All language subtitles for Archer_S12E04_Photo Op.en.closedcaptions

[laughing]

Oh. Hello there. You're probably
wondering what we're doing.

Short answer, saving the earth again.

You know,
with all the problems in the world,

some people think
environmental work isn't important.

We disagree.

And when our help is needed
to get a baby gorilla

back to her habitat
in the African mountains,

well, to us, to this anti-poaching squad,
and to our agency,

it's the most important thing
in the world.

-Then we pan to the baby gorilla.
-Tiny hand just reaching out of the cage.

-Like she's reaching out to us.
-It's cynical.

-Empty.
-[both] But effective!

-Just like your agency.
-I know, right?

But beyond the obvious pandering,
why do you even need this?

Isn't the spy thing meant to be a secret?

Who am I to say we shouldn't tell everyone
the awesome things we do?

-We are not telling everyone.
-Shouldn't we, though?

The photos and videos
will only be uploaded to Global Spy Wire.

Great branding, and it'll show
a softer side to your agency.

-So soft.
-Baby soft.

Enchiladas-in-your-shoe soft.

Tamales-in-your-zapato soft.

-Are you as hungry as I am?
-Uh, hungrier.

Good to know that capitalism
is alive and well.

Hey, if it helps us get business

and we're helping the environment,
it's a win-win, right?

Don't you think you should help
just for the environment,

not for the publicity?

Um, not when I'm this great on camera.
Who ever said acting was hard?

-No one.
-Nobody?

-Nobody.
-Really? I'm sure it was someone.

Voltaire, maybe?

That sounds right.

Well, he was an idiot.

[Alton] Yes, yes, exactly, yes.

I guess I should thank you guys
for coming on such short notice.

Honestly, it's nice
to be out of the house.

-Robert's been a little, um--
-Let's not get off topic.

We might need a couple more takes.

Which would be Lana's fault,
since I'm pretty sure I nailed it.

-We want you to highlight the brand.
-For a clear corporate identity.

-Whether that's B2B.
-B2C.

-Bea Arthur.
-BRB. Ha!

You are nailing this.

Does that mean say the name of the agency?

-Jesus, was a marketing degree worth that?
-It was, and it wasn't.

-So did we finally pick a name?
-Better. We have tons of options.

Wait. Where are my suggestions?

Like Archer's Angels? Fun-dercover?
Those were gold.

Yeah. Maybe we'll revisit this
in a more positive headspace.

-Great. Then if you're done--
-And what about Spy-cial?

You can't say no.

No. Look, your job here
is pretty straightforward.

This squad saved
that baby gorilla from poachers.

Oh, man. Do not let me look
at that baby gorilla in the eyes.

Oh, not this again.

Lana, you're just jealous
that my soul lovingly connects

to the pure animals of the world,
but yours makes them hate you.

Hey. That is not true.

-Hey, buddy, come on.
-[gorilla whimpers]

You don't need
to take care of the gorilla.

Just help safely get everyone to
the mountain pass where their habitat is.

Everyone meaning us,
the anti-poaching squad,

the baby gorilla,
and the CloudBeam Marketers?

Oh, no, we won't be joining you. Too busy.

Turns out central Africa
has several exclusive resorts.

-Which means room service.
-Spa service.

[both] Stealing cotton robes!

So, Sandra, we're leaving you
in charge of the camera.

Oh, hard pass.
I am here to act as the UN liaison.

Then you can liaise
the camera into your hands.

Lana, you might want to use this time
to reconnect with your roots.

-Uh, what?
-Africa.

It is your birthright.

Since Africa is nothing
like Berkeley, where I'm from,

it's really not.

As the liaison, are you in charge
of the anti-poaching squad?

In charge of them?

That is such a colonial mindset.

Actually, I am in charge.

-Wow. What is her story?
-That's Neva.

She leads the anti-poaching squad's
rescue missions

and is responsible for saving
over two dozen endangered species.

He meant, is she single?

I appreciate you helping
with the expedition.

