Original subtitles

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[doctor] Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Where is that little joker?

Breathe deep, Mrs. Dunne.

-That's it. That's it. -[Mrs. Dunne moaning]

[doctor] Push. Push, that's it.

Keep pushing. You're doing great, Mrs. Dunne.

You're doing great. Okay, that's it.

There's the head. I can see it now. Okay.

Congratulations. It's a...

[Mrs. Dunne moans]

[doctor] Okay, it went back in.

I think he'll be good at hide-and-seek, Mrs. Dunne.

[moans]

[panting]

Okay. [chuckles]

Well, you got yourself a shy one here.

Okay, come on out, you little bastard.

[grunting]

Ow!

He bit me!

[sirens wailing]

[dispatch officer] Attention all units, man trapped in a well.

919 Hill Street.

Captain Rob!

Captain Rob, can you hear me? Grab the rope!

Can you help him?

Harry, no. This is not a real well.

We can't keep coming out here trying to get

your imaginary friend out of trouble.

Well, thanks for saving him. Coming, Captain Rob!

We didn't really save anybody.

I'm sorry, Dave.

It's okay, he just has an overactive imagination.

Don't worry, he'll grow out of it. They all do.

Captain Rob, come on out, I give up!

Where is he? Where are you, Captain Rob?

Honey, he's gone.

He must've known you were starting school today.

-Mom, do I have to go to regular school? -Yes, honey.

-But you're a good teacher. -Thank you, sweetie.

I think it's time you made some new friends. You know, friends your own age.

I'm just not ready.

Oh, I almost forgot. Captain Rob left this for you.

He said to count your steps very carefully.

Wow, a treasure map! What's the treasure?

It could be anything.

Honey, you're going to discover a whole new world when you get to school.

Like Marco Polo.

The guy who invented the swimming pool.

Of course.

I better get going.

[Mrs. Dunne] Now remember, Harry,

there's a friend out there waiting just for you.

[Ray] You're a good kid, Lloyd. And good looking, too.

-You make a father proud. -Thanks, Pop.

-Okay, now let me finish... Ah! -[Lloyd] Dad, watch the ears.

Okay, there you go, gigolo.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-Looks good? -Ah, like fresh-cut grass.

Okay, now come on. Let's get ready.

School's going to open real soon now. Let's go.

-Oh. Keys please. -Here you go.

It's good to be a janitor's son.

-Love ya! -Love you.

[rap music playing]

[speakers crackle]

[mimics roaring]

Whee!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Look at you!

You're looking real sharp there in your new back-to-school outfit, huh?

-Oh, oh, okay. -Here, Dad.

Okay. One sec. Let's see if anyone lost a camera.

Oh!

Look at this. Okay, ready? Smile for papa. Come on.

Ready?

Yeah!

Okay, wait, wait, wait!

Okay, if you're gonna go to school, you need a book, okay?

Okay? Okay, ready? Okay, okay. Look pretty. Pretty, pretty.

Pretty boy!

I got to catch my bus. See you, Pop!

[Ray] Yeah, but you're already at school!

[Lloyd] Hope they like my new jacket!

We go through this every year.

[indistinct chattering]

Got to get to school.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Hi. Hi.

-Sorry. -[girl] You're going the wrong way, loser!

Can't miss my bus.

Okay, so follow the map and find a friend. So, what's the apple for?

This is too distracting.

One of you has to go.

I'm sorry it's you.

Now, take your seeds and grow into a beautiful pie.

-Thirty-one, 32, 33... -[growling]

-[horn honks] -Hey! Whoa!

-[man] Sorry about that, mate. -Nice car, Frenchie.

[Lloyd laughs]

Hey, cute puppy.

-Aw! -[growling]

[mocking growl]

Bad dog! Don't get me, don't get me!

Ah!

Bad doggie! Bad doggie!

No, no, no!

[yelps]

[both grunt]

[both groan]

Somebody chipped my tooth.

How do you think I feel?

Someone bit me in the forehead.

Oh, no!

You could've saved that for the tooth fairy.

That's stupid. I happen to know my mom is the tooth fairy.

-Your mom is the tooth fairy? -Yeah.

Wow, that is so cool.

Yeah. She must do all the flying around when I'm asleep.

Yeah, yeah.

-Harry Dunne. -Harry Dunne?

Why does that not sound familiar?

-Probably because we've never met before? -No, that's not it.

Anyway, yeah, Lloyd Christmas.

Here I am bragging that my mom's the tooth fairy

-and you're Santa's kid? -No, no.

-Yeah! -Yeah? No, I'm not!

-I knew it! -No, I'm not!

-I bet you are. -No, I bet I'm not!

-I know you are. -Seriously.

Why have I never seen you here before?

Uh... Home school, till today.

-Home school. What's that? -I go to school where I live.

Me, too! Seriously!

-No? -Yeah!

[both chuckling]

[Lloyd] Whoa! That's my bus! Hey! Hey!

No, wait! No, wait! Hi! Hello!

-I missed it. Now, I have to walk. -It's right over there.

-[Lloyd] That what I think it is? -[Harry] Nope, it's a treasure map.

Cool.

My mom says it's somewhere in the school.

I don't know, I'm pretty familiar with the school,

and I've never seen that X before.

Mmm-mmm. Ooh...

But I do know something.

-What? -Yeah.

-You're it. -I'm it?

What's "it"?

I don't really know, you know, but whatever it is,

it's something you don't want to be, and right now, [chuckles] yeah, you are.

[Harry] Wait, so, if I touch you, you're it?

-[Lloyd] Yeah, that's how it works, Harry. -[Harry] You're it!

-[Lloyd] No! -[Harry] See you later!

-[Lloyd] Wait! Ah! -[car alarm blaring]

Hello, my yellow friend. Sorry I missed ya.

So, high school's all about looking cool, Harry, so stick with me.

[Harry] Why are those girls dressed in matching outfits?

[Lloyd] They're cheerleaders, Harry. It's a dangerous cult.

-Don't let them talk to you. -Don't we want them to talk to us?

-No. No, no, no. -Why not?

Besides cooties and other medical reasons,

they're not in the cool crowd, which I am, which you want to be a part of.

-You know what I mean? -No. Hey.

-What about her? -[Lloyd] [scoffs] She's a total dork.

I mean, just look how she dresses.

Check out that skirt. I mean, it's so short. Where's the flood?

[chuckles]

And that sweater, it's so tight, her milk-bubbles are popping out.

Loser.

Oh, my gosh, she's not wearing underwear.

Yeah, how dorky is that. I'm wearing two pair right now.

-Me, too. -[both laugh]

This is my Mohawk friend, Turk.

He's part of the cool crowd. Hey, Kemosabe!

Shut up, ass-face.

That's the Iroquois name he gave me for having the strong face of an ass.

Looks like we're going to go have a pow-wow!

[both grunt]

Hi.

I hope the carpet matches the drapes.

Excuse me?

You know, in the library.

Oh!

Yeah. I don't think it does.

-You're new here, right? -Depends on how you define new.

You're the kid who was home-schooled.

Yeah. How'd you know?

I was assigned to write an article for the school paper.

It was either a feature on you, or the new four-color ink pens at the student store.

Four colors in one pen?

No! That's impossible.

