All language subtitles for Archer_S11E04_Robot Factory.en.closedcaptions

[laughter]

[laughing]

What are we laughing at? Is it Cyril?

That's a very limited edition,

only available at the plantation.

Oh! Hey, Archer!

Barry!

-[gunshots]
-[Malory] Archer, no!

[bullets ricocheting]

-[groaning]
-[Lana] Damn it, Archer.

Aw, my sipping tequila.

New rule: No more office gunplay.

Fine by me. Knives and chains
are so much more intimate.

-You know you got shot, right?
-[scoffs]

For your information,
this is a prior wound.

Ow. Did I get him?

Ooh. You sure did, bud.

Great grouping. Let me help you up.

No, I don't need help from my sworn enemy,

who, by the way, anyone else
should feel free to start shooting.

[groans]

Up goes my buddy.

Not your buddy!

Mother, what the hell is happening?

Barry works for us now.

What? Look.

Barry is a very valuable team member.

He saved my life in Morocco.

And then you saved me

from that counterfeit Moroccan rug dealer.

-You shopped with him?
-[Cheryl] And more!

He's my emergency contact.

Did not know that,
but I will honor the responsibility.

Seriously? One three-year coma,
and you're all best friends

with the man who killed my fiancée
and seduced her cyborg form?

Well, technically,
she killed herself trying to kill me,

but I get where you're coming from.

So allow me to say
I am Barry, Barry sorry.

[laughs sarcastically]
Then allow me to say goodbye.

-[electrical sparking]
-Ah, damn.

That was supposed
to electrocute you. Hang on.

Look, I know we have a history,

but after you reconnected me with my mom,

I started working on myself,

went to therapy,
cut the toxic elements out of my life.

-I haven't seen Katya...
-[electrical sparking]

...or talked to Other Barry in two years.

Also, my circuits are shielded

against anything short
of an EMP, so go nuts.

Oh, I plan to, Barry,

about this obvious
and inevitable double cross.

Then it's a good thing
you're going on the mission with him.

Barry? He has briefing power?

-[Barry] Our target--
-[Archer] No shit!

Shh. The movie's starting.

Our target is a KGB factory

that is currently using
my DNA and schematics

to crank out hundreds
of handsome devils just like me.

Our mission is to infiltrate the factory

and destroy the bots. Any questions?

[prolonging] Double cross.

Technically, a statement.

You're technically an egg with glasses.

Sorry, have a candy bar. Thanks?

Barry wants me to lead a team
to a factory full of Barrys,

where we'll be surrounded by Barrys,

at which point he'll help us
destroy the Barrys

instead of letting them kill us
in an obvious double cross?

Hey, you listened
to the briefing. Out of pure outrage.

Although, technically,
I'm team leader on this mission.

What? [laughs] I'm getting a fury tremor.

That's how angry I am right now.

Use it. Because if we fail,

a plague of Barry-Bots
will sweep the Earth,

enslaving all of mankind.

Which I bet you would just hate.

Isn't that right, Barry?

Absotively.

[mechanical whirring]

And now I have to go to stupid Russia

with stupid Barry to get stupid betrayed.

He sounds positively dreadful, sir.

Sounds? Alcott,
do you not know my entire backstory?

I catch on quickly, sir. I'm trained in...

Unacceptable excuses? I know, Alcott.

But a good valet knows backstory.

And doesn't pack wool socks
for Russia in May.

What the-- Is that Reggie?

Alcott, did you seriously
not feed this lemur

for the three years I was in a coma?

Sir, I only entered your employ
this morning, so I don't...

Understand the concept of animal cruelty?

Obviously, Alcott.

Move this dead lemur
and arrange for a funeral.

-[snarls]
-[shouting]

[laughs] Holy shit. Reggie, you're alive.

[shouting continues]

Thank you, Alcott.

With this whole Barry thing,
I definitely needed a laugh.

But obviously,
after you clean up, you're fired.

Which is why I'm done fooling around!

And you want us to fool around!

