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1
00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:10,593
-[classical music playing over radio]
-[snoring]
2
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,345
[dishes rattling]
3
00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:14,639
-[Archer mumbling]
-[liquid sloshing]
4
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:18,518
[sniffs] Woodhouse,
you you sneaky old fiend…
5
00:00:18,601 --> 00:00:21,354
-Happy birthday, sir.
-Thanks, Woodhouse.
6
00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:23,690
This is amazing, seriously,
you outdid yourself.
7
00:00:23,773 --> 00:00:25,442
That's not all, sir.
8
00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:26,860
[horn tooting]
9
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,530
[Woodhouse] I, uh, sorry about that, sir.
10
00:00:30,613 --> 00:00:32,323
It's okay, I'll just wait here
while you go
11
00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:34,868
make me a whole new birthday
breakfast not covered in garbage.
12
00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:36,786
It's not garbage sir, it's--
13
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:41,291
Scraps of paper, Woodhouse,
which by any definition, yes, is garbage.
14
00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:46,129
Afraid I don't have the ingredients
to recreate this exact breakfast, sir.
15
00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:48,923
[sighs] Okay, then, uh,
make Nutella waffles.
16
00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:52,469
-Mmm…
-Damn it. Nutella steak-and-eggs?
17
00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:54,345
Today's my shopping day.
18
00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:57,307
Why do you even bother… living?
19
00:00:58,224 --> 00:01:01,728
No time to talk, Popeye. It's my birthday.
20
00:01:01,811 --> 00:01:03,813
Were you gonna say "happy birthday"?
Don't bother.
21
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:05,023
Happy birthday to me.
22
00:01:06,357 --> 00:01:08,610
-Mmm-hmm.
-[elevator door closes]
23
00:01:08,943 --> 00:01:10,695
[sighs] I wonder
what the guys in the office
24
00:01:10,779 --> 00:01:12,655
have planned for my birthday.
25
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:15,784
Wonder if Fudgie the Whale
will be there or Cookie Puss.
26
00:01:15,867 --> 00:01:17,202
[chuckles]
27
00:01:17,285 --> 00:01:18,411
Cookie Puss.
28
00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:20,538
Those guys at Carvel
know what they're doing.
29
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:25,710
Paging Dr. Boy! Dr. Birthday Boy!
30
00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:32,801
[clears throat]
31
00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:40,642
So, what're you ladies up to?
32
00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:44,187
-Cleaning out the stupid file room.
-Oh, yeah? Any particular reason?
33
00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:46,189
Uh, it's full of shit?
34
00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:48,149
[Lana] Speaking of, is that Archer?
35
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:51,861
Yes, but I have to warn you,
I don't like…
36
00:01:52,362 --> 00:01:53,530
surprises?
37
00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:56,658
-Or doing your share of work, apparently.
-Who likes that?
38
00:01:56,741 --> 00:02:00,328
You'd better start, because a lot
of this junk is yours. Now get to work.
39
00:02:00,411 --> 00:02:02,330
Are you serious? On my… My…
40
00:02:02,413 --> 00:02:04,707
-Your what?
-[huffs] My never mind.
41
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:07,627
Because here's nothing special
about today whatsoever, Mother.
42
00:02:07,710 --> 00:02:09,838
Oh, I wouldn't say that…
43
00:02:09,921 --> 00:02:11,422
I-- Wait, really?
44
00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:14,300
-[fire alarm blaring]
-Yes, it's the quarterly fire drill.
45
00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:16,553
Let's go, people! Get the lead out!
46
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:21,015
-Ferris Bueller, you're my hero…
-Shut up.
47
00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:23,685
Hang on, does nobody seriously
know what today is?
48
00:02:23,768 --> 00:02:25,395
-Tuesday?
-The Rapture?
49
00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:27,438
Come on, people. Look alive.
50
00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:29,816
I never remember it taking so long.
51
00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:32,694
Well, maybe that's because you never
remember anything, so--
52
00:02:32,777 --> 00:02:34,237
Oh, my God.