Yeah, well,

I'd rather be writing a hard-hitting investigative piece,

but nothing ever happens around here. I'm Jessica Matthews.

Hi. Harry Dunne.

-What's going on here? -[exclaims]

Hey, freak show, did Jessica give you that banana in your pants?

No, my mom did.

-Gross. -You want a bite?

[Lloyd] Hey, it smells like cheese. Whoo-hoo!

-Turk, leave him alone. -[mockingly] "Turk, leave him alone."

-Shut up! -"Shut up!"

-[sighs] -[imitates sigh]

Harry, I'll talk to you later.

Pretty colors.

Ride's not over yet, pal.

Hey, can my friend Harry come, too?

-Yes, he can. -Hi, Harry.

So, were you held back two years like Lloyd?

-No, I was held back three. -[Turk] By your mom?

[Mrs. Heller] And Principal Collins, you'll be pleased to know that this year,

Wednesdays are South of the Border days.

We'll be serving a spicy tuna tamale, along with a three-cheese quesadilla.

Sounds like it's going to be another hot year in the kitchen.

[both moaning]

[knock on door]

-Hello? -[Collins] Yes? What is it?

Uh, sir, it's time for morning announcements.

Yes, I'm aware of that. Yes. Um...

Why don't you make the announcements this morning, dear?

But what should I announce?

-[Heller] Tell her about the quesadillas. -Make something up!

Okay.

Well, that was a mood breaker.

You know, honey,

I think I've finally figured out a way to bilk this school out of enough money

to get us that condo in Waikiki.

How, sweet baby? You've done it all.

Small potatoes. This is the big one. This is visionary.

This idea is genius.

-[giggles] -Look at this.

The Richard Moffitt Special Needs Grant.

This Moffitt guy used to be in a special needs program,

and then he learns to string a couple of sentences together,

and now he's some big hotshot.

Anyway, the state is giving 100 grand in his name

to every school that has a special needs class.

-This is fantastic! -Mmm.

All we have to do is kill this Moffitt guy and we get all the money!

No, no.

What we need, is to set up a fake special needs class.

We start our own class.

Problem is, where do we find kids

we can pass off as special?

[Turk] Okay, that's high enough!

-Thanks, Turk! -I'm flying! Whoo-hoo!

-[Harry] This is what a flag sees all day. -[Lloyd] Yeah.

-And your friend Turk is totally great. -Yeah, he's aces, huh?

Hey, thanks, Turk! We're so high!

[laughing]

Bingo.

Welcome to special needs orientation.

I'm Ms. Heller, the lunch lady. And it... Damn.

I mean, your new teacher.

Yeah.

Now the reason that you two are here before class officially starts

is because you're

extra special.

Thank you.

And were personally selected by Principal Collins.

Who's Principal Collins?

-He's the principal. -Wow.

Your first assignment is to pick the rest of the class.

Hey!

Find students that are just as special as you two.

Special.

What?

Is, um, is this gonna be on the midterm?

No.

[sighs]

You know, you're the first person I ever brought here, Harry.

-Is this your special place? -No, I just usually eat in the crapper.

Yeah, saves time. Out with the old, in with the new.

-Could we eat there tomorrow? -Yeah, but first we need to find kids

that are special, needy, and classy enough to be in our special needs class.

It'll be like taking candy from a stranger.

-[Lloyd] Harry? -The second 'r' is silent.

Oh! That makes much more sense.

Little crippled boy. Look.

Our first recruit.

-His curse is our blessing. -Careful, Harry, don't scare him.

Hey, little guy. Hey, little orphan buddy.

-What happened? -Uh, skateboard.

-One day, they'll find a cure. -You brave little soldier.

[chuckles] What? No, man, it's nothing. The cast comes off in a few weeks.

He's obviously in denial. Maybe we can help.

We're part of a special class taught by the lunch lady.

I mean, Ms. Heller. You should join up.

It doesn't require any walking.

And no one will make fun of your horrible deformity.

-How much homework is there? -Well, that's the downside.

-There's none. -Dude, dude.

Wait a minute, I can spend the whole year in a class taught by the lunch lady?

Yeah.

[chuckles]

Can I bring my girlfriend?

You can bring whatever you want, my little friend.

All right.

[screams]

-[Harry] Harry Dunne, Special Needs. -[Lloyd] He's with us.

You deserve him.

Well, I guess I owe you this one.

Go, go, go!

[grunts]

[coach] Oh, he's out. Put him on the disabled list.

[Lloyd] That means you're one of us now.

We already have a special slogan.

Harry, what are you doing?

She's a foreign exchange student. She obviously doesn't speak the English.

[speaking gibberish]

[speaking gibberish]

[girl over megaphone] Hey, guys, come get your car washed,

and support the Providence High Stallions.

[exclaims]

A half boy-half horse.

-That's more of what we're looking for. -[Harry] He's super special.

Well, I mean, I got to get a job, anyway.

So if I sign your thing, I can just come and go whenever I want to?

You were born free, and free you shall remain.

Well, okay.

[whoops]

Easy, easy.

Easy, boy, easy, boy.

Easy, boy. It's okay. You're in!

-[Harry] We did it! -[Lloyd] Yes, we did, Harry.

Special needs class, 1986.

We are the chosen ones.

All present and accounted for.

[Harry] Football player, the crippled kid...

[Lloyd] What about Lewis, the half horse boy?

[Harry] He really had me fooled.

-Here we go. -Hey, thanks for the grub, Mrs. D.

Oh, you're welcome, Lloyd.

Hey, where's Mr. D?

Oh, he passed away a few years ago.

He missed one great pot of stew. [chuckles]

Actually, it's meatloaf, but you just put everything in your soup.

-[in British accent] I like it a lot. -[all chuckle]

Harry, I am so proud of you, making a real friend.

Is it okay if he spends the night?

-Lloyd, have you asked your parents? -I left my dad a note.

[Rex reading]

Good kid, but he could've just called.

-Got any crazy eights? -Go fish.

-Nothing. -Four.

[laughs]

Now you have to move your peg seven spaces and put your shirt on backwards.

Wow, you really suck at this game.

Yeah, well, I almost always beat Captain Rob.

-Who's Captain Rob? -Just a guy I hang out with.

I know the type. Lives in the basement, smells like a sponge.

No, Captain Rob's seven feet tall, wears an eye-patch,

-got a hook for a hand. -Wow, sounds like a pirate.

What? No. He's got a parrot on his shoulder, buries treasure.

-Yeah, that's a pirate. -I don't think so.

This guy drinks rum from a barrel, says, "Yo, ho, ho," has a peg leg.

-A peg leg? -Yeah, go-cart accident.

Here we go!

Be careful, Captain Rob.

Three, two, one.

Ha! You landed on Candy Land. Now you have to swallow it.

Ready?

Swallow! [laughing]

Mmm.

That's good top hat.

Hey, fellas, it's getting kind of late. Come on.

-Can I be on top? -Only if I can be on the bottom.

-All right! -Yeah!

Airplane into the hangar.

[buzzing]

-[banging on wood] -Ow!

All right, pumpkin, night-night.

-Night, Mom. -[kisses]

-Night, Mrs. D. -Good night, Lloyd.

Thanks for being a friend to my Harry.

