Original subtitles

[beeping]

Tovald Utne.

[Archer] The olympic shot putter?

The chairman of the U.N. Intelligence committee.

Do you not even skim the briefings in your inbox?

I have an inbox?

Utne, decides which spy agency gets the, insanely lucrative, U.N. contract.

And as you may or...

...probably don't know, for six years running, the contract has gone to ODIN.

Ugh, the Organization of Douchebags in-in--

Wait, I had something for this.

Douchebaggery notwithstanding-- - Nowhere still.

Their ground floor isn't a laundromat! - Wash and fold.

ISIS needs that U.N. contract. - Technically.

So I am going to woo Mr. Torvald Utne.

Gross.

With a dinner party, tonight.

And, you're uninviting me in advance? - Normally, yes.

But this party is different, and very important.

So, absolutely nothing can go wrong.

Well then, we better keep Doctor Bellows away from Jeannie.

No. No dates. - From I Dream of Jeannie.

No one is bringing a date, so don't you bring a date.

Okay, but I don't want to get there and be the only one without a date.

And I don't want another one of your sullen whores

using my medicine cabinet like a...

...a Pez dispenser!

Peggy, you will probably kill me for this, but Senator,

we now have a subway muse... [grunt, thud, splash]

[gasps]

If... Are you still big into trains?

That wasn't her fault.

Who puts Oxycontin in a Xanax bottle?

People with servants! Idiot.

But if they're stealing pills, how does it help to switch the label?

Because, they can't read English!

[chuckles] Okay.

I'm gonna leave you to think about that whole line of reasoning...

You think about it. - ...and whatever scheme you're hatching for this dinner party.

There's no scheme hatchery.

[man] Hello.

[speaking German]

Do you mind? It's the caterer.

[Archer] Right. Okay. Sure.

[Malory] Your instructions are clear?

[in German accent] Ya, ya, no problem.

Mhmm. [phone ringing]

Op! I have another call.

Ya, okay. [beep]

Hello. Oh. [man with Russian accent] Hello?

Da, da.

[Russian accent] So, your instructions are clear?

- Da. - Excellent.

Uta, get dressed. We work tonight. [woman groaning]

[woman] But Manny, what about the fantastic--

Tomorrow, liebchen, I promise. But-- [sighs]

You brought this ridiculous thing?

Is it so ridiculous to ready my body

for the baby? Huh? - Uta, please

do not start this.

Just ready your body for work, hmm.

Fine. What is the job?

Two jobs.

The first, we make a big phony attempt

to kill, Torvald Utne. - Okay.

And the second?

We kill Torvald Utne.

[theme music ¶]

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[Malory] So, your instructions are clear?

[Mannfred] Drinks, und fish balls.

You ring first bell for dinner, und on second bell,

I come out all, John Vooie.

Screaming crazy und shooting blanks.

Then, I throw myself in front of Utne,

shielding him with my supple body as you're gunned down by ISIS agents.

Who are also shooting blanks.

Mmhmm. - Und loud ones.

Because, for Utne to buy it everyone must act surprised.

Oh, I'm sure they will.

Yeah, me too. - Manny. [door closes]

I have a bad feeling for this.

Why? Only I will have real bullets.

This is taking chocolate from a baby.

Oh no. We won't give our baby chocolate.

[scoffs]

He can have carob.

[Cheryl] Thanks for inviting us to your swanky dinner party, Ms. Archer.

Yeah, I could get used to this. - Don't.

You're only here because, I may need you to take one for the team.

Torvald, is an incorrigible poon-hound.

[Torvald laughing] Those are enormous in size.

Oh, well, uh... Thank you.

Kind of. - May I please cup one, in my hand?

Ooh, see, here's the thing. - We're actually together.

Zero, go get some gravlax.

Torvald, feel free to cup anything in the room.

Uh...

Oh! You were talking about my guns.

It's strange that you wear them to a party.

You know, normally I wouldn't, but Malory-- - But that's ISIS for you.

Always primed and ready for action. [groaning]

[Torvald] This is good to know.

