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1
00:00:08,633 --> 00:00:11,553
[Bilko] Let me go!
You have no jurisdiction over me!
2
00:00:11,636 --> 00:00:12,762
I'm a Canadian citizen!
3
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:14,556
Yeah, and we're taking you to Canada, so--
4
00:00:14,639 --> 00:00:15,473
Help!
5
00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:17,809
Help! Extraordinary rendition!
6
00:00:17,892 --> 00:00:21,104
-Extraordinary rendition!
-[sighs wearily] Light him up, newbie.
7
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:22,897
-Sorry in advance.
-[taser zaps]
8
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:25,692
Ow! That hurts like, insanely bad.
9
00:00:25,775 --> 00:00:27,360
That's why I said sorry in advance.
10
00:00:27,444 --> 00:00:30,405
And you have to have to stop yelling
"extraordinary rendition".
11
00:00:30,488 --> 00:00:33,533
-A, nobody cares. And--
-[Malory] Be careful!
12
00:00:33,616 --> 00:00:34,909
You big lummox!
13
00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:37,620
I swear to God, if you scuff my bags…
14
00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:39,080
Oh, I wouldn't dream of it, ma'am.
15
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:41,499
And I can do without the sarcasm.
16
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:44,878
-Oh, no, ma'am, that wasn't--
-Enough with the backchat.
17
00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:47,380
-Ugh, Lana, maybe you can talk to him.
-Um…
18
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:50,133
So, this is the infamous Kenny Bilko?
19
00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:51,926
You don't look like much of a terrorist…
20
00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:53,762
That's because I'm a freedom fighter.
21
00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,764
For a free and sovereign Nova Scotia.
22
00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:58,558
-Is that why you blew up a donut shop?
-Allegedly.
23
00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:01,436
If you believe Canada's illegitimate,
so-called "government".
24
00:01:01,519 --> 00:01:02,854
I'm pretty sure we do…
25
00:01:02,937 --> 00:01:05,648
Which is why we're taking
you back to Ottawa.
26
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:08,777
And once we do, hopefully the Mounties
will start sending us
27
00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:11,571
-all kinds of lucrative work.
-How noble.
28
00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:13,823
Speaking of work,
can I put what I just assume
29
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,950
is your rock collection
on the stupid train?
30
00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:17,869
Yes, the-- Nope.
31
00:01:17,952 --> 00:01:19,662
-Nice try, Pam.
-[Pam] What?
32
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:22,123
You want to get on that
train so you can stowaway.
33
00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:23,833
-Just like on the blimp.
-The what?
34
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,628
Okay, no biggie. Have a nice trip.
35
00:01:26,711 --> 00:01:28,338
I-- Wait a minute.
36
00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:31,633
-What now?
-Too easy. Pam's up to something.
37
00:01:31,716 --> 00:01:33,510
-[conductor] Board!
-[train whistle blows]
38
00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:36,471
-Well, I doubt she'll make it on now…
-Ha. Ditto for Archer.
39
00:01:36,554 --> 00:01:37,889
Wh-- He's not here?
40
00:01:37,972 --> 00:01:40,767
Mmm… nope.
41
00:01:40,850 --> 00:01:42,644
Need to get these bags on, ma'am.
42
00:01:42,727 --> 00:01:45,855
-I heard him! George.
-[gasps] Malory, don't call him that…
43
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,566
-My name actually is George.
-[Malory and Lana] Really?
44
00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:50,735
Dammit, I told Sterling six o'clock!
45
00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:53,363
I thought you meant 6:00 a.m.!
46
00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:56,282
No, six-- Sterling are you drunk?
47
00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:57,367
Winner!
48
00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:58,368
-Nice.
-Archer…
49
00:01:58,451 --> 00:02:01,538
You knew we were transporting
a dangerous terrorist to Canada,
50
00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:04,624
so how and why
are you drunk at six o'clock?
51
00:02:04,707 --> 00:02:09,671
Well, the how's pretty self-explanatory,
and the why is because… [belches]
52
00:02:09,754 --> 00:02:13,049
…I thought we were leaving
at 6:00 a.m. tomorrow.
53
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:16,261
Ergo, Latin,
plenty of time to sleep it off.
54
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:17,762
-[Malory sighs]
-Drink some coffee,
55
00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:19,848
'cause Bilko's terrorist pals…
56
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:21,432
Alleged terrorist pals.
57
00:02:21,516 --> 00:02:24,394
…are gonna attack the train
and try to bust him loose.
