Original subtitles

LEADING LADIES

No.

We did not just get second place!

We are not second best! We are not second place!

Mom...

We worked so hard for this...

Hours, weeks!

Couple number 23! Did you see her samba?

I'm so sorry about your second place.

I know. I really let Mom down again.

We are just horrible, horrible daughters.

We failed Mom.

We failed her for the last time.

We'll never dance again!

You didn't do this all by yourself, dear.

It takes two to Cha-Cha, and I don't know what

that sweet honey Cedric thought that he was doing out there,

but he left you high and cold!

Oh, you think this is funny?

This is serious - deadly serious.

Some people go through their whole lives without having

the kind of talent that you have in your little pinky toe,

and I'll be boxed up and bowed if some unworthy slip of a man

thinks he's going to take our dreams away from us.

- Our dreams? - Mom, that's enough.

Oh, no, no, no!

I can never get enough of your sweet, sweet loving, Sheri.

You were just getting going.

Enough about me, let's talk about me.

I don't have any more words to say to you tonight.

I'll see you tomorrow at 7 am, pronto.

Breakfast in bed?

I like my eggs over easy.

Like he likes his men.

Shh! Girls, your mother is still pretending I'm not gay.

Oh, Cedric...

When you finally decide to settle down,

no self-respecting young woman is going to want to marry a man

who says that he's gay.

That's a good one, Sheri. May I borrow that?

It'll cost you.

I secretly love your mother.

- 7 am! - Have fun.

- I'm serious, Cedric! - So am I.

Hey, Rickie! We're number two!

Tasi!

OK, maybe we were wrong about Kelly green.

Maybe it's fuchsia.

Fuchsia with more stones, size twelves.

But if we do it that way, we're gonna take in the bodice,

and add more sequins...

and that beautiful gauzy material!

You were right, baby girl.

Kelly green was not the way to go.

It washes you out.

Now fuchsia - nobody overlooks a girl in fuchsia!

Definitely fuchsia!

But we'll need to make sure

the sequins match the fabric exactly.

That fish is gonna pop, Sheri.

Mom, do you really think Bubbles should be eating fried chicken?

No.

Why would you ask a question like that?

Bubbles can eat whatever he wants.

Can't you, Bubbles?

Here, Toni.

You need your energy for tomorrow.

What about me, Sheri?

Oh, you never have a shortage of energy, Moon Pie.

Well, we have seven months, two weeks and four days

before the South-Eastern Midwest Regional

Amateur Ballroom Competition.

Tougher competition means tougher rehearsals...

waterproof mascara and all-day lip gloss!

We Camparis have met defeat before

and she is wearing a cheap, knock-off,

polyester periwinkle gown

from the Famous Barr basement sale.

Next time, we'll meet her stone-faced and steadfast

with our shiny, glass stiletto heels

with size 5 Swarovskis.

Bed!

Don't forget to brush your teeth!

- Toni? - Yeah.

I need you to cut in here.

Yeah, OK. Why?

Something is not working right

and I need to see if it's her or if it's her.

- You're such an ass. - Thank you.

Who put you in charge?!

Who put me in charge? Who put you in charge?

OK...

Start right after the first dip.

Watch your forearm.

Now give her some good resistance...

I'm never going to be doing this, Ced, come on.

But you're doing it right now.

It's in that transition, Tasi. Your weight's on the wrong foot.

You mean where you stepped on my foot?

That's because your foot wasn't supposed to be there.

- Where? Under your heel? - Children!

Children, my head is splitting.

We have got to quit for the day!

I have to get that pot roast in the oven

if we plan to eat later.

We've hardly eaten breakfast

and she's already thinking about pot roast.

- It's called lunch, you idiot! - It's called obsessive.

Enough! We're off.

- Fine. - Fine.

Toni, do you need a ride to work?

Umm... Sure.

Fine. Come on let's go.

See you at home later?

Fine.

I mean, yeah, I'll see you later.

Maybe I'll stop by the restaurant.

Whoa!

Is this the first time someone got your pants off in the car?

You know you don't count.

Just because I like boys, that means I'm not one?

I don't mean it like that. You're family.

Am I?

Last time I checked, there weren't any men

in the Campari family.

Touché.

Those two are lucky they have you.

Well, someone's got to wear the pants.

What's Sheri gonna do

when you move out and stop supporting her?

Hmm... Move out.

There's an interesting notion.

Why that would just change everything!

Why haven't I thought of that before?

Are you here all night?

Yeah, I'm working a double.

Yuck.

Geez!

You gotta put some aloe on those arms.

Or some evening gloves.

Thanks for the ride, Ced.

That's the problem!

I don't have to. This is your thing.

No, this is your responsibility. You're the one that...

No. No.

I'm not gonna take responsibility for this.

This is your fault.

Owww! Shit!

Take that one to table seven.

Yeah, I'm on it, Tony.

And can I get that minestrone before the guy eats his arm off?

Aw, you're killin' me, Toni.

You're killing me!

Who's the boss, huh?

Toni, Tony, Tone!

I feel like I'm stuck in an early 90's time warp.

