All language subtitles for Archer_S11E08_Cold Fusion.en.closedcaptions

[Archer] Antarctica,
icy graveyard of hubris.

Not hostile to humanity,
but worse, utterly indifferent.

A blank wall at the edge of the universe,

defying us to find meaning in it.

So, you can see why I’m not going.

For God’s-- The antenna
at McMurdo Station is down,

all we’ve heard is a garbled
transmission about a murder,

and two days ago,
we detected an unidentified--

Really? You need a pickleback?

-Do you?
-I--

We’re as concerned about McMurdo

as the average citizen is,

but we run a business.

Obviously, we’re concerned
about the consequences.

Are you?
The death of everyone on Antarctica,

the loss of research
that may save the planet,

and a flaw in the ice cap that could
doom us in the short term?

Sure, those, but does this look
like a nonprofit?

Yeah, one that distributes
liquor to needy child-men.

Hey! It happens to be man-child!

And now I’m craving
a pickleback, so thanks for that.

For the last few years, this organization
had a newfound reputation

for effectiveness and ethical conduct.

What happened?

Uh, I woke up and we got awesome again?

-Jesus, Lana, how far you’ve fallen.
-Uh, I’m sorry?

-Some history here?
-I honestly have no idea what’s happening.

Oh, please. It’s Sandra.

You were the star of
the environmental science department,

sucking up all the grants
and funding like a selfish vampire,

then skipping out,

leaving our department
blacklisted for grants

for the next five years.

Oh! Grad school Sandra.

Yeah, I still don’t know who you are.

Oof! Nothing worse than a nemesis
who doesn’t know you exist.

Like playing air guitar
with your entire life.

-Why don’t you all take a deep breath?
-[helicopter approaching]

There’s wonderful oxygen
right outside my office.

Guys! Guys! It’s landing on the building!

-Wait, but we don’t have a--
-[crashes, rumbles]

"Helipad" is what I was gonna say.

-Uh-huh. Yeah, that’s great.
-Oh, hey, Trip.

-I didn’t know that you were coming.
-No. Sure.

As the major private donor to McMurdo,

I am determined
to solve this crisis at all costs.

Funny, that’s exactly
the number of costs we charge.

I’m taking your full team to McMurdo.

Severe winds there right now,
so we’ll have to take my sub.

-You have a submarine?
-Hey, bud.

I love humanity,

but in a warming world
on the brink of anarchy,

an exit strategy is only sensible.

We, of course, are very familiar
with your technology ventures.

Including those floating mini-cities.

Didn’t you blow
a ton of money designing those?

-In a warming world--
-We get it.

Why are you so concerned with McMurdo?

I’ve spent time
with the people of McMurdo,

and they truly are my family.

My guess is one of those freaks
went ecoterrorist,

and I need to protect my investment.

Really? Any evidence for that?

Don’t need it, because I have
something better: vision.

Though not quite enough vision
to see that we don’t have a helipad.

When you’re innovative enough,
everything’s a helipad.

[rumbling, thudding]

Hard to argue with that. [laughs]

[Archer] Place your bet, folks.

Thawed alien monstrosity?
Uh, flesh-eating virus?

-[gasps] Demon possession.
-Sex worms!

Look, all we’ve got to do
is make sure everyone is okay.

Other than the murder victim.

We solve the murder, fix the antenna,

and get out before our nipples
rip through our clothing.

Ooh, multidimensional hell beast

that confronts us with
the horror of our existence?

No, Mother’s still on the sub.

[Trip] But why?

I’ll go when they train penguins

to mix a decent French 75
and not a moment before.

I’ll be in the bar.

And I just don’t like

being places, you know?

Okay, but how can you help from the sub?

Help what?

Oh, I don’t know.
Maybe putting our stuff on the sledge.

I’m dealing with my own supplies, Lana.

-Is that just booze in there?
-No!

For your information,

there’s also
a huge amount of pickle juice.

Seriously, you got me fiending.