58
00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:26,020
-Awesome.
-Right?
59
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,439
I'm sorry, how is that "awesome?"
60
00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:30,567
Because pretty much my whole life
61
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:33,653
I've wanted to fight some guys
on the roof of a speeding train.
62
00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:36,447
Well, if I know my boys,
you may just get your wish, big guy.
63
00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:38,867
Ooh, thanks, Freddy Foreshadowing.
64
00:02:40,076 --> 00:02:41,077
Who is this?
65
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,203
[all sigh in exasperation]
66
00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:44,831
Please tell me he's a renowned
chicken-and-waffle chef.
67
00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:48,167
Because I am starving.
68
00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:50,879
[theme music playing]
69
00:03:27,248 --> 00:03:29,500
[Bilko] So, listen, you look like
a pretty smart guy…
70
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,377
Well, thanks, I like to think so…
71
00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:33,755
So, why don't you do yourself
a pretty-smart-guy favor
72
00:03:33,838 --> 00:03:37,050
-and just let me go?
-Uh, because Ms. Archer would kill me?
73
00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:39,636
What do ya think's gonna happen
when my boys storm this train?
74
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:41,262
Oh, I'm not too worried about that.
75
00:03:41,346 --> 00:03:43,223
Ya should be. My boys are bad ass.
76
00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:46,267
Well, so am-- Lana. And I'm learning.
77
00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:47,977
Oh, and don't forget about Archer.
78
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:51,064
-The drunk guy?
-He may have seemed drunk, but he's--
79
00:03:51,147 --> 00:03:52,065
[Lana] Still drinking?
80
00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:54,400
Relax, Lana it's just a bloody mary.
81
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:57,820
And by the way, not a great one.
Mr. Vodka and Ketchup.
82
00:03:57,904 --> 00:04:00,198
Archer, at any time
in the next twelve hours,
83
00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:03,493
this train could be attacked
by radical Nova Scotian separatists.
84
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:04,661
[chuckles] Armed with what?
85
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:07,914
Pamphlets about Canada's
responsible gun control laws?
86
00:04:07,997 --> 00:04:11,626
[sighs] The New Scotland Front has guns,
and they're not afraid to use them, so--
87
00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:14,295
So, okay. God, I'll switch to coffee.
88
00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:16,881
-Hey Heinz 56, can I get an Irish coffee?
-No.
89
00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:18,508
Lana, I have to taper off.
90
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:21,761
Trust me, if these Noma Scojens
are a real threat,
91
00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:23,805
you do not want me hungover.
92
00:04:23,888 --> 00:04:26,099
Do you even still get hangovers?
93
00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:29,936
Normally no, but I drank about two gallons
of mamajuana this afternoon.
94
00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:33,356
I was, uh, playing dominoes
with a, Dominican bike gang,
95
00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:35,358
or was it mahjong. I don't remember.
96
00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:36,776
[Malory] Ridiculous.
97
00:04:36,859 --> 00:04:39,112
This thing's a sardine can.
98
00:04:39,195 --> 00:04:41,322
How are people supposed
to travel like this?
99
00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:42,907
Most people bring less luggage.
100
00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:44,575
Most people fly.
101
00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:47,829
So, your days of sullen
superiority are numbered.
102
00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:50,164
I have no response to that.
103
00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:53,251
They never do.
Now let's go find a bigger compartment.
104
00:04:53,334 --> 00:04:54,544
I'm afraid there aren't any.
105
00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:57,755
Nonsense, I'm sure
there's one here somewhere.
106
00:04:57,839 --> 00:04:59,257
Why are these all locked?
107
00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:01,968
They're occupied. So if you don't mind--
108
00:05:02,051 --> 00:05:05,471
What I mind is your
familiar tone, young man.
109
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,932
-What's through here?
-Those are private cars, ma'am.
110
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:09,350
What do you mean, "private?"
111
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:10,435
I mean they're not--
112
00:05:10,518 --> 00:05:12,687
Not for you to be knocking on!
113
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:14,564
Now I have to insist that you--
114
00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:17,567
Get yer panties untwisted! Damn…
115
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:19,360
Wh-- I knew it!
116
00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:24,240
I want this train stopped immediately
and this stowaway forcibly disembarked!
117
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,326
Afraid I can't do that, ma'am.
118
00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:28,911
You can and you will,
or I'll have your job!
119
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:32,623
-[Cheryl] No, she won't, George!
-Carol? What are you doing here?
