Original subtitles

♪♪

We should put on some Christmas music.

Oh! You know how much I love that Nat King Cole album.

Oh, boy, do I.

Played it constantly last year.

I sure hope no one hid it.

Uh, just not "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."

That is the saddest song ever.

All those other reindeer are so mean to him --

making fun of him, not letting him play with them.

I hate them.

Well, they're mean to him in the beginning,

but then they all love Rudolph in the end.

Wait.

Wait, really?

I always turn it off before the end.

I'm gonna go listen to that right now.

Okay.

We found all the pictures of the girls with Santa Claus,

or, as I call it, the museum of crying.

Hey, uh, can we talk about Christmas dinner?

What do you guys think about having it at my house?

But, honey, I'm the one who usually cooks for two days,

then watches everything get wolfed down during halftime

and then cleans up by myself.

Of course you can!

Great.

With my new dining room set,

I can fit all nine of us at the table

without anyone having to sit on Ryan's tribal drum.

Nine of us? There's only eight of us.

Or do you guys count me twice 'cause I eat both drumsticks?

No, I just thought --

Of course -- eight.

Eh, I'm terrible with numbers.

Says the girl who's in charge of payroll at the Grill.

Think she's talking about your secret boyfriend.

I don't know what you're talking about --

Oh, give it up, Eve! Come on.

You can't hide him forever,

like that snake you found in third grade.

What snake?

[ Sighs ]

All right! Fine!

His name is Rob. He's really nice.

The -- the boyfriend, not the snake.

His name was Walter.

Why can't we meet him? We're nice.

I mean, we are nice, damn it!

Eve, Eve, it has to happen sooner or later, okay?

If there was a way not to meet Dad,

trust me -- Ryan would've found it.

Yeah.

Rob's dating a Baxter daughter.

He eventually has to face...Baxter.

Why don't you guys come here for brunch

after church tomorrow?

Y-Yeah, Rob...doesn't eat.

What?

He's a scientific wonder.

All right, fine. I'll ask him.

It's true!

They shouted out his name in glee.

It's a Christmas miracle!

-- Captions by VITAC --

♪♪

Okay, the quiche is ready, coffee is brewed.

and I have champagne chilling for mimosas.

Oh, wait -- is Rob 21?

He's 20, but I could use a couple of snorts right now.

He's 15 minutes late.

I don't think me or the cold bacon approve of this kid.

We are not here to pass judgment on Rob.

Well, maybe you're not,

but that's the only reason why I'm here.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, that's him.

Uh, Dad, try not to be...

just be less...

Ugh. What's the use?

Look, I think Eve really likes this boy,

so let's help him feel comfortable.

Vanessa, please.

Mom, Dad...

[ Laughs nervously ] ...this is Rob.

Hey, Rob. Hey.

Mike. Vanessa.

A watch.

Yeah. [ Chuckles ] I'm really sorry I'm late.

Oh, no, please, it's fine. It's so nice to meet you, Rob.

These are for you.

Oh, how sweet!

Mike, isn't that sweet?

Yeah.

Nothing for me?

Here's $4.

Sense of humor -- That's important.

Okay, well, we better get going.

We have another brunch to get to.

No, stop. Stop. Come on. Everything's ready.

Please, please be seated.

I'm sorry again for being late.

I was at church,

and [chuckles] things went really long.

So, basically, you're blaming God.

I am so glad we're doing this.

Uh, Mike, want to say the blessing?

Uh, wait a minute.

Why doesn't Rob do it? He just got back from church.

I bet he could pray his ass off.

Uh...sure. Yeah.

Uh, I'd be happy to.

Good.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

God, you are really cool.

Looks like we have us a Bible scholar.

You're cool

because even though all people see you differently,

you see all of us the same.

Help us to be like that.

Help us to not look for the differences,

but see the similarities.

Bring us peace in our lives,

in our country, and in the world.

Amen.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

Well, that kid came from church.

♪♪

Morning. Morning.

Table for one? Yes.

But I'm not alone.

I'm recently married!

[ Laughs ] Yes.

My husband is off conducting business.

Uh, Mandy, nobody cares.

Okay.

So, where is Kyle?

Taxidermy class.

He's gotten back into it.

Making dead things look alive.

Ah.

It's creepy, you know?