Hey, Ced, your booth just opened up.

Oh, perfect.

No rush, sweetie.

We'll be over here starving half to death.

Oh, uh, Tasi's over at table two...

under the window, carefully ignoring you.

With what's-his-face?

Yeah, that what's-his-face.

Hey, you got a handle on this mess, boss?

You know the wife at this hour.

It's all good, boss. I got it.

You're a good kid. If I had a son...

Get outta here.

OK, OK...

I'm helping!

Yeah.

You never helped before.

There's a first time for everything.

Speaking of which...

How 'bout you and I go find ourselves

a real pardner, pardner?

Don't do John Wayne. It doesn't suit you.

But I like cowboys.

Where's your crew?

Outside in the car waiting for you.

Is it a clown car?

Toni, you're going. Tonight we dance.

Fine.

If you want to go, just go.

- Fine. - Fine.

Do we invite them?

I take it we're not going.

Tasi? Ride?

No, I have the car.

Every exit is an entrance.

Goodbye, favorite sisters.

Bye, Rickie.

Women's room still out of order?

Yeah, let me key you into the staff one.

I don't want you to catch anything.

Yeah. Boys are gross.

Yeah.

How long do you think we could sit out here

before she'd actually come out and get us?

Do you think she knows we're here?

Sheri knows all.

I don't know...

Isn't there a little bit of comfort in that?

I kind of love her from this distance.

It's nice to watch her when she's not watching me.

I wouldn't know.

She's like a sweater that's two sizes too small...

It keeps you warm, but it itches like hell.

I don't think anyone's ever referred to her

as 'too small' before.

There's lasagna in there.

You ready then?

Ready.

My girls!

- Who's hungry? Toni? - I'm starving.

Did that dress seem a little snug at your last fitting?

Is that going to work for the demo tomorrow?

Or are you just bloated from your... period.

Well, apparently everything's going to fit just fine

since you keep taking my food away.

Where is everything going?

I'm just loving you, Moon Pie.

I have smoked turkey. Gobble, gobble!

Did you really smoke it or just smoke around it?

It used to be the three of us against the world,

and now it's just you two against your mother.

All I do is love you.

We know.

Apparently that's not all you do.

Shh.

Honestly, who raised you two?

He's leaving in the morning.

Goodnight, my darlings. Kiss, kiss.

- You OK? - Yeah, I'm fine.

You shouldn't let her get to you like this.

This has nothing to do with her.

Doesn't matter.

You shouldn't let her get to you.

You can eat whatever you want.

And this - it's gotta stop.

What can I do?

You know she's full of crap.

I told you this has nothing to do with her.

It has nothing to do with you either.

It has nothing to do with anybody

in this pathetic, psychotic family, OK?

- Whoa... - No! Just leave me alone!

Hey! What is going on here?

Why are you freaking out at me?

Was that not you with me just now laughing at Mom?

I am always on your side.

We need to be with each other on this.

She's crazy.

I told you it's not about her.

I need you to not be crazy with me.

I don't care what you need. It's not about you.

Do you even know what I need?

I need you to not be in my face right now.

No, no. This just can't be.

It has to fit. This just has to fit, Sugar!

Zippety-doo-dah that's tight!

It's not happening, Sheri.

This just can't be.

I added the extra fabric,

and the sequins are on that stretchy thread

so this shouldn't bunch.

Maybe if we just shift some things around in there.

Mother! Get off of me!

It's not working! None of this is working!

Just get this damn thing off of me!

OK, OK. We're fine, we're fine.

I'm fine, we're fine.

You don't have to wear it for the demo.

But let's just fix your hair at least.

Toni, be a dear and pick this up for your sister.

OK, Moon Pie, let's see what we can do here.

A couple more pins...

There we go...

Breathe...

Breathe and... Sparkle!

You are insane!

Just get away from me!

I'm not doing this!

This demo is not that important.

So, I'm supposed to just march in there

and interrupt Gene's class and tell all those good people

that we're not going to do it...

that you're just not going to dance?

I don't care. I don't care about any of this.

I just don't care!

I don't care, I don't care I don't care, I don't care...

Tasi, stop it! Just calm down!

We're gonna get out of here.

We're gonna go home,

but you need to snap out of this.

Get off of me!

And don't tell me what to do!

Don't tell you what to do?

I'm the one always taking orders around here.

That's all I do.

I take orders from you. I take orders from Sheri.

I take orders at work from pimply little brats

who haven't even hit puberty yet.

All I do is take orders.

Oh, you're such a martyr.

This is all about you now?

You have no idea what I'm going through.

This is about me!

This is about me, damn it!

ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, MEEEE!!!!!

Wow.

I can't even compete with that. You sound just like Mom.

Ouch.

Get me out of here... Now!

Oh, drama, drama, kickball change!

Marjorie, love the polka dots.

Gene, the glasses are always smashing on you...

Ladies, gentlemen... Sheri...

It's been a lovely evening, but I must bid you adieu.

There's no place like home.

- Home? - Oh, come on, girl.

You've been doing this your whole life.

Yeah, with my sister.

Eww...

Don't worry. We're all sisters down here.

