Original subtitles

Ugh. So we're just walking to the plane here?

Where is it? In the 1950s?

I think it's romantic.

And hiking is a romantic version of being a starving caveman,

but it's all walking, and therefore dumb.

Surprise team-building trip from our generous new financial backer!

-Ugh, don't remind me. -Oh, come on.

You're just mad that our generous new financial backer

-is also your husband. -Ya think?

Thereby obliterating any division

between your work life and your personal life,

and radically destabilizing your relationship.

-Ya… think? -I do think.

So where do you think Robert's taking us for team-building?

Probably some godforsaken place with more militias than total teeth.

I'm thinking Idaho. Or maybe hell.

[chuckles] What's the difference?

-Like your backwoods ass can talk. -Yeah. Your family tree is a circle.

I told you that in confidence!

Whoa. Wow. What kind of moonshine-fueled hoedown

you got going on in your bloodstream right now?

I hate boring-ass flights, team-building,

and most of all, a third thing I just forgot.

So between the four Bloody Marys and the sleeping pills,

Mr. Sandman is coming.

-[Robert] Hey, guys! -Wow.

I chartered this beauty for our team-building retreat.

And that's when she called the divorce lawyer.

[laughs] Just kidding.

It cost a lot to bring this out of storage,

but as your new CFO,

it was worth it to see the looks on your faces.

We're going to Paris

on that!

The Goldhawk. If aeronautical engineering is an art,

this is the Mona Lisa.

-Two floors of airborne luxury. -[hawk screeches]

Relax in our sauna massage area.

-Drop your pet at our dog hotel. -[dog barks]

Or enjoy our casino.

But a quick note for our return guests.

The pangender brothel has been closed for legal reasons.

Enjoy your flight on the Goldhawk.

[hawk screeches]

-[Archer] Boo! -[all booing]

I just found out about that and I already miss it.

I can't fall asleep and miss this. Y'all gotta keep me awake.

Don't worry.

I won't let the soft, velvety embrace of oblivion

caress your mind.

-[snores] -Drifting, drifting.

-[gasps] Oh, my God! We're going down! -Come on!

Why are you Satan?

Better to rule in hell than serve in heaven.

How much money did you waste?

There's no cost too great to strengthen relationships

and reward the efforts of my new work family.

Slash real family.

I've been talking with the CloudBeam Marketing folks, and I hired them.

We're rebranding as a force for good.

Humane causes like the environment. The Spies with Soul!

You know, maybe we should listen to Robert.

[both] What?

Look, when you consider the rivers of shit we've been navigating,

the fact that we saved the world and no one noticed,

and the festering sinkhole of our finances,

maybe it's time for something new.

Thank you for keeping an open mind, Archer.

And if that means suffering through a luxury flight to Paris,

I'll take that high-end, whiskey-flavored bullet.

May I?

Cheers to finally taking the break I deserve.

All right! This is a hijacking!

Everyone remain calm!

[passengers screaming]

Come on. Get in there. Go.

[snoring]

Uh, they probably don't mean that calm.

[sirens wailing]

-Don't even think about it. -Um, is that plastic? Why is it lukewarm?

It's 3D printed, man, and recyclable.

We don't wanna add more plastic to landfills.

-Just bodies. -So you don't compost?

Well, I ordered one of the tubs, but the shipping got messed up.

[laughs] Okay, everyone, these are Fisher-Price weapons.

-We have nothing to worry about. -[gasps]

You actually have loads to worry about, dude.

The environment is falling to shit, and you're all at fault!

I recycle.

Three-dollar ties from Goodwill don't count, Cyril.

Climate change is a civilization-threatening problem!

In like 1,000 years.

Siberia had multiple days over 100 degrees this year.

Siberia? Like Siberia, Siberia?

Shit. Someone should do something about that.

-I know. -Hey, little piggies, listen up!

We're gonna need each of you to transfer one million dollars.

to an offshore account,

which we're then gonna use to further the Earth's cause!

Oh, absolutely, but maybe buy some actual shoes first,

and probably a toe shaver, Bilbo.

Ow. Worth it.

Hey, go secure the upper level.

All right, nobody panic and nobody gets hurt.

-[Pam grunts] -[yelps]

-Hey! [grunts] -Block it. Whatever you can find.