53
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,864
[all] Surprise!
54
00:02:37,615 --> 00:02:40,326
I-- Is that--What-- Mother?
55
00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,328
Happy birthday, dear.
56
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:43,913
I… [sniffles]
57
00:02:44,914 --> 00:02:46,541
-[body thuds]
-[Ray] Ow.
58
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:48,668
I think.
59
00:02:48,751 --> 00:02:50,753
[theme music playing]
60
00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:27,415
[Archer] Oh, I can feel it.
61
00:03:27,498 --> 00:03:29,208
[sultry music plays]
62
00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:31,377
I can feel your power.
63
00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:35,924
What's that? You want me inside you?
64
00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:37,050
[Malory] Sterling.
65
00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:39,344
-[gasps] You know my name?
-[Malory] Sterling!
66
00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:41,721
Hmm? Oh, uh, sorry. [chuckles]
67
00:03:41,804 --> 00:03:44,098
I believe a "thank you" is in order.
68
00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:46,809
Mother, oh, my God, yes, thank you.
69
00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:50,730
And not just… Well, mostly me,
of course, but Dr. Krieger helped, too.
70
00:03:50,813 --> 00:03:53,066
Well, only if by "helped" you mean…
71
00:03:53,149 --> 00:03:54,651
-[engine starts]
-[Cheryl exclaims]
72
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:58,947
…oversaw the design the world's
most insanely kickass spy car.
73
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:00,990
-It's a spy car?
-Lana?
74
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,784
-Wh-- Lana, no!
-[all scream]
75
00:04:02,867 --> 00:04:04,410
[bullets ricochet]
76
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:05,912
-[glass breaking]
-[Brett grunts]
77
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,581
Holy shit!
78
00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:10,667
[weakly] Yeah, I'm like a magnet. [coughs]
79
00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:13,002
Brett, shut up. What else does it do?
80
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,712
-Press that red button?
-I--
81
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:16,881
Wait, is it gonna kill everybody?
82
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:18,591
Press that blue button?
83
00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:20,426
[automated voice] Welcome, Mr. Archer…
84
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:22,011
It does know my name!
85
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:25,723
To the Dodge Challenger Special
Agent Edition, brought to you by Dodge.
86
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:28,643
-[Archer] Thanks, Dodge!
-Featuring a 440 V8 engine,
87
00:04:28,726 --> 00:04:33,231
6-speed manual transmission,
and a top speed of 185.
88
00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:35,942
Heavy-duty suspension. Runflat tires.
89
00:04:36,025 --> 00:04:38,278
Bulletproof body panels and windows.
90
00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:41,781
Twin 30-cal machine guns
mounted in the front…
91
00:04:41,864 --> 00:04:44,617
antipursuit countermeasures in the rear.
92
00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:48,329
It makes the Mach 5 look like a vagina.
93
00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:50,999
[model] The interior boasts mil-spec GPS,
94
00:04:51,082 --> 00:04:55,336
satellite communications,
hi-fi stereo, rich Corinthian leather…
95
00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:57,297
[Archer] Corinth is famous
for its leather!
96
00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:58,756
And of course…
97
00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:01,301
[Archer exclaims]
98
00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:03,636
[lawyer] To be stocked
with non-alcoholic beverages only.
99
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:06,222
Dodge cannot stress this enough.
Never ever drink and drive.
100
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,849
Now, Sterling, listen to me.
101
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,727
It's like seeing the face of God…
102
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:11,728
-Sterling.
-What?
103
00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:15,732
This car cost me a lot of money,
so you have to take proper care of it.
104
00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:17,442
-[Archer] I will.
-And if you crash it--
105
00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:20,862
-I won't.
-Or God forbid, if you get it stolen--
106
00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:21,779
I won't.
107
00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,948
You won't ever get another one.
108
00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:27,618
Mother I promise, I'll take the best care
of it of anything ever.
109
00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:28,828
You'd better.
110
00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:30,705
Well, c'mon. Give your mom a hug.
