Original subtitles

[Archer] Come on, Cyril, beat it. Get out of here.

This meeting is for field agents only.

Which brings me to item one.

We don't have enough field agents to effectively run our covert operations,

especially since this one went and got himself paralyzed.

Yeah, that's me, Mr. Selfish.

[Malory] More like "Ms."

Anyway, effective immediately, I'm promoting Cyril to field agent.

-[all] What? -That sounds great. Best of luck.

Where are you going?

Sorry, I gotta get back to Earth before the Stargate closes.

Get back in here.

Mother, the chevrons are locking.

And Cyril is utterly, laughably unqualified to be a field agent.

-Some offense. -Uh, some taken.

None of you were qualified when you first started.

And you've already given Cyril some training.

Which ended with a dead hooker in my trunk.

-No, it didn't. -it easily could have.

Malory, you can't just--

End of discussion. And since this meeting is for field agents only…

You're taking me out of the field?

Well, unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart.

[sighs]

[giggling]

This is Román Calzado, the notorious Colombian drug lord.

And hopefully an infusion of much-needed capital.

Since when are we bounty hunters?

Since the DEA's budget was gutted by all those federal spending cutbacks.

Which is ridiculous, given the current economy.

The most efficient way to decrease the budget deficit

is to increase tax revenue, through, um…

Cyril, don't make me regret this decision.

-Sorry. -And if you were in my tax bracket,

you wouldn't be spouting that socialist propaganda.

-Or wearing such shitty clothes. -Or doing such shitty missions.

What are you talking about? The reward is a million dollars!

Exactly, and how many drug users could be treated with that money?

-Who cares? -Seriously?

Lana, they'd just go buy a million dollars' worth of crack with it.

-You don't give them the money. -You can't. They'll blow it on crack.

-Oh, my God. -No, they won't,

because it'll be in the ISIS bank account.

Because you're going to get Calzado, dead or alive.

And Cyril, dress appropriately. You'll be helicoptering into the jungle.

-Cool. -Oh, and this whole thing reminds me.

[beeping]

Pam, 9:00 a.m. Friday morning, all ISIS employees will take a drug test.

[Pam] Okay.

[coughing]

[Malory] And knock off that damn beatboxing!

Transform.

Ugh.

Last week it was freestyling.

[theme music playing]

[Archer] Yes, this LZ, you dumb-ass.

Where we are right now, in 24 hours. And you better be here!

What a dick.

Well, he's probably just under a lot of stress,

since he's our only way out of this stupid jungle, dumb-ass.

-[Cyril] Seriously. -Thanks, ghost of Teddy Roosevelt.

Ms. Archer said dress for the tropics.

Um, tropics or Busch Gardens?

-Hey, you know what? -Yes.

Uh, Heckle, Jeckle, between us and Calzado's fortified compound

there's about 10 klicks of jungle

that I just assume is one giant booby-trap showroom.

So shut your dickholes, get your gear, shut up again, and start walking.

Any questions?

Cyril.

-What's a "klick"? -Ugh.

You say that all the time. I never know what you're talking about.

-I'm assuming it's a sound of some sort. -[Cheryl] Nuh-uh!

Swear to God, first thing Friday morning, we all gotta pee in a cup.

Which I can't even do, y'all.

Cleaning out my freezer last week, I found a big bag of skank.

I guess I brought it back from Jamaica, but--

But it's just a pot test, right?

No, stupid. All drugs.

Oh, shit.

I call them groovy bears.

How about you, lronside? You rolling dirty?

Um…

[blows whistle]

-Possibly. -Well, then we're all screwed.

-Talking about the drug test, huh? -Duh.

Well, what if I told you I had a way to beat any drug test in the world?

Are you telling us that?

-Yes. -Well? What is it?

I call it Krieger-Kleanse. It's an herbal tea, all-natural

and it's guaranteed to rid your body of all traces of any illicit substance.

-Well, here. Give me, give me, give it! -Ah, ah, ah.

I literally-- Figuratively scoured the globe for these special herbs,

at no small expense to myself.

-Ugh! How much? -Hundred bucks each.

-Oh, come on! -That's more than the drugs!

Or you can save your money and try your luck in the current job market.

Non-sequential bills, please.

[Archer] Well, then why not just say "kilometer"?

-Because shut up. -Oh, jungle zing.

So it says here that Calzado isn't even the head of the whole operation.

-Cyril. -He's actually just a distributor

for somebody named "La Sombra." La sombre. The Shade?

-Cyril. -No, I bet in this context, the "Shadow."

-Cyril! -Ooh! Hey, what's your problem?

My problem is I don't want a thousand steel balls to shred my genitals.

