Original subtitles

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MALORY ARCHER. [ CHUCKLES ]

YOU GET MORE BEAUTIFUL EVERY TIME I SEE YOU. Malory: [ CHUCKLES ]

OH, GUSSY. YOU MINX.

YOU'LL BE THE DEATH OF ME YET.

BUT IF I DIE, LET IT BE WITH THE NAME OF THIS DUSKY JEWEL UPON MY LIPS.

Malory: LORD FELTCHLEY, MAY I PRESENT MISS LANA KANE?

YES, YOU BLOODY WELL MAY.

Lana: UH, IT'S SO NICE TO, UH -- WOW, OKAY.

THAT'S, UH, KIDSKIN YOU'RE SLOBBERING ON, SO -- OKAY.

WOULDN'T WANT TO OFFEND THAT BOYFRIEND OF YOURS, EH, WHAT?

Cyril: OH, NO OFFENSE TAKEN, YOUR LORDSHIP.

GLAD TO HEAR IT, WHOEVER YOU ARE.

Cyril: CYRIL FIGGIS, ISIS COMPTROLLER.

Lana: AND ALSO MY -- Cyril: BOYFRIEND.

Lana: PERSON I'M DATING. WE DATE.

NO, YOU DON'T. NO, NO, NO.

YOUR MAN'S A RAKISH CHAP.

AIR OF MYSTERY, CHISELED GOOD LOOKS.

Lana: OH, I THINK MAYBE YOU MEAN MY EX.

Cyril: ARCHER.

ARCHER! EXACTLY JUST! Cyril: UH, THAT'S --

AND IF MEMORY SERVES, NOT ONLY HANDSOME BUT ALSO --

Archer: [ Slurring ] A SECRET AGENT!

Malory: [ SIGHS ]

Archer: THAT'S WHAT I AM.

AND I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE SAYING THAT, BUT YOU HAVE A CERTAIN

THICKNESS ABOUT YOU THAT I FIND VERY APPEALING.

WELL, I FIND YOUR DRUNKENNESS VERY UNAPPEALING.

Archer: I AM DRUNK OR I WOULDN'T BE TALKING TO YOU.

SO IF YOU'LL PLEASE EXCUSE ME --

Archer: HEY, COME ON. DON'T BE LIKE THAT.

[ ALL GASP ] OOPS.

Malory: STERLING, LOOK OUT!

FELTCHLEY! Archer: OH.

YOU DIRTY SASSENACH!

WE IRISHMEN WILL NEVER BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ENGLISH CROWN!

UGH!

[ APPLAUSE ] Archer: YEAH!

OOH LA LA. STERLING ARCHER.

Archer: THAT WAS TOTALLY NINJA!

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

Lana: YEAH, IF YOU'RE, UH, INTO THAT.

Cyril: LANA... Lana: HMM?

Cyril: HON... Lana: HUH?

Cyril: HELLO! Lana: HEY!

WHAT'S UP, BUDDY?

Cyril: UH, NOTHING.

Malory: OH, DEAR.

GOOD SHOW, ARCHER!

YOU REALLY SAVED MY BACON.

Archer: HEY, COME ON.

YOU KNOW I'D NEVER LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO YOUR BACON.

I LOVE YOU, SANTA CLAUS!

WHAT?

Archer: [ Whimpering ] I DO.

Malory: CYRIL, WE'VE GOT BIG PROBLEMS.

Cyril: WELL, IT MAY SEEM DAUNTING NOW.

BUT IN THE LONG RUN, THE HSA MAKES A LOT MORE SENSE THAN FLEX ACCOUNTS.

Malory: I DON'T MEAN THE HEALTH PLAN...UNLESS IT COVERS WANDERING-EYE SYNDROME.

Cyril: WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON IF THAT'S A REAL THING.

Malory: OH, IT'S VERY REAL, AND LANA HAS IT.

Cyril: WAIT. WHAT?

Malory: CYRIL, I KNOW YOU SAW HOW SHE LOOKED AT STERLING LAST NIGHT.

Cyril: WELL, I THINK SHE WAS JUST SHAKEN UP.

Malory: STIRRED UP, CYRIL, IN THE LOINS.

Cyril: YOU -- YOU THINK HER LOINS WERE STIRRING.

Malory: IF NOT FROTHING.

Cyril: FROTHING? OH, GREAT.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Malory: WE SHOULD MAKE YOU INTO SOMEONE FOR WHOM LANA'S LOINS GET EQUALLY FROTHY.