111
00:05:30,788 --> 00:05:33,416
-Oh, no, I don't think that's really--
-Possible.
112
00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:35,084
-Wha--
-Um, at all.
113
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,169
-Why not?
-Um…
114
00:05:36,252 --> 00:05:38,504
-Oh, God, he's got an erection.
-[all exclaim in disgust]
115
00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:40,131
-[Krieger] Me too.
-[Cyril] Disgusting.
116
00:05:40,214 --> 00:05:42,633
Sorry, it's this Corinthian leather.
117
00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:44,552
In my new Dodge Challenger!
118
00:05:44,635 --> 00:05:46,137
-[tires screech]
-[glass breaking]
119
00:05:47,930 --> 00:05:50,808
[Archer clears throat]
I forgot to close the bar.
120
00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:52,185
[glass shards clattering]
121
00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:59,567
-[Archer] In my new Dodge Challenger!
-[tires screech]
122
00:05:59,650 --> 00:06:02,653
Wow, so how much did Dodge kick in?
123
00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,405
Not as much as you'd think.
124
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:11,037
So, I hope this doesn't sound weird,
but I, uh, kinda wanna have sex with you.
125
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:12,288
Is that all right?
126
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:15,500
-Ugh! Seriously Dodge? Apple juice?
-[glass breaking]
127
00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:18,169
Not you the car, obviously,
128
00:06:18,252 --> 00:06:22,298
but the blonde genie-woman
who lives inside you that talks.
129
00:06:22,381 --> 00:06:23,633
So, what do I call you?
130
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:27,136
Hello? Jeanie, it's me, master.
131
00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:30,556
I-- Wait a minute, was that just a lame
prerecorded video?
132
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,767
-Or are you pouting for some reason?
-[digital beeps]
133
00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:33,893
[sirens blaring]
134
00:06:33,976 --> 00:06:35,228
[Archer] Fine, then pout.
135
00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:41,150
But that totally wasn't my fault…
136
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:45,404
You shouldn't even be able to put the car
in gear with the bar open.
137
00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:47,240
Besides the danger of drunk driving…
138
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:49,992
It's obviously a huge design flaw.
139
00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:52,787
Which is why now you're all sticky!
140
00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:55,498
Which, I'm sorry for that.
141
00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:59,627
Once we get you parked I'll clean you up
and wipe you down with a fine chammy.
142
00:07:00,336 --> 00:07:02,171
And also quit talking to you,
143
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:05,341
because now I'm pretty sure
that was just a recording.
144
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:07,969
I mean, it was, right?
145
00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:12,098
Whatever, either way, I'm done talking.
146
00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:14,517
Oh, come on, it's full?
147
00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:17,728
Damn it, guess I'll have
to park on the street.
148
00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:22,191
[Malory] If you get it stolen,
you won't ever get another one.
149
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:25,278
-[tires screech]
-I heard you, Mother. Somehow…
150
00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:28,573
[vocalizing]
151
00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:30,241
Ooh.
152
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:35,204
-Hiya, neighbor.
-[tires screeching]
153
00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:44,755
The grappling hook
detaches from my end?
154
00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:46,674
Way to think it through, Dodge.
155
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:50,136
So, clean all the broken glass
and the sticky apple juice,
156
00:07:50,219 --> 00:07:52,680
then I need all new glassware,
some real liquor…
157
00:07:52,763 --> 00:07:53,806
Uh… Oh!
158
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,892
There's a grappling hook
in the street, get that,
159
00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:57,727
and then find out where
to buy caltrops.
160
00:07:57,810 --> 00:07:58,936
Caltrops?
161
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,229
Yeah, caltrops.
162
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,858
Try, maybe "area denial weapons.com."
163
00:08:03,941 --> 00:08:05,234
Very good, sir
164
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,945
[phone rings]
165
00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:10,615
Oh, did you decide to start talking to me?
166
00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:13,117
Nothing, Woodhouse, what do you want?
167
00:08:13,784 --> 00:08:17,747
Ugh, it's black? Powerful? Sexy?
