Original subtitles

[Malory] Burning down a warehouse?

Sinking a super yacht?

Crashing a school bus through another school bus?

Oh! X marks the tragedy.

Uh, empty school buses, for the record.

But wow, very full of gas.

I think the phrase you're all looking for is "mission accomplished."

The phrase I'm looking for

would fill my swear jar to the fucking brim.

Damn it.

And why do you insist on shooting every vat you see?

Because shooting vats is spycraft 101. Also, I didn't know the vat would explode.

-I was banking on some sort of acid. -I didn't know boats could burn.

Aren't they, like, super-wet?

On the bright side, destroying the lab

means it'll no longer pollute the harbor and kill endangered harbor seals.

See, Mother, the explosion was good for seals.

Maybe the seals understand the concept of collateral damage

that I have to pay for!

Seems abstract for a pinniped.

Look, the important thing is that we got the microchips, which means that--

Wait. You don't know what the microchips were for?

I don't keep track of every microchip we recover!

And… missile guidance.

-She guessed. -Okay, fine. What were they for?

-Why would I know? -I assumed chemical weapons.

I got more of a spy satellite vibe.

Hmm, I got more of a "you got beat up by a mob boss's preteen son" vibe.

-I couldn't punch a ten-year-old! -Or block his punches.

Jesus, are all debriefs this negative?

-I mean, yes? -[all] Yeah.

Come on. You're heroes.

You took down a secret lab.

-Uh, yeah, there's always a secret lab. -And they're never very secret.

I'd never been there, and I knew where the bathroom would be.

Take your ennui outside,

and do whatever you do with it.

-Are we boring now? -I mean, Cyril always was.

-[sighs] Fair. -And Lana got boring once she got married.

-Excuse me? -Oh, and her hearing is starting to go.

Boring? You're spies.

You're just overworked.

Hey, when was the last time you all went out for drinks?

Uh, I'm guessing drinking alone outside doesn't count.

Think she means as a group. And it has been a while.

-Huh. That might be a nice change of pace. -That's a great idea.

There's this new bar called I Don't Want to Go Home.

It's right next to My Marriage Was a Mistake

and down the street from Fun Cool Single Life,

-but that place closed down. -Probably because of the bad name.

Come to think of it, we haven't gone out since Archer was--

On sabbatical, because that's what it's called.

My nephew is in a medically induced sabbatical.

I got plans later, but I'm down to rage before my rage.

-Great! First round's on me. -[Krieger] Hold that thought!

-No. -Aw.

-Next stop, memories we can't remember! -[elevator bell dings]

[all chanting] Spies! Spies! Spies!

Oh, God, who are we?

Ugh. Maybe this work hang would be better if we--

Split up? Absolutely.

-I'll be at the bar. -Darts.

-[Archer] Women. -I got alley.

Sort of defeats the purpose of a work hang, and they're gone.

-I'm still here. -Uh-huh.

-Stop doing that. -I'm just trying to feel something.

This group-slash-night is so lame.

[gasps] We should get matching tattoos!

In matching places!

-Eh. I've done worse for less. -If you really want to liven things up,

we should all take my new experimental psychedelic.

What does it do?

Not sure yet, but the rats seemed to like it before they died.

No? Your loss.

[Archer] There he is. Cyril!

Hey, come meet my friends.

-Oh, my God, your eye. -Oh. This?

Yeah, that. That's from--

It's from a little boy punching me while I tried to tie him up.

-What the hell was that? -What?

You can't just say the humiliating thing.

You're supposed to change the subject. Then I don't let you.

Then you try to explain, but it doesn't work.

It's no fun if you admit you're a loser right away.

What can I say? Maybe I am a loser.

Yeah, you are a loser.

Damn it, I feel nothing.

Maybe feel a little compassion for the man you destroyed?

Charles Van Doren? He betrayed America's trust in quiz shows, Pam.

I mean Cyril. You broke him, dude.

How is Cyril being lame my fault?

Because he was happy and good at his job

and insanely ripped,

and then you woke up and started insulting him and now--

-[grunts] Guys. -Come on, man.

Guys, I already agreed to buy you drinks!

-Buy us a drink. -Shoving me solves nothing.

So yeah, pretty explicitly your fault.

[laughing] Oh, my-- That's hilarious.

Oh, my God. Did you see that? He just walked away from me.

Whoa. Take it easy, married lady.

Ugh. You sound like my husband,

who I love and will text to join us right this minute.

Lana, I was kidding.

Is this about Archer calling you boring?

No, it's just-- What if he's right?

Sandra, a man walked away from me. That has literally never happened before!

Hey, can I get a couple light beers?

-You can, but you won't. -Hey! Not cool, Pam.

Put it on her tab.

This rager's on fumes, and we gotta refill the tank.

The booze tank.

Ugh. Mescal and Schützie?

Do those even go together?

Time to find out! Prosit, chicas!

Cheryl, I'm gonna say something and you're probably gonna laugh.

Don't tell me what to do!

But fun.

Pam thinks I ruined Cyril when I woke up.

-Why aren't you laughing? -Hmm.

-Wait. Do you think I ruined Cyril too? -Eh…

-Cheryl! -No?

-Good. -Not just Cyril.

-What? -Cyril was first.

But when he got bad at missions, it put pressure on Lana,

which led to her marital problems, which made Pam gossipy,

which made me start stealing again.

These aren't my shoes.

Well, excuse me for waking up from a coma!

Are we not saying sabbatical anymore?

[man] Yeah, I ain't said nothing.

I didn't run away. The guy with the cane gassed me.

Yeah, yeah, with magical cane gas.

-Do you know how stupid you sound? -Can we go to the hospital now?

No! We wait for them to leave and see how they like to be ambushed.

I don't think they'd take the microchips to a shitty bar.

This is about self-respect, man.

The boss can get new microchips for whatever they were for.

Pretty sure it's super soldiers.

[retching]

Robert, good. Question: Has me being out of a coma made Lana

A, better,

B, slightly better,

or C, basically the same?

I guess she's been more distant.

Not one of the options, Robert! What are you even doing here?

Lana invited me to join you.

Yeah, she seems super-invested in that invite.

I love your hands.

Wow, she is really--

They're almost as big as mine. I mean the same size as mine.

We're hand twins.

Ugh. Out of practice.

Hey, was Lana aggressively flirting with other men

-before I woke up from my coma? -No, that's pretty new.

Damn it. Also, sorry.

I wouldn't read into that.

Oh, my God-- [laughing]

-Or that. -You know what? I trust her.

Make sure everyone has a good time. I'll text Lana I couldn't make it.

Wait, one more question. Did you also lie to her while I was in a coma?

-Robert? -[door closes]

-Pam, you were right. -Usually am.

I broke Cyril, and broken Cyril broke the group.

Yeah, it's a real butterfly effect.

And the hurricane is everyone sucking.

I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength.

You mean--

Yes. I have to fix Cyril.

You're gonna need this. Yoink. I'll handle the others.

Bartender, the biggest bottle on your highest shelf!

-Whoa, Cyril, leaving so soon? -Ugh. Might as well.

All the women here think I'm a child kidnapper.

-Creep. -Failed child kidnapper.

There's plenty of fish in the sea who don't think you're a pervert.

-How about a drink? -Mescal?

You know they cut down an acre of rain forest for every bottle of this.

I'll cut you down!

Wait, no. Actually, the opposite.

I, uh, actually would love to hang out.

With me? Why? I'm so lame.

-No, you're not! -Ow.

Sorry, I thought you'd at least try to block that.

Anyway, it's time we caught up.

Take me to one of those famous Cyril hot spots.

-Is this a trick? -Cyril,

I am genuinely trying to reach out.

Jesus, did you, like, totally drop workouts?

Seriously?

[sighs] Yes.

At least I didn't just lie on the floor crying!

-I got shot, okay? -And now you won't shut up about it.

Hi, Sara? Yeah, hey, could you stay with the kids another hour?

Sure, go ahead, order pizza.

Oh, hey, Sara, there's a coupon on the fridge in the--

-[line disconnects] -Hello? Oh, shit.

She ain't gonna see that coupon.

Man, tonight crashed and burned like a school bus into a school bus.

But I finally got a number.

-And it's just a receipt. -Are we splitting that, by the way?

'Cause I think it was all on my card.

Goddamn it, did you people totally forget how to party?

If you're looking to party--

Krieger, you've already taken, like, seven of those.

Really? Ooh. I might be going away for a while.

It's like Archer coming out of a coma put all of you in one.

But I have the cure. It's time for a Pampage!

-It's a play on words: Pam and rampage. -I got that.

It's technically a portmanteau, like "brunch" or "spork."

Or "murdercide."

It's a word. I was almost part of one.

Look, I've got plans tonight that I never let work friends in on,

but this is an emergency,

so you're all invited to come melt your tits off.

That seems extreme.

-Agreed. I am in. -I could melt.

-My fingers are whispering! -Krieger's in.

-So do you know what it's time for? -A Pampage?

Oh, shit, I already said that part.

But yes.

So do you always have these T-shirts in your car?

"Pampage"!

What happened to me? I used to be great at flirting.

-Eh. -"Eh"?

Krieger, male perspective?

[whispers] Shh. I'm invisible.

This isn't what I had in mind when I said we should go out.

Or is it?

Sorry, I thought we were closer to the corner.

-Or is it? -[muffled electronic music playing]

Great, a scary warehouse party.

Great, right?

By day, it makes socks, and by night, it rocks.

But the sock machine is still running, so be careful.

-I think I might need a new bandage. -I think you need to shut the hell up.

We could jump 'em now. It is a smaller group.

-No. I live just around the corner. -So?

So? How about we kill someone on the corner where your kids ride bikes?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Ugh. We're gonna be here all night.

[groans] I'm with an old who cares about being up all night.

-[bouncer] Yo, Pamageddon! -Sploosh! My man!

-Is that where that comes from? -These sacrifices for the ring?

-[laughs] Hell yes! -No!

Nah, just friends. Any chance you could throw me a plus-four?

After what you did for my nana, anything, huh?

Do not, under any circumstances, try to keep up with her.

[loud electronic music playing]

-[grunts] -[bell rings]

Shots!

-Aren't those toxic? -Maybe!

I am getting so many good tattoo ideas.

-[gasps] Forehead! -I'm gonna find a quiet corner and-- Whoa!

Welcome to the good life, Sandra. Damn it, Krieger, be careful!

[Cyril] Easy. You'll break Jupiter.

The planetarium, really?

I asked you where you go to have fun,

not where you went on your fifth-grade field trip.

It may not look like it, but this place has a crazy singles scene.

-As in they have a single year to live? -What's that?

Nothing, dear. Enjoy your stars.

-While you can. -Come on. It's fun.

And fifth-grade field trips don't have secret wine.

I guess it depends on your school and mother.

Anyway, do planetarium shows end, or do people just leave

when they're depressed enough to…

[gasps] …witness the majesty of space?

-Pretty great, right? -It really is.

You know, I kinda spent a year in space.

And that's enough wine for you, sir.

Cyril, for the last time, you cannot have wine in here.

Run! We'll lose him in the asteroid belt!

Huh. I didn't know he had friends.

Oh, more of a coworker situation.

[Pam] Shot!

Ah, because all I do is work, and now that Robert works with us,

my husband is also my work husband.

There's your problem. You gotta set boundaries.

That was my secret when I tied the knot. Shot!