And now, we set it on fire.

We're on a plane. Where would we go?

You just said it. We're on a plane.

-We could fly anywhere. -[chuckles]

If your brain were a drug, I'd snort the shit out of it.

Welp, I guess there's only one thing to do.

-Experience everything good… -Break in, rewire the control panel…

-…before it's too late. -…into a weapon and-- What?

I'm talking first we hit the grill. Meat fix.

Then we rake up a fortune at the slots and blackjack.

Then get absolutely blitzed.

-But what about the hijackers? -[groans] Is that still going on?

Look, either they kill us,

law enforcement storms the plane and they kill us,

or everything works out fine.

But in all those cases, isn't it better

if we experience as much as we can while we can?

Hell yeah! My new best friend.

Welcome to the Republic of Pamistan,

where the only rule is… [grunting]

…screw the rules, and anything else you can get your hands on.

Huh. Why not? When are we ever gonna be on a plane like this again?

Speak for yourself. My family has season tickets.

For the plane?

And when is flying season?

You can't keep a bunch of people hostage

if you're not keeping them hostage.

And don't hijackers usually wait until the plane is in the sky?

Where, historically, there are fewer SWAT teams?

Well, they lock the doors to the cockpit once the pilots are in and--

You don't know how to breach that because you're amateurs. Wow.

Shut up. Why would I listen to a captive?

Well, you're at the point of no return here.

Soon you'll have to shoot people, and I don't think you want that,

other than maybe that guy.

Oh, yeah?

Well, every fish you eat is loaded with plastic micro-beads from face soap!

Kind of getting a last scene of Scarface vibe from this guy,

but with gluten-free cocaine.

Okay. What's your suggestion?

Well, anytime you need to make an example out of someone,

maybe knock this guy around a little bit.

I don't know. Feels like clubbing a baby seal.

I'd hate to hit him if he doesn't deserve it.

That's the point. If he gets hit, it could happen to anyone else.

And let me tell you a secret. He's secretly a masochist.

Gets pleasure from being beaten up.

He loves it. Can't get enough of it.

You'd be doing this guy a favor.

-All right. That's a load off my mind. -Yeah. Mine too.

[sighs] Things have calmed down a bit outside.

-We'll be fine until we figure out a plan. -Ugh, smells like a kennel in here.

I can't believe this. Robert, this was such a bad idea.

I was supposed to somehow predict that we'd be hijacked?

No. It's just working with you just makes everything so complicated.

I would have known that's how you felt if you had talked to me

instead of hanging up on me.

[woman] Now, take a deep breath

and feel the gratitude for your surroundings.

Would you turn that off?

[steam hissing]

Goddamn it.

Cyril. Hey, Cyril, take this.

Why do I need an earpiece? Where are you going?

I need you to be useful for the first time in your entire life, Cyril.

When I make my move, you have to be my eyes and ears.

Why? What are you doing?

This is one of those situations where it plays out better

if we don't get violent and just submit to their guidance.

Hey, Chatty Cathy, no talking! Yeah, that's right.

Anyone else gets out of line, they're next!

-Hey, thanks. -Hey, my pleasure.

Just keep them under control and we can get out of here

without anyone getting too hurt, other than Cyril, which hardly counts.

Don't you dare open that single-use plastic bottle!

Trust me, I don't like drinking water that isn't alkaline either,

but you all have truly pushed me over the edge.

-Ah! -[passengers gasp]

Goddamn it!

Well, at least you had a good reason.

[wincing]

[all screaming]

[guns cocking]

God, Ray's gonna be so pissed when he finds out he missed this.

And now I'll get an allergic reaction from this fake croc-skin belt?

Who knows which is gonna kill me first?

[grunts]

Thank you, but also, what the hell are you doing?

Stopping the poisoning of the earth is worth a little blood!

-Plus, you told us to keep control! -Does this look controlled to you?

You tell me.

-[clatters] -Damn it.

It's possible that recycled guns weren't the best move.

They're not recycled. They're recyclable!

[grunts]

[crash]

-[Archer] Okay, Cyril, can you hear me? -Yes!

-Quiet! -[groans] Damn it.

[Archer laughs] Oh, man. I knew that would happen.

I'm so mad I missed it.

You can't let them know you're talking to me,

but you've got to be my eyes in the passenger cabin.