It's time we got you a real partner.

What took you so long?

I brought a friend.

She's not really your type.

She's my stunt double!

Oh, she's the one you've been telling me about...

The one with the mom.

He knows.

Your mom's a nut job, your sister's impossible,

and you're the only one worth saving.

We've all been waiting for you to come out dancing.

We? Who's we?

And I didn't say I was going to dance.

Ah, but you will.

Says who?

I know you well enough.

You're too strong a lead to let these amateurs show you up!

Me?

Come on.

What?

I've just never seen you like this.

With a guy?

No, following.

If you wanna be a good lead...

you have to learn how to follow!

Wait! Where are you going?

Don't worry! You'll be fine.

Just remember: walk, walk...

triple... triple.

I know that! Wait!

Where are you going...

...going ...gone.

Oh, my gosh!

I'm sorry.

No. I'm sorry.

I guess I really don't know what I'm doing.

Oh, no, you're fine!

You know, with a better lead it doesn't have to be that way.

Really?

Uh, I don't know how...

It's OK. Just follow me.

Ladies, this is...

Oh, Toni.

Mona.

You guys looked great out there. You make a cute couple.

Awww, thanks.

It was all her.

I was totally lost with Diesel Debbie over there...

But this beauty,

made me feel like I knew what I was doing.

Are you some kind of pro or something?

Oh, no. I'm not professional.

But my sister competes in the local ballroom circuit.

She hasn't gone pro yet but she might be able to

if she wins the next couple competitions.

We're not really sure.

It's all politics really, but I don't compete.

I just help out when her partner's not available.

I came here with him.

Anyway, Mona picks up really easily.

Mona usually gets picked up easily.

Umm... Is there a bathroom?

Oh, yeah.

Down the hall, around the corner...

Go downstairs; it's cleaner.

No, go upstairs...

- She hot? - What?

No. I...

Yeah.

Unbuttoned.

What are you doing?

Hey, Hottie, I was just coming to find you.

Yeah?

You're Cedric's girl, right?

You know, as much as that's even possible.

Right.

Well, he just cut outta here with a really hot guy.

They were doing the quickstep toward the door, so...

I don't think he's coming back.

Shit.

What? Was he your ride?

I'm gonna kill him.

He was your ride.

Well...

I guess you're just stuck here with me!

Hey, you OK?

Hey, are... Are you crying?

No, I'm fine!

Are you drunk?

No! I'm just crazy.

You're kinda cute when you're crazy.

You should see my mother.

Actually, no, she is not cute. She's kind of scary.

My sister is cute... and crazy...

more on the cuter side of crazy...

Will you come here? I'm gonna take you home.

I'm glad you're here.

Sooo... I've got wine.

I've got beer.

I've got Kool-Aid.

I'm addicted to that stuff

even though they say it rots your teeth.

We can even make it grown up. I've got vodka!

What flavor?

Vodka?

Kool-Aid.

Oh, purple.

I've got milk, too...

we could do milk and cookies.

Kool-Aid, Grown up.

Purple teeth sounds great.

Why don't you hit play on the CD that's in the stereo.

The stereo's under the kimono next to the green velvet couch.

Thanks for the map.

Wanna dance?

Let's see...

If I remember correctly from earlier...

your hand went here,

mine here...

And we danced like so.

I'm sorry.

I don't know how to do this.

Just follow me.

Where is that...

I'm not here.

But you are here.

Where is here anyway?

I've certainly never been here before.

Neither have I.

Oh, come on.

No, seriously.

I've been with lots of women...

Lots?

Enough.

What I'm trying to say is I've been there...

But I've never been here.

Why does she keep calling me?

She who?

Oh, my sister.

Oh, good.

Then I don't have to get jealous.

Oh, trust me,

you have nothing to be jealous about.

You say you've never been here before?

I've never been anywhere.

What?

Do they keep you tied up in the basement?

I'm not kidding, Mona.

I'm 22 years old,

and I've never even kissed a boy before.

Well, now you don't have to.

What does Toni stand for?

Antoinette.

Ooooooo... Antoinette.

I like it.

It lasts longer.

What are these?

Rope burn scars - from the basement.

Shut up.

Seriously, Toni.

I work in Hell. It's really hot down there.

You're the cute pizza girl!

I am?

Oh, my God, yes! You are.

And you come in with Cedric all the time.

Anchovies on the side.

Oh, well, those are for Marlene.

Oh... No wonder she likes me.

We both like you!

And she's picky.

We've already established that you're not.

Oh, shut up!

No, don't answer it.

Weird. It's Cedric.

Hey! Where the hell did you go?

Tell him he's a whore!

What?

Uh, OK, OK.

Is she OK?

No, you stay there. I'll take a cab.

Hey, I can drive.

I... I'll explain later.

No, no, no. You stay there!

I'll be right there!

I'm coming down.

Where is she? Is she OK?

Where were you? Are you OK?

What do you mean? You left me.

I left you when I couldn't find you.

Oh, thanks a lot.

For taking care of your sister? You're welcome.

Not like anyone else was here for her.

She certainly wasn't going to call Sheri.

