadaBR