Original subtitles

[Archer coughs] Oh, God.

Ugh, no, forget the glass, Woodhouse, just gimme the pitcher…

For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God.

Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails…

Pray for me, now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon, amen.

Er, perhaps a coddled egg?

No. No eggs, Woodhouse. Maybe ever again.

Some dry toast?

Yeah, or you could skip a step and just feed me some vomit.

Not like you to get a hangover, sir.

Yeah, I don't know what happened. I kinda remember being at the wake…

-[widow crying hysterically] -Oh, you poor dear.

On behalf of his fellow ISIS agents,

please let me be the first to offer my condolences.

And let me be the first to welcome you back into the dating pool.

-[continues crying hysterically] -[burps] And-or my new hot tub.

But after that it's just snippets. I think I had one more drink there.

[all chanting] Drink!

Then I think I took a cab…

Hang on, wait, lemme see some hands!

Who wants chicken and waffles?

How did we bring food in here?

Oh, and also, did we lose some people?

Lana 'n Cyril bailed. Triflin' bitches.

Here. Less yer a triflin' bitch, too.

[cough] Ugh, what'd I just put inside me?

Green Russians. It's absinthe and--

Milk, sweet shitsnacks lookit those!

[Archer] Oh! My! God! That's right!

It's somewhat coming back to me!

Whoo! I'm Pacman Jones!

Come home with me!

Plus my valet will give you some heroin.

Thankfully I didn't have to share.

But she did, she came home with me. I remember. Green Russians, it's fuzzy,

-I don't remember this… -[doll squeaks]

But I do remember her being the best sex I've ever had in my life.

-[Woodhouse] Er-- -Shut up.

And that includes Europe, Lana, my Brazilian au pair…

No woman has ever made me--

-Oh, shit! -[glass breaking]

-Sir… -Phone number? Matchbook?

I don't know her name, where she works…

Woodhouse, how am I gonna find her?

[clears throat] You might check the loo.

What, here? Why didn't you say so?

Ow!

-[glass shards clattering] -Ow!

Ow. Ow.

[grimacing] Ow.

Uh, so, hey, hi.

I'm, uh, Sterling Archer, you may remember me from the strip club,

and hopefully also from what was hands down the most incredible sex

that I personally have ever had.

Uh, hello?

Oh, right, so, uh, I know we had an implied oral agreement about heroin…

-[Pam] Heroin? -Wh--

That's the last frickin' thing I need.

[straining] I'm bound up tighter 'n dick's hatband.

No, no, not…

Wait, were you… Did we…

[chuckles] Yeah, we did, and you loved it.

[mumbles, body thuds]

[Pam grunts, farts]

[theme music playing]

Okay, jeez, I get it!

Well, you say that, but I worry that you think I'm exaggerating when I say--

-That I was the best sex you ever had? -No.

That if anybody ever finds out about it, I will literally--

Pam, look at me. I will literally murder you.

Not literally…

Yes, literally.

You will wake up in three separate 50-gallon drums.

That's a 150 gallons.

Of Pam's hot, dirty, ball-slappiney--

-[Archer] Oh, God! -Come at me, bro!

[bodies thud]

♪ How ya gonna keep 'em Down on the farm ♪

♪ After they seen Pam-ee? ♪

Yeah, how're you gonna…

I mean, my God, you can't. That was… That was just--

[Malory] Disgusting!

And I hoped I would never have to say this,

but you finally topped your tenth grade sports banquet.

I-- Okay first of all, Mrs. Coach Mumford came on to me.

And second of all, what are we talking about?

Hitting on your dead colleague's widow? At his own wake?

Oh, that.

-Okay, so-- -So help me God, Sterling,

sometimes I think that I've failed as a mother.

Sometimes?

Oh, shut up, and the last thing you need is another drink.

Ugh, seriously, how can you be drinking after last night?

-How can you not? -Because I don't have a problem.

[sighs in exasperation] Well, I do…

First step's admitting it, Mother.

-Wh-- Not with drinking! -[Lana and Archer] Eh…

My problem, besides your snide remarks,

is Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB.

And also possibly Archer's father.

-What? -How do you know about that?

Because I'm part of everybody?

Damn that blabbermouthing Pam.

Why, what'd she say?

Besides the stuff about Jakov, which obviously is what you meant…

So, Nikolai has been dropping hints that he may want to defect.

-What? -That's awesome.

I think you mean awful.

Uh, ISIS getting an inside look at every single KGB operation in the world?

And that's awful how?

Because he thinks he's going to move in with me!

Me, who happens to be in a relationship with Burt Reynolds,

in case you've forgotten?

I actually did forget that.