I'm heading low, and if my guess is right,

Pam and Krieger are cooking up something good on the upper level.

Look, they don't know what they're talking about.

You gotta follow your dream, man. What is it?

Slam poetry.

Oh, man. Forget I said any of that shit.

Might I remind you, there is still a hostage crisis downstairs.

[gasps] Oh, no! Does that affect how the grill works?

No, ma'am.

Okay, Cyril, I seem to have reached the cargo hold,

but it'll be impossible to find our bags.

So I'll just steal all the jewelry from these and then retire.

-Probably alphabetical. -Damn it. You ruin everything.

I still can't believe they made Krieger check the new tacticane,

but these assholes can bring an endless supply of plastic guns on board.

I love crosswords.

What was the clue for alphabetical again?

Oh. Yeah. It was a tough one.

Having to do with the…

-alphabet? -[phone rings]

Yes. Flight 4643, Goldhawk.

This is Flight Attendant Eryn.

It's for you. It's the hostage negotiator.

Don't worry. They'll slow play this.

-Hell-- -[negotiator] Okay. Shut up.

I don't care who you are. I don't care what you want.

Right now, I am smiling.

I'm giving my boss the thumbs up like things are going great.

But when push immediately comes to shove,

we're gonna come in there and kill you all.

And if a few hostages get hit, them's the breaks.

And I am gonna like it!

Then tomorrow, I'm gonna go looking for your families,

your friends and your pets.

So enjoy your last moments on earth, you barely human scum!

So,

how's the divorce going?

Okay, time to accelerate.

We have to find Target One now.

There was a passenger acting weird. I bet he knows something.

And he's gone!

He definitely knows something!

Okay, fan out! Remember this is Target Alpha.

Uh-oh.

Oh. Well then, problem solved.

Considering he didn't even tell me about purchasing the company in the first place.

I called you to talk about it.

I was on a mission.

Your job was in jeopardy of being taken away.

I just wanted to help for the betterment of our family.

Yes, but now you run the company that pays me, Robert.

-We run a business. -Oh-ho, sure. Right into the ground.

-We saved the world. -Fat lot of good it did you.

Before I bought the place, I saw you mix tequila and vodka

out of the bottom of two plastic bottles.

Oh, shut up.

Whatever you're doing, please do it faster.

It's getting pretty hairy. Archer, did they get you?

Yeah. It's pretty hairy here too, Cyril.

[laughs]

Just hang tight.

Uh. It sounds like they're really on the hunt for Robert and his cash.

How rich could this guy be?

He had the spare change to buy the entire agency,

as what was probably a favor to Lana.

There's no way our shitty little Mom-and-Pop agency cost that much.

When was the last time you bought a drink without expensing it?

-I wanna say high school? -[barks]

Huh. Oh. Hey.

I was just looking for my, uh--

No.

-Well, did you find it? -[groans]

-[Archer] Cyril? Cyril? -[dogs barking]

Ah. You idiot.

Hey, come here. That's a good boy.

You guys be good till I get back, okay?

Love you guys.

Psst. Stewardess.

Hey, is there any way to get to the top floor other than the stairs?

Also, we're probably gonna die in ten minutes,

so what do you think?

Hey, you sicko. Where's the bald guy?

Robert? I mean, who?

[groans] I don't know.

[grunts] Nope, that didn't help.

Enough with the games!

Every moment I don't shoot one of you is another dead whale!

Uh. That doesn't make any sense.

Neither does talking right then.

So now you're gonna transfer one million dollars into our account!

Hey, I gotta tell you that's the first time

that line worked for me. And I've tried it a bunch.

By the way, I'm a flight attendant, not a stewardess.

Definitely the priority right now.

Okay, Flight Attendant, can you show me the way to the second floor?

Wow, you sure know your way around a shaft. Wait. No, I'm sorry.

That was coarse. I apologize.

-Hmm. Looks like a tight fit. -Damn it. That one's better.

I think there's a whole lot you're not telling me.

First, I don't know about the agency. What's next?

-You guys should really be quiet. -Good point.

What's next is you're fighting with me

because I wanna have a baby with you and you won't talk about it.

-[laughing] -Robert, they're looking for you.

You never wanna talk about it.

You like to run around saving the world,

when I want to build a world of our own.

