Original subtitles

[Pam on radio] Once you get through the northernmost skylight,

you're gonna crack it open and slide in there

like the old lambskin you found in your best friend's sister's purse,

positioning you right above the cedarwood coffee table.

Okay, we're in.

Body cams are online and-- Whoa, boy!

Cyril has not been skipping leg day.

-[Cyril] Thank you, but focus. -Yep, yep, yep!

The furniture and floor are armed with

timed pressure-sensitive alarms,

so on every surface, you only have--

[both] Three seconds.

[panther snarls]

I can't believe we're at the headquarters of Hands,

the greatest inventor in history, and I don't get to meet her.

Listen, man, we've all fallen for a reclusive billionaire tech genius.

No, my lust for Hands is a more advanced brain lust, if you will.

[laughing] Like a zombie?

Is brain lust why you designed your hologram girlfriend

to have the same proportions as Barbie?

[Krieger] I'm looking for someone who challenges me.

The only challenge with Mitsuko

is keeping her projector from overheating.

Jesus, this is heavy. Wish we could find

a strength-boosting exo-suit to make this easier.

[Krieger] Through that tunnel and into the vault,

and your wish will soon be granted.

Any sign of JUNO operatives approaching?

No sign of those dicks yet, but let's steal the shit we need

and get the hell out like it's one of Gillette's dinner parties.

[Lana] Copy that. Starting descent now.

Cyril, do you have visual?

[laughs nervously] Affirmative.

-What the-- -[guns cocking]

[Archer] Took you long enough.

-What are you doing here? -Why are you doing missions without me?

How did you know where we'd be?

Because, Lana, I'm the world's greatest spy.

And how'd you get here before us?

Goddamn it, I just told you. I'm the world's greatest spy.

It is pretty impressive you shut off

all the countermeasures without our intel

so you could access the vault.

[alarm blaring]

The... Do what now?

-Have you seen Sterling? -[clatters]

I don't know. Maybe.

Probably... not. Probably not.

He was supposed to meet me for lunch an hour ago,

and that idiot stood me up.

-He should be here any minute. -Yes, ma'am.

Would you like me to bring your seafood tower

when it's ready, or shall we wait?

If I wanted my food to rot in the kitchen, looking sad,

I'd be ordering a big bowl of you on your break.

Find Sterling, tell him I'm here, and then tell him I'm busy.

Oh. And tell him the Buckley Bay oysters are out of season after today,

-and they were... -[Archer] Unbelievable.

You're doing missions without me?

Because this is what happens when you come along!

None of this would've happened if you told me about the mission.

None of this would have happened

-if you weren't a spoiled asshole. -[Cyril panting]

Let's all take a breath.

We can't change what has already happened.

We must keep moving forward.

He's right. We just need to get there

and get the exo-suit before JUNO shows up.

Okay, A: What's a JUNO? And B: What's Cyril doing?

I'm using a mantra to help remain focused on the present

-and stay positive. -Oh, my God, Cyril.

No one wants a life coach whose entire life

has been a giant losing streak.

JUNO is a rival spy agency who started showing up during your coma.

[Pam] Speaking of JUNO, I set up a laser grid

around the perimeter of the compound to alert when they arrive.

-You mean if they arrive. -Right.

And if they show up, we'll be out of here because Krieger has us covered.

Then does Krieger want to explain why I'm still on the floor

using my turtleneck as a $3,000 broom?

[Krieger] Working on it, but I'm gonna need a retinal scan.

Is it unsettling to anybody else how comfortable Cyril is

playing Jim Henson with a dead guy?

-[metallic scrape] -[gears clicking]

Archer, please, stay outside.

You've made your point, okay?

We're sorry for doing missions without you,

and we'll talk after this is over.

-But I-- -You'll just get in the way.

I'm only staying out here because I'm proving a point

about what I'd rather do than spend time with you two!

[sobbing] I-- I've been such a giving mother, and all he does is take.

He's treating his new valets better than me.

And he's fired all of them.

I was literally right by his side

throughout his entire coma,

and he can't even make it to a lunch.

I mean--

[spits, gasping]

What is wrong with you?

Oh, my God! I must be going into anaphylactic shock!

Get one of the needles in the blue bag and stick it in my neck!

Wait. No! The needle's in the red bag!

-[choking] -You're not allergic to shellfish.

That's Pam, you idiot.

Oh.

Speaking of Pam,

why hasn't anyone from the mission checked in?

This isn't like them.

[chuckles] Mm. Yes.

But can you still inject me with one of those needles?

It can be from the blue bag or red bag. Dealer's choice.

[Lana] Uh, Krieger.