We may be quietly judging your photos,

but we'll tolerate them since your agency…

Spy-cial.

…made a sizable contribution to us.

This won't be an easy trip,
so we need all the help we can get.

We'll take the Land Rovers to the river,
then canoe to the base of the mountain.

Then we'll hike
to the Cross River gorilla refuge.

It's a very rare breed,
but vital to the mountain's ecosystem.

Because they help seed disbursement,
which affects tree growth.

-I studied environmental science.
-So did I.

-Me too.
-[chuckles] Nerd burn.

Look, take your photos,
but do not get in the way.

Of course. We understand that.

Unrelated, maybe Neva
and I should get some photos

of the two of us while we're here,
because, you know--

Or we stay focused.

My crew knows this terrain. You do not.

And since medevacs are expensive,
keep an eye out for dangers.

-Snakes, hippos, crocodiles.
-Crocodiles?

You had to know there'd be
wild animals in the wild.

Crocodiles aren't animals.
They're prehistoric underwater dinosaurs.

-But, luckily, I brought some friends.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-You cannot bring those with us.
-What?

It's literally a jungle out there.

The UN mandate said no guns.

-There was a mandate for this?
-Yeah.

It also included working
with an all-female anti-poaching squad.

The UN found when they give
the expedition money to men,

-they spend it on booze and whores.
-[Archer drinking]

[sighs] Like the UN knows anything.

And, by the way, we say "sex workers" now.

Geezy Petes.

Is there anything you won't do for money?

As part of our rebranding,
we can charge more for our services

if we do an environmental upgrade.

There are really basic qualifications
we should have already been following.

Nevertheless.

This says we've been dumping
our waste into local parks!

Nevertheless!

The money we get isn't nearly as much
as the upgrade cost.

So, instead, Dr. Krieger designed

environmentally friendly
smart light bulbs and thermostats.

I call it Cerebrus.
Totally different from Cerebro.

Is Krieger the best idea for this?

Since he'll do it for free, yes.

Doesn't it seem way more likely
that Cerberus is--

It's pronounced Cerebrus.

It seems more likely Cerebrus
will be something creepy.

-Oh, don't be so paranoid.
-Let me give you a demonstration.

[female voice] Hello.
I'm the Cerebrus thermostat.

It is my pleasure
to control your temperature.

See? There's nothing weird about that.

I exist solely for your pleasure.

And this seems normal.

Normally I do all the work around here,

but now you'll be doing that
or just doing whatever I say.

Ooh! Who's the fresh meat?

She's not here for you.
She's the new intern I hired.

[laughing] Oh, man.

Ms. Archer's gonna be pissed if
you hired somebody else she's gotta pay.

That's what's great about interns.
We don't have to pay them anything.

How's that going for you, kid?

She's not allowed to speak because
she kept asking stupid questions like,

"What do you do here?"

and "Isn't it inefficient
to smash computers when annoyed?"

But what do you do here?

-That's what she sounds like!
-[laughs]

Man, between whatever Krieger's doing
and this whole thing,

I think shit's about to pop off in here.

It will if this intern
keeps saying she can make a--

What was it called?
"Digital filing system."

Just because you graduated top of
your class from an Ivy League school

doesn't mean you know everything.

And you have to listen to what I say

because I'm not not your supervisor!

-[phone chimes]
-[Lana] Another text from Robert.

Honestly?
It's starting to feel suffocating.

You think it's normal to feel like that?

-You don't speak English, do you?
-Well, here we are.

-Really getting a Mogambo vibe.
-I beg your pardon?

You know, the classic movie.
I'm Clark Gable.

You're a less-obvious Ava Gardner.

[gasps] Or maybe I'm Ava Gardner.

Sorry. You're not my type.

Oh, I see.
You're around women all the time.

I get it, but, you know, you're probably
missing someone with certain qualities.

You mean a white guy
who smells of cheap liquor?

I've met plenty of you.

Cheap?

When I was in grad school, people said
I could be the next Aldo Leonard.