All right, boys, sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.

-What was that? -What?

Your mom just totally made a move on me.

-She did not. -Yeah, she did, Harry.

Maybe soon I'll be your new daddy.

-Lloyd, she's my mom. -Listen, I can't help my heart.

That's right, when I'm your new dad, you're gonna have to do what I say.

Will not.

Don't you take that tone with me, young man.

-Shut up. -I will stop this car right now.

-You're not my real dad. -You take that back!

Be quiet, buttlick!

Oh!

-Where did you learn that word? -I learned it from listening to you!

-[sobbing] I hate you! -Kids.

[all] Thank you, Principal Collins, for our specially needy class!

They're perfect.

Well, you should all be very proud of yourselves.

You are the pioneers here at Providence Hill High,

the very first special needs class.

And to commemorate this occasion, we're going to take a class photo.

So, let's cover this up just for the picture.

Hold this very high. That's it. And let's all form a group under the sign. Quickly.

Now, now, now, now, now.

Beautiful. Big smile. Here we go.

Do you remember why we're here?

I'm supposed to take a picture for Superintendent Zimmer?

And?

-You want me to take it? -Yes, yes! Okay.

Okay, here we go. Ready? Cheese!

-[girl] Cheese! -[Harry] Cheese!

-What stinks? -That'd be me, sir.

-Wife made the stew last night. -Shut up, Lloyd.

-You're not married yet. -Will be.

I hope you'll all enjoy your new classroom.

This is not it. It's a special wing in the back of the school we've built for you.

So, why don't you go back and take a look at it now?

Quickly, now. Just head back there. That's it, now.

Principal Collins, what about the crippled boy?

-Yes, take him with you. -Confirmative.

Easy. Lloyd, Lloyd, Lloyd. No, no, no.

I can... I'll just walk, all right? Is that all right?

[Harry] Collins is a great man.

Yeah, that's why he was elected principal.

-That's it. On your way. -Your Highness.

That's good.

-Well, so far, so good. -Mm-hm.

I do think we need some more pictures, though.

Why don't you take the kids on a field trip tomorrow?

And?

-And take some more pictures. -Okay.

Yeah, okay.

Well, don't you have a phony class to teach?

I put in for a sub. [gasps] Was that naughty?

I think I need a panking.

Pank, pank, pank.

You gonna give me a panking?

[Lloyd] Hello, class. My name is Mr. Christmas.

Mrs. Heller had to attend some serious and urgent business,

so, I will be your substitute teacher.

It's gonna take me a while to learn everyone's names, so please be patient.

-[Harry] Me, me. Pick me! -You.

-Harry. -Harry.

Ooh. You look familiar. Oh! Did I have your brother?

-No. -No, okay.

Any other questions? Was there one?

What's with horse boy? Now, he's a bright shiny sun.

Yeah, don't look directly at him.

[Lewis] I'm just handing out fliers at the tanning salon, guys.

-It's a part-time job. -No, that's... Congratulations.

Did you have a question there, bright eyes?

Yeah, my question's when the old teacher lady coming back?

I am your teacher lady for today.

[door opens]

Lloyd, can I have a word with you for a minute?

Oh. Take this time to study amongst yourselves.

Obviously, there must be some sort of family emergency,

otherwise, there's no reason my father

would be interrupting me while I'm working.

-Coming. -That's your dad?

Yeah. What was your name again?

-Harry. -Harry. Come with me, Harry.

-What's up, Pop? -We need to talk.

So, you must be in the air force. I like your flight suit.

-I'm a custodian. -Well, then...

Aye-aye, sir!

Okay, what are you crazy boys doing in my tool shed?

We're not crazy, Dad, we're special.

And Principal Collins wants us to have our own special classroom.

My boy's special, how about that! I knew you were different!

I'm taking the day off. Come on, come on.

All right, guys, now that teacher lady's gone,

um, I have a question.

Do you guys know why our class is in the tool shed?

Who cares, Lewis? It's better than real school.

If we don't mess this up,

we can go a whole year without doing any real work at all.

-Yeah, man, we can do anything we want. -Anything.

Anything?

So, if I had a girlfriend like Terri, I could bring her here

and do stuff with her?

You got it, jerk-off.

Then I'm in. Yeah.

Uh...

But I came here to learn about America.

Listen, baby, there is nothing more American

than not doing anything and getting away with it.

Oh!

Then I'm in. Just like jerk-off.

Lewis.

Carl?

-He's snapping out of it. -We need him.

I know. Come on, kid!

-Come on, come on! -Go get some!

[all yelling]

Carl?

[yelling]

Oh! Wow.

[Harry] Who was Benjamin Franklin again?

[Lloyd] He's the pilgrim who used penicillin to kill Godzilla.

[Harry] Right. How'd you get so smart?

Public school. Yeah. When you live in the basement,

you breathe in a lot of chalk dust. It writes all the answers

-all over your brain. Ooh! -You're so lucky.

Now... How 'bout a Slushee?

A. Slushee. Don't tell me. Abraham Slushee...

I know this. Third President of the United States!

[Lloyd] That's right, Harry.

And this is the frozen delicious treat he was named after.

-Nice jugs. -Yeah.

Hey, your mom's got jugs like these.

[Harry] Yeah, but they never been in a magazine.

[Lloyd] They ought to be. They're beautiful.

Ooh, Harry, I just realized something.

-What? -You're it!

No, you're not getting me again.

Victoria's Secret, huh?

-Those clothes are for chicks. -$2.50.

-You're it. -Oh, you wanna go?

You wanna go, Harry? Jousting, 14th century!

-You're it! -You're it.

Invisibility shield. Pew!

I know where you are! I know where you are!

Please pay me the $2.50.

I know where you are!

-I know where you are! -You're it. [laughs]

Seriously, stop for a second. Come here, Harry, seriously, for a second.

-You're it! -No, you're it!

Harry, buns! You're it!

You're it!

[both laughing and panting]

-You're it! -No, I'm not.

Yeah, you are. He touched you. You're it until you touch someone else.

I know the rules, I'm just not playing your stupid game.

Now, pay me $2.50.

You're it.

You're it.

-You're it. -No, you're it.

-No, you are. -You're it.

-You're it! -You're it!

-You're it! -You're it!

-You're it! -You're it!

-You're it! -You're it!

Enough!

You're it!

And no touch-backs, no do-overs, no erasies,

and this whole store is home free!

Lloyd, can he do that?

Oh, yeah, Harry. He can, and he did.

And now, it's on like Donkey Kong.

Pay the man.

Pay the man.

-[Harry] Good. -[Lloyd] Yeah.

I thought we handled that pretty well.

These are really cold, huh?

That's why you got to drink 'em fast, Harry, trust me.

[Lloyd] Drink it, Harry. Come on, buddy!

Drink, drink, drink! Go, Harry, go! Whoo-hoo!

Ow!

Refreshing.

Ah! So, what do you want to do today, Harry?

I don't know.

Ow!

It hurts so good.

[Lloyd] No, Harry, you're not drinking it fast enough.

You got to drink faster. You got to go fast. Go fast!

-[straining] -Go fast, go fast!

You got to drink it fast, Harry, before it melts!

Tastes so good. I can't feel my face.