Why didn't she call me?

She's been calling you all night.

Check your messages.

God, I can't believe this is happening.

What's happening, Toni?

Where have you been hiding out?

Antoinette?

Can we not focus on me right now!

Well, that's easy. We never focus on you.

Seriously, how is she? What even happened?

Well, you know our Tasi.

She's a wee bit Sheri.

So, when I dragged you

out of that circus you call a family last night,

Tasi decided she was just going to go walk home.

- What?! - Yeah.

Although...

martyrdom's not as good of a look on her as it is on you.

Of course, the poor girl was exhausted.

It was a stupid thing to do.

She barely made it halfway home.

Her blood sugar's on, like, the brink of anemia or hysteria.

God, I don't know.

I don't understand all this stuff.

But she's OK.

I'm sure she'd love to see you. Just... try to be nice.

She needs to start taking better care of herself

now that she's... pregnant.

You're pregnant?!

You're having a baby?!

Babies...

We're having twins. Surprise!

Who's we?

We, we.

You and me we. The usual we.

What other we do we know?

I'm going to kill you.

You can't do that. I'm having your babies.

This is sick.

Tasi, what is going on here?

Are you still mad at me?

Still mad?

This, this is new mad.

This is a whole other feeling I've got right now.

And I think that you have more important things to worry about

than whether or not I'm mad at you.

No, I don't.

I need you to not be mad at me. I need you.

Then why didn't you tell me?

We tell each other everything.

Why weren't you just honest with me?

I wasn't even honest with myself.

And maybe I'm mad at you.

You didn't pick up your phone last night.

You weren't here for me.

You hit me. I was pissed.

Where were you?

I went out with Cedric.

I came here with Cedric.

Looks like we both have some secrets.

Does Mom know?

Does Mom know anything?

How could I not know?

Oh, my God...

You've been puking... and Sheri...

and the dress, and your moodiness.

Oh, come on. I'm always moody.

And Sheri and I always fight.

And people get fat...

And I've thrown up before.

Oh, honey...

I am so sorry that I couldn't be there for you

from the beginning... and help you be healthy.

I didn't know if I wanted a baby...

these babies.

And then, tonight...

when I heard those heartbeats...

I could see them in my mind...

in my body.

The two of them.

The sounds that they made together...

Those steady rhythms.

I could picture them dancing in there.

It was just like you and me.

I have to keep these babies safe.

And I don't think I can do it by myself.

So I guess we can rule out Cedric as the father?

Yeah, but he'll probably be the best dad they'll ever have.

And bio-dad? Out of the picture?

I'm a Campari girl.

The guy's always out of the picture, right?

You don't even know.

- What? - Nothing.

So, where do we put Sheri in all this?

Ugggh...

I need a little more time on that.

Granted.

"Grandmama."

It could be the role of her life.

Ugh...

I'm not ready for that.

You're having babies!

Boys or girls? Or a boy and a girl?

I don't know! I don't think I wanna know.

This is their only chance to be loved without all of the...

you know, the pinks and blues, the trucks or Barbies.

I just want them to be loved, no matter who they are.

Oh, I love that.

- You're having babies! - Mmm-hmm.

So... What do we do now?

We dance.

* A sleight of hand

* With fingers full of grace

* Work the magic that you do *

* Disappear without a single trace *

* And every time I fall for you *

* I fall for you

* And when I do I can't seem *

* To pick myself up off the ground *

* Last night I had a dream

* I was your assistant it seems *

* I was dressed in ostrich feathers *

* You did that trick where you sawed me in half *

* But you laughed and then you left *

* Without putting me back together *

Who've you got there?

What? Oh... Hey, Ced.

I've never seen you like that before.

Like what? Dancing?

I dance alone all the time.

I don't think you were alone this time.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well...

You've been acting kind of weird lately.

Weird how?

I don't know...

Weird different...

Weird funny.

Is that illegal?

It is in some states.

What are you implying?

I'm beginning to think that

Tasi's not the only Campari girl with a secret.

Oh, me with a secret life.

Wouldn't that be something?

At least I'd have a life then.

That attitude was sooo three months ago.

You've got a whole new thing going on for you.

Happy and sarcasm... they clash.

And it's just not a good look on you.

Happy, however...

We are not having this discussion.

Yes, we are!

What's going on? And what's with the glow?

New moisturizer?

Lancôme?

Mona?

Mona?!

What's Mona have to do with this?

What?

She and I are friends.

We're just friends. It's nothing!

Really? Nothing?

Shit.

Oooh, it seems I've let the cats out of the bag.

Do you mind, Cedric?

No, Cedric, you stay. I'm leaving.

No need. I'm already gone.

She's totally worth it.

What are you afraid of right now?

I'm afraid I'll turn around and you won't be standing there.

Are you more afraid that I'll leave,

or that I'll stay and someone might actually

see me standing here?

I'm sorry.

I told you I don't know what I'm doing.

Well, right now you're hurting me!

I can see if you wouldn't want to tell your mom or your sister

or someone who might actually be bothered by this...

But Cedric?

He practically introduced us.

