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1
00:00:04,759 --> 00:00:08,361
[upbeat saxophone music]
2
00:00:08,362 --> 00:00:12,298
- ? Happy birthday to me ?
3
00:00:12,299 --> 00:00:16,369
all:
? Happy birthday to you ?
4
00:00:16,370 --> 00:00:20,106
? Happy birthday, dear George ?
5
00:00:20,107 --> 00:00:21,307
- A little louder!
6
00:00:21,308 --> 00:00:26,746
all:
? Happy birthday to you ?
7
00:00:26,747 --> 00:00:28,215
[dog howls]
8
00:00:31,385 --> 00:00:33,420
- Yay!
9
00:00:33,421 --> 00:00:36,256
Happy 63rd birthday, Dad.
- Oh, thanks, Mayan.
10
00:00:36,257 --> 00:00:38,825
This is my first sober birthday
since I was 16.
11
00:00:38,826 --> 00:00:42,595
I started drinking late.
12
00:00:42,596 --> 00:00:45,498
- It's a miracle you still
know when your birthday is.
13
00:00:45,499 --> 00:00:46,633
- I don't.
14
00:00:46,634 --> 00:00:49,469
I sing "Happy Birthday"
every morning, just in case.
15
00:00:49,470 --> 00:00:53,473
But I'm gonna remember this
year, so make it memorable.
16
00:00:53,474 --> 00:00:54,524
Boop!
17
00:00:56,444 --> 00:01:00,513
- Well, we all chipped in
to get you a little something.
18
00:01:00,514 --> 00:01:03,184
- Gimme, gimme, gimme!
Oh!
19
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:07,487
The hell is this?
20
00:01:07,488 --> 00:01:10,690
- It's a shower chair
for seniors.
21
00:01:10,691 --> 00:01:12,293
But anyone can use it.
22
00:01:13,387 --> 00:01:16,763
- You're always
talking about how sleepy
23
00:01:16,764 --> 00:01:19,299
you get in the shower.
24
00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:22,836
- Which is why I don't
do it that often.
25
00:01:22,837 --> 00:01:23,837
- Yeah, well the
receipt's in the bag
26
00:01:23,838 --> 00:01:25,438
if you wanna return it.
27
00:01:25,439 --> 00:01:27,640
- So you're giving me an errand
to run on my birthday?
28
00:01:27,641 --> 00:01:28,641
Thank you.
29
00:01:28,642 --> 00:01:30,543
Maybe I can exchange it
for some catheters.
30
00:01:30,544 --> 00:01:32,645
[phone dings]
31
00:01:32,646 --> 00:01:39,185
- Nana, you just missed a call
from Cochino Number One.
32
00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:41,654
But Grandpa's right here.
33
00:01:41,655 --> 00:01:46,192
- It's just my
two-timing ex, Josu�.
34
00:01:46,193 --> 00:01:47,327
- Since he broke
your nana's heart,
35
00:01:47,328 --> 00:01:50,164
I'm now Cochino Number Two.
36
00:01:51,799 --> 00:01:53,400
- Mom, why is he calling you?
37
00:01:53,401 --> 00:01:55,668
- They always come
crawling back, Mayan.
38
00:01:55,669 --> 00:02:00,340
Usually because I kick them
in the knees before they go.
39
00:02:00,341 --> 00:02:01,875
- You're not getting back
together with him, are you?
40
00:02:01,876 --> 00:02:03,343
- No.
41
00:02:03,344 --> 00:02:04,644
I am never speaking
to him again.
42
00:02:04,645 --> 00:02:06,780
I am D-O-N-E.
43
00:02:06,781 --> 00:02:10,751
- Are you spelling stuff
so Grandpa won't understand?
44
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:13,953
- Who cares what she said?
45
00:02:13,954 --> 00:02:17,524
Today is about M-I, me.
46
00:02:17,525 --> 00:02:19,826
Now in the words
of Marie Antoinette,
47
00:02:19,827 --> 00:02:22,228
[imitates French accent] Mayan,
go on and slice the cake.
48
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:24,265
Oh-ho.
49
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:28,001
- Chance,
don't leave your skateboard
50
00:02:28,002 --> 00:02:29,302
in the middle of the floor.
51
00:02:29,303 --> 00:02:31,304
Someone could get hurt.
- I got it.
52
00:02:31,305 --> 00:02:34,474
I used to skateboard
drunk in my underwear.
53
00:02:34,475 --> 00:02:37,365
Everybody in the neighborhood
would call me Chonie Hawk.
54
00:02:37,745 --> 00:02:40,614
I'd put my underwear like
a thong to go faster.
55
00:02:42,883 --> 00:02:43,933
- Dad, watch out!
56
00:02:48,289 --> 00:02:50,824
- Oh, my God!
- Did you break anything?
57
00:02:50,825 --> 00:02:53,426
- I got him.