Didn't hurt.

Didn't hurt.

I felt that.

[both laugh]

Harry, my mouth is frozen.

I can't... I can't feel my lips.

-Harry, they're frozen. -I don't feel good.

Harry, here comes trouble.

Oh.

Hey, guys.

Your milk bubbles look nice, Jessica.

[Lloyd] Good one, Harry.

[chuckles nervously] I'll see you guys tomorrow.

I can't believe she's wearing that outfit.

Yeah, last time I wore those shorts, I got beat up.

[both laugh]

Beat up?

[music playing]

Guess what's under these coconuts?

[chuckles]

What?

It's a surprise.

Well, I've got a little surprise for you.

You got the extender?

No.

No, I talked to Superintendent Zimmer this morning.

-Oh. -He's sending Richard Moffitt himself

to our Thanksgiving Day parade,

check in hand.

Oh, Monkey, this is too exciting. Our dream is coming true.

Smile, sweetheart.

More pictures for the chest.

[both chuckle]

What do you keep in there?

Oh,

things.

Photos, tapes.

I tape everything that goes on in this office.

Just like the President.

Just like the President.

Come here, monkey.

-[Lloyd exhales] -[Harry] Hey, it's upside down.

Here, hold my sack.

All right, according to the map, we're almost at school.

Yeah, but we still haven't found any treasure.

[gasps]

Harry...

We may have found something even better. Come on.

It's our own special bus, Harry! [laughs]

[Harry] How do you know it's for us?

[Lloyd] Because cool kids always sit in the back of the bus, Harry,

and here, every row is the back. We're all cool. Come on!

[yelping excitedly]

[Lloyd] Careful, Harry, it's short!

Hey, Harry, I'm in the front of the bus!

-[Harry] I'm in the back! -[Lloyd] I'm in the front!

Turk, what are you doing here?

-Special needs class. -Being a jerk doesn't make you special.

You're just jealous. This is the best class ever.

So, don't ruin it!

[Mrs. Heller] Sorry, special needs only.

Look, Ms. Heller, there's something fishy here.

-And I don't think it's Friday's special. -Hmm.

Well, I wouldn't know, since I'm just the teacher and all.

Now less talking and more sitting, huh, gang?

[engine starts]

Let's go, Margie, the museum ain't gonna teach itself.

[indistinct chattering]

This is a much bigger story than four-color pens.

You want a scoop? I'll give you a scoop.

-You think we're gonna stop for ice cream? -No. Maybe.

[laughing]

Lose her.

[tires screeching]

-Slug bug. Slug bug. -Ow! Ow!

Can it be the same one? Slug bug!

Slug... I can still see you.

-[Harry] That's not how you play! -[Lloyd] Playing Australian rules.

Don't let her pass!

-Scissors, scissors. -Scissors, too.

-What's that? -It's an eagle.

-This is a barracuda. -Fish can't eat a bird.

Ha-ha! Too big to make the turn!

-You can't squish a bird with a paper cut. -Yeah, you can.

-Yeah, you can. -No, you can't.

-[horns honking] -[tires screeching]

-Punch buggy. -Ow!

[Mrs. Heller] Margie, look out!

Help me!

[all grunt]

[all cheering]

[truck horn blowing]

Everyone, find a partner. You're no good to me dead.

-[Lloyd] Harry, get back here! -[Harry] I'm back, I'm back.

-I'm going. -Harry? Harry!

Spin faster, we'll go back in time!

[Harry] I'm right behind you. I'm right behind you.

-No, no, no! -Ah!

We got to partner up.

-What do you say, you and me? -Dream on, desperado.

Right, field trip partner is kind of a big commitment.

I'm joking. Of course, I'll be your partner.

You got some serious self-worth issues, my pudgy, ugly little friend. [laughs]

Stop it, you're embarrassing me.

-Okay, say "fajitas." -[all] Fajitas!

-[shutter clicks] -Good, got it.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Excuse me. How long does the average field trip take here?

Well, to fully experience all we have to offer, it takes two hours.

Two. Okay. You know, I'll be back in four.

So, why don't you give the tour twice, and speak slowly?

-Oh. We don't take tips here. -Oh, sure, you do.

I know you don't make much. Don't be proud.

Don't be proud. It's going away. It's going away.

It's going away. It's okay. That's what I thought.

-That's what I thought. [chuckles] -Okay.

[Harry] I like your outfit, Mr. Polar Bear. Hmm...

Okay, I'm just going to turn and walk away.

[yells]

Okay, I'm watching you.

[Jessica] Harry?

[Harry] Who told you my name?

[Jessica] Harry? Harry?

Oh!

Ms. Heller said not to talk to you.

That's because Ms. Heller doesn't want you to know this whole thing is a scam.

I knew it was a fake.

-You did? -Yeah. Those Eskimos?

I'm sure, at least one of them is a mannequin.

Harry, you're so funny.

But listen, I have to ask you a question that might

put you in a delicate position.

You want to talk about your delicates?

Are you trying to be funny, or are you actually re... Special?

We're all special. Everyone Lloyd and I chose for the class is special.

You and Lloyd chose the class?

Mm-hm.

This is all starting to make sense. Could you come to my house tonight?

-Excuse me? -We need to talk.

-Come over around 7:00? -O'clock?

-Yeah. -Okay.

A date.

[Harry] She said something about something.

[Lloyd] Oh, that's perfect, Harry. Then what?

[Harry] Then she said, "7:00," and I said,

-[crunching] -[yelling] "O'clock!"

[giggling]

Sorry about that, buddy. It's my first time bringing a friend up there.

-You okay? -Yeah!

So, you gotta help me out, Lloyd. A real live date with a real live girl.

Who cares? Chicks are for fags.

I think she wants me to come over to put me in the right position

to check out her delicates.

-Whatever that means. -Oh, yeah, buddy, you're gonna get some.

-Some what? -You know.

She'll be all over you like a barrelful of monkeys

with that short skirt and that tight shirt.

Oh!

It's so faggy, I can't even think about it.

-[Harry] Come on, Lloyd. -[Lloyd] Okay, if you're gonna do this,

bring her something special. Buy her some chocolate...

The best you can find.

[Harry] Seems simple enough.

[coins jangling]

[clicking tongue]

Knock, knock, knock. [chuckles]

Hello, Jessica. It's nice to see you, Jessica.

That's not right.

Hi, Jessica. Do you remember me from before?

I'm Harry. That's stupid! Okay.

Hello, Jessica.

Harry... Mrs. Harry Jessica.

Mr. Harry Jessica.

-J-e-s-s-i-s-s-i... -Harry?

Harry, hi. Do you want to come inside?

Okay. Wipe your feet. My parents are totally anal.

Oh, that's gross.

-Would you like something to drink? -Yeah, but I'm buying.

Harry, I have a lot of questions to go over with you, so, let's just go upstairs.

Good plan. I'm not really ready for downstairs.

-Harry, you're so funny. -Really? I'm not even trying.

-Are you coming? -Yeah.

I'll race ya! [giggles excitedly]

-Harry, stop horsing around. -Oh, boy.

Okay, there's a lot to go over, Harry, so it may get hard for you.

Hard for me? Hard for me? Hard for me?

Harry, do you want to sit down?