120
00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:35,084
Uh, trying to perform my ablutions?
121
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,336
-But--
-This is Miss Tunt's private car.
122
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:39,797
How do you have a private train car?
123
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:41,883
Uh, 'cause she owns the railroad?
124
00:05:41,966 --> 00:05:45,303
Well, half. And I knew you wouldn't
let us go on this stupid trip to Canada,
125
00:05:45,386 --> 00:05:46,596
so I had my cars hooked up.
126
00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:48,598
Cars? Plural?
127
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,309
[Cheryl] Uh, this car, two sleeping cars,
128
00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:55,521
a private dining car, and, oh,
one that's just a teeny tiny skating rink.
129
00:05:55,980 --> 00:05:58,775
Uh, two sleeping cars?
130
00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:01,903
-Do you think there might be room for--
-[Ray] Nope.
131
00:06:01,986 --> 00:06:05,698
It's already cramped back there,
what with that piss-reeking ocelot.
132
00:06:06,407 --> 00:06:07,575
[growls]
133
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,329
-Plus George says you stiffed him.
-Wh--
134
00:06:11,412 --> 00:06:14,415
-No, I didn't, I gave him a tip.
-A stick of gum?
135
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:15,541
-Well?
-Really?
136
00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:17,835
-Did you not have a button?
-You button it, missy!
137
00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:18,795
[Archer] Holy shit!
138
00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:21,798
[mockingly] We don't know
the meaning of private, let's all pile in.
139
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:23,841
Check it out. Actual gas lamps.
140
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:27,762
Amazing, Archer, yes, so you think
we can go guard the prisoner now, or what?
141
00:06:27,845 --> 00:06:30,306
-[ocelot growls]
-Is that Babou?
142
00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:33,893
-Or not. Apparently. Okay--
-[Cyril] Wow.
143
00:06:33,976 --> 00:06:35,353
-[Archer] Lana!
-Cyril.
144
00:06:35,436 --> 00:06:36,562
-Jesus!
-[Archer] Lana!
145
00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:37,605
-Cyril--
-And Pam.
146
00:06:37,688 --> 00:06:39,107
-[Archer] Lana!
-[shouts] What?
147
00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:40,691
[Archer] He remembers me!
148
00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:42,902
Cyril, why are you in here?
149
00:06:42,985 --> 00:06:44,362
I didn't know where you guys were.
150
00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:47,240
It doesn't matter where we are,
Newb Gingrich--
151
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:48,699
Then get out!
152
00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:51,160
-Where's the prisoner?
-In my compartment.
153
00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:53,788
At least, he was…
154
00:06:53,871 --> 00:06:56,541
Although he doesn't seem
to be in here now. [chuckles nervously]
155
00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:59,919
-No kidding.
-Mmm… nope.
156
00:07:00,002 --> 00:07:02,088
Lana! Cyril! Oh, my God…
157
00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:04,382
Too late, he's gone. Thanks to Cyril.
158
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:07,218
He's not gonna jump off a train
going 80 miles an hour, so--
159
00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:09,971
So, yeah. We'll sweep car by car,
moving from front to back.
160
00:07:10,054 --> 00:07:12,932
Good, you guys do that,
I'll get a big raw steak from the kitchen.
161
00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:15,685
[sighs in exasperation]
Are you talking about the ocelot?
162
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:17,728
-Are you not?
-I'm talking about the prisoner!
163
00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:19,480
Oh. Well, maybe they're together.
164
00:07:19,564 --> 00:07:21,774
Although I doubt it,
Babou's kind of a loner.
165
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:23,484
Like Paul Newman in Hud.
166
00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:27,363
If Paul Newman had constantly
sprayed piss all over, um…
167
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:32,034
What was her, uh… Oh, man, uh…
What was her name?
168
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:35,246
Patricia Neal. Who I hate.
169
00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:43,504
[Lana] Sorry for the intrusion, folks.
170
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:47,383
There's nothing to worry about,
just some standard, um… train security.
171
00:07:49,051 --> 00:07:50,761
Okay, that's all the regular cars.
172
00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:54,182
Now we get to search all the sleeper cars,
thanks to your incompetence.
173
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:56,100
Well, you left me unsupervised.
174
00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:59,103
-So, this is my fault?
-Um, 50-50?
175
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:02,023
50-50 you accidentally
shoot somebody, Newb.
176
00:08:02,106 --> 00:08:04,442
Come on, it'll take us all night
to search this damn train.