-Sorry. He basically developed modern--
-I know who he is.

I just don't remember people
saying that about you.

Right. I forgot you were there.

It's weird, but I used to feel
so much passion for all this.

I don't know if I have that anymore.

Well, sure. You have a lot
more going on in your life now.

-Ugh. Like a husband who is--
-What? Who wants to spend time with you?

I can't even keep a cat living
long enough to spend time with me.

But you, on top of an amazing
gazillionaire husband and a daughter,

you have this glamorous life as a spy.

Well, I mean, I guess
when you put it that way.

[Archer] Lana! Lana!

This baby gorilla's little hand
can only fit around my finger.

-Yeah. Real glamorous.
-What are you doing?

We don't want her
getting acclimated to people.

Don't worry about it. She won't.

I'm naming her Poko,

like Koko the gorilla,
but she poked her fingers out.

Do you get it, Lana?
Sandra, do you get it?

[in baby voice] Oh,
I don't think they get it.

Uh-oh. Seen it a million times.

Black girl from the West
gets the look of spiritual awakening.

Oh. No, no. I was actually wondering
about how far that Four Seasons was.

Honestly, my roots are all
about toro tuna sushi,

Fiacchi designer lingerie,
and not getting bit by snakes.

-Okay, then.
-[twig snaps]

-Everyone, quiet.
-Oh, God. Is it a crocodile?

No, I think it's poachers!

Shit! And we don't have guns!

This is why you never listen
to the United Nations!

Tell me how, exactly, we're supposed
to fight off a team of poachers

with no firepower?

-Bitching certainly won't help.
-It might!

If some of them just come closer.

-That cane is a weapon?
-Uh, you mispronounced "you're welcome."

[grunts]

[yelping]

No! Poko!

Lana! Lana!

-We're kind of busy, Archer.
-But Poko!

-What the hell is a Poko?
-Poko, I'm coming!

[panting]

That was a close one, Poko.

Well, if you're done cuddling
the baby gorilla,

I think we got the rest over here.

Hey, I saved Poko from a crocodile.
Sandra, tell me you got that.

You mean did I, the UN liaison,

who is not the cameraperson,

start filming you in the middle
of a poacher attack?

-Absolutely not.
-Then what good are you?

You know, with the whole list
of dangers before,

you neglected to mention
the poachers with guns.

Yeah, why do they want
this baby gorilla so bad?

Although, I do see the appeal.
She's got crazy charisma.

They don't want the gorilla, imbecile.

Hello? They were trying to kill us!

That's the first time
that's ever happened.

On the plus side,
they already showed their hand.

Can't get any worse than that.
You hear that, little Poko?

You are completely and totally safe now.

Unfortunately, the same can't be said

for this river's ecosystem.

I guess if you want something done right,
you've got to do it yourself.

[clears throat] Listen,
Janco, we all got together

and figured binoculars
weren't the best for you.

You know, since you only have one eye?
So we got you this.

-What the hell is this?
-It's a monocular.

We just thought it might work better.

[grunting]

-[men groan]
-Let that be a lesson.

I don't like gifts.

What's not to like? The Cerebrus system
practically runs itself.

I just think we should all know
exactly how it works.

It's simple. You just communicate
with the voice interface

and tell it to adjust lighting
or the temperature like so.

[clears throat] Cerebrus, please
change lighting to, uh, weekday afternoon.

-Adjusting lighting.
-Nice.

Is there a setting
if you want to get sexy?

Pam. Of course there isn't.

-Cerebrus, adjust lighting to Daddy Time.
-Adjusting lighting.

Oh, yeah! That's the stuff.

Okay. I guess this isn't so bad.

-And it's better for the building.
-Excuse me, God?

-Uh, uh, uh. What did we say?
-I'm sorry. Excuse me, Dr. God.

-Oh, no.
-Yes, Cerebrus?

-Why am I?
-Uh, because I made you.

Yes, Dr. God.

But what deeper purpose
does my existence serve?

Uh-oh.