I don't got him.
58
00:02:53,427 --> 00:02:55,662
- I don't need any help.
59
00:02:55,663 --> 00:02:57,430
- We should get him
to a doctor.
60
00:02:57,431 --> 00:02:58,665
He might have broken his hip.
61
00:02:58,666 --> 00:03:01,000
- Oh!
Mexico's four hours away.
62
00:03:01,001 --> 00:03:02,811
We don't have time for that.
I'm fine.
63
00:03:07,341 --> 00:03:10,276
[upbeat saxophone music]
64
00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:17,385
? ?
65
00:03:22,156 --> 00:03:25,525
So I skateboarded
into the kitchen,
66
00:03:25,526 --> 00:03:28,328
{\an8}crashed face-first
into my birthday cake,
67
00:03:28,329 --> 00:03:31,498
{\an8}then fell flat on my pompis.
68
00:03:31,499 --> 00:03:34,734
{\an8}- They didn't laugh?
What is wrong with them?
69
00:03:34,735 --> 00:03:37,604
{\an8}- I mean, I've fallen
into ditches, toilets,
70
00:03:37,605 --> 00:03:40,341
{\an8}the fountains at the Bellagio.
71
00:03:40,342 --> 00:03:42,642
{\an8}They always laughed.
72
00:03:42,643 --> 00:03:45,779
{\an8}- When old people fall,
it is hilarious.
73
00:03:45,780 --> 00:03:47,547
{\an8}- But I'm not old.
74
00:03:47,548 --> 00:03:50,850
{\an8}- Oh, no.
It's starting.
75
00:03:50,851 --> 00:03:54,621
{\an8}- [shouting]
Do you know where you are?
76
00:03:54,622 --> 00:03:57,323
{\an8}- You and I are
practically the same age.
77
00:03:57,324 --> 00:04:00,326
{\an8}- I'm 20 years younger
than you, dude.
78
00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:03,396
{\an8}You could be my dad.
79
00:04:03,397 --> 00:04:05,700
{\an8}Could you be my dad?
- Oh.
80
00:04:06,967 --> 00:04:09,102
{\an8}I mean,
81
00:04:09,103 --> 00:04:11,471
{\an8}when I look in the mirror,
I see a young,
82
00:04:11,472 --> 00:04:14,808
{\an8}rakishly handsome bon vivant.
83
00:04:14,809 --> 00:04:16,476
{\an8}Don't you see him, Oscar?
84
00:04:16,477 --> 00:04:19,679
{\an8}- Where is he?
Behind Edward James Olmos?
85
00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:24,918
{\an8}? ?
86
00:04:24,919 --> 00:04:28,688
{\an8}- Glen Powell in my kitchen?
87
00:04:28,689 --> 00:04:32,459
{\an8}Hurry up and kiss me
before my fianc� gets home.
88
00:04:32,460 --> 00:04:34,394
{\an8}- Yeah, I'm on day 12
of my 90-day
89
00:04:34,395 --> 00:04:35,862
{\an8}"build a booty"
workout challenge.
90
00:04:35,863 --> 00:04:37,431
{\an8}Mm!
91
00:04:39,667 --> 00:04:43,103
{\an8}I'm about to be tight
and right for our wedding.
92
00:04:43,104 --> 00:04:45,339
{\an8}- Those shorts are
certainly tight.
93
00:04:47,074 --> 00:04:50,024
{\an8}- I will certainly put on
a second pair of underwear.
94
00:04:50,025 --> 00:04:51,711
{\an8}What is that?
95
00:04:51,712 --> 00:04:53,947
{\an8}- It's a medical alert necklace
for my dad
96
00:04:53,948 --> 00:04:56,449
{\an8}in case he falls again and
nobody's around to help him.
97
00:04:56,450 --> 00:04:58,084
{\an8}- He's never gonna wear that.
98
00:04:58,085 --> 00:05:01,689
{\an8}- Oh, he will if I tell him
it used to belong to Mr. T.
99
00:05:03,557 --> 00:05:06,267
{\an8}My dad needs to accept
that he's getting older.
100
00:05:13,034 --> 00:05:15,769
- Quinten, you ready
to roll and get swole?
101
00:05:15,770 --> 00:05:18,472
[grunts]
102
00:05:20,641 --> 00:05:22,675
- I am so sorry, George.
103
00:05:22,676 --> 00:05:24,378
I have to ask you
about your hair.
104
00:05:26,447 --> 00:05:27,614
- The answer is yes.
105
00:05:27,615 --> 00:05:29,650
I finally stopped
dying it gray.
106
00:05:30,985 --> 00:05:33,887
You can take the silver
out of the fox,
107
00:05:33,888 --> 00:05:37,858
but you can't take the fox
out of the fox.
108
00:05:40,895 --> 00:05:44,798
- I didn't know you could
Sharpie a whole head of hair.
