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1
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[jazz music playing]
2
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[Archer] And so here's what I propose:
3
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We finish these, get some roadies,
head back to my huge penthouse,
4
00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:16,599
drink chilled champagne
served by my valet--
5
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Isn't it pronounced "valet"?
6
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Only if he's parking your car.
7
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Then we slip into my new hot tub
and see where the evening takes us.
8
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Well, I have to wait until my friend
comes back from the powder room.
9
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Obviously we're gonna wait for her.
She's the hot one.
10
00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:32,615
[gasps]
11
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Pig!
12
00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:35,243
[chuckles]
13
00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:37,203
Uh, I'm sorry, is something funny?
14
00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:39,789
Just that last part,
where she slapped you.
15
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,375
Yeah? You like physical humor?
16
00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:43,626
[grunts]
17
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,795
-Depends on the situation.
-Ow.
18
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:49,215
-You okay?
-No, I'm not o-- Oh, my God.
19
00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:51,301
-You're Burt Reynolds.
-Yes, I am.
20
00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:54,054
And if I let you up,
are you gonna do anything stupid?
21
00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:55,305
No, no, I'm not.
22
00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:58,558
-Hi, Sterling Archer.
-Sterling Archer?
23
00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:01,144
-Yeah, you heard of me? Right?
-Well, just from your--
24
00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:02,145
Press clippings.
25
00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:05,398
It's pretty hard to stay anonymous when
you're the world's greatest secret agent.
26
00:01:05,482 --> 00:01:09,152
-Calling yourself that can't help.
-Hang on, true story. Operation C.I.A.?
27
00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:13,239
That movie's basically why I became
a secret agent in the first place.
28
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:14,324
-Really?
-Yes.
29
00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:16,076
That movie was just god-awful.
30
00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:18,495
What's awful, Mr. Reynolds,
is I almost punched you.
31
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[laughs] No, you didn't.
32
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:21,915
I've seen all your other movies
like five times.
33
00:01:21,998 --> 00:01:27,003
Sam Whiskey, Navajo Joe, Fuzz, Hooper,
Shamus, Shark, The Longest Yard,
34
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Deliverance, the Smokeys,
White Lightning, obviously Gator.
35
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Oh, I even saw At Long Last Love.
36
00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:36,221
-Yeah, yeah. Well--
-I thought you were great.
37
00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:38,097
-Really?
-I mean…
38
00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:40,225
-Well, I wanted to.
-Me, too.
39
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Listen, I kind of have a date.
40
00:01:42,393 --> 00:01:45,396
No, no, no, Mr. Reynolds, wait.
41
00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:47,857
Sorry. Let me buy you a drink.
42
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,110
I wanna tell you my idea
for a Gator sequel.
43
00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:51,778
-Gator was a sequel.
-I know.
44
00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:54,864
And this will be the final chapter
in the McKlusky trilogy.
45
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:55,949
Trilogy? Huh.
46
00:01:56,032 --> 00:01:58,701
Yeah, with twice
as many airboats as Gator.
47
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:01,371
-Twice as many would be none.
-What? Gator had--
48
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:02,705
Speedboats, not airboats.
49
00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:05,542
-Really? Are you sure?
-I'm pretty sure. I directed it.
50
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:08,962
Okay, but this one has airboats,
and they're central to the plot.
51
00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:12,090
It sounds great, kid, but like I said,
I kind of have a date--
52
00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:16,219
I get it. You gonna take her upstairs
and give her The Longest Yard?
53
00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:18,638
-Uh…
-[woman] Yoo-hoo!
54
00:02:18,721 --> 00:02:20,807
Mother? What are you doing here?
55
00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:23,977
-What are you doing here?
-I'm kicking it with--
56
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-Burt? Oh, no. No.
-Yeah. Yeah.
57
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,690
Remember how I said I kind of have a date?
58
00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:31,693
-It's kind of with your mom.
-Oh, Burt Reynolds.