-Permission!
-[shatters]

I want your help.

Sterling's going through valets

like a bullet through tropical mahogany.

We're taking over the interview process

until we find an ideal candidate.

[groans] That's why they're here?

Why else would they be here?

I don't know. You see
a line of suited men outside an office

with blinds that go
all the way down, you start to hope...

That you don't finish that sentence?

Send in the first candidate.

Good morning, ma'ams.

Charmed. Yeah, how you doing?

Rank the grades of cashmere.

[clears throat] Grade-A combed,

grade-A sheared,
grade-B white-on-white combed--

Skipping right over
grade-A sheared Mongolian goat.

No, wait! Get out.

[Barry] Right now? At 20,000 feet?

I don't know the exact height,
but just get out and then die.

You know the fall wouldn't kill me, right?

A plane crashing into you might.

Hey! We are not
crashing the plane. That's an order.

That you're relaying
from someone who matters?

But I'm team leader!
Archer, will you close the damn door?

Only when you open your mind

about this predictable betrayal!

Bud, I know this coma thing
has your head spinnin'.

Heck, it was tough on all of us,

seeing you in that hospital bed,
all wired and tubed up.

[Barry singing "Las Mananitas"]

Bud.

He came to the hospital?

Hey, do you remember
the song I sang to you?

No! Lana, were you there

during this obvious security violation?

You were asleep. I was getting married.

Yeah, and if you'd been guarding me,

you wouldn't have had to settle

for your May late, late, late
December romance.

Didn't settle. Deeply in love.

Focus on the mission. Right.

The infiltration plan
has three distinct stages.

Cyril, shut up.
We're focusing on the mission.

Sorry, that was rude. Candy bar?

Why do you keep insulting me
and then giving me a candy bar?

Are you trying to ruin my diet?

[laughs] No, I just happen
to have a lot of candy bars,

and separately, I don't respect you.

Food has no power over me.

[chuckles] Hey, don't laugh with me.

Or at me. Which reminds me, Lana,

how do you bang your old husband without--

Oh, look. It's the drop zone.

Jokes on you, Lana.

I'm gonna use the drop
to think of a better insult!

Bud! You really shouldn't be
landing on that bad leg!

-[alarm sounds]
-All right, let's roll out.

And you're sure this is Dead Sea mud?

It feels suspiciously domestic.

Come on, what the heck does a mud mask

have to do with being Archer's valet?

Obviously, I'll be at his
apartment from time to time.

My needs are his needs.

Speaking of...

But Archer doesn't care about mud masks.

The man just came out of a damn coma.

He needs a confidant,
someone he'll respect, someone--

Who won't snap and murder everyone?

Is that a common issue?
Like you wouldn't believe.

When I was a kid,
my horse butler went crazy for no reason.

-[idyllic music playing]
-[humming]

[grunts]

[grunts]

-[breathing angrily]
-[horse blusters]

Jesus! You darted an employee?

I liked him.

Anyway, he burned down our summer mansion

and killed my cousins with a hatchet

when they tried to escape the inferno.

I got away on my horse, thank God.

Anyway, we need
to push these guys to the breaking point

to make sure they aren't weak
or murderers.

About time,
you giraffe-necked son of a bitch!

[footsteps receding]

We won't be requiring his services.

[espionage music playing]

Hey, you said this outpost
wouldn't be guarded.

Looks like they upgraded.

-So, like, the opposite of Lana.
-[groans]

People, focus. We need a new plan.

Now these bushes should be enough cover

to flank the guards from either--

Cyril, stop acting like you're in charge.

I am in charge. He whimpered.

Look, it's a Barry-Bot factory.

I'm Barry. I blend.

I'll go handle it. Right.

By telling them our exact locations,

so they can firebomb
this very explodable bush?

For the last time, bud,
not gonna betray you.

I know, not-bud,
because I'm going with you.

That defeats the purpose
of me going up at all.

Both of you, be quiet. Team leader.

We're flanking, end of story.

We will absolutely do that,

right after you eat this candy bar.