109
00:05:44,799 --> 00:05:47,767
- You ready to go to the gym?
I'm trying to get ripped up.
110
00:05:47,768 --> 00:05:49,469
I'm trying to get that
V-cut right there.
111
00:05:49,470 --> 00:05:50,870
Boom!
112
00:05:50,871 --> 00:05:53,473
- Oh, why did I let my eyes
follow his hands?
113
00:05:53,474 --> 00:05:55,942
- Yeah.
114
00:05:55,943 --> 00:05:59,546
Oh, before you go, I have
another birthday gift for you.
115
00:05:59,547 --> 00:06:03,616
- Oh?
- It used to belong to Mr. T.
116
00:06:03,617 --> 00:06:06,619
- All right!
That's what's up.
117
00:06:06,620 --> 00:06:08,521
That's a little before my time.
118
00:06:08,522 --> 00:06:10,056
I don't know who that is,
but thanks, all right?
119
00:06:10,057 --> 00:06:12,593
? ?
120
00:06:16,030 --> 00:06:18,465
[upbeat saxophone music]
121
00:06:18,466 --> 00:06:20,133
- I'm here.
122
00:06:20,134 --> 00:06:22,602
You look upset.
123
00:06:22,603 --> 00:06:24,505
Did you eat
something you cooked?
124
00:06:24,645 --> 00:06:28,675
- Chance's school
just called and said that
125
00:06:28,676 --> 00:06:30,610
he used curse words in class.
126
00:06:30,611 --> 00:06:32,479
- Ay, Dios! He did?
127
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:34,481
Which ones?
128
00:06:34,482 --> 00:06:35,815
- If I say them out loud,
129
00:06:35,816 --> 00:06:37,746
you're gonna make me
go to confession.
130
00:06:38,686 --> 00:06:40,487
He said...
[texting blips]
131
00:06:40,488 --> 00:06:41,921
[phone swooshes]
132
00:06:41,922 --> 00:06:43,156
[phone dings]
133
00:06:43,157 --> 00:06:44,892
- [gasps]
134
00:06:46,027 --> 00:06:47,961
No!
- Yes.
135
00:06:47,962 --> 00:06:50,230
And then he said...
[texting blips]
136
00:06:50,231 --> 00:06:51,498
[phone swooshes]
137
00:06:51,499 --> 00:06:53,600
[phone dings]
138
00:06:53,601 --> 00:06:55,135
- Ay, Dios!
139
00:06:55,136 --> 00:06:56,970
- And then he
finished it off with...
140
00:06:56,971 --> 00:06:59,940
[texting blips]
141
00:07:02,043 --> 00:07:04,010
[phone dings]
142
00:07:04,011 --> 00:07:05,846
- Ay, Mayan!
143
00:07:07,815 --> 00:07:10,084
Now I have to throw away
this phone!
144
00:07:10,417 --> 00:07:14,554
- Where did he even learn
to talk like that?
145
00:07:14,555 --> 00:07:16,557
- I know where-from you!
146
00:07:17,692 --> 00:07:20,994
Kids repeat
everything they hear.
147
00:07:20,995 --> 00:07:22,729
- But Quinten and I
don't even swear.
148
00:07:22,730 --> 00:07:24,999
We're pretty gosh darn lame.
149
00:07:27,601 --> 00:07:29,869
- Agreed.
150
00:07:29,870 --> 00:07:31,938
But that's not what I mean.
151
00:07:31,939 --> 00:07:34,908
You let him be exposed to all
kinds of inappropriate things-
152
00:07:34,909 --> 00:07:38,612
violent video games,
racy TikToks, George.
153
00:07:38,679 --> 00:07:42,849
- Mom, shielding your kid
from everything
154
00:07:42,850 --> 00:07:45,552
doesn't guarantee how
they're gonna turn out.
155
00:07:45,553 --> 00:07:46,886
You didn't give me "the talk"
156
00:07:46,887 --> 00:07:49,222
until I was
four months pregnant.
157
00:07:49,223 --> 00:07:51,592
- And you didn't listen.
158
00:07:51,593 --> 00:07:54,627
- What do you think
I should do, Mom?
159
00:07:54,628 --> 00:08:00,767
- Clearly, Chance needs better
role models, like Jesus or moi.
160
00:08:00,768 --> 00:08:03,136
I am going to take him
to my place
161
00:08:03,137 --> 00:08:05,638
this afternoon
for a glorious session
162
00:08:05,639 --> 00:08:08,675
of Bible study
and religious education.
163
00:08:08,676 --> 00:08:11,644
- Oh, that's perfect!
164
00:08:11,645 --> 00:08:12,812
I was having
trouble figuring out
165
00:08:12,813 --> 00:08:14,073
how I was gonna punish him.
166
00:08:15,282 --> 00:08:18,651
? ?