59
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[thuds]
60
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,363
I hope that's not gonna be a problem.
61
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,825
[theme music playing]
62
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:15,945
[Malory] Oh, please!
63
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,698
Burt Reynolds didn't give you a black eye,
the floor did.
64
00:03:18,781 --> 00:03:20,617
When you fainted like a schoolgirl.
65
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,994
It was an involuntary reaction, Mother,
66
00:03:23,077 --> 00:03:27,540
to seeing you all tarted up
to meet my hero in a hotel bar for sex.
67
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:32,337
Oh, for-- We were meeting for drinks.
I mean, obviously sex was implied, but--
68
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:35,048
-Ugh!
-And since when is he your hero?
69
00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:36,466
Since always!
70
00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:39,010
♪ Eastbound and down ♪
71
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:42,680
-I thought that was Richard Petty.
-Which doesn't even merit a response.
72
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:46,976
-And you cannot date Burt Reynolds.
-Can, am, and will continue to do so.
73
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,312
I'm serious, I will do something drastic.
74
00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:53,066
You will not. Mainly because you've got
bigger things to worry about.
75
00:03:53,149 --> 00:03:56,361
I'll be the judge of-- A Cuban hit squad
is in New York to kill me?
76
00:03:56,444 --> 00:03:58,780
-Apparently.
-This intel's a week old.
77
00:03:58,863 --> 00:04:02,116
-Why are you just telling me about it now?
-Because…
78
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,410
Pick up, Sterling. Pick up, pick--
79
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:07,038
-[Archer] Hello?
-Sterling, dear, it's me. There's--
80
00:04:07,121 --> 00:04:10,124
-Ha! Voicemail. You know what to do.
-Oh, for God's sake.
81
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:13,294
-[Archer] Hello? Oh, man. Hold on.
-Sterling? Sterling, dear, it's me.
82
00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:15,505
-Hold on! Hang on.
-Pick up, Sterling.
83
00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:16,839
[pot breaking]
84
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:17,966
I got it.
85
00:04:18,466 --> 00:04:19,592
-Sterling?
-Don't hang up!
86
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,511
[objects clattering]
87
00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:23,429
-[Archer] Hello?
-Sterling, it's--
88
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,431
Elaborate voice-mail hoax.
89
00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:26,933
Leave it.
90
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,227
[grunting]
91
00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:32,605
And then I just forgot about it,
because that same night, I met--
92
00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:33,773
[phone beeping]
93
00:04:33,856 --> 00:04:37,443
[Cheryl] Burt Reynolds is on line one!
94
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:39,779
-Oh…
-For you, for some reason.
95
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:43,366
Burt, dear, what a lovely surprise.
96
00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:46,619
[Burt] I'm sitting here with just
a mustache and memories of last night.
97
00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:48,413
-Oh, Burt.
-Ugh!
98
00:04:48,496 --> 00:04:53,293
Also a blanket.
The AC in my room's stuck on freeze.
99
00:04:53,501 --> 00:04:57,839
Deliverance, Gator,
and this is him in Cosmo.
100
00:04:58,339 --> 00:05:00,091
How totally hot is he?
101
00:05:00,174 --> 00:05:03,886
I swear to God, you could drown a toddler
in my panties right now.
102
00:05:04,012 --> 00:05:05,888
I mean, not that you would, but--
103
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,265
-Hey!
-[Archer] Shut up!
104
00:05:07,348 --> 00:05:09,392
You're not my supervisor!
105
00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:10,893
Wait, who is my supervisor?
106
00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:12,395
-[Malory] Carol!
-Oh, right.
107
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:15,315
Go get my gray fox out of cold storage.
108
00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:18,860
Burt Reynolds is taking me
to a movie premiere tonight, so--
109
00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:22,655
Help me, God, if you throw
that computer on the floor again,
110
00:05:22,739 --> 00:05:26,909
you'll wake up in a mental ward with
total amnesia under someone else's name!