177
00:08:04,525 --> 00:08:08,279
-Well, but with Archer helping…
-I wouldn't exactly call it helping.
178
00:08:08,362 --> 00:08:10,865
[Archer] Here kitty, kitty, kitty.
[kissing]
179
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:12,325
Kitty?
180
00:08:12,408 --> 00:08:13,451
[man clears throat]
181
00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:16,329
Uh, excuse me,
is there an ocelot in there?
182
00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:17,705
[man] Uh, no.
183
00:08:17,788 --> 00:08:19,999
No, what are you doing?
184
00:08:20,082 --> 00:08:21,918
Besides making a mess all over my train?
185
00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:24,045
I'm looking for a terrorist and an ocelot.
186
00:08:24,128 --> 00:08:26,339
-What?
-Not necessarily in that order.
187
00:08:26,422 --> 00:08:28,591
Okay, that's it, we're stopping.
188
00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:31,552
-Frank, this is George, we gotta--
-Give me that!
189
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:34,180
He's gotta keep the train at top
speed so they can't get off.
190
00:08:34,263 --> 00:08:37,058
-So, tell him to keep it floored.
-I will do no such thing.
191
00:08:37,141 --> 00:08:38,643
All right, then, here, hold this?
192
00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:40,478
Why are you giving me a-- Oh, my!
193
00:08:40,561 --> 00:08:43,356
Sorry, but I'm not letting
a terrorist escape.
194
00:08:43,439 --> 00:08:45,149
And obviously an ocelot wouldn't survive
195
00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:48,611
in the frozen wasteland
of upstate New York, so…
196
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:53,491
Sorry, Frank, uh, Miss Tunt says she wants
to beat the record run to Ottawa.
197
00:08:53,574 --> 00:08:55,451
[Frank sighs over radio]
Those crazy Tunts.
198
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,953
-Okay, hang on…
-[engine revving]
199
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,996
-[George and Archer grunt]
-[bullet ricochets]
200
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:01,040
Jesus. Boys, hang on a sec…
201
00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:06,587
Okay, boys, make sure
you bring the heavy stuff,
202
00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:08,798
'cause these crazy ISIS bastards
aren't playing…
203
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,341
They just killed a Black guy.
204
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:13,511
I know, right? Welcome to America.
205
00:09:13,594 --> 00:09:15,179
How is that racist?
206
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:17,056
[sighs in exasperation] Never mind, look--
207
00:09:17,139 --> 00:09:20,768
I treat all servants exactly the same,
regardless of their race.
208
00:09:20,851 --> 00:09:22,645
Hang on, I hear freedom ringing.
209
00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:25,648
At worst, I'm elitist. But not racist.
210
00:09:25,731 --> 00:09:28,359
Whatever. Cyril and I searched
the front half of the train,
211
00:09:28,442 --> 00:09:30,319
but we didn't see any sign of
Bilko, okay, so--
212
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,780
I bet it's hard to see anything
from that high horse…
213
00:09:32,863 --> 00:09:36,492
So, unless Archer found Bilko
in the back half of the train…
214
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,494
-[Archer] Which, no, he didn't.
-Jeezy Petes.
215
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,162
-[Lana] Archer!
-[Malory] Is that blood?
216
00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:41,330
What? Oh.
217
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,708
-Yeah, but it's from a cow.
-You shot a cow?
218
00:09:45,876 --> 00:09:48,588
Bilko's not in the back half,
so you guys must've missed him.
219
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:51,632
-Which, no, we didn't.
-Which, yes, obviously you did--
220
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:53,467
-Or you did.
-Or you did.
221
00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,970
Because there's no way he got off,
we're moving too fast.
222
00:09:56,053 --> 00:09:57,471
[Cheryl] Oh, my God we totally are!
223
00:09:57,555 --> 00:09:59,307
[gasps] We might beat the record run!
224
00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:03,603
You guys probably don't understand
because don't own a railroad,
225
00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:06,188
-but it's actually a pretty huge deal.
-[Lana] To whom?
226
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:09,567
-Railroad owners?
-We're a pretty competitive bunch.
227
00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:12,945
No, Pam! No means no, now stop it!
228
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,697
Whatsa matter? Ya chicken?
229
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,365
No, I'm in a wheelchair.
230
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,576
-Ow!
-[Pam imitating chicken clucking]
231
00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:21,912
Ow! Goddammit, Pam. I don't wanna race!
232
00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:24,290
Couple skate?
233
00:10:24,373 --> 00:10:26,334
I can't believe you have
a skating rink train car.