-No, no, I'm okay. -Okay.

I think Collins and Heller are embezzling money from the school,

and I think it's been going on for years.

I just have to figure out some way to prove it.

I mean, it doesn't make any sense to me.

[sighs]

But I guess there's got to be a good explanation.

Heller wore a coconut bra...

[Harry] Wow, she's really making me feel hot.

[sizzling]

What's worse is I think the entire special needs class is a scam.

But... I need proof.

[Harry] I don't know how much longer I can stand it.

I didn't think the first time would hurt so much.

-Especially in the ass! -What?

Harry, I'm in a position where I really need your help.

Position? Great. Have you a bathroom?

Yeah, down the hall.

I'll be back in a jiff.

[whimpering softly]

[screaming]

Okay, okay. Water!

[screams]

I couldn't. I didn't. No, no, no, no. What's in there?

[sniffing]

Mmm.

No, it can't be.

Oh!

No.

Oh! I didn't...

Oh!

Oh, no, no, no!

No, no, no...

Oh!

[Harry grunting]

Harry? You've been in there a while. Are you okay?

Are you kiddin'? I couldn't be more okay.

My mom wants to know if you can stay for dinner.

Are you kiddin'? Coming.

Okay.

[bicycle bell ringing]

[man screams]

Look out, waxer coming through. Excuse me.

-[Jessica] Harry, are you coming down? -Just cleaning up!

[Lloyd] Harry! Harry!

Lloyd, what are you doing here?

I came to check on you, buddy.

-I kind of screwed things up. -I'm sure you're overreacting.

I don't think so.

Harry, why are you covered in poo?

I don't know!

-Okay. -She asked me to stay for dinner.

I don't know what to say to her.

Oh! Okay, I got an idea! I saw this in a movie once.

It was a good one. Go down to this window right here,

open it up, and then say whatever I say.

-Okay, thanks. I got to find some clothes. -All right.

Ah! Perfect, a businessman's suit.

Harry, what are you wearing?

I changed for dinner.

I get dressed for all my meals, except for breakfast and...

Spaz meal.

Boy, it's hot in here. Do you mind if I open a window?

Be my guest.

-Harry, can you hear me? -Yes.

-Yes, what? -No, don't answer me, say what I say.

Okay.

Okay, what?

You have beautiful eyes.

-You have beautiful eyes. -Thank you.

[dog yelps]

[Lloyd] Oh, hey.

-Where'd you come from? -Hey, where'd you come from?

I was born in St. Louis.

[Lloyd] Do you want me to pet your head?

-Do you want me to pet your head? -I bet you want your head scratched!

-I bet you want your head scratched. -No, why?

We still have a lot to talk about.

-I bet you want... -[barking]

Don't you snap at me!

You're lucky I don't punch you right in the face!

Don't snap at me like that. You're lucky I don't punch you in the face.

Oh, I remember you. How could I forget those big, hairy nipples?

I remember you. How could I forget those big, hairy nipples?

I can almost smell your stinky fenuter from here!

I can almost smell your stinky fenuter from here!

Harry!

[Lloyd] Now what are you staring at, you ugly monkey?

[Harry] Now what are you staring at, you ugly monkey?

-Jessica, who's this? -It's Harry, Dad.

-Why is he talking to you like that? -He's special.

Oh.

-Hi, Harry. -Hi.

-[barks] -[Harry imitates barking]

Bark, bark!

Dinner's ready.

What are we doing sitting around yapping?

-Let's eat! -Right.

Hey, Harry, be confident! You look lovely!

Oh!

Lloyd?

What are you doing here?

You live here? I didn't even...

I thought Harry was just visiting his accountant.

So, you like your butter, do you?

We got some margarine, if you want.

-You could scoop it out of the tub. -No, I'm fine, thank you.

Oh!

This is, uh, Harry.

-Hello. -Hi.

You know, they make that in a woman's suit, too.

Jessica, we're eating!

Meet me at the front door.

Yeah, I was just gonna go there anyway.

Well, I see you like my rolls.

Sure, I like a woman with some meat on her bones.

Well...

So, Charlie, what business are you in?

The name's Walter.

-Lloyd, hi. -Jessica, yeah.

So, uh, did you give him some yet?

-Some what? -You know, some.

Lloyd, Harry and I have been talking about school.

In fact, I want to ask you something.

Yeah, I know. You want to go for a ride.

Pretty sweet waxer, huh? [chuckles]

-Where did that come from? -I live with the janitor.

Yup, I got a key to every room in the school.

So, can you get us into the principal's office?

Principal's office? [scoffs] Yeah, I could probably swing that.

Lloyd, that's it! Maybe now, I'll get my story!

[gasps]

What?

-[screams] -[glasses clinking]

Two-timing slut! And you, I thought you were from St. Louis?

I don't ever want to see you again!

Oh, my God.

And I'm leaving!

He shit everywhere.

[shouting] There's shit everywhere! Damn it!

There's shit on the windows!

Oh, my God, my house is full of shit!

He shit everywhere!

Look what he did. He shit all over the wall!

-When can we do it? -[Walter] Get up here!

-Uh... -[Jessica's mother screams]

-How about tonight at 8:00? -Okay.

-[Walter] My house is full of bile! -Great, thanks. Thank you, Lloyd.

I got to go upstairs. You got to leave.

See you at 8:00.

[Walter] Calm down, just calm down!

Whoo! Date with Jessica! Yeah!

[Walter] There's shit all over the wall!

[Lloyd] I'm right on time. Phew!

Won't be long now.

This is gonna be great.

I can picture it now.

Oh, ladies, and that's why God created women

-with two breasts instead of three. -[all laughing]

Although you're cute, too.

Yes, you are. You should see her asses.

[all laugh]

Lloyd, I finished all your homework.

Oh!

Thanks, Jessica.

Get lost, sister, he's mine.

In your dreams. I saw him first!

You just want him for his hot rack!

You just want him because he's a genius, like Albert Frankenstein.

[indistinct squabbling]

Girls, girls, girls, girls!

All right, there's only one way to solve this.

Make out contest.

[blowing whistle]

-How was that, Lloyd? -[whooshing]

Lloyd, what are you doing? That's Jessica.

-And my mom? -Hi, sweetie.

-Hey, Mom. -Harry, this is my fantasy,

and I suggest you leave right now, before I imagine something horrible.

-But, I... -Harry!

Uh-uh!

Your fantasies are so much cooler than mine.

Hey, thanks for the jet pack!

[farts]

[all groaning]

-Oopsie-daisy. -Lloyd, did you just fart?

-Maybe. -Well, something stinks.

Maybe it's this mix tape I made you. Or maybe these flowers.

Uh...

-Thanks, Lloyd. -Yeah.

So, are you ready to take me to the principal's office?

Yeah. So, no small talk, huh? Yeah.

Good, because, you know, I'm not a big fan of the small talk.

So, how about this weather?

Hey, Jessica, I'm coming!

Oh. So, I see you've started without me.

-What are you doing? -What are you doing?

Let's just do it and get out of here.

[panting] Wow!

Straight to the business. Okay. Let me just get ready.

I can't get it off.

I'm so close, I can feel it.

[Lloyd] I never should've switched from Velcro! Ow!

Oh, wait, I got it!