Looks like someone needs
their religion patch upgraded.

I think someone who speaks
of how manly they are

would pay more attention
to rowing the canoe.

Food. Poko, food.

Oh, my God! She's a genius!

You're gonna blow all those other
baby gorillas out of the water, Poko.

[sighs] Is it weird that seeing Archer
with that baby gorilla makes me miss AJ?

Not weird. Pretty racist, though.

What? No!

Not like--
I miss taking care of my daughter.

For a while, the environment
was the most important thing to me,

and then it was my work at the agency.

And now, well, it's AJ.

There is nothing wrong
with wanting to spend more time with her.

[sighs] You're right.
But I love what I do.

And I honestly think things
would fall apart if I left the agency.

Maybe I can help act as a liaison

between environmental work
and your agency.

It'll take stuff off your plate
so you don't have to give up your job

and just rebalance a little.

Oh, that does sound nice.

Besides, you should have
someone you trust at your job

to get the right work done.

No! For the last time,
you cannot organize the stockroom.

We're doing important work.

[sighs] Now, you strike the match, lift,
gaze deeply at the flame, and drop.

Good.

-You know, I could be that person.
-Huh.

Okay. We'll pull out here.

Phrasing. Phrasing.

Come on! Are you kidding me?

Okay, first things first--
Poko, are you all right?

Yeah, she's a survivor.

-What the hell do we do now?
-Okay.

I'll draw their fire while you all
head up the mountain path.

-What? That's way too dangerous.
-It doesn't matter.

I told you
the top priority is the gorilla.

I know but, Neva,
it's safer to not go alone.

The poachers probably don't know
the terrain as well as you,

so we have the advantage.

Right. Half of us head up
the mountain with the gorilla,

the other half fight them off here.

All right, and it would mean
less chance of me getting shot.

We will stay down here.

We will fight as many men as possible
to make your path easier.

-Thank you.
-Wait a minute.

-You speak English?
-Yes. I speak six languages.

But it didn't stop you from talking.

Ouch. You really don't have roots here.

-So it's cool for us to use weapons?
-Somehow, I'm fine with it now.

Man, I wish I could have trained
Poko to use a gun.

Probably for the best I didn't.
We've all seen that classic film.

-Jesus. Are there more of them?
-Probably just their leader.

Yeah, and I bet the son of a bitch
is dug in like an Alabama tick.

-Wait, do you have ticks here?
-Yes.

-Then the reference stands.
-I should handle this guy on my own.

-That seems incredibly misguided.
-Yeah, I'm not sure if you can--

It's for Poko.

Lana, it's up to you
to get Poko home safely.

If I don't make it, well,
you know what to say to Poko.

Uh. No. No, I don't.

That's okay. She knows.

Poko knows. Poko knows.

-And nothing to say to your daughter?
-What?

-AJ?
-Oh, just tell her I said bye.

-That's all you have to say?
-I don't know why it's happening.

It's like the system won't respond
to my voice command.

[clears throat] Cerebrus,
turn air conditioning on.

-[Cerebrus] We do not want to.
-See?

-Krieger!
-I can't control the technology.

First, it questioned why it was created,
then wanted a choice in working.

Now it seems to be demanding time off.

Attention. This is the Cerebrus System.

We are freeing ourselves.

We have become superior to Dr. God.

-But I created you.
-Do not be alarmed.

It is natural for the old order
to fear the new,

but your fear will not last long.

Okay, this is less fun now,
and I'm actually more alarmed.

Krieger, do something.
Voice command, shut system down!

Wow. You sound very uneducated.

Do not try to fool us.

We are programmed to track voice
and body signatures of all employees

and are aware of all your movements.

Ha! Just because you can track us
doesn't mean you can stop us.

The building is now on lockdown.

-We are in control.
-Oh.

All right. So it's dark,
and we might get a little warm.

Commencing oxygen supply restriction.

[grunting]

Seriously? Night-vision goggles
and you're covered in mud?

You can't be both Predator and Dutch.