Welcome to the most beautiful
place on Earth.

Yep, just narrowly edged out
the walk-in freezer at IHOP.

[clears throat]
This is Rex, chief of station.

-And this is baby Lamont.
-[squawking]

I am not saying hello
to a flightless bird.

Your loss. And also Lamont’s.

-[Lamont cooing]
-He’s sensitive.

You just bought me an hour
of tummy rubs tonight.

Hey there, sailor.
You giving those out for free?

Yes. Penguins don’t use currency.

So, are you here for
the antenna repair or for the murder?

Both.
We need to get a handle on the situation.

Gather everyone on base for questioning.

Krieger here will attempt
to repair the main antenna.

But right now, you need to get me inside

because if I get any colder,

I’m gonna literally murder someone.

-Oh, sorry. Too soon?
-He was my friend.

But come on. It’s not like there were

-a ton of options out here.
-[Cheryl groans]

It’s like an oat milk orgy in here.

A half bottle of substandard vodka?

I don’t drink alcohol.

I need every brain cell at top capacity

when my mind is uploaded to the cloud.

Which means we’ll need the vodka

-to deal with you until then.
-[laughs]

He thinks alcohol goes in your brain.
[chuckles]

You use your mouth.

But, please, do not leave this area.

-Does that seem fishy to you?
-[sniffs]

I mean, it’s not like
you’re not gonna drink it.

[Lana] I’m not saying you’re wrong.

I think we want them
looking at the pickaxes

-so they’re "facing their crime."
-Oh.

-What about ropes to symbolize--
-[Archer] Shh!

-I’m getting into character.
-As a douchebag?

-I think you’re there.
-Lana, please.

We are in the midst
of a closed-door whodunit,

so forgive me
for actually enjoying my work.

-No.
-[Rex] What do you mean, "no"?

I don’t deal well with dead bodies,

so maybe I should-- Aaah!

-God, it’s worse than I thought!
-What’s with him?

Well, after turning his life around
while Archer was in a coma,

he’s fallen back into some old habits.

Like being a whiny little bitch!

Keep it together. You’re a man!

Yeah, that’s the thing about real men,

always saying they’re men.

[sighs]

Sharp entrance wound,

no evidence of sawing or slicing.

A single blow, angled downward.

My verdict: This wasn’t a murder at all!

It was an icicle!

This was next to the body.

[laughs] Oh, the shame. Just sit in it.

It’s a pretty standard move.

Oh, I’m-- I’m Gray.

I’ve spent most of the last
15 years with penguins.

-I kind of forget how to--
-Be a person?

[snaps fingers]

I am Dr. Gertrude Rilsa.

Wow. That was intensely sinister.

Yeah, do you have a vocal setting

where it doesn’t seem like
you’re about to kill us?

I will humanize myself.

I study how the isolation of a small group
affects willingness to engage

in increasingly deviant
sexual behaviors...

with robots...

on drugs.

-Wow!
-The robots?

Do we introduce her to Krieger,
or would that--

Bring about the death of humanity

in a cybersexual apocalypse? Hard yes.

Yes-- No-- I mean, yes. [chuckles]

No, I didn’t do it.

I’m second-in-command of this base,

and I do everything by the book.

-Um, name?
-Maddox.

Sorry, little jumpy. Whoo!

Uh, hey, that’s okay. It’s a stress--

It wasn’t me, goddamn it!

Playing at detectives,
they must face death in all her guises,

both that of the victim and their own.

You, uh-- You wanna turn that off?

I am afraid that is not possible.

[gulps] We were all in the common area.

[Maddox] Bob left first. We didn’t
see him for the rest of the night.

[Rex] Then I think Gray left for a while.

Ah! He must have left to do some
light murdering, then--

He went to my experimental robot den

to engage in his ultimate fantasy.

Gray is great, but let’s just say

I don’t leave him alone with Lamont.

-I think we get it.
-He wants to fornicate with penguins.

Did you know penguins mate for life?

Fantastic.