Cyril: AND HOW EXACTLY WOULD WE DO THAT?

Malory: WELL, SHE'S OBVIOUSLY ATTRACTED TO MEN OF DANGER.

Cyril: LIKE ARCHER. Malory: EXACTLY.

Cyril: THE PERFECT FIELD AGENT.

Malory: SO WHO BETTER TO TRAIN YOU TO BECOME ONE?

Cyril: ARCHER TRAIN ME TO BE A FIELD AGENT?

Malory: HE'S ALREADY BEEN BRIEFED, BUT ONLY ON THE "WHAT," MIND YOU, NOT THE "WHY."

NO SENSE IN TELLING HIM IT'S ABOUT LANA.

Cyril: LANA -- BOY, WAIT TILL I TELL HER ABOUT THIS. Malory: NO!

CYRIL, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE IS LANA TO KNOW ABOUT OUR LITTLE...PLAN.

Cyril: RIGHT.

I THINK -- OH, BUT ABOUT PLANS.

HEALTH PLAN SWITCHOVER --

Malory: I'LL TAKE CARE OF WHATEVER THAT IS.

YOU JUST CONCENTRATE ON YOUR TRAINING.

Cyril: AND ARCHER'S REALLY OKAY WITH THIS?

Malory: OH, NOT AT ALL, WHICH IS JUST GRAVY.

Archer: NO, I JUST LET MOTHER THINK THAT BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT

SHE'S UP TO, VIS-à-VIS CYRIL AND LANA AND ME, AND IT'S NOT BROADENING CYRIL'S HORIZONS.

TRUST ME.

MOTHER'S IDEA OF HORIZON BROADENING IS A LOT OF FIGHTS

WALKING HOME FROM A LOT OF JAZZ-TAP LESSONS.

[ BUTTONS CLICKING ]

I SO ENJOY OUR TALKS.

YOU GOT THEM?

THEN THEY'RE LOADED AND READY TO GO?

SERIOUSLY, KRIEGER, YOU ARE MY OPRAH.

SO OBVIOUSLY, I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS WHOLE ARRANGEMENT --

Cyril: BUT YOUR MOTHER IS --

Archer: BUT I WONDER WHAT LANA THINKS ABOUT --

Cyril: OH, LANA'S NOT "NEED TO KNOW" ON THIS.

Archer: WOW, "OPEN PURSE, REMOVE BALLS," HUH?

Cyril: BESIDES, I'M SURE IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU KEPT A SECRET FROM LANA.

Archer: UH, HELLO! HERPES?!

Cyril: YOU GAVE LANA HERPES?!

Cheryl: [ GASPS ]

Cyril: HELLO, CHERYL.

Cheryl: IT'S CAROL.

Archer: WHAT? SINCE WHEN?

Cheryl: SINCE I HAD IT LEGALLY CHANGED BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS CALL ME CAROL.

Archer: WOW, THAT'S --

EXCUSE US. Cheryl: [ SIGHS ]

Cyril: WHAT IS THIS HERPES BUSINESS?

Archer: SORRY, BAD JOKE...

AND A FALSE ALARM.

LESSON ONE, GET USED TO THAT.

Cyril: SHOULD I BE WRITING THIS DOWN?

Archer: NO! NEVER LEAVE A PAPER TRAIL.

THAT'S LESSON ONE. SO DITCH THIS.

Cyril: HEY, THAT'S -- Cheryl: OW!

Cyril: ...MY DEAD MOM'S PEN.

Cheryl: JESUS! Archer: CYRIL DID THAT!

HERE, THIS IS WHAT A REAL FIELD AGENT USES.

Cyril: HUH, POINT'S A LOT FINER THAN I PREFER.

Archer: THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S A HYPODERMIC NEEDLE AND THE

CARTRIDGE IS FULL OF A DEADLY SUPER-TOXIN CALLED POIZOCAINE.

HERE. Cyril: HEY -- WHOA!

Archer: KEEP IT IN HERE, BUT BE CAREFUL. Cyril: WAIT A MINUTE.

THE CAP SLIPS OFF FOR, LIKE, NO REASON.

Cheryl: [ HUMMING ]

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.

Pam: OH, YOU'RE GIVING ME THE CHUCK NOISE, KAREN CARPENTER'S STUNT DOUBLE?

Cheryl: I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE WALKING BACKWARDS.

Pam: IT'S ALL THE HSA SWITCHOVER CRAP.

Cheryl: I'M SO OVER THAT LAME FLEX ACCOUNT.

WHEN DOES THE HSA START?

Pam: WHEN CYRIL E-FILES THESE DD-14s.

Cheryl: OH, MISS ARCHER'S TAKING CARE OF THOSE. Pam: WHAT?!

Cheryl: CYRIL'S OFF SOMEWHERE WITH MR. ARCHER.

Lana: CYRIL'S OFF WHAT?

WITH WHOM?!

Cheryl: I THINK "SOMEWHERE" WAS THE "WHAT" THERE AND "MR. ARCHER" WAS THE "WHOM."

Pam: WORLDS COLLIDE, HUH?

Cheryl: KIND OF INEVITABLE, REALLY, FOR A SERIAL WORKPLACE DATER.

Lana: OH, YEAH!

CALL THE KETTLE BLACK!

Cheryl: DID SHE JUST RACE-CARD ME, OR -- ARE YOU TOTALLY JUST GAY FOR HER?

Pam: I'M THE HUMAN RESOURCES DIRECTOR, LITTLE MISS HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT!

Cheryl: [ SIGHS ]

SHE IS RIDDLED WITH HERPES.

Pam: HEY!

INAPPROPRIATE WORKPLACE TOPIC...

AND ALSO A DEAL BREAKER.

Archer: LESSON ONE -- HUMAN INTEL --

Cyril: SHOOT!

I FORGOT ABOUT THE DD-14s.

Archer: SCREW 'EM!

THAT'S MOTHER'S HEADACHE.

Malory: YOU TELL ME -- DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M ALLERGIC?

Pam: JESUS JONES. YES.

Malory: SO, WHEN I ASKED FOR CUCUMBER SLICES, WHICH ONE OF YOU IDIOTS SENT UP ZUCCHINI?!

Cheryl: UH, WELL, THAT, UH -- WELL, THAT --

Pam: THAT WOULD BE JANE WHO DID THAT.

Malory: SCATTERBRAIN JANE?

Cheryl: I KNOW. SHE'S JUST A MESS.

Pam: BECAUSE THIS IS OBVIOUSLY ZUCCHINI.

Malory: OH, LIKE YOU'D RECOGNIZE A VEGETABLE THAT

WASN'T WRAPPED IN A MONTE CRISTO SANDWICH!

Pam: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

Malory: THAT IS PAM, ISN'T IT?

Cyril: OKAY, SO, HUMAN INTELLIGENCE ENTAILS --

Archer: WELL, THERE'S FALSE FLAGS, DEAD DROPS, DROPOUTS,

CUTOUTS, ACTIVE DOUBLES, PASSIVE DOUBLES, DANGLED MOLES, THE OFTEN UNDERAPPRECIATED HONEYPOT.

Cyril: WOW, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT TO COVER.

Archer: YEAH, SO WE MAY HAVE TO GLOSS OVER ALMOST ALL OF IT.

Cyril: [ GASPS ] Archer: WEAPON!

Cyril: HEY, HON. Lana: HEY, BACK.

WHAT, UH -- WHAT'S THIS?

Cyril: WELL, UH, SEE, UH, HERE'S THE THING.

Malory: [ Echoing ] UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE IS LANA TO KNOW ABOUT OUR LITTLE...PLAN.

Lana: HERE'S WHAT THING?

Cyril: ARCHER'S DD-14... Archer: YEAH.

Cyril: ...THAT WE'RE ON OUR WAY DOWN TO CLEAR UP WITH JANE.

Lana: REALLY? Cyril: WELL, YOU KNOW, SCATTERBRAIN JANE.

Lana: AND YOU'RE COOKING DINNER LATER?

Cyril: YES, I AM. Lana: YEAH.

Cyril: YEP.

Lana: SPEAR GUN?

Cyril: OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT. Archer: YEAH, DUNCE!

NOW JANE'S A LOOSE END.

Lana: HEY, JANE! Jane: [ GASPS ]

Lana: YOU GETTING A SNACK?

Archer: KEEP YOUR STORY VAGUE. THAT'S LESSON ONE.

Cyril: NO, I MEAN, MORALITY ASIDE, HOW DO YOU KEEP TRACK OF ALL THESE LIES?

Archer: PRACTICE, CYRIL.

LYING IS, LIKE, 95% OF WHAT I DO.

Cyril: IN YOUR JOB? Archer: SURE.

Cyril: I GOT TO ADMIT, IT WAS PRETTY COOL HOW YOU HANDLED THAT SPEAR GUN.

Archer: IT WAS PRETTY COOL. Cyril: WILL I GET TO LEARN KARATE?