Yeah, how about that?

Which is why you should consider ISIS for the U.N. contract.

Our agents are highly trained in many disciplines.

Hu ah! [grunting]

Like Krav Maga.

My ra-- Oh my arm! - Lana?

You're breaking my arm. - Lana!

Oh, I'm sorry. Did that hurt?

Did it hurt? What is wrong with you?

Nothing but too much enthusiasm,

for the opportunity to serve the U.N.

And hands like the Truckasaurus. - Hey!

Gravlax anyone? No!

No gravlax!

I need painkillers.

Zero, in my medicine cabinet. Wait. [crying out]

I have to get it myself, just... [doorbell]

...right after I get that.

Hello.

You're late. - What is that smell?

Gravlax, and failure!

I think Lana just broke Torvald's hand.

[mockingly] Truckasaurus.

[laughing] And, we won't win that contract if--

Who, on God's green Earth, dressed you?

Nobody. That's why I'm late.

Woodhouse, just disappeared.

[Woodhouse] Only temporarily, sir.

Why are you here?

Actually, sir, I'm with Karina. - Who?

Karina. [sighs]

I changed it again.

I feel that, Karina, better captures my sensual womanhood.

Yeah, she so totally does.

And you said, no dates.

I said no such thing. - Well, your mouth did.

Well, your mouth better get over there and make Torvald happy.

Um, phrasing.

Regale him with exciting tales of ISIS exploits.

Take his mind off Lana's huge Johnny Benchy and fingers.

Can we get off my fingers? - Yeah, they are pretty big.

First time I've heard you complain. - Hayoo!

Seriously, who wants gravlax? - Sterling, go!

Regale him. [Pam laughing]

I think he's already being regaled. [Pam] Meatballs!

Oh, for-- Torvald!

Bet you get that a lot, huh Torvy?

[Malory] Pam! - Swedish meatballs.

Get away from me you disgusting woman.

Wow. So even, Pam, got a date. - A man even.

But, suave master-spy Sterling Archer, stands alone.

Just like the cheese. [Archer] I have a--

And a very handsome cheese at that, sir.

I don't even know how you got out, Woodhouse. - [whispering] Alone.

And I do have a date. - You do?

Where is she? - She is parking.

Oh yeah? What's she driving, a Snuffleupagus?

[mocking laughter] Uh, oh wait.

Uh, with all that, sexy European lingerie modeling... - Mhmm.

...to pay for her European med school that she's going to... - Okay sure.

...she probably never had time to learn to drive.

She sounds fabulous.

Gravlax? - Thanks, no.

I'm allergic to cat piss.

Go away.

[Nikolai on phone] So your instructions are clear?

[in German accent] Why must you micromanage everything?

Ya, ya, okay. [beep]

Manny. [speaking German]

You know what second-hand smoke does to a fetus.

Uta, after we kill Utne,

we need to have a very long, und serious talk.

[Torvald] No, I need a painkiller, not a--

Torvald. - What is that, a calcium supplement?

Trust me dear, these work wonders.

Okay, but what have I seen,

ISIS is a distant second to ODIN. Very distant.

Well, what about the groundbreaking work Dr. Krieger is doing for ISIS,

in our applied research division? - Yeah.

Tell him about the sex robot. - The what?

Yes, the-- What? - I call him, Fist-roboto

But it doesn't just fist. - What. - Pam.

Tell him. - He's a fully integrated

multi-fetish, artificial being.

That is the most disgusting-- [Krieger] Shut up! Sh-Sh.

And the best part, is that he's learning.

ISIS, clearly, is not the agency for us.

Rotten gravlax, sex-bots, and uh, except for the nigress,

The women are-- - Willing to do whatever it takes.

Still gross.

And such rudeness. - Mr.Roboto wouldn't take that.

It's just too damn sensitive.

As, also, am I.

So if you will excuse-- - There, there.

Let that calcium citrate seep into your bones.

What about Tranet?

She said that?

How 'bout Jade?

Ew, no. Nevermind.

Destiny?!

No she's not passable.

With that Adam's apple, she looks like she swallowed a Rubix cube.

[Woman] Excuse me, sir.

I... [beep]

You are looking for a date?

Are you working?

Mmm, you could say that. Yes.

[Archer] Then, we need to lock down your cover story.

And, uh... I need to hit an ATM.

[Malory] Torvald, please. Don't go yet.

You haven't even tried the fish balls. - No need.

There's plenty of fishiness going on at ISIS without your balls.

Maybe I should go say something. - Yeah.

Where's the damn fish balls, already?

I could kill for some food. - Sure it wouldn't be the first time.

Lana. - No!

I just meant like, she literally killed somebody and then--

And then ate their corpse. Yeah.

I saw where you're going with that.

You know-- - When I served in the king's African Rifles,

the local Zambezi tribesmen, called human flesh,

long pig.

Never much cared for it.

Torvald, at least stay for dinner.

I think you'll be very surprised by--

I detest surprises.

Which is why the contract will remain, with ODIN.

Manny, do something.

Utne is leaving. - Okay, okay.

We go ahead of schedule.

Find some Tupperware. We take food to go.

But, you promised me Ruby Foo's.

Ya, I also promised you a baby. How's that working out for you?

Hey, does that cook seem weird? - Normal weird or German weird?

Now, good night, and good evening you...

...beautiful girl.

Hello. - You're not, um, leaving are you?

No, not if you're staying, Miss...?

Oh, um... - Hubsch.

Yup. - Elke Hubsch.

A pleasure, my dear.

I am Torvald-- - Utne. I know.

I am a great admirer. - Really? - Really?

You know he's not the shot putter, right?

Of course he's not the shot putter.

But I am sure he is very strong.

[chuckling]

Unlike these drinks. Come, my dear.

Let us find something potable.

Woah, wait a minute.

Hey, Utne! Utne! - Will you shut up?

We just need to keep Torvald happy until dinner.

Yeah, and what about my happiness, Mother?

Well?! - Oh, was that not rhetorical?

[laughing]

[speaking German]

The Needle? Why is she here?

Oh, that Russian prick. He sent two teams again.

And if the Needle kills Utne, we won't even get our per diem.

But what if you killed them both?

Oh. Ya, I could do this.

[Archer knocking] Hey, help. Help.

Help with what, sir?

No, I was addressing you as help.

What's the story on those fish balls?

Coming right out. - Well hurry it up, all right?

All I've had today is like six gummy bears, and some scotch.

Gott im Himmel. - This is why I don't get you nice things.

Not that, him. Uta, that was Duchess!

That, was Duchess?!

Ya, the deadliest agent there is.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe they fell for that.

But if he's on the plan of frãulein Archer, then-- - What if her plan

is a big, fat set up?

What if they mean to kill us? [gasp]

Manny, the baby.

[sighs] Okay.

So now we go to plan, Mannfred. - And then, Ruby Foo's.

Well, we will see.

Really, a European lingerie model?

Only to pay for European med school.

[giggles]

Like to get a physical from her. - Or with her. [chuckles]

Ow, ow, ow, ow! - I wonder if Dr. Panty-model

knows how many pounds of pressure it takes to snap a human collar bone.

She probably uses the metric system.

Yeah, what do they use, kilowatts?

Uh, no.

In this case it would be pascals.

Ugh, hey, Europe, be gayer. - Lana!

Release him! - As you wish.

[coughing] I find your lack of faith disturbing.

I find your mannish hands disturbing.

I think they're kind of sexy.

Excuse me? - They're fingers, Pam.

Not Kielbasas. - But, keep them limbered up.

I have a big surprise planned for dinner,

and I need you ready, locked, and loaded. - Yeah.

So, do you maybe wanna let us in on your little scheme hatchery?

No.

[grunting] If I were 20 years younger.

I can make you feel like you are.

I would like, I think, that very much.

Well then, go find an ATM. - I'm sorry?

Oh, me too. I must leave for a moment.