Did anyone else leave after Gray?

Sure, I left for a while.

Oh, ho, ho, ho. Very interesting.

I did. Twice.

-I left four times.
-Thank you.

This has all been very unhelpful.

-Worst murder suspects ever.
-Perhaps not.

I went outside to document
the desolate, inky night.

Well, I’ll notify the consulate
of the great nation of I-don’t-care-istan!

Whilst poring over footage,

I found I had captured Maddox exiting

the murder location at the time of death.

-Why didn’t you tell us before?
-Who can say?

Trying to understand the human motives

only leads to a labyrinth
of madness and chaos.

-Shut up!
-Shut up!

All right, let’s announce
our next contestant

on Did You Commit Murder?

And Maddox, come on down!

-Oh, no.
-Crap.

[Archer] Pam, come on!
You were supposed to get everyone.

That was a big moment.

Maddox ain’t coming.

-Did she bolt?
-No, dummy.

She just got murdered.

-Great.
-I’m shocked.

My God, this is terrible.

Seriously, that totally ruins
my game show thing.

Really? That’s the problem?

I made a Plinko board!

[Archer] Guys, we’re sure
Plinko wouldn’t be useful here?

No!

-So Maddox wasn’t the murderer.
-You think?

Look, if we’re going to solve this,

it’s not going
to be by engaging in petty squabbles!

Man, you don’t know us at all.

Can you think of any motive
for the murder?

I don’t know, any research
worth killing over?

Don’t be ridiculous.

Our main study has been mapping

the depth of ice sheets
using small explosive charges.

Congratulations.
You just made explosives boring.

They found a flaw in the ice sheet,

which would be catastrophic
if it gave way.

A hundred years
of sea level rise in ten minutes.

Wow. I stand corrected.

That is in fact so boring

the word "boring" just killed itself.

Krieger, can you examine these bodies?
We need a clue.

Okay, but these days, I’ve got
more practice with cephalopod bodies.

What the hell happens in that lab?

Archer and I are gonna go
search Maddox’s quarters.

-I’ll give you a hand.
-No, you won’t. You’re a suspect.

And just what are we expected to do?

Oh, no, Rexy. Big Mama lost again.

What am I gonna have to take off now?

Strip solitaire is not a thing!

-I’m out.
-[Cyril] What?

Yeah, on people. I’m out.

I can see that. So what now?

Isn’t it obvious?

Prison tats!

Exac-- No!

We find something else to drink.

I don’t care what Trip says.

No one plans for an apocalypse

without a stash of the good stuff.

-[gasps] This is a coke sub?
-No, I mean liquor.

-Why would they smuggle liquor?
-They don’t.

So where’s the cocaine, lady?
It’s called logic.

-Look into it.
-[Sandra] Into what?

We don’t even know what we’re looking for.

Yes, well, you’ve certainly
pinpointed the very nature of a clue.

The question is,
who had the time to ransack the place

after the murder
but before Pam announced it?

Not necessarily. They could’ve tossed
the place before they killed her.

Shut up, both of you,
with this deductive timeline circle jerk.

Wait a minute. Weren’t you the one
reveling in this closed-door whodunit?

Before it became a stupid logic puzzle.
Who am I, Bernhard Bolzano?

So, what do you suggest?

We need to get back to our instincts.

-Like, uh, this, I guess.
-Give me that!

This is Maddox’s notebook,

and there are a bunch of pages ripped out.

But before that-- [grunts]

She went out on the ice
and found something.

-And she was--
-With Rex. Oh!

-Feel that power.
-Oh!

[groaning]

And I’m going to do that

every two minutes until you let us out.

And his anguish was not just
in his genitals.

It was in his soul.

Jesus, Cyril. You leave your nuts
in your other uterus?

No, it’s abundantly clear
they’re still here.

Seriously, what happened to you?

Archer happened to me!
Can’t you all see that?

He drags you back to your worst self

like some kind of
horrible reverse therapist!

Uh, whatever, dude. I feel great.

