All language subtitles for Archer_S12E07_Colt Express.en.closedcaptions

[monitors beeping]

[sighs] How much longer
is this gonna take?

I don't know. How long does it take a man
to become a god, Lana?

I don't know. Ten minutes?

I still don't understand why I have to be
this naked in front of Mother.

I don't think you appreciate
what I've done here.

Billions of wires
carrying trillions of data packets,

perfectly and delicately calibrated
to dive into the wet, gross mind of a man.

It all looks pretty mad scientist-y.

Oh, you've even got one
of those big power switches.

That is a precision device
that I've been saving for something weird.

So, Krieger, how does this work?

You gonna transfer his memory banks
into my neuro-brain stuff or whatever?

-I call it the reverse Frankenstein.
-Okay, definitely mad scientist-y.

And you're certain this will give us
the information we need

to rebuild the device IIA stole?

I'm certain it might,
if his brain doesn't explode.

Wait, which "his"? Am I the "his"?

More importantly,
are we in the splash zone?

Shh, quiet! I need total silence
to initiate the sequence.

Sorry I'm late. I was volunteering at
what I thought was a soup kitchen--

-Goddamn it!
-Oh, right, sorry.

Wait, what are we doing?

This guy has some science thingy
in his head that we need for money,

but he's in a coma
and we're almost out of money,

so Archer's gonna go into his brain.

We're broke? Is that why
the vending machine costs money now?

-No, they just finally fixed it.
-We're technically not broke.

Just operating on a leaner budget
now that Robert is tightening the spigots.

Well, money doesn't come from spigots.

So that might be part
of the problem right there.

That, and how much did
you spend on this thingamabob?

You gotta spend money diving into brains
to make money diving into brains.

Speaking of thingamabob,
do I need to be hooked up down there?

Great question. Ka-thunk!

[laughing maniacally]

It's working. It's working!

Here we go, buddy.
See you on your insides.

No, no, no, no, no!

[groans] Whoa.

Wait, what happened? Where did he go?

If by he, you mean me, well, then, ta-da!

Where am I?
I'm getting a sex dungeon vibe.

-You're not far off.
-Metaphorically or geographically.

Did it work? Am I in?

Nope. But, side note,
I know how to cure comas now.

Would have been useful
a couple of years ago.

The soup kitchen was a sex club.

[groans]

[Lana] Can you remember anything about
who you are? Where you come from?

Uh, I think, maybe, your mom's butt?

-Ooh, a funny scientist.
-Come on. I have my moments.

I'm a scientist? Nice.

It's possible the massive electric shock
may have fried a few of his circuits.

Look, science isn't an exact science.

Okay, then let's start simple.
Do you remember your name?

Uh, no.

I bet my name's something cool,
though, like Colt.

Yeah. Let's go with Colt.

Damn. That is cool.

And you're sure you don't want us
to call you Dr. Something or Other?

Ugh. Lame. Trust me. Colt is fine.
Wait! I'm getting something.

A small, blue house,
two children, and a wife.

Ugh. Enough. Colt,
you're a very important scientist

on a very important mission, okay?

To redesign the device
you were transporting in Moldova.

Can do. I'll just grab
this pen and paper, and voilà.

-[Pam] Not bad.
-[Cheryl] But terrible riding form.

Oh, I guess I can't do.

But you know the device
we're talking about?

-What does it do?
-Well, if memory serves--

-And it mostly doesn't.
-It's an energy source.

Properly used, it could eliminate
our dependence on fossil fuels altogether.

What about improperly used?

It could wipe out all life on the planet.

-Science, you crazy bitch.
-[laughs] Yeah.

Oh, God, that must be why IIA wants it.

It's a classic "evil villain
destroys the world

with some sort of weird doomsday device"
plot, obviously.

Oh, hey, wait!
I'm remembering some other stuff.

-One, metal rules.
-Preach, brother!

And two, I left my notes
on a memory stick hidden in the device,

along with a homing beacon.

Did I have a talky-talk on me
when you picked me up?

Okay, I might be able to track it.

-Whoa! Who is this hot piece of ass?
-That would be you.

Ah! Here we go.
The device is in Singapore.