168
00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:20,124
Like if Ron O'Neal was a car?
169
00:08:20,541 --> 00:08:21,626
-What?
-[glass breaking]
170
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:23,628
No…
171
00:08:23,961 --> 00:08:25,630
No, no, no…
172
00:08:26,464 --> 00:08:28,007
No!
173
00:08:34,472 --> 00:08:36,974
No, no, no, no, no…
174
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:38,518
Sir? What are you--
175
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:42,730
[sobs] I thought, maybe she had some
sort of, cloak, cloaking device.
176
00:08:42,813 --> 00:08:45,024
No, then I'd be standing in it.
177
00:08:45,107 --> 00:08:48,152
-You. What'd you do with Jeanie?
-Steady on, sir.
178
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:51,405
I swear to God I'll scoop out whatever
organs you have left and…
179
00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:52,740
Argh! [screams]
180
00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:56,244
Sorry sir, you were going all Bilboey.
181
00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:59,121
[groans softly] I'm sorry. Woodhouse.
182
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:00,414
Can I see that can for a sec?
183
00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:01,499
-No, sir.
-[can clatters]
184
00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:03,751
Woodhouse, I just wanted
to read the warning label
185
00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:05,711
about in case of eye contact.
186
00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:08,673
You did not, you were going
to spray me in the eyes.
187
00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:10,841
[chuckles] I totally was.
188
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,636
Oh, my God, okay, I gotta think…
189
00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:16,305
-Would you stop?
-They look pretty bad, sir.
190
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,307
Really? [sarcastically]
Because they feel great.
191
00:09:19,016 --> 00:09:21,185
Okay, so obviously Jeanie was stolen.
192
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:24,188
-And who steals cars, Woodhouse?
-Jippos.
193
00:09:25,439 --> 00:09:26,566
Car thieves.
194
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:30,736
And this was obviously a ring
of very high-end car thieves.
195
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:33,906
So, now I have to go undercover
in the high-end car-thief
196
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:36,492
whatever, underworld,
and steal Jeanie back.
197
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,202
Sounds dangerous, sir.
198
00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:42,498
Not nearly as dangerous as Mother
finding out I lost my birthday present.
199
00:09:42,873 --> 00:09:44,792
-[young Archer sobbing]
-[door creaks]
200
00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:47,128
-[young Malory] Sterling.
-Yes, Mother?
201
00:09:47,211 --> 00:09:48,921
Where is your new bicycle?
202
00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,923
[crying] No!
203
00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,967
That's what I thought…
204
00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:55,553
-And you let her do it.
-I--
205
00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:57,680
I'm kidding,
you couldn't have stopped her,
206
00:09:57,763 --> 00:09:59,807
she would've snapped your spine.
207
00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:02,226
I mean, you're just… tiny.
208
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:05,271
Lana. Whaddya know, whaddya say?
209
00:10:05,354 --> 00:10:10,318
I know you're about to ask
me for a favor, and I say, wait for it…
210
00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:12,194
-[Archer] I--
-[Lana] Wait.
211
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:13,154
[cap clatters]
212
00:10:13,237 --> 00:10:14,947
-Was that even a twist-off?
-No.
213
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,866
-Yikes.
-Is my answer to your favor.
214
00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:19,994
I don't care what it is.
The answer is no.
215
00:10:20,077 --> 00:10:22,079
[sighs] Somebody stole my birthday car.
216
00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:24,081
Okay, I'm gonna drink some of this,
217
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:26,917
and then I'm gonna do
a huge spit take on you.
218
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:30,212
-What the shit, Lana?
-[chuckles] I told you I was gonna do it.
219
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:32,715
Right, sorry, guess I'm a bad listener.
220
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:36,802
Obviously! Malory told you
not to let that stupid car get stolen!
221
00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:38,846
Thank you, world's loudest voice!
222
00:10:38,929 --> 00:10:41,807
[whispers] Now shut up, because,
for reasons that don't bear going into,
223
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:43,768
I have to get it back before
Mother finds out.