I don't see the exo-suit.

I'm just seeing what appears to be

a bunch of random, useless crap.

[Pam] Are you looking in a mirror? Burn!

[Krieger] Oh, trust me. It's not random.

Everything Hands does has meaning.

She's so cool.

[phone ringing]

Oh, shit. It's Malory.

You know you have to tell her that Archer is here.

-What the shit, Archer? -Relax, Lana.

I'm sure your billionaire husband, Robert,

can buy you a new phone

or maybe the factory that makes them.

-[beeping] -[Pam] Uh, why does Archer

look redder than an unstuck dog's dick?

No, no. He's not wearing a heat-locking suit!

Lana, Archer has to get out of there. He's too hot.

Shit. Archer, you're too hot.

I know you wanna make up for excluding me,

but acknowledgement of my attractiveness is not an apology.

-[alarm blares] -[mechanical clicking]

Oh, no, no.

Damn it. It's locked.

And you guys wanted to go on missions without me.

So... what are we looking for?

Great. We're locked inside a high-security vault

that appears to be protecting a collection of bar mitzvah gifts.

Krieger, since you know the place so well,

please enlighten us on how we get out.

[Krieger] I'm on it. In the meantime, do not put your hands on anything

and send me a visual scan of the room.

I'm obviously not gonna touch anything. I'm not a complete moron.

Look. After whichever one of you dies first, I can throw a little fiesta.

-[party horns blow] -Damn it, Archer.

What? That was fun.

-[female voice] Countdown commence. -[Cyril] Countdown to what?

-Maybe more confetti? -Confetti's positive, right?

Archer, please don't touch anything else.

Define "anything." Wha--

I need you guys to show me, piece by piece, what's on those shelves.

A phaser, coconut radio, a fedora, cursed idol, a mysterious floating cube...

See, all these things represent something

in Hands's life, something she's--

Played a hand in? Huh?

Of course! It's a puzzle!

She's protecting the exo-suit with a puzzle.

Finally. God. I've been bored as dog dicks.

Mitsuko's not really a fun hang.

[groaning eerily]

[Lana] Sorry this couldn't be more fun for you

and that I might die in a vault with limited oxygen

because I'm with two assholes who suck the air out of every room they're in.

[panting] I'm sorry, but I need to exercise.

It helps me focus and rid myself of anxious energy.

Oh, if you're looking for an exercise to define your jawline,

why don't you try shutting the hell up?

Thank you, Chuck Barris.

-[gong rumbles] -[alarm blaring]

-[Cyril groans] -Archer. Archer!

-Archer! -What?

Stop! Touching! Everything!

I've taken this last known photo of Hands

and converted it into a stereogram.

Now we'll take the stereogram--

Holy shit snacks. Is this Stalin?

No, it's Hands.

-Yeah, next to Joseph Stalin. -Hey, guys.

The stereogram revealed a binary code, which, when fed into a translator,

delivered the word "babushka." Does that mean anything?

Ooh, ooh. Earlier, I saw one of these Russian nesting dolls.

-[Krieger] Ah, sweet! Open it up. -Are you sure?

-Cyril, just open the doll. -Uh, okay.

[breathes heavily] Uh, it's empty.

Huh. There's supposed to be a bunch of tiny dolls trapped inside.

-[metallic clanging] -[whirring]

-What'd you do? -Damn it.

Oh, my God. We're the tiny dolls trapped inside,

and we're all gonna die.

I send a team to snatch some valuable tech prototype before JUNO...

Ugh, those dicks.

...and suddenly everyone forgets how to pick up a phone?

So disrespectful. You're the only one

who gets to keep secrets about missions.

Right! Speaking of which, where the hell is Sterling?

He's probably at home because you told me

to send out that fake company e-mail

about the building fumigation so he wouldn't come.

I never told you to do that.

[grunts] We're on such a roll

with all these lies to Sterling.

I just can't stop!

I'm not trying to lie.

I just want to protect him. He's not ready.

I wish my mom/boss would lie to me to keep me from getting hurt.

Wait. Have you been telling me a bunch of lies?

Call him.

No!

We've told him so many lies.

We're right on the verge of breaking him.

[grunts] Fine.

I don't know his number.

-Move! Idiot. -[dialing]

[line ringing]

[woman] Hello? Oh, my God. Who are you trying to reach?

Sterling? Who the hell is this?

Is he the handsome man in the black turtleneck?

'Cause I guess he's not so handsome now.

What happened? This is his mother! Where is he?

-[siren blaring] -Oh, I'm so sorry.