But you keep pretending you're not a mother.

And with two kids, that would be twice as hard.

[sighs]

He's in there.

You know that grater thing that servants use for grating nutmeg?

Do you ever wanna use that on someone's nipples?

Just really go to town?

I don't like that town.

[groans] Oh, my God.

I had eight shots and 12 steaks.

And it was such a good idea.

What the shit?

[splutters] Wait, have you been there the whole time?

Because if so, all that shit I was talking was about a different Archer

who does all the same shit you do.

Guys, the hijackers have Robert.

Apparently, their whole objective was just to drain his bank account.

-Wait. How do you know all that? -I gave the flight attendant an earpiece.

After we had sex.

-Come on, dude. -Oh, come on. That is bad.

Tell me about it.

I can't believe they didn't wanna use me as a hostage.

Am I not rich enough for them?

Does that make me any less of a person?

-Like, less than you are currently? -Also, you're really rich.

Your family owns six islands,

and the private prison-slash-hunting preserves on those islands.

Aw, thanks, guys. You're right.

I am worthy of being horribly harmed and discarded by bad people.

Guys, if we could get back to the hostage situation that's ongoing--

Wish I could, bud, but here in Pamistan, we rise above it.

No rules.

Right. And I'm about to prove you all wrong about slam poetry.

Fine. We'll do it. Wait, I have the perfect line.

Let's compost these turds.

-And that was it? -You dick.

-You don't have to do this. -Enough! Just shut up and pay up!

Ten million bucks or you won't be as lucky as he was.

-[groans] -He doesn't look that lucky.

Okay. The transfer is done.

Wait, I'm not seeing the transfer in our account.

You don't have to bully people into giving you money

when you can just make an effective case for change.

Okay, but to be clear, you just gave a huge amount of money

to Citizens of the World environmental group?

-What? -Look.

In the heat of the moment, we all say or do things

that hurt the things we're trying to save.

But there's still a chance for us to come together and find a way to change.

-[grunts] -Nice try!

But that's not what I asked for.

Also, that seemed more applicable to a relationship!

Where was that advice last year when I needed it?

Release the hounds!

[dogs barking]

-Come on! Hit me with the cherries! -[machine chiming]

[shouts]

You know what? This is different than I thought.

So I'm just gonna go-- [grunts]

[Archer] Oh!

Maybe the recycled guns do work.

-Archer, help! -Shut up!

And why does the stewardess know your name?

Her name isn't "Stewardess," Lana. It's Flight Attendant.

-Really? -What?

My stewardess line finally worked. What can I say?

-Actually, it's Eryn, with a "y." -Shut up! I'm gonna hurt this stewardess.

-Now you're just doing it intentionally. -Uh-uh. I mean it.

I'm gonna hurt her real bad.

Like, nasty bad to make a point about, you know, all the stuff.

And then I'm gonna fly this plane

-the hell out of here. -[screams]

Come on, hurry up.

[grunting]

Ow!

What the hell is happening around here?

-Oh, my God. Are we in Paris? -No, but I see France.

-Seriously? How old are you? -[laughing]

Apparently not too old to piss myself laughing at your ass.

I don't need this. Don't need it.

[gasps]

[shouts]

Screw you, Miranda!

And that judge that gave you my sword collection. Ah!

I gotta go, guys. Love you all.

Hey, you were actually really brave back there.

-You mean after you tried to kill me? -Oh, come on.

-I didn't try to kill you. I just-- -Aided and abetted.

But I should not have said that. It was the steam and the stress--

-And the hijackers. -Them too.

I really want us to work. I wanna share everything with you.

But if you're not ready for another baby, I understand.

Thank you, Robert, but it's not gonna be easy for me to forget what you said.

Oh, absolutely. Doghouse, population me.

How are we gonna be the Spies with Soul

when we just beat the snot out of a bunch of tree huggers?

Oh, not to worry.

I made that donation in the name of the agency.

-Sure to cause quite a bit of a splash. -Wow. That was really smart.

-And we do seem like more of a team. -And all it took was a hijacking.

Yes, but now that I'm a few million in the hole with you all,

we're gonna have to make some changes around here.

So unless you suddenly find a new source of funds,

you're going to be buying your own drinks, mister.

Indefinitely.

[dog whines]

What?