224
00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:45,645
Ugh, okay, I'll help you.
225
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:48,189
To do-- Wait, what am I helping you do?
226
00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:51,692
Infiltrate whatever criminal outfit
steals the hottest cars in the city.
227
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:53,653
[Pam] That would be the Yakuza…
228
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,404
-[Archer] Wh--
-[toilet flushing]
229
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:58,240
And man,
against those pinkieless bastards,
230
00:10:58,324 --> 00:10:59,825
you had better come correct.
231
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:02,828
And you know this how exactly?
232
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:04,538
[tires screeching]
233
00:11:06,540 --> 00:11:08,125
[in Japanese] I'm sorry.
234
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:09,835
[in English] Homies.
235
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:13,589
[laughs] Hang on, you race drift cars?
236
00:11:13,672 --> 00:11:14,882
-[Cheryl] Crappily.
-Oh, for--
237
00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:16,967
-[toilet flushing]
-Is anybody not in here?
238
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:19,053
I'm not crappy, I just started.
239
00:11:19,136 --> 00:11:22,598
Shut up, when's the next race
and we're gonna pose as your pit crew.
240
00:11:22,681 --> 00:11:25,851
I-- It's tonight, and I don't know,
241
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:29,397
if the Yakuza finds out you're snoopin'
around about a hot set of wheels…
242
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:33,859
-Oh, don't worry about me, I'm--
-Uh, not going on another stupid rampage.
243
00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:36,487
-Well, maybe a limited rampage.
-No.
244
00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:38,364
Modified limited rampage.
245
00:11:38,447 --> 00:11:40,241
-Archer.
-Don't worry about my methods.
246
00:11:40,324 --> 00:11:42,034
The important thing is that nobody tells--
247
00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:43,828
-[door opens]
-Mother!
248
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,621
Tell me what.
249
00:11:45,704 --> 00:11:47,456
-What?
-What.
250
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:50,084
What're we doing?
I shouldn't be in here,
251
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:51,710
and neither should you, Pam!
252
00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:53,379
Why aren't you out in your new car?
253
00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:55,714
Because Woodhouse is detailing it,
254
00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:59,885
because that's the high level of care
that I'm taking of it.
255
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:02,012
You better be.
256
00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:05,850
-[door closes]
-Wow, dodged a bullet there, huh?
257
00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:09,103
Figuratively. And you better hope
we don't have to dodge any literally.
258
00:12:09,186 --> 00:12:12,064
[chuckles] Well, obviously I hope that.
259
00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:14,525
-[engines revving]
-[tires screeching]
260
00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:20,114
[Lana] I am not super-confident
about this…
261
00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:22,700
Join the club.
And I don't even know why I'm here.
262
00:12:22,783 --> 00:12:25,911
Join that club. Then shut up
and act like you know what you're doing.
263
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:28,038
[sighs] I don't know anything about cars.
264
00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:30,249
I meant as an agent, zing.
265
00:12:30,332 --> 00:12:33,127
Okay, Pam, who's the big
cheesy-san around here?
266
00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:35,588
That would be Mr. Moto, he's--
267
00:12:35,671 --> 00:12:37,798
[whispers] Crapjacks,
he's coming over here.
268
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:41,343
So, Shiro Kabocha, you are back.
269
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:45,890
Hai, Moto-san. And again,
just really sorry about your nephew.
270
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:49,435
He knew the risk.
But I do not know these people.
271
00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:52,438
Sorry, hi, I'm Randy, crew leader, and--
272
00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:55,191
Why does this underling speak to me?
273
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:57,776
-Underling?!
-Ar-- Randy, don't--
274
00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,111
Listen here, Moto! I--
275
00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:00,738
[in Japanese] He must be punished.
276
00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:02,406
[Yakuza exclaiming]
277
00:13:03,741 --> 00:13:04,950
-[blows landing]
-Uh…
278
00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:06,744
[in English] Right in the head and ass.
279
00:13:07,786 --> 00:13:09,038
[Archer groans, coughs]
280
00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:11,540
Let that be a lesson to you. Yakuza.
