Original subtitles

-[classical music playing over radio] -[snoring]

[dishes rattling]

-[Archer mumbling] -[liquid sloshing]

[sniffs] Woodhouse, you you sneaky old fiend…

-Happy birthday, sir. -Thanks, Woodhouse.

This is amazing, seriously, you outdid yourself.

That's not all, sir.

[horn tooting]

[Woodhouse] I, uh, sorry about that, sir.

It's okay, I'll just wait here while you go

make me a whole new birthday breakfast not covered in garbage.

It's not garbage sir, it's--

Scraps of paper, Woodhouse, which by any definition, yes, is garbage.

Afraid I don't have the ingredients to recreate this exact breakfast, sir.

[sighs] Okay, then, uh, make Nutella waffles.

-Mmm… -Damn it. Nutella steak-and-eggs?

Today's my shopping day.

Why do you even bother… living?

No time to talk, Popeye. It's my birthday.

Were you gonna say "happy birthday"? Don't bother.

Happy birthday to me.

-Mmm-hmm. -[elevator door closes]

[sighs] I wonder what the guys in the office

have planned for my birthday.

Wonder if Fudgie the Whale will be there or Cookie Puss.

[chuckles]

Cookie Puss.

Those guys at Carvel know what they're doing.

Paging Dr. Boy! Dr. Birthday Boy!

[clears throat]

So, what're you ladies up to?

-Cleaning out the stupid file room. -Oh, yeah? Any particular reason?

Uh, it's full of shit?

[Lana] Speaking of, is that Archer?

Yes, but I have to warn you, I don't like…

surprises?

-Or doing your share of work, apparently. -Who likes that?

You'd better start, because a lot of this junk is yours. Now get to work.

Are you serious? On my… My…

-Your what? -[huffs] My never mind.

Because here's nothing special about today whatsoever, Mother.

Oh, I wouldn't say that…

I-- Wait, really?

-[fire alarm blaring] -Yes, it's the quarterly fire drill.

Let's go, people! Get the lead out!

-Ferris Bueller, you're my hero… -Shut up.

Hang on, does nobody seriously know what today is?

-Tuesday? -The Rapture?

Come on, people. Look alive.

I never remember it taking so long.

Well, maybe that's because you never remember anything, so--

Oh, my God.

[all] Surprise!

I-- Is that--What-- Mother?

Happy birthday, dear.

I… [sniffles]

-[body thuds] -[Ray] Ow.

I think.

[theme music playing]

[Archer] Oh, I can feel it.

[sultry music plays]

I can feel your power.

What's that? You want me inside you?

[Malory] Sterling.

-[gasps] You know my name? -[Malory] Sterling!

Hmm? Oh, uh, sorry. [chuckles]

I believe a "thank you" is in order.

Mother, oh, my God, yes, thank you.

And not just… Well, mostly me, of course, but Dr. Krieger helped, too.

Well, only if by "helped" you mean…

-[engine starts] -[Cheryl exclaims]

…oversaw the design the world's most insanely kickass spy car.

-It's a spy car? -Lana?

-Wh-- Lana, no! -[all scream]

[bullets ricochet]

-[glass breaking] -[Brett grunts]

Holy shit!

[weakly] Yeah, I'm like a magnet. [coughs]

Brett, shut up. What else does it do?

-Press that red button? -I--

Wait, is it gonna kill everybody?

Press that blue button?

[automated voice] Welcome, Mr. Archer…

It does know my name!

To the Dodge Challenger Special Agent Edition, brought to you by Dodge.

-[Archer] Thanks, Dodge! -Featuring a 440 V8 engine,

6-speed manual transmission, and a top speed of 185.

Heavy-duty suspension. Runflat tires.

Bulletproof body panels and windows.

Twin 30-cal machine guns mounted in the front…

antipursuit countermeasures in the rear.

It makes the Mach 5 look like a vagina.

[model] The interior boasts mil-spec GPS,

satellite communications, hi-fi stereo, rich Corinthian leather…

[Archer] Corinth is famous for its leather!

And of course…

[Archer exclaims]

[lawyer] To be stocked with non-alcoholic beverages only.

Dodge cannot stress this enough. Never ever drink and drive.

Now, Sterling, listen to me.

It's like seeing the face of God…

-Sterling. -What?

This car cost me a lot of money, so you have to take proper care of it.

-[Archer] I will. -And if you crash it--

-I won't. -Or God forbid, if you get it stolen--

I won't.

You won't ever get another one.

Mother I promise, I'll take the best care of it of anything ever.

You'd better.

Well, c'mon. Give your mom a hug.