234
00:10:26,417 --> 00:10:29,670
Yeah, apparently my great-grandpa
was nuts for skating.
235
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:30,963
That and the Klan.
236
00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:33,090
I-- Let's try this again.
237
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:35,468
Car by car, this time back to front.
238
00:10:35,551 --> 00:10:39,555
Good, because Miss Stingy here won't
let me eat in her private dining car--
239
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,599
Oh, my God, we've been over that.
240
00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:45,227
So, when you pass the dining car,
have a porter bring me a Cobb salad.
241
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:47,813
Before or after we locate
the dangerous terrorist?
242
00:10:48,564 --> 00:10:49,690
Before.
243
00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,693
[Archer] Sorry, folks,
uh, go back to sleep.
244
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:58,366
Uh, yeah, just disregard the gun-toting
spies and the blood smeared everywhere.
245
00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:01,202
-Yeah, keep an eye out for pawprints.
-Where, in the blood?
246
00:11:01,285 --> 00:11:04,372
Yeah, I assume at some point,
he'll come out to like… lick it.
247
00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:06,624
Ugh, come on,
we've only searched two cars.
248
00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:08,084
We've got a shitload to go.
249
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:11,962
Uh, speaking of that, I need to, uh,
make use of the facilities here…
250
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:15,174
Fine, but catch up, okay?
And pay attention.
251
00:11:15,257 --> 00:11:19,178
Yeah, they look just like prints from
a housecat, only bigger and awesomer.
252
00:11:19,261 --> 00:11:20,429
[Lana] Go.
253
00:11:22,681 --> 00:11:24,975
-[Bilko] Welcome to the bathroom.
-[Cyril] Thank you.
254
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,269
-What are you--
-[blows landing, body thuds]
255
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,563
I can tell you never
played much hockey, huh?
256
00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,774
Probably too busy runnin' around
shootin' Black guys.
257
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,984
-[cell phone ringing]
-What's the word, boys?
258
00:11:34,568 --> 00:11:38,322
Fantastic. They'll never see that coming.
I'll see you at the border.
259
00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:42,618
-Archer, we don't have time for this.
-It'll take, like, two seconds. God.
260
00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:45,621
Okay, so, a Cobb salad and, uh--
261
00:11:45,704 --> 00:11:48,874
I am not taking that woman a salad,
Cobb or otherwise.
262
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:51,752
George, trust me, you don't want to see
my mother with low blood sug--
263
00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:54,422
-[brakes screeching]
-Wait, why are we slowing down?
264
00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:56,173
-We're at the border.
-Of?
265
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,717
[George] Uh, this new place called Canada?
266
00:11:58,801 --> 00:11:59,718
[Archer] So?
267
00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:02,638
So, customs,
passport control, immigration?
268
00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:04,432
You know, the border?
269
00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:07,643
-Yeah, but… [chuckles] …with America.
-They still guard the border.
270
00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:09,437
Lana, we're going into Canada.
271
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,981
-Okay, can you please explain to him--
-Don't do that.
272
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:16,485
Okay, already knowing your answer,
I'm going to ask, "Don't do what?"
273
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,863
Make this a weird racial thing.
274
00:12:18,946 --> 00:12:20,406
I knew, and yet I asked…
275
00:12:20,489 --> 00:12:23,576
What, I just don't wanna be ganged up on.
George, back me up here.
276
00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:27,872
I'm gonna back way up, and not be in here
when the Mounties catch you crazy people
277
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:29,874
-with all those guns.
-Oh, shit.
278
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:32,334
What, they're Canadian,
they don't even know what a gun--
279
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:35,045
-Oh, shit.
-He said, realizing that--
280
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:37,214
That what's the perfect disguise
for some terrorists
281
00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:40,009
who want to board a train to bust
loose another terrorist?
282
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:41,343
Oh, shit. The--
283
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,762
[in Canadian accent]
Royal Canadian Mounted Police, folks.
284
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:46,682
Please have your passports
and declarations forms out and ready.
285
00:12:46,765 --> 00:12:48,017
-[whispering] Ready?
-Yeah,
286
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:50,311
but what if they're, like,
actual real Mounties?
287
00:12:50,394 --> 00:12:53,439
Well, not to belabor the point,
but they'd still be Canadian,
288
00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:56,942
-i.e., I doubt we're in any real danger.
-Okay, here goes.
289
00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:59,445
Freeze! Hands up! Get 'em up!