Excuse me. - Yeah, sorry. Don't mind me.

Hey, are you having a good time? - Oh, I am.

Good to hear. Please, excuse us.

Mhmm.

Keep her out of the medicine cabinet.

One more dead body in here and that bitch,

Trudy Beekman, will have me right back in front of the co-op board.

Wow, you don't get along with your neighbors anywhere.

Who could get along with a woman who wallpapered her guest bathroom

with vintage New Yorker covers?

Yes Major, I am in position and ready to eliminate the target.

[Nikolai] Excellent.

ODIN will find it much harder to bribe a dead man for the U.N. contract.

And I will find it much more enjoyable, to work with the woman who runs ISIS.

What do you mean, with?

Against! Obviously.

Duh. - Obviously.

And though, I still think you should let me kill everybody here.

Nyet! Under no circumstances are you to harm the hostess!

Um, who-whose name I have no way of knowing.

[Sterling] Hey! What the hell are you doing?

Uh... Botox.

Not from the medicine cabinet! No, don't use this.

She switches all the labels on her medicine. - Why?

I don't know. I think there's like

a racial component.

But, for all we know, this could be insulin.

Oh, your mother is a diabetic?

How should I know?

[Uta] Why don't you just pour it on everybody's?

Because, our employer was very clear.

We are not to harm the hostess.

But, her, I want to poison most of all.

Are you lazy Huns ready or what?

[giggling] Oh hello. Yup.

Good. So on the second bell--

I come out shooting blanks.

See? Uta, is just polishing the gun.

Give me that!

Some idiot, dropped a fish ball on my Azerbaijani rug.

[door closes]

[laughing] I am that idiot.

Ack, why are you so immature?

I'm 19.

Elke, is everything all right?

Wunderbar, Torvald. How are you?

I am fantastic, my dear.

Those calcium supplements are amazing!

You're gonna need some calcium after I... do something bad to your bones.

[Nikolai] Hello? - Hello?

Can you hear me? - What?

Come in. - Wait, what the hell?

What is the frequency?

Kenneth? - Turn off, turn off, turn off!

W-what? I can't hear you, tiny man.

Wh--Oh great. Thanks, Mother, for replacing the baby aspirin with LSD.

God, that is just, classic her.

[Malory] Places everyone.

Is everyone comfy?

[all chattering] Sterling and Lana.

You both have a clear line of sight to the kitchen?

Yes. - Sure, I think so.

Well, then let's eat.

[bell rings] First bell.

Wow. Forgot how much I hated that.

Oh, that's right.

I kept it on the night-stand to wake Nanny, whenever Sterling, wet the bed.

[all laughing] - Mother!

Wait, whose bed?

It was always, don't ask, don't tell.

[Sterling] Woodhouse! What are you doing?

Sitting down, sir. - What, at the table?

[Malory] Sterling. - Like people?

Sterling! - What?

Look, he thinks he's people.

This, Archer, is a gigantic douchebag.

Oh, Torvald. Who cares about him?

[gasps] Oh.

Woodhouse, dear, please have a seat.

Very kind of you, ma'am. - Shut up.

Torvald, a toast? - Sure, go crazy.

[groaning] Then, um... hurray.

[Sterling] Wow. - Dig in.

And, what is this we're eating?

It smells vaguely poisonous.

It does smell vaguely poisonous.

Are you sure she has the right plate?

Pretty sure. - Oh, Uta!

What?

I am pretty sure.

[sighs]

Don't worry. This is a normal smell.

This is called, Janssons fristelse. - Fristel--

Yes, fristelse.

It means... [smells] ...temptation.

Oh, Torvald. I am very tempted.

Yes, and I am tempted to give ISIS the U.N. contract, Malory.

Hmm?!

I mean, you are?

Well, that depends on your fristelse.

Mmm. - Tell me, my dear, is it tempting?

[choking] - Elke, what is the matter?

A-Are you?

[collective gasp]

Umm... - What?

That's the wrong plate. Uta.

[mocking] Uta.