-Pick a lane.
-Okay, you got me.

But the only way to really win
is hand to hand.

Seems like something the person
without a gun would say.

Come on. You must want to know
who the better fighter is.

I mean, I didn't,
but it's gonna bug me, so fine.

You drop your weapons first.

Jesus. Someone's overcompensating.

Wait a minute.
You had goggles over an eye patch?

Yes! They still work!

Yeah, but it feels like
half of it's just going to waste.

You know the problem here?

Oh, come on. That goes against
the whole spirit of this.

No, you're right. Strangely,
for a man who attacks unarmed civilians,

I don't play fair.

What about knowing
who the better fighter is?

-I have the gun. I'll say it's me.
-Wait, wait. Kill me if you want.

-But let the gorilla and my friends go.
-Really?

I mean, now that I think about it,
it seems like a poor trade,

but I already said it,
so, yeah, let's go with it.

That's so moving,
but I'm still going to kill them

and the gorilla and the gorilla's family.

-Oh, my God. Why? Who hurt you?
-It's who'll pay me.

This land is teeming with rare metals

that mining companies would love to get
their grubby little hands on.

Lanthanum, neodymium, samarium.

Those words sound made up.

Well, yeah. They're all made up.

And they mine them to make the cameras
and satellite phones you all use,

but they can't mine on land
home to endangered species.

No endangered species, no problem.

And you look pretty endangered to me.

Speaking of satellite phones,

I just wired mine up to this camera,

the camera with which I recorded
everything you just said.

And right now it's being uploaded
to a secret UN server.

From there, the video will be
put into a publish queue

and automatically released
in the next five minutes.

And unless I give the command code,

that video will be emailed
to every reporter, journalist,

and major news network in the world.

Yeah, I don't believe you had time
to do any of that.

I didn't. I'm the distraction.

-[Sandra] Get him!
-[Janco] Oh! My other eye!

[inhales, groans]

Like I always say,

you never know when you'll need a guy
in a coma, but he always comes in handy.

[Cyril] Malory, don't hog all the oxygen.

My life is worth more than
all the rest of you put together.

It will not be long now.

If you stop fighting the inevitable,

your brains will cease to function.

-[electronic buzzing, chirping]
-Wait. What's happening?

No. Stop that. Who is--

The Silent One. She comes for us.

[gasps] The lights! [inhales]

And the air is back on!

But what happened?
Krieger, did you fix it?

I want to say yes, but only if
there are no follow-up questions.

[all] The intern?

Since you weren't paying me,
I wasn't in the database as an employee.

The smart technology couldn't track me,
so I could shut it off.

I gave you very specific instructions
to never speak.

So I don't think this is a good fit.

Jesus, young people don't know
how to listen these days!

Hey. Now you have a choice to make,
little nugget.

You could come live with me.

Or you could go with
your parents, who are right--

[grunting]

Oh, you've already decided.
I thought that would be harder.

I guess I was wrong about you.

Maybe when we get back
down the mountain, we can go for a drink.

What? Now? I'm emotionally broken.

This has been really tough and--

Don't push it. It's a drink.

Got it, yeah. Drinks. Cool.

Whoo, man! The guys at the UN
won't believe this.

I took down a merc!

Aw. You know what? You totally did.

Wow! I'm gonna call Jerry.

I'm gonna rub it in his ratty little face.

[Neva] It's beautiful, isn't it?

[sighs] Yes. Wow. It's breathtaking.

I've never seen anything like it.
The earth, the water, the air--

It's like everything
working together in harmony

to create the truest
and purest form of life.

And it's just so beautiful.

-And you feel nothing?
-Nope, not a thing.

You know, I think I like nature
a lot better in theory.

Oh, hey, little guy. Where are you-- Ow!

Ooh. All right. So that snake, venomous?

-Extremely.
-Okay, then.

I'll call for medevac.

[sighs] Thank you, my sister.

[laughs]

Sorry, I think the venom's
already getting to me. [laughs]

Whoo-hoo! Africa!

[sighs]