Yeah, I never see you together. Are you, like, dating, or…

It's… complicated.

What with our work schedules, and… work,

it's hard to find time for actual dates.

But you do see one another…

Well, yes, of course, but--

But never in public, right?

Only at your place, or maybe a hotel, or--

Or on the dirty floor in the elevator?

Wh-- Pam! Get your bloated carcass--

Out! I got it, I'm on this, I got it!

How did she know about the elevator?

I… Ew.

Burt made sure I erased the security tape. Wait… [gasps]

…you don't think Burt's ashamed to be seen with me?

-Lana. -I'm sorry?

Well, I'm sorry, but if anybody ever found out, I would die of shame.

Well, how do ya think that makes me feel?

I don't care, Pam!

Now, would you please come in this dirty toilet stall and have sex with me.

Oh, all right

-But this time get in there. -[unzipping]

[Pam] All ya been doin' is givin' one side hell.

Well, when you put it like that, it sounds kinda shitty.

[Major Jakov in Russian accent] Thirty years of my life I give to the KGB!

And now you, this… This traitorous cyborg

are sitting at my desk? How would you put it?

[chuckles] Yeah, you really got cornholed, huh?

Wait, don't answer yet, because I'm also reassigning you to Siberia.

Siberia?

Well, Barry can't have you moping around here, you know,

sowing the discontent.

-[in Russian accent] Is bad for morale. -Et tu, Brute?

-Et me, buddy. -Argh.

So, here's my advice to you, dress in layers.

And don't even think about doing anything crazy like defecting.

I would never defect. I love Mother Russia.

Even when you're chopping through the ice in the toilet so you can poop?

I'm kidding, obviously.

I mean, you're gonna be, like, 600 miles from a toilet.

Sorry, had to go to the bathroom, nothing unusual,

just, uh, you know, normal bodily waste excretion.

-If you're quite finished… -Damn near.

…then go home, sober up, and make sure your apartment is secure.

Uh, why? To all three of those?

Because if and when Nikolai shows up here, he's not staying at my place.

-Well, he's not staying with me. -Then go prep the safehouse.

Because you can bet every KGB agent and freelance assassin

this side of Berlin will be hunting him down like a dog.

-Who hunts dogs? -[Cheryl] Orientals, duh!

[Barry] So, when you say you assume

Jakov got on that train to Siberia, you know what you're doing?

I make you ass.

And Barry doesn't like!

[crashes]

Being made an ass, he really doesn't.

And as you can-- Well, it's over there now,

but the telex from the Siberia desk says Jakov never showed up.

Now, why do you think that might be?

Um…

Thank you, Boris!

I won't forget this!

[sniffles, voice shaking] I promised myself I don't cry.

Promise broken.

-[sniffles] -Hey. What was that?

Allergies?

To what, making sure people get on trains?

[chuckles] Nice one other, Barry.

Now Jakov's got a 12-hour head start, and the details of every single

KGB operation on the globe in his fat, combed-over head!

Ah, and you have no idea where he went.

Well, I assume he's in New York, with those shitbitchingassbastard Archers.

-But-- -I can assume! You're already an ass!

So, contact our sleeper in New York, and then cancel all my meetings this week,

because I will also be in New York… murdering people.

Eh, don't take this the wrong way,

but I pictured you having nicer apartment.

-[Malory laughs] -Why that is funny?

Hmm? Oh, no, sorry, there's a funny Marmaduke on the fridge.

-A what? -And this is actually… [clears throat]

…the ISIS safehouse, cheers!

-Safehouse? But Malory, I assumed-- -Which you shouldn't have.

What, you thought you'd just show up out of the blue and we'd move in together?

Pretty much, yeah.

[sighs wearily] Nikolai, it's not that I don't--

Am not very fond of you, I mean, we have such history together, and--

And maybe a son?

Mmm, maybe, but--

But so? Where is he?

-[door opens] -[Lana] Good question.

-He was supposed to prep this dump. -And didn't.

He's supposed to be here

-for the first shift of guard duty. -And isn't.

-Uh-- -Hi, Lana Kane, you must be Major Jakov?

Such a pleasure. Be a lamb and take those to the kitchen?

So, I think I speak for all of us when I say we shouldn't be

the only ones guarding your maybe-baby-daddy.

I can't believe you all know about that.

[Major Jakov] Wow… [laughs] …that is big dog!

Marmaduke.

And regardless of any personal ties I may have with Nikolai,

he's an invaluable asset, and we have to protect him.

I mean, you know, at least until he's been debriefed.

And then? What, he's on his own?

-[Malory clears throat] -Wow.

I'm serious, you are literally draining the life out of me.