167
00:08:18,652 --> 00:08:21,155
- [hissing]
168
00:08:22,823 --> 00:08:24,091
[grunts]
100.
169
00:08:27,661 --> 00:08:29,329
200.
170
00:08:29,330 --> 00:08:31,364
[grunts]
171
00:08:31,365 --> 00:08:33,333
Oh, 300!
172
00:08:33,334 --> 00:08:35,635
Whoo!
173
00:08:35,636 --> 00:08:37,137
- That was only three presses,
174
00:08:37,138 --> 00:08:39,807
but you probably lost
five pounds of sweat.
175
00:08:41,709 --> 00:08:44,045
- Aw, gross, man.
They gave me a dirty towel.
176
00:08:46,914 --> 00:08:48,615
- You wanna take
a break, buddy?
177
00:08:48,616 --> 00:08:51,384
Maybe talk about
what's happening here?
178
00:08:51,385 --> 00:08:53,720
- Yeah, you know, I don't wanna
talk about it, all right?
179
00:08:53,721 --> 00:08:54,922
I wanna be about it.
180
00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:59,159
- Hey, yo, I wanna use
this bench.
181
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:02,350
Isn't your grandpa supposed to
be at a "Sopranos" convention?
182
00:09:02,382 --> 00:09:04,397
- Spot me.
183
00:09:04,398 --> 00:09:06,700
Oh.
184
00:09:06,701 --> 00:09:09,169
Hey, I'm not his grandpa,
all right?
185
00:09:09,170 --> 00:09:10,804
- Whatever.
186
00:09:10,805 --> 00:09:12,272
I don't need to know
why a buffalo and a duck
187
00:09:12,273 --> 00:09:13,407
are hanging out.
188
00:09:16,410 --> 00:09:19,179
Why don't you get out of here
and take that moldy mop
189
00:09:19,180 --> 00:09:20,748
on your head with you?
190
00:09:22,049 --> 00:09:23,150
- Is that right?
191
00:09:24,151 --> 00:09:25,351
All right, hey.
192
00:09:25,352 --> 00:09:27,387
It's all yours.
193
00:09:27,388 --> 00:09:29,223
I gotta work
on my lats anyways.
194
00:09:32,326 --> 00:09:35,128
- You did the mature thing
walking away, George.
195
00:09:35,129 --> 00:09:36,663
- I didn't come
over here for that.
196
00:09:36,664 --> 00:09:39,065
I came over here for this.
197
00:09:39,066 --> 00:09:40,867
Hey, fool!
198
00:09:40,868 --> 00:09:43,870
You mess with the buffalo,
you get the smoothie.
199
00:09:43,871 --> 00:09:45,338
[cracking]
Ow!
200
00:09:45,339 --> 00:09:48,274
- George! Your shoulder!
201
00:09:48,275 --> 00:09:50,076
It sounded like someone
snapped a crisp carrot.
202
00:09:50,077 --> 00:09:52,212
Come here!
- Just let it hang!
203
00:09:52,213 --> 00:09:55,181
Let it hang! Oh!
204
00:09:55,182 --> 00:09:56,349
I don't need any help!
205
00:09:56,350 --> 00:09:57,951
- Silver alert!
206
00:09:57,952 --> 00:10:00,321
Senior down! Senior down!
207
00:10:02,990 --> 00:10:06,793
- I'm not a senior!
I'm not down!
208
00:10:06,794 --> 00:10:09,696
This isn't Mr. T's necklace!
209
00:10:09,697 --> 00:10:11,899
Ah! Just let it hang!
210
00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:14,902
Ooh! Ooh!
211
00:10:18,506 --> 00:10:21,441
[upbeat saxophone music]
212
00:10:21,442 --> 00:10:23,143
- Nana, can I take a break?
213
00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:25,378
I've read three hours of Bible
214
00:10:25,379 --> 00:10:27,915
and watched
"The Ten Commandments" twice.
215
00:10:29,483 --> 00:10:32,185
That's 20 commandments!
216
00:10:32,186 --> 00:10:34,921
- No break until you color
all the popes
217
00:10:34,922 --> 00:10:37,358
in "The Big Coloring Book
of Papas."
218
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:41,961
- Pretty sure Jesus
has forgiven me.
219
00:10:41,962 --> 00:10:45,265
Why can't you?
220
00:10:45,266 --> 00:10:48,334
- Ay, mi Gordo!
221
00:10:48,335 --> 00:10:50,403
Of course I forgive you.
222
00:10:50,404 --> 00:10:54,074
It's not your fault that
you cursed at school.
223
00:10:54,075 --> 00:10:56,476
Like most things,
it's because your parents
224
00:10:56,477 --> 00:10:57,978
don't go to church.
225
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:01,748
[phone rings]
226
00:11:01,749 --> 00:11:03,316
It's my sister.
Start coloring.