-I got it. -That's it. I'm done.

This just didn't work out like I thought it would.

Did you at least enjoy yourself?

No, it was a complete waste of time.

[stammering]

This is embarrassing.

-This has never happened to me before. -[horn honking]

-That's my boyfriend. -Boyfriend?

What was all that talk about you riding on my waxer?

Thanks, Lloyd, but I didn't find what I was looking for.

And can you do me a favor and clean this place up?

Principal Collins can't know that we were here.

Yeah, no problem. I don't kiss and tell!

Dirty girl.

[whistling]

Oh, my God, a treasure chest.

I found Harry's treasure.

Oh! [grunts]

It's heavy. It must be fully loaded. Harry!

[pebbles clinking]

[clinking continues]

Harry! Hey, I found the treasure!

-Go away, ass-face! -Did you hear what I said, Harry?

The treasure, like on your map.

Yeah, right. Why don't you go show it to your girlfriend?

Jessica and I are through, Harry. Yeah.

I couldn't stand being with her knowing that you liked her.

It just wasn't worth our friendship.

You know, and also she had a boyfriend.

Did you hear something, Captain Rob?

-Captain Rob came back? -Yeah, he does sound like a rat-fink.

Hey there's no reason

-to use that kind of language. -[scoffs]

Good one, Captain Rob. He does look like a you-know-what.

We're telling inside jokes, are we now?

You know what? That's it.

We're through! You're out of the cool club!

The next time Turk's passing out wedgies, you're not gonna get one!

We're done, pal! Finito! The end!

Auf wiener schnitzel!

[sobs]

Mazel tov.

[Lewis] Come to Pete's Seafood Shanty...

Lloyd!

[laughs]

Do I know you?

Do you know me? Yeah, you know me. I'm in your class, stupid.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

It's really you. You're Harry's friend, aren't you?

Well, I wouldn't call us friends, but we're all right.

You really are a pirate.

Well, yeah. You like it?

So, I'm an arsehole, eh, Captain Rob? Huh?

What are you talking about?

Whatever.

-Come to Pete's... -[Lloyd] I want my friend back!

[both grunt]

-[Lloyd] Hey, buddy! Hey, Harry! -[pebbles clattering]

Hey, buddy, you gotta see this! Harry, are you in there?

Harry! Hey! Buddy!

Whoo!

Harry, I got a surprise for you!

You took the polar bear out of its natural habitat.

Yeah.

Mommy, where's the daddy polar bear?

He was shot by a hunter, just like your father.

Lloyd, I can't believe you!

Just when I thought I couldn't get any madder at you,

you do something like this.

[laughs]

Get that polar bear out of my yard

-and up to my room! -Okay, buddy!

I got it!

Hey, buddy, what happened to you?

I don't want any problems, okay?

Move! Move!

Excuse me! Get out of my way! Coming through!

He must be jealous of our polar wear.

[mimics growl]

[Collins] Where is it?

Baby, I'm going to spend the morning at the mall.

-You know, shop for Waikiki. -Where the hell is it?

[Mrs. Heller] A lot of stuff we could use for the trip.

-What are you looking for? -My chest.

-The chest I keep my papers in? -What papers?

The documents, the photos, the tapes.

-The evidence. -Evidence of what?

Sweetheart, keep up with me for half a minute.

The evidence of every scam we've ever pulled,

the evidence that's going to put us away for 20 years.

-[shouting] Where is it? -I don't know, it's not here.

Somebody stole it.

Jessica.

-What Jessica? -That girl.

Who tried to follow me on the field trip?

-She took it. -Are you sure?

Yeah. Oh! She's been snooping around, asking questions.

Huh.

Well, I'll take care of her.

Yeah? You gonna kill her?

No, no, I'm not gonna kill her.

Honey, why don't you see to it the kids are ready for the parade, okay?

-Okay. -Yeah.

And I think I'll pay Jessica

a little visit.

[Ms. Heller] The Thanksgiving Day parade is almost here.

So, any ideas for a float?

-[Lloyd] Ooh! A raft! -A blimp!

-A turd. -Titanic.

-A platypus. -Corn dog.

Message in a bottle.

No, not things that float, ideas for a float.

You know, like, if you see a parade and people...

Can I hear from anyone else?

-Hello. -Hi, Ching Chong. What do you have?

Uh...

[speaking Cantonese]

She's saying, "Beautiful swan..."

[Ching Chong speaking Cantonese]

"...flying gracefully over the rice fields..."

[speaking Cantonese]

Roy Orbison.

"...to the tune of Only the Lonely by Roy Orbison."

No, now come on, you guys.

Focus, think. Put your thinking caps on.

What do you think of when you think of Thanksgiving?

-Like cranberries and Indians. -Football!

Football, yeah! Get some!

Good for you. No.

Oh, hey, Lewis has got a good idea. George Washington.

-Whoo! -[Harry] Who?

-He only invented money. -[Ms. Heller] Very good, Lloyd.

How about a float of George Washington crossing the Delaware?

-Ooh! Or maybe a river. -Like the Atlantic.

Okay, so, it's settled.

This is gonna be the greatest Thanksgiving ever.

You mean we have to parade around in front of everyone?

On a float of George Washington?

-We're gonna look like idiots. -Exactly.

No chance. We are not doing it. No effing way.

[student] This is a terrible idea.

-On a float? -Hey!

Hey, did I mention

that if you don't make a float,

it's back to homework?

And real grades!

How would you like that?

Oh!

And actually having to attend class.

No.

Which means,

you won't be so special anymore.

That's what I was talking about.

Hey, guys, check it out.

[Jessica] Thanks, Principal Collins, for giving me this interview.

Anything I can do to help. So, you had some questions?

Yes, actually.

Last year, Toby was in AP English, and Lewis won the science fair.

What are they doing in this new special needs class?

Well, that's a poor question.

It's wordy, pedantic. A good question gets right to the point.

Example, where's my chest?

Chest? I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, I think you do.

You know, my parents are gonna wonder where I am.

One phone call from the principal will take care of that, my dear.

[in high-pitched tone] Hello, it's me, Brenda.

Jessica's friend?

Yeah, we're going to be pulling an all-nighter in the library tonight,

'cause we have a big exam tomorrow.

Macro economics, and it's really hard.

[clears throat]

[Lloyd] Ooh! They still have my two favorite flavors,

cherry and green. Yeah.

Oh, hey, fellas.

You want some of this? Yeah. It's gonna be good.

You know what? I'm gonna go crazy.

I'm gonna have two flavors. Suicide of deliciousness.

-That looks so tasty, Harry. -Oh, God, I want that.

He's mixing them.

Oh, it's gonna taste so good.

I was right. It's really good.

He's so lucky.

Mmm-mmm!

[vocalizing]

[cackles] Suck it.

[Harry] I want one.

We can't go in there. We'll be it.

You're right. We can't.

Come here.

Hey, little buddy. Hi, how ya doin'? Hey, you want to make $2?

-Sure. -Yeah? Okay.

All you got to do is go in there and get us two Slushees.

Okay.

Okay, as in we got a deal?

Yeah, deal. But first, give me the $2.

[laughing]

I said "doll hairs."

Psych. But a deal's a deal. In you go, little buddy. Come on.