111
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:29,871
-That's actually kind of scary.
-Eh.
112
00:05:29,954 --> 00:05:31,497
Wouldn't be the first time.
113
00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:34,542
-Archer, hey, about this expense report--
-Not now, Cyril.
114
00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:37,128
Mother is ruining what remains of my life
115
00:05:37,211 --> 00:05:39,505
before a Cuban
hit squad assassinates me, so--
116
00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:41,049
Mata-lo!
117
00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:42,341
[laughing]
118
00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:44,510
-Yeah, laugh it up, Lana.
-I am.
119
00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:46,262
You almost got shot in the face.
120
00:05:46,345 --> 00:05:47,555
-Get off.
-You get off.
121
00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:49,640
Cyril, I'm pretty tense right now.
122
00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:52,769
Because of the Cubans or because
Burt Reynolds is doing your mom?
123
00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:53,895
[laughing]
124
00:05:53,978 --> 00:05:55,855
-Yeah, laugh it up.
-I am.
125
00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:58,024
-Cyril--
-Burt Reynolds is actually banging--
126
00:05:58,107 --> 00:05:59,609
-Ow!
-Archer!
127
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:02,195
-You broke my freaking nose!
-What's that, Cyril?
128
00:06:02,278 --> 00:06:05,448
Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound
of "I broke your nose."
129
00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:08,743
Bullying Cyril isn't gonna make
Burt Reynolds stop shtupping your mom.
130
00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:09,952
He's not doing that!
131
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:12,455
-But even if he is, which he is--
-No, he isn't!
132
00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:14,791
This Cuban hit squad is no joke.
133
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:16,918
If I were you,
I'd lay low in the safe house
134
00:06:17,001 --> 00:06:19,504
for a few days until
we work out a plan to neutralize them.
135
00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:21,672
Oh. Yeah, okay. The safe house.
136
00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:25,176
I'm sorry, your words made sense,
but your sarcastic tone did not.
137
00:06:25,259 --> 00:06:27,553
-Because there are no Cubans.
-Uh…
138
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:29,764
Mother just wants me out of the way
139
00:06:29,847 --> 00:06:32,683
so she can do unspeakable things
with Burt Reynolds.
140
00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:34,602
So, nice try, idiot.
141
00:06:34,852 --> 00:06:38,231
I love it that I'm the idiot.
142
00:06:38,397 --> 00:06:40,733
[Malory] So unless the building
is literally on fire,
143
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,443
none of you are to call me.
144
00:06:42,527 --> 00:06:44,946
-Because, as I may have mentioned--
-Fifty times.
145
00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:48,157
Tonight I will be attending
a movie premiere with Burt Reynolds.
146
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:51,786
-Oh, my God, that totally reminds me.
-This came for you. From him.
147
00:06:51,869 --> 00:06:52,912
And you opened it?
148
00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:55,331
-That's how I knew it was from him.
-Give me that.
149
00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:57,708
"Dear Malory, it's been--"
150
00:06:58,042 --> 00:06:59,919
[gasps, groans]
151
00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:04,340
"Dear Malory, it's been real,
but I'm dumping you for a young starlet
152
00:07:04,423 --> 00:07:07,218
and heading back to Tinseltown.
153
00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:10,555
Do not contact me.
Regards, Burt Reynolds."
154
00:07:10,721 --> 00:07:13,975
[Malory] "Regards"?
They weren't even warmest!
155
00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:17,770
-Wait a minute. Who calls it Tinseltown?
-Carol Channing?
156
00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:21,691
Or somebody who just thinks
that's what movie stars call Hollywood.
157
00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:22,984
Stockard Channing.
158
00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:26,070
Archer. His mother, dating his man-crush?
159
00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:27,780
-I bet Archer kidnapped him.
-How?
160
00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:30,491
Archer goes to Burt's hotel room.
161
00:07:30,575 --> 00:07:31,617
-Archer?