If I tell someone about this, then it makes it real.

And that's a bad thing?

You know I don't mean it like that.

It's just... my real life...

everything is just so messed up.

And you're so different... and so perfect.

My family is like a disease of chaos.

And I don't want you in that, or us in that.

You can't catch crazy, Toni.

I can handle your family.

And maybe I want to be in that.

You could've given me a choice.

Maybe I can't handle it.

I don't feel like I have a choice,

and I don't like myself when I'm in that world.

And I didn't want you to not like me there either.

I like me with you.

I like you everywhere.

I'm actually starting to think I'm...

Toni, I'm 26 years old.

I've played the role of the secret girlfriend.

I've been the lab partner to someone else's experiment.

I've been the phase before "Mr. Right."

Is that where we are?

Because if that's where we are,

I'm sorry but I care too much about you

to play that game this time!

I'm not hiding you; I'm hiding them.

This... Us...

feels bizarrely natural to me.

I mean, I've been partnered with women my whole life.

I don't think your sister really counts.

You know what I mean.

Yeah, I know what you mean, Toni...

but I still feel invisible.

I don't like feeling like I don't exist.

I want us to be a part of a real life.

I am so sorry, Mona.

This... Us...

This is real.

I've been taught my whole life to just sit in the background

and make somebody else look good -

because a good lead is never noticed.

And then as soon as I find a good partner worth showing off

I make her dis...

I make you disappear with me.

Well, when you put it like that it almost sounds romantic.

I don't mind disappearing with you every once in a while,

but it's got to be a choice...

Our choice.

Are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into?

No.

But I trust you.

I should trust you, right?

Dance with me?

Here?

Anywhere.

We are not fat!

I did not make fat babies!

I ain't never gonna be no 16 inches again, Miss Sheri.

Just close your mouth like I've been telling you to for months

and suck it in!

- I'm gettin' the girdle! - Shut up!

Will you just shut up?!

Don't you say shut up to your mother.

I made you,

and I will make you fit into this gown!

You are insane! Are you blind too?!

Will you look at me, for God's sake?!

I am not fat!

I know.

We are not fat. We're not fat.

Mother!

We're not fat! We're PREGNANT, dammit!

I'm pregnant!

Does Cedric know what he's done?!

Have you told him? You need to call him.

You need to call him right now!

Mom, Cedric is gay!

Gay! Gay! Gay!

So he says. And I trusted him!

I left my baby alone with him... with a gay man!

What kind of father is he going to be if he can't even decide

where to dock his dingy?!

Oh, my God, Sheri. You are absurd!

Cedric is not responsible for everything!

You cannot blame him for this!

Then who can I blame?

Toni, how long have you known?

How could you girls pull the chiffon over my eyes like this?

You have made me look like an idiot in my own home.

You?

Toni, car!

Don't you put this back on me. I have always loved you!

Where are you going? Come back here.

You girls are keeping secrets from your mother.

No secrets from your mother!

So...

What's Sheri done this time?

Did she sateen the living room... again?

She knows.

Knows which?

About the babies, of course.

And Sheri is happy to be a grandmother, I presume?

Oh, can I call her "Granny?"

You'd better call her soon,

because she wonders what you're going to do about it.

Moi?

Apparently, no one has explained

the mysteries of conception to Sheri.

She must still think you can get pregnant from dancing.

Honestly, I think she wants them to be yours.

While that is delightfully flattering,

we did clear this up, didn't we?

You know our mother.

Perception is reality,

so I'm afraid you my baby daddy.

How are we going to tell them about Daddy's roommate?

OK, this is no longer funny.

Seriously, how did she take it?

She took it and ran with it as she always does.

Actually, we ran.

I think she's more concerned with the competition

and who's going to fit into that sparkly monstrosity of a dress

than she is with motherhood and the rest of my life.

I'm so glad she can stop adding panels and deal with reality.

You expect Sheri to deal with reality?

Well, it's not my problem anymore.

Her feelings? The competition?

Sequins.

I'm no longer the favorite to win;

It's all you now, Toni. I'm out.

I've got enough on my plate.

Are you gonna eat that?

All me? What are you talking about?

I don't dance.

Sure you do.

I don't compete.

Now you will.

Who says?

Come on, Toni, this is your chance.

You'll be great.

And it'll distract Sheri and keep her off of my belly.

No.

It'll be fun...

I'll help!

And you will look fetching in fuchsia.

Don't make the pregnant lady beg.

I will get down on my knees, and I will not get back up.

Yeah, it'll be fun.

Will you let me lead?

No...

I won't let you lead.

I'm hurt.

Come on, Toni.

No, I'll do it.

But if I'm going to be a part of this madness,

I have two requests.

Number one, you both have to help.

Of course. Anything.

Where else am I going to be?

And number two...

I get to pick my own partner.

No offense, Ced.

None taken.

Well, then...

To our mystery dancer.

I never thought I'd grow up to be a ballroom dancer.

I never thought I'd grow up to be a lesbian.

You ready?

No.

Tasi, Mona. Mona, Tasi.

I believe we all know Cedric?

Who doesn't?

Welcome to our world.