I-- I-- I'm not going to eat this.

Do not care.

Oi! Easy.

Just out for a perimeter check.

Yeah, and I'm a different Barry-Bot.

They wanted to try making one handsome.

If you are bot, show us circuits.

Shit. You guys are good.

He's a bomb!

[Cyril] Flanking action!

Hey, man, can you not shoot
your gun so close to my penis?

Like it matters? Oh, it matters.

Jesus Christ. I know.

Cyril, you're supposed
to kill the guard, not play sex games.

Ugh, we've been over this.

The agency doesn't kill anymore, jackass.

I thought you were kidding about that.

These guards can't help
that they were born into poverty

and their only career option was
to guard a killer robot factory.

In America, this man might be a grocer.

Hey. My father is grocer.

You're shitting me. So now, in addition
to the inevitable double cross,

I have to deal with Irving Klaw over here

pleasuring every guard we see?

I'm just going by the book.

And I respect that, Cyril.

Hey, maybe we should leave him a map

for where we're going
for when he gets free, right?

[laughs] Right?

Candy bar! You know why.

[sighs] Lana. No one's respecting
that I'm in charge.

Have you tried whining more?

Hey, are you going to eat that?

I'm just saying, what happens
when you run out of rope?

I also have zip ties.

And that will be great for
when the guards shoot you

and then eventually organize
their computer cables.

[laughs] I hate him,
but he definitely got you.

Lana, did you hear Barry get Cyril?

[unwrapping]

Is that a candy bar?

No. It's an energy bar.

Whatever. I don't like this.
Where are all the guards?

Technically, it's a guard-making
factory, so, everywhere?

Oh, that reminds me. What's the plan
for when we're surrounded by Barrys,

and we lose track of our Barry
and all the Barrys say they're our Barry?

That won't happen. Wait. Will that happen?

It actually does seem possible.

And annoyingly farcical.

Well, you could draw
a little dot on my cheek,

like they do to newborn babies. [shouts]

Are you frick--

Are you frickin' kidding me?

What the shit, Archer?

A dot could wash off, Lana.
It's my goddamn--

Easy, Barry. Don't go back down
that dark, dark hole.

[breathes] It's a good idea, bud.

I sort of wish
you didn't chop off the hand

with the high-powered laser.

All right, you get this back
after the mission if you don't betray us.

Looks like the mainframe is up this way.

That's where we can upload the virus
to deactivate the Barry-Bots.

-Mm-mmm. Not happening.
-Seriously?

It's one thing to question my authority,

it's another to reject the mission itself.

Cyril, I mean it's not happening

because you have
to go catch that guard you refuse to kill.

Jeezy Petes. Those were good knots!

Don't worry about it.
We'll get him. Head for the mainframe.

Barry's hand says...

-[laser zaps]
-Whoa!

Man, you weren't kidding about the laser.

I never do. Is 20 enough?

What is this?

The perfect way to calibrate my lasers

with non-bovine subjects. Duh.

And the world's first valet
obstacle course!

First, they have to make
a black Manhattan,

then press this linen suit,

then they have to carry both
down this hallway of lasers.

If these amateurs can handle it.

Unlike my harpsichord teacher,
who snapped for no reason.

[harpsichord music playing]

[grunts]

You're all insane.

Archer didn't reject his new valets

because they can't make
drinks or fight lasers.

Speaking of, are these lasers deadly?

Oh, my. No.

-[laser zaps]
-[man shrieks]

But it is a very serious burn.

[tense music playing]

[gunshots]

Hard not to take the
crotch shots personally.

Oh, no, I intended them
to be very, very personal.

That's why I'm shooting the dick.

Well, that's another way
you can tell us apart,

especially since these Barrys
look nothing like me.

Yeah, my bad,
but you still can't have your hand back.

Speaking of, how's the
physical therapy going?

Good, I guess. I mean,
no one else has even asked.

But last week,
I did my first roundhouse kick.

It's dumb, but--

Hey. Look at me.