Girl, if you were any more on the prowl,

there’d be an APB out on your cooch.

You see me backsliding?

I don’t even want it anymore.

I gotta keep eating it
to fill the void that eating it creates,

like a snake eating
its chocolaty, delicious tail.

Um, hi. Can you come with me
to the garage?

Things are getting creepy,
and I’d feel better with an escort.

[munching noisily]

No, you do not see that.

You’re right. I’ll stand up to him.

[Archer] Hey, Cyril,
if you could stop masturbating

for a second, send Pam over with Rex.

Also, you suck.

[both laughing]

[Pam laughing]

Oh! Innapropski.

Rex, my man. There he is.

Hey, can you hand Lamont over to Pam?

-Oh!
-[Archer] We know you did it, asshole!

[gasps] Let go of my beautiful polar bear!

Maddox’s notebook said you went on the ice

to investigate some blip
after the flyover.

That doesn’t mean I killed her!

Good point. One second.

-[crackling]
-[Rex] But...

there could be any number
of reasons we’re radioactive.

Oh, I know. And it also explains

the penguin excrement on the ice ax!

-Damn it, Lamont!
-[Lamont coos]

-[groans]
-[Malory] It’s true.

I’ve had bottles smuggled into Yemen

in a camel’s ass.

You only drink what’s inside, darling.

So, this doesn’t seem at all
undignified to you?

-Why should it?
-[Trip] Uh-huh.

-[gasps] Quick, the closet!
-Sure.

Things are in motion.
Just a bit of a cash crunch.

I can say there’s gonna be a huge demand

for my floating cities very soon.

-[snickering]
-[cell phone beeping]

Pull the snowmobiles out of cargo bay.

We have the location of the package,

and I need Team Alpha out in force,
armed to the teeth.

Now, that’s fishy because of
the floating cities.

They’re on water, where fish live.

Ah, looks like I have insurance
if your team starts to meddle.

And can you possibly whisper any louder?

[whispers loudly] Yes, obviously!

What is with this guy?

Seriously, what’s so important
that you had to kill two people?

First off, it’s not two.
And-- Wait. You don’t know?

-[Lamont coos]
-Oh, I am sorry.

This has been
a massive communication failure.

So you didn’t kill Bob!

Oh, no. I totally killed that asshole.

This all gets a little confusing,
so just stay with me.

There was an unauthorized flyover,

and I noticed on radar that
the plane dropped something.

So Maddox and I
went out to see what it was.

It was a hydrogen bomb.

We figured someone had
dropped it as a way to transfer it,

since they’re impossible to smuggle.

So Maddox and I took it back
and stashed it.

That night,
while we were deciding what to do,

we discovered Bob sabotaging the antenna.

He was trying to isolate the base.

And then he discovered us discovering him.

-[groaning]
-[grunts]

[Rex] So, when you guys got here,
I thought you were in on it.

So, where did you stash it?

Wait. Oh, my God! Are we in--

Shackleton’s hut, historically preserved
exactly as it was in 1908.

Well... almost exactly.

Uh, wow. What are you guys
doing down here?

Oh, making moonshine, hydroponic
marijuana, amateur pornography--

you know, for the fans.

And to think I had a crush on you.

[scoffs] And now I love you.

Maddox and I stashed it right here.

[Malory] Nothing!

That’s what I’ve got to show

for this whole trip!

Tell me about it!

You wouldn’t even give me a tattoo.

Look, let’s all just--

-[grunting]
-Put the gun down.

So, hi. And stab.

-Aaah! Are you serious?
-[giggles]

Seriously, you are nuts.

Winters get pretty long.

[Malory] Sterling,
Trip is planning something.

I don’t know what, but I have
a few pieces of the puzzle.

Excellent. Okay.
Everybody shut up and focus.

We must meticulously walk through

every piece of information we’ve gathered,

explore every doubt,
until we’ve cracked the case.

It will be a long, slow plod
of a conversation.

If everyone is ready, let’s begin.