-Oh, no, I don't think that's really-- -Possible.

-Wha-- -Um, at all.

-Why not? -Um…

-Oh, God, he's got an erection. -[all exclaim in disgust]

-[Krieger] Me too. -[Cyril] Disgusting.

Sorry, it's this Corinthian leather.

In my new Dodge Challenger!

-[tires screech] -[glass breaking]

[Archer clears throat] I forgot to close the bar.

[glass shards clattering]

-[Archer] In my new Dodge Challenger! -[tires screech]

Wow, so how much did Dodge kick in?

Not as much as you'd think.

So, I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I, uh, kinda wanna have sex with you.

Is that all right?

-Ugh! Seriously Dodge? Apple juice? -[glass breaking]

Not you the car, obviously,

but the blonde genie-woman who lives inside you that talks.

So, what do I call you?

Hello? Jeanie, it's me, master.

I-- Wait a minute, was that just a lame prerecorded video?

-Or are you pouting for some reason? -[digital beeps]

[sirens blaring]

[Archer] Fine, then pout.

But that totally wasn't my fault…

You shouldn't even be able to put the car in gear with the bar open.

Besides the danger of drunk driving…

It's obviously a huge design flaw.

Which is why now you're all sticky!

Which, I'm sorry for that.

Once we get you parked I'll clean you up and wipe you down with a fine chammy.

And also quit talking to you,

because now I'm pretty sure that was just a recording.

I mean, it was, right?

Whatever, either way, I'm done talking.

Oh, come on, it's full?

Damn it, guess I'll have to park on the street.

[Malory] If you get it stolen, you won't ever get another one.

-[tires screech] -I heard you, Mother. Somehow…

[vocalizing]

Ooh.

-Hiya, neighbor. -[tires screeching]

The grappling hook detaches from my end?

Way to think it through, Dodge.

So, clean all the broken glass and the sticky apple juice,

then I need all new glassware, some real liquor…

Uh… Oh!

There's a grappling hook in the street, get that,

and then find out where to buy caltrops.

Caltrops?

Yeah, caltrops.

Try, maybe "area denial weapons.com."

Very good, sir

[phone rings]

Oh, did you decide to start talking to me?

Nothing, Woodhouse, what do you want?

Ugh, it's black? Powerful? Sexy?

Like if Ron O'Neal was a car?

-What? -[glass breaking]

No…

No, no, no…

No!

No, no, no, no, no…

Sir? What are you--

[sobs] I thought, maybe she had some sort of, cloak, cloaking device.

No, then I'd be standing in it.

-You. What'd you do with Jeanie? -Steady on, sir.

I swear to God I'll scoop out whatever organs you have left and…

Argh! [screams]

Sorry sir, you were going all Bilboey.

[groans softly] I'm sorry. Woodhouse.

Can I see that can for a sec?

-No, sir. -[can clatters]

Woodhouse, I just wanted to read the warning label

about in case of eye contact.

You did not, you were going to spray me in the eyes.

[chuckles] I totally was.

Oh, my God, okay, I gotta think…

-Would you stop? -They look pretty bad, sir.

Really? [sarcastically] Because they feel great.

Okay, so obviously Jeanie was stolen.

-And who steals cars, Woodhouse? -Jippos.

Car thieves.

And this was obviously a ring of very high-end car thieves.

So, now I have to go undercover in the high-end car-thief

whatever, underworld, and steal Jeanie back.

Sounds dangerous, sir.

Not nearly as dangerous as Mother finding out I lost my birthday present.

-[young Archer sobbing] -[door creaks]

-[young Malory] Sterling. -Yes, Mother?

Where is your new bicycle?

[crying] No!

That's what I thought…

-And you let her do it. -I--

I'm kidding, you couldn't have stopped her,

she would've snapped your spine.

I mean, you're just… tiny.

Lana. Whaddya know, whaddya say?

I know you're about to ask me for a favor, and I say, wait for it…

-[Archer] I-- -[Lana] Wait.

[cap clatters]

-Was that even a twist-off? -No.

-Yikes. -Is my answer to your favor.

I don't care what it is. The answer is no.

[sighs] Somebody stole my birthday car.

Okay, I'm gonna drink some of this,

and then I'm gonna do a huge spit take on you.

-What the shit, Lana? -[chuckles] I told you I was gonna do it.

Right, sorry, guess I'm a bad listener.

Obviously! Malory told you not to let that stupid car get stolen!

Thank you, world's loudest voice!

[whispers] Now shut up, because, for reasons that don't bear going into,

I have to get it back before Mother finds out.

Ugh, okay, I'll help you.