Archer: KARATE? THE DANE COOK OF MARTIAL ARTS?

NO, ISIS AGENTS USE KRAV MAGA. Cyril: KRAV --

Archer: WE'VE GOT AN EX-MOSSAD GUY. HE COMES IN ON THURSDAYS.

YEAH, TUESDAYS HE DOES A REALLY RIGOROUS SPIN CLASS.

Cyril: SO, WILL I NEED SWEATPANTS?

Archer: CYRIL, YOU NEED ALL NEW CLOTHES.

Cyril: WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE?

Archer: [ LAUGHS ]

SORRY.

OH!

I WAS LAUGHING AT YOUR CLOTHES.

Cyril: WOW, ARCHER, YOU WERE RIGHT.

A TAILORED SUIT HANGS SO MUCH BETTER.

Archer: THAT'S BECAUSE WOODHOUSE IS A GENIUS.

Woodhouse: LIKE SO MANY OTHER GENIUSES, UNAPPRECIATED IN --

Archer: SHUT UP AND HEM, YOU OLD FRUIT!

Woodhouse: SPEAKING OF FRUIT, SIR --

Cyril: OH! SORRY.

Archer: CYRIL!

CYRIL, CHECK THIS OUT.

Cyril: REALLY? Archer: DON'T MAKE IT WEIRD.

IT'S YOUR FRIEND. AND SO'S THIS BABY. Cyril: JEEZY PETES!

Archer: IT'S A CHEKHOV. RUSSIAN-MADE, .25 CALIBER.

Cyril: WHEN WOULD YOU USE AN UNDERWEAR GUN?

Archer: HOPEFULLY NEVER.

BUT SAY YOU'RE IN A CARIBBEAN BUNGALOW AND YOU'RE KIND OF HIGH.

AN EXOTIC WOMAN ON THE BED.

NOW, IS SHE JUST THE HIGH-PRICED WHORE YOU ASKED FOR?

OR IS SHE...AN ASSASSIN?!

Cyril: I DON'T KNOW. [ DOORBELL RINGS ]

Archer: HERE'S ROOM SERVICE. WHO ORDERED CHAMPAGNE?

Cyril: HOW SHOULD I KNOW? Archer: EXACTLY!

YOU'RE BAKED.

YOU CAN'T REMEMBER.

BUT SINCE WHEN DOES IT TAKE THREE HUGE, SURLY JAMAICAN GUYS

TO DELIVER ONE BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE?

Cyril: BECAUSE THEY'RE ASSASSINS, TOO!

Archer: OR MAYBE ONE GUY'S A NEW WAITER, THE SECOND ONE'S

TRAINING HIM, AND THE THIRD'S FROM MAINTENANCE, FINALLY OFF HIS LAZY ASS TO FIX THE A.C.

Cyril: OH. YEAH, I GUESS THAT COULD HAPPEN.

Archer: POINT IS, YOU COME OUT OF THE JOHN WAVING THIS

AROUND, NOBODY'S GONNA BUG YOU FOR A TIP.

HERE. IT'S A GIFT.

Cyril: THANKS.

WOW, THAT IS SLIPPERY.

Archer: AND THE SAFETY'S OFF, SO BE CAREFUL.

IT COULD GO OFF FOR, LIKE, NO REASON.

Malory: NOW, WHAT ARE THESE PILLS?

Pam: OH, JUST ANTIHISTAMINES -- MOSTLY.

Cheryl: YOU JUST REST, MISS ARCHER.

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THESE DD-14s FOR YOU.

Malory: DAMN RIGHT YOU WILL.

IDIOT. Cheryl: [ GASPS ]

PAM, LOOK AT THIS. Pam: HOLY SHIT SNACKS!

Malory: WE HAVE SNACKS?

Cheryl: EVERYBODY'S PERSONAL MEDICAL RECORDS!

Pam: OH, NO, WE CAN'T BE LOOKING AT THIS.

IT'S TOTALLY CONFIDENTIAL.

Cheryl: IT TOTALLY SHOULD BE. LOOK AT THIS.

Pam: OH, MY GOD.

CYRIL TRIED TO GET HIS PLAN TO COVER A PENIS... ENSMALLMENT?

Cheryl: WHO'D HAVE THUNK IT?

Pam: I BET AGENT KANE THUNKS IT PLENTY.

Lana: YOU BET SHE DOES WHAT?

Pam: I BET SHE, UH -- NO, I GOT NOTHING. Lana: THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

YOU SEEN CYRIL? Malory: IS THAT LANA?