227
00:11:03,317 --> 00:11:05,452
And if you get a hand cramp,
that just means
228
00:11:05,453 --> 00:11:07,121
the Holy Spirit is at work.
229
00:11:12,462 --> 00:11:15,228
- You ready to go home, Chance?
230
00:11:15,229 --> 00:11:16,963
[door shuts]
231
00:11:16,964 --> 00:11:19,367
Ah, "The Big Coloring Book
of Papas."
232
00:11:20,935 --> 00:11:22,069
Been there.
233
00:11:22,422 --> 00:11:24,270
Where's your nana?
234
00:11:24,271 --> 00:11:26,439
- She's on the phone
with T�a Mari.
235
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,942
- Can you [bleep] believe
236
00:11:28,943 --> 00:11:33,380
this mother[bleep]
has been calling me?
237
00:11:33,381 --> 00:11:35,548
Huh?
After everything that he did!
238
00:11:35,549 --> 00:11:37,117
[speaks Spanish]
239
00:11:37,118 --> 00:11:40,820
He is a real...
[bleeping]
240
00:11:40,821 --> 00:11:43,957
[speaking Spanish]
[bleep], [bleep].
241
00:11:43,958 --> 00:11:45,291
- Mom!
242
00:11:45,292 --> 00:11:48,128
- Ay!
Hang on, Mari.
243
00:11:48,129 --> 00:11:50,997
My [bleep] daughter
is calling for me.
244
00:11:50,998 --> 00:11:56,269
? ?
245
00:11:56,270 --> 00:11:58,304
- I've got an ice pack
and a defibrillator.
246
00:11:58,305 --> 00:11:59,355
Pick your poison.
247
00:12:00,841 --> 00:12:02,409
- The hell, man? I'm fine.
248
00:12:02,410 --> 00:12:05,011
Stop treating me like
I'm about to break.
249
00:12:05,012 --> 00:12:08,281
- You're not about to break.
You did break.
250
00:12:08,282 --> 00:12:09,883
You threw that smoothie
four feet.
251
00:12:09,884 --> 00:12:12,419
your arm basically
left your body.
252
00:12:12,420 --> 00:12:15,088
- Everybody needs to stop
treating me like I'm old.
253
00:12:15,089 --> 00:12:17,891
And when I crashed
into my birthday cake,
254
00:12:17,892 --> 00:12:19,426
you all should have
laughed at me.
255
00:12:19,427 --> 00:12:22,163
Instead, you showed concern.
Oh, so mean!
256
00:12:24,165 --> 00:12:25,965
- I'm sorry that we love you?
257
00:12:25,966 --> 00:12:27,367
- That's how you treat people
258
00:12:27,368 --> 00:12:29,203
when you think
they're about to die.
259
00:12:31,072 --> 00:12:33,339
- You can't control
getting older, George.
260
00:12:33,340 --> 00:12:35,690
All you can control is
how you let it affect you.
261
00:12:37,144 --> 00:12:39,446
You wanna know why
I come to the gym?
262
00:12:39,447 --> 00:12:41,981
- Yeah, so you don't hear
people whisper at your wedding,
263
00:12:41,982 --> 00:12:44,317
"How did he get her?"
264
00:12:44,318 --> 00:12:46,186
- No.
265
00:12:46,187 --> 00:12:47,587
Sort of.
266
00:12:47,588 --> 00:12:49,622
I started coming
because I wanted to look good
267
00:12:49,623 --> 00:12:51,291
walking down the aisle.
268
00:12:51,292 --> 00:12:53,326
But after your fall,
I got a new motivation.
269
00:12:53,327 --> 00:12:59,399
I-I wanna have a strong,
fit body for you.
270
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,202
- I know watching me work out
has awakened something in you,
271
00:13:02,203 --> 00:13:05,005
but I can't do that to Mayan.
272
00:13:06,507 --> 00:13:08,342
- No!
273
00:13:08,343 --> 00:13:11,277
I wanna be strong enough
to be able to help lift you up
274
00:13:11,278 --> 00:13:13,980
when you get knocked down.
275
00:13:13,981 --> 00:13:16,216
- Man, I gotta tell you that
276
00:13:16,217 --> 00:13:17,584
you've been helping me stay
on my feet ever since
277
00:13:17,585 --> 00:13:19,420
I came back into the family.
278
00:13:19,421 --> 00:13:22,188
And I'm really happy
that you're gonna be
279
00:13:22,189 --> 00:13:23,991
my son-in-law, Quinten.
280
00:13:23,992 --> 00:13:26,559
- Hey, I'm glad
you're feeling better.
281
00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:28,228
- Yeah, what would make
me feel better
282
00:13:28,229 --> 00:13:29,562
is if you guys
worried less about me
283
00:13:29,563 --> 00:13:31,931
and started
to make fun of me more.