To do-- Wait, what am I helping you do?

Infiltrate whatever criminal outfit steals the hottest cars in the city.

[Pam] That would be the Yakuza…

-[Archer] Wh-- -[toilet flushing]

And man, against those pinkieless bastards,

you had better come correct.

And you know this how exactly?

[tires screeching]

[in Japanese] I'm sorry.

[in English] Homies.

[laughs] Hang on, you race drift cars?

-[Cheryl] Crappily. -Oh, for--

-[toilet flushing] -Is anybody not in here?

I'm not crappy, I just started.

Shut up, when's the next race and we're gonna pose as your pit crew.

I-- It's tonight, and I don't know,

if the Yakuza finds out you're snoopin' around about a hot set of wheels…

-Oh, don't worry about me, I'm-- -Uh, not going on another stupid rampage.

-Well, maybe a limited rampage. -No.

Modified limited rampage.

-Archer. -Don't worry about my methods.

The important thing is that nobody tells--

-[door opens] -Mother!

Tell me what.

-What? -What.

What're we doing? I shouldn't be in here,

and neither should you, Pam!

Why aren't you out in your new car?

Because Woodhouse is detailing it,

because that's the high level of care that I'm taking of it.

You better be.

-[door closes] -Wow, dodged a bullet there, huh?

Figuratively. And you better hope we don't have to dodge any literally.

[chuckles] Well, obviously I hope that.

-[engines revving] -[tires screeching]

[Lana] I am not super-confident about this…

Join the club. And I don't even know why I'm here.

Join that club. Then shut up and act like you know what you're doing.

[sighs] I don't know anything about cars.

I meant as an agent, zing.

Okay, Pam, who's the big cheesy-san around here?

That would be Mr. Moto, he's--

[whispers] Crapjacks, he's coming over here.

So, Shiro Kabocha, you are back.

Hai, Moto-san. And again, just really sorry about your nephew.

He knew the risk. But I do not know these people.

Sorry, hi, I'm Randy, crew leader, and--

Why does this underling speak to me?

-Underling?! -Ar-- Randy, don't--

Listen here, Moto! I--

[in Japanese] He must be punished.

[Yakuza exclaiming]

-[blows landing] -Uh…

[in English] Right in the head and ass.

[Archer groans, coughs]

Let that be a lesson to you. Yakuza.

[footsteps receding]

Aw, man, I just totally lost face.

[laughs mockingly] Join that club.

So, uh, you rethinking that rampage?

I am, actually.

-Ew. -Gross.

-Then can we please get out of here? -[Archer] Absolutely…

Right after I get my car.

-Archer. -Jeezy Petes.

-No wonder it was runnin' rough… -Archer, don't--

Now, which one of you pussies has it?

So, just a heads up, I'm starting the rampage now.

No kidding.

Mmm… nope.

[Lana] I am so angry at you right now…

You? Look at them. They're furious.

One question before you die…

-Shoot. -Figuratively.

[upbeat ringtone playing]

My question is this…

[Malory] What are you doing?

What? Nothing.

-[line ringing] -Uh-huh. Have you seen Sterling?

What, like, ever?

Tonight, now.

He's supposed to meet me at 21 for his stupid birthday dinner,

-but he's not answering his-- -[Archer over cell] Hello? Mother?

Hi, listen, I can't really talk right now, can I call you back?

Or are you pouting for some-- Oh, crap, are you already at 21?

Sorry, I'm running late, so go ahead and order me four martinis, and--

Sterling Malory Archer, you inconsiderate little--

Boom! Birthday voicemail, Mother!

[laughs] I got you.

But seriously, I bet I will be late,

so go ahead pull the trigger on those martinis.

Argh!

What kind of ass would be late for his own birthday dinner?

Um, the kind who'd infiltrate the Yakuza?

-What? -Nothing. What, nothing.

-Carol. -Nope.

-Answer me. -No, I've said too much alread--

[yells, gasps] Jeez, ow!

-[softly] You got another one in ya? -Answer me!

And that, guys, I guess, is a pretty long answer to why

I'd go on a suicide mission to get back my birthday car.

Because of a stupid bicycle?

What part of "5-speed Schwinn Stingray" are you not getting?

Are you… And I'm being serious here, are you insane?

Mmm, maybe some mild post-traumatic stress disorder, but--

But he drinks a lot, so…

So, yeah, I think I've got a pretty good handle on it.

[laughs smugly]

We don't even have your damn car.

We steal drift cars.

Imports only.

Right-hand drive, duh.

[laughs] Okay, and why would I believe you?

[laughs smugly] Why would I lie?