281
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,083
[footsteps receding]
282
00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:15,252
Aw, man, I just totally lost face.
283
00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:17,254
[laughs mockingly] Join that club.
284
00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:20,090
So, uh, you rethinking that rampage?
285
00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:21,425
I am, actually.
286
00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:22,843
-Ew.
-Gross.
287
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:25,471
-Then can we please get out of here?
-[Archer] Absolutely…
288
00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:27,515
Right after I get my car.
289
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:28,599
-Archer.
-Jeezy Petes.
290
00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:31,310
-No wonder it was runnin' rough…
-Archer, don't--
291
00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:34,647
Now, which one of you pussies has it?
292
00:13:36,106 --> 00:13:38,359
So, just a heads up,
I'm starting the rampage now.
293
00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:39,902
No kidding.
294
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:42,196
Mmm… nope.
295
00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:48,452
[Lana] I am so angry at you right now…
296
00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:51,080
You? Look at them.
They're furious.
297
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:53,582
One question before you die…
298
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:54,833
-Shoot.
-Figuratively.
299
00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:56,752
[upbeat ringtone playing]
300
00:13:56,835 --> 00:13:58,629
My question is this…
301
00:13:58,712 --> 00:14:00,130
[Malory] What are you doing?
302
00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:01,257
What? Nothing.
303
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:03,759
-[line ringing]
-Uh-huh. Have you seen Sterling?
304
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:05,469
What, like, ever?
305
00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:06,804
Tonight, now.
306
00:14:06,887 --> 00:14:09,974
He's supposed to meet me at 21
for his stupid birthday dinner,
307
00:14:10,057 --> 00:14:13,227
-but he's not answering his--
-[Archer over cell] Hello? Mother?
308
00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:16,522
Hi, listen, I can't really talk right now,
can I call you back?
309
00:14:17,189 --> 00:14:21,235
Or are you pouting for some--
Oh, crap, are you already at 21?
310
00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:24,947
Sorry, I'm running late, so go ahead
and order me four martinis, and--
311
00:14:25,030 --> 00:14:28,075
Sterling Malory Archer,
you inconsiderate little--
312
00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:30,578
Boom! Birthday voicemail, Mother!
313
00:14:30,661 --> 00:14:32,371
[laughs] I got you.
314
00:14:32,454 --> 00:14:34,415
But seriously, I bet I will be late,
315
00:14:34,498 --> 00:14:36,584
so go ahead pull the trigger
on those martinis.
316
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,252
Argh!
317
00:14:38,335 --> 00:14:41,213
What kind of ass would be late
for his own birthday dinner?
318
00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:43,966
Um, the kind who'd infiltrate the Yakuza?
319
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,677
-What?
-Nothing. What, nothing.
320
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,262
-Carol.
-Nope.
321
00:14:48,345 --> 00:14:50,681
-Answer me.
-No, I've said too much alread--
322
00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:54,435
[yells, gasps] Jeez, ow!
323
00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:57,771
-[softly] You got another one in ya?
-Answer me!
324
00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:01,108
And that, guys, I guess,
is a pretty long answer to why
325
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:04,403
I'd go on a suicide mission
to get back my birthday car.
326
00:15:04,486 --> 00:15:06,530
Because of a stupid bicycle?
327
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:10,159
What part of "5-speed Schwinn Stingray"
are you not getting?
328
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:14,788
Are you… And I'm being serious here,
are you insane?
329
00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:17,791
Mmm, maybe some mild
post-traumatic stress disorder, but--
330
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:19,126
But he drinks a lot, so…
331
00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:21,462
So, yeah, I think I've got
a pretty good handle on it.
332
00:15:21,545 --> 00:15:22,922
[laughs smugly]
333
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:26,550
We don't even have your damn car.
334
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,177
We steal drift cars.
335
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:29,845
Imports only.
336
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,388
Right-hand drive, duh.
337
00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:34,892
[laughs] Okay,
and why would I believe you?