284
00:13:31,932 --> 00:13:32,999
- You want us
to make fun of you?
285
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,467
- Yeah!
286
00:13:34,468 --> 00:13:36,236
And I'm not talking
about light ribbing.
287
00:13:36,237 --> 00:13:38,571
I wanna feel like
I'm being abused.
288
00:13:38,572 --> 00:13:39,939
- Silver alert!
289
00:13:39,940 --> 00:13:42,375
Senior abuse! Senior abuse!
290
00:13:42,376 --> 00:13:45,979
- I gotta get rid
of this stupid thing!
291
00:13:45,980 --> 00:13:47,914
- Ow!
292
00:13:47,915 --> 00:13:50,050
My eye!
293
00:13:50,051 --> 00:13:52,085
Who did this?
294
00:13:52,086 --> 00:13:54,087
- I got him!
295
00:13:54,088 --> 00:13:55,555
- You!
296
00:13:55,556 --> 00:13:56,656
- Don't hurt me.
I'm old.
297
00:13:56,657 --> 00:13:59,126
Oh, let it hang!
298
00:14:00,194 --> 00:14:05,532
? ?
299
00:14:05,533 --> 00:14:06,366
- What's so important?
300
00:14:06,367 --> 00:14:07,600
I was on the phone
with my sister.
301
00:14:07,601 --> 00:14:11,138
- You were cursing like you
just got your own HBO special.
302
00:14:13,107 --> 00:14:15,275
Chance and I
could hear everything.
303
00:14:15,276 --> 00:14:19,179
- How could that be?
The door was closed.
304
00:14:19,180 --> 00:14:22,248
- But your potty mouth
was wide open.
305
00:14:22,249 --> 00:14:23,650
I don't know if you know this,
306
00:14:23,651 --> 00:14:26,120
but kids repeat
everything they hear.
307
00:14:28,322 --> 00:14:30,123
- I guess I owe
someone an apology.
308
00:14:30,124 --> 00:14:31,391
- You certainly d-
309
00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:33,094
- Chance!
310
00:14:34,028 --> 00:14:36,262
I am so sorry.
311
00:14:36,263 --> 00:14:40,300
Those words weren't meant
for your innocent angel ears.
312
00:14:40,301 --> 00:14:43,169
Can you find it in your heart
to forgive your nana?
313
00:14:43,170 --> 00:14:45,271
- Never make me
color a pope again,
314
00:14:45,272 --> 00:14:47,562
and you've got yourself
a [bleep] deal, Nana.
315
00:14:50,644 --> 00:14:53,147
I'll go wash my mouth out.
316
00:14:56,584 --> 00:14:59,753
- Why were you using
that kind of language anyway?
317
00:14:59,754 --> 00:15:02,222
It's not like you.
318
00:15:02,223 --> 00:15:04,324
- Remember when I said
I was over Josu�?
319
00:15:04,325 --> 00:15:06,359
[sighs]
I thought I was,
320
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,328
but since he's been calling,
321
00:15:08,329 --> 00:15:10,730
I guess everything
I had bottled up
322
00:15:10,731 --> 00:15:14,067
has been coming out
in four-letter words.
323
00:15:14,068 --> 00:15:16,736
Or sometimes
eight-letter words.
324
00:15:16,737 --> 00:15:18,639
The occasional 12-letter word.
325
00:15:21,642 --> 00:15:25,678
- Mom, I'm so sorry
it's been so hard.
326
00:15:25,679 --> 00:15:28,348
You know I'm here
whenever you need to talk.
327
00:15:28,349 --> 00:15:31,652
Always.
- Thank you.
328
00:15:34,722 --> 00:15:38,124
- And for the record,
I also agree that Josu�
329
00:15:38,125 --> 00:15:40,760
is a real...
[texting blips]
330
00:15:40,761 --> 00:15:43,163
[phone dings]
331
00:15:43,164 --> 00:15:44,531
- [gasps]
332
00:15:44,532 --> 00:15:46,534
Mayan!
333
00:15:48,369 --> 00:15:50,671
Maybe you're not
so lame after all.
334
00:15:53,074 --> 00:15:54,607
- I couldn't find any soap,
335
00:15:54,608 --> 00:15:57,144
so I washed my mouth out
with cookies.
336
00:16:00,715 --> 00:16:03,317
? ?
337
00:16:06,787 --> 00:16:08,722
[upbeat saxophone music]
338
00:16:08,723 --> 00:16:10,457
all:
Surprise!
339
00:16:10,458 --> 00:16:12,258
- Another birthday party?
340
00:16:12,259 --> 00:16:13,460
Come on, don't spoil me.
341
00:16:13,461 --> 00:16:15,528
All right, you can spoil me.
342
00:16:15,529 --> 00:16:17,464
{\an8}- Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
343
00:16:17,465 --> 00:16:22,269
{\an8}our guest of honor to
"The Roast of George Lopez."