290
00:12:59,528 --> 00:13:00,738
[overlapping speech]
291
00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:03,365
I swear to God if any of you
Canadian fruitcakes move,
292
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,493
I will shoot that stupid hat right
off your head.
293
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:06,785
That… That's not okay.
294
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,913
Get 'em up, Dudley Douchebags!
295
00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:10,164
Maintain the right, boys.
296
00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:12,708
-Whoa, dude, we're serious, we'll sh--
-[gunfire]
297
00:13:12,791 --> 00:13:14,668
-[glass breaking]
-[Archer yells]
298
00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:15,711
[bullets whizzing]
299
00:13:15,794 --> 00:13:18,589
-God damn it, Archer!
-What, Lana?
300
00:13:18,672 --> 00:13:22,760
You are so stupid! Thinking terrorists
would be disguised as--
301
00:13:22,843 --> 00:13:24,929
Royal Canadian Mounted Police!
302
00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:27,431
Stand down, boys! We're Mounties!
303
00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:29,016
Piss off! We're Mounties!
304
00:13:29,099 --> 00:13:32,436
Great, good, we're all Mounties,
so no need for a Mexican standoff, eh?
305
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,022
[in Canadian accent]
Oh, yeah, how's about ya co-opt s'more
306
00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:37,608
American stuff there, eh, Canada?
307
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:40,569
-Stuff like Mexican standoff?
-[in normal accent] Oh, look at that,
308
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:41,612
-the race card…
-Wh--
309
00:13:41,695 --> 00:13:45,074
Let's all just put down the guns, boys.
C'mon, we're not Americans.
310
00:13:45,157 --> 00:13:47,368
-[Babou growls]
-Unvaccinated animal! Put him down!
311
00:13:47,451 --> 00:13:48,953
No! Serpentine, Babou!
312
00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:51,997
-[Babou hisses, urinates]
-Ah, jeez, he sprayed me! That reeks!
313
00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:53,958
-Did he get away?
-Ya… [coughs]
314
00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:55,501
-…he ran right out past us!
-Good.
315
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:57,419
-Then screw this.
-[grenade hissing]
316
00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:59,213
Please tell me that's a smoke grenade.
317
00:13:59,296 --> 00:14:00,464
Okay.
318
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:02,424
It's not, though.
319
00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:10,307
-[Archer coughs, laughs]
-[car alarms blaring]
320
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:14,812
Whoo! Holy--
321
00:14:14,895 --> 00:14:16,897
Shitsnacks. What was that?
322
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:20,651
Probably my stomach growling.
I am literally starving to death.
323
00:14:20,734 --> 00:14:22,736
I don't care, Frank.
We are gonna beat that record,
324
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:26,532
so put this stupid train in…
train-gear, and jam it!
325
00:14:27,157 --> 00:14:29,243
Argh! I'm surrounded by mediocrity…
326
00:14:29,326 --> 00:14:32,872
[Lana] In what way?
In what possible way did that work?
327
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:35,833
Well, um, A, they're all incapacitated…
328
00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:38,544
And B, I got to blow up a train.
329
00:14:38,627 --> 00:14:40,588
-Well, thanks, Gomez.
-Nice.
330
00:14:40,671 --> 00:14:42,506
But that doesn't help us find Bilko.
331
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,174
-He's right there, stupid.
-Wh--
332
00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:45,926
Jesus, boys, what happened?
333
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:48,012
I happened. Drop it, Bilko.
334
00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:49,972
You drop it, ya racist bastard.
335
00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:51,849
[Archer yells] Gah! Ow!
336
00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:54,059
Wait, how am I a racist?
337
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:57,354
-Really?
-Shut up and come on and shut up!
338
00:14:57,479 --> 00:14:59,732
[Lana] Wait. We don't know
which Mounties are real ones.
339
00:14:59,815 --> 00:15:00,774
What do we do?
340
00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:02,776
[Archer sighs]
341
00:15:04,194 --> 00:15:05,404
-[gun cocking]
-Archer!
342
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:07,448
I'm kidding. Jesus, Lana.
343
00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:10,951
Hey, good guys and bad guys.
All of you just got a pretty huge pass,
344
00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:13,287
so don't make me regret it later.
345
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:14,914
-Deal?
-[Cheryl screams]
346
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:15,956
Come on!
347
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,167
I'm taking that as tacit agreement!
348
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:19,752
[Lana] Cyril, what are you doing?
349
00:15:19,835 --> 00:15:22,880
[Cyril] Being blind! [laughs]
Oh, my God, I'm blind.