Either way we're going to kill you.

Oh. Oh. Right.

And if they don't, I'm going to.

Wh-- How is this my fault?

[Malory] This is all my fault.

I should've never gotten him that car.

-[tires screech] -It's that damn bicycle all over again.

-[horns honking] -And who taught you how to drive?

This guy I know, named my dead father.

Oh, I, er…

Yeah. Bet you feel like a dick.

-[tires screeching] -[horn blaring]

No, because look, if this whole thing is anybody's fault, it's--

-Pam! What're you doing? -What nothing.

-[engine revving] -[tires screech]

-[Archer] Aw, sh-- -[Pam] Damn it…

Fire!

Where are you going?

How should I know?

Can't see shit, my car's shot to shit,

-and I only had three shitty payments-- -[Archer] Left!

-[Pam] What? -Go left, dumbass!

-[yells] -[tires screeching]

[in Japanese] Hurry.

[in English] To the cars.

-[engines starting] -[tires screeching]

Move the damn hood!

-Okay, hang on… -[gunfire]

-Jesus! -Real safe.

[Archer] How's that?

[yells]

Pam, if you do that again…

What're ya gonna do, shoot my car?

-Lana's doing it, too. -No, she's--

-God damn it! -Sorry!

Are you?

Cyril, here, make yourself useful!

-I-- No, ya know what? No. -What?

No. The way I see it, we're the bad guys here.

[bullets ricochet]

-[tires screeching] -[Archer] They're the Yakuza!

-Who were minding their own business-- -Of white slavery…

Don't qualify it.

-…and stealing cars. -Not yours.

Well, maybe not--

But you come in here, guns blazing, half-cocked and probably half-drunk--

It's my birthday.

Well, happy freakin' birthday!

[Archer] Thank you. Finally somebody acknowledges my birthday!

Shut up, because now we're gonna die.

-Not if Shiro Kabocha can help it… -[tires screeching]

-[all] Whoa! -[Archer] Oh, God!

Whoa! Wow. Pam, you're actually pretty bad-ass at this.

Duh. Why d'ya think they call me Shiro Kabocha?

Yeah, what does that mean, anyway?

-The white shadow… -[Mr. Moto laughing smugly]

-No, it doesn't. -[gun cocking]

-It means white pumpkin. -[Yakuza snickering]

-Wh-- -Aw, honey…

Oh, yeah? Well, I gotcher pumpkin hangin'.

-Ew. Whoa! -[tires screeching]

[tires screech]

Ya used-panty-vending sonsabitches!

Shiro Kabocha, this is not over!

Yeah, we'll see about that. Gun, gimme.

-No, honey, let's just-- -Shut up.

-Gimme the gun. -No.

-Give it! -No! You're agitated.

No shit I'm agitated, look at my car!

At least you have one!

And thanks to you we wasted all night dicking around with the Yakuza,

and I still don't know who stole my frickin'--

-[tires screech] -Mother!

Sterling Malory Archer!

I, uh, what are you doing here, did you not hear my outgoing voicemail?

Did you not hear me tell you not to let your brand-new car get stolen?

Thanks a lot, blabbermouth!

She beat it out of me. [purrs]

Oh, stop it.

But no, you didn't listen to me. And then you lied to me.

And then you almost got everyone killed, and--

[Mr. Moto] Almost nothing.

I'll kill you all right now!

-Do you mind? I'm trying to parent! -[bullets ricochet]

-[Mr. Moto yells] -[water splashing]

That was for Pearl Harbor!

Now where was I?

Oh, yes, and all because you're irresponsible.

No, I'm-- Well, not with the car…

Are you-- Sterling, you left it unlocked in an unattended garage.

I don't, um…

-She took it. -What?

Well, not me personally, I--

-Why would you do that? -To teach you a lesson!

-About what? -Life!

Just like with that damn bicycle when you were eight years old.

I don't, um…

[all] She took it.

Wh-- You stole my bike?

I came home from work, and it was just lying on the sidewalk,

and I thought, "Oh, well, this will teach him."

Stingray 5-speed…

But so, did you talk to him about responsibility when you gave it back?

-Gave it back? -Wow.

-[Cheryl laughs] -Well, what kind of lesson would that be?

[mumbling] Banana saddle… sissy bar…

-Oh, my God, so, what about his car? -[Archer] Jeanie…

Mmm. I'm afraid it already has a new owner…

[engine revving]

[Mr. Ford chuckles] Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Thanks, Dodge or whoever.

-Yes, my ass is everywhere. -[horns honks]

What are you lookin' at, sucker?

[theme music playing]