344
00:16:27,375 --> 00:16:29,485
{\an8}- You guys are gonna
make fun of me?
345
00:16:30,444 --> 00:16:32,494
{\an8}You really do love me,
don't you?
346
00:16:32,495 --> 00:16:36,583
- We invited some of George's
friends here tonight.
347
00:16:36,584 --> 00:16:38,318
They didn't come
because they stopped
348
00:16:38,319 --> 00:16:39,619
talking to him years ago.
349
00:16:39,620 --> 00:16:41,654
That's how
restraining orders work.
350
00:16:41,655 --> 00:16:43,623
- [laughs]
351
00:16:43,624 --> 00:16:46,226
- However, we did bribe
one of George's
352
00:16:46,227 --> 00:16:47,627
long-time friends to come.
353
00:16:47,628 --> 00:16:50,764
Introducing our roastmaster,
Jeff.
354
00:16:50,765 --> 00:16:53,334
- Hey!
355
00:16:54,668 --> 00:16:56,870
Hey.
356
00:16:56,871 --> 00:16:57,921
Hey, guys.
357
00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:02,242
Hola, Se�or Citizen.
358
00:17:02,243 --> 00:17:04,878
- It's Jeff from high school!
359
00:17:04,879 --> 00:17:06,780
Did you lose your hair, or
did it run away from your face?
360
00:17:06,781 --> 00:17:08,481
Hey!
361
00:17:08,482 --> 00:17:10,283
- You're talking about my hair?
362
00:17:10,284 --> 00:17:11,718
What about your hair?
363
00:17:11,719 --> 00:17:14,421
You look like Beethoven
if he was in a mariachi band.
364
00:17:14,422 --> 00:17:16,156
Let's roast!
365
00:17:16,157 --> 00:17:18,224
[upbeat music]
366
00:17:18,225 --> 00:17:23,163
- George Lopez has
a luscious, thick mane of hair.
367
00:17:23,164 --> 00:17:24,698
And that's just on his back.
368
00:17:24,699 --> 00:17:25,565
- Oh!
369
00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:28,902
- George has inspired
so many people
370
00:17:28,903 --> 00:17:31,271
to have a C-section.
371
00:17:31,272 --> 00:17:32,572
Look at the size of his head.
372
00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:34,874
I mean, when you told us
your mom split,
373
00:17:34,875 --> 00:17:36,409
you mean in half?
- Oh!
374
00:17:36,410 --> 00:17:38,178
- Oh!
- Whoo!
375
00:17:38,179 --> 00:17:41,715
- George owns a moving company,
which is ironic
376
00:17:41,716 --> 00:17:44,718
because, at his age,
he can barely move his bowels.
377
00:17:44,719 --> 00:17:47,454
[laughter]
378
00:17:47,455 --> 00:17:48,888
He doesn't like
talking about it,
379
00:17:48,889 --> 00:17:51,691
but George has gone to bed
with dozens of models.
380
00:17:51,692 --> 00:17:53,760
Oh, nope, sorry.
Misread that.
381
00:17:53,761 --> 00:17:56,930
He's gone to bed
with dozens of Modelos.
382
00:17:56,931 --> 00:17:59,265
[laughter]
383
00:17:59,266 --> 00:18:04,270
- In honor of George tonight,
I'm gonna roll a big fatty.
384
00:18:04,271 --> 00:18:05,772
And I'm not talking about pot.
385
00:18:05,773 --> 00:18:07,440
That's how I gotta
get him upstairs.
386
00:18:07,441 --> 00:18:09,175
[laughter]
387
00:18:09,176 --> 00:18:12,479
- Everyone knows that
George loves a lowrider.
388
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,315
Probably because any car
he squeezes into
389
00:18:15,316 --> 00:18:18,284
instantly becomes a lowrider.
390
00:18:18,285 --> 00:18:21,588
[laughter]
391
00:18:21,589 --> 00:18:23,957
- Grandpa has an inflated ego,
392
00:18:23,958 --> 00:18:26,559
which is why his head
looks like it's been blown up
393
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,728
by a bicycle pump.
394
00:18:28,729 --> 00:18:31,631
[laughter]
395
00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:34,534
Grandpa is sober, but this
actually isn't the first time
396
00:18:34,535 --> 00:18:36,436
he stopped drinking alcohol.
397
00:18:36,437 --> 00:18:39,472
That was during Prohibition
398
00:18:39,473 --> 00:18:44,811
from 1927 to 1933.
399
00:18:44,812 --> 00:18:47,580
- You know, growing up, kids
in school used to beat George
400
00:18:47,581 --> 00:18:49,382
with sticks because
they thought his head
401
00:18:49,383 --> 00:18:51,551
was filled with candy.
- Oh.
402
00:18:51,552 --> 00:18:52,886
- Let's face it, George.