IIA's headquarters are in Singapore.

[sighs] I'll get my checkbook.

-[knocking on door]
-That's my room service!

-We just got here.
-I preordered it from the plane phone.

Damn. How do you say "bitchin'"
in Singaporean?

Actually, the primary language here
is Mandarin.

Did that feel good? Making me feel small?

Yes, it did.

-This place is incredible.
-This was almost our honeymoon.

Maybe an anniversary?

Oh, sure, yeah, maybe. Hey, where's Ray?

Who knows? He's been asking
for a lot of time off lately.

For some family emergency or something.

As if four cats are family.

I'm all for a successful mission,

but first-class tickets,
and a penthouse with room service?

We need to talk about how much
all this is costing.

Later. Everyone, listen up.

Lana, Cyril and I will surveil IIA
and develop an entrance strategy.

This will ping the homing beacon, I think.

-Ah, still a bit fuzzy on the science.
-That's great.

Krieger, stay here with Colt and try
to jog his memory for more information.

Hey, I'll race you to remember.

-Hey, I am a funny scientist.
-Eh.

-And, Mother--
-There has to be a bar around here.

Uh, keep doing what you're doing.

-And, Robert, you're on point here at HQ.
-So what are they doing here?

Um, comic relief?

Thank you so much.

Ah! Are you tipping him $500?

Relax. It's my money, and sometimes
I like to give service people a thrill.

I'm sorry, Miss,
was my service unsatisfactory?

Perhaps this is generous in your country,
but in Singapore, it's--

How would you Americans say it?

-Jack shit.
-What?

Singapore is an extremely wealthy country.

And there he goes again.

Ha! Your money means less.

Wait, am I poor here?

Do you really have
to bring that up right now?

What? All I said was, "Trouble in hell,"

as a play on "trouble in paradise,"
because your husband sucks,

and it seems like you're avoiding him,
which, now that I think about it,

I should've said, "Success in hell?"

-I don't want to talk about it.
-What happened?

Did you tell him about
tongue-wrestling that dude in Japan?

-Jesus, Archer!
-You cheated on Robert?

No!

Well, I almost, sort of,
kissed someone else.

-Oh, my God.
-But that's all that happened!

-Besides the cuddling?
-Not helpful.

-[panting]
-Okay, how about now?

No, I don't think the jogging's working.

Hey, what if you put me back
in the coma and woke me up again?

-A hard reset.
-That's just crazy enough to work.

Or not work. Pretty 50-50.

I think I remember liking those odds.

-God, I love science!
-[Lana] Well, I don't.

[Cyril] Damn it, Lana, if you're making
a cuckold of Robert, he deserves to know!

That is not what's happening!
And who are you to judge?

-You and I both cheated on each other!
-And it broke me!

Not a real high bar.

Cyril, I'm sorry for the past, okay?
But this is different.

I am not the same person I was back then.

Also, I never told you about
any of the times I cheated on you

when we were together,
and trust me, you were way happier for it.

Oh, you never had to tell me.

-[glass shatters]
-[woman giggles]

[Archer] Shh, follow me.
We're gonna go in the bedroom.

Oh! So, anyway, this is what
a king-sized bed looks like.

I'll see you out, Mrs. My Dentist.

-She fell for it!
-[laughing]

Let's just focus on the mission:

infiltrating this weirdly
casual botanical garden.

Wait, I think we did it.

This is the top spy agency in the world.
You can't just waltz right in.

Really? Because it seems to be working.

Bingo. All--

-Clear!
-What the hell are you doing?

Uh, putting the ghost
back in the meat suit. Going again!

[gasps] 1 Bukit Batok Street 25,
Singapore, 658882!

That's my address. I lived here!

Also, I talked to God.
She is real, and she is pissed.

-Sounds like my kind of broad.
-Okay.

Go to that address and see
if he remembers anything else.

-We'll stay here and handle the comms.
-Okay, are you sure you know how?

-Go!
-Don't worry. We've got this.

Sterling? Sterling, it's me.

Sorry, Malory, we have
a similar system at my company.

-I think you're on mute.
-Turn it up!