Won't this be cozy.

So just follow everything Tasi does.

She is the best.

Uh, thanks, Toni.

So, if you're me...

that makes Toni Cedric.

Oh, wow...

Sheri is gonna have a field day with this one.

My life just got so much simpler.

Mona, I hope you like sequins.

Do I have a choice?

Oh, here, we have no choices.

Ladies...

Shall we?

* Family can't be trusted

* The weather changes too

* You need something permanent *

* To set your dreams with glue *

* I can't promise heaven

* That's something only God can do *

* But if you want to talk to him *

* I'll make sure your call gets through *

* 'Cause you belong to me... *

* Now, your mother used to hold you *

* Every time you cried

* And your neighbors used to check up on you *

* When you tried to hide

* Now, your mother cannot hear you *

* And the neighbors moved away *

* So listen very closely

* To every word I say

* 'Cause you belong to me... *

* God said I can have you *

* You belong to me...

* Call me when you're lonely *

* Call me when you're down *

* My door is always open *

* And there's always more around *

* If you come for answers

* You'll have to wait in line *

* But if you come for earthly things *

* I'll show you a good time *

* 'Cause you belong to me... *

* God said I could have you *

* You belong to me

* You belong...

* God said I could have you *

* You belong to me...

And cue the tantrum.

No!

No, no, no!

This is not what I think!

What do you think, Sheri?

I...

I don't know what to think.

I don't even know what to make of you.

Both of you.

I have loved you more than anyone,

and this is how you repay me?

Did I raise one daughter to be a whore...

and the other to be...

I don't even know what to call you.

A lesbian?

Oh, Tasi, don't be crass!

This is not some terrible thing.

Oh... OK.

This is not terrible. I'm fine.

I can be fine with this.

Just tell me you're happy...

and in love...

and in love with a woman,

and I'll be just dandy fine.

Mom...

I'm happy.

I'm finally happy.

And I'm in love with a woman.

I need a cigarette.

That could've been worse.

It will be.

Ladies, rides?

You go on ahead, I'll catch up with you.

I think we're gonna stay.

No, Tas, it's OK.

I think I should take this one on my own.

Really?

You sure?

Yeah.

I'll call you later.

Ooh, phone tree!

Thank you for doing this.

It really means a lot to me.

It's because of you that I can do this...

but this is for me.

I get it.

I know you do.

I'll walk you out.

No...

This isn't happening.

This isn't happening to me.

You're right, Mom.

This isn't happening to you.

This is happening to me.

It's a good thing.

I can't do this.

Sure you can.

You taught me.

It's just,

slow, slow, quick, quick...

Oh, Antoinette.

What?

It's a beautiful name.

I know.

I just don't remember the last time you used it.

I don't know what to say about any of this.

You don't have to say anything right now, Mom.

Just... shut up and dance.

Don't say shut up to your mother.

I'm hurt.

I'm angry.

And I'm mad at your father.

What?

Well, maybe if he hadn't left

you girls would have had a better male role model

in your life, and...

and we wouldn't have turned out like this.

Like what?

Happy?

Mom, look at me.

See me.

I'm happy.

For the first time, I'm actually happy.

My girls were always happy.

No...

See me alone.

Alone?

You were never alone.

I was always there, always loving you.

I loved you both enough for two.

When he left,

I did everything to make you happy.

See me happy now.

I don't think I can.

Hey, boss, I'm taking off.

Uh, you know, a woman cannot live on pie alone.

Well, it's Sheri's kitchen. We just eat there.

She only ever taught us how to use foil and the fridge.

No one cooks but her, and there's dust on the burners.

You know you're in trouble

when an Italian mother won't feed you.

Is she still just steamed about Tasi and the babies?

Two more Camparis to smother with love,

I would've thought that woman would be in heaven by now.

Well, it's a little more complicated than that.

Is she upset about you and your girl?

Me and my what?

Your "what..."

You think I'm too old to understand

these modem relationships you kids have?

I've seen the Queer Eye.

See! This laughing thing...

You do this now.

How am I going to judge when you're this happy?

Thanks, Tony.

So, you bring her around to the counter and I'll meet her.

Right, boss.

Hey, you're gonna be alright.

But, uh, be easy on Sheri.

She is your momma.

She loves you girls in her own way.

You two are growing up, making decisions on your own.

That sound you hear is not disapproval.

It's the sound of letting go.

She's not even talking to us.

Well, maybe that's what her grief sounds like.

Mother's love... it is powerful stuff.

She'll get through it.

You'll figure it out.

You got big love, you get big hurt.

You'll be alright.

You are three strong women.

Well, I've never really thought of myself as strong.

Oh, sweetheart, you hold that family up.

Don't you think I and everybody don't see that?

You think that they don't feel that?

Take care of yourself for once.

Be... this happy.

Sheri'll catch up.

Now, you get outta here before my pizza gets cold.

Thanks, boss.

If I have to see another pizza in my life,

I'm gonna blow chunks all over Sheri's kitchen table.

Down, girl.

Think she'll ever come out?

She hasn't even had a man in there in over a month.

She's not cooking. What's she eating?