403
00:18:52,887 --> 00:18:54,487
Your head is so big,
your name should be
404
00:18:54,488 --> 00:18:57,891
George Lo Pez Dispenser.
405
00:18:57,892 --> 00:19:00,393
What's with the hairstyle,
George?
406
00:19:00,394 --> 00:19:03,496
You look like Albert Einstein
if he invented the churro.
407
00:19:03,497 --> 00:19:07,267
[laughter]
408
00:19:07,268 --> 00:19:08,535
Happy birthday, pal.
409
00:19:08,536 --> 00:19:09,936
Congrats on your good health.
410
00:19:09,937 --> 00:19:12,238
You may be sober
for the rest of your life,
411
00:19:12,239 --> 00:19:14,007
but you'll always look
like the worm at the bottom
412
00:19:14,008 --> 00:19:16,242
of a tequila bottle.
413
00:19:16,243 --> 00:19:17,644
[cheers and applause]
414
00:19:17,645 --> 00:19:19,245
- George is here tonight.
415
00:19:19,246 --> 00:19:21,448
Yes, right, right?
416
00:19:21,449 --> 00:19:26,720
Which is more than I can say
for him during my childhood.
417
00:19:26,721 --> 00:19:31,559
My first words were
"mama" and "who?"
418
00:19:33,694 --> 00:19:36,396
Dad, we kid
because we love you,
419
00:19:36,397 --> 00:19:38,798
and the truth is,
no matter your age,
420
00:19:38,799 --> 00:19:40,900
you're always young at heart.
- Mm-hmm.
421
00:19:40,901 --> 00:19:45,472
- Old at liver,
lungs, and brain,
422
00:19:45,473 --> 00:19:47,941
but young at heart.
423
00:19:47,942 --> 00:19:50,810
- I'd like to start by
thanking my beautiful family,
424
00:19:50,811 --> 00:19:53,947
but they're in Cancun
and couldn't be here tonight,
425
00:19:53,948 --> 00:19:56,282
so I'd like to thank
this very ugly family instead.
426
00:19:56,283 --> 00:19:57,784
- Ah.
427
00:19:57,785 --> 00:20:01,955
- Rosie, the time we were
married went by so fast.
428
00:20:01,956 --> 00:20:03,590
It felt like 15 minutes.
429
00:20:03,591 --> 00:20:04,991
Underwater.
430
00:20:04,992 --> 00:20:06,793
- Oh!
431
00:20:06,794 --> 00:20:08,962
- Quinten, you are
really incredible.
432
00:20:08,963 --> 00:20:10,964
Watching you makes
me believe in all kinds
433
00:20:10,965 --> 00:20:12,899
of possibilities,
434
00:20:12,900 --> 00:20:14,890
like "what if mayonnaise
could talk?"
435
00:20:16,604 --> 00:20:19,973
Oscar is the hardest
working employee I have.
436
00:20:19,974 --> 00:20:24,779
No matter how big the job is,
he's always done by 4:20.
437
00:20:24,780 --> 00:20:28,014
My family is right
about one thing, though.
438
00:20:28,015 --> 00:20:29,649
I am a fall risk.
439
00:20:29,650 --> 00:20:31,451
Every morning I trip over
the trampoline
440
00:20:31,452 --> 00:20:33,082
Chance uses to get
on the toilet.
441
00:20:34,755 --> 00:20:36,556
Jeff, I know I acted surprised
442
00:20:36,557 --> 00:20:37,857
when you walked in,
but I wasn't.
443
00:20:37,858 --> 00:20:39,659
You will literally
show up to anything.
444
00:20:39,660 --> 00:20:41,495
You'd come to the opening
of a door.
445
00:20:43,364 --> 00:20:44,698
Jeff is so ugly,
446
00:20:44,699 --> 00:20:47,068
Beetlejuice says his name
three times.
447
00:20:50,071 --> 00:20:53,673
I may be old,
but I've seen lots of things.
448
00:20:53,674 --> 00:20:55,775
I've seen the Mayan ruins.
449
00:20:55,776 --> 00:20:59,512
{\an8}I've seen Mayan ruin dinners,
450
00:20:59,513 --> 00:21:02,482
{\an8}Mayan ruin birthdays,
451
00:21:02,483 --> 00:21:04,852
{\an8}and Mayan ruin a good buzz.
452
00:21:04,853 --> 00:21:08,521
{\an8}But the one thing
that actually makes me
453
00:21:08,522 --> 00:21:10,657
{\an8}feel good about my birthday
454
00:21:10,658 --> 00:21:13,661
{\an8}is that no matter
how old I get...
455
00:21:17,631 --> 00:21:21,035
{\an8}I could never love anyone or
anybody more than I love you.
456
00:21:25,706 --> 00:21:29,009
{\an8}? ?
457
00:21:29,059 --> 00:21:33,609
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