Look at me. It's not dumb, bud.

Good for you. Yeah, it is good for me.

Uh, thanks.

You idiot.

[Cyril] Why am I the idiot? It's protocol.

It's protocol not to kill them.
We can still knock people out.

You know, new studies show
that is really bad for them.

Very considerate. Shut up!

Lana, how many times did you
visit me in the hospital?

Because Barry came eight times.
Not doing this.

Did you upload the virus?

Not yet, but you can't handle one guard,

so we're both slacking.

Dang it.

So how many, Lana?
Where is the virus, Archer?

I don't know. Barry's handling it.

[chainsaw revs]

Sure could use that laser hand.

-[lasers zapping]
-[Cheryl] Look at him go!

Krieger, let's make it a real test.

Increasing laser randomization

to nightclub mode.

[lasers zapping rapidly]

You can't do it! No one believes in you!

-Adequate.
-For who?

Do you people even know
why Archer loved Woodhouse?

Sure, he knew his shit,
but he'd also done shit.

And you can't find that
with tests about premium cashmere

from psychopaths who just want
to watch the world burn!

I don't need to watch the world burn.
I'm all about the smell.

Pop quiz, hot shot:
Archer's got three ladies at his place,

but they all have nose-based urges,

but the bathroom is occupied
by Archer's mother,

who spilled Archer's nacho delivery
on her grade-C cashmere.

What do you do?

I would keep the women
separated long enough to--

[imitates buzzer] Cheryl?

All right, who's next?

Uh, is no valet an option?

No, it's not an option.
It was the first thing I tried.

[Archer] It just feels like you
could talk, one Barry to another.

Uh, right, Chainsaw Barry?

[electronic screech]

Okay, not a talker.

Use the laser hand.

-[grunting]
-This is for your own good!

Cyril, stop screwing around
and throw me the hand.

-I'm a little busy!
-Leading this whole mission

down an inferior Russian toilet?

-I agree.
-[Cyril] I get it.

I'm the worst team leader
in the history of team leaders.

Well, knowing is half the battle.

I honestly forgot he was team leader.

-[angrily] Enough!
-[snaps]

[laser zaps]

[breathing heavily]

Holy sociopath, Cyril.

What? You wanted me
to kill the guy this whole time.

I showed strength!

Yeah, but you don't kill an unarmed,

poorly tied up man to prove a point.

Yeah, pretty grim stuff, Cyril.

Oh, I hope these four little girls
are just his friends,

but the resemblance is uncanny.

It's not-- I was following--

Why didn't you go to work
at the grocery store?

[crying]

The virus is uploading,
but there's a problem.

You want Cyril
to tie it up and snap its neck?

It looks like the Barry-Bot
system has a fail-safe.

[mechanical clunking]

[metal creaking]

[sinister music plays]

What is it?

[mechanical whirring]

[laughs] Chef Barry? Who designed these?

Oh, sorry. Is this weird for you?

Yeah. Weirdly therapeutic.

Lana, how's it going with
the slowest virus upload in history?

I don't control the upload, you dick!

Well, you do control your attitude,

which honestly, has been
really insensitive.

Me? You haven't eased off
my husband since you woke up.

I'm allowed to be insensitive.
I just woke up from a coma.

Which, now that I think about it, did I?

This all feels pretty coma-y.

[grunts] No, it's real, bud.
But I'm with you.

Lana, you really need
to be more supportive

during this period of adjustment.

I am incredibly supportive! Right, Cyril?

Where the hell is Cyril?

[Cyril grunts]

[cries]

I'll take care of you.

[crying]

Maybe he can take care of himself?

[scoffs]
He'd burn down the building making toast,

out of spite for having to make toast.

What about those Barry-Bots?
Could Krieger reprogram one to valet?

Oh, definitely. Maybe.

A robot valet would cut down
on bloodstains. I'll make the call.

Just FYI, that laser field
is still very active.

[lasers zapping]

My... I know we don't
say it anymore, but...

Sploosh. Sploosh.