Lana: WOW, HAPPENED TO YOU? Malory: SCATTERBRAIN JANE!

BUT LET JUST TELL YOU, OKAY?

YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL YOU HAVE CYRIL.

Cheryl: FOR ABOUT 12 REASONS.

Lana: WELL, THANK YOU, MALORY.

BUT IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D PREFER TO KEEP MY PERSONAL AFFAIRS OUT OF THE OFFICE!

Malory: OH, PLEASE.

SHE'S HAD MORE PENS IN THAT COMPANY INK THAN...A PEN STORE.

Cheryl: AND YET...

[ KEYS CLACKING ]

...DOES NOT HAVE HERPES.

Pam: DEAL UN-BREAKER.

Cheryl: UGH!

Trinette: WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABY?

'FRAID YOU'LL CATCH SOMETHING?

Cyril: NO, IT'S NOT THAT!

I'VE JUST NEVER BEEN THIS CLOSE TO --

Archer: CALL GIRL!

IT'S NOT AN INSULT, CYRIL.

TRINETTE TAKES PRIDE IN HER WORK.

Trinette: I REALLY DO. Cyril: OKAY.

SO COME ON. BUDGE IN.

Cyril: GOSH.

Trinette: NOW, THAT'S NOT SO BAD, IS IT?

Cyril: NO. Trinette: [ GIGGLES ]

Cyril: THAT FEELS PRETTY GOOD. Trinette: OOH, I CAN TELL.

YOU ARE GIFTED.

Archer: GOD, IT'S JUST HIS GUN, TRINETTE!

Cyril: SORRY. BET THIS SEEMS PRETTY WEIRD.

Trinette: OH, PLEASE.

THE SICK SHIT I'VE DONE IN THIS APARTMENT? Cyril: OKAY.

Trinette: AND THAT WASN'T ALL GUN, NEITHER.

Cyril: NO, MA'AM. Archer: HEY, CAN YOU TWO FOCUS -- PLEASE?!

WOODHOUSE, ARE YOU READY, OR WHAT?

Woodhouse: YES, QUITE READY, SIR, THOUGH NOT ENTIRELY WILLING.

Cyril: AND I DON'T KNOW IF I AM, EITHER.

Trinette: COULD HAVE FOOLED ME!

Archer: IT'S PERFECTLY SAFE.

YOU'RE TANGOING, THEN YOUR TRAINED FIELD-AGENT EYES SPOT TWO THREATS.

Cyril: BUT THEY'RE NOT TRAINED.

WE HAVEN'T DONE THIS YET.

Archer: THIS IS HOW YOU TRAIN THEM.

SO YOU SPOT YOUR FIRST THREAT.

WOODHOUSE.

Woodhouse: MY KNEES --

Archer: BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! YOU PUT HIM DOWN.

BUT JUST SHOOT THE PAD, NOT WOODHOUSE.

Cyril: LIKE ACTUALLY SHOOT THE GUN?

Archer: HOW ELSE ARE YOU GONNA LEARN?

OKAY, HE'S DOWN -- JUST THE PAD, THOUGH -- THEN YOU SEE THE SECOND THREAT.

OH, NO, YOU'RE OUT OF AMMO. NOW WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

Cyril: OH, THAT'S WHERE THE TURN COMES IN?

Archer: DUH. WOODHOUSE, GET IN POSITION.

Woodhouse: I REALLY NEED A BETTER HEALTH PLAN.

Archer: SHUT UP.

WEAPON IS HOT, AND LIVE-FIRE EXERCISE, IN...5, 6, 7, 8.

TANGO, TANGO, TANGO.

SCAN THE BALLROOM OF THE CUBAN EMBASSY FOR THE DOUBLE AGENT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MEET.

YOU'RE JUST SOME CANADIAN DUDE DOWN HERE ON BUSINESS, AND...

THREAT! WOODHOUSE!

CYRIL! Cyril: OH! OH!

Archer: SHOOT! SHOOT, BITCH! DEMOCRACY'S AT STAKE.

Cyril: TAKE THAT, FORCES OF EVIL!

WHOA! Trinette: WAY TO GO, BABY.

YOU HIT IT. Cyril: YEAH.

I DID, DIDN'T I? Archer: SECOND THREAT, CYRIL.

Cyril: OH, RIGHT.

JESUS!

Trinette: OW! CHRIST ON SALE!

Archer: YEAH, CYRIL!

THAT WAS TOTALLY NINJA. Cyril: NO, ARCHER.

THAT WAS TOTALLY UNCOOL.