C'mon, you make me sound like some kinda

chupacabra, but for dicks.

[chuckles] A terrifying yet accurate comparison.

Where'd you learn all that stuff?

You know I grew up on a farm, right?

Really hoping that's not relevant.

Ms. Kane and your mother.

-[sarcastically] Hooray. -I gotta bounce. Later taters.

Lana, listen, if this is a booty call,

-I'm flattered. -[Lana over cell] Oh, my God.

[Malory] You're supposed to be guarding Nikolai!

So, uh, about that, I mean, don't you think that's gonna be kinda…

[Major Jakov sniffling, sobbing]

…um, awkward?

I actually think it's kinda sweet.

-[Archer] Uh, little help? -No, you're good.

The camera's set up for the debriefing,

and one of us will relieve you in, like, eight hours?

Wait, where are you guys going?

Uh, a town called work?

Neutralizing a KGB sleeper in Brooklyn, thanks to this intel from the major.

[continues sobbing] It was least I could do.

Since otherwise he'd kill you?

-Is win-win. -Is it?

So.

-Yeah. -Sterling.

-Yeah. -Is long time.

Yeah, when was, uh… [snaps fingers]

Oh, I guess when I was in the dreaded Lubyanka

with jumper cables clamped to my balls!

So, da, this is a little awkward.

Yeah.

-Maybe some shots? -Yeah, let's try that.

[Lana] Anytime now…

Cyril.

-Cyril! -[coughs] Lana, I, uh…

I don't think I'm cut out for this. [chuckles]

Well, don't take this the wrong way, but neither does anyone else.

Just pretend he's, like, a rabid dog.

[Cyril] Oh, God, just like Old Yeller.

Yeah, if Old Yeller had a big stack of KGB codebooks

and fif… $40,000 bucks in a floor safe.

And was also identified as a sleeper agent by the head of the KGB.

-Who, Barry? -[Lana] What?

White? You guys like smooth R&B?

Duh.

Are you telling me Barry "The Bionic Douchebag" Dylan

is running the KGB?

Only if I can defect, too, because that dude is out of his damn mind.

[Lana] I'm listening.

He's crazy. I mean, he's smart, way smarter than Jakov, but--

Oh, and you can bet Jakov's intel is bad.

Really? This isn't your kneecap?

Don't you get it?

Barry gave me up so you'd trust Jakov on the rest.

He knew Jakov wanted to defect, so--

-So, he's been feeding him fake intel? -[KGB agent] I mean, I assume.

Because Barry's got a master plan, which, when you hear it,

-will probably make your head explo-- -[gunshot]

-[Lana] Jesus. Ahem. -[Ray] Jesus.

-[Lana] Cyril? -I'm sorry!

Yes. Yes, you are.

[Majoy Jakov slurring] Is I who am sorry.

I should have been there for you.

Shut up, don't do that.

I mean, what were you gonna do, marry my mother?

Have you met her? Ow!

Don't you ever disrespect her.

You're not my dad!

[both laugh hysterically]

How would you know?

I know, right?

But I have to say, you don't look like me.

And don't take this the wrong way, but thank Christ.

[laughs] Ow!

-Watch it, you dumb idiot. -[Barry] Oh, man, I am so sorry.

Here, lemme get you some-- Oh, my God, Cheryl?

-Barry? -Wow, I was hoping I'd bump into you.

-Wait, really? -And darn if I didn't. Literally.

You-- Wait a minute, why am I thinking you live in, like, Russia?

Mmm, maybe the tracksuit?

Duh, right, and which, by the way, you are totally rocking.

Oh, that's just my huge muscles.

[Cheryl chuckles whimsically]

So, tell me, how strong are you?

Insanely. Wanna get outta here?

Oh, my God, totally, but it has to be your place,

'cause mine reeks of ocelot piss.

I have no response to that.

Doesn't merit one.

And my place is currently flooding so--

-Hotel? -Damn, no money.

-Tracksuit, no pockets. -Damn it.

I know, it's the one single drawback.

Wait, doesn't ISIS have a safehouse?

Yeah, but you have promise that all that horrific stuff I think I remember

-about you is just false memories? -[Barry] I--

'Cause I get those a lot.

Cross the microchip in my heart.

And don't get all girly on me. Check!

[Malory] Hold the door!

Heading out?

No, I thought I'd just take all my things for a ride on the elevator.

-Okay. -I actually have a date

-with Burt Reynolds. We're watching Gator. -[cell phone chimes]

[Pam] Your place?

Well, if we go out, you know, he's just mobbed, so…

So, it's a DVD, a box of wine, some Hot Pockets and off to bed.