Fine, give me the doll hairs.

-Harry? -A deal's a deal.

Would you take five bucks instead?

Good thinking, Harry. Good thinking. All right, be cool. Be cool.

-Be cool. -[whistling]

[in high tone] Yeah, and she's like, "You better call my mom."

And I'm like, "Whoa," and she's like, "Oh."

And I'm like, "Whoa," and she's like, "Oh."

And I'm like...

It's Brenda.

I'm new.

[Lloyd] Oh! Ice, ice, baby.

-Oh! -[chuckles]

[laughing mockingly]

Yeah, I peed in those. Enjoy.

Grow up.

-You're it. -Are not.

-[Harry] Are, too. -[Lloyd] D2.

-Chewbacca. -Ooh! Good one, Harry.

Hey, it's Jessica.

Harry, I thought we worked through this.

No, it's Jessica.

[Lloyd] Oh. Must be her boyfriend's car.

Its Principal Collins!

Principal Collins is Jessica's boyfriend? That totally makes sense.

That's why she didn't want him to know we were in his office the other night.

He can't see us here. Quick, be conspicuous!

Conspicuous?

[Lloyd whistling]

No wonder we both struck out with her.

I mean, how can we compete with the sexual power of the man

who occupies the highest office in the land.

Yeah, he's like the Pope, Harry.

Like we're gonna snake a chick from the Pope.

[engine starts]

Here he comes. Harry, switch.

Harry. Jeez, Moses and Mary.

-Hey, let's go spy on them. -Good thinking, Harry.

-Harry, bobsled! -Lever!

-Hang two! -Hang two!

Harry, go left!

Go left. Cease and desist!

Cease and desist!

Come on, Harry! Mush, mush, mush.

Harry, go straight. Warp speed, Harry. Warp speed!

[man screaming]

[man] Is that the best you've got?

Hey, that's my cart.

[Lloyd whooping]

[ice cream truck jingle playing]

Ice cream?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Harry?

-Oh, yeah. -[Lloyd] Snack break!

[horns honking]

Yummy!

-All right... -Harry!

-There they are! -Break's over!

So, what did you tell my parents on the phone?

Not to expect you tonight.

[Jessica] Well, someone's going to come looking for me.

[Collins] Oh, I don't think so, my dear.

[both laughing excitedly]

I'm going to ask you one more time.

Jessica, where's my chest?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Hmm? You don't know what I'm talking about?

Well, well, well.

What have we here? It appears to be a tape.

-That's not your tape. -Don't play with me, dear.

You're way out of your league.

-[knocking on glass] -[Harry] Jessica!

Harry, Lloyd.

You guys are a mess.

[Harry] We were still hungry, so we decided to get some dessert.

-It was fun. -[Lloyd] Yeah.

It was fun until Harry decided to put his wiener in my ear.

-[Harry] Sorry about that. -[Lloyd] It's all right.

So, it looks like the best man won.

Why didn't you tell us your boyfriend was Principal Collins?

What?

[Lloyd singing] Jessica! You light up my life!

Is that my mix tape?

It's being used for your seduction? I'm flattered.

Lloyd, when we were in Principal Collins office,

did you see any kind of chest?

You mean like Harry's treasure chest? Sure, I know where that is.

You found my treasure? Why didn't you tell me?

Three words. I did.

You were just all mad at me. You wouldn't even listen.

-Yeah, well, I'm listening now. -Me, too. This is my favorite part.

Harry, Lloyd, listen to me.

I only have time to say this once.

[Lloyd] God, she's so cute. Look at her teeth.

-[inaudible] -I bet she can bite through anything.

Yeah, she could.

You gotta get what's in the chest, and make sure everybody knows about it...

[Harry] I wonder what Lloyd's thinking about.

Look at all that hair.

She must have millions of tiny holes in her head.

Otherwise, it would just bunch up all in her brain.

So, guys, are you listening to me?

-Yeah, sure! -Yeah, yeah.

-I was, you know... -Yeah, sure.

[rewinding]

[Lloyd on recording] I'm a Pisces.

And that's the sign of the badger. I love picnics...

You guys gotta go get that chest,

and show the world what Collins has been doing.

Don't worry about me. I can get out of this anytime I want.

And I'm getting the story every high school reporter dreams of.

[Lloyd] Come on, Jessica.

Don't push me, 'cause I'm close to the...

Go, get out of here.

[banging]

-Gotcha, you... What? -Stop!

I don't think this is the right thing to do.

Harry, we don't even know what's in there.

You're overreacting.

I don't know who we are anymore.

You're right.

But I feel like I deserve much more of this treasure

-'cause I was the one that found it. -My mom gave me the map.

-But I lugged it all over town. -I made the polar bear pants.

-I ate your mom's pie! -I found that rock!

It was a diamond, and you swallowed it.

We were all out of top hats.

Enough! What has this cursed chest done to us?

You know, Lloyd, the real treasure is our friendship.

Yeah, you're right. On the other hand...

-What's all this? -[sniffing]

It's full of files. There's pictures and documents.

It's amazing!

Oh!

Hey, Lloyd, this looks like one of your mix tapes.

Maybe it's from the pirate who buried this treasure.

You should go put it on.

[Collins] Principal's log, September 23rd. Check, check, check. Sound check.

Hey, it's Principal Collins.

That makes total sense. I found the treasure chest in his office.

... Moffitt grant money...

This mix tape isn't as good as yours, Lloyd.

-No. -Sound, check, check, check.

-He speaks pretty good Chinese. -That's not Chinese.

[tape rewinding]

That's Chinese.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

[Collins] And that is how l, Principal Collins,

became the mastermind behind this glorious plan.

It's the crime of the century.

He's right. We have committed the crime of the century.

We never thanked him for giving us the special needs class!

But what do we do?

[snaps fingers]

I have an idea.

[announcer over PA] Welcome to the Providence Hill High School

Thanksgiving parade!

Aren't you glad you're not watching football?

This year's theme, white meat or dark?

Floats and exhibits from all classes and organizations.

So, enjoy.

What the hell is that?

What did you morons do? Where's George Washington?

[Turk] What do we do with this?

-Looks great, doesn't he? -No.

What were you guys thinking?

[Terri] Yeah, why'd you give him a makeover?

[panting]

Sorry, I'm late. Woke up tied to the bed.

Somebody cut my hair while I was sleeping.

Hey, that's my hair!

[announcer] It's the marching band's musical tribute to stuffing.

Please, do not throw cigarettes at the floats.

I've searched everywhere and no luck. The chest is still out there.

That's why we get the check as soon as Zimmer shows up

and blow this pop stand before anybody finds out anything.

[trumpet blowing off-key]

The band sounds terrible.

I know, I sold all the wind instruments.

Hawaiian Air, business class.

[both laughing]

-You like your new coat? -I love it.

That's why our mascot isn't a stallion anymore.

This is horse?

No, no, no, I sold the horse, to pay for the...

I didn't know horse could feel this soft.

-That's not horse, honey. -Feel it.

Yes, yes, it is soft.

So, what do you think of the float?

-[Harry] Guys, this is much better. -Yeah.

Principal Collins is a way greater American

than George Washington will ever be.

I don't get it. Why'd you make him a pirate?

