Original subtitles

Oh, Hayley, you know what I drove by the other day?

That old place we always used to go to when you were little,

the ice cream shop with the kinda confusing name?

- Hot Scoops? - Yeah.

Whaddya you say we go after this,

for old times' sake?

Ah, wish I could, Big Mama

but I gotta, uh... get to work.

I thought Sub Hub was still closed

because of that whole horse meat thing.

You know, how they found out it was actually raccoon meat?

That's right, huh?

I meant, um, I have a...

ah, let's see...

Groff Progressive Student Alliance meeting.

On Cesar Chavez Day?

Babe, it's the Scholastic Book Fair

at the middle school today.

Can I get an advance on my allowance?

Okay, but no "Goosebumps."

You'll be awake all night.

Since when does Hayley have that kind of loot?

Hm, must be pickin' up a little extra scratch somehow.

Some, uh, walkin' around money?

Chuckle cheddar? Some funky frog-skins?

Play-Doh, lil stash o' cushion cash.

But where is Hayley picking up that kind of wallet candy?

Must get it from me.

The ability to make money, that is,

not the money itself.

As you know, having come from poverty,

I pride myself on my ability to provide this family

a high standard of living.

Steve-o, heads up.

Escargot, comin' in hot.

Hold up, gettin' a call from my financial planner.

Scotty Boombotty.

Lemme get somewhere quiet so you can really scream

those big-ass numbers at me.

Double digit gains, you say?

- No. I said "devastating losses." - What?

I told you not to put everything you had into pornographic pogs.

But the children of the '90s are all grown up.

Naturally they'll now be looking for pogs

with more adult-oriented content.

I remember the words "sure thing" being said.

By you. I begged you not to do it.

Okay, give it to me straight.

How much have I lost?

Stan...

you're gonna lose the house.

No one must know.

No one must know that anything is wrong.

Porn pogs must've gone tits up.

I don't think he's coming down.

Ah, shizballs, I gotta scoot.

Here, can you stick this on Dad's back for me?

For your trouble.

Since when does Hayley have a bleeper?

Are you trying to say "beeper"?

Where the hell is this guy?

I got shit I gotta do.

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

No one must know.

No one must know that I've bankrupted the family.

You've bankrupted the what now?

Probably shoulda done this in the bathroom.

You heard nothing.

Looks like you're gonna have to find us

some money fast, Francine.

One more thing to worry about.

What else is weighing on you?

Those chimpanzees in the news,

that've been stepping on landmines

and losing their limbs?

The chimp-u-tees?

No, it's Hayley.

Klaus, I think she might be...

- dealing. - Pai Gow?

- Drugs. - Cool. But no way.

Hayley's a drug doer, not a drug dealer.

Oh, yeah? What about the money,

the secretiveness, the bleeper...

Sometimes I feel like I don't know her at all.

It's not like it was when she was little.

We were two peas in a pod back then.

Inseparable.

And everywhere we went people just ate us right up, too.

You've heard the term "daughter-mama-charm-a-rama"?

No, never.

Well, we were a mega daughter-mama-charm-a-rama.

Oh, well, that I've hear.

But that was when she was a kid.

Now, honestly, God knows what she could be up to.

Why would you put this in here?

- Whatcha doing? - Nothing.

Say, what's in the duffel bag?

Nothing. Gotta go.

You've been making that face a lot lately.

Mm. Like this. Mm.

This face. Mm.

I've ruined us, Roger.

All our money, our iconic house, gone.

Oh, so you need to pick up a little extra scratch?

Funky frog-skins?

A little zip-a-dee-moo-lah?

'Scuse me one sec.

You. Don't move.

Rugged despair, salt-and-pepper stubble,

Buzz Lightyear chin...

Why are you wearing a garbage bag?

I didn't bring a costume with me so I had to make do

with what I could find in the bathroom trash can.

Giardia Capitosto, Web Ad Stock Photo Talent Manager.

The internet needs handsome,

graying, worried faces like yours.

Erectile dysfunction, reverse mortgages, 401k mismanagement...

from now on, you could be the face of them all.

- Is there money in that? - I think so?

All I know is you've got it, kid,

and I'm gonna put you in the pictures.

The little pictures at the bottom of the screen

on Barstool Sports.

What the hell are you doing in that bush?

If you must know, I am trying to sneak into

my ex-boyfriend's apartment.

Sheila?

Oh, great.

- Aah! - The jib is up.

I know you've been pushing...

...arthritis medication?

It's true. These last few months

I've had a secret side hustle going as a...

pharmaceutical representative.

So that's how you've been making all that extra money?

Pushing pills for Big Pharma.

Mom, I am begging you to keep this secret.

If anyone at the Groff Progressives found out...

Oh, I'll keep it secret, alright.

Secret like a fox.

- What does that... - I want in.

I want to push pills for Big Pharma, too.

Isn't this whole Pharma rep thing a little shady, though?

Buttering up a bunch of pervy old doctors to...

Informing a bunch of pervy old doctors,

about a miracle arthritis drug

that really will help so many people.

Hey, if I ever found out Bendjuvanex wasn't all

it's cracked up to be, I would quit like that.