-Burt.
162
00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:35,329
-[Lana] Knocks him out--
-[Cheryl] Archer knocks out Burt Reynolds?
163
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:38,249
-[Lana] With gas.
-Oh, shit.
164
00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:41,752
And then hides him somewhere,
like an idiot kid hiding a lamp he broke.
165
00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:44,672
-You really think he'd do that?
-[Archer] Yes, really.
166
00:07:44,755 --> 00:07:47,592
I'm serious. If you ever go near
my mother again,
167
00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:50,011
I will do something really bad.
168
00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:52,638
Then you should probably
just get it over with.
169
00:07:52,763 --> 00:07:54,599
Don't worry, I-- Wait, what?
170
00:07:54,682 --> 00:07:57,268
Because if you don't kill me
and I get loose,
171
00:07:57,351 --> 00:08:00,146
you're gonna wish you were in hell
with your back broke.
172
00:08:01,272 --> 00:08:03,399
I don't have a response to that.
173
00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:04,984
They never do.
174
00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:07,695
[laughing]
175
00:08:11,365 --> 00:08:14,118
[Malory] It's my own fault.
I should've known.
176
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:17,788
They tell you they love you
and then they just cast you aside
177
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:21,584
when some young starlet catches their eye
with her perky little boobs!
178
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:25,338
Mm. I bet they were perky and big.
Jeez--! Ow!
179
00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:27,715
Why are you torturing her like that?
180
00:08:27,798 --> 00:08:29,675
Why are you asking rhetorical questions?
181
00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:30,718
[sobbing]
182
00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:34,013
-Aw. That's actually kind of sad.
-All right, here's the plan.
183
00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:36,557
I say we go rescue Burt Reynolds,
and as a bonus,
184
00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,726
beat some sense into Archer's
head and ass.
185
00:08:38,809 --> 00:08:40,353
Yeah! Right in the head and ass.
186
00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:44,440
So, Pam, Carol, stay here with Malory.
Everybody else, let's go to Archer's.
187
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:48,152
He's got a Cuban hit squad after him.
Why wouldn't he go to the safe house?
188
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:52,365
A, because he thinks they're imaginary,
and B, the safe house doesn't have a--
189
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:57,036
New hot tub! Fifty jets, hand-hewn
California redwood, no big deal.
190
00:08:57,161 --> 00:08:59,163
The California redwood is endangered.
191
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,706
So? I already got my tub.
192
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:03,000
Woodhouse, Burt Reynolds. Burt, Woodhouse.
193
00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:05,294
-Hi.
-Loved you in Gone with the Wind.
194
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:07,338
Not him. Shut up, get him a drink.
195
00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:08,673
What's your poison?
196
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,591
-Pimm's Cup.
-Odd choice.
197
00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:12,426
Well, the whole thing's pretty odd.
198
00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:14,679
What's odd is you wanting
to date my mother.
199
00:09:14,762 --> 00:09:17,473
-Why is that odd?
-Because you're you, and she's--
200
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:21,102
-Beautiful, smart, funny, successful.
-Mm. Like, one of those, tops.
201
00:09:21,185 --> 00:09:23,938
-Not to mention drop-dead sexy.
-Oh, dear God, yes.
202
00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:26,023
-Woodhouse!
-I shall fetch a cucumber.
203
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,359
-You have to not date my mother.
-Can't do it.
204
00:09:28,442 --> 00:09:30,570
-Can't or--
-Won't, whatever. Pick one.
205
00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:33,781
Well, then here's what's gonna happen.
You'll drink your Pimm's Cup…
206
00:09:33,864 --> 00:09:37,076
-Which is exciting. Never had one.
-Mm-hm. Then I'm gonna knock you out.
207
00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:41,330
You'll wake up in a mental hospital with
total amnesia, under someone else's name.
208
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:44,542
-Hey, now that's an idea for a movie.
-Yeah, I think it already was.