-Huh? -Claymore mine full of steel balls

that fly 1000 meters, or one klick, a second

-right at dick level. -Jeezy Petes.

Or ass level, which in your case would also take off your head.

-So quit reading and pay attention. -But there's useful stuff in here.

Organizational charts, inventory and cash-flow analyses, spreadsheets.

Of what, possible outcomes with a 20-sided die?

You don't need a spreadsheet for that.

And you don't need one to know you'll suck at being a field agent.

So why do you wanna be one?

Oh. I don't know, I just wanna feel like I'm a part of the team, you know?

I guess I wanna feel like I matter more.

Wow, not afraid to dump out your purse in the jungle, huh?

Okay, Cyril, then lesson 1A:

In a potentially hostile environment like this,

the key is total situational awareness.

-Okay. -You look, you listen, you smell

and you remember to check your 6.

My six what? Is that my gun? The old six-shooter?

Oh, my God. O'clock, Cyril. it means behind you.

Because the last thing you want is-- Lana, hold up a sec.

[sighs] Archer, we don't have--

-Cyril? -Yeah, that's why I said hold up.

-Archer! -Don't yell at me.

I looked away for literally one second.

-Well, where the hell did he go? -I don't know, it's like he just…

[birds screeching]

[groans]

You're looking for Predator, aren't you?

-Yes. -Oh. Couple things. A, he's invisible.

Not totally. He has a telltale shimmer.

-Ow! -And B, lower your freaking voice.

[man speaking foreign language]

Is that Cyril?

Mm, no, it's not whimpery enough.

[gunshots]

Cyril. Cyril.

-Oh. Goddamn it. -Well, look on the bright side.

Which is?

-Which is what? -What's the bright side?

Oh. It's a figure of speech.

All I'm saying is there's a million green rectangle-y reasons

to complete the mission and zero reasons not to.

-You mean besides Cyril getting captured? -Yeah, besides that.

And if Calzado's men got Cyril, we'll rescue him when we get Calzado.

Problemo solved-o.

What if it was FARC? Or the ELN?

We'll use some of the million-dollar reward to pay his ransom.

So shut up, Cyril's gonna be fine.

[roaring]

-Unless a tiger ate him. -Tigers don't live in South America.

Well, at least one does, because I just heard its spine-tingling roar.

That was a jaguar, dumb-ass.

Thanks, Marlin Perkins. I think I know a tiger when I hear one!

Stop!

Every time. Your big, fat mouth gets us caught every time.

Not every time. Like a third of the time.

[roaring]

And 1000 bucks that's a tiger, Lana.

[sniffs and gags]

If this doesn't work, we just paid a hundred bucks for liquid fart.

Yeah, well, here's shit in your eye.

[coughing and gaging]

Oh, God, it tastes worse than it smells.

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say that…

I'd have eight nickels.

[Lana] Archer, I swear to God, if you don't shut up--

I'm just saying, if it comes down to that-- And I hope it doesn't.

There's no sense in us both getting raped.

-Silence! -Nando! Careful, okay?

Our special guests must not be injured in any way.

Uh, does that include rape-related injury?

Of course. No one is going to rape you. What is wrong with you?

We're scared. We're just tourists. Our car broke down, so--

So the assault weapons and plastic explosives, why do you have these?

Okay, yes, let me explain. Busted. We're arms dealers.

No. [chuckles] I think not.

I think you are hunting Romén Calzado in the hopes of a million-dollar reward.

Okay, yes, busted again, but I think now we're kind of rethinking that, so--

So if I give you 2 million, will you go away and say you never found me?

I… Oh, my God, totally, yes!

Then we give Mother a million and you and I split the other million.

Uh, Calzado, you've got yourself a deal.

Excellent. But of course I was joking.

-But-- -Obviously, I cannot allow you to live.

No! Yes, you can.

Or choose not to, whatever.

Besides, throwing money away like that would displease El Contador.

-El Contador? Doesn't that mean-- -[Cyril] The accountant, si.

[Archer] Cyril? Oof! [groans]

What? Why did he say "Cyril"?

No, he said, uh, "cereal."

-What? -[chuckles] Cereal.

He wants breakfast.

And people in hell want ice water.

Put them in a cage!

-Hey. -Sorry.

[belching]

Oh, my God! I'm gonna die in a toilet stall,

just like the gypsy said.

-Damn that Krieger. Nazi-clone bastard. -Ah.

-Well, we don't know it was the the-- -[screaming]

Who the hell are you?

I'm your friend, Pam, I'm-- Pam?

You're not my friend. You're a Decepticon.