What's sustaining her?

She's got her reserves.

But how has she not taken pity on us yet?

You guys are such babies.

You act like you've never fed yourselves.

O-M-G!

It's like a gay club before midnight in here!

Really? Oh, my God!

Have you seriously never been to a grocery store?

Of course we've been to a grocery store.

Sheri just never lets us put anything in the cart.

Seriously! Have you seen this?

It's like Barney's after a 20% off sale.

I can't believe this.

I am staring at two 20-year-old grocery store virgins.

She's 22!

Honest to God, I can see the back.

I always thought it went on forever.

So we've been eating pizza for a month,

because you two are too scared

to go to a trickin' grocery store?

We're not scared. It's just Sheri's job.

Oh, no wonder she treats you like children.

Oh, come on, Mo.

No. It is time, ladies!

Today you make your maiden, semi-solo voyage

to the grocery store!

And I will serve as your guide.

Shut up, Mona.

Oh, c'mon, it'll be fun.

I never thought I'd say this,

but I think I miss your mother.

There will be people at the grocery store.

Yeah.

I look like the fat lady in the freak show.

I look puffy.

And people will look at me,

and they'll try to talk to me, and touch me.

And rub my Buddha belly as if one kick from my unborn children

will grant their anonymous, dirty fingers

miraculous blessings beyond their wildest dreams!

Oh, honey, come on.

It is for your babies that we're doing this.

They need some real food.

And if I eat any more cheese,

I'm going to have just as much trouble as you

trying to fit into that sequined nightmare next month.

You'll be beautiful, babe.

Um... hello?

We're talking about me and my irrational fears, thanks.

Right.

It's not so bad. And you're not puffy.

You're... glowing.

Ugh.

And we'll protect you.

I mean really, how bad can it be?

Just wait.

* Everybody wants a piece of me... *

* I see faces everywhere *

* I try to act like I don't care *

* All their eyes are on me *

* They can see right through me *

* I can't find a way *

* I push and pull until I shout *

* You want a piece of me *

* You wanna lose control and take a bite *

* You want a piece of me *

* I shake and shimmy all through the night *

* You want a piece of me *

* I know what's on your mind *

* I can read the signs *

* You want a piece of me *

* You're not the only one *

* You better get in line *

* Everybody wants a piece of me... *

* Take my eyes, my lips, my hair *

* Take it all and leave me bare *

* There's nothing left but still you want more *

* You'd better be careful what you wish for *

* Pick me up off of the floor *

* And let 'em watch us swing *

* You want a piece of me *

* You wanna lose control and take a bite *

* You want a piece of me *

* Shake and shimmy all through the night *

* You want a piece of me *

* I know what's on your mind *

* I can read the signs *

* You want a piece of me *

* You're not the only one *

* You better get in line *

* Everybody wants a piece of me... *

* Sneak attack and take me in *

* I won't bite I'll let you win *

* There's a you There's a me *

* There's a she and a she *

* Everyone will see *

* You want a piece of me *

* You wanna lose control and take a bite. *

* You want a piece of me *

* Shake and shimmy all through the night *

* You want a piece of me *

* I know what's on your mind *

* I can read the signs *

* You want a piece of me *

* Everybody get in line *

* Everybody wants a piece of me... *

Well, what do you know?

The ugly duckling turned out to be...

a penguin!

Ced...

Truly...

Dashing...

Handsome...

And utterly gorgeous.

I've never seen you look so perfect.

Really?

Do I still look like me?

More than ever.

Where's my girl?

Oh, she's in the bathroom.

Tasi's 'Sheri-ing' her into her dress.

Oh, God.

OWWW!

Relax. Hold still!

It's going into my skull!

Tasi, you know I don't think your babies

should be smelling all those fumes...

Owww.

You ready, Ginger?

Enough with the Aquanet!

I feel like I'm in drag.

Have you no respect for my masterpiece?!

I worked two hours on that hair -

as if my fingers were not swollen enough.

Don't mess with the pregnant lady.

Damn, woman. You look hot!

I've forgotten all my moves.

I got moves.

I know you do.

Down, girls, we've got a competition

to get kicked out of.

Let's go get your number.

Do you really think we'll get kicked out?

Mmmm...

This couple here... lovely, lovely lines.

And this couple here...

not so much.

Campari and Saunders.

Oh, Tasi, dear... You've changed partners.

I wondered when...

Oh, Toni...

- Cedric. - Mimi.

- You're not competing? - No. I am.

You are?

Like that?

But with whom, dear?

With my partner, Mona Saunders.

She's on your sheet. May we have our number please?

I don't think so.

Is this some sort of joke to you?

This event is a serious competition

for serious dancers.

Why, in all my years, I have never...

I would never...

Where is Sheri?

Where is your mother?

Even she wouldn't approve of this.

I mean, my God, to think...

Whatever happened to Tasi?

Oh, I see.

How unfortunate.

Is there a problem?

Oh, you'd better believe there's a problem.

Well, I'm just going to have to go

speak to the judges about this.

You do that, Mrs. Orlo.

Man the check-in table, Missy.