Sometimes when he looks into my eyes,

I wonder if he's thinking about replacing them with marbles.

I wanted him to go Christmas shopping with me

so I could point out what I want.

You want Rogaine For Women?

No.

Over.

Ooh! Pretty watch.

I know, right?

And look at how great it looks on me.

See, just, you -- and then it would be smaller.

Uh-huh. Right. Yeah.

So, I was wondering if you'd do me a favor.

Maybe drop a hint to Kyle?

Something subtle like, "Get Mandy that."

Sure thing.

Hey, you, uh, want something to eat?

Yeah, uh, I'll have the mushroom frittata

and the apple-cinnamon pancakes.

It's a lot, I know.

But I can always take it home to my husband.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

Mm-hmm, yeah, but '98 Super Bowl,

he does that helicopter spin, gets a first down.

Elway went from becoming a god to Reagan.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, well, one of the greatest of all time.

Right. Elway or Reagan?

Doesn't matter. You're right either way.

You know, we have those Broncos season tickets.

Well, maybe you can go to a game with us sometime.

Well, that'd be great. [ Laughs ]

Maybe when they're playing the Raiders. That's my team.

Oh, damn.

It was going so well.

Might be a good time to pray again.

I-I hate the Raiders.

Yeah, a lot of people do.

All right, enough with the football.

Let's talk about politics or...religion.

My dad's from Oakland -- lifelong Raider fan.

I love my dad, and I love my silver and black.

Ah, see that, Mike?

He loves his dad.

Yeah, so he says.

Okay, well, um, this has been...

fraught with peril,

so...we got to go.

Uh, Evie, you know, I've got, uh, some mail

that came for you on my desk,

so why don't you come with me to get it,

and, uh, you know,

we can talk about something cute

and, uh, something maybe really perfect for you.

So, you go to C.U. up in Boulder.

What's your major?

Um, criminal justice.

That'll come in handy.

You might work for the Oakland Raiders someday.

That's a big party school up there at C.U.

Oof. [ Chuckles ]

Yeah, it's...crazy.

Yeah, yeah.

See, this is where you say, "That's not my thing."

It's really not.

Um...anymore.

I'm "trudging the road of happy destiny."

If you know... what I mean.

I'm afraid I don't.

Is that an Adam Sandler movie?

I'm in A.A.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Yeah, I took my nine-month chip this morning.

I was in church, just in the basement with bad coffee.

Nine months, huh?

Eh -- Can I ask you to keep this to yourself?

It's just, Mrs. Baxter enjoys her wine,

and, you know, sometimes, people can get nervous

around alcoholics.

Hmm. Imagine that.

Hey, Rob, we better get going.

I've got work this afternoon.

Well, thank you [chuckles] for a fantastic brunch. Yeah.

Mrs. Baxter.

And, uh, thank you for being a fantastic Rob.

[ Chuckles ] Sorry. It's the wine talking.

Well, pipe down, wine. [ Chuckles ]

Uh...

Go, Raiders. Go, Broncos.

All right. Bye, guys.

Bye. See you, Evie.

Bye.

Mm. So, is he perfect or what?

I mean, and -- and Eve is crazy about him.

Yeah, I-I don't want to get ahead of myself,

but I think they could have a future.

Well, you know what they say -- one day at a time.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, where's Mike?

I got the spark plugs for his truck that he wanted.

Somebody owes me 25 bucks for these.

Just let me check the "Do I Give a Damn" app

on my phone, huh?

Let's see here.

Just -- just leave them on his desk.

Put them on his desk.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Check this out!

You see what Mike's been doing online?

No.

I hope he's not downloading music illegally,

because artists pour their heart and soul into their craft.

No, alcoholism -- treatments and success rates.

Why would he be looking at that?

Uh, isn't it obvious? He's hitting the sauce.

That would explain the mood swings.

Mike is not an alcoholic, and his moods do not swing.

He's only got the one --

pissed.

Call security. I got two idiots in my office.

What's going on?

It's an intervention, Otis.

Brew a strong pot of coffee, Ed.

I'll duct-tape him to the chair.

Ah, move out of the way.

Looking at your website -- that's all.

Is there an employee we should be worried about?

Yeah, the one that looks like

an Italian grandmother in a onesie.

My kid's new boyfriend is newly sober,

and I'm just doing a little fact-finding.