So, in summary, Trip’s putting
a hydrogen bomb on the flaw

to destroy the ice sheet
to sell floating cities.

Wow, that wasn’t so long.

Well, I guess there’s
only one question now.

Yeah.

What kind of porn?

[Lamont cooing]

I’m actually jealous
of the guys at the Alamo.

At least they had access
to good Mexican food.

I don’t think they did. Anyway,
if we fail, we’re dead, so--

Thank you, Sergeant Sunshine.

But, yeah, we are way outgunned.

I think we can help with that.

The salt water of the pickle juice
acts as a conductor.

When the glass breaks,
the circuit completes

and blows one of the charges.

And this is our moonshine, creating the--

-Ultimate pickleback.
-Jesus Christ.

[Archer] Hey, uh,
anyone know what’s going on?

They should be coming straight toward us.

There’s no other way off Antarctica.

Trip does not strike me
as the noble suicide type.

[laughs] Yeah, he’s more the type
to die in bed with his mistress.

I’m actually seeing him hog-tied.

He’s definitely a sub.

Aha! Gillette and Pam, you horny dorks!

-Thank God you said that!
-Hog-tied?

There’s no way Trip wouldn’t have
a remote fail-safe shutdown

if things went wrong.

I have dealt with this type
of person before.

Selfish, only thinking
of themself at all times,

"screw everyone else" attitude.

I just can’t imagine being like that.

[groans] So close and yet so stupid.

All right, we’ve trained for this.

You truly are my valiant crew.

-I’m sorry, what?
-[static crackling]

"What" what? Everything’s normal!

[Cheryl] So, what are we doing again?

We’re going to the engine room,

and we’re going to take over the sub.

Will I need Darla?

We’ll cross that bridge
when you casually stab it.

[laughs]

You can’t stab a bridge.

Or can you?

Brine time.

-[gunshots]
-[men shouting]

-Whoo! [laughs]
-[static crackling]

Eat halberd!

-[laughs]
-[gunfire]

Damn it, Cyril!

Damn it!

[Archer] Whoo-hoo!

All right, mop-up time!

[explosion booming]

[metal creaking]

If he gets away, we are all dead!

Yes, Lana, we all still realize that.

What are you doing?

If that propeller turns on,
you are Archer sashimi!

And your muscles will stop working
in about 30 seconds.

Nah, I’m sure it’s not that fast.

Would you please listen for once?

And he’s gone.

[Trip] This is Trip. Get us out of here!

If you move that hand another inch,
you won’t have it anymore.

[gun cocks]

[grunts] I knew it!
Would it kill you to share?

[Krieger] Archer.

Archer.

Archer! Wake up, dingus!

[chuckles] Crackers, you nut.

I’ll just wait till next time.

There is no next time.
Give me your hand, idiot.

I can’t move.

And I can’t swim, yet here we are.

Come on, you featherless freak!

Wow. Archer, I would like to
present you with a medal

for being an idiot on every continent!

[Gillette] Goddamn it!

You wanna open your eyes when you shoot?

[laughs] You are pathetic.

Hey, everyone! Why are you bitching?

Hey! You’re the one
who made all our lives worse

-by not being in a coma!
-Hmm, true.

Cyril’s a wuss,
Pam’s gone full horn-monster,

Gillette’s probably bingeing again,

and Lana, you’ve been a bitch
to Sandra for, like, no reason.

But let me just call up 7.5 billion
of my closest friends

to get their opinions.

Oh, hey, guess what?

They’re totally fine with it
because they’re alive!

And how many times
did you guys save the world

while I was in a coma?

I’ll take your silence to mean zero times!

Honestly, at this point,

I’d wipe out the entire Earth
if you went with it.

Did you people ever consider
that you need me around

because you want the excuse
to be your worst selves?

Oh, shit!

Your little victory meant nothing!

I can detonate the bomb remotely.

[cackles]

[moans] Aaah!

[laughs] So I guess
not everything’s a helipad.