Yes, ma'am!

Yeah, it looks like we're getting kicked out.

Ooo, this is fun!

I'm just sorry you're not gonna have a chance

to show them how amazing you are.

You want a number? I'll get you a number.

You wanna dance, Missy?

No, ma'am.

Get this on her! They're starting!

I love you. You're crazy.

You too. We learned from the best, right?

You can knock a Campari girl up, but you can't knock her down.

Now knock 'em dead!

Couple number 11,

please exit the dance area and approach the judges' table.

Couple number 11.

Oh, it is on!

No!

No, no, no, no, no!

This is not happening!

We are dancing here!

Oh, now it's on.

Sheri, you cannot honestly support this charade.

It makes a mockery out of everything

that we have worked so hard to build.

Don't 'we' me, Mimi.

The only problem we have here is this unfortunate pause

in my daughter's performance.

Please, Sheri...

She-ree!

Mrs. Campari!

You have to understand how irregular this is.

We can't allow a couple of this nature on the dance floor.

It's... it's not natural.

I'm afraid that couple number 11 is disqualified.

Disqualified?

Am I hearing you correctly, George?

Please do not make a scene here.

Mom, it's OK.

It is not OK!

My daughter does not get disqualified!

How can you sit there and judge anything but dancing?

Where in the by-laws does it say what's regular?

It says lead and follow.

The pronouns are extraperfluous.

Actually, right here on page 26, it clearly states...

Oh, stuff your by-laws!

Who reads that poopyscoot anyway?

I'm talking about competing here.

If we bar them from dancing, next thing you know

you'll disqualify couple number 29 because he's ugly,

or Jeff and Cindy, because of her shoes.

I mean really, did you see them?

She can't dance.

She can't possibly perform in those.

Mom!

No. We can win this.

My daughter has been training to lead her whole life -

longer than any of these amateurs.

It's happening.

You're damn right it's happening!

My daughter is dancing here!

No! Your daughter is having babies.

Now?!

Anastasia, only one guest!

Not her!

- Who the heck is Anastasia? - Shut up, Ced!

Now, Tasi,

I want you to take a big breath in and a big push,

just like the last one, OK?

Yeah!

Alright, here we go.

Big breath in...

And push!

...5, 6, 7, 8, ah 1, 2, 3, 4...

Oh, no, no, no!

You can't smoke in here!

Oh, really? Is that so, then?

Exactly where does one go to relieve oneself?

Well, there's a bathroom at the end of the hall,

but you can't smoke there either.

In fact, you can't smoke within 20 feet

of any hospital entrance!

Mercy. I'm in hell.

I have officially entered hell.

OK...

Now, push.

Ready to push?

OK, you're gonna push...

Push! Push! Push!

That's it. Good girl!

I can see the top of the head!

Now with this next contraction,

we could really make some progress.

Holy...

Ced, stay with me! I need you here!

You're doin' so good, baby.

You're doin' soooo good! Come on!

Toni, your frame's a mess.

And, Mona...

They're perfect!

They're... Ceddie?

The babies? They're here?!

That's right, Grammy.

Oooooh!

There we go!

Oooh, my God!

She loves them so much.

Well done.

Did I scare you?

Did grandma scare you?

1-2-3, 2-2-3... 1-2-3, 2-2-3...

And so it begins...

Ah 5, 6, 7, 8...

* The weather here is perfect *

* I'll lay it out frame by frame *

* I'll write a plea for you to visit *

* On a 4x6 cardstock with your name... *

* I know you can't see it *

* But the grass out here is greener *

* I'll remember this picture *

* Oh...

* How I wish you were here *

* The air is cool

* At the wrong time of year *

* Did you see

* On the bottom

* The red and white lines

* The postman's calling you

* To my skyline...

* My return address

* Would really be complete

* If you were right here with me *

* So I'll peel the stamp

* And write persuasively

* "I don't really live here" *

* But I swear it feels like home *

* How I wish you were here *

* The air is cool

* At the wrong time of year *

* Did you see

* On the bottom

* The red and white lines

* The postman's calling you

* To my skyline...

* I swear it feels like home... *

* Family can't be trusted

* The weather changes too

* You need something permanent *

* To set your dreams with glue *

* I can't promise heaven

* That's something only God can do *

* But if you want to talk to him *

* I'll make sure your call gets through *

* 'Cause you belong to me... *

* God said I could have you *

* You belong to me

* Now, your mother used to hold you *

* Every time you cried

* And your neighbors used to check up on you *

* When you tried to hide

* Now, your mother cannot hear you *

* And the neighbors moved away *

* So listen very closely

* To every word I say

* 'Cause you belong to me... *

* God said I can have you *

* You belong to me...

* You belong to me

* God said I could have you *

* You belong to me...

* Call me when you're lonely *

* Call me when you're down *

* My door is always open *

* And there's always more around *

* If you come for answers

* You'll have to wait in line *

* But if you come for earthly things *

* I'll show you a good time *

* 'Cause you belong to me... *

* God said I could have you *

* You belong to me

* You belong...

* God said I could have you *

* You belong to me...

LET LOVE LEAD