-Sterling? Sterling! Sterling!
-And to speak, you gotta hold down the--

If you move that hand another inch,

you won't have it anymore.

Thanks for joining the IIA team.

Have a seat and fill out this application.

-Orientation will start shortly.
-Uh, okay.

Well, well, well,
look who just waltzed right in.

We didn't have a choice.

Some IIA drone handed us cucumber waters
and told us not to miss the orientation.

And he complimented my surveilling.

Looks like this is
some sort of recruitment event.

They must be poaching agents
all over the industry.

Welcome. Hey, y'all, come on in.
Come on in, welcome.

-Let's fill up from back to front.
-Wait, Ray?

Archer! Uh, this isn't what it looks like.

Unless it looks like I'm working for IIA,
because then, yeah.

Although technically I'm temp to perm.

Welcome to the IIA family.

You're about to start
the most exciting journey of your lives.

To be honest, I'm jealous.

Ray, what in the Harold Cole?
You're working for IIA?

It's not personal.

I just need a backup plan
in case the agency goes down.

So you've been commuting back and forth
to work part-time in Singapore?

I just borrow Robert's plane.
I mean, that way it's free 99.

IIA may be the world's leading spy agency,

but we only have one mission,

to make the world a better place.

Ugh. Why do all billionaires
have this gross savior complex?

-You're married to a billionaire.
-For now.

-Shut it.
-What are y'all talking about?

-Lana cheated on Robert.
-We just cuddled!

Which is emotional cheating,
which is way worse.

-Yeah, she's a monster.
-Oh, my God. I want to die.

And I want deets!
God, I have missed the hot goss.

-Home sweet home.
-[flies buzzing]

I guess I'm not married with kids.

Hmm. This is your place? "Ooh" and "aw."

As in, I'm in awe of how ew it is.

I guess if I lived in Singapore,
I'd have to live in a hellhole like this.

Probably drowning in my own urine.

Oops, rent notice.

Damn, my rent is $12,000 per month?

Um, wait. Is that a lot?

-Yes!
-Yes!

Whoa! Sweet guitars!

Right? I hope they're mine.

Does any of this spark anything?

Hmm, not yet.

[gasps] Oh, no!

-No! No!
-What?

My name's not Colt. It's Jeremy. Ugh.

-Wait, what's on the back of that?
-Numbers.

Yes! Location coordinates, to be exact.

Let's roll out, bitches.

Hold on. I feel like there
has to be something else.

-I think this might be important.
-Okay, just bring it with you.

And-- And I think this might be important.

The model submarine
and this broken plastic fork

-are definitely important.
-Okay.

And this! The model submarine,
the broken plastic fork

and this poster of an alien in a bikini
are all important.

Sure, fine, now can we just--

And this! This is for sure important.
Oh, God, no!

-[Pam] Wait, what about this?
-No, that's nothing.

But it was hidden in that statue.

[scoffs] Okay, fine.
But you're carrying it.

[Fabian] That's the big question?

Well, here at IIA,

the answer is flipping the paradigm

so we achieve our measurables
with maximum ROI cost-benefit.

Hey, I just got corporate buzzword bingo.

Well, mock all you want,
but Fabian knows what he's doing.

Oh, yeah? And what is that?

Securing a monopoly over the spy industry
so he can corner the market

and gain undue influence
over national and global politics?

He also makes a mean quiche.

It's all just so structured.

-An org chart?
-Hey! Snap out of it.

Right. Bad guys.

Organized, sensible,
401(k)-providing bad guys.

Listen, this orientation
is our chance, okay?

We have to get further into the building

-without drawing attention.
-Good luck.

Security might be breezy out here,

but nobody gets into zone two
without a lapel chip.

It also controls
when we can use the bathroom,

which seems, you know,
like a crime, almost.

Hey! They make us pay for these!

Good God, this guy is lame.
This is supposed to be our competition?

Technically, no. He's crushing us.

You're so lucky this ripped on a seam.
You could've asked me for help, you know.

Could I? Or are you too busy
working for the competition?

-Again, not our competition.
-He's got a point, Ray.

Of course, I'm gonna help you!

I mean, don't get me wrong, the money's
great here, but y'all are family.