But this drug is the real deal.

Derived from armadillo mucin humanely harvested

from the best-treated armadillos in the world.

Plus, it's been a great way

to make a little extra scratch, ya know?

That light-green good-good.

Our scientists start with the best part

of the armadillo, the mucin.

And through a proprietary extraction technology

yield an efficacy rate of 42% over placebo...

...with a Bayesian credible interval

of .52 to 1.39.

Alleviation of arthritic immobility reaches

39% and 47%...

over leading generic therapies

at initial dosages...

...of 200 and 400 milligrams respectively.

Other compelling numbers include 27,

7,000, 70,000...

Okay, thanks so much,

but I think I'll just stick with generics.

Have a blessed day.

Another bust.

The commissions came so easy at first, but lately...

Maybe it's time to just hang it up.

Or maybe we just need to jazz up our pitch a little...

Mom, I've been doing this a while now, okay?

This is how we do it.

Alright, sugar dumpling,

now, y'all don't forget your chip clips

and your pen-flashlight-thumbdrive.

Oh, sweet.

And I'll be in touch with those Shark tickets, too.

Do you come with the tickets?

Listen, y'all keep those prescriptions

a-scribble-dibble-doodlin', and I just might.

Kidding not kidding.

Oh, I will.

Also kidding.

I'm not kidding.

There he is.

My worried web ad Adonis.

So rugged. So handsome.

So haunted.

Brian, your KFC Famous Bowl is here.

- Don't move a muscle. - Bubbeleh, amazing news.

We already have another 10 gigs lined up.

Your money troubles are finito.

Ah. Oh, my God, thank you, Roger.

Giardia Something-Something.

This is such a relief.

Now, you've just taken out a reverse mortgage,

and you're rocked to your very core

contemplating the unforeseen risks.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

What the... You, trash woman, over here.

- What's up? - What happened?

- He's lost the look. - The what?

The look. Look.

Just look at him.

Oh, yeah.

God, he sucks.

Where's the concern?

The stunned, grave, soul-piercing worry?

It's not there. He's [BLEEP] it up.

- I got this. - What's up. Everything good?

Hmm, you know, on the set of "The Exorcist,"

Billy Friedkin once slapped an actor

to get the stunned, haunted look he needed.

Well, that's a really interesting bit of movie trivia.

- Thanks for... - There it is. Go, go, go.

- Hayley, listen! - Aah!

Sorry. Look, I know you wanna stick to facts and figures,

but if we're gonna keep this gig goin'

and the money a-flowin', we have to change things up.

Okay, well, just how, exactly?

By focusing on the four S's...

sex, sass, and swag.

That's three. What's the fourth "S"?

It's "us."

The "S" is at the end of that one.

Us. You and me.

The daughter-mama-charm-a-rama.

Trust me.

This is how we do it.

♪ This is how we do it ♪

♪ Sha, la, la, la, la, la, lo ♪

♪ This is how we do it ♪

♪ Sha, la, la, la, la, la, lo ♪

Okay, I'll do anything you want.

Just give it to me.

♪ This is how we do it ♪

♪ I'll never come wack on an old-school track ♪

♪ This is how we do it ♪

♪ I'm kinda buzzed, it's all because ♪

♪ This is how we do it ♪

♪ South Central does it like nobody does ♪

♪ This is how we do it ♪

♪ Oh, it's party time ♪

♪ This is how we do it ♪

♪ Straight up comin' from the West Side ♪

♪ This is how we do it ♪

♪ OG's got the flavor, yeah ♪

♪ This is how we do it ♪

Hmm, the broad's got the right look,

but your boy...

On it.

And this is how we do it.

- Who are you talking to? - Anyone who'll listen.

♪ This is how we do it ♪

- ♪ South Central does it like nobody does ♪ - _

♪ This is how we do it ♪

- ♪ To all my neighbors you got much flavor ♪ - _

♪ This is how we do it ♪

- ♪ I'll never come wack on an old-school track ♪ - _

♪ This is how we do it ♪

- ♪ I'm kinda buzzed, it's all because ♪ - _

♪ This is how we... ♪

Have we made enough money to save the house yet?

Not quite, love.

But never fear.

Because you're moving up to the big leagues...

a live-action TV commercial for, wait for it, Bendjuvanex.

One last big slap, and your money troubles are finito.

Whaddya say we go to BJ's and celebrate with a Pizookie?

One more big slap,

and your troubles could be just beginning.

Oh, right, I forgot we were here.

All those slaps have left your face as fragile

as a gossamer veil of ice atop a springtime lagoon.

My God, that's...

a beautiful description.

The point is, even one more slap

to Stan's bullshit face bones

and he risks...

a full facial cave-in.

I still wanna get a Pizookie.

I give you our new top regional reps,

Hayley and Francine Smith,

who will be receiving a hefty bonus and the honor

of driving the Bendjuvanex Pillmobile.

I couldn'a done it without ya.

So here's to you, Big Mama.

Nah, nah, nah, Little Mama. To us.

I couldn't've done it without you either.

No us? No magic.

And no magic...

no mona-a-a-y.

Aight, I gotta use the little reps' room.