Archer: SORRY, TRINETTE.

DID THAT HURT?

Trinette: YEAH, IT FRICKING HURT, IDIOT! IT'S ICE.

Archer: OKAY, WE'LL USE GRAPES.

Woodhouse: WE'VE ONLY LINGONBERRIES, SIR.

Archer: ARE THEY BALLISTICALLY SIMILAR TO GRAPES?

Trinette: SCREW YOUR GRAPES AND SCREW YOUR WHATEVER BERRIES!

I'M OUT OF HERE! Cyril: NO, WAIT.

TRINETTE, PLEASE.

Trinette: PLEASE MY FAT IRISH ASS! OW!

WHAT THE HELL'S IN YOUR FREAKING POCKET? Cyril: UM...

Trinette: OH, OH.

I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD. Cyril: OH.

[ CELL PHONE RINGS ] ME NEITHER.

Lana: AND VOICE MAIL AGAIN. HUH.

SO, IT'S ME -- DUH -- AND DID YOU SAY YOU'D COOK, OR DID I MISHEAR THAT?

I KNOW I MISHEARD YOU ABOUT JANE, BECAUSE, TURNS OUT, I RAN INTO HER.

Lana: HEY, JANE.

Jane: [ GASPS ]

YOU GETTING A TAMPON? YEAH. LOOSE END.

BUT I'M SURE YOU HAD A GOOD REASON TO LIE TO ME, SO CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR WHAT IT WAS.

Archer: OH, MY GOD! YOU KILLED A HOOKER!

Cyril: CALL GIRL! Archer: NO, CYRIL!

WHEN THEY'RE DEAD, THEY'RE JUST HOOKERS.

GOD, I SAID THE CAP SLIPS OFF THE POISON PEN FOR NO REASON, DIDN'T I?

Cyril: BUT I JUST ASSUMED THAT IF ANYTHING BAD HAPPENED --

Archer: NO, DO NOT SAY THE CHEKHOV GUN, CYRIL. THAT, SIR, IS A FACILE ARGUMENT.

Woodhouse: AND ALSO WOEFULLY ESOTERIC. Archer: WOODHOUSE.

Woodhouse: FETCHING A RUG, SIR.

Archer: NOW HE'S FETCHING A RUG.

HAPPY, CYRIL?! Cyril: NO! NO, I'M NOT HAPPY!

Archer: WELL, GUESS WHAT! ME NEITHER!

I MEAN, BIG PICTURE, I WOULDN'T SAY I'M A HAPPY PERSON.

Woodhouse: SIR, I HAVE FETCHED THE RUG.

Archer: PLUS, NOW I'M OUT OF A RUG.

Cyril: OH, GOD, I SHOULD NEVER HAVE AGREED TO THIS.

YOU AND YOUR STUPID MOTHER AND HER STUPID FROTHING LOINS!

OW!

Archer: I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET, BUT IF YOU EVER MENTION MY

MOTHER'S LOINS OR THEIR FROTHINESS TO ME AGAIN, I DON'T

KNOW WHAT I'LL DO, BUT IT WILL BE BAD.

NOW LET'S GO BURY THIS DEAD HOOKER.

Cheryl: SHIRT TALES! WE NEED A PASSWORD.

Pam: HANG ON A SECOND. HOW YOU DOING, MISS ARCHER?

Malory: I AM GOOD.

Pam: OKAY TRY -- OKAY, TRY "GUEST."

Cheryl: WELL, THAT'S JUST IDI-- OH, MY GOD.

Pam: I KNOW, RIGHT?

SO HERE LET'S MAKE THE CO-PAY ZERO AND THE DEDUCTIBLE --

Cheryl: SUPERHIGH, RIGHT?

Pam: NO. LOW.

YOU WANT THE LOWEST DEDUCTIBLE.

Cheryl: BUT DON'T YOU DEDUCT IT ON YOUR TAXES OR SOMETHING, SO YOU WANT MORE?

Pam: AND PEOPLE THINK JANE'S STUPID.

Cheryl: SPEAKING OF, IT'S PROBABLY BETTER...IF JANE WAS THE LAST ONE TO LOG IN.

Pam: YOU ARE A BITCH.

Malory: I AM NOT!

WHY, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT STERLING TO END UP WITH A WOMAN LIKE LANA KANE?

MY GOD, A BLACK...

OPS FIELD AGENT?

Pam: THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING IN A WHOLE OTHER DIRECTION WITH THAT.