350
00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:24,340
-[Lana] Sweater!
-[Cyril] Huh?
351
00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:27,176
-Oh.
-[Archer] When will you not suck at this?
352
00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:29,678
When you don't suck at… Shut up.
353
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,764
-[overlapping speech]
-Be careful with that thing!
354
00:15:31,847 --> 00:15:34,266
Go ahead shoot me.
It's better than starving to death.
355
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:35,643
Everybody shut up!
356
00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:37,770
And then somebody get over here
to be my hostage!
357
00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:41,815
Oh, for-- [scoffs] Way to man up, Ray!
358
00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:43,734
Wh-- I'm in a wheelchair.
359
00:15:43,817 --> 00:15:46,820
Yeah, no offense but we're gonna be
running around and stuff?
360
00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:48,405
Uh, no. You're not.
361
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:50,032
Uh, yeah. I am.
362
00:15:50,407 --> 00:15:51,617
[all shouting indistinctly]
363
00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:54,036
Everybody okay?
364
00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:55,120
Yeah, I think so.
365
00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:57,831
Yeah. Paralyzed,
but other than that, fine. Yeah.
366
00:15:57,915 --> 00:15:59,625
Okay, then Lana, you guard them…
367
00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:01,168
[panting] Okay, what's the plan?
368
00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:04,838
And Cyril, you keep sliding down
the learning curve like the Banana Splits.
369
00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:07,091
-And what are you gonna do?
-[footsteps on roof]
370
00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:09,760
I am going to fulfill my lifelong dream.
371
00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:11,637
Meeting Mr. Greenjeans?
372
00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,556
-[Bilko] Snap out of it, boys!
-[Archer] Bilko!
373
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,642
I could use some help on the roof!
374
00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:19,061
[Archer] Oh, my God, this is gonna be
375
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:21,397
aw-- Shit!
376
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,273
Ow! The dust!
377
00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:26,360
It's like being shot
in the eyes by a glitter gun.
378
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:30,656
There, that oughta do it.
Okay, let's try that ag--
379
00:16:30,739 --> 00:16:32,241
[yells] Shit!
380
00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:34,118
Retinas!
381
00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:36,036
Seared, like tuna steaks!
382
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,831
All I want is to fight on top of a train!
383
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:40,624
Is that too much to ask?
384
00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:43,585
The good news, is now I'm furious.
385
00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:47,965
So, rethinking this, huh?
On top of the train you're still, like,
386
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:50,884
on the train, plus you got all-- Oh, shit!
387
00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:52,886
Plus you got all that.
388
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:53,887
[Archer] Oh, shit!
389
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:55,681
[shouts] Why…
390
00:16:57,725 --> 00:16:59,059
do people do this?
391
00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:01,061
You're still just on the train.
392
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:03,856
I know, right? Although, I guess sometimes
there's a helicopter.
393
00:17:03,939 --> 00:17:05,733
Do you have a helicopter?
394
00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:07,317
Mmm… nope.
395
00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:09,695
-Just a gun.
-It's empty, dickhead.
396
00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:11,822
Yeah, nice try, super-dickhead.
397
00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:12,781
[gun clicks]
398
00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:14,074
What the…
399
00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:16,326
You fired eight rounds, ultradickhead.
400
00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:18,787
Am I the only person who ever
keeps track of that?
401
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:19,872
Ow!
402
00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:22,416
Wow, and I thought I was mad before…
403
00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:25,586
Why, did you see some old Black lady
sittin' in the front of a bus?
404
00:17:25,669 --> 00:17:27,588
What is your deal
with calling me a racist?
405
00:17:27,671 --> 00:17:29,882
-Well, A, you're American--
-[Archer] That's--
406
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:33,594
Oh, shit. Racist, jingoist, whatever.
407
00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:35,596
And B, you murdered the porter.
408
00:17:35,679 --> 00:17:36,805
Wh-- No, I didn't.
409
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,557
You shot him. There was blood everywhere.
410
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,476
That was from a steak, you idiot!
411
00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:42,478
I was trying to catch an ocelot!
412
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:44,438
-[Bilko] In Canada?
-[both grunt]
413
00:17:44,521 --> 00:17:45,522
And I'm the idiot?
414
00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:47,066
[Mountie 1] Hold it right there!
415
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:49,234
Royal Canadian Mounted Police!
416
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:50,861
Damn it, which are the real ones?
417
00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:52,738
That's for me to know and you to find out.