Congra-a-a-a-tulations to the big hero.

You wanna go, brah?

What's your problem, chief?

Our problem is Bendjuvanex.

I was the lead scientist who developed it.

And this miracle drug that I made,

and that you're selling...

isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Oh, no.

Does it not work?

What? It works great.

I take it myself.

In fact, it works too great.

The clinical trials all went so well at first.

The subjects' arthritis improved rapidly.

But soon, after ingesting all that damn mucin,

they must've built up so many armadillo pheromones that...

they began to attract...

...predators.

First came the coyotes.

Our headquarters was right next to a desert.

Then the bears, owls,

red-tailed hawks, a few Komodo dragons.

94% of the non-control group

was killed by armadillo predators.

Well, that was in a lab setting.

We don't know it'll translate to...

Yes, we do!

And we covered it up!

God knows what we're unleashing on the world!

Shame on all of us!

I didn't get to finish my negroni!

Hey.

Did I miss anything?

Nope. In fact, you're getting half a negroni.

Make sure you got the Bendjuvanex barbecue set.

The doc we're seeing here is a total swag hag.

Hey, you can't park that there!

It's okay! We're top regional reps!

His office is just through the E.R.

Another coyote bite here.

Komodo dragon just tore through the Ruby Tuesday's on Sixth.

- Incoming! - Coyotes?

Komodo... What the hell is going on?

I have no idea.

Oh, don't you?

This is exactly what I warned you would happen.

Mom, what's this guy talking about?

I'm talking about Bendjuvanex.

They knew this would happen.

They knew and they covered it up.

And so did she.

- Wha... I... - Bear!

Oh, God, what have we done?

So this is true?

And you... knew?

I... didn't know for sure that...

And you let me go out there with you,

pushing this death drug onto people?

- I just... I needed... - You needed what?

A little extra scratch?

How could you?

I... I never want to speak to you again.

Can you do me a solid?

Check out my toe tag. Tell me what it says?

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

"Goner."

Are you sure you want me to slap you, Stan?

If you care to remember, your face might cave in.

I'm afraid we have no choice.

It's a risk I'll just have to take.

I needs dem clams.

Whoa. Now, that's what I call grave, soul-piercing worry.

Stan. Lock that in.

You got back the look. It's a miracle.

What the... What... What the hell is this?

Weren't you just a photographer a few weeks ago?

Yeah, my career has advanced, too.

I'm a director now.

But this is an "after" commercial.

After the drug has given hm a new lease on life.

I need ease, contentment, joy.

Quick, Stan, smile.

I... I can't. I'm locked in here.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Roger, slap me.

If you could slap worry onto my face,

just maybe you can slap it...

♪ Bendjuvanex ♪

Look forward again to the free time,

the quality time,

the good times.

Bendjuvanex.

Look forward again...

to what's around the bend.

♪ Bend, bend, Bendjuvanex ♪

Side effects, while rare, may include hypoxia,

hypothermia, heart palpitations, hyperhydrosis,

hydrohyposis, encephalitis, elephantitis, and weeping anus.

If you experience weeping anus that lasts longer

than 24 hours, that's a bad sign.

If while taking the drug you see any coyotes, bears,

owls, Komodo dragons or various desert raptors lurking nearby,

don't worry about it. It's probably just your imagination.

♪ Bendjuvan... ♪

They're still covering it all up and selling the damn stuff.

Sorry, what? No one's been keeping me

in the loop on this one.

You were, dealing Pai Gow or something?

- This a religious thing? - No.

I'm here on behalf of Bobo's Promise,

the chimp-u-tee char-i-tee?

Are you Francine Smith?

[BLEEP] no.

Oh, well, we're here to thank her

for the generous weekly donations

of $10,000

she's been making for the past two months.

Wait, that would've been her entire share

of everything we made, from the very start...

"Made."

So that means there's no more money?

Ah, crap, I'm selling this thing for scrap metal, then.

See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya, Bobo.

So you didn't do it for the money?

No.

I knew your dad was taking care of that.

I mean, his face is all over the dang internet.

The money... was always just an excuse.

- For what? - To hang out with you.

Like we did when you were little.

That's why I didn't tell you when I found out about the drug.

I just didn't want it to end.

I'm sorry, kiddo.

Now, come on. Let's go [BLEEP]

that [BLEEP] pharmaceutical company's shit

right up in the [BLEEP] face.

Alright, we go in through the vents,

make our way to the C-suite,

download the secret animal attack data,

and get it to the press.

Why'd you bring the t-shirt cannon?

Case we run into any trouble.

Got it.

Hand it over, ladies.

Quick, Hayley.

Charm him.

You think you can tug

at my heartstrings?

I'm a pharmaceutical executive.

I don't have any.

Run!

Gotcha.

Hey. Skinko.

Time to take your medicine.

Oh, no.

Mr. Skinko, coyotes have

breached the perimeter and are in the vents.

Armadillo tuck.

You know, we should do this more often.

Hang out, that is, not, you know, this.

Now, that's what I call a little extra scratch.

Let's get outta here.

This is actually pretty gruesome.

Bye. Have a great time.

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com