Malory: BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU, I WAS BLACK OPS, AND THAT

DOES NOT, FOR A YOUNG BOY, A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS MAKE.

Woodhouse: "AJAX A SUCCESS.

TEHRAN IS OURS. STOP.

MERRY XMAS FROM MOMMY AND UNCLE KERMIT. STOP."

ALSO, UH, BE NICER TO WOODHOUSE. STOP.

Archer: YOU MADE UP THAT LAST PART, DIDN'T YOU? Woodhouse: I DID, SIR.

Archer: DOUCHE.

Pam: OH, MY GOD.

Cheryl: I KNOW, RIGHT?

THIS IS THE MOST KICK-ASS HEALTH PLAN EVER.

Malory: AND I THINK I JUST HAD A FLASHBACK, SO...THESE ANTIHISTAMINES ARE INSANE!

Archer: OH, I'M CRAZY?

CYRIL, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO KILLED A PERFECTLY GOOD HOOKER. Cyril: BY ACCIDENT.

WE -- WE COULD EXPLAIN -- Archer: TO WHO, CYRIL?

THE COPS? LANA?

Cyril: SHE'D NEVER FORGIVE ME.

ARCHER, MY LIFE IS RUINED.

Archer: AND ALL BECAUSE MOTHER COOKED UP THIS STUPID

PLAN TO MAKE YOU AN AGENT JUST TO IMPRESS LANA!

IRONIC, ISN'T IT?

Cyril: I'M NOT SURE THAT'S TECHNICALLY IRONY.

Archer: WHAT?!

THIS IS LIKE O. HENRY AND ALANIS MORISSETTE HAD A BABY AND NAMED IT "THIS EXACT SITUATION."

Cyril: NO -- Archer: YES, IT IS!

BECAUSE A MAN LIKE YOU, CYRIL, DOESN'T DESERVE A WOMAN LIKE LANA!

Cyril: YOU BUTTHOLE!

YOU SET THIS ALL UP JUST TO DRIVE ME AND LANA APART.

Archer: WELL? Cyril: SCREW YOU, ARCHER!

Archer: HEY. HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT.

Cyril: EXACTLY.

I'M GONNA FILE A HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT LAWSUIT AGAINST YOU AND YOUR MOTHER AND ISIS --

Archer: WHAT? WHO THE HELL IS THAT?

Cyril: YOUR CONFEDERATES IN OPERATION BUTTHOLE!

Archer: CYRIL, THOSE AREN'T MY CONFEDERATES.

NICE TRY, ARCHER, BUT CYRIL FIGGIS AIN'T BUYING IT.

YOU HEAR THAT?! I AIN'T BUYING IT!

[ MACHINE-GUN FIRE ] OH, MY GOD!

Archer: HOW ABOUT NOW, CYRIL?

Cyril: OH, MY GOD! Archer: FEELING READY TO BUY?

Pam: TO SCATTERBRAIN JANE.

Cheryl: AND TO PLAN-COVERED ELECTIVE SURGERY.

Pam: AND THE BOOB JOB THAT YOU SO NEED.

Cheryl: AND THE ASS-REDUCTION THAT YOU SO NEED.

Pam: AND THE SKINNY-BITCH-ECTOMY YOU NEED.

[ MACHINE-GUN FIRE ] OH, MY GOD, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

Cheryl: WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS? Malory: IMMIGRANTS.

THAT'S ALL THEY DO, YOU KNOW --

JUST DRIVE AROUND, LISTENING TO RAPS, AND SHOOTING ALL THE JOBS.

[ GUNFIRE ]

Cyril: WHO ARE THOSE GUYS?

Archer: HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

KGB, THE STASI, SHINING PATH, THIS GUY I KNOW NAMED POPEYE?

I HAVE ENEMIES, OKAY?!

Cyril: THAT'S BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES YOU!

Archer: WHAT? SERIOUSLY, DO YOU NOT SENSE THAT?

Archer: I AM A PRODUCT OF MY UPBRINGING, CYRIL.

Malory: WELL, I WAS A SINGLE MOTHER, AND IT'S A BIG, DANGEROUS WORLD OUT THERE.

ARE YOU IDIOTS STILL EVEN HERE?

Cyril: SO, WHY AREN'T YOU BETTER AT THIS?

Archer: I AM THE BEST AT THIS, RAIN MAN, OKAY?

I'M LIKE -- Cyril: WHO? JAMES BOND?

Archer: WELL, I DON'T LIKE TO INVITE THAT COMPARISON, BUT, YEAH, BASICALLY.