338
00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:38,437
[laughs smugly] Why would I lie?
339
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,773
Either way we're going to kill you.
340
00:15:40,856 --> 00:15:42,858
Oh. Oh. Right.
341
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,526
And if they don't, I'm going to.
342
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:46,487
Wh-- How is this my fault?
343
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:48,280
[Malory] This is all my fault.
344
00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:49,949
I should've never gotten him that car.
345
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:52,409
-[tires screech]
-It's that damn bicycle all over again.
346
00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:54,578
-[horns honking]
-And who taught you how to drive?
347
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:57,081
This guy I know, named my dead father.
348
00:15:57,498 --> 00:15:59,083
Oh, I, er…
349
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:00,834
Yeah. Bet you feel like a dick.
350
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,503
-[tires screeching]
-[horn blaring]
351
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:07,299
No, because look, if this whole thing
is anybody's fault, it's--
352
00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,385
-Pam! What're you doing?
-What nothing.
353
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:10,844
-[engine revving]
-[tires screech]
354
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:13,305
-[Archer] Aw, sh--
-[Pam] Damn it…
355
00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:15,891
Fire!
356
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:21,897
Where are you going?
357
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,399
How should I know?
358
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:26,276
Can't see shit, my car's shot to shit,
359
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,822
-and I only had three shitty payments--
-[Archer] Left!
360
00:16:29,905 --> 00:16:32,116
-[Pam] What?
-Go left, dumbass!
361
00:16:32,199 --> 00:16:33,867
-[yells]
-[tires screeching]
362
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:34,785
[in Japanese] Hurry.
363
00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:35,953
[in English] To the cars.
364
00:16:36,036 --> 00:16:37,997
-[engines starting]
-[tires screeching]
365
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,749
Move the damn hood!
366
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:43,002
-Okay, hang on…
-[gunfire]
367
00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:45,087
-Jesus!
-Real safe.
368
00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:46,213
[Archer] How's that?
369
00:16:46,296 --> 00:16:47,548
[yells]
370
00:16:47,631 --> 00:16:49,133
Pam, if you do that again…
371
00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:50,926
What're ya gonna do, shoot my car?
372
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,053
-Lana's doing it, too.
-No, she's--
373
00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:56,348
-God damn it!
-Sorry!
374
00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:57,433
Are you?
375
00:16:57,516 --> 00:16:59,101
Cyril, here, make yourself useful!
376
00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:01,812
-I-- No, ya know what? No.
-What?
377
00:17:01,895 --> 00:17:04,732
No. The way I see it,
we're the bad guys here.
378
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:06,442
[bullets ricochet]
379
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:09,236
-[tires screeching]
-[Archer] They're the Yakuza!
380
00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:11,989
-Who were minding their own business--
-Of white slavery…
381
00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:13,323
Don't qualify it.
382
00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:15,492
-…and stealing cars.
-Not yours.
383
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:16,452
Well, maybe not--
384
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:20,581
But you come in here, guns blazing,
half-cocked and probably half-drunk--
385
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,541
It's my birthday.
386
00:17:22,624 --> 00:17:24,793
Well, happy freakin' birthday!
387
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:28,213
[Archer] Thank you.
Finally somebody acknowledges my birthday!
388
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:30,049
Shut up, because now we're gonna die.
389
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:32,843
-Not if Shiro Kabocha can help it…
-[tires screeching]
390
00:17:32,926 --> 00:17:34,511
-[all] Whoa!
-[Archer] Oh, God!
391
00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:44,438
Whoa! Wow. Pam, you're actually
pretty bad-ass at this.
392
00:17:44,521 --> 00:17:47,232
Duh. Why d'ya think
they call me Shiro Kabocha?
393
00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:49,026
Yeah, what does that mean, anyway?
394
00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:51,820
-The white shadow…
-[Mr. Moto laughing smugly]
395
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,656
-No, it doesn't.
-[gun cocking]
396
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:56,992
-It means white pumpkin.