[Ching Chong] I'll tell you why.

You won't believe these documents.

They provide evidence of a long history of fraud and embezzlement

from the school by Principal Collins and Ms. Heller,

aka the lunch lady.

[Harry] My God, can you believe your ears?

Yeah, no clicks and whistles. She speaks the English perfectly.

Lloyd, you're a great teacher.

Ching Chong, what happened to your beautiful Asian accent?

Oh.

Actually, my name is Cindy. The accent just helps me meet boys.

You want it back? [in Chinese accent] You got it, Joe.

[Terri] Look at this.

Collins took $2000 that was supposed to go to

a new state-of-the-art Stallion mascot uniform.

Wait, what? Let me see.

Why have I been wearing this one with puke in the head?

-Are you serious? -Am I? Smell.

We got to tell people about Collins.

-Hey, Superintendent. -I'm not sure I can do this.

We got to nail this guy. You'll be fine. Just make sure he takes that check.

Detective, you know,

he's gonna be expecting Moffitt to be "special".

Don't worry about it. I studied acting at the police academy.

-Police academy? -You'll be fine.

Just remember your lines. It's show time.

-Principal Collins. -Superintendent Zimmer.

-Hello. -Hello, hello.

I'd like to introduce you to Richard Moffitt,

former special needs student, now American success story.

-Well... -Go ahead.

It's a very great pleasure to meet you, sir.

Very... Very great pleasure.

Well, is that what I think it is? Your little gift for the school?

Yes.

I drew this.

Special needs.

-Time for french fries now. -Oh. Yes.

But the check will be presented this morning?

-I'm very strong. -Yes, you are.

I have your check right here.

But I think Mr. Moffitt is interested in seeing

the special needs float first.

I can turn on all the faucets in my house.

Even the hose.

-But we don't drink from the hose, do we? -No.

[announcer] There's the special needs float.

Here they come! Wait till you see what the children have done.

Yes.

[Collins recording over PA] This is visionary.

I think I've finally figured out a way to bilk this school

out of enough money to get us that condo in Waikiki.

-[Ms. Heller] Baby, you've done it all. -[Collins] Small potatoes.

The Richard Moffitt Special Needs Grant.

The state is giving 100 grand in his name

to every school that has...

That sounds like you!

Oh, my God, they got the chest.

-[Ms. Heller] You got the extender? -[Collins] No.

Nothing they do makes any sense,

which is why we created...

-[sirens blaring] -...the special needs class.

[Man] You're going down, Collins!

And why we need that check.

-[woman] He stole the school's money! -[indistinct shouting]

Pony.

Hey, there's Principal Collins!

[announcer] There's some sort of disturbance on the field.

Please remain seated.

[woman] Somebody stop him!

Oh. He's coming back.

Go!

Hey, hey!

Hey!

[Collins] Check in hand.

All I wanted was a condo in Waikiki.

-Watch your hands, piggy! -Get in the car.

-Wow, they get their own police escort. -[sirens whoops]

-All our hard work pays off. -Yeah?

He's going to jail for a long time.

Principal of jail? Wow, that's a promotion.

-Yeah, those inmates are lucky. -Yeah.

-Hey, Jessica! -Hi!

I guess I'll see you guys later.

Oh, my God. She's two-timing Principal Collins.

[Lloyd] Yeah, with that complete loser.

-[Harry] He's probably a jock. -[Lloyd] Jessica, what are you thinking?

[Harry] Check out those stupid butt-ugly jeans.

[Lloyd groans]

You know what, Harry?

This whole experience has soured me on women forever.

Yeah, we should never let a woman come between us again.

That's not going to happen. We learned a very valuable lesson here, Harry.

-We're not ever gonna forget that. -Yeah.

[horn honking]

Excuse us. You're Harry and Lloyd, right?

-Actually, I'm Harry and he's Lloyd. -Lloyd.

[both] Well, we're the Felchers.

-My name's Freida, and this is Rita. -Hi, boys.

-Hi. -Hi.

We're gonna go check out the all-girls college.

[both] Do you guys wanna come?

-Sure! -No, wait, Harry, Harry!

Just a second. We're just gonna...

Listen, we got to figure out who gets who, all right? No more competition.

-Right. -Okay, so, pick one.

[exhales]

-The one on the left. -Oh!

-What's wrong? -That's the one that I wanted.

-No. -Yeah.

She's one of a kind.

-[laughing] -[Lloyd] Try one in a million.

What should we do?

-You take her. -No, I'm not going to do that to you.

It's okay, Harry, I'll find somebody.

I'm not doing it. Remember, chicks are for fags.

[chuckles]

That's a good one, Harry. I'll handle this.

Yeah. Why don't you go ahead and go on without us?

What? What do you mean?

Well, someday you might meet somebody as special as my friend Harry up there,

but I doubt it.

And your little friend over there,

she's nice, too.

What?

[engine revving]

Look out, Harry!

[Lloyd] Oh, God, Harry!

God, Harry!

Oh! Oh!

That was close, huh, Harry? I got dirt on my shirt.

How gross is this? Harry?

-[grunts] -[exclaims]

Harry? You got to look both ways, buddy.

[moaning]

Charlie!

-Oh, my God. -Hey.

It's you.

You're the guy that crapped up my house! What are you... You're covered in shit!

What are you... My car's covered in shit!

-No, no, it's not that. -[Walter] Oh my God! No, stop!

-Not helping. -What are you doing? Oh, my God!

-There's shit all over my car! -Harry, Harry, let's go.

What is wrong with you?

-You okay, buddy? -Yeah.

-There's poo all over my hood! -What's up with that guy?

Beats me. He's Jessica's dad.

-She says he's really anal. -Oh!

[Walter] It's inside my grill!

-That's gross. -I know.

There's shit everywhere! Hey, come back here!

I'm not cleaning this up! I'm gonna have to have this towed.

Come back here! Are you out of your minds?

What is it with you and fecal matter? Look at this!

That's enough!

That...

That's enough!

-Class dismissed! -Come on, Harry.

-Lewis! -Slow, easy boy!

Oh, snaps!

[giggling]

Hi.

Mrs. D, you sure have a great looking pie.

-You put your meat in my mom's pie. -[laughing]

You're it! And no tap...

[both snicker]

It was him.

Enough... Oh, shit, I'm sorry.

-[laughing] -Get back, get back.

[vocalizing]

-Why are you dressed like that? -'Cause you said!

No, Harry, I said, "Don't dress like a queen!"

Oh!

[Lloyd] Get up, get up, get up, get up!

Uh...

So, you're not in the store, huh?

[chuckling] Yeah, we're closed. Get out of here.

Actually, we have something for you.

-You're it. -[laughing excitedly]

Are we even filming?

-Don't you... -[barking]

Don't you snap at me like that.

Don't you snap at me like that. You're lucky...

Don't you snap at me like that!

That is shit!

Oh, God! [screams]

Harry... [laughs] Stop!

-Harry, Lloyd... [laughs] -[man] Cut!

Why have I been...

[both speaking gibberish]

-[man] Okay, back to one. -[laughing]

You want me to say "shit" or "poo"?

Oh my God!

Ah!

Oopsie-daisy.

Lloyd?

Did you just fart?

[laughing]

[director] Cut it.