Cyril: SO DO SOMETHING! Archer: I'M DOING ALL KINDS OF STUFF, CYRIL!

I'M SHOOTING THE GUN, DRIVING THE CAR.

Cyril: I COULD DRIVE BETTER THAN THAT.

Archer: KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.

I'M EJECTING. Cyril: OH, NO YOU AREN'T.

Archer: OH, YES. I AM TOTALLY AM.

STOP IT. Cyril: NO.

Archer: THERE'S GRENADES IN THE GLOVE BOX.

Lana: EXCUSE ME!

YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR TWO GUYS.

THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY TO THE MORGUE.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

Archer: GREAT. Cyril: ARCHER, WHAT AM I GONNA TELL HER?

Archer: WELL, IF YOU LEARNED ANYTHING TODAY, IT WON'T BE THE TRUTH.

Lana: I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE 50 DEAD HOOKERS IN THE TRUNK.

YOU LIED TO ME. Archer: DID NOT LEARN ANYTHING.

Cyril: WELL, YOU SHOT A MACHINE GUN AT ME.

Lana: AROUND YOU.

BECAUSE MY FEELINGS WERE HURT.

WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU LIE TO ME?

Cyril: I JUST WANTED TO SHOW YOU I COULD BE A SUPERCOOL ISIS FIELD AGENT LIKE ARCHER.

Lana: BUT, BABY, DON'T YOU KNOW I...LIKE YOU SO MUCH

BECAUSE YOU'RE EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF ARCHER?

Cyril: WELL, YEAH.

Lana: NOT TO MENTION YOUR OTHER QUALITIES.

Cyril: OH, YOU ARE SUCH A NAUGHTY NELLIE.

Archer: HE JUST GETS A PASS, LIKE MILTON BERLE? Lana: YUP.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

Cyril: HEY, SO, HOW DID YOU KNOW WHERE I WAS?

Lana: WHEN WE FIRST STARTED GOING OUT, I MAY HAVE...

INJECTED A TRACKING DEVICE INTO YOUR BODY.

Cyril: IN MY BODY?

NO, NOW, THAT IS A BREACH OF TRUST, LANA.

Lana: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO OPEN THIS CAN OF TRUST-BREACHY

WORMS, RIGHT AFTER I CAUGHT YOU AND MY EX-BOYFRIEND WITH A DEAD HOOKER IN THE TRUNK?

Cyril: I DO NOT. Lana: YOU DO NOT.

Cyril: OH, AND, ARCHER, HOW'S THIS FOR IRONIC?

[ TIRES SQUEAL ]

Archer: YO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T HAVE A "ONE TO SOME OTHER NUMBER OF DOUCHE BAG" SCALE, SO SIX.

[ METAL POUNDING ]

OH, MY GOD. TRINETTE.

Trinette: YEAH, TRINETTE, YOU SHIT ASS!

Lana: SO, YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO BE PUNISHED.

SO WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO IS WALK INTO OUR VIDEO STORE AND BUY THE

NASTIEST, BAREBACKINGEST, HARD-DICKINGEST, BALL-SLAPPIEST INTERRACIAL PORNO IN THERE.

Cyril: FROM THE SWEET, OLD KOREAN LADY?

Lana: YUP.

HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

Cyril: LIKE I GOT OFF PRETTY EASY.

Lana: NIGHT AIN'T OVER YET.

Trinette: THROW ME IN A TRUNK?! Archer: NOT PART OF THE PLAN.

Trinette: INJECT ME WITH SOME CRAZY SPY POISON?

Archer: IT WAS JUST A HARMLESS TRANQUILIZER.

AND LET'S BE HONEST -- I DOUBT THAT'S THE FIRST NEEDLE YOU EVER -- OW.

Trinette: I NEVER! GIVE ME YOUR WALLET.

Archer: I ALREADY PAID YOU.

Trinette: FILE A CUSTOMER-SERVICE COMPLAINT.

I'M SURE POPEYE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR IT.

Archer: HEY, COME ON. YOU WOULDN'T TELL POPEYE.

Trinette: OH, WATCH ME.

OH, GIVE ME YOUR WATCH.

Archer: YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS THING COSTS?

Trinette: PROBABLY LESS THAN A NEW SET OF KNEECAPS.

Archer: THERE. HAPPY?

Trinette: ALMOST.

[ TIRES SQUEAL ]

Archer: YOU KNOW, I BET THERE'S A LESSON TO BE LEARNED FROM ALL THIS, BUT I --

OH, SHIT! MY RUG!