I don't know how to tell you this. [sobs]

-[gasps] Oh, my God. Oh, my God! -He-- He--

-What have I done? -[Archer laughs] Got ya!

Post-coma voice-mail hoax.

-Yeah, I'm doing it. -[machine beeps]

[female voice] The mailbox you are trying to reach is full.

Goddamn it!

And the student becomes the master.

-[phone ringing] -Uh, we're relying on Pam and Krieger

to solve this death puzzle?

Archer, please.

The power of positive change lives within--

Oh, just answer it!

No. I don't wanna talk to my mom

about her stupid mother-son annual seafood lunch

that I missed-- that never existed before today--

oh, my God-- and was planned to distract me from coming on this mission.

-She did this! -Yes, but she can help us.

Help us? She can't even find me a decent valet.

[brakes squeak]

Excuse me. You think I can't open the door myself?

-You're fired. -But, sir,

it is quite literally my job to help you.

You don't have a job. Now close the door for me so I can open it again myself,

and then go home and shut the door on your neck...

after you pick up my dry cleaning.

Fine. I'll call her, but only to get her to apologize.

-[dialing] -[line ringing]

-[Cheryl] Malory Archer's office. -Yeah, it's me. Put me through.

-Please hold. -[Malory] Well, well, well.

If it isn't my ungrateful son who stood me up.

-[Cheryl screams] -[gunshots]

No! Mother! Mother, what happened?

[Cheryl] Oh, my God! Ms. Archer's been hit!

No! Oh, my God. I never should've come on this mission just to prove a--

-[Cheryl cackles] -[Malory] Ha! Elaborate voice-mail prank.

-Leave it! -Ah!

-[alarm buzzes] -[all coughing]

I can't believe I choked on the taste of my own medicine.

No, I'm pretty sure that's just the toxic gas.

-[alarm blares] -Oh, shit. The dicks from JUNO

have breached our perimeter.

There's only one thing we can do now.

They need us.

[Lana] No, do not come here.

Get us help.

Oh, hell yeah!

What? Bonus turtleneck hot wing! Sweet!

-Ki-yah! Ki-yah! -[Lana, Archer coughing]

Ki-yah! Ki-yah!

You know, Lana, since I got out of my coma,

it's been enlightening to see how you treat people you allegedly "care about."

How I treat people I care about?

Yeah, you keep them far away

so you can do whatever you decide is best for you.

I'm sorry?

You sent our daughter a million miles away

to boarding school so you don't have to deal with her?

Don't have to deal with her? I sent her to receive

the best education in the world instead of sitting around

waiting for you to get out of a coma.

Oh, okay. So I'm being punished

because I chose to be in a coma for three years.

Not everything is about you. Oh, my God!

We're only in this stupid death trap

because you do whatever you want!

This is bullshit.

All of these stupid toys don't mean anything.

It's all just-- Oh, my God. The Six Million Dollar Man.

-Archer, no! -[groans] Forget it.

[yelps]

Ahhh! Ow!

[grunts] Holy shit.

Am I dead? This has to be heaven.

Wait. I went to heaven? That can't be right.

-[footsteps approach] -Are you the devil?

Not quite. Although I'm sure the devil

will be as equally thrilled when you arrive,

Sterling Archer.

So, do you want a drink?

Uh, well, if you're eventually gonna kill me,

I might as well be drunk for that.

So, yeah, a whiskey.

-Do you need this? -Yes, thank you.

[chuckles] I'm not gonna kill you.

I mean, crush you, sure,

in electric football. Boosh!

Ha! Holy shit. I always wanted one of these.

[Lana] Ugh, Archer was right.

[Cyril panting]

It is somehow worse when it's just the two of us.

Universe, send us a sign-- [grunts]

Shut up and focus on figuring out how to get us out!

Thank you, Lana. You're right.

[yelling]

-[clattering] -[alarm sounds]

[yelping]

[both] Three seconds.

[Krieger grunts, groans]

Damn it! [grunting]

Okay. All righty.

Alley-oop!

[panting, grunts]

-[clattering] -[both panting]

Okay. All righty.

[both grunt]

[panther snarls]

[clattering, object shattering]

[both grunting]

Oh, shit!

Goddamn it!

[both breathing heavily]

[grunting] Goddamn it.

-[thuds] -[groaning]

[grunting]

[yelps]

-[Krieger grunting] -[beeping]

-[beeps] -[panting]

-Being a spy is not that hard. -Right?

-Get me out of here! -[coughing]

Get out. Okay, go back. Go back. Go back. [chuckles] Nice!

Am I still in a coma? Because these graphics are amazing.

This place is incredible.

Yeah, I've always loved games.