209
00:09:44,625 --> 00:09:46,002
-I wasn't in it.
-Well, maybe not--
210
00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:49,213
Fade in, a mental ward.
White walls, white sheets,
211
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:51,507
nurses in crisp white uniforms,
212
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:54,635
broken men shuffle like zombies.
213
00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:57,847
We see a hospital wristband
on a man's arm, John Doe.
214
00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:03,019
And we slowly tilt up to see a man's face,
Gator McKlusky.
215
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:04,145
[gasps]
216
00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:06,939
And he's looking out the window,
the afternoon sun on his face.
217
00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:10,109
A spark of recognition in his eyes.
'Cause you know what he's looking at?
218
00:10:10,192 --> 00:10:12,278
-No.
-The Okefenokee Swamp.
219
00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:14,030
There's a mental hospital there?
220
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:17,491
Right on the water. And guess
what's tied up out there at the dock?
221
00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:20,244
An airboat! And the head nurse falls
in love with him
222
00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:23,039
and finds out who he really is,
so she helps him escape.
223
00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:25,958
And they get chased by dirty cops,
but in the end they win!
224
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,294
And you just got a screenplay credit.
225
00:10:28,377 --> 00:10:30,087
-For real?
-Yeah, maybe even--
226
00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,089
Your Pimm's Cup, sir.
227
00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:33,758
Doesn't it come in a silver chalice?
228
00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:36,385
Uh, that would be a pimp cup, sir.
229
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:37,511
Oh.
230
00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:40,931
I hate to sound Hollywood,
but could you put my Pimm's Cup in a…
231
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:42,516
Pimp cup? Certainly.
232
00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:44,518
It would be an honor, Mr. Gable.
233
00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:47,021
-[Archer] Maybe even what?
-Executive producer.
234
00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:49,690
Executive producer? But I'm not…
235
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:52,026
falling for that, you big liar.
236
00:10:52,109 --> 00:10:54,695
-You're not gonna make that movie.
-Oh, I absolutely am.
237
00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:59,158
And once your ISIS buddies find out
that you kidnapped me and come find me,
238
00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:01,369
I'm gonna give them all an EP credit.
239
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:04,246
No, you're not.
So drink your stupid Pimm's Cup--
240
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,165
Yeah, where are we with the chalice?
241
00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:08,876
Because nobody is coming for you, Burt.
242
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:11,545
-And especially nobody from ISIS.
-[Lana] Okay.
243
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:14,048
Don't take this the wrong way,
244
00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:17,551
but I'm kind of wondering how
you're gonna be an effective field agent.
245
00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:19,804
Interesting, coming from a woman.
246
00:11:19,887 --> 00:11:21,806
-Excuse me?
-Burn.
247
00:11:21,889 --> 00:11:23,015
[man] Eh?
248
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,975
Look. That's Archer, right?
249
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,937
I think it's him, but he's paralyzed.
250
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:30,773
Looks like this will be easier, huh?
251
00:11:30,856 --> 00:11:32,650
The disabled guy. Kill him!
252
00:11:35,569 --> 00:11:38,864
I mean, don't get me wrong,
I'm all for affirmative action, but…
253
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:41,158
Oh, my God. Okay, first of all--
254
00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:42,993
-Hey, guys?
-[Lana] Zip it, nerds!
255
00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:46,622
I was twice the agent you were when
your legs worked, so don't hand me that--
256
00:11:46,705 --> 00:11:47,998
-Shit!
-What the…
257
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:49,083
Duck!
258
00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:53,379
And this conversation isn't over!
259
00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:54,672
Isn't it?!
260
00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,966
No, no, no! My brand-new van!
261
00:11:57,675 --> 00:12:00,052
Holy shit! Lana! Hang on!
262
00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:02,555
Cuban hit squad! I gotta go!
263
00:12:02,930 --> 00:12:05,391
-Would you go?
-I can't yet!
264
00:12:05,474 --> 00:12:08,394
And now I-- Sorry.