[with British accent]
Apologies for my tardiness.

I volunteer at a lemur
rehabilitation center,

and it was my turn to rinse
the tamarind leaves for snack time.

It's fine. Oh, dear, your drink.

Allow me. [sniffs]

Black Manhattan, was it?
Heavy on the Luxardo?

[sighs] Just so.

You must be the tech. I must say,

I've never seen such
a deadly laser in such a compact device.

That's the compliment I never knew
I wanted. Can I call you dad?

You can call me Aleister,
if the position is still available.

That all depends.

Pop quiz: Archer's got
two broads at his place, sisters.

Only thing is,
they don't know about each other,

and one is temporarily blind due to--

I keep his drink full, my mouth shut

and the paramedic on speed dial.

Paramedic?

Veterinary paramedic.

No need to alert the authorities.

Hmm! He'll do.

More of them?
Where are you guys coming from?

-[short circuiting]
-Oh, perfect.

Better late than never,
inevitable double cross.

-[chainsaw revs]
-You were saying?

I was saying...
sorry for assuming a double cross

that I guess isn't coming.

No, it wasn't.

Well, thanks for the hand.

And the hand. It's missing two fingers.

Yeah, it was already like that
when I chopped it off.

Ready to finish this?

Not that ready.

[alarm blares then fades]

[powering down]

Whew! The virus uploaded. Just in time.

Really? Uh, I guess, good mission, buddy.

No, great mission, bud.

[crumbling, thumping loudly]

What part of "we're done" is this, Lana?

Ugh, the fail-safe had a fail-safe!

Well, that's just stupid.

[grunts]

You guys go.

Time for daddy to give baby a spanking.

No, I don't stand by that. Let me--

-[whirring]
-[grunts]

[gunshots]

Cyril!

[crying]

Guys, this is really more of a distraction

than, like, a totally
well-thought-out plan.

Lana, Barry can't handle
this thing on his own.

-We need to help him.
-No, we need to get out of here.

We accomplished the mission.
What? An EMP grenade?

Two robots. One boom.

Are you kidding me?
Fine, you can throw it.

All mission I've been waiting
for a double cross,

and now you're gonna double cross Barry?

[Lana] Hey, you said
he was an evil cyborg,

and he's served his purpose, which means--

[Archer] Which means caring for him
has become inconvenient, right?

And it's easier to move on
to new, much older things?

[Barry] I think I've got a plan,
but it's not great.

It's not moving on to take care
of yourself, which is what I'm doing!

Taking care of yourself
because Robert can't?

-Sexually, I mean.
-[Barry] Any other plan?

Robert and I have a very active sex life.

I'm sorry the world changed,
and that must be hard,

but it wasn't my job
to lay weeping by your hospital bed.

I have a life, and I am very content!

Oh, right, because all content
people scream that they're content.

[Barry] Okay, just gonna do my plan.

Goodbye, Barry.

[Archer] Barry!

You brave, beautiful cyborg. [cries]

I'm sorry, Archer.
I know you two connected this mission.

We really did. He was my friend.

Oh, God. Barry was my friend.

This coma thing has been hard.
I'm here for you, Archer.

No, thanks, Cyril. But look!

Cyril, look! Oh, man.

He did have a penis.
And it was magnificent!

Don't let your old man see this, right?

Just gonna let you have this one.

Good night, mi amigo.

[crying, singing "Las Mananitas"]

Aw. You did remember.

Barry? H-- How?

Uploaded my consciousness
into another Barry

right before the explosion.

You can do that? I guess so.

And hey, heard what you said
about my penis.

-Thanks, bud.
-I meant every word, pal.

It was, wow, really impressive.

Huh. So you're basically unkillable?

I am now, thanks to that virus.

And in spite of all your efforts.

What, this? [laughs nervously]

Cyril ordered me to bring it as,
uh, as team leader.

Oh, come on!

Lana, it's fine.
Barry doesn't hold a grudge.

But Other Barry, well...

[sinister music plays]

[both laughing]

He hates you.