But after my accident, I got really into them.

They ease my mind, but they're also an escape from my physical limitations.

Oh, so your accident is why they call you Hands.

What? No, dummy. Obviously, it's because

I'm the greatest inventor of all time

at the grace of these perfect hands. Huh?

-[both laugh] -Did you invent that backpack thing?

The exo-suit? Jesus, have you been in a coma for three years?

Yeah. Here. You should try it on.

When inside, it redistributes weight with pressurized air,

so people like you and me can move our entire bodies with no pain.

Oh, my God. I haven't felt like this since space.

I'm weightless. Whoo-hoo! Ya-ha-ha-ha!

[laughs] Wait. Is this what we were trying to steal?

Your team wants to steal it to prevent me from selling to the highest bidder.

And JUNO?

JUNO wants to steal it because they are dicks.

But this shouldn't be stolen. This should be shared with everyone.

What's the point of stealing?

Oh, shit. It's a weapon.

-[door buzzes] -This entire house is a trained killer!

I know, right? God, it's cool.

What about Archer?

We need to get back to the van first.

We can track Archer from there.

What about the exo-suit? What about Hands?

The van is the Alamo!

[guns cock]

Good luck with that.

[pounds punching bag rapidly]

[laughs] I'm gonna beat the high score on everything.

This thing is incredible. Do you know what I could do with this?

I could do everything I used to do but better. I could--

You can't have sex in the suit.

Well, I'm not so sure about that.

Dude, you cannot have sex in the suit. Trust me.

Well, now I can do a ton of other stuff I used to do.

I can run. I can jump. I can squat.

I can drink, which, honestly, hasn't really changed anyway, but still...

-I'm glad you like it, Archer. -Like it? I love it!

I love this house. I love this bar. I love this room.

I love this. I love this.

-[gunfire] -I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!

I don't wanna be a spy anymore! Stupid!

Fall back! Fall back!

[metallic clanging]

-[explosion booms] -[gasps]

What the hell?

[Archer] Shit. I gotta go.

What are you talking about? They're professionals

and made a choice to do this without you.

Yeah, but they obviously need me.

After everything they've done to you?

They lied to you, chastised you,

and excluded you simply because of your disability.

They didn't even try to look for you.

They were gonna leave you here.

They don't deserve you.

Huh.

It's over. Just come out and give us the damn exo-suit.

[whimpers] What do we do? What do we do?

Cyril and I will engage them in hand-to-hand.

Krieger, use the distraction to--

-Got it. -[gunfire]

Ah! I'm hit! I'm hit!

I'm hit in my beautiful leg! [sobbing]

Shit! There's too many of them!

[Archer] Looks like you guys could use some help.

Who's there?

[Archer] Oh, just the world's greatest spy.

Yeah, we'll see about that. Wha--

[Archer] Just so we're clear: you guys do want my help now?

-Yes! -Stop screwing around.

-[man grunts] -[gunfire]

[Archer] Are you two sure I'm not going to "just get in the way"?

[men grunting]

-Damn it, Archer! We need you. -[Cyril] And we're sorry!

Ahhh! [grunts]

That wasn't so hard now, was it?

-[Krieger groans] -Wow, Archer. [chuckles]

I guess being back on missions really "suits" you.

-What? -Because of your exo-suit.

I think you mean my exo-suit.

[gasps]

If you leave here with that suit,

it'll only ever be used for death and destruction.

-I don't think that's true. -You got to see firsthand

how this technology can save a life and improve--

Life? Five minutes ago you were trying to convince me

to abandon my friends and let them die.

-Hey! That's destructive thinking! -What?

[scoffs] That was a test.

I just woke up, and I can tell that's bullshit.

Archer, no one should be limited the way we are.

If you leave it here with me, I can continue perfecting it.

And then, when it's ready, I can share it

with the people who need it most.

Well, I've determined I'm the person who needs it the most.

Good-bye, Hands.

Come on, Archer. Let's go.

I can't move.

Oh, Archer. You think

the smartest robotics engineer on the planet

-wouldn't install a backup plan? -Oh, no! [groaning]

-[electric crackling] -On second thought-- [groans]

it's probably best if the suit stays with you.

Die, you dicks!

[all gasp]

-[remote beeps] -[gasps]

No! You maniacs!

You blew it up!

Oh, damn you!

Goddamn you all to hell!

Oh, Krieger. Sorry about Mitsuko, dude.

[sobbing] Are you kidding?

I have hundreds of backups of her files.

But do you know how much cherry custom work went into that van?

-[sobbing] -[inhales sharply, sighs]

That was a sweet-ass van, dude.