[Cheryl screaming]

How are you both still alive?

The floor is lava! The floor is lava!

Clinical trial 13. Subjects' responses are exceeding expectations.

[all screaming]

Pam, you're melting! You're melting!

Because the floor is lava!

Must kill Decepticon!

Oh, which reminds me, call Terry.

[Archer laughing]

[Archer] The tiger says…

[roaring]

The tiger also says you owe me $1000, so--

No, I don't, because I didn't bet.

-Bloop! The welsher says-- -[Cyril] Psst!

No, that's a snake.

Oh, boy, am I glad to see you guys.

-Cyril, what the hell is going on? -Are you a drug dealer now?

What? No. You guys aren't gonna believe what happened.

I had, um, gastric distress, or whatever, so I was just gonna duck off the trail.

-You remember to check your 6. -My six what?

[Cyril] Before I knew what was happening…

[screaming]

[grunts] Oh, man, right in my new pants.

-Hey! -Hello.

Hands up! Who are you?

And I only had a second to answer, so I thought, "What would Lana do?"

-Um, not Archer? -No, I had to outsmart them.

He said, suddenly too big for his shit-caked britches.

-Archer. -And then it came to me.

Who am I?

I'm El Contador. Sent by La Sombra. Where is Calzado?

What's a La Sombra?

Calzado's boss. Don't you remember the dossier?

-No. -Yes. But what about the gunshot?

[carburetor blowback]

[Cyril] Then they brought me here. I bluffed my way through the rest.

La Sombra did not say you were coming.

I assume he did not want to give you the time to cook your books.

Oh, I-- I swear I don't do that.

Well, then you are a fool.

You pay La Sombra 64 cents on every dollar you make, no?

More or less, but…

I can get that down to 30 cents, and he will never even know.

Really? But how?

You just leave that to me, amigo.

Wait, wait, wait, what's in this for you?

[laughing]

We split the difference, of course.

But first I need some clean clothes. This is not mud all over my pants.

It's caca.

-Holy shit, Cyril. -[chuckles] Literally.

I kind of wish I'd skipped the diarrhea part.

-No, forget that, you did great! -Really?

It figuratively kills me to say this, Cyril, but yeah, you did.

So now what? What's the plan?

Oh. Well, I was hoping you guys could come up with something.

And ideally before tomorrow at dawn.

-Why, what's-- -What is going on here?

[laughing] Amigo, I was just mocking

this giant Negress and her sissy sidekick.

[laughing] Yes, they are ridiculous, no?

-Are the accommodations to your liking? -Honestly?

No. You shouldn't even keep animals in these conditions. Look at them.

Cement floors, steel bars, no room to run around, nothing to play with--

Ah. I think perhaps you are confusing this with a zoo.

I think maybe it's all these exotic animals.

Yes, exotic animals for me to hunt.

You hunt them? How can you do that? [Calzado] Like this.

[gunshots]

Goddamn, dude!

But you see, even the majestic Bengal tiger is too easy to kill. It's boring,

which is why tomorrow, at dawn,

I will be hunting the most dangerous game in the world.

-Jai alai? -Us!

-What? -Si, so sleep well, amigos.

I want you rested and strong for tomorrow.

Come on, Mr. Contador. We'll have dinner together.

So yeah, try to think of a plan.

-Well, go ahead and say it. -Say what?

Since we're gonna die in the morning, we should have sex now.

After seeing a tiger get murdered, Lana?

No offense, but I'm not really in the mood.

I mean, if you want, I can watch while you masturbate.

But I can tell you right now, my heart's not gonna be in it.

It'll be with that tiger's family.

But go ahead. I mean, start.

And so begins the hunt for the most dangerous game!

-So, what are the rules here, exactly? -Ah. Lana, be still.

You get a 30-minute head start.

Then El Contador and I, just us alone, will track you and kill you.

Uh… Oh! Can they split up?

Uh, sure, why not.

Then I propose a friendly wager.

We each hunt one of them, and the first to kill his quarry is the winner.

I like this idea, but, uh, which--

I get the woman. Called it! Boom!

Uh… All right, since you called it.

Hey, pig!

Okay, let's hunt some humans.

Go, go, go!

[groans]

-Are you really that selfish? -[Archer] Apparently!

[snoring]

[Krieger] Clinical trial 13, update.

As hypothesized, after mind-shredding hallucinations,

subjects B and C have lapsed into deep unconsciousness.

Subject A, however, remains at large.

Begin clinical trial 14.

Lana? Lana?

Where the heck is she…

Don't scream, it's me.

Oh, thank God. I thought those were yeti hands.

Never gets old. But good idea back there, getting everybody to split up.