418
00:17:52,821 --> 00:17:54,698
Well, I'm gonna find out in, like, five--
419
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:55,783
-[Babou growls]
-Babou!
420
00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:58,243
-It's the pisscat!
-[Mountie 1] He's corpuscular! Get him!
421
00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,579
-No!
-[bullets ricochet]
422
00:18:01,705 --> 00:18:03,791
-[Archer] Babou, serpentine!
-[Babou hisses]
423
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,043
-[glass breaking]
-[Cyril] Yeah, so…
424
00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:08,921
So, yeah, put that in your little
secret agent notebook,
425
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:11,840
along with "don't leave
prisoners unsupervised."
426
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:15,135
There's absolutely no reason to ever
get on top of a moving train.
427
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:17,221
Wait, what if there's a helicopter?
428
00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:18,889
[sarcastically] Ooh, yeah, or a dragon!
429
00:18:18,972 --> 00:18:20,641
Ooh, yeah, or some sarcasm!
430
00:18:20,724 --> 00:18:22,851
-Ooh, yeah, or hang on!
-What?
431
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,895
-[yells]
-[brakes screech]
432
00:18:24,978 --> 00:18:26,438
[all screaming]
433
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:27,606
[screams]
434
00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:29,858
-[grunts, coughs]
-[Babou roars]
435
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:30,943
[Archer] Babou!
436
00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:33,278
-That's right, buddy, I got-- Ow!
-[Babou growls]
437
00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:35,447
[Archer] Ow! Babou, no!
438
00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:38,200
Ow! Babou, stop! Ow!
439
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:39,743
Ow!
440
00:18:39,993 --> 00:18:43,247
Aw, come on, I wouldn't say
it was a complete failure…
441
00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:47,459
Oh, really? And what parts of this mission
would you call a success?
442
00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:48,544
[Cheryl] Well, let's see…
443
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,629
Maybe the part where
my non-record-breaking train
444
00:18:50,712 --> 00:18:51,964
is totally shit-housed?
445
00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:54,758
[sighs in exasperation]
Not as shit-housed as my spleen…
446
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:58,887
Ooh, or maybe the part where the Mounties
will never hire ISIS again.
447
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:01,348
What's it matter,
we're all banned from Canada.
448
00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:04,476
Au revoir, sweet man-whores of Montreal…
449
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,979
Ugh. Lana? You were saying?
450
00:19:07,062 --> 00:19:09,481
Uh, well, we did help with a major arrest.
451
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:13,193
Kenny Bilko, you're under arrest
for violation of sections one through nine
452
00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:15,112
of the Canadian Terrorism Act, buddy.
453
00:19:15,195 --> 00:19:17,447
Sorry to cut into
your donut supply, boys.
454
00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:19,533
Long live free Nova Scotia!
455
00:19:19,616 --> 00:19:21,285
Oh, wait, make that five…
456
00:19:21,368 --> 00:19:23,078
Same goes for you bastards.
457
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,581
Plus impersonating an RCMP constable.
458
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:27,749
-That's not fair, you're doin'' it.
-Yeah.
459
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:28,876
-Good one
-Take that.
460
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:31,461
[chuckles] Oh, wait.
I guess make that six…
461
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:34,047
And besides attempted murder
on a Black guy,
462
00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:35,549
you're under arrest for violating
463
00:19:35,632 --> 00:19:38,302
the Exotic Fish
and Wildlife Importation Act.
464
00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:41,680
-Yeah, whatever, Dudley Douchebag…
-Plus you already used that once.
465
00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:43,974
It was good enough to merit seconds!
466
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:47,561
-You hear that? They called you exotic.
-[Babou roars softly]
467
00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:51,023
Which is just people talk for awesome,
which is what you are,
468
00:19:51,106 --> 00:19:53,483
which is why I was happy
to save your life, buddy.
469
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:55,277
-[Babou chirps]
-No, don't worry,
470
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,321
probably just thousands
of dollars in fines,
471
00:19:57,404 --> 00:19:59,406
maybe a little jail time,
hopefully just probation.
472
00:19:59,489 --> 00:20:00,782
[Babou hisses, urinates]
473
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,954
-Totally worth it.
-[Babou chirps]
474
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,915
No, Babou. That was all sarcasm.
475
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:12,669
-[Babou chirps]
-Yes, all of it!
476
00:20:12,836 --> 00:20:14,463
You fox-eared asshole!
477
00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:17,174
[theme music playing]
37968
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