No. Well, it's not a box of wine.

Pam, uh, let me ask you something…

How can you just leave me here?

[Archer over cell] Mainly because I have an incredibly addictive personality.

So, just debrief yourself with the camera,

and when I get back we'll talk about the DNA test thing,

if, ya know, you're still into doing that.

[Major Jakov] Of course I am still into that.

But in meantime, you think I will be safe?

[Archer] God, what's Russian for "duh"? It's a safehouse.

Nobody knows where it is.

-[Cheryl] Well, here it is. -[Barry] Neat.

Can I see your neck a minute?

Oh, Barry… [moaning in pleasure]

Barry? Barry!

[straining] Barry!

My point is, if you're confident in yourself as a woman,

who cares if he wants to keep it on the DL?

-Well, yes, but-- -But nothin'.

Because who's to say you're not using him for sex?

Pam, don't take this the wrong way,

but you're not nearly as stupid as you look.

Okay.

-[line ringing] -[Archer over cell] Mmm, yello?

-Archer don't talk, just listen. -Why? What's up? What are you--

Jakov's intel is bad and Barry's got some sort of master plan

that we're clueless about, thanks to Cyril--

-Who has apologized profusely-- -Quiet game!

So, we're gonna regroup at the safehouse and try to… figure out…

Goddamn it.

-What? -Wait for it.

[laughs] Leave it! [beeps]

-[knock at door] -Da, da. Keep your shirt on.

Barry doesn't wear a shirt.

[grunts, body thuds]

Ruins Barry's whole tracksuit vibe.

I swear to God, if he put as much effort into his job

as he does into those idiot voicemails…

-And you say got this from a KGB sleeper? -[Lana over cell] Right before Cyril

-blew his head off. -What?

You son of bitch, you actually think you will get away with this?

[Barry laughs smugly]

Obviously. Why else would I do it?

Who knows with you. You're crazy.

[shouts] Am I? [laughs]

Between Archer ruining my life and you dicks turning me into a cyborg,

-I'm kind of amazed I'm even this sane. -[gas hissing]

Which is obviously a relative term, but--

Uh, what are you doing?

-Rationalizing my behavior. -With gas.

Oh. Killing you.

-Oh. -[chuckles]

Oh, Marmaduke…

And gas is not so bad way to die…

Well, again, relative term.

And afterward, if Sterling want,

he can still get some DNA from my body,

and find out if I am his real father.

Which I'm sure would provide him with some much-needed closure.

Which is why it's not gonna happen.

[sputters] Why, what is that?

This, glad you asked,

is a block of ice with a fork frozen in it.

What are you doing with it?

I am putting this fork-filled block of ice in this microwave oven.

-Now I'm setting the timer for five-- -[timer clicks]

Oh, heck, let's call it ten minutes.

Doesn't matter, ice can't tell time.

-It can only melt. -[Barry] And when it does…

Spark from fork, gas from stove…

Boom.

And no DNA left for papa test.

Nope. Just uncertainty and doubt.

Which, hopefully, over time, will eventually drive Archer insane.

And this… This is your master plan?

Huh? Oh, no, that's this whole other awesome thing.

This is just a goof. Later, tater.

-[door closes] -Sterling. If by some miracle

this video tape survives the explosion,

there is something very important I want you to know…

First thing is, yer shitter's clogged.

Don't care, can't feel my legs…

Second thing is, if you want me to keep doin' ya dirty on the down-low…

Yes! Yes.

…then we are gonna have some ground rules. To wit.

Barry? Was here?

Yeah, but she says he took off after he-- Here, you tell her.

[straining] So, Barry brought me here-- [coughs]

How did he know where "here" was?

No idea, but then he strangled me,

which at first was hot, he is, like, super strong,

but then I was, like, floating toward this really bright light

and some guy with a beard.

Jesus Christ--

Or Richie Havens.

Nikolai!

[Major Jakov] And so, Sterling,

remember, things are not always what they appear.

[electricity crackling]

-[phone ringing] -Mmm, yello?

Hello?

Oh, for-- Mother this isn't voicemail.

-[sirens blaring in distance] -[Archer] Mother, c'mon…

The time is exactly 7:16, and I wish they were,

but even my voicemail pranks aren't that elaborate.

Mother!

-Sterling? -Leave it. Just kidding.

Sterling, it's me…

Duh. Where are you? What's all that--

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Yeah.

What's up?

That was, um… My, uh…

The man who might've been my father…

just died.

Awkward.

And it's all my fault because instead of doing my job, I was here.

Half-drunk and having amazing sex.

Well, I wouldn't say amazing…

What? C'mon, you were pushin' rope.

[theme music playing]