-Wait, you're married? -Oh, God, no.

I'm talking about when I officiated a Wiccan hand-binding ceremony. Shot!

Ah, shit. Am I just doomed to be boring?

Screw that. You just need to remember what single life is like.

And I've got the perfect reminder. Krieger, wrap it up!

Shoot!

Stop dancing and fight me, Dad!

Put him in a body bag! Yeah!

-Do these shots while I get the keys. -Done. Wait, keys?

Hey! Keys to what?

Hey, what the shit, Pam?

I'll bring it back tomorrow. Maybe!

To the edge! Back to the edge!

[sighs] Uh.

Guys?

[tires squealing]

They have a monster truck?

Who the hell are these guys?

This drug makes cars feel huge!

It's so tiny and fast.

If it was life-size, it would be going 800 miles per hour!

What? That's incredible!

-[man] Final lap! -You got this, Cyril!

-It's just you and green. Careful. -I. Can. Hold. It! [shouts]

[Archer] Yes!

In your face, green, you absolute piece of shit!

-I mean, good game. I guess. -[whimpers]

Jackson, you've got five minutes to cover these ladies in sweat that isn't theirs.

Make it three.

Whoo!

[man] I'm just saying, who does this help?

To quote Edward Counsel, revenge is but a small circle.

Plus, it is getting late for revenge and my babysitter.

[Carl] And I'm weak from blood loss.

So, we'll get 'em next time?

-[Carl] Yeah, next time for sure, buddy! -[phone buzzes]

Oh, no, the boss says get the microchips back now, or we're dead.

How? I'm a master of strategy. My tactics were flawless.

And yet my forces lie decimated.

Because you left your Beastmen exposed to his Chaos Dwarf.

Well, yeah, that's obvious now!

Okay, double or nothing,

which I guess means two candy bars?

-Then prepare, knave, to-- -[gun cocks]

Call me knave again.

I'm kidding! Good role-playing, Kyle.

So who's next,

the cowboy or the scientist?

[exclaims] The scientist!

Okay, that's where we call it.

Holy shit, is that--

[Cheryl] That prince-y guy who was gonna buy my house.

Oh, no. Wait, guys, maybe he hasn't seen us yet.

Maybe it's just a stripper.

A stripper dressed specifically like Prince Fawad?

-My friends! -Oh, shit.

[laughs] I knew I recognized you.

You were all there that day my mother and I planned to buy a local mansion.

I think you have us confused--

No, no. Then you seduced me.

Then someone else tranquilized me

before we could consummate our relationship.

-I don't remember that day. -We do get hit in the head a lot.

And tranquilized a lot.

Anyway, congrats on figuring out you're gay before you had sex with Lana.

Gay? [laughs] No, no.

I just come here to pick up lonely, horny women.

Yes, so, would you like to come back to my penthouse for drugs?

Yeah, I could use a top-off.

Yeah, thanks but no thanks.

-But actually, thanks. We'll come. -Really, Lana?

Partying with a drug-dealing prince feels a little extreme.

Maybe for boring married Lana, but for cool single Lana,

it's just another school night.

Well, your overdose.

-Hurry up with that fool. They're coming. -Just stand up, man.

Is this the hospital, guys?

They have armed guards now?

Who the hell are these guys?

[Pam] Sploosh…

would love to see this.

He's working on his master's in architecture.

I'm doing this, right? I have to, right? Are there more shots?

-[Fawad] So, ladies, interloper… -Yo!

…shall we begin?

That's the second-biggest automatic lube wall I've ever seen.

Don't worry. We can take this slow.

Said the naked man.

Thanks for noticing.

[Archer] My Berserker cries,

burying his ax in your weeping king's chest.

As my Dragon Warrior rips off his…

penis.

-Not my choice. Rolled a two. -[grunts]

Hey, you can beat up a kid. Now just do that in the field.