Thanks. Yeah, I figured you'd know to head back to the, uh, LZ thingy--

-Which we only have an hour to get to, so… -And I figured once I found you,

we'd work together to rescue Archer, capture Calzado and escape.

You know, you don't actually suck at this.

Really?

You're thinking tactically, making quick decisions, and I gotta tell you,

-confidence is pretty damn sexy. -Really?

-Theoretically. -Sorry.

Okay, you're doing pretty well so far, so, what's the plan, rookie?

And sooner would be better than later.

Calzado is on a three-wheeler. Can you believe that guy?

Who, the drug lord who hunts humans for sport?

-I know, but that's just lame. -Cyril.

Uh, okay. We have to assume Archer's heading back to the LZ too,

-but he can't possibly outrun Calzado. -Yeah, neither can we, so…

We don't need to outrun him, just Archer.

-What? -Come on.

[Archer] Ow! Oh, eat a dick, jungle!

Cover it with malaria and leeches, sprinkle some dengue fever on it

and eat a big goddamn jungly dick!

Yeah, you do that and I'll just wait here

for a bask of Orinoco crocodiles to wander by and eat me.

[vehicle approaching]

Oh, great, that's probably them now,

tearing around on specially-equipped croc-choppers.

Wait, what the…

Oh. Oh, Goddess of the Jungle, I take it all back.

For when I was thirsty, you saw fit to slake my--

[screaming]

[sighs]

Goddess of the Jungle, you are a whore.

[vehicle approaching]

Oh, thank God, I thought you were crocodiles.

[laughs] Crocodiles? On a three-wheeler?

Right? How scary would that be?

Probably not as scary as knowing that I'm going to cut you down from there…

and then gut you like a fish.

Well, then you're obviously an idiot when it comes to crocodiles,

a.k.a. the world's most deadliest predators.

I am the world's deadliest predator.

[Cyril] Or are you?

-[Archer] Cyril? -[Calzado] No breakfast for you.

No, that's my name, Calzado. Cyril Figgis, ISIS agent.

Lying bastard.

-ISIS? -That's right.

And you're under arrest, albeit extra-judicially.

Over my dead body.

Well, that can be arranged. Lana?

Hello.

Oh, shit!

Wait a minute, was I just bait?

That's right, Archer. All part of my brilliant plan.

Lana, get some vines and tie him up, chop-chop.

-"Chop-chop"? -Here we go.

Uh, yeah, it means hurry? Come on, we got a chopper to catch. Tie him up.

You do it.

Okay, I see what you're doing here. Hands behind your back, Calzado.

-Make me, cabrón. -I-- Look, she will shoot you.

-No, I won't. -No, no, she won't.

Come on, Cyril, go all rogue on him.

Guys, come on, this is ridic--

[grunting]

I think I'm gonna be--

[coughing]

Yeah, I'm definitely gonna be sick.

Here, maybe this will help.

[screaming]

My eyes! Ow!

Ooh. Probably shouldn't have done that. Not enough left to get drunk on.

[grunting]

And now, bastardo, I kill you!

Oh! Lana!

[gunshot]

-What the hell? Damn guy. -Oh, thank you, thank you.

You're welcome, Cyril. So learn any valuable lessons today?

-Yes, I did. -[Archer] Me, too.

[coughing]

I learned I don't like being bait.

-[Cyril] Ow! -Sorry, Cyril, did that hurt?

Cyril?

Cyril!

-Cyril! -Yes, it freaking hurt!

Yeah, right?

What? Yes, obviously I heard what you said.

I just can't believe the head of the DEA has the balls to say it.

Oh, is that a fact?

Oh, it is.

Hmm. Yep.

So, um, how'd that go?

Oh, fine. He was just explaining to me

why ISIS won't be receiving any reward for capturing Calzado.

-What? -What are you talking about?

Because apparently there's no proof that we did.

We literally handed Calzado to them.

And in return, did they hand you a signed receipt for the prisoner?

No, they--

-Oh. -Oh, shit.

Mm. So well done.

Because that's exactly the brand of unparalleled professional excellence

-that I've come to expect at ISIS. -[Pam] No, no, no!

-[Lana] What? Pam? -[Cyril] I wish I was still blind.

[Pam] You'll never take me alive!

[sighs]

What was I saying? Oh, yes, unparalleled--

[Krieger] Pam!

For the love of God, seal the exits!

Professional…

That's our pee, and that's the last I better hear about it

because this stupid building is a tinderbox

and I will burn it to the ground.

Excellence.

Oh, hey, speaking of excellent, did you hear we met a tiger?

But he got murdered.

[theme music playing]