I'm gonna try pinging the homing beacon.

[Ray]
That must be the underground warehouse.

Great. Can you take us there?

-Sure thing.
-[chimes]

Oh, I just earned
my bathroom break for the day.

-Who needs a pit stop?
-I could tinkle.

No time. Just pee in your pants.
It's what we trained for.

-[Malory] Sterling, dear, it's me.
-[radio crackling]

[Robert] What is your status regarding
Operation IIA Takedown? Over.

-Damn it!
-[radio squealing, crackling]

-[Malory] Sterling? Sterling!
-Moms, right?

[grunts]

Aw, totally bungling a mission
for avoidable reasons?

Ah, it takes me back.

Well, that was easy.

Hey, what's the form you fill out
for getting your ass kicked?

Looks like 22-C, which entitles them

to free rehabilitation
and up to four weeks sick leave.

Shit! The memory stick
is on the move from the warehouse.

Okay, let's split up.

Lana and Cyril, you get to the warehouse
and rig the device to explode.

Ray and I will find the memory stick
and we'll meet you there.

-Oh, no, why'd it have to be Terry?
-Please, we can take him.

He's just the only friend I've made here.
We eat lunch every day at the same table.

[man] Attention. All agents,
be on the lookout

for suspicious elements.

-[Ray] Oh, buttercups.
-Any weaknesses I should know about?

-He loves pudding?
-Probably won't come up, but okay.

Ah! [grunts]

This isn't personal!

I genuinely value you
as a coworker and a friend!

-Who are you?
-Oh, screw you, guy!

-Guards. Be careful.
-Should we tiptoe?

Like you're tiptoeing around Robert?

-Cyril, I swear to God.
-What will you do if he finds out?

Well, as long as no limp-dicked, four-eyed
nerds run their mouths, he won't!

One, we both know my penis
is generally firm when it needs to be.

And two, I've been hesitant to say this,
but you leave me no choice.

Lana Kane, you are turning into Archer.

And you are turning into a gigantic pain
in my otherwise perfect ass.

There's our target.
Okay, I'll create a distraction--

No, I've got this.
Watch the bureaucratic master at work.

You there!

You can't be on guard duty.
You forgot to fill out your T9-32!

Got it right here, pal.

Oh. But that truck isn't a company asset,
which means you also need a--

A CM-5? Not my first rodeo.

Hey, don't you need a VS-10 to be in here?

Crap. That's good bureaucracy.

-Okay, maybe not the best distraction.
-Ya think?

Just like your emotional affair isn't
the best distraction from the fact that--

Oh, my God! I'm not turning into Archer.

Really? Let's look at the evidence.

You hit on anything that moves,
you party all night and sleep all day,

and you've been taking way too many
gummy women's multivitamins.

Wait, that's an Archer thing?

[beeping]

[alarm blaring]

Damn it, those explosives
were the only way to blow up the device.

-So we'll rig a bomb or something.
-Improvising? Okay, "Archer."

-What?
-Enough!

Everybody enough! If I know IIA,

Diamond Force is probably
coming for us right now!

-Diamond Force?
-The elite kill squad.

-They all wear matching diamond rings.
-Cool.

Well, we can't leave
the device and risk IIA

using it to blow up the world,
which means…

Yeah?

Oh, I had hoped you had something.

This is the nicest parking lot
I've ever seen.

What do you think this space goes for
right here between these lines?

Like, five, six million?

-Do you recognize anything yet, Colt?
-Hold up. I thought his name was Jeremy.

I'm sticking with Colt, damn it!

-[gasps] There, that's it.
-[Krieger] Oh, my God. It's gorgeous!

[Colt] Just installed
a new engine last year.

There's a kegerator in the back,
and she gets three miles per gallon.

But on a good downhill,
I can jack that baby up to four.

How do you remember
nothing about who you are,

and everything about this van?

I mean, I get it.

-Change of plans.
-As usual.

What the-- Ray?

Pam! Guess what?

We don't have time for this.
It's Diamond Force!

What's the plan, Archer?

Uh, swerve until they accidentally
shoot the device and blow it up for us?

Someone get Mother on comms!