So Eve is dating a guy in recovery?

How old is he? 50?

Yes, Joe.

My daughter's dating a 50-year-old.

And my concern is that he drinks.

He's 20 years old.

Says he's been sober for about nine months.

So he got sober before he could legally buy a drink?

Yeah, that -- that sounds like a real beauty to me.

You like this guy?

Well, he likes football, ribs, goes to church.

Hell, I'd date him.

What, are you crazy?

Dating a guy like that,

that's like buying a car that's been in a bad accident.

You think it's fine, then one day, you go to start it,

and it's drunk.

Get out!

Still owe me 25 bucks. Get out!

You worried about this?

A little.

The success rate

for young people in recovery's not that good.

How's Eve feel about it?

I'm not sure that she knows.

She needs to.

You'll get these back when I get my 25 bucks.

♪♪

Hey, Kyle.

Kristin.

What are you doing sneaking around this time of year?

What if you were Mandy?

Why? Is that her present?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

But mostly maybe.

Okay, look, I don't know what you have in there,

but you know what would be a really great gift for Mandy?

Uh, something that would help her be on time.

A bus schedule?

No. No, something more wristy...watchy.

You mean like a wristwatch.

Hey! Yeah! Great idea, Kyle.

Oh, look, and I-I found this one in a magazine.

Oh, yeah.

Mandy taped one of these to my steering wheel.

Yeah, but it's not as nice as what I have for her.

It's not the kind of thing you can buy in a store.

So you made her something?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

But mostly maybe?

Maybe.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when she opens it.

[ Chuckles ]

Man: Kyle, you got a sec?

This is gonna be the greatest Christmas ever.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

♪♪

Hey, there.

Hey.

Can I steal some Christmas decorations for my basement?

You can't steal them now that you already told me you're gonna steal them.

You'd have to come back and break in later or something.

Oh, how's Rob?

Still a Raider fan, but I'm working on it.

You liked him, right?

Yeah. You know, I don't know that much about him.

You know, long as you know about him,

that's what's most important.

You do know about him, right?

Yeah, of course.

Well, that's all that matters.

Like, what do you know about him?

Why are you so interested in this?

Because I'm a people person.

You seem strangely interested in talking about my boyfriend.

I find this behavior odd.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, I didn't ask enough questions about Ryan,

and then you know how that turned out.

Dad, what is it you want to know?

Did he tell you he was in recovery?

What?

Yeah, the other day at brunch,

he came over, and we were talking about it,

and he said that he's a recovering alcoholic.

You know -- brunch talk.

He told you that?

Yeah, but I'm not judging him.

You know, I'm just saying, if he didn't tell you something like that,

maybe you don't know him as well as you think you do.

I've got to go.

Eve. Honey. Honey.

This is why I don't like brunch.

♪♪

♪♪

W-W-Whoa. Vanessa, the manger's my thing.

I love to make the cow and the sheep look like they're fighting.

Sorry, honey, I saw all these baby Jesuses today

on a half-off table and couldn't leave them orphaned,

so...

Does -- Does it look weird?

Five baby Jesuses peering out of the hay?

Yeah.

You turned the Lord's birth into an episode of "Hee Haw."

[ Scoffs ]

What does this one got, a thyroid problem?

I am a little distracted.

Uh, Eve and Rob broke up.

What? Yeah.

I called to invite them to dinner Friday, and she told me.

Well, you know, it's probably just a kids spat.

You know, young people.

Any-- Anybody in jail?

No. No, of course not.

No, and it's not a spat, Mike. It's over.

Well, who broke up with who? No, she dumped him.

And -- And I don't get it.

I mean, if I was gonna create the perfect boyfriend for Eve,

Mm-hmm. you know, like -- like, in a lab,

with maybe other people's parts and personalities and...

it would be Rob.

I-I know that sounds creepy, but you know what I mean!

I think you just frightened all the baby Jesuses.

[ Scoffs]

I've got to pack something up in the garage.

♪♪

Kristin!

Hey, Kris!

[ Southern accent ] Well, howdy, partner!

I'm a-lookin' for my sister.

I reckon she's been up here 'round these parts.

Let me know when you're done.

Yee-haw!

[ Normal voice ] What are you wearing?

This is the first Christmas gift that Ryan got me

after we were married.