Yeah, I don't know if I want to be a field agent anymore,

but I'm afraid to tell anyone.

-What? No, Cyril, that's amazing. -Oh, God.

It is? Why?

I thought you were getting worse in the field because I was insulting you.

You're just getting worse because you hate it.

-I still don't love the insults. -You'll get used to it, moron.

Anyway, you gotta do what's right for you, Cyril.

Because tonight reminded me: you're kinda special, and--

Wait, hold on. Getting a call.

-Uh-huh. -[Pam] Penthouse. Crazy lube wall.

Horny tigers. Pampage. Gotta get rid of the body.

Oh, thank God. I almost bonded with Cyril.

This better be good.

Cyril and I were doing something way less weird than this.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. I think he mixed two blues with a green.

No, I took that. He took three reds and a white.

I shouldn't have tried to keep up. I shouldn't have tried to keep up.

What the hell happened?

I tried to give myself a tattoo of a witch skull

with colored lube, but it got kinda blobby.

I think he meant with the dead guy.

Lana, you couldn't handle this?

I was gonna be his first. I was almost his first.

Obviously we're too drunk, and his guards are right outside.

Fine, we got this. Does Krieger have a bone saw?

To chop up a civilian?

To not go to jail, Cyril!

No. No chopping. We just need a way to sneak a body out of the building.

Ooh. I got this.

[all laughing loudly]

[Krieger] Gentlemen, don't wait up.

Let's get him to the docks in something inconspicuous.

[engine revving]

[tires squealing]

[car alarm blaring]

-Focus! We're in a car chase! -Shut up. My sitter is leaving.

And we wouldn't even be in this car chase if you weren't a coward.

Would a coward have nerve gas?

-Where the hell did you get that? -Warehouse. Just an insurance policy.

Right, Carl?

Carl?

I think Carl is dead.

-Okay, we're good to go. Krieger? -Will you hurry up?

-You're embarrassing me. -[all gasp]

-Damn it. -Who the hell is that?

Hey, don't need the light.

Then you should not have crossed us.

-Did we cross you? -Probably. We do cross a lot of people.

Yeah, who are you guys?

We're the guards from that warehouse you blew up today.

-Well, that's a relief. -Why could that possibly be a relief?

-We know they're not good guards. -Archer, he has a gun.

Yeah, we all have guns.

But we have nerve gas.

Insurance policy!

[distorted shout]

Oh.

[guards screaming]

[cheers]

All right, Cyril, AKA Murderfoot!

The field agent is back!

I guess maybe I am. Ah!

Cheese and crackers, this pavement is uneven!

-And he's gone. -Which we need to be.

Guys, someone should say something.

I stole a bunch of his lube.

Amen.

-[gasps] Who's ready to party? -He's alive?

-Oh, thank God. -You didn't check his pulse?

No. We were crazy high!

Oh, still are, to be honest.

Guys, grab the truck!

[all grunting]

We got this.

Come on!

Thanks, Murderfoot.

-Um. Why did it explode? -[chuckles] That was me.

[sighs] I learned a lesson today. No idea what it is.

Don't use lube to make a tattoo?

-Sort of looks like a palm tree. -I see a fountain pen.

[gasps] It's a Rorschach tattoo!

[chuckles] Oh, yeah, Sandra.

How did you find us?

I followed the monster truck and the explosion

and whatever that cloud was.

-Nerve gas. -I'd say cyclosarin.

Jesus Christ!

You realize the chemicals you dumped in the ocean

will probably kill ten times the seals you saved.

In our defense, going out was your idea.

Because I didn't know you were monsters!

Guys, the microchips were for land mines.

Oh, of course!

-Land mines! -Obviously.

The Pampage does it again!

Does what?

[chanting] Pampage! Pampage!

-[all] Pampage! Pampage! Pampage! -Whoa!

Oh, no.

[Archer] Any second.

She's coming up.

We should probably go get her.

[gasps] Pampage!