Now I do actually see your point.
265
00:12:08,727 --> 00:12:10,396
[Cheryl] Krieger, go!
266
00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:14,150
Vámonos!
267
00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:19,113
Damn, Krieger can't outrun anything
with all that handicapped shit.
268
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:22,116
I gotta go after them,
but this conversation is not over.
269
00:12:22,199 --> 00:12:23,325
You'll never catch them.
270
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:25,995
-Yes, I will!
-No, you won't. I've seen you drive.
271
00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:28,247
-[giggling]
-You drive like an egg.
272
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:29,874
You think you can outdrive me?
273
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:31,459
-And I'll bet on it.
-Go on.
274
00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:35,546
If I don't catch them,
I will just ride off into the sunset.
275
00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:39,091
Where they don't have telephones
to ever call my mother again ever?
276
00:12:39,216 --> 00:12:41,343
On my word. And if I do catch them--
277
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,262
You keep dating my mother, yeah, got it.
278
00:12:43,345 --> 00:12:45,556
And since we've wasted
a shitload of time already,
279
00:12:45,639 --> 00:12:47,433
I feel pretty good about this bet.
280
00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:50,352
So, let's do this!
281
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:52,813
[elevator music]
282
00:12:58,569 --> 00:13:00,696
-You're kidding me.
-I know, it drives me nuts.
283
00:13:00,779 --> 00:13:02,448
It's like the world's slowest elevator.
284
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:05,075
This is like the world's slowest van!
285
00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:06,994
It's all this handicapped shit!
286
00:13:07,077 --> 00:13:10,664
Jesus, God, I get your point!
287
00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:15,211
You should get a bat-pole.
288
00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:16,754
-Nine thousand bucks.
-What?
289
00:13:16,837 --> 00:13:18,672
-Lowest quote I got.
-That's ridiculous.
290
00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:21,926
For just putting a pole
where the garbage chute already is.
291
00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:25,095
But the co-op board was like,
"But what'll we do with the garbage?"
292
00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:27,056
Yeah, but you could
still throw it down the--
293
00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:29,558
-Whatever, the same shaft.
-I know.
294
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,727
And then you'll have some
garbage to land on.
295
00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:34,063
If you're coming in hot, I know,
it's a win-win.
296
00:13:34,146 --> 00:13:37,316
And you were gonna pay for it yourself,
no assessment or anything.
297
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:38,734
Yep.
298
00:13:39,818 --> 00:13:41,946
-Ridiculous.
-Preaching to the choir, buddy.
299
00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:43,364
-[sighs]
-[elevator dings]
300
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,534
-That's not your car, is it?
-Yeah, why?
301
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:50,120
Nothing, just didn't know
they sold those to men.
302
00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:52,248
-Yeah, laugh it up, Burt.
-I am.
303
00:13:52,414 --> 00:13:54,416
[laughing]
304
00:14:00,297 --> 00:14:02,299
[screaming]
305
00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:06,095
Burt, it's too fast!
You're going too fast!
306
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,472
-No such thing.
-Yes, such thing. Slow down.
307
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:11,767
-[Burt] Don't you wanna help your friends?
-[Archer] I don't care about them.
308
00:14:11,850 --> 00:14:14,562
Yes, you do. You just pretend you don't
because you're afraid of--
309
00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,606
Dying in this freaking car!
310
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:20,109
-[Burt] Emotional intimacy.
-Oh, my God, you--
311
00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:21,527
[Lana] You are such an asshole!
312
00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:24,488
Lana! Lana, we're coming to help.
Where are you?
313
00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:29,368
Heading north on the FDR at 60th.
Getting shot at by your damn Cubans.
314
00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,161
Which is totally not cool!
315
00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:33,330
Great. Now tell her to keep going north.
316
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:36,250
Doesn't matter, we can't catch them.
We're all the way acr-- Oh, shit!