And I wish that someone had warned me

before I opened that box.

Why are you telling me this horrible story?

I'm not getting that watch, am I?

This is your fringe jacket.

Ooooooo...

ooooooooh.

He got me a dinosaur?

Okay, look, Mandy,

I know a little bit about being married,

and when it comes to presents, it's not the gift.

It's the giving.

A lot of love went into that abomination.

Hey. Guys, what are you doing?

You're -- You're not supposed to see that.

Oh.

I love it, Kyle.

[ Voice breaking ] I love it more than anything in the world.

Thanks, Mandy.

But, uh, that isn't actually for you.

Oh, thank God! [ Gags ]

I did make you something, though,

but you have to wait until Christmas.

Okay.

Unless you.. want to see it now.

You want to see it now.

It's Sonny!

The Sonny?

Yeah, your dad said this is the first fish you ever caught.

Yeah, it was! Oh, man!

I loved it so much, I made him put it in the freezer for me.

Ah, I remember.

I was grossed out every time I went in for a Popsicle.

Well, when your dad told me the story,

I asked if I could turn it into a keepsake.

Do you really like it?

I love it.

It's one of my happiest childhood memories.

Thank you.

So, who was the armadillo for?

Oh, uh, it's for a friend of mine

who fell in love with those little buggers

during a summer in San Antonio.

Oh. Ryan went to San Antonio on his --

Oh, my God!

♪♪

Listen, you know you're bad at stealing stuff

when the guy you stole from has to bring it over to you.

Maybe it means I'm really good at stealing.

Put it over there and go back for the silverware.

Your mom told me about this breakup,

and I hope it's not because of what I said.

I'm fine.

I mean, we don't need to have

one of those long, weepy conversations you love.

Damn. Because I brought chocolates and a Lifetime movie.

I just did what I thought was best for me --

and, you know, you guys.

You did this for us?

We're okay with the kid.

I think your mom's actually gonna invite him over to brunch,

now that she knows she doesn't have to share her booze.

I just knew you guys would never be comfortable with it, you know?

Every time we'd be 10 minutes late for something,

you'd be calling the morgue. [ Chuckles ]

The only time I ever call the morgue

is to have them page Izzie Bleeding. [is he bleeding]

[ Sighs ] You did this for us?

Yeah. What can I say? I'm an awesome daughter.

You know, I don't believe this.

Dad, I promise you, I'm fine. Really.

No, no, no. I don't believe this.

You didn't really break up with him, did you?

Yes, I did.

[ Mockingly ] "Yes, I did."

That's about as convincing as when you said,

"I-I don't have a snake."

All right, fine, yes. [ Sighs ]

I didn't break up with Rob.

I only told Mom that so you guys wouldn't worry.

And you knew he was getting sober before I asked you?

Yes, but what I didn't know was that he told you,

and now all you know about Rob

is that he's an alcoholic and a Raider fan.

I mean, if he becomes a Democrat,

he'll complete the Mike Baxter trinity of evil.

He's not gonna become a Democrat now that he stopped drinking.

I just wish you'd gotten to know him

before he told you, you know?

There's two things I know about this kid, all right?

He's brave and he's honest.

He comes over to my house,

and the first thing he tells me is this?

Mm.

For a guy who doesn't drink, he is pretty chatty.

Listen, I have a lot of people in my life in recovery,

and those that make it share two things in common --

They're brave and they're honest.

I know he's gonna make it, Dad.

He might make it.

But you got to understand this, honey -- only he can stay sober.

This is not about you helping him.

He reminds me of that all the time.

Oh. [ Chuckling ] Hey! Mr. Baxter.

Hey, kid.

This is cool. You didn't tell me she'd asked you to help.

Yeah, well, sometimes, my dad helps without being asked.

Ooh. Mm.

That is a brave kid.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Door opens ]

Hi. Hey.

Hey! Mrs. Baxter. Hi!

Hey!

Hi!

Hey!

Uh, just, uh, doing the dishes.

Just the one dish?

Uh...yeah, I'm done.

Just -- The water glass had water.

Mrs. Baxter, it's fine.

[ Chuckles ] Really.

Look, I'd feel better

if you just do whatever you would normally do.

Okay. [ Chuckles ] Well...

Damn, that looks good!

Oh, this is gonna be fun.