That's how you talk.

Perfidy!

[stammering] No, Torvald, there's no perfidy.

You, poison my food over a contract?

Torvald, I swear I didn't. - Well, when I am finished with ISIS,

you won't be able to get a contract for a pre-paid mobile phone.

No, no! - I will tear you down, brick by perfidious brick.

[rapid gunshots]

[screams]

It's okay.

It's okay. They're just blanks.

Oh. - Well, see you say that...

But, they were blanks.

Uh. - Weren't they?

Only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment

to explode outwards. - What?

[all gagging] Oh, my God.

Damn it! - What?

Where are those Germans?

[Uta] I should not do this in my condition.

[Mannfred] What condition?

Your only condition is that you are a crazy, stupid girl.

Do not speak to me like a child, Mannfred!

I hate when you do that. - No, I think you like it, ya.

Because, I think you have some serious, und unresolved issues with your father.

Ya? - Ya.

And that is maybe why I date a wrinkled old man, like you. [gasp]

Wow. - I didn't mean that.

No, no, it's okay. - Oh, Manny.

I think we both knew it.

Just strange to hear it out loud.

Oh, for shit's sake.

And, they didn't do one dish. - This is funny to you?

I ate a bunch of that LSD you had labeled as baby aspirin.

That was baby aspirin.

Oh. [Lana] Hey guys?

Wait what? What, uh, what's the plan here?

[sighs] I shall fetch a rug.

No you will not.

That rug was a gift from the Azeri Khan himself.

And besides, we're not going far.

Is that hard to do?

With those big ol' ballpark Franken-fingers?

Shut up.

Hurry up. The Beekmans will be back anytime.

And nobody touch anything.

God, Zero, would you go?

I should be carrying her. - Zero, I paid her, I get to carry her corpse.

[Malory] See? Just look at this bathroom.

[Pam] I kind of like it. Yeah. [Malory] Exactly.

All right drop them there, next to that awful Louis Kaz repro.

[Zero grunting] [porcelain breaking]

Now then, we want this to look like a classic, hooker murder-suicide.

So, Zero! Take Sterling's gun and pump a round into his prostitute.

[Zero] Wait what? [Malory] Everyone shoots the chippy.

[Krieger] Wait, wait, wait... [Malory] That way we're all in it together.

[Zero] Wait. [Malory] Think of it as a team building exercise.

[Zero] But, ODIN gets to go on outward bound.

[Malory] Well, ODIN can suck it!

Now shoot! [Zero] Oh, Jesus.

[gunshot] [Cheryl] Ew. [Malory] You're next.

[Sterling] God, Zero, that was pathetic.

[Zero] Hey shut up. [Malory] Come on, everybody shoots.

[Pam] Hey I wanna go. Bam!

[Malory] Now, Sterling, drop your gun between the bodies-- [Sterling] Yeah, no.

Have you ever seen CSI? This is already like, clue town.

[Malory] Not for long. Dr. Krieger, dear.

[Sterling] What? Oh. [liquid sloshing]

[Malory] Zero, call 911 from their phone and leave it off the hook.

And, Sterling... [Sterling] But, this gun, it was a gift.

[Malory] Oh please, nobody gives you gifts.

[Sterling] You don't know. [gun clatters]

[Malory] Whatever you say, dear. Dr. Krieger?

[lighter clicks]

[all shout]

Now, then-- [Sterling] We still didn't get the U.N. contract.

[Malory] Oh, but I will.

And, I'll get to see Trudy Beekman

try to explain this little barbecue to the co-op board.

[Woodhouse] That smell takes me back. Just like a Zambezi feast.

[Pam] Yeah, I'm kinda hungry.

Is that weird? [Malory] It would be weirder if you weren't.

[Zero] Well this torte's a winner, Malory.

What was that name again?

Clod Caca.

[laughing hysterically]

[all laughing]

Stop it!

I'm sorry that... that's a funny word.

Oh, I thought we were laughing at the dead people we set on fire.

[laughing]

Sorry.

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