317
00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:37,793
[tires screech]
318
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,670
We'll catch them. I know a shortcut.
319
00:14:39,753 --> 00:14:42,715
-What? How?
-I did a TV series here called Hawk.
320
00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:44,341
I forgot about Hawk!
321
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:47,136
-He was part Indian.
-Right!
322
00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:50,180
[siren blaring]
323
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:53,726
-Whoa. Now it's officially a chase.
-Hooray!
324
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,770
-[Burt] You know what your problem is?
-[Archer] My pants are wet?
325
00:14:56,854 --> 00:15:00,441
You only see your mother as your mother.
But she's also a person.
326
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:03,193
She has hopes and dreams
and fears and needs.
327
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:04,445
Don't make it weirder.
328
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:07,656
Not sexual needs-- Well, maybe those too.
329
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:12,536
But personal, professional, all that stuff
that makes a person who they are.
330
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:15,664
-And until you-- Oops. Hang on.
-What?
331
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:22,463
Holy shit! Burt Reynolds!
332
00:15:22,546 --> 00:15:25,841
Hey, if you just pay attention,
you might just learn something here.
333
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:30,137
I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound
of my giant throbbing erection.
334
00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:31,847
[grunts]
335
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,516
-How about now?
-It's gone. I'm all ears.
336
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,602
Good, because my point is--
337
00:15:36,685 --> 00:15:38,896
Oh, wait, wait.
You're gonna wanna see this.
338
00:15:38,979 --> 00:15:40,606
See what? No!
339
00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:41,899
Burt, no!
340
00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:43,108
[laughing]
341
00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:44,944
Please, don't do this.
342
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:48,781
Oh, shit!
343
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:54,620
My pants are now literally wet.
344
00:15:54,703 --> 00:15:57,164
And my point is,
until you can look at your mother
345
00:15:57,247 --> 00:15:59,750
and see her not just as your mother,
346
00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:03,671
but as a person, a real person,
you can't grow up.
347
00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:06,423
-Huh.
-Food for thought.
348
00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:08,759
And if I were you,
I'd come to terms with that
349
00:16:08,842 --> 00:16:11,011
because I plan to be seeing a lot of her.
350
00:16:11,261 --> 00:16:14,556
-Oh, uh… By "a lot of her," I mean--
-I get it.
351
00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:17,893
But I guess you're out of luck,
because we had a…
352
00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:19,812
…bet. Goddamn it.
353
00:16:19,895 --> 00:16:21,855
Now what do you say we have some fun?
354
00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:23,273
Whatever.
355
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:24,692
[screaming]
356
00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:26,318
Oh, my God, not the van.
357
00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:29,738
Will you please drive straight?
358
00:16:30,197 --> 00:16:32,032
No, serpentine, serpentine!
359
00:16:32,199 --> 00:16:34,159
[screaming]
360
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:35,369
What?
361
00:16:35,452 --> 00:16:38,080
-Oh, hello.
-Hello.
362
00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:39,748
[giggling]
363
00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:42,584
Holy shit! It's Burt Reynolds!
364
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:43,711
Buenas!
365
00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:46,880
-Now watch what I do right here.
-Yeah, duh, I only invented it.
366
00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:50,759
-Oh, well, nice to meet you, Hal Needham.
-Whatever.
367
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:52,845
[tires screeching]
368
00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:58,434
[men screaming]
369
00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:00,978
-[laughing]
-That was actually pretty sweet.
370
00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:05,190
Oh, looks like we're in danger
of a frown turning upside-down.
371
00:17:05,274 --> 00:17:07,026
Cut it out, that tickles.
372
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:08,569
-[laughing]
-Burt, come on.
373
00:17:08,652 --> 00:17:09,945
[giggling]
374
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,280
Cut it out.
375
00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:13,782
-Burt, watch the goddamn road.
-Oh, shit.
376
00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:15,909
Sorry about that.
377
00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:18,370
You should be.
That was totally irresponsible.