I need some cataract-filled
eyes in the sky.

We no longer have comms
because you two destroyed them!

Shouting at me doesn't
make me regret things, Cyril.

Yeah, sometimes you have
to make a call in the moment.

Oh-ho! Of course you'd take his side.

Whose side? Mine?

I am not turning into Archer!

Okay, I really feel like
you guys are talking about me.

-Damn it, will you be quiet?
-Wow, passive aggressive much?

Not the point, asshole.

This is Ray to Old Mother Hen.
Do you copy?

[Malory] What did he say?

-[Archer] Mother!
-It's them! We're back online.

I need you to find me a cliff.

-You look.
-Yeah! Teamwork!

Okay, looking for a cliff.

Let's see, there's a gentle slope.
It's really beautiful country.

Oh, my God, dying over here!

There. The Marina Bay Sands.

There's the incomplete
freeway overpass nearby.

Yes! I can't believe I'm saying this,
but nice work, Robert.

Okay. Everybody in the van.

-Excuse me, his name is Jethro Krull.
-Whatever!

Smooth in-line tracking,

and accurate ceiling constellations?

This van rocks!

Did someone say, "Rock?"

Ragnar Rockingson!

Oh, good, another Krieger.

[grunts]

Get the memory stick and Colt out of here!

[Lana] What about you?

I'm gonna ditch the flatbed
over the overpass

and hope the fall destroys the device.

What if you can't make it out in time?
Just jump the gap and we'll lose them.

This way's more heroic.

Asshole! [grunts]

[groans]

[shouting]

Archer!

[helicopter whirring]

Oh, shit.

-Sterling Archer.
-Present.

You may have destroyed
my device and stolen my plans,

but you left us
with a very powerful bargaining chip.

-My life?
-Your life!

Shit, sorry. I can tell you
thought that would sound cool.

Here, try it again.
Blah blah blah, bargaining chip and--

Oh! Shit!

Do you ever shut up?

At movies, I guess.

If they're good. Ow!

Oh, God, Mr. Archer is gonna die,
and the agency is gonna go bankrupt,

and I'll be stuck in Singapore
living in this van!

-Back seat folds down into a bed.
-Oh, my God, it does!

You know you're still
bonkers rich in America, right?

-Oh, yeah. I feel better. Let's go home.
-[sirens wailing]

Okay, what about
saving Archer and the agency?

Eh, I've got options.

Cyril, cover me. I'm going after him.

And how do you plan to do that?
That's Diamond Force!

-I mean, did you see those rings?
-I'll figure it out on the way!

So no plan. Just like Archer.

Risking everything
for whatever works for you.

It's a shame it had to come
to this, Sterling Archer.

Yeah, I'm feeling that too.
Might be a near-death thing though.

Near death? I don't want to kill you.

I want you to work for me.

It's just a shame it involved
blowing up my warehouse.

What? When we first met
you said you'd never hire me.

What can I say? You've grown on me.

Your pure, raw instincts are something

no organizational flowchart can replace.

Well, right now,
my pure, raw instincts are saying,

"Screw you, Fabian!

I'll never help you with your classic
'evil villain destroys the world

with some sort of
weird doomsday device' plot."

-What?
-You heard me. Never!

Wait, do you think I'm, like,
some kind of supervillain?

[laughing]

Oh, my God, that's so…

Oh, that's so funny.

Okay, I can totally see
how it could have come off that way.

Wait, so you're not trying
to destroy the world?

No!

Archer, I want to use the device
for its intended purpose:

eliminating our global dependency
on fossil fuels.

Really? Wow.
I mean, talk about crossed wires.

But first, I'm going to make
fossil fuel companies

pay me a huge ransom
not to use the device,

whilst also running a protection racket

over every major country
to ensure I don't blow them up.

Okay, wires uncrossed.
You're evil. I'm back out.

Shame, I'm going to make trillions.

And you could have been part of it.

But alas.

[laughs] Holy shit!

Oh, my God.

Oh, you guys are in so much trouble.

Let me introduce you
to Barry the death cyborg,

who actually is my friend now,
right, Barry?

Sorry, pal. It's actually Other Barry.