-[Yakuza snickering]
397
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,368
-Wh--
-Aw, honey…
398
00:17:58,452 --> 00:18:00,704
Oh, yeah? Well, I gotcher pumpkin hangin'.
399
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:03,082
-Ew. Whoa!
-[tires screeching]
400
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,003
[tires screech]
401
00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:10,964
Ya used-panty-vending sonsabitches!
402
00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:13,634
Shiro Kabocha, this is not over!
403
00:18:13,717 --> 00:18:16,053
Yeah, we'll see about that. Gun, gimme.
404
00:18:16,136 --> 00:18:17,638
-No, honey, let's just--
-Shut up.
405
00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:18,931
-Gimme the gun.
-No.
406
00:18:19,014 --> 00:18:21,141
-Give it!
-No! You're agitated.
407
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:24,561
No shit I'm agitated, look at my car!
408
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:25,938
At least you have one!
409
00:18:26,021 --> 00:18:29,274
And thanks to you we wasted
all night dicking around with the Yakuza,
410
00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:31,276
and I still don't know
who stole my frickin'--
411
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,903
-[tires screech]
-Mother!
412
00:18:32,986 --> 00:18:34,863
Sterling Malory Archer!
413
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:38,325
I, uh, what are you doing here,
did you not hear my outgoing voicemail?
414
00:18:38,408 --> 00:18:42,579
Did you not hear me tell you not to let
your brand-new car get stolen?
415
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:44,123
Thanks a lot, blabbermouth!
416
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:46,917
She beat it out of me. [purrs]
417
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,001
Oh, stop it.
418
00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:51,630
But no, you didn't listen to me.
And then you lied to me.
419
00:18:51,713 --> 00:18:54,007
And then you almost
got everyone killed, and--
420
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:55,926
[Mr. Moto] Almost nothing.
421
00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:58,804
I'll kill you all right now!
422
00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:01,932
-Do you mind? I'm trying to parent!
-[bullets ricochet]
423
00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:04,476
-[Mr. Moto yells]
-[water splashing]
424
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,061
That was for Pearl Harbor!
425
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:07,104
Now where was I?
426
00:19:07,187 --> 00:19:09,356
Oh, yes, and all because
you're irresponsible.
427
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:12,025
No, I'm-- Well, not with the car…
428
00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:16,613
Are you-- Sterling, you left it unlocked
in an unattended garage.
429
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,074
I don't, um…
430
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,284
-She took it.
-What?
431
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:21,994
Well, not me personally, I--
432
00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:24,872
-Why would you do that?
-To teach you a lesson!
433
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:26,790
-About what?
-Life!
434
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:30,043
Just like with that damn bicycle
when you were eight years old.
435
00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:31,795
I don't, um…
436
00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:33,505
[all] She took it.
437
00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:35,299
Wh-- You stole my bike?
438
00:19:35,382 --> 00:19:38,218
I came home from work,
and it was just lying on the sidewalk,
439
00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:40,512
and I thought,
"Oh, well, this will teach him."
440
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:44,016
Stingray 5-speed…
441
00:19:44,808 --> 00:19:49,188
But so, did you talk to him about
responsibility when you gave it back?
442
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,315
-Gave it back?
-Wow.
443
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:54,401
-[Cheryl laughs]
-Well, what kind of lesson would that be?
444
00:19:54,484 --> 00:19:56,695
[mumbling] Banana saddle… sissy bar…
445
00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:59,740
-Oh, my God, so, what about his car?
-[Archer] Jeanie…
446
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:03,118
Mmm. I'm afraid it already
has a new owner…
447
00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:04,995
[engine revving]
448
00:20:05,078 --> 00:20:07,414
[Mr. Ford chuckles] Yeah,
that's what I'm talking about.
449
00:20:07,497 --> 00:20:08,832
Thanks, Dodge or whoever.
450
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:13,420
-Yes, my ass is everywhere.
-[horns honks]
451
00:20:13,503 --> 00:20:15,047
What are you lookin' at, sucker?
452
00:20:15,839 --> 00:20:17,841
[theme music playing]
34479
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