378
00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:19,788
[gun cocking]
379
00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:25,002
[all screaming]
380
00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,048
-Kick-ass!
-Stupid villains!
381
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,466
Wait, was that the same footage?
382
00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:31,884
[giggling]
383
00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:34,303
-[Lana] Thanks, Burt!
-Anytime, darling.
384
00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:37,097
But you probably wanna go ahead
and slow down.
385
00:17:37,264 --> 00:17:38,390
[Lana] Oh, shit!
386
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:40,809
-Krieger, brakes!
-[Krieger] I am!
387
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:43,729
-They're not doing anything!
-We're gonna die!
388
00:17:43,812 --> 00:17:47,274
-A round must have cut the brake line!
-That's okay, I got it.
389
00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:48,901
What do you mean you g-- Oh, shit!
390
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:50,652
[tires screeching]
391
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:52,821
Um…
392
00:17:57,534 --> 00:17:59,078
-[both grunt]
-Hang on, everybody.
393
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:02,498
[all screaming]
394
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:05,000
[laughing]
395
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:14,802
Everybody okay?
396
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:16,345
-I'm okay.
-I may need a doctor.
397
00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:19,723
Okay? No, we're not okay!
398
00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:21,975
Look at Vanispheres!
399
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:23,894
No, we okay.
400
00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:25,229
Don't you touch me!
401
00:18:25,312 --> 00:18:28,941
-Uh-- Is that a ghost?
-No, no, it's-- Never mind.
402
00:18:29,024 --> 00:18:30,442
We're good. Thank you, Burt.
403
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:33,362
Oh, no, don't thank me, thank, uh…
404
00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:35,906
-Uh, you--
-Right, right.
405
00:18:35,989 --> 00:18:37,908
Now, if you'll excuse me,
406
00:18:37,991 --> 00:18:40,160
I think we can still make
that movie premiere.
407
00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:42,538
[gasps] You're taking me to the premiere?
408
00:18:44,748 --> 00:18:48,043
Leave me for some hot little 20-year-old?
409
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:51,130
Well, I'll show him.
I'll go find me a 10-year-old!
410
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:53,465
-Ew!
-Yeah, I don't think you wanna do that.
411
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:56,718
-Shut up.
-Okay. Taxi!
412
00:18:57,386 --> 00:18:58,679
[tires screeching]
413
00:18:59,012 --> 00:19:00,764
-You!
-Malory, wait, I can--
414
00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:03,809
-Save it! Nobody wants your…
-Mother, Burt--
415
00:19:03,892 --> 00:19:06,270
Mustache rides around here, buster!
416
00:19:06,353 --> 00:19:10,566
Oh! Oh, my God.
Listen, Burt didn't write the note. I did.
417
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:13,569
-You what?
-I know, I'm sorry, I--
418
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:14,820
Ow. Ow. Ow!
419
00:19:14,903 --> 00:19:16,613
What is wrong with you?
420
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:18,699
A lot, actually. He's kind of a mess.
421
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:22,828
I am too. Look at me. Raccoon eyes…
422
00:19:22,911 --> 00:19:24,163
I think you look beautiful.
423
00:19:24,329 --> 00:19:27,749
And I for one would love
to walk you down the red carpet.
424
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:31,378
And I for one would be delighted.
425
00:19:32,045 --> 00:19:33,672
Have a good time, Mother.
426
00:19:33,755 --> 00:19:35,340
And I honestly mean that.
427
00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:36,967
Oh, blow it out your ass.
428
00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:38,427
[laughing]
429
00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:39,595
[gasps]
430
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,263
Oh, Burt!
431
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:45,726
Oh, Burt Reynolds is so freaking awesome.
432
00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:47,978
Yeah, he actually kind of is.
433
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:53,567
And I for one am gonna go watch Hooper
and masturbate till my fingers bleed.
434
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:56,612
Just tape them up.
435
